1908 was the year Ian Fleming was born.
1968 was the year Daniel Craig was born.
Hence the dating. Of course, this is subject to debate. IMHO, Bond could not be born before Fleming but he himself was, shall we say, flexible with Bond's exact age and the films have continued this.
If you look at Albert Finney (Kincade) when he was young, there is a remarkable resemblance to Ewan McGregor- so much so, that in the film "Big Fish" (2003) they play the same character old and young.
(The door opens and Bond enters. He picks up the mail and throws it on his chair, then casts his jacket to the side and loosens his tie.
He heads to the drinks tray and mixes himself a strong whisky and soda, preferring to keep his usual drink for later.
Bond sits down and begins to leaf through his mail. Impatiently he tosses aside bills, fliers, and letters from the Child Support Agency. He stiffens as he recognizes the writing on one otherwise plain envelope then slits it open, to withdraw only a computer disc with no covering note. Puzzled, he heads for his laptop and inserts the disc, clearly having learned nothing from Q’s bad experience three years earlier. A familiar face appears on the screen.)
M: 007, I need you to do something for me. Find a man called Marco Sciarra. Kill him, and don't miss the funeral. (As the picture fades she can faintly be heard saying “Is that enough, Sam?”)
(Puzzled, Bond examines the envelope wondering why this has taken so long to reach him since it has been three years since she died. Eventually, he notices the words “Royal Mail” and nods ruefully. He reaches for his phone and begins to track down this Marco Sciarra...)
The Royal limousine draws up in front of the theatre. Harry and Cubby prepare to meet the Queen. She steps out, accompanied by the Duke.
The Queen: Good evening, gentlemen.
Harry: Good evening, Your- argh! (Kevin McClory elbows his way in front of Harry and Cubby.)
Kevin: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Queen: ...er, good evening.
Kevin: I’m Kevin McClory, and welcome to my Bond movie.
Cubby: YOUR Bond movie? Why you-
Kevin: May I present my James Bond, Mr Sean Connery? (Harry and Cubby seethe.)
The Queen: Of course. How nice to see you again, Mr Connery.
Sean: A pleashure ash alwaysh, ma’am. (Harry and Cubby try to speak to the Queen, but Kevin keeps getting in between.)
The Duke: Enjoyed your last Bond film, Connery, hope this one is as good. Any golf in this one?
Sean: No, moshtly all at shea. Adrift….
The Duke: Fish for supper I suppose?
Sean: Yesh, usually. I wouldn't share my lunch with Claudine once and she shaid it wash shelfish, I said “Of courshe it's bloody shellfish- it'sh all you can get on this island.”
The Duke: Been doing much since we last met?
Sean: Well, I did a film called “The Hill” that I’m very proud of, and one for Alfred Hitchcock.
The Queen: Oh my, I do hope that wasn’t too scary.
Sean: Not for me, ma’am, though posshibly for othersh.
Cubby: (Managing to reach the Queen while Harry gets Kevin in an armlock.) Our lovely leading lady, Mlle Claudine Auger, ma’am.
The Queen: How lovely you look, Mlle Auger.
Claudine: Thank you, ma’am.
The Duke: Lots of swimming in this one, I hear.
Claudine: Why yes, sir.
The Duke: Will you, um, be wearing a bikini like Ursula did?
Claudine: Some of the time, sir. (Lifting her dress.) My bikini is cut high on my hip here.
The Queen: Philip, put your tongue back in your head.
Kevin: (Throwing Harry to the floor.) Our villain, Adolfo Celi.
The Queen: Hello, Mr Celi.
Adolfo: Piacere di incontrarti, signora.
The Duke: (Muttering.) Bleedin’ eyetie…
The Queen: What did he say, Mr McClory? I didn't quite hear.
Kevin: ..er… (Not a clue.)… He asked if you were dining on board, must have meant a cheeseboard?
Cubby: (With a “gotcha” look at Kevin.) No, Your Majesty, he said “Pleased to meet you, ma’am”.
The Queen: Ah, I see. Will you be speaking English in this film, Mr Celi?
Harry: No, ma’am, he won’t- but rest assured that someone will.
Cubby: (Taking advantage of Kevin’s momentary silence.) And this is Signora Luciana Paluzzi, who plays the evil Fiona Volpe.
The Queen: Good evening, Signora Paluzzi, how radiant you look.
Luciana: Why, thank you, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Didn't they give you a rude name like in the last movie?
Luciana: No, although I do give Bond some discipline.
The Duke: (Suddenly appearing.) Ah, hello there.
The Queen: Oh, be quiet, Philip.
(Kevin goes to speak, but Harry kneels down behind him and Cubby shoves him over.)
Kevin: Aargh!
Cubby: Next, ma’am, is Mr Tom Jones, who is singing our title song. (Tom is standing in a pile of ladies’ undergarments that grows steadily higher as they are thrown at him.)
The Queen: (Slightly blushing.) Ah, good evening Mr Jones.
Tom: (Voice exuding testosterone.) Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Queen: (Knees weakening, like every red-blooded woman within ten feet.) Ah, is this your first film song Mr Jones?
Tom: (Voice more macho than Arnold Schwarzenegger armwrestling with The Rock.) No, ma’am, I sang “What’s New Pussycat” in the film of the same name.
The Queen: (Close to fainting.) I see...so it's almost routine now?
Tom: Well, it's not unusual!
Kevin: Perhaps you might like to go in now, Your Majesty?
The Queen: Of course. (Harry leads the Queen in, with the rest of the party following and Cubby bringing up the rear, but as Kevin goes to enter Cubby slams the door in his face and locks it. Kevin batters on the door like Fred Flintstone.)
Kevin: Broccoli! You can’t do this!
Cubby: Can’t I? Sue me!
1979. A hotel in Rio de Janeiro. Jaws and Dolly collapse back onto their respective pillows and light cigarettes.
Dolly: That was wonderful.
Jaws: For me, too.
Dolly: I’ve never met a man like you.
Jaws: To be fair, there aren’t many men like me.
Dolly: You are funny, pretending not to be able to talk.
Jaws: You, too. Isn’t it time you told me your name?
Dolly: Well… you’ll laugh.
Jaws: I won’t.
Dolly: You have to promise.
Jaws: I promise I won’t laugh.
Dolly: It’s… Dolly.
Jaws: It’s a lovely name. See, I didn’t laugh.
Dolly: All right, then what’s your name?
Jaws: Well…
Dolly: I won’t laugh.
Jaws: it’s Zbigniew Kryciswiki.
Dolly: I’m not laughing, I just don’t think I can say that.
Jaws: Just call me “Jaws”, it’s what I’m known as.
Dolly: Jaws… I like that! And it suits you...
Jaws: Dolly, I love you. I know I'll never find another girl like you. Will you marry me?
Dolly: Do you mean it?
Jaws: I mean it.
Dolly: Mr and Mrs Jaws. Of Acacia Avenue, Tunbridge Wells.
Jaws: Mm. How about… outer space?
Dolly: Outer space?
Jaws: Yes, my boss wants me to go to outer space soon. I’m sure I can get you along, too.
Dolly: Well… all right.
Jaws: So is that a “yes”?
Dolly: It’s a “yes”.
Jaws: Oh, I’m so glad! Shall we both continue pretending we can’t talk?
Dolly: Yes, I think so. But tonight isn’t over…
Jaws: Then brace yourself!
Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
A CHRISTMAS TALE
Time is irrelevant in what follows, this must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate.
It’s Christmas Eve and the landlord of The Silencer And Black Garter, a private members pub, returns from the cellar and takes his place behind the bar. A large group of drinkers are sat around a table.
TB2: That’s really nice of you all to allow that heavily pregnant woman and her fiancé to doss down in the cellar as there is no room at the Premier Inn because of COVID restrictions.
TP: I see you’ve got round to changing the pub sign outside, TB2, but I must say I preferred the old one with the PPK and Domino.
Sir Miles: I missed that, what’s on the new sign?
Barbel: A PPK and Rosa Klebb in a nightie showing her leg with a garter
N24: You were late in today, TP?
TP: It’s Sunday, I was inspecting my collection of....ummm...art.
C&D: Mrs TP must wonder where all your money goes?
TP: It’s an investment, in fact I asked CHB for his appraisal
NP: What’s your verdict, CHB?
CHB: I liked the Asian girl with big threepenny bits best.
Barbel: Order a round on my chit, please
TB2: You’ve had all the Chablis, Lady Rose, I’ve got some Blue Nun...
TP: I’ve got a book of blue nuns in my collection
Higgins arrives.
Higgins: It’s all right, I’m wearing a pair of Church’s, best in the world, in fact everything British is best in the world.
N24: Christmas Eve is truly the day of miracles.
Asp9mm: Who let that blithering idiot in?
Higgins: Go boil your head, dumm.
Barbel: Now, now, Christmas is a time for peace and goodwill to all men, a time to reminisce about Christmas past
TP: I remember as a child, going to the countryside where my uncle had a turkey farm, I became very attached to one of the turkey’s and was able to communicate with her, she told me she was looking forward to Christmas...
Barbel starts to play his guitar...
Barbel: This is my version of Let Them In...
Somebody’s knocking at the door,
Somebody’s ringing the bell,
Do me a favour and let them in...ooh yeah,
Sean Connery was the greatest,
John Barry still my friend,
Lois Maxwell looking lovely,
Cubby Broccoli cooking linguine
Harry Saltzman smiling broadly
Des Llewelyn we all love you
Louis Armstro-oo-oo-ng,
Open the door, let them in....
TB2: (shouts excitedly)...Help, help, the baby’s coming!!! Who’s got medical experience?
Lady Rose, Barbel and Sir Miles leap into action and some time later the cries of a newborn are heard, everyone makes their way down to the cellar and crowd round the proud mother and father.
CHB: Is that a trick of the light or is that a halo I see above baby’s head?
C&D: It is a halo, the baby looks saintly
The baby rolls his eyes upwards, raises his eyebrows and smiles disarmingly
Sir Miles: It will take no persuasion to love this child
Higgins: We will all form a bond with him
Asp9mm: He will have a maverick personality
TP: He will never have to haunt himself
TB2 hands out drinks to toast the new arrival, Higgins’ eyes moisten, Asp9mm hugs him and everyone says in unison...
God Bless Us, everyone.
THE END
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
Yes, Marry Christmas to everyone (even the wrongdoers who celebrate the holiday tomorrow and not today like civilized people and the British Royal family do )
I know what you mean; being a Scot married to a German, we celebrate on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so twice as much festivities!
(The grandchildren got some presents earlier, and are now sleeping knowing very well that there will be more tomorrow)
A merry Christmas, Hanukkah or Diwali ( A bit late but ... ) whatever festival you want to celebrate
I hope it's fun and safe, and I expect you've all been good and will get all you want this year
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
(In the Royal limousine.)
The Duke: James Bond again. I hear this one is full of bleedin’ Frenchies.
The Queen: Philip! I have told you, we are all European partners now.
The Duke: You know I only have two peeves- not getting a decent kebab and bloody Europeans!
The Queen: Philip!!
The Duke: Hmph, as long as you don’t go all googly-eyed at that Roger Moore again like you always do.
The Queen: One is sure one doesn’t know what you mean.
(At the theatre. The limousine draws up and the Royal couple emerge.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Broccoli.
Cubby: Delighted to see you, ma’am. May I present our James Bond, Mr Roger Moore?
The Queen: How nice to see you again, Mr Moore.
Roger: You are looking lovelier than ever, Your Majesty.
The Queen: (Blushing.) How nice of you to say so.
The Duke: (Aside.) That’s the knighthood in the bag, then.
Roger: I do hope you enjoy our little film.
The Queen: Did you get my script idea about a special Bond adventure?
Roger: Ah? Yes, it was quite interesting- you and I flying up the Thames in a helicopter. I think the ending put a few off, though.
The Queen: Why would that be?
Roger: Well, my losing all my clothes and you having to rub baby lotion all over me.
The Queen: Really? It's intrinsic to the story and I'm sure it would be very tastefully shot. (Meanwhile, the Duke chats with Cubby.)
Cubby: Yes we get a lot of crazy ideas sent to us- Bond dressing as a clown, Bond refusing a horny teenager's advances, Bond bursting a balloon in anger, even driving a motorbike off a cliff to catch a falling aircraft.
The Duke: All of those sound crazy.
Cubby: Even had one scene with a motorbike in a tunnel using a bright light to dazzle the driver and cause a crash!!! No one would ever believe it.
The Duke: Really? (...as he pockets his notebook and pen.)
Cubby: ...and this is our leading lady the beautiful Lois Chiles.
The Queen: A pleasure to meet you Miss Chiles.
Lois: The pleasure I'm sure is all mine, ma'am.
The Queen: I did enjoy you in that little movie with the wonderful David Niven.
Lois: “Death on the Nile”?
The Queen: Sorry, I was thinking of “The Guns Of Navarone”.
Lois: Perhaps “Force Ten From Navarone”? Barbara Bach was in that, and the last Bond film. I was offered it but refused.
The Duke: Listen young man, never turn down a war film, The only decent thing in the cinema these days.
Lois: No, they had wanted me to be in “The Spy Who Loved Me.”
The Duke: You and Barbara together ...in uniforms... (A smile spreads across his face.)
The Queen: Better move on Philip, think of your blood pressure.
Cubby: Our villain, Monsieur Michel Lonsdale.
The Queen: Ah, hello M Lonsdale. Or perhaps I should say "Bonsoir" in a gesture of entente cordiale?
Michel: Bonsoir, Your Majesty. Yes, we French enjoy a gesture or two.
The Duke: Yes, usually waving a white flag to advancing German troops.
The Queen: PHILIP!!!!
The Queen: So in this film " What do you do "?
Michel: I try and achieve ultimate power.
The Duke: Rather like our new PM Margaret Thatcher, then.
Michel: Oh, I don't think Drax is in her league, sir.
The Queen: Drax, eh?
Michel: Yes, he was a German who came to Britain and changed his name to something more British.
The Queen: I wouldn't know anything about that.
Michel: LIke "Windsor", ma’am.
The Queen: Oh yes, Barbara Windsor, is she in this too?
The Duke: M Lonsdale, haven’t I seen your name before?
Michel: Yes, I’m fairly well-known as an actor outside of France too, Your Highness.
The Duke: Actor? I thought you were the boxer chap. Got it! I’ve seen your name on my boxer shorts.
The Queen: (Rolling her eyes.) You were very good in ‘The Day of the Jackal’, M Lonsdale.
Michel: I am obliged, Your Majesty.
The Duke: ‘Day of the Jackal’? What’s that one all about?
Michel: A ‘hit man’ who is hired to shoot President De Gaulle. He’s a very skilled and relentless assassin. It seems to have been based on some truth.
The Queen: (Taking Michel’s elbow.) Hiring a ‘hit man’? How would one go about such a thing? (Murmuring in his ear.) We must discuss this over tea and cucumber sandwiches, M Lonsdale.
Michel: Funny you should say that…
Cubby: Next is the lovely Corrine Clery.
The Duke: Hmph, another bleedin’ fro-
The Queen: Philip! Good evening, Mlle Clery.
Corrine: A privilege, ma’am.
The Duke: Hang on, haven’t I seen you somewhere before?
Corrine: Why, I wouldn’t think so, sir.
The Duke: Oh yes, you were in that film… er… no, you’re quite right, I have not seen you before. Most definitely not..... er? ..... Oh look, there's that big guy again! What was his name…? “Lips”? “Teeth”?
Cubby: Jaws, sir- and here is Mr Richard Kiel now.
The Queen: (Looking up.) Oh, another charming belt buckle, Mr Kiel.
Richard: Thank you, ma’am.
The Queen: And what may I have seen you in lately?
Richard: “Force Ten From Navarone”?
The Queen: Oh yes, we were just talking about that with Miss Chiles.
Richard: Yes, but she wasn't in it, it was Barbara.
The Duke: Don't start that again, I've already been through it with Lois. Also, did I hear a slight accent?
Richard: She's from the south, sir
The Duke: Ah, Isle of Wight then.
Cubby: May I introduce our director, Mr Lewis Gilbert?
Queen: Mr Gilbert? One had heard that a Mr Spielberg was going to be directing this time.
Cubby: Ah yes. He offered to direct, but frankly we weren’t interested.
Duke: Spielberg, eh? Probably just another one-hit wonder who’ll fade into obscurity. (He points to Richard Kiel.) Imagine him trying to direct Jaws, eh? (The Queen palms her face. Cubby quickly moves to the next in line.)
Cubby: And this is Mademoiselle Blanche Ravalec, who plays Dolly.
The Queen: Bonsoir, Mlle Ravalec
Blanche: Salutation de votre Majesté.
The Duke: Oh, don’t start her on French. It’s bad enough, her speaking German every chance she gets.
Blanche: I thought I had a bigger part, as the script had instructions for dolly on every page, until I was told it was instructions for the camera crew.
The Queen; What lovely braces you are wearing.
Blanche: Oh, do you like them? Yes, they are useful for keeping my trousers up, they do not make belts in my size.
The Queen: I see.
Blanche: Some do not see my braces at all.
The Duke: That might cause a few arguments.
Blanche: They were made for me by the Italian designers the Cornetto Brothers. They worked together for many years until Mario died.
The Queen: How fascinating, so now it's just one Cornetto.
Queen: So Mr Broccoli, what made you decide to do a remake?
Cubby: (Perplexed) Remake, your Majesty?
Queen: Yes – wasn’t the original made in 1954 by Orson Welles, with Dirk Bogarde as 007, Mr Welles playing Drax, and Peter Lorre as the henchman?
Cubby: I’m afraid that’s a hoax, your Majesty – there was no such thing. It was made up as an April Fool’s Day joke.
Duke: They’ll print anything these days. Imagine Peter Lorre in a Bond film! (The Queen palms her face again.)
Cubby: (Quickly.) Shall we go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: Yes, I think it’s time to attempt entry.
Comments
1908 was the year Ian Fleming was born.
1968 was the year Daniel Craig was born.
Hence the dating. Of course, this is subject to debate. IMHO, Bond could not be born before Fleming but he himself was, shall we say, flexible with Bond's exact age and the films have continued this.
If you look at Albert Finney (Kincade) when he was young, there is a remarkable resemblance to Ewan McGregor- so much so, that in the film "Big Fish" (2003) they play the same character old and young.
What is the sign that you are the nerdiest Nerd?
When you post some puns on a specialized forum and you have to explain them because noone else understands them
Keep them coming Chas, I really enjoy them and your explanations, too
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
(The door opens and Bond enters. He picks up the mail and throws it on his chair, then casts his jacket to the side and loosens his tie.
He heads to the drinks tray and mixes himself a strong whisky and soda, preferring to keep his usual drink for later.
Bond sits down and begins to leaf through his mail. Impatiently he tosses aside bills, fliers, and letters from the Child Support Agency. He stiffens as he recognizes the writing on one otherwise plain envelope then slits it open, to withdraw only a computer disc with no covering note. Puzzled, he heads for his laptop and inserts the disc, clearly having learned nothing from Q’s bad experience three years earlier. A familiar face appears on the screen.)
M: 007, I need you to do something for me. Find a man called Marco Sciarra. Kill him, and don't miss the funeral. (As the picture fades she can faintly be heard saying “Is that enough, Sam?”)
(Puzzled, Bond examines the envelope wondering why this has taken so long to reach him since it has been three years since she died. Eventually, he notices the words “Royal Mail” and nods ruefully. He reaches for his phone and begins to track down this Marco Sciarra...)
1965. (Royal Premiere of “Thunderball”)
The Royal limousine draws up in front of the theatre. Harry and Cubby prepare to meet the Queen. She steps out, accompanied by the Duke.
The Queen: Good evening, gentlemen.
Harry: Good evening, Your- argh!
(Kevin McClory elbows his way in front of Harry and Cubby.)
Kevin: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Queen: ...er, good evening.
Kevin: I’m Kevin McClory, and welcome to my Bond movie.
Cubby: YOUR Bond movie? Why you-
Kevin: May I present my James Bond, Mr Sean Connery?
(Harry and Cubby seethe.)
The Queen: Of course. How nice to see you again, Mr Connery.
Sean: A pleashure ash alwaysh, ma’am.
(Harry and Cubby try to speak to the Queen, but Kevin keeps getting in between.)
The Duke: Enjoyed your last Bond film, Connery, hope this one is as good. Any golf in this one?
Sean: No, moshtly all at shea. Adrift….
The Duke: Fish for supper I suppose?
Sean: Yesh, usually. I wouldn't share my lunch with Claudine once and she shaid it wash shelfish, I said “Of courshe it's bloody shellfish- it'sh all you can get on this island.”
The Duke: Been doing much since we last met?
Sean: Well, I did a film called “The Hill” that I’m very proud of, and one for Alfred Hitchcock.
The Queen: Oh my, I do hope that wasn’t too scary.
Sean: Not for me, ma’am, though posshibly for othersh.
Cubby: (Managing to reach the Queen while Harry gets Kevin in an armlock.) Our lovely leading lady, Mlle Claudine Auger, ma’am.
The Queen: How lovely you look, Mlle Auger.
Claudine: Thank you, ma’am.
The Duke: Lots of swimming in this one, I hear.
Claudine: Why yes, sir.
The Duke: Will you, um, be wearing a bikini like Ursula did?
Claudine: Some of the time, sir. (Lifting her dress.) My bikini is cut high on my hip here.
The Queen: Philip, put your tongue back in your head.
Kevin: (Throwing Harry to the floor.) Our villain, Adolfo Celi.
The Queen: Hello, Mr Celi.
Adolfo: Piacere di incontrarti, signora.
The Duke: (Muttering.) Bleedin’ eyetie…
The Queen: What did he say, Mr McClory? I didn't quite hear.
Kevin: ..er… (Not a clue.)… He asked if you were dining on board, must have meant a cheeseboard?
Cubby: (With a “gotcha” look at Kevin.) No, Your Majesty, he said “Pleased to meet you, ma’am”.
The Queen: Ah, I see. Will you be speaking English in this film, Mr Celi?
Harry: No, ma’am, he won’t- but rest assured that someone will.
Cubby: (Taking advantage of Kevin’s momentary silence.) And this is Signora Luciana Paluzzi, who plays the evil Fiona Volpe.
The Queen: Good evening, Signora Paluzzi, how radiant you look.
Luciana: Why, thank you, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Didn't they give you a rude name like in the last movie?
Luciana: No, although I do give Bond some discipline.
The Duke: (Suddenly appearing.) Ah, hello there.
The Queen: Oh, be quiet, Philip.
(Kevin goes to speak, but Harry kneels down behind him and Cubby shoves him over.)
Kevin: Aargh!
Cubby: Next, ma’am, is Mr Tom Jones, who is singing our title song.
(Tom is standing in a pile of ladies’ undergarments that grows steadily higher as they are thrown at him.)
The Queen: (Slightly blushing.) Ah, good evening Mr Jones.
Tom: (Voice exuding testosterone.) Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Queen: (Knees weakening, like every red-blooded woman within ten feet.) Ah, is this your first film song Mr Jones?
Tom: (Voice more macho than Arnold Schwarzenegger armwrestling with The Rock.) No, ma’am, I sang “What’s New Pussycat” in the film of the same name.
The Queen: (Close to fainting.) I see...so it's almost routine now?
Tom: Well, it's not unusual!
Kevin: Perhaps you might like to go in now, Your Majesty?
The Queen: Of course.
(Harry leads the Queen in, with the rest of the party following and Cubby bringing up the rear, but as Kevin goes to enter Cubby slams the door in his face and locks it. Kevin batters on the door like Fred Flintstone.)
Kevin: Broccoli! You can’t do this!
Cubby: Can’t I? Sue me!
1979. A hotel in Rio de Janeiro. Jaws and Dolly collapse back onto their respective pillows and light cigarettes.
Dolly: That was wonderful.
Jaws: For me, too.
Dolly: I’ve never met a man like you.
Jaws: To be fair, there aren’t many men like me.
Dolly: You are funny, pretending not to be able to talk.
Jaws: You, too. Isn’t it time you told me your name?
Dolly: Well… you’ll laugh.
Jaws: I won’t.
Dolly: You have to promise.
Jaws: I promise I won’t laugh.
Dolly: It’s… Dolly.
Jaws: It’s a lovely name. See, I didn’t laugh.
Dolly: All right, then what’s your name?
Jaws: Well…
Dolly: I won’t laugh.
Jaws: it’s Zbigniew Kryciswiki.
Dolly: I’m not laughing, I just don’t think I can say that.
Jaws: Just call me “Jaws”, it’s what I’m known as.
Dolly: Jaws… I like that! And it suits you...
Jaws: Dolly, I love you. I know I'll never find another girl like you. Will you marry me?
Dolly: Do you mean it?
Jaws: I mean it.
Dolly: Mr and Mrs Jaws. Of Acacia Avenue, Tunbridge Wells.
Jaws: Mm. How about… outer space?
Dolly: Outer space?
Jaws: Yes, my boss wants me to go to outer space soon. I’m sure I can get you along, too.
Dolly: Well… all right.
Jaws: So is that a “yes”?
Dolly: It’s a “yes”.
Jaws: Oh, I’m so glad! Shall we both continue pretending we can’t talk?
Dolly: Yes, I think so. But tonight isn’t over…
Jaws: Then brace yourself!
A CHRISTMAS TALE
Time is irrelevant in what follows, this must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate.
It’s Christmas Eve and the landlord of The Silencer And Black Garter, a private members pub, returns from the cellar and takes his place behind the bar. A large group of drinkers are sat around a table.
TB2: That’s really nice of you all to allow that heavily pregnant woman and her fiancé to doss down in the cellar as there is no room at the Premier Inn because of COVID restrictions.
TP: I see you’ve got round to changing the pub sign outside, TB2, but I must say I preferred the old one with the PPK and Domino.
Sir Miles: I missed that, what’s on the new sign?
Barbel: A PPK and Rosa Klebb in a nightie showing her leg with a garter
N24: You were late in today, TP?
TP: It’s Sunday, I was inspecting my collection of....ummm...art.
C&D: Mrs TP must wonder where all your money goes?
TP: It’s an investment, in fact I asked CHB for his appraisal
NP: What’s your verdict, CHB?
CHB: I liked the Asian girl with big threepenny bits best.
Barbel: Order a round on my chit, please
TB2: You’ve had all the Chablis, Lady Rose, I’ve got some Blue Nun...
TP: I’ve got a book of blue nuns in my collection
Higgins arrives.
Higgins: It’s all right, I’m wearing a pair of Church’s, best in the world, in fact everything British is best in the world.
N24: Christmas Eve is truly the day of miracles.
Asp9mm: Who let that blithering idiot in?
Higgins: Go boil your head, dumm.
Barbel: Now, now, Christmas is a time for peace and goodwill to all men, a time to reminisce about Christmas past
TP: I remember as a child, going to the countryside where my uncle had a turkey farm, I became very attached to one of the turkey’s and was able to communicate with her, she told me she was looking forward to Christmas...
Barbel starts to play his guitar...
Barbel: This is my version of Let Them In...
Somebody’s knocking at the door,
Somebody’s ringing the bell,
Do me a favour and let them in...ooh yeah,
Sean Connery was the greatest,
John Barry still my friend,
Lois Maxwell looking lovely,
Cubby Broccoli cooking linguine
Harry Saltzman smiling broadly
Des Llewelyn we all love you
Louis Armstro-oo-oo-ng,
Open the door, let them in....
TB2: (shouts excitedly)...Help, help, the baby’s coming!!! Who’s got medical experience?
Lady Rose, Barbel and Sir Miles leap into action and some time later the cries of a newborn are heard, everyone makes their way down to the cellar and crowd round the proud mother and father.
CHB: Is that a trick of the light or is that a halo I see above baby’s head?
C&D: It is a halo, the baby looks saintly
The baby rolls his eyes upwards, raises his eyebrows and smiles disarmingly
Sir Miles: It will take no persuasion to love this child
Higgins: We will all form a bond with him
Asp9mm: He will have a maverick personality
TP: He will never have to haunt himself
TB2 hands out drinks to toast the new arrival, Higgins’ eyes moisten, Asp9mm hugs him and everyone says in unison...
God Bless Us, everyone.
THE END
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
(The grandchildren got some presents earlier, and are now sleeping knowing very well that there will be more tomorrow)
I hope it's fun and safe, and I expect you've all been good and will get all you want this year
1979. (The Royal Premiere of “Moonraker.”)
(In the Royal limousine.)
The Duke: James Bond again. I hear this one is full of bleedin’ Frenchies.
The Queen: Philip! I have told you, we are all European partners now.
The Duke: You know I only have two peeves- not getting a decent kebab and bloody Europeans!
The Queen: Philip!!
The Duke: Hmph, as long as you don’t go all googly-eyed at that Roger Moore again like you always do.
The Queen: One is sure one doesn’t know what you mean.
(At the theatre. The limousine draws up and the Royal couple emerge.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Broccoli.
Cubby: Delighted to see you, ma’am. May I present our James Bond, Mr Roger Moore?
The Queen: How nice to see you again, Mr Moore.
Roger: You are looking lovelier than ever, Your Majesty.
The Queen: (Blushing.) How nice of you to say so.
The Duke: (Aside.) That’s the knighthood in the bag, then.
Roger: I do hope you enjoy our little film.
The Queen: Did you get my script idea about a special Bond adventure?
Roger: Ah? Yes, it was quite interesting- you and I flying up the Thames in a helicopter. I think the ending put a few off, though.
The Queen: Why would that be?
Roger: Well, my losing all my clothes and you having to rub baby lotion all over me.
The Queen: Really? It's intrinsic to the story and I'm sure it would be very tastefully shot.
(Meanwhile, the Duke chats with Cubby.)
Cubby: Yes we get a lot of crazy ideas sent to us- Bond dressing as a clown, Bond refusing a horny teenager's advances, Bond bursting a balloon in anger, even driving a motorbike off a cliff to catch a falling aircraft.
The Duke: All of those sound crazy.
Cubby: Even had one scene with a motorbike in a tunnel using a bright light to dazzle the driver and cause a crash!!! No one would ever believe it.
The Duke: Really? (...as he pockets his notebook and pen.)
Cubby: ...and this is our leading lady the beautiful Lois Chiles.
The Queen: A pleasure to meet you Miss Chiles.
Lois: The pleasure I'm sure is all mine, ma'am.
The Queen: I did enjoy you in that little movie with the wonderful David Niven.
Lois: “Death on the Nile”?
The Queen: Sorry, I was thinking of “The Guns Of Navarone”.
Lois: Perhaps “Force Ten From Navarone”? Barbara Bach was in that, and the last Bond film. I was offered it but refused.
The Duke: Listen young man, never turn down a war film, The only decent thing in the cinema these days.
Lois: No, they had wanted me to be in “The Spy Who Loved Me.”
The Duke: You and Barbara together ...in uniforms... (A smile spreads across his face.)
The Queen: Better move on Philip, think of your blood pressure.
Cubby: Our villain, Monsieur Michel Lonsdale.
The Queen: Ah, hello M Lonsdale. Or perhaps I should say "Bonsoir" in a gesture of entente cordiale?
Michel: Bonsoir, Your Majesty. Yes, we French enjoy a gesture or two.
The Duke: Yes, usually waving a white flag to advancing German troops.
The Queen: PHILIP!!!!
The Queen: So in this film " What do you do "?
Michel: I try and achieve ultimate power.
The Duke: Rather like our new PM Margaret Thatcher, then.
Michel: Oh, I don't think Drax is in her league, sir.
The Queen: Drax, eh?
Michel: Yes, he was a German who came to Britain and changed his name to something more British.
The Queen: I wouldn't know anything about that.
Michel: LIke "Windsor", ma’am.
The Queen: Oh yes, Barbara Windsor, is she in this too?
The Duke: M Lonsdale, haven’t I seen your name before?
Michel: Yes, I’m fairly well-known as an actor outside of France too, Your Highness.
The Duke: Actor? I thought you were the boxer chap. Got it! I’ve seen your name on my boxer shorts.
The Queen: (Rolling her eyes.) You were very good in ‘The Day of the Jackal’, M Lonsdale.
Michel: I am obliged, Your Majesty.
The Duke: ‘Day of the Jackal’? What’s that one all about?
Michel: A ‘hit man’ who is hired to shoot President De Gaulle. He’s a very skilled and relentless assassin. It seems to have been based on some truth.
The Queen: (Taking Michel’s elbow.) Hiring a ‘hit man’? How would one go about such a thing? (Murmuring in his ear.) We must discuss this over tea and cucumber sandwiches, M Lonsdale.
Michel: Funny you should say that…
Cubby: Next is the lovely Corrine Clery.
The Duke: Hmph, another bleedin’ fro-
The Queen: Philip! Good evening, Mlle Clery.
Corrine: A privilege, ma’am.
The Duke: Hang on, haven’t I seen you somewhere before?
Corrine: Why, I wouldn’t think so, sir.
The Duke: Oh yes, you were in that film… er… no, you’re quite right, I have not seen you before. Most definitely not..... er? ..... Oh look, there's that big guy again! What was his name…? “Lips”? “Teeth”?
Cubby: Jaws, sir- and here is Mr Richard Kiel now.
The Queen: (Looking up.) Oh, another charming belt buckle, Mr Kiel.
Richard: Thank you, ma’am.
The Queen: And what may I have seen you in lately?
Richard: “Force Ten From Navarone”?
The Queen: Oh yes, we were just talking about that with Miss Chiles.
Richard: Yes, but she wasn't in it, it was Barbara.
The Duke: Don't start that again, I've already been through it with Lois. Also, did I hear a slight accent?
Richard: She's from the south, sir
The Duke: Ah, Isle of Wight then.
Cubby: May I introduce our director, Mr Lewis Gilbert?
Queen: Mr Gilbert? One had heard that a Mr Spielberg was going to be directing this time.
Cubby: Ah yes. He offered to direct, but frankly we weren’t interested.
Duke: Spielberg, eh? Probably just another one-hit wonder who’ll fade into obscurity. (He points to Richard Kiel.) Imagine him trying to direct Jaws, eh?
(The Queen palms her face. Cubby quickly moves to the next in line.)
Cubby: And this is Mademoiselle Blanche Ravalec, who plays Dolly.
The Queen: Bonsoir, Mlle Ravalec
Blanche: Salutation de votre Majesté.
The Duke: Oh, don’t start her on French. It’s bad enough, her speaking German every chance she gets.
Blanche: I thought I had a bigger part, as the script had instructions for dolly on every page, until I was told it was instructions for the camera crew.
The Queen; What lovely braces you are wearing.
Blanche: Oh, do you like them? Yes, they are useful for keeping my trousers up, they do not make belts in my size.
The Queen: I see.
Blanche: Some do not see my braces at all.
The Duke: That might cause a few arguments.
Blanche: They were made for me by the Italian designers the Cornetto Brothers. They worked together for many years until Mario died.
The Queen: How fascinating, so now it's just one Cornetto.
Queen: So Mr Broccoli, what made you decide to do a remake?
Cubby: (Perplexed) Remake, your Majesty?
Queen: Yes – wasn’t the original made in 1954 by Orson Welles, with Dirk Bogarde as 007, Mr Welles playing Drax, and Peter Lorre as the henchman?
Cubby: I’m afraid that’s a hoax, your Majesty – there was no such thing. It was made up as an April Fool’s Day joke.
Duke: They’ll print anything these days. Imagine Peter Lorre in a Bond film!
(The Queen palms her face again.)
Cubby: (Quickly.) Shall we go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: Yes, I think it’s time to attempt entry.