BB: So, we have a title and a plot- now, casting. Any thoughts?
Michael Apted: Well, clearly we’re bringing back Robbie Coltrane for Zukovsky.
MGW: That’s a given, assuming he's available.
Apted: I'm sure he'll be delighted- he's been wanting to get a recurring part in a major series of films.
Wade: We'll be his best chance for that.
MGW: And for Renard?
Purvis: What about Toby Stephens?
BB: Hmm, an interesting idea. Michael?
MGW: We’ll put that on the shelf for the moment. Maybe try another day.
Wade: What about that guy from “Trainspotting”?
Apted: Don’t think he’d be available, George Lucas has got him signed up for the new “Star Wars” movie to play Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Purvis: Obi-Wan? Now that’s a name I’ve not heard for a long, long time.
Wade: Oh, excellent Alec Guinness impression there, Neal.
Purvis: Thanks!
Wade: Anyway, no, not him- the other one, the one from “The Full Monty”.
BB: Robert Carlyle? Good choice, let’s see if we can get him.
MGW: The most important part is Elektra, of course.
Apted: I think Jennifer Garner would make a good Elektra.
BB: Jennifer Garner? Well, that would be daring.
MGW: Some might say devilishly daring.
BB: Well, we could have a think about that. I'm not sure there.
MGW: Now, Christmas Jones…?
Wade: Oh, definitely Denise Richards.
Purvis: Yeah, Denise Richards for sure.
Apted: Can’t see anything going wrong with that. She’d certainly be very believable as a nuclear physicist.
Wade: I don’t see anyone not buying into that idea.
) I'm sure many nuclear physicist. Would like to think that we thought of them
looking like Denise Richards. I know from my " Gentleman's Interests " selection
of Movies, many Scientists, look very attractive same goes for Lady Doctors,
Policewomen, Teachers, Politicians, ...... the list is endless.
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Apted: Don’t think he’d be available, George Lucas has got him signed up for the new “Star Wars” movie to play Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Purvis: Obi-Wan? Now that’s a name I’ve not heard for a long, long time.
...
MGW: The most important part is Elektra, of course.
Apted: I think Jennifer Garner would make a good Elektra.
BB: Jennifer Garner? Well, that would be daring.
MGW: Some might say devilishly daring...
) ) ) Would love to see Jennifer Garner in a Bond film too... ;%
Man: Good afternoon, The Sharper Image Marketing, Bob Smith speaking. How may I help?
Ominous Voice (speaking softly and without inflection): I need some assistance.
Bob: Then you've come to the right place, sir. What is it you need help with? Mr.... ?
Ominous Voice: Blofeld. Ernst... Stavro... Blofeld. (pause) I need help with an acronym.
Bob: Oh goody! Our speciality. So what do you do, Ern... ah, Mr Bleauchamp?
Ominous Voice: Blofeld. A name which will soon be on the lips of.... but I digress. My business has many different branches, or arms, call them what you will.
Bob: I see. Such as...?
Ominous Voice: Terrorism. Revenge. Extortion.
Bob: Oooh! How about TREE? Could you come up with another E, maybe, uh, Extermination? Excommunication? Exhumation?
Ominous Voice: I do not think that TREE strikes the right ominous note, do you, Mr Smith? Let's see, "Prime Minister, you have until midnight to release the sum of ten million pounds, otherwise you will discover the wrath of... TREE"?
Bob: Yes, I see your point. How about, ah, DESTROY? The, uh, Dictat for Extortion, Something-something, Terrorism, Revenge, uh, Oppression.... help me out here...
Ominous Voice: You are on the right lines. But not quite there. It's not official enough. And you'd get caught out with the Y, nothing really terrifying starts with a Y. (Pause) My expectations were considerably higher.
Bob: Hmm. Let's try some word associations then. SMASH.
Ominous Voice: Sounds like a Radio One DJ. Or a mashed potato substitute.
Bob: CRUSH.
Ominous Voice: Like what a teenage girl has on her older brother's friend? No.
Bob: ANNIHILATE?
Ominous Voice: Nope.
Bob: SLAUGHTER? LIQUIDATE? EXTERMINATE?
Ominous Voice: No. (pause) I have decided on the appropriate course of action. Goodbye, Mr...
Bob (exasperated): Why don't you try asking the Civil Service, Mr Blofeld? If they can dream up Quango, Ofsted, Asbo and the like, they may be able to help - although frankly I don't think they have a spectre of a chance... Hello, Mr Blofeld, you still there?
Executive: So, you have a film for me?
Harry: Yes, sir, we do.
Cubby: It’s a spy thriller.
Executive: Spy thrillers are tight!
Harry: It’s based on a book by Ian Fleming, the books have been very successful and we think a film or even a series of films might be even more successful.
Cubby: It’s about this sophisticated upper-class English secret agent.
Executive: Hmm, sounds like David Niven or Cary Grant would be ideal.
Harry: Yes, so we've hired a Scottish truck driver.
Executive: Say what?
Cubby: Oh, he’s done some acting too and he once was a runner-up for Mr Universe.
Executive: Ah…
Harry: He has a thick Scottish accent and talksh like thish.
Cubby: And he’s going bald really fast.
Executive: Guys, are you sure this’ll work?
Harry: Oh, it’ll be super easy.
Cubby: Barely an inconvenience.
Executive: I don’t know…
Cubby: We can do it on a bargain budget.
Harry: Maybe one million dollars.
Executive: (Resists urge to put pinky in mouth.) One million dollars?
Harry: Yes, sir, cheap at twice the price. We think this will make a massive profit and we’ll go on to make plenty more of them.
Executive: Fellas, I really don’t see this working.
Cubby: Harry, did you bring the picture?
Harry: Oh yes. (Produces picture.) And this is our female lead, Miss Ursula Andress.
Executive: (Examines picture.) Ah….
Cubby: She’ll be wearing a white bikini for a lot of the movie.
Executive: … so, when can you start shooting?
(Q is working at his desk.)
Q: Dum-de-dum… (He carefully inserts an explosive charge into a fountain pen.)
Q: There, that’s that ready now. (The door opens and 009 walks in.)
Q: Oh crap…
009: Morning, Q.
Q: Ah, er, morning 009.
009: Is my car ready?
Q: Car, you say?
009: Yes, the new Aston Martin. You said it would be ready today.
Q: Ready? Today?
009: Yes. Where is it?
Q: Er… perhaps you’d like some champagne?
009: Champagne?
Q: It’s Bollinger.
009: Bollinger… has 007 been here?
Q: Well, if you put it that way…
009: Are you trying to tell me you gave my beautiful new Aston Martin to 007?
Q: Well, I wouldn’t say “gave”, exactly…
009: Bloody 007! You promised me that car!
Q: But-
009: It’s always the same! He always gets every new thing! All the bright and shiny gadgets, all the cool cars!
Q: Yes, well-
009: Oh, I’ve had enough. I’m off to see Rowan Atkinson, maybe I can get better conditions under Johnny English!
1971. Eon HQ, hidden behind a false wall in a hotel in Tangier.
Cubby: Well, I suppose we better tell him, then.
Harry: Yes, I suppose so. Do you want to do it or shall I?
Cubby: We’ll do it together, that’s best.
Harry: Yes, you’re right. (Presses button on intercom.) Send Mr Gavin in, please. (The door opens and John Gavin enters.)
Gavin: Good morning, Mr Broccoli, Mr Saltzman.
Harry: Hi, John, take a seat.
Gavin: I don’t mind telling you both that I’m so excited, and I’m looking forward to this so much.
Cubby: John…
Gavin: The script is so funny! I love the line about “Acme Pollution lnspection, we’re cleaning up the world”.
Harry: John-
Gavin: And the whole bit in the casino with Plenty O’Toole being named after her father, perhaps.
Cubby: Look, John-
Gavin: And of course I’m looking forward to driving a moon buggy, too! That sounds really exciting!
Harry: Listen, John, we have news for you. Sean Connery has agreed to come back for this movie.
Gavin: But you said-
Cubby: Yes, you’re right, we did say that, but it’s final. Sean will be coming back. Now, we’ll still pay you all the money we promised-
Gavin: (Not taking it in.) And I’ve never been to Las Vegas.
Harry: Yes, John, we’re-
Gavin: And I’d always rather fancied a trip to South Africa.
Cubby: You’re going to Holland… er, I mean, you were going to Holland. Look, John, here’s the money we said we would pay you. It’s yours. And of course, our thanks.
Harry: If there’s every anything we could do for you…?
Gavin: Well, there is one thing.
Cubby: Of course, name it.
Gavin: Have you got Kevin McClory’s phone number? Maybe he would pay me not to be James Bond as well.
Thunderpussy and I wrote this sketch which is set on Corsica, I believe.
1977. (Actually sir, it is in Sardinia.)
Stromberg: So, Naomi, I want you to take the helicopter and hide below the road, ready to appear out of nowhere and shoot at Bond in his white Lotus.
Naomi: But Mr Stromberg, you have a motorcycle with a bomb hidden in the sidecar which will destroy him. You were very proud of that. I remember you calling all the team in to show off the plans.
Stromberg: True, but he may survive that. Mario hasn't had his motorcycle license very long. Hence the sidecar, as he hasn't had the stabilisers off very long.
Naomi: And then you have Jaws and some men in a car, all armed with sub-machine guns.
Stromberg: He may survive that, too, as Arnold is driving, and have you seen him try to parallel park?
Naomi: So… IF he survives the motorcycle with explosive sidecar, and then IF he survives Jaws and his men, all heavily armed, you want me to be hiding in the helicopter by the side of the road ready to shoot at him?
Stromberg: Yes, Naomi.
Naomi: Any suggestions of where to hide?
Stromberg: Behind a road sign? Something like “British Airways” or “Welcome to Louisiana”.
Naomi: And IF he survives that, you have security underwater just in case, oh I don’t know, his car can turn into a submarine?
Stromberg: Yes, Naomi. What’s not to understand?
Naomi: Oooookay…..
Stromberg: Now hand me up that 50kg bag of food, I have to feed the fish, and in that scoop I noticed one of my Pterois Volitans floating on its back. so I'll have to flush that later, and Naomi- I want that helicopter back in pristine condition. I've already lost one this week. I don't want to lose my No Claims Bonus.
1969. (Gatehouse, Pinewood Studios. A gaudy convertible car draws up, driven by a dark-haired young man with two flashily dressed young ladies in the back seat. The security guard approaches the car.)
Driver: G’day, mate.
Guard: Hello, sir. May I help you?
Driver: Sure thing, you could show me the way to where the James Bond film is being made.
Guard: The James Bond film? I shall have to see your security pass, sir.
Driver: Strewth, my security pass?
Guard: That’s right, sir, all visitors must show a security pass.
Driver: Visitors? I ain’t no visitor cobber, I’m James Bond!
Guard: You’re James Bond?
Driver: I sure am.
Guard: Look, young man, I’ve been on the gates here for many years. I know what James Bond looks like and I know what he shounds like, and you’re not him.
Driver: Just you lift that phone and call Peter Hunt and he will tell you who I am!
Guard: Peter Hunt? (Impressed that the driver knows the name.) All right, I will do just that- now you wait here. (The guard goes to the phone in his box and dials.)
Peter Hunt: (On phone.) Yes, hello?
Guard: Ah, hello Mr Hunt, this is Jack at the gate.
Peter: Yes Jack, what can I do for you?
Guard: I have a fellow here claiming to be James Bond, and he is insisting I call you for authorisation.
Peter: What sort of chap is he?
Guard: He appears to be an Australian gentleman, sir. Most uncouth and insistent. (Peter’s shudder can be felt down the phone line.)
Peter: Yes, that’ll be him. Just let him in, Jack.
Guard: Are you sure, sir?
Peter: I’m afraid so.
Guard: And the two young ladies with him?
Peter: (Sighs.) Yes, them too.
Guard: Certainly, sir. (He hangs up and gestures at the driver.)
Guard: Okay, you can go ahead.
Driver: Told you so! (The car drives off. A voice can faintly be heard as it disappears….)
Comments
1999. Eon HQ, in an office in Bilbao.
BB: So, we have a title and a plot- now, casting. Any thoughts?
Michael Apted: Well, clearly we’re bringing back Robbie Coltrane for Zukovsky.
MGW: That’s a given, assuming he's available.
Apted: I'm sure he'll be delighted- he's been wanting to get a recurring part in a major series of films.
Wade: We'll be his best chance for that.
MGW: And for Renard?
Purvis: What about Toby Stephens?
BB: Hmm, an interesting idea. Michael?
MGW: We’ll put that on the shelf for the moment. Maybe try another day.
Wade: What about that guy from “Trainspotting”?
Apted: Don’t think he’d be available, George Lucas has got him signed up for the new “Star Wars” movie to play Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Purvis: Obi-Wan? Now that’s a name I’ve not heard for a long, long time.
Wade: Oh, excellent Alec Guinness impression there, Neal.
Purvis: Thanks!
Wade: Anyway, no, not him- the other one, the one from “The Full Monty”.
BB: Robert Carlyle? Good choice, let’s see if we can get him.
MGW: The most important part is Elektra, of course.
Apted: I think Jennifer Garner would make a good Elektra.
BB: Jennifer Garner? Well, that would be daring.
MGW: Some might say devilishly daring.
BB: Well, we could have a think about that. I'm not sure there.
MGW: Now, Christmas Jones…?
Wade: Oh, definitely Denise Richards.
Purvis: Yeah, Denise Richards for sure.
Apted: Can’t see anything going wrong with that. She’d certainly be very believable as a nuclear physicist.
Wade: I don’t see anyone not buying into that idea.
looking like Denise Richards. I know from my " Gentleman's Interests " selection
of Movies, many Scientists, look very attractive same goes for Lady Doctors,
Policewomen, Teachers, Politicians, ...... the list is endless.
Job of his preparations on the walls before applying the paint
Man: Good afternoon, The Sharper Image Marketing, Bob Smith speaking. How may I help?
Ominous Voice (speaking softly and without inflection): I need some assistance.
Bob: Then you've come to the right place, sir. What is it you need help with? Mr.... ?
Ominous Voice: Blofeld. Ernst... Stavro... Blofeld. (pause) I need help with an acronym.
Bob: Oh goody! Our speciality. So what do you do, Ern... ah, Mr Bleauchamp?
Ominous Voice: Blofeld. A name which will soon be on the lips of.... but I digress. My business has many different branches, or arms, call them what you will.
Bob: I see. Such as...?
Ominous Voice: Terrorism. Revenge. Extortion.
Bob: Oooh! How about TREE? Could you come up with another E, maybe, uh, Extermination? Excommunication? Exhumation?
Ominous Voice: I do not think that TREE strikes the right ominous note, do you, Mr Smith? Let's see, "Prime Minister, you have until midnight to release the sum of ten million pounds, otherwise you will discover the wrath of... TREE"?
Bob: Yes, I see your point. How about, ah, DESTROY? The, uh, Dictat for Extortion, Something-something, Terrorism, Revenge, uh, Oppression.... help me out here...
Ominous Voice: You are on the right lines. But not quite there. It's not official enough. And you'd get caught out with the Y, nothing really terrifying starts with a Y. (Pause) My expectations were considerably higher.
Bob: Hmm. Let's try some word associations then. SMASH.
Ominous Voice: Sounds like a Radio One DJ. Or a mashed potato substitute.
Bob: CRUSH.
Ominous Voice: Like what a teenage girl has on her older brother's friend? No.
Bob: ANNIHILATE?
Ominous Voice: Nope.
Bob: SLAUGHTER? LIQUIDATE? EXTERMINATE?
Ominous Voice: No. (pause) I have decided on the appropriate course of action. Goodbye, Mr...
Bob (exasperated): Why don't you try asking the Civil Service, Mr Blofeld? If they can dream up Quango, Ofsted, Asbo and the like, they may be able to help - although frankly I don't think they have a spectre of a chance... Hello, Mr Blofeld, you still there?
1962. United Artists HQ.
Executive: So, you have a film for me?
Harry: Yes, sir, we do.
Cubby: It’s a spy thriller.
Executive: Spy thrillers are tight!
Harry: It’s based on a book by Ian Fleming, the books have been very successful and we think a film or even a series of films might be even more successful.
Cubby: It’s about this sophisticated upper-class English secret agent.
Executive: Hmm, sounds like David Niven or Cary Grant would be ideal.
Harry: Yes, so we've hired a Scottish truck driver.
Executive: Say what?
Cubby: Oh, he’s done some acting too and he once was a runner-up for Mr Universe.
Executive: Ah…
Harry: He has a thick Scottish accent and talksh like thish.
Cubby: And he’s going bald really fast.
Executive: Guys, are you sure this’ll work?
Harry: Oh, it’ll be super easy.
Cubby: Barely an inconvenience.
Executive: I don’t know…
Cubby: We can do it on a bargain budget.
Harry: Maybe one million dollars.
Executive: (Resists urge to put pinky in mouth.) One million dollars?
Harry: Yes, sir, cheap at twice the price. We think this will make a massive profit and we’ll go on to make plenty more of them.
Executive: Fellas, I really don’t see this working.
Cubby: Harry, did you bring the picture?
Harry: Oh yes. (Produces picture.) And this is our female lead, Miss Ursula Andress.
Executive: (Examines picture.) Ah….
Cubby: She’ll be wearing a white bikini for a lot of the movie.
Executive: … so, when can you start shooting?
Barbel: I had to google, Ryan George, as I have never heard of him, and I’m still none the wiser
2015. Q’s lab.
(Q is working at his desk.)
Q: Dum-de-dum…
(He carefully inserts an explosive charge into a fountain pen.)
Q: There, that’s that ready now.
(The door opens and 009 walks in.)
Q: Oh crap…
009: Morning, Q.
Q: Ah, er, morning 009.
009: Is my car ready?
Q: Car, you say?
009: Yes, the new Aston Martin. You said it would be ready today.
Q: Ready? Today?
009: Yes. Where is it?
Q: Er… perhaps you’d like some champagne?
009: Champagne?
Q: It’s Bollinger.
009: Bollinger… has 007 been here?
Q: Well, if you put it that way…
009: Are you trying to tell me you gave my beautiful new Aston Martin to 007?
Q: Well, I wouldn’t say “gave”, exactly…
009: Bloody 007! You promised me that car!
Q: But-
009: It’s always the same! He always gets every new thing! All the bright and shiny gadgets, all the cool cars!
Q: Yes, well-
009: Oh, I’ve had enough. I’m off to see Rowan Atkinson, maybe I can get better conditions under Johnny English!
"Oh, alright then."
Roger Moore 1927-2017
1971. Eon HQ, hidden behind a false wall in a hotel in Tangier.
Cubby: Well, I suppose we better tell him, then.
Harry: Yes, I suppose so. Do you want to do it or shall I?
Cubby: We’ll do it together, that’s best.
Harry: Yes, you’re right. (Presses button on intercom.) Send Mr Gavin in, please.
(The door opens and John Gavin enters.)
Gavin: Good morning, Mr Broccoli, Mr Saltzman.
Harry: Hi, John, take a seat.
Gavin: I don’t mind telling you both that I’m so excited, and I’m looking forward to this so much.
Cubby: John…
Gavin: The script is so funny! I love the line about “Acme Pollution lnspection, we’re cleaning up the world”.
Harry: John-
Gavin: And the whole bit in the casino with Plenty O’Toole being named after her father, perhaps.
Cubby: Look, John-
Gavin: And of course I’m looking forward to driving a moon buggy, too! That sounds really exciting!
Harry: Listen, John, we have news for you. Sean Connery has agreed to come back for this movie.
Gavin: But you said-
Cubby: Yes, you’re right, we did say that, but it’s final. Sean will be coming back. Now, we’ll still pay you all the money we promised-
Gavin: (Not taking it in.) And I’ve never been to Las Vegas.
Harry: Yes, John, we’re-
Gavin: And I’d always rather fancied a trip to South Africa.
Cubby: You’re going to Holland… er, I mean, you were going to Holland. Look, John, here’s the money we said we would pay you. It’s yours. And of course, our thanks.
Harry: If there’s every anything we could do for you…?
Gavin: Well, there is one thing.
Cubby: Of course, name it.
Gavin: Have you got Kevin McClory’s phone number? Maybe he would pay me not to be James Bond as well.
The callback to 1971 has reminded me to update my signature for 2021...
Happy New Year, all!
And of course, a Happy New Year to all!
1977. (Actually sir, it is in Sardinia.)
Stromberg: So, Naomi, I want you to take the helicopter and hide below the road, ready to appear out of nowhere and shoot at Bond in his white Lotus.
Naomi: But Mr Stromberg, you have a motorcycle with a bomb hidden in the sidecar which will destroy him. You were very proud of that. I remember you calling all the team in to show off the plans.
Stromberg: True, but he may survive that. Mario hasn't had his motorcycle license very long. Hence the sidecar, as he hasn't had the stabilisers off very long.
Naomi: And then you have Jaws and some men in a car, all armed with sub-machine guns.
Stromberg: He may survive that, too, as Arnold is driving, and have you seen him try to parallel park?
Naomi: So… IF he survives the motorcycle with explosive sidecar, and then IF he survives Jaws and his men, all heavily armed, you want me to be hiding in the helicopter by the side of the road ready to shoot at him?
Stromberg: Yes, Naomi.
Naomi: Any suggestions of where to hide?
Stromberg: Behind a road sign? Something like “British Airways” or “Welcome to Louisiana”.
Naomi: And IF he survives that, you have security underwater just in case, oh I don’t know, his car can turn into a submarine?
Stromberg: Yes, Naomi. What’s not to understand?
Naomi: Oooookay…..
Stromberg: Now hand me up that 50kg bag of food, I have to feed the fish, and in that scoop I noticed one of my Pterois Volitans floating on its back. so I'll have to flush that later, and Naomi- I want that helicopter back in pristine condition. I've already lost one this week. I don't want to lose my No Claims Bonus.
Plans for more in the pipeline....
1969. (Gatehouse, Pinewood Studios. A gaudy convertible car draws up, driven by a dark-haired young man with two flashily dressed young ladies in the back seat. The security guard approaches the car.)
Driver: G’day, mate.
Guard: Hello, sir. May I help you?
Driver: Sure thing, you could show me the way to where the James Bond film is being made.
Guard: The James Bond film? I shall have to see your security pass, sir.
Driver: Strewth, my security pass?
Guard: That’s right, sir, all visitors must show a security pass.
Driver: Visitors? I ain’t no visitor cobber, I’m James Bond!
Guard: You’re James Bond?
Driver: I sure am.
Guard: Look, young man, I’ve been on the gates here for many years. I know what James Bond looks like and I know what he shounds like, and you’re not him.
Driver: Just you lift that phone and call Peter Hunt and he will tell you who I am!
Guard: Peter Hunt? (Impressed that the driver knows the name.) All right, I will do just that- now you wait here.
(The guard goes to the phone in his box and dials.)
Peter Hunt: (On phone.) Yes, hello?
Guard: Ah, hello Mr Hunt, this is Jack at the gate.
Peter: Yes Jack, what can I do for you?
Guard: I have a fellow here claiming to be James Bond, and he is insisting I call you for authorisation.
Peter: What sort of chap is he?
Guard: He appears to be an Australian gentleman, sir. Most uncouth and insistent.
(Peter’s shudder can be felt down the phone line.)
Peter: Yes, that’ll be him. Just let him in, Jack.
Guard: Are you sure, sir?
Peter: I’m afraid so.
Guard: And the two young ladies with him?
Peter: (Sighs.) Yes, them too.
Guard: Certainly, sir.
(He hangs up and gestures at the driver.)
Guard: Okay, you can go ahead.
Driver: Told you so!
(The car drives off. A voice can faintly be heard as it disappears….)