1954. (Goldeneye, Jamaica. Ian Fleming is enjoying his lunch.)
Housekeeper: Mr Fleming, phone call for you.
Ian: (Putting down his vodka martini.) Thank you. (Walks to phone.) Hello?
Ivar: (On phone.) Ian, hello, it’s Ivar.
Ian: Ivar, old boy! How are you?
Ivar: Oh fine, fine. Listen, you told me to call you when they screened that TV adaptation of “Casino Royale”, remember?
Ian: Oh yes, you’re quite right. You’ve seen it?
Ivar: Yes, I watched it last night.
Ian: And how was it? (Long pause.)
Ian: Ivar? Are you still there?
Ivar: Yes, I’m here.
Ian: So, I asked how was it.
Ivar: Well… Peter Lorre was pretty good as Le Chiffre.
Ian: I would expect no less, Peter Lorre is good in everything. And?
Ivar: Well… the casino set wasn’t too bad.
Ian: Ivar, you need to tell me more than that! How was the actor playing Bond? How did he sound saying “Bond. James Bond” for example?
Ivar: I wouldn’t know, he doesn’t say that.
Ian: Come again?
Ivar: He doesn’t say that, mainly because he’s not called that.
Ian: I’m sorry, this must be a bad line. I thought you just said he’s not called James Bond.
Ivar: That’s what I said. He’s called Jimmy Bond, or to be more exact “Card Sense Jimmy Bond”. (Strange choking sounds are heard on the line.)
Ivar: Ian? Are you all right?
Ian: (Incredulously.) Jimmy Bond? Card Sense Jimmy Bond????
Ivar: That’s it. Oh, he is called “James” once, I think.
Ian: Card Sense Jimmy Bond????
Ivar: Yes, that’s what they-
Ian: Card Sense Jimmy Bond????
Ivar: Calm down, Ian, calm down.
Ian: (Taking deep breaths.) All right, I’ve calmed down a bit.
Ivar: The actor’s called Barry Nelson, and he’s not too bad. Well, American of course, and-
Ian: They made James Bond an American?
Ivar: Well, actually they made Card Sense Jimmy Bond an American, but I see your point.
Ian: (Sarcastically.) And I bet they made Felix Leiter British, then?
Ivar: Why, yes, how did you guess?
Ian: Call it a wild stab in the dark.
Ivar: And of course they call him Clarence Leiter-
Ian: Cla-
Ivar: Ian, stop right now, think of your blood pressure. Take a few deep breaths…. Ok? Take a sip of your Vesper martini, I know you’ve got one to hand.
Ian: Oh, tell me they have him order a Vesper? Please tell me that’s there!
Ivar: Well, no. Mainly, I suppose, because she’s not called “Vesper”.
Ian: I’m beginning to see the way this is heading. I wonder why they bought the rights to my book at all when they’re changing so much it would have been easier to do an original story in the first place. All right, hit me- what’s she called?
Ivar: Valerie.
Ian: That’s not too bad, at least it begins with the same letter. Ok, I can take whatever else they’ve done, I suppose. Tell me about Mathis, is he any good?
Ivar: Oh, she’s Mathis.
Ian: What?????
Ivar: She’s Mathis- Valerie Mathis. (Those strange sounds are heard down the line again.)
Ivar: Ian, are you all right?
Ian: Every time I think… oh, never mind.
Ivar: They had to change the torture scene, of course.
Ian: Well, that I can understand. I don’t see them being able to show the TV audience Bond having his balls smashed with a carpet beater. What do they do, then?
Ivar: They pull his toenails out with pliers.
Ian: I can live with that. Anything else?
Ivar: I’m sure there’s more, but I think I’ve told you enough for the moment.
Ian: (Sighs.) Well, there’s one consolation- I know this is the worst possible adaptation of my book “Casino Royale” there could ever be.
2002. (Royal Premiere of… well, let’s just wait and see.)
(The Royal limousine.)
The Duke: I thought this wasn’t due till November.
The Queen: Well, one can never be sure. I have the feeling we should get used to this sort of thing, possibly for many years to come.
The Duke: More bloody James Bond- what’s this one called, anyway?
The Queen: “Gold-” um, something, one believes.
The Duke: Gold what? It’s not that one with your pin-up Roger Moore about a mine in South Africa, is it?
The Queen: No, not that one. It might be “Golden” something.
The Duke: Shower!
The Queen: PHILIP!!
The Duke: Sorry, that was a Gentleman's special interest film that an American businessman loaned me.
The Queen: Trump?
The Duke: It wasn't me! Must be the driver.
The Queen: It must be Finger again.
The Duke: Is that his name?
The Queen: No, the film must be "Goldfinger”.
The Duke: Haven’t we seen that one?
The Queen: Philip, you know there is such a thing as a remake.
The Duke: Hmph, as if we haven’t sat through enough the first time.
(Outside the theatre, Mike Myers talks with the director of the film, Jay Roach.)
Mike: Are you sure they’re coming, Jay?
Jay: Well, the palace said they would. To tell the truth, I was a little surprised.
Mike: Maybe they thought it was a James Bond film?
Jay: (Begins to laugh then suddenly stops.) Oh Lord, you don’t suppose that’s what’s happened?
Mike: Look, here they come now. Best just behave as if nothing’s wrong. (The limousine draws up outside the theatre, and the Royal couple emerge.)
The Queen: Good evening.
Jay. Good evening, Your Majesty. Thank you for coming to our premiere.
The Queen: Of course. One always tries to attend these premieres.
Jay: ...er… of course. May I present our leading man, Mr Mike Myers?
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Myers.
Mike: A pleasure, ma’am.
The Duke: You’ve changed since we last met, Brosnan.
Mike: Brosnan, sir?
The Duke: Yes, aren’t you James Bond?
Mike: Ah… in a manner of speaking... An imitation, Your Highness.
The Duke: Well obviously, there's only one Connery.
Mike: Powers, sir.
The Duke: No. I can't be seen drinking an Irish whiskey at a line up, ( Aside.) Thanks anyway, perhaps later.
Mike: Sorry it's, er, Austin.
The Duke: Oh good the Aston’s back then, with a few toys, eh?
Jay: Our beautiful leading lady, Miss Beyonce Knowles.
The Queen: Why, I believe we have met, Miss Knowles. Don’t you sing a bit?
Beyonce: You might say that, ma’am.
The Duke: Oh hello, there. My, aren’t you just the most-
The Queen: Quiet, Philip. And will you be singing in this film, Miss Knowles?
Beyonce: I sing, yes, I perform the title song.
Jay: I believe you already know Sir Michael Caine?
The Duke: Ah, at last a face I recognize. Glad to see you, Caine.
Michael: A pleasure as always, Your Highness.
The Duke: Loved that film of yours where you steal all the Italians’ gold while driving a Mini.
Michael: Thank you, sir.
The Duke: And who do you play in this one?
Michael: I'm the Daddy!
The Duke: True, you are indeed, but what's your role in this one?
Michael: I'm his father. (Pointing at Mike Myers, who is quickly getting his Dr Evil make-up on.)
The Duke: At last Andrew Bond gets his place on screen. So Sir Sean was Indiana Jones's father and you're the father of James Bond then?
Michael: What? My character's Nigel Powers- Powers!
The Duke: Why is everyone offering me whiskey? Oh all right then, but just a small double. (Whispers.) Though you'd better get a gin for Her Maj, keep her happy.
(Mike has changed into his Dr Evil character.)
Jay: And this is the villain of our piece, he’s called-
The Duke: No need for introductions, I'd recognise that bald head and Nehru suit anywhere- it’s Blofeld!
Mike: I'm Evil.
The Duke: Too right you are, stealing spacecraft and firing lasers from space!
Mike: I'm Dr… Dr Evil.
The Duke: Sorry, old boy, but it's Dr No. I should know, I've been to all these big openings. Which reminds me, there’s another video I have to get back from that Trump fellow.
Mike: It's me sir, I play two parts.
The Queen: Oh, how interesting, just like in the diamonds film. Does James kill one of you like in that one?
Mike: No ma'am, a bit different. We turn out to be long lost brothers.
The Queen: That sounds a bit silly, doesn't it Philip?
The Duke: Stupid idea.
The Queen: Yes, I would hate to see James Bond and his biggest enemy turn out to be brothers- whoever thought of it should be executed. And I believe I can arrange that.
The Duke: Absolutely, 007 shouldn't have to put up with a silly notion like that.
Waiter: Your drinks, sir.
The Duke: Thank you- keep them coming, I think we're going to need a few to get through this James Bond film.
Mike: It isn’t actually a James Bond film, Your Highness. It’s called “Austin Powers in Goldmember”.
The Queen: Goldmember! I was close.
The Duke: (Disappointed.) Not “Golden Showers” at all.
Jay: Why, no, sir.
The Duke: Well, Liz, what do you say we just go home?
The Queen: One believes you are correct. Someone call for the driver!
With grateful thanks to Barbel for providing invaluable help in completing this imaginary conversation.
1965. Eon HQ, in a gypsy camp near Istanbul.
Secretary: I’ve got Richard Zanuck on the line for you, Mr Broccoli.
Cubby: Put him through, please.
Zanuck: (On phone.) Hello, Cubby?
Cubby: Dickie, how are you?
Zanuck: Oh fine, fine. Listen-I want Raquel Welch.
Cubby: You’re not a bad judge, but get to the back of the queue, Dickie. We all want Raquel, but her husband’s always there with her.
Zanuck: No, no, I want her for a Fantastic Voyage.
Cubby: You want to take her around the world on your yacht? That WOULD be a fantastic voyage, Dickie!
Zanuck: No, no, it’s the title of my new movie, it starts shooting soon and I want Raquel as the glamour interest.
Cubby: Well she’s signed up to be the new Bond girl in Thunderball, we’re on location in Bermuda and she wears this skimpy black and white bikini. Where’s your movie being shot?
Zanuck: It’s studio bound and she wears an all-in-one.
Cubby: Sounds like no contest to me, Dickie.
Zanuck: If you release her, I’ll give you a delicatessen- in stainless steel!
Cubby: Hey, you’ve got yourself a deal.
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
MGW: So, our villain is seeking revenge on M and James has to stop him.
Purvis: What if…?
BB: Yes?
Wade: Yeah, Neal and I were talking and we think….
Sam Mendes: Come on, Robert, out with it!
Purvis: What if…
Purvis/Wade: (Together.) What if he succeeds?
BB: What?
MGW: Say again?
Wade: What if the villain succeeds? He kills M!
Mendes: (Intrigued.) Can you tell us a bit more?
MGW: Kills M?
BB: Are you kidding us?
Purvis: No, no, hear us out. James spends the first part of the movie trying to figure out what the villain is up to, and then he realizes that the plan is to kill M-
Wade: - so he tries desperately to stop him, but… he doesn’t.
Sam: So, M dies?
Purvis: Yup!
Wade: It’s never been done!
MGW: And for good reason. M is an essential character in our series, and we have Judi Dench playing her, and everybody loves Dame Judi!
BB: She has box-office pull, she’s got Oscars and a title, she brings us class.
Wade: True, but she can’t go on forever and it’d be good to give her a really strong send off.
Purvis: Rather than just have her replaced between movies.
Mendes: You know, I like this. (BB and MGW consult in whispers.)
BB: Guys, we agree, but only if...
Purvis: Yes?
BB: Only if....
Wade: Tell us!
MGW: ...you bring her back in the next one.
Purvis: What?
Wade: Say again?
BB: You bring her back in the next one.
Sam: I like this even more!
Purvis/Wade: (Together.) But how?
MGW: You guys are the writers- you figure it out!
BB: Guys, we agree, but only if...
Purvis: Yes?
BB: Only if....
Wade: Tell us!
MGW: ...you bring her back in the next one.
Purvis: What?
Wade: Say again?
BB: You bring her back in the next one.
Sam: I like this even more!
Purvis/Wade: (Together.) But how?
MGW: You guys are the writers- you figure it out!
Brilliant! ) ) ) They missed an opportunity to make her Blofeld's mum...
Luisa: Come, eat with me in the dining room room, Roger.
Roger: No, I’m sorry, darling, I have to stay near this phone.
Luisa: Don’t be silly, you can hear it just fine in the dining room.
Roger: You don’t understand, my love, this is a very important call and I can’t take a chance on missing it.
Luisa: Well, if you miss it they’ll just phone back later.
Roger: No, I- (Phone rings.) Hello? Hello?…. Oh it’s you, Lew… No, I don’t want to do another series… No, really. Catch you later.
Luisa: Is that the call you were waiting for?
Roger: Afraid not, it was just Lew Grade asking if I wanted to do another series of “The Persuaders!”
Luisa: Look, go to the table right now. I’ll answer the phone if it rings.
Roger: (Reluctantly.) If you insist. (He heads for the dining room. The phone rings and Luisa answers as Roger instantly turns back.)
Luisa: Hello? (Roger is hovering over her.) Oh, hello mother…. Yes, we’re all fine… (Roger points to his watch agitatedly.) ...Look, I’ll call you back later. Love you! (Hangs up.) Really, Roger, this is silly.
Roger: But, darling, this may be the most important phone call I’ve ever- (Phone rings. He snatches it from Luisa’s hand.)
Roger: Hello? Hello? … What? I’ve got the part!! Wonderful! It’s called “Gold….”…. oh…. (He looks crestfallen.)
Luisa: Roger darling! What’s going on? You should be ecstatic, you’ve got the Bond role! Tell me, why are you looking so unhappy?
Roger: It’s Peter Hunt...
Lusia: Yes, yes, the Bond director!
Roger: I’ve got the part in “Gold”…
Luisa: Yes, yes, The Man with the Golden Gun!
Roger: No… just ‘Gold’… with Susannah York… by Wilbur Smith… it’s not Bond.
Luisa (Now also looking crestfallen.) Oh Roger, I’m so sorry. (Phone rings again, Roger answers.)
Roger: Ok, who now? Lew, Tony, Mamma? An outraged chef, or a humili… oh. (Takes deep breath, tries to sound calm.) Hi Cubby. What’s up?
1999. More excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Monday: Today I have to do a big scene with everybody- Peers Bronson, Queen Judi, and Sophie Marceau. Sophie is behaving like she is the leading lady of this film! She gets most of the lines! I try to stand where I’ll be seen but Mr Apted keeps moving me. Every time she talks to Pierse or Queen Judi I move forward but he keeps making me stand in the back.
I asked Queen Judi why Sophie is behaving like she is the leading lady and the villain of the film all rolled up into one, but she only asked me how I was getting on with my script reading. x
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Monday: The scene with Bond and M and Elektra in the control room. There’s a lot of exposition here, so obviously I kept Denise well in the background. For some reason she keeps standing in front of Judi or Sophie and I have to keep telling her to move back. Eventually I had to let her say something so I gave her two lines and crossed my fingers.
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Tuesday: Pierz and I have to pretend we are in a tunnel. There are lots of pretty sparkly lights and I have to say stuff like “tactical fission device” and “half the plutonium’s missing”. Peirs and Mr Apted were so wonderful, helping me get it right. x
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Tuesday: Oh dear God, I thought this day would never end. Denise kept saying things like “fissing tacking device” and “half the platinum’s missing”. Pierce’s teeth must have been ground to powder by the time we reached take 47.
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Wednesday: Nice scene today! James Bond and me have to pretend that we have been blown up! I enjoy working with Piers. I told him I didn’t see how he found the time, what with his morning show on the TV. I just love his beautiful smile. x
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Wednesday: Pierce is doing that fixed grin again, I wish I knew what she says to him.
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Thursday: Mr Broccoli and Miss Wilson came down to the set today. I said hello, but they kept talking with Mr Apted. They did look over at me once or twice though. x
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Thursday: Barbara and Michael are adamant, we have to use Denise no matter how much I begged. Pierce came over and joined in the begging, but they won’t budge. Apparently the US distributors insist on one American name in the main cast.
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Friday: My last scene today. Quite an easy one, I just had to kiss Pears. He said something about eating turkey for Christmas and I was to smile as if I understood. It didn’t take too many retakes to get it right. x
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Friday: May the Lord be thanked.
(Inside the Royal limousine.)
The Duke: Well, here we go again- another James Bond film. What do you know about this one, Elizabeth?
The Queen: Some character is called Paris in the movie tonight, apparently...
The Duke: Really? All went well in Paris recently, I thought...
The Queen: Sshhh... Apparently, she’s played by that actress you liked so much in the Superman TV series.
The Duke: I’d certainly like to be in Paris tonight then!
The Queen: Philip!
(Outside the theatre.)
MGW: Right, here they come now. Positions everyone. (The Queen and the Duke emerge.)
The Queen: Ah, good evening. You’ll be Mr Broccoli Jr then?
MGW: (Not daring to correct her.) Ah…close enough. Good evening, Your Majesty, may I present my sister, Miss Barbara Broccoli?
The Queen: How nice to see you again, Miss Broccoli.
BB: And you, ma’am.
MGW: May I present our James Bond, Mr Pierce Brosnan.
The Queen: How nice to see you again, Mr Brosnan.
Pierce: I’m honoured, ma’am.
The Duke: The last fella only managed two movies, think you’ll do better than that, Brosnan?
Pierce: I do hope so, Your Highness.
The Queen: Didn't you recently do some sort of disaster movie?
Pierce: "Taffin" was a long time ago, ma'am.
The Duke: No, something about “Inferno” or “Flaming”, “Dante” .... something?
Pierce: Peak, sir.
The Duke: Oh, I'm sure you haven't reached your peak yet.
Pierce: Yes, I'll know that if they ever have me windsurf a tsunami or give me an invisible car.
The Duke: Elizabeth, why not call your maids of honour over to meet Mr Brosnan?
The Queen: Attend, ladies..... Posh, Scary, Ginger.......
BB: Our lovely leading lady, Miss Michelle Yeoh.
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Yeoh.
Michelle: Good evening, ma’am.
The Duke: Are you Filipino? Your country must be half-empty, you’re all here running the NHS.
Michelle: No, sir, I’m...
The Duke: (Interrupting.) Chinese? Damn country, wouldn’t surprise me if they were busy inventing some virus to unleash on the world!
Michelle: No, sir, I’m from Malaysia. In fact I won the Miss Malaysian beauty pageant.
The Duke: That must have been a long time ago!
The Queen: Philip!
The Duke: Where’s that Paris girl, wouldn’t mind taking her-
The Queen: Philip, please!!!!!
MGW: Our villain, Mr Jonathan Pryce.
The Queen: What films do I know your face from, Mr Pryce?
Jonathan: Perhaps “Evita”, ma’am?
The Queen: No, I haven’t seen that.
Jonathan: I was in “Brazil”.
The Duke: Oh, we were there a few years ago as well.
The Queen: Yes, and very nice it was too.
Jonathan: Er, no, the film ma’am. Perhaps you know “Jumpin’ Jack Flash”?
The Queen: Of course- I love the Rolling Stones!
Jonathan: I also have a great car chase movie coming out soon, "Ronin”.
The Duke: Sounds interesting.
Jonathan: Yes, we have a few fantastic car chases. One is through a few traffic tunnels in Paris which........
The Duke: (Hurriedly.) Oh, we are neglecting our other guests .........
BB: May I present Miss Teri Hatcher.
The Queen: Ah, you played Lois Lane on TV, I believe?
Teri: That’s so, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Moving from Superman to James Bond, would you call it a demotion or a promotion?
Teri: Well, I certainly didn’t think I was going down.
The Duke: Aahhhh…
The Queen: Quiet, Philip. And do you enjoy the acting world?
Teri: Well I wouldn’t like to be a housewife- unless I was desperate.
BB: Of course you know Dame Judi Dench, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Ah, how nice to see you again, Dame Judi.
Judi: Always a pleasure, ma’am.
The Queen: We were just watching you on TV the other night, in that show of yours…?
Judi: “As Time Goes By”, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Yes, the one where you’re married to that appalling dunderhead, what was his name again…?
Judi: Geoffrey Palmer- hey, Geoffrey, are you hearing this? (Geoffrey Palmer, who was standing in line, walks over.)
Geoffrey: Yes, Judi, I heard that.
The Duke: Ah, yes, er….
Judi: He’s in this film as well- and don’t worry, Your Highness, he plays an appalling dunderhead here, too.
MGW: Next, ma’am, is Mr Colin Salmond.
The Queen: How nice. And which part do you play, Mr Salmond?
Colin: Charles Robinson, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Charles Robinson?
The Duke: Colin Salmond? (The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, shrug, and move on. Colin sighs.)
BB: Our new composer, Mr David Arnold.
The Queen: Pleased to meet you, Mr Arnold.
David: A privilege, ma’am.
The Queen: Was it difficult taking over from the last composer?
David: Two crows trapped in a tin can wouldn’t have found it difficult to take over from the last composer, Your Majesty. May I present our singer, kd lang?
The Queen: Good evening, Miss lang.
kd: Good eve-
Sheryl Crowe: Hey wait a moment, I sing the title song!
kd: Sing? That’s not the word I would use!
Sheryl: Bitch! (Slaps kd.)
kd: Devil! (Kicks Sheryl.)
MGW: (Horrifiedly watching the screeching ball of nails and stilettos.) David, get them separated!
David: No way, I’m not getting in the middle of that!
BB: Perhaps we should go in now, Your Majesty?
The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.
Comments
Housekeeper: Mr Fleming, phone call for you.
Ian: (Putting down his vodka martini.) Thank you. (Walks to phone.) Hello?
Ivar: (On phone.) Ian, hello, it’s Ivar.
Ian: Ivar, old boy! How are you?
Ivar: Oh fine, fine. Listen, you told me to call you when they screened that TV adaptation of “Casino Royale”, remember?
Ian: Oh yes, you’re quite right. You’ve seen it?
Ivar: Yes, I watched it last night.
Ian: And how was it?
(Long pause.)
Ian: Ivar? Are you still there?
Ivar: Yes, I’m here.
Ian: So, I asked how was it.
Ivar: Well… Peter Lorre was pretty good as Le Chiffre.
Ian: I would expect no less, Peter Lorre is good in everything. And?
Ivar: Well… the casino set wasn’t too bad.
Ian: Ivar, you need to tell me more than that! How was the actor playing Bond? How did he sound saying “Bond. James Bond” for example?
Ivar: I wouldn’t know, he doesn’t say that.
Ian: Come again?
Ivar: He doesn’t say that, mainly because he’s not called that.
Ian: I’m sorry, this must be a bad line. I thought you just said he’s not called James Bond.
Ivar: That’s what I said. He’s called Jimmy Bond, or to be more exact “Card Sense Jimmy Bond”.
(Strange choking sounds are heard on the line.)
Ivar: Ian? Are you all right?
Ian: (Incredulously.) Jimmy Bond? Card Sense Jimmy Bond????
Ivar: That’s it. Oh, he is called “James” once, I think.
Ian: Card Sense Jimmy Bond????
Ivar: Yes, that’s what they-
Ian: Card Sense Jimmy Bond????
Ivar: Calm down, Ian, calm down.
Ian: (Taking deep breaths.) All right, I’ve calmed down a bit.
Ivar: The actor’s called Barry Nelson, and he’s not too bad. Well, American of course, and-
Ian: They made James Bond an American?
Ivar: Well, actually they made Card Sense Jimmy Bond an American, but I see your point.
Ian: (Sarcastically.) And I bet they made Felix Leiter British, then?
Ivar: Why, yes, how did you guess?
Ian: Call it a wild stab in the dark.
Ivar: And of course they call him Clarence Leiter-
Ian: Cla-
Ivar: Ian, stop right now, think of your blood pressure. Take a few deep breaths…. Ok? Take a sip of your Vesper martini, I know you’ve got one to hand.
Ian: Oh, tell me they have him order a Vesper? Please tell me that’s there!
Ivar: Well, no. Mainly, I suppose, because she’s not called “Vesper”.
Ian: I’m beginning to see the way this is heading. I wonder why they bought the rights to my book at all when they’re changing so much it would have been easier to do an original story in the first place. All right, hit me- what’s she called?
Ivar: Valerie.
Ian: That’s not too bad, at least it begins with the same letter. Ok, I can take whatever else they’ve done, I suppose. Tell me about Mathis, is he any good?
Ivar: Oh, she’s Mathis.
Ian: What?????
Ivar: She’s Mathis- Valerie Mathis.
(Those strange sounds are heard down the line again.)
Ivar: Ian, are you all right?
Ian: Every time I think… oh, never mind.
Ivar: They had to change the torture scene, of course.
Ian: Well, that I can understand. I don’t see them being able to show the TV audience Bond having his balls smashed with a carpet beater. What do they do, then?
Ivar: They pull his toenails out with pliers.
Ian: I can live with that. Anything else?
Ivar: I’m sure there’s more, but I think I’ve told you enough for the moment.
Ian: (Sighs.) Well, there’s one consolation- I know this is the worst possible adaptation of my book “Casino Royale” there could ever be.
2002. (Royal Premiere of… well, let’s just wait and see.)
(The Royal limousine.)
The Duke: I thought this wasn’t due till November.
The Queen: Well, one can never be sure. I have the feeling we should get used to this sort of thing, possibly for many years to come.
The Duke: More bloody James Bond- what’s this one called, anyway?
The Queen: “Gold-” um, something, one believes.
The Duke: Gold what? It’s not that one with your pin-up Roger Moore about a mine in South Africa, is it?
The Queen: No, not that one. It might be “Golden” something.
The Duke: Shower!
The Queen: PHILIP!!
The Duke: Sorry, that was a Gentleman's special interest film that an American businessman loaned me.
The Queen: Trump?
The Duke: It wasn't me! Must be the driver.
The Queen: It must be Finger again.
The Duke: Is that his name?
The Queen: No, the film must be "Goldfinger”.
The Duke: Haven’t we seen that one?
The Queen: Philip, you know there is such a thing as a remake.
The Duke: Hmph, as if we haven’t sat through enough the first time.
(Outside the theatre, Mike Myers talks with the director of the film, Jay Roach.)
Mike: Are you sure they’re coming, Jay?
Jay: Well, the palace said they would. To tell the truth, I was a little surprised.
Mike: Maybe they thought it was a James Bond film?
Jay: (Begins to laugh then suddenly stops.) Oh Lord, you don’t suppose that’s what’s happened?
Mike: Look, here they come now. Best just behave as if nothing’s wrong.
(The limousine draws up outside the theatre, and the Royal couple emerge.)
The Queen: Good evening.
Jay. Good evening, Your Majesty. Thank you for coming to our premiere.
The Queen: Of course. One always tries to attend these premieres.
Jay: ...er… of course. May I present our leading man, Mr Mike Myers?
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Myers.
Mike: A pleasure, ma’am.
The Duke: You’ve changed since we last met, Brosnan.
Mike: Brosnan, sir?
The Duke: Yes, aren’t you James Bond?
Mike: Ah… in a manner of speaking... An imitation, Your Highness.
The Duke: Well obviously, there's only one Connery.
Mike: Powers, sir.
The Duke: No. I can't be seen drinking an Irish whiskey at a line up, ( Aside.) Thanks anyway, perhaps later.
Mike: Sorry it's, er, Austin.
The Duke: Oh good the Aston’s back then, with a few toys, eh?
Jay: Our beautiful leading lady, Miss Beyonce Knowles.
The Queen: Why, I believe we have met, Miss Knowles. Don’t you sing a bit?
Beyonce: You might say that, ma’am.
The Duke: Oh hello, there. My, aren’t you just the most-
The Queen: Quiet, Philip. And will you be singing in this film, Miss Knowles?
Beyonce: I sing, yes, I perform the title song.
Jay: I believe you already know Sir Michael Caine?
The Duke: Ah, at last a face I recognize. Glad to see you, Caine.
Michael: A pleasure as always, Your Highness.
The Duke: Loved that film of yours where you steal all the Italians’ gold while driving a Mini.
Michael: Thank you, sir.
The Duke: And who do you play in this one?
Michael: I'm the Daddy!
The Duke: True, you are indeed, but what's your role in this one?
Michael: I'm his father. (Pointing at Mike Myers, who is quickly getting his Dr Evil make-up on.)
The Duke: At last Andrew Bond gets his place on screen. So Sir Sean was Indiana Jones's father and you're the father of James Bond then?
Michael: What? My character's Nigel Powers- Powers!
The Duke: Why is everyone offering me whiskey? Oh all right then, but just a small double. (Whispers.) Though you'd better get a gin for Her Maj, keep her happy.
(Mike has changed into his Dr Evil character.)
Jay: And this is the villain of our piece, he’s called-
The Duke: No need for introductions, I'd recognise that bald head and Nehru suit anywhere- it’s Blofeld!
Mike: I'm Evil.
The Duke: Too right you are, stealing spacecraft and firing lasers from space!
Mike: I'm Dr… Dr Evil.
The Duke: Sorry, old boy, but it's Dr No. I should know, I've been to all these big openings. Which reminds me, there’s another video I have to get back from that Trump fellow.
Mike: It's me sir, I play two parts.
The Queen: Oh, how interesting, just like in the diamonds film. Does James kill one of you like in that one?
Mike: No ma'am, a bit different. We turn out to be long lost brothers.
The Queen: That sounds a bit silly, doesn't it Philip?
The Duke: Stupid idea.
The Queen: Yes, I would hate to see James Bond and his biggest enemy turn out to be brothers- whoever thought of it should be executed. And I believe I can arrange that.
The Duke: Absolutely, 007 shouldn't have to put up with a silly notion like that.
Waiter: Your drinks, sir.
The Duke: Thank you- keep them coming, I think we're going to need a few to get through this James Bond film.
Mike: It isn’t actually a James Bond film, Your Highness. It’s called “Austin Powers in Goldmember”.
The Queen: Goldmember! I was close.
The Duke: (Disappointed.) Not “Golden Showers” at all.
Jay: Why, no, sir.
The Duke: Well, Liz, what do you say we just go home?
The Queen: One believes you are correct. Someone call for the driver!
1965. Eon HQ, in a gypsy camp near Istanbul.
Secretary: I’ve got Richard Zanuck on the line for you, Mr Broccoli.
Cubby: Put him through, please.
Zanuck: (On phone.) Hello, Cubby?
Cubby: Dickie, how are you?
Zanuck: Oh fine, fine. Listen-I want Raquel Welch.
Cubby: You’re not a bad judge, but get to the back of the queue, Dickie. We all want Raquel, but her husband’s always there with her.
Zanuck: No, no, I want her for a Fantastic Voyage.
Cubby: You want to take her around the world on your yacht? That WOULD be a fantastic voyage, Dickie!
Zanuck: No, no, it’s the title of my new movie, it starts shooting soon and I want Raquel as the glamour interest.
Cubby: Well she’s signed up to be the new Bond girl in Thunderball, we’re on location in Bermuda and she wears this skimpy black and white bikini. Where’s your movie being shot?
Zanuck: It’s studio bound and she wears an all-in-one.
Cubby: Sounds like no contest to me, Dickie.
Zanuck: If you release her, I’ll give you a delicatessen- in stainless steel!
Cubby: Hey, you’ve got yourself a deal.
MGW: So, our villain is seeking revenge on M and James has to stop him.
Purvis: What if…?
BB: Yes?
Wade: Yeah, Neal and I were talking and we think….
Sam Mendes: Come on, Robert, out with it!
Purvis: What if…
Purvis/Wade: (Together.) What if he succeeds?
BB: What?
MGW: Say again?
Wade: What if the villain succeeds? He kills M!
Mendes: (Intrigued.) Can you tell us a bit more?
MGW: Kills M?
BB: Are you kidding us?
Purvis: No, no, hear us out. James spends the first part of the movie trying to figure out what the villain is up to, and then he realizes that the plan is to kill M-
Wade: - so he tries desperately to stop him, but… he doesn’t.
Sam: So, M dies?
Purvis: Yup!
Wade: It’s never been done!
MGW: And for good reason. M is an essential character in our series, and we have Judi Dench playing her, and everybody loves Dame Judi!
BB: She has box-office pull, she’s got Oscars and a title, she brings us class.
Wade: True, but she can’t go on forever and it’d be good to give her a really strong send off.
Purvis: Rather than just have her replaced between movies.
Mendes: You know, I like this.
(BB and MGW consult in whispers.)
BB: Guys, we agree, but only if...
Purvis: Yes?
BB: Only if....
Wade: Tell us!
MGW: ...you bring her back in the next one.
Purvis: What?
Wade: Say again?
BB: You bring her back in the next one.
Sam: I like this even more!
Purvis/Wade: (Together.) But how?
MGW: You guys are the writers- you figure it out!
Me (to the machine gunner) "Why have you put your magazine in back to front? And how did you get it to fire?"
I turn to the man on the loud hailer "Why, when you put your loud hailer down, does your voice sound exactly the same?"
Yes, I've been watching Dr No again tonight! And no, I do not believe in dragons!
You haven't seen Game of Thrones and the Hobbit movies? Proof is there for anyone willling to see the evidence!
I DO NOW BELIEVE IN DRAGONS!
Ha, so true Joshua!
Brilliant!
August 1972. (Moore household.)
Luisa: Come, eat with me in the dining room room, Roger.
Roger: No, I’m sorry, darling, I have to stay near this phone.
Luisa: Don’t be silly, you can hear it just fine in the dining room.
Roger: You don’t understand, my love, this is a very important call and I can’t take a chance on missing it.
Luisa: Well, if you miss it they’ll just phone back later.
Roger: No, I- (Phone rings.) Hello? Hello?…. Oh it’s you, Lew… No, I don’t want to do another series… No, really. Catch you later.
Luisa: Is that the call you were waiting for?
Roger: Afraid not, it was just Lew Grade asking if I wanted to do another series of “The Persuaders!”
Luisa: Look, go to the table right now. I’ll answer the phone if it rings.
Roger: (Reluctantly.) If you insist.
(He heads for the dining room. The phone rings and Luisa answers as Roger instantly turns back.)
Luisa: Hello? (Roger is hovering over her.) Oh, hello mother…. Yes, we’re all fine… (Roger points to his watch agitatedly.) ...Look, I’ll call you back later. Love you! (Hangs up.) Really, Roger, this is silly.
Roger: But, darling, this may be the most important phone call I’ve ever-
(Phone rings. He snatches it from Luisa’s hand.)
Roger: Hello? Hello? … What? I’ve got the part!! Wonderful! It’s called “Gold….”…. oh…. (He looks crestfallen.)
Luisa: Roger darling! What’s going on? You should be ecstatic, you’ve got the Bond role! Tell me, why are you looking so unhappy?
Roger: It’s Peter Hunt...
Lusia: Yes, yes, the Bond director!
Roger: I’ve got the part in “Gold”…
Luisa: Yes, yes, The Man with the Golden Gun!
Roger: No… just ‘Gold’… with Susannah York… by Wilbur Smith… it’s not Bond.
Luisa (Now also looking crestfallen.) Oh Roger, I’m so sorry.
(Phone rings again, Roger answers.)
Roger: Ok, who now? Lew, Tony, Mamma? An outraged chef, or a humili… oh. (Takes deep breath, tries to sound calm.) Hi Cubby. What’s up?
More excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Monday: Today I have to do a big scene with everybody- Peers Bronson, Queen Judi, and Sophie Marceau. Sophie is behaving like she is the leading lady of this film! She gets most of the lines! I try to stand where I’ll be seen but Mr Apted keeps moving me. Every time she talks to Pierse or Queen Judi I move forward but he keeps making me stand in the back.
I asked Queen Judi why Sophie is behaving like she is the leading lady and the villain of the film all rolled up into one, but she only asked me how I was getting on with my script reading. x
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Monday: The scene with Bond and M and Elektra in the control room. There’s a lot of exposition here, so obviously I kept Denise well in the background. For some reason she keeps standing in front of Judi or Sophie and I have to keep telling her to move back. Eventually I had to let her say something so I gave her two lines and crossed my fingers.
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Tuesday: Pierz and I have to pretend we are in a tunnel. There are lots of pretty sparkly lights and I have to say stuff like “tactical fission device” and “half the plutonium’s missing”. Peirs and Mr Apted were so wonderful, helping me get it right. x
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Tuesday: Oh dear God, I thought this day would never end. Denise kept saying things like “fissing tacking device” and “half the platinum’s missing”. Pierce’s teeth must have been ground to powder by the time we reached take 47.
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Wednesday: Nice scene today! James Bond and me have to pretend that we have been blown up! I enjoy working with Piers. I told him I didn’t see how he found the time, what with his morning show on the TV. I just love his beautiful smile. x
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Wednesday: Pierce is doing that fixed grin again, I wish I knew what she says to him.
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Thursday: Mr Broccoli and Miss Wilson came down to the set today. I said hello, but they kept talking with Mr Apted. They did look over at me once or twice though. x
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Thursday: Barbara and Michael are adamant, we have to use Denise no matter how much I begged. Pierce came over and joined in the begging, but they won’t budge. Apparently the US distributors insist on one American name in the main cast.
Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.
Friday: My last scene today. Quite an easy one, I just had to kiss Pears. He said something about eating turkey for Christmas and I was to smile as if I understood. It didn’t take too many retakes to get it right. x
Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.
Friday: May the Lord be thanked.
Brillyunt! X
1997. (Royal Premiere of “Tomorrow Never Dies”.)
(Inside the Royal limousine.)
The Duke: Well, here we go again- another James Bond film. What do you know about this one, Elizabeth?
The Queen: Some character is called Paris in the movie tonight, apparently...
The Duke: Really? All went well in Paris recently, I thought...
The Queen: Sshhh... Apparently, she’s played by that actress you liked so much in the Superman TV series.
The Duke: I’d certainly like to be in Paris tonight then!
The Queen: Philip!
(Outside the theatre.)
MGW: Right, here they come now. Positions everyone.
(The Queen and the Duke emerge.)
The Queen: Ah, good evening. You’ll be Mr Broccoli Jr then?
MGW: (Not daring to correct her.) Ah…close enough. Good evening, Your Majesty, may I present my sister, Miss Barbara Broccoli?
The Queen: How nice to see you again, Miss Broccoli.
BB: And you, ma’am.
MGW: May I present our James Bond, Mr Pierce Brosnan.
The Queen: How nice to see you again, Mr Brosnan.
Pierce: I’m honoured, ma’am.
The Duke: The last fella only managed two movies, think you’ll do better than that, Brosnan?
Pierce: I do hope so, Your Highness.
The Queen: Didn't you recently do some sort of disaster movie?
Pierce: "Taffin" was a long time ago, ma'am.
The Duke: No, something about “Inferno” or “Flaming”, “Dante” .... something?
Pierce: Peak, sir.
The Duke: Oh, I'm sure you haven't reached your peak yet.
Pierce: Yes, I'll know that if they ever have me windsurf a tsunami or give me an invisible car.
The Duke: Elizabeth, why not call your maids of honour over to meet Mr Brosnan?
The Queen: Attend, ladies..... Posh, Scary, Ginger.......
BB: Our lovely leading lady, Miss Michelle Yeoh.
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Yeoh.
Michelle: Good evening, ma’am.
The Duke: Are you Filipino? Your country must be half-empty, you’re all here running the NHS.
Michelle: No, sir, I’m...
The Duke: (Interrupting.) Chinese? Damn country, wouldn’t surprise me if they were busy inventing some virus to unleash on the world!
Michelle: No, sir, I’m from Malaysia. In fact I won the Miss Malaysian beauty pageant.
The Duke: That must have been a long time ago!
The Queen: Philip!
The Duke: Where’s that Paris girl, wouldn’t mind taking her-
The Queen: Philip, please!!!!!
MGW: Our villain, Mr Jonathan Pryce.
The Queen: What films do I know your face from, Mr Pryce?
Jonathan: Perhaps “Evita”, ma’am?
The Queen: No, I haven’t seen that.
Jonathan: I was in “Brazil”.
The Duke: Oh, we were there a few years ago as well.
The Queen: Yes, and very nice it was too.
Jonathan: Er, no, the film ma’am. Perhaps you know “Jumpin’ Jack Flash”?
The Queen: Of course- I love the Rolling Stones!
Jonathan: I also have a great car chase movie coming out soon, "Ronin”.
The Duke: Sounds interesting.
Jonathan: Yes, we have a few fantastic car chases. One is through a few traffic tunnels in Paris which........
The Duke: (Hurriedly.) Oh, we are neglecting our other guests .........
BB: May I present Miss Teri Hatcher.
The Queen: Ah, you played Lois Lane on TV, I believe?
Teri: That’s so, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Moving from Superman to James Bond, would you call it a demotion or a promotion?
Teri: Well, I certainly didn’t think I was going down.
The Duke: Aahhhh…
The Queen: Quiet, Philip. And do you enjoy the acting world?
Teri: Well I wouldn’t like to be a housewife- unless I was desperate.
BB: Of course you know Dame Judi Dench, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Ah, how nice to see you again, Dame Judi.
Judi: Always a pleasure, ma’am.
The Queen: We were just watching you on TV the other night, in that show of yours…?
Judi: “As Time Goes By”, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Yes, the one where you’re married to that appalling dunderhead, what was his name again…?
Judi: Geoffrey Palmer- hey, Geoffrey, are you hearing this?
(Geoffrey Palmer, who was standing in line, walks over.)
Geoffrey: Yes, Judi, I heard that.
The Duke: Ah, yes, er….
Judi: He’s in this film as well- and don’t worry, Your Highness, he plays an appalling dunderhead here, too.
MGW: Next, ma’am, is Mr Colin Salmond.
The Queen: How nice. And which part do you play, Mr Salmond?
Colin: Charles Robinson, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Charles Robinson?
The Duke: Colin Salmond?
(The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, shrug, and move on. Colin sighs.)
BB: Our new composer, Mr David Arnold.
The Queen: Pleased to meet you, Mr Arnold.
David: A privilege, ma’am.
The Queen: Was it difficult taking over from the last composer?
David: Two crows trapped in a tin can wouldn’t have found it difficult to take over from the last composer, Your Majesty. May I present our singer, kd lang?
The Queen: Good evening, Miss lang.
kd: Good eve-
Sheryl Crowe: Hey wait a moment, I sing the title song!
kd: Sing? That’s not the word I would use!
Sheryl: Bitch! (Slaps kd.)
kd: Devil! (Kicks Sheryl.)
MGW: (Horrifiedly watching the screeching ball of nails and stilettos.) David, get them separated!
David: No way, I’m not getting in the middle of that!
BB: Perhaps we should go in now, Your Majesty?
The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.