Tiger: Greetings, Kissy-chan.
Kissy: Greetings, Tiger-san. How may I be of assistance to you?
Tiger: You are aware of the very critical international situation at present, with the disappearance of certain spacecraft?
Kissy: A most regrettable occurrence, Tiger-san.
Tiger: Even more regrettable is that Japan has become involved in these events.
Kissy: But how so?
Tiger: It would seem that, unlikely as it may sound, a space rocket which is taking off from our country is behind this affair.
Kissy: How can this be? We have no space programme!
Tiger: The British have sent an agent to find out. Time is very short.
Kissy: The British? But I have heard that the British space programme says "Light blue touchpaper and stand well back."
Tiger: This man wishes to investigate a volcano near where you live. I would ask you to pretend to be married to him so he can work undercover from your village.
Kissy: I see…
Tiger: He will use the name Taro Todoroki. You can take him out in your fishing boat once you have sailed to the island together after making sure the other villagers see nothing unusual so he can get close to the volcano without suspicion.
Kissy: So, you want he and I to undertake a traditional Japanese wedding which takes about 72 hours, then travel slowly by boat to my village, get the others used to him, then go out in my boat and casually move around the volcano?
Tiger: That is correct.
Kissy: Good thing time is short, we would not want anyone to think we were hanging about.
Tiger: Indeed.
Kissy: And will this man fit in and be unnoticeable among the villagers?
Tiger: But of course- many Japanese are 190cm tall and shpeak like thish.
Kissy: Shpeak like thish?
Tiger: Perhaps it is best if you do not tell him your name….
Glad you enjoyed it, Higgins. There's a sort of sequel to that coming soon, but first C&D and I are working on a little something which should be ready later tonight or early tomorrow.
Kissy: And will this man fit in and be unnoticeable among the villagers?
Tiger: But of course- many Japanese are 190cm tall and shpeak like thish.
Kissy: Shpeak like thish?
Tiger: Perhaps it is best if you do not tell him your name….
1958. (The offices of Warwick Films, owned by one Irving Allen and a certain Albert R. Broccoli.)
Cubby: So, our last film “No Time To Die” (sic) seems to be doing well, Irving.
Irving: Yes, it’s a good title- we mustn’t forget to use it again one day, many years from now.
Cubby: Yes, I’ll make a note of that. Anyway, Irving-
Irving: And good work from Terence Young and Richard Maibaum.
Cubby: Yes…. Listen, Irving-
Irving: We must give them regular work, those guys have some great ideas.
Cubby: You know, I was thinking much the same thing. Now, Irving, tell me, have you ever heard of an author called Ian Fleming?
Irving: Oh yes, he writes thrillers about… oh, what was the guy’s name…?
Cubby: Bond. (Lights cigarette.) James Bond.
Irving: That’s right! What are you saying?
Cubby: He’s keen to get his books made into films, I think we could get a good deal if we move fast.
Irving: Move fast? How so?
Cubby: From what I hear, he’s trying to make a deal with Kevin McClory.
Irving: McClory? Ha! That won’t cause any trouble.
Cubby: Er… So, you agree then, Irving? We should definitely try and make a deal with Fleming and start making James Bond films?
Irving: Well, I don’t know...
Cubby: Its gonna be huge!
Irving: Nah, I don’t think so, Cubby. Spy thrillers? They’re yesterday’s news! Hitchcock was making them twenty years ago.
Cubby: But Irving-
Irving: No, Cubby, count me out.
Cubby: Grrr….
(The Broccoli household. Cubby comes home to wife Dana and teenage stepson Michael. Barbara hasn’t been born yet.)
Dana: Hello darling, how was work today?
Cubby: Hmmm, not great.
Dana: What happened? I thought your last film was making money.
Cubby: Yes, “No Time To Die” is being successful.
Michael: Good title! (Scribbles in his notebook.)
Cubby: I’m getting pissed off with Irving. Everything has to be his idea- today I came up with a great one and he won’t let us pursue it.
Dana: The one about buying the James Bond books?
Cubby: (Glumly.) Yeah.
Dana: Then maybe it’s about time you thought about splitting away from Warwick Films.
Cubby: You mean breaking up with Irving.
Dana: That’s exactly what I mean.
Cubby: It’ll take a while- there are a couple more films in the pipeline.
Dana: All right, but don’t take an eon about it.
Cubby: Hmmm… (Scribbles in his notebook.)
1960. (The Broccoli household. Nope, Barbara still to be born.)
Dana: So, how did Irving take it then?
Cubby: Well, he yelled abuse for about an hour, threatened to hire a hit man, tried to punch me a few times, and threw the furniture around the room.
Dana: Hmm, better than I was expecting.
Cubby: It looks like I now have to see a man called Harry Saltzman and come to some sort of deal with him- he has the rights at the moment but they expire soon.
Michael: You better get onto him soon, then.
Cubby: Yeah, don’t want to have to try another day.
Michael: Hmm… (Writes something in his notebook.)
1965. (The Broccoli household. Little Barbara sits on her mother's knee. Michael helps Cubby with some paperwork. A phone rings.)
Cubby: Hello?
Irving: Hey Cubby, long time no speak, how are you?
Cubby: Hey Irving, good to hear from you, how are you?
Irving: All the better for speaking with you, Cubby. I just wanted to, umm, catch up about those thrillers we were chatting about.
Cubby: ‘Those thrillers’?
Irving: Yes, I was thinking we might….
Cubby: (Jumping in.) ‘Those thrillers’? Irving, do you remember what happened the last time you met Ian Fleming to talk about ‘those thrillers’?
Irving: Ye-ss, I…
Cubby: (Jumping in again.) Irving, I arranged for you to meet him in London, and you told him that his novels “weren’t even good enough for television”!
Irving: I…
Cubby: And you told me they were yesterday’s news. And now look, Bond is bigger than ever!
Irving: (Finally getting a word in.) Say Cubby, have you heard of an author named Donald Hamilton?
Cubby: Oh yes, he writes thrillers about… oh, what was the guy’s name…?
Irving: Helm. (Takes a long sip of Scotch.) Matt Helm.
Cubby: Not a chance, Irving.
Irving: Cubby, they’re gonna be huge! I can see them really taking off. And I have the perfect star: dark, dangerous and deadly…
Cubby: Who?
Irving: Dean Martin.
Cubby: What, Dean Martin? Little Ole Wine Drinker Dean? The guy who saw an advert which said “Drink Canada Dry”, and accepted the challenge? Listen, Irving, the only thing that’s dark, deadly and dangerous about Dino is his wine cellar.
Irving: Ok Cubby, ok, I get the picture. I was just asking ahead of signing-up Dino to be my partner in the enterprise. Maybe you should think of doing the same with Sean?
Cubby: I’ll mention it to Harry…. ‘bye Irving. (Hangs up.)
Dana: How did that go?
Cubby: It was Irving…. I felt like telling him, after the last time, never again!
Dana: Never say never again, Cubby.
Michael: Hmm… (Scribbles something in his notebook... then hastily crosses it out.)
Model: Hello, my agency sent me here, something about modelling for the titles of the new James Bond film?
Secretary: Oh yes, just go right in through that door. You’re looking for a Mr Binder.
Model: Ok, thanks. (She goes through the door into a studio full of models and assorted lights and cameras.)
Model: Hello? Mr Binder?
Binder: Ah hello, you’ll be the new model then?
Model: That’s right.
Binder: Let’s have a look at you… yes, very nice. You’ll do just fine.
Model: Thank you.
Binder: The other girls are over there, go and say hello.
Model: Sure. (She goes to where a few other girls are drinking coffee.)
Model: Hi, I’ve been sent to join you.
2nd Model: Ah, welcome. Maurice has been looking for some different side views.
Model: Side views? Oh, you mean profiles.
2nd Model: Could be- sometimes you get to see our faces. (The other models giggle.)
Model: What? I don’t understand.
3rd Model: Well, darling, have you never seen a James Bond film? Especially the titles?
Model: No, I…
2nd Model: You’ll soon get the hang of it.
3rd Model: Oh very good, “hang” of it!
Binder: Right let’s get started- where’s the new girl?
Model: Right here, Mr Binder.
Binder: Call me Maurice, my love.
Model: Ok, Maurice.
Binder: Right then, take your clothes off and we’ll start.
Model: (Alarmed.) Take my clothes off???
Binder: Oh, don’t worry, darling, it’s all in silhouette.
Model: Well… I suppose... (The model reluctantly takes her clothes off.)
Binder: Right, now stand here… no, there… just wait a moment. (He produces a water pistol and sprays her chest.)
Model: Ow! That’s cold!
Binder: Yes, that’s the idea. Now stand facing this way… now that way… (Shoots a few frames.)
Binder: Lovely. Now, let’s get another model. (2nd Model joins them.)
Model: I’m not sure I…
2nd Model: Relax, it’s only in silhouette for a few seconds.
Model: Well, I suppose so…
Binder: Now face each other… just hold that pose...
2nd Model: I see he’s done the cold water bit. You wait till he gets to the Vaseline.
Model: (Incredulously.) Vaseline??? (The current James Bond enters.)
Current Bond: Am I on time, Maurice?
Binder: Perfectly. Now, take this Walther PPK and cross it over your chest… stand in between these two…
Current Bond: Oh, the things I do for England.
1971. The Moon. The crew of an Apollo mission are going about their business on the Moon’s surface.
1st Astronaut: Houston, all going a-ok here, setting up for our next experiment.
Houston: (Crackly.) Roger that, Apollo, you’re doing fine for time.
2nd Astronaut: Hey, what the hell is that? (A man in a grey suit, with something on his head which from a distance could be mistaken for hair, has come bursting in in front of the astronauts. He wears no breathing apparatus of any kind.)
1st Astronaut: Hey, you-
Houston: (Crackly.) Apollo, what’s going on? I repeat, what’s going on? (The first man is quickly followed by a bunch of others who appear to be dressed as security guards. They are bristling with weapons and also wearing no breathing apparatus of any kind, like the grey-suited man who is now heading for the nearby moon buggy.)
2nd Astronaut: Get him off that machine! That isn't a toy!
1st Astronaut: Get off that moon buggy! (Easily avoiding the slow-moving astronauts, the man enters the moon buggy and after a couple of seconds, figures out how to go forward. He heads off into the distance, followed by the security guards. Presumably they are yelling such things as “Stop!” and “Come back!” etc, but of course they cannot be heard. They all disappear out of sight of the stunned astronauts.)
Houston: (Crackly.) What’s happening? Apollo, talk to us!
1st Astronaut: Houston, you’d never believe us.
2nd Astronaut: Hey, in the landing module- Victor, did you see what we just saw? (In the landing module the 3rd Astronaut, Victor, is staring straight ahead disbelieving his eyes at what he has just seen. He looks down at his wine bottle, shakes his head, and thrusts the bottle firmly away.)
The Royal limousine.
The Queen: One is quite looking forward to this.
The Duke: As long as he doesn’t try to get you up in a helicopter again.
The Queen: Oh, but that was fun, Philip.
The Duke: Bloody undignified I call it.
The Queen: Nonsense.
The Duke: That part when you jumped out on a parachute and everyone could see right up your-
The Queen: Enough of that, Philip.
The Duke: Oh, I am looking forward to seeing that glamourous young filly Judi Dench again.
The Queen: (Rolls eyes.) One bets you are.
(The limousine arrives at the theatre and the Royal couple alight.)
The Queen: Good evening.
MGW: Good evening, Your Majesty, Your Highness. My sister, Miss Barbara Broccoli.
The Queen: How nice to see you again.
The Duke: It seems to be longer each time we meet now. God knows if I will be around for the next one
MGW: Oh, it’s no time to die, sir! I’m sure you will be here for a long time, I don’t see a spectre on your shoulder.
The Queen: As long as he doesn’t do any driving...
MGW: May I present our James Bond, Mr Daniel Craig?
The Queen: Of course, hello again Mr Craig.
Daniel: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Duke: I hope you don’t have a helicopter waiting outside, Craig, like the last time.
Daniel: No, not this time Your Highness.
The Duke: She still goes on about that, you know.
Daniel: Really, sir?
The Queen: Oh yes, that was a most interesting experience. A pleasant FRIGHT, one might say.
BB: Our villain, Mr Javier Bardem.
The Duke: Hmm, I know your face. Have I seen you before?
Javier: “No Country For Old Men”?
The Duke: Damn cheek! What are you, a bloody German?
Javier: No, no, sir, it’s a film I was in- and I’m Spanish.
The Duke: Same bloody difference.
Queen: Philip! (MGW hurriedly moves them on.)
BB: Of course you know Dame Judi Dench, Your Majesty.
The Queen: A pleasure to see you again, Dame Judi.
Judi: Likewise, ma’am.
The Queen: The Duke and I were just saying it is a treat to see you in the James Bond films.
The Duke: Oh yes, I-
The Queen: Quiet, Philip.
Judi: Thank you, Your Majesty
The Queen: We hope you will carry on in them for a long long time.
Judi: Ah, yes, well…
The Queen: We certainly look forward to seeing you in these stories.
Judi: Well, the thing is, er…
The Queen: One trusts you will always be playing in them.
Judi: Um, it’s, well…
The Duke: It’s good to know that whoever they get to play Bond, you will be there in charge.
Judi: Yes… ah...
MGW: Next, ma’am, is Mr Rory Kinnear.
The Queen: How nice. And which part do you play, Mr Kinnear?
Rory: Bill Tanner, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Bill Tanner?
The Duke: Rory Kinnear? (The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, shrug, and move on. Rory sighs.)
BB: Singing our title song is Adele.
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Adele.
Adele: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Duke: So, now we can’t avoid you in the cinema, as well as constantly hearing you on the radio, or seeing you every time we turn on the television, or-
The Queen: That’s enough, Philip.
MGW: Perhaps we should go in now, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.
With thanks to Barbel for, as usual, all the best lines:
1963. Eon HQ, under a lake in Cuba.
Harry: Say Cubby, “Dr No” went down swell. Now we need to make the next one. Shall we try “Thunderball” again?
Cubby: Well I won’t say ‘never again’ but maybe we should do that other book first, the one that JFK likes.
Harry: “Marilyn, Mon Amour”?
Cubby: No, Harry, “From Russia With Love”. JFK loved it. And I know Sean is keen.
Harry: Who will we get to write it?
Cubby: I know a fella, Len Deighton.
Harry: What’s he done?
Cubby: Well, uh, a cookbook.
Harry: A what? Let’s see what he serves up then. Just as long as he doesn’t use my name, “Harry”, for a character. (Pauses.) If it’s no good, we can get Harwood or Maibaum again.
Cubby: OK Harry, now onto casting. We need a really devious but innocent-looking villainess. How about Lotte Lenya?
Harry: Yes, she looks so innocent, and her teeth are pearly white. Maybe she could have a jack-knife, which she keeps, uh, outta sight? (Pauses.) Say Cubby, what did you think of the book?
Cubby: I loved it, Harry. You?
Harry: Nah, think there are some things we could change.
Cubby: Change? Like what?
Harry: Well half the novel’s gone before Bond comes into it. No way will audiences go for that.
Cubby: You’re right, we’ll bring Bond in earlier. Anything else?
Harry: After the Orient Express scenes, the ending is kind of lame.
Cubby: Ok, you’re right again. We’ll have to think of something else to end the movie. Maybe a speedboat chase?
Harry: And something with helicopters? They always look good. A speedboat chase and a helicopter chase.
Cubby: Again, I give you that.
Harry: And the gypsy girls, aren’t they practically naked by the end of the fight scene?
Cubby: We’ll never get that past the censors.
Harry: And we’ll also have to be careful with Rosa Klebb, coming onto Tatiana.
Cubby: Harry, what can I say, you’re right again.
Harry: And Blofeld should be a monkey, sitting on Klebb’s shoulder.
Cubby: What????
Cubby: No, I’m sorry, guys, you’ve lost me- start again.
Richard Maibaum: Ok, we open with 009- he’s got the fake Fabergé egg.
MGW: He dies, giving the egg to the British ambassador in Germany.
Richard: Who sends it to M.
MGW: Who gives it to Bond.
Richard: Bond now has the fake egg.
MGW: At an auction, Bond swaps the fake egg for the real one-
Richard: -so, Bond now has the real egg-
MGW: -and he goes to India with the real egg-
Richard: -which he shows to the villain, Kamal Khan, during a game of backgammon-
MGW: (Getting faster.) -which of course Bond wins. He goes to bed with a woman employed by Kamal-
Richard: (And faster.) -and she of course steals the egg and takes it to Kamal-
MGW: -who now has both the fake egg and the real egg, which he shows to General Orlov-
Richard: -who smashes it, you can tell it’s the real egg from the way Kamal reacts-
MGW: -and from now on we can forget about the eggs!
Cubby: ….can you run that past me one more time, guys?
Cubby: No, I’m sorry, guys, you’ve lost me- start again.
Richard Maibaum: Ok, we open with 009- he’s got the fake Fabergé egg.
MGW: He dies, giving the egg to the British ambassador in Germany.
Richard: Who sends it to M.
MGW: Who gives it to Bond.
Richard: Bond now has the fake egg.
MGW: At an auction, Bond swaps the fake egg for the real one-
Richard: -so, Bond now has the real egg-
MGW: -and he goes to India with the real egg-
Richard: -which he shows to the villain, Kamal Khan, during a game of backgammon-
MGW: (Getting faster.) -which of course Bond wins. He goes to bed with a woman employed by Kamal-
Richard: (And faster.) - and she of course steals the egg and takes it to Kamal-
MGW: -who now has both the fake egg and the real egg, which he shows to General Orlov-
Richard: -who smashes it, you can tell it’s the real egg from the way Kamal reacts-
MGW: -and from now on we can forget about the eggs!
Cubby: ….can you run that past me one more time, guys?
I agree with Cubby! Why did MGW stop writing? He had some great ideas.
Why did MGW stop writing? He had some great ideas.
The years between LTK (his last screenwriting credit) and GE were fraught with legal problems for Eon. With MGW being a trained lawyer he was deeply involved, and Cubby's fading health necessitated that Michael take more of the load anyway. There probably wasn't much time for him to do much writing.
Shirley: He loves goooooooold!
John: That’s fantastic, Shirley, but I’d like just one more take and this time can you hold that last note just a fraction longer, ok?
Shirley: Longer? John, I’m turning blue as it is! Any longer and I’ll need an oxygen tank!
John: I know, Shirley, you’re doing great but just a fraction longer this time, please?
Shirley: Well, ok…
John: Thanks, darling. Now- orchestra, take 3: 1,2,3,4… (About two minutes and forty seconds later:)
Shirley: He loves goooooooooold!
John: Even better, Shirley, but could you do it again and this time hold that note just a little bit longer?
Shirley: Are you kidding me? I’ll need to lie down for three days just to recover after this!
John: Yes, darling, but please? Just for me?
Shirley: Hold on- I’ll need to take deeper breaths. (She goes behind a baffle (a screen). After a few seconds, her bra is thrown carelessly over the top. Two violinists’ eyes nearly fall out of their heads and a third narrowly avoids a heart attack. A dark-haired man looks at his bottle of wine, shakes his head, and pushes the bottle firmly away. The sax players and bassists, of course, don’t bat an eye- the sax men have spent a lot of time working in, er, nightclubs and everyone knows that bass players are the coolest guys in any band. She steps out again.)
Shirley: All right, John, go for it!
John: Right! Orchestra, take 4- 1, 2, 3,4… (About two minutes and forty seconds later:)
Shirley: He loves goooooooooooold!!!!
John: Wonderful, Shirley, thank you so much! Now, could you please, just for me, give us just one more take, just for-
Shirley: One more take?! I never need five takes!!
John: Yes, well, but Shirley, if you could just hold that last note a tiny bit longer-
Shirley: Longer???? I’m already holding it for four bars!!
John: Ah, but on “From Russia With Love” Matt Monro held his last note for six bars.
Shirley: Huh? Six bars? ….(Determinedly.) John, start the orchestra again- we’ll go for another take!
Cubby: So, Roald, you’ve got some ideas to run past us?
Roald Dahl: That’s right, I’ve been working hard on this.
Harry: Let’s hear what you’ve got, then.
Roald: Well, I took a few ideas from Fleming’s novel and added them into what you guys found flying around Japan.
Lewis Gilbert: Yes, we liked the volcanoes we found and wanted to work them into the plot.
Roald: However, I’d like to start with the characters that we’re going to have. Bond, M, Moneypenny, and Q are all given- we have to use them.
Harry: Yes, definitely.
Roald: Now, from the book I want to use Tiger Tanaka, I think he’s a good character that we can fit in to the story no problem.
Cubby: Fair enough.
Lewis: What about Henderson?
Roald: I’ve kept him in, but only given him one scene. And I want to make him English, not Australian.
Harry: That’s fine. Have you remembered what Cubby and I told you about the three girl rule?
Roald: But of course. The first girl is on Bond’s side- she dies, like you said preferably in Bond’s arms. She’s called Aki. The second girl is anti-Bond, she dies too. I’ve called her Helga Brandt.
Cubby: And the third girl?
Roald: As you instructed, she stays alive and we end with her and Bond getting together. I’ve taken her from Fleming, she’s called Kissy Suzuki.
Lewis: Kissy Suzuki, eh?
Harry: I like the name.
Cubby: Hmm….
Roald: What’s up, Cubby? I’m using what it says in the book.
Cubby: You don’t see a problem, guys?
Lewis/Harry/Roald: (Muttering.) What? Problem? Don’t understand… etc
Cubby: Guys- we were able to use Honey Ryder, Tatiana Romanova, Pussy Galore (with some problems, I admit), and Domino Petacchi. Can any of you imagine what it’d sound like to hear Sean Connery saying “Kissy Suzuki”?
Harry: Oh…
Lewis: Right…
Cubby: We’d have entire cinema audiences saying “What did he say?” Impersonators could live on that for years!
Roald: But it’s one of the few connections to the book- she’s doing pretty much what she does in the book. It’d be strange to change the name.
Cubby: Then we just... don’t say her name.
Lewis: Don’t say her name?
Cubby: Yup. We don’t mention her name at all. If anyone wants to know, they can read the credits at the end.
Harry: Do you think it’ll be noticeable?
Cubby: No, not at all. They’ll all be too busy watching the space rockets and opening volcanoes to worry about that!
Roald: But what if the Suzuki company decide they want to sponsor us- you know, product placement?
Harry: Then Sean can say her name ten times an hour!
1983. (Whitehall. The office of Sir Frederick Gray, Minister of Defence. He heads a committee around a table, with Admiral Hargreaves standing in front of them.)
Frederick Gray: ...so I believe that brings matters to a conclusion. If we’re all agreed….? (Murmurs of consent around the table.)
Gray: Then congratulations are in order, Admiral Hargreaves.
Admiral Hargreaves: Thank you, sir.
Gray: Or should I say… M?
M: Most welcome, sir.
Gray: The next step is to take you over to MI6 and introduce you to what is now your department.
(Miss Moneypenny’s office. She is talking to Miss Penelope Smallbone.)
Miss Moneypenny: No, Miss Smallbone, the 00-files stay in my desk.
Penelope: In your desk?
Miss Moneypenny: Yes, it’s for… um… security. Yes, security... You can take charge of all the others.
Penelope: As you say, Miss Moneypenny. (The door opens and the Minister enters with the new M.)
Gray: This will be your secretary, Miss Moneypenny, and her assistant, Miss Smallbone. Ladies, may I present our new M?
Miss Moneypenny/Miss Smallbone: Good morning, sir.
M: And good morning to you. (Q enters.)
Q: Oh hello there, Admiral Har-
Gray: It’s M to you now, Major Boothroyd.
Q: Ah, I see.
Miss Moneypenny: Your office is through this padded door here, sir. The Chief of Staff is there at the moment.
Gray: Well, let’s not stand here waiting. (He opens the door and they all troop in, to find the Chief of Staff sitting behind the desk.)
Gray: Good morning, Tanner, I’m here to introduce the new M.
Tanner: No! It’s voter fraud! I won! I demand a recount!
Gray: Enough, Tanner, go back to your own office.
Tanner: (Leaves, grumbling.) I’m going to Florida to call my lawyer…
Gray: So, M, have a seat, it’s all yours now. (M sits behind the desk.)
M: Do we have any matters in hand?
Gray: Major Boothroyd?
Q: I think this, sir. (Produces a Fabergé egg.) This turned up in Germany, in the hand of 009. He was dead, and this is a fake.
M: I see…. (Long pause. The Minister, Q and Miss Smallbone look on expectantly.)
Miss Moneypenny: (Whispers.) Tell me to send for our art expert.
M: (Whispers.) We have an art expert?
Miss Moneypenny: (Whispers.) Yes, we have everything. His name is Jim Fanning.
M: (Aloud.) Miss Moneypenny, would you please call for our art expert, Jim Fanning.
Miss Moneypenny: But of course, sir. (She doesn’t move.)
M: (Whispers.) What else? (Moneypenny signs “007” with her fingers.)
M: (Aloud.) And find 007.
Miss Moneypenny: A pleasure, sir.
M: (Whispers.) Thank you, Miss Moneypenny.
Miss Moneypenny: (Whispers.) Don’t worry, sir, you’ll soon get the hang of it.
(All hell is breaking loose, fire extinguishers are exploding and bullets flying through the gloom, set to the screams of frightened participants. James Bond runs towards M.)
Bond: Move! Go! Move!
(Bond practically hurls M into a Jaguar and speeds off.)
M: 007, what the hell are we doing? Are you kidnapping me?
Bond: Too many people are dying because of me. If he wants you, he'll have to come and get you. It's time to get out in front, change the game.
(A lock-up garage somewhere near Canary Wharf, London. Bond and M exit the Jaguar.)
M: I'm not hiding in there, if that's your brilliant plan.
Bond: We're changing vehicles. Trouble with company cars is they have trackers.
M: Oh, and I suppose that's completely inconspicuous.
Bond: Get in.
M: It's not very comfortable, is it?
Bond: Are you gonna complain the whole way?
M: Oh, go on then, eject me. See if I care. (Pause) Where are we going?
Bond: Back in time. (Pauses) But first we need to go shopping.
M: Good idea. Let's see, I assume you already have fuel for the car.
Bond: But of course.
M: So where are we going? Food shopping?
Bond: Barbour, there's one in Covent Garden. All Saints, that's a couple of roads away. Crockett & Jones, there's one in Piccadilly, not too far from Covent Garden, I need a stout pair of boots. And N. Peal, that's also in Piccadilly. And if they don't have my sizes, there are some stores in the City too. So.... the whole shopping trip should only take, assuming parking's not a problem, uh, and trying everything to make sure it fits entirely too snugly for comfort.... um... three hours or so.
M: Three hours? I assume Silva will kindly give us a head start then, maybe count to 99 while hiding his eyes behind his hands? (Pauses) And clothes for me?
Bond: Well the gamekeeper, if he's still alive, should be able to dig up a box of old shawls for you... Not quite enough boot space in the DB5 for much else, sorry.
(Four hours later, an Aston snakes north.)
M: Bond?
Bond: Yes, M?
M: This DB5. I know it has a few tricks up its sleeve. I assume that you have a small arsenal of sub-machine guns, shotguns, pistols, grenades, rocket-launchers and the like secreted within its panels, which we'll surely need when we take on Silva and his men? Or that you found time between shops to pop into an ordnance centre?
Bond: (pauses) Ummm...
Comments
Tiger: Greetings, Kissy-chan.
Kissy: Greetings, Tiger-san. How may I be of assistance to you?
Tiger: You are aware of the very critical international situation at present, with the disappearance of certain spacecraft?
Kissy: A most regrettable occurrence, Tiger-san.
Tiger: Even more regrettable is that Japan has become involved in these events.
Kissy: But how so?
Tiger: It would seem that, unlikely as it may sound, a space rocket which is taking off from our country is behind this affair.
Kissy: How can this be? We have no space programme!
Tiger: The British have sent an agent to find out. Time is very short.
Kissy: The British? But I have heard that the British space programme says "Light blue touchpaper and stand well back."
Tiger: This man wishes to investigate a volcano near where you live. I would ask you to pretend to be married to him so he can work undercover from your village.
Kissy: I see…
Tiger: He will use the name Taro Todoroki. You can take him out in your fishing boat once you have sailed to the island together after making sure the other villagers see nothing unusual so he can get close to the volcano without suspicion.
Kissy: So, you want he and I to undertake a traditional Japanese wedding which takes about 72 hours, then travel slowly by boat to my village, get the others used to him, then go out in my boat and casually move around the volcano?
Tiger: That is correct.
Kissy: Good thing time is short, we would not want anyone to think we were hanging about.
Tiger: Indeed.
Kissy: And will this man fit in and be unnoticeable among the villagers?
Tiger: But of course- many Japanese are 190cm tall and shpeak like thish.
Kissy: Shpeak like thish?
Tiger: Perhaps it is best if you do not tell him your name….
I like that, Barbel {[] {[]
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
1958. (The offices of Warwick Films, owned by one Irving Allen and a certain Albert R. Broccoli.)
Cubby: So, our last film “No Time To Die” (sic) seems to be doing well, Irving.
Irving: Yes, it’s a good title- we mustn’t forget to use it again one day, many years from now.
Cubby: Yes, I’ll make a note of that. Anyway, Irving-
Irving: And good work from Terence Young and Richard Maibaum.
Cubby: Yes…. Listen, Irving-
Irving: We must give them regular work, those guys have some great ideas.
Cubby: You know, I was thinking much the same thing. Now, Irving, tell me, have you ever heard of an author called Ian Fleming?
Irving: Oh yes, he writes thrillers about… oh, what was the guy’s name…?
Cubby: Bond. (Lights cigarette.) James Bond.
Irving: That’s right! What are you saying?
Cubby: He’s keen to get his books made into films, I think we could get a good deal if we move fast.
Irving: Move fast? How so?
Cubby: From what I hear, he’s trying to make a deal with Kevin McClory.
Irving: McClory? Ha! That won’t cause any trouble.
Cubby: Er… So, you agree then, Irving? We should definitely try and make a deal with Fleming and start making James Bond films?
Irving: Well, I don’t know...
Cubby: Its gonna be huge!
Irving: Nah, I don’t think so, Cubby. Spy thrillers? They’re yesterday’s news! Hitchcock was making them twenty years ago.
Cubby: But Irving-
Irving: No, Cubby, count me out.
Cubby: Grrr….
(The Broccoli household. Cubby comes home to wife Dana and teenage stepson Michael. Barbara hasn’t been born yet.)
Dana: Hello darling, how was work today?
Cubby: Hmmm, not great.
Dana: What happened? I thought your last film was making money.
Cubby: Yes, “No Time To Die” is being successful.
Michael: Good title! (Scribbles in his notebook.)
Cubby: I’m getting pissed off with Irving. Everything has to be his idea- today I came up with a great one and he won’t let us pursue it.
Dana: The one about buying the James Bond books?
Cubby: (Glumly.) Yeah.
Dana: Then maybe it’s about time you thought about splitting away from Warwick Films.
Cubby: You mean breaking up with Irving.
Dana: That’s exactly what I mean.
Cubby: It’ll take a while- there are a couple more films in the pipeline.
Dana: All right, but don’t take an eon about it.
Cubby: Hmmm… (Scribbles in his notebook.)
1960. (The Broccoli household. Nope, Barbara still to be born.)
Dana: So, how did Irving take it then?
Cubby: Well, he yelled abuse for about an hour, threatened to hire a hit man, tried to punch me a few times, and threw the furniture around the room.
Dana: Hmm, better than I was expecting.
Cubby: It looks like I now have to see a man called Harry Saltzman and come to some sort of deal with him- he has the rights at the moment but they expire soon.
Michael: You better get onto him soon, then.
Cubby: Yeah, don’t want to have to try another day.
Michael: Hmm… (Writes something in his notebook.)
1965. (The Broccoli household. Little Barbara sits on her mother's knee. Michael helps Cubby with some paperwork. A phone rings.)
Cubby: Hello?
Irving: Hey Cubby, long time no speak, how are you?
Cubby: Hey Irving, good to hear from you, how are you?
Irving: All the better for speaking with you, Cubby. I just wanted to, umm, catch up about those thrillers we were chatting about.
Cubby: ‘Those thrillers’?
Irving: Yes, I was thinking we might….
Cubby: (Jumping in.) ‘Those thrillers’? Irving, do you remember what happened the last time you met Ian Fleming to talk about ‘those thrillers’?
Irving: Ye-ss, I…
Cubby: (Jumping in again.) Irving, I arranged for you to meet him in London, and you told him that his novels “weren’t even good enough for television”!
Irving: I…
Cubby: And you told me they were yesterday’s news. And now look, Bond is bigger than ever!
Irving: (Finally getting a word in.) Say Cubby, have you heard of an author named Donald Hamilton?
Cubby: Oh yes, he writes thrillers about… oh, what was the guy’s name…?
Irving: Helm. (Takes a long sip of Scotch.) Matt Helm.
Cubby: Not a chance, Irving.
Irving: Cubby, they’re gonna be huge! I can see them really taking off. And I have the perfect star: dark, dangerous and deadly…
Cubby: Who?
Irving: Dean Martin.
Cubby: What, Dean Martin? Little Ole Wine Drinker Dean? The guy who saw an advert which said “Drink Canada Dry”, and accepted the challenge? Listen, Irving, the only thing that’s dark, deadly and dangerous about Dino is his wine cellar.
Irving: Ok Cubby, ok, I get the picture. I was just asking ahead of signing-up Dino to be my partner in the enterprise. Maybe you should think of doing the same with Sean?
Cubby: I’ll mention it to Harry…. ‘bye Irving. (Hangs up.)
Dana: How did that go?
Cubby: It was Irving…. I felt like telling him, after the last time, never again!
Dana: Never say never again, Cubby.
Michael: Hmm… (Scribbles something in his notebook... then hastily crosses it out.)
Ever thought of writing them out, N24? Just the Bond ones, obviously.
Model: Hello, my agency sent me here, something about modelling for the titles of the new James Bond film?
Secretary: Oh yes, just go right in through that door. You’re looking for a Mr Binder.
Model: Ok, thanks.
(She goes through the door into a studio full of models and assorted lights and cameras.)
Model: Hello? Mr Binder?
Binder: Ah hello, you’ll be the new model then?
Model: That’s right.
Binder: Let’s have a look at you… yes, very nice. You’ll do just fine.
Model: Thank you.
Binder: The other girls are over there, go and say hello.
Model: Sure.
(She goes to where a few other girls are drinking coffee.)
Model: Hi, I’ve been sent to join you.
2nd Model: Ah, welcome. Maurice has been looking for some different side views.
Model: Side views? Oh, you mean profiles.
2nd Model: Could be- sometimes you get to see our faces.
(The other models giggle.)
Model: What? I don’t understand.
3rd Model: Well, darling, have you never seen a James Bond film? Especially the titles?
Model: No, I…
2nd Model: You’ll soon get the hang of it.
3rd Model: Oh very good, “hang” of it!
Binder: Right let’s get started- where’s the new girl?
Model: Right here, Mr Binder.
Binder: Call me Maurice, my love.
Model: Ok, Maurice.
Binder: Right then, take your clothes off and we’ll start.
Model: (Alarmed.) Take my clothes off???
Binder: Oh, don’t worry, darling, it’s all in silhouette.
Model: Well… I suppose...
(The model reluctantly takes her clothes off.)
Binder: Right, now stand here… no, there… just wait a moment.
(He produces a water pistol and sprays her chest.)
Model: Ow! That’s cold!
Binder: Yes, that’s the idea. Now stand facing this way… now that way…
(Shoots a few frames.)
Binder: Lovely. Now, let’s get another model.
(2nd Model joins them.)
Model: I’m not sure I…
2nd Model: Relax, it’s only in silhouette for a few seconds.
Model: Well, I suppose so…
Binder: Now face each other… just hold that pose...
2nd Model: I see he’s done the cold water bit. You wait till he gets to the Vaseline.
Model: (Incredulously.) Vaseline???
(The current James Bond enters.)
Current Bond: Am I on time, Maurice?
Binder: Perfectly. Now, take this Walther PPK and cross it over your chest… stand in between these two…
Current Bond: Oh, the things I do for England.
Just for a second I wondered where you were going with this...
1st Astronaut: Houston, all going a-ok here, setting up for our next experiment.
Houston: (Crackly.) Roger that, Apollo, you’re doing fine for time.
2nd Astronaut: Hey, what the hell is that?
(A man in a grey suit, with something on his head which from a distance could be mistaken for hair, has come bursting in in front of the astronauts. He wears no breathing apparatus of any kind.)
1st Astronaut: Hey, you-
Houston: (Crackly.) Apollo, what’s going on? I repeat, what’s going on?
(The first man is quickly followed by a bunch of others who appear to be dressed as security guards. They are bristling with weapons and also wearing no breathing apparatus of any kind, like the grey-suited man who is now heading for the nearby moon buggy.)
2nd Astronaut: Get him off that machine! That isn't a toy!
1st Astronaut: Get off that moon buggy!
(Easily avoiding the slow-moving astronauts, the man enters the moon buggy and after a couple of seconds, figures out how to go forward. He heads off into the distance, followed by the security guards. Presumably they are yelling such things as “Stop!” and “Come back!” etc, but of course they cannot be heard. They all disappear out of sight of the stunned astronauts.)
Houston: (Crackly.) What’s happening? Apollo, talk to us!
1st Astronaut: Houston, you’d never believe us.
2nd Astronaut: Hey, in the landing module- Victor, did you see what we just saw?
(In the landing module the 3rd Astronaut, Victor, is staring straight ahead disbelieving his eyes at what he has just seen. He looks down at his wine bottle, shakes his head, and thrusts the bottle firmly away.)
2012. Royal Premiere of “Skyfall”.
The Royal limousine.
The Queen: One is quite looking forward to this.
The Duke: As long as he doesn’t try to get you up in a helicopter again.
The Queen: Oh, but that was fun, Philip.
The Duke: Bloody undignified I call it.
The Queen: Nonsense.
The Duke: That part when you jumped out on a parachute and everyone could see right up your-
The Queen: Enough of that, Philip.
The Duke: Oh, I am looking forward to seeing that glamourous young filly Judi Dench again.
The Queen: (Rolls eyes.) One bets you are.
(The limousine arrives at the theatre and the Royal couple alight.)
The Queen: Good evening.
MGW: Good evening, Your Majesty, Your Highness. My sister, Miss Barbara Broccoli.
The Queen: How nice to see you again.
The Duke: It seems to be longer each time we meet now. God knows if I will be around for the next one
MGW: Oh, it’s no time to die, sir! I’m sure you will be here for a long time, I don’t see a spectre on your shoulder.
The Queen: As long as he doesn’t do any driving...
MGW: May I present our James Bond, Mr Daniel Craig?
The Queen: Of course, hello again Mr Craig.
Daniel: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Duke: I hope you don’t have a helicopter waiting outside, Craig, like the last time.
Daniel: No, not this time Your Highness.
The Duke: She still goes on about that, you know.
Daniel: Really, sir?
The Queen: Oh yes, that was a most interesting experience. A pleasant FRIGHT, one might say.
BB: Our villain, Mr Javier Bardem.
The Duke: Hmm, I know your face. Have I seen you before?
Javier: “No Country For Old Men”?
The Duke: Damn cheek! What are you, a bloody German?
Javier: No, no, sir, it’s a film I was in- and I’m Spanish.
The Duke: Same bloody difference.
Queen: Philip!
(MGW hurriedly moves them on.)
BB: Of course you know Dame Judi Dench, Your Majesty.
The Queen: A pleasure to see you again, Dame Judi.
Judi: Likewise, ma’am.
The Queen: The Duke and I were just saying it is a treat to see you in the James Bond films.
The Duke: Oh yes, I-
The Queen: Quiet, Philip.
Judi: Thank you, Your Majesty
The Queen: We hope you will carry on in them for a long long time.
Judi: Ah, yes, well…
The Queen: We certainly look forward to seeing you in these stories.
Judi: Well, the thing is, er…
The Queen: One trusts you will always be playing in them.
Judi: Um, it’s, well…
The Duke: It’s good to know that whoever they get to play Bond, you will be there in charge.
Judi: Yes… ah...
MGW: Next, ma’am, is Mr Rory Kinnear.
The Queen: How nice. And which part do you play, Mr Kinnear?
Rory: Bill Tanner, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Bill Tanner?
The Duke: Rory Kinnear?
(The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, shrug, and move on. Rory sighs.)
BB: Singing our title song is Adele.
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Adele.
Adele: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Duke: So, now we can’t avoid you in the cinema, as well as constantly hearing you on the radio, or seeing you every time we turn on the television, or-
The Queen: That’s enough, Philip.
MGW: Perhaps we should go in now, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.
Loved the Javier Barden and Rory Thingamybob sections!
1963. Eon HQ, under a lake in Cuba.
Harry: Say Cubby, “Dr No” went down swell. Now we need to make the next one. Shall we try “Thunderball” again?
Cubby: Well I won’t say ‘never again’ but maybe we should do that other book first, the one that JFK likes.
Harry: “Marilyn, Mon Amour”?
Cubby: No, Harry, “From Russia With Love”. JFK loved it. And I know Sean is keen.
Harry: Who will we get to write it?
Cubby: I know a fella, Len Deighton.
Harry: What’s he done?
Cubby: Well, uh, a cookbook.
Harry: A what? Let’s see what he serves up then. Just as long as he doesn’t use my name, “Harry”, for a character. (Pauses.) If it’s no good, we can get Harwood or Maibaum again.
Cubby: OK Harry, now onto casting. We need a really devious but innocent-looking villainess. How about Lotte Lenya?
Harry: Yes, she looks so innocent, and her teeth are pearly white. Maybe she could have a jack-knife, which she keeps, uh, outta sight? (Pauses.) Say Cubby, what did you think of the book?
Cubby: I loved it, Harry. You?
Harry: Nah, think there are some things we could change.
Cubby: Change? Like what?
Harry: Well half the novel’s gone before Bond comes into it. No way will audiences go for that.
Cubby: You’re right, we’ll bring Bond in earlier. Anything else?
Harry: After the Orient Express scenes, the ending is kind of lame.
Cubby: Ok, you’re right again. We’ll have to think of something else to end the movie. Maybe a speedboat chase?
Harry: And something with helicopters? They always look good. A speedboat chase and a helicopter chase.
Cubby: Again, I give you that.
Harry: And the gypsy girls, aren’t they practically naked by the end of the fight scene?
Cubby: We’ll never get that past the censors.
Harry: And we’ll also have to be careful with Rosa Klebb, coming onto Tatiana.
Cubby: Harry, what can I say, you’re right again.
Harry: And Blofeld should be a monkey, sitting on Klebb’s shoulder.
Cubby: What????
1983. (Eon HQ, on top of a mountain in Greece.)
Cubby: No, I’m sorry, guys, you’ve lost me- start again.
Richard Maibaum: Ok, we open with 009- he’s got the fake Fabergé egg.
MGW: He dies, giving the egg to the British ambassador in Germany.
Richard: Who sends it to M.
MGW: Who gives it to Bond.
Richard: Bond now has the fake egg.
MGW: At an auction, Bond swaps the fake egg for the real one-
Richard: -so, Bond now has the real egg-
MGW: -and he goes to India with the real egg-
Richard: -which he shows to the villain, Kamal Khan, during a game of backgammon-
MGW: (Getting faster.) -which of course Bond wins. He goes to bed with a woman employed by Kamal-
Richard: (And faster.) -and she of course steals the egg and takes it to Kamal-
MGW: -who now has both the fake egg and the real egg, which he shows to General Orlov-
Richard: -who smashes it, you can tell it’s the real egg from the way Kamal reacts-
MGW: -and from now on we can forget about the eggs!
Cubby: ….can you run that past me one more time, guys?
I agree with Cubby! Why did MGW stop writing? He had some great ideas.
The years between LTK (his last screenwriting credit) and GE were fraught with legal problems for Eon. With MGW being a trained lawyer he was deeply involved, and Cubby's fading health necessitated that Michael take more of the load anyway. There probably wasn't much time for him to do much writing.
Shirley: He loves goooooooold!
John: That’s fantastic, Shirley, but I’d like just one more take and this time can you hold that last note just a fraction longer, ok?
Shirley: Longer? John, I’m turning blue as it is! Any longer and I’ll need an oxygen tank!
John: I know, Shirley, you’re doing great but just a fraction longer this time, please?
Shirley: Well, ok…
John: Thanks, darling. Now- orchestra, take 3: 1,2,3,4…
(About two minutes and forty seconds later:)
Shirley: He loves goooooooooold!
John: Even better, Shirley, but could you do it again and this time hold that note just a little bit longer?
Shirley: Are you kidding me? I’ll need to lie down for three days just to recover after this!
John: Yes, darling, but please? Just for me?
Shirley: Hold on- I’ll need to take deeper breaths.
(She goes behind a baffle (a screen). After a few seconds, her bra is thrown carelessly over the top. Two violinists’ eyes nearly fall out of their heads and a third narrowly avoids a heart attack. A dark-haired man looks at his bottle of wine, shakes his head, and pushes the bottle firmly away. The sax players and bassists, of course, don’t bat an eye- the sax men have spent a lot of time working in, er, nightclubs and everyone knows that bass players are the coolest guys in any band. She steps out again.)
Shirley: All right, John, go for it!
John: Right! Orchestra, take 4- 1, 2, 3,4…
(About two minutes and forty seconds later:)
Shirley: He loves goooooooooooold!!!!
John: Wonderful, Shirley, thank you so much! Now, could you please, just for me, give us just one more take, just for-
Shirley: One more take?! I never need five takes!!
John: Yes, well, but Shirley, if you could just hold that last note a tiny bit longer-
Shirley: Longer???? I’m already holding it for four bars!!
John: Ah, but on “From Russia With Love” Matt Monro held his last note for six bars.
Shirley: Huh? Six bars? ….(Determinedly.) John, start the orchestra again- we’ll go for another take!
Was the cool bass player you, Barbel?
Did Tom Jones hold the longest note ever in a Bond song?
Ah, you've spotted my little secret- yes, I was taken out of primary school to play bass on the GF soundtrack. Of course.
No, the longest note was at the end of this- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7KMMxAQp8I
Cubby: So, Roald, you’ve got some ideas to run past us?
Roald Dahl: That’s right, I’ve been working hard on this.
Harry: Let’s hear what you’ve got, then.
Roald: Well, I took a few ideas from Fleming’s novel and added them into what you guys found flying around Japan.
Lewis Gilbert: Yes, we liked the volcanoes we found and wanted to work them into the plot.
Roald: However, I’d like to start with the characters that we’re going to have. Bond, M, Moneypenny, and Q are all given- we have to use them.
Harry: Yes, definitely.
Roald: Now, from the book I want to use Tiger Tanaka, I think he’s a good character that we can fit in to the story no problem.
Cubby: Fair enough.
Lewis: What about Henderson?
Roald: I’ve kept him in, but only given him one scene. And I want to make him English, not Australian.
Harry: That’s fine. Have you remembered what Cubby and I told you about the three girl rule?
Roald: But of course. The first girl is on Bond’s side- she dies, like you said preferably in Bond’s arms. She’s called Aki. The second girl is anti-Bond, she dies too. I’ve called her Helga Brandt.
Cubby: And the third girl?
Roald: As you instructed, she stays alive and we end with her and Bond getting together. I’ve taken her from Fleming, she’s called Kissy Suzuki.
Lewis: Kissy Suzuki, eh?
Harry: I like the name.
Cubby: Hmm….
Roald: What’s up, Cubby? I’m using what it says in the book.
Cubby: You don’t see a problem, guys?
Lewis/Harry/Roald: (Muttering.) What? Problem? Don’t understand… etc
Cubby: Guys- we were able to use Honey Ryder, Tatiana Romanova, Pussy Galore (with some problems, I admit), and Domino Petacchi. Can any of you imagine what it’d sound like to hear Sean Connery saying “Kissy Suzuki”?
Harry: Oh…
Lewis: Right…
Cubby: We’d have entire cinema audiences saying “What did he say?” Impersonators could live on that for years!
Roald: But it’s one of the few connections to the book- she’s doing pretty much what she does in the book. It’d be strange to change the name.
Cubby: Then we just... don’t say her name.
Lewis: Don’t say her name?
Cubby: Yup. We don’t mention her name at all. If anyone wants to know, they can read the credits at the end.
Harry: Do you think it’ll be noticeable?
Cubby: No, not at all. They’ll all be too busy watching the space rockets and opening volcanoes to worry about that!
Roald: But what if the Suzuki company decide they want to sponsor us- you know, product placement?
Harry: Then Sean can say her name ten times an hour!
Frederick Gray: ...so I believe that brings matters to a conclusion. If we’re all agreed….?
(Murmurs of consent around the table.)
Gray: Then congratulations are in order, Admiral Hargreaves.
Admiral Hargreaves: Thank you, sir.
Gray: Or should I say… M?
M: Most welcome, sir.
Gray: The next step is to take you over to MI6 and introduce you to what is now your department.
(Miss Moneypenny’s office. She is talking to Miss Penelope Smallbone.)
Miss Moneypenny: No, Miss Smallbone, the 00-files stay in my desk.
Penelope: In your desk?
Miss Moneypenny: Yes, it’s for… um… security. Yes, security... You can take charge of all the others.
Penelope: As you say, Miss Moneypenny.
(The door opens and the Minister enters with the new M.)
Gray: This will be your secretary, Miss Moneypenny, and her assistant, Miss Smallbone. Ladies, may I present our new M?
Miss Moneypenny/Miss Smallbone: Good morning, sir.
M: And good morning to you.
(Q enters.)
Q: Oh hello there, Admiral Har-
Gray: It’s M to you now, Major Boothroyd.
Q: Ah, I see.
Miss Moneypenny: Your office is through this padded door here, sir. The Chief of Staff is there at the moment.
Gray: Well, let’s not stand here waiting.
(He opens the door and they all troop in, to find the Chief of Staff sitting behind the desk.)
Gray: Good morning, Tanner, I’m here to introduce the new M.
Tanner: No! It’s voter fraud! I won! I demand a recount!
Gray: Enough, Tanner, go back to your own office.
Tanner: (Leaves, grumbling.) I’m going to Florida to call my lawyer…
Gray: So, M, have a seat, it’s all yours now.
(M sits behind the desk.)
M: Do we have any matters in hand?
Gray: Major Boothroyd?
Q: I think this, sir. (Produces a Fabergé egg.) This turned up in Germany, in the hand of 009. He was dead, and this is a fake.
M: I see…. (Long pause. The Minister, Q and Miss Smallbone look on expectantly.)
Miss Moneypenny: (Whispers.) Tell me to send for our art expert.
M: (Whispers.) We have an art expert?
Miss Moneypenny: (Whispers.) Yes, we have everything. His name is Jim Fanning.
M: (Aloud.) Miss Moneypenny, would you please call for our art expert, Jim Fanning.
Miss Moneypenny: But of course, sir. (She doesn’t move.)
M: (Whispers.) What else?
(Moneypenny signs “007” with her fingers.)
M: (Aloud.) And find 007.
Miss Moneypenny: A pleasure, sir.
M: (Whispers.) Thank you, Miss Moneypenny.
Miss Moneypenny: (Whispers.) Don’t worry, sir, you’ll soon get the hang of it.
(All hell is breaking loose, fire extinguishers are exploding and bullets flying through the gloom, set to the screams of frightened participants. James Bond runs towards M.)
Bond: Move! Go! Move!
(Bond practically hurls M into a Jaguar and speeds off.)
M: 007, what the hell are we doing? Are you kidnapping me?
Bond: Too many people are dying because of me. If he wants you, he'll have to come and get you. It's time to get out in front, change the game.
(A lock-up garage somewhere near Canary Wharf, London. Bond and M exit the Jaguar.)
M: I'm not hiding in there, if that's your brilliant plan.
Bond: We're changing vehicles. Trouble with company cars is they have trackers.
M: Oh, and I suppose that's completely inconspicuous.
Bond: Get in.
M: It's not very comfortable, is it?
Bond: Are you gonna complain the whole way?
M: Oh, go on then, eject me. See if I care. (Pause) Where are we going?
Bond: Back in time. (Pauses) But first we need to go shopping.
M: Good idea. Let's see, I assume you already have fuel for the car.
Bond: But of course.
M: So where are we going? Food shopping?
Bond: Barbour, there's one in Covent Garden. All Saints, that's a couple of roads away. Crockett & Jones, there's one in Piccadilly, not too far from Covent Garden, I need a stout pair of boots. And N. Peal, that's also in Piccadilly. And if they don't have my sizes, there are some stores in the City too. So.... the whole shopping trip should only take, assuming parking's not a problem, uh, and trying everything to make sure it fits entirely too snugly for comfort.... um... three hours or so.
M: Three hours? I assume Silva will kindly give us a head start then, maybe count to 99 while hiding his eyes behind his hands? (Pauses) And clothes for me?
Bond: Well the gamekeeper, if he's still alive, should be able to dig up a box of old shawls for you... Not quite enough boot space in the DB5 for much else, sorry.
(Four hours later, an Aston snakes north.)
M: Bond?
Bond: Yes, M?
M: This DB5. I know it has a few tricks up its sleeve. I assume that you have a small arsenal of sub-machine guns, shotguns, pistols, grenades, rocket-launchers and the like secreted within its panels, which we'll surely need when we take on Silva and his men? Or that you found time between shops to pop into an ordnance centre?
Bond: (pauses) Ummm...
Loved the line about fitting entirely too snugly for comfort.
I hope The Bond Experience reads this and perhaps even does something based on it.