(All hell is breaking loose, fire extinguishers are exploding and bullets flying through the gloom, set to the screams of frightened participants. James Bond runs towards M.)
Bond: Move! Go! Move!
(Bond practically hurls M into a Jaguar and speeds off.)
M: 007, what the hell are we doing? Are you kidnapping me?
Bond: Too many people are dying because of me. If he wants you, he'll have to come and get you. It's time to get out in front, change the game.
(A lock-up garage somewhere near Canary Wharf, London. Bond and M exit the Jaguar.)
M: I'm not hiding in there, if that's your brilliant plan.
Bond: We're changing vehicles. Trouble with company cars is they have trackers.
M: Oh, and I suppose that's completely inconspicuous.
Bond: Get in.
M: It's not very comfortable, is it?
Bond: Are you gonna complain the whole way?
M: Oh, go on then, eject me. See if I care. (Pause) Where are we going?
Bond: Back in time. (Pauses) But first we need to go shopping.
M: Good idea. Let's see, I assume you already have fuel for the car.
Bond: But of course.
M: So where are we going? Food shopping?
Bond: Barbour, there's one in Covent Garden. All Saints, that's a couple of roads away. Crockett & Jones, there's one in Piccadilly, not too far from Covent Garden, I need a stout pair of boots. And N. Peal, that's also in Piccadilly. And if they don't have my sizes, there are some stores in the City too. So.... the whole shopping trip should only take, assuming parking's not a problem, uh, and trying everything to make sure it fits entirely too snugly for comfort.... um... three hours or so.
M: Three hours? I assume Silva will kindly give us a head start then, maybe count to 99 while hiding his eyes behind his hands? (Pauses) And clothes for me?
Bond: Well the gamekeeper, if he's still alive, should be able to dig up a box of old shawls for you... Not quite enough boot space in the DB5 for much else, sorry.
(Four hours later, an Aston snakes north.)
M: Bond?
Bond: Yes, M?
M: This DB5. I know it has a few tricks up its sleeve. I assume that you have a small arsenal of sub-machine guns, shotguns, pistols, grenades, rocket-launchers and the like secreted within its panels, which we'll surely need when we take on Silva and his men? Or that you found time between shops to pop into an ordnance centre?
Bond: (pauses) Ummm...
I love it!
I only want to know now whether M got a medium or large Big Mac from the drive thru en route and whether or not she allowed it on expenses! )
2012. (The car park of a McDonalds somewhere in northern England- or as it's known where I am, the south. M sits impatiently in the DB5. Eventually Craig returns, carrying their order.)
M: About bloody time.
Craig: Sorry. There was a queue.
M: You mean there’s more than one of him?
Craig: Not that kind of Q. Anyway, here’s yours. (Hands over a bag and a drink.)
M: Did you get me a medium or a large Big Mac?
Craig: You’ll have to look in the bag and find out for yourself.
M: If we’d waited until we were over the border you could have got me a haggisburger and a deep-fried Mars Bar.
Craig: (Patiently.) There is no such thing as a haggisburger and the other one’s an urban myth.*
M: Did you charge it to expenses?
Craig: Of course. We have to leave breadcrumbs for Silva.
M: I’d rather leave them for this gull that’s sitting expectantly on my side mirror. Oh wait, it's flown away.
Craig: Pity- this is no time to fly.
* Well, it began as an urban myth. Eventually, chip shops began to sell them after being asked too many times to refuse.
1969. (Quarterdeck, M’s mansion. Bond enters to find M looking at a pinned butterfly.)
Bond: Unusually small for a Nymphalis polychloris.
M: I wasn´t aware that your expertise included lepidoptery. Anyway, what are you doing here?
Bond: Genealogy, sir. Fascinating subject. In the offices of Gebruder Gumbold, solicitors in Switzerland, I found… this. (Bond hands M a folded paper, which M examines thoughtfully.)
M: Hmmm. I see.
Bond: I hoped you’d find it as fascinating as I did, sir.
M: (Studies the paper closely.) Fascinating indeed.
Bond: I’m glad you agree, sir.
M: Oh, yes. (M unfolds the paper in front of Bond.)
Bond: Ah-
M: This is the centrefold of last month’s “Playboy”.
Bond: But, sir-
M: And you came across this in a solicitor’s office in Switzerland?
Bond: Yes, but-
M: Now, I admit this is definitely fascinating.
Bond: Yes, sir, but you see-
M: And you brought this all the way back here just to show me?
Bond: Not exactly, sir, I-
M: Well, thank you, 007, but I fail to see exactly why you felt this so important.
Bond: Well, sir, I also found-
M: Let me guess- the centrefold of “Penthouse”? A few pages from “Big Boobs Weekly”?
Bond: Oh, that’s weekly now? I thought it was still monthly. But sir-
M: Enough, 007. Go back on leave and don’t disturb me again until you’ve found evidence of where Blofeld is!
Bond: But sir-
M: Out, 007. Now.
Bond: (Crestfallen, he turns to go.) Yes, sir.
M: Oh, and 007?
Bond: Yes, sir?
M: Just leave that centrefold.
1999. (Royal Premiere of “The World Is Not Enough.”)
(The Broccoli limousine.)
BB: I dreaded this, caught in traffic.
MGW: Yeah, me too. The only consolation is that the Queen and Prince Philip will be caught in the traffic, too.
BB: Ha! She has outriders who move the traffic aside so she can get through! Face it, Michael, they’re gonna get there first!
MGW: Oh Lord, so what do we do?
BB: No worries, I asked Dame Judi to take charge till we get there- you know we can trust her.
MGW: (Breathes sigh of relief.) Well, that’s all right, then. (Sudden moment of horror.) Until they get to…
BB: Oh God, you’re right. Driver! Do your best!
(The Royal limousine.)
The Queen: Now, remember what I told you, Philip.
The Duke: (Grumbling.) Yes, I’ll be polite and say as little as possible.
The Queen: That’s it.
The Duke: But, dammit, Elizabeth, couldn’t we have sent Charles and Camilla to take our place?
The Queen: What? Not so soon after… well, you know what. We have to be seen to do this ourselves.
(Outside the theatre, they are met by Dame Judi Dench.)
The Queen: Good evening, Dame Judi.
Judi: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Queen: How pleasant to see you again, but where are Mr & Mrs Broccoli?
Judi: Er… they’ll be here shortly, ma’am, I’m sure. May I present our director, Mr Michael Apted?
The Queen: Of course. Good evening, Mr Apted.
Michael: A pleasure, ma’am.
The Duke: Director, eh? What films have you made that I would know?
Michael: Well, you might know my series where I follow children through their growing up- “7 Up”, “14 Up”, “21 Up” and so forth.
The Duke: Ah, so this is “007 Up”?
Michael: (Trying to pretend he hasn’t heard this joke a million times before.) Er, you might say that, Your Highness.
(The Broccoli limousine arrives, and MGW and BB get out. They thank Dame Judi, then take over.)
MGW: May I present our James Bond, Mr Pierce Brosnan?
The Queen: Of course. Good evening, Mr Brosnan.
Pierce: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Duke: So, what have you been in since your last Bond film, Brosnan?
Pierce: Well, I was in “The Thomas Crown Affair”.
The Duke: Oh yes, I remember, with Rene Russo. She has a lovely pair of-
The Queen: Philip!
MGW: Our villain, Mr Robert Carlyle.
The Duke: Oh, yes, I saw you in that film, oh what was it called… “The Full Monty”?
Robert: Yes, sir, I was in that one.
The Duke: Well, I hope you’re keeping your clothes on in this one.
Robert: Oh yes, sir.
BB: (Gulping nervously.) Next, Your Majesty, Is Miss Denise Richards.
The Queen: Good even-
Denise: Hi, Queen! (BB facepalms.)
The Queen: Er, hello, Miss Rich-
Denise: You must be very pleased to meet me, I mean, I’m very pleased to meet you.
The Queen: That’s very nice-
Denise: I mean, you must have a really great time being the Queen. How did you get the job? (MGW and BB exchange horrified looks before both simultaneously facepalm.)
The Queen: One was born to it.
The Duke: Yes, and I have to-
Denise: Oh, you’re Prince Charles, aren’t you? (The Queen rolls her eyes.)
The Duke: No, I’m his father.
Denise: Oh yes, you were involved in that thing with Princess Diana in Par- (Six large men in sunglasses appear from nowhere and, grabbing Denise by the elbows, remove her from the line-up.)
MGW: Next, ma’am, is Mr Michael Kitchen.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Kitchen.
Kitchen: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Queen: And which part do you play?
Kitchen: Bill Tanner, ma’am.
The Queen: Bill Tanner?
The Duke: Michael Kitchen? (The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, and shrug before moving along. Michael sighs.)
BB: Next, ma’am, is Mr Colin Salmond.
The Queen: How nice. And which part do you play, Mr Salmond?
Colin: Charles Robinson, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Charles Robinson?
The Duke: Colin Salmond? (The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, shrug, and move on. Colin sighs.)
MGW: Perhaps we should go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.
This is a co-write with Charmed & Dangerous, and all the best lines are his.
1985. (Alaska. Two radar operators work at their screen.)
Timmy: Hey, Charlie, look at that.
Charlie: Good God, what’s that?
Timmy: I don’t know…
Charlie: Is it a submarine? Maybe the Russians are invading! We have to tell Sarah Palin!
Timmy: No, it’s too small for a submarine.
Charlie: Whales?
Timmy: I don't think they have the technology yet. Russia would be more likely.
Charlie: No, not Wales, you twerp. Is it a whale?
Timmy: Oh! No, it’s going in a straight line directly for our bay. It’s definitely man-made.
Charlie: Perhaps it's Acme Pollution Inspection? I heard they were cleaning up the world, and looking for a suitable place to start.
Timmy: Only one way to find out... (They rush down to the bay and stare out, as something on the horizon slowly heads towards them. A dark-haired man sits on the dock of the bay, wasting time, and drinking from a bottle of wine.)
Charlie: (Turning to the man sitting on the dock of the bay.) Your name wouldn’t be Otis, would it?
Man: No, it’s Victor. (All three men turn to stare at the approaching object. As it draws near, they can see that it's white, and appears to be covered in snow.)
Timmy: An iceberg???
Charlie: An iceberg with an engine???
Timmy: You sure it isn't the Russians? (The iceberg draws to a halt, ready to tie up to the side. A hatch opens in the top, revealing a Union Jack. A suave, handsome man appears through it. The sound of a mellow Beach Boys ballad drifts from the interior. The dark-haired man looks at his bottle of wine, shakes his head, and thrusts the bottle firmly away.)
Bond: Good evening, gentlemen- you were expecting someone else? (A slim hand holding what appears to be a glass of champagne reaches up through the hatch, scarlet nails flashing against the wintery sky. The handsome man looks down, glances back up briefly at Charlie and Timmy, smiles broadly and retreats back into the iceberg, pulling the hatch firmly down behind him. The Beach Boys, muted now, drift into another number as the engine purrs to life, and the iceberg drifts slowly away again.)
Charlie: Nope, I don't think it's the Russians...
This is a co-write with Charmed & Dangerous, and all the best lines are his.
1985. (Alaska. Two radar operators work at their screen.)
Timmy: Hey, Charlie, look at that.
Charlie: Good God, what’s that?
Timmy: I don’t know…
Charlie: Is it a submarine? Maybe the Russians are invading! We have to tell Sarah Palin!
Timmy: No, it’s too small for a submarine.
Charlie: Whales?
Timmy: I don't think they have the technology yet. Russia would be more likely.
Charlie: No, not Wales, you twerp. Is it a whale?
Timmy: Oh! No, it’s going in a straight line directly for our bay. It’s definitely man-made.
Charlie: Perhaps it's Acme Pollution Inspection? I heard they were cleaning up the world, and looking for a suitable place to start.
Timmy: Only one way to find out... (They rush down to the bay and stare out, as something on the horizon slowly heads towards them. A dark-haired man sits on the dock of the bay, wasting time, and drinking from a bottle of wine.)
Charlie: (Turning to the man sitting on the dock of the bay.) Your name wouldn’t be Otis, would it?
Man: No, it’s Victor. (All three men turn to stare at the approaching object. As it draws near, they can see that it's white, and appears to be covered in snow.)
Timmy: An iceberg???
Charlie: An iceberg with an engine???
Timmy: You sure it isn't the Russians? (The iceberg draws to a halt, ready to tie up to the side. A hatch opens in the top, revealing a Union Jack. A suave, handsome man appears through it. The sound of a mellow Beach Boys ballad drifts from the interior. The dark-haired man looks at his bottle of wine, shakes his head, and thrusts the bottle firmly away.)
Bond: Good evening, gentlemen- you were expecting someone else? (A slim hand holding what appears to be a glass of champagne reaches up through the hatch, scarlet nails flashing against the wintery sky. The handsome man looks down, glances back up briefly at Charlie and Timmy, smiles broadly and retreats back into the iceberg, pulling the hatch firmly down behind him. The Beach Boys, muted now, drift into another number as the engine purrs to life, and the iceberg drifts slowly away again.)
Charlie: Nope, I don't think it's the Russians...
It's great when someone thinks: "I wonder what happened next.....?" )
1965. Eon HQ, inside a British spy ship disguised as a fishing boat.
Harry: So, the Disco Volante has blown up, Bond and Domino have jumped safely into the water-
Terence: What about the scientist guy?
Harry: No-one will notice that!
Cubby: And Bond and Domino are in their little boat.
Kevin: Yeah, but we need just one more thing to finish off with.
Cubby: One more thing?
Kevin: One final “kick” before the audience leaves.
Harry: How about M is in a submarine and it comes up from under where Bond and Domino are just beginning to make out? M orders Moneypenny to tell Bond to come below, and she says “It’ll be a pleasure, sir” because she knows she’s interrupting him and the girl!
Cubby: That’s good!
Terence: Don’t think so…
Kevin: Nah… (Cubby and Harry exchange looks. Cubby silently mouths the words “Next time” and Harry nods.)
Terence: How about their boat is picked up by a destroyer, and M and others catch Bond and Domino in the act, as it were? M can look horrified and say “007!” and Bond can say he’s just keeping the British end up!
Harry: Nah…
Kevin: Nah… (Cubby scribbles that one in his notebook for future use.)
Kevin: Look, how about they get whisked up quickly in the air into a plane flying high overhead?
Harry: What?
Terence: I like that one.
Cubby: Nobody’s ever done that before.
Kevin: Yeah, and it’ll be a dark night before anyone tries to do it again!
Yes, that's what I thought when I saw it for the first time. Not that I'm a huge Batman fan, but Son of Barbel used to be, then my nephew, so I've sat through the films many times.
MGW: Thank you all for coming. My sister Barbara and I would like to introduce you to our James Bond, Mr Daniel Craig. (Craig enters to applause.)
1st Reporter: Your fourth James Bond film, Mr Craig?
Craig: Yes, my fourth.
2nd Reporter: Will you be driving an Aston Martin?
Craig: Yes, I will. Two, in fact, though not at the same time. (Polite laughter.)
BB: Our leading lady, Mlle Lea Seydoux. (Lea enters to applause.)
3rd Reporter: Would you say your part is Bond’s equal? (Other reporters hide sniggers.)
Lea: Yes, I would very much say so.
1st Reporter: Ah, so Bond won’t be saving you from the villain at the end of the film then?
Lea: (Trapped.) ...er.. you’ll just have to see the film and find out.
MGW: May I present Herr Christoph Waltz? (Christoph enters to applause.)
2nd Reporter: So you’re playing the villain, then, Herr Waltz?
Christoph: That’s something you’ll need to watch the film for.
4th Reporter: The rumours are that you’ll be playing Ernst Stavro Blofeld- I mean, they’ve got the rights now and the film is called “Spectre”.
Christoph: Oh no, I’m playing a character called Franz Oberhauser.
1st Reporter: So not Blofeld at all, then?
Christoph: No, not at all.
4th Reporter: You’re definitely not playing Blofeld then?
Christoph: No, I’m not.
2nd Reporter: Did it take a long time for the make-up people to put the scar on your eye?
Christoph: No, it only took… damn. (Reporters happily scribble "Waltz plays Blofeld".)
BB: (Quickly.) Playing Mr Hinx is Dave Bautista. (Dave enters to applause.)
3rd Reporter: Have you got a lot of dialogue in the film, Mr Bautista?
Dave: Oh yes, pages and pages of it. Took me forever to memorise it.
2nd Reporter: And do you fight James Bond?
Dave: No, not at all. We get on famously in the film.
1st Reporter: Hmmm…
MGW: And singing our title song is Sam Smith. (The reporters all turn to leave.)
BB: Hey, where are you going? Don’t you want to ask any questions?
1st Reporter: No fear, we’re all afraid Sam might start singing!
(The Royal limousine.)
The Duke: I wonder if that huge fellow with the steel teeth will be in this one again, eh?
The Queen: One never knows.
The Duke: And last time it was all about stealing space shuttles, and the one before was about stealing submarines. What d’you think it’ll be this time, London taxis?
The Queen: Again, Philip, one will just have to wait and see.
(The limousine draws up at the theatre, and the Royal couple emerge.)
The Queen: How nice to see you again, Mr Asparagus.
Cubby: Er… and to see you, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Hope you’ve got a good one for us tonight, Tubby.
Cubby: (Fixed smile.) I think so, sir. May I present our James Bond, Mr Roger Moore?
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Moore. To use a line you’ve heard before, I’ve been expecting you.
Roger: (Charming smile.) As long as you weren’t expecting Sean Connery, Your Majesty.
The Duke: I hope you remember this time not to punch the big fellow Jaws in the mouth, Moore, like you did in the last two films.
Roger: He’s not actually in this one, sir.
The Duke: Really? Hope there’s some good baddies, then!
Roger: I don’t think you’ll be disappointed, Your Highness.
The Duke: How about that Blofeld chap? We haven’t seen him for a while, hope he’s back.
MGW: ...er… perhaps we should move on, Cubby?
Cubby: Of course. Can I introduce you to Topol, who I believe you’ve met before?
The Queen: Ah, of course, hello Mr Topol.
Topol: A pleasure as always, ma’am.
The Duke: Still fiddling on that damn roof, eh, Tipple?
Topol: ...er… yes, sir, I do still enjoy playing the part on stage from time to time.
The Duke: Been up to anything recently?
Topol: Well, I was in “Flash Gordon”, you might have seen that?
The Duke: Oh yes, “Flesh Gordon”, I definitely …. er...have never seen that film. In fact I’ve never heard of it. No, absolutely not.
The Queen: Philip! (Turning back to Roger) Weren't you in that one too, Roger? Prince something-or-other?
Roger: (Smile now slightly strained.) No, ma'am, I think that was Timothy Dalton.
The Duke: Ahh yes, the dashing Prince!
The Queen: Not too many of those about, eh Roger?
Cubby: May I introduce you to our leading lady, Ms Carole Bouquet?
Carole: A pleasure, Your Majesty.
The Duke: What have I seen you in, my dear?
Carole: “That Obscure Object Of Desire”?
The Duke: Ahh, I think I saw that one, with Ron Jeremy wasn't it?
The Queen: Philip!
Carole: No, Your Highness, it's a Luis Bunuel film about an aging Lothario and his frustrated desires for an ultimately unavailable young woman.
The Queen: Philip, we can watch it together, eh? Sounds perfect.
Cubby: Next, ma’am, is Mr Julian Glover.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Glover, and which part do you play?
Julian: I play Kristatos, ma’am.
The Duke: Kristatos! Good Greek name, that. I assume you play a dashing hero then?
Julian: No, Your Highness- the villain.
The Queen: Fancy that!
The Duke: And which films might we have seen you in?
Julian: Perhaps “Antony and Cleopatra”, sir?
The Duke: No, I don’t know that one.
Julian: Then maybe “Quatermass And The Pit”?
The Duke: (Thinks a bit.) No, don’t know that one either.
Julian: (A bit proudly.) Then surely “The Empire Strikes Back”, sir.
The Duke: “The Empire Strikes Back”? Never heard of it.
Julian: Ah….
The Duke: War movie, is it? I like the sound of that!
Julian: (Still surprised.) You could say that, sir.
The Queen: Is that the one with Harrison Ford? Or is one thinking of that fellow Indiana Jones?
The Duke: Heh, Mr Glover, perhaps you, Jones and James Bond could go off on some kind of crusade together? I'd go and see that one!
Cubby: Next, Your Majesty, is Mr James Villiers.
The Queen: How nice, and which part do you play, Mr Villiers?
James: Bill Tanner, ma’am.
The Queen: Bill Tanner?
The Duke: James Villiers? (The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, shrug, and move on. James sighs.)
Cubby: May I introduce you to our new director, John Glen?
The Duke: I hear that some of this one was filmed in Corfu, Glen. Good show!
John: Yes, Your Highness, we filmed in Corfu Town, Meteora and Achilleion.
The Duke: I imagine it was a joy working with the locals?
John: Yes, Your Highness, apart from the monks who kept washing their dirty laundry in public.
The Queen: Heaven forbid that should ever happen to us, Philip.
The Duke: And what was the highlight for you, Glen?
John: The car chase- ending with the beat up old banger being a write-off.
The Duke: And Heaven forbid that should ever happen to us too, dear.
Cubby: Perhaps we should go in now, Your Majesty?
The Queen: Yes, perhaps that may be best.
Sergeant: ...so, in your own words, please, just start from the beginning.
Bride: Well, Jean-Paul and I met at college and-
Sergeant: No, there’s no need to go that far back. It was the day of your wedding and…?
Bride: We had hired a great boat, with a glass roof. It was so beautiful, just like I had always wanted it to be, and there was a band, and there were-
Sergeant: Please, just tell me how this man interrupted your wedding.
Bride: Our boat was just passing under a bridge. The band had finished playing “Good Morning Paris Town” and moved on to a different tune, one which I think I recognised-
Sergeant: Please, the man?
Bride: He came crashing through the roof of the boat and landed straight on our wedding cake! Oh, I had dreamt so much of the cake and how it would-
Sergeant: Please, tell me about the man.
Bride: He landed on the cake, and then came out of it looking, I don’t know, maybe thirty years older?
Sergeant: Hmm...
Bride: And then he handed me a piece of the cake- my own cake! It had taken so long to get the cake exactly the way I-
Sergeant: Please, madamoiselle-
Bride: (Happily.) Oh, it’s “madame” now, see? (Proudly shows off her ring.)
Sergeant: Yes, of course. But the man…?
Bride: And he said “Congratulations”.
Sergeant: Congratulations?
Bride: Yes, that’s all.
Sergeant: A Frenchman would have said “Felicitations”- did he sound English?
Bride: Definitely.
Sergeant: I see.
Bride: I must telephone my cousin in Louisiana- she thought she had a terrible wedding with speedboats crashing through it, but I can top her now!
1983. (Shrublands health clinic, conveniently located near the NATO air base. The director, Dr Joshua Wain, sits in his office after a tough morning overseeing effleurage. The intercom buzzes.)
Secretary: Telephone call for you, Dr Wain.
Dr Wain: Did you get a name?
Secretary: Yes, it seems to be a Mr Em.
Dr Wain: Mr Em? Strange name.
Secretary: Shall I put it through?
Dr Wain: Yes, please…. Hello?
M: Ah hello, is that Dr Wain?
Dr Wain: Yes, is this...er, Mr Em?
M: Yes, that’s right. I’m, ah, with the government, and I’d like to send one of our men over for some detoxification and general toning-up.
Dr Wain: (Writing on a pad.) I see, and the name?
M: Bond. James Bond.
Dr Wain: (Writing.) James Bond… that name sounds familiar.
M: I believe he did attend your clinic some years earlier, you might recall?
Dr Wain: Bond! Yes, I remember!
M: Oh good, then I-
Dr Wain: He was responsible for one broken window, the ruination of my patented spine-stretching apparatus, and a large cleaning bill for one of my Turkish baths! Not to mention one of my most valued staff wandering dreamily around with a big smile on her face for at least a week before I could get any serious work out of her.
M: Well, that was before my time, and I’m sure you were adequately recompensed for any damage caused.
Dr Wain: There’s more to this than money, Mr Em. I have the reputation of my clinic to maintain, and those incidents did deter many of my clients from returning.
M: That was twenty years ago, Dr Wain. I’m sure Mr Bond will cause you no trouble, he’s mainly involved with teaching these days.
Dr Wain: No! Never again!
M: You should never say that, Dr Wain.
Comments
I love it!
I only want to know now whether M got a medium or large Big Mac from the drive thru en route and whether or not she allowed it on expenses!
2012. (The car park of a McDonalds somewhere in northern England- or as it's known where I am, the south. M sits impatiently in the DB5. Eventually Craig returns, carrying their order.)
M: About bloody time.
Craig: Sorry. There was a queue.
M: You mean there’s more than one of him?
Craig: Not that kind of Q. Anyway, here’s yours. (Hands over a bag and a drink.)
M: Did you get me a medium or a large Big Mac?
Craig: You’ll have to look in the bag and find out for yourself.
M: If we’d waited until we were over the border you could have got me a haggisburger and a deep-fried Mars Bar.
Craig: (Patiently.) There is no such thing as a haggisburger and the other one’s an urban myth.*
M: Did you charge it to expenses?
Craig: Of course. We have to leave breadcrumbs for Silva.
M: I’d rather leave them for this gull that’s sitting expectantly on my side mirror. Oh wait, it's flown away.
Craig: Pity- this is no time to fly.
* Well, it began as an urban myth. Eventually, chip shops began to sell them after being asked too many times to refuse.
Bond: Unusually small for a Nymphalis polychloris.
M: I wasn´t aware that your expertise included lepidoptery. Anyway, what are you doing here?
Bond: Genealogy, sir. Fascinating subject. In the offices of Gebruder Gumbold, solicitors in Switzerland, I found… this.
(Bond hands M a folded paper, which M examines thoughtfully.)
M: Hmmm. I see.
Bond: I hoped you’d find it as fascinating as I did, sir.
M: (Studies the paper closely.) Fascinating indeed.
Bond: I’m glad you agree, sir.
M: Oh, yes.
(M unfolds the paper in front of Bond.)
Bond: Ah-
M: This is the centrefold of last month’s “Playboy”.
Bond: But, sir-
M: And you came across this in a solicitor’s office in Switzerland?
Bond: Yes, but-
M: Now, I admit this is definitely fascinating.
Bond: Yes, sir, but you see-
M: And you brought this all the way back here just to show me?
Bond: Not exactly, sir, I-
M: Well, thank you, 007, but I fail to see exactly why you felt this so important.
Bond: Well, sir, I also found-
M: Let me guess- the centrefold of “Penthouse”? A few pages from “Big Boobs Weekly”?
Bond: Oh, that’s weekly now? I thought it was still monthly. But sir-
M: Enough, 007. Go back on leave and don’t disturb me again until you’ve found evidence of where Blofeld is!
Bond: But sir-
M: Out, 007. Now.
Bond: (Crestfallen, he turns to go.) Yes, sir.
M: Oh, and 007?
Bond: Yes, sir?
M: Just leave that centrefold.
(The Broccoli limousine.)
BB: I dreaded this, caught in traffic.
MGW: Yeah, me too. The only consolation is that the Queen and Prince Philip will be caught in the traffic, too.
BB: Ha! She has outriders who move the traffic aside so she can get through! Face it, Michael, they’re gonna get there first!
MGW: Oh Lord, so what do we do?
BB: No worries, I asked Dame Judi to take charge till we get there- you know we can trust her.
MGW: (Breathes sigh of relief.) Well, that’s all right, then. (Sudden moment of horror.) Until they get to…
BB: Oh God, you’re right. Driver! Do your best!
(The Royal limousine.)
The Queen: Now, remember what I told you, Philip.
The Duke: (Grumbling.) Yes, I’ll be polite and say as little as possible.
The Queen: That’s it.
The Duke: But, dammit, Elizabeth, couldn’t we have sent Charles and Camilla to take our place?
The Queen: What? Not so soon after… well, you know what. We have to be seen to do this ourselves.
(Outside the theatre, they are met by Dame Judi Dench.)
The Queen: Good evening, Dame Judi.
Judi: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Queen: How pleasant to see you again, but where are Mr & Mrs Broccoli?
Judi: Er… they’ll be here shortly, ma’am, I’m sure. May I present our director, Mr Michael Apted?
The Queen: Of course. Good evening, Mr Apted.
Michael: A pleasure, ma’am.
The Duke: Director, eh? What films have you made that I would know?
Michael: Well, you might know my series where I follow children through their growing up- “7 Up”, “14 Up”, “21 Up” and so forth.
The Duke: Ah, so this is “007 Up”?
Michael: (Trying to pretend he hasn’t heard this joke a million times before.) Er, you might say that, Your Highness.
(The Broccoli limousine arrives, and MGW and BB get out. They thank Dame Judi, then take over.)
MGW: May I present our James Bond, Mr Pierce Brosnan?
The Queen: Of course. Good evening, Mr Brosnan.
Pierce: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Duke: So, what have you been in since your last Bond film, Brosnan?
Pierce: Well, I was in “The Thomas Crown Affair”.
The Duke: Oh yes, I remember, with Rene Russo. She has a lovely pair of-
The Queen: Philip!
MGW: Our villain, Mr Robert Carlyle.
The Duke: Oh, yes, I saw you in that film, oh what was it called… “The Full Monty”?
Robert: Yes, sir, I was in that one.
The Duke: Well, I hope you’re keeping your clothes on in this one.
Robert: Oh yes, sir.
BB: (Gulping nervously.) Next, Your Majesty, Is Miss Denise Richards.
The Queen: Good even-
Denise: Hi, Queen!
(BB facepalms.)
The Queen: Er, hello, Miss Rich-
Denise: You must be very pleased to meet me, I mean, I’m very pleased to meet you.
The Queen: That’s very nice-
Denise: I mean, you must have a really great time being the Queen. How did you get the job?
(MGW and BB exchange horrified looks before both simultaneously facepalm.)
The Queen: One was born to it.
The Duke: Yes, and I have to-
Denise: Oh, you’re Prince Charles, aren’t you?
(The Queen rolls her eyes.)
The Duke: No, I’m his father.
Denise: Oh yes, you were involved in that thing with Princess Diana in Par-
(Six large men in sunglasses appear from nowhere and, grabbing Denise by the elbows, remove her from the line-up.)
MGW: Next, ma’am, is Mr Michael Kitchen.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Kitchen.
Kitchen: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Queen: And which part do you play?
Kitchen: Bill Tanner, ma’am.
The Queen: Bill Tanner?
The Duke: Michael Kitchen?
(The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, and shrug before moving along. Michael sighs.)
BB: Next, ma’am, is Mr Colin Salmond.
The Queen: How nice. And which part do you play, Mr Salmond?
Colin: Charles Robinson, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Charles Robinson?
The Duke: Colin Salmond?
(The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, shrug, and move on. Colin sighs.)
MGW: Perhaps we should go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.
Ahh, Rene Russo in The Thomas Crown Affair ;%
Nice! Barbel treats Denise Richards like Fox Business anchors treat voting machine companies. Hope you have your solicitor on speed-dial!
1985. (Alaska. Two radar operators work at their screen.)
Timmy: Hey, Charlie, look at that.
Charlie: Good God, what’s that?
Timmy: I don’t know…
Charlie: Is it a submarine? Maybe the Russians are invading! We have to tell Sarah Palin!
Timmy: No, it’s too small for a submarine.
Charlie: Whales?
Timmy: I don't think they have the technology yet. Russia would be more likely.
Charlie: No, not Wales, you twerp. Is it a whale?
Timmy: Oh! No, it’s going in a straight line directly for our bay. It’s definitely man-made.
Charlie: Perhaps it's Acme Pollution Inspection? I heard they were cleaning up the world, and looking for a suitable place to start.
Timmy: Only one way to find out...
(They rush down to the bay and stare out, as something on the horizon slowly heads towards them. A dark-haired man sits on the dock of the bay, wasting time, and drinking from a bottle of wine.)
Charlie: (Turning to the man sitting on the dock of the bay.) Your name wouldn’t be Otis, would it?
Man: No, it’s Victor.
(All three men turn to stare at the approaching object. As it draws near, they can see that it's white, and appears to be covered in snow.)
Timmy: An iceberg???
Charlie: An iceberg with an engine???
Timmy: You sure it isn't the Russians?
(The iceberg draws to a halt, ready to tie up to the side. A hatch opens in the top, revealing a Union Jack. A suave, handsome man appears through it. The sound of a mellow Beach Boys ballad drifts from the interior. The dark-haired man looks at his bottle of wine, shakes his head, and thrusts the bottle firmly away.)
Bond: Good evening, gentlemen- you were expecting someone else?
(A slim hand holding what appears to be a glass of champagne reaches up through the hatch, scarlet nails flashing against the wintery sky. The handsome man looks down, glances back up briefly at Charlie and Timmy, smiles broadly and retreats back into the iceberg, pulling the hatch firmly down behind him. The Beach Boys, muted now, drift into another number as the engine purrs to life, and the iceberg drifts slowly away again.)
Charlie: Nope, I don't think it's the Russians...
It's great when someone thinks: "I wonder what happened next.....?"
Harry: So, the Disco Volante has blown up, Bond and Domino have jumped safely into the water-
Terence: What about the scientist guy?
Harry: No-one will notice that!
Cubby: And Bond and Domino are in their little boat.
Kevin: Yeah, but we need just one more thing to finish off with.
Cubby: One more thing?
Kevin: One final “kick” before the audience leaves.
Harry: How about M is in a submarine and it comes up from under where Bond and Domino are just beginning to make out? M orders Moneypenny to tell Bond to come below, and she says “It’ll be a pleasure, sir” because she knows she’s interrupting him and the girl!
Cubby: That’s good!
Terence: Don’t think so…
Kevin: Nah…
(Cubby and Harry exchange looks. Cubby silently mouths the words “Next time” and Harry nods.)
Terence: How about their boat is picked up by a destroyer, and M and others catch Bond and Domino in the act, as it were? M can look horrified and say “007!” and Bond can say he’s just keeping the British end up!
Harry: Nah…
Kevin: Nah…
(Cubby scribbles that one in his notebook for future use.)
Kevin: Look, how about they get whisked up quickly in the air into a plane flying high overhead?
Harry: What?
Terence: I like that one.
Cubby: Nobody’s ever done that before.
Kevin: Yeah, and it’ll be a dark night before anyone tries to do it again!
MGW: Thank you all for coming. My sister Barbara and I would like to introduce you to our James Bond, Mr Daniel Craig.
(Craig enters to applause.)
1st Reporter: Your fourth James Bond film, Mr Craig?
Craig: Yes, my fourth.
2nd Reporter: Will you be driving an Aston Martin?
Craig: Yes, I will. Two, in fact, though not at the same time.
(Polite laughter.)
BB: Our leading lady, Mlle Lea Seydoux.
(Lea enters to applause.)
3rd Reporter: Would you say your part is Bond’s equal?
(Other reporters hide sniggers.)
Lea: Yes, I would very much say so.
1st Reporter: Ah, so Bond won’t be saving you from the villain at the end of the film then?
Lea: (Trapped.) ...er.. you’ll just have to see the film and find out.
MGW: May I present Herr Christoph Waltz?
(Christoph enters to applause.)
2nd Reporter: So you’re playing the villain, then, Herr Waltz?
Christoph: That’s something you’ll need to watch the film for.
4th Reporter: The rumours are that you’ll be playing Ernst Stavro Blofeld- I mean, they’ve got the rights now and the film is called “Spectre”.
Christoph: Oh no, I’m playing a character called Franz Oberhauser.
1st Reporter: So not Blofeld at all, then?
Christoph: No, not at all.
4th Reporter: You’re definitely not playing Blofeld then?
Christoph: No, I’m not.
2nd Reporter: Did it take a long time for the make-up people to put the scar on your eye?
Christoph: No, it only took… damn.
(Reporters happily scribble "Waltz plays Blofeld".)
BB: (Quickly.) Playing Mr Hinx is Dave Bautista.
(Dave enters to applause.)
3rd Reporter: Have you got a lot of dialogue in the film, Mr Bautista?
Dave: Oh yes, pages and pages of it. Took me forever to memorise it.
2nd Reporter: And do you fight James Bond?
Dave: No, not at all. We get on famously in the film.
1st Reporter: Hmmm…
MGW: And singing our title song is Sam Smith.
(The reporters all turn to leave.)
BB: Hey, where are you going? Don’t you want to ask any questions?
1st Reporter: No fear, we’re all afraid Sam might start singing!
... along with the 'scar on the eye' gag!
1981. Royal Premiere of “For Your Eyes Only”.
(The Royal limousine.)
The Duke: I wonder if that huge fellow with the steel teeth will be in this one again, eh?
The Queen: One never knows.
The Duke: And last time it was all about stealing space shuttles, and the one before was about stealing submarines. What d’you think it’ll be this time, London taxis?
The Queen: Again, Philip, one will just have to wait and see.
(The limousine draws up at the theatre, and the Royal couple emerge.)
The Queen: How nice to see you again, Mr Asparagus.
Cubby: Er… and to see you, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Hope you’ve got a good one for us tonight, Tubby.
Cubby: (Fixed smile.) I think so, sir. May I present our James Bond, Mr Roger Moore?
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Moore. To use a line you’ve heard before, I’ve been expecting you.
Roger: (Charming smile.) As long as you weren’t expecting Sean Connery, Your Majesty.
The Duke: I hope you remember this time not to punch the big fellow Jaws in the mouth, Moore, like you did in the last two films.
Roger: He’s not actually in this one, sir.
The Duke: Really? Hope there’s some good baddies, then!
Roger: I don’t think you’ll be disappointed, Your Highness.
The Duke: How about that Blofeld chap? We haven’t seen him for a while, hope he’s back.
MGW: ...er… perhaps we should move on, Cubby?
Cubby: Of course. Can I introduce you to Topol, who I believe you’ve met before?
The Queen: Ah, of course, hello Mr Topol.
Topol: A pleasure as always, ma’am.
The Duke: Still fiddling on that damn roof, eh, Tipple?
Topol: ...er… yes, sir, I do still enjoy playing the part on stage from time to time.
The Duke: Been up to anything recently?
Topol: Well, I was in “Flash Gordon”, you might have seen that?
The Duke: Oh yes, “Flesh Gordon”, I definitely …. er...have never seen that film. In fact I’ve never heard of it. No, absolutely not.
The Queen: Philip! (Turning back to Roger) Weren't you in that one too, Roger? Prince something-or-other?
Roger: (Smile now slightly strained.) No, ma'am, I think that was Timothy Dalton.
The Duke: Ahh yes, the dashing Prince!
The Queen: Not too many of those about, eh Roger?
Cubby: May I introduce you to our leading lady, Ms Carole Bouquet?
Carole: A pleasure, Your Majesty.
The Duke: What have I seen you in, my dear?
Carole: “That Obscure Object Of Desire”?
The Duke: Ahh, I think I saw that one, with Ron Jeremy wasn't it?
The Queen: Philip!
Carole: No, Your Highness, it's a Luis Bunuel film about an aging Lothario and his frustrated desires for an ultimately unavailable young woman.
The Queen: Philip, we can watch it together, eh? Sounds perfect.
Cubby: Next, ma’am, is Mr Julian Glover.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Glover, and which part do you play?
Julian: I play Kristatos, ma’am.
The Duke: Kristatos! Good Greek name, that. I assume you play a dashing hero then?
Julian: No, Your Highness- the villain.
The Queen: Fancy that!
The Duke: And which films might we have seen you in?
Julian: Perhaps “Antony and Cleopatra”, sir?
The Duke: No, I don’t know that one.
Julian: Then maybe “Quatermass And The Pit”?
The Duke: (Thinks a bit.) No, don’t know that one either.
Julian: (A bit proudly.) Then surely “The Empire Strikes Back”, sir.
The Duke: “The Empire Strikes Back”? Never heard of it.
Julian: Ah….
The Duke: War movie, is it? I like the sound of that!
Julian: (Still surprised.) You could say that, sir.
The Queen: Is that the one with Harrison Ford? Or is one thinking of that fellow Indiana Jones?
The Duke: Heh, Mr Glover, perhaps you, Jones and James Bond could go off on some kind of crusade together? I'd go and see that one!
Cubby: Next, Your Majesty, is Mr James Villiers.
The Queen: How nice, and which part do you play, Mr Villiers?
James: Bill Tanner, ma’am.
The Queen: Bill Tanner?
The Duke: James Villiers?
(The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, shrug, and move on. James sighs.)
Cubby: May I introduce you to our new director, John Glen?
The Duke: I hear that some of this one was filmed in Corfu, Glen. Good show!
John: Yes, Your Highness, we filmed in Corfu Town, Meteora and Achilleion.
The Duke: I imagine it was a joy working with the locals?
John: Yes, Your Highness, apart from the monks who kept washing their dirty laundry in public.
The Queen: Heaven forbid that should ever happen to us, Philip.
The Duke: And what was the highlight for you, Glen?
John: The car chase- ending with the beat up old banger being a write-off.
The Duke: And Heaven forbid that should ever happen to us too, dear.
Cubby: Perhaps we should go in now, Your Majesty?
The Queen: Yes, perhaps that may be best.
Sergeant: ...so, in your own words, please, just start from the beginning.
Bride: Well, Jean-Paul and I met at college and-
Sergeant: No, there’s no need to go that far back. It was the day of your wedding and…?
Bride: We had hired a great boat, with a glass roof. It was so beautiful, just like I had always wanted it to be, and there was a band, and there were-
Sergeant: Please, just tell me how this man interrupted your wedding.
Bride: Our boat was just passing under a bridge. The band had finished playing “Good Morning Paris Town” and moved on to a different tune, one which I think I recognised-
Sergeant: Please, the man?
Bride: He came crashing through the roof of the boat and landed straight on our wedding cake! Oh, I had dreamt so much of the cake and how it would-
Sergeant: Please, tell me about the man.
Bride: He landed on the cake, and then came out of it looking, I don’t know, maybe thirty years older?
Sergeant: Hmm...
Bride: And then he handed me a piece of the cake- my own cake! It had taken so long to get the cake exactly the way I-
Sergeant: Please, madamoiselle-
Bride: (Happily.) Oh, it’s “madame” now, see?
(Proudly shows off her ring.)
Sergeant: Yes, of course. But the man…?
Bride: And he said “Congratulations”.
Sergeant: Congratulations?
Bride: Yes, that’s all.
Sergeant: A Frenchman would have said “Felicitations”- did he sound English?
Bride: Definitely.
Sergeant: I see.
Bride: I must telephone my cousin in Louisiana- she thought she had a terrible wedding with speedboats crashing through it, but I can top her now!
Secretary: Telephone call for you, Dr Wain.
Dr Wain: Did you get a name?
Secretary: Yes, it seems to be a Mr Em.
Dr Wain: Mr Em? Strange name.
Secretary: Shall I put it through?
Dr Wain: Yes, please…. Hello?
M: Ah hello, is that Dr Wain?
Dr Wain: Yes, is this...er, Mr Em?
M: Yes, that’s right. I’m, ah, with the government, and I’d like to send one of our men over for some detoxification and general toning-up.
Dr Wain: (Writing on a pad.) I see, and the name?
M: Bond. James Bond.
Dr Wain: (Writing.) James Bond… that name sounds familiar.
M: I believe he did attend your clinic some years earlier, you might recall?
Dr Wain: Bond! Yes, I remember!
M: Oh good, then I-
Dr Wain: He was responsible for one broken window, the ruination of my patented spine-stretching apparatus, and a large cleaning bill for one of my Turkish baths! Not to mention one of my most valued staff wandering dreamily around with a big smile on her face for at least a week before I could get any serious work out of her.
M: Well, that was before my time, and I’m sure you were adequately recompensed for any damage caused.
Dr Wain: There’s more to this than money, Mr Em. I have the reputation of my clinic to maintain, and those incidents did deter many of my clients from returning.
M: That was twenty years ago, Dr Wain. I’m sure Mr Bond will cause you no trouble, he’s mainly involved with teaching these days.
Dr Wain: No! Never again!
M: You should never say that, Dr Wain.