1962
Maurice Binder: Right, Bob, just walk on right to left and shoot the gun when I say “shoot”.
Bob Simmons: Sure, Maurice.
Maurice: Right- action! (Bob walks on right to left.)
Maurice: Shoot! (Bob shoots the gun.)
Bob: How was that, Maurice?
Maurice: Hmm, not sure- try it again, and this time wear a hat.
1965.
Maurice: Right, Sean, just walk on and shoot the gun when I say “shoot”.
Sean: Shure, Mauriche, but I jusht don’t shee why we can’t jusht ushe the one we’ve got.
Maurice: Because we’ve gone widescreen for this film, Sean, we have to reshoot the gunbarrel.
Sean: (Glumly.) Ok, if you shay sho.
1969.
Maurice: Well, George, I’m sure you know what we’re up to here. You walk on right to left and shoot the gun when I say say “shoot”.
George: No problem, Maurice.
Maurice: Right then- action! (George walks on.)
Maurice: Shoot! (George walks straight back off again.)
George: How was that, Maurice?
Maurice: We’re going to do that again, and this time remember to turn and shoot the gun when I say “shoot”, ok?
George: Oh, right.
1973.
Maurice: Right, Roger, are you ready?
Roger: Of course, Maurice.
Maurice: Right- action! (Roger walks on right to left.)
Maurice: Shoot! (Roger drops his trousers.)
Maurice: Aargh!
Roger: How was that?
1977.
Maurice: Right, Roger, we have to shoot the gunbarrel again because we’ve gone widescreen again, okay?
Roger: Of course, Maurice.
Maurice: And this time, no fooling around- do not drop your trousers.
Roger: Wouldn’t dream of it.
Maurice: Right- action! (Roger walks on right to left.)
Maurice: Shoot! (Roger drops his trousers.)
Maurice: Roger, you said you wouldn’t do that!
Roger: And you believed me.
1987.
Maurice: Right, Timothy, you have to walk on right to left and shoot the gun when I say “shoot”, ok?
Timothy: But Maurice, what’s my motivation? Who am I shooting? Do I dislike him? Do I hate him, or what?
Maurice: Timothy, just shoot the gun, ok?
Timothy: Do I know this character I’m shooting? Do we have a backstory? I mean, I have to understand why I’m shooting the gun at him.
1995.
Daniel Kleinman: Ok, Pierce, you walk on from right to-
Pierce: Daniel, I thnk I’ve got the gist of this.
Daniel: Alright then- action! (Pierce walks on and shoots the gun.)
Daniel: Perfect. How did you know exactly what I wanted?
Pierce: I’ve been practicing my whole life.
2006.
Daniel Kleinman: So, Daniel, you pick up the gun and turn and shoot straight into the camera, all right?
Daniel Craig: Yes, I’ve got that.
Kleinman: Ok then- action! (Craig picks up the gun, turns, and shoots straight into camera.)
Kleinman: Perfect! Thank you!
Craig: But I don’t understand- I thought I was to walk from right to left, then turn and shoot when you say “shoot”!
Kleinman: Trust me, this time it’s different.
2008.
Kleinman: So, this time Daniel, you walk from right to left then turn and shoot when I say “shoot”, got it?
Craig: (Doubtfully.) If you say so…
Kleinman: Ok then- action! (Craig walks from right to left and turns and shoots when Kleinmann cues him.)
Kleinman: Again, Daniel, but faster!
Craig: Faster?
Kleinman: Yes, faster! (Craig does the walk and shoot again, really fast.)
Craig: Is that fast enough?
Kleinman: Oh, I can always speed it up, I suppose.
If anyone ever wanted an introduction to the personalities behind the different actors who played Bond - and, behind the scenes, one or two Directors - this is it ) ) )
1969. A large, darkened room, furnished only with a large desk, at the head of which sits a man in semi-darkness. Dozens of figures, also in shadow, sit at the desk or stand behind their counterparts. The man at the head of the table speaks.
Comte de Bleauchamp: ... OK. Next item on the agenda: recruitment.
(Voice from the back): Ahh, Comte, it's Janet from HR here.
Comte: HR? We have HR?
Janet: Yes, Comte. I recently joined from Quantum, several imaginary conversations back. SPECTRE is also an equal opportunities employer, and we need to make sure you're complying with all current and future legislation.
Comte: Oh God. (Pauses.) Where was I? Oh yes - recruitment. I've devised a foolproof plan to bring the world to its collective knees, and we need to recruit 'Angels of Death': a bevy of beautiful girls...
Janet: Ahem.
Comte: (Pausing.) Ahem?
Janet: You can't recruit girls, you must recruit women.
Comte: Ok, we need to recruit a bevy of beautiful women...
Janet: Tut.
Comte: I'm sorry?
Janet: You can't just recruit women - you can only recruit persons.
Comte: Persons??
Janet: Yes. You can't recruit 'girls', that's ageist. And you can't recruit just women, that's sexist.
Comte: Oh God. (Pauses.) Ok, I need to recruit several 'Persons'. They need to be beautiful, impressionable, be able to gain access to key agricultural hotspots, discreetly apply perfume...
Janet: (Tutting.) Oh no, no, no, Comte! That would unduly prejudice a large section of the potential workforce and breach all sorts of rules and regulations! (She unfolds a piece of paper from her pocket.). Look, I've prepared something, why don't we use this? "Secret organisation seeks angel-persons of death of either sex. Travel to agricultural hotspots an advantage but Working from Home will not disadvantage the successful applicants. Prior experience, age, appealing looks, familiarity with beauty products including atomisers not an issue. Mild allergies an advantage but health insurance and full benefits provided."
Comte: (Burying his head in his hands.) Irma! Get me my medication! Do we have a vaccination against the modern world?
1963. (Royal Premiere of “From Russia With Love”.)
The Royal limousine.
The Duke: Didn’t we go to see this James Bond film just last year?
The Queen: This is a different one, Philip, they plan on making a long series.
The Duke: Oh God, Liz, do we have to keep doing this? We have to talk to those awful producers, now what were their names…?
The Queen: Don’t worry, Philip, I have a small aide-memoire with me. (Her Majesty produces a small notebook.)
The Queen: Here we are. (Reads.) “Saltzman- the little one, Broccoli- the big one”. See? Quite simple, really.
At the theatre.
Harry: Now I get to greet her first, remember?
Cubby: As long as you remember to introduce me.
Harry: Why Cubby, do you think I would neglect to do that?
Cubby: Listen you- oh, here they are now. (The limousine arrives, and out step the Royal couple.)
The Queen: Good evening, gentlemen.
Harry: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Mr Saltzman, isn’t it?
Harry: (Happy she remembers his name.) Yes, ma’am, very pleased to see you here. (There is a pause. Cubby kicks Harry’s ankle.)
Harry: (Muttering.) And this is my partner, Mr Broccoli.
Cubby: Good evening, Your Majesty. May I present our James Bond, Mr Sean Connery?
The Queen: How nice to see you again, Mr Connery.
Sean: Alwaysh a pleashure, Your Majeshty.
The Duke: And will you be playing James Bond again, Connery?
Sean: Oh yesh, shir. Ash long ash the little one makesh it worth my while.
The Duke: (Whispering to the Queen) Have you been sharing notes from your little black book, dear?
Harry: This is Mr Robert Shaw, ma’am, he plays our villain Red Grant.
The Queen: Oh yes, of course, how are you Mr Shaw?
Robert: I’m well thank you, Your Majesty.
The Queen: The villain in that last film had very unusual hands, Mr Shaw – metal pincers if I recall correctly. Will you have any such idiosyncrasies?
Robert: No ma’am, although I wouldn’t have been opposed to some form of prosthetic to signal the character’s intentions and make him seem larger than life.
The Duke: I gather you were in that play on Broadway last year, Shaw, with that funny little man – what’s his name?
Robert: Do you mean Donald Pleasence, Your Highness?
The Duke: That’s the fellow. A serious actor. Wouldn’t catch him in one of these ‘spy capers’ and sporting some ridiculous prosthetic, eh, Shaw?
Cubby: This is our leading lady, Miss Daniela Bianchi.
Daniella: It’s an honour, your Royal Highnesses.
The Duke: Va-va-voom!
The Queen: Philip!
The Duke: (Quickly.) I meant, ah, va-va… Vavra’s Camp – will you be appearing in that scene eh, Miss Bianchi? I was reading about it in a magazine which had a short story by Fleming…
The Queen: (Cutting in.) Miss Bianchi, one understands that you are Italian, but you are playing a Russian in this film. Was it difficult to get the accent right?
Daniella: Si – I mean, yes, I practised very hard, Your Majesty, and I can’t wait for everyone to hear my delivery when I watch the film… (Cubby and Harry suddenly develop fits of coughing.)
Harry: (Exchanging glances with Cubby.) Ahem, moving swiftly on, Your Highnesses… our author, Mr Ian Fleming.
The Queen: Ah, hello again Mr Fleming.
Ian: Always a pleasure, Your Majesty.
The Queen: One was pleased to see the title of your most recent book- very patriotic!
Ian: The least I could do, ma’am.
The Duke: Ah, Fleming- what was the name of that magazine with your short story, Hildebrand something-or-other?
Ian: That would be Playboy, Your Royal Highness.
The Duke: Ye… ah, no I must be thinking of some other magazine…
The Queen: (Cutting in quickly again.): Will you perhaps be coming to visit us at the Palace sometime soon, Mr Fleming? Join us for tea?
Ian: I’m afraid not, Your Majesty– tea is a cup of mud, the opium of the masses. I’d much prefer …
The Queen: … something made with three measures of Gordon’s gin, one of vodka, and half a measure of Kina Lillet, shaken and not stirred?
Fleming: (Pleasantly surprised that ER knows his drink recipe.) That would be very welcome, ma’am.
The Queen: (With a wink.) I’ll see what I can do.
Cubby: Our composer, Mr John Barry.
The Queen: Oh yes. One enjoyed that song from the first movie, now what was it…? Oh yes, “Underneath The Mango Tree”.
John: Yes ma’am, but that was by Mon… Monty Nor...(The words stick in his throat.)
The Queen: Ah well, I’m sure I shall enjoy the song from this film just as much.
John: (Eyes downward.) I hope so, Your Majesty.
Harry: Perhaps we should go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.
1974. (Eon HQ, under the Russian Embassy in Istanbul.)
Cubby: (Opening a letter.) Ah, I see Britt Ekland has agreed to play Mary Goodnight in our movie.
MGW: Excellent, glad to hear it.
Cubby: I suppose we’d better tell Harry. Michael, would you mind…?
MGW: Of course not, Cubby. (MGW goes to the next office.)
MGW: Harry, Cubby says we’ve got Britt Ekland for Mary Goodnight.
Harry: You tell that ******* ******* that she should play Andrea, not Mary.
MGW: Yes, Harry, no problem. (Michael goes back to Cubby’s office.)
MGW: Cubby, Harry says that she should play Andrea instead.
Cubby: Go and tell that stupid **** I want Maud Adams for Andrea.
MGW: Sure, will do. (MGW returns to Harry’s office.)
MGW: Harry, Cubby says he wants Maud Adams for Andrea.
Harry: You go tell that worthless piece of **** that’s the worst ******* idea I’ve ever heard in my ******* life.
MGW: I’ll do that, Harry. (He goes back to Cubby’s office.)
MGW: Cubby, Harry says he doesn’t want to do that.
Cubby: You go tell him that he can [Censored by Barbel.] and [Censored by Barbel.] and then [Censored by Barbel.]
MGW: Yes, Cubby, of course. (MGW goes back to Harry’s office.)
MGW: Harry, Cubby says he thinks it would be a really good idea to have Britt as Mary and Maud as Andrea.
Harry: Go and tell him to take his stupid ******* idea and [Censored by Barbel.]
MGW: Certainly, Harry.
Harry: And stop eyeing up my office! Anyone would think you were planning on re-decorating it one day!
MGW: Oh no, Harry. Definitely not.
Harry: Good.
MGW (Under his breath, as he leaves.) That’ll be Barbara’s job….
Sean: I’m not doing it.... I’m shhhscared of shhhspiders.
Terence: It’s only for a few seconds, most of the time you’ll be under a pane of glass
Sean: No way that thing is shhhitting on my shhhhoulder!
Terence: No it won’t do that, they do their business underground...(Suddenly realising)... Ah, sitting on your shoulder, I see what you mean.
Sean: Get Bob Shimmons to do it.
Terence: Bob! Bob! Over here!! (Waving frantically)
Bob: What now?
Terence: Sean can’t work with the tarantula, we need you in bed now for the close-ups.
Bob: Look, Terence, I do all the Bond stunts, I’m the Bond body double, I’ve done the gunbarrel as Bond, why the hell didn’t you just hire me to be Bond! You don’t want me to double for you in the love scenes do you, Sean?
Sean: (grinning) No, Bob, I’m ok with kisssshhing girls.
Bob: I want extra money.....this is going to be A Night To Remember, it’s No Time To Die.
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
19th February, 2021. (Eon HQ, behind a Japanese fishing village.)
BB: (Examining her phone.) Oh dear. Michael, this is bad news.
MGW: What is it, Barbara?
BB: The Queen has stripped Harry and Meghan of all their Royal duties, with immediate effect.
MGW: Oh, yes. You’re right, this is bad news.
BB: We had the Queen and the Duke all set up for our first “No Time To Die” release date, then Charles and Camilla for the second, William and Kate for the third, and Harry and Meghan for the fourth. And now they’re not doing it. Who can be there for our premiere, then?
MGW: If we didn't keep changing the date, we wouldn't have these problems.
BB: Don't start all that again.
MGW: Can’t we just ask for the Queen and the Duke again?
BB: The Royal family don’t operate like a taxi firm, Michael. After this many changes of date they might be a little peeved.
MGW: We could ask Edward and Sophie?
BB: Don’t be silly, Michael, let’s stay on the A-list.
MGW: Leaving aside Royals, what about Boris and Carrie?
BB: We want to attract the public, not drive them away.
MGW: Then I’m afraid there’s only one solution.
BB: Who’s that?
MGW: Marcus Rashford. Where he leads, the public follow.
BB: You’re right! Marcus Rashford it is!
Sean: I’m not doing it.... I’m shhhscared of shhhspiders.
Terence: It’s only for a few seconds, most of the time you’ll be under a pane of glass
Sean: No way that thing is shhhitting on my shhhhoulder!
Terence: No it won’t do that, they do their business underground...(Suddenly realising)... Ah, sitting on your shoulder, I see what you mean.
Sean: Get Bob Shimmons to do it.
Terence: Bob! Bob! Over here!! (Waving frantically)
Bob: What now?
Terence: Sean can’t work with the tarantula, we need you in bed now for the close-ups.
Bob: Look, Terence, I do all the Bond stunts, I’m the Bond body double, I’ve done the gunbarrel as Bond, why the hell didn’t you just hire me to be Bond! You don’t want me to double for you in the love scenes do you, Sean?
Sean: (grinning) No, Bob, I’m ok with kisssshhing girls.
Bob: I want extra money.....this is going to be A Night To Remember, it’s No Time To Die.
Pick a year. (A rather splendid hotel in a tropical location.. James Bond enters and walks up to the desk.)
Concierge: Ah, good morning, sir.
Bond: Good morning. I’d like a room, please.
Concierge: But of course. Single or double?
Bond: Double, naturally.
Concierge: (Writing.) And what name shall it be under, sir?
Bond: Bond. James Bond.
Concierge: (Writing.) James Bo- (The manager exits from his office faster than Donald Trump avoiding a tax demand, knocking the concierge out of the way.)
Manager: Bond, James Bond?
Bond: That’s right. Have we met before?
Manager: Indeed we have. The last time you were here a girl landed in the swimming pool from your window, there were machine gun bullet holes in one of the wall beds, a man was shockingly electrocuted in a bath, one of our dancers was knocked unconscious, we found a hat belonging to a small-headed man of limited means who lost a fight with a chicken, and two of the female staff had to have therapy.
Bond: Two? I rather thought it was three...
Manager: Be that as it may, Mr Bond, I must inform you that there is no- (The bar steward appears at the manager’s elbow.)
Bar Steward: Er, sir?
Manager: Not now, TB2, I will see you later.
Bar Steward: Please listen, sir. (Whispers to manager.) Sir, the last time Mr Bond was here our bar takings rose by 1500%, including a record amount of vodka, gin and something called Kina Lillet.
Manager: (Whispering.) Kina what?
Bond: It’s a liqueur made from white wine mixed with fruit liqueurs and flavoured with quinine, actually.
Manager: Please, Mr Bond!
Bar Steward: We also had to order in an entire new supply of Bollinger champagne (very expensive- huge mark-up, sir), after so many young ladies ordered bottles of it sent to their rooms. And many others booked rooms suddenly, just on the off-chance. (Dollar signs begin appearing in the manager’s eyes.)
Manager: I see… (Professional smile.) So, Mr Bond, which room would you like?
Barbara Broccoli: Well, you did just fine in the bedroom scene and were pretty good at the fighting too, so I think I can safely offer you the part of James Bond. Congratulations!
New Bond: Thank you, Ms Broccoli.
BB: And now we-
New Bond: (Happily.) Can I drive the Aston Martin now?
BB: Well, not immediately, first we have to-
New Bond: Can I be driving it in my first scene?
BB: We have to do the pre-credits scene, usually with some amazing stunt or two, then the titles themselves. It should be all right for you to be driving the Aston Martin just after that, I’d think, we’ve done that before.
New Bond: While wearing a tuxedo? I’d love to be wearing a tuxedo while I’m driving the Aston Martin!
BB: ...er… yes, I think that can be arranged. But first we-
New Bond: And drinking a vodka martini, shaken not stirred?
BB: Definitely not. Not while you’re driving. That would send out the wrong message altogether to people watching the film.
New Bond: Well, can I at least smoke a-
BB: And no smoking, either.
New Bond: Well, surely I can hold a Walther PPK then?
BB: Again, not while you’re driving! You will be holding it for the gunbarrel, though.
New Bond: (All excited.) The gunbarrel! Of course! Can I do that first?
BB: (Begins to wonder if she’s picked the right guy after all.) Well, that would depend upon the shooting schedule and-
New Bond: Can I meet the girls? When can I meet the girls?
BB: Look, we haven’t even begun casting yet!
New Bond: Oh.
BB: Look, Idris, just go back to your hotel and I’ll call you, okay?
New Bond: (Glumly.) Okay…
Idris: (Thrashing from side to side in his sleep at home.) Okay… okay… okay… Shaken not stirred… I’ve been expecting you...
Mrs Elba: Idris! Idris! Wake up- you’re having that dream again!
1971. Las Vegas. A stretch of desert, not far from the city limits. Two men stand over the crumpled body of a third.
Wint: If at first you don't succeed, Mr Kidd...
Kidd: Try, try again, Mr Wint. Both men snigger, go about their nefarious business, and depart the scene. Sometime later, a tall, dark man in a dinner suit awakens in a darkened pipeline. Looking around, he massages his head at the waves of pain emanating from a lump brought on by the liberal application of an urn to the cranium. Dinner suit man spots the only other resident of this dark, abandoned place: a rat. He exchanges a few token words with the rat, who squeaks and scampers off. Dinner suit man waits patiently until someone notices that the pipeline is down and comes to fix it.
Sometime later, two men approach the pipeline's inspection hatch.
Charlie: I don't mind the cockamamie machine breaking down twice a day. (He pauses to inspect it.) But why the hell does it always have to be 500 yards away from the nearest hatch?
Timmy (unscrewing the hatch to admit his buddy): All right, Charlie. It's your turn to play hunchback.
Charlie: Thank you very much.
(Charlie hunches over and enters the pipeline. Timmy brushes some sand away from a sign affixed to the pipe, to reveal the wording: "AJB internet pipeline. Warning: bandwidth prone to irregular crashes." Suddenly, Charlie pops back up, and the tall, dark man in the dinner suit pokes his head out of the pipeline, and speaks).
SiCo: I take a break from AJB for five minutes, and now look what happens...
Comments
(Pinewood Studios.)
1962
Maurice Binder: Right, Bob, just walk on right to left and shoot the gun when I say “shoot”.
Bob Simmons: Sure, Maurice.
Maurice: Right- action!
(Bob walks on right to left.)
Maurice: Shoot!
(Bob shoots the gun.)
Bob: How was that, Maurice?
Maurice: Hmm, not sure- try it again, and this time wear a hat.
1965.
Maurice: Right, Sean, just walk on and shoot the gun when I say “shoot”.
Sean: Shure, Mauriche, but I jusht don’t shee why we can’t jusht ushe the one we’ve got.
Maurice: Because we’ve gone widescreen for this film, Sean, we have to reshoot the gunbarrel.
Sean: (Glumly.) Ok, if you shay sho.
1969.
Maurice: Well, George, I’m sure you know what we’re up to here. You walk on right to left and shoot the gun when I say say “shoot”.
George: No problem, Maurice.
Maurice: Right then- action!
(George walks on.)
Maurice: Shoot!
(George walks straight back off again.)
George: How was that, Maurice?
Maurice: We’re going to do that again, and this time remember to turn and shoot the gun when I say “shoot”, ok?
George: Oh, right.
1973.
Maurice: Right, Roger, are you ready?
Roger: Of course, Maurice.
Maurice: Right- action!
(Roger walks on right to left.)
Maurice: Shoot!
(Roger drops his trousers.)
Maurice: Aargh!
Roger: How was that?
1977.
Maurice: Right, Roger, we have to shoot the gunbarrel again because we’ve gone widescreen again, okay?
Roger: Of course, Maurice.
Maurice: And this time, no fooling around- do not drop your trousers.
Roger: Wouldn’t dream of it.
Maurice: Right- action!
(Roger walks on right to left.)
Maurice: Shoot!
(Roger drops his trousers.)
Maurice: Roger, you said you wouldn’t do that!
Roger: And you believed me.
1987.
Maurice: Right, Timothy, you have to walk on right to left and shoot the gun when I say “shoot”, ok?
Timothy: But Maurice, what’s my motivation? Who am I shooting? Do I dislike him? Do I hate him, or what?
Maurice: Timothy, just shoot the gun, ok?
Timothy: Do I know this character I’m shooting? Do we have a backstory? I mean, I have to understand why I’m shooting the gun at him.
1995.
Daniel Kleinman: Ok, Pierce, you walk on from right to-
Pierce: Daniel, I thnk I’ve got the gist of this.
Daniel: Alright then- action!
(Pierce walks on and shoots the gun.)
Daniel: Perfect. How did you know exactly what I wanted?
Pierce: I’ve been practicing my whole life.
2006.
Daniel Kleinman: So, Daniel, you pick up the gun and turn and shoot straight into the camera, all right?
Daniel Craig: Yes, I’ve got that.
Kleinman: Ok then- action!
(Craig picks up the gun, turns, and shoots straight into camera.)
Kleinman: Perfect! Thank you!
Craig: But I don’t understand- I thought I was to walk from right to left, then turn and shoot when you say “shoot”!
Kleinman: Trust me, this time it’s different.
2008.
Kleinman: So, this time Daniel, you walk from right to left then turn and shoot when I say “shoot”, got it?
Craig: (Doubtfully.) If you say so…
Kleinman: Ok then- action!
(Craig walks from right to left and turns and shoots when Kleinmann cues him.)
Kleinman: Again, Daniel, but faster!
Craig: Faster?
Kleinman: Yes, faster!
(Craig does the walk and shoot again, really fast.)
Craig: Is that fast enough?
Kleinman: Oh, I can always speed it up, I suppose.
But this line, ahem, takes the cake. Or, in my case, it spit-takes the cake -- yep, I had to wipe off my screen.
A 15 on a scale of 10. Absolutely stellar! {[]
Couldn‘t have drawn a better pic of how Roger was!
Hilariously accurate and with love and respect :x
Well done, Barbel!
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
I believe Charmed & Dangerous is writing tomorrow's entry, then I'll be back on Thursday.
Comte de Bleauchamp: ... OK. Next item on the agenda: recruitment.
(Voice from the back): Ahh, Comte, it's Janet from HR here.
Comte: HR? We have HR?
Janet: Yes, Comte. I recently joined from Quantum, several imaginary conversations back. SPECTRE is also an equal opportunities employer, and we need to make sure you're complying with all current and future legislation.
Comte: Oh God. (Pauses.) Where was I? Oh yes - recruitment. I've devised a foolproof plan to bring the world to its collective knees, and we need to recruit 'Angels of Death': a bevy of beautiful girls...
Janet: Ahem.
Comte: (Pausing.) Ahem?
Janet: You can't recruit girls, you must recruit women.
Comte: Ok, we need to recruit a bevy of beautiful women...
Janet: Tut.
Comte: I'm sorry?
Janet: You can't just recruit women - you can only recruit persons.
Comte: Persons??
Janet: Yes. You can't recruit 'girls', that's ageist. And you can't recruit just women, that's sexist.
Comte: Oh God. (Pauses.) Ok, I need to recruit several 'Persons'. They need to be beautiful, impressionable, be able to gain access to key agricultural hotspots, discreetly apply perfume...
Janet: (Tutting.) Oh no, no, no, Comte! That would unduly prejudice a large section of the potential workforce and breach all sorts of rules and regulations! (She unfolds a piece of paper from her pocket.). Look, I've prepared something, why don't we use this? "Secret organisation seeks angel-persons of death of either sex. Travel to agricultural hotspots an advantage but Working from Home will not disadvantage the successful applicants. Prior experience, age, appealing looks, familiarity with beauty products including atomisers not an issue. Mild allergies an advantage but health insurance and full benefits provided."
Comte: (Burying his head in his hands.) Irma! Get me my medication! Do we have a vaccination against the modern world?
Do I detect a faint whiff of personal experience here, C&D?
1963. (Royal Premiere of “From Russia With Love”.)
The Royal limousine.
The Duke: Didn’t we go to see this James Bond film just last year?
The Queen: This is a different one, Philip, they plan on making a long series.
The Duke: Oh God, Liz, do we have to keep doing this? We have to talk to those awful producers, now what were their names…?
The Queen: Don’t worry, Philip, I have a small aide-memoire with me.
(Her Majesty produces a small notebook.)
The Queen: Here we are. (Reads.) “Saltzman- the little one, Broccoli- the big one”. See? Quite simple, really.
At the theatre.
Harry: Now I get to greet her first, remember?
Cubby: As long as you remember to introduce me.
Harry: Why Cubby, do you think I would neglect to do that?
Cubby: Listen you- oh, here they are now.
(The limousine arrives, and out step the Royal couple.)
The Queen: Good evening, gentlemen.
Harry: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Mr Saltzman, isn’t it?
Harry: (Happy she remembers his name.) Yes, ma’am, very pleased to see you here.
(There is a pause. Cubby kicks Harry’s ankle.)
Harry: (Muttering.) And this is my partner, Mr Broccoli.
Cubby: Good evening, Your Majesty. May I present our James Bond, Mr Sean Connery?
The Queen: How nice to see you again, Mr Connery.
Sean: Alwaysh a pleashure, Your Majeshty.
The Duke: And will you be playing James Bond again, Connery?
Sean: Oh yesh, shir. Ash long ash the little one makesh it worth my while.
The Duke: (Whispering to the Queen) Have you been sharing notes from your little black book, dear?
Harry: This is Mr Robert Shaw, ma’am, he plays our villain Red Grant.
The Queen: Oh yes, of course, how are you Mr Shaw?
Robert: I’m well thank you, Your Majesty.
The Queen: The villain in that last film had very unusual hands, Mr Shaw – metal pincers if I recall correctly. Will you have any such idiosyncrasies?
Robert: No ma’am, although I wouldn’t have been opposed to some form of prosthetic to signal the character’s intentions and make him seem larger than life.
The Duke: I gather you were in that play on Broadway last year, Shaw, with that funny little man – what’s his name?
Robert: Do you mean Donald Pleasence, Your Highness?
The Duke: That’s the fellow. A serious actor. Wouldn’t catch him in one of these ‘spy capers’ and sporting some ridiculous prosthetic, eh, Shaw?
Cubby: This is our leading lady, Miss Daniela Bianchi.
Daniella: It’s an honour, your Royal Highnesses.
The Duke: Va-va-voom!
The Queen: Philip!
The Duke: (Quickly.) I meant, ah, va-va… Vavra’s Camp – will you be appearing in that scene eh, Miss Bianchi? I was reading about it in a magazine which had a short story by Fleming…
The Queen: (Cutting in.) Miss Bianchi, one understands that you are Italian, but you are playing a Russian in this film. Was it difficult to get the accent right?
Daniella: Si – I mean, yes, I practised very hard, Your Majesty, and I can’t wait for everyone to hear my delivery when I watch the film…
(Cubby and Harry suddenly develop fits of coughing.)
Harry: (Exchanging glances with Cubby.) Ahem, moving swiftly on, Your Highnesses… our author, Mr Ian Fleming.
The Queen: Ah, hello again Mr Fleming.
Ian: Always a pleasure, Your Majesty.
The Queen: One was pleased to see the title of your most recent book- very patriotic!
Ian: The least I could do, ma’am.
The Duke: Ah, Fleming- what was the name of that magazine with your short story, Hildebrand something-or-other?
Ian: That would be Playboy, Your Royal Highness.
The Duke: Ye… ah, no I must be thinking of some other magazine…
The Queen: (Cutting in quickly again.): Will you perhaps be coming to visit us at the Palace sometime soon, Mr Fleming? Join us for tea?
Ian: I’m afraid not, Your Majesty– tea is a cup of mud, the opium of the masses. I’d much prefer …
The Queen: … something made with three measures of Gordon’s gin, one of vodka, and half a measure of Kina Lillet, shaken and not stirred?
Fleming: (Pleasantly surprised that ER knows his drink recipe.) That would be very welcome, ma’am.
The Queen: (With a wink.) I’ll see what I can do.
Cubby: Our composer, Mr John Barry.
The Queen: Oh yes. One enjoyed that song from the first movie, now what was it…? Oh yes, “Underneath The Mango Tree”.
John: Yes ma’am, but that was by Mon… Monty Nor...(The words stick in his throat.)
The Queen: Ah well, I’m sure I shall enjoy the song from this film just as much.
John: (Eyes downward.) I hope so, Your Majesty.
Harry: Perhaps we should go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.
Cubby: (Opening a letter.) Ah, I see Britt Ekland has agreed to play Mary Goodnight in our movie.
MGW: Excellent, glad to hear it.
Cubby: I suppose we’d better tell Harry. Michael, would you mind…?
MGW: Of course not, Cubby.
(MGW goes to the next office.)
MGW: Harry, Cubby says we’ve got Britt Ekland for Mary Goodnight.
Harry: You tell that ******* ******* that she should play Andrea, not Mary.
MGW: Yes, Harry, no problem.
(Michael goes back to Cubby’s office.)
MGW: Cubby, Harry says that she should play Andrea instead.
Cubby: Go and tell that stupid **** I want Maud Adams for Andrea.
MGW: Sure, will do.
(MGW returns to Harry’s office.)
MGW: Harry, Cubby says he wants Maud Adams for Andrea.
Harry: You go tell that worthless piece of **** that’s the worst ******* idea I’ve ever heard in my ******* life.
MGW: I’ll do that, Harry.
(He goes back to Cubby’s office.)
MGW: Cubby, Harry says he doesn’t want to do that.
Cubby: You go tell him that he can [Censored by Barbel.] and [Censored by Barbel.] and then [Censored by Barbel.]
MGW: Yes, Cubby, of course.
(MGW goes back to Harry’s office.)
MGW: Harry, Cubby says he thinks it would be a really good idea to have Britt as Mary and Maud as Andrea.
Harry: Go and tell him to take his stupid ******* idea and [Censored by Barbel.]
MGW: Certainly, Harry.
Harry: And stop eyeing up my office! Anyone would think you were planning on re-decorating it one day!
MGW: Oh no, Harry. Definitely not.
Harry: Good.
MGW (Under his breath, as he leaves.) That’ll be Barbara’s job….
Sean: I’m not doing it.... I’m shhhscared of shhhspiders.
Terence: It’s only for a few seconds, most of the time you’ll be under a pane of glass
Sean: No way that thing is shhhitting on my shhhhoulder!
Terence: No it won’t do that, they do their business underground...(Suddenly realising)... Ah, sitting on your shoulder, I see what you mean.
Sean: Get Bob Shimmons to do it.
Terence: Bob! Bob! Over here!! (Waving frantically)
Bob: What now?
Terence: Sean can’t work with the tarantula, we need you in bed now for the close-ups.
Bob: Look, Terence, I do all the Bond stunts, I’m the Bond body double, I’ve done the gunbarrel as Bond, why the hell didn’t you just hire me to be Bond! You don’t want me to double for you in the love scenes do you, Sean?
Sean: (grinning) No, Bob, I’m ok with kisssshhing girls.
Bob: I want extra money.....this is going to be A Night To Remember, it’s No Time To Die.
On watching the news, this popped into my head-
19th February, 2021. (Eon HQ, behind a Japanese fishing village.)
BB: (Examining her phone.) Oh dear. Michael, this is bad news.
MGW: What is it, Barbara?
BB: The Queen has stripped Harry and Meghan of all their Royal duties, with immediate effect.
MGW: Oh, yes. You’re right, this is bad news.
BB: We had the Queen and the Duke all set up for our first “No Time To Die” release date, then Charles and Camilla for the second, William and Kate for the third, and Harry and Meghan for the fourth. And now they’re not doing it. Who can be there for our premiere, then?
MGW: If we didn't keep changing the date, we wouldn't have these problems.
BB: Don't start all that again.
MGW: Can’t we just ask for the Queen and the Duke again?
BB: The Royal family don’t operate like a taxi firm, Michael. After this many changes of date they might be a little peeved.
MGW: We could ask Edward and Sophie?
BB: Don’t be silly, Michael, let’s stay on the A-list.
MGW: Leaving aside Royals, what about Boris and Carrie?
BB: We want to attract the public, not drive them away.
MGW: Then I’m afraid there’s only one solution.
BB: Who’s that?
MGW: Marcus Rashford. Where he leads, the public follow.
BB: You’re right! Marcus Rashford it is!
"BB: Don't start all that again."
Concierge: Ah, good morning, sir.
Bond: Good morning. I’d like a room, please.
Concierge: But of course. Single or double?
Bond: Double, naturally.
Concierge: (Writing.) And what name shall it be under, sir?
Bond: Bond. James Bond.
Concierge: (Writing.) James Bo-
(The manager exits from his office faster than Donald Trump avoiding a tax demand, knocking the concierge out of the way.)
Manager: Bond, James Bond?
Bond: That’s right. Have we met before?
Manager: Indeed we have. The last time you were here a girl landed in the swimming pool from your window, there were machine gun bullet holes in one of the wall beds, a man was shockingly electrocuted in a bath, one of our dancers was knocked unconscious, we found a hat belonging to a small-headed man of limited means who lost a fight with a chicken, and two of the female staff had to have therapy.
Bond: Two? I rather thought it was three...
Manager: Be that as it may, Mr Bond, I must inform you that there is no-
(The bar steward appears at the manager’s elbow.)
Bar Steward: Er, sir?
Manager: Not now, TB2, I will see you later.
Bar Steward: Please listen, sir. (Whispers to manager.) Sir, the last time Mr Bond was here our bar takings rose by 1500%, including a record amount of vodka, gin and something called Kina Lillet.
Manager: (Whispering.) Kina what?
Bond: It’s a liqueur made from white wine mixed with fruit liqueurs and flavoured with quinine, actually.
Manager: Please, Mr Bond!
Bar Steward: We also had to order in an entire new supply of Bollinger champagne (very expensive- huge mark-up, sir), after so many young ladies ordered bottles of it sent to their rooms. And many others booked rooms suddenly, just on the off-chance.
(Dollar signs begin appearing in the manager’s eyes.)
Manager: I see… (Professional smile.) So, Mr Bond, which room would you like?
Barbara Broccoli: Well, you did just fine in the bedroom scene and were pretty good at the fighting too, so I think I can safely offer you the part of James Bond. Congratulations!
New Bond: Thank you, Ms Broccoli.
BB: And now we-
New Bond: (Happily.) Can I drive the Aston Martin now?
BB: Well, not immediately, first we have to-
New Bond: Can I be driving it in my first scene?
BB: We have to do the pre-credits scene, usually with some amazing stunt or two, then the titles themselves. It should be all right for you to be driving the Aston Martin just after that, I’d think, we’ve done that before.
New Bond: While wearing a tuxedo? I’d love to be wearing a tuxedo while I’m driving the Aston Martin!
BB: ...er… yes, I think that can be arranged. But first we-
New Bond: And drinking a vodka martini, shaken not stirred?
BB: Definitely not. Not while you’re driving. That would send out the wrong message altogether to people watching the film.
New Bond: Well, can I at least smoke a-
BB: And no smoking, either.
New Bond: Well, surely I can hold a Walther PPK then?
BB: Again, not while you’re driving! You will be holding it for the gunbarrel, though.
New Bond: (All excited.) The gunbarrel! Of course! Can I do that first?
BB: (Begins to wonder if she’s picked the right guy after all.) Well, that would depend upon the shooting schedule and-
New Bond: Can I meet the girls? When can I meet the girls?
BB: Look, we haven’t even begun casting yet!
New Bond: Oh.
New Bond: (Glumly.) Okay…
Idris: (Thrashing from side to side in his sleep at home.) Okay… okay… okay… Shaken not stirred… I’ve been expecting you...
Mrs Elba: Idris! Idris! Wake up- you’re having that dream again!
Wint: If at first you don't succeed, Mr Kidd...
Kidd: Try, try again, Mr Wint.
Both men snigger, go about their nefarious business, and depart the scene. Sometime later, a tall, dark man in a dinner suit awakens in a darkened pipeline. Looking around, he massages his head at the waves of pain emanating from a lump brought on by the liberal application of an urn to the cranium. Dinner suit man spots the only other resident of this dark, abandoned place: a rat. He exchanges a few token words with the rat, who squeaks and scampers off. Dinner suit man waits patiently until someone notices that the pipeline is down and comes to fix it.
Sometime later, two men approach the pipeline's inspection hatch.
Charlie: I don't mind the cockamamie machine breaking down twice a day. (He pauses to inspect it.) But why the hell does it always have to be 500 yards away from the nearest hatch?
Timmy (unscrewing the hatch to admit his buddy): All right, Charlie. It's your turn to play hunchback.
Charlie: Thank you very much.
(Charlie hunches over and enters the pipeline. Timmy brushes some sand away from a sign affixed to the pipe, to reveal the wording: "AJB internet pipeline. Warning: bandwidth prone to irregular crashes." Suddenly, Charlie pops back up, and the tall, dark man in the dinner suit pokes his head out of the pipeline, and speaks).
SiCo: I take a break from AJB for five minutes, and now look what happens...