My favourite is the Christopher Lee/ Peter Cushing one, despite its mixed up timelines! But for sassiness it doesn't beat this 1974 real-life quotation of Lee about the Dracula role: "I will NOT play that character anymore. I no longer WISH to do it, I no longer HAVE to do it and I no longer INTEND to do it. It is now part of my professional past, just one of the roles I have played in a total of 124 films!"
The QOS MGW/Babs/Arnold one is also very funny. Having read it I actually listened again to 'No Good About Goodbye' back-to-back with AWTD and... you-know-what? As much as I'm touched by Dame Shirley's performance, I actually prefer...
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
1967. (The Royal Premiere of “You Only Live Twice”.)
Cubby: Now, remember everyone, nobody speaks to the Queen unless she speaks to them first. Everybody got that? (There are mumbles of agreement as the limousine draws up outside the cinema. The Queen steps out, looking radiant, accompanied by the Duke of Edinburgh. Some ladies in waiting follow as she walks up the red carpet towards the line of film-makers.)
Harry: Hi Queen! (Cubby’s eyes roll. The ladies in waiting shoot Harry a death glare that would destroy Alderaan. The Queen continues to smile. Dana Broccoli and MGW quietly draw Harry aside.)
Dana: This way, Harry.
Harry: But…
The Queen: So nice to see you again Mr Feldman, so soon after your last James Bond picture.
Cubby: ...er, yes ma’am.
The Queen: Is Peter Sellers in this one, too? He’s such a favourite of my sister.
Cubby: No, ma’am. May I present to you the star of our picture Mr Sean Connery?
The Queen: Of course, good evening Mr Connery.
Sean: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: I hope we shall see you playing James Bond for many years to come.
Sean: Ha! That will be fuc-
Cubby: Sean!
Sean: Er, shrtangely enough Mr Broccoli and I were dishcushing that very shubject earlier, ishn’t that sho, Cubby?
Cubby: (Looking angrily at Sean and speaking through gritted teeth.) Quite so.
The Duke: Scottish fella, aren’t you?
Sean: That’sh sho, shir.
The Duke: Bet you enjoyed being in Japan, beating up all the bloody for-
The Queen: Philip!
Cubby: May I introduce our leading lady, Miss Mie Hama?
The Queen: Of course. Good evening Miss- (There is a flurry as another beautiful young lady thrusts herself forward.)
Akiko: Hey! I am the leading lady of this film!
Mie: Oh, you think so? You die halfway through and James marries me!
Akiko: Only by him giving false name to priest! And you don’t give any name at all! (There is a storm of flying nails and hair. Cubby subtly leads the Queen onwards.)
Cubby: Our villain, Mr Donald Pleasence.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Pleasence.
Donald: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Hang on- I know your face. Weren’t you in “The Great Escape”?
Donald: Yes, sir, I was there.
The Duke: And you escaped from all those bloody Germa-
The Queen: Philip!
Cubby: This is Mr Charles Gray, who plays British agent Henderson.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Gray.
Charles: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: Do you think you will be in any other James Bond films, Mr Gray?
Charles: An excellent question, ma’am. And one which will be hanging on the lips of the world quite soon. If I were to break the news to anyone it would be you, you know that.
The Queen: Er… yes, of course.
(The Royal party move down the line, ending with Dana Broccoli and children.)
Cubby: My family, ma’am.
The Queen: What an adorable little girl! And how old are you?
BB: I’m seven, ma’am.
The Queen: And what do you want to do when you grow up?
BB: I want to produce movies, just like Daddy. (There is a smattering of polite laughter.)
The Queen: I’m sure you shall! And maybe someday I shall attend one of your premieres.
BB: That’s right ma’am. Maybe someday you shall….
Cubby: Perhaps we should go in now, ma'am.
The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.
Sean: I told you both lasht year, I’ve done my last Bond.
Cubby: You always say that, c’mon we’re offering you 750k, no one gets that for a movie!
Sean: Dino gets more for those Matt Helm films ‘cos he gets a pershentage of the profits, give me 5% and I’ll shign up for life.
Harry: We can’t do that Sean, anyway none of your non-Bond films are exactly tearing up the box office, are they?
Sean: I’m putting pen to paper on a weshtern now!
Cubby: A western? Really? What’s it called?
Sean: Ssshhhalako.
Harry: Anything else?
Sean: A drinks company offered me a sheries of TV adverts but I prished myself out of it, they’re going with William Franklyn now as a Bond schtyle character.
Harry: Which brand?
Sean: Ssscccweppes
Cubby: C’mon Sean sign up for the next one, OHMSS.
Sean: On Her Majeshty’s Shecret Shervice, I like that book, give me my pershentage and I’ll shign
Harry: We can get anyone to play Bond they’ll be queuing up round the block!
Sean: But it’s only me who’s Bond, you even put it on the You Only Live Twishe poster - Connery IS Bond
Harry: Listen, Sean, we could even hire an Aussie used car salesman and we’d still make a fortune!
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
Wade: ...so we thought that this time we could make it personal for Bond…
Purvis: ...but we’ve already used the “wife” figure in Vesper…
Wade: ...and the “mother” figure” in M…
Purvis: ...so we decided that this time we’d go for the “brother” angle.
BB: The “brother” angle?
Wade: Yeah, and since you’ve now got the rights to use Blofeld we thought it would be a great original angle to make him Bond’s brother!
MGW: ...er, Bond’s brother?
Purvis: Well, foster brother. Bond knows Blofeld from way back, when they were boys, rather than just meeting him now.
Wade: And we can work in some real Fleming- Hannes Oberhauser, from “Octopussy”, was a father figure to Bond so we create his son who turns out to be Blofeld!
Mendes: I’m not so sure about this…
Purvis: It’ll be great- before Oberhauser reveals that he’s Blofeld he can say “We’re not so different, you and I, Mr Bond”…
Wade: ...and then reveal that they’re (foster) brothers!
BB: Foster brothers…
MGW: Oberhauser is Blofeld…
Mendes: (Sarcastically.) And I suppose you’d want Michael Caine to play their father?
Purvis/Wade: (Together.) Great idea!
Mendes: Call him, oh, Nigel perhaps....?
Purvis/Wade: Sure!
Mendes: Boys... Neal, Robert... I don’t suppose you’ve heard of the Austin Powers movies?
Wade: Austin Powers?
Purvis: No, we’ve been too busy creating “Johnny English”.
MGW: Well, I don’t know…
BB: I suppose there are some people who wouldn’t connect the ideas…
Purvis: And Blofeld can say that his cat is called Mr Bigglesworth!
Wade: And have a clone, one eighth of his size!
Mendes: No, I think that’s going too far.
BB: (Whispering.) What do you think, Mike?
MGW: (Whispering.) I don’t know…
My favourite is the Christopher Lee/ Peter Cushing one, despite its mixed up timelines! But for sassiness it doesn't beat this 1974 real-life quotation of Lee about the Dracula role: "I will NOT play that character anymore. I no longer WISH to do it, I no longer HAVE to do it and I no longer INTEND to do it. It is now part of my professional past, just one of the roles I have played in a total of 124 films!"
This 1976 film proves only one thing- Never Say Never Again! )
Wade: ...so we thought that this time we could make it personal for Bond…
Purvis: ...but we’ve already used the “wife” figure in Vesper…
Wade: ...and the “mother” figure” in M…
Purvis: ...so we decided that this time we’d go for the “brother” angle.
BB: The “brother” angle?
Wade: Yeah, and since you’ve now got the rights to use Blofeld we thought it would be a great original angle to make him Bond’s brother!
MGW: ...er, Bond’s brother?
Purvis: Well, foster brother. Bond knows Blofeld from way back, when they were boys, rather than just meeting him now.
Wade: And we can work in some real Fleming- Hannes Oberhauser, from “Octopussy”, was a father figure to Bond so we create his son who turns out to be Blofeld!
Mendes: I’m not so sure about this…
Purvis: It’ll be great- before Oberhauser reveals that he’s Blofeld he can say “We’re not so different, you and I, Mr Bond”…
Wade: ...and then reveal that they’re (foster) brothers!
BB: Foster brothers…
MGW: Oberhauser is Blofeld…
Mendes: (Sarcastically.) And I suppose you’d want Michael Caine to play their father?
Purvis/Wade: (Together.) Great idea!
Mendes: Call him, oh, Nigel perhaps....?
Purvis/Wade: Sure!
Mendes: Boys... Neal, Robert... I don’t suppose you’ve heard of the Austin Powers movies?
Wade: Austin Powers?
Purvis: No, we’ve been too busy creating “Johnny English”.
MGW: Well, I don’t know…
BB: I suppose there are some people who wouldn’t connect the ideas…
Purvis: And Blofeld can say that his cat is called Mr Bigglesworth!
Wade: And have a clone, one eighth of his size!
Mendes: No, I think that’s going too far.
BB: (Whispering.) What do you think, Mike?
MGW: (Whispering.) I don’t know…
I think you should make some changes, or EON will realise you've got a microphone in their office!
Agent: Hey, Niv, siddown, I got some great news for ya!
Niven: Really? How splendid.
Agent: I gotta new picture lined up for ya! It's gonna be yuge!
Niven: Pardon me?
Agent: Yuge! Bigger than Ben Hur!
Niven: Huge! Well that sounds most welcome. What can you tell me about it?
Agent: You're starring opposite some of the most talented actors ever. Peter Sellers, Woody Allen and - get this - Orson Welles!
Niven: How perfectly convivial.
Agent: You're also starring with the most beautiful actresses in the world! Dalia Lavi, Barbara Bouchet, Joanna Pettet... we even got Ursula Andress!
Niven: Wonderful!
Agent: And get this... you know you were Ian Fleming's personal choice to play Jimmy Bond... well you're gonna finally get to play him! In Casino Royale, the first Bond novel no less! Whaddya say to all that!!
Niven: How extraordinary. May I see the script?
Agent: Script? You don't need to see no script, Niv baby - with that much talent assembled, what could possibly go wrong?
Linda: So who was on the phone, Paul?
Paul: Oh, that was George.
Linda: Hmm- Ringo phoned yesterday or the night before. I’m wondering if John will phone tomorrow and you guys are getting back together?
Paul: No, no- it was George Martin. He’s writing the score for the new James Bond picture and would like me to write & sing the title song.
Linda: James Bond, eh? I like that Sean Connery!
Paul: No, it’ll be Roger Moore. Sean Connery said never again... again.
Linda: Roger Moore- The Saint? The Persuaders? Mmmm...
Paul: Yeah, I think he’ll be good. Anyway, George wants the song real quick, say by tomorrow, so he can work it into the score.
Linda: Well, dinner’s in half an hour. Do you want a cup of tea before you write the song or after?
Paul: Oh, before, I think. (Linda goes to the kitchen, makes two cups of tea, and returns to find Paul scribbling away.)
Paul: Changed my mind, that’s it ready now.
Linda: That took you longer than normal.
Paul: Yeah, well, I thought I'd do the B-side as well.
GUY HAMILTON: Now, Gert…
GERT FROBE: Ja?
GUY HAMILTON: Just say the lines and don’t worry too much about the pronunciation or accent, OK?
GERT FROBE: Sehr gut.
GUY HAMILTON: Alright then. Take one, cameras rolling…action!
SEAN CONNERY: Do you really expect me to talk?
GERT FROBE: Nein, Herr Bond. Ich erwarte dass du stirbst!
SEAN CONNERY: Huh?
GUY HAMILTON: Cut! No, no, no. You just say your lines perfectly normally, remember?
SEAN CONNERY: (wearily) How could I? This is impossible!
GERT FROBE: (wearily) Wie könnte ich? Das ist unmöglich!
GUY HAMILTON: We’ll fix this mess somehow, guys. Just say the lines and the editor can do the rest.
PETER HUNT: I heard that!
CUBBY BROCCOLI: How’s it going on set, everyone?
JOHN BARRY: But what does "thunderball" even mean, for chrissake? You can't expect me to write a song with a crazy title like that!
CUBBY: John, the studio won't green-light your other number. Their days of asking are all gone... It's got to be "thunderball"!
McCLORY: And besides, Shirley's still threatening to sue if we run with Dionne's version of 'Kiss Kiss'. Her fight goes on and on and on...
HARRY: Damoiselles and danger have filled that number's past...
JOHN BARRY: A pity if it grieves 'em. Okay, so who do we record a *new* song with?
CUBBY: Any woman you want we'll get... subject to Dana's approval.
JOHN BARRY: Let's switch to a male vocal. How about Tom Jones? He knows the meaning of success...
McCLORY: That just leaves this hang-up of yours over the lyrics? Don, Johnny... any ideas?
DON BLACK: Just taking a few notes here. Hmm, let's see. 'He looks at this world and wants it all. And he strikes like...'
JOHNNY CASH: '...Thunderball, your fiery breath can burn the coldest man!' That's it! Yes, siree! Yee-aah!
JOHN BARRY and DON BLACK throw their hands up in despair and faint on Johnny's last note... before returning in short order with a(nother) classic Bond song!
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
1969. (The Swiss Alps. Cubby, Harry, Peter Hunt and Syd Cain (covering for Ken Adam) are location scouting for OHMSS. They are in a cable car ascending a high Alp.)
Harry: This is the fourth one today, I don’t know what you’re looking for, Syd. This one was too high, that one was too low…
Syd: I’ll know it when I see it, Harry.
Cubby: Now remember, guys, not to let them know we’re from James Bond. They’ll put their prices up at least ten times if they know that.
Peter: Sure, Cubby, we’re just a party of businessmen looking to rent a mountaintop restaurant for meetings and so on.
Cubby: Yes, that’s it. We’re just a party of businessmen. Best not to call me “Cubby”, either. (The cable car docks and they get out.)
Manager: Guten Abend, meine Herren.
Harry: Er, hi, do you speak English?
Manager: But of course, sir.
Peter: Would it be possible for us to have a look around before we have some drinks and perhaps a meal?
Manager: Certainly, sir. Under what name shall I put the party?
Harry: The name’s Saltzman- Harry Saltzman. (Cubby, Peter and Syd exchange glances.)
Manager: This way, please. As you can see, we have spectacular views of the Alps from the fine scenic windows.
Syd: Yes, very impressive. (Whispers.) Guys, I think this is just what we’re looking for.
Cubby: And what’s through there?
Manager: That leads to the outdoor curling rink- would you like to see it?
Harry: Sure, why not? You only live twi… er, once. (Peter and Syd start to look worried. Cubby, used to Harry by now, simply rolls his eyes.)
Peter: I like this curling rink.
Syd: Yes, it’s perfect! This will fit in.
Manager: And through this way, gentlemen…. The accommodation. These corridors lead to magnificently outfitted apartments.
Harry: This looks fine. What do you think, Cubby… er, I mean, Albert?
Cubby: Yes, this will do just nicely. May we see the skiing room please?
Manager: But of course, if you’ll just follow me… there you are?
Peter: (Whispers.) This is just perfect!
Syd: (Whispers.) I think we’ve found it!
Cubby: And now we should go to the dining room, I think.
Manager: Certainly.
Harry: We’ll have a table for 007, no wait, I mean for four. (They walk through to the dining room and sit down.)
Manager: Would you like to order drinks, gentlemen?
Peter: A Lowenbrau for me.
Syd: I’ll just have a Cola.
Cubby: Some dry white wine, please?
Harry: I’ll have a vodka martini, shaken not stirred.
Manager: I shall return in a few moments. (Departs.)
Syd: Guys, this is it. This is the perfect location.
Peter: I agree, we won’t find anything better than this.
Cubby: Then we’ll have to start talking money with them soon.
Harry: Good thing they don’t know who we are, eh! (The manager returns with the drinks.)
Manager: Here you are, gentlemen.
Cubby: Thank you. We’d like to enquire about renting the whole place for a few weeks, perhaps a couple of months?
Manager: The whole place? That would be very expensive, but I’m sure you can afford it, since you are, shall we say, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.
Cubby, Peter, Syd: HARRY!!!
Manager: I have been expecting you...
TULA: Try to hold it down and take it slow. And just enjoy the motion. If you just relax and push it back. There is no limitation.
GONZALES' HENCHMAN: Say, you have big hands, honey... and [gulp!] isn't that an adam's apple?
ROGER: Well, I... think he got the point...
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
Roger Spottiswoode: Now, Pierce, you just have to sit there with a vodka waiting to see who Carver will send. You hope, but don’t know for sure, that it will be Paris.
Pierce: Sure, Roger, got that. I just sit with the vodka in my hand, maybe take a sip or two, then she’s in the door.
Roger: That’s it- action! (Pierce moodily takes a sip of the vodka. Teri enters.)
Bond: I was curious who Carver would send.
Paris: He’s on to you.
Bond: Well, we know where you stand.
Roger: Cut! That’s good, but a little slow. Take 2, action! (Pierce less moodily takes another sip of the vodka. Teri enters.)
Bond: I was curious who Carver would send.
Paris: He’s on to you.
Bond: Well, we know where you stand. You made your bed.
Roger: Cut! A bit more life to it, please. Action! (Pierce happily takes a big sip of the vodka. Teri enters.)
Bond: I wash curioush who Carver would shend.
Roger: Cut! Pierce, what’s with the Sean Connery impression? Do it again- action! (Pierce sloppily pours the rest of the vodka down his throat.)
Bond: Carver? Jusht let me get to him! I’ll show that Carver!
Roger: Cut! ….let’s resume tomorrow, everybody.
Hal David: Is he here yet?
John Barry: No, but he’ll be here soon. I’ve been running the orchestra through the track.
Hal: I had to come, this is a proud moment for both of us.
John: Yes, I was so glad he agreed to do it. (The door opens and a frail Louis Armstrong walks in, handkerchief and trumpet in hand.)
Louis Armstrong: Hello, everyone. (The orchestra silently look on with awe.)
John: Thank you for coming, Mr Armstrong.
Satch: Oh, call me “Satch”, please.
John: Satch, this is Hal David who wrote the words to the song. I’m John Barry, I wrote the music and will be conducting the orchestra.
Satch: It’s a great song, I’m looking forward to it. Lovely words, Hal.
Hal: Thank you, Mr Armst… Satch.
John: Now, I’ve written in these sections for you to play on your trumpet at the solo and at the ending.
Satch: I’m sorry, John, but I don’t think I can manage. I’ve been ill, you see, just out of hospital especially to sing your song.
Hal: But you’ve got your trumpet with you.
Satch: Damn right, they’ll have to pry it out of my cold dead hands. It goes everywhere with me.
John: Well, in that case- Derek?
Derek Watkins: Yes, John?
John: Would you play the trumpet parts I’ve written into the score please?
Derek: (Gulping at the thought of playing lead trumpet in front of Louis Armstrong.) Er… sure, John.
John: Then, let’s get going. Mr Arm… Louis… Satch, would you please stand at the mike there?
Satch: Sure.
John: Then let’s go for a take. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…
(Satch sings “We Have All The Time In The World”, his very frailty adding to the emotion of the lyric. By the time the last notes of the song fade the orchestra, seasoned professionals all, are choking back their tears.)
Satch: Was that all right?
John: Oh dear God, yes. It was magnificent.
Hal: Thank you, thank you.
Satch: I just want to say thank you for giving me this job. (Barry and David reach for their handkerchiefs.)
John: Er.. yes, thank you for singing our song.
Derek: Hey, Satch!
Satch: Hi Chops! Great solo!
Derek: Fancy doing some blues while you’re here?
Satch: Do I? You bet!
(The band start playing some hot blues. Satch, who didn’t have enough puff to play the parts John Barry had written into the song they were recording, grabs his trumpet and chimes in with the band overcome with the power of the blues. All present have a fabulous time, Satch appears 20 or 30 years younger. The tune comes to its inevitable end.)
Satch: Thanks, guys, that was great.
The entire orchestra: Thank YOU, Satch!
(Once more a frail old man, Satch departs. John Barry and Hal David share a look saying “This is a moment I will remember.”)
(Sentimental ol'Barbel- this is basically true, though I have made up some of the dialogue. I'd love to hear the blues they played after the main song!)
sadly now for something Rude and crude but it's what I do
Eon's office Desk a hand reaches for a phone ......
MGW. " Hi Dame Maggie, It's Michael here, just checking in with you, to see if you've given
any more thought to our offer
( sounds of scraping )
Dame Maggie: " Oh how nice Michael, oh F**king hell !"
MGW : "Anything wrong Maggie ? "
Dame Maggie : Nothing, just in the middle of a rough shag ...
MGW : sorry, I'll call back later
Dame Maggie : No, I'm having my pipe filled ....
MGW : Sorry again, I'll call back
Dame Maggie : No it's all part of my F**king preparations for the part This M character
is a pipe smoker, so I've taking the F**king thing up
MGW : And the strong profanities are ?
Dame Maggie : He was in the Navy so it will be all F**k this and F**k that and the other
MGW : the other ?
Dame Maggie : He probably just call that F**king too !
( sound of phlegm being coughed up )
MGW : are you Ok ..... ?....
Dame Maggie : Just F**king coughing up a lung hold on I have to spit this out !!
MGW : I don'y think this is really needed for the part after all .......
Dame Maggie : When I play a character I commit 100%, so like any old Sailor
I'll be spitting, swearing, smoking and goosing any young lady close by. I was
thinking of lighting my Fa*ts for some added authenticity ..
MGW : Look Dame Maggie, I'll have to call you back. ( replaces receiver )
( Dials another number and awaits an answer )
MGW : Oh hi, Barbara. I think you are right, we should go with....... Dame Judi for M after all
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Now…what’s next…
MICHAEL G WILSON: It says here in the script there’s meant to be an invisible car.
NEAL PURVIS: That’s right, exactly how I wrote it. Bond drives up a ramp and then it turns invisible and then it fires missiles and flips upside down and….
MICHAEL G WILSON: That all sounds exciting.
BARBARA BROCCOLI: There’s just one problem. This warehouse is completely empty! Where’s the custom car we ordered for use in the film?
PETER LAMONT: (proudly) It’s right here in front of you.
BARBARA BROCCOLI: I can’t see anything…
MICHAEL G WILSON: Nor can I…
PETER LAMONT: That’s the whole point. It’s invisible.
BARBARA BROCCOLI: How’s Pierce supposed to drive the thing if he can’t see it?
PETER LAMONT: That’s your problem, not mine. If you wanted a visible car you should have asked for one.
MICHAEL G WILSON: How much did this cost?
PETER LAMONT: Two and a half million dollars…
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Could we send it back?
PETER LAMONT: No.
BARBARA BROCCOLI: You’d better start re-writing that script, Neal…
Comments
My favourite is the Christopher Lee/ Peter Cushing one, despite its mixed up timelines! But for sassiness it doesn't beat this 1974 real-life quotation of Lee about the Dracula role: "I will NOT play that character anymore. I no longer WISH to do it, I no longer HAVE to do it and I no longer INTEND to do it. It is now part of my professional past, just one of the roles I have played in a total of 124 films!"
The QOS MGW/Babs/Arnold one is also very funny. Having read it I actually listened again to 'No Good About Goodbye' back-to-back with AWTD and... you-know-what? As much as I'm touched by Dame Shirley's performance, I actually prefer...
1967. (The Royal Premiere of “You Only Live Twice”.)
Cubby: Now, remember everyone, nobody speaks to the Queen unless she speaks to them first. Everybody got that?
(There are mumbles of agreement as the limousine draws up outside the cinema. The Queen steps out, looking radiant, accompanied by the Duke of Edinburgh. Some ladies in waiting follow as she walks up the red carpet towards the line of film-makers.)
Harry: Hi Queen!
(Cubby’s eyes roll. The ladies in waiting shoot Harry a death glare that would destroy Alderaan. The Queen continues to smile. Dana Broccoli and MGW quietly draw Harry aside.)
Dana: This way, Harry.
Harry: But…
The Queen: So nice to see you again Mr Feldman, so soon after your last James Bond picture.
Cubby: ...er, yes ma’am.
The Queen: Is Peter Sellers in this one, too? He’s such a favourite of my sister.
Cubby: No, ma’am. May I present to you the star of our picture Mr Sean Connery?
The Queen: Of course, good evening Mr Connery.
Sean: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: I hope we shall see you playing James Bond for many years to come.
Sean: Ha! That will be fuc-
Cubby: Sean!
Sean: Er, shrtangely enough Mr Broccoli and I were dishcushing that very shubject earlier, ishn’t that sho, Cubby?
Cubby: (Looking angrily at Sean and speaking through gritted teeth.) Quite so.
The Duke: Scottish fella, aren’t you?
Sean: That’sh sho, shir.
The Duke: Bet you enjoyed being in Japan, beating up all the bloody for-
The Queen: Philip!
Cubby: May I introduce our leading lady, Miss Mie Hama?
The Queen: Of course. Good evening Miss-
(There is a flurry as another beautiful young lady thrusts herself forward.)
Akiko: Hey! I am the leading lady of this film!
Mie: Oh, you think so? You die halfway through and James marries me!
Akiko: Only by him giving false name to priest! And you don’t give any name at all!
(There is a storm of flying nails and hair. Cubby subtly leads the Queen onwards.)
Cubby: Our villain, Mr Donald Pleasence.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Pleasence.
Donald: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Hang on- I know your face. Weren’t you in “The Great Escape”?
Donald: Yes, sir, I was there.
The Duke: And you escaped from all those bloody Germa-
The Queen: Philip!
Cubby: This is Mr Charles Gray, who plays British agent Henderson.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Gray.
Charles: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: Do you think you will be in any other James Bond films, Mr Gray?
Charles: An excellent question, ma’am. And one which will be hanging on the lips of the world quite soon. If I were to break the news to anyone it would be you, you know that.
The Queen: Er… yes, of course.
(The Royal party move down the line, ending with Dana Broccoli and children.)
Cubby: My family, ma’am.
The Queen: What an adorable little girl! And how old are you?
BB: I’m seven, ma’am.
The Queen: And what do you want to do when you grow up?
BB: I want to produce movies, just like Daddy.
(There is a smattering of polite laughter.)
The Queen: I’m sure you shall! And maybe someday I shall attend one of your premieres.
BB: That’s right ma’am. Maybe someday you shall….
Cubby: Perhaps we should go in now, ma'am.
The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
Sean: I told you both lasht year, I’ve done my last Bond.
Cubby: You always say that, c’mon we’re offering you 750k, no one gets that for a movie!
Sean: Dino gets more for those Matt Helm films ‘cos he gets a pershentage of the profits, give me 5% and I’ll shign up for life.
Harry: We can’t do that Sean, anyway none of your non-Bond films are exactly tearing up the box office, are they?
Sean: I’m putting pen to paper on a weshtern now!
Cubby: A western? Really? What’s it called?
Sean: Ssshhhalako.
Harry: Anything else?
Sean: A drinks company offered me a sheries of TV adverts but I prished myself out of it, they’re going with William Franklyn now as a Bond schtyle character.
Harry: Which brand?
Sean: Ssscccweppes
Cubby: C’mon Sean sign up for the next one, OHMSS.
Sean: On Her Majeshty’s Shecret Shervice, I like that book, give me my pershentage and I’ll shign
Harry: We can get anyone to play Bond they’ll be queuing up round the block!
Sean: But it’s only me who’s Bond, you even put it on the You Only Live Twishe poster - Connery IS Bond
Harry: Listen, Sean, we could even hire an Aussie used car salesman and we’d still make a fortune!
Wade: ...so we thought that this time we could make it personal for Bond…
Purvis: ...but we’ve already used the “wife” figure in Vesper…
Wade: ...and the “mother” figure” in M…
Purvis: ...so we decided that this time we’d go for the “brother” angle.
BB: The “brother” angle?
Wade: Yeah, and since you’ve now got the rights to use Blofeld we thought it would be a great original angle to make him Bond’s brother!
MGW: ...er, Bond’s brother?
Purvis: Well, foster brother. Bond knows Blofeld from way back, when they were boys, rather than just meeting him now.
Wade: And we can work in some real Fleming- Hannes Oberhauser, from “Octopussy”, was a father figure to Bond so we create his son who turns out to be Blofeld!
Mendes: I’m not so sure about this…
Purvis: It’ll be great- before Oberhauser reveals that he’s Blofeld he can say “We’re not so different, you and I, Mr Bond”…
Wade: ...and then reveal that they’re (foster) brothers!
BB: Foster brothers…
MGW: Oberhauser is Blofeld…
Mendes: (Sarcastically.) And I suppose you’d want Michael Caine to play their father?
Purvis/Wade: (Together.) Great idea!
Mendes: Call him, oh, Nigel perhaps....?
Purvis/Wade: Sure!
Mendes: Boys... Neal, Robert... I don’t suppose you’ve heard of the Austin Powers movies?
Wade: Austin Powers?
Purvis: No, we’ve been too busy creating “Johnny English”.
MGW: Well, I don’t know…
BB: I suppose there are some people who wouldn’t connect the ideas…
Purvis: And Blofeld can say that his cat is called Mr Bigglesworth!
Wade: And have a clone, one eighth of his size!
Mendes: No, I think that’s going too far.
BB: (Whispering.) What do you think, Mike?
MGW: (Whispering.) I don’t know…
I think Barbel has an insider in the Bond camp, these postings are all too real!
This 1976 film proves only one thing- Never Say Never Again!
I think you should make some changes, or EON will realise you've got a microphone in their office!
Agent: Hey, Niv, siddown, I got some great news for ya!
Niven: Really? How splendid.
Agent: I gotta new picture lined up for ya! It's gonna be yuge!
Niven: Pardon me?
Agent: Yuge! Bigger than Ben Hur!
Niven: Huge! Well that sounds most welcome. What can you tell me about it?
Agent: You're starring opposite some of the most talented actors ever. Peter Sellers, Woody Allen and - get this - Orson Welles!
Niven: How perfectly convivial.
Agent: You're also starring with the most beautiful actresses in the world! Dalia Lavi, Barbara Bouchet, Joanna Pettet... we even got Ursula Andress!
Niven: Wonderful!
Agent: And get this... you know you were Ian Fleming's personal choice to play Jimmy Bond... well you're gonna finally get to play him! In Casino Royale, the first Bond novel no less! Whaddya say to all that!!
Niven: How extraordinary. May I see the script?
Agent: Script? You don't need to see no script, Niv baby - with that much talent assembled, what could possibly go wrong?
Linda: So who was on the phone, Paul?
Paul: Oh, that was George.
Linda: Hmm- Ringo phoned yesterday or the night before. I’m wondering if John will phone tomorrow and you guys are getting back together?
Paul: No, no- it was George Martin. He’s writing the score for the new James Bond picture and would like me to write & sing the title song.
Linda: James Bond, eh? I like that Sean Connery!
Paul: No, it’ll be Roger Moore. Sean Connery said never again... again.
Linda: Roger Moore- The Saint? The Persuaders? Mmmm...
Paul: Yeah, I think he’ll be good. Anyway, George wants the song real quick, say by tomorrow, so he can work it into the score.
Linda: Well, dinner’s in half an hour. Do you want a cup of tea before you write the song or after?
Paul: Oh, before, I think.
(Linda goes to the kitchen, makes two cups of tea, and returns to find Paul scribbling away.)
Paul: Changed my mind, that’s it ready now.
Linda: That took you longer than normal.
Paul: Yeah, well, I thought I'd do the B-side as well.
GUY HAMILTON: Now, Gert…
GERT FROBE: Ja?
GUY HAMILTON: Just say the lines and don’t worry too much about the pronunciation or accent, OK?
GERT FROBE: Sehr gut.
GUY HAMILTON: Alright then. Take one, cameras rolling…action!
SEAN CONNERY: Do you really expect me to talk?
GERT FROBE: Nein, Herr Bond. Ich erwarte dass du stirbst!
SEAN CONNERY: Huh?
GUY HAMILTON: Cut! No, no, no. You just say your lines perfectly normally, remember?
SEAN CONNERY: (wearily) How could I? This is impossible!
GERT FROBE: (wearily) Wie könnte ich? Das ist unmöglich!
GUY HAMILTON: We’ll fix this mess somehow, guys. Just say the lines and the editor can do the rest.
PETER HUNT: I heard that!
CUBBY BROCCOLI: How’s it going on set, everyone?
"The spectre of defeat..."
CUBBY: John, the studio won't green-light your other number. Their days of asking are all gone... It's got to be "thunderball"!
McCLORY: And besides, Shirley's still threatening to sue if we run with Dionne's version of 'Kiss Kiss'. Her fight goes on and on and on...
HARRY: Damoiselles and danger have filled that number's past...
JOHN BARRY: A pity if it grieves 'em. Okay, so who do we record a *new* song with?
CUBBY: Any woman you want we'll get... subject to Dana's approval.
JOHN BARRY: Let's switch to a male vocal. How about Tom Jones? He knows the meaning of success...
McCLORY: That just leaves this hang-up of yours over the lyrics? Don, Johnny... any ideas?
DON BLACK: Just taking a few notes here. Hmm, let's see. 'He looks at this world and wants it all. And he strikes like...'
JOHNNY CASH: '...Thunderball, your fiery breath can burn the coldest man!' That's it! Yes, siree! Yee-aah!
JOHN BARRY and DON BLACK throw their hands up in despair and faint on Johnny's last note... before returning in short order with a(nother) classic Bond song!
McClory has a cheek talking about someone threatening to sue!
Harry: This is the fourth one today, I don’t know what you’re looking for, Syd. This one was too high, that one was too low…
Syd: I’ll know it when I see it, Harry.
Cubby: Now remember, guys, not to let them know we’re from James Bond. They’ll put their prices up at least ten times if they know that.
Peter: Sure, Cubby, we’re just a party of businessmen looking to rent a mountaintop restaurant for meetings and so on.
Cubby: Yes, that’s it. We’re just a party of businessmen. Best not to call me “Cubby”, either.
(The cable car docks and they get out.)
Manager: Guten Abend, meine Herren.
Harry: Er, hi, do you speak English?
Manager: But of course, sir.
Peter: Would it be possible for us to have a look around before we have some drinks and perhaps a meal?
Manager: Certainly, sir. Under what name shall I put the party?
Harry: The name’s Saltzman- Harry Saltzman.
(Cubby, Peter and Syd exchange glances.)
Manager: This way, please. As you can see, we have spectacular views of the Alps from the fine scenic windows.
Syd: Yes, very impressive. (Whispers.) Guys, I think this is just what we’re looking for.
Cubby: And what’s through there?
Manager: That leads to the outdoor curling rink- would you like to see it?
Harry: Sure, why not? You only live twi… er, once.
(Peter and Syd start to look worried. Cubby, used to Harry by now, simply rolls his eyes.)
Peter: I like this curling rink.
Syd: Yes, it’s perfect! This will fit in.
Manager: And through this way, gentlemen…. The accommodation. These corridors lead to magnificently outfitted apartments.
Harry: This looks fine. What do you think, Cubby… er, I mean, Albert?
Cubby: Yes, this will do just nicely. May we see the skiing room please?
Manager: But of course, if you’ll just follow me… there you are?
Peter: (Whispers.) This is just perfect!
Syd: (Whispers.) I think we’ve found it!
Cubby: And now we should go to the dining room, I think.
Manager: Certainly.
Harry: We’ll have a table for 007, no wait, I mean for four.
(They walk through to the dining room and sit down.)
Manager: Would you like to order drinks, gentlemen?
Peter: A Lowenbrau for me.
Syd: I’ll just have a Cola.
Cubby: Some dry white wine, please?
Harry: I’ll have a vodka martini, shaken not stirred.
Manager: I shall return in a few moments. (Departs.)
Syd: Guys, this is it. This is the perfect location.
Peter: I agree, we won’t find anything better than this.
Cubby: Then we’ll have to start talking money with them soon.
Harry: Good thing they don’t know who we are, eh!
(The manager returns with the drinks.)
Manager: Here you are, gentlemen.
Cubby: Thank you. We’d like to enquire about renting the whole place for a few weeks, perhaps a couple of months?
Manager: The whole place? That would be very expensive, but I’m sure you can afford it, since you are, shall we say, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.
Cubby, Peter, Syd: HARRY!!!
Manager: I have been expecting you...
A short one...
TULA: Try to hold it down and take it slow. And just enjoy the motion. If you just relax and push it back. There is no limitation.
GONZALES' HENCHMAN: Say, you have big hands, honey... and [gulp!] isn't that an adam's apple?
ROGER: Well, I... think he got the point...
Roger Spottiswoode: Now, Pierce, you just have to sit there with a vodka waiting to see who Carver will send. You hope, but don’t know for sure, that it will be Paris.
Pierce: Sure, Roger, got that. I just sit with the vodka in my hand, maybe take a sip or two, then she’s in the door.
Roger: That’s it- action!
(Pierce moodily takes a sip of the vodka. Teri enters.)
Bond: I was curious who Carver would send.
Paris: He’s on to you.
Bond: Well, we know where you stand.
Roger: Cut! That’s good, but a little slow. Take 2, action!
(Pierce less moodily takes another sip of the vodka. Teri enters.)
Bond: I was curious who Carver would send.
Paris: He’s on to you.
Bond: Well, we know where you stand. You made your bed.
Roger: Cut! A bit more life to it, please. Action!
(Pierce happily takes a big sip of the vodka. Teri enters.)
Bond: I wash curioush who Carver would shend.
Roger: Cut! Pierce, what’s with the Sean Connery impression? Do it again- action!
(Pierce sloppily pours the rest of the vodka down his throat.)
Bond: Carver? Jusht let me get to him! I’ll show that Carver!
Roger: Cut! ….let’s resume tomorrow, everybody.
1969. (CTS Recording Studio)
Hal David: Is he here yet?
John Barry: No, but he’ll be here soon. I’ve been running the orchestra through the track.
Hal: I had to come, this is a proud moment for both of us.
John: Yes, I was so glad he agreed to do it.
(The door opens and a frail Louis Armstrong walks in, handkerchief and trumpet in hand.)
Louis Armstrong: Hello, everyone.
(The orchestra silently look on with awe.)
John: Thank you for coming, Mr Armstrong.
Satch: Oh, call me “Satch”, please.
John: Satch, this is Hal David who wrote the words to the song. I’m John Barry, I wrote the music and will be conducting the orchestra.
Satch: It’s a great song, I’m looking forward to it. Lovely words, Hal.
Hal: Thank you, Mr Armst… Satch.
John: Now, I’ve written in these sections for you to play on your trumpet at the solo and at the ending.
Satch: I’m sorry, John, but I don’t think I can manage. I’ve been ill, you see, just out of hospital especially to sing your song.
Hal: But you’ve got your trumpet with you.
Satch: Damn right, they’ll have to pry it out of my cold dead hands. It goes everywhere with me.
John: Well, in that case- Derek?
Derek Watkins: Yes, John?
John: Would you play the trumpet parts I’ve written into the score please?
Derek: (Gulping at the thought of playing lead trumpet in front of Louis Armstrong.) Er… sure, John.
John: Then, let’s get going. Mr Arm… Louis… Satch, would you please stand at the mike there?
Satch: Sure.
John: Then let’s go for a take. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…
(Satch sings “We Have All The Time In The World”, his very frailty adding to the emotion of the lyric. By the time the last notes of the song fade the orchestra, seasoned professionals all, are choking back their tears.)
Satch: Was that all right?
John: Oh dear God, yes. It was magnificent.
Hal: Thank you, thank you.
Satch: I just want to say thank you for giving me this job.
(Barry and David reach for their handkerchiefs.)
John: Er.. yes, thank you for singing our song.
Derek: Hey, Satch!
Satch: Hi Chops! Great solo!
Derek: Fancy doing some blues while you’re here?
Satch: Do I? You bet!
(The band start playing some hot blues. Satch, who didn’t have enough puff to play the parts John Barry had written into the song they were recording, grabs his trumpet and chimes in with the band overcome with the power of the blues. All present have a fabulous time, Satch appears 20 or 30 years younger. The tune comes to its inevitable end.)
Satch: Thanks, guys, that was great.
The entire orchestra: Thank YOU, Satch!
(Once more a frail old man, Satch departs. John Barry and Hal David share a look saying “This is a moment I will remember.”)
(Sentimental ol'Barbel- this is basically true, though I have made up some of the dialogue. I'd love to hear the blues they played after the main song!)
sadly now for something Rude and crude but it's what I do
Eon's office Desk a hand reaches for a phone ......
MGW. " Hi Dame Maggie, It's Michael here, just checking in with you, to see if you've given
any more thought to our offer
( sounds of scraping )
Dame Maggie: " Oh how nice Michael, oh F**king hell !"
MGW : "Anything wrong Maggie ? "
Dame Maggie : Nothing, just in the middle of a rough shag ...
MGW : sorry, I'll call back later
Dame Maggie : No, I'm having my pipe filled ....
MGW : Sorry again, I'll call back
Dame Maggie : No it's all part of my F**king preparations for the part This M character
is a pipe smoker, so I've taking the F**king thing up
MGW : And the strong profanities are ?
Dame Maggie : He was in the Navy so it will be all F**k this and F**k that and the other
MGW : the other ?
Dame Maggie : He probably just call that F**king too !
( sound of phlegm being coughed up )
MGW : are you Ok ..... ?....
Dame Maggie : Just F**king coughing up a lung hold on I have to spit this out !!
MGW : I don'y think this is really needed for the part after all .......
Dame Maggie : When I play a character I commit 100%, so like any old Sailor
I'll be spitting, swearing, smoking and goosing any young lady close by. I was
thinking of lighting my Fa*ts for some added authenticity ..
MGW : Look Dame Maggie, I'll have to call you back. ( replaces receiver )
( Dials another number and awaits an answer )
MGW : Oh hi, Barbara. I think you are right, we should go with....... Dame Judi for M after all
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Now…what’s next…
MICHAEL G WILSON: It says here in the script there’s meant to be an invisible car.
NEAL PURVIS: That’s right, exactly how I wrote it. Bond drives up a ramp and then it turns invisible and then it fires missiles and flips upside down and….
MICHAEL G WILSON: That all sounds exciting.
BARBARA BROCCOLI: There’s just one problem. This warehouse is completely empty! Where’s the custom car we ordered for use in the film?
PETER LAMONT: (proudly) It’s right here in front of you.
BARBARA BROCCOLI: I can’t see anything…
MICHAEL G WILSON: Nor can I…
PETER LAMONT: That’s the whole point. It’s invisible.
BARBARA BROCCOLI: How’s Pierce supposed to drive the thing if he can’t see it?
PETER LAMONT: That’s your problem, not mine. If you wanted a visible car you should have asked for one.
MICHAEL G WILSON: How much did this cost?
PETER LAMONT: Two and a half million dollars…
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Could we send it back?
PETER LAMONT: No.
BARBARA BROCCOLI: You’d better start re-writing that script, Neal…
"The spectre of defeat..."