Staff at the Hamburg branch of Avis were stunned when a BMW 750 entered their offices at great speed yesterday. “We were astonished”, said an Avis representative, “particularly since we do not have an office in that street.”
Police have confirmed that the car emerged from the top of a car park and flew across the street. Remarkably no-one appears to have been killed or injured, although there were many signs of damage inside the car park.
A trace has been run on the vehicle’s number plate, but this led only to the Corgi toy manufacturer. Their spokesperson said “We are getting well and truly fed-up with this. Every couple of years some sort of car-related incident happens- an Aston Martin with an ejector seat, a Lotus that turns into a submarine- and the car registration numbers always seem to lead to us. We’re beginning to think that someone somewhere has a....
Reports have been coming in about a wild river boat chase through the canals of Bangkok, during which one of the boats was apparently split in two by the other. A young boy has claimed to have seen the whole event, but demanded 20,000 bahts for information claiming this sum was owed to him for technical information provided during the chase.
Police say they have no leads at this point.
Witness to the incident was a rather wet American tourist, Mr J.W. Pepper, who said “That’s SHERIFF J.W. Pepper to you, boy! If you was in my bayou….
Reports have been received about a disturbance in the city centre yesterday. Two tik-toks were involved in a chase and a large amount of money was thrown into the air leading to major crowd agitation.
Unconfirmed reports have also suggested that a sword fight took place as well as an incident involving a bed of nails.
Witnesses have reported that one of the tik-toks was seen flying through the air before disappearing into a large snake.
Yesterday nothing of any note happened in our glorious city of St Petersburg. Traffic flowed normally and was not disturbed by any interference at all.
Our unmatched comrades in the police force had no difficulties in carrying out their standard duties in their undamaged vehicles. Our historic buildings and sculptures retain their architectural splendour.
Defence Minister Dmitri Mishkin, totally healthy on a perfectly routine visit to the city, said:
Staff at Morgan’s harbour hotel came running when a scream was heard from Mrs Violet Carver, a maid at the well-known establishment in Kingston.
“It was horrible”, she said, “I found a disgusting mess with hairy legs and everything beside one of the beds when I was cleaning up. I’m only working here to support my daughter Rosie since that no-good Elliott left me. None of my sisters Tiffy, Rose, Cherry, Pansy, and Lily have ever heard of anything like this.”
Police at first thought it to be the remains of a centipede but it was later confirmed to be, in fact, the remains of a tarantula. No-one can explain the presence of a sheet of glass on the bed.
On being asked to confirm rumours that she had once had an affair with well-known author Ian Fleming, Mrs Carver said indignantly, “You trying to say I’m ugly? Listen, I’m a woman, I’m in Jamaica, and I’m under 75 years old. Of course I’ve…
Police yesterday attended the magnificent Chateau d’Anet, near Dreux, after reports of gunfire. On arrival there were no suspects to be found, only a large patch of very wet ground on the adjoining road.
“Inside the château we found a dead man dressed in woman’s clothing with flowers over his face”, said a police spokesperson. “We believe he may have been on his way to a funeral”.
Connected with this incident are accounts of an alien seen flying through the air in the general area. When asked for a description, witnesses said “He had a big round head and flames shooting out of his back”. The only further details were that he was very well-dressed and…
In staggering reports of what may finally be proof of life on other planets, a flying saucer yesterday briefly landed in Trafalgar Square in front of hundreds of witnesses. There was a bizarre turn of events when a mounted guardsman entered the saucer, clutching a scantily dressed young lady. Regrettably we have no photographs of the young lady in question.
The saucer immediately took off, with conflicting reports suggesting that it was heading either for northern France or Montenegro.
A senior government official said “W-we do n-not have any c-comment to make at this….
Three bodies were found aboard the Orient Express when it arrived at Venice yesterday. Officials are investigating under the assumption these were deliberate killings.
“We have found the bodies of a carpet salesman and a Russian Consulate official, both from Istanbul”, said a spokesperson. “In addition there was a third body, a blond man somehow strangled by his own wristwatch”.
“We are also seeking a couple called Mr and Mrs Somerset who have disappeared from the train during its journey to help us with our enquiries”, said the spokesperson. “They claimed to be English, but the man spoke with a Scottish accent and no-one heard the woman speak at all. ”
“We are treating this as, er, murder on the Orient Express and considering calling in the services of a Belgian detective who has had previous experience with….
2015. CTS Recording Studios. Thomas Newman is playing back the last “Spectre” cue to BB and MGW. As the last note fades….
Newman: So, there it is! That’s the whole thing, I hope you like it.
(There is a moment’s silence.)
BB: Well….
MGW: Sounds very much like “Skyfall”, I thought.
Newman: Of course it does- it’s continuing the same story, you said we have to have some thematic connection.
BB: Yes, but we didn’t mean using the same themes note for note!
MGW: Speaking of themes, you don’t think you could have used just a little more of the “James Bond Theme”?
Newman: You want me to do it all again?
(BB and MGW quickly confer.)
BB: No, we open in two days- it’s just fine, Thomas.
Newman: Thank you.
(That night, Barbara lies fast asleep in the Broccoli mansion as a ghost appears.)
Ghost: Barbara….
(She sleeps on.)
Ghost: (Louder.) Barbara Broccoli…
BB: (Still sleeping.) ...oh Daniel…. I never dreamed….
Ghost: (More firmly.) Barbara!
(She wakes up.)
BB: Oh! What! (Sees ghost.) Who are you? You're not my dad again, are you?
Ghost: I am the ghost of John Barry, come to curse you for what you have done to James Bond music.
BB: But “Another Way To Die” was seven years ago now.
Ghost: No, not that- well, not this time, anyway. I come because of the way you have allowed Thomas Newman to repeat his undistinguishable music in two films now.
BB: But-
Ghost: No “buts”, Barbara! Get on the phone to David Arnold and make sure to hire him immediately!
BB: David Arnold? Of course!
Ghost: Good….
(The ghost starts to leave the room only to trip over his white sheet, revealing a dark-haired man with a beard.)
Police were summoned to a well-known caviar factory last night after numerous explosions were heard. Avoiding buzz-saws carried below helicopters, on arrival it was discovered that the factory had been totally destroyed.
The remains of a BMW Z8 were found among the ruins by insurance investigators, who were shaking their heads in disbelief.
The factory owner, Mr Valentin Zukovksy, was interviewed while still dripping with caviar and said….
Ian Fleming: Well, of course, I’d be grateful for any advice you can give me.
Geoffrey Boothroyd: In that case, what gun are you planning on Bond using in your next story?
Fleming: The Beretta, of course.
Boothroyd: Yes, I thought so. This damn Beretta again.
Fleming: You tell me.
Boothroyd: For the last time. It’s nice and light- in a lady’s handbag. No stopping power. Any comments, Mr Fleming?
Fleming: I disagree. Bond’s used a Beretta for ten years. He’s never missed with it yet.
Boothroyd: Maybe not, but it jammed on his last job and he spent six months in the hospital. A double-0 number means he’s licenced to kill, not get killed. Unless you’d prefer for him to go back to standard intelligence duties?
Fleming: No, I would not.
Boothroyd: Then from now on he carries a different gun. Walther PPK. 7.65mm with a delivery like a brick through a plate-glass window. Takes a Brausch silencer, with little reduction in muzzle velocity. The American CIA swear by them.
Fleming: Will Bond need any other protection?
Boothroyd: Only from me, Mr Fleming, if you don’t return this gun I’ve lent you for the cover of “From Russia With Love” in pristine condition.
Fleming: And what’s this here?
Boothroyd: Don’t touch that! (All together now!) That’s my lunch.
Comments
Wonderful 🤣🤣🤣
These are superb, Barbel! 😂😂😂🍸
Much appreciated, guys.
1997
HAMBURGER UHRENLIEBHABER
Car delivered to Avis in unconventional manner
Staff at the Hamburg branch of Avis were stunned when a BMW 750 entered their offices at great speed yesterday. “We were astonished”, said an Avis representative, “particularly since we do not have an office in that street.”
Police have confirmed that the car emerged from the top of a car park and flew across the street. Remarkably no-one appears to have been killed or injured, although there were many signs of damage inside the car park.
A trace has been run on the vehicle’s number plate, but this led only to the Corgi toy manufacturer. Their spokesperson said “We are getting well and truly fed-up with this. Every couple of years some sort of car-related incident happens- an Aston Martin with an ejector seat, a Lotus that turns into a submarine- and the car registration numbers always seem to lead to us. We’re beginning to think that someone somewhere has a....
(Continued on Page 6)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In other news
Tycoon’s wife and professor of forensic medicine discovered dead in hotel room- Page 3
Man with terrible taste in footwear spotted in rear seat of Mercedes Benz- Page 4
Real jaguar found in airport car rental area- Page 5
😂😂
Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
1974
BANGKOK LADYMAIL
River boat chase through canals
Reports have been coming in about a wild river boat chase through the canals of Bangkok, during which one of the boats was apparently split in two by the other. A young boy has claimed to have seen the whole event, but demanded 20,000 bahts for information claiming this sum was owed to him for technical information provided during the chase.
Police say they have no leads at this point.
Witness to the incident was a rather wet American tourist, Mr J.W. Pepper, who said “That’s SHERIFF J.W. Pepper to you, boy! If you was in my bayou….
(Continued on Page 6)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In other news
Entire kung fu school have their asses handed to them by two young girls- Page 3
Shares in PhuYuck wine collapse after derogatory comment in Western movie- Page 4
Disappearance of tycoon Hai Fat- Page 5
Bravo 👏🏻👏🏻🤣
Genius! I could read these all day long! 😂😂😂
1983
DELHI DAILY
Disturbance in city centre
Reports have been received about a disturbance in the city centre yesterday. Two tik-toks were involved in a chase and a large amount of money was thrown into the air leading to major crowd agitation.
Unconfirmed reports have also suggested that a sword fight took place as well as an incident involving a bed of nails.
Witnesses have reported that one of the tik-toks was seen flying through the air before disappearing into a large snake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In other news:
Two Intelligence officers kept in curry for a few weeks- Page 3
English major gives up backgammon- Page 4
Cobra and basket found at pier- Page 5
1995
PRAVDA (ST PETERSBURG EDITION)
Quiet day in St Petersburg
Comrades:
Yesterday nothing of any note happened in our glorious city of St Petersburg. Traffic flowed normally and was not disturbed by any interference at all.
Our unmatched comrades in the police force had no difficulties in carrying out their standard duties in their undamaged vehicles. Our historic buildings and sculptures retain their architectural splendour.
Defence Minister Dmitri Mishkin, totally healthy on a perfectly routine visit to the city, said:
(Continued Page 6)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In other news:
Train line running as normal, nothing to report- Page 3
Regular count of tanks shows no anomalies whatsoever- Page 4
No incidents at army HQ- Page 5
Pravda. Very clever, and very funny, Barbel 😁🍸
Cheers, CHB!
Don't tempt me....
That's the best one yet! Hilarious! 🤣🤣🤣
😊
1962
DAILY GLEANER
Incident at hotel
Staff at Morgan’s harbour hotel came running when a scream was heard from Mrs Violet Carver, a maid at the well-known establishment in Kingston.
“It was horrible”, she said, “I found a disgusting mess with hairy legs and everything beside one of the beds when I was cleaning up. I’m only working here to support my daughter Rosie since that no-good Elliott left me. None of my sisters Tiffy, Rose, Cherry, Pansy, and Lily have ever heard of anything like this.”
Police at first thought it to be the remains of a centipede but it was later confirmed to be, in fact, the remains of a tarantula. No-one can explain the presence of a sheet of glass on the bed.
On being asked to confirm rumours that she had once had an affair with well-known author Ian Fleming, Mrs Carver said indignantly, “You trying to say I’m ugly? Listen, I’m a woman, I’m in Jamaica, and I’m under 75 years old. Of course I’ve…
(Continued Page 6)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In other news:
Jamaica wins “Least Like San Monique” contest yet again- Page 3
Miss Marple picks St. Honore for Caribbean holiday destination. Other islands breathe sigh of relief- Page 4
Freelance photographer seeks employment. Has own flashbulbs- Page 5
Pravda's coverage of what didn't happen in St Petersburg is very responsible and a shining example for communist newspapers all over the world 🗞️
More inspired paper nonesense 🤣👏🏻👏🏻🙌🏻
It fills the time while waiting for NTTD, Sir M. More to follow.
1965
NORTHERN FRANCE NEWS
“Airborne alien” at Château d’Anet
Police yesterday attended the magnificent Chateau d’Anet, near Dreux, after reports of gunfire. On arrival there were no suspects to be found, only a large patch of very wet ground on the adjoining road.
“Inside the château we found a dead man dressed in woman’s clothing with flowers over his face”, said a police spokesperson. “We believe he may have been on his way to a funeral”.
Connected with this incident are accounts of an alien seen flying through the air in the general area. When asked for a description, witnesses said “He had a big round head and flames shooting out of his back”. The only further details were that he was very well-dressed and…
(Continued on Page 6)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In other news
Parking dispute in Paris- Page 3
Electrified body fished out of Seine- Page 4
😂😂😂 brilliant as always!
These are a cracking feature 🙌🏻🤣
Thank you, guys
1967
LONDON HERALD
Flying saucer lands in Trafalgar Square
In staggering reports of what may finally be proof of life on other planets, a flying saucer yesterday briefly landed in Trafalgar Square in front of hundreds of witnesses. There was a bizarre turn of events when a mounted guardsman entered the saucer, clutching a scantily dressed young lady. Regrettably we have no photographs of the young lady in question.
The saucer immediately took off, with conflicting reports suggesting that it was heading either for northern France or Montenegro.
A senior government official said “W-we do n-not have any c-comment to make at this….
(Continued on Page 6)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In other news:
Nelson’s Column sold- Page 3
Milk float explodes near Scottish border- Page 4
Laboratory discovered below Harrods- Page 5
this reminds me the "funny" version is due for a rewatch at Cinema Potts
Glad to be of service, might do the same myself.
1963
VENICE DAILY
Deliberate Killings On A Well-Known Train
Three bodies were found aboard the Orient Express when it arrived at Venice yesterday. Officials are investigating under the assumption these were deliberate killings.
“We have found the bodies of a carpet salesman and a Russian Consulate official, both from Istanbul”, said a spokesperson. “In addition there was a third body, a blond man somehow strangled by his own wristwatch”.
“We are also seeking a couple called Mr and Mrs Somerset who have disappeared from the train during its journey to help us with our enquiries”, said the spokesperson. “They claimed to be English, but the man spoke with a Scottish accent and no-one heard the woman speak at all. ”
“We are treating this as, er, murder on the Orient Express and considering calling in the services of a Belgian detective who has had previous experience with….
(Continued on Page 6)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In other news:
Well-known author possibly spotted near train; opinions vary- Page 3
Strange shoe found in hotel room- Page 4
Roll of film found in canal. Police watch it repeatedly- Page 5
2015. CTS Recording Studios. Thomas Newman is playing back the last “Spectre” cue to BB and MGW. As the last note fades….
Newman: So, there it is! That’s the whole thing, I hope you like it.
(There is a moment’s silence.)
BB: Well….
MGW: Sounds very much like “Skyfall”, I thought.
Newman: Of course it does- it’s continuing the same story, you said we have to have some thematic connection.
BB: Yes, but we didn’t mean using the same themes note for note!
MGW: Speaking of themes, you don’t think you could have used just a little more of the “James Bond Theme”?
Newman: You want me to do it all again?
(BB and MGW quickly confer.)
BB: No, we open in two days- it’s just fine, Thomas.
Newman: Thank you.
(That night, Barbara lies fast asleep in the Broccoli mansion as a ghost appears.)
Ghost: Barbara….
(She sleeps on.)
Ghost: (Louder.) Barbara Broccoli…
BB: (Still sleeping.) ...oh Daniel…. I never dreamed….
Ghost: (More firmly.) Barbara!
(She wakes up.)
BB: Oh! What! (Sees ghost.) Who are you? You're not my dad again, are you?
Ghost: I am the ghost of John Barry, come to curse you for what you have done to James Bond music.
BB: But “Another Way To Die” was seven years ago now.
Ghost: No, not that- well, not this time, anyway. I come because of the way you have allowed Thomas Newman to repeat his undistinguishable music in two films now.
BB: But-
Ghost: No “buts”, Barbara! Get on the phone to David Arnold and make sure to hire him immediately!
BB: David Arnold? Of course!
Ghost: Good….
(The ghost starts to leave the room only to trip over his white sheet, revealing a dark-haired man with a beard.)
BB: David!
David: Oh blast- you know my name!
(Runs.)
1997. Set of “Tomorrow Never Dies”.
Pierce: So, what scene are we doing today, Roger?
Roger Spottiswoode: We’re still at Carver’s party- this is the part where Teri slaps you.
Pierce: Oh God, being slapped by the evil queen of-
(Teri Hatcher has walked up behind Pierce.)
Teri: You were saying?
Pierce: No, no, I was just….
Teri: Good- because if I want sarcasm I’ll speak to Superman, thank you very much.
Roger: (Hurriedly.) Now, folks, this is the scene where you meet for the first time in the movie. You knew each other in the past.
Pierce: Let’s get on with it, shall we?
Roger: Right, positions everyone, and…. action!
(Pierce walks up behind Teri.)
Pierce: I always wondered how I’d feel if I ever saw you again.
(Teri turns, slipping a roll of coins into her fist, and hits Pierce across the cheek.)
Pierce: (Dazedly.) Now I know. Was it something I said?
Roger: Cut! A bit more direct, Pierce…. and action!
Pierce: (Warily.) I always wondered how I’d feel if I ever saw you again.
(Teri turns, wearing a knuckleduster, and thumps Pierce across the cheek.)
Pierce: (Staggering.) Now… now I … know.
Roger: Cut! More smoothly Pierce, you are James Bond you know. Action.
Pierce: (Downright terrified.) I always wondered how I’d feel if I ever saw you again.
(Teri gives him a punch to the solar plexus before an uppercut to the jaw. Pierce collapses to the floor.)
Roger: Cut! Can you hold back a bit please, Teri?
Teri: But of course.
Roger: Right then… actio-
Pierce: The hell with this, where’s the stuntman? I’m off!
(He marches, rather unsteadily, back to his dressing room.)
Teri: What was it, James? Did I get too close? Too close for comfort?
Then just for you, Gymkata-
1999.
BAKU BUGLE
Caviar factory destroyed
Police were summoned to a well-known caviar factory last night after numerous explosions were heard. Avoiding buzz-saws carried below helicopters, on arrival it was discovered that the factory had been totally destroyed.
The remains of a BMW Z8 were found among the ruins by insurance investigators, who were shaking their heads in disbelief.
The factory owner, Mr Valentin Zukovksy, was interviewed while still dripping with caviar and said….
(Continued on Page 6)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In other news
Remains of Parahawks found in mountains- Page 3
Oil pipeline re-routed to avoid shrine- Page 4
May 1956. Ian Fleming meets Geoffrey Boothroyd.
Ian Fleming: Well, of course, I’d be grateful for any advice you can give me.
Geoffrey Boothroyd: In that case, what gun are you planning on Bond using in your next story?
Fleming: The Beretta, of course.
Boothroyd: Yes, I thought so. This damn Beretta again.
Fleming: You tell me.
Boothroyd: For the last time. It’s nice and light- in a lady’s handbag. No stopping power. Any comments, Mr Fleming?
Fleming: I disagree. Bond’s used a Beretta for ten years. He’s never missed with it yet.
Boothroyd: Maybe not, but it jammed on his last job and he spent six months in the hospital. A double-0 number means he’s licenced to kill, not get killed. Unless you’d prefer for him to go back to standard intelligence duties?
Fleming: No, I would not.
Boothroyd: Then from now on he carries a different gun. Walther PPK. 7.65mm with a delivery like a brick through a plate-glass window. Takes a Brausch silencer, with little reduction in muzzle velocity. The American CIA swear by them.
Fleming: Will Bond need any other protection?
Boothroyd: Only from me, Mr Fleming, if you don’t return this gun I’ve lent you for the cover of “From Russia With Love” in pristine condition.
Fleming: And what’s this here?
Boothroyd: Don’t touch that! (All together now!) That’s my lunch.
This is much better than TV 😂
Excellent stuff, Barbel, a conveyer belt of fun 🤣🤣🤣