1971. (Las Vegas. Sammy Davis, Jr, is just coming off stage.)
Dean Martin: Hey, great show Sam, great show!
Frank Sinatra: Yeah, you did well there.
Sammy: Thanks, guys.
Frank: Waddya wanna do now, fellas? Hit the casino?
Sammy: No, I got an idea- come with me, guys.
Dean: What you (Hic!) got in mind there, pally?
Sammy: It’s a surprise- follow me. (Sammy leads Dean and Frank to a cinema.)
Frank: A film? You wanna watch a movie?
Sammy: Yeah, it’s the new James Bond movie “Diamonds Are Forever”.
Dean: Ha, Matt Helm beats James Bond every time.
Frank: Yeah, you would say that.
Sammy: This James Bond film is different- I’m in it!
Frank/Dean: What?
Sammy: No kidding, it’s set right here in Vegas. Just you wait until James goes into a casino, you’ll see me there!
Frank: Hey, that’s fantastic, Sam.
Dean: Last James Bond movie I saw (Hic!) there was this guy from New Zealand or somewhere being Bond.
Sammy: No, it’s back to the other fella. Hey, quiet guys, it’s starting. (Onscreen.) Connery: My name ish Bond, Jamesh Bond.
Dean: Oh yeah, the big Irish guy, I remember him. (Hic!)
Sammy: Sshh! (Time passes….)
Sammy: (Whispers.) Right guys, he’s going into the casino, watch carefully…
Frank: I don’t see you, Sam.
Dean: I see two James Bonds but I don’t see you.
Sammy: But.. but… I’m supposed to be there! Harry promised!
Dean: Looks like they cut you out of the movie, my man.
Sammy: I don’t understand, I’m supposed to be there!
Frank: Well, Sam, I only got one thing to say- that’s life, and I can’t deny it.
Mr Bleeker: (Getting into plane.) Good morning Mrs Bell, how are you?
Mrs Bell: I think I’m fully recovered now, thank you.
Mr Bleeker: Yes, that week in hospital seems to have done you good. No ill effects now?
Mrs Bell: The doctor says I should be careful to avoid stressful situations.
Mr Bleeker: That’s fine. Now, if you’ll just press this button here…
Mrs Bell: I see your plane is working again.
Mr Bleeker: Yes, the man from Washington, Mr Leiter, sent two men round with a lot of glue and the wings are back on and everything is as it was before. Now, if you’d take hold of this…
Mrs Bell: The, uh, other instructor won’t be back then?
Mr Bleeker: Now, we’ve been through this Mrs Bell. That man was not a qualified flight instructor and had no business giving you a lesson.
Mrs Bell: Yes, you did say that. I don’t, uh, suppose you have his address? Or perhaps his phone number?
Mr Bleeker: You’re thinking of breaking our contract? You still have at least six months of lessons to pay for!
Mrs Bell: No, it’s not that, I just thought you might know where he went to.
Mr Bleeker: No I don’t know his phone number, I don’t know his address, and I don’t know where he went to. Now, if you’d please just…
Mrs Bell: Perhaps that Mr Leiter might know his phone number?
Air Traffic Control: (Over radio.) Look, I’m sure this is all very fascinating but would you mind please moving that plane off our runway? Now!!!
LEE TAMAHORI: That’s it…make a face like you’re windsurfing away from the crest of a tidal wave, desperately battling the elements as you sail triumphantly through the air…
PIERCE BROSNAN: *pain face*
LEE TAMAHORI: Excellent Pierce! And…CUT! This’ll be one for the history books, eh?
PIERCE BROSNAN: You could say that…
Terence: Right, we’re all set here. Nikki, are you ready to go?
Nikki: Of course, Terence.
Terence: Right then, I’ll start the film where we stopped. 3...2...1
Nikki: “W6N... W6N... W6N. Calling G7W. How do you hear me? Over. “
Terence: Great, that was the last line I needed for that scene. Now…
Terence: Ok, film set up. Ready there, Nikki?
Nikki: Say when!
Terence: 3...2...1
Nikki: “Trench, Sylvia Trench. I admire your luck, Mr...”
Terence: Fine, thanks Nikki. Now just give me a few moments…
Terence: Right, organised. You set, Nikki?
Nikki: I’m ready.
Terence: Ok. 3...2...1
Nikki: “What are you doing here? Looking for shells?”
Terence: Great, thank you.
Nikki: Er, Terence?
Terence: Yes, Nikki, what is it?
Nikki: Am I doing ALL the female voices in this film?
Terence: No, no, of course not.
Nikki: Well, who am I not doing then?
Terence: Lois Maxwell is doing her own voice as Miss Moneypenny.
Nikki: All right, who else?
Terence: Er…. Either Sister Rose or Sister Lily.
Nikki: And that’s it?
Terence: Yes, I think so.
Nikki: That’s a bit “above and beyond”, don’t you think? I should get a credit, or a raise, or both!
Terence: Now, Nikki, that’s not in your contract.
Nikki: Well, how about a part where I get seen?
Terence: I can’t promise that. I can promise you more work, though.
Nikki: Hmph. All right…
1963
Terence: Ok, all set here. Nikki?
Nikki: Ready when you are.
Terence: Right. 3...2...1
Nikki: “Do what? Last time you said that, you went off to Jamaica. I haven't seen you for six months!”
Terence: ...and fine, thank you.
Nikki: Er, Terence?
Terence: Yes?
Nikki: About what we were discussing last time…?
Terence: Ah yes, I’ll see the producers and ask for you.
Nikki: Hmph. All right...
1964
Guy: If you’re ready, Nikki, let’s go. 3...2...1
Nikki: “He's got a diamond run: eight, nine, ten. He's holding on to the six of spades, so I guess he thinks you want it. That last draw was the eight of hearts. He needs kings and queens.”
Guy: That’s fine, thank you.
Nikki: Guy…
Guy: Yes, Nikki, what can I do for you?
Nikki: Terence said he’d see what he could do about getting me a part where I get seen. I don’t suppose…?
Guy: Hmmm, it’s a bit late in the day. Perhaps next time?
Nikki: Hmph. All right…
1965
Terence: If you’re ready, Nikki, let’s go. 3...2...1
Nikki: “Have you, now? Your name's James Bond and you've been admiring my form?”
Terence: Lovely, thank you.
Nikki: Terence….
Terence: Now, I know what you’re going to say, Nikki, but really you’d have to ask Mr Broccoli or Mr Saltzman about that.
Nikki: But they never come here for the dubbing! I don’t see them!
Terence: Ok, I’ll see what I can do- but no promises!
Nikki: Hmph. All right...
1967
Lewis: Right, all set here. Get set, Nikki. 3..2..1
Nikki: "Think again, please. You gave false name to priest."
Lewis: Great, thanks Nikki.
Nikki: Lewis…
Lewis: Can’t do it, Nikki. Not in my power, I’m afraid.
Nikki: Hmph. All right, but this is the last time!
1969
Peter: ...and we’re just about ready. Ok, Nikki, 3...2...1
Nikki: “Your father loves you very much, Tracy. Whatever he may arrange, I know it’s for your happiness”
Peter: Fine, Nikki, thank you.
Nikki: Peter…
Peter: Ah yes, Nikki. Afraid there’s not a lot I can do.
Nikki: Hmph. Right, that’s the last time I do this!
1971
Guy: You all set there, Nikki? 3..2..1
Nikki: “Is there something I can do for you?”
Guy: Thanks Nikki, that was fine.
Nikki: Guy, I mean it, I won’t do any more of these unless I get a proper part.
Guy: I told you, Nikki, you’d have to ask Harry or Cubby.
Nikki: I did ask Harry, and all he said was “Who are you?”
Guy: Sorry, Nikki.
Nikki: Hmph. All right…
1972
Guy: Nikki, don’t even ask me this time!
Nikki: Hmph. I’m not coming back! Never again!
1974
Guy: Ready there, 3...2..1
Nikki: "Why don't you come in and find out?" ....“Chew Mee” ... “Neither have I” ... “Bye-ee!”
Guy: And that’s fine, thanks.
Nikki: Guy, I-
Guy: Nikki, no!
Nikki: Hmph. Goodbye, all of you!
1979
Lewis: ...and ready. 3..2..1
Nikki: “I’m just a humble pilot in the service of the Drax Corporation”
Lewis: Great, Nikki, thanks.
Nikki: Er, Lewis…?
Lewis: Yes, Nikki?
Nikki: You know I’ve been doing this since the series began, don’t you?
Lewis: And very good you have been too, Nikki. Thank you.
Nikki: Well, I just thought-
Lewis: I’ll have a word with Cubby. I promise.
Nikki: Hmph.... I'm speechless!
It was a partial revoice, so at a guess this would be for technical reasons (eg poor sound on a live location) rather than artistic ones. Ms Seymour may have been unavailable for ADR.
If Guy Hamilton had been unhappy with the performance, he'd more likely have wanted the entire part revoiced.
A phone rings in the Newman residence.
Newman: Hello?
Mendes: Hey Thomas, how's it going?
Newman: Hey Sam, all good thanks, buddy! Nice to hear from you. Whatcha up to?
Mendes: Well I always said I wouldn't do it, but I'm gonna do another Bond. And I want you on board again.
Newman: That's wonderful, thanks Sam! But another 007 movie? Your last one was the highest grossing Bond film of all time. How on earth could you top that?
Mendes: Well I've got to be honest, I'm not sure I can. And I don't think that will be the biggest challenge.
Newman: Really? What will be?
Mendes: Well so many people have had a hand in writing the script, it's massive. I think it's gonna be the longest one yet. But we're committed to a premiere date, so that means it's going to be in editing right up until the last minute.
Newman: And that means....
Mendes: Yes. You'd normally be able to watch the rushes and write the soundtrack to fit it. But that's highly unlikely. So basically, you need to deliver a soundtrack without having seen any of the film. Sounds impossible, eh? Any if we don't deliver it, may the sky fall on our heads.
Newman: Hold on a minute Sam, you've given me an idea...
Man 1: ...I was having a drink and then this odd thing happened...a Lotus car emerged from the sea and drove up onto the beach right past me.
Man 2: Really?
Man 1: Yep, honestly...then 2 years later I was sat having a drink in St Mark’s Square, Venice and a gondola comes sailing right past me!
Man 2: A gondola? Are you sure you hadn’t had one or two drinks more than usual?
Man 1: No, I’m telling you, this gondola sailed right past, damndest thing I ever saw, even a pigeon looked twice!
Man 2: Must have been extraordinary.
Man 1: Then, only last year, I was sat at a table having a drink at a ski resort and these skiers come flying through the air and ski right along my table, I tell you, unbelievable things happen to me.
Man 2: Yes, they do, heaven knows what will happen next?
Man 1: (Shaking his head and offering his hand) By the way, my name’s Victor Tourjansky...
Man 2: (Takes his hand) Bond...James Bond (smiles and raises right eyebrow).
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
Also ) ) ) though you've beaten me to the draw with that one, CHB. I was thinking about doing one with Victor today and now I have to think of something else!
1969. (A quiet church in Brittany. Sir Hilary Bray, Baronet, is busy doing some brass rubbings.)
Sir Hilary: Hum de dum, hum de dee.... (A door opens at the other end of the church. A black-cloaked priest points Sir Hilary out to two gendarmes who march up to him.)
1st Gendarme: Monsieur, je veux-
Sir Hilary: Oh I'm so sorry, dear sir, but I don't speak a word of French. I don't suppose you could speak in English, if that's not too much trouble.
1st Gendarme: Monsieur, would you please be able to identify yourself?
Sir Hilary: Why, of course, old chap. I am Sir Hilary Bray, Baronet. I work for the College of Arms in London.
2nd Gendarme: Mais c'est impossible!
Sir Hilary: English, dear boy.
2nd Gendarme: You cannot be Sir Hilary. We have had confirmed information that Sir Hilary Bray, Baronet, is in Switzerland. To be exact, he is at a clinic on top of Piz Gloria.
Sir Hilary: Ah.
1st Gendarme: I ask you again, monsieur, tell us who you are!
Sir Hilary: Well, it's frightfully complicated but really I am Sir Hilary, I mean I am the real Sir Hilary. Look here, see my passport.
2nd Gendarme: The real Sir Hilary in Switzerland also has a passport.
Sir Hilary: But really, you see-
1st Gendarme: I think you had better come with us.
Sir Hilary: But-
2nd Gendarme: Now, monsieur! (They lead a sad Sir Hilary away.)
Guard: There's a small seaplane heading towrads your Island, should we take any action ?
Scaramanga : No, It's a guest I'm expecting ....... No he wont be leaving !
Guard : Staying for the weekend then, ....... Well, lucky him ! Four years Me and the lads
Have been here for four years, in rain, hail and snow looking after your precious secret
little Island and Not once have we got an invite over !!!!
Scaramanga : Look it's not always up to Me, Mr Fat is quite strict with the guest list, always
telling me to clean my room and don't see that other assassin as he's from a bad family and
they're a bit common.
Guard : Still one weekend party would have been appreciated
Scaramanga : I did send that welcome basket.
Guaed : Hey man a few jars of jam and biscuits just don't cut it.
Scaramanga : There were scented oils in that basket, they're not cheap and What about the mix tape
Guard : Eh ?
Scaramanga : Yes the mix tape, I put my soul in to those songs, do you know how hard it is to get
copies of The Skunnered in South East Asia !!
Guard : Sorry I forgot about that
Scaramanga : Look I can't promise anything but after I get rid of this old square, I see about setting up
a party for you guys
Guard : Would ya !! that's great !!
Scaramanga : I'll even try and get a keg of Beer, or at least some alco-pops it will be fun
Guard : Sure thing , ........ ( whispering ) you're not just saying that ?
Scaramanga : No way man, The only thing that could stop it is if this old Square can
shoot me in the heart, steal my boat and blow up my Island, and I can't see that happening !
Guard : Cool it's a date man .
"I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
Maybelle: How you feelin', JW?
JW: I’m fine, Maybelle, would you stop fussin' round me like a mother hen?
Maybelle: It’s just that I’ve been so worried about you, honey.
JW: Well, I’m fine. I was just thinkin' about buying a new automobile, if you must know.
Maybelle: Well, ain’t it better to do that when we get home?
JW: Maybe you’re right. Can’t wait to get back home.
Maybelle: We only just got here! Now you remember what the doctor said about you having a nice long rest.
JW: Sure, but why here? Why didn’t you pick somewhere closer to Louisiana?
Maybelle: The doctor said you were to get away from it all. All those nights of you lying there talking in your sleep about “Black Russians” and “English secret agents, from England.”
JW: Doctors don’t know nothin’!
Maybelle: You wanna get ready and we’ll go out?
JW: Sure don’t wanna stay here all day.
Maybelle: My brother Billy Bob came here a few years ago, said it was great. By the by, he wants to know when you're gonna pay for his new boat.
JW: You can tell that Billy Bob to take a flyin'- (There is a knock on the door.)
JW: Come in! (A steward opens the door.)
Steward: Good morning, Sir, Madam. Will you be eating here at the hotel today or going out?
JW: Goin’ out- ain’t gonna eat none of that muck you got here, boy.
Steward: Of course, Sergeant Pepper. (Exits.)
JW: That’s SHERIFF Pepper, boy! I ain’t none of them long-hair Beatles, that’s for sure!
Maybelle: JW, let’s go for a walk down by the river- they got markets there, and little boats to see.
JW: Sure, Maybelle. What’s the worst that could happen?
Cubby: Are we all set then, Michael?
MGW: Seems ok, Cubby. Roger and Barbara are in position, the photographers are swarming everywhere. Ken is showing everybody the set.
Cubby: Good- ah, here we go now… (A limousine drives up in front of the huge building. Out steps recently retired former UK Prime Minister Harold Wilson.)
Cubby: Good morning, sir, I’m the producer Cubby Broccoli and this is my stepson and assistant, Michael Wilson.
Wilson: Wilson, eh? Good name! We might be related! (Polite laughter.)
MGW: Shouldn’t think so, sir. Not unless No.10 is the Batcave.
Cubby: And here is James Bond himself, Roger Moore.
Roger: Pleased to see you, sir.
Wilson: You used to be The Saint, didn’t you?
Roger: That’s right.
Wilson: I liked that show!
Cubby: Now, through here is our set which we’d like you to officially open. Just through this door… (They enter the spectacularly well-lit sound stage to see the tanker set, complete with submarines- they're big and black and the drivers are very good friends. Photographers bustle around them, clicking away.)
Wilson: Now, this is very impressive. Very impressive indeed!
Photographers: Look here, everyone please! (Click! Click!) Can we have one of you all together? (Click! Click!) Now shaking hands! (Click! Click!)
Wilson: Where should I go, now?
Cubby: Well, the publicity people would like one of you abseiling down to the top of one of the submarines if you don’t mind.
Wilson: Abseiling?
Photographers: Yes, please! (Click! Click!)
Wilson: I think not. It would be a very foolish thing for anyone who is, was, or wants to be a Prime Minister to be photographed doing such a silly thing as abseiling.
Cubby: Perhaps you’re right.
Wilson: I mean, who could ever take such a person seriously ever again?
CUBBY BROCCOLI: Yes…hello?...is that Buckingham Palace?...we’d like to ask Her Majesty the Queen a favour…yes…if she might possibly consider appearing in the next James Bond film…just a small cameo…no, this isn’t a prank…what might she do exactly…well, we were thinking she could parachute off the Eiffel Tower…yes, I understand…sorry for calling…goodbye.
MICHAEL G WILSON: How did it go?
Eon Press Office. 1997.
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Yes…hello?...is that Buckingham Palace?...we’d like to ask Her Majesty the Queen a favour…yes…if she might possibly consider appearing in the next James Bond film…just a small cameo…absolutely seriously, sir….the role we were thinking of, you say? Well we thought perhaps Her Majesty might like to do a HALO parachute jump with Pierce Brosnan? No? Alright then. Thank you. Goodbye.
MICHAEL G WILSON: Any luck this time?
Eon Press Office. 2012.
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Yes…hello? …is that Buckingham Palace?...we’d like to ask Her Majesty the Queen a favour…yes…if she might possibly consider appearing in the next James Bond film…just a small cameo…we had in mind something along the lines of jumping out of a helicopter with Daniel Craig…she’s interested, you say? That’s great news, excellent…call back in a week or so? Fine. Thank you very much. Goodbye.
MICHAEL G WILSON: What happened?
BARBARA BROCCOLI: It worked! Third time’s the charm, I suppose…
Also ) ) ) though you've beaten me to the draw with that one, CHB. I was thinking about doing one with Victor today and now I have to think of something else!
And I had one for Sir Hilary, but different to yours
1969, Brittany, France. A hotel bedroom.
Sir Hilary: ...but you are a picture yourself and twice as beautiful in the firelight.
Young lady: Ooh, Sir Hilary, I didn’t think respectable baronets from colleges seduced females...
Sir Hilary: Lots of people think that, in fact I was teaching someone a few days ago everything about me as he wanted to behave like me on some sort of secret mission...
Young lady: Ooh, Sir Hilary, so that’s what you mean by doing some rubbings...
Sir Hilary: Ahhhhh...
Young lady: Is anything the matter, Sir Hilary?
Sir Hilary: Just a slight stiffness coming on...
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
Publisher: Ah, good morning Ian, thanks for coming in.
Fleming: Always happy to help out.
Publisher: I suppose you'd like a drink?
Fleming: You suppose correctly. Three measures of Gordon's, one of-
Publisher: On its way, Ian, on its way. Now, I'd like to have a chat with you about this new manuscript of yours.
Fleming: Oh yes? What seems to be the problem?
Publisher: Well, it's a bit different from your last one. Now that one I liked, I liked it a lot- Bahamas, Domino, Largo, Disco Volante, and that guy, what's his name, Bluefield?
Fleming: Blofeld. Ernst Stavro Blofeld.
Publisher: Yes, him. Great stuff, though we did get some letters from a fellow named McClory who didn't seem too pleased. Quite a lot of letters, actually....
Fleming: But this new manuscript...?
Publisher: Well, it's just different, very different. I'm up to Chapter 9 and there's no sign of James Bond. Are you sure you remembered to include him in the plot?
Fleming: Of course I included him! You didn't complain like this about "From Russia With Love"!
Publisher: "From Russia With Love" wasn't all about some girl's sex life!
Fleming: You don't like sex?
Publisher: It's just that there has to be something else going on apart from the sex! You'll need to tone it down a bit. No, make that a lot.
Fleming: You're just being prudish. It's the 1960s! Free love!
Publisher: It'll need to be changed. See, this bit here is a bit hard to read- he kisses her what?
Fleming: Let me see...
Publisher: Can't make it out. Begins with a "p", ends in a "y". He kisses her...?
Fleming: Passionately. He kisses her passionately.
Publisher: Well, that happens a lot. And other things. You're going to have to change it. And where the hell's James Bond?
Fleming: Keep reading- he'll turn up.
Publisher: Good title, though. Make a great movie some day....
Roger: Well, Cubby, it’s been great. Thanks for everything and-
Cubby: Hold on there, Roger. “Octopussy” was a big success for us, and we’d like you to come back one more time for the next film- what’s it called, Michael?
MGW: “A View To A Kill”. Dick & I have written a script which I’ve got right here.
Roger: That’s very flattering, and I’m sure it’s a great script, but really I think that these days I’m getting to be a bit too-
Cubby: Nonsense, Roger, I won’t hear a word of it. You look great.
Roger: Thank you again, but I feel it would be a bit-
Cubby: And the stuntmen can do the hard work… again. But more of it this time, and I’m pretty sure the audiences will never notice.
Roger: Again, I feel that perhaps I might be just a shade too-
MGW: Cubby, perhaps you should show Roger what we were discussing earlier?
Cubby: Sure. Roger, I’m writing a number down on this piece of paper. Would you like to have a look, please? (Cubby passes a piece of paper with a figure written on it. Roger’s right eyebrow rises sharply.)
Roger: I’m very impressed, and appreciate that you value my services so highly, but honestly I don’t know that I could-
Cubby: Well, have a look at this then. (Cubby passes Roger a second piece of paper. Both of Roger’s eyebrows head upwards.)
Roger: That’s… very generous. Very generous indeed. Though I have to say that it would really look-
MGW: Go for it, Cubby. (Cubby sighs, and writes another figure on a piece of paper. This time it takes longer for him to write it. Roger’s eyebrows leave his forehead and orbit around the ceiling.)
Roger: ...so, Monday morning at Pinewood then? Say 9am?
Cubby: 9am is just fine. See you Monday, Roger.
Surgeon: So nice to see you again, Señor Blofeld. What shall it be this time?
Blofeld: It’s the scar- it has to go.
Surgeon: Oh? But I thought you really liked it.
Blofeld: Yes, it made a change but it has to go. For a few decades, anyway.
Surgeon: Of course. Perhaps this time, a hump?
Blofeld: No.
Surgeon: A limp?
Blofeld: Hmmm, no. I might have to do some skiing soon.
Surgeon: A beard, perhaps? Or something with a hand?
Blofeld: No, none of those. You could take away my earlobes, though.
Surgeon: Your earlobes? Is that important?
Blofeld: It may well be.
Surgeon: Very well. Some hair, perhaps? I have this nice fine gray right here?
Blofeld: Not this time.
Surgeon: Another time, I am sure, you will be gray.
Blofeld: Do not forget the nose.
Surgeon: In my opinion, the most difficult part of a plastic transformation.
Blofeld: I want the operation done tonight.
Surgeon: But, señor-
Blofeld: There’s no time left.
Surgeon: But Señor Blofeld, this is a most delicate procedure.
Blofeld: Tonight!
Surgeon: But of course.
Blofeld: Oh, and one more thing, Professor Balls- make me about ten inches taller.
Surgeon: Even a fellow you recently met will not recognize you.
Blofeld: Or perhaps this will happen to another fellow….
Comments
Dean Martin: Hey, great show Sam, great show!
Frank Sinatra: Yeah, you did well there.
Sammy: Thanks, guys.
Frank: Waddya wanna do now, fellas? Hit the casino?
Sammy: No, I got an idea- come with me, guys.
Dean: What you (Hic!) got in mind there, pally?
Sammy: It’s a surprise- follow me.
(Sammy leads Dean and Frank to a cinema.)
Frank: A film? You wanna watch a movie?
Sammy: Yeah, it’s the new James Bond movie “Diamonds Are Forever”.
Dean: Ha, Matt Helm beats James Bond every time.
Frank: Yeah, you would say that.
Sammy: This James Bond film is different- I’m in it!
Frank/Dean: What?
Sammy: No kidding, it’s set right here in Vegas. Just you wait until James goes into a casino, you’ll see me there!
Frank: Hey, that’s fantastic, Sam.
Dean: Last James Bond movie I saw (Hic!) there was this guy from New Zealand or somewhere being Bond.
Sammy: No, it’s back to the other fella. Hey, quiet guys, it’s starting.
(Onscreen.) Connery: My name ish Bond, Jamesh Bond.
Dean: Oh yeah, the big Irish guy, I remember him. (Hic!)
Sammy: Sshh!
(Time passes….)
Sammy: (Whispers.) Right guys, he’s going into the casino, watch carefully…
Frank: I don’t see you, Sam.
Dean: I see two James Bonds but I don’t see you.
Sammy: But.. but… I’m supposed to be there! Harry promised!
Dean: Looks like they cut you out of the movie, my man.
Sammy: I don’t understand, I’m supposed to be there!
Frank: Well, Sam, I only got one thing to say- that’s life, and I can’t deny it.
Mr Bleeker: (Getting into plane.) Good morning Mrs Bell, how are you?
Mrs Bell: I think I’m fully recovered now, thank you.
Mr Bleeker: Yes, that week in hospital seems to have done you good. No ill effects now?
Mrs Bell: The doctor says I should be careful to avoid stressful situations.
Mr Bleeker: That’s fine. Now, if you’ll just press this button here…
Mrs Bell: I see your plane is working again.
Mr Bleeker: Yes, the man from Washington, Mr Leiter, sent two men round with a lot of glue and the wings are back on and everything is as it was before. Now, if you’d take hold of this…
Mrs Bell: The, uh, other instructor won’t be back then?
Mr Bleeker: Now, we’ve been through this Mrs Bell. That man was not a qualified flight instructor and had no business giving you a lesson.
Mrs Bell: Yes, you did say that. I don’t, uh, suppose you have his address? Or perhaps his phone number?
Mr Bleeker: You’re thinking of breaking our contract? You still have at least six months of lessons to pay for!
Mrs Bell: No, it’s not that, I just thought you might know where he went to.
Mr Bleeker: No I don’t know his phone number, I don’t know his address, and I don’t know where he went to. Now, if you’d please just…
Mrs Bell: Perhaps that Mr Leiter might know his phone number?
Air Traffic Control: (Over radio.) Look, I’m sure this is all very fascinating but would you mind please moving that plane off our runway? Now!!!
Maz Kanata in Star Wars always reminds me of Mrs Bell, bless her.
LEE TAMAHORI: That’s it…make a face like you’re windsurfing away from the crest of a tidal wave, desperately battling the elements as you sail triumphantly through the air…
PIERCE BROSNAN: *pain face*
LEE TAMAHORI: Excellent Pierce! And…CUT! This’ll be one for the history books, eh?
PIERCE BROSNAN: You could say that…
"The spectre of defeat..."
Terence: Right, we’re all set here. Nikki, are you ready to go?
Nikki: Of course, Terence.
Terence: Right then, I’ll start the film where we stopped. 3...2...1
Nikki: “W6N... W6N... W6N. Calling G7W. How do you hear me? Over. “
Terence: Great, that was the last line I needed for that scene. Now…
Terence: Ok, film set up. Ready there, Nikki?
Nikki: Say when!
Terence: 3...2...1
Nikki: “Trench, Sylvia Trench. I admire your luck, Mr...”
Terence: Fine, thanks Nikki. Now just give me a few moments…
Terence: Right, organised. You set, Nikki?
Nikki: I’m ready.
Terence: Ok. 3...2...1
Nikki: “What are you doing here? Looking for shells?”
Terence: Great, thank you.
Nikki: Er, Terence?
Terence: Yes, Nikki, what is it?
Nikki: Am I doing ALL the female voices in this film?
Terence: No, no, of course not.
Nikki: Well, who am I not doing then?
Terence: Lois Maxwell is doing her own voice as Miss Moneypenny.
Nikki: All right, who else?
Terence: Er…. Either Sister Rose or Sister Lily.
Nikki: And that’s it?
Terence: Yes, I think so.
Nikki: That’s a bit “above and beyond”, don’t you think? I should get a credit, or a raise, or both!
Terence: Now, Nikki, that’s not in your contract.
Nikki: Well, how about a part where I get seen?
Terence: I can’t promise that. I can promise you more work, though.
Nikki: Hmph. All right…
1963
Terence: Ok, all set here. Nikki?
Nikki: Ready when you are.
Terence: Right. 3...2...1
Nikki: “Do what? Last time you said that, you went off to Jamaica. I haven't seen you for six months!”
Terence: ...and fine, thank you.
Nikki: Er, Terence?
Terence: Yes?
Nikki: About what we were discussing last time…?
Terence: Ah yes, I’ll see the producers and ask for you.
Nikki: Hmph. All right...
1964
Guy: If you’re ready, Nikki, let’s go. 3...2...1
Nikki: “He's got a diamond run: eight, nine, ten. He's holding on to the six of spades, so I guess he thinks you want it. That last draw was the eight of hearts. He needs kings and queens.”
Guy: That’s fine, thank you.
Nikki: Guy…
Guy: Yes, Nikki, what can I do for you?
Nikki: Terence said he’d see what he could do about getting me a part where I get seen. I don’t suppose…?
Guy: Hmmm, it’s a bit late in the day. Perhaps next time?
Nikki: Hmph. All right…
1965
Terence: If you’re ready, Nikki, let’s go. 3...2...1
Nikki: “Have you, now? Your name's James Bond and you've been admiring my form?”
Terence: Lovely, thank you.
Nikki: Terence….
Terence: Now, I know what you’re going to say, Nikki, but really you’d have to ask Mr Broccoli or Mr Saltzman about that.
Nikki: But they never come here for the dubbing! I don’t see them!
Terence: Ok, I’ll see what I can do- but no promises!
Nikki: Hmph. All right...
1967
Lewis: Right, all set here. Get set, Nikki. 3..2..1
Nikki: "Think again, please. You gave false name to priest."
Lewis: Great, thanks Nikki.
Nikki: Lewis…
Lewis: Can’t do it, Nikki. Not in my power, I’m afraid.
Nikki: Hmph. All right, but this is the last time!
1969
Peter: ...and we’re just about ready. Ok, Nikki, 3...2...1
Nikki: “Your father loves you very much, Tracy. Whatever he may arrange, I know it’s for your happiness”
Peter: Fine, Nikki, thank you.
Nikki: Peter…
Peter: Ah yes, Nikki. Afraid there’s not a lot I can do.
Nikki: Hmph. Right, that’s the last time I do this!
1971
Guy: You all set there, Nikki? 3..2..1
Nikki: “Is there something I can do for you?”
Guy: Thanks Nikki, that was fine.
Nikki: Guy, I mean it, I won’t do any more of these unless I get a proper part.
Guy: I told you, Nikki, you’d have to ask Harry or Cubby.
Nikki: I did ask Harry, and all he said was “Who are you?”
Guy: Sorry, Nikki.
Nikki: Hmph. All right…
1972
Guy: Nikki, don’t even ask me this time!
Nikki: Hmph. I’m not coming back! Never again!
1974
Guy: Ready there, 3...2..1
Nikki: "Why don't you come in and find out?" ....“Chew Mee” ... “Neither have I” ... “Bye-ee!”
Guy: And that’s fine, thanks.
Nikki: Guy, I-
Guy: Nikki, no!
Nikki: Hmph. Goodbye, all of you!
1979
Lewis: ...and ready. 3..2..1
Nikki: “I’m just a humble pilot in the service of the Drax Corporation”
Lewis: Great, Nikki, thanks.
Nikki: Er, Lewis…?
Lewis: Yes, Nikki?
Nikki: You know I’ve been doing this since the series began, don’t you?
Lewis: And very good you have been too, Nikki. Thank you.
Nikki: Well, I just thought-
Lewis: I’ll have a word with Cubby. I promise.
Nikki: Hmph.... I'm speechless!
Question: Why on earth did she ADR Jane Seymore in LALD?
If Guy Hamilton had been unhappy with the performance, he'd more likely have wanted the entire part revoiced.
A phone rings in the Newman residence.
Newman: Hello?
Mendes: Hey Thomas, how's it going?
Newman: Hey Sam, all good thanks, buddy! Nice to hear from you. Whatcha up to?
Mendes: Well I always said I wouldn't do it, but I'm gonna do another Bond. And I want you on board again.
Newman: That's wonderful, thanks Sam! But another 007 movie? Your last one was the highest grossing Bond film of all time. How on earth could you top that?
Mendes: Well I've got to be honest, I'm not sure I can. And I don't think that will be the biggest challenge.
Newman: Really? What will be?
Mendes: Well so many people have had a hand in writing the script, it's massive. I think it's gonna be the longest one yet. But we're committed to a premiere date, so that means it's going to be in editing right up until the last minute.
Newman: And that means....
Mendes: Yes. You'd normally be able to watch the rushes and write the soundtrack to fit it. But that's highly unlikely. So basically, you need to deliver a soundtrack without having seen any of the film. Sounds impossible, eh? Any if we don't deliver it, may the sky fall on our heads.
Newman: Hold on a minute Sam, you've given me an idea...
Once again C&D, I think you've hit the nail on the head!
Man 1: ...I was having a drink and then this odd thing happened...a Lotus car emerged from the sea and drove up onto the beach right past me.
Man 2: Really?
Man 1: Yep, honestly...then 2 years later I was sat having a drink in St Mark’s Square, Venice and a gondola comes sailing right past me!
Man 2: A gondola? Are you sure you hadn’t had one or two drinks more than usual?
Man 1: No, I’m telling you, this gondola sailed right past, damndest thing I ever saw, even a pigeon looked twice!
Man 2: Must have been extraordinary.
Man 1: Then, only last year, I was sat at a table having a drink at a ski resort and these skiers come flying through the air and ski right along my table, I tell you, unbelievable things happen to me.
Man 2: Yes, they do, heaven knows what will happen next?
Man 1: (Shaking his head and offering his hand) By the way, my name’s Victor Tourjansky...
Man 2: (Takes his hand) Bond...James Bond (smiles and raises right eyebrow).
Sir Hilary: Hum de dum, hum de dee....
(A door opens at the other end of the church. A black-cloaked priest points Sir Hilary out to two gendarmes who march up to him.)
1st Gendarme: Monsieur, je veux-
Sir Hilary: Oh I'm so sorry, dear sir, but I don't speak a word of French. I don't suppose you could speak in English, if that's not too much trouble.
1st Gendarme: Monsieur, would you please be able to identify yourself?
Sir Hilary: Why, of course, old chap. I am Sir Hilary Bray, Baronet. I work for the College of Arms in London.
2nd Gendarme: Mais c'est impossible!
Sir Hilary: English, dear boy.
2nd Gendarme: You cannot be Sir Hilary. We have had confirmed information that Sir Hilary Bray, Baronet, is in Switzerland. To be exact, he is at a clinic on top of Piz Gloria.
Sir Hilary: Ah.
1st Gendarme: I ask you again, monsieur, tell us who you are!
Sir Hilary: Well, it's frightfully complicated but really I am Sir Hilary, I mean I am the real Sir Hilary. Look here, see my passport.
2nd Gendarme: The real Sir Hilary in Switzerland also has a passport.
Sir Hilary: But really, you see-
1st Gendarme: I think you had better come with us.
Sir Hilary: But-
2nd Gendarme: Now, monsieur!
(They lead a sad Sir Hilary away.)
Guard: There's a small seaplane heading towrads your Island, should we take any action ?
Scaramanga : No, It's a guest I'm expecting ....... No he wont be leaving !
Guard : Staying for the weekend then, ....... Well, lucky him ! Four years Me and the lads
Have been here for four years, in rain, hail and snow looking after your precious secret
little Island and Not once have we got an invite over !!!!
Scaramanga : Look it's not always up to Me, Mr Fat is quite strict with the guest list, always
telling me to clean my room and don't see that other assassin as he's from a bad family and
they're a bit common.
Guard : Still one weekend party would have been appreciated
Scaramanga : I did send that welcome basket.
Guaed : Hey man a few jars of jam and biscuits just don't cut it.
Scaramanga : There were scented oils in that basket, they're not cheap and What about the mix tape
Guard : Eh ?
Scaramanga : Yes the mix tape, I put my soul in to those songs, do you know how hard it is to get
copies of The Skunnered in South East Asia !!
Guard : Sorry I forgot about that
Scaramanga : Look I can't promise anything but after I get rid of this old square, I see about setting up
a party for you guys
Guard : Would ya !! that's great !!
Scaramanga : I'll even try and get a keg of Beer, or at least some alco-pops it will be fun
Guard : Sure thing , ........ ( whispering ) you're not just saying that ?
Scaramanga : No way man, The only thing that could stop it is if this old Square can
shoot me in the heart, steal my boat and blow up my Island, and I can't see that happening !
Guard : Cool it's a date man .
Maybelle: How you feelin', JW?
JW: I’m fine, Maybelle, would you stop fussin' round me like a mother hen?
Maybelle: It’s just that I’ve been so worried about you, honey.
JW: Well, I’m fine. I was just thinkin' about buying a new automobile, if you must know.
Maybelle: Well, ain’t it better to do that when we get home?
JW: Maybe you’re right. Can’t wait to get back home.
Maybelle: We only just got here! Now you remember what the doctor said about you having a nice long rest.
JW: Sure, but why here? Why didn’t you pick somewhere closer to Louisiana?
Maybelle: The doctor said you were to get away from it all. All those nights of you lying there talking in your sleep about “Black Russians” and “English secret agents, from England.”
JW: Doctors don’t know nothin’!
Maybelle: You wanna get ready and we’ll go out?
JW: Sure don’t wanna stay here all day.
Maybelle: My brother Billy Bob came here a few years ago, said it was great. By the by, he wants to know when you're gonna pay for his new boat.
JW: You can tell that Billy Bob to take a flyin'-
(There is a knock on the door.)
JW: Come in!
(A steward opens the door.)
Steward: Good morning, Sir, Madam. Will you be eating here at the hotel today or going out?
JW: Goin’ out- ain’t gonna eat none of that muck you got here, boy.
Steward: Of course, Sergeant Pepper. (Exits.)
JW: That’s SHERIFF Pepper, boy! I ain’t none of them long-hair Beatles, that’s for sure!
Maybelle: JW, let’s go for a walk down by the river- they got markets there, and little boats to see.
JW: Sure, Maybelle. What’s the worst that could happen?
(And :x thank you)
Cubby: Are we all set then, Michael?
MGW: Seems ok, Cubby. Roger and Barbara are in position, the photographers are swarming everywhere. Ken is showing everybody the set.
Cubby: Good- ah, here we go now…
(A limousine drives up in front of the huge building. Out steps recently retired former UK Prime Minister Harold Wilson.)
Cubby: Good morning, sir, I’m the producer Cubby Broccoli and this is my stepson and assistant, Michael Wilson.
Wilson: Wilson, eh? Good name! We might be related!
(Polite laughter.)
MGW: Shouldn’t think so, sir. Not unless No.10 is the Batcave.
Cubby: And here is James Bond himself, Roger Moore.
Roger: Pleased to see you, sir.
Wilson: You used to be The Saint, didn’t you?
Roger: That’s right.
Wilson: I liked that show!
Cubby: Now, through here is our set which we’d like you to officially open. Just through this door…
(They enter the spectacularly well-lit sound stage to see the tanker set, complete with submarines- they're big and black and the drivers are very good friends. Photographers bustle around them, clicking away.)
Wilson: Now, this is very impressive. Very impressive indeed!
Photographers: Look here, everyone please! (Click! Click!) Can we have one of you all together? (Click! Click!) Now shaking hands! (Click! Click!)
Wilson: Where should I go, now?
Cubby: Well, the publicity people would like one of you abseiling down to the top of one of the submarines if you don’t mind.
Wilson: Abseiling?
Photographers: Yes, please! (Click! Click!)
Wilson: I think not. It would be a very foolish thing for anyone who is, was, or wants to be a Prime Minister to be photographed doing such a silly thing as abseiling.
Cubby: Perhaps you’re right.
Wilson: I mean, who could ever take such a person seriously ever again?
CUBBY BROCCOLI: Yes…hello?...is that Buckingham Palace?...we’d like to ask Her Majesty the Queen a favour…yes…if she might possibly consider appearing in the next James Bond film…just a small cameo…no, this isn’t a prank…what might she do exactly…well, we were thinking she could parachute off the Eiffel Tower…yes, I understand…sorry for calling…goodbye.
MICHAEL G WILSON: How did it go?
Eon Press Office. 1997.
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Yes…hello?...is that Buckingham Palace?...we’d like to ask Her Majesty the Queen a favour…yes…if she might possibly consider appearing in the next James Bond film…just a small cameo…absolutely seriously, sir….the role we were thinking of, you say? Well we thought perhaps Her Majesty might like to do a HALO parachute jump with Pierce Brosnan? No? Alright then. Thank you. Goodbye.
MICHAEL G WILSON: Any luck this time?
Eon Press Office. 2012.
BARBARA BROCCOLI: Yes…hello? …is that Buckingham Palace?...we’d like to ask Her Majesty the Queen a favour…yes…if she might possibly consider appearing in the next James Bond film…just a small cameo…we had in mind something along the lines of jumping out of a helicopter with Daniel Craig…she’s interested, you say? That’s great news, excellent…call back in a week or so? Fine. Thank you very much. Goodbye.
MICHAEL G WILSON: What happened?
BARBARA BROCCOLI: It worked! Third time’s the charm, I suppose…
"The spectre of defeat..."
And I had one for Sir Hilary, but different to yours
1969, Brittany, France. A hotel bedroom.
Sir Hilary: ...but you are a picture yourself and twice as beautiful in the firelight.
Young lady: Ooh, Sir Hilary, I didn’t think respectable baronets from colleges seduced females...
Sir Hilary: Lots of people think that, in fact I was teaching someone a few days ago everything about me as he wanted to behave like me on some sort of secret mission...
Young lady: Ooh, Sir Hilary, so that’s what you mean by doing some rubbings...
Sir Hilary: Ahhhhh...
Young lady: Is anything the matter, Sir Hilary?
Sir Hilary: Just a slight stiffness coming on...
Publisher: Ah, good morning Ian, thanks for coming in.
Fleming: Always happy to help out.
Publisher: I suppose you'd like a drink?
Fleming: You suppose correctly. Three measures of Gordon's, one of-
Publisher: On its way, Ian, on its way. Now, I'd like to have a chat with you about this new manuscript of yours.
Fleming: Oh yes? What seems to be the problem?
Publisher: Well, it's a bit different from your last one. Now that one I liked, I liked it a lot- Bahamas, Domino, Largo, Disco Volante, and that guy, what's his name, Bluefield?
Fleming: Blofeld. Ernst Stavro Blofeld.
Publisher: Yes, him. Great stuff, though we did get some letters from a fellow named McClory who didn't seem too pleased. Quite a lot of letters, actually....
Fleming: But this new manuscript...?
Publisher: Well, it's just different, very different. I'm up to Chapter 9 and there's no sign of James Bond. Are you sure you remembered to include him in the plot?
Fleming: Of course I included him! You didn't complain like this about "From Russia With Love"!
Publisher: "From Russia With Love" wasn't all about some girl's sex life!
Fleming: You don't like sex?
Publisher: It's just that there has to be something else going on apart from the sex! You'll need to tone it down a bit. No, make that a lot.
Fleming: You're just being prudish. It's the 1960s! Free love!
Publisher: It'll need to be changed. See, this bit here is a bit hard to read- he kisses her what?
Fleming: Let me see...
Publisher: Can't make it out. Begins with a "p", ends in a "y". He kisses her...?
Fleming: Passionately. He kisses her passionately.
Publisher: Well, that happens a lot. And other things. You're going to have to change it. And where the hell's James Bond?
Fleming: Keep reading- he'll turn up.
Publisher: Good title, though. Make a great movie some day....
Roger: Well, Cubby, it’s been great. Thanks for everything and-
Cubby: Hold on there, Roger. “Octopussy” was a big success for us, and we’d like you to come back one more time for the next film- what’s it called, Michael?
MGW: “A View To A Kill”. Dick & I have written a script which I’ve got right here.
Roger: That’s very flattering, and I’m sure it’s a great script, but really I think that these days I’m getting to be a bit too-
Cubby: Nonsense, Roger, I won’t hear a word of it. You look great.
Roger: Thank you again, but I feel it would be a bit-
Cubby: And the stuntmen can do the hard work… again. But more of it this time, and I’m pretty sure the audiences will never notice.
Roger: Again, I feel that perhaps I might be just a shade too-
MGW: Cubby, perhaps you should show Roger what we were discussing earlier?
Cubby: Sure. Roger, I’m writing a number down on this piece of paper. Would you like to have a look, please?
(Cubby passes a piece of paper with a figure written on it. Roger’s right eyebrow rises sharply.)
Roger: I’m very impressed, and appreciate that you value my services so highly, but honestly I don’t know that I could-
Cubby: Well, have a look at this then.
(Cubby passes Roger a second piece of paper. Both of Roger’s eyebrows head upwards.)
Roger: That’s… very generous. Very generous indeed. Though I have to say that it would really look-
MGW: Go for it, Cubby.
(Cubby sighs, and writes another figure on a piece of paper. This time it takes longer for him to write it. Roger’s eyebrows leave his forehead and orbit around the ceiling.)
Roger: ...so, Monday morning at Pinewood then? Say 9am?
Cubby: 9am is just fine. See you Monday, Roger.
Surgeon: So nice to see you again, Señor Blofeld. What shall it be this time?
Blofeld: It’s the scar- it has to go.
Surgeon: Oh? But I thought you really liked it.
Blofeld: Yes, it made a change but it has to go. For a few decades, anyway.
Surgeon: Of course. Perhaps this time, a hump?
Blofeld: No.
Surgeon: A limp?
Blofeld: Hmmm, no. I might have to do some skiing soon.
Surgeon: A beard, perhaps? Or something with a hand?
Blofeld: No, none of those. You could take away my earlobes, though.
Surgeon: Your earlobes? Is that important?
Blofeld: It may well be.
Surgeon: Very well. Some hair, perhaps? I have this nice fine gray right here?
Blofeld: Not this time.
Surgeon: Another time, I am sure, you will be gray.
Blofeld: Do not forget the nose.
Surgeon: In my opinion, the most difficult part of a plastic transformation.
Blofeld: I want the operation done tonight.
Surgeon: But, señor-
Blofeld: There’s no time left.
Surgeon: But Señor Blofeld, this is a most delicate procedure.
Blofeld: Tonight!
Surgeon: But of course.
Blofeld: Oh, and one more thing, Professor Balls- make me about ten inches taller.
Surgeon: Even a fellow you recently met will not recognize you.
Blofeld: Or perhaps this will happen to another fellow….