Maybelle Pepper: Why you wearing your uniform Jay Dubya, you’re off duty today?
J W Pepper: You never know when I’ll be needed, Maybelle....here you are, Merry Christmas.
(He hands her a present which she unwraps)
Maybelle: Why, a wooden figurine of a gooney bird, thank you Jay Dubya, you know how I like these ornaments. (She hands him an envelope). Here’s yours, merry Christmas.
(J W opens it). J W: Two tickets to Thailand? Why do I wanna go Thailand, Maybelle, full of pointy heads in pyjamas.
Maybelle: It will stop you brooding over that English spy fella.
J W: (shaking his head and gurning) He’s been here before, you know, I found out about him. Miami Beach, Kentucky, Vegas, he’s caused mayhem everywhere he’s been. On who’s side is he, that’s what I wanna know. What am I gonna do in Thailand, Maybelle?
Maybelle: They’ve got American car showrooms there...
J W: Maybe I can take a ride in one.
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
Owner: Number 007… ah yes, here it is. Nice to see you again, Mr…
Bond: Bond. James Bond.
Owner: Ah yes. One of our seamstresses spoke about you.
Bond: Nothing bad, I hope.
Owner: She said to tell you, she had a much easier time with your clothes this time, Mr Bond.
Bond: Easier? How so?
Owner: It was a much simpler matter for her to mend the two bullet holes than the knife cuts from last time.
Bond: Ah…
Owner: Although the scorch marks took some work to get rid of. It was fortunate that your tailor happened to use flameproof material for the tuxedo jacket.
Bond: Yes…
Owner: The lipstick on your shirt collar was also easier than last time. Perhaps your ladyfriend has changed her brand?
Bond: Well, you see-
Owner: Oh, I understand- different ladyfriend. Say no more.
Bond: If I could just-
Owner: And those marks under the left armpit, as if the shirt was in frequent contact with some leather strap kind of apparatus…
Bond: How much do I owe-
Owner: Very difficult to remove.
Bond: Let me just pay you and-
Owner: And if I’m not mistaken there were tyre marks also, which-
Bond: If you’d just-
Owner: Oh, that won’t be necessary, Mr Bond. Your mother came in and paid for your expenses.
Bond: My… mother?
Owner: Yes- small lady, short white hair?
Bond: Ah…
Owner: She was wearing-
Bond: It’s all right, I know who that is. (Picks up his laundry.) Thank you very much.
Owner: No problem. See you soon, Mr Bond. We’ll wash and dry another day.
Vesper: Oh darling, I’m so glad you’re feeling better. Let’s plan where we’ll disappear to!
Bond: But of course.
Vesper; How about Bangkok?
Bond: I’m not sure. There’s a certain boy in a canal, though he probably won’t recognise me- I’ve lost forty years and about four inches since then- but there’s a whole schoolful of kung-fu students that I wouldn’t want to run into again.
Vesper: I’ve always wanted to go to Louisiana.
Bond: I’ve always been wanted IN Louisiana.
Vesper: Paris! Of course, la belle Paris!
Bond: I think they’re still after me for violating most of the Napoleonic Code.
Vesper: Well then, I rather fancy a trip on the Orient Express.
Bond: I don’t know if I could stand that again.
Vesper: Again? Have you been on that train with another woman?!
Bond: (Realising he’s put his foot in it.) Er, how about Nassau?
Vesper: Is there any other reason, besides your enthusiasm for underwater sports?
Bond: Oh no, not at all.
Vesper: Hmmm… How about Jamaica?
Bond: I’ve been in Jamaica rather a lot, I think I’d prefer somewhere else.
Vesper: James, you’re behaving as if you’ve been absolutely everywhere. I might as well suggest outer space!
Bond: Ah…
Vesper: Don’t tell me you’ve been there too!
Bond: Just once.
Vesper: I know- Venice!
Bond: Hmm… should be all right. I’m sure they’ll all have forgotten about St Marks Square, the gondola, and the pigeon. Yes, let’s go there.
Vesper: Venice it is! What’s the worst that can happen?
(In alphabetical order) Barbel, Caractacus Potts, Charmed & Dangerous, Cool Hand Bond have a look at
Ian Fleming's CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG... how it most definitely wasn't.
Scene 1- The Potts household. The two children, Jemima and Jeremy, sit at a table playing a game with Truly Scrumptious. There is a loud “BANG!” and Caractacus Potts enters from his workshop, his face and hands blackened by the explosion.
Caractacus: Cor blimey, luv a duck me old china plates!
Jemima: Father, stop that kind of talk!
Truly: Yes, remember your elocution lessons, Caractacus.
Caractacus: Oh yes, that’s right. (Looks at his hands.) For a moment I was taken back to my old days working as a chimney sweep. (Sings.) Chim-chim-cheree...
Jeremy: It’s terrible to be so poor since Mother died.
Truly: Yes, I wish you’d take that money my father offered.
Caractacus: Never! I’m going to make it on my own with my wonderful inventions.
Jeremy: Here we go again…
Caractacus: This parking meter that releases gas if you overstay. This hovering tray so tea can be served quickly. This spring-loaded fake broken arm. This pen containing a highly concentrated mixture of nitric and hydrochloric acid, wonderful for-
Entire family: (Together, wearily.) Poison pen letters, yes we know.
Caractacus: A cigarette lighter with 82 functions - 83 if you use it to light a cigar. And this device, which emits an extraordinary light unknown in nature. I call it a (makes quotation marks) “laser beam”.
Jemima: That’s crazy, who’d buy that?
(There is a loud thump on the door.)
Caractacus: I wonder who that could be? Someone has heard about my marvellous inventions and come to buy them, I’d think!
Voice: (From outside.) Potts? Potts, we know you’re in there!
Caractacus: Oh, no...
Jemima: Who is it, father?
Caractacus: I think it could be the taxman…
Voice: (Still outside.) That’s right, it’s me, the taxman! And I have three bailiffs and two bank managers here with me - not to mention a gentleman named Saltzman who keeps banging on about money, is he your landlord or something? So it’s time for you to pay up!
Truly: Oh Caractacus, whatever shall we do?
Caractacus: First things first- let’s get out of here. Time to put my emergency escape plan into action!
(Caractacus carefully turns a teacup on the table, the teacup handle strikes the side of the honey jar, the honey jar overturns, spilling honey on the floor, the dog appears to lick up the honey, the dog's tail is tied to a lever, the lever opens a trap door beneath the kitchen table so the entire Potts family falls through the open trap door.)
Kids: Whee!!!
(Meanwhile, the opened trapdoor causes the kitchen table to overturn, blocking the front door just as the taxman is attempting to force the door. The pressure of the table against the door combined with the vibrations from without cause a hidden overhang to give way above the doorstep, releasing a fishnet over the head and arms of the taxman, impairing his movements, and last night’s full chamber-pot to land upside-down onto his head...)
Caractacus: Run, everyone!
(They run away from the house through the trees.)
Caractacus: Er, that’s as far as I planned things- where should we run to?
Truly: My Uncle Desmond’s workshop isn’t far- let’s all go there!
Scene 2. Eventually they arrive at a ramshackle old cottage, overgrown with ivy and wild flowers. A wooden gate bars their entry to a cobblestone pathway, thick with weeds. Truly flips open a wooden cap atop the gate, and depresses a hidden button. A sharp click accompanies a whirring sound. The gate starts to move, then falls off its hinges. Truly runs to the door and bangs sharply on it.
Truly: Uncle Desmond!
(After a few seconds, the door creaks open. A duck appears.)
Caractacus: (To Truly) Don't you mean Uncle Donald?
(The door opens. Underneath the duck is a diving mask, and underneath the mask is an elderly gentleman in a wetsuit and aqualung.)
Truly: Caractacus, children, this is my Uncle Desmond Qoggins. He's an inventor. Uncle Desmond, this is my fiancé, Caractacus Potts- he’s an inventor, too.
(Desmond walks backwards - no mean feat when wearing flippers - and bids them enter.)
Uncle Desmond: Just testing this out in the pond, Truly. How the devil are you? And hello to you, young man- Potts, is it?
Caractacus: Well, it was originally “Pott” but we didn’t want people getting the wrong idea.
Uncle Desmond: Anyway, what are you doing here?
Truly: Uncle, we need your help. We're being chased by the taxman, bailiffs and by a chap named Saltzman. Caractacus owes them money, and we need to escape. I was hoping that one of your wonderful inventions might help.
Uncle Desmond: Well I've been working on a jetpack, but it won't be ready for another year. Hmm. Come through to my workshop, I think I might have just the thing.
(Pushing aside lengths of metal tubing, colourful wires, dynamos and the like, they walk through Desmond's cottage and enter a workshop. A large, squat, rectangular shape sits beneath a tarpaulin. Desmond approaches and whips the tarpaulin off to reveal a gleaming vehicle: part boat, part car, with what appear to be bright yellow and red kites dotted around the exterior.)
Truly: And I suppose that’s completely inconspicuous….
Uncle Desmond: She's a twelve-cylinder, eight-litre, supercharged Paragon Panther. They only made one of them and then the firm went broke.
Jemima: Oh, it’s lovely!
Uncle Desmond: She had a pre-1914 war, chain-drive, 75 horse-power Mercedes chassis, in which was installed a -
Jeremy: (Interrupting.) Does it have a name?
Jemima: What shall we call it?
Uncle Desmond: I was originally going to call it after my mother-in-law, Deborah. She had a gargantuan posterior. It would never fit in an ordinary car so I designed this - my fifth prototype of the car.
Truly: Shall we call it, um, an Ass-Ton Debbie Five?
Caractacus: Yes, I like that!
Uncle Desmond: Oh, don’t be an idiot, Potts. Quite frankly, you’re going to need my help.
Potts: You know, you’re cleverer than you look.
Uncle Desmond: Better than looking cleverer than you are. Now pay attention, Potts. We’ve installed some interesting modifications.
(The sound of the taxmen and bailiffs approaching begins to make Potts nervous.)
Potts: How long will it take?
Uncle Desmond: Well, I won’t keep you for more than an hour or so if you give me your undivided attention. Now, this one I'm particularly keen about. You see the gear lever here? Now, if you take the top off you’ll find a little red button. Whatever you do, don’t touch it.
Caractacus: Look, I don’t want you to think I’m not grateful, but we have to leave here immediately!
(Potts & co get in the car and drive off, with the moneymen in hot pursuit.)
Uncle Desmond: Be careful, Potts, it’s just had a new coat of paint!
The fourth and final part of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, as rewritten by Charmed & Dangerous, CoolHandBond, Caractacus Potts (no, not that one), and me.
Scene 4. Chitty flies over the ocean.
Jemima: Oh, this is wonderful!
Jeremy: Father, do you think this is the Irish Sea?
Caractacus: Can’t be, there isn’t a border down the middle of it. We are heading east.
(They all sit back to enjoy the ride. After a while, the kids spot another flying car and wave. A black-haired little person waves back.)
Jeremy: Oh, look at that funny little man sat next to the chap who looks like Dracula.
Truly: That’s very rude, Jeremy, it’s not as if he wears green trainers, and there’s no reason to run down the little people.
Caractacus: I know him, his name is Darby O’Gill.
Truly: Oh, Caractacus, look down there!
Caractacus: That’s interesting - I’ve never seen a rocket land inside a volcano before.
Truly: No, not that - over there!
(The children and Truly turn to see a sprawling castle atop a pine-clad mountain.)
Truly: Oh, isn't that lovely. Do you think those two men in that flying car live there?
Caractacus: I'm sure at least one of them could be found hanging around in there. (Chitty splutters, and they hear two bangs in rapid succession.) A double blow-out? I've never seen one of those before. Hang on everyone, I think we may need to make a crash landing - and I forgot to pack the Union Jack parachutes...
(Chitty rapidly descends and, with as much grace as possible, crash lands among the pines. With the sudden impact, Truly and the children are knocked unconscious. Just before he passes out, Caractacus has time to see a squat but powerful-looking Asian man, dressed as a butler and holding a sturdy black hat in one hand, approaching them.
Some time later, the family awakens. A short, stout, flaming-red haired man in a bronze and gold tuxedo stands before them.)
The man: Greetings. My name is Baron Goldburst. Before my Korean manservant, Bob-a-Job, removes you, tell me: who are you, and what are you doing here?
Potts: My name is Potts - Caractacus Potts. (He lights a cigarette from a gunmetal cigarette case and inhales deeply). One-time Commander, but now an inventor.
Baron: An inventor, eh? Let me show you around…
(The Baron, warming to his subject, walks them through the castle. On one castle wall is a large schematic of a complex building surrounded by avenues, the words 'Operation Grand Slam' hastily scribbled out. They pass through an arch into a large workshop where a group of men swarm over a gold Rolls Royce.)
Baron: Oh that interesting car of yours. Mine is considerably less well-equipped but still has its secrets.
(Before Caractacus can interject they pass through another arch and descend some steps into a fortified vault in which a pile of gold ingots is neatly stacked.)
Baron: This is gold, Mr Potts. All my life I have been in love with its colour, its brilliance, its divine heaviness. Now, tell me more about these inventions of yours.
Caractacus: But of course. (He removes what appears to be a torch from his pocket). Here we have a device which is capable of projecting a spot on the moon - or at closer range, cutting through solid metal.
Baron: This may be useful to me. Pray demonstrate.
(Caractacus turns on the laser and waves it around - suddenly a white cat chases the beam, screeches and falls down dead, while the laser beam continues its path and slices the cat’s gold feeding bowl neatly in half.)
Caractacus: Oh dear, was it your pet?
Baron: No, I was looking after it for, er, a friend. Still, the problem of Bob-a- Job's dinner has been solved, anyway.
(The Baron holds out his hand and Caractacus passes the laser to him).
Baron: I think you’ve made your point, Mr Potts, thank you for the demonstration. I shall buy this from you!
Caractacus: You will? What would you want it for?
Baron: It’s for… um… an operation I have in mind. Shall we say ten thousand dollars? No, let’s be generous - let’s make it fifteen thousand.
Truly: Caractacus, our worries are over! You can pay the taxman and the bailiffs and the bank managers!
Caractacus: What about Mr Saltzman?
Truly: Well, maybe not him.
Baron: Well, Mr Potts, I think it may be time for you to return home now.
Caractacus: But how? Do you expect me to walk?
(The Baron pulls a cover off, revealing that Chitty Chitty Bang Bang has been fully repaired.)
Baron: No, Mr Potts, I expect you to fly!
(The family all get into the car. With two loud bangs, the engine sputters into life, and Caractacus leans over to kiss Truly.)
Kids: Eww! Get a room you two- this isn’t “Kissy Kissy Bang Bang!!!!
(Singing "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" as the car takes off, they all sit back to enjoy the ride. After a while, the kids spot the other flying car again and wave at its occupants. The black-haired little person waves back.)
Jeremy: Oh, look - there's that funny little man sat next to the chap who looks like Dracula again.
Truly: We've waved at him and he's waved back. Shall we wave once more?
Caractacus: I don't think so - we definitely want to avoid a third wave.
Yesterday unconfirmed reports came in of a possible sighting of a spy, a world famous spy here in Hawaii.
A local police spokesman said “We can add nothing to these as yet unconfirmed reports. There have been no sightings of swooping helicopters, no reports of gunfire, and no beautiful women found dead on beaches. Our traffic department has uncovered no evidence of cars going missing or being involved in ever more ridiculous chases, and certainly no trace of flying cars anywhere in the immediate vicinity. There has also been a lack of ski chases, but then again this is Hawaii.”
A tourist board official could offer no additional information, though said that it wouldn’t be surprising since Hawaii is one of the few places where the agent, the unnamed agent has not as yet been reported despite its obvious attractions.
A man wearing a tuxedo was allegedly spotted playing in a local casino, and winning large amounts of money by betting against the odds. One of those reporting the sighting was casino girl Miss Hijinks Honolulu, who said…
2006. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. They wait around for a punchline but nothing happens. Once a Welshman joins them, they head off to a local cinema and slip discreetly in to see a recently released movie….
Scotsman: What? No gunbarrel?
Englishman: No gunbarrel!
Welshman: And it’s in black & white!
Irishman: Oh, there’s the gunbarrel now.
Englishman: Call that a gunbarrel?
Scotsman: That’sh no gunbarrel!
Irishman: The song’s not bad, though. And now we’re in colour.
Welshman: But the titles…
Englishman: There’s not enough beautiful ladies.
Scotsman: There’sh no beautiful ladiesh! God, where’sh Maurishe Binder when you need him!?
Irishman: I think he’s slightly dead.
Englishman: That’s no excuse!
---------------------------------------------
Welshman: Ah, now he gets the car.
Scotsman: I alwaysh liked that car.
Irishman: Me too.
Englishman: (Sadly.) They never gave me one of those.
---------------------------
Welshman: Ah, right, here comes Judi.
Irishman: Dear Judi.
Scotsman: Sheer perfection. What a clashy lady she ish.
Englishman: Very true. (Pauses.) Anyone have her phone number?
--------------------------------------------
Englishman: And another thing, I haven’t spotted Q yet.
Irishman: Count yourselves lucky, it could have been John Cleese again.
(All shudder.)
Welshman: There’s only one Q.
Scotsman: Indeed.
All: (Together, wistfully.) Desmond….
-------------------------------
Englishman: Not tall enough.
Irishman: The hair’s too blond.
Welshman: Too muscular.
Scotsman: And the accent’sh not right at all.
----------------------------------------
Englishman: Not flippant enough.
Welshman: Not serious enough.
Irishman: Not charming enough.
Scotsman: Not shexy enough.
Welshman: Not sexy enough? How do you mean?
Scotsman: Well, he’sh been talking to that Veshper on the train for at leasht five minutesh, and she’sh shtill got her knickersh on.
-----------------------------------------
Welshman: What’s that guy doing with the chair?
Englishman: Cutting the seat out of it.
Scotsman: And they’re tying him into it.
Irishman: Now the villain’s going to…
Scotsman: Ow!
Englishman: Ouch!
Welshman: No!
Irishman: Hit him harder! Do it again!
-----------------------------------------
Scotsman: Ish that it? Ish it finished now?
Englishman: We must be getting near the end by now.
Welshman: (Looks at watch.) There’s still another half hour to go.
Comments
"One witness claims assassin was crying - page 8" 😁
N24- Hmm, a German tourist perhaps?
Gymkata-
"Don't worry, Mr Drax, it won't cost the Earth.... Oh, it will, I see."
1987
TANGIER TIMES
Correction Pages:
In a correction to last week’s story, the flying carpet above Tangier was not spotted. It was striped. We apologize for any misunderstanding caused.
CHRISTMAS DAY 1973.
Maybelle Pepper: Why you wearing your uniform Jay Dubya, you’re off duty today?
J W Pepper: You never know when I’ll be needed, Maybelle....here you are, Merry Christmas.
(He hands her a present which she unwraps)
Maybelle: Why, a wooden figurine of a gooney bird, thank you Jay Dubya, you know how I like these ornaments. (She hands him an envelope). Here’s yours, merry Christmas.
(J W opens it). J W: Two tickets to Thailand? Why do I wanna go Thailand, Maybelle, full of pointy heads in pyjamas.
Maybelle: It will stop you brooding over that English spy fella.
J W: (shaking his head and gurning) He’s been here before, you know, I found out about him. Miami Beach, Kentucky, Vegas, he’s caused mayhem everywhere he’s been. On who’s side is he, that’s what I wanna know. What am I gonna do in Thailand, Maybelle?
Maybelle: They’ve got American car showrooms there...
J W: Maybe I can take a ride in one.
😁 I always like those backstory ones, thanks CHB.
A laundry somewhere in London. James Bond enters.
Owner: Good day, sir.
Bond: Good day. I’ve come to collect my order.
Owner: Certainly, sir. May I see your ticket?
Bond: But of course.
(He hands over the ticket.)
Owner: Number 007… ah yes, here it is. Nice to see you again, Mr…
Bond: Bond. James Bond.
Owner: Ah yes. One of our seamstresses spoke about you.
Bond: Nothing bad, I hope.
Owner: She said to tell you, she had a much easier time with your clothes this time, Mr Bond.
Bond: Easier? How so?
Owner: It was a much simpler matter for her to mend the two bullet holes than the knife cuts from last time.
Bond: Ah…
Owner: Although the scorch marks took some work to get rid of. It was fortunate that your tailor happened to use flameproof material for the tuxedo jacket.
Bond: Yes…
Owner: The lipstick on your shirt collar was also easier than last time. Perhaps your ladyfriend has changed her brand?
Bond: Well, you see-
Owner: Oh, I understand- different ladyfriend. Say no more.
Bond: If I could just-
Owner: And those marks under the left armpit, as if the shirt was in frequent contact with some leather strap kind of apparatus…
Bond: How much do I owe-
Owner: Very difficult to remove.
Bond: Let me just pay you and-
Owner: And if I’m not mistaken there were tyre marks also, which-
Bond: If you’d just-
Owner: Oh, that won’t be necessary, Mr Bond. Your mother came in and paid for your expenses.
Bond: My… mother?
Owner: Yes- small lady, short white hair?
Bond: Ah…
Owner: She was wearing-
Bond: It’s all right, I know who that is. (Picks up his laundry.) Thank you very much.
Owner: No problem. See you soon, Mr Bond. We’ll wash and dry another day.
That whole conversation was simply an excuse to make that pun.
I'm not sure I'm in the financial bracket of your target audience....
The quality of the imaginary conversations remain high 😂😂😂
Thank you, N24. there's more in the pipeline! 😊
When I said there's more in the pipeline, I didn't realise how fast it would be!
Pradeep sure is one busy guy, Gymkata, I'm loving his phone calls! Did you ever read the "Imaginary Phone calls" thread?
Imaginary Phone Calls — ajb007
It's a predecessor to this thread.
Yes, that was the unconscious model for the earlier thread, too.
Gentlemen, these are still lethally good. 😂😂😂
2006
Bond and Vesper sit in a beautiful garden.
Vesper: Oh darling, I’m so glad you’re feeling better. Let’s plan where we’ll disappear to!
Bond: But of course.
Vesper; How about Bangkok?
Bond: I’m not sure. There’s a certain boy in a canal, though he probably won’t recognise me- I’ve lost forty years and about four inches since then- but there’s a whole schoolful of kung-fu students that I wouldn’t want to run into again.
Vesper: I’ve always wanted to go to Louisiana.
Bond: I’ve always been wanted IN Louisiana.
Vesper: Paris! Of course, la belle Paris!
Bond: I think they’re still after me for violating most of the Napoleonic Code.
Vesper: Well then, I rather fancy a trip on the Orient Express.
Bond: I don’t know if I could stand that again.
Vesper: Again? Have you been on that train with another woman?!
Bond: (Realising he’s put his foot in it.) Er, how about Nassau?
Vesper: Is there any other reason, besides your enthusiasm for underwater sports?
Bond: Oh no, not at all.
Vesper: Hmmm… How about Jamaica?
Bond: I’ve been in Jamaica rather a lot, I think I’d prefer somewhere else.
Vesper: James, you’re behaving as if you’ve been absolutely everywhere. I might as well suggest outer space!
Bond: Ah…
Vesper: Don’t tell me you’ve been there too!
Bond: Just once.
Vesper: I know- Venice!
Bond: Hmm… should be all right. I’m sure they’ll all have forgotten about St Marks Square, the gondola, and the pigeon. Yes, let’s go there.
Vesper: Venice it is! What’s the worst that can happen?
Now, just for a change of pace:
(In alphabetical order) Barbel, Caractacus Potts, Charmed & Dangerous, Cool Hand Bond have a look at
Ian Fleming's CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG... how it most definitely wasn't.
Scene 1- The Potts household. The two children, Jemima and Jeremy, sit at a table playing a game with Truly Scrumptious. There is a loud “BANG!” and Caractacus Potts enters from his workshop, his face and hands blackened by the explosion.
Caractacus: Cor blimey, luv a duck me old china plates!
Jemima: Father, stop that kind of talk!
Truly: Yes, remember your elocution lessons, Caractacus.
Caractacus: Elocution? Shocking. Positively shocking.
Truly: No, I said ELOCUTION.
Caractacus: Oh yes, that’s right. (Looks at his hands.) For a moment I was taken back to my old days working as a chimney sweep. (Sings.) Chim-chim-cheree...
Jeremy: It’s terrible to be so poor since Mother died.
Truly: Yes, I wish you’d take that money my father offered.
Caractacus: Never! I’m going to make it on my own with my wonderful inventions.
Jeremy: Here we go again…
Caractacus: This parking meter that releases gas if you overstay. This hovering tray so tea can be served quickly. This spring-loaded fake broken arm. This pen containing a highly concentrated mixture of nitric and hydrochloric acid, wonderful for-
Entire family: (Together, wearily.) Poison pen letters, yes we know.
Caractacus: A cigarette lighter with 82 functions - 83 if you use it to light a cigar. And this device, which emits an extraordinary light unknown in nature. I call it a (makes quotation marks) “laser beam”.
Jemima: That’s crazy, who’d buy that?
(There is a loud thump on the door.)
Caractacus: I wonder who that could be? Someone has heard about my marvellous inventions and come to buy them, I’d think!
Voice: (From outside.) Potts? Potts, we know you’re in there!
Caractacus: Oh, no...
Jemima: Who is it, father?
Caractacus: I think it could be the taxman…
Voice: (Still outside.) That’s right, it’s me, the taxman! And I have three bailiffs and two bank managers here with me - not to mention a gentleman named Saltzman who keeps banging on about money, is he your landlord or something? So it’s time for you to pay up!
Truly: Oh Caractacus, whatever shall we do?
Caractacus: First things first- let’s get out of here. Time to put my emergency escape plan into action!
(Caractacus carefully turns a teacup on the table, the teacup handle strikes the side of the honey jar, the honey jar overturns, spilling honey on the floor, the dog appears to lick up the honey, the dog's tail is tied to a lever, the lever opens a trap door beneath the kitchen table so the entire Potts family falls through the open trap door.)
Kids: Whee!!!
(Meanwhile, the opened trapdoor causes the kitchen table to overturn, blocking the front door just as the taxman is attempting to force the door. The pressure of the table against the door combined with the vibrations from without cause a hidden overhang to give way above the doorstep, releasing a fishnet over the head and arms of the taxman, impairing his movements, and last night’s full chamber-pot to land upside-down onto his head...)
Caractacus: Run, everyone!
(They run away from the house through the trees.)
Caractacus: Er, that’s as far as I planned things- where should we run to?
Truly: My Uncle Desmond’s workshop isn’t far- let’s all go there!
Scene 2 follows soon!
This is currently the best thread in the forum 🥇
🍸🍸🍸
CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG Part 2
Scene 2. Eventually they arrive at a ramshackle old cottage, overgrown with ivy and wild flowers. A wooden gate bars their entry to a cobblestone pathway, thick with weeds. Truly flips open a wooden cap atop the gate, and depresses a hidden button. A sharp click accompanies a whirring sound. The gate starts to move, then falls off its hinges. Truly runs to the door and bangs sharply on it.
Truly: Uncle Desmond!
(After a few seconds, the door creaks open. A duck appears.)
Caractacus: (To Truly) Don't you mean Uncle Donald?
(The door opens. Underneath the duck is a diving mask, and underneath the mask is an elderly gentleman in a wetsuit and aqualung.)
Truly: Caractacus, children, this is my Uncle Desmond Qoggins. He's an inventor. Uncle Desmond, this is my fiancé, Caractacus Potts- he’s an inventor, too.
(Desmond walks backwards - no mean feat when wearing flippers - and bids them enter.)
Uncle Desmond: Just testing this out in the pond, Truly. How the devil are you? And hello to you, young man- Potts, is it?
Caractacus: Well, it was originally “Pott” but we didn’t want people getting the wrong idea.
Uncle Desmond: Anyway, what are you doing here?
Truly: Uncle, we need your help. We're being chased by the taxman, bailiffs and by a chap named Saltzman. Caractacus owes them money, and we need to escape. I was hoping that one of your wonderful inventions might help.
Uncle Desmond: Well I've been working on a jetpack, but it won't be ready for another year. Hmm. Come through to my workshop, I think I might have just the thing.
(Pushing aside lengths of metal tubing, colourful wires, dynamos and the like, they walk through Desmond's cottage and enter a workshop. A large, squat, rectangular shape sits beneath a tarpaulin. Desmond approaches and whips the tarpaulin off to reveal a gleaming vehicle: part boat, part car, with what appear to be bright yellow and red kites dotted around the exterior.)
Truly: And I suppose that’s completely inconspicuous….
Uncle Desmond: She's a twelve-cylinder, eight-litre, supercharged Paragon Panther. They only made one of them and then the firm went broke.
Jemima: Oh, it’s lovely!
Uncle Desmond: She had a pre-1914 war, chain-drive, 75 horse-power Mercedes chassis, in which was installed a -
Jeremy: (Interrupting.) Does it have a name?
Jemima: What shall we call it?
Uncle Desmond: I was originally going to call it after my mother-in-law, Deborah. She had a gargantuan posterior. It would never fit in an ordinary car so I designed this - my fifth prototype of the car.
Truly: Shall we call it, um, an Ass-Ton Debbie Five?
Caractacus: Yes, I like that!
Uncle Desmond: Oh, don’t be an idiot, Potts. Quite frankly, you’re going to need my help.
Potts: You know, you’re cleverer than you look.
Uncle Desmond: Better than looking cleverer than you are. Now pay attention, Potts. We’ve installed some interesting modifications.
(The sound of the taxmen and bailiffs approaching begins to make Potts nervous.)
Potts: How long will it take?
Uncle Desmond: Well, I won’t keep you for more than an hour or so if you give me your undivided attention. Now, this one I'm particularly keen about. You see the gear lever here? Now, if you take the top off you’ll find a little red button. Whatever you do, don’t touch it.
Caractacus: Look, I don’t want you to think I’m not grateful, but we have to leave here immediately!
(Potts & co get in the car and drive off, with the moneymen in hot pursuit.)
Uncle Desmond: Be careful, Potts, it’s just had a new coat of paint!
On behalf of all the contributors, thank you N24.
More from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, by Charmed & Dangerous, CoolHandBond, Caractacus Potts and me-
Scene 3. The Potts family in the car, travelling down a coastal road.
Jemima: Oh, what a lovely car, father!
Caractacus: Yes, I’m rather pleased with it.
Jeremy: But such a beautiful car has to have a name. What shall we call it?
Caractacus: Why, just listen to the sound it makes- Clatter Clatter Bing Bong!
(All happily sing:)
Oh Clatter Clatter Bing Bong, Clatter Clatter Bing Bong, you’re so fine
Clatter Clatter Bing Bong. Clatter Clatter Bing Bong, make the sun shine!
You’re such a gorgeous car, no rival near or far
Clatter Clatter Bing Bong, you’re all mine!
Truly: Clatter Clatter Bing Bong? That’s a terrible name!
Caractacus: Do you have a better idea?
Jemima: Putter Putter Clang Clang?
(All start to sing:)
Oh Putter Putter Clang Clang, Putter Putter Clang Clang...
Truly: (Interrupting.) No, that’s even worse!
Jeremy: Duffer Sucker Jim Jam?
(Everyone starts to sing again:)
Oh Duffer Sucker Jim Jam, Duffer Sucker Jim Jam...
Truly: (Interrupting again.) No! No! No! We shall call it… Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!
Kids: Yes! Yes!
Caractus: You shouldn’t swear in front of the kids, Truly.
Truly: I said CHITTY CHITTY!
Caractacus: Ah, right. Hmph, well, I suppose so...
(They all draw breath to sing, but...)
Jemima: Father, father, look behind us!
Caractacus: What’s happening? Truly, look behind!
Truly: It’s the taxman and bailiffs- they’re chasing us!
(The moneymens car gets ever closer, as they shout for the Potts to stop. Caractacus puts the foot down.)
Kids: Faster, faster!
Truly: Oh no, they’re gaining on us.
Caractacus: I don’t know if I can make this go any faster.
Truly: Wait a moment… (She flips the top off the gear knob, revealing the small red button inside.)
Caractacus: But Uncle Desmond said we must never touch that button!
Truly: It doesn’t seem we have a choice.
(She presses the button. Wings sprout out from the side of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and the car takes to the air, leaving the furious moneymen behind.)
Kids: We’re flying!
Caractacus: It’s amazing! Uncle Desmond must have filled it with Red Bull!
Truly: But where can we go now?
Caractacus: Let’s just head off across the sea...
(More tomorrow.)
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Do villans call Lairs Incorporated and insist Ken Adam handles their project? 🤔
I would.
😂😂😂😂 I wonder if Lairs Incorporated will be hit by the new global tech tax?
The fourth and final part of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, as rewritten by Charmed & Dangerous, CoolHandBond, Caractacus Potts (no, not that one), and me.
Scene 4. Chitty flies over the ocean.
Jemima: Oh, this is wonderful!
Jeremy: Father, do you think this is the Irish Sea?
Caractacus: Can’t be, there isn’t a border down the middle of it. We are heading east.
(They all sit back to enjoy the ride. After a while, the kids spot another flying car and wave. A black-haired little person waves back.)
Jeremy: Oh, look at that funny little man sat next to the chap who looks like Dracula.
Truly: That’s very rude, Jeremy, it’s not as if he wears green trainers, and there’s no reason to run down the little people.
Caractacus: I know him, his name is Darby O’Gill.
Truly: Oh, Caractacus, look down there!
Caractacus: That’s interesting - I’ve never seen a rocket land inside a volcano before.
Truly: No, not that - over there!
(The children and Truly turn to see a sprawling castle atop a pine-clad mountain.)
Truly: Oh, isn't that lovely. Do you think those two men in that flying car live there?
Caractacus: I'm sure at least one of them could be found hanging around in there. (Chitty splutters, and they hear two bangs in rapid succession.) A double blow-out? I've never seen one of those before. Hang on everyone, I think we may need to make a crash landing - and I forgot to pack the Union Jack parachutes...
(Chitty rapidly descends and, with as much grace as possible, crash lands among the pines. With the sudden impact, Truly and the children are knocked unconscious. Just before he passes out, Caractacus has time to see a squat but powerful-looking Asian man, dressed as a butler and holding a sturdy black hat in one hand, approaching them.
Some time later, the family awakens. A short, stout, flaming-red haired man in a bronze and gold tuxedo stands before them.)
The man: Greetings. My name is Baron Goldburst. Before my Korean manservant, Bob-a-Job, removes you, tell me: who are you, and what are you doing here?
Potts: My name is Potts - Caractacus Potts. (He lights a cigarette from a gunmetal cigarette case and inhales deeply). One-time Commander, but now an inventor.
Baron: An inventor, eh? Let me show you around…
(The Baron, warming to his subject, walks them through the castle. On one castle wall is a large schematic of a complex building surrounded by avenues, the words 'Operation Grand Slam' hastily scribbled out. They pass through an arch into a large workshop where a group of men swarm over a gold Rolls Royce.)
Baron: Oh that interesting car of yours. Mine is considerably less well-equipped but still has its secrets.
(Before Caractacus can interject they pass through another arch and descend some steps into a fortified vault in which a pile of gold ingots is neatly stacked.)
Baron: This is gold, Mr Potts. All my life I have been in love with its colour, its brilliance, its divine heaviness. Now, tell me more about these inventions of yours.
Caractacus: But of course. (He removes what appears to be a torch from his pocket). Here we have a device which is capable of projecting a spot on the moon - or at closer range, cutting through solid metal.
Baron: This may be useful to me. Pray demonstrate.
(Caractacus turns on the laser and waves it around - suddenly a white cat chases the beam, screeches and falls down dead, while the laser beam continues its path and slices the cat’s gold feeding bowl neatly in half.)
Caractacus: Oh dear, was it your pet?
Baron: No, I was looking after it for, er, a friend. Still, the problem of Bob-a- Job's dinner has been solved, anyway.
(The Baron holds out his hand and Caractacus passes the laser to him).
Baron: I think you’ve made your point, Mr Potts, thank you for the demonstration. I shall buy this from you!
Caractacus: You will? What would you want it for?
Baron: It’s for… um… an operation I have in mind. Shall we say ten thousand dollars? No, let’s be generous - let’s make it fifteen thousand.
Truly: Caractacus, our worries are over! You can pay the taxman and the bailiffs and the bank managers!
Caractacus: What about Mr Saltzman?
Truly: Well, maybe not him.
Baron: Well, Mr Potts, I think it may be time for you to return home now.
Caractacus: But how? Do you expect me to walk?
(The Baron pulls a cover off, revealing that Chitty Chitty Bang Bang has been fully repaired.)
Baron: No, Mr Potts, I expect you to fly!
(The family all get into the car. With two loud bangs, the engine sputters into life, and Caractacus leans over to kiss Truly.)
Kids: Eww! Get a room you two- this isn’t “Kissy Kissy Bang Bang!!!!
(Singing "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" as the car takes off, they all sit back to enjoy the ride. After a while, the kids spot the other flying car again and wave at its occupants. The black-haired little person waves back.)
Jeremy: Oh, look - there's that funny little man sat next to the chap who looks like Dracula again.
Truly: We've waved at him and he's waved back. Shall we wave once more?
Caractacus: I don't think so - we definitely want to avoid a third wave.
THE END
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"This is Pradeep from Lairs Incorporated speaking. We are happy to handle the building of your new lair, Mr......... (checks papers) Blofeld."
"Yes. I trust the construction will start shortly?"
"Only one detail left. It's the insurance damage waiver for your beautiful new lair."
"Of course"
"Will you need the extended package?"
"Yes"
"Fire?"
"Probably"
"Property destruction?"
"Definitely"
"The standard insurance against 00-section and other MI6 involvement?"
"If history has taught us anything, yes."
"Personal injury?"
"I hope not, but accidents do happen."
(Pradeep muttering to himself) "They frequently do with you. "
(Blofeld speaking with the warmth and affection of a starving hyena) "Excuse me?"
(Pradeep's voice has suddenly developed a distinct tremble) "Nothing! Do we need any other protection?"
"Only from me, Pradeep, if I hear any more insolent remarks from you..."
Pradeep "Certainly not, Mr. Blofeld. That takes care of the normal wear and tear. Shall we say that's the end of today's business? "
"Shall we.....?"
Oh, well done N24! A great spin on Gymkata's idea!
Pick a year.
HAWAII HOTLINE
Possible sighting of well-known secret agent
Yesterday unconfirmed reports came in of a possible sighting of a spy, a world famous spy here in Hawaii.
A local police spokesman said “We can add nothing to these as yet unconfirmed reports. There have been no sightings of swooping helicopters, no reports of gunfire, and no beautiful women found dead on beaches. Our traffic department has uncovered no evidence of cars going missing or being involved in ever more ridiculous chases, and certainly no trace of flying cars anywhere in the immediate vicinity. There has also been a lack of ski chases, but then again this is Hawaii.”
A tourist board official could offer no additional information, though said that it wouldn’t be surprising since Hawaii is one of the few places where the agent, the unnamed agent has not as yet been reported despite its obvious attractions.
A man wearing a tuxedo was allegedly spotted playing in a local casino, and winning large amounts of money by betting against the odds. One of those reporting the sighting was casino girl Miss Hijinks Honolulu, who said…
(Continued on Page 6.)
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In other news:
White cat released from quarantine- Page 2
Suspicious activity reported around local volcano- Page 3
Elderly man in red jacket seeks import licence for unusually equipped car- Page 4
Reading of Steve McGarrett’s will has some surprises- Page 5
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These are all brilliant - well done also Number24 for your spin on Gymkata’s hilarious series 🍸
What, no Higgins?????
2006. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. They wait around for a punchline but nothing happens. Once a Welshman joins them, they head off to a local cinema and slip discreetly in to see a recently released movie….
Scotsman: What? No gunbarrel?
Englishman: No gunbarrel!
Welshman: And it’s in black & white!
Irishman: Oh, there’s the gunbarrel now.
Englishman: Call that a gunbarrel?
Scotsman: That’sh no gunbarrel!
Irishman: The song’s not bad, though. And now we’re in colour.
Welshman: But the titles…
Englishman: There’s not enough beautiful ladies.
Scotsman: There’sh no beautiful ladiesh! God, where’sh Maurishe Binder when you need him!?
Irishman: I think he’s slightly dead.
Englishman: That’s no excuse!
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Welshman: Ah, now he gets the car.
Scotsman: I alwaysh liked that car.
Irishman: Me too.
Englishman: (Sadly.) They never gave me one of those.
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Welshman: Ah, right, here comes Judi.
Irishman: Dear Judi.
Scotsman: Sheer perfection. What a clashy lady she ish.
Englishman: Very true. (Pauses.) Anyone have her phone number?
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Englishman: And another thing, I haven’t spotted Q yet.
Irishman: Count yourselves lucky, it could have been John Cleese again.
(All shudder.)
Welshman: There’s only one Q.
Scotsman: Indeed.
All: (Together, wistfully.) Desmond….
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Englishman: Not tall enough.
Irishman: The hair’s too blond.
Welshman: Too muscular.
Scotsman: And the accent’sh not right at all.
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Englishman: Not flippant enough.
Welshman: Not serious enough.
Irishman: Not charming enough.
Scotsman: Not shexy enough.
Welshman: Not sexy enough? How do you mean?
Scotsman: Well, he’sh been talking to that Veshper on the train for at leasht five minutesh, and she’sh shtill got her knickersh on.
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Welshman: What’s that guy doing with the chair?
Englishman: Cutting the seat out of it.
Scotsman: And they’re tying him into it.
Irishman: Now the villain’s going to…
Scotsman: Ow!
Englishman: Ouch!
Welshman: No!
Irishman: Hit him harder! Do it again!
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Scotsman: Ish that it? Ish it finished now?
Englishman: We must be getting near the end by now.
Welshman: (Looks at watch.) There’s still another half hour to go.
Irishman: What? Are you kidding me?
Englishman: Sit back and get comfortable, chaps.
Scotsman: Oh Lord….
Barbel, this is great, but no Australian? It really isn't happening for the other fellow.