1983. Eon HQ, disguised as an iceberg off Siberia. Cubby Broccoli (Producer), his stepson Michael G. Wilson (Executive Producer/Screenwriter), Richard Maibaum (long time Screenwriter), John Glen (Director), Barbara Broccoli (Assistant Director, but more importantly Cubby's daughter).
Cubby: (Putting down a wax effigy of Kevin McClory into which he's been carefully sticking pins.) So, everyone, we need to pick a title for our next Bond film. We’ve used up all the Fleming novels, plus the title of his short story collection “For Your Eyes Only”.
Richard: We could start looking at the short stories…?
John: What are the titles there, then?
Richard: Well, there’s “From A View To A Kill”.
Cubby: Wow, now there's a mouthful- maybe if we shortened that a bit it might do. What else?
Richard: “Quantum Of Solace”.
MGW: Hey, I like that!
BB: Me too!
Cubby: What? Terrible title. Imagine making a hit song from that title?
Richard: It'd certainly be another way to die in the charts. How about “Risico”?
John: That one sounds like risky business to me. And the 'sico' bit sounds, well...
Richard: Absolutely, James Bond it's not. (Pauses.) How about "The Hildebrand Rarity”?
Cubby: Oh no, that won’t do at all. Sounds like a second-hand bookshop in the backstreets of London.
BB: There is another book of short stories, you know....
Cubby: What’s it called?
Richard: That would be “Octopussy and The Living Daylights”.
John: Huh?
Richard: It’s usually shortened just to “Octopussy”.
Cubby: Octopussy?
MGW: Yes, but clearly we can’t use that because-
Cubby: Octopussy! I like it!
John: You do?
Cubby: I do!
MGW: But Cubby, don’t you think - puss...
Cubby: It’s a genuine Fleming title, much better than us thinking up something including “Die” or “Kill” or “Gold”.
John: Yes, I can't see us ever using those in a title again.
BB: Never say never, John...
MGW: (Shocked, positively shocked.) Barbara!
Cubby: Richard, you and Michael start working on that right away. It'll be an all-time high!
MGW: What about “From A View To A Kill”? Or “The Living Daylights”?
Cubby: Oh, we’ll get round to those...
(He picks up the wax effigy again, with a fresh handful of pins.)
Barbel: All these years, we’ve been devoting our time and money to James Bond, and what has James Bond ever done for us?
(There is an uncomfortable pause.)
Charmed & Dangerous: Well, there’s the car chases…
Barbel: Of course, the car chases. But apart from the car chases what has James Bond ever done for us?
Number 24: There have been all the beautiful ladies.
Barbel: Obviously the beautiful ladies, but apart from the car chases and the beautiful ladies, what has James Bond ever done for us?
Higgins: There’s been the watches.
Barbel: What?
Higgins: The watches. There have been many wonderful watches for us to envy and maybe buy.
Barbel: Well, yes, that’s true.
Gymkata: And the theme songs.
Barbel: The theme songs?
Gymkata: Yes, loads of fantastic theme songs which we all love. And “Another Way To Die” as well.
Barbel: Okay, but apart from the car chases, the beautiful women, the watches and the fantastic theme songs, what has James Bond ever done for us?
The Bond Experience: The clothes.
Barbel: The clothes?
The Bond Experience: Yes, all of those incredible suits that he wears, which many of us try to copy at an affordable price.
Barbel: Yes, well…
Westward Drift: And the great locations, showing us parts of the world for us to aim at seeing one day.
Spectre Of Defeat: Don’t forget the witty lines- loads of them, which we’ve all tried to copy.
Barbel: All right, all right, but apart from the car chases, the beautiful ladies, the desirable watches, the fantastic theme songs, the enviable clothes, the great locations, and the witty lines we all want to copy: what has James Bond ever done for us?
CoolHandBond: Don't forget the intricate plots.
caractacus potts: And the excitement.
Barbel: Right, that’s it- I’m off to a “Star Wars” forum!
I was wondering if I was going to get mentioned and there I am just at the end, better late than never, which should be the title of the new Bond film!
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
W_D, That line should be called 'The C&D Rarity' - as in, the best lines are always Barbel's, not mine. That one just occurred to me as I was reading his brilliant draft.
May 4th (and may the fourth be with you, too) 1979.
The day after the UK General Election. New Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher settles into her office at No 10 Downing Street, assisted by the Cabinet Secretary.
Secretary: ...so, ma’am, it is customary that you receive a congratulatory call from the American President, Mr Carter.
Thatcher: Humph! (Rolls her eyes.)
Secretary: Please, Prime Minister, you must not do that.
Thatcher: What? What do you mean?
Secretary: You must not roll your eyes when I mention President Carter.
(Thatcher rolls her eyes again.)
Thatcher: I did nothing of the sort.
Secretary: You did, ma’am, you must retain a straight face in all occasions, a poker face if you will.
Thatcher: That is very true. All right, say his name again.
Secretary: President Jimmy Carter.
(Thatcher struggles, and with a great deal of effort manages to keep a poker face.)
Secretary: Excellent, Prime Minister.
Thatcher: I will most certainly keep that in mind. Now, who is my first visitor today?
Secretary: Sir Frederick Gray, ma’am.
(Thatcher rolls her eyes.)
Secretary: It’s all right, that one you’re allowed to roll your eyes at.
Thatcher: Well, send him in then.
(The Cabinet Secretary calls in Sir Frederick Gray.)
Gray: May I say congratulations, Prime Minister?
Thatcher: That you most certainly may. Now, Sir Frederick, I must congratulate you as well.
Gray: Me, ma’am?
Thatcher: I have never seen a political manoeuvre as deft and well-handled as the one you pulled yesterday.
Gray: Ah, well…
Thatcher: The moment the result became clear, you resigned as Minister Of Defence and changed party from the losing one to the winning one- mine.
Gray: It seemed the most prudent thing to do.
Thatcher: And no doubt you are now hoping that I return you to your previous post as Minister Of Defence?
Gray: If one can be of service in that area.
Thatcher: Well, that is exactly what I am going to do.
Gray: Thank you, Prime Minister.
Thatcher: I was most impressed with your handling of that submarine business, with Karl Stromberg and the tanker Liparus, two years ago.
Gray: Why, thank you ma’am.
Thatcher: I have read your report, about how your man… what was it, 0006?
Gray: 007, ma’am.
Thatcher: Yes, 007 followed your orders exactly to bring the matter to a successful conclusion.
Gray: That is so.
Thatcher: Good. Because now I have another task for you. Have you heard of Drax Industries and the Moonraker….?
(Strongly influenced by Tracey Ullman and her wonderful Angela Merkel impression.)
This floor-crossing revelation makes complete sense, as we see in Moonraker Gray is a selfserving hypocrite. He is first in line to congratulate Bond for saving the world, yet ordered him off the case halfway through the story. Just watching the film, where there is no comment on his behaviour, that may seem an unintended contradiction in the plot. But in his novelization, Wood shows us Gray's interior thoughts as he tries to congratulate Bond at the end of the film, he is definitely an opportunistic slimeball of a career politician
He is indeed. Crossing the floor is the only explanation I can think of for how he is Defence Minister under a Labour government in TSWLM and under a Conservative government for the rest of his appearances.
I'd just like to apologize to Satan for any offence caused above.
btw thanks for giving me a line in the above Life of Brian style sketch
but just for the record, its not so much the excitement I like, its the escapism, the wish-fullfillment fantasy, and the firm belief the Spy who Loved Me is like a Tintin adventure for big boys who are just starting to notice that girls are different. But to say all that would spoil the rhythm of the sketch, so excitement will do.
Comments
1963. The Norman household.
Diana: Darling, I wish you’d stop pacing up and down like that.
Monty: But it’s so near the time and they haven’t called.
Diana: Just try and relax, my love.
Monty: I can’t relax! They start shooting “From Russia With Love” any day now and still they haven’t phoned me.
Diana: Here, let me sing to you. (Sings.) Underneath the mango tree, my honey and me-
Monty: I wrote them that song! And “Jump Up”!
Diana: And “Three Blind Mice”.
Monty Yes, that’s right, I wrote "Three Blind Mice"..... well, I wrote “Kingston Calypso” which isn’t “Three Blind Mice” at all.
Diana: I remember.
Monty: And most important of all…
Diana: (Knows what’s coming.) Yes, dear?
Monty: I wrote “The James Bond Theme”!
Diana: Of course you did, my darling.
Monty: Ha! Yes, I wrote that myself!
Diana: Of course you did, my love.
Monty: Yes, all by myself with no help from anyone else. That’s why they have to choose me to write the music for “From Russia With Love”.
Diana: Yes, my-
Monty: And “Goldfinger”, and “Thunderball” and “You Only Live Twice” and “On Her Majesty’s-
Diana: (Firmly.) YES, dear. Now try and relax. Here, I’ll turn the radio on.
(Music fills the room.)
Monty: Now, that’s really good.
Radio: And that was the latest from the John Barry Seven, it’s-
Monty: Aargh!
1963. As James and Tatiana ride in a gondola, he begins to kiss her.
Tatiana: James, behave yourself. We are being filmed.
James: Oh no, not again.
(He brings out a roll of film, holds some up to the light and examines it.)
James: He was right, you know.
Tatiana: What is it?
James: I’ll show you.
(As they kiss, James lets the film unroll and drop into the water. Music begins to swell...)
Passing Gondolier: Hey, you! You there!
James: Me? What?
Gondolier: We have strict litter rules here in Venice. You take this back!
(He picks up the film with his pole and hands it back to a rather embarrassed James.)
Gondolier: And don’t do that again!
Tatiana: This film, let me see.
James: No, Tatiana, please-
(But he is too late. Tatiana has grabbed the film and is holding it up to the light.)
Tatiana: Oh, I know this room. And I think I recognise…. Oh!
James: Tatiana, I can explain-
Tatiana: You need to explain nothing! I can see it all now!
James: But, my darling-
Tatiana: You pervert!
(She grabs the pole from their gondolier and begins battering James with it.)
James: Please, no, Tatiana- Ow! Argh!
(His yells are drowned out by the rising voice of Matt Monro.)
😂😂😂 These are brilliant -as always, Barbel! '...and that was the latest from the John Barry Seven...' 🤣🤣
Thank you, C&D. 😊
Written by Charmed & Dangerous & Barbel.
1983. Eon HQ, disguised as an iceberg off Siberia. Cubby Broccoli (Producer), his stepson Michael G. Wilson (Executive Producer/Screenwriter), Richard Maibaum (long time Screenwriter), John Glen (Director), Barbara Broccoli (Assistant Director, but more importantly Cubby's daughter).
Cubby: (Putting down a wax effigy of Kevin McClory into which he's been carefully sticking pins.) So, everyone, we need to pick a title for our next Bond film. We’ve used up all the Fleming novels, plus the title of his short story collection “For Your Eyes Only”.
Richard: We could start looking at the short stories…?
John: What are the titles there, then?
Richard: Well, there’s “From A View To A Kill”.
Cubby: Wow, now there's a mouthful- maybe if we shortened that a bit it might do. What else?
Richard: “Quantum Of Solace”.
MGW: Hey, I like that!
BB: Me too!
Cubby: What? Terrible title. Imagine making a hit song from that title?
Richard: It'd certainly be another way to die in the charts. How about “Risico”?
John: That one sounds like risky business to me. And the 'sico' bit sounds, well...
Richard: Absolutely, James Bond it's not. (Pauses.) How about "The Hildebrand Rarity”?
Cubby: Oh no, that won’t do at all. Sounds like a second-hand bookshop in the backstreets of London.
BB: There is another book of short stories, you know....
Cubby: What’s it called?
Richard: That would be “Octopussy and The Living Daylights”.
John: Huh?
Richard: It’s usually shortened just to “Octopussy”.
Cubby: Octopussy?
MGW: Yes, but clearly we can’t use that because-
Cubby: Octopussy! I like it!
John: You do?
Cubby: I do!
MGW: But Cubby, don’t you think - puss...
Cubby: It’s a genuine Fleming title, much better than us thinking up something including “Die” or “Kill” or “Gold”.
John: Yes, I can't see us ever using those in a title again.
BB: Never say never, John...
MGW: (Shocked, positively shocked.) Barbara!
Cubby: Richard, you and Michael start working on that right away. It'll be an all-time high!
MGW: What about “From A View To A Kill”? Or “The Living Daylights”?
Cubby: Oh, we’ll get round to those...
(He picks up the wax effigy again, with a fresh handful of pins.)
Is this an all time high? 🤣
Not quite...
2021. AJB HQ, inside a hollowed-out volcano.
Barbel: All these years, we’ve been devoting our time and money to James Bond, and what has James Bond ever done for us?
(There is an uncomfortable pause.)
Charmed & Dangerous: Well, there’s the car chases…
Barbel: Of course, the car chases. But apart from the car chases what has James Bond ever done for us?
Number 24: There have been all the beautiful ladies.
Barbel: Obviously the beautiful ladies, but apart from the car chases and the beautiful ladies, what has James Bond ever done for us?
Higgins: There’s been the watches.
Barbel: What?
Higgins: The watches. There have been many wonderful watches for us to envy and maybe buy.
Barbel: Well, yes, that’s true.
Gymkata: And the theme songs.
Barbel: The theme songs?
Gymkata: Yes, loads of fantastic theme songs which we all love. And “Another Way To Die” as well.
Barbel: Okay, but apart from the car chases, the beautiful women, the watches and the fantastic theme songs, what has James Bond ever done for us?
The Bond Experience: The clothes.
Barbel: The clothes?
The Bond Experience: Yes, all of those incredible suits that he wears, which many of us try to copy at an affordable price.
Barbel: Yes, well…
Westward Drift: And the great locations, showing us parts of the world for us to aim at seeing one day.
Spectre Of Defeat: Don’t forget the witty lines- loads of them, which we’ve all tried to copy.
Barbel: All right, all right, but apart from the car chases, the beautiful ladies, the desirable watches, the fantastic theme songs, the enviable clothes, the great locations, and the witty lines we all want to copy: what has James Bond ever done for us?
CoolHandBond: Don't forget the intricate plots.
caractacus potts: And the excitement.
Barbel: Right, that’s it- I’m off to a “Star Wars” forum!
I guess this is my legacy after the political threads closed. It's though, but it's better than not being remembered at all. It's my cross to bear. 😔
Superb! 🤣🤣🤣🍸
I bet 'the other place' doesn't have a thread or a post as funny as this. Splitters!
Secretly we do remember you primarily for your piercing political insight, Number24. Your, ah, exposes are never less than incredibly impressive.
Yes, it's imortant shed light on areas usually kept in the dark and reveal them to the public.
(TP did these posts better than anyone. All the rest of is can do is to try 😏)
Excellent stuff, gentlemen,
Cubby: Oh no, that won’t do at all. Sounds like a second-hand bookshop in the backstreets of London.
High Street, Cubby, High Street! 😂😂😂
I was wondering if I was going to get mentioned and there I am just at the end, better late than never, which should be the title of the new Bond film!
CoolHandBond: Don't forget the intricate plots.
caractacus potts: And the excitement.
Barbel: Right, that’s it- I’m off to a “Star Wars” forum!
Brilliant! 😂
"The spectre of defeat..."
Honored to have made the list, Barbel. I love "The Life of Brian."
Great shout out to Sico and AJB. How long have you been saving that arrow in your quiver?
Thanks, everyone. 😁
Westward_Drift, you'd need to ask C&D- that was his line (and an excellent one, too).
🍸
W_D, That line should be called 'The C&D Rarity' - as in, the best lines are always Barbel's, not mine. That one just occurred to me as I was reading his brilliant draft.
1967. Japan. James and Kissy lie in a dinghy near a volcano.
James: Now, about that honeymoon…
Kissy: Why not? But they’ll never let you stay.
James: But they’ll never find ush.
(A submarine (with “M1” on the conning tower) surfaces beneath them. Inside… )
Officer: Dinghy’s aboard, sir.
M: Tell him to come below and report.
Moneypenny: It’ll be a pleasure, sir.
(Outside the sub, a hatch opens and Miss Moneypenny emerges. James sighs.)
Moneypenny: Report to the Admiral at once, Commander Bond.
James: But of courshe.
(He goes down the hatch. As Kissy begins to follow, Moneypenny jabs her sharply in the ribs, sending her overboard.)
Kissy: Aieee! (Splash.)
(Moneypenny quickly follows James down the hatch and closes it.)
Moneypenny: Captain, submerge at once and make maximum speed. M’s orders.
Captain: Aye aye, ma’am.
James: Where’sh Kisshy?
Moneypenny: Oh, she’ll be floating around here somewhere.
(Moneypenny smiles contentedly and heads back to her onboard office.)
Miss Moneypenny, the real reason why James's relationship don't last. 😂
As if I would forget you!!!! 😁
May 4th (and may the fourth be with you, too) 1979.
The day after the UK General Election. New Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher settles into her office at No 10 Downing Street, assisted by the Cabinet Secretary.
Secretary: ...so, ma’am, it is customary that you receive a congratulatory call from the American President, Mr Carter.
Thatcher: Humph! (Rolls her eyes.)
Secretary: Please, Prime Minister, you must not do that.
Thatcher: What? What do you mean?
Secretary: You must not roll your eyes when I mention President Carter.
(Thatcher rolls her eyes again.)
Thatcher: I did nothing of the sort.
Secretary: You did, ma’am, you must retain a straight face in all occasions, a poker face if you will.
Thatcher: That is very true. All right, say his name again.
Secretary: President Jimmy Carter.
(Thatcher struggles, and with a great deal of effort manages to keep a poker face.)
Secretary: Excellent, Prime Minister.
Thatcher: I will most certainly keep that in mind. Now, who is my first visitor today?
Secretary: Sir Frederick Gray, ma’am.
(Thatcher rolls her eyes.)
Secretary: It’s all right, that one you’re allowed to roll your eyes at.
Thatcher: Well, send him in then.
(The Cabinet Secretary calls in Sir Frederick Gray.)
Gray: May I say congratulations, Prime Minister?
Thatcher: That you most certainly may. Now, Sir Frederick, I must congratulate you as well.
Gray: Me, ma’am?
Thatcher: I have never seen a political manoeuvre as deft and well-handled as the one you pulled yesterday.
Gray: Ah, well…
Thatcher: The moment the result became clear, you resigned as Minister Of Defence and changed party from the losing one to the winning one- mine.
Gray: It seemed the most prudent thing to do.
Thatcher: And no doubt you are now hoping that I return you to your previous post as Minister Of Defence?
Gray: If one can be of service in that area.
Thatcher: Well, that is exactly what I am going to do.
Gray: Thank you, Prime Minister.
Thatcher: I was most impressed with your handling of that submarine business, with Karl Stromberg and the tanker Liparus, two years ago.
Gray: Why, thank you ma’am.
Thatcher: I have read your report, about how your man… what was it, 0006?
Gray: 007, ma’am.
Thatcher: Yes, 007 followed your orders exactly to bring the matter to a successful conclusion.
Gray: That is so.
Thatcher: Good. Because now I have another task for you. Have you heard of Drax Industries and the Moonraker….?
(Strongly influenced by Tracey Ullman and her wonderful Angela Merkel impression.)
I realise the above may seem unfamiliar to some of our younger members, so:
Frederick Gray
A Cabinet Secretary
President Jimmy Carter
Margaret Thatcher
Hope this helps!
🤣🤣🤣
This floor-crossing revelation makes complete sense, as we see in Moonraker Gray is a selfserving hypocrite. He is first in line to congratulate Bond for saving the world, yet ordered him off the case halfway through the story. Just watching the film, where there is no comment on his behaviour, that may seem an unintended contradiction in the plot. But in his novelization, Wood shows us Gray's interior thoughts as he tries to congratulate Bond at the end of the film, he is definitely an opportunistic slimeball of a career politician
He is indeed. Crossing the floor is the only explanation I can think of for how he is Defence Minister under a Labour government in TSWLM and under a Conservative government for the rest of his appearances.
I'd just like to apologize to Satan for any offence caused above.
btw thanks for giving me a line in the above Life of Brian style sketch
but just for the record, its not so much the excitement I like, its the escapism, the wish-fullfillment fantasy, and the firm belief the Spy who Loved Me is like a Tintin adventure for big boys who are just starting to notice that girls are different. But to say all that would spoil the rhythm of the sketch, so excitement will do.
I sense you're not a lifelong Tory? 😏
Well, firstly I'm Scottish-
why does scotland hate margaret thatcher - Bing
And secondly, my years in the NHS coincided pretty much with Thatcher's government and then Major's so I saw first hand what was happening.
Gymkata, I hadn't heard that song before- thank you very much. A little Billy Bragg'ish, I thought, and none the worse for that.
caractacus, my pleasure.
And my apologies to all for bringing up politics in this thread. I was, of course, just going for a laugh.
1964. Pinewood Studios. Guy Hamilton is directing the “Golden Girl” scene.
Shirley Eaton: Guy, I’m a bit nervous about this scene.
Guy: Now don’t worry, Shirley.
Shirley: I mean, I’m wearing almost nothing but the gold paint.
Guy: It’ll be a closed set, Shirley, only the most essential personnel will be here.
Shirley: (Glumly.) Well, okay then.
Guy: Got that, guard? Only the most essential personnel.
Security Guard: Got that, Mr Hamilton.
(Shirley takes off her dressing gown and lies on the bed. A man approaches.)
Guard: Hey, who are you?
Man: I’m the Director of Photography.
Guard: Well, okay.
(Another man approaches.)
Guard: Stop right there.
Man: I’m the soundman, I have to be here.
Guard: All right.
(Another man approaches.)
Guard: Stop right there.
Man: I’m the second cameraman.
Guard: Okay, you can get in.
(Yet again, someone approaches.)
Guard: Who are you, then?
Man: I’m the assistant to the soundman.
Guard: Well… I suppose you can get in.
(Someone else approaches.)
Man: I’m the lighting technician, they need me.
Guard: Fair enough.
(Once again, someone approaches.)
Guard: And who might you be?
Man: I’m the assistant to the cameraman.
Guard: Well… all right.
Guy: Hey, guard, no more!
Guard: Certainly, Mr Hamilton.
(Yet another man approaches.)
Guard: Nobody else to get in. Mr Hamilton’s orders.
Man: But-
Guard: I said nobody else gets in!
Man: But I’m-
Guard: Oh yeah? And who might you be?
Man: I’m Sean Connery.
Guard: Oh, yeah… in you go.