2021. MI6. Moneypenny’s office. She is making a phone call.
Moneypenny: Hello, munitions department? Moneypenny here, from MI6…. No, I AM busy tonight… And tomorrow, yes…. Anyway, I have this week’s order from our department… Are you ready?… Right, one bunch of roses and two bottles of red wine for Q Branch… No, I have no idea why….. And two bottles of single malt for M’s office.
(M’s door opens and a hand emerges, holding four fingers up.)
Moneypenny: Make that four bottles…. And a camouflage suit for the Chief Of Staff… Apparently he wants to blend into the background even more effectively than he’s been doing already… No, we don’t need any more vodka or martini for the double-O section… Perhaps some chocolates, though… Right, thanks.
Great work, Barbel! I Imagine transscribing all those bugged converstations takes a lot of work. But if you ever get tired, imagine how much time and effort it would've required if you had to make it all up! 🤯
2021. Bill Tanner’s place. His parrot watches as he carefully shaves, brushes his teeth, etc, before going out. A bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine sit by the door.
Tanner: (Looking in the mirror.) Looking good, Bill, looking good.
Parrot: Who’s a pretty boy then?
Tanner: That’ll be enough cheek from you!
Parrot: Give us a kiss! Give us a kiss!
Tanner: (Knotting his tie.) Indeed I will not! It’s not kisses from you that I’m after tonight! Hmm, it’s good that I’ve had so much practice blending into the background at work- nobody suspects a thing!
Parrot: Polly wants a cracker!
Tanner: Oh no, it’s Billy who gets the cracker tonight!
Parrot: Billy gets a cracker?
Tanner: And if things go my way, you’ll be sharing with two very spoiled cats- so better make sure and stay on my good side!
(Tanner puts on his jacket, grabs the flowers and wine, and heads out the door. As his footsteps fade away….)
The Following contains SPOILERS (I'm still struggling with this new software).
2021. EON HQ, inside a small Japanese island.
BB, MGW, Purvis, Wade and other EON execs are seated around a large table.
BB: Thank you all for coming. I'm sure you can guess what this is about: we need to start the process for selecting not only the next actor to play Bond, but the future direction of the entire series.
MGW: While we acknowledge that we need to wait for the final NTTD grosses to come in, we can't sit on our laurels. We need...
(Clunk!)
Purvis: Did you hear that?
Wade: That was was definitely a clunk.
BB: It sounded as though it came from the back of the ...
(Every head turns towards a set of doors at the back of the room. Barbara gets up and strides purposefully over to investigate. She swings open the doors and reveals a small vestibule. Barbel sits at a small desk, wearing headphones connected to a listening device.)
BB: What the actual f...
(MGW and the others crowd round.)
Barbel (snatchingtheearphonesfromhisheadandconfrontingtheassembledEONexecutives): Where on earth did you think I get my ideas from? Not so imaginary these conversations, eh!
MGW: Quick, someone call security!
Barbel: Hah! That won't help. I think you'll find he's one of us, the wee bulldog.
Barbara: Barbel, out! At once!
Barbel: Not so fast, missy. Afore I go, I have a list I want to go through.
Purvis & Wade (simultaneously): A list?
Barbel: Aye. (He consults some scribblings on the back of a beer coaster from the Silencer and Black Garter).
First of all, you two: No more 'this time it's personal', brothers, mothers or whatever silly plot devices. That's from me. (He pauses). And while you're at it, bring back David Arnold.
Second, more punch ups - that's from C&D...
(HeturnstoMGWandBB): Third, can you dial it back a wee bit on the three thousand dollar suits - that's from The Bond Experience. (Heeyesthebeermatmoreclosely). Correction, that's from The Bond Experience's wife....
Fourth, could we have a bit more plot logic please? That's from Gassy Man. (Heleansback).
MGW: Anything else?
Barbel (consultinghislistagain): Can we have scenes set at Anfield, and the return of Spectre's 'Hildebrand Antiquities & Rarities' rare books safe house? That's from Sir Miles and CoolHandBond respectively...
Let's see.... something about no more gammon please. That's from someone called Mark00Mark - I have no idea what he's on about there, to be honest...
Oh, and could the leading ladies have bigger boots please? That's from Number24, not sure I took that one down correctly....
Can you please not kill off half the cast, and while you're at it just go back to Fleming? That's from Chrisno1 and Asp 9mm respectively.. and most of the rest of us at AJB too, to be honest....
Oh, yes, before I forget, Gymkata asks if Pradeep could have a bigger role in the next one, if it's not too much to ask. (Barbel leans back again, and crumples the sheet of paper). There.
(A stunned silence fills the room. Purvis & Wade are scribbling furiously.)
BB: Any final requests before you're forcibly ejected?
Barbel: Just one. Can you work in some green trainers somewhere?
2019. Eon HQ, in a certain house in Jamaica. Rami Malek meets director Cary Joji Fukunaga.
Rami: Cary, I’m so glad you cast me as the villain in the next James Bond movie.
Cary: All credit to you, Rami.
Rami: I’m really looking forward to saying all those great lines- lines such as “Come in, Mr Bond. I’ve been expecting you.”
Cary: Ah, you don't actually say that one.
Rami: Really? Oh that’s a pity. Still, there’s always the one where I can ham it up whilst telling my henchman to “kill Bond immediately” or something similar.
Cary: No, you don’t say that either.
Rami: Okay.... well then, I’m very much looking forward to the game that I will be playing with Bond early in the movie.
Cary: The… game?
Rami: Yes, you know the one- we play something like cards, or golf, or horseriding, or backgammon or whatever. I try to win by cheating but of course Bond sees right through that and he wins by outcheating me.
Cary: It’s a different kind of Bond movie, Rami, we won’t be doing that.
Rami: Oh…. Still, there’ll be lots of pretty girls around me, and Bond will steal one of them away and….
(Cary shakes his head.)
Cary: You’ll mainly be acting with one woman and a little girl of maybe 4.
Rami: What? Is this “Live And Let Diapers”?
Cary: Don’t worry, Rami, it’ll all be fine, you’ll see.
Rami: Well, at least I won’t have to say lines like “We’re not so different, you and I”, as if we were in an Austin Powers movie.
(Cary hurriedly changes a line in the script.)
Cary: No, no, of course not…. Ahem.... We’re going for a more realistic approach, you see.
Rami: But this isn’t real life- this is just fantasy….
I’ve not been on this thread recently because I’ve still not seen NTTD and didn’t want to learn of any spoilers, but have given up on that now. This is utterly brilliant, C&D, a masterpiece on this thread 😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
Comments
Tell us the one about the man with webbed fingers and the underwater city. Oh wait. That could also be the Patrick Duffy series before Dallas.
😂😂😂 Let's hope that Pradeep's technicians (Charlie and Timmy?) didn't forget to build that Mola Ram hatch...
I spotted this was released a few days back. It should have "feat. Hans Zimmer" on it. 😡
😁😁😁
2021. MI6. Moneypenny’s office. She is making a phone call.
Moneypenny: Hello, munitions department? Moneypenny here, from MI6…. No, I AM busy tonight… And tomorrow, yes…. Anyway, I have this week’s order from our department… Are you ready?… Right, one bunch of roses and two bottles of red wine for Q Branch… No, I have no idea why….. And two bottles of single malt for M’s office.
(M’s door opens and a hand emerges, holding four fingers up.)
Moneypenny: Make that four bottles…. And a camouflage suit for the Chief Of Staff… Apparently he wants to blend into the background even more effectively than he’s been doing already… No, we don’t need any more vodka or martini for the double-O section… Perhaps some chocolates, though… Right, thanks.
😆😆😆 Bill who? 🤔
2019. London.
Hans Zimmer: I think we’re just about ready here. Billie, are you ready?
Billie Eilish: Yes, Hans.
Hans: Ok, here we go…. Take One.
Billie: (Sings.) I mmff known, mmffe leave mffee...
Hans: Ok, stop there. Are you remembering what we discussed, Billie?
Billie: Er… I think so.
Hans: Well, I can still make out every second word you’re singing. Let’s do it again. And… Take Two.
Billie: (Sings.) I mmff nmmm, mffe leammff ammff…
Hans: Right, cut there. That’s much better, but we can still hear you. Now do it again, this time like you’re in the next room.
Billie: Ok, let’s have a go.
Hans: Take… Three!
Billie: (Sings.) I nnnff nmmmm, mffe leammfff ammfff…
(4 minutes later.)
Hans: Right, we've got it! Well done, everybody!
With thanks to Charmed & Dangerous
2019. Eon HQ, above a hotel in Matera, Italy. MGW and BB sit behind a desk.
MGW: Ready. Barbara?
BB: Yes, I’m ready.
MGW: Ok. (He presses the intercom.) Send her in, please.
(The door opens and Lashana Lynch enters.)
BB: Sit down, please, Miss Lynch. I’m Barbara Broccoli and this is my brother Michael Wilson.
Lashana: (Nervously.) Good morning.
BB: Now you’re here about a part in our upcoming James Bond picture, “No Time To Die”.
Lashana: Ah, so that’s what it’s called then.
MGW: Indeed it is. Now, we’re considering you for the part of a British secret agent- in fact, you’ll be…. Well, we’ll come to that.
Lashana: What will my character name be?
BB: Nomi.
Lashana: Of course I know you, you just introduced yourself. You’re-
BB: No, no, the character’s name is “Nomi”.
Lashana: Oh, sorry. I see.
MGW: And you’ll be playing the part of 007.
(There is a moment’s silence.)
Lashana: (Understandably not wanting to get things wrong again.) I'm sorry, could you say that again, please?
MGW: You will be British secret agent 007.
Lashana: You mean that I’ll be driving an Aston Martin DB5 and drinking Vodka Martinis, shaken not stirred, and-
BB: No, Lashana, that’s what James Bond does.
Lashana: But you said-
MGW: No, we said that Nomi will be 007. The plot is that James Bond has retired from the Secret Service and obviously someone else now has to be 007.
Lashana: Ah, I see.
BB: James Bond will return during the story and the two of you will have some friction before learning to work together.
Lashana: So I’m going to be the first female 007...
MGW: That’s right- although not the first female 00-agent, that’s the sort of mistake we’d expect the tabloid newspapers to make.
Lashana: And the first Black 007.
BB: That’s correct, also.
Lashana: I can just see Idris Elba losing sleep about that one!
MGW: Well, that’s not what we’re after. Now, can you ride a Vesper?
BB: Michael!
MGW: Barbara, what I mean is, when Bond first meets Nomi and she gives him a lift...
BB: Oh yes. Sorry. I thought you meant...
MGW: Cary has had some, ah, unusual ideas but that isn't one of them.
Lashana: Yes, I can ride a motorbike.
BB: That's excellent.
Lashana: I won’t weep if I don’t get the job- this is no time to cry.
BB: Bad puns? Congratulations, you’re in.
Great work, Barbel! I Imagine transscribing all those bugged converstations takes a lot of work. But if you ever get tired, imagine how much time and effort it would've required if you had to make it all up! 🤯
😂😂😂
The thanks are very much undeserved, Barbel. This is all your inspiration and perspiration 🍸
Thank you, C&D.
And N24, it would be really hard work to make all this up!
This takes place immediately before post 1647.
2021. Bill Tanner’s place. His parrot watches as he carefully shaves, brushes his teeth, etc, before going out. A bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine sit by the door.
Tanner: (Looking in the mirror.) Looking good, Bill, looking good.
Parrot: Who’s a pretty boy then?
Tanner: That’ll be enough cheek from you!
Parrot: Give us a kiss! Give us a kiss!
Tanner: (Knotting his tie.) Indeed I will not! It’s not kisses from you that I’m after tonight! Hmm, it’s good that I’ve had so much practice blending into the background at work- nobody suspects a thing!
Parrot: Polly wants a cracker!
Tanner: Oh no, it’s Billy who gets the cracker tonight!
Parrot: Billy gets a cracker?
Tanner: And if things go my way, you’ll be sharing with two very spoiled cats- so better make sure and stay on my good side!
(Tanner puts on his jacket, grabs the flowers and wine, and heads out the door. As his footsteps fade away….)
Parrot: You’ve got a good side?
😆😆😆
The Following contains SPOILERS (I'm still struggling with this new software).
2021. EON HQ, inside a small Japanese island.
BB, MGW, Purvis, Wade and other EON execs are seated around a large table.
BB: Thank you all for coming. I'm sure you can guess what this is about: we need to start the process for selecting not only the next actor to play Bond, but the future direction of the entire series.
MGW: While we acknowledge that we need to wait for the final NTTD grosses to come in, we can't sit on our laurels. We need...
(Clunk!)
Purvis: Did you hear that?
Wade: That was was definitely a clunk.
BB: It sounded as though it came from the back of the ...
(Every head turns towards a set of doors at the back of the room. Barbara gets up and strides purposefully over to investigate. She swings open the doors and reveals a small vestibule. Barbel sits at a small desk, wearing headphones connected to a listening device.)
BB: What the actual f...
(MGW and the others crowd round.)
Barbel (snatching the earphones from his head and confronting the assembled EON executives): Where on earth did you think I get my ideas from? Not so imaginary these conversations, eh!
MGW: Quick, someone call security!
Barbel: Hah! That won't help. I think you'll find he's one of us, the wee bulldog.
Barbara: Barbel, out! At once!
Barbel: Not so fast, missy. Afore I go, I have a list I want to go through.
Purvis & Wade (simultaneously): A list?
Barbel: Aye. (He consults some scribblings on the back of a beer coaster from the Silencer and Black Garter).
First of all, you two: No more 'this time it's personal', brothers, mothers or whatever silly plot devices. That's from me. (He pauses). And while you're at it, bring back David Arnold.
Second, more punch ups - that's from C&D...
(He turns to MGW and BB): Third, can you dial it back a wee bit on the three thousand dollar suits - that's from The Bond Experience. (He eyes the beermat more closely). Correction, that's from The Bond Experience's wife....
Fourth, could we have a bit more plot logic please? That's from Gassy Man. (He leans back).
MGW: Anything else?
Barbel (consulting his list again): Can we have scenes set at Anfield, and the return of Spectre's 'Hildebrand Antiquities & Rarities' rare books safe house? That's from Sir Miles and CoolHandBond respectively...
Let's see.... something about no more gammon please. That's from someone called Mark00Mark - I have no idea what he's on about there, to be honest...
Oh, and could the leading ladies have bigger boots please? That's from Number24, not sure I took that one down correctly....
Can you please not kill off half the cast, and while you're at it just go back to Fleming? That's from Chrisno1 and Asp 9mm respectively.. and most of the rest of us at AJB too, to be honest....
Oh, yes, before I forget, Gymkata asks if Pradeep could have a bigger role in the next one, if it's not too much to ask. (Barbel leans back again, and crumples the sheet of paper). There.
(A stunned silence fills the room. Purvis & Wade are scribbling furiously.)
BB: Any final requests before you're forcibly ejected?
Barbel: Just one. Can you work in some green trainers somewhere?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
(Pauses for breath)
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Hilarious 😁😁😁😁😁
Bravo C&D 👏🏻🍸
It's a shame you got caught, but it had to be said. Finally EON will start listening to us! 😠
That was great.
After that list of demands it's no wonder Purvis & Wade have hung it up regarding Bond (or so they say).
They've said that before- reminds me of certain actors saying the same thing....
2019. “Knives Out” set, last day of shooting.
Craig: Well, I have to say I enjoyed making that film.
Ana de Armas: Oh, is that your normal voice? It sounds so much better than the way you were speaking while we were filming.
Craig: And I also have to say that I enjoyed very much working with you, Ana.
Ana: And it was a pleasure working with you, too.
Craig: Listen, I’ve got an idea. As you might know, I’m going on from here to make another James Bond movie.
Ana: Really? I hadn’t noticed, what with me living on another planet. (Rolls eyes.)
Craig: How would you like to work with me on that?
Ana: What? Me, in a James Bond film?
Craig: That’s right. They’ve made me a co-producer these days, and I reckon I can arrange to have you onboard.
Ana: But Daniel, I don’t like James Bond movies.
Craig: (Darkly.) Then trust me, this is the very one you’ll want to be in.
Ana: Sorry?
Craig: Never mind. Go on- just do a small part, let’s say thirty minutes.
Ana: Five minutes.
Craig: Twenty minutes, then.
Ana: Ten minutes tops.
Craig: Fifteen.
Ana: (Reluctantly.) Oh, all right then.
Craig: Great. (Takes phone out and presses one button.) Hello, Barbara…. No, I haven’t changed my mind again. Listen…..
😂😂😂
I'd have loved Ana De Armas to have had a larger part - that Cuba scene was one of the highlights for me.
2019. Eon HQ, in a certain house in Jamaica. Rami Malek meets director Cary Joji Fukunaga.
Rami: Cary, I’m so glad you cast me as the villain in the next James Bond movie.
Cary: All credit to you, Rami.
Rami: I’m really looking forward to saying all those great lines- lines such as “Come in, Mr Bond. I’ve been expecting you.”
Cary: Ah, you don't actually say that one.
Rami: Really? Oh that’s a pity. Still, there’s always the one where I can ham it up whilst telling my henchman to “kill Bond immediately” or something similar.
Cary: No, you don’t say that either.
Rami: Okay.... well then, I’m very much looking forward to the game that I will be playing with Bond early in the movie.
Cary: The… game?
Rami: Yes, you know the one- we play something like cards, or golf, or horseriding, or backgammon or whatever. I try to win by cheating but of course Bond sees right through that and he wins by outcheating me.
Cary: It’s a different kind of Bond movie, Rami, we won’t be doing that.
Rami: Oh…. Still, there’ll be lots of pretty girls around me, and Bond will steal one of them away and….
(Cary shakes his head.)
Cary: You’ll mainly be acting with one woman and a little girl of maybe 4.
Rami: What? Is this “Live And Let Diapers”?
Cary: Don’t worry, Rami, it’ll all be fine, you’ll see.
Rami: Well, at least I won’t have to say lines like “We’re not so different, you and I”, as if we were in an Austin Powers movie.
(Cary hurriedly changes a line in the script.)
Cary: No, no, of course not…. Ahem.... We’re going for a more realistic approach, you see.
Rami: But this isn’t real life- this is just fantasy….
😂😂😂
Yes, just as I was typing. ☺️ (Unless it's a memory from long ago, of course)
Be my guest! 👍
I’ve not been on this thread recently because I’ve still not seen NTTD and didn’t want to learn of any spoilers, but have given up on that now. This is utterly brilliant, C&D, a masterpiece on this thread 😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣
😂😂😂😂😂 Brilliant! And I thought it was no time for diapers...
Much obliged, CHB 😎