2021. Eon HQ, inside a flying saucer in Trafalgar Square. MGW is proudly showing his son Gregg the ropes while Aunt Barbara looks on smiling.
MGW: Now, over here is where we keep the unsolicited scripts.
BB: We receive about, oh, 200 or 300 of them every week. Mainly from some guys on something called AJB.
MGW: Now, you just put the scripts in here…
(There is a buzzing sound. Shreds of paper fall into the bin below.)
BB: Got it, Gregg?
Gregg: Yes, got it.
MGW: Now this next one I’m particularly keen about. You see this small lever here?
Gregg: Yes, Dad.
MGW: Now if you take the top off, you’ll find a little red button. Whatever you do don’t touch it.
Gregg: Why not?
BB: Unless Lee Tamahori or Marc Forster is sitting in this seat... here.
Gregg: The one with the hatch above it?
BB: That's the one.
Gregg: What do I do if it’s Sam Mendes?
MGW: Ah, right…
(He presses a button and a large screen drops down, obscuring the desk. At the touch of another button, the screen lights up showing BB and MGW sitting behind the same desk.)
BB: (Onscreen.) Yes, I see, Sam.
MGW: (Onscreen.) Tell us more, Sam.
(The real MGW presses a button and the screen goes up again.)
MGW: We’ve got about 6 hours of footage there, then it loops back and starts all over again.
Gregg: Fantastic.
BB: Now, we’d like to show you-
(A secretary comes in.)
Secretary: Sorry, you have a phone call.
BB: Oh, just tell them we’ll call them back.
Secretary: It’s Jeff Bezos.
(MGW and BB exchange looks of fear and leap behind the desk, cowering.)
BB: Gregg- you take this call!
Gregg: What, me? But-
MGW: Baptism of fire, son- a learning experience!
(Gregg reluctantly lifts the phone as the secretary leaves the room.)
Gregg: Er, hello?
Bezos: (On phone.) WILSON!!!!!!!
Gregg: Yes, that’s me.
Bezos: Doesn’t sound like you.
Gregg: Ah, I see. No, this is Gregg Wilson, his son.
Bezos: Put your father on at once!
(MGW shakes his head from behind the desk.)
Gregg: Er, he’s not here.
Bezos: Then put your aunt on immediately!
(The only part of Barbara that can be seen is one finger, frantically wagging “No".)
Gregg: She’s not here either, Mr Bezos. Is there anything I can do to help you?
Bezos: Yes there most certainly is! I’m just back from seeing this latest film of yours.
Gregg: Oh, yes, “No Time To Die”. Did you enjoy it?
Bezos: Well, I thought Paloma was good and I liked the bit with the Aston Ma- no, I most certainly did not enjoy it!
Gregg: Oh? Was it the music? I said to Hans-
Bezos: No, not the music! I just paid your company the annual GDP of a reasonably sized country to acquire the rights to James Bond.
Gregg: Ah yes, I think I can recall my father saying something about that.
Bezos: And you guys go and kill him in the very next movie!
Gregg: Yes, but you see-
Bezos: And more than that, it’s beginning to look like we won’t make as much money as we were counting on.
Gregg: Well, it’s still to-
Bezos: You tell them to call me the moment they get back to the office. You hear me? The moment they get back!
(Bezos slams the phone down so hard that Michael and Barbara have to hold their hands to their ears.)
Gregg: You heard all that?
BB: Yes, we did.
Gregg: So, what are we going to do?
MGW: “We”? Now pay attention, Gregg. It’s at times like this that your aunt and I remember what your grandfather Cubby tried to teach us.
Gregg: And what was that?
BB: Always have an escape plan.
(MGW presses a button and he and Barbara slowly sink from sight behind the desk.)
Your wish is my command, Gymkata. Just a small change in the time period.
1990. Eon HQ, above a concert hall in Bratislava. Cubby Broccoli is proudly showing the ropes to Michael and Barbara.
Cubby: ….and here is where we keep all the ideas from Harry Saltzman. Now, you just put his ideas in here…
(There is a buzzing sound. Shreds of paper fall into the bin below.)
Cubby: Got that?
BB: Got it, Dad.
Cubby: Now this next one I’m particularly keen about. You see this small lever here?
MGW: Yes, Cubby.
Cubby: Now if you take the top off, you’ll find a little red button. Whatever you do don’t touch it.
MGW: Why not?
Cubby: Unless John Glen is sitting in this seat... here.
BB: The one with the hatch above it?
Cubby: That's the one.
MGW: What do we do if it’s Lewis Gilbert?
Cubby: Ah, right…
(He presses a button and a large screen drops down, obscuring the desk. At the touch of another button, the screen lights up showing Cubby sitting behind the same desk.)
Cubby: (Onscreen.) Yes, I see, Lewis. Tell me more, Lewis.
(The real Cubby presses a button and the screen goes up again.)
Cubby: We’ve got about 6 hours of footage there, then it loops back and starts all over again.
(And I have no particular favourite type of imaginary conversation - whatever's in the air!)
[A Luxembourg tax haven]
Bond:
HMRC* really doesn't mind you making a little money on the side, Bezos. They'd just prefer it if it wasn't by avoiding a fair tax return.
Bezos:
If your MGM theatricals are supposed to impress me, Bond, you've picked the right man. And if Barbara Broccoli was really opposed to a spin-off series on Amazon Prime, she'd have revoked her Double-O interests. Benefits of being a billionaire chief executive; I get to...
[Cross-fade to launchpad in tropical jungle]
Voice echoing over tannoy:
Astro-technicians, prepare for pre-launch program... Captain Kirk, report to spacecraft... Repeat: Captain Kirk, report to bridge...
[Gizmos go ping]
Kirk:
I'm so filled with emotion! It's extraordinary, just extraordinary! Thank you, Jeff!
Bezos:
Even in space my munificence is boundless... like my mergers and acquisitions! Jaws, Mister Bond must be cold after his syndicated television repeats. Place him where he can be assured of warmth... on Prime!
Technician:
Five... four... three... two... one... lift off!
[*Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs]
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
Great one, Barbel! I can't recall if Christopher Lee ever got to deliver the famous "I never drink... wine" line on film, unless in Jess Franco's unremarkable Italian production of 'Count Dracula'?
SPOILER ALERT
1974. In an alternative universe, 'The Man With The Golden Gun' has a shock ending: Scaramanga manages, like every true artist, to achieve one indisputable masterpiece... the death of Double-O Seven! The final credits roll with this: "The End... of James Bond... but Francisco Scaramanga will return... in 'Scaramanga, Prince Of Darkness'"
Fast forward to 1993, the house of Christopher Lee. Phone rings.
Mr Lee (answering phone):
Oh, hello Michael...
Mrs Lee:
Who's that, dear? Is it that nice Mr Carreras?
Mr Lee:
No, darling. It's the other Michael.... again!
Well, Michael, how can I help you?
Absolutely not. No way. I am finished with the role of Scaramanga, once and for all!
Yes, I know I've said that before...
I think I first said it after Cubby insisted on bringing me back for a re-match with Roger in 'Bond Has Risen From The Grave'.
Then he twisted my arm to return for 'Taste The Blood Of Scaramanga'.
Oh, I should definitely have refused 'Scars Of Scaramanga'.
It really was the limit when you coaxed me back for 'Scaramanga, A.D. 1992'.
And now you expect me to sign up for 'The Satanic Rites Of Scaramanga'?
Why not, you ask? You know why... As I've said before - repeatedly! - these films have increasingly less to do with my cousin Ian's original conception of the character, that's why! And please... don't bring up "Jack Palance"!
I'm afraid I really am putting my foot down, this time, Michael. You may be a co-chair of the board, but I've resigned as Scaramanga! Scaramanga always loved that mausoluem... put him in it!
What's that? If I don't do it, you'll get John Forbes-Robertson...?! Okay, okay.... anything but that! However, 'Rites' is definitely my last one...!
What?? You were rather hoping I'd agree to do 'The Legend Of The Seven Golden Guns' as well? Hong Kong Phooey-Yuk to that!! [Hangs up.]
Mrs Lee:
Never say never again, darling!
MGW [to George Lucas]:
Oh, well! I was counting on him agreeing to a couple more...
George Lucas:
Funny you should mention it, actually. I've been dreaming up a new part that would be perfect for him: Count Dooku (Paco) 'Lightsabers' Scaramanga...
MGW:
Oh, I like that! The world... shall hear of him... again!
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
That was hilarious! More so for playing so well with the facts.
He certainly doesn't say the wine line in any Hammer Dracula movie, but I can't remember about "Count Dracula" or "Dracula And Son" which I haven't seen for a long time.
Nice slipping in the other Lee references at the end!
excellent! not just a mash-up, but an alternate history.
I can well imagine that after the first two MooreBond films, the series was looking so weak that throwing it all out and making Scaramamanga the main character from now on might have been tempting. Would KickKnack have been a regular? that might have cost the world Fantasy Island...
1985. MayDay’s bedroom, Zorin’s chateau. Bond just manages to slip out of his clothes and into her bed before she appears at the door.
Bond: MayDay, where have you been? I’ve been waiting for you… to take care of me personally.
(She catches the eye of Max Zorin, outside in the corridor. He gives an amused shrug. She enters the room, slips off her gown, and gets into bed with the aid of a completely unnoticeable film edit.)
Bond: I see you’re a woman of few words.
Mayday: What’s there to say?
(She climbs on top of a surprised Bond, who looks heavenward before proceeding…)
(After a discreet interval, Bond slips out of bed while MayDay sleeps. He heads for his clothes and begins to put them on.)
MayDay: And just where do you think you’re going?
Bond: (Eyebrow lifted.) I thought you were asleep.
MayDay: Get right back in here.
Bond: But of course.
MayDay: There’s no sense in going off half-cocked.
(After another discreet interval, Bond rather unsteadily slips out of bed and heads for his clothes.)
MayDay: Get your ass right back in here.
Bond: (Surprised, and slightly frightened.) Certainly.
(MayDay throws back the covers.)
Bond: You’re an inspiration. (Mutters to himself.) You’ll need to be…
(After another, rather longer interval, MayDay has fallen asleep. Bond wearily crawls out of the bed and heads for his clothes.)
MayDay: Hmphh, mmph…
(Bond looks up in undisguised terror, but MayDay is only shifting in her sleep. He puts on his clothes in record time and slips out the door.)
1973. CTS Recording Studio. Harry Saltzman sits in the booth while George Martin conducts the orchestra and Paul McCartney & Wings perform the title song for "Live And Let Die". The last notes die away.
George: I think that’s a wrap, do you want to hear it, Paul?
Paul: Yes, I think so.
(Paul and George head for the booth.)
Harry: So, when are you going to get round to the title song, then?
George: That was it, Harry.
Harry: What? I thought that was just background music for the boat chase or something.
George: Let’s have a listen, shall we?
(They all listen to the playback. It sounds fantastic.)
George: Sounds good, Paul.
Paul: Yeah, I think that’s the take.
Harry: What? You aren’t even singing on half the song!
George: That’s intentional, Harry.
Paul: Yeah, that’s the way I wrote it.
Harry: You wrote this? Have you written any songs before?
(George and the production staff all facepalm.)
Paul: Er… yes, I have.
Harry: Anything I might have heard of?
(Everyone in the booth suddenly find their shoes fascinating.)
Paul: Er… Yes, I think you might have heard of a few of them.
Harry: Hmph. Well, okay, we’ll go with it- who knows, you might get a career out of this and have another hit or two.
Paul: Another hit or two… if you say so, Mr Saltzman.
George: Really, Paul, I think you should tell Mr Saltzman-
Paul: No George, it’s okay, just let it be.
Harry: “Let It Be”? That’s a good title for a song, you should have a think about that.
(Linda makes to say something, but Paul stays calm.)
Paul: Yes, that’s a good idea, thanks. I’ve got a feeling I will remember the things we said today.
(Roger Moore and Geoffrey Keen take their places in front of the camera.)
Lewis: Where’s Bernard?
Roger: He said he’d be back after a bit of lunch.
Lewis: Oh, no. Quick, everybody- search all the bars!
(Everyone splits up and begins to tour all the drinking and eating places- which is no mean task in Venice. Eventually, Bernard Lee is found by Geoffrey Keen in a small “English bar” playing the piano.)
Bernard: (Having had a few small drinks.) Right, join in everyone! (Sings.) My old man’s a dustman, he wears a-
Geoffrey: Er, Bernard?
Bernard: (Looks up cheerfully.) Geoffrey! What brings you here?
Geoffrey: Work, Bernard. We’re both needed on set.
Bernard: Oh. Well, all right.
(He gets up rather unsteadily, and Geoffrey helps him out the door and to the set.)
Lewis Gilbert: Ah, Bernard. Shall we start, now that we’re all here?
Bernard: Absolutely, Lewis, whatever you say.
Lewis: Right, then- action!
Geoffrey: (In character as the Minister.) I've never been so humiliated in my life. Your man should be taken off the assignment. I'll see you at the Consulate. (Leaves.)
Bernard: (As M.) I'll have to do what he says.
(And Bernard continues to deliver his lines perfectly, being a professional.)
(Meanwhile, on a bridge behind them, a young couple appear briefly. The man is Michael G. Wilson, but I've always wondered if the lady is Barbara Broccoli- not known for doing cameos like her brother- or Mrs MGW.
If anyone could help out here, I'd be very grateful!)
These conversations appear in a very random order. This one should be read after post 1647 and post 1681.
2021. A taxi draws up outside a block of flats in London.
Driver: Here you are, mister.
Bill Tanner: (Nervously.) Ah, right. Thank you.
(Bill pays the driver and walks up to the door. He checks the list of names, then gets into the lift.)
Bill: (To himself.) Easy does it, Bill. Just keep calm, it’ll be all right.
(He gets out of the lift and walks up to a door. Balancing the bunch of flowers and bottle of wine he is carrying, he rings the bell.)
Bill: Deep breaths now, just be yourself.
(The door opens. Overcome with nerves, Bill drops on one knee and closes his eyes.)
Bill: Here we are, finally! No more hiding our feelings, no more those secret smiles. Oh, you don’t know how I have waited for this moment!
(He is met by silence. Cautiously, Bill opens his eyes to see an elderly man with a grey beard, looking down at him with a rather bemused expression on his face.)
Bill: Oh… errr…
Man: I think you’ve got the wrong door, son.
Bill: (Getting up.) Ah… yes, I think so.
Man: You’ll be looking for Mr Q, I think?
Bill: (Crestfallen.) Yes, yes that’s it.
Man: I’m Mr P. Mr Q lives next door. (Points.)
Bill: Ah… yes… thank you!
Man: No problem.
(He closes the door. Bill walks down the corridor. Mr P’s door opens again.)
Mr P: Just be sure you don’t go one door too many- that’s Mr R, he can be a bit irritable.
yes I'm sure that Mr R can be a bit irritable, and even better argumentative for those who are into such a thing. Maybe he wont give you a good argument, but it will be an argument.
Better than Mr. DeBakey, who's a little bit conciliatory
if only they let John Cleese write his own dialog, his scenes at least in Die Another Day could have been so much better.
Once when I had just started a new job, I witnesses two coworkers I barely knew literally arguing "yes it is!" "no it isnt!" "yes it is!" "no it isnt!" etc in a loop for about five minutes straight with neither attempting to expand on their positions. But they werent playacting, it was some work-related technical debate, and were both getting rather worked up and red in the face. So of course when I went back to my desk I immediately went to youtube to find the sketch, and an hour later when Ms Yes-It-Is walked past my desk I dragged her over and made her watch the sketch. I'm just damn lucky she turned out to be a fellow Python-fan, because we hadn't really talked before, and a few other people I've worked with over the years might have got me fired on the spot for such impertinence!
Comments
I don't have a particular favourite style of Conversations, I just enjoy them!
2021. Eon HQ, inside a flying saucer in Trafalgar Square. MGW is proudly showing his son Gregg the ropes while Aunt Barbara looks on smiling.
MGW: Now, over here is where we keep the unsolicited scripts.
BB: We receive about, oh, 200 or 300 of them every week. Mainly from some guys on something called AJB.
MGW: Now, you just put the scripts in here…
(There is a buzzing sound. Shreds of paper fall into the bin below.)
BB: Got it, Gregg?
Gregg: Yes, got it.
MGW: Now this next one I’m particularly keen about. You see this small lever here?
Gregg: Yes, Dad.
MGW: Now if you take the top off, you’ll find a little red button. Whatever you do don’t touch it.
Gregg: Why not?
BB: Unless Lee Tamahori or Marc Forster is sitting in this seat... here.
Gregg: The one with the hatch above it?
BB: That's the one.
Gregg: What do I do if it’s Sam Mendes?
MGW: Ah, right…
(He presses a button and a large screen drops down, obscuring the desk. At the touch of another button, the screen lights up showing BB and MGW sitting behind the same desk.)
BB: (Onscreen.) Yes, I see, Sam.
MGW: (Onscreen.) Tell us more, Sam.
(The real MGW presses a button and the screen goes up again.)
MGW: We’ve got about 6 hours of footage there, then it loops back and starts all over again.
Gregg: Fantastic.
BB: Now, we’d like to show you-
(A secretary comes in.)
Secretary: Sorry, you have a phone call.
BB: Oh, just tell them we’ll call them back.
Secretary: It’s Jeff Bezos.
(MGW and BB exchange looks of fear and leap behind the desk, cowering.)
BB: Gregg- you take this call!
Gregg: What, me? But-
MGW: Baptism of fire, son- a learning experience!
(Gregg reluctantly lifts the phone as the secretary leaves the room.)
Gregg: Er, hello?
Bezos: (On phone.) WILSON!!!!!!!
Gregg: Yes, that’s me.
Bezos: Doesn’t sound like you.
Gregg: Ah, I see. No, this is Gregg Wilson, his son.
Bezos: Put your father on at once!
(MGW shakes his head from behind the desk.)
Gregg: Er, he’s not here.
Bezos: Then put your aunt on immediately!
(The only part of Barbara that can be seen is one finger, frantically wagging “No".)
Gregg: She’s not here either, Mr Bezos. Is there anything I can do to help you?
Bezos: Yes there most certainly is! I’m just back from seeing this latest film of yours.
Gregg: Oh, yes, “No Time To Die”. Did you enjoy it?
Bezos: Well, I thought Paloma was good and I liked the bit with the Aston Ma- no, I most certainly did not enjoy it!
Gregg: Oh? Was it the music? I said to Hans-
Bezos: No, not the music! I just paid your company the annual GDP of a reasonably sized country to acquire the rights to James Bond.
Gregg: Ah yes, I think I can recall my father saying something about that.
Bezos: And you guys go and kill him in the very next movie!
Gregg: Yes, but you see-
Bezos: And more than that, it’s beginning to look like we won’t make as much money as we were counting on.
Gregg: Well, it’s still to-
Bezos: You tell them to call me the moment they get back to the office. You hear me? The moment they get back!
(Bezos slams the phone down so hard that Michael and Barbara have to hold their hands to their ears.)
Gregg: You heard all that?
BB: Yes, we did.
Gregg: So, what are we going to do?
MGW: “We”? Now pay attention, Gregg. It’s at times like this that your aunt and I remember what your grandfather Cubby tried to teach us.
Gregg: And what was that?
BB: Always have an escape plan.
(MGW presses a button and he and Barbara slowly sink from sight behind the desk.)
If only the part about Tamahori and Forster was true! 🤣
Your wish is my command, Gymkata. Just a small change in the time period.
1990. Eon HQ, above a concert hall in Bratislava. Cubby Broccoli is proudly showing the ropes to Michael and Barbara.
Cubby: ….and here is where we keep all the ideas from Harry Saltzman. Now, you just put his ideas in here…
(There is a buzzing sound. Shreds of paper fall into the bin below.)
Cubby: Got that?
BB: Got it, Dad.
Cubby: Now this next one I’m particularly keen about. You see this small lever here?
MGW: Yes, Cubby.
Cubby: Now if you take the top off, you’ll find a little red button. Whatever you do don’t touch it.
MGW: Why not?
Cubby: Unless John Glen is sitting in this seat... here.
BB: The one with the hatch above it?
Cubby: That's the one.
MGW: What do we do if it’s Lewis Gilbert?
Cubby: Ah, right…
(He presses a button and a large screen drops down, obscuring the desk. At the touch of another button, the screen lights up showing Cubby sitting behind the same desk.)
Cubby: (Onscreen.) Yes, I see, Lewis. Tell me more, Lewis.
(The real Cubby presses a button and the screen goes up again.)
Cubby: We’ve got about 6 hours of footage there, then it loops back and starts all over again.
😂😂😂
Excellent adds, Barbel!
(And I have no particular favourite type of imaginary conversation - whatever's in the air!)
[A Luxembourg tax haven]
Bond:
HMRC* really doesn't mind you making a little money on the side, Bezos. They'd just prefer it if it wasn't by avoiding a fair tax return.
Bezos:
If your MGM theatricals are supposed to impress me, Bond, you've picked the right man. And if Barbara Broccoli was really opposed to a spin-off series on Amazon Prime, she'd have revoked her Double-O interests. Benefits of being a billionaire chief executive; I get to...
[Cross-fade to launchpad in tropical jungle]
Voice echoing over tannoy:
Astro-technicians, prepare for pre-launch program... Captain Kirk, report to spacecraft... Repeat: Captain Kirk, report to bridge...
[Gizmos go ping]
Kirk:
I'm so filled with emotion! It's extraordinary, just extraordinary! Thank you, Jeff!
Bezos:
Even in space my munificence is boundless... like my mergers and acquisitions! Jaws, Mister Bond must be cold after his syndicated television repeats. Place him where he can be assured of warmth... on Prime!
Technician:
Five... four... three... two... one... lift off!
[*Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs]
Thank you @Gymkata and @Shady Tree and @Number24.
Shady, nice mix of CR + MR + topical references!
1995. On top of a very high dam. Director Martin Campbell is instructing Pierce Brosnan.
Martin: ….so after you run along the top of the dam, you stop here- you’ll see the chalk marks.
Pierce: Got that.
Martin: There you’ll find some apparatus, see it there? You clip this (Shows him.) onto your boot and then you jump off the top of the dam. Next, you-
Pierce: Hey, wait there, Martin. You said I jump off the dam???
Martin: Yes, that’s right. This here is a bungee rope and you-
Pierce: I’m not jumping off the top of this dam!
Martin: Oh yes, I have to have this shot and-
Pierce: No way am I doing that!
Martin: Oh. Well, I suppose I could ask Barbara and Michael if they still have Timothy Dalton’s phone number and they could ask-
Pierce: Look, I don’t care what you say- get a stuntman!
Martin: Okay, okay. Tell you what, I’ll get a stuntman to do the jump if you promise me you will definitely do the next stunt yourself.
Pierce: Sure- it can’t be worse than that!
Martin: Of course not. You’ll be on a motorcycle, following a plane with no pilot. The plane falls off the edge of a cliff and you follow it, then-
Pierce: I drive a motorbike off the edge of a cliff??? Are you crazy???
(Behind Martin, Pierce can now spot Barbara and Michael rolling about laughing. Martin joins in.)
Pierce: Oh, very good, guys. Very funny.
Martin: (Still laughing.) Come on, Remington, let’s get back to work.
Pierce: You call me that again and I’ll be the one phoning Timothy Dalton.
🤣🤣🤣
I can just imagine that dialogue in a prank about Pierce being asked to perform his own big stunts!
Pierce: "For England, Martin?"
Martin: "No, for me..."
1974. The household of Christopher Lee.
Christopher: Beautiful dinner, my love.
Mrs Lee: Thank you. Are you sure you won’t have a glass of wine?
Christopher: Oh my darling, you know I never drink… wine.
(The telephone rings.)
Mrs Lee: Hello? …. I’ll see if I can get him.
Christopher: If that’s Hammer Films on the phone, I’ve told them “No” a thousand times- I will not play Dracula again for them!
Mrs Lee: No, it’s a company called Eon Productions. They want you to play the villain-
Christopher: Another villain! Ugh!
Mrs Lee: They want you to play the villain in their new James Bond movie.
Christopher: (Interestedly.) James Bond? Ah!
Mrs Lee: Yes, he’s called Scary Monga or something like that.
Christopher: And I don’t have to wear a cape?
Mrs Lee: Hang on… (On phone.) He doesn’t have to wear a cape?… No, Christopher, you don’t have to wear a cape.
Christopher: And I don’t have to wear fangs?
Mrs Lee: (On phone.) And he doesn’t have to wear fangs? …. No, you don’t have to wear fangs.
Christopher: And I can come out in daylight?
Mrs Lee: (On phone.) And he can come out in daylight? ….Yes, you can come out in daylight.
Christopher: And I get to sing?
Mrs Lee: (On phone.) And he gets to sing? … No, you don’t get to sing.
Christopher: Oh, well. What do I have to do?
Mrs Lee: (On phone.) What does he have to do? …. Right.
Christopher: What did they say?
Mrs Lee: Apparently you have to have three nipples and shoot a gun made out of gold.
Christopher: What? That sounds totally ludicrous- my cousin Ian would never have come up with something like that.
Mrs Lee: What shall I tell them?
Christopher: Tell them I’m in!
Great one, Barbel! I can't recall if Christopher Lee ever got to deliver the famous "I never drink... wine" line on film, unless in Jess Franco's unremarkable Italian production of 'Count Dracula'?
SPOILER ALERT
1974. In an alternative universe, 'The Man With The Golden Gun' has a shock ending: Scaramanga manages, like every true artist, to achieve one indisputable masterpiece... the death of Double-O Seven! The final credits roll with this: "The End... of James Bond... but Francisco Scaramanga will return... in 'Scaramanga, Prince Of Darkness'"
Fast forward to 1993, the house of Christopher Lee. Phone rings.
Mr Lee (answering phone):
Oh, hello Michael...
Mrs Lee:
Who's that, dear? Is it that nice Mr Carreras?
Mr Lee:
No, darling. It's the other Michael.... again!
Well, Michael, how can I help you?
Absolutely not. No way. I am finished with the role of Scaramanga, once and for all!
Yes, I know I've said that before...
I think I first said it after Cubby insisted on bringing me back for a re-match with Roger in 'Bond Has Risen From The Grave'.
Then he twisted my arm to return for 'Taste The Blood Of Scaramanga'.
Oh, I should definitely have refused 'Scars Of Scaramanga'.
It really was the limit when you coaxed me back for 'Scaramanga, A.D. 1992'.
And now you expect me to sign up for 'The Satanic Rites Of Scaramanga'?
Why not, you ask? You know why... As I've said before - repeatedly! - these films have increasingly less to do with my cousin Ian's original conception of the character, that's why! And please... don't bring up "Jack Palance"!
I'm afraid I really am putting my foot down, this time, Michael. You may be a co-chair of the board, but I've resigned as Scaramanga! Scaramanga always loved that mausoluem... put him in it!
What's that? If I don't do it, you'll get John Forbes-Robertson...?! Okay, okay.... anything but that! However, 'Rites' is definitely my last one...!
What?? You were rather hoping I'd agree to do 'The Legend Of The Seven Golden Guns' as well? Hong Kong Phooey-Yuk to that!! [Hangs up.]
Mrs Lee:
Never say never again, darling!
MGW [to George Lucas]:
Oh, well! I was counting on him agreeing to a couple more...
George Lucas:
Funny you should mention it, actually. I've been dreaming up a new part that would be perfect for him: Count Dooku (Paco) 'Lightsabers' Scaramanga...
MGW:
Oh, I like that! The world... shall hear of him... again!
😂😂😂😂
That was hilarious! More so for playing so well with the facts.
He certainly doesn't say the wine line in any Hammer Dracula movie, but I can't remember about "Count Dracula" or "Dracula And Son" which I haven't seen for a long time.
Nice slipping in the other Lee references at the end!
excellent! not just a mash-up, but an alternate history.
I can well imagine that after the first two MooreBond films, the series was looking so weak that throwing it all out and making Scaramamanga the main character from now on might have been tempting. Would KickKnack have been a regular? that might have cost the world Fantasy Island...
1985. MayDay’s bedroom, Zorin’s chateau. Bond just manages to slip out of his clothes and into her bed before she appears at the door.
Bond: MayDay, where have you been? I’ve been waiting for you… to take care of me personally.
(She catches the eye of Max Zorin, outside in the corridor. He gives an amused shrug. She enters the room, slips off her gown, and gets into bed with the aid of a completely unnoticeable film edit.)
Bond: I see you’re a woman of few words.
Mayday: What’s there to say?
(She climbs on top of a surprised Bond, who looks heavenward before proceeding…)
(After a discreet interval, Bond slips out of bed while MayDay sleeps. He heads for his clothes and begins to put them on.)
MayDay: And just where do you think you’re going?
Bond: (Eyebrow lifted.) I thought you were asleep.
MayDay: Get right back in here.
Bond: But of course.
MayDay: There’s no sense in going off half-cocked.
(After another discreet interval, Bond rather unsteadily slips out of bed and heads for his clothes.)
MayDay: Get your ass right back in here.
Bond: (Surprised, and slightly frightened.) Certainly.
(MayDay throws back the covers.)
Bond: You’re an inspiration. (Mutters to himself.) You’ll need to be…
(After another, rather longer interval, MayDay has fallen asleep. Bond wearily crawls out of the bed and heads for his clothes.)
MayDay: Hmphh, mmph…
(Bond looks up in undisguised terror, but MayDay is only shifting in her sleep. He puts on his clothes in record time and slips out the door.)
1971. Guy Hamilton watches the rushes of “Diamonds Are Forever”.
Editor: So, we’ve got Bond driving into the alley, see?
Guy: Yes: that’s fine.
Editor: And then he drives back out and onto the street. Now-
Guy: Hey, wait a moment! He drove in on the right side of the car and he drives out on the left side!
Editor: Aw, but no-one will ever notice that.
Guy: You think so?
Editor: Of course not! They’ll just love the stunt.
Guy: Listen, this isn’t my first James Bond film. They will definitely notice that.
Editor: You want me to flip the film?
Guy: No, that won’t work. We’ll have to shoot the whole thing again.
Editor: Are you sure Cubby will let you? He had to go to a huge amount of trouble to arrange the car chase through Las Vegas.
Guy: Yeah, you’re right. I’ll just do a studio scene where the car flips inside the alley.
Editor: But that's impossible.
Guy: No, I think we can fit that in on Tuesday.
Editor: No, I mean it's physically impossible.
Guy: This is your first James Bond movie, isn't it?
Editor: Well, yes.
Guy: You'll get used to it.
Bond returns to the safety of his room. He picks up his smartphone and types: "Dear #MeeToo. I have been violated by a tall, dark stranger ...."
"Dear James, We'll take a look at this in about 35 years or so. Signed, Phoebe"
By Charmed & Dangerous, Westward_Drift, Barbel
2021. A bookshop somewhere in London. Our heroes Timmy, Charlie and Esteban come across some books left behind by the previous owner.
No Time To Diapers by Mathilde Swann (Sequel to Live And Let Diapers, Diapers Are Forever, etc)
For My Eye Only by E.S. Blofeld
Dr No Tyet by M. G. Wilson & B. Broccoli
Interior Decorating Tips by J. Bond
Doughraker by A.R. Broccoli
Me And My Garden by Lyutsifer Safin
You Know My Name??? by Bill Tanner (Foreword by Rory Kinnear)
Die Another Way: How to Beat any Casino by Major "Q" Boothroyd (Ret.)
Brave New World by Bill Tanner
Lolita by Bibi Dahl
Bleak House by Andrew Bond
"The corrupt Western agent who loved me" by Wai Lin.
😀 I like that one! Got any more?
Madeleine Swann wrote a series of travel books on my favourite topic:
- Norway - a cracking place!
- Norway behind the mask
- Eating well in Norway (a short pamphlet)
More travel litterature:
Kincade: Welcome to Scotland!
Stacey Sutton: Geological instability of California - It's not my fault!!!
Stacey Sutton: Living with strained vocal cords
😁 Thanks, N24!
1973. CTS Recording Studio. Harry Saltzman sits in the booth while George Martin conducts the orchestra and Paul McCartney & Wings perform the title song for "Live And Let Die". The last notes die away.
George: I think that’s a wrap, do you want to hear it, Paul?
Paul: Yes, I think so.
(Paul and George head for the booth.)
Harry: So, when are you going to get round to the title song, then?
George: That was it, Harry.
Harry: What? I thought that was just background music for the boat chase or something.
George: Let’s have a listen, shall we?
(They all listen to the playback. It sounds fantastic.)
George: Sounds good, Paul.
Paul: Yeah, I think that’s the take.
Harry: What? You aren’t even singing on half the song!
George: That’s intentional, Harry.
Paul: Yeah, that’s the way I wrote it.
Harry: You wrote this? Have you written any songs before?
(George and the production staff all facepalm.)
Paul: Er… yes, I have.
Harry: Anything I might have heard of?
(Everyone in the booth suddenly find their shoes fascinating.)
Paul: Er… Yes, I think you might have heard of a few of them.
Harry: Hmph. Well, okay, we’ll go with it- who knows, you might get a career out of this and have another hit or two.
Paul: Another hit or two… if you say so, Mr Saltzman.
George: Really, Paul, I think you should tell Mr Saltzman-
Paul: No George, it’s okay, just let it be.
Harry: “Let It Be”? That’s a good title for a song, you should have a think about that.
(Linda makes to say something, but Paul stays calm.)
Paul: Yes, that’s a good idea, thanks. I’ve got a feeling I will remember the things we said today.
1979. Venice, along the banks of a canal.
Lewis Gilbert: Right, places, everyone!
(Roger Moore and Geoffrey Keen take their places in front of the camera.)
Lewis: Where’s Bernard?
Roger: He said he’d be back after a bit of lunch.
Lewis: Oh, no. Quick, everybody- search all the bars!
(Everyone splits up and begins to tour all the drinking and eating places- which is no mean task in Venice. Eventually, Bernard Lee is found by Geoffrey Keen in a small “English bar” playing the piano.)
Bernard: (Having had a few small drinks.) Right, join in everyone! (Sings.) My old man’s a dustman, he wears a-
Geoffrey: Er, Bernard?
Bernard: (Looks up cheerfully.) Geoffrey! What brings you here?
Geoffrey: Work, Bernard. We’re both needed on set.
Bernard: Oh. Well, all right.
(He gets up rather unsteadily, and Geoffrey helps him out the door and to the set.)
Lewis Gilbert: Ah, Bernard. Shall we start, now that we’re all here?
Bernard: Absolutely, Lewis, whatever you say.
Lewis: Right, then- action!
Geoffrey: (In character as the Minister.) I've never been so humiliated in my life. Your man should be taken off the assignment. I'll see you at the Consulate. (Leaves.)
Bernard: (As M.) I'll have to do what he says.
(And Bernard continues to deliver his lines perfectly, being a professional.)
(Meanwhile, on a bridge behind them, a young couple appear briefly. The man is Michael G. Wilson, but I've always wondered if the lady is Barbara Broccoli- not known for doing cameos like her brother- or Mrs MGW.
If anyone could help out here, I'd be very grateful!)
I must be channeling Harry Saltzman, because I agree with "his" assessment of the LALD title song. Where are the lyrics? It's almost an instrumental.
These conversations appear in a very random order. This one should be read after post 1647 and post 1681.
2021. A taxi draws up outside a block of flats in London.
Driver: Here you are, mister.
Bill Tanner: (Nervously.) Ah, right. Thank you.
(Bill pays the driver and walks up to the door. He checks the list of names, then gets into the lift.)
Bill: (To himself.) Easy does it, Bill. Just keep calm, it’ll be all right.
(He gets out of the lift and walks up to a door. Balancing the bunch of flowers and bottle of wine he is carrying, he rings the bell.)
Bill: Deep breaths now, just be yourself.
(The door opens. Overcome with nerves, Bill drops on one knee and closes his eyes.)
Bill: Here we are, finally! No more hiding our feelings, no more those secret smiles. Oh, you don’t know how I have waited for this moment!
(He is met by silence. Cautiously, Bill opens his eyes to see an elderly man with a grey beard, looking down at him with a rather bemused expression on his face.)
Bill: Oh… errr…
Man: I think you’ve got the wrong door, son.
Bill: (Getting up.) Ah… yes, I think so.
Man: You’ll be looking for Mr Q, I think?
Bill: (Crestfallen.) Yes, yes that’s it.
Man: I’m Mr P. Mr Q lives next door. (Points.)
Bill: Ah… yes… thank you!
Man: No problem.
(He closes the door. Bill walks down the corridor. Mr P’s door opens again.)
Mr P: Just be sure you don’t go one door too many- that’s Mr R, he can be a bit irritable.
Bill: Yes… yes, thank you.
yes I'm sure that Mr R can be a bit irritable, and even better argumentative for those who are into such a thing. Maybe he wont give you a good argument, but it will be an argument.
Better than Mr. DeBakey, who's a little bit conciliatory
😁 You got it!
Edit- for another Imaginary Conversation, perhaps Bill does knock on Mr R's door and gets into an argument.
Mr R: I've told you once.
Bill: No you haven't.
Mr R: I certainly did.
etc
if only they let John Cleese write his own dialog, his scenes at least in Die Another Day could have been so much better.
Once when I had just started a new job, I witnesses two coworkers I barely knew literally arguing "yes it is!" "no it isnt!" "yes it is!" "no it isnt!" etc in a loop for about five minutes straight with neither attempting to expand on their positions. But they werent playacting, it was some work-related technical debate, and were both getting rather worked up and red in the face. So of course when I went back to my desk I immediately went to youtube to find the sketch, and an hour later when Ms Yes-It-Is walked past my desk I dragged her over and made her watch the sketch. I'm just damn lucky she turned out to be a fellow Python-fan, because we hadn't really talked before, and a few other people I've worked with over the years might have got me fired on the spot for such impertinence!