2021. British Secret Service HQ. M is there, with Miss Moneypenny, Q, Tanner, and Nomi, the new 007. They all have drinks.
M: (Quoting.) “The proper function of man is to live, not exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my-”
(The door bursts open and several people enter.)
Prime Minister: Just as we thought! You were quite right, Pritti, there is definitely a gathering of two or more people happening here!
Home Secretary: Thank you, Boris.
M: But look here, you-
Prime Minister: But me no buts, M! You have contravened the regulations! Here, you most definitely have… er…. (Starts to count on his fingers, but gets lost.)
(The Chancellor whispers in his ear.)
Prime Minister: I know, I know. FIVE people meeting.
M: There's more than five of you!
Prime Minister: We're the Cabinet, the rules don't apply to us. And you have alcohol as well!
M: Yes, but you see-
Prime Minister: Ha! You won’t catch me having a gathering of ...er… more than two people, especially not if there’s alcohol involved!
(Q has been working quietly at a laptop, and now hands M a photograph. Miss Moneypenny sees what it is and giggles.)
M: Prime Minister, you might perhaps want to have a look at this photograph from the internal CCTV at Number 10?
Prime Minister: (Looks at photo.) What? This isn’t a photograph! It wasn’t taken inside Number 10! That’s not me!
Home Secretary: Perhaps we should go back to Number 10 and make our plans again in light of this new evidence?
Prime Minister: What? Number 10? Never heard of it!
(More denials fall from his lips as they walk off.)
2021. Board meeting of the BBC. No, not that BBC- this is British Bulldog Ceramics.
Chairman: Firstly, I’d like to thank you all very much for your efforts over the last years.
(There is a murmur of consent round the table.)
Chairman: As you can see from this graph, our sales reached a peak almost ten years ago, in 2012. From that point, they have sunk and continued to sink, with a mild upturn in sales this year.
Marketing Director: Ah yes, there was an unexpected and unprecedented amount of product placement in 2012, and a lesser amount quite recently.
Chairman: Just so. As you have said, such exposure is unusual for our product and we cannot rely on it happening again. Unless, say, Jason Bourne or Ethan Hunt were to come across one of our bulldogs during their adventures…?
Marketing Director: I would think that to be very unlikely.
Chairman: Then we only have one course of action- built-in obsolescence!
Manufacturing Director: What? Could you say that again, please?
Chairman: Built-in obsolescence. To put it quite simply, we are making them too well.
Manufacturing Director: But of course, we have always been making them as well as we possibly can.
Chairman: And there lies the problem. They never need replaced, so people don’t buy more.
Marketing Director: Yes, but you see-
Chairman: After all, these have been proven to be almost indestructible. One particular model was involved in a well-known incident in London.
Chairman: The whole office went up and that bloody thing survived.
Marketing Director: Ah! A testament to the quality of our products! We should use that in our advertising!
Chairman: No no no, that’s exactly what we don’t want to do! People will never replace them- as the graph shows, our sales will steadily decline.
Manufacturing Director: Then… you want us to make our products more easily breakable?
Chairman: I don’t see any option- unless we can rely on a certain well-known secret agent using one in his next adventure?
Marketing Director: Well, I could ask them, I suppose, but do you have any idea when that might be?
Chairman: (Sadly.) I don’t think anyone has any idea when that might be!
Safin: Are you keeping an eye on Blofeld's party in Cuba like I told you to?
Waldo: Yes, and so is Blofeld.
Safin: How does it look?
Waldo: Utterly bizarre. Someone is walking around with the eye on a small pillow!
Safin: Seriously? .....but I was asking about the party.
Waldo: I think we have to implement our plan to kill off SPECTRE. We need to do it now!
Safin: Why? I decided the risk of someone making a boring and silly movie about that organisation was small to middling.
Waldo: I'm sorry to say we're too late to stop that from happening. No, I'm calling you because of social distancing.
Safin: Social distancing?
Waldo: Exactly. The entire SPECTRE leadership is here, including Blofeld if you count the eye. The rest of him is in lockdown in England. He must've caught a really bad strain of Covid.
Safin: It's possible they're locking him down for other reasons. But what's the problem? I wanted to know more about SPECTRE's financing before we kill them.
Waldo: They're not social distancing at all! How hard can it be to keep a distance like sober Scandinavians?
Safin: And they're not?
Waldo: No, not at all. They're mingling like wild animals! Worse..... like drunk Scotsmen!
Safin: Good God! This is more dangerous than a Trump rally. And they're super-spreading like one too!
Waldo: I know. Can you imagine what effect an outbreak of Covid on this island would have on the world market for phallic cigars alone? It would be bad for the population too, I guess...
Safin: Hmm... I may do something drastic and completely unmotivated to curb the world population some day soon...
Safin: Based on what you're telling me we have to kill them all now.
Waldo: Hold it! James Bond and a beautiful woman just walked in.
Safin: That usually happens. My information says she's a CIA agent.
Waldo: I also question if she really is a secret agent. No agent with more than three weeks of training would enter an action scene in a dress like that. Even a basic gunplay scene would be risking a serious malfunction, and I'm not talking about the firearms. Martial arts would reveal the CIA more than ever before. If things went down everyone under the age of 16 would have to cover their eyes or more likely leave the room. That's a huge risk to take!
Safin: Yes, that’s true.
Waldo: Based on how young she looks I'm not even sure she can legally look down if she has an accident!
Safin: That's it! Kill everyone except Bond and the young lady. The two of them should have plenty of space to keep a safe distance.
2022. Daniel Craig’s beachside villa. He lies in a hammock, sipping his favourite drink, while his secretary goes through the mail.
Secretary: (Opening a letter.) “Dear Mr Craig, I was totally horrified by-”
Craig: Enough.
(The secretary puts the letter through a shredder.)
Secretary: “Dear Daniel, how on Earth could you-”
Craig: (Sighing.) That’s enough, too. Shred.
Secretary: “Craig, you basta-”
Craig: Ok, ok, I get the drift.
(Mrs Craig comes out of the villa.)
Mrs Craig: Daniel, it’s the “Knives Out” producers on the phone. They’re wondering when you’ll get back in touch with them.
Craig: Tell them I’ll call them later.
Mrs Craig: All right.
(She goes back into the villa.)
Secretary: (Opens another letter.) “Good on you, Dan, it’s about time somebody-”
Craig: Put that one to the side, I’ll read it later.
Secretary. Ok. Next, “Dear Mr Craig, I’ve always been a fan of you and your work. That was until I saw “No-”
Craig: Shred it.
(Mrs Craig comes back out again.)
Mrs Craig: Daniel, that was the phone again. Are you interested in “Cowboys And Aliens 2- They’re Back, And This Time It’s Personal”?
Craig: Oh God, no.
Mrs Craig: Do you want to tell them yourself?
Craig: Er…. Tell them you couldn’t find me, and I’ll call them back.
Mrs Craig: Well, all right.
(She goes back inside.)
Secretary: “Dear Mr Craig, I am completely disgusted-”
Craig: Shredder.
Secretary: “Dear Dan, welcome to the club. Signed Pierce, Tim and George.”
Craig: Hmmm… fake.
(Mrs Craig comes back out again.)
Mrs Craig: Really, Daniel, I’m getting fed up with answering the phone. That was Barbara and Michael, they want to ask if you and I could come to dinner on Saturday night.
Craig: Oh God, I know what that means... (Turning to the secretary.) Get me the “Knives Out” producers- right now! We need to start shooting on Friday!!
1970. Sean Connery’s beachside villa. He lies in a hammock, waiting for his favourite drink, while his secretary goes through the mail.
Secretary: (Opening a letter.) “Dear Mr Connery, I write to ask if you will reconsider-”
Connery: Enough.
(The secretary puts the letter through a shredder.)
Secretary: “Dear Sean, Please please please-”
Connery:: (Sighing.) That’sh enough, too.
Secretary: “Dear Mr Connery, You have to come back, the other fella is absolutely-”
Connery: Ok, ok, I get the drift.
(Mrs Connery comes out of the villa.)
Mrs Connery: Sean, it’s the “Man Who Would be King” producers on the phone. They’re wondering when you’ll get back in touch with them.
Connery: Tell them I’ll call them later.
Mrs Connery: All right.
(She goes back into the villa.)
Secretary: (Opens another letter.) “Good on you, Sean, it’s about time somebody-”
Connery: Put that one to the shide, I’ll read it later.
Secretary. Ok. Next, “Dear Mr Connery, I have always been a fan of your work. That was until I saw “Diamonds-”
Connery: Shred it.
(Mrs Connery comes back out again.)
Mrs Connery: Sean, that was the phone again. Are you interested in “Shalako 2- He’s Back, And This Time It’s Personal”?
Connery: Oh God, no.
Mrs Connery: Do you want to tell them yourself?
Connery: Er…. Tell them you couldn’t find me, and I’ll call them back.
Mrs Connery: Well, all right.
(She goes back inside.)
Secretary: “Dear Mr Connery, You will always be the one and only-”
Connery: Shredder.
Secretary: “Dear Sean, Come round to my place for a drink. Signed George.”
Connery: Hmmm… fake.
(Mrs Connery comes back out again.)
Mrs Connery: Really, Sean, I’m getting fed up with answering the phone. That was Cubby and Harry, they want to ask if you and I could come to dinner on Saturday night.
Connery: Oh God, I know what that meansh... (Turning to the secretary.) Tell my accountant to join ush on Shaturday night- he’ll be needed!
"But Barbel", I hear you cry in alarm, "we've become used to an Imaginary Conversation regularly and there's been nothing since the 16th".
Aha, never fear. It's Christmas time, and Gymkata, Charmed & Dangerous +me have been working away ceaselessly on something a bit different which we'll be sharing with you very soon.
No, it's not another pantomime like last year ("Oh yes it is!" "Oh no it isn't!"), but you'll find out!
Unconfirmed reports The 007 Scrapbook . - Page 43 — ajb007 suggest that Barbara Broccoli is to be made a Dame, and Daniel Craig receive a CMG, in the New Years Honours List.
2021. Mid December, the Broccoli mansion. Barbara and Michael sit at their unfeasibly long table, having breakfast.
BB: Pass the marmalade, Michael.
MGW: Sure.
(Gregg Wilson comes in.)
MGW: Ah, good morning, son. Fancy some bacon?
Gregg: No thanks, I’m in a hurry this morning.
MGW: What do you want, then?
Gregg: I’ll just have some toast. No time to fry.
Barbara: Gregg!!
MGW: (Proudly giving a thumbs up.) Going places, that boy.
(The butler enters and places the mail in front of BB, who begins opening it.)
BB: (Reading.) “A wonderful Christmas to all of you from everyone here. Signed, Daniel and (Her voice drops several degrees.) Rachel.”
MGW: That’s nice. Did you remember to send them one?
BB: Oh, yes, I remembered to send him… er… them one.
MGW: What’s next?
BB: (Reading.) “I hope you rot in hell, you pair of two-faced, lying bastards.”
MGW: Really, I would have thought Pierce would have got over it by now.
(BB opens the next letter and draws in breath sharply.)
MGW: Barbara? Are you okay?
Bb: Er… yes, I’m fine.
MGW: What does it say?
BB: It’s nothing, let’s just see what the next Christmas card is.
MGW: You don’t fool me. That’s no ordinary envelope, I can see a crown on it from here. And it says “OHMS”- and I don’t think it’s from George, he can spell. Let me see it!
BB: No!
Michael: Gregg…?
(Gregg takes the letter from his aunt and hands it to his father.)
BB: Really!
MGW: (Reading.) “Her Majesty has decided to…” What???
BB: Honestly, Michael, I knew nothing about this until I-
MGW: Dame Barbara???? Dame Barbara Broccoli????
BB: I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t know-
MGW: And nothing for me? And I’ve been working on the Bond films twice as long as you have???
BB: Yes, but-
MGW: Wait a minute, there’s more… (Reads.) And Daniel Craig gets a CMG????
BB: Oh, does he? I hadn’t read that far.
MGW: “I hadn’t read that far”. Gee, I wonder who set that up.
Thank you, Shady. This one has arrived a few days late, I'm afraid. Just the usual delays at this time of year.
1962. Midnight, December 24th. The skies over London. Santa Claus flies his sleigh, checking a map.
Santa: ….I think this is it. Stop, Rudolf.
(The reindeer come to a halt.)
Santa: Yes, this is the right address. Pass me the parcel over, lads.
(The elves pass over a large parcel. It squirms.)
Parcel: Mmph!
First Elf: Are you sure, Santa?
Santa: Yes, this is definitely it.
(Santa picks up the wriggling parcel and steps down from the sleigh, heading for a chimney. He checks the address again, then carefully drops the parcel down the chimney.)
Parcel: Mmph!!!
(In a nicely decorated spinster apartment below sits a lonely attractive woman in her thirties. She checks the clock one last time, wipes a tear from her eye, and gets up to head for bed. There is a “thump” from behind her, and she turns to see the parcel landing in front of her fireplace.)
Woman: What….?
(She goes to investigate, and tears off the paper. A man emerges- tall, dark, handsome, and wearing a tuxedo.)
2022. Early January, Buckingham Palace. The Queen is partaking of breakfast with Charles and Camilla.
The Queen: Another slice of toast, Charles?
Charles: Yes, please, Mumsy.
Camilla: I’d like another-
The Queen: Butler! Another slice of toast for His Highness.
Butler: Certainly, Your Majesty.
(Charles is handed another slice of toast.)
The Queen: Please read this morning’s mail to me, Charles.
Charles: Of course. Let me see… there’s one from a Hugo Drax. “YourMajesty, may I have the temerity-”
The Queen: Enough. Next..
Charles: “Your Majesty, may I express my most sincere thanks at your recent award of the CMG. This was a most flattering honour and I shall do my best to live up to it. Signed, Daniel Craig.”
The Queen: Oh yes, he was the one who took me up in the helicopter above Wembley Stadium. What a nice chap.
Charles: “Your Majesty, how come Sean and Roger got knighthoods and Craig got a CMG and all I got was a lousy OBE? Signed, P. Brosnan.”
The Queen: What? This is treason! I’ll have his head for this!
Charles: Er, you can’t do that, Mumsy.
Camilla: You see-
The Queen: I’m the Queen, I can do whatever I want.
Charles: He’s an Irish citizen, Mumsy, and I think he has dual citizenship in the USA.
The Queen: He says he got an OBE.
Charles: An honorary OBE.
The Queen: Then he shall have an honorary beheading.
Camilla: Ah, but-
The Queen: Set it up at once.
Charles: Can we talk about this later? Let’s get back to the letters.
The Queen: Oh, very well.
Charles: One from an Elon Musk. It would appear he would like to buy England.
The Queen: That’s not a problem, we’ll simply move to Balmoral and live in Scotland.
Charles: Ah, here's an unsigned one. It says: "Granny, we haven't embarrassed you for several weeks, by any chance could you see your way for Meg and I to resume-"
The Queen: Harrumph! One will have to see about that- in the gossip pages, I shouldn’t wonder.
Charles: Another unsigned one. It says: "Mumma, I've been keeping a low profile for quite a while now and I haven't been interviewed recently by any beastly BBC Newsnight reporters, so by any chance could I resume-"
The Queen: Harrumph! One will have to see about that- in the legal pages, one is sorry to say.
Charles: Here's one from Jeff Bezos: "Your Madge, I'm planning a new reality show called 'The Amazon Queen'. It's about what happens when, ah, I buy the rights to the Royal Family. I was wondering if you'd like to be in it, or maybe for starters you could send me a coupla members of the family?"
The Queen: Hmm, that could be arranged. In fact, I have a few ideas about that…
Camilla: Well, I think-
The Queen: What’s next, Charles?
Charles: One from Vladimir Putin. He admires your style, and is offering to help you with disposing of any…. Er, he then goes on to say something about telling them to stand next to open windows.
The Queen: One shall bear that in mind.
Charles: Here’s one from someone who has signed himself just as “George”. “G’day, Your Maj, you might remember me from back in ‘69. Do you fancy a sha-
The Queen/Camilla: Charles!
Edit- Try and read it in the voices Hugh Dennis uses for them!
Comments
😂😂😂 That's in danger of becoming all too true...
Loved that, thanks Gymkata! 👍
2021. British Secret Service HQ. M is there, with Miss Moneypenny, Q, Tanner, and Nomi, the new 007. They all have drinks.
M: (Quoting.) “The proper function of man is to live, not exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my-”
(The door bursts open and several people enter.)
Prime Minister: Just as we thought! You were quite right, Pritti, there is definitely a gathering of two or more people happening here!
Home Secretary: Thank you, Boris.
M: But look here, you-
Prime Minister: But me no buts, M! You have contravened the regulations! Here, you most definitely have… er…. (Starts to count on his fingers, but gets lost.)
(The Chancellor whispers in his ear.)
Prime Minister: I know, I know. FIVE people meeting.
M: There's more than five of you!
Prime Minister: We're the Cabinet, the rules don't apply to us. And you have alcohol as well!
M: Yes, but you see-
Prime Minister: Ha! You won’t catch me having a gathering of ...er… more than two people, especially not if there’s alcohol involved!
(Q has been working quietly at a laptop, and now hands M a photograph. Miss Moneypenny sees what it is and giggles.)
M: Prime Minister, you might perhaps want to have a look at this photograph from the internal CCTV at Number 10?
Prime Minister: (Looks at photo.) What? This isn’t a photograph! It wasn’t taken inside Number 10! That’s not me!
Home Secretary: Perhaps we should go back to Number 10 and make our plans again in light of this new evidence?
Prime Minister: What? Number 10? Never heard of it!
(More denials fall from his lips as they walk off.)
PS The actual quote is from Jack London.
Christmas parties in No. 10 during lockdown? The PM would never be stupid or insensitive enough to do that in real life. 😉🤣🤣🤣🤣
😆Keep up the good humour all. Lord knows we need it at the moment!👍
That is the secret and cunning plan! Thanks!
2021. Board meeting of the BBC. No, not that BBC- this is British Bulldog Ceramics.
Chairman: Firstly, I’d like to thank you all very much for your efforts over the last years.
(There is a murmur of consent round the table.)
Chairman: As you can see from this graph, our sales reached a peak almost ten years ago, in 2012. From that point, they have sunk and continued to sink, with a mild upturn in sales this year.
Marketing Director: Ah yes, there was an unexpected and unprecedented amount of product placement in 2012, and a lesser amount quite recently.
Chairman: Just so. As you have said, such exposure is unusual for our product and we cannot rely on it happening again. Unless, say, Jason Bourne or Ethan Hunt were to come across one of our bulldogs during their adventures…?
Marketing Director: I would think that to be very unlikely.
Chairman: Then we only have one course of action- built-in obsolescence!
Manufacturing Director: What? Could you say that again, please?
Chairman: Built-in obsolescence. To put it quite simply, we are making them too well.
Manufacturing Director: But of course, we have always been making them as well as we possibly can.
Chairman: And there lies the problem. They never need replaced, so people don’t buy more.
Marketing Director: Yes, but you see-
Chairman: After all, these have been proven to be almost indestructible. One particular model was involved in a well-known incident in London.
Chairman: The whole office went up and that bloody thing survived.
Marketing Director: Ah! A testament to the quality of our products! We should use that in our advertising!
Chairman: No no no, that’s exactly what we don’t want to do! People will never replace them- as the graph shows, our sales will steadily decline.
Manufacturing Director: Then… you want us to make our products more easily breakable?
Chairman: I don’t see any option- unless we can rely on a certain well-known secret agent using one in his next adventure?
Marketing Director: Well, I could ask them, I suppose, but do you have any idea when that might be?
Chairman: (Sadly.) I don’t think anyone has any idea when that might be!
This is from the mind of Number24.
2021. Safin gets a phone call.
Safin: Hallo?
Waldo: It's me, Waldo.
Safin: Are you keeping an eye on Blofeld's party in Cuba like I told you to?
Waldo: Yes, and so is Blofeld.
Safin: How does it look?
Waldo: Utterly bizarre. Someone is walking around with the eye on a small pillow!
Safin: Seriously? .....but I was asking about the party.
Waldo: I think we have to implement our plan to kill off SPECTRE. We need to do it now!
Safin: Why? I decided the risk of someone making a boring and silly movie about that organisation was small to middling.
Waldo: I'm sorry to say we're too late to stop that from happening. No, I'm calling you because of social distancing.
Safin: Social distancing?
Waldo: Exactly. The entire SPECTRE leadership is here, including Blofeld if you count the eye. The rest of him is in lockdown in England. He must've caught a really bad strain of Covid.
Safin: It's possible they're locking him down for other reasons. But what's the problem? I wanted to know more about SPECTRE's financing before we kill them.
Waldo: They're not social distancing at all! How hard can it be to keep a distance like sober Scandinavians?
Safin: And they're not?
Waldo: No, not at all. They're mingling like wild animals! Worse..... like drunk Scotsmen!
Safin: Good God! This is more dangerous than a Trump rally. And they're super-spreading like one too!
Waldo: I know. Can you imagine what effect an outbreak of Covid on this island would have on the world market for phallic cigars alone? It would be bad for the population too, I guess...
Safin: Hmm... I may do something drastic and completely unmotivated to curb the world population some day soon...
Safin: Based on what you're telling me we have to kill them all now.
Waldo: Hold it! James Bond and a beautiful woman just walked in.
Safin: That usually happens. My information says she's a CIA agent.
Waldo: I also question if she really is a secret agent. No agent with more than three weeks of training would enter an action scene in a dress like that. Even a basic gunplay scene would be risking a serious malfunction, and I'm not talking about the firearms. Martial arts would reveal the CIA more than ever before. If things went down everyone under the age of 16 would have to cover their eyes or more likely leave the room. That's a huge risk to take!
Safin: Yes, that’s true.
Waldo: Based on how young she looks I'm not even sure she can legally look down if she has an accident!
Safin: That's it! Kill everyone except Bond and the young lady. The two of them should have plenty of space to keep a safe distance.
Waldo: I wouldn't bet on it!
2022. Daniel Craig’s beachside villa. He lies in a hammock, sipping his favourite drink, while his secretary goes through the mail.
Secretary: (Opening a letter.) “Dear Mr Craig, I was totally horrified by-”
Craig: Enough.
(The secretary puts the letter through a shredder.)
Secretary: “Dear Daniel, how on Earth could you-”
Craig: (Sighing.) That’s enough, too. Shred.
Secretary: “Craig, you basta-”
Craig: Ok, ok, I get the drift.
(Mrs Craig comes out of the villa.)
Mrs Craig: Daniel, it’s the “Knives Out” producers on the phone. They’re wondering when you’ll get back in touch with them.
Craig: Tell them I’ll call them later.
Mrs Craig: All right.
(She goes back into the villa.)
Secretary: (Opens another letter.) “Good on you, Dan, it’s about time somebody-”
Craig: Put that one to the side, I’ll read it later.
Secretary. Ok. Next, “Dear Mr Craig, I’ve always been a fan of you and your work. That was until I saw “No-”
Craig: Shred it.
(Mrs Craig comes back out again.)
Mrs Craig: Daniel, that was the phone again. Are you interested in “Cowboys And Aliens 2- They’re Back, And This Time It’s Personal”?
Craig: Oh God, no.
Mrs Craig: Do you want to tell them yourself?
Craig: Er…. Tell them you couldn’t find me, and I’ll call them back.
Mrs Craig: Well, all right.
(She goes back inside.)
Secretary: “Dear Mr Craig, I am completely disgusted-”
Craig: Shredder.
Secretary: “Dear Dan, welcome to the club. Signed Pierce, Tim and George.”
Craig: Hmmm… fake.
(Mrs Craig comes back out again.)
Mrs Craig: Really, Daniel, I’m getting fed up with answering the phone. That was Barbara and Michael, they want to ask if you and I could come to dinner on Saturday night.
Craig: Oh God, I know what that means... (Turning to the secretary.) Get me the “Knives Out” producers- right now! We need to start shooting on Friday!!
😂😂😂 That shredder must be working overtime...
And it had a grandparent, too....
1970. Sean Connery’s beachside villa. He lies in a hammock, waiting for his favourite drink, while his secretary goes through the mail.
Secretary: (Opening a letter.) “Dear Mr Connery, I write to ask if you will reconsider-”
Connery: Enough.
(The secretary puts the letter through a shredder.)
Secretary: “Dear Sean, Please please please-”
Connery:: (Sighing.) That’sh enough, too.
Secretary: “Dear Mr Connery, You have to come back, the other fella is absolutely-”
Connery: Ok, ok, I get the drift.
(Mrs Connery comes out of the villa.)
Mrs Connery: Sean, it’s the “Man Who Would be King” producers on the phone. They’re wondering when you’ll get back in touch with them.
Connery: Tell them I’ll call them later.
Mrs Connery: All right.
(She goes back into the villa.)
Secretary: (Opens another letter.) “Good on you, Sean, it’s about time somebody-”
Connery: Put that one to the shide, I’ll read it later.
Secretary. Ok. Next, “Dear Mr Connery, I have always been a fan of your work. That was until I saw “Diamonds-”
Connery: Shred it.
(Mrs Connery comes back out again.)
Mrs Connery: Sean, that was the phone again. Are you interested in “Shalako 2- He’s Back, And This Time It’s Personal”?
Connery: Oh God, no.
Mrs Connery: Do you want to tell them yourself?
Connery: Er…. Tell them you couldn’t find me, and I’ll call them back.
Mrs Connery: Well, all right.
(She goes back inside.)
Secretary: “Dear Mr Connery, You will always be the one and only-”
Connery: Shredder.
Secretary: “Dear Sean, Come round to my place for a drink. Signed George.”
Connery: Hmmm… fake.
(Mrs Connery comes back out again.)
Mrs Connery: Really, Sean, I’m getting fed up with answering the phone. That was Cubby and Harry, they want to ask if you and I could come to dinner on Saturday night.
Connery: Oh God, I know what that meansh... (Turning to the secretary.) Tell my accountant to join ush on Shaturday night- he’ll be needed!
😂😂😂
Connery: "Shredder!"
Secretary: "It's redder than what, Sean?"
😄😄😄😄
"But Barbel", I hear you cry in alarm, "we've become used to an Imaginary Conversation regularly and there's been nothing since the 16th".
Aha, never fear. It's Christmas time, and Gymkata, Charmed & Dangerous +me have been working away ceaselessly on something a bit different which we'll be sharing with you very soon.
No, it's not another pantomime like last year ("Oh yes it is!" "Oh no it isn't!"), but you'll find out!
And here it is! "Die A Little Every Day" — ajb007
Part Two is now posted.
Part Three is there now.
...and now Part Four! Link above. Merry Christmas to all.
Unconfirmed reports The 007 Scrapbook . - Page 43 — ajb007 suggest that Barbara Broccoli is to be made a Dame, and Daniel Craig receive a CMG, in the New Years Honours List.
2021. Mid December, the Broccoli mansion. Barbara and Michael sit at their unfeasibly long table, having breakfast.
BB: Pass the marmalade, Michael.
MGW: Sure.
(Gregg Wilson comes in.)
MGW: Ah, good morning, son. Fancy some bacon?
Gregg: No thanks, I’m in a hurry this morning.
MGW: What do you want, then?
Gregg: I’ll just have some toast. No time to fry.
Barbara: Gregg!!
MGW: (Proudly giving a thumbs up.) Going places, that boy.
(The butler enters and places the mail in front of BB, who begins opening it.)
BB: (Reading.) “A wonderful Christmas to all of you from everyone here. Signed, Daniel and (Her voice drops several degrees.) Rachel.”
MGW: That’s nice. Did you remember to send them one?
BB: Oh, yes, I remembered to send him… er… them one.
MGW: What’s next?
BB: (Reading.) “I hope you rot in hell, you pair of two-faced, lying bastards.”
MGW: Really, I would have thought Pierce would have got over it by now.
(BB opens the next letter and draws in breath sharply.)
MGW: Barbara? Are you okay?
Bb: Er… yes, I’m fine.
MGW: What does it say?
BB: It’s nothing, let’s just see what the next Christmas card is.
MGW: You don’t fool me. That’s no ordinary envelope, I can see a crown on it from here. And it says “OHMS”- and I don’t think it’s from George, he can spell. Let me see it!
BB: No!
Michael: Gregg…?
(Gregg takes the letter from his aunt and hands it to his father.)
BB: Really!
MGW: (Reading.) “Her Majesty has decided to…” What???
BB: Honestly, Michael, I knew nothing about this until I-
MGW: Dame Barbara???? Dame Barbara Broccoli????
BB: I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t know-
MGW: And nothing for me? And I’ve been working on the Bond films twice as long as you have???
BB: Yes, but-
MGW: Wait a minute, there’s more… (Reads.) And Daniel Craig gets a CMG????
BB: Oh, does he? I hadn’t read that far.
MGW: “I hadn’t read that far”. Gee, I wonder who set that up.
BB: I really don’t know what you mean.
MGW: Oh, don’t you, Barbara?
BB: That’s Dame Barbara!
MGW: Argh!
Daniel and Sienna? What will Rachel think?
Whoops.... Corrected!
Edit- the original idea was that BB couldn't bring herself to say "Rachel" but I didn't make it clear enough. My fault for writing too quickly.
Fine work as usual, Sir!
😂😂😂 So quick off the mark!
I imagine Pierce writing a similar letter to HM should DC be awarded the CMG...
That's a great idea- see PM.
Still my favourite thread 🤣🤣🤣
Poor Pierce lol. He'd have needed a haircut to make his Commander's cap look right.
Thank you, Shady. This one has arrived a few days late, I'm afraid. Just the usual delays at this time of year.
1962. Midnight, December 24th. The skies over London. Santa Claus flies his sleigh, checking a map.
Santa: ….I think this is it. Stop, Rudolf.
(The reindeer come to a halt.)
Santa: Yes, this is the right address. Pass me the parcel over, lads.
(The elves pass over a large parcel. It squirms.)
Parcel: Mmph!
First Elf: Are you sure, Santa?
Santa: Yes, this is definitely it.
(Santa picks up the wriggling parcel and steps down from the sleigh, heading for a chimney. He checks the address again, then carefully drops the parcel down the chimney.)
Parcel: Mmph!!!
(In a nicely decorated spinster apartment below sits a lonely attractive woman in her thirties. She checks the clock one last time, wipes a tear from her eye, and gets up to head for bed. There is a “thump” from behind her, and she turns to see the parcel landing in front of her fireplace.)
Woman: What….?
(She goes to investigate, and tears off the paper. A man emerges- tall, dark, handsome, and wearing a tuxedo.)
Man: Where…? Moneypenny!
Moneypenny: James!
(She goes to shout up the chimney.)
Moneypenny: Thank you, Santa!
A Happy New Year to one and all!
By Barbel, Charmed & Dangerous, and Gymkata
2022. Early January, Buckingham Palace. The Queen is partaking of breakfast with Charles and Camilla.
The Queen: Another slice of toast, Charles?
Charles: Yes, please, Mumsy.
Camilla: I’d like another-
The Queen: Butler! Another slice of toast for His Highness.
Butler: Certainly, Your Majesty.
(Charles is handed another slice of toast.)
The Queen: Please read this morning’s mail to me, Charles.
Charles: Of course. Let me see… there’s one from a Hugo Drax. “Your Majesty, may I have the temerity-”
The Queen: Enough. Next..
Charles: “Your Majesty, may I express my most sincere thanks at your recent award of the CMG. This was a most flattering honour and I shall do my best to live up to it. Signed, Daniel Craig.”
The Queen: Oh yes, he was the one who took me up in the helicopter above Wembley Stadium. What a nice chap.
Charles: “Your Majesty, how come Sean and Roger got knighthoods and Craig got a CMG and all I got was a lousy OBE? Signed, P. Brosnan.”
The Queen: What? This is treason! I’ll have his head for this!
Charles: Er, you can’t do that, Mumsy.
Camilla: You see-
The Queen: I’m the Queen, I can do whatever I want.
Charles: He’s an Irish citizen, Mumsy, and I think he has dual citizenship in the USA.
The Queen: He says he got an OBE.
Charles: An honorary OBE.
The Queen: Then he shall have an honorary beheading.
Camilla: Ah, but-
The Queen: Set it up at once.
Charles: Can we talk about this later? Let’s get back to the letters.
The Queen: Oh, very well.
Charles: One from an Elon Musk. It would appear he would like to buy England.
The Queen: That’s not a problem, we’ll simply move to Balmoral and live in Scotland.
Charles: Ah, here's an unsigned one. It says: "Granny, we haven't embarrassed you for several weeks, by any chance could you see your way for Meg and I to resume-"
The Queen: Harrumph! One will have to see about that- in the gossip pages, I shouldn’t wonder.
Charles: Another unsigned one. It says: "Mumma, I've been keeping a low profile for quite a while now and I haven't been interviewed recently by any beastly BBC Newsnight reporters, so by any chance could I resume-"
The Queen: Harrumph! One will have to see about that- in the legal pages, one is sorry to say.
Charles: Here's one from Jeff Bezos: "Your Madge, I'm planning a new reality show called 'The Amazon Queen'. It's about what happens when, ah, I buy the rights to the Royal Family. I was wondering if you'd like to be in it, or maybe for starters you could send me a coupla members of the family?"
The Queen: Hmm, that could be arranged. In fact, I have a few ideas about that…
Camilla: Well, I think-
The Queen: What’s next, Charles?
Charles: One from Vladimir Putin. He admires your style, and is offering to help you with disposing of any…. Er, he then goes on to say something about telling them to stand next to open windows.
The Queen: One shall bear that in mind.
Charles: Here’s one from someone who has signed himself just as “George”. “G’day, Your Maj, you might remember me from back in ‘69. Do you fancy a sha-
The Queen/Camilla: Charles!
Edit- Try and read it in the voices Hugh Dennis uses for them!
😊
😂😂😂 Definitely the Hugh Dennis voices!