Gets me thinking that in a future Bond movie the villain and her henchman could be a vengeful Duchess and her dark (or ginger) Prince, launching rockets (metaphorical or otherwise) on London (or Windsor) from a luxurious Californian lair, like Shakespearean malcontents leaving Bond in a right royal quandary On Her Majesty's Service. A certain other Prince might well feel like going the way of DAD's Colonel Moon this year, booking himself into Dr Alvarez's clinic for some DNA replacement therapy - particularly any sort which alters one's ability to sweat - before landing back into public life with a Union Jack parachute to the strains of The (culture) Clash. As Drax might have added, "A shooting weekend. Just a straightforward shooting weekend. You missed, Ms Maitlis!" Emily Maitlis: "Did I?"
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
1962. Ian and Anne Fleming lie in bed, enjoying their early morning coffee. It’svery strong coffee, from De Bry in New Oxford Street, brewed in an American Chemex, of which they will drink two large cups, black and without sugar.
Anne: Is everything all right, Ian?
Ian: Yes, my darling. I’m just stuck for ideas for my next book. Can you help me?
Anne: Again? Didn’t I come up with the idea for robbing Fort Knox?
Ian: (Sadly.) You give me that idea every time you go shopping, my love.
Anne: And every time you poke me for new ideas before I’ve had my first coffee, I get the urge to send you raking the moon in a rocket.
Ian: Point taken.
Anne: And wasn’t it my idea to put him on the Orient Express?
Ian: No, it was my idea to put you on the Orient Express, but you talked me out of it.
Anne: Well, it was definitely my idea about the flying car.
Ian: But that wasn’t in a Bond book, my darling.
Anne: Well, put Bond in an invisible car, then.
Ian: (Splutters his coffee.) Invisible car????
Anne: Yes, an invisible car. (Happily.) I like that idea.
Ian: I am NOT putting James Bond in an invisible car! Might as well ask me to have him surfing over icebergs!
Anne: Now, don’t be silly, Ian.
Ian: Well, you started it.
Anne: So, what are you going to do then?
Ian: Oh, I don’t know. I found this manuscript on my desk, from a Vivienne Michel. I suppose I might take a look at that.
Anne: All right, then. More coffee?
Now here’s what actually happened….
2021. Barbel and Bride of Barbel lie in bed, enjoying their early morning tea (her) and coffee (him).
Bride of Barbel: Is everything all right, my love?
Barbel: Yes, my darling. I’m just stuck for ideas for my next Imaginary Conversation. Can you help me?
Bride of Barbel: Again? Didn’t I come up with the idea of the company making the bulldogs?
Barbel: Yes, of course you did.
Bride of Barbel: Well, how about Ian Fleming and Mrs Fleming are enjoying their early morning tea/coffee and he asks her for ideas for his next book?
Q: ...and this is something I’ve been working on. A miniaturised grenade, hidden inside this wristwatch, here.
Bond: That’sh amazing, Q, but, er, I’d like to ashk you…
Q: Yes?
Bond: It’sh a bit embarrashing… Oh well, I shupposhe I’ll have to ashk. You know I have a lot of shwimming coming up, in the Bahamash?
Q: Yes, of course.
Bond: Well… have you got shome short of waterproof glue?
Q: Waterproof glue? Oh, for your toupee, you mean.
Bond: (Taken aback.) You know about that?
Q: I think everyone knows about that. Yes, of course, here.
(Q hands Bond a tube marked “Stay-On: guaranteed to keep your hair on your head.”)
Bond: And it’ll work underwater?
Q: Yes, definitely.
Bond: And if I get in a fight and it getsh pulled off? What then?
Q: Take this. (He hands Bond a small Charlie Chaplin moustache.) Slap it on your head and it will expand to cover your scalp. For short periods only, of course- say about four minutes.
Bond: Thanksh, Q. Where should I hide it?
Q: In your chest hair, of course. No-one will spot it there.
Q: ...and this is something I’ve been working on. It’s called a family tree.
Bond: A family… what did you say?
Q: A family tree. Look, there’s you, you see? And above you are your parents, Andrew and Monique, and your aunt Charmain.
Bond: Yes, but who are all these other people?
Q: Well, you keep coming across relations you don’t know about, so I thought some form of early warning might be useful. See, here’s your brother Franz… or should I say, Ernst?
Bond: He’s not really my- and who’s this "Mathilde" hurriedly written in at the bottom?
Q: Ah. You noticed that. Well you see, James, sometimes when a man and a woman really love each other, they-
Without him, British comedy would have to work a lot harder for material. In my defence, I don't use him a lot here and it would be odd for a Brit to make no jokes about our Government at all. It's almost a national sport.
Good points, and Boris clearly has the flexibility of a man without a spine. What I am saying this: There's an aniversary coming up shortly reminding us of bigger and more dangerous lies.
You're having fun and making good jokes and I shouldn't have tried to meddle, but as bad as Boris is I don't think he's a threath to democracy.
Bond: Hmm, I’m home so seldom that I can never remember which one is mine... Perhaps this one? It does look familiar.
(Bond parks his car and goes to a door marked "221B". A man with a moustache, carrying an old-fashioned doctor's bag, answers the door.)
Man: Yes?
Bond: I’m sorry, I thought that this was my house.
Man: No, I think that you’re-
2nd Man: Let me see, Watson.
(The first man groans slightly as a tall thin man smoking a pipe walks forward.)
2nd Man: I see from your clothing that you were once a sailor, but now work for, shall we say, an unspecified department in the Ministry of Defence. And your father was a Scot and your mother Swiss. Your car has been modified in unusual ways- an ejector seat, for example- and under your left arm is a holster holding a firearm, most probably made by the Walther company.
Bond: That’s true, but at the moment I’m looking for-
2nd Man: For breakfast you had scrambled eggs, and last night you had rather too many martinis, shaken but not stirred. Furthermore, you were with a woman in her early twenties with long red hair, an unusually long tongue, missing one of her stockings, about five foot five inches, with loose morals and a father complex. She enjoyed taking your-
Watson: Enough, Holmes. This man is merely seeking his house.
Holmes: Oh, right. Take the first on the right, then second left.
Bond: Thank you.
(Bond heads back to his car.)
Watson: (Voice fading as Bond leaves.) Really, Holmes, I wish you wouldn't do that.
Comments
Happy New Year, guys - and what a tour de force!
Gets me thinking that in a future Bond movie the villain and her henchman could be a vengeful Duchess and her dark (or ginger) Prince, launching rockets (metaphorical or otherwise) on London (or Windsor) from a luxurious Californian lair, like Shakespearean malcontents leaving Bond in a right royal quandary On Her Majesty's Service. A certain other Prince might well feel like going the way of DAD's Colonel Moon this year, booking himself into Dr Alvarez's clinic for some DNA replacement therapy - particularly any sort which alters one's ability to sweat - before landing back into public life with a Union Jack parachute to the strains of The (culture) Clash. As Drax might have added, "A shooting weekend. Just a straightforward shooting weekend. You missed, Ms Maitlis!" Emily Maitlis: "Did I?"
😂😂😂
😄😄😄 That's hilarious!
1962. Ian and Anne Fleming lie in bed, enjoying their early morning coffee. It’s very strong coffee, from De Bry in New Oxford Street, brewed in an American Chemex, of which they will drink two large cups, black and without sugar.
Anne: Is everything all right, Ian?
Ian: Yes, my darling. I’m just stuck for ideas for my next book. Can you help me?
Anne: Again? Didn’t I come up with the idea for robbing Fort Knox?
Ian: (Sadly.) You give me that idea every time you go shopping, my love.
Anne: And every time you poke me for new ideas before I’ve had my first coffee, I get the urge to send you raking the moon in a rocket.
Ian: Point taken.
Anne: And wasn’t it my idea to put him on the Orient Express?
Ian: No, it was my idea to put you on the Orient Express, but you talked me out of it.
Anne: Well, it was definitely my idea about the flying car.
Ian: But that wasn’t in a Bond book, my darling.
Anne: Well, put Bond in an invisible car, then.
Ian: (Splutters his coffee.) Invisible car????
Anne: Yes, an invisible car. (Happily.) I like that idea.
Ian: I am NOT putting James Bond in an invisible car! Might as well ask me to have him surfing over icebergs!
Anne: Now, don’t be silly, Ian.
Ian: Well, you started it.
Anne: So, what are you going to do then?
Ian: Oh, I don’t know. I found this manuscript on my desk, from a Vivienne Michel. I suppose I might take a look at that.
Anne: All right, then. More coffee?
Now here’s what actually happened….
2021. Barbel and Bride of Barbel lie in bed, enjoying their early morning tea (her) and coffee (him).
Bride of Barbel: Is everything all right, my love?
Barbel: Yes, my darling. I’m just stuck for ideas for my next Imaginary Conversation. Can you help me?
Bride of Barbel: Again? Didn’t I come up with the idea of the company making the bulldogs?
Barbel: Yes, of course you did.
Bride of Barbel: Well, how about Ian Fleming and Mrs Fleming are enjoying their early morning tea/coffee and he asks her for ideas for his next book?
Barbel: Brilliant! I’ll do that!
To Bride of Barbel! (or should it be Barbelella?) 😁
Oh, I wouldn't recommend calling her that!
Not even the North Sea and lockdown can keep me safe?
wait, a pun on the Bride of Frankenstein is less offensive than a pun on Barbarella?
..vs...
does the Bride of Barbel perhaps not know the Husband of the Bride of Barbel is a fan of old Universal horror movies and does not get the reference?
But of course she knows!
Did I mention I live in an apartment building in Oslo? 🙄
With thanks to Gymkata and Charmed & Dangerous
1965. Q Branch.
Q: ...and this is something I’ve been working on. A miniaturised grenade, hidden inside this wristwatch, here.
Bond: That’sh amazing, Q, but, er, I’d like to ashk you…
Q: Yes?
Bond: It’sh a bit embarrashing… Oh well, I shupposhe I’ll have to ashk. You know I have a lot of shwimming coming up, in the Bahamash?
Q: Yes, of course.
Bond: Well… have you got shome short of waterproof glue?
Q: Waterproof glue? Oh, for your toupee, you mean.
Bond: (Taken aback.) You know about that?
Q: I think everyone knows about that. Yes, of course, here.
(Q hands Bond a tube marked “Stay-On: guaranteed to keep your hair on your head.”)
Bond: And it’ll work underwater?
Q: Yes, definitely.
Bond: And if I get in a fight and it getsh pulled off? What then?
Q: Take this. (He hands Bond a small Charlie Chaplin moustache.) Slap it on your head and it will expand to cover your scalp. For short periods only, of course- say about four minutes.
Bond: Thanksh, Q. Where should I hide it?
Q: In your chest hair, of course. No-one will spot it there.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1969. Q Branch.
Q: ...and this is something I’ve been working on. It's called a voice changer.
Bond: Whaddya say?
Q: A voice changer. Here, try it.
Bond: (Through voice changer.) Thish ridiculoush contraption acshually sheemsh to work, Q.
Q: No, don't use that setting- here, let me help.
Bond: (Sir Hilary's voice.) Oh, that's very good.
Q: Thought you might be able to use it soon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
1978. Christmas in Q Branch.
Q: ….and this is something I’ve been working on. It’s a-
Bond: One moment, Q. Please take a look at this book which I received in the MI6 “Secret Santa” celebration.
Q: Oh? How do you know it’s from me?
Bond: I am a spy, Q.
Q: Some opinions may vary on that one.
Bond: “The Sid James Book Of Double Entendres”.
Q: Most appropriate.
Bond: (Reading from book.) Young Lady “I like to be in bed at a reasonable hour”. James “I assure you, I’ll do my very best”.
Q: I can just hear you saying that.
Bond: Young Lady “I love an early morning ride”. James “I’m an early riser myself.”.
Q: You’ll use that one eventually, I’m sure of that. Now, about this present which I received- a practical joke kit.
Bond: Sounds like you’ll have plenty of fun with that!
Q: Hmmm, well… what would you suggest I do with this whoopee cushion, for instance?
Bond: Slip it on M’s chair next time you’re in his office. He’ll love it!
----------------------------------------------------------------
1988. Q Branch.
Q: ….and this is something I’ve been working on. I got it from a man called Roddenberry. It’s called a humour chip.
Bond: A humour chip?
Q: Yes, it makes a person more able to understand jokes and how they work.
Bond: I see. What do you intend to do with it?
Q: Well, if I implant it into your brain you’ll be able to-
Bond: No way!
---------------------------------------------------------------
2002. Q Branch.
Q: ...and this is something I’ve been working on. It’s called an “Autotune”.
Bond: Autotune? What’s that?
Q: If a person cannot sing in tune, it alters the notes so that it sounds as if they are singing in tune.
Bond: And does it sound good?
Q: Well… well, it makes them sound… ah… different. But it does sound better than if they hadn’t had the help.
Bond: Why would I want this?
Q: Em… and here, this is a guide to the Greek islands. You may be needing this.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2016. Q Branch.
Q: ...and this is something I’ve been working on. It’s called a family tree.
Bond: A family… what did you say?
Q: A family tree. Look, there’s you, you see? And above you are your parents, Andrew and Monique, and your aunt Charmain.
Bond: Yes, but who are all these other people?
Q: Well, you keep coming across relations you don’t know about, so I thought some form of early warning might be useful. See, here’s your brother Franz… or should I say, Ernst?
Bond: He’s not really my- and who’s this "Mathilde" hurriedly written in at the bottom?
Q: Ah. You noticed that. Well you see, James, sometimes when a man and a woman really love each other, they-
Bond: Cut that out!
Keep up the good ..... Nay, great work!
Barbel, that's hilarious! "Auto tune"! 😂😂😂😂😂
Thanks, guys. 😃
2022. The new James Bond is announced!
Look forward to:
LIVE AND LET LIE
FOR YOUR LIES ONLY
THE LYING DAYLIGHTS
GOLDENLIE
TOMORROW NEVER LIES
LIE ANOTHER DAY
LIEFALL
NO TIME TO LIE
and of course
GOLDFIBBER (“Do you expect me to talk?” “No, Mr Johnson, I expect you to lie!”)
Now our fears that the next James Bond will be woke can be put to rest. Thank God!
Well, he's lied more than twice; he ain't no spy; his views are limited; and by now surely he's told enough of them.
Dr Fib ? From Russia with Lies ? Thunderbollox ? The Man with the Silver Tongue ? [bit of a stretch there] Fibraker ?
Should Bond be resurrected, the man even has young children.
😁😁😁 okay okay, @chrisno1 and @Gymkata , you win!
Give the man a break. Think back a year or so. The world has seen much worse liers.
Without him, British comedy would have to work a lot harder for material. In my defence, I don't use him a lot here and it would be odd for a Brit to make no jokes about our Government at all. It's almost a national sport.
Good points, and Boris clearly has the flexibility of a man without a spine. What I am saying this: There's an aniversary coming up shortly reminding us of bigger and more dangerous lies.
You're having fun and making good jokes and I shouldn't have tried to meddle, but as bad as Boris is I don't think he's a threath to democracy.
Please continue being silly! 😀
😂😂😂
you missed Quantum of Solies, not to mention Liemonds Are Forever...
He's back!
By demand all the way from Minnesota to England (though not Norway or Scotland) Boris returns as Bond in
DR. FIB
FROM RUSSIA WITH LIES
YOU ONLY LIE TWICE
LIEMONDS ARE FOREVER
THE MAN WITH THE SILVER TONGUE
THE SPY WHO LIED TO ME
FIBRAKER
A VIEW TO A FIB
LIECENCE TO KILL
THE LIES ARE NOT ENOUGH
And of course everyone's favourite
THUNDERBOLLOX ("What sharp little lies you've got")
Barbel denies all knowledge of the atrocious puns above. Well, most of them, anyhow.
I think you should grab that idea and run with it!
😁😁😁 That's a totally different look at things!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
That's brillant!
A street in London. Bond drives his car.
Bond: Hmm, I’m home so seldom that I can never remember which one is mine... Perhaps this one? It does look familiar.
(Bond parks his car and goes to a door marked "221B". A man with a moustache, carrying an old-fashioned doctor's bag, answers the door.)
Man: Yes?
Bond: I’m sorry, I thought that this was my house.
Man: No, I think that you’re-
2nd Man: Let me see, Watson.
(The first man groans slightly as a tall thin man smoking a pipe walks forward.)
2nd Man: I see from your clothing that you were once a sailor, but now work for, shall we say, an unspecified department in the Ministry of Defence. And your father was a Scot and your mother Swiss. Your car has been modified in unusual ways- an ejector seat, for example- and under your left arm is a holster holding a firearm, most probably made by the Walther company.
Bond: That’s true, but at the moment I’m looking for-
2nd Man: For breakfast you had scrambled eggs, and last night you had rather too many martinis, shaken but not stirred. Furthermore, you were with a woman in her early twenties with long red hair, an unusually long tongue, missing one of her stockings, about five foot five inches, with loose morals and a father complex. She enjoyed taking your-
Watson: Enough, Holmes. This man is merely seeking his house.
Holmes: Oh, right. Take the first on the right, then second left.
Bond: Thank you.
(Bond heads back to his car.)
Watson: (Voice fading as Bond leaves.) Really, Holmes, I wish you wouldn't do that.
Here are a couple of mine from 2020:
😂😂😂 love the second one!