Loving all these, including the Boris Johnson ones!
🤣🤣🤣
Let's not forget that the young Johnson is reported to have said he aspired to become "world king". That sounds to me more like the next supervillain than the next Bond!
Mister Bond:
Our House of Commons front benches are full of people who think they're Napoleon... or God. Or Churchill... or World King...
Mister Speaker:
Order! Order!
Mister Bond:
There's a useful four letter word, Mister Speaker... and the Right Honourable Member for Uxbridge and South Ruislip is full of it!
World King:
Come, come, Mister Speaker! The Right Honourable Member for Universal Exports enjoyed voting Leave as much as I did... so why doesn't he admit it?
Mister Speaker:
Order! ORDER!
Everybody:
Don't concern yourself with the pilot... one of our less useful Prime Ministers!
World King:
I'll buy you an oven-ready Brexit deal... in stainless steel!
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
As far as I know no Norwegians mind Boris jokes. In fact I know for certain one who very much enjoys Coke Zero and Bond (but not necceserily in that order, who laughs at them. I'm just puzzled why this forum accept jokes about BoJo being dishonest, but not jokes about the patron saint of lies accross the pond?
Mrs Fox: It’s nice to have you back home from India.
Fox: It’s nice to be back home. Still, it was worth being in that “Gandhi” film.
(The telephone rings.)
Mrs Fox: I’ll get it, darling.
(Answers phone.)
Mrs Fox: Hello? ….Yes, this is the Fox home…. Well, he’s not long back home, I don’t know if he’ll want to do another film already…. Of course, I’ll ask him, hold on.
Fox: What is it, my love?
Mrs Fox: It’s your agent. You’ve been asked to play “M” in the new James Bond film.
Fox: What? M? Oh yes of course, dear Bernard Lee has died. Tell him yes, I’d be delighted. Usual rates.
Mrs Fox: (On phone.) He says yes, he’ll be delighted…. Hold on… He wants to know if you want any more details, like where to go for shooting.
Fox: Details? Oh no, I’m sure that everything will be all right. They always film at Pinewood, I can get there easily.
Mrs Fox: You’ll be working with Sean Connery.
Fox: Of course, Sean and I know each other from “A Bridge Too Far”.
(Two weeks later, at the gates of Pinewood Studios. Edward Fox drives up.)
Fox: Good morning, my good man.
Guard: (Recognising him.) Good morning, Mr Fox, what can I do for you?
Fox: I’m in the new Bond film.
Guard: (Flicking through paperwork.) I don’t see your name here… but of course I know who you are. Park your car over there then go in through the double doors.
(Fox does that and walks in. He finds his way to the set for M’s office.)
Fox: This will be the place. Now…
(The door opens and Cubby Broccoli enters with Robert Brown.)
Broccoli: … and here is the office where you will be meeting 007 and- Edward Fox??? What are you doing here?
Fox: I’m the new M. I was told to report here.
Brown: What??? What??? I haven’t even done one scene yet and you’re replacing me, Cubby? What’s going on here?
Broccoli: I don’t know, yet.
(Roger Moore enters.)
Moore: Everything all right, chaps?
Fox: Roger Moore? What are you doing here?
Moore: Me? I’m Bond- James Bond.
Fox: I was told I’d be working with Sean Connery!
Broccoli: (Light dawning.) I think I see what’s happened here. Edward, you should be at Elstree Studios, not Pinewood.
Fox: What?
Broccoli: (Through gritted teeth.) There’s, er, another Bond film being shot there.
(Fox pulls some paperwork which he hasn’t previously examined out of his pocket.)
Fox: Ah…. You appear to be correct. My apologies, gentlemen.
(Fox makes for the door as Robert Brown’s heart rate slows perceptibly.)
The requirements are rough to meet, but I suspect there'll be many aplicants regardless. I even think one important skill or ability: every attractive woman who sees will be seduced by him.
1987. The fair in Vienna. At the end of the night, two of the workers are having a drink.
Claus: Prost, Hans.
Hans: Prost, Claus.
(They drink.)
Claus: So, how was your day?
Hans: Awful, simply terrible.
Claus: How so?
Hans: Some guy, I think he was English- black suit, bow tie- was at my shooting gallery with a beautiful blonde woman. He must have been a marksman, he hit all the targets. Won all the prizes. I had to ask him to stop!
Claus: Wow!
Hans: I had to give him the big yellow elephant!
Claus: Ah well, I must say my day was much worse than yours. We had the most terrible accident in my coffee shop.
Hans: What happened?
Claus: Something went horrifically wrong with the glass door- a man was killed when it slammed shut on him.
Hans: Nein!
Claus: Ja, and I think he was English too. Oddly enough, he was wearing a black suit with a bow tie, as well. In no time we were surrounded by police and embassy officials. The shop is closed and I don’t know when we can open again.
Hans: Dreadful! I think I’d better buy you another drink.
(They are joined by another man.)
Hans/Claus: Hello, Peter.
Peter: Hi, boys- drinks are on me!
Hans: What? Peter, you never buy the drinks!
Peter: Today I’m feeling generous. Some guy paid me 100 marks to make sure the big wheel stopped while he was at the top with a beautiful blonde lady.
Claus: Some guy?
Peter: Ja, I think he was English- black suit, bow tie. The lady was holding a big yellow elephant, just like the ones you, Hans, give away at your shooting gallery… why are you staring at me?
A few years ago, some of us began to wonder what James Bond would have been like if Shakespeare had been writing his stories. To cut a long story short, we did a Shakespearean version of all the films then carried on writing our own. You can find these here easily enough.
This is one of them, minus the Shakespeare. The original writers were Thunderpussy, Charmed & Dangerous, Number24 and myself.
M’s office. James Bond enters.
M: Over here, 007. Sit down.
Bond: (Looking around, puzzled.) Morning, sir, but... where is Miss Moneypenny? I was looking forward to some witty and not at all sexist banter before reporting to you.
M: Moneypenny has chosen to work from home at this time.
Bond: Working from home?
M: Indeed, and that is what I want to see you about. I have decided that you should do the same for the foreseeable future.
Bond: What? Me work from home?
M: That’s what I said. I shall arrange for a number of willing young ladies, at least one seemingly unbeatable henchman, and Q’s gadgets to be delivered to your address..
Bond: But, sir....
M: Oh, and of course a large supply of alcohol, but you will have to shake and not stir it yourself.
Bond: Of course, sir, if that’s what you want. I shall get to work straight away!
(Bond arrives at his place.)
Bond: Ah, here we are.
(He enters to a very bare apartment, containing only a bed and a bar.)
Bond: Home sweet home. I hardly ever live at home- sleeping there happens even more seldom.
(He kicks off his shoes, removes his jacket and heads to the bar.)
Bond: Now, let me see...? Oh yes- Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of-
(There is a knock at the door.)
Bond: (Aside.) Time for me to display my finely honed secret agent methods. (Aloud.) Who’s there?
Voice: Snow White.
Bond: With or without the dwarves?
Voice: Without.
(Bond opens the door, to reveal...)
Bond: Felix!
Felix: Hello, James.
Bond: Normally, I wouldst embrace you warmly-
Felix: (Ruefully.) Or punch me in my stomach.
Bond: -but not these days. Let’s do the new greeting!
Felix: But of course.
(Awkwardly they bump elbows. Then heels, followed by a knee bump and a medium headbutt.)
Bond: And what brings you here?
Felix: Ah, a matter of importance concerning a missing scientist. I need you to join me and leave immediately.
Bond: Unfortunately, M has ordered me to work from home until he says otherwise.
Felix: Surely you’re not serious?
Bond: I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.
Felix: Then I’ll have to go alone- farewell, James, I hope to see you soon.
Bond: Now, where was I...? Oh yes- Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of-
(There is another knock on the door.)
Bond: Oh, blast!
(Bond opens the door to find a figure with a mask covering the lower half of its face.)
Bond: Yes?
Figure: Mmmf knff ummf tmm thkkk.
Bond: What?
(The figure pulls down its facemask.)
Bill Tanner: Hello, 007, it’s me.
Bond: Tanner! What brings you here?
Tanner: Q sent me with this parcel. (Hands a parcel over.)
Bond: Ah, my new gun, no doubt.
Tanner: He has begun using a new word, which I’ve never heard before- "contagious". Could you explain that?
Bond: Well, this a new scientific word which means how a virus can spread across our realm.
Tanner: Most interesting... could you use the term " contagious " in a sentence for me?
Bond: Well, I did ask Q for this new gun and to comply with my request it took the "contagious"!
Tanner: Huh? Kva? Brukar me engelsk? Please explain it to me ….
Bond: (Impatiently.) It took the cu-
Tanner: Ah! I get it now, no need to tell me 24 times.
Bond: Also I'd like to point out it's a very, very, very old joke.
Tanner: Well, it’s new to me. Now, 007, I had best be on my way.
(Tanner makes his leave. Bond returns to the bar, again.)
Bond: I'll get this drink yet. Now, six measures of-
(There is yet another knock at the door.)
Bond: Who is it this time?
(Bond opens the door. An elderly lady appears and curtsies.)
Elderly Lady: Good morrow, s'.
Bond: Why, May, my elderly Scottish treasure! It’s good to see you finally appear in a story. Have you come to prepare me a nice breakfast, scrambled eggs from French Marans hens perhaps?
May: No, Mr James. I have come for my package- perhaps it was delivered earlier in this scene?
(Bond scrolls upward and checks.)
Bond: Yes, May, a parcel was delivered but I believe it’s from a colleague of mine. What are you waiting for?
(May seems somewhat crestfallen.)
May: A package from Amazon. It carries some tatties and neeps. A haggis. Some Mars bars in batter. And some alcohol for double-cleaning the hands after washing. They’d ran out of rolls of paper for the toile-
Bond: Alcohol you say? Kina Lillet? When finally, I can enjoy the Vesper I have been attempting to make all this scene, I'd like it dry.
May: I'm afraid not, s'.
(Bond sighs.)
Bond: It seems then, this is no time for dry.
May: Since I am here s', I might as well clean the place up and make you some food?
Bond: Why, of course May.
May: I’ll start in the kitchen.
Bond: (Puzzled.) Kitchen? I didn’t know we did have a kitchen! I know where the bed is and the bar, but… kitchen?
May:(Long suffering.) In the same place it has always been, s'. Perhaps I should make a small fry up?
Bond: No, May, this is no time to fry.
(Bond’s phone bleeps.)
Bond: A message from M- he says... "I thought I told you to stop doing that."
(Bond sighs loudly... )
May: No time to sigh, s' .... no comfort in a sigh.
Bond: Care to put that in a song?
May: I am not Shirley! Or even Billie Eilish.
Bond: We shall just have to survive.
May: I shalt get to work in the kitchen- through that door there.
(May goes through the door.)
Bond: Oh, is that what that door is for?
(After a few moments May returns and hands Bond a cup.)
May: Here, s’, some coffee while you wait.
Bond: Thanks, May.
(May returns to the kitchen. Bond takes a sip of the coffee then spits it out in confusion and horror.)
Bond: Sugar??? All these years May’s been making me coffee and she hands me one full of sugar???
(He goes into the kitchen to find two thugs, one with May in a neckhold.)
1st Thug: Take care, Mr Bond.
Bond: You had better hope that you haven’t hurt May!
2nd Thug: Oh? And what do you propose to do about it?
Bond: This.
(Like lightning Bond reaches for one of May's patented eggs, hard-boiled for thirty-five minutes exactly, and unerringly throws it into the First Thug's face. Writhing in agony, the First Thug lets go of May as the Second Thug makes to stab Bond who expertly dodges his thrust and goes to pull his gun. It is stuck, and he struggles to draw it free from the holster...)
Bond: Oh, shi-
(May kicks out at the First Thug's legs, sending him to the floor. Instantly, she leaps into the air and, seemingly in slow motion, thrusts both feet into the Second Thug's chest causing him to crash into the wall, dazed. She then picks up a pot and smashes it into the First Thug's skull rendering him unconsc... uncon.. knocked out.)
Bond: May! Have you had any special combat training?
May: No, I just do a little bouncer work at the weekends. And I used to be housekeeper to Liam Gallagher, this was a regular occurrence most weekends.
Bond: Now, where’s my phone? Ah, here it is.
(He begins to type a message.)
May: What are you doing, s’?
Bond: I’ve asked my boss to send some men round to pick up these thugs. Now that I know where the kitchen is, I don’t want to step over them every time I go in there.
May: Hmm, I doubt if that will be often.
Bond: Now, I do believe it is most definitely time for a drink! Three measures of-
(He opens the door to find a beautiful young lady, accompanied by four of M's men.)
Young Lady: Good evening, 007, we’ve been sent by M.
Bond: And very quickly, too.
Young Lady: We have received your message- this team will take those two away for questioning.
Bond: Most efficient.
(The thugs are dragged away.)
May: I think I shall go as well, s', all this excitement is just too much for me.
Bond: But of course. Thank you, May.
(May exits.)
Young Lady: I thought I should stay, in case you need help finding the... stationery.
May: (Walking away.) Stationery? He cannot even find the kitchen!
Young Lady: Whatever does she mean, 007?
Bond: Oh please call me James.
Young Lady: Of course... James. And I am Diane.
Bond: Diane what?
Diane: Otherday.
Bond:(Aghast.) Diane Otherday???
Diane: Yes, but please do not hold it against me.
Bond: That was not what I was thinking of holding against you...
Diane: That’s a very handsome watch you’re wearing.
Bond: Yes, it was made specially for me by Q- it’s really a CCTV.
Diane: Really? May I see?
(Bond shows her the watch.)
Bond: What can you see?
Diane: Why... (Reddening.) It shows me in your bed, murmuring "Oh James that was wonderful, do it again"!!!
Bond: Damn thing's fast again.
Diane: A bit like you, I think.
Bond: Those trousers are very tight. How do you get into them?
Diane: You could start by offering me a drink.
Bond: But of course- now, here is the gin, here is the vodka-
(There is a knock on the door.)
Bond: Not again!!! I'll get that drink yet.
(He opens the door to find Q, carrying a satchel..)
Q: Ah, there you are 007. I’m here to equip you for your mission.
Bond: (Looking longingly at both Diane and the bar.) Most efficient.
Q: Now pay attention, 007. Behold this most precious of all items! Sought by everyone, all over the world. See how it spins on my finger. Double-quilted, highly absorbent.
Diane: You don't mean...?
Bond: It can't be...?
Q: Yes! A toilet roll!!!
Diane: Don't suppose you have a packet of pasta as well, Q?
Bond: Well, since you’re here, Q, would you care for a drink?
Q: Well, it’s lovely to see you, 007. Lovely. May I have one proleptic digestive enzyme shake?
Bond:(Shaking his head.) I don’t think I have such a thing. Though I do have a toilet if you want to cut out the middleman.
Q: Well, what would you suggest?
Bond: I know just the thing...
(He turns to the bar.)
Bond: Now, let me see... Three measures of Gordon's gin, one measure of-
"use Contagious" in a sentence?!!? thatll make folks nostalgic for nice innocent Pussy jokes! speaking of whom, we havent had jokes like that for ages.
has the new film been properly Shakespeare-imified yet? that thread hasnt been bumped since long before EON's version was finally released.
I bet Shakespeare couldve written a better death scene, lots more staggering back and forth across the stage and speechifying while the blood gushes. and let the other corpses just pile up instead of disappearing with the scene changes.
@Barbel you can edit your own thread title cant you?
maybe add Containeth Ye Spoilers or such to the Shakespeare Work Area thread title, at least for the time being.
technically, if anybody's not contributing to the Script, they're reading Spoilers anyway because the finished Play is yet to be unveiled to the Audience
if @CoolHandBond of all people has not yet seen the film, thats good enough reason to continue with the spoiler tags. I'm sure he's not the only one, just the most prominent. and I realise I've been dropping references in threads I should not, I must be more careful
but CoolHand you're a regular member of Barbel's writing team! you may have to watch the dvd just so you can contribute to his latest Playe!
(The Italian town of Matera. James and Madeleine are talking in their room.)
James: So, why have you brought us here, Madeleine?
Madeleine: There’s an ancient custom here, to get rid of bad memories.
James: And you’ve brought me here to purge my memories of a woman I knew about fifteen years ago?
Madeleine: That’s about it.
James: Hmm… maybe, after you’ve told me your secret?
Madeleine: My secret?
James: Of course. Everyone has secrets; we just haven’t got to yours yet.
Madeleine: Well, all right then- I’m pregnant.
James: (Astonished.) What?? How???
Madeleine: Oh really, James, I would have thought that you of all people would know how.
James: This is wonderful- let’s get married right away!
Madeleine: You’re not angry?
James: Hell, no! Come on!
(James takes Madeleine to his Aston Martin below, whooping with joy. They set off, after he has caused the carriage to perform several doughnut-like circles in the street.)
Madeleine: But where will we live? I have a beautiful house in Norway.
James: I have a golden house in Jamaica.
Madeleine: Jamaica is warmer, let’s go there!
(Meanwhile, in a cemetery not far away, two men await impatiently, staring at their watches from time to time. One is young, barely more than a boy; the other has a false eye.)
Younger Man: I thought he should have been here by now.
Older Man: Yes, Blofeld definitely said so.
Younger Man: Oh, well….
A Mothercare shop. James and Madeleine look at some childrens clothing.
James: What about this one?
Madeleine: No, that’s bright blue. I feel this will be a girl.
James: Hmm, if you’re sure.
Madeleine: Oh look, James, this one is so pretty!
James: Yes, indeed… Would it perhaps be possible for me to wait for you in that bar across the street?
Madeleine: No!
James: Then maybe I can stand in the street outside and smoke a cigar whilst you select the clothes?
Madeleine: No, you’re going to stay with me,
James: (Grumbles.) If you say so.
(An attendant approaches.)
Attendant: May I be of service?
Madeleine: Most certainly.
James: Madeleine, please….?
Madeleine: No, James, stay here!
Attendant: James….? The tuxedo and bow tie? And in the street outside, that’s a silver Aston Martin DB5, isn’t it?
James: Yes, it is.
Attendant: Hmm, I had been wondering what you looked like.
Madeleine: Oh? How so?
Attendant: He’s been responsible for 50% of our turnover for the last 70 years….
😀 Not bad - though one consequent downer would be that we'd would have to be - dead. Was looking for a picture of the Frisco mayor in A View To A Kill to accompany that but couldn't find one on duckduckgo.
Or would we? Would Blofeld still be alive if Mads wasn't around to be his psychiatrist ? Would he then counter Safrin's plot? Oh, who cares.
A large expansive open air swimming pool somewhere in Mexico. Guests mingle. One of them is a man with a tuxedo, late 40s, limp dark hair, or is it swept back menacingly at this point? I can’t remember, it’s years since I watched it.
Evening. Late 1980s.
A waiter approaches the man in a tux. He carries a phone.
Waiter: Long distance call for you, sir.
Bond [for it is he]: Why, thank you. [Holds receiver].
M: Bond? Is that you?
Bond: 007 reporting for duty, sir.
M: We’ll be the judge of that.
Bond: What… did you say?
M: I mean, thank goodness for that!
Bond: Ah, I thought things were going to get nast-ay.
M: Get what?
Bond: Nast-ay.
M: Nast-ay? Oh, you mean nasty. [Sounds of muffled giggles] Yep. Right. Anyway, just touching base to see how you made out with that drug cartel business. Though we expect you’re now making out with some hot crumpet, giving it every which way until next Thursday. Is that what you’re up to?
Bond: [in that plummy mellifluous Welsh voice that always takes the unguarded Bond fan unawares] You really shouldn’t be asking questions like that! I am a trained Shakespearian actor! In works by the Bard we all know that such ribald entertainments are only enjoyed by the lower sections of society, like rats caught in a barrel ravening down their natural bane. Falstaff being one example, in Henry V Part 1 or was it part 2… I also like Beckett…
M: [Hastily] Yes, well, never mind about that. So unlike the ending of most adventures, you’re not getting your kit off this time?
Woman’s voice: Stuffed shirt? He couldn’t even take it off!
M: Shut up Kara!
Bond: Kara? Is that you? How’s the cello practise? It was exquisite.
M: [Hastily] Karla. Soviet informer. Third Man operative. Tinker, Tailor, Soldier thingy. We’re chatting.
Bond: Oh, I know him, we share the same plummy mellifluous tones. In fact, we compete annually in the ‘Most Shakespearian voice’ competition. Hang on, isn’t he working for the other side?
M: Well, no, the Cold War’s over Bond. Berlin Wall coming down and all that. I mean, any day now. Anyway, how’s Bob Leiter?
Bond: Not funny. Besides, he’s still got two arms.
M: Chuck him in the pool then. See if he floats.
Bond: I said, not funny.
M: Right. Just trying to inject a little humour. Anyway, you vanquished his foe, right? Sanchez. Did I get that right or is he the one who got sent one of our lads sent off in the England game?
Bond: No, got him. He’s a goner.
M: Ah, you gave him the red card. Did you release him from an air lock into outer space? Drop down a chimney stack? Did he fall from the Golden Gate Bridge? Or inflate like a fat knacker and burst on the ceiling?
Bond: Well, I set alight to him with a present from Felix.
M: Riiiiiight.
Bond: I mean, with his cigarette lighter. It had his name engraved on it.
M: Were you ill-tempered?
Bond: Very.
M: Oh, now I geddit! Leiter - lighter. Shouldn’t take anyone 30 years to figure that out.
Napoleon Plural, on drinks duty: Figure what out?
M: But you sent him off with a quip, I take it? Along the lines of ‘Time to look on the lighter side of life…’ Or, ‘This will burn a hole in your pocket!’ Or, ‘Fancy a smoke!’
Bond: Well, no. I just said ‘Do you want to know why?
M: Not funny.
Bond: Well, I’m sorry, but it’s not meant to be funny. This comes at the end of sustained intense drama. Ian Fleming wrote adult novels for grown-ups, not kids and…
M: Well, never mind that. In any case, Q will want his car back.
Bond: That may prove tricky.
M: Oh, don’t tell me. [Excitedly] Written off in a helicopter gun battle. At the bottom of the Florida Keys? Or self-destructed to not fall into enemy hands?
Bond: Not really. I didn’t get a car this time. Q didn’t give me one.
M: Rubbish! I know he was working on one. He sent it out to you..
Bond: Well, I never saw it. I went to Florida, and all my quatermaster gave me was this station wagon. Anyway, sir, with respect, I’d like to know when I’ll be appearing in our next exciting, glamorous, gadget-riddled globe-trotting adventure.
M: Yes. Well about that. I'll hand it over to 008. He knows how to have a damned good time with jokes and women, gadgets and flash cars. I think it might be best if you go on an extended leave .In fact, you and Felix, it seems.
Bond: Oh, have you been in touch? Haven’t bothered myself over the last few weeks. How’s he doing in the service?
M: He’s not. The FBI won’t have cripples working for them! What do you think this is, Ironside? Can you imagine if Elliot Carver, with his karate moves, were to challenge him to an arse-kicking contest? No good would come of it. We’ve got a fellow called Jack Wade lined up. American. Did work in Tangiers, I’ve heard. Looks familiar.
Bond: Leiter will be back.
M: Black? Well, he’s got one leg. I know the FBI are all about equal opportunity box ticking so you never know.
Bond: But I can’t go on personal leave. This time it’s not personal. I have no Blofeld, nor Scaramanga nor Sanchez in my sights.
M: Well, bloody find one then. You're not getting another assignment out of me. You’re forgetting the first rule of mass media!
Bond: Which is?
M: Always give the public what they want.
Bond: I’ll have to use that line myself!
M: You won’t. I’m taking my own advice. You’re fired. [Hangs up]
Q: [to Pam Bouvier] My dear, don’t be too hard on him. Would you like a spin in my car?
Pam: Is it a station wagon?
Q: Station wagon? Not likely! Back at the lab we call it a ‘pussy wagon!’ I’ve got a number of optional extras installed… [He gestures towards a flash Aston Martin, appropriated from the MI6 car pool]
Pam: Meow!
Bond: To be or not to be…
Q; Not to be, it turns out.
Bond: You better not snore, Q!
Pam: [lasciviously] Oh, he won’t be sleeping. I’ll make sure of that.
Both turn and walk away, the sound of Q’s voice saying ‘My dear I have devised a special vibrating sex toy that I’m particularly proud of…’ just heard above the throng.
Bond turns to see if Lupe is around, but she’s copped off with a fat corrupt South African dictator, implying that she’s basically a prostitute. Happy days.
Bond: Guess I’ll be catching the night bus home.
The camera closes in on an ornate winking fish. It suddenly busts into ‘Don’t Worry Be Happy…’
Comments
Loving all these, including the Boris Johnson ones!
🤣🤣🤣
Let's not forget that the young Johnson is reported to have said he aspired to become "world king". That sounds to me more like the next supervillain than the next Bond!
Mister Bond:
Our House of Commons front benches are full of people who think they're Napoleon... or God. Or Churchill... or World King...
Mister Speaker:
Order! Order!
Mister Bond:
There's a useful four letter word, Mister Speaker... and the Right Honourable Member for Uxbridge and South Ruislip is full of it!
World King:
Come, come, Mister Speaker! The Right Honourable Member for Universal Exports enjoyed voting Leave as much as I did... so why doesn't he admit it?
Mister Speaker:
Order! ORDER!
Everybody:
Don't concern yourself with the pilot... one of our less useful Prime Ministers!
World King:
I'll buy you an oven-ready Brexit deal... in stainless steel!
As far as I know no Norwegians mind Boris jokes. In fact I know for certain one who very much enjoys Coke Zero and Bond (but not necceserily in that order, who laughs at them. I'm just puzzled why this forum accept jokes about BoJo being dishonest, but not jokes about the patron saint of lies accross the pond?
I've sent a PM.
2021 (Eventually). Madeleine’s place. Mathilde enters the bedroom to find Madeleine and James in bed together.
Mathilde: (Wide eyed.) J’ai faim.
James: Oh right. Of course.
(He gets out of bed and starts toward the kitchen.)
James: Let’s see what we can do about that.
Mathilde: Okay.
(She takes his hand as they walk. James at first looks uncomfortable, then starts to smile as they enter the kitchen.)
James: Right, let’s see…. bacon?
(Mathilde smiles as he opens the fridge.)
James: Ah… Perhaps not. Eggs! I know a very good recipe for scrambled eggs. I... er... read it in a book once.
(He looks around in vain for eggs. Mathilde giggles.)
James: Well, not eggs then. Cornflakes?
(He opens a cupboard.)
James: Ah…
(Madeleine enters the kitchen.)
Madeleine: Having a problem, James?
James: No, I….
Madeleine: We’re vegans. Give her an apple.
James: An apple. Of course.
(He produces a knife and begins to peel the apple...)
(Father and grandfather of vegans Barbel)
🙂🙂🙂
Those dietary requirements are a shame because, as any fan of AVTAK will know, Bond can whip up a mean quiche!
1983. The household of Edward Fox.
Mrs Fox: Another cup of tea, Edward?
Fox: Oh, by all means, my dear.
Mrs Fox: It’s nice to have you back home from India.
Fox: It’s nice to be back home. Still, it was worth being in that “Gandhi” film.
(The telephone rings.)
Mrs Fox: I’ll get it, darling.
(Answers phone.)
Mrs Fox: Hello? ….Yes, this is the Fox home…. Well, he’s not long back home, I don’t know if he’ll want to do another film already…. Of course, I’ll ask him, hold on.
Fox: What is it, my love?
Mrs Fox: It’s your agent. You’ve been asked to play “M” in the new James Bond film.
Fox: What? M? Oh yes of course, dear Bernard Lee has died. Tell him yes, I’d be delighted. Usual rates.
Mrs Fox: (On phone.) He says yes, he’ll be delighted…. Hold on… He wants to know if you want any more details, like where to go for shooting.
Fox: Details? Oh no, I’m sure that everything will be all right. They always film at Pinewood, I can get there easily.
Mrs Fox: You’ll be working with Sean Connery.
Fox: Of course, Sean and I know each other from “A Bridge Too Far”.
(Two weeks later, at the gates of Pinewood Studios. Edward Fox drives up.)
Fox: Good morning, my good man.
Guard: (Recognising him.) Good morning, Mr Fox, what can I do for you?
Fox: I’m in the new Bond film.
Guard: (Flicking through paperwork.) I don’t see your name here… but of course I know who you are. Park your car over there then go in through the double doors.
(Fox does that and walks in. He finds his way to the set for M’s office.)
Fox: This will be the place. Now…
(The door opens and Cubby Broccoli enters with Robert Brown.)
Broccoli: … and here is the office where you will be meeting 007 and- Edward Fox??? What are you doing here?
Fox: I’m the new M. I was told to report here.
Brown: What??? What??? I haven’t even done one scene yet and you’re replacing me, Cubby? What’s going on here?
Broccoli: I don’t know, yet.
(Roger Moore enters.)
Moore: Everything all right, chaps?
Fox: Roger Moore? What are you doing here?
Moore: Me? I’m Bond- James Bond.
Fox: I was told I’d be working with Sean Connery!
Broccoli: (Light dawning.) I think I see what’s happened here. Edward, you should be at Elstree Studios, not Pinewood.
Fox: What?
Broccoli: (Through gritted teeth.) There’s, er, another Bond film being shot there.
(Fox pulls some paperwork which he hasn’t previously examined out of his pocket.)
Fox: Ah…. You appear to be correct. My apologies, gentlemen.
(Fox makes for the door as Robert Brown’s heart rate slows perceptibly.)
Broccoli: No problem.
Moore: Say hello to Sean from us.
(Broccoli growls.)
Moore: All right, say hello from me, then.
2018 or so. Eon HQ, in a chalet in Norway. Christoph Waltz meets with Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli.
MGW: Glad you could make it, Christoph.
Christoph: Glad to be here, Michael.
BB: Now, as you know we’re getting around to making the next James Bond movie.
Christoph: Yes, I was expecting that.
MGW: And we’d like you to return as Blofeld.
Christoph: I thought there was a reason you didn’t kill him off at the end of the last one.
BB: Indeed. We’re thinking about making the next one end close to the ending of Fleming’s “You Only Live Twice”.
Christoph: Excellent! I’ve read that book. Will you have the garden of death?
MGW: Well, we’re calling it the “poison garden” but you’re close enough.
Chirstoph: And it’s in Japan?
BB: Well, an island off Japan.
Christoph: Close enough. I’m looking forward to playing Blofeld as quite mad, wearing a Japanese outfit, trying to kill Bond with a Japanese sword.
MGW: Ah…
BB: Well…
Christoph: What? What’s the problem?
MGW: Christoph, there’ll be a new younger villain on the island. Blofeld has one scene in the prison he ended up in at the end of the last movie.
Christoph: What???
BB: (Quickly.) But it’s a good scene, Christoph- you get some great dialogue before Bond kills you.
Christoph: Excuse me?
MGW: You die in the prison scene.
Christoph: I get one scene during which I die?
BB: Yes, that’s it.
Christoph: Well, I don’t know…
MGW: If you take the trouble to examine your contract, you’ll notice that you’re committed to do any sequel we come up with.
Christoph: You inglourious basterds!
Spotted recently in the "Situations Vacant" column.
The requirements are rough to meet, but I suspect there'll be many aplicants regardless. I even think one important skill or ability: every attractive woman who sees will be seduced by him.
1987. The fair in Vienna. At the end of the night, two of the workers are having a drink.
Claus: Prost, Hans.
Hans: Prost, Claus.
(They drink.)
Claus: So, how was your day?
Hans: Awful, simply terrible.
Claus: How so?
Hans: Some guy, I think he was English- black suit, bow tie- was at my shooting gallery with a beautiful blonde woman. He must have been a marksman, he hit all the targets. Won all the prizes. I had to ask him to stop!
Claus: Wow!
Hans: I had to give him the big yellow elephant!
Claus: Ah well, I must say my day was much worse than yours. We had the most terrible accident in my coffee shop.
Hans: What happened?
Claus: Something went horrifically wrong with the glass door- a man was killed when it slammed shut on him.
Hans: Nein!
Claus: Ja, and I think he was English too. Oddly enough, he was wearing a black suit with a bow tie, as well. In no time we were surrounded by police and embassy officials. The shop is closed and I don’t know when we can open again.
Hans: Dreadful! I think I’d better buy you another drink.
(They are joined by another man.)
Hans/Claus: Hello, Peter.
Peter: Hi, boys- drinks are on me!
Hans: What? Peter, you never buy the drinks!
Peter: Today I’m feeling generous. Some guy paid me 100 marks to make sure the big wheel stopped while he was at the top with a beautiful blonde lady.
Claus: Some guy?
Peter: Ja, I think he was English- black suit, bow tie. The lady was holding a big yellow elephant, just like the ones you, Hans, give away at your shooting gallery… why are you staring at me?
Excellent, Barbel, I particularly liked the situations vacant advertisement 😂
Thanks, CHB. 😃
Great stuff Barbel. I can actually see them having that conversation!😄
Much appreciated, TRK. 😃
Hey Gymkata, been hanging about with Higgins? Say hello from me!
A few years ago, some of us began to wonder what James Bond would have been like if Shakespeare had been writing his stories. To cut a long story short, we did a Shakespearean version of all the films then carried on writing our own. You can find these here easily enough.
This is one of them, minus the Shakespeare. The original writers were Thunderpussy, Charmed & Dangerous, Number24 and myself.
M’s office. James Bond enters.
M: Over here, 007. Sit down.
Bond: (Looking around, puzzled.) Morning, sir, but... where is Miss Moneypenny? I was looking forward to some witty and not at all sexist banter before reporting to you.
M: Moneypenny has chosen to work from home at this time.
Bond: Working from home?
M: Indeed, and that is what I want to see you about. I have decided that you should do the same for the foreseeable future.
Bond: What? Me work from home?
M: That’s what I said. I shall arrange for a number of willing young ladies, at least one seemingly unbeatable henchman, and Q’s gadgets to be delivered to your address..
Bond: But, sir....
M: Oh, and of course a large supply of alcohol, but you will have to shake and not stir it yourself.
Bond: Of course, sir, if that’s what you want. I shall get to work straight away!
(Bond arrives at his place.)
Bond: Ah, here we are.
(He enters to a very bare apartment, containing only a bed and a bar.)
Bond: Home sweet home. I hardly ever live at home- sleeping there happens even more seldom.
(He kicks off his shoes, removes his jacket and heads to the bar.)
Bond: Now, let me see...? Oh yes- Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of-
(There is a knock at the door.)
Bond: (Aside.) Time for me to display my finely honed secret agent methods. (Aloud.) Who’s there?
Voice: Snow White.
Bond: With or without the dwarves?
Voice: Without.
(Bond opens the door, to reveal...)
Bond: Felix!
Felix: Hello, James.
Bond: Normally, I wouldst embrace you warmly-
Felix: (Ruefully.) Or punch me in my stomach.
Bond: -but not these days. Let’s do the new greeting!
Felix: But of course.
(Awkwardly they bump elbows. Then heels, followed by a knee bump and a medium headbutt.)
Bond: And what brings you here?
Felix: Ah, a matter of importance concerning a missing scientist. I need you to join me and leave immediately.
Bond: Unfortunately, M has ordered me to work from home until he says otherwise.
Felix: Surely you’re not serious?
Bond: I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.
Felix: Then I’ll have to go alone- farewell, James, I hope to see you soon.
(Felix makes his leave. Bond returns to the bar.)
Part 2
Bond: Now, where was I...? Oh yes- Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of-
(There is another knock on the door.)
Bond: Oh, blast!
(Bond opens the door to find a figure with a mask covering the lower half of its face.)
Bond: Yes?
Figure: Mmmf knff ummf tmm thkkk.
Bond: What?
(The figure pulls down its facemask.)
Bill Tanner: Hello, 007, it’s me.
Bond: Tanner! What brings you here?
Tanner: Q sent me with this parcel. (Hands a parcel over.)
Bond: Ah, my new gun, no doubt.
Tanner: He has begun using a new word, which I’ve never heard before- "contagious". Could you explain that?
Bond: Well, this a new scientific word which means how a virus can spread across our realm.
Tanner: Most interesting... could you use the term " contagious " in a sentence for me?
Bond: Well, I did ask Q for this new gun and to comply with my request it took the "contagious"!
Tanner: Huh? Kva? Brukar me engelsk? Please explain it to me ….
Bond: (Impatiently.) It took the cu-
Tanner: Ah! I get it now, no need to tell me 24 times.
Bond: Also I'd like to point out it's a very, very, very old joke.
Tanner: Well, it’s new to me. Now, 007, I had best be on my way.
(Tanner makes his leave. Bond returns to the bar, again.)
Bond: I'll get this drink yet. Now, six measures of-
(There is yet another knock at the door.)
Bond: Who is it this time?
(Bond opens the door. An elderly lady appears and curtsies.)
Elderly Lady: Good morrow, s'.
Bond: Why, May, my elderly Scottish treasure! It’s good to see you finally appear in a story. Have you come to prepare me a nice breakfast, scrambled eggs from French Marans hens perhaps?
May: No, Mr James. I have come for my package- perhaps it was delivered earlier in this scene?
(Bond scrolls upward and checks.)
Bond: Yes, May, a parcel was delivered but I believe it’s from a colleague of mine. What are you waiting for?
(May seems somewhat crestfallen.)
May: A package from Amazon. It carries some tatties and neeps. A haggis. Some Mars bars in batter. And some alcohol for double-cleaning the hands after washing. They’d ran out of rolls of paper for the toile-
Bond: Alcohol you say? Kina Lillet? When finally, I can enjoy the Vesper I have been attempting to make all this scene, I'd like it dry.
May: I'm afraid not, s'.
(Bond sighs.)
Bond: It seems then, this is no time for dry.
May: Since I am here s', I might as well clean the place up and make you some food?
Bond: Why, of course May.
May: I’ll start in the kitchen.
Bond: (Puzzled.) Kitchen? I didn’t know we did have a kitchen! I know where the bed is and the bar, but… kitchen?
May: (Long suffering.) In the same place it has always been, s'. Perhaps I should make a small fry up?
Bond: No, May, this is no time to fry.
(Bond’s phone bleeps.)
Bond: A message from M- he says... "I thought I told you to stop doing that."
(Bond sighs loudly... )
May: No time to sigh, s' .... no comfort in a sigh.
Bond: Care to put that in a song?
May: I am not Shirley! Or even Billie Eilish.
Bond: We shall just have to survive.
May: I shalt get to work in the kitchen- through that door there.
(May goes through the door.)
Bond: Oh, is that what that door is for?
(After a few moments May returns and hands Bond a cup.)
May: Here, s’, some coffee while you wait.
Bond: Thanks, May.
(May returns to the kitchen. Bond takes a sip of the coffee then spits it out in confusion and horror.)
Bond: Sugar??? All these years May’s been making me coffee and she hands me one full of sugar???
(He goes into the kitchen to find two thugs, one with May in a neckhold.)
1st Thug: Take care, Mr Bond.
Bond: You had better hope that you haven’t hurt May!
2nd Thug: Oh? And what do you propose to do about it?
Bond: This.
(Like lightning Bond reaches for one of May's patented eggs, hard-boiled for thirty-five minutes exactly, and unerringly throws it into the First Thug's face. Writhing in agony, the First Thug lets go of May as the Second Thug makes to stab Bond who expertly dodges his thrust and goes to pull his gun. It is stuck, and he struggles to draw it free from the holster...)
Bond: Oh, shi-
(May kicks out at the First Thug's legs, sending him to the floor. Instantly, she leaps into the air and, seemingly in slow motion, thrusts both feet into the Second Thug's chest causing him to crash into the wall, dazed. She then picks up a pot and smashes it into the First Thug's skull rendering him unconsc... uncon.. knocked out.)
Bond: May! Have you had any special combat training?
May: No, I just do a little bouncer work at the weekends. And I used to be housekeeper to Liam Gallagher, this was a regular occurrence most weekends.
Bond: Now, where’s my phone? Ah, here it is.
(He begins to type a message.)
May: What are you doing, s’?
Bond: I’ve asked my boss to send some men round to pick up these thugs. Now that I know where the kitchen is, I don’t want to step over them every time I go in there.
May: Hmm, I doubt if that will be often.
Bond: Now, I do believe it is most definitely time for a drink! Three measures of-
(There is a knock on the door.)
Bond: That was fast!
Part 3
(He opens the door to find a beautiful young lady, accompanied by four of M's men.)
Young Lady: Good evening, 007, we’ve been sent by M.
Bond: And very quickly, too.
Young Lady: We have received your message- this team will take those two away for questioning.
Bond: Most efficient.
(The thugs are dragged away.)
May: I think I shall go as well, s', all this excitement is just too much for me.
Bond: But of course. Thank you, May.
(May exits.)
Young Lady: I thought I should stay, in case you need help finding the... stationery.
May: (Walking away.) Stationery? He cannot even find the kitchen!
Young Lady: Whatever does she mean, 007?
Bond: Oh please call me James.
Young Lady: Of course... James. And I am Diane.
Bond: Diane what?
Diane: Otherday.
Bond: (Aghast.) Diane Otherday???
Diane: Yes, but please do not hold it against me.
Bond: That was not what I was thinking of holding against you...
Diane: That’s a very handsome watch you’re wearing.
Bond: Yes, it was made specially for me by Q- it’s really a CCTV.
Diane: Really? May I see?
(Bond shows her the watch.)
Bond: What can you see?
Diane: Why... (Reddening.) It shows me in your bed, murmuring "Oh James that was wonderful, do it again"!!!
Bond: Damn thing's fast again.
Diane: A bit like you, I think.
Bond: Those trousers are very tight. How do you get into them?
Diane: You could start by offering me a drink.
Bond: But of course- now, here is the gin, here is the vodka-
(There is a knock on the door.)
Bond: Not again!!! I'll get that drink yet.
(He opens the door to find Q, carrying a satchel..)
Q: Ah, there you are 007. I’m here to equip you for your mission.
Bond: (Looking longingly at both Diane and the bar.) Most efficient.
Q: Now pay attention, 007. Behold this most precious of all items! Sought by everyone, all over the world. See how it spins on my finger. Double-quilted, highly absorbent.
Diane: You don't mean...?
Bond: It can't be...?
Q: Yes! A toilet roll!!!
Diane: Don't suppose you have a packet of pasta as well, Q?
Bond: Well, since you’re here, Q, would you care for a drink?
Q: Well, it’s lovely to see you, 007. Lovely. May I have one proleptic digestive enzyme shake?
Bond: (Shaking his head.) I don’t think I have such a thing. Though I do have a toilet if you want to cut out the middleman.
Q: Well, what would you suggest?
Bond: I know just the thing...
(He turns to the bar.)
Bond: Now, let me see... Three measures of Gordon's gin, one measure of-
"use Contagious" in a sentence?!!? thatll make folks nostalgic for nice innocent Pussy jokes! speaking of whom, we havent had jokes like that for ages.
has the new film been properly Shakespeare-imified yet? that thread hasnt been bumped since long before EON's version was finally released.
I bet Shakespeare couldve written a better death scene, lots more staggering back and forth across the stage and speechifying while the blood gushes. and let the other corpses just pile up instead of disappearing with the scene changes.
There's been some talk behind the scenes, but my thought is that it would require too many spoiler notices to be practical.
All right then! 😃
Will get started in the Shakespeare work area thread later today... Unless someone beats me to it.
Anyone is encouraged to chip in, and just write in plain English (I'll do the fakespeare afterwards) unless you want to.
To spoiler tag, or not to spoiler tag, that is no longer the question.
And so it begins... again.
We're starting in this thread Shakespeare's Bond: Work area (All welcome!) — ajb007
@Barbel you can edit your own thread title cant you?
maybe add Containeth Ye Spoilers or such to the Shakespeare Work Area thread title, at least for the time being.
technically, if anybody's not contributing to the Script, they're reading Spoilers anyway because the finished Play is yet to be unveiled to the Audience
@caractacus potts I can edit anyone's thread title! 😁
Okay, I'll add something as you suggest.
Give me a staff of honour for mine age, but not a sceptre (spectre???) to control the world 😉
I still haven’t seen NTTD, but I really don’t care about spoiler alerts any more, most of them are out in the open now.
if @CoolHandBond of all people has not yet seen the film, thats good enough reason to continue with the spoiler tags. I'm sure he's not the only one, just the most prominent. and I realise I've been dropping references in threads I should not, I must be more careful
but CoolHand you're a regular member of Barbel's writing team! you may have to watch the dvd just so you can contribute to his latest Playe!
Potential Spoilers!
The short version:
(The Italian town of Matera. James and Madeleine are talking in their room.)
James: So, why have you brought us here, Madeleine?
Madeleine: There’s an ancient custom here, to get rid of bad memories.
James: And you’ve brought me here to purge my memories of a woman I knew about fifteen years ago?
Madeleine: That’s about it.
James: Hmm… maybe, after you’ve told me your secret?
Madeleine: My secret?
James: Of course. Everyone has secrets; we just haven’t got to yours yet.
Madeleine: Well, all right then- I’m pregnant.
James: (Astonished.) What?? How???
Madeleine: Oh really, James, I would have thought that you of all people would know how.
James: This is wonderful- let’s get married right away!
Madeleine: You’re not angry?
James: Hell, no! Come on!
(James takes Madeleine to his Aston Martin below, whooping with joy. They set off, after he has caused the carriage to perform several doughnut-like circles in the street.)
Madeleine: But where will we live? I have a beautiful house in Norway.
James: I have a golden house in Jamaica.
Madeleine: Jamaica is warmer, let’s go there!
(Meanwhile, in a cemetery not far away, two men await impatiently, staring at their watches from time to time. One is young, barely more than a boy; the other has a false eye.)
Younger Man: I thought he should have been here by now.
Older Man: Yes, Blofeld definitely said so.
Younger Man: Oh, well….
A Mothercare shop. James and Madeleine look at some childrens clothing.
James: What about this one?
Madeleine: No, that’s bright blue. I feel this will be a girl.
James: Hmm, if you’re sure.
Madeleine: Oh look, James, this one is so pretty!
James: Yes, indeed… Would it perhaps be possible for me to wait for you in that bar across the street?
Madeleine: No!
James: Then maybe I can stand in the street outside and smoke a cigar whilst you select the clothes?
Madeleine: No, you’re going to stay with me,
James: (Grumbles.) If you say so.
(An attendant approaches.)
Attendant: May I be of service?
Madeleine: Most certainly.
James: Madeleine, please….?
Madeleine: No, James, stay here!
Attendant: James….? The tuxedo and bow tie? And in the street outside, that’s a silver Aston Martin DB5, isn’t it?
James: Yes, it is.
Attendant: Hmm, I had been wondering what you looked like.
Madeleine: Oh? How so?
Attendant: He’s been responsible for 50% of our turnover for the last 70 years….
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intermission. A young singer comes on and mumbles some words.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Five Years Later
(The residence in Jamaica which James spoke of. He returns from fishing, and inspects the remains of a cigar which he finds.)
James: Hmm, “Delectados”? I believe that they are particularly hazardous to one’s health.
Voice From Behind: And so are you, my friend.
James: (Turning.) Felix! It’s been too long!
Felix: That it has. I’ve come to ask for your help with a mission I’m on.
James: A mission?
Felix: A scientist has gone missing, and we must find him.
James: “We”? I am enjoying my retirement, Felix.
Felix: I can’t persuade you?
James: Look behind you.
(Felix turns, to see a girl of perhaps four years and another of maybe two.)
James: This is my… family. That’s Mathilde, and her young sister Monique.
Felix: Ah…. Hello.
(Madeleine enters, clearly about six months with child.)
James: And my wife, Madeleine.
Felix: I see your retirement has been, shall we say, productive?
James: Indeed. And I shall be staying here to continue doing the same.
Felix: I believe I cannot persuade you otherwise. Farewell, James.
James: Farewell, Felix.
THE END
JAMES BOND WILL RETURN
😀 Not bad - though one consequent downer would be that we'd would have to be - dead. Was looking for a picture of the Frisco mayor in A View To A Kill to accompany that but couldn't find one on duckduckgo.
Or would we? Would Blofeld still be alive if Mads wasn't around to be his psychiatrist ? Would he then counter Safrin's plot? Oh, who cares.
Roger Moore 1927-2017
A large expansive open air swimming pool somewhere in Mexico. Guests mingle. One of them is a man with a tuxedo, late 40s, limp dark hair, or is it swept back menacingly at this point? I can’t remember, it’s years since I watched it.
Evening. Late 1980s.
A waiter approaches the man in a tux. He carries a phone.
Waiter: Long distance call for you, sir.
Bond [for it is he]: Why, thank you. [Holds receiver].
M: Bond? Is that you?
Bond: 007 reporting for duty, sir.
M: We’ll be the judge of that.
Bond: What… did you say?
M: I mean, thank goodness for that!
Bond: Ah, I thought things were going to get nast-ay.
M: Get what?
Bond: Nast-ay.
M: Nast-ay? Oh, you mean nasty. [Sounds of muffled giggles] Yep. Right. Anyway, just touching base to see how you made out with that drug cartel business. Though we expect you’re now making out with some hot crumpet, giving it every which way until next Thursday. Is that what you’re up to?
Bond: [in that plummy mellifluous Welsh voice that always takes the unguarded Bond fan unawares] You really shouldn’t be asking questions like that! I am a trained Shakespearian actor! In works by the Bard we all know that such ribald entertainments are only enjoyed by the lower sections of society, like rats caught in a barrel ravening down their natural bane. Falstaff being one example, in Henry V Part 1 or was it part 2… I also like Beckett…
M: [Hastily] Yes, well, never mind about that. So unlike the ending of most adventures, you’re not getting your kit off this time?
Woman’s voice: Stuffed shirt? He couldn’t even take it off!
M: Shut up Kara!
Bond: Kara? Is that you? How’s the cello practise? It was exquisite.
M: [Hastily] Karla. Soviet informer. Third Man operative. Tinker, Tailor, Soldier thingy. We’re chatting.
Bond: Oh, I know him, we share the same plummy mellifluous tones. In fact, we compete annually in the ‘Most Shakespearian voice’ competition. Hang on, isn’t he working for the other side?
M: Well, no, the Cold War’s over Bond. Berlin Wall coming down and all that. I mean, any day now. Anyway, how’s Bob Leiter?
Bond: Not funny. Besides, he’s still got two arms.
M: Chuck him in the pool then. See if he floats.
Bond: I said, not funny.
M: Right. Just trying to inject a little humour. Anyway, you vanquished his foe, right? Sanchez. Did I get that right or is he the one who got sent one of our lads sent off in the England game?
Bond: No, got him. He’s a goner.
M: Ah, you gave him the red card. Did you release him from an air lock into outer space? Drop down a chimney stack? Did he fall from the Golden Gate Bridge? Or inflate like a fat knacker and burst on the ceiling?
Bond: Well, I set alight to him with a present from Felix.
M: Riiiiiight.
Bond: I mean, with his cigarette lighter. It had his name engraved on it.
M: Were you ill-tempered?
Bond: Very.
M: Oh, now I geddit! Leiter - lighter. Shouldn’t take anyone 30 years to figure that out.
Napoleon Plural, on drinks duty: Figure what out?
M: But you sent him off with a quip, I take it? Along the lines of ‘Time to look on the lighter side of life…’ Or, ‘This will burn a hole in your pocket!’ Or, ‘Fancy a smoke!’
Bond: Well, no. I just said ‘Do you want to know why?
M: Not funny.
Bond: Well, I’m sorry, but it’s not meant to be funny. This comes at the end of sustained intense drama. Ian Fleming wrote adult novels for grown-ups, not kids and…
M: Well, never mind that. In any case, Q will want his car back.
Bond: That may prove tricky.
M: Oh, don’t tell me. [Excitedly] Written off in a helicopter gun battle. At the bottom of the Florida Keys? Or self-destructed to not fall into enemy hands?
Bond: Not really. I didn’t get a car this time. Q didn’t give me one.
M: Rubbish! I know he was working on one. He sent it out to you..
Bond: Well, I never saw it. I went to Florida, and all my quatermaster gave me was this station wagon. Anyway, sir, with respect, I’d like to know when I’ll be appearing in our next exciting, glamorous, gadget-riddled globe-trotting adventure.
M: Yes. Well about that. I'll hand it over to 008. He knows how to have a damned good time with jokes and women, gadgets and flash cars. I think it might be best if you go on an extended leave .In fact, you and Felix, it seems.
Bond: Oh, have you been in touch? Haven’t bothered myself over the last few weeks. How’s he doing in the service?
M: He’s not. The FBI won’t have cripples working for them! What do you think this is, Ironside? Can you imagine if Elliot Carver, with his karate moves, were to challenge him to an arse-kicking contest? No good would come of it. We’ve got a fellow called Jack Wade lined up. American. Did work in Tangiers, I’ve heard. Looks familiar.
Bond: Leiter will be back.
M: Black? Well, he’s got one leg. I know the FBI are all about equal opportunity box ticking so you never know.
Bond: But I can’t go on personal leave. This time it’s not personal. I have no Blofeld, nor Scaramanga nor Sanchez in my sights.
M: Well, bloody find one then. You're not getting another assignment out of me. You’re forgetting the first rule of mass media!
Bond: Which is?
M: Always give the public what they want.
Bond: I’ll have to use that line myself!
M: You won’t. I’m taking my own advice. You’re fired. [Hangs up]
Q: [to Pam Bouvier] My dear, don’t be too hard on him. Would you like a spin in my car?
Pam: Is it a station wagon?
Q: Station wagon? Not likely! Back at the lab we call it a ‘pussy wagon!’ I’ve got a number of optional extras installed… [He gestures towards a flash Aston Martin, appropriated from the MI6 car pool]
Pam: Meow!
Bond: To be or not to be…
Q; Not to be, it turns out.
Bond: You better not snore, Q!
Pam: [lasciviously] Oh, he won’t be sleeping. I’ll make sure of that.
Both turn and walk away, the sound of Q’s voice saying ‘My dear I have devised a special vibrating sex toy that I’m particularly proud of…’ just heard above the throng.
Bond turns to see if Lupe is around, but she’s copped off with a fat corrupt South African dictator, implying that she’s basically a prostitute. Happy days.
Bond: Guess I’ll be catching the night bus home.
The camera closes in on an ornate winking fish. It suddenly busts into ‘Don’t Worry Be Happy…’
Bond: Piss off…
Roger Moore 1927-2017