And while the dialogue above is obviously imaginary, he very much disliked the way his character died. "It was laughable. I tried to persuade the producers to consider doing it again".
Police are investigating an apparent case of murder in Istanbul. A man’s body was found below a poster for a current film, with a rope ladder dangling from a window which opened onto the poster. Reports that two men, one with his arm in a sling, had been seen leaving the area are being enquired into.
Unconfirmed witness statements that the dead man had earlier been spotted in a local gypsy camp are being followed up. Further reports that the man had connections to the Russian embassy have been denied, an embassy spokesman saying "The world knows we are a peace-loving people…."
(Continued on Page 6)
-------------------------------------------------
In other news:
Swarm of rats infesting downtown area- Page 3
Body found in St Sophia building- Page 4
Flood caused by overflowing bath in local hotel- Page 5
Sorry, I can't remember if this one's been done before...?
1984. The phone rings at Debbie McWilliams' office.
Debbie: Hello, Casting.
Michaela: Hi, Michaela Clavell here.
Debbie: Hi, Michaela, how are you?
Michaela: Great. I just thought I'd call to see if you have any... news for me...?
Debbie: Well, I...
Michaela: It's just that Lois let me know you'd called *her* for the next Bond and... I... I was wondering if...
Debbie: ...if Moneypenny still needs her assistant?
Michaela: Exactly. You see... if I do get to come back for this next one, I'm rather hoping it would put me in the frame for the day when...
Debbie: Say no more, Michaela. I see where you're going with this. Can you hold the line for me, dear...?
[Two minutes later]
Debbie: Hi again, thanks for waiting. I've checked with 'upstairs' and, well... there's frankly a concern that the script for the new film is rather top-loaded with allies for Bond already... not only M, Q, Monepenny and the Minister of Defence, but also horse trainers with espionage pedigree, moustache-twirling French detectives, fishy CIA agents, you name it... There's enough 'assisting' going on to prop up several Bond films... not to mention glamorous ladies... jodhpurs, jacuzzis, Mary Stavin...
Michaela: Oh, I see... so... nothing at all for me on this one, then?
Debbie: Give me another second, darling...
[A minute later]
Debbie: Hi, Michaela... I've had a word with Cubby. Would you settle for a complimentary ticket to Ascot?
Michaela: Well, I...
Debbie: Take it, dear, that's all you'll ever get from him!
[Michaela sighs wistfully.]
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
Dame Judi Dench has mentioned, more than once, that whilst being interviewed she’s happy to talk about Shakespeare plays, Oscars, her title, etc, but all they want to ask her about is James Bond…..
2017. The home of Dame Judi Dench. She is being interviewed for a newspaper.
Interviewer: Shall we begin, Dame Judi?
Dame Judi: By all means.
Interviewer: So, you’ve had a spectacular career- leading roles on stage, success in Shakespearian plays, in films-
Dame Judi: And I was M in many James Bond films.
Interviewer: Yes, of course. Now, you won an Oscar for-
Dame Judi: Eight James Bond films, to be exact.
Interviewer: Yes, and your Oscar was-
Dame Judi: Well, seven really plus a cameo in one.
Interviewer: In “Shakespeare In Love”, you played-
Dame Judi: Well, I enjoyed the lines they gave me, I very much enjoyed that.
Interviewer: The lines?
Dame Judi: Oh yes, wonderful lines.
Interviewer: Well of course, Tom Stoppard wrote it so they would be wonderful lines.
Dame Judi: No, he didn’t.
Interviewer: Yes, he wrote “Shakespeare In Love”.
Dame Judi: But he didn’t write “Goldeneye”- I had this line about James Bond being a sexist, misogynistic dinosaur. I really enjoyed saying that!
Interviewer: If we could just get back to-
Dame Judi: Oh, and I had a magnificent death scene.
Interviewer: Well, of course, there are many death scenes in Shakespeare.
Dame Judi: No, no, in “Skyfall”!
Interviewer: (Confused.) “Skyfall”?
Dame Judi: Yes, I die near the end of that one. I thought it was a terrific scene!
Interviewer: (Desperately trying to get back on topic.) Now, you’ve also done some television.
Dame Judi: Yes, have you seen “As Time Goes By”?
Interviewer: Yes, that was very good. Geoffrey Palmer was your husband in that, wasn’t he?
Dame Judi: Yes, and he was Admiral Roebuck in “Tomorrow Never Dies”. We had a great time being adversaries in that one!
Interviewer: Now, Dame Judi, if we could just talk about-
(Dame Judi’s phone alarm rings. It plays, of course, the “James Bond Theme”.)
1964. Enterprises Auric, Switzerland. The telephone rings.
Kisch: Hello? …. I’ll see. Mr Goldfinger?
(Goldfinger is in intense discussion with Mr Ling. He turns, irritated.)
Goldfinger: Yes, Kisch?
Kisch: Call for you. They say it’s important.
(Goldfinger takes the phone.)
Goldfinger: Hello? …. Yes, this is him … Ah hello, Mr Whiting, how are things at the golf club? … Oh? Problems, you say? … A squashed golf ball …. On the main drive to the front door… Yes, it is very strange …. No, I have no idea how that would have happened- perhaps a car ran over it? …. Well, a truck then … If that is all, Mr Whiting? …. Oh, there’s more? … One of the statues has lost its head? …. Have you instigated a search? … Oh, I see …. And one of the arms is about to fall off … I suggest you get some glue and stick it back together! …. No, I have to go, I’m very busy.
(He hangs up.)
Goldfinger: Kisch, if that man rings again just tell him I’m busy.
Kisch: Yes, Mr Goldfinger.
Goldfinger: Now…
(He walks through a nearby door. His voice can still be heard.)
Goldfinger: Good evening, Double-O Seven.
Bond: My name is James Bond.
Goldfinger: And members of your curious profession… (His voice fades.)
I’m pleased to say that this was written by Bride Of Barbel.
2019. A knitting and sewing club.
Chair: ….and that was another wonderful sweater from Melanie. I’m sure we’d all like to thank her.
(A round of applause.)
Melanie: Thank you, thank you very much.
Chair: I’m sure it will be considered for the cup. And now it’s time for Monique.
(A sigh of impatience from the room.)
Monique: Thank you, Madame Chair.
Voice from the back: What have you got for us this time, Monique? Another teddy bear?
(Laughter.)
Chair: Quiet! Let’s hear her.
Monique: No, this is… well, you decide!
(She produces a cuddly toy.)
Voice: It IS a teddy bear!
Second Voice: No, it’s a rabbit!
Third Voice: It’s a baby piglet!
Monique: It doesn’t matter what it is as long as a child loves it.
Chair: And I’m sure some child somewhere will love it. Now, next we have Natalie….
A street market. Monique stands behind her stall. It’s nearly the end of the day, and she has sold no more than one pair of gloves, despite the many items she has available. With a sigh, she begins to pack up as a woman approaches.
Monique: Good afternoon, can I help you?
Woman: Yeah, what is this little cuddly toy here? It’s really cute!
Monique: It’s whatever a loving child wants it to be.
Woman: I’ll take it!
Monique: But you haven’t asked how much I want for it.
Woman: I know that, but I’m still taking it.
(The woman gives Monique a large bundle of notes, much to Monique’s pleasure, and goes back to rejoin the rest of her party. An elderly man with a beard stares at her purchase.)
Elderly Man: What on earth do you want with that?
Woman: I have an idea.
Elderly Man: Really, Barbara, you and your ideas….
(The voices fade as they walk off.)
2021. The knitting and sewing club.
Chair: ...and thanks again, Melanie. Lovely sweater. Now, we have something unusual next. Monique has asked me to play this video to you.
(She starts the video. Monique can be seen lying on a yacht, somewhere off Rio de Janeiro.)
Monique: (On video.) Good evening ladies. If any of you are wondering how I got here, may I suggest you watch the latest James Bond film and think of how many orders I’ve been getting since. And remember- it doesn’t matter if it’s a teddy bear, a rabbit, or a piglet- some producer will love it!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,757Chief of Staff
I’m pleased to say that this was written by Bride Of Barbel.
I had a good time in the Lake District, and am back feeling refreshed!
1964. The boardroom of Corgi Toys.
Chair: ….and that, I think, concludes our agenda. Now, the Director of Research would like to address us.
Research: Thank you, Mr Chairman. I won’t keep you for more than an hour or so if you give me your undivided attention. While our regular products are doing well, I believe that there is an avenue which will bear very profitable fruit for us for many years to come.
Marketing: And what might that be?
Research: Ah, this overlaps with your department. We could and should attempt to tie in with profitable trends with our products.
Chair: Mm-hmm. All that you say could be true. What else?
Research: There is one popular trend at this moment. One very popular British trend.
Marketing: The Beatles!
Research: Ah…. All right, The Beatles. Then perhaps I should say there are two popular trends, and both are British. The other one, however, is James Bond.
Chair: That name’s come up before.
Research: Indeed, and this time there is a very distinctive car to go with it. I speak, gentlemen, of the Aston Martin DB5 which James Bond drives in his latest film, “Goldfinger”.
Marketing: All right, so we make a model Aston Martin. Seems straightforward enough.
Research: It’s not quite that simple. I’ve taken the liberty of having a sample made- here, have a look.
(He produces a model of an Aston Martin DB5 and places it on the table in front of the board members.)
Chair: Interesting.
Supplies: This is gold, though- I’m sure the one in the film is silver.
Research: Yes, that’s true but we felt the prototypes looked unpainted so we changed it to gold. It ties in with the film “Goldfinger”, as well.
Marketing: You said earlier that it wasn’t just a simple model. What did you mean by that?
Research: I’d been hoping someone would ask me that. Press on the exhaust pipe you see at the rear.
(The Marketing Director does so, and is surprised to see a small piece of metal jump up from below the car’s rear window.)
Marketing: Oh! That gave me a start! What is it?
Research: It’s a bullet-proof shield.
Marketing: Bullet-proof shield? How are the children supposed to know that?
Research: Trust me, they’ll know. And we will mention it in the packaging.
Supplies: That’s a neat little trick.
Research: Oh, we’re not finished. Can you see this little trigger behind the left front wheel?
Supplies: Yes….?
Research: Give it a little push.
(The Supplies Director does so, and notices a change at the front of the car.)
Supplies: Is that meant to happen?
Research: Oh yes. Those are machine guns, as seen in the film, and extendible bumpers, which aren’t seen, unfortunately.
Marketing: This is genius, my friend, I have to hand it to you.
Research: There’s one more thing to tell you. Now, you see this second, bigger, trigger on the left side?
Marketing: Yes, I see it.
Research: Whatever you do, don’t touch it.
Marketing: And why not?
Research: Because you'll release this section of the roof and engage and fire the passenger ejector seat.
Chair: Ejector seat? You’re joking!
Research: I never joke about my work, Mr Chairman.
😁 Thanks, CHB! No sooner am I back than the site takes a day off, though.
Octopussy’s Cheese Shop
1983. Octopussy sits behind a desk. She presses a button on the intercom.
Octopussy: Send the next candidate in.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Yes, ma’am.
(The door opens and a young woman enters.)
Candidate: Good morning, ma’am.
Octopussy: Good morning, please take a seat.
(The candidate sits down.)
Octopussy: Now, you have applied for a post within our organisation.
Candidate: Yes, ma’am.
Octopussy: Can you tell me why?
Candidate: There are many of us all over South East Asia, looking for a guru, spiritual discipline, who knows what. You train them, give them a purpose, a sisterhood, and a way of life.
Octopussy: In crime?
Candidate: In business. You have diversified into shipping, hotels, carnivals and circuses.
Octopussy: And which of these attracts you?
Candidate: Circuses! Since I was a little girl I’ve always loved circuses.
Octopussy: Our circus is full of cunning stunts.
Candidate: Then I think I’ll fit right in.
Octopussy: You would have to wear our red uniform.
Candidate: Excellent! I like red uniforms.
Octopussy: Yes… it’s a bit tight.
Candidate: Oh, I like it tight.
Octopussy: Well… it’s very tight actually.
Candidate: No matter. Fetch hither l’uniforme rouge serre.
Octopussy: I think it’s a bit tighter than you’ll like it.
Candidate: I don’t care how ****ing tight it is, hand it over with all speed.
Octopussy: Let me put it this way- does the phrase “camel toe” mean anything to you?
"Wry Owl Teats" 😂 if I remember correctly, Westward_Drift.
1963. Pinewood Studios, the Fort Knox exterior set. Cameras are everywhere, shooting the scene in which Goldfinger’s trucks are approaching the fence and gate. A happy Dana Broccoli walks up to her husband, her young son on her arm.
Dana: Cubby, darling, look who’s here!
Cubby: Michael! Good to see you!
(They shake hands warmly.)
MGW: Good to see you too, Cubby.
Cubby: How come you’re here?
MGW: Well, I had some time off from college so I thought I’d drop in for a visit. What are you shooting?
Cubby: Our villain, Goldfinger, is about to break into Fort Knox.
MGW: Fort Knox? There’s $15 billion there!
Cubby: So?
MGW: $15,000,000,000 in gold bullion weighs 10,500 tons. 60 men would take 12 days to load it onto 200 trucks. Now, at the most, he’s going to have 2 hours before the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines move in and make him put it back.
Cubby: Who said anything about removing it?
MGW: He’s going to break into the world’s largest bank, but not to steal anything. Why?
Cubby: Go on, Michael.
MGW: But of course! He’s got an atomic bomb!
Cubby: Precisely.
MGW: Well, if he explodes it in Fort Knox, the entire gold supply of the United States would be radioactive for... fifty-seven years.
Cubby: I think Richard Maibaum and you will make a good team, one day. Now, excuse me one moment…
(Cubby goes to talk with Guy Hamilton.)
Dana: I thought you would enjoy this.
MGW: Oh, indeed.
Dana: I can see you getting involved in all this, and enjoying it too.
MGW: I do believe you’re right, Mother.
(Cubby returns, holding a blue uniform.)
Cubby: I’ve had an idea- Michael, since you’re here, how would you like to put on this uniform and join Goldfinger’s men as they break in?
MGW: What? Me?
Dana: Oh yes- great idea!
MGW: But I’m not an actor- I don’t know how to say lines and-
Cubby: Relax, you won’t have to say anything. Just stand and walk with the other guys. We’ll all know that it’s you and we can laugh about it when we see the film.
MGW: Well…. Okay, I’ll give it a go.
Dana: Wonderful!
(And so begins the Bond fan’s little in-joke- spotting Michael G. Wilson. From TSWLM onwards it starts in earnest: sometimes he’s just a voice, sometimes he plays a not so starring role such as “Man leaning on car”
or “Man reading newspaper”.
Sometimes he has an actual speaking part.
His son Gregg has more recently been doing the same.)
Oh, and if you haven’t spotted him in the Fort Knox scene, here’s a helpful pointer from Goldfinger himself:
1974. Pinewood Studios, set of “The Man With The Golden Gun”. Q’s lab.
Roger Moore: Yes, I’m sure it is. But just tell me where it was made and by whom.
James Cossins: Well, fortunately it’s all in one piece. 20.003 grams. Which leads us to deduce it was fired from a 4.2mm gun.
Roger: Boothroyd, there’s no such thing as a 4.2mm gun.
Desmond Llewelyn: The fact that no recognised munitions manufacturer, military or civil, produces such a bullet doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist, 007. Q Branch have been making irregular calibres for most unusual purposes and we don’t put serial numbers or markings on them.
Guy Hamilton: Cut! Take 5 everyone, then we’ll do that again.
(Desmond Llewelyn takes Guy Hamilton to the side.)
Desmond: Guy, did I hear that right? Roger called James “Boothroyd”?
Guy: Yes, that’s right. That’s in the script.
Desmond: But he can’t be Boothroyd- I’m Boothroyd!
Guy: Eh? You’re Q!
Desmond: Q’s real name is Major Boothroyd- that’s been established since “Dr No”.
Guy: Are you sure?
Desmond: Of course I’m sure!
Guy: Oh. All right, we’ll change it to… to… Colthorpe!
Desmond: Colthorpe?
Guy: Yes, Colthorpe. I was going to shoot the scene again anyway. Now, he has another scene, in M’s office, but we haven’t shot that yet. I’ll make sure to change the name there as well.
Desmond: Thank you, Guy.
FACTS: The real Geoffrey Boothroyd, an expert on firearms, wrote to Ian Fleming in 1956 pointing out several errors Fleming had made in previous novels with the guns James Bond was using. A grateful Fleming began a correspondence, and in "Dr No" included a character called Major Boothroyd who criticised Bond's choice of a Beretta (which he had been using up to this point) and advised him to use a Walther PPK, just as Geoffrey Boothroyd had indicated. This scene is in the film, albeit abbreviated, and this is the basis of Q.
One of Boothroyd's guns is on the cover of the hardbacks of "From Russia With Love".
Desmond Llewelyn did indeed object to the character played by James Cossins being called "Boothroyd", pointing out that he was Boothroyd, and so the name was changed to Colthorpe.
SPECULATION: Here's a picture of Geoffrey Boothroyd and one of James Cossins:
I see a resemblance, and wonder if that's just coincidence or with the character originally being named "Boothroyd" was meant as a tribute. I have no evidence to suggest this whatsoever.
...or maybe I do. The character is completely unnecessary in his two scenes. In M's office Tanner's there too and has one line. Nothing he does in Q's lab couldn't have been done by Q with very little rewriting. He'd never been seen before, and he wouldn't be seen again.
1967. Roald Dahl, having eaten his nightly feast of Wonka bars and giant peaches, sleeps soundly. A phantom figure enters his bedroom.
Figure: Roald…
Dahl: Zzzzzz…
Figure: (Louder.) Roald!
Dahl: (Awakening.) What? Who?
Figure: Good evening, Roald. Remember me? The name’s Fleming- Ian Fleming.
Dahl: Ian? But you’re dead! Are you a ghost?
Figure: Well, I’d prefer to say I’m a… spectre!
Roald: Oh, very funny.
Figure: I am here to remonstrate with you about what you did to my novel.
Roald: What? “You Only Live Twice”?
Figure: That is what I mean. You have desecrated one of my finest works.
Roald: But Ian-
Figure: I wrote that Bond would metaphorically die at the end of the story and be reborn, but you had him die at the start and be buried at sea and the whole thing would turn out to be just a ruse!
Roald: Oh no, you can’t blame me for that- Cubby and Harry insisted I use that idea which the previous writer Harold Bloom had come up with.
Figure: Well, I had the climactic battle between Bond and Blofeld in a castle and you had it in a volcano with thousands of ninjas!
Roald: No, not me- that was Cubby! Listen Ian, I was the one who kept in the Ama fishing girls and their village, and Kissy Suzuki being Bond’s cover for being there at all.
Figure: Hmph! You might have mentioned her name just once!
Roald: That was Lewis Gilbert- he thought that having Sean say “Kishy Shushuki” would sound terrible.
Figure: And how did Dikko Henderson suddenly become English rather than Australian?
Roald: Hey, I didn’t do the casting!
Figure: All my subtleties, all my culture clashes, gone, and my name's on this!
Figure: People will think I came up with the idea of a spaceship that eats other spaceships!
Roald: Ah, okay, that was me.
Figure: Then I have a curse for you.
Roald: A curse?
Figure: A curse. Just as I will forever be known as the creator of James Bond, you, despite all your many works, will forever only be known as the creator of a chocolate factory.
Roald: Ian, no!
Figure: But yes! No-one will remember all your other books and films, anytime someone mentions your name then all they will see is Willy Wonka and his chocolate factory.
Could it have been a subtle hint to Desmond to not demand a pay rise? I remember reading many moons ago (not sure where) that Bernard, Lois and Desmond were unhappy at their pay scales, especially with the huge success of the franchise, and the producers were saying that we can replace you if you keep kicking up a fuss? I also read that Sean was after a Dean Martin/Matt Helm financial deal where he would share in the profits and if he was cut a deal then he would sign up for life as playing Bond. This was refused and henceforth an unhappy Sean thereafter. Dean Martin earned far more than Sean ever did playing Helm.
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
and Lois Maxwell said she was paid more for OK Connery/Operation Kid Brother than she was for being in BondFilms. Don't know about all the other BondVeterans who were in the same film
but hint or no hint, Desmond outlasted all of them!
_____________________________________
@Barbel being known for Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory's not such a bad fate. I may be a character in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang but I concede Willy Wonka's the better film, and I remember it as being he better book as well.
Comments
I had the privilege of interviewing the late Yaphet Kotto on behalf of AJB007 a few years ago.
AJB Interview with Yaphet Kotto — ajb007
And while the dialogue above is obviously imaginary, he very much disliked the way his character died. "It was laughable. I tried to persuade the producers to consider doing it again".
1963
ISTANBUL TIMES
Body found below film poster
Police are investigating an apparent case of murder in Istanbul. A man’s body was found below a poster for a current film, with a rope ladder dangling from a window which opened onto the poster. Reports that two men, one with his arm in a sling, had been seen leaving the area are being enquired into.
Unconfirmed witness statements that the dead man had earlier been spotted in a local gypsy camp are being followed up. Further reports that the man had connections to the Russian embassy have been denied, an embassy spokesman saying "The world knows we are a peace-loving people…."
(Continued on Page 6)
-------------------------------------------------
In other news:
Swarm of rats infesting downtown area- Page 3
Body found in St Sophia building- Page 4
Flood caused by overflowing bath in local hotel- Page 5
1987. Shooting of “The Living Daylights”.
John Glen: Now, Timothy, I need a shot of you and Maryam getting on board the cello case.
Timothy Dalton: Certainly, John.
John: Then I’ll get Paul Weston to take your place and-
Timothy: Wait there, John. We’ve talked about this. I want to do the stunt myself.
John: Timothy, you’ve got to slide down the snow very quickly and I don’t want you to-
Timothy: (Firmly.) I’m doing it myself.
John: Well, if you say so….
John: Right, I need a good close-up of you on top of the Land Rover.
Timothy: Fine, I’ll do that.
John: Then we switch you out for the stuntman and-
Timothy: No way, I want to do this myself.
John: Tim, I can’t take the chance of you hurting yourself and-
Timothy: (Gritted teeth.) I’m doing this myself.
John: All right, fine…
John: Now, next we need a shot of you falling out of the back of the airplane, and grabbing onto the net. Ok, Tim?
(Silence.)
John: Tim?
John: Tim?
Timothy: All right, the stuntman can do that one.
1974. Pinewood Studios.
Guy Hamilton: Right, have a look at this, John.
John Barry: Okay.
Guy: You see? The car does a complete turn over the broken bridge.
John: Let me see it again, Guy.
Guy: Certainly.
Guy: Got it?
John: Got it.
Guy: You’ve been doing the car chase music, then we get to this- it's the climax of the whole thing.
John: Right, right.
Guy: So I’m relying on you to underline this and make sure it’s really impressive.
John: Okay, I’ve got it.
Guy: You won’t let me down here, now, will you?
John: Guy! Have I ever let you down?
Sorry, I can't remember if this one's been done before...?
1984. The phone rings at Debbie McWilliams' office.
Debbie: Hello, Casting.
Michaela: Hi, Michaela Clavell here.
Debbie: Hi, Michaela, how are you?
Michaela: Great. I just thought I'd call to see if you have any... news for me...?
Debbie: Well, I...
Michaela: It's just that Lois let me know you'd called *her* for the next Bond and... I... I was wondering if...
Debbie: ...if Moneypenny still needs her assistant?
Michaela: Exactly. You see... if I do get to come back for this next one, I'm rather hoping it would put me in the frame for the day when...
Debbie: Say no more, Michaela. I see where you're going with this. Can you hold the line for me, dear...?
[Two minutes later]
Debbie: Hi again, thanks for waiting. I've checked with 'upstairs' and, well... there's frankly a concern that the script for the new film is rather top-loaded with allies for Bond already... not only M, Q, Monepenny and the Minister of Defence, but also horse trainers with espionage pedigree, moustache-twirling French detectives, fishy CIA agents, you name it... There's enough 'assisting' going on to prop up several Bond films... not to mention glamorous ladies... jodhpurs, jacuzzis, Mary Stavin...
Michaela: Oh, I see... so... nothing at all for me on this one, then?
Debbie: Give me another second, darling...
[A minute later]
Debbie: Hi, Michaela... I've had a word with Cubby. Would you settle for a complimentary ticket to Ascot?
Michaela: Well, I...
Debbie: Take it, dear, that's all you'll ever get from him!
[Michaela sighs wistfully.]
Nope, not done before! 😁😁😁
AJB interview with Debbie McWilliams-
AJB Interview with Debbie McWilliams — ajb007
Q: 'Evening, squire!
Bond: (Stiffly.) Good evening.
Q: Is, uh,...Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?
Bond: I, uh, I beg your pardon?
Q: Your, uh, your wife, does she go, eh, does she go, eh?
Bond: (Flustered.) Well, she sometimes "goes", yes.
Q: Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more, knowwhatahmean, nudge nudge?
Bond: (Confused.) I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.
Q: Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!
Bond: Are you, uh,...are you selling something?
Q: SELLING! Very good, very good! Eh? Eh? Eh? (Pause.) Oooh! You’re wicked , eh! Wicked! Oooh hooh! Say No MORE!
Bond: Well, I, uh....
(He gets up to go.)
Q: 007?
Bond: (Light dawning.) Yes?
Q: I’m your new quartermaster. And I know you haven't got a wife.
(Bond sighs and sits down again.)
Excellent mashup 🤣
so is that the new password instead of "may I borrow a match?"
I'm afraid too many people already know it, its not secure
Thanks, guys. 🙂
Dame Judi Dench has mentioned, more than once, that whilst being interviewed she’s happy to talk about Shakespeare plays, Oscars, her title, etc, but all they want to ask her about is James Bond…..
2017. The home of Dame Judi Dench. She is being interviewed for a newspaper.
Interviewer: Shall we begin, Dame Judi?
Dame Judi: By all means.
Interviewer: So, you’ve had a spectacular career- leading roles on stage, success in Shakespearian plays, in films-
Dame Judi: And I was M in many James Bond films.
Interviewer: Yes, of course. Now, you won an Oscar for-
Dame Judi: Eight James Bond films, to be exact.
Interviewer: Yes, and your Oscar was-
Dame Judi: Well, seven really plus a cameo in one.
Interviewer: In “Shakespeare In Love”, you played-
Dame Judi: Well, I enjoyed the lines they gave me, I very much enjoyed that.
Interviewer: The lines?
Dame Judi: Oh yes, wonderful lines.
Interviewer: Well of course, Tom Stoppard wrote it so they would be wonderful lines.
Dame Judi: No, he didn’t.
Interviewer: Yes, he wrote “Shakespeare In Love”.
Dame Judi: But he didn’t write “Goldeneye”- I had this line about James Bond being a sexist, misogynistic dinosaur. I really enjoyed saying that!
Interviewer: If we could just get back to-
Dame Judi: Oh, and I had a magnificent death scene.
Interviewer: Well, of course, there are many death scenes in Shakespeare.
Dame Judi: No, no, in “Skyfall”!
Interviewer: (Confused.) “Skyfall”?
Dame Judi: Yes, I die near the end of that one. I thought it was a terrific scene!
Interviewer: (Desperately trying to get back on topic.) Now, you’ve also done some television.
Dame Judi: Yes, have you seen “As Time Goes By”?
Interviewer: Yes, that was very good. Geoffrey Palmer was your husband in that, wasn’t he?
Dame Judi: Yes, and he was Admiral Roebuck in “Tomorrow Never Dies”. We had a great time being adversaries in that one!
Interviewer: Now, Dame Judi, if we could just talk about-
(Dame Judi’s phone alarm rings. It plays, of course, the “James Bond Theme”.)
Dame Judi: Sorry- time’s up!
1964. Enterprises Auric, Switzerland. The telephone rings.
Kisch: Hello? …. I’ll see. Mr Goldfinger?
(Goldfinger is in intense discussion with Mr Ling. He turns, irritated.)
Goldfinger: Yes, Kisch?
Kisch: Call for you. They say it’s important.
(Goldfinger takes the phone.)
Goldfinger: Hello? …. Yes, this is him … Ah hello, Mr Whiting, how are things at the golf club? … Oh? Problems, you say? … A squashed golf ball …. On the main drive to the front door… Yes, it is very strange …. No, I have no idea how that would have happened- perhaps a car ran over it? …. Well, a truck then … If that is all, Mr Whiting? …. Oh, there’s more? … One of the statues has lost its head? …. Have you instigated a search? … Oh, I see …. And one of the arms is about to fall off … I suggest you get some glue and stick it back together! …. No, I have to go, I’m very busy.
(He hangs up.)
Goldfinger: Kisch, if that man rings again just tell him I’m busy.
Kisch: Yes, Mr Goldfinger.
Goldfinger: Now…
(He walks through a nearby door. His voice can still be heard.)
Goldfinger: Good evening, Double-O Seven.
Bond: My name is James Bond.
Goldfinger: And members of your curious profession… (His voice fades.)
Having seen NTTD, at last, I’ve also caught up the imaginary conversations on previous pages - good stuff, everyone 😁😂👍🏻
Thank you, CHB! 😊
I’m pleased to say that this was written by Bride Of Barbel.
2019. A knitting and sewing club.
Chair: ….and that was another wonderful sweater from Melanie. I’m sure we’d all like to thank her.
(A round of applause.)
Melanie: Thank you, thank you very much.
Chair: I’m sure it will be considered for the cup. And now it’s time for Monique.
(A sigh of impatience from the room.)
Monique: Thank you, Madame Chair.
Voice from the back: What have you got for us this time, Monique? Another teddy bear?
(Laughter.)
Chair: Quiet! Let’s hear her.
Monique: No, this is… well, you decide!
(She produces a cuddly toy.)
Voice: It IS a teddy bear!
Second Voice: No, it’s a rabbit!
Third Voice: It’s a baby piglet!
Monique: It doesn’t matter what it is as long as a child loves it.
Chair: And I’m sure some child somewhere will love it. Now, next we have Natalie….
A street market. Monique stands behind her stall. It’s nearly the end of the day, and she has sold no more than one pair of gloves, despite the many items she has available. With a sigh, she begins to pack up as a woman approaches.
Monique: Good afternoon, can I help you?
Woman: Yeah, what is this little cuddly toy here? It’s really cute!
Monique: It’s whatever a loving child wants it to be.
Woman: I’ll take it!
Monique: But you haven’t asked how much I want for it.
Woman: I know that, but I’m still taking it.
(The woman gives Monique a large bundle of notes, much to Monique’s pleasure, and goes back to rejoin the rest of her party. An elderly man with a beard stares at her purchase.)
Elderly Man: What on earth do you want with that?
Woman: I have an idea.
Elderly Man: Really, Barbara, you and your ideas….
(The voices fade as they walk off.)
2021. The knitting and sewing club.
Chair: ...and thanks again, Melanie. Lovely sweater. Now, we have something unusual next. Monique has asked me to play this video to you.
(She starts the video. Monique can be seen lying on a yacht, somewhere off Rio de Janeiro.)
Monique: (On video.) Good evening ladies. If any of you are wondering how I got here, may I suggest you watch the latest James Bond film and think of how many orders I’ve been getting since. And remember- it doesn’t matter if it’s a teddy bear, a rabbit, or a piglet- some producer will love it!
I’m pleased to say that this was written by Bride Of Barbel.
And now we know where the real talent lies 👏🏻😁
Oh, yes indeed. 😊 I think my brain is now tired out again and needs a fallow period to recover.
If you can still use words like fallow you don't require any down time.
I had a good time in the Lake District, and am back feeling refreshed!
1964. The boardroom of Corgi Toys.
Chair: ….and that, I think, concludes our agenda. Now, the Director of Research would like to address us.
Research: Thank you, Mr Chairman. I won’t keep you for more than an hour or so if you give me your undivided attention. While our regular products are doing well, I believe that there is an avenue which will bear very profitable fruit for us for many years to come.
Marketing: And what might that be?
Research: Ah, this overlaps with your department. We could and should attempt to tie in with profitable trends with our products.
Chair: Mm-hmm. All that you say could be true. What else?
Research: There is one popular trend at this moment. One very popular British trend.
Marketing: The Beatles!
Research: Ah…. All right, The Beatles. Then perhaps I should say there are two popular trends, and both are British. The other one, however, is James Bond.
Chair: That name’s come up before.
Research: Indeed, and this time there is a very distinctive car to go with it. I speak, gentlemen, of the Aston Martin DB5 which James Bond drives in his latest film, “Goldfinger”.
Marketing: All right, so we make a model Aston Martin. Seems straightforward enough.
Research: It’s not quite that simple. I’ve taken the liberty of having a sample made- here, have a look.
(He produces a model of an Aston Martin DB5 and places it on the table in front of the board members.)
Chair: Interesting.
Supplies: This is gold, though- I’m sure the one in the film is silver.
Research: Yes, that’s true but we felt the prototypes looked unpainted so we changed it to gold. It ties in with the film “Goldfinger”, as well.
Marketing: You said earlier that it wasn’t just a simple model. What did you mean by that?
Research: I’d been hoping someone would ask me that. Press on the exhaust pipe you see at the rear.
(The Marketing Director does so, and is surprised to see a small piece of metal jump up from below the car’s rear window.)
Marketing: Oh! That gave me a start! What is it?
Research: It’s a bullet-proof shield.
Marketing: Bullet-proof shield? How are the children supposed to know that?
Research: Trust me, they’ll know. And we will mention it in the packaging.
Supplies: That’s a neat little trick.
Research: Oh, we’re not finished. Can you see this little trigger behind the left front wheel?
Supplies: Yes….?
Research: Give it a little push.
(The Supplies Director does so, and notices a change at the front of the car.)
Supplies: Is that meant to happen?
Research: Oh yes. Those are machine guns, as seen in the film, and extendible bumpers, which aren’t seen, unfortunately.
Marketing: This is genius, my friend, I have to hand it to you.
Research: There’s one more thing to tell you. Now, you see this second, bigger, trigger on the left side?
Marketing: Yes, I see it.
Research: Whatever you do, don’t touch it.
Marketing: And why not?
Research: Because you'll release this section of the roof and engage and fire the passenger ejector seat.
Chair: Ejector seat? You’re joking!
Research: I never joke about my work, Mr Chairman.
I still have mine though its silver not gold. and I used to have the similar Chitty Chitty Bang Bang car but stupidly lost it somewhere along the way
the ejector seat was dangerous because the little humanoid that shot out could easily disappear under a chair or down a heating vent
Me too- I have the original gold one, and in the box.
Never mind about James Bond - Barbel Is Back In Action!
😁 Thanks, CHB! No sooner am I back than the site takes a day off, though.
Octopussy’s Cheese Shop
1983. Octopussy sits behind a desk. She presses a button on the intercom.
Octopussy: Send the next candidate in.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Yes, ma’am.
(The door opens and a young woman enters.)
Candidate: Good morning, ma’am.
Octopussy: Good morning, please take a seat.
(The candidate sits down.)
Octopussy: Now, you have applied for a post within our organisation.
Candidate: Yes, ma’am.
Octopussy: Can you tell me why?
Candidate: There are many of us all over South East Asia, looking for a guru, spiritual discipline, who knows what. You train them, give them a purpose, a sisterhood, and a way of life.
Octopussy: In crime?
Candidate: In business. You have diversified into shipping, hotels, carnivals and circuses.
Octopussy: And which of these attracts you?
Candidate: Circuses! Since I was a little girl I’ve always loved circuses.
Octopussy: Our circus is full of cunning stunts.
Candidate: Then I think I’ll fit right in.
Octopussy: You would have to wear our red uniform.
Candidate: Excellent! I like red uniforms.
Octopussy: Yes… it’s a bit tight.
Candidate: Oh, I like it tight.
Octopussy: Well… it’s very tight actually.
Candidate: No matter. Fetch hither l’uniforme rouge serre.
Octopussy: I think it’s a bit tighter than you’ll like it.
Candidate: I don’t care how ****ing tight it is, hand it over with all speed.
Octopussy: Let me put it this way- does the phrase “camel toe” mean anything to you?
Candidate: (Puzzled.) No.
Octopussy: Then you’re hired!
Ah, Octopussy and possibly the future Mrs Boothroyd from my IC.
"Wry Owl Teats" 😂 if I remember correctly, Westward_Drift.
1963. Pinewood Studios, the Fort Knox exterior set. Cameras are everywhere, shooting the scene in which Goldfinger’s trucks are approaching the fence and gate. A happy Dana Broccoli walks up to her husband, her young son on her arm.
Dana: Cubby, darling, look who’s here!
Cubby: Michael! Good to see you!
(They shake hands warmly.)
MGW: Good to see you too, Cubby.
Cubby: How come you’re here?
MGW: Well, I had some time off from college so I thought I’d drop in for a visit. What are you shooting?
Cubby: Our villain, Goldfinger, is about to break into Fort Knox.
MGW: Fort Knox? There’s $15 billion there!
Cubby: So?
MGW: $15,000,000,000 in gold bullion weighs 10,500 tons. 60 men would take 12 days to load it onto 200 trucks. Now, at the most, he’s going to have 2 hours before the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines move in and make him put it back.
Cubby: Who said anything about removing it?
MGW: He’s going to break into the world’s largest bank, but not to steal anything. Why?
Cubby: Go on, Michael.
MGW: But of course! He’s got an atomic bomb!
Cubby: Precisely.
MGW: Well, if he explodes it in Fort Knox, the entire gold supply of the United States would be radioactive for... fifty-seven years.
Cubby: Fifty-eight, to be exact.
MGW: It's an inspired deal!
Cubby: I think Richard Maibaum and you will make a good team, one day. Now, excuse me one moment…
(Cubby goes to talk with Guy Hamilton.)
Dana: I thought you would enjoy this.
MGW: Oh, indeed.
Dana: I can see you getting involved in all this, and enjoying it too.
MGW: I do believe you’re right, Mother.
(Cubby returns, holding a blue uniform.)
Cubby: I’ve had an idea- Michael, since you’re here, how would you like to put on this uniform and join Goldfinger’s men as they break in?
MGW: What? Me?
Dana: Oh yes- great idea!
MGW: But I’m not an actor- I don’t know how to say lines and-
Cubby: Relax, you won’t have to say anything. Just stand and walk with the other guys. We’ll all know that it’s you and we can laugh about it when we see the film.
MGW: Well…. Okay, I’ll give it a go.
Dana: Wonderful!
(And so begins the Bond fan’s little in-joke- spotting Michael G. Wilson. From TSWLM onwards it starts in earnest: sometimes he’s just a voice, sometimes he plays a not so starring role such as “Man leaning on car”
or “Man reading newspaper”.
Sometimes he has an actual speaking part.
His son Gregg has more recently been doing the same.)
Oh, and if you haven’t spotted him in the Fort Knox scene, here’s a helpful pointer from Goldfinger himself:
1974. Pinewood Studios, set of “The Man With The Golden Gun”. Q’s lab.
Roger Moore: Yes, I’m sure it is. But just tell me where it was made and by whom.
James Cossins: Well, fortunately it’s all in one piece. 20.003 grams. Which leads us to deduce it was fired from a 4.2mm gun.
Roger: Boothroyd, there’s no such thing as a 4.2mm gun.
Desmond Llewelyn: The fact that no recognised munitions manufacturer, military or civil, produces such a bullet doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist, 007. Q Branch have been making irregular calibres for most unusual purposes and we don’t put serial numbers or markings on them.
Guy Hamilton: Cut! Take 5 everyone, then we’ll do that again.
(Desmond Llewelyn takes Guy Hamilton to the side.)
Desmond: Guy, did I hear that right? Roger called James “Boothroyd”?
Guy: Yes, that’s right. That’s in the script.
Desmond: But he can’t be Boothroyd- I’m Boothroyd!
Guy: Eh? You’re Q!
Desmond: Q’s real name is Major Boothroyd- that’s been established since “Dr No”.
Guy: Are you sure?
Desmond: Of course I’m sure!
Guy: Oh. All right, we’ll change it to… to… Colthorpe!
Desmond: Colthorpe?
Guy: Yes, Colthorpe. I was going to shoot the scene again anyway. Now, he has another scene, in M’s office, but we haven’t shot that yet. I’ll make sure to change the name there as well.
Desmond: Thank you, Guy.
FACTS: The real Geoffrey Boothroyd, an expert on firearms, wrote to Ian Fleming in 1956 pointing out several errors Fleming had made in previous novels with the guns James Bond was using. A grateful Fleming began a correspondence, and in "Dr No" included a character called Major Boothroyd who criticised Bond's choice of a Beretta (which he had been using up to this point) and advised him to use a Walther PPK, just as Geoffrey Boothroyd had indicated. This scene is in the film, albeit abbreviated, and this is the basis of Q.
One of Boothroyd's guns is on the cover of the hardbacks of "From Russia With Love".
Desmond Llewelyn did indeed object to the character played by James Cossins being called "Boothroyd", pointing out that he was Boothroyd, and so the name was changed to Colthorpe.
SPECULATION: Here's a picture of Geoffrey Boothroyd and one of James Cossins:
I see a resemblance, and wonder if that's just coincidence or with the character originally being named "Boothroyd" was meant as a tribute. I have no evidence to suggest this whatsoever.
...or maybe I do. The character is completely unnecessary in his two scenes. In M's office Tanner's there too and has one line. Nothing he does in Q's lab couldn't have been done by Q with very little rewriting. He'd never been seen before, and he wouldn't be seen again.
So why is he there at all?
1967. Roald Dahl, having eaten his nightly feast of Wonka bars and giant peaches, sleeps soundly. A phantom figure enters his bedroom.
Figure: Roald…
Dahl: Zzzzzz…
Figure: (Louder.) Roald!
Dahl: (Awakening.) What? Who?
Figure: Good evening, Roald. Remember me? The name’s Fleming- Ian Fleming.
Dahl: Ian? But you’re dead! Are you a ghost?
Figure: Well, I’d prefer to say I’m a… spectre!
Roald: Oh, very funny.
Figure: I am here to remonstrate with you about what you did to my novel.
Roald: What? “You Only Live Twice”?
Figure: That is what I mean. You have desecrated one of my finest works.
Roald: But Ian-
Figure: I wrote that Bond would metaphorically die at the end of the story and be reborn, but you had him die at the start and be buried at sea and the whole thing would turn out to be just a ruse!
Roald: Oh no, you can’t blame me for that- Cubby and Harry insisted I use that idea which the previous writer Harold Bloom had come up with.
Figure: Well, I had the climactic battle between Bond and Blofeld in a castle and you had it in a volcano with thousands of ninjas!
Roald: No, not me- that was Cubby! Listen Ian, I was the one who kept in the Ama fishing girls and their village, and Kissy Suzuki being Bond’s cover for being there at all.
Figure: Hmph! You might have mentioned her name just once!
Roald: That was Lewis Gilbert- he thought that having Sean say “Kishy Shushuki” would sound terrible.
Figure: And how did Dikko Henderson suddenly become English rather than Australian?
Roald: Hey, I didn’t do the casting!
Figure: All my subtleties, all my culture clashes, gone, and my name's on this!
Figure: People will think I came up with the idea of a spaceship that eats other spaceships!
Roald: Ah, okay, that was me.
Figure: Then I have a curse for you.
Roald: A curse?
Figure: A curse. Just as I will forever be known as the creator of James Bond, you, despite all your many works, will forever only be known as the creator of a chocolate factory.
Roald: Ian, no!
Figure: But yes! No-one will remember all your other books and films, anytime someone mentions your name then all they will see is Willy Wonka and his chocolate factory.
Roald: But, Ian-
(The figure fades away.)
Could it have been a subtle hint to Desmond to not demand a pay rise? I remember reading many moons ago (not sure where) that Bernard, Lois and Desmond were unhappy at their pay scales, especially with the huge success of the franchise, and the producers were saying that we can replace you if you keep kicking up a fuss? I also read that Sean was after a Dean Martin/Matt Helm financial deal where he would share in the profits and if he was cut a deal then he would sign up for life as playing Bond. This was refused and henceforth an unhappy Sean thereafter. Dean Martin earned far more than Sean ever did playing Helm.
That sounds very possible, coupled with Desmond not being in the preceding movie at all.
and Lois Maxwell said she was paid more for OK Connery/Operation Kid Brother than she was for being in BondFilms. Don't know about all the other BondVeterans who were in the same film
but hint or no hint, Desmond outlasted all of them!
_____________________________________
@Barbel being known for Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory's not such a bad fate. I may be a character in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang but I concede Willy Wonka's the better film, and I remember it as being he better book as well.