1981. London. James Bond is flying a helicopter with Blofeld, in a wheelchair, attached to one of the copter’s skids. They are heading for a tall chimney.
Blofeld: Mr Bond! Mr Bond! We can do a deal! I’ll buy you a delicatessen- in stainless steel!
Bond: (Hesitates.) Stainless steel, you say?
(He turns the helicopter around and heads back to land it.)
Six months later….
(A delicatessen in London. Bond is working behind the counter when Moneypenny enters.)
Bond: Good morning, madam, how can I help…. Moneypenny!
Moneypenny: I’ve been searching all over London for you.
Bond: Oh?
Moneypenny: Your resignation took us all by surprise, and you didn’t tell us where you would be working.
Bond: Well, I’ve always wanted a quiet time with my favourite foods.
Moneypenny: So I see. It’s… it’s very shiny in here, isn’t it?
Bond: Ah yes, that’ll be the stainless steel.
Moneypenny: A delicatessen in stainless steel? However did you find enough money to buy one of those?
Bond: Oh, I had some help from an old friend, shall we say.
Moneypenny: Look, James, we need you back at the office. A spy ship has sunk and it had a very important bit of technology aboard which we need to get back before the Russians get their hands on it.
Bond: You’ll just have to ask 008, I’ve quit.
Moneypenny: Queen and country, James.
Bond: (Firmly.) The answer’s no.
(The kitchen door opens. A bald man in a wheelchair comes in.)
Bald Man: That’s the new delivery here, Mr Bond.
Bond: Tell them I’ll be there in a moment, Ernst.
Blofeld: Right-o.
(He goes back to the kitchen.)
Moneypenny: Ernst…? You don’t mean…?
Bond: No idea what you’re talking about, Moneypenny. Now, unless you want to buy something I suggest you go back to the office and tell them I said “no”.
Bond and Blofeld are busy serving at the delicatessen, when some familiar faces drop by, tipped off by Moneypenny.
M: This will not stand.
Bond: It will. It's made of stainless steel.
Sir Frederick Gray (to M): Your man should be taken off the food court.
Bond: Moneypenny, I should put you over my knee!
Moneypenny: On avocado salad and ciabatta toasties? I'd like to see you try!
Blofeld (to Monepenny, who suddenly falls into a trance): Do you remember when you first came here? How you hated chicken and chorizo bites? How you were sick when you even saw one? But all of that is over now. I have taught you to love chicken and chorizo bites...
Admiral Roebuck: That's it, we've seen enough. This is a military matter now. One strike and we take out half the world's mushroom fondue and mint aiolo.
Blofeld: Close stainless steel shutters.
Bond: Stainless steel shutters closing.
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
1983. An agent’s office in London. No, a theatrical agent. Rowan Atkinson enters.
Agent: Hi Rowan, how are you? How's your plan for that Blackadder thing working out?
Atkinson: All fine, thank you. “Blackadder” is taking shape quite nicely.
Agent: A cunning plan eh? How do you fancy a break? A part in a guaranteed multi-million success?
Atkinson: I could be persuaded. If the money's right ... eh? I mean If the role offers me a chance to stretch my acting talent, I'm very much a working thespian these days. What’s the part?
Agent: Well, there’s a new James Bond film being shot.
Atkinson: James Bond…?
(He unconsciously adopts the Bond pose, holding his right forefinger over his left shoulder as he thinks... I'd better start training, in the gym. Some weights and cardio exercises. I knew this day would come. I won't let you down ...)
Agent: Alas, no, you won’t be playing James Bond.
Atkinson: Ah, pity. I have some ideas along those lines. M then? I'd love to play "Older", to show my vast range of characters. A limp perhaps or how about in drag? Ever think of a female M ?
Agent: Sadly no, Not M.
Atkinson: Moneypenny then, I could drag up for that, I'm very impressive in a backless dress and a wimple!
Agent: No sorry, it's ........
Atkinson: Still, I take it I’ll be working with Roger Moore? We can exchange anecdotes on showbiz. He did Ivanhoe didn't he? We can talk about working in tights.
Agent: Again no, there are two Bond films being made this year.
Atkinson: Two? Well who's playing Bond in the other? Lazenby's not back, is he?
Agent: You’ll be working with Sean Connery.
Atkinson: I thought he said he’d never play James Bond again.... and then again.
Agent: Funny you should say that. Anyway, he’s been persuaded. Great script, stunts and as for the score, you haven't heard the like of it before!
Atkinson: Do I play the villain, then? I can really let loose my inner "Bad Guy"! Electrocute a henchman or maybe feed one to a shark so his head could be bobbing in the sea. Have you heard me say "Bob"? It always gets a laugh, so it would be a change to get a grimace from it.
Agent: No, you’re the comedy relief.
(A silent pause stretches out........... )
Atkinson: Then I don’t think I want to do that. I’m trying to become a more serious actor these days and cut down on the comedy. I have an idea to do a Scooby Doo film and also a character who doesn't speak at all.
Agent: You sure?
Atkinson: Yes, I don’t want to play the clown in Pinewood Studios or wherever. My art is everything to me now I don't think there's anything you could say to persuade me.
Agent: This is the payment (The agent pushes a piece of paper across the table.) and all your scenes are in the Bahamas.
Atkinson: Very well. I accept. A man may act for many things, His country, his principles, his friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But I'd mud wrestle my own mother for a tonne of cash, an amusing clock, and a sack of French porn. You're on!
Agent: Good! Glad to hear it.
Atkinson: Shall I do it with an accent? I could do a Scottish accent.
Agent: You’re wanting to try a Scottish accent in a film starring Sean Connery?
St Peter: Welcome to the Gates of Heaven. Please tell me your name.
Figure: Kevin McClory.
St Peter: And what did you do on Earth?
McClory: I made films- motion pictures.
St Peter: I see. Were any of these well known and successful?
McClory: Yes, indeed. Perhaps the most successful was one called “Thunderball”.
St Peter: Ah, that would be a James Bond film, I think?
McClory: Yes, a very successful one.
St Peter: Perhaps you directed this film?
McClory: Oh no, I was the producer.
St Peter: Most strange- I seem to recall that was produced by Harry Saltzman and Albert Broccoli. They told me so themselves.
McClory: (Scoffs.) Well, they would say that, wouldn’t they?
St Peter: Perhaps you wrote this film?
McClory: Yes, it was all my idea.
St Peter: Again, most strange- I am sure that someone called Ian Fleming wrote that one.
McClory: Don’t get me started! I came up with the idea for that and all the cinematic James Bond films!
St Peter: So you say you were the man behind James Bond?
McClory: I most certainly was!
St Peter: Well, please cross over the bridge just there through the clouds.
McClory: Thank you.
(McClory starts walking over the bridge. St Peter’s foot hovers over a pedal, then depresses it. The bridge rapidly opens, and McClory falls through with a yell. The bridge closes shut again as his voice fades away. St Peter smiles, then removes his white wig and beard to reveal a familiar face. He is approached by a figure carrying a cigarette in a holder in one hand and a vodka martini (shaken not stirred, of course) in the other.)
Figure: You handled that very well, Cubby.
Cubby: Thanks, Ian. Well, we’ve had plenty time to think this one out.
I don’t think anybody really analysed what the hell he was singing about. And I still don’t know what the song is about to this day. But we were given that problem, and we had to live with it.
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
Charles: Bit of a change for you from those James Bond films.
Craig: Yes sir, you might say that.
Charles: I remember that time you took my mother up in a helicopter and the two of you parachuted out above Wembley Stadium.
Craig: Ah… Yes, sir.
Charles: I was all worked up for a few moments. I, er, don’t suppose you fancy doing something like that again?
Craig: (Confused.) I’m not with you, sir.
Charles: Well, you know, you’re always doing these fantastic stunts. I know my mother enjoyed that one very much and I would like very much for you to do the same again. If you get what I mean, Sir Daniel…
Craig: (Light dawning.) Sir Daniel…Ah, I do see what you mean.
Charles: I mean, perhaps in your next Bond film you might like to include her in one of your stunts?
Craig: Well, I suppose she could sit in the Aston Martin while I turn it round and round very quickly and use the machine guns to kill off the bad guys.
Charles: Yes, yes, but…. Perhaps something more dangerous?
Craig: Maybe join me when I jump off a bridge?
Charles: Yes, that’s more like it!
Craig: Of course she’d have to hold on to the safety rope.
It's all so boring here, Margot. There's nothing but playboys and tennis pros. If only I could find a real man.
Bond [parachuting in]:
I need to use your phone. She'll call you back.
Linda:
Who are you?
Bond:
Bond. James Bond. Exercise control, OO7 here. I'll report in an hour.
Linda [holding out a drink to him]:
Won't you join me?
Bond:
Better make that two.
[Two hours later...]
Goodness me, is that the time? Well, it's been great to have had this conversation with you, Linda. We've cared, shared, drunk your wine and related to each other with authentic empathy in a platonic context. You've patiently heard me out on my reconstructed view that monogamy with a life partner is the only ethical way forward for relationships in the 1980s, and you've accepted my socially aware disavowal of phallocentric paradigms of sexual politics...but now I really must get back to Exercise Control!
[Bond gives a farewell wave then dives overboard for his swim to the shore.]
Linda
[Phones her friend back.] It's more boring here than ever, Margot. There's nothing but playboys, tennis pros, misty-eyed 'new men' from MI6 with 'right on' attitudes... and a-ha!
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
1989. Eon HQ, inside a giant golf ball in a cold location.
MGW: Cubby, we have a problem with the title of the new movie.
Cubby: “Licence Revoked”? What’s wrong with it?
MGW: Well, it appears that a survey carried out in, er, a certain very important market shows that many people seem to think it’s about a driving licence.
Cubby: What? What do you mean?
MGW: A lot of people seem to think that it’s about James Bond having his driving licence taken away from him.
Cubby: That’s ridiculous!
MGW: Also they seem to want it to be spelled “License” rather than “Licence”.
Cubby: No way- it’s staying “Licence”!
MGW: It seems we have to think of a new title. Also, it’s very like a John Gardner James Bond book, “Licence Renewed”.
BB: How about “This Gun For Hire”?
Cubby: Can’t do that, it’s been done.
BB: That didn’t stop you with “Moonraker”!
Cubby: That’s totally different- it says “The”.
MGW: Well, we definitely have to think of something.
BB: “Bits Of Live And Let Die We Forgot To Include +Vague Ideas From The Man With The Golden Gun”?
Cubby: Don’t be silly, Barbara.
MGW: “Risico”?
BB: There he goes again with the short story titles- next thing he’ll be asking for “Quantum Of Solace”!
Cubby: Over my dead body!
(BB and MGW share a look.)
BB: Of course, Dad.
MFW: Whatever you say, Cubby.
Cubby: No, we definitely have to have the word “Licence”, because everybody knows James Bond has a licence to kill.
MGW: Say that again, Cubby?
Cubby: Everybody knows James Bond has a-
MGW/BB: “Licence To Kill”!
Cubby: “Licence To Kill”…. I can just see the poster now...
MGW: Oh no, I'm sure we can come up with a better one than that.
1981. Eon HQ, in a building in Venice. Cubby Broccoli sits waiting. The door opens, and a very tired looking Michael G. Wilson enters.
Cubby: Michael, my boy! Glad to see you!
MGW: (Panting.) Glad to see you too, Cubby.
Cubby: Sit down, sit down. (MGW sits.) Been busy, have you?
MGW: You might say that. You know, of course, that “Moonraker” was a very successful film for us?
Cubby: Of course I know that.
MGW: It was a hit all over the world.
Cubby: Yes, and I’m very happy about that.
MGW: ...which means there were copies of it everywhere. Europe, USA, Asia, Australia, South America….
Cubby: Naturally.
MGW: So, when you told me to find every copy of the film and erase Dolly’s braces I had to go all over the world and find every copy.
Cubby: Yes….
MGW: I don’t think you realise how hard a task this was!
Cubby: Oh, I do, and Michael don’t think that I don’t appreciate all the hard work you’ve done.
MGW: Yes, Dad, but why on earth would you want me to do this?
Cubby: It’s all to do with the mystique of Bond. We have to give the fans something to worry about, to talk about, to dream about.
MGW: Surely you don’t think they’ll even notice this?
Cubby: I promise you they’ll notice. They noticed Bond’s facemask changing colour underwater in “Thunderball”. They noticed the car in “Diamonds Are Forever” going into the alley on one side then coming back out on the other.
MGW: But they won’t be talking about it forty years later!
Cubby: Oh, yes, they will. And we’ve just given them something they will never, ever stop talking about. They’ll watch the film in the cinema; they’ll buy the VHS and theBetamax tapes just to be sure. When there’s new technology, they’ll buy that and they will check and rewind.
Harry Saltzman: So, Maurice, you have something to show us.
Maurice Binder: That’s right, I’ve been working on something to open the movie with.
Cubby Broccoli: Your idea being…?
Maurice: I thought we should have some sort of trademark. You said you wanted to make a few of these James Bond films, and it would be a good idea if we had a distinguishing opening to let the audience know these films are all one series.
Harry: Sounds good.
Cubby: So, what have you got?
(Maurice sets up a screen and projector.)
Maurice: Ready? Let’s see it…
(The screen goes black. A series of white dots move across the screen before one stops, opening out into a view down the barrel of a gun. A man walks on, turns and fires a gun directly at the viewer. A red wash descends.)
Harry: Wha…? What was that?
Cubby: Run it again, Maurice.
(Maurice runs it again.)
Harry: What am I supposed to be seeing? Is that the view down a telescopic sight?
Maurice: No, we’re looking down the barrel of a gun.
Cubby: Gunbarrel… I like it.
Harry: You can’t see down the barrel of a gun!
Maurice: Yes, but-
Harry: And you can’t see Connery’s face!
Maurice: That’s because it isn’t Sean Connery- it’s Bob Simmons.
Cubby: Ah, that’s why you wanted to borrow him for a day.
Maurice: Yes, of course. It’s also why he’s wearing a hat.
1969. At the foot of Piz Gloria, Switzerland. Irma Bunt trudges through the snow and comes across Ernst Stavro Blofeld, hanging by the neck from a tree.
Bunt: Ach, nein, lieber Ernst! Lieber Ernst!
Blofeld: Ohh...
(She carefully disentangles Blofeld from the tree and carries him to a waiting car.)
Blofeld: Ahhhh…
Bunt: Lie still, mein Ernst. I’ll take care of you.
(She drives him to the nearest hospital.)
Dr: I’m afraid that Herr…. What was it again?
Bunt: Schmidt. Herr Schmidt.
Dr: ….Schmidt… Ja…. Herr Schmidt has suffered a serious injury to his neck. He is most fortunate to have survived.
Bunt: Oh….
Dr: However, if he wears a neck brace for some time I am sure he will make a complete recovery by, oh, two years from now.
Bunt: Oh…. Will be be able to drive a car?
Dr: Drive a car? How soon?
Bunt: Very soon.
Dr: Frankly I do not recommend that. If he does, even though he may recover he may suffer a relapse in about twelve years. In fact, he may need a wheelchair as well as a neck brace.
What should have happened-
1969. At the foot of Piz Gloria. James Bond is being licked by a friendly St Bernard.
Bond: Never mind that, go and get the brandy! Five star Hennesey, of course.
(He disentangles himself from the attentions of the St Bernard, then walks back up the run to where Blofeld branched off and is still hanging from the tree, just in time to see Irma Bunt trudging towards him.)
Bunt: Ach, nein, lieber Ernst! Lieber Ernst!
(Bond draws his gun and carefully puts two bullets in each of their heads. Satisfied, he turns and walks off humming a few bars of "We Have All The Time In The World"….)
Comments
@Mr Snow Very, very good 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
Thank you for the kind words chaps - glad you enjoyed it.
Sir Miles - you are exactly right, Liverpool is a City - not a town, so my bad on that one.
1981. London. James Bond is flying a helicopter with Blofeld, in a wheelchair, attached to one of the copter’s skids. They are heading for a tall chimney.
Blofeld: Mr Bond! Mr Bond! We can do a deal! I’ll buy you a delicatessen- in stainless steel!
Bond: (Hesitates.) Stainless steel, you say?
(He turns the helicopter around and heads back to land it.)
Six months later….
(A delicatessen in London. Bond is working behind the counter when Moneypenny enters.)
Bond: Good morning, madam, how can I help…. Moneypenny!
Moneypenny: I’ve been searching all over London for you.
Bond: Oh?
Moneypenny: Your resignation took us all by surprise, and you didn’t tell us where you would be working.
Bond: Well, I’ve always wanted a quiet time with my favourite foods.
Moneypenny: So I see. It’s… it’s very shiny in here, isn’t it?
Bond: Ah yes, that’ll be the stainless steel.
Moneypenny: A delicatessen in stainless steel? However did you find enough money to buy one of those?
Bond: Oh, I had some help from an old friend, shall we say.
Moneypenny: Look, James, we need you back at the office. A spy ship has sunk and it had a very important bit of technology aboard which we need to get back before the Russians get their hands on it.
Bond: You’ll just have to ask 008, I’ve quit.
Moneypenny: Queen and country, James.
Bond: (Firmly.) The answer’s no.
(The kitchen door opens. A bald man in a wheelchair comes in.)
Bald Man: That’s the new delivery here, Mr Bond.
Bond: Tell them I’ll be there in a moment, Ernst.
Blofeld: Right-o.
(He goes back to the kitchen.)
Moneypenny: Ernst…? You don’t mean…?
Bond: No idea what you’re talking about, Moneypenny. Now, unless you want to buy something I suggest you go back to the office and tell them I said “no”.
🤣🤣🤣
Bond and Blofeld are busy serving at the delicatessen, when some familiar faces drop by, tipped off by Moneypenny.
M: This will not stand.
Bond: It will. It's made of stainless steel.
Sir Frederick Gray (to M): Your man should be taken off the food court.
Bond: Moneypenny, I should put you over my knee!
Moneypenny: On avocado salad and ciabatta toasties? I'd like to see you try!
Blofeld (to Monepenny, who suddenly falls into a trance): Do you remember when you first came here? How you hated chicken and chorizo bites? How you were sick when you even saw one? But all of that is over now. I have taught you to love chicken and chorizo bites...
Admiral Roebuck: That's it, we've seen enough. This is a military matter now. One strike and we take out half the world's mushroom fondue and mint aiolo.
Blofeld: Close stainless steel shutters.
Bond: Stainless steel shutters closing.
😁😁😁👍
Ah, I recognize that. Now, was that from "You Only Liverwurst Twice" or "The Spy Who Loved Meatloaf"?
By Thunderpussy and Barbel-
1983. An agent’s office in London. No, a theatrical agent. Rowan Atkinson enters.
Agent: Hi Rowan, how are you? How's your plan for that Blackadder thing working out?
Atkinson: All fine, thank you. “Blackadder” is taking shape quite nicely.
Agent: A cunning plan eh? How do you fancy a break? A part in a guaranteed multi-million success?
Atkinson: I could be persuaded. If the money's right ... eh? I mean If the role offers me a chance to stretch my acting talent, I'm very much a working thespian these days. What’s the part?
Agent: Well, there’s a new James Bond film being shot.
Atkinson: James Bond…?
(He unconsciously adopts the Bond pose, holding his right forefinger over his left shoulder as he thinks... I'd better start training, in the gym. Some weights and cardio exercises. I knew this day would come. I won't let you down ...)
Agent: Alas, no, you won’t be playing James Bond.
Atkinson: Ah, pity. I have some ideas along those lines. M then? I'd love to play "Older", to show my vast range of characters. A limp perhaps or how about in drag? Ever think of a female M ?
Agent: Sadly no, Not M.
Atkinson: Moneypenny then, I could drag up for that, I'm very impressive in a backless dress and a wimple!
Agent: No sorry, it's ........
Atkinson: Still, I take it I’ll be working with Roger Moore? We can exchange anecdotes on showbiz. He did Ivanhoe didn't he? We can talk about working in tights.
Agent: Again no, there are two Bond films being made this year.
Atkinson: Two? Well who's playing Bond in the other? Lazenby's not back, is he?
Agent: You’ll be working with Sean Connery.
Atkinson: I thought he said he’d never play James Bond again.... and then again.
Agent: Funny you should say that. Anyway, he’s been persuaded. Great script, stunts and as for the score, you haven't heard the like of it before!
Atkinson: Do I play the villain, then? I can really let loose my inner "Bad Guy"! Electrocute a henchman or maybe feed one to a shark so his head could be bobbing in the sea. Have you heard me say "Bob"? It always gets a laugh, so it would be a change to get a grimace from it.
Agent: No, you’re the comedy relief.
(A silent pause stretches out........... )
Atkinson: Then I don’t think I want to do that. I’m trying to become a more serious actor these days and cut down on the comedy. I have an idea to do a Scooby Doo film and also a character who doesn't speak at all.
Agent: You sure?
Atkinson: Yes, I don’t want to play the clown in Pinewood Studios or wherever. My art is everything to me now I don't think there's anything you could say to persuade me.
Agent: This is the payment (The agent pushes a piece of paper across the table.) and all your scenes are in the Bahamas.
Atkinson: Very well. I accept. A man may act for many things, His country, his principles, his friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But I'd mud wrestle my own mother for a tonne of cash, an amusing clock, and a sack of French porn. You're on!
Agent: Good! Glad to hear it.
Atkinson: Shall I do it with an accent? I could do a Scottish accent.
Agent: You’re wanting to try a Scottish accent in a film starring Sean Connery?
Atkinson: Perhaps not. How about Irish or Welsh?
Agent: No, just be an English Johnny.
Atkinson: English Johnny…. Hmmm….
😂😂😂 Excellent stuff, chaps!
Thank you, CHB! 🙂
1987. A yacht off Gibraltar.
Bond: (On telephone.) Tell them I’ll report in an hour.
(Linda, an attractive lady holds a drink out to him.)
Linda: Won’t you join me?
Bond: (Still on phone.) Better make that two.
(Two hours later Bond reports to M.)
M: Where the devil have you been?
Bond: Well, sir-
M: One of your fellow 00s has been killed, along with three soldiers.
Bond: Yes, but-
M: Explosions reported, tourists terrified.
Bond: But sir-
M: You managed to make contact with us but claimed it would take two hours to report. Two hours!
Bond: Sir, you see-
M: The whole bloody rock isn’t even three square miles- how could it take you two hours to report?
Bond: (Knows he’s in trouble.) Ah… well…
2006. A figure approaches the Pearly Gates.
St Peter: Welcome to the Gates of Heaven. Please tell me your name.
Figure: Kevin McClory.
St Peter: And what did you do on Earth?
McClory: I made films- motion pictures.
St Peter: I see. Were any of these well known and successful?
McClory: Yes, indeed. Perhaps the most successful was one called “Thunderball”.
St Peter: Ah, that would be a James Bond film, I think?
McClory: Yes, a very successful one.
St Peter: Perhaps you directed this film?
McClory: Oh no, I was the producer.
St Peter: Most strange- I seem to recall that was produced by Harry Saltzman and Albert Broccoli. They told me so themselves.
McClory: (Scoffs.) Well, they would say that, wouldn’t they?
St Peter: Perhaps you wrote this film?
McClory: Yes, it was all my idea.
St Peter: Again, most strange- I am sure that someone called Ian Fleming wrote that one.
McClory: Don’t get me started! I came up with the idea for that and all the cinematic James Bond films!
St Peter: So you say you were the man behind James Bond?
McClory: I most certainly was!
St Peter: Well, please cross over the bridge just there through the clouds.
McClory: Thank you.
(McClory starts walking over the bridge. St Peter’s foot hovers over a pedal, then depresses it. The bridge rapidly opens, and McClory falls through with a yell. The bridge closes shut again as his voice fades away. St Peter smiles, then removes his white wig and beard to reveal a familiar face. He is approached by a figure carrying a cigarette in a holder in one hand and a vodka martini (shaken not stirred, of course) in the other.)
Figure: You handled that very well, Cubby.
Cubby: Thanks, Ian. Well, we’ve had plenty time to think this one out.
Ian: Shall we let the real St Peter out now?
Cubby: Yes, let’s do that. What then?
Ian: We go for a drink, of course.
Cubby: Ian, you've already got a drink.
Ian: And when has that ever stopped me?
(The two laugh as they walk off.)
🙂🙂🙂
Tom Jones [singing]:
He goes to court while others write;
He sues while other men just film.
They call him the mogul who takes all;
And his name's on 'Thunderball'.
He knows the meaning of success;
His writ claims more so he gives less.
He keeps SPECTRE from Roger's Bond;
And dines out on 'Thunderball'.
Any lawyer he wants, he'll get;
He will file any suit without regret.
His deals with Cubby are all gone;
'Warhead' goes on, and on, and on.
But he thinks that Sean is worth it all;
So he strikes like 'Never Say Never Again'...
[Tom Jones faints.]
John Barry:
I don’t think anybody really analysed what the hell he was singing about. And I still don’t know what the song is about to this day. But we were given that problem, and we had to live with it.
👍👍👍 That's excellent, Shady! Love it!
😀😀😀 Thanks
What average filmgoers do while watching a Bond film.
10. Admire the scantily dressed women (depending on your inclinations)
9. Admire the scantily dressed men (depending on your inclinations)
8. Admire both (depending on your inclinations)
7. Wish you could have that vodka martini now, not when you leave
6. Spot where it changes from studio to location and back again
5. Try to remember where you’ve seen a bit-part actor before
4. Wish you were really in the locations
3. Wish you had that car. You know which car.
2. Desire the gadgets presented by Q
1. Compare the actor playing Bond to one of his predecessors or successors
What Bond fans do while watching a Bond film
10. Read all the names in the credits
9. Wonder how to acquire the gadgets presented by Q
8. Spot parts taken from Fleming
7. Spot parts maybe taken from Fleming but details changed
6. Complain about Kevin McClory (if old enough to remember who he was)
5. Spot a bit part actor from two films ago. Name him/her.
4. Decide if you can last till tomorrow to watch it again
3. Start deciding where this film will go in your personal ranking
2. Try to spot Michael G. Wilson
1. Compare the actor playing Bond to one of his predecessors or successors
Average filmgoer watching TB:
Lust after Fiona Volpe (Luciana Paluzzi)
Bond fan watching TB:
Lust after Fiona Volpe (Luciana Paluzzi)
TB's director watching TB:
Lust after Martine Beswick (Paula)
😄😄😄
4th of June, 2022. M’s office. He sits reading a document, then presses a button on the intercom.
M: Moneypenny, get me Q.
Moneypenny: (On intercom.) Yes, sir.
(A few moments pass. M becomes impatient.)
M: Moneypenny, I told you to get me Q.
Moneypenny: (On intercom.) There’s no reply, sir.
M: What!
(He gets up and marches into Moneypenny’s office.)
M: Come with me, Miss Moneypenny.
Moneypenny: Yes, sir.
(They walk quickly down to Q Branch, picking up Bill Tanner on the way. Q is not present.)
M: Where the hell is he?
Moneypenny: I have no idea, sir.
M: Tanner! You of all people must know where he is!
Tanner: (Reddening.) You know about that?
M: I thought everybody knew about that. Now where is he?
Tanner: Well….
M: Tell me!
Tanner: He’s in Buckingham Palace, having tea and marmalade sandwiches with the Queen.
Moneypenny: Oh come on…
M: You’ll have to do better than that, Tanner.
Tanner: No, really, that’s where he is.
M: The day he has tea and marmalade sandwiches with the Queen is the day I shave my head and cut off my nose!
Part 2
5th of June, 2022. M walks into his office, looking rather different and rather sheepish. He goes to the intercom.
M: Moneypenny, get me Q.
Moneypenny: (Struggling not to laugh.) Yes, sir.
(A few moments pass, then Q enters.)
Q: Sir, you look very different today.
M: Never mind about that. So, you had tea with the Queen yesterday?
Q: And marmalade sandwiches, sir.
M: Yes, yes, and marmalade sandwiches. How was it?
Q: Very pleasant, sir. Except for Brian May popping up on random parts of the palace exterior and playing guitar solos.
M: You, er, didn’t happen to see any knighthoods lying around, did you?
Q: Why yes, sir.
M: Ah!
Q: But it had “Colin Firth” written on it.
M: Oh well,,, (It’s hard to tell if the look of disappointment belongs to Gareth Mallory or Ralph Fiennes.)
2013. Eon HQ, on an island off Japan.
MGW: Well, it’s time we started thinking about our next film. Any thoughts?
Purvis: We think we should bring back the idea of the indestructible henchman, a bit like Jaws or Oddjob.
Wade: Yes, we’re thinking of a character called Mr Hinx.
BB: (Being a child of the 60s.) Mr Jinks?
Purvis: No, Mr Hinx. He’ll be super strong and silent.
Wade: And we’d like to have a villain base like in the old days- perhaps this time out in the desert.
BB: Yes, good ideas, boys, but Michael and I have something to tell you.
Wade: Oh?
Purvis: What’s that, then?
MGW: We’ve finally, after all these years, got the rights to use S.P.E.C.T.R.E. and Blofeld in our films.
Wade: How did that happen?
BB: It’s a long story.
MGW: Too long for just now. However, let’s get on with including them in our next film now that we can.
BB: Yes, it’s time for their triumphant return! Now that we’ve got the rights, what could possibly go wrong?
Purvis: Great! Just one thing, though- have, er, either of you seen “Austin Powers: Goldmember”?
BB: No, I don’t think so.
MGW: Afraid not.
Wade: Excellent! Now, changing the subject entirely, let us tell you how we see the plot of this film developing….
This is for @chrisno1 and @caractacus potts https://www.ajb007.co.uk/discussion/55148/the-saint-in-the-sixties
1972. Eon HQ, in an apartment in Amsterdam. Cubby Broccoli and Harry Saltzman are talking with the director of “Live And Let Die”, Guy Hamilton.
Cubby: So Guy, you’re about ten days into shooting. How’s things?
Guy: Not too bad. I’m not too sure about this Sheriff Pepper character, though, he’s a bit over the top.
Harry: Nah, he’s funny, Guy, you gotta use him.
Guy: If you say so. Now, there’s something I have to talk to you about.
Cubby: Oh? What’s that?
Guy: It’s Roger- he’s too nice!
Harry: Yeah, he’s a lovely guy, Guy.
Guy: He’s too lovely!
Cubby: Is it because every time he has to punch a bad guy he says something like “I’m terribly sorry about this, old chap” before he hits him?
Guy: No, I can cut around that easily enough.
Harry: Is it because he closes his eyes when he shoots his gun?
Guy: No, I can just film him from the back.
Harry: Well, what is it then?
Guy: It’s that every time somebody calls him “James Bond” he stops and looks in the air, about six inches above his head.
Cubby: Old habits die hard.
Thank You, Barbel !
We aim to please here at AST.... er, I mean AJB.
1958. Goldeneye, Jamaica. Ian Fleming sits at his typewriter.
Anne Fleming: Ian, for heaven’s sake, will you stop battering away at that old typewriter?
Ian: Can’t stop now, my love, I’m on a roll.
Anne: Let me see.
Ian: No, don’t-
(Anne grabs at the manuscript.)
Anne: (Reading.) “It was a naked girl, her back to him…” Ian!
Ian: I’m introducing the heroine of this novel, Honeychile Rider.
Anne: But she’s naked!
Ian: Yes, she is.
Anne: This is worse than your last one, where Bond finds the girl Tatania naked in his bed at the hotel.
Ian: No, no, she wasn’t naked.
Anne: Yes she was!
Ian: No, she had black stockings and a black velvet ribbon round her neck.
Anne: Ian!
Ian: It’s true. She wasn’t naked.
Anne: Well, the girl in the novel before was.
Ian: No, no. Tiffany Case was wearing bra and pants.
Anne: I’m beginning to see a pattern here.
Ian: Why, whatever do you mean, darling?
Anne: I’ll let this go, as long as you promise that in your next book the first girl Bond sees isn’t wearing next to nothing.
Ian: Of course! I promise, my love.
2019. “Knives Out” premiere.
Charles: Ah, good evening Mr Craig.
Craig: Good evening, Your Highness.
Charles: Bit of a change for you from those James Bond films.
Craig: Yes sir, you might say that.
Charles: I remember that time you took my mother up in a helicopter and the two of you parachuted out above Wembley Stadium.
Craig: Ah… Yes, sir.
Charles: I was all worked up for a few moments. I, er, don’t suppose you fancy doing something like that again?
Craig: (Confused.) I’m not with you, sir.
Charles: Well, you know, you’re always doing these fantastic stunts. I know my mother enjoyed that one very much and I would like very much for you to do the same again. If you get what I mean, Sir Daniel…
Craig: (Light dawning.) Sir Daniel… Ah, I do see what you mean.
Charles: I mean, perhaps in your next Bond film you might like to include her in one of your stunts?
Craig: Well, I suppose she could sit in the Aston Martin while I turn it round and round very quickly and use the machine guns to kill off the bad guys.
Charles: Yes, yes, but…. Perhaps something more dangerous?
Craig: Maybe join me when I jump off a bridge?
Charles: Yes, that’s more like it!
Craig: Of course she’d have to hold on to the safety rope.
Charles: (Disappointed.) Ah, well, perhaps something else?
Craig: Well, I guess she could stand with me while I watch some missiles land in front of me?
Charles: Doesn’t sound very dangerous.
Craig: Oh I assure you sir, it most certainly will be.
As a follow-on to #2061
[Gibralter, 1987. Aboard Linda's yacht.]
Linda:
It's all so boring here, Margot. There's nothing but playboys and tennis pros. If only I could find a real man.
Bond [parachuting in]:
I need to use your phone. She'll call you back.
Linda:
Who are you?
Bond:
Bond. James Bond. Exercise control, OO7 here. I'll report in an hour.
Linda [holding out a drink to him]:
Won't you join me?
Bond:
Better make that two.
[Two hours later...]
Goodness me, is that the time? Well, it's been great to have had this conversation with you, Linda. We've cared, shared, drunk your wine and related to each other with authentic empathy in a platonic context. You've patiently heard me out on my reconstructed view that monogamy with a life partner is the only ethical way forward for relationships in the 1980s, and you've accepted my socially aware disavowal of phallocentric paradigms of sexual politics...but now I really must get back to Exercise Control!
[Bond gives a farewell wave then dives overboard for his swim to the shore.]
Linda
[Phones her friend back.] It's more boring here than ever, Margot. There's nothing but playboys, tennis pros, misty-eyed 'new men' from MI6 with 'right on' attitudes... and a-ha!
With thanks to the guys at https://www.ajb007.co.uk/discussion/55108/what-would-be-a-better-title-than-licence-to-kill
1989. Eon HQ, inside a giant golf ball in a cold location.
MGW: Cubby, we have a problem with the title of the new movie.
Cubby: “Licence Revoked”? What’s wrong with it?
MGW: Well, it appears that a survey carried out in, er, a certain very important market shows that many people seem to think it’s about a driving licence.
Cubby: What? What do you mean?
MGW: A lot of people seem to think that it’s about James Bond having his driving licence taken away from him.
Cubby: That’s ridiculous!
MGW: Also they seem to want it to be spelled “License” rather than “Licence”.
Cubby: No way- it’s staying “Licence”!
MGW: It seems we have to think of a new title. Also, it’s very like a John Gardner James Bond book, “Licence Renewed”.
BB: How about “This Gun For Hire”?
Cubby: Can’t do that, it’s been done.
BB: That didn’t stop you with “Moonraker”!
Cubby: That’s totally different- it says “The”.
MGW: Well, we definitely have to think of something.
BB: “Bits Of Live And Let Die We Forgot To Include +Vague Ideas From The Man With The Golden Gun”?
Cubby: Don’t be silly, Barbara.
MGW: “Risico”?
BB: There he goes again with the short story titles- next thing he’ll be asking for “Quantum Of Solace”!
Cubby: Over my dead body!
(BB and MGW share a look.)
BB: Of course, Dad.
MFW: Whatever you say, Cubby.
Cubby: No, we definitely have to have the word “Licence”, because everybody knows James Bond has a licence to kill.
MGW: Say that again, Cubby?
Cubby: Everybody knows James Bond has a-
MGW/BB: “Licence To Kill”!
Cubby: “Licence To Kill”…. I can just see the poster now...
MGW: Oh no, I'm sure we can come up with a better one than that.
Cubby: Yeah! What could possibly go wrong?
1981. Eon HQ, in a building in Venice. Cubby Broccoli sits waiting. The door opens, and a very tired looking Michael G. Wilson enters.
Cubby: Michael, my boy! Glad to see you!
MGW: (Panting.) Glad to see you too, Cubby.
Cubby: Sit down, sit down. (MGW sits.) Been busy, have you?
MGW: You might say that. You know, of course, that “Moonraker” was a very successful film for us?
Cubby: Of course I know that.
MGW: It was a hit all over the world.
Cubby: Yes, and I’m very happy about that.
MGW: ...which means there were copies of it everywhere. Europe, USA, Asia, Australia, South America….
Cubby: Naturally.
MGW: So, when you told me to find every copy of the film and erase Dolly’s braces I had to go all over the world and find every copy.
Cubby: Yes….
MGW: I don’t think you realise how hard a task this was!
Cubby: Oh, I do, and Michael don’t think that I don’t appreciate all the hard work you’ve done.
MGW: Yes, Dad, but why on earth would you want me to do this?
Cubby: It’s all to do with the mystique of Bond. We have to give the fans something to worry about, to talk about, to dream about.
MGW: Surely you don’t think they’ll even notice this?
Cubby: I promise you they’ll notice. They noticed Bond’s facemask changing colour underwater in “Thunderball”. They noticed the car in “Diamonds Are Forever” going into the alley on one side then coming back out on the other.
MGW: But they won’t be talking about it forty years later!
Cubby: Oh, yes, they will. And we’ve just given them something they will never, ever stop talking about. They’ll watch the film in the cinema; they’ll buy the VHS and the Betamax tapes just to be sure. When there’s new technology, they’ll buy that and they will check and rewind.
MGW: No-one would do all that.
Cubby: No? Let’s just see….
1962. Pinewood Studios.
Harry Saltzman: So, Maurice, you have something to show us.
Maurice Binder: That’s right, I’ve been working on something to open the movie with.
Cubby Broccoli: Your idea being…?
Maurice: I thought we should have some sort of trademark. You said you wanted to make a few of these James Bond films, and it would be a good idea if we had a distinguishing opening to let the audience know these films are all one series.
Harry: Sounds good.
Cubby: So, what have you got?
(Maurice sets up a screen and projector.)
Maurice: Ready? Let’s see it…
(The screen goes black. A series of white dots move across the screen before one stops, opening out into a view down the barrel of a gun. A man walks on, turns and fires a gun directly at the viewer. A red wash descends.)
Harry: Wha…? What was that?
Cubby: Run it again, Maurice.
(Maurice runs it again.)
Harry: What am I supposed to be seeing? Is that the view down a telescopic sight?
Maurice: No, we’re looking down the barrel of a gun.
Cubby: Gunbarrel… I like it.
Harry: You can’t see down the barrel of a gun!
Maurice: Yes, but-
Harry: And you can’t see Connery’s face!
Maurice: That’s because it isn’t Sean Connery- it’s Bob Simmons.
Cubby: Ah, that’s why you wanted to borrow him for a day.
Maurice: Yes, of course. It’s also why he’s wearing a hat.
Harry: I don’t like it! It’s terrible!
Maurice: Perhaps if I just add this in…
Harry: Great! Let’s go with it!
What happened-
1969. At the foot of Piz Gloria, Switzerland. Irma Bunt trudges through the snow and comes across Ernst Stavro Blofeld, hanging by the neck from a tree.
Bunt: Ach, nein, lieber Ernst! Lieber Ernst!
Blofeld: Ohh...
(She carefully disentangles Blofeld from the tree and carries him to a waiting car.)
Blofeld: Ahhhh…
Bunt: Lie still, mein Ernst. I’ll take care of you.
(She drives him to the nearest hospital.)
Dr: I’m afraid that Herr…. What was it again?
Bunt: Schmidt. Herr Schmidt.
Dr: ….Schmidt… Ja…. Herr Schmidt has suffered a serious injury to his neck. He is most fortunate to have survived.
Bunt: Oh….
Dr: However, if he wears a neck brace for some time I am sure he will make a complete recovery by, oh, two years from now.
Bunt: Oh…. Will be be able to drive a car?
Dr: Drive a car? How soon?
Bunt: Very soon.
Dr: Frankly I do not recommend that. If he does, even though he may recover he may suffer a relapse in about twelve years. In fact, he may need a wheelchair as well as a neck brace.
What should have happened-
1969. At the foot of Piz Gloria. James Bond is being licked by a friendly St Bernard.
Bond: Never mind that, go and get the brandy! Five star Hennesey, of course.
(He disentangles himself from the attentions of the St Bernard, then walks back up the run to where Blofeld branched off and is still hanging from the tree, just in time to see Irma Bunt trudging towards him.)
Bunt: Ach, nein, lieber Ernst! Lieber Ernst!
(Bond draws his gun and carefully puts two bullets in each of their heads. Satisfied, he turns and walks off humming a few bars of "We Have All The Time In The World"….)