Cubby: So, Peter, how are we introducing George as the new 007?
Peter: I thought we’d go back to Dr. No and put your names on the gunbarrel sequence. A new Bond, the same Bond, but starting a new era so we introduce him the same way, close up shots, lighting a cigarette etc. etc.
Harry: I like that idea! The same gunbarrel?
Peter: He’ll do a different pose when shooting - kneel down or something.
Harry: Ok, ok, but George usually likes the girls to kneel down to him…(chortles at his own joke)
Cubby: So, Richard, how are we getting over the fact that Bond has met Blofeld before?
Richard: Plastic surgery is an idea.
Peter: No, no, no. I’m trying to make the definitive Bond film that relates to the books. Whose idea was it to film You Only Live Twice first, anyway? I mean, you have read the books haven’t you?
Cubby widens his eyes to Harry. Harry shrugs his shoulders back to Cubby.
Richard: He could wear a beard.
Harry: No, no, no. Bond with a beard, ridiculous.
Cubby: A Jason King disguise?
Peter: This is getting ridiculous, you’ll be wanting him dressed as a gorilla or a clown, next.
Cubby’s eyes widen and he makes some notes on his pad.
Harry: Or we could disguise Blofeld as a woman to throw Bond off the scent?
Peter: That’s never happening. Not on my watch.
Cubby’s eyes widen again, and another note is jotted down on his pad.
Harry: I could licence the Harry Palmer character (inwardly grinning at an extra fee) he could join Bond on the mission, he could even have a beard!
Peter: No, no. Please! You promised me full control on this movie. Maurice - you’ve been quiet - any ideas of how we can do this in the title sequence?
Maurice: Hmmm…I’ve been thinking… how about showing scenes from the previous movies to let people know this is still the same James Bond, just a different actor, then surreptitiously put a clock face with the hands going backwards to indicate that this movie is taking place BEFORE You Only Live Twice, henceforth negating the fact that they’ve met before?
Harry and Cubby (both together): No one will read into that.
Peter and Richard (both together): I love it!
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
1967. Eon HQ, behind a huge image of Anita Ekberg, Istanbul. Casting for “You Only Live Twice.”
Lewis Gilbert: Right, we’re looking for the henchman who gets killed by Bond’s missile-firing cigarette, thus allowing him to open the volcano and let Tiger and his men get in.
William Cartlidge: Shall I call the first candidate in?
Lewis: Sure, go ahead.
(William goes to the door and calls for the first candidate, who enters.)
Lewis: Come in, please have a seat. What’s your name?
Candidate: Anthony Chinn.
Lewis: Well, Anthony, we’re looking for someone who appears Oriental since this movie is set in Japan, and also looks sturdy enough to give James Bond trouble in a fight.
Anthony: I believe I fit that bill.
Lewis: Indeed you do, indeed you do. You also have to be working a control panel, which Bond will take over from you.
Anthony: That’s no problem- I’ve done that before.
William: What?
Lewis: You’ve done that before?
Anthony: Sure- in “Dr No”. Sounds pretty much the same thing.
Lewis: Well, I think we’ve found our man.
Anthony: I was in “Goldfinger”, too.
Lewis: And what did you do there? Did you fight James Bond?
Anthony: Oh no- I just gave him a drink.
William: Let me guess- vodka martini, shaken not stirred?
Anthony: No, it was a mint julep.
Lewis: You’ve got the part. Go see the secretary and do the paperwork.
Anthony: Yes, Mr Gilbert. But ...er… you wouldn’t have a part for my sister as well, would you?
Lewis: Your sister?
Anthony: Yes, she’s outside.
Lewis: Well, we are looking for a girl for the pre-credits sequence, one who can give Bond the very best duck.
Anthony: Shall I send her in?
Lewis: By all means.
Anthony: I’ll go and do that.
(He gets up.)
Anthony: Who knows, maybe I’ll be in another James Bond movie eventually.
1973. Jonathan Cape, Publishers. John Pearson comes in.
Publisher: Ah, have a seat John.
Pearson: Thank you. (Sits.)
Publisher: We were very pleased with your “The Life Of Ian Fleming” back in 66.
Pearson: I’m glad you liked it.
Publisher: Being the first biography of Fleming it sold very well, and the paperback did fine too.
Pearson: Yes, I noticed that.
Publisher: So, what was it you wanted to talk about?
(Pearson produces a manuscript.)
Pearson: I’ve been working on this.
Publisher: And what is this?
Pearson: After the Fleming biography I thought that there was only one way to go, and so I’ve written “James Bond: The Authorised Biography”.
Publisher: A biography of James Bond?
Pearson: Yes, I’ve discussed it with Glidrose and they’re happy about it.
Publisher: That was going to be the first question I asked! We can't go any further without their permission. However, how can you write a biography of a fictional character?
Pearson: Well, I’ve treated it as if Bond isn’t fictional. He’s a real man, Fleming knew him and was engaged by M to write his series of novels to make the Russians think that he was only fictional.
Publisher: But that’s unbelievable! The Russians would know he was real after all the adventures that he had against their agents- Le Chiffre, Mr Big, Rosa Klebb, Red Grant, Dr No and so on.
Pearson: The Fleming stories sowed the seed of doubt in their minds. They’d think no one man could have done all that- perhaps, they might think, it was just a code name shared by several agents.
Publisher: Code name? I’ve never heard anything more ridiculous.
Pearson: Yes, I agree it’s ridiculous but nevertheless Fleming managed to sell M on the idea and get enough information to write his novels, changing just enough details to keep the opposition unsure. And every now and then he would drop in something completely fictional like “Moonraker”, again to keep them unsure. Some would believe it, some wouldn’t. And the real James Bond would have a certain amount of heat kept off him and enough freedom to go about his business.
Publisher: So, your book…?
Pearson: Well, I’ve made it seem like my biography of Fleming brought me to the attention of Bond and M, and they contacted me to write a biography of Bond. I’ve covered some of the Fleming cases, added a few others, and written that they hope that perhaps this may again confuse the Russians as to whether James Bond is real or not.
Publisher: Hmmm…. Well, it’s been a while since we got Kingsley Amis to write “Colonel Sun” so perhaps this might be a good idea. All right, John, you’re on- we’ll publish it.
Pearson: That’s fine, I’m glad you like the idea.
Publisher: I'm pretty sure there'll be a paperback later, as well.
Pearson: Great!
(Pearson walks down the stairs and out to the car park. A dark-haired man with a scar down one cheek is waiting there leaning against his silver/grey car, smoking a Morland cigarette with three gold rings.)
Man: How did it go?
Pearson: They bought the idea. It’ll be published soon.
Man: Wonderful, thank you.
(They get into the rather beautiful 1964 car and drive off….)
202…? The new James Bond is driving his rather beautiful 1964 Aston Martin at speed through the country lanes in S/E England, an attractive lady in the passenger seat.
Serena: James, is it really necessary to drive so fast?
Bond: More often than you’d think.
Serena: I enjoy a spirited ride as much as the next girl but-
(The road leads onto a motorway, at which point a stylish red Ferrari driven by a gorgeous raven-haired woman overtakes them. Bond switches gears and accelerates.)
Serena: Who’s that?
Bond: The next girl.
(He overtakes the Ferrari, giving the driver a charming smile, but…)
Bond: Damn!
(Both cars come screeching to a halt in front of a red light with a sign saying “Road works. Finished by 2021”.)
Serena: James, stop this!
Bond: But of course.
(The light changes to green, and Bond courteously waves the Ferrari ahead. Both cars race through, knocking Cary Joji Fukunaga from his cycle.)
Serena: You’re just trying to show off the size of your-
(Again both cars come screeching to a halt.)
Bond: Oh, no.
Serena: What is it?
Bond: We’ve ended up on the M25. This queue will go on for hours.
Serena: But if we’ve stopped, why is your rev counter going so fast?
Bond: That’s not the rev counter, dear. (Sadly.) That’s the fuel gauge.
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Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
1987. Eon HQ, behind a public toilet in Bratislava.
Cubby: So, John, you’re happy to do the music for our new Bond film, “The Living Daylights” then?
John Barry: Of course, Cubby.
MGW: We were thinking that since the last title song “A View To A Kill” turned out so well that we’d team you up with a young group again.
John: Sounds reasonable, who are you thinking of?
Cubby: There’s a group called ABBA,they come from Sweden.
John: (Pleasantly surprised.) Oh, that would be excellent!
MGW: No, Cubby, they’re called a-ha, and they come from Norway. ABBA wanted too much money, money, money.
John: (Disappointed.) Ah.
Cubby: Whatever.
John: All right, can’t see what could go wrong there.
Two weeks later…
Cubby: Hey Michael, let’s go see how the title song is coming on.
MGW: Sure, let’s go.
(They walk down a corridor towards a recording studio. A man in full riot gear carrying a steel baton walks past them.)
Man: Morning Cubby, morning Michael.
Cubby: Was that…?
(The man opens the door of the recording studio and dives in.)
MGW: I think that was John Barry….
(They cautiously open the door and look inside. Barry is bashing one of the band members over the head with his own guitar while another band member is trying to shove Barry’s trumpet where a trumpet is definitely not supposed to go. Cubby and Michael stare wide-eyed at each other, quietly close the door and retreat.)
MGW: Perhaps we should go back to the office and see if we still have Duran Duran’s phone number….
Haha (or should that be a-ha?)! That ruckus sounds like a good night out at The 100 Club a few years earlier, in the heyday of punk!
1977
Cubby (to John Barry): Are you sure you won't come back on board for this one, John? This Malcolm McLaren guy has some interesting ideas for a collaboration between you and an exciting young band capable of lending the movie's theme song a real contemporary edge...
John Lydon (in a sneering mumble): That's *his* opinion... (To Barry, waspishly) Ooh, look... it's Mister Juke Box Jury...
John Barry: Are you serious, Cubby? This is crazy!
Cubby: Well, it *is* the Queen's Silver Jubilee year... and we're referencing the Union Jack in an innovative way at the start of the movie, so we thought maybe...
(The Sex Pistols break into 'God Save The Queen')
Cubby: I'm sure Her Majesty will be fascinated!
John Barry: And I thought *Harry* was tone deaf! That's like listening to the Beatles without ear-muffs! No way are we collaborating!
John Lydon (petulantly): Ever feel like you've been cheated? (Kicks over drum kit and smashes guitar.)
(The Sex Pistols and their entourage storm out, except for one punk girl who lingers, making starstruck eyes at Barry.)
John Barry: Where has everybody gone?
Chrissie Hynde: Are you sure a collaboration would never work, Mr Barry? I think it's gonna work out just fine...
Cubby: Okay, so what next...? (Opens little black book, humming 'The Entertainer'.) Now let me see... I'm sure I've got The Bee Gees' number here somewhere... (Hums 'You Should Be Dancing', tapping feet.)
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
😁 So glad the Pistols never got within a mile of doing a Bond theme. And yes, Barry got on a hell of a lot better with Hynde during TLD than Morton Harket and his friends. There's a story of her singing the words she'd written to his tunes in his flat to let him hear them, while he sat against the wall with a bottle of wine.
I like your foreshadowing of the TSWLM score at the end!
1962. Set of “Dr No”. Terence Young directs the decontamination by shower scene.
Terence: Now, Sean and Ursula, you’re going to go through this shower on a sort of conveyor belt.
Sean: Of courshe, Terenshe.
Ursula: Yes, Mr Young.
Terence: So, if you’ll both just strip off and-
Ursula: Strip off??
Terence: Yes, that’s right, you’re going to go through this shower and-
(Sean happily strips off, his history as a male model having made him quite used to this.)
Ursula: Nobody told me anything about stripping off!
Terence: Really? I’m pretty sure that it’s in the script which you read and approved of before signing on.
Sean: Yesh, come on Urshula, join me in the shower.
Ursula: No way am I going to strip off here, in front of all these people!
(The director of photography, the cameramen, the soundman, two best boys, three special effects guys, four set builders, and Harry Saltzman all tiptoe backwards.)
Terence: Now, Ursula, this is a shower scene and of course everyone has to take their clothes off for a shower.
Ursula: And another thing, how high is that wall that is supposed to be concealing me?
Terence: Oh, I don’t know, maybe a metre or so.
Ursula: Exactly! I want that wall raised till it comes up to my neck!
Terence: Oh, but that will take at least another couple of days for us to adjust it.
Ursula: Then that is exactly what you will do!
Terence: But-
Ursula: And I will be wearing a swimsuit when I do this.
Terence: A swimsuit?
Sean: A shwimshuit?
Terence: You mean…?
Ursula: Of course not, I mean a flesh-coloured one piece swimsuit! I do not want generations of adolescent boys rewinding the film to try and catch a glimpse of me.
Terence: Oh, of course not, Ursula, I don’t think that will happen at all….
Sir Miles: What harm did “Quantum Of Solace” ever do to us? Eh? What harm did “Quantum Of Solace” ever do to us?
Barbel: The editing?
Sir Miles: What?
Barbel: Well, there’s the editing…
Sir Miles: All right, that’s true, the editing.
Barbel: And Elvis. Worst henchman ever.
Sir Miles: Well, of course, there’s Elvis.
Barbel: And the death of Mathis.
Sir Miles: Well, that’s obvious. But apart from the editing, and Elvis, and the death of Mathis, what harm did “Quantum of Solace” ever do to us?
Barbel: There’s the waste of a great set up.
Sir Miles: What?
Barbel: It was set up to follow directly on from one of, if not the, best Bond films ever and they did next to nothing with it.
Sir Miles: Well, okay but-
Barbel: And Dominic Greene, a let-down after Le Chiffre.
Sir Miles: Yeah, well, of course but-
Barbel: And the way they built up the colour-themed names- Mr White, Mr Greene, Mr Slate- as if it was going to go somewhere important but it just… was nothing.
Sir Miles: Okay, okay, but apart from the editing, and Elvis, and the death of Mathis, and wasting a great set up, and Greene being a let down after Le Chiffre, and the colour-themed names going nowhere, what harm did “Quantum Of Solace” ever do us?
Barbel: And I haven’t even mentioned “Another Way To Die”.
Customer: And you sold me this box of James Bond films?
Assistant: Yes, madam.
Customer: I was led to believe it was complete, containing all the James Bond films. If you look at the box, it clearly says words such as “every” and “all”.
Assistant: That’s right.
Customer: Well, this is false advertising! It does most definitely not contain all the James Bond films!
Assistant: I don’t understand.
Customer: It doesn’t have “Casino Royale”.
Assistant: Yes it does. Look, it’s right here in between “Die Another Day” and “Quantum Of Solace”.
Customer: No, no, not that one- the one with David Niven from 1967.
Assistant: That’s not a James Bond film!
Customer: It most certainly is- look here!
Assistant: Ah well, that’s supposed to be a parody, you see, it’s not an official James Bond film.
Customer: (Examines box.) I don’t see anything here about including only the official James Bond films. It says “every”. It says “all”.
Assistant: Yes, but-
Customer: And another thing- it doesn’t have “Never Say Never Again”.
Assistant: Yes, but again-
Customer: Now don’t you tell me that “Never Say Never Again” isn’t a James Bond film- look here!
Customer: Go, read what it says just after Sean Connery’s name.
Assistant: (Reading.) “Is James Bond” ...er…. Do you know, I think I see what you mean. You mean this isn’t included in the box?
Customer: No, young man, indeed it is not.
Assistant: I think you’ve made your point. Do you want your money back?
Customer: No, I want those two films.
Assistant: What, the old “Casino Royale” and “Never Say Never Again”?
MGW: Thank you for coming, everyone, and I’m sure that we’d all like to thank Barbara for her wonderfully skilled piece of misdirection last week.
BB: It was all too easy, Michael, the press swallow anything we have to say to them.
MGW: Thanks to you, everyone now believes that we have done nothing at all for the last two years and will continue doing nothing at all for the next two years.
Purvis: Well done, Barbara!
Wade: Yes, well done!
BB: In fact, we have a fully completed screenplay all ready to go, plus all the locations scouted out, and most of the cast and crew selected.
Wade: Did everyone really believe that we’d sit on our behinds and just do nothing for two years then spend another two years sitting doing nothing?
BB: Well, the YouTube contingent certainly believe it and of course the fan websites believe it too.
Purvis: As if we would do such a thing.
MGW: Yes, old Cubby would never have let us just sit and do nothing. What a wonderful tribute to him that we didn’t waste our time by sitting doing nothing for two years then planning another two years of sitting doing nothing.
BB: Oh yes, we would never spend two years sitting doing nothing then aim for another two years of sitting doing nothing.
MGW: Of course not.
BB: What’s in the screenplay, Robert and Neal?
Wade: We went back through all the Fleming books-
Purvis: And made notes of all the sections that haven’t previously been filmed-
Wade: And found ways to combine them all together, in ways that will certainly keep all the fans happy.
BB: Yes, that was definitely the right thing to do.
MGW: Doing anything else would have been crazy.
BB: Almost as crazy as sitting doing nothing for two years and then planning another two years of sitting doing nothing would have been.
Purvis: But, Barbara and Michael, you still haven’t told us who will be the new James Bond.
MGW: That’s right, we haven’t.
BB: We’re just waiting for the right moment to announce it.
MGW: We went through a good few contenders, made a short list, and then selected the right person. That was certainly a good use of our time, much better than sitting doing nothing for two years.
BB: And would you like to know who it is?
Purvis/Wade: Of course!
MGW: Right, then…
BB: The new James Bond is….
Bride Of Barbel: Barbel! Barbel! Wake up!
Barbel: (Waking up.) Huh? What?
The Bride: You’ve been having that dream again.
Barbel: Oh, crap…. They really have been sitting doing nothing for two years and are planning to sit doing nothing for another two years! (He weeps, inconsolably.)
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,757Chief of Staff
Bond Fan visiting one of the UK's few surviving HMV stores:
Bond Fan: Good morning.
Sales Assistant: Good morning, sir, may I help?
Bond Fan (rummaging around in a plastic bag): Yes. (Produces a well-worn DVD box set, 'Bond 50: Celebrating Five Decades of Bond 007' and a crumpled receipt.)
Sales Assistant looks bewildered.
Bond Fan (officiously): I'm here to claim my free digital downloads of 'Never Say Never Again' and the 1967 'Casino Royale'!
Sales Assistant looks even more bewildered.
Sales Assistant: Sir?
Bond Fan (still officiously): This receipt is clear evidence that, prior to January 31st, 2018, I purchased a mis-marketed James Bond DVD set - thus (holding up the box set) - from your now defunct flagship store in Oxford Street! I'm here to claim the free digital downloads to which I am legally entitled!
Sales Assistant: Errr... just one moment sir... (Reaches for RT) Security to checkout!
(Scuffle. Mayhem. Bond Fan bundled out of store by Security, protesting vociferously. Lani Hall stops singing. Sales Assistant suddenly grimaces with a defeated look of disappointment in himself. Camera pans out to show M and Sales Assistant, as OO7, smartly attired, looking at the scene as video footage on a TV set in M's Office.)
Sales Assistant: Not too shabby, sir.
(H)M(V): But mayhem, OO7, mayhem! You should have studied the HMV Sales Assistants' Manual more carefully! Told him that the ruling he was ranting about applies only in respect of purchases made in the US, that its provision has long since expired and that, anyway, the liability was with Metro-Goldwyn Studios and Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment - not with HMV!
Customer Services Assistant: Either that or just sent him the downloads, sir... the films in question would at least have left him immobilised, hopefully bored him to death!
H(M)V: That's the kind of attitude that tempts me to close our remaining stores, OO7!
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
Teacher: ...and thank you, Mr Berg, for that exciting talk on tree bark. A very interesting contribution to our “Bring Your Father To School” day. Now, who’s next in the alphabet….? Ah yes, Mathilde Bond.
Mathilde: Yes, ma’am.
Teacher: Have you brought your father with you?
Mathilde: But of course.
(She whistles a few notes of the “James Bond Theme”, and Bond enters the classroom.)
Teacher: So, sit down and please tell us your name, sir.
Bond: Bond. James Bond.
Teacher: I see you filled out most of the paperwork. Do you exercise?
Bond: When I have to.
Teacher: Do you consider your employment to be psychologically stressful?
Bond: Sometimes.
Teacher: How much alcohol do you consume?
Bond: Too much.
Teacher: I see you left this final question blank. What is your occupation?
Bond: Well, it’s not the sort of thing that looks good on a form.
Teacher: And why is that?
Bond: I travel a lot. A sort of licenced troubleshooter.
Teacher: Could you be more specific?
Bond: I, er, help people with problems.
Teacher: Mmm, problem solver.
Bond: I’m more of a problem eliminator.
Teacher: Well, I’m not sure if we’ve learned very much but thank you anyway, Mr Bond, for coming along.
Bond: No problem.
(He presses a hidden button and a hatch in the ceiling opens up. Instantly Bond’s seat ejects him through the hatch, disappearing from view.)
Teacher: Fy faen!
Mathilde: Don’t worry, ma’am, he’s always doing that sort of thing.
What do you mean by "Morten Harket and his friends"? Morten, Pål and Magne were on such unfriendly terms the people working in the studio had to wear riot gear when the band came to reccord their albums ......
Comments
EON HQ 1968 - Script Discussion
Cubby: So, Peter, how are we introducing George as the new 007?
Peter: I thought we’d go back to Dr. No and put your names on the gunbarrel sequence. A new Bond, the same Bond, but starting a new era so we introduce him the same way, close up shots, lighting a cigarette etc. etc.
Harry: I like that idea! The same gunbarrel?
Peter: He’ll do a different pose when shooting - kneel down or something.
Harry: Ok, ok, but George usually likes the girls to kneel down to him…(chortles at his own joke)
Cubby: So, Richard, how are we getting over the fact that Bond has met Blofeld before?
Richard: Plastic surgery is an idea.
Peter: No, no, no. I’m trying to make the definitive Bond film that relates to the books. Whose idea was it to film You Only Live Twice first, anyway? I mean, you have read the books haven’t you?
Cubby widens his eyes to Harry. Harry shrugs his shoulders back to Cubby.
Richard: He could wear a beard.
Harry: No, no, no. Bond with a beard, ridiculous.
Cubby: A Jason King disguise?
Peter: This is getting ridiculous, you’ll be wanting him dressed as a gorilla or a clown, next.
Cubby’s eyes widen and he makes some notes on his pad.
Harry: Or we could disguise Blofeld as a woman to throw Bond off the scent?
Peter: That’s never happening. Not on my watch.
Cubby’s eyes widen again, and another note is jotted down on his pad.
Harry: I could licence the Harry Palmer character (inwardly grinning at an extra fee) he could join Bond on the mission, he could even have a beard!
Peter: No, no. Please! You promised me full control on this movie. Maurice - you’ve been quiet - any ideas of how we can do this in the title sequence?
Maurice: Hmmm…I’ve been thinking… how about showing scenes from the previous movies to let people know this is still the same James Bond, just a different actor, then surreptitiously put a clock face with the hands going backwards to indicate that this movie is taking place BEFORE You Only Live Twice, henceforth negating the fact that they’ve met before?
Harry and Cubby (both together): No one will read into that.
Peter and Richard (both together): I love it!
That must be imaginary, cos Harry and Cubby are actually agreeing about something!
1967. Eon HQ, behind a huge image of Anita Ekberg, Istanbul. Casting for “You Only Live Twice.”
Lewis Gilbert: Right, we’re looking for the henchman who gets killed by Bond’s missile-firing cigarette, thus allowing him to open the volcano and let Tiger and his men get in.
William Cartlidge: Shall I call the first candidate in?
Lewis: Sure, go ahead.
(William goes to the door and calls for the first candidate, who enters.)
Lewis: Come in, please have a seat. What’s your name?
Candidate: Anthony Chinn.
Lewis: Well, Anthony, we’re looking for someone who appears Oriental since this movie is set in Japan, and also looks sturdy enough to give James Bond trouble in a fight.
Anthony: I believe I fit that bill.
Lewis: Indeed you do, indeed you do. You also have to be working a control panel, which Bond will take over from you.
Anthony: That’s no problem- I’ve done that before.
William: What?
Lewis: You’ve done that before?
Anthony: Sure- in “Dr No”. Sounds pretty much the same thing.
Lewis: Well, I think we’ve found our man.
Anthony: I was in “Goldfinger”, too.
Lewis: And what did you do there? Did you fight James Bond?
Anthony: Oh no- I just gave him a drink.
William: Let me guess- vodka martini, shaken not stirred?
Anthony: No, it was a mint julep.
Lewis: You’ve got the part. Go see the secretary and do the paperwork.
Anthony: Yes, Mr Gilbert. But ...er… you wouldn’t have a part for my sister as well, would you?
Lewis: Your sister?
Anthony: Yes, she’s outside.
Lewis: Well, we are looking for a girl for the pre-credits sequence, one who can give Bond the very best duck.
Anthony: Shall I send her in?
Lewis: By all means.
Anthony: I’ll go and do that.
(He gets up.)
Anthony: Who knows, maybe I’ll be in another James Bond movie eventually.
Lewis: Unless you drop out….
Classy !
Excellent, and of course, the lovely Tsai Chin turned up in CR (2006) too!
Indeed she did 🙂.
Thanks guys!
1973. Jonathan Cape, Publishers. John Pearson comes in.
Publisher: Ah, have a seat John.
Pearson: Thank you. (Sits.)
Publisher: We were very pleased with your “The Life Of Ian Fleming” back in 66.
Pearson: I’m glad you liked it.
Publisher: Being the first biography of Fleming it sold very well, and the paperback did fine too.
Pearson: Yes, I noticed that.
Publisher: So, what was it you wanted to talk about?
(Pearson produces a manuscript.)
Pearson: I’ve been working on this.
Publisher: And what is this?
Pearson: After the Fleming biography I thought that there was only one way to go, and so I’ve written “James Bond: The Authorised Biography”.
Publisher: A biography of James Bond?
Pearson: Yes, I’ve discussed it with Glidrose and they’re happy about it.
Publisher: That was going to be the first question I asked! We can't go any further without their permission. However, how can you write a biography of a fictional character?
Pearson: Well, I’ve treated it as if Bond isn’t fictional. He’s a real man, Fleming knew him and was engaged by M to write his series of novels to make the Russians think that he was only fictional.
Publisher: But that’s unbelievable! The Russians would know he was real after all the adventures that he had against their agents- Le Chiffre, Mr Big, Rosa Klebb, Red Grant, Dr No and so on.
Pearson: The Fleming stories sowed the seed of doubt in their minds. They’d think no one man could have done all that- perhaps, they might think, it was just a code name shared by several agents.
Publisher: Code name? I’ve never heard anything more ridiculous.
Pearson: Yes, I agree it’s ridiculous but nevertheless Fleming managed to sell M on the idea and get enough information to write his novels, changing just enough details to keep the opposition unsure. And every now and then he would drop in something completely fictional like “Moonraker”, again to keep them unsure. Some would believe it, some wouldn’t. And the real James Bond would have a certain amount of heat kept off him and enough freedom to go about his business.
Publisher: So, your book…?
Pearson: Well, I’ve made it seem like my biography of Fleming brought me to the attention of Bond and M, and they contacted me to write a biography of Bond. I’ve covered some of the Fleming cases, added a few others, and written that they hope that perhaps this may again confuse the Russians as to whether James Bond is real or not.
Publisher: Hmmm…. Well, it’s been a while since we got Kingsley Amis to write “Colonel Sun” so perhaps this might be a good idea. All right, John, you’re on- we’ll publish it.
Pearson: That’s fine, I’m glad you like the idea.
Publisher: I'm pretty sure there'll be a paperback later, as well.
Pearson: Great!
(Pearson walks down the stairs and out to the car park. A dark-haired man with a scar down one cheek is waiting there leaning against his silver/grey car, smoking a Morland cigarette with three gold rings.)
Man: How did it go?
Pearson: They bought the idea. It’ll be published soon.
Man: Wonderful, thank you.
(They get into the rather beautiful 1964 car and drive off….)
Lovely stuff, Barbel. And true…? 😉
😉 It's as true as anything in that book (which I recommend to anyone who has not yet read it).
good one @Barbel
I just wish the Bond Biography was easier to find, it ought to be better known.
Thank you, @CoolHandBond and @caractacus potts
Here's Calvin discussing that book-
(58) 'James Bond: The Authorized Biography of 007' | Meet the REAL James Bond | Book Review - YouTube
202…? The new James Bond is driving his rather beautiful 1964 Aston Martin at speed through the country lanes in S/E England, an attractive lady in the passenger seat.
Serena: James, is it really necessary to drive so fast?
Bond: More often than you’d think.
Serena: I enjoy a spirited ride as much as the next girl but-
(The road leads onto a motorway, at which point a stylish red Ferrari driven by a gorgeous raven-haired woman overtakes them. Bond switches gears and accelerates.)
Serena: Who’s that?
Bond: The next girl.
(He overtakes the Ferrari, giving the driver a charming smile, but…)
Bond: Damn!
(Both cars come screeching to a halt in front of a red light with a sign saying “Road works. Finished by 2021”.)
Serena: James, stop this!
Bond: But of course.
(The light changes to green, and Bond courteously waves the Ferrari ahead. Both cars race through, knocking Cary Joji Fukunaga from his cycle.)
Serena: You’re just trying to show off the size of your-
(Again both cars come screeching to a halt.)
Bond: Oh, no.
Serena: What is it?
Bond: We’ve ended up on the M25. This queue will go on for hours.
Serena: But if we’ve stopped, why is your rev counter going so fast?
Bond: That’s not the rev counter, dear. (Sadly.) That’s the fuel gauge.
2022. Board meeting of the BBC. No, it’s still not that one- again, this is British Bulldog Ceramics.
Chairman: Well, I think we all owe a vote of thanks to our Marketing Director.
(Burst of applause.)
Chairman: Once again, he has successfully managed to get our bulldog into the latest James Bond film.
Marketing Director: Thank you, everyone, but I feel I must point out that after the starring part it had in “Skyfall”
our bulldog only played cameo parts in the next two films.
Chairman: No matter, no matter- each time our sales have increased!
Manufacturing Director: And our deliberate lowering of the breakability aspect of our product has resulted in a 50% increase in replacement sales.
Chairman: Excellent, excellent! There’s only one thing to discuss, then.
(There is a long pause. Eventually the Marketing Director breaks the silence.)
Marketing Director: And what is that, Mr Chairman?
Chairman: Why, how we’re going to persuade Eon to give our bulldog a bigger part in the next James Bond film, of course!
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Nice one, Shady! 🤣
Terrific Bulldog skits, Barbel and Shady.
I love that Daniel Craig is trademarked.
1987. Eon HQ, behind a public toilet in Bratislava.
Cubby: So, John, you’re happy to do the music for our new Bond film, “The Living Daylights” then?
John Barry: Of course, Cubby.
MGW: We were thinking that since the last title song “A View To A Kill” turned out so well that we’d team you up with a young group again.
John: Sounds reasonable, who are you thinking of?
Cubby: There’s a group called ABBA, they come from Sweden.
John: (Pleasantly surprised.) Oh, that would be excellent!
MGW: No, Cubby, they’re called a-ha, and they come from Norway. ABBA wanted too much money, money, money.
John: (Disappointed.) Ah.
Cubby: Whatever.
John: All right, can’t see what could go wrong there.
Two weeks later…
Cubby: Hey Michael, let’s go see how the title song is coming on.
MGW: Sure, let’s go.
(They walk down a corridor towards a recording studio. A man in full riot gear carrying a steel baton walks past them.)
Man: Morning Cubby, morning Michael.
Cubby: Was that…?
(The man opens the door of the recording studio and dives in.)
MGW: I think that was John Barry….
(They cautiously open the door and look inside. Barry is bashing one of the band members over the head with his own guitar while another band member is trying to shove Barry’s trumpet where a trumpet is definitely not supposed to go. Cubby and Michael stare wide-eyed at each other, quietly close the door and retreat.)
MGW: Perhaps we should go back to the office and see if we still have Duran Duran’s phone number….
Haha (or should that be a-ha?)! That ruckus sounds like a good night out at The 100 Club a few years earlier, in the heyday of punk!
1977
Cubby (to John Barry): Are you sure you won't come back on board for this one, John? This Malcolm McLaren guy has some interesting ideas for a collaboration between you and an exciting young band capable of lending the movie's theme song a real contemporary edge...
John Lydon (in a sneering mumble): That's *his* opinion... (To Barry, waspishly) Ooh, look... it's Mister Juke Box Jury...
John Barry: Are you serious, Cubby? This is crazy!
Cubby: Well, it *is* the Queen's Silver Jubilee year... and we're referencing the Union Jack in an innovative way at the start of the movie, so we thought maybe...
(The Sex Pistols break into 'God Save The Queen')
Cubby: I'm sure Her Majesty will be fascinated!
John Barry: And I thought *Harry* was tone deaf! That's like listening to the Beatles without ear-muffs! No way are we collaborating!
John Lydon (petulantly): Ever feel like you've been cheated? (Kicks over drum kit and smashes guitar.)
(The Sex Pistols and their entourage storm out, except for one punk girl who lingers, making starstruck eyes at Barry.)
John Barry: Where has everybody gone?
Chrissie Hynde: Are you sure a collaboration would never work, Mr Barry? I think it's gonna work out just fine...
Cubby: Okay, so what next...? (Opens little black book, humming 'The Entertainer'.) Now let me see... I'm sure I've got The Bee Gees' number here somewhere... (Hums 'You Should Be Dancing', tapping feet.)
😁 So glad the Pistols never got within a mile of doing a Bond theme. And yes, Barry got on a hell of a lot better with Hynde during TLD than Morton Harket and his friends. There's a story of her singing the words she'd written to his tunes in his flat to let him hear them, while he sat against the wall with a bottle of wine.
I like your foreshadowing of the TSWLM score at the end!
1962. Set of “Dr No”. Terence Young directs the decontamination by shower scene.
Terence: Now, Sean and Ursula, you’re going to go through this shower on a sort of conveyor belt.
Sean: Of courshe, Terenshe.
Ursula: Yes, Mr Young.
Terence: So, if you’ll both just strip off and-
Ursula: Strip off??
Terence: Yes, that’s right, you’re going to go through this shower and-
(Sean happily strips off, his history as a male model having made him quite used to this.)
Ursula: Nobody told me anything about stripping off!
Terence: Really? I’m pretty sure that it’s in the script which you read and approved of before signing on.
Sean: Yesh, come on Urshula, join me in the shower.
Ursula: No way am I going to strip off here, in front of all these people!
(The director of photography, the cameramen, the soundman, two best boys, three special effects guys, four set builders, and Harry Saltzman all tiptoe backwards.)
Terence: Now, Ursula, this is a shower scene and of course everyone has to take their clothes off for a shower.
Ursula: And another thing, how high is that wall that is supposed to be concealing me?
Terence: Oh, I don’t know, maybe a metre or so.
Ursula: Exactly! I want that wall raised till it comes up to my neck!
Terence: Oh, but that will take at least another couple of days for us to adjust it.
Ursula: Then that is exactly what you will do!
Terence: But-
Ursula: And I will be wearing a swimsuit when I do this.
Terence: A swimsuit?
Sean: A shwimshuit?
Terence: You mean…?
Ursula: Of course not, I mean a flesh-coloured one piece swimsuit! I do not want generations of adolescent boys rewinding the film to try and catch a glimpse of me.
Terence: Oh, of course not, Ursula, I don’t think that will happen at all….
2007. M’s office. She is speaking to Villiers.
M: ….so I hope that you’ve enjoyed your secondment to HQ, Villiers.
Villiers: Yes, ma’am, very much so.
M: Well, it’s time for you to go back to working in Jamaica. We may meet again one day.
Villiers: Yes, ma’am, thank you.
(Villiers gets up and leaves. M presses a button on her intercom.)
M: Moneypenny? Moneypenny? Oh, that’s right, I don’t have a Moneypenny again yet.
(She goes to the door and opens it.)
M: Would you come in, please?
(Bill Tanner enters.)
M: Sit down. Now, you’re here about the job of Chief of Staff.
Tanner: Yes, ma’am.
M: Your name is…?
Tanner: Bill Tanner.
M: How old are you, Tanner?
Tanner: I’m 31.
M: And you’ve been working for us for how long?
Tanner: Since 1946 ma’am. Previously I was a Colonel in the Sappers.
M: Sappers?
Tanner: The Royal Engineers, ma’am.
M: I see. What makes you think you are qualified for this job?
Tanner: I make a good secret agent- almost everyone who sees me forgets about me immediately.
M: Even if they have seen you before?
Tanner: Yes, ma’am, even if they have seen me three or four times before.
M: And you are good at keeping secrets?
Tanner: Oh yes, I never pass on information unless I'm asked.
M: Then I do believe you’ve got the job.
Especially for @Sir Miles
AJB HQ, inside a hollowed-out volcano.
Sir Miles: What harm did “Quantum Of Solace” ever do to us? Eh? What harm did “Quantum Of Solace” ever do to us?
Barbel: The editing?
Sir Miles: What?
Barbel: Well, there’s the editing…
Sir Miles: All right, that’s true, the editing.
Barbel: And Elvis. Worst henchman ever.
Sir Miles: Well, of course, there’s Elvis.
Barbel: And the death of Mathis.
Sir Miles: Well, that’s obvious. But apart from the editing, and Elvis, and the death of Mathis, what harm did “Quantum of Solace” ever do to us?
Barbel: There’s the waste of a great set up.
Sir Miles: What?
Barbel: It was set up to follow directly on from one of, if not the, best Bond films ever and they did next to nothing with it.
Sir Miles: Well, okay but-
Barbel: And Dominic Greene, a let-down after Le Chiffre.
Sir Miles: Yeah, well, of course but-
Barbel: And the way they built up the colour-themed names- Mr White, Mr Greene, Mr Slate- as if it was going to go somewhere important but it just… was nothing.
Sir Miles: Okay, okay, but apart from the editing, and Elvis, and the death of Mathis, and wasting a great set up, and Greene being a let down after Le Chiffre, and the colour-themed names going nowhere, what harm did “Quantum Of Solace” ever do us?
Barbel: And I haven’t even mentioned “Another Way To Die”.
Sir Miles: Don’t you dare!
2016. A well known retail outlet.
Customer: You there!
Assistant: Yes, madam, how can I help you?
Customer: You remember yesterday, when I came in?
Assistant: Yes, of course.
Customer: And you sold me this box of James Bond films?
Assistant: Yes, madam.
Customer: I was led to believe it was complete, containing all the James Bond films. If you look at the box, it clearly says words such as “every” and “all”.
Assistant: That’s right.
Customer: Well, this is false advertising! It does most definitely not contain all the James Bond films!
Assistant: I don’t understand.
Customer: It doesn’t have “Casino Royale”.
Assistant: Yes it does. Look, it’s right here in between “Die Another Day” and “Quantum Of Solace”.
Customer: No, no, not that one- the one with David Niven from 1967.
Assistant: That’s not a James Bond film!
Customer: It most certainly is- look here!
Assistant: Ah well, that’s supposed to be a parody, you see, it’s not an official James Bond film.
Customer: (Examines box.) I don’t see anything here about including only the official James Bond films. It says “every”. It says “all”.
Assistant: Yes, but-
Customer: And another thing- it doesn’t have “Never Say Never Again”.
Assistant: Yes, but again-
Customer: Now don’t you tell me that “Never Say Never Again” isn’t a James Bond film- look here!
Customer: Go, read what it says just after Sean Connery’s name.
Assistant: (Reading.) “Is James Bond” ...er…. Do you know, I think I see what you mean. You mean this isn’t included in the box?
Customer: No, young man, indeed it is not.
Assistant: I think you’ve made your point. Do you want your money back?
Customer: No, I want those two films.
Assistant: What, the old “Casino Royale” and “Never Say Never Again”?
Customer: That’s right.
Assistant: I’m not sure we have them in stock.
Customer: Then I shall be seeing you in court!
James Bond Complete Boxed Sets Class Action Settlement - Top Class Actions
2022. Eon HQ, in a Kung Fu school in Bangkok.
MGW: Thank you for coming, everyone, and I’m sure that we’d all like to thank Barbara for her wonderfully skilled piece of misdirection last week.
BB: It was all too easy, Michael, the press swallow anything we have to say to them.
MGW: Thanks to you, everyone now believes that we have done nothing at all for the last two years and will continue doing nothing at all for the next two years.
Purvis: Well done, Barbara!
Wade: Yes, well done!
BB: In fact, we have a fully completed screenplay all ready to go, plus all the locations scouted out, and most of the cast and crew selected.
Wade: Did everyone really believe that we’d sit on our behinds and just do nothing for two years then spend another two years sitting doing nothing?
BB: Well, the YouTube contingent certainly believe it and of course the fan websites believe it too.
Purvis: As if we would do such a thing.
MGW: Yes, old Cubby would never have let us just sit and do nothing. What a wonderful tribute to him that we didn’t waste our time by sitting doing nothing for two years then planning another two years of sitting doing nothing.
BB: Oh yes, we would never spend two years sitting doing nothing then aim for another two years of sitting doing nothing.
MGW: Of course not.
BB: What’s in the screenplay, Robert and Neal?
Wade: We went back through all the Fleming books-
Purvis: And made notes of all the sections that haven’t previously been filmed-
Wade: And found ways to combine them all together, in ways that will certainly keep all the fans happy.
BB: Yes, that was definitely the right thing to do.
MGW: Doing anything else would have been crazy.
BB: Almost as crazy as sitting doing nothing for two years and then planning another two years of sitting doing nothing would have been.
Purvis: But, Barbara and Michael, you still haven’t told us who will be the new James Bond.
MGW: That’s right, we haven’t.
BB: We’re just waiting for the right moment to announce it.
MGW: We went through a good few contenders, made a short list, and then selected the right person. That was certainly a good use of our time, much better than sitting doing nothing for two years.
BB: And would you like to know who it is?
Purvis/Wade: Of course!
MGW: Right, then…
BB: The new James Bond is….
Bride Of Barbel: Barbel! Barbel! Wake up!
Barbel: (Waking up.) Huh? What?
The Bride: You’ve been having that dream again.
Barbel: Oh, crap…. They really have been sitting doing nothing for two years and are planning to sit doing nothing for another two years! (He weeps, inconsolably.)
Absolutely brilliant 👏🏻👏🏻
🤣🤣🤣
Great work @Barbel , as always!
2022
Bond Fan visiting one of the UK's few surviving HMV stores:
Bond Fan: Good morning.
Sales Assistant: Good morning, sir, may I help?
Bond Fan (rummaging around in a plastic bag): Yes. (Produces a well-worn DVD box set, 'Bond 50: Celebrating Five Decades of Bond 007' and a crumpled receipt.)
Sales Assistant looks bewildered.
Bond Fan (officiously): I'm here to claim my free digital downloads of 'Never Say Never Again' and the 1967 'Casino Royale'!
Sales Assistant looks even more bewildered.
Sales Assistant: Sir?
Bond Fan (still officiously): This receipt is clear evidence that, prior to January 31st, 2018, I purchased a mis-marketed James Bond DVD set - thus (holding up the box set) - from your now defunct flagship store in Oxford Street! I'm here to claim the free digital downloads to which I am legally entitled!
Sales Assistant: Errr... just one moment sir... (Reaches for RT) Security to checkout!
(Scuffle. Mayhem. Bond Fan bundled out of store by Security, protesting vociferously. Lani Hall stops singing. Sales Assistant suddenly grimaces with a defeated look of disappointment in himself. Camera pans out to show M and Sales Assistant, as OO7, smartly attired, looking at the scene as video footage on a TV set in M's Office.)
Sales Assistant: Not too shabby, sir.
(H)M(V): But mayhem, OO7, mayhem! You should have studied the HMV Sales Assistants' Manual more carefully! Told him that the ruling he was ranting about applies only in respect of purchases made in the US, that its provision has long since expired and that, anyway, the liability was with Metro-Goldwyn Studios and Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment - not with HMV!
Customer Services Assistant: Either that or just sent him the downloads, sir... the films in question would at least have left him immobilised, hopefully bored him to death!
H(M)V: That's the kind of attitude that tempts me to close our remaining stores, OO7!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Too many free radicals, that's your problem!
Many thanks, Shady and Sir Miles.
With thanks to @Number24 for the Norwegian.
2022. A primary school in Norway.
Teacher: ...and thank you, Mr Berg, for that exciting talk on tree bark. A very interesting contribution to our “Bring Your Father To School” day. Now, who’s next in the alphabet….? Ah yes, Mathilde Bond.
Mathilde: Yes, ma’am.
Teacher: Have you brought your father with you?
Mathilde: But of course.
(She whistles a few notes of the “James Bond Theme”, and Bond enters the classroom.)
Teacher: So, sit down and please tell us your name, sir.
Bond: Bond. James Bond.
Teacher: I see you filled out most of the paperwork. Do you exercise?
Bond: When I have to.
Teacher: Do you consider your employment to be psychologically stressful?
Bond: Sometimes.
Teacher: How much alcohol do you consume?
Bond: Too much.
Teacher: I see you left this final question blank. What is your occupation?
Bond: Well, it’s not the sort of thing that looks good on a form.
Teacher: And why is that?
Bond: I travel a lot. A sort of licenced troubleshooter.
Teacher: Could you be more specific?
Bond: I, er, help people with problems.
Teacher: Mmm, problem solver.
Bond: I’m more of a problem eliminator.
Teacher: Well, I’m not sure if we’ve learned very much but thank you anyway, Mr Bond, for coming along.
Bond: No problem.
(He presses a hidden button and a hatch in the ceiling opens up. Instantly Bond’s seat ejects him through the hatch, disappearing from view.)
Teacher: Fy faen!
Mathilde: Don’t worry, ma’am, he’s always doing that sort of thing.
What do you mean by "Morten Harket and his friends"? Morten, Pål and Magne were on such unfriendly terms the people working in the studio had to wear riot gear when the band came to reccord their albums ......
Like John Barry in post 2098?