Spielberg: Yes, hallo Cubby. I haven’t changed my mind, I don’t want to direct your next James Bond movie unless you meet my conditions.
Cubby: No, no, it isn’t that. Listen, in the movie we’re making right now, “Moonraker”, we have a spot where I think it would be very funny if we can use the main theme from “Close Encounters Of The Third Kind”.
Spielberg: Oh yes?
Cubby: So I’d like your permission if we could use those five notes.
Spielberg: Well, I don’t know about that…
Cubby: Just those five notes. It’ll be a great joke.
Spielberg: Well, okay, but I might want a similar favour from you one day.
Cubby: Sure! Thanks Steven!
1985. Steven Spielberg calls Cubby Broccoli.
Spielberg: Hallo? Cubby?
Cubby: Yes, hallo Steven. I haven’t changed my mind, I won’t meet your conditions to direct the next James Bond movie.
Spielberg: No, no, it isn’t that. Listen, you remember I gave you permission to use the main theme from “Close Encounters Of The Third Kind” in "Moonraker”?
Cubby: Yes….
Spielberg: And I said I might want a similar favour from you one day?
Cubby: Yes….
Spielberg: Well, I want to use a bit of the “James Bond Theme” in “The Goonies”.
Moneypenny: ...and after work we could go for a nice dinner together, then back to my place, and….?
Bond: Ah, Moneypenny, if only I-
(The intercom buzzes.)
M. (On intercom.) Moneypenny, is 007 there yet?
Moneypenny: Yes, sir.
M: Well, send him in. At once!
(Moneypenny gives Bond one last lingering look as he goes into M’s office.)
M: There you are, 007, at last. What’s the meaning of this?
(He waves a document at Bond.)
Bond: I would have thought it to be perfectly clear, sir.
M: 15 months paternity leave? Are you having a joke?
Bond: No, sir. That is the norm in Norway.
M: What do you mean, Norway? You’re here, aren’t you?
Bond: Yes, sir, but my wife and expected child will be in Norway.
M: Your wife????
Bond: Dr Swann and I got married very quietly. Our child is due very soon.
M: Yes, but-
Bond: We got married under Norwegian law. (Consults a notebook.) I am entitled to 15 mon… Oh, my apologies, sir. I am entitled to 15 weeks paternity leave.
M: But, 007, you can’t do this! Suppose Spectre steals some atomic bombs and holds the West to ransom? Suppose some crazed megarich industrialist decides to start World War Three by stealing spaceships or submarines belonging to a major world power, or even Britain?
Bond: Then you’ll just have to send 008, sir.
M: And this invoice from Q Branch?
Bond: Well, Madeleine wasn’t happy about the baby seat being ejectable so that had to be removed.
M: Ejectable baby seat?
Bond: I tried to tell her it would be cheaper to have a parachute attached, but she wouldn’t hear of it. Don’t worry about the expense, sir, I’m sure that’s recoverable from the Norwegian government.
M: And Dr Swann?
Bond: I believe she submitted a report on her visit to Blofeld. She says he is still insane. Last week he was planning his birthday- she said it was an eye-rolling experience.
(Bond makes to leave.)
M: And where do you think you’re going?
Bond: (Producing an airline ticket.) Norway, sir. I’ve just got time to catch the next flight out.
Part Two of the above, again in collaboration with Number 24.
2016. Norway. Bond parks the Aston Martin outside Madeleine’s place. She comes out to greet him.
Madeleine: James, how is Mathilde?
Bond: She’s just fine.
(He reaches in to free Mathilde from her seat, accidentally pressing the wrong button. A compartment with a bottle of champagne and two glasses appears, and romantic music starts playing. He quickly fumbles to shut it down and free the child from her seat.)
Madeleine: I’ve managed to get leave from London.
Bond: You know, I think I’m starting to adjust to the local culture. The local cuisine is horrible, but when I was out pushing Mathilde the other day I shot a reindeer with the gun Q has installed in the pram. I’m glad he installed a silencer so she didn’t wake up!
Madeleine: I’m glad to hear it. And another thing- stop sleeping with the baby alarm underneath your pillow!
Bond: Old habits die hard, my love.
Madeleine: We’re coming to the end of your paternity leave. You know, James, if you’re going to be a father to Mathilde I don’t mean paying child support and telling Moneypenny to buy her presents.
Bond: Really? But Kissy is fine with….
(He sees the death glare in Madeleine’s eyes and quickly shuts up before the hole he’s in gets deeper. They enter the chalet. Bond begins to warm a milk bottle with one hand while mixing a vodka martini with the other.)
Madeleine: Oh James… if only I could be sure you’ll be coming back from London when your leave is over.
Bond: Madeleine, didn’t I put gold on your finger? (She begins to weep.) Don’t weep, my darling- this is no time to cry.
1974. Eon HQ, in a junk heading from the remains of an island. The junk has a cage with a little person inside it tied to the top of the mast.
Cubby: So, after the success of “Live And Let Die” Harry and I would like to ask you, Guy, back to direct our next James Bond film “The Man With The Golden Gun”.
Guy Hamilton: I’d be delighted, Cubby.
Harry: That’s good, we’re glad to hear it.
Guy: There’s just one thing though…
Cubby: Oh? And what’s that?
Guy: I don’t want to just do exactly the same thing as the last time.
Harry: No, no, of course not.
Guy: I mean, what do you have in mind?
Cubby: Richard?
Richard Maibaum: Tom and I have been working on the script. For starters, we want the pre-credits sequence to not feature Bond.
Guy: Not feature Bond?
Tom Mankiewicz: That’s right, we’ll see how deadly the villains can be and Bond will be the first person we see after the credits.
Guy: Will we be using any Fleming?
Richard: Well, a couple of character names.
Guy: How about M?
Tom: He’ll be there, a bit more grumpy than usual.
Guy: And the villain?
Tom: When he first really talks to Bond, he’ll be wearing a beautiful white suit.
Richard: And for a highlight of the film, we want to have an exciting boat chase featuring Sheriff J.W. Pepper.
Tom: Yes, we’ll be using him for comedy.
Richard: Bond will be sleeping with two different women, one of whom will be working for the bad guys.
Tom: Bond will get a bit rough with her and later she’ll be killed.
Richard: By the bad guys, of course.
Tom: The ending will have Bond make his way to the villain’s island, to save the girl.
Guy: I see.
Tom: And at the very end, after the main villain has been killed, his henchman will return just as Bond and the girl think they’re safe in their bedroom.
Richard: Bond will of course defeat this henchman.
Guy: So, nothing like “Live And Let Die” at all then?
Thanks, @chrisno1 - there's plenty more of that, of course.
1973. Eon HQ, behind a car showroom in Bangkok.
Cubby: Well, we’ve got a new James Bond in the form of Roger Moore so we have to give some thought as to how we’re going to do his first film.
Harry: We shouldn’t just do as we did with Sean Connery in “Dr No”.
Guy Hamilton: No, of course not. So, Tom, what are your thoughts?
Tom Mankiewicz: We should start with a British agent or two being killed.
Harry: Ok, fine.
Tom: And Bond is sent to investigate. When he lands at an airport, we should have some car action since this is early in the film.
Guy: Sure, makes sense.
Tom: Our villain uses the title “Dr” and is in charge of a mysterious Caribbean island which doesn't actually exist. We can just use Jamaica.
Cubby: Caribbean, that’s good.
Tom: And he uses superstition to keep the locals away from what he’s up to.
Harry: I like that!
Tom: His agents make several attempts on Bond’s life, including using poisonous animals planted in Bond's hotel room.
Guy: Great!
Tom: Bond meets up with Felix Leiter who assists him.
Cubby: Felix, yes.
Tom: And also Quarrel for local help.
Harry: Sure.
Tom: A beautiful woman tries to set him up for a trap, but Bond sees right through that- not before sleeping with her, of course.
Cubby: Of course.
Tom: Bond goes to the island on a boat, assisted by Quarrel and Felix.
Guy: Sounds good.
Tom: And after a fight to the death with the villain, preferably involving water, Bond blows the whole of the villain’s schemes up -rescuing the lovely lady, of course.
Cubby: That all sounds excellent.
Guy: Yes, I agree.
Harry: And not at all like “Dr No”.
(I may have done this one before, but am not going back through over 70 pages to check.😊)
Cubby: So, we’re all set for “The Spy Who Loved Me” then?
Lewis Gilbert: It certainly seems like it.
Richard Maibaum: I think the script’s all ready now.
Cubby: It sure better be- God knows how many writers have been working on it.
Lewis: Run through it one more time, Dick.
Richard: Of course. We have S.P.E.C.T.R.E. being led by Blofeld stealing nuclear missiles to threaten New York. They have an underwater base that can surface, robot sharks, and a gigantic henchman.
Cubby: Sounds just like what we want.
(Michael G. Wilson suddenly enters.)
MGW: Cubby, guys, I’ve just had news you gotta hear.
Cubby: What? Tell us!
MGW: Kevin McClory has announced plans for a James Bond film called “Warhead”. He has S.P.E.C.T.R.E. being led by Blofeld stealing nuclear missiles to threaten New York. They have an underwater base that can surface, robot sharks, and a gigantic henchman.
Richard: (Facepalm.) Oh God…
Lewis: That sounds very familiar.
Cubby: Any more, Michael?
MGW: Yes- he’s got Sean Connery.
Richard: (Double facepalm.) Oh God…
Cubby: Now don’t panic yet, guys, Roger has been doing just fine for us and I’m sure will continue to do exactly that.
Lewis: But we’ve already started on the sets, and hired that huge guy Richard Kiel to play the henchman.
Cubby: I can tell you’ve not told us everything yet, Michael.
MGW: No, I haven’t. (Sighs deeply.) McClory is threatening to sue if we use Blofeld, S.P.E.C.T.R.E. or any parts of his script.
Richard: (Head in hands on the table.) Oh God…
Cubby: We can handle this.
Lewis: But how?
Cubby: Richard, take out all mentions of Blofeld and his gang. Take out the robot sharks and the nuclear missiles.
Richard: I have to replace them with something, Cubby.
Lewis: Nuclear torpedoes?
Cubby: We have to think big- nuclear submarines!
MGW: Submarines?
Richard: We can use my tanker idea that we didn’t use in “Diamonds Are Forever”.
Cubby: Yeah, and let’s not threaten New York either. Think of some other threat we can use.
Lewis: We’ve already started building the underwater city that can surface.
1st Reporter: Mr Craig, is it true that this is a direct sequel to “Casino Royale”?
Craig: Yes, that’s right, we pick up only minutes after the end of that one.
2nd Reporter: So we meet Mr White again?
MGW: You’re just going to have to see the film to find that out.
3rd Reporter: We’ve heard that two of the villains are called Mr Greene and Mr Slate, so Mr White would fit right in there. Maybe Mr Blue and Mr Black as well?
BB: Again, you’re just going to have to see the movie.
1st Reporter: Mr Craig, is it true you were injured five times during this film?
Craig: No, no, not at all. It was only three.
2nd Reporter: And how are your wrists?
Craig: Just fine, thank you.
3rd Reporter: Well, we’re all looking forward to a fun James Bond film.
Craig: You can take your fun James Bond film and-
BB: Daniel!
1st Reporter: You’ll be driving the DB5, of course.
Craig: No, not in this movie.
2nd Reporter: Well, we’ll all enjoy you ordering a vodka martini, shaken not stirred.
Craig: Er… no, I don't.
2nd Reporter: At least we can all get excited when the film opens with the famous James Bond gunbarrel.
BB: No, we don't open with the gunbarrel.
3rd Reporter: Of course we’ll be meeting Miss Moneypenny?
MGW: No, not in this film.
3rd Reporter: Well, Q then.
Craig: No Q either.
2nd Reporter: I'm looking forward to the casino scene.
BB: No casino scene.
1st Reporter: Mr Craig, at least you’ll be saying “Bond. James Bond.”
Craig: Er… no.
1st Reporter: Mr Craig, Ms Broccoli, Mr Wilson- are you sure you've made a James Bond film?
MGW: So, we’re re-releasing all the Bond movies in new shiny editions with extras. It’ll be called the Ultimate Edition.
BB: Didn’t we just do that a couple of years ago?
MGW: Yes, we need something more…
BB: We could include more of the deleted scenes we have lying about?
MGW: No, I don’t think the fans would be interested in seeing those.
BB: Yeah, I suppose not.
MGW: I mean, why would the fans be interested in seeing the parts we cut out of the films?
BB: I can't think why.
MGW: How about a new commentary track?
BB: How about we ask a Bond actor to do that?
MGW: Perfect! Now… (He searches for a phone number.) Aha! (He dials.)
Sir Roger Moore: (On phone.) Hello?
MGW: Roger, it’s Michael and Barbara.
Sir Roger: Good to hear from you! How is everyone?
MGW: All fine here, Roger.
Sir Roger: How are your families?
BB: We’re all doing great, Roger, it’s lovely to hear you.
Sir Roger: Now, what can I do for you?
MGW: We’re wondering if you would mind recording a commentary track for one or two of your James Bond films.
Sir Roger: I’d be delighted, Michael, in fact, I’ll be happy to do a commentary for all of them!
BB: All of them?
Sir Roger: Yes, of course- no sense in going off half-cocked.
MGW: That’s wonderful, thank you, Roger.
Sir Roger: Do I have to comment on Grace Jones?
BB: Just be tactful, Roger.
Sir Roger: But of course I’ll be tactful, Barbara. Would you expect anything less?
BB: (Laughing.) Of course not, Roger.
Sir Roger: Then just send me the details and I’ll be there.
MGW: Thanks again, Roger. Goodbye now.
Sir Roger: Bye now.
(They hang up.)
MGW: Well, that was easy.
BB: Always a gentleman. Now, we do have to try to hit the jackpot…
MGW: What? Barbara, you can’t be serious.
BB: Everything or nothing, Michael. Let’s make the call!
MGW: Well, if you’re sure- but you do the asking!
(He looks up a number then dials.)
Voice on phone: Hello? Who’sh there?
BB: Hello, Sir Sean, how are you?
Sir Sean: I’m jusht fine, now who ish thish?
BB: This is Barbara Broccoli, Sir Sean, you of course knew my late fath- Hello? Hello?
MGW: I did try to warn you, Barbara.
BB: You try him! At least he knows you, I was just a kid at the time.
MGW: Well, if you want. (Dials.)
Sir Sean: Hello?
MGW: Sir Sean, this is Michael Wilson.
Sir Sean: Do I know you, Wilshon?
MGW: Oh yes, we met years ago. I was with my late stepfather Cubby Bro- Hello? Hello?
BB: What did he say?
MGW: I think we can take that as a no.
BB: Oh well....
MGW: What about Dalton? I don't think he's busy with one of his television projects.
BB: Don't you remember? He said he'd only do commentary in iambic pentameter and he'd get to do commentary on Pierce's films as well. Adults only rating guaranteed.
MGW: Yeah, you're right.
BB: I suppose we could ask Pierce Brosnan.....?
MGW: Are you kidding???? My ears are still ringing from the last time we called him.
BB: Well, maybe not. Still, there’s always George Lazenby.
(They stare at each other, then burst out laughing.)
MGW: What about Dalton? I don't think he's busy with one of his television products.
BB: Don't you remember? He said he'd only do commentary in iambic pentameter and he'd get to do commentary on Pierce's films as well. Adults only rating guaranteed.
Comments
Strangly, yes. 😁
This sort of thing happens more often than you'd think .... 😂🤣🤣
Just be glad I didn't write you into it somewhere....
Oh, I'm very glad .....
2008. A hotel in Port-au-Prince, Haiti.
MGW: (Putting his newspaper down.) We’re looking for people to cast as background extras for a scene in our new film, “Quantum Of Solace.”
Man: Sorry, “Quantum Of….?”
BB: “Quantum Of Solace.”
Man: Oh, right. James Bond, isn’t it?
BB: That’s right.
Man: Do I get to hold a machine gun?
MGW: No, no machine gun.
Man: Maybe a machete?
BB: No, you don’t get to hold a machete.
Man: Well, what do I get then?
MGW: You’re holding a broom.
Man: A broom???
BB: Yes, I take it you know how to work a broom.
Man: Of course.
MGW: Then you’re hired.
Quantum of Solace - Swept Away - Bing video
Skilled hjelp is so hard to find these days! 😁
😁
1979. Cubby Broccoli calls Steven Spielberg.
Cubby: Hallo? Steven?
Spielberg: Yes, hallo Cubby. I haven’t changed my mind, I don’t want to direct your next James Bond movie unless you meet my conditions.
Cubby: No, no, it isn’t that. Listen, in the movie we’re making right now, “Moonraker”, we have a spot where I think it would be very funny if we can use the main theme from “Close Encounters Of The Third Kind”.
Spielberg: Oh yes?
Cubby: So I’d like your permission if we could use those five notes.
Spielberg: Well, I don’t know about that…
Cubby: Just those five notes. It’ll be a great joke.
Spielberg: Well, okay, but I might want a similar favour from you one day.
Cubby: Sure! Thanks Steven!
1985. Steven Spielberg calls Cubby Broccoli.
Spielberg: Hallo? Cubby?
Cubby: Yes, hallo Steven. I haven’t changed my mind, I won’t meet your conditions to direct the next James Bond movie.
Spielberg: No, no, it isn’t that. Listen, you remember I gave you permission to use the main theme from “Close Encounters Of The Third Kind” in "Moonraker”?
Cubby: Yes….
Spielberg: And I said I might want a similar favour from you one day?
Cubby: Yes….
Spielberg: Well, I want to use a bit of the “James Bond Theme” in “The Goonies”.
Cubby: But that’s our trademark!
Spielberg: It’s returning a favour, Cubby.
Cubby: Oh well, I suppose so.
(Six months later...)
(60) The Goonies data James Bond scene - YouTube
Cubby: (Grumbling.) That’s a damn sight more than five notes….
In collaboration with Number24-
2016. Miss Moneypenny’s office.
Moneypenny: ...and after work we could go for a nice dinner together, then back to my place, and….?
Bond: Ah, Moneypenny, if only I-
(The intercom buzzes.)
M. (On intercom.) Moneypenny, is 007 there yet?
Moneypenny: Yes, sir.
M: Well, send him in. At once!
(Moneypenny gives Bond one last lingering look as he goes into M’s office.)
M: There you are, 007, at last. What’s the meaning of this?
(He waves a document at Bond.)
Bond: I would have thought it to be perfectly clear, sir.
M: 15 months paternity leave? Are you having a joke?
Bond: No, sir. That is the norm in Norway.
M: What do you mean, Norway? You’re here, aren’t you?
Bond: Yes, sir, but my wife and expected child will be in Norway.
M: Your wife????
Bond: Dr Swann and I got married very quietly. Our child is due very soon.
M: Yes, but-
Bond: We got married under Norwegian law. (Consults a notebook.) I am entitled to 15 mon… Oh, my apologies, sir. I am entitled to 15 weeks paternity leave.
M: But, 007, you can’t do this! Suppose Spectre steals some atomic bombs and holds the West to ransom? Suppose some crazed megarich industrialist decides to start World War Three by stealing spaceships or submarines belonging to a major world power, or even Britain?
Bond: Then you’ll just have to send 008, sir.
M: And this invoice from Q Branch?
Bond: Well, Madeleine wasn’t happy about the baby seat being ejectable so that had to be removed.
M: Ejectable baby seat?
Bond: I tried to tell her it would be cheaper to have a parachute attached, but she wouldn’t hear of it. Don’t worry about the expense, sir, I’m sure that’s recoverable from the Norwegian government.
M: And Dr Swann?
Bond: I believe she submitted a report on her visit to Blofeld. She says he is still insane. Last week he was planning his birthday- she said it was an eye-rolling experience.
(Bond makes to leave.)
M: And where do you think you’re going?
Bond: (Producing an airline ticket.) Norway, sir. I’ve just got time to catch the next flight out.
Part Two of the above, again in collaboration with Number 24.
2016. Norway. Bond parks the Aston Martin outside Madeleine’s place. She comes out to greet him.
Madeleine: James, how is Mathilde?
Bond: She’s just fine.
(He reaches in to free Mathilde from her seat, accidentally pressing the wrong button. A compartment with a bottle of champagne and two glasses appears, and romantic music starts playing. He quickly fumbles to shut it down and free the child from her seat.)
Madeleine: I’ve managed to get leave from London.
Bond: You know, I think I’m starting to adjust to the local culture. The local cuisine is horrible, but when I was out pushing Mathilde the other day I shot a reindeer with the gun Q has installed in the pram. I’m glad he installed a silencer so she didn’t wake up!
Madeleine: I’m glad to hear it. And another thing- stop sleeping with the baby alarm underneath your pillow!
Bond: Old habits die hard, my love.
Madeleine: We’re coming to the end of your paternity leave. You know, James, if you’re going to be a father to Mathilde I don’t mean paying child support and telling Moneypenny to buy her presents.
Bond: Really? But Kissy is fine with….
(He sees the death glare in Madeleine’s eyes and quickly shuts up before the hole he’s in gets deeper. They enter the chalet. Bond begins to warm a milk bottle with one hand while mixing a vodka martini with the other.)
Madeleine: Oh James… if only I could be sure you’ll be coming back from London when your leave is over.
Bond: Madeleine, didn’t I put gold on your finger? (She begins to weep.) Don’t weep, my darling- this is no time to cry.
1979. California, at the game shooting part outside Drax’s chateau.
Police Captain: All right, tell me what we got here.
Officer: One body, sir, shot dead.
Captain: Shot?
Officer: Yes sir, from the position it seems the man was up this tree here (Gestures.) and was shot from over there. (Points.)
Captain: How many bullets?
Officer: Just one, sir.
Captain: One bullet? From over there? That’s some shooting.
Officer: Yes sir. Also, the man was dressed as an old-fashioned British gamekeeper.
Captain: Now how do you suppose that could be?
Officer: Beats me, Captain.
Captain: Now, this land belongs to the owner of that castle over there.
Officer: It’s a French chateau. Sir.
Captain: French chateau?
Officer: Brought over here brick by brick. It belongs to Hugo Drax.
Captain: We’re going to need a word with him.
Officer: I checked, sir, he’s outta the country.
Captain: Where is he?
Officer: Venice.
Captain: That’s only in Florida! That ain’t outta the country!
Officer: No sir, Venice Italy.
Captain: And how long is he gonna be there?
Officer: Not long, sir, he’s going to Brazil soon.
Captain: Gets around, doesn’t he?
(Another officer approaches, his face very pale.)
2nd Officer: Hey, Captain!
Captain: Yeah?
2nd Officer: You’re gonna want to see what we found in the woods….
1993. A theatrical agent in London. Ralph Fiennes walks in.
Agent: Ralph, good to see you! Have a seat!
Ralph: Thanks. (Sits.)
Agent: I have some really good news for you.
Ralph: Yes, I’ve heard. Timothy Dalton has quit the part of James Bond.
Agent: Yes, but-
Ralph: I’m just the right age, I’m 31, and I’m really looking forward to it.
Agent: Ralph-
Ralph: I take it you’ve had a call from Cubby Broccoli, or maybe Michael Wilson?
Agent: No, I haven’t.
Ralph: (Disappointed.) Oh.
Agent: I have, however, had a call from Steven Spielberg.
Ralph: (Interested.) Ah!
Agent: He has a part for you that I think maybe, just maybe, might put you in line for an Oscar.
Ralph: (Forgetting about James Bond.) Tell me more….
2005. A theatrical agent in London. Ralph Fiennes walks in.
Agent: Ralph, good to see you! Have a seat!
Ralph: Thanks. (Sits.)
Agent: I have some really good news for you.
Ralph: Yes, I’ve heard. Pierce Brosnan has been fired from the part of James Bond.
Agent: Yes, but-
Ralph: I’m younger than him, I’m 44, and I’m really looking forward to it.
Agent: Ralph-
Ralph: I take it you’ve had a call from Michael Wilson, or maybe Barbara Broccoli?
Agent: No, I haven’t.
Ralph: (Disappointed.) Oh.
Agent: I have, however, had a call from the Harry Potter producers.
Ralph: (Interested.) Ah!
Agent: They want you to play the villain, Lord Voldemort, in the rest of their series. At least four movies, maybe five.
Ralph: (Forgetting about James Bond.) Tell me more….
2012. A theatrical agent in London. Ralph Fiennes walks in.
Agent: Ralph, good to see you! Have a seat!
Ralph: Thanks. (Sits.)
Agent: I have some really good news for you.
Ralph: Well, I’m 50 now but I suppose I could still carry off the part of James Bond.
Agent: Yes, but-
Ralph: I take it you’ve had a call from Michael Wilson, or maybe Barbara Broccoli?
Agent: Yes, that’s right.
Ralph: Aha! (He adopts the Bond pose, his right forefinger over his left shoulder.)
Agent: Ralph-
Ralph: It’s been a long time coming, but finally!
Agent: They don’t want you to be Bond- they want you to be M.
Ralph: (Puzzled.) But Judi Dench is M.
Agent: In this film she dies and you become the new M.
Ralph: The new M….?
Agent: That’s right. Minimum 3 film contract.
Ralph: Tell them I’ll do it!
1974. Eon HQ, in a junk heading from the remains of an island. The junk has a cage with a little person inside it tied to the top of the mast.
Cubby: So, after the success of “Live And Let Die” Harry and I would like to ask you, Guy, back to direct our next James Bond film “The Man With The Golden Gun”.
Guy Hamilton: I’d be delighted, Cubby.
Harry: That’s good, we’re glad to hear it.
Guy: There’s just one thing though…
Cubby: Oh? And what’s that?
Guy: I don’t want to just do exactly the same thing as the last time.
Harry: No, no, of course not.
Guy: I mean, what do you have in mind?
Cubby: Richard?
Richard Maibaum: Tom and I have been working on the script. For starters, we want the pre-credits sequence to not feature Bond.
Guy: Not feature Bond?
Tom Mankiewicz: That’s right, we’ll see how deadly the villains can be and Bond will be the first person we see after the credits.
Guy: Will we be using any Fleming?
Richard: Well, a couple of character names.
Guy: How about M?
Tom: He’ll be there, a bit more grumpy than usual.
Guy: And the villain?
Tom: When he first really talks to Bond, he’ll be wearing a beautiful white suit.
Richard: And for a highlight of the film, we want to have an exciting boat chase featuring Sheriff J.W. Pepper.
Tom: Yes, we’ll be using him for comedy.
Richard: Bond will be sleeping with two different women, one of whom will be working for the bad guys.
Tom: Bond will get a bit rough with her and later she’ll be killed.
Richard: By the bad guys, of course.
Tom: The ending will have Bond make his way to the villain’s island, to save the girl.
Guy: I see.
Tom: And at the very end, after the main villain has been killed, his henchman will return just as Bond and the girl think they’re safe in their bedroom.
Richard: Bond will of course defeat this henchman.
Guy: So, nothing like “Live And Let Die” at all then?
Cubby: That’s right.
Guy: All right then, I’m in!
Harry: Excellent!
😀 very good. As an established Bond viewer, I am amazed I never noticed that.
Thanks, @chrisno1 - there's plenty more of that, of course.
1973. Eon HQ, behind a car showroom in Bangkok.
Cubby: Well, we’ve got a new James Bond in the form of Roger Moore so we have to give some thought as to how we’re going to do his first film.
Harry: We shouldn’t just do as we did with Sean Connery in “Dr No”.
Guy Hamilton: No, of course not. So, Tom, what are your thoughts?
Tom Mankiewicz: We should start with a British agent or two being killed.
Harry: Ok, fine.
Tom: And Bond is sent to investigate. When he lands at an airport, we should have some car action since this is early in the film.
Guy: Sure, makes sense.
Tom: Our villain uses the title “Dr” and is in charge of a mysterious Caribbean island which doesn't actually exist. We can just use Jamaica.
Cubby: Caribbean, that’s good.
Tom: And he uses superstition to keep the locals away from what he’s up to.
Harry: I like that!
Tom: His agents make several attempts on Bond’s life, including using poisonous animals planted in Bond's hotel room.
Guy: Great!
Tom: Bond meets up with Felix Leiter who assists him.
Cubby: Felix, yes.
Tom: And also Quarrel for local help.
Harry: Sure.
Tom: A beautiful woman tries to set him up for a trap, but Bond sees right through that- not before sleeping with her, of course.
Cubby: Of course.
Tom: Bond goes to the island on a boat, assisted by Quarrel and Felix.
Guy: Sounds good.
Tom: And after a fight to the death with the villain, preferably involving water, Bond blows the whole of the villain’s schemes up -rescuing the lovely lady, of course.
Cubby: That all sounds excellent.
Guy: Yes, I agree.
Harry: And not at all like “Dr No”.
(I may have done this one before, but am not going back through over 70 pages to check.😊)
😁😁
1995. A theatrical agent in London. Sean Bean enters.
Agent: Sean, my boy, come in! Have a seat!
Sean: (Sitting.) You said you had some news for me?
Agent: That’s right. You’ll have heard, of course, that there’s going to be a new James Bond movie?
Sean: (Interested.) That’s right, and Timothy Dalton has quit.
Agent: Indeed he has. Well, I’ve had a phone call from Michael Wilson and Barbara Broccoli-
Sean: Yes? Yes?
Agent: And they wonder if you would be interested-
Sean: Yes? Yes? Yes?
Agent: -in playing the part of 00-
Sean: Oh yes! (Adopts the Bond pose, his right forefinger over his left shoulder.) Yes!
Agent: 6.
Sean: (Baffled, his hand dropping.) 006?
Agent: That’s right, 006. You start off as James Bond’s friend but in the course of the movie you become the villain.
Sean: But… but… who’s James Bond?
Agent: Oh, that’ll be Pierce Brosnan.
Sean: Ah. (Sadly nodding his head.) Of course it will be.
Agent: So, what do you want me to tell them?
Sean: Tell them I want a death scene.
Agent: No problem, I’m pretty sure they were planning on one anyway.
Sean: No…. Tell them I want TWO death scenes!
Agent: Two?
Sean: I’m beginning to make a name for always dying in my films- so for this one I want to die twice!
Agent: You only die twice?
Sean: Make it three times if they like!
Agent: Let’s stick with two- I’m sure they can manage that.
1997. Baja California. James Cameron is filming “Titanic” in a huge tank. No, a water tank.
Assistant: Phone for you, Mr Cameron.
Cameron: Can’t you see I’m busy right now? I’ve got Kate Winslet on this tiny raft and Leonardo di Caprio in the water.
Assistant: It’s Barbara Broccoli and Michael Wilson. They say they have the tank booked for their film “Tomorrow Never Dies” from today.
Cameron: Tell them I’ll get finished as soon as I can!
(The next day. Cameron is busy directing di Caprio and Winslet in the tank.)
Assistant: Phone for you, Mr Cameron.
Cameron: Not now!
Assistant: It’s Mr Wilson and Ms Broccoli. They need the tank and they need it now.
Cameron: Tell them I’m going as fast as I can! I’ll get back to them!
(The next day.)
Assistant: Phone for you, Mr Cameron.
Cameron: I’m just coming to the bit where Kate pulls Leonardo out of the water and they talk as they’re rescued and the film ends.
Assistant: It’s the Broccolis again, sir. They want that tank and they want it yesterday if not earlier.
Cameron: Argh! Oh well, ok then. Kate, just let Leonardo stay in the water and die. Then we can all go home and let the Bond people have the tank.
1995. A theatrical agent in London. Billy J. Mitchell enters.
Agent: Billy, come in! Have a seat!
Billy: (Sitting.) You said you had some news for me?
Agent: That’s right. A part has come in which I think will suit you.
Billy: That’s good. What is it?
Agent: You’ll be playing an admiral- Admiral Chuck Farrell to be exact.
Billy: An admiral, eh? I enjoy pulling rank!
Agent: You have this absolutely gorgeous girlfriend. We meet the two of you at a scene in a casino
then later you have a pretty explicit sex scene with her.
Billy: (Interested.) Explicit sex scene, eh?
Agent: That’s right, and during this she kills you.
Billy: She kills me? She shoots me, or stabs me maybe?
Agent: No, no, she squeezes you to death between her thighs.
(Silence.)
Agent: Billy, are you all right?
Billy: Hmmm? Oh, sorry, I just sort of wandered off there for a moment.
Agent: So, are you interested?
Billy: Er… well, I suppose I could manage to fit it in.
Agent: Excellent! I’ll tell Mr Broccoli at once.
Billy: Mr… Broccoli?
Agent: Yes, this is for the new James Bond film, “GoldenEye”.
(Billy starts to laugh.)
Agent: What’s so funny?
Billy: Oh, nothing. It’s just that the last James Bond film I was in, I played a Captain.
Agent: What?
Billy: Yes, I played a Captain Pedersen in “Never Say Never Again”. I suppose I could look on this as a promotion!
Agent: Ah…. If I were you I wouldn’t mention that very much to them. Or indeed at all....
Nicely done, Barbel, I didn’t know of the connection.
Stick with me, kid, for eddukaksh... educka... learning stuff!
This explains everything!
1977. Eon HQ, in a hydrofoil off Nassau.
Cubby: So, we’re all set for “The Spy Who Loved Me” then?
Lewis Gilbert: It certainly seems like it.
Richard Maibaum: I think the script’s all ready now.
Cubby: It sure better be- God knows how many writers have been working on it.
Lewis: Run through it one more time, Dick.
Richard: Of course. We have S.P.E.C.T.R.E. being led by Blofeld stealing nuclear missiles to threaten New York. They have an underwater base that can surface, robot sharks, and a gigantic henchman.
Cubby: Sounds just like what we want.
(Michael G. Wilson suddenly enters.)
MGW: Cubby, guys, I’ve just had news you gotta hear.
Cubby: What? Tell us!
MGW: Kevin McClory has announced plans for a James Bond film called “Warhead”. He has S.P.E.C.T.R.E. being led by Blofeld stealing nuclear missiles to threaten New York. They have an underwater base that can surface, robot sharks, and a gigantic henchman.
Richard: (Facepalm.) Oh God…
Lewis: That sounds very familiar.
Cubby: Any more, Michael?
MGW: Yes- he’s got Sean Connery.
Richard: (Double facepalm.) Oh God…
Cubby: Now don’t panic yet, guys, Roger has been doing just fine for us and I’m sure will continue to do exactly that.
Lewis: But we’ve already started on the sets, and hired that huge guy Richard Kiel to play the henchman.
Cubby: I can tell you’ve not told us everything yet, Michael.
MGW: No, I haven’t. (Sighs deeply.) McClory is threatening to sue if we use Blofeld, S.P.E.C.T.R.E. or any parts of his script.
Richard: (Head in hands on the table.) Oh God…
Cubby: We can handle this.
Lewis: But how?
Cubby: Richard, take out all mentions of Blofeld and his gang. Take out the robot sharks and the nuclear missiles.
Richard: I have to replace them with something, Cubby.
Lewis: Nuclear torpedoes?
Cubby: We have to think big- nuclear submarines!
MGW: Submarines?
Richard: We can use my tanker idea that we didn’t use in “Diamonds Are Forever”.
Cubby: Yeah, and let’s not threaten New York either. Think of some other threat we can use.
Lewis: We’ve already started building the underwater city that can surface.
Cubby: Keep it- and keep the big fella, too.
MGW: Do you think we can get away with that?
Cubby: Let’s hope so….
PS Yes, I know the above is not 100% accurate! The true story is too long, intricate, and dull for here.
2008. Press launch of “Quantum Of Solace”.
1st Reporter: Mr Craig, is it true that this is a direct sequel to “Casino Royale”?
Craig: Yes, that’s right, we pick up only minutes after the end of that one.
2nd Reporter: So we meet Mr White again?
MGW: You’re just going to have to see the film to find that out.
3rd Reporter: We’ve heard that two of the villains are called Mr Greene and Mr Slate, so Mr White would fit right in there. Maybe Mr Blue and Mr Black as well?
BB: Again, you’re just going to have to see the movie.
1st Reporter: Mr Craig, is it true you were injured five times during this film?
Craig: No, no, not at all. It was only three.
2nd Reporter: And how are your wrists?
Craig: Just fine, thank you.
3rd Reporter: Well, we’re all looking forward to a fun James Bond film.
Craig: You can take your fun James Bond film and-
BB: Daniel!
1st Reporter: You’ll be driving the DB5, of course.
Craig: No, not in this movie.
2nd Reporter: Well, we’ll all enjoy you ordering a vodka martini, shaken not stirred.
Craig: Er… no, I don't.
2nd Reporter: At least we can all get excited when the film opens with the famous James Bond gunbarrel.
BB: No, we don't open with the gunbarrel.
3rd Reporter: Of course we’ll be meeting Miss Moneypenny?
MGW: No, not in this film.
3rd Reporter: Well, Q then.
Craig: No Q either.
2nd Reporter: I'm looking forward to the casino scene.
BB: No casino scene.
1st Reporter: Mr Craig, at least you’ll be saying “Bond. James Bond.”
Craig: Er… no.
1st Reporter: Mr Craig, Ms Broccoli, Mr Wilson- are you sure you've made a James Bond film?
2006. Eon HQ, in a hotel in Venice.
MGW: So, we’re re-releasing all the Bond movies in new shiny editions with extras. It’ll be called the Ultimate Edition.
BB: Didn’t we just do that a couple of years ago?
MGW: Yes, we need something more…
BB: We could include more of the deleted scenes we have lying about?
MGW: No, I don’t think the fans would be interested in seeing those.
BB: Yeah, I suppose not.
MGW: I mean, why would the fans be interested in seeing the parts we cut out of the films?
BB: I can't think why.
MGW: How about a new commentary track?
BB: How about we ask a Bond actor to do that?
MGW: Perfect! Now… (He searches for a phone number.) Aha! (He dials.)
Sir Roger Moore: (On phone.) Hello?
MGW: Roger, it’s Michael and Barbara.
Sir Roger: Good to hear from you! How is everyone?
MGW: All fine here, Roger.
Sir Roger: How are your families?
BB: We’re all doing great, Roger, it’s lovely to hear you.
Sir Roger: Now, what can I do for you?
MGW: We’re wondering if you would mind recording a commentary track for one or two of your James Bond films.
Sir Roger: I’d be delighted, Michael, in fact, I’ll be happy to do a commentary for all of them!
BB: All of them?
Sir Roger: Yes, of course- no sense in going off half-cocked.
MGW: That’s wonderful, thank you, Roger.
Sir Roger: Do I have to comment on Grace Jones?
BB: Just be tactful, Roger.
Sir Roger: But of course I’ll be tactful, Barbara. Would you expect anything less?
BB: (Laughing.) Of course not, Roger.
Sir Roger: Then just send me the details and I’ll be there.
MGW: Thanks again, Roger. Goodbye now.
Sir Roger: Bye now.
(They hang up.)
MGW: Well, that was easy.
BB: Always a gentleman. Now, we do have to try to hit the jackpot…
MGW: What? Barbara, you can’t be serious.
BB: Everything or nothing, Michael. Let’s make the call!
MGW: Well, if you’re sure- but you do the asking!
(He looks up a number then dials.)
Voice on phone: Hello? Who’sh there?
BB: Hello, Sir Sean, how are you?
Sir Sean: I’m jusht fine, now who ish thish?
BB: This is Barbara Broccoli, Sir Sean, you of course knew my late fath- Hello? Hello?
MGW: I did try to warn you, Barbara.
BB: You try him! At least he knows you, I was just a kid at the time.
MGW: Well, if you want. (Dials.)
Sir Sean: Hello?
MGW: Sir Sean, this is Michael Wilson.
Sir Sean: Do I know you, Wilshon?
MGW: Oh yes, we met years ago. I was with my late stepfather Cubby Bro- Hello? Hello?
BB: What did he say?
MGW: I think we can take that as a no.
BB: Oh well....
MGW: What about Dalton? I don't think he's busy with one of his television projects.
BB: Don't you remember? He said he'd only do commentary in iambic pentameter and he'd get to do commentary on Pierce's films as well. Adults only rating guaranteed.
MGW: Yeah, you're right.
BB: I suppose we could ask Pierce Brosnan.....?
MGW: Are you kidding???? My ears are still ringing from the last time we called him.
BB: Well, maybe not. Still, there’s always George Lazenby.
(They stare at each other, then burst out laughing.)
Thanks to Westward_Drift for the Dalton part.
Never let facts her in the way of a fun story. 😁
Personally I don't see why EON haven't gotten Lazenby and Dalton to do commentaries.
The only reason I didn't mention Dalton is that I couldn't think of a joke involving him!
MGW: What about Dalton? I don't think he's busy with one of his television products.
BB: Don't you remember? He said he'd only do commentary in iambic pentameter and he'd get to do commentary on Pierce's films as well. Adults only rating guaranteed.
Thanks W_D, it's in. 😊
You're welcome. I'm always ready to drop in a Dalton-themed joke when needed.
Edited to add: Come to think of it, a Dalton commentary on Die Another Day would be the funniest thing he's done since Hot Fuzz.