What follows in an excerpt from Timothy Dalton’s lost commentary track for Die Another Day, recorded in late 2016 for the Ultimate James Bond DVD/Blu-ray collection.
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Dalton: Hello, this is Timothy Dalton and welcome to the commentary track for …. what was it, “Spy Another Way”? I will be providing you with a completely unbiased commentary on this piece of.. er, film.
Here’s the traditional gun barrel sequence. Uh, what the f*ck was that? A low res cgi bullet flying right at me? I hope they have the sense to not to use cheap cgi through the film.
Okay, we’ve started. Surfing, eh? I keep waiting for “California Girls” to start playing. Right, they’re now on the beach. “Korea”, it says. Korea my arse, I know Wales when I see it. That rear projection is worse than Dr No.
Now, three guys, I wonder which one of them is…. Oh, right. (Sighs.) There’s Remington there. Again. This is the fourth commentary track I’ve done for Brozzer's films today. Thank God for scotch and cigarettes.
What do you mean "No Smoking in the recording booth"? F*ck you! Fleming's Bond smoked. I'm getting into character. I always smoke when I drink scotch. I dare you to watch this bloody film sober.
Where was I? Oh yes...at least we've passed the surfing part. They wouldn't be stupid enough to have more surfing later, that would be completely ridiculous.
Now Percy is taking the place of that man. Was he wearing two thick jackets under a wet suit?
Now we’re at a muddy compound. Well, this one here is obviously the villain. What did that subtitle say, "Colonel Sun"? That sounds familiar, I must have heard it before.
Those diamonds are less convincing than the ones lining the pig heart in my film.
Cover blown already. Britain’s best ladies and gentlemen.
Lots of explosions, again. I’m noticing a pattern with PB&J’s films. Here come the machine guns, again. I think he's overcompensating for something.
Oh, a chase scene. What's that, a hovercraft? Give me an oil tanker any day. This reminds me of the boat chase in the last film. Someone needs to tell the sound editor only one Wilhelm scream per movie.
Flame throwers. Against lots of mud. Yeah, that’s exciting.
Didn’t he throw away the machine gun? I can’t keep track, but apparently neither can the editor.
More bad rear projection.
“Saved by the bell?” Look, even “Mister Light Entertainment” can’t regurgitate these quips with any believably. The film critic for The Daily Mail in 1987 owes me an apology.
The North Korean army appears without a sound and without warning. Were their trucks invisible? Imagine, invisible vehicles in a James Bond film. Preposterous.
So Bond gets captured at the start? That's different. Still, could be worse- he could have died.
Right, the titles. He's being beaten up, fine. Strange, I think they're playing the music from another film by mistake- I could swear that sounds like Madonna!
Oh, I've just been told it IS Madonna. Oh well, at least she's not actually doing what she calls "acting" in the movie. That woman makes Denise Richards look like Jennifer Connolly.
“Sigmund Freud, analyze this?” Did Babs and Mikey crib the title song from that Bob DeNiro/Billy Crystal comedy? The lady torturing him is rather fetching. I hope she gets some good scenes.
After giving Tim Dalton a chance to air his thoughts on “Die Another Day”, Westward_Drift and I thought it only fair that Pierce Brosnan got to do a commentary for one of Dalton’s films.
Hi, this is Pierce Brosnan giving you a commentary on... which one again? I can never tell his apart. Oh yes, "Licence To Kill". I was all set up to do the other one until NBC renewed my contract for “Remington Steele” mere hours before it was to be announced. Those basta- hmm, what’s that? All right, all right, no swearing. Anyway, they forced me to go back to being Remington and work with Stephanie Zimbalist again. My god, she was a- what? All right, all right. I’ll be polite.
Gunbarrel… and there he is, Mr Laugh A Minute. Seriously, would it hurt to crack a smile every now and then? You're going to your best mate's wedding, after all.
And there's Felix. How come Dalton got Felix and Craig got Felix and all I got was that lousy Jack Wade? "Hey Jimbo!" "Do you do any gardening, Jimbo?" How come he stays alive and doesn’t have pieces of him chewed off by a shark, eh? Oh that's right, he was friendly with Cubby and family. Tim never had to put up with Wade. Or Purvis either (chuckles.).
Well, we're off to a wedding then.... Ah, of course, Felix is getting married. Can't see anything going wrong with that, now.
Oh look, it's Benicio del Toro! How young he is there! I guess he's the villain... oh wait a minute, he's the henchman so this other guy must be the villain. Hey, he's a bit rough on his girlfriend, isn't he? Definitely the villain.
Running around, shooting guns… what’s that ridiculous slow motion all about? Did Tamahori have a hand in this?
Right, plane and helicopter chase…
So he's jumping off now, going straight down. Pretty much like his career, then.
Here's the song. Not too bad, nearly as good as "GoldenEye". Maybe if they asked me I could sing them an ABBA song or two? ... What's that? ... No, I realise it won't be necessary now. Or ever.
How come I never got to do this kind of film? I asked Eon again and again for something dark and gritty and what did they give me? An invisible car and surfing over icebergs….
Excerpt from the unreleased Sir Roger Moore commentary for “Diamonds Are Forever”.
Moore: Hello, and welcome. This is Roger Moore and I’ve been asked to give a few words about this film.
Ah, there’s Sean Connery. Sean and I were always good friends, we have been for many years. I remember one time we went out to dinner- now, was it an Italian restaurant or an Indian one? There were a large number of splendid Italian restaurants close at hand, so many excellent ones that I’d hate to pick a favourite. Well, the waiter was very nice and when we arrived he said “Good evening Mr Bond and Mr Bond, I’ve been expecting you”. Oh, how we laughed. Well, I laughed anyway, Sean doesn’t like that sort of thing. He was an excellent waiter and I gave him a large tip at the end of the meal. Or perhaps Sean did, I can’t remember. The meal was good, too.
Now here’s Blofeld. Ernst Stavro Blofeld. He was in a lot of Sean’s movies. Never in mine, curiously enough- well, not by name. I did drop some bald-headed chap in a wheelchair down a high chimney though we never said he was Blofeld. I enjoyed shooting that scene- I was in a helicopter, you see, or at least my stunt double was and I was in the studio. We were supposed to be in London. Lovely chap, my stunt double, we became such good friends. That was in the early ‘80s. Now was that in my sixth or seventh James Bond film?
“Harry Saltzman & Albert R. Broccoli present….” I used to play backgammon with Cubby in between takes. We had great fun, and we were good friends. I used to say he was trying to get back the money he paid me to play James Bond.
Ah, there’s Shirley singing. Dear Shirley. We’ve always been such close friends. She sang the song for one of my Bond films, you know. “Moonraker”, I think it was. Yes, that’s right- (Sings.) “Moonraker! He’s the man, the man with the Midas touch”. Or something like that, it’s been a long time.
“Directed by Guy Hamilton” it says. Of course, Guy directed a few of the Bond films, including two of mine, “Live And Let Die” and “The Man With The Golden Gun”. “Live And Let Die” was my first, of course, and Guy certainly helped me settle into the part. He was a lovely chap and we became good friends.
Oh, I remember- it was definitely me who tipped the waiter.
Excerpt from Sir Sean Connery's unreleased 2016 commentary for "The Spy Who Loved Me".
Hello, they’ve ashked me to give shome commentsh on this film, “The Shpy Who Loved Me”.
Right, here’sh the gunbarrel and here comesh Roger. Dear Lord, what are thoshe troushersh like? Thoshe flaresh look like parachutesh!
Now we’re on a shubmarine. Humph, call that a shubmarine? Shee my movie “The Hunt For Red October” and you'll shee what a shubmarine looksh like! We had a casht of good actorsh in that, and Alec Baldwin wash there too. I wash the captain, and Sham Neill wash my right-hand man.
He told me he’d teshted for the part of Bond, and I told him not to bother with being a shexisht mishogynishtic dinoshaur- in fact he’d be better not being involved with dinoshaursh at all! Turnsh out I wash quite wrong about that.
Ah, dear old Bernard Lee. And there'sh Loish, too. I missh them. Would have been nice to have had them in "Never Shay Never Again" but Cubby wouldn't let Loish do it and old Bernard had died.
Now there’sh a lovely lady. Russian agent XXX, apparently. I wouldn't mind sheeing her in the flesh shometime. Hmmm? What'sh that? Ah, I'm being told she'sh married to one of The Beatlesh. Obvioushly not Ringo, didn’t know Paul wash free again.
Sho, he'sh shkiing now, ish he? Shkiing in the shnow. Or shomebody ish, anyway. If he won't even run without a double then I shertainly doubt he'sh going to shki.
Ah, he’sh killing off the bad guysh- one of them ish the one that wash with XXX earlier. Musht be a plot point.
Now they’ve got him cornered. He’sh heading for a cliff and… he shkish shtraight off! What the hell? Ah, he’sh got a parachute! With a Union Jack! That’sh a good shtunt and a good gag. Now thoshe trousher flaresh make shenshe! It wash foreshadowing!
Right, now we’re into the title shong. “Nobody Doesh It Better”, eh? Oh, you think not? I think you’ll find you’re wrong about that!
Excerpt from the unreleased 2016 commentary by George Lazenby on “Casino Royale”.
Lazenby: G’day, and welcome. This is George Lazenby and I’ll be doing the commentary for this Royal Casino movie.
No gunbarrel, eh? Straight in to… a toilet? Seriously, we’re introducing this James Bond in a lav? And wasn’t he supposed to be blond?
My God, those titles are bright! Wish I’d brought my sunnies so I could read them.
Thank God that’s over. What do we have now…..? Four old guys in a car. And they’re going to meet… James Bond??? This is James Bond? I thought the guy in the lav was James Bond! This guy ain’t blond either, and he looks old- as old as Roger Moore in “A View To A Kill”. Well, nearly. And what’s with that silly little moustache? I’ve seen this guy somewhere before… Got it, he was stealing diamonds in a Pink Panther movie!
Oh wait, I’m being told something… Wrong movie, whaddya mean “wrong movie”? This is ”Royal Casino”, ain’t it? …. All right, “Casino Royal” then, have it your way. …. Whaddya mean there’s another movie with the same title? …. Oh, right then.
Ahem.
G’day, and welcome. This is George Lazenby and I’ll be doing the commentary for this “Royal Casino” movie…. Okay, okay, “Casino Royal”, that better?
Still no gunbarrel. And it’s in black and white. They must have wanted to save some money, I suppose.
Some man going into an office and there’s a guy in a chair waiting for him…. Hey right, this is James Bond! Now I see why it’s in black and white- people made so much fuss about this guy being blond and that’s less noticeable in black and white. Good call.
Flashback now to some fighting. Good fight.
Right, we’re back to the office again. Hey, Bond shoots him!
Now we’re back to the fight again. That set is bloody awful, it looks like they’re fighting in a public toilet… Oh right, they are in a public toilet. Just like the other movie, then! Bond wins, obviously. But the bad guy ain’t dead and he picks up a gun and…
Ah, NOW we get the gunbarrel! Strange place to put it.
Okay, the titles. Cards, fighting… Hey, where are the ladies?! Ten minutes into this bloody movie and no ladies!
In a justifiable piece of trumpet-blowing, this thread has now entered it's third year. The viewcount is high, but should be even higher since in common with a lot of threads many views were lost during the revamp.
Many thanks to everyone, but most especially to the contributors. This thread isn't just for me, nothing here makes me happier than when someone collaborates or even writes one themselves.
MGW: They want to do something called “The James Bond Holiday Special”.
Cubby: Say what?
MGW: “The James Bond Holiday Special”. Their idea is that Bond will be driving his Aston Martin, taking Jaws back to his home for something called “Life Day”.
Cubby: “Life Day”? What the hell?
MGW: Jaws will be all worried that he won’t be home in time for “Life Day”, which is very important to him. James will reassure him that they’ll make it in time. They get chased by S.P.E.C.T.R.E. henchmen but James sees them off.
Cubby: Then what happens?
MGW: James gets Jaws back to his homeplace- we meet his father Snapper, his son Bitey, and his wife Chewie… er, Chewer.
Cubby: Snapper, Bitey and Chewer….?
MGW: That’s what it says. They all then turn on the television and listen to Miss Moneypenny singing a song.
Cubby: What???
MGW: Miss Moneypenny sings a song.
Cubby: I’ve heard enough. Tell them we’re not doing it.
MGW: But you haven’t even heard the part where M and Q do a dance together!
Cubby: Enough! Tell them what they can do with their idea.
MGW: Oh, they already know. If you say no, then they’re going to offer the whole thing to George Lucas.
Cubby: He can have it. If we did this, there’d be videos of it going around for years and years for everyone to laugh at.
MGW: You sure?
Cubby: Definitely. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
2022. A hospital ward. A man awakes from a long, long coma.
Man: Hello? Where am I?
Son: Take it easy, Dad. You’ve been in a coma, you’re just waking up.
Man: Dad? You can’t be my son! You’re a grown man!
Son: It’s been a long time, Dad. You went into a coma in 1967 and this is 2022.
Man: 2022? You’re kidding me!
Son: No, I’m not, Dad. This is 2022.
Man: Well, what’s been happening? There must be so much!
Son: Yes, of course, but it’s probably best we take it one step at a time.
Man: All right, I think you’re right. Well, I was always a big fan of James Bond movies so let’s begin there. I suppose Sean Connery is too old these days?
Son: Alas, he passed away a few years ago. He hadn’t played James Bond in many, many years.
Man: Well, I guess Roger Moore got the part then.
Son: That’s right, but he’s passed away as well. There’ve been three other actors since, but you won’t have heard of any of them.
Man: Yeah, I can understand that. All tall, dark and handsome, of course.
Son: Well… to quote Meatloaf, two out of three ain’t bad.
Man: Meatloaf? You’re quoting a food?
Son: Let’s just leave that one to one side for the moment.
Man: But they’re still making James Bond movies, aren’t they?
Son: Yes. Very slowly, but they are still making them.
Man: And they’re full of gadgets, and James ends up with a beautiful girl in his arms in a boat at the end?
Son: Err…. Not as such, no. In fact, they haven’t ended that way in over twenty years now.
Man: The jokes, though, the fabulous one-liners.
Son: Very occasionally.
Man: The pounding, exciting title songs?
Son: Not for a while. Dreary ballads, recently.
Man: Women falling over themselves to be with James?
Son: Not any more.
Man: This is terrible. But he does still win at the end, doesn’t he? He has to defeat the villains and be ready for the next one!
Son: Ah…. no.
Man: What? What do you mean?
Son: He died at the end of the most recent film.
Man: What??? He died???
Son: Yes, that’s right. He wanted to save his family.
Man: His family?
Son: Yes, he’s now got a little daughter and a woman he’d probably have ended up marrying.
Man: I suppose it was the director’s idea that Bond dies?
Son: No, it was the idea of the most recent actor. He said he would only come back for one more movie if Bond died at the end.
Man: And Cubby fell for that?
Son: Dad, Cubby’s been dead for years. It’s his daughter and stepson running the show… at least for the moment.
(The man begins to fiddle around with the medical machinery beside his bed.)
Son: Dad, what are you doing?
Man: Looking for how to put myself back into a coma until they grow out of this whole business and start making James Bond movies again!
Excerpt from George Lazenby’s unreleased 2016 commentary to "Live and Let Die." This was recorded in the afternoon session, following his morning recording of the commentary to "Casino Royale."
Lazenby: Hello and G‘Day, this is George Lazenby, and I will be providing commentary to "Live and Let Die," the first film of Roger Moore as James Bond, and what may have been my third film had I not been such a bloody idiot.
Roger’s first gunbarrel. I see our crack production team queued up the right film this time. He looks rather good here. Pity about the bell bottom trousers later on.
I was told by the producers over lunch at Duke’s to not spend the entire film bragging about my conquests. Fine, it’s your loss. In my commentary to "Casino Royale" I had only made it up to 1974.
What was that? No, I’m not going to talk about the pre title sequence. They didn’t have enough confidence to even show Roger. Just a few random nobodies get offed. One by a rubber snake and another with a quick stab to the liver.
I had a mate in Golburn get stabbed in the liver in a pub brawl. He kept going for another twenty minutes before we finally walked him to hospital. Back at work the next morning. This tw*t probably faints when he nicks himself shaving.
Finally, the opening song. I love Paul McCartney. Shame about the lyrics. I mean they’re fine, better than the Bond films immediately before and after. There’s just so little of them. Like Paul couldn’t be bothered writing lyrics for the entire song. Must have been Linda’s influence. I’d dare call this an instrumental, but no instrumental can compare to "Majesty’s." It is a timeless classic.
Cut to the gorgeous Madeline Smith. We actually met in seventy f--- and I can neither confirm nor deny what you are all wondering.
Here’s Roger. All baby faced and baby chested. How the f%ck does he look younger at 43 than I did at 29?
Back to Madeline. Look up "The Vampire Lovers" with her and Ingrid Pitt. You’ll thank me.
Indeed you will! I second that and here's a pic of Maddy and Ingrid Pitt from said movie- one that I could print here.
Of course, I was only watching it because I'm a big fan of Peter Cushing, and here he is in that film doing what he did best-
Your bonus info is that in that pic we have two Sherlocks for the price of one- the man in the background is Douglas Wilmer, who Cushing replaced in the BBC Sherlock Holmes series in the 60s. And Wilmer's one of ours, too- he was in OP
seen here with another Sherlock you might just recognize. Sir Roger once played Holmes with Patrick Macnee as his Watson
and Macnee was of course famous as John Steed in "The Avengers", which more than once had as guest star....
...Peter Cushing, and here he is in "Frankenstein And The Monster From Hell" with...
Madeline Smith 😁. After this rather crazy interlude, normal service will be resumed shortly.
1999. Eon HQ, inside an island shaped like a bald-headed man holding a finger to his lips.
BB: Michael?
MGW: (Looks up briefly from counting huge piles of cash.) Hmmm?
BB: Michael, I-
MGW: (This time he doesn’t even look up.) Yes, Barbara?
BB: Michael, stop counting the proceeds from “The World Is Not Enough” immediately and pay attention to me!
MGW: (Reluctantly.) But of course, princess, what is it?
BB: Have you noticed that there’s a sequel to “Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery” out now?
MGW: Yes, I did hear that.
BB: And did you notice what it’s called?
MGW: No, why?
BB: It’s called “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me”!
MGW: “Austin Powers: The Spy”- oh!
BB: Exactly. Don’t you think it’s rather similar to one of ours?
MGW: No, it doesn’t sound like “GoldenEye” at all.
BB: Not that one!!!! I mean
MGW: Oh right… I see what you mean.
BB: We can’t let them get away with this! It’s too close for comfort!
MGW: Well, I suppose we could write them a letter.
BB: Write them a letter? We should get our lawyers onto them immediately!
MGW: Slow up there a moment, Barbara, relax a bit. Can’t you just see the press headlines? They’ll be all over us, accusing us of having no sense of humour.
BB: (Reluctantly.) I suppose you’re right.
MGW: Then let’s get working on that letter….
Mike Myers’ place. He’s sitting with director Jay Roach, planning their next Austin Powers movie.
Mike: So Jay, baby, what have we got?
Jay: I think you’ll be pleased, Mike. We’ve got Michael Caine to play your fasha-
Mike: My what?
Jay: Sorry, your father. Beyoncé for the female lead, plus guest appearances by Tom Cruise, Gwyneth Paltrow, Danny de Vito, Kevin Spacey, John Travolta, Stephen Spielberg, Ozzy Osbourne, Britney Spears-
Mike: Hey, stop there! I’m going cross-eyed!
Jay: All right. Now, we’ve had a letter I think we should have a look at.
Mike: Okay.
(Jay passes Mike a letter.)
Mike: Neo? Keanu Reeves has sent us a letter?
Jay: Please uncross your eyes, Mike. It isn't from Neo, it’s from Eon. You know, the James Bond people.
Mike: Oh, right. (He reads some of the letter.) What does “cease and desist” mean?
Jay: It means they weren’t happy with us using the title “The Spy Who Shagged Me”. They think we were ripping off their title “The Spy Who Loved Me”.
Mike: Well, we were, weren’t we?
Jay: Yes, of course we were, but we can’t let them know that. They say that they’re okay with us doing it once, they don’t want us to think that they don’t have a sense of humour.
Mike: Well, obviously they have a sense of humour- in their last film they had Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist.
Jay: But they don’t want us to do it again.
Mike: Oh, of course we wouldn’t.
Jay: Never dream of it.
Mike: Definitely not.
(They look at each other and begin to laugh for a long time. Then they stop laughing. Then they start laughing again.)
Bond fan: Yes, of course, my darling. Let’s watch a James Bond film.
Son: But we’ve watched them all! We’ve seen the one with the casino, the one that doesn’t make any sense, the one where M dies, the one where Blofeld is Bond’s brother (Bond fan shudders.), and the one where Bond dies!
Bond fan: Yes, but those are only the most recent ones.
Daughter: The ones where Daniel Craig is Bond?
Bond fan: That’s right. There were twenty more before that.
Son: Twenty?
Bond fan: Well, it depends if you count the unofficial ones.
Daughter: Unofficial ones?
Bond fan: ….it’s a long story. Here, there’s a pile of James Bond films- pick one!
Son: How about this one? It’s in outer space!
Bond fan: …maybe not that one. Pick another!
Daughter: Well, this one looks good- “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”.
Bond fan: Yes, that’s a good one.
Son: Right then!
(The father loads the film.)
Daughter: What’s this with the dots?
Bond fan: That’s called the gunbarrel. It starts every Bond film.
Son: No it doesn’t!
Bond fan: ….it’s a long story. Look, there’s James Bond.
Daughter: That isn’t James Bond!
Bond fan: ...it’s a long story.
Son: The music’s good, though.
Bond: (Onscreen.) My name’s Bond. James Bond.
Son/Daughter: No it isn’t!!!
Bond fan: Quiet, kids, watch the film.
Daughter: Nah, don’t like this.
Son: Put on something else.
Daughter: Something less boring.
Bond fan: All right, all right. (Turns the film off.) Pick another one.
Son: How about this one? It’s got the Eiffel Tower and the Golden Gate bridge.
Bond fan: Er, how about this one here? The one with Fort Knox?
Daughter: No, we want this one!
Bond fan: Okay, okay.
(He loads the film.)
Son: I see those dots are back.
Bond fan: Yes, they’re… never mind. Watch the film.
Daughter: Skiing! Cool, I love skiing scenes!
Bond fan: If you’d stuck with the other one you would have seen plenty of skiing scenes.
Son: Doesn’t matter, this is great!
Daughter: Yeah, and that music’s fabulous!
Son: Yeah, it….. what? The Beach Boys?
Bond fan: ....it's a long story. Don’t worry, it’ll be over in a minute.
Daughter: Great stunts!
Son: We haven’t seen James Bond’s face yet.
Bond fan: Just a moment… there!
Daughter: What? Who’s this old guy?
Son: How old is he, 75?
Bond fan: No, he’s… (Quick calculation.) only 58.
Daughter: That’s M territory!
Son: Why is M doing the mission? Where’s James Bond, back in the office?
Bond fan: ….it’s a long story. Ah, here’s the titles.
Daughter: That song is sick!
Son: Yeah, really ill.
Bond fan: It’s a great song! What do you mean, it’s sick, it’s ill?
Son/Daughter: ….it’s a long story.
(Any autobiographical elements are purely coincidental.)
1993. Unreleased commentary for “Thunderball” laser disc, by Kevin McClory.
McClory: Hello, welcome to my commentary for my film “Thunderball”. We start off with a funeral, which the audience are led to believe is James Bond’s because of the initials on the coffin, but we soon see… ah, there he is.
That’s Sean Connery as my character James Bond, which I created back in 1959 or so.
Right, we’re having a fight now. I’ve always thought, ever since I created the whole Bond thing, that there should be fights in James Bond films, but he’s fighting a woman-
Oh wait, it’s a man in drag! That’s all right, then.
Ah, a jetpack! I don’t remember writing that part but I suppose I must have, since I wrote all of this film. And the other version, of course, that was “Never Say Never Again”. And the book, too.
Oh, there’s the Aston Martin. That was my idea, naturally. All the gadgets, too.
Now the credits start…. “Albert R. Broccoli and Harry Saltzman present”? Really? They think this is all theirs?
“Ian Fleming’s Thunderball” ???? I think you’ll find it’s “Kevin McClory’s Thunderball”, my friend. I'll sue!
Comments
From Barbel and me:
What follows in an excerpt from Timothy Dalton’s lost commentary track for Die Another Day, recorded in late 2016 for the Ultimate James Bond DVD/Blu-ray collection.
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Dalton: Hello, this is Timothy Dalton and welcome to the commentary track for …. what was it, “Spy Another Way”? I will be providing you with a completely unbiased commentary on this piece of.. er, film.
Here’s the traditional gun barrel sequence. Uh, what the f*ck was that? A low res cgi bullet flying right at me? I hope they have the sense to not to use cheap cgi through the film.
Okay, we’ve started. Surfing, eh? I keep waiting for “California Girls” to start playing. Right, they’re now on the beach. “Korea”, it says. Korea my arse, I know Wales when I see it. That rear projection is worse than Dr No.
Now, three guys, I wonder which one of them is…. Oh, right. (Sighs.) There’s Remington there. Again. This is the fourth commentary track I’ve done for Brozzer's films today. Thank God for scotch and cigarettes.
What do you mean "No Smoking in the recording booth"? F*ck you! Fleming's Bond smoked. I'm getting into character. I always smoke when I drink scotch. I dare you to watch this bloody film sober.
Where was I? Oh yes...at least we've passed the surfing part. They wouldn't be stupid enough to have more surfing later, that would be completely ridiculous.
Now Percy is taking the place of that man. Was he wearing two thick jackets under a wet suit?
Now we’re at a muddy compound. Well, this one here is obviously the villain. What did that subtitle say, "Colonel Sun"? That sounds familiar, I must have heard it before.
Those diamonds are less convincing than the ones lining the pig heart in my film.
Cover blown already. Britain’s best ladies and gentlemen.
Lots of explosions, again. I’m noticing a pattern with PB&J’s films. Here come the machine guns, again. I think he's overcompensating for something.
Oh, a chase scene. What's that, a hovercraft? Give me an oil tanker any day. This reminds me of the boat chase in the last film. Someone needs to tell the sound editor only one Wilhelm scream per movie.
Flame throwers. Against lots of mud. Yeah, that’s exciting.
Didn’t he throw away the machine gun? I can’t keep track, but apparently neither can the editor.
More bad rear projection.
“Saved by the bell?” Look, even “Mister Light Entertainment” can’t regurgitate these quips with any believably. The film critic for The Daily Mail in 1987 owes me an apology.
The North Korean army appears without a sound and without warning. Were their trucks invisible? Imagine, invisible vehicles in a James Bond film. Preposterous.
So Bond gets captured at the start? That's different. Still, could be worse- he could have died.
Right, the titles. He's being beaten up, fine. Strange, I think they're playing the music from another film by mistake- I could swear that sounds like Madonna!
Oh, I've just been told it IS Madonna. Oh well, at least she's not actually doing what she calls "acting" in the movie. That woman makes Denise Richards look like Jennifer Connolly.
“Sigmund Freud, analyze this?” Did Babs and Mikey crib the title song from that Bob DeNiro/Billy Crystal comedy? The lady torturing him is rather fetching. I hope she gets some good scenes.
Directed by Lee Tami-who? What else has he done?
I’m being told “XXX 2”. Is that a porno?
I think I’ll need more scotch.
🤣🤣🤣
XXX 2? That sounds ... nasty.
After giving Tim Dalton a chance to air his thoughts on “Die Another Day”, Westward_Drift and I thought it only fair that Pierce Brosnan got to do a commentary for one of Dalton’s films.
Hi, this is Pierce Brosnan giving you a commentary on... which one again? I can never tell his apart. Oh yes, "Licence To Kill". I was all set up to do the other one until NBC renewed my contract for “Remington Steele” mere hours before it was to be announced. Those basta- hmm, what’s that? All right, all right, no swearing. Anyway, they forced me to go back to being Remington and work with Stephanie Zimbalist again. My god, she was a- what? All right, all right. I’ll be polite.
Gunbarrel… and there he is, Mr Laugh A Minute. Seriously, would it hurt to crack a smile every now and then? You're going to your best mate's wedding, after all.
And there's Felix. How come Dalton got Felix and Craig got Felix and all I got was that lousy Jack Wade? "Hey Jimbo!" "Do you do any gardening, Jimbo?" How come he stays alive and doesn’t have pieces of him chewed off by a shark, eh? Oh that's right, he was friendly with Cubby and family. Tim never had to put up with Wade. Or Purvis either (chuckles.).
Well, we're off to a wedding then.... Ah, of course, Felix is getting married. Can't see anything going wrong with that, now.
Oh look, it's Benicio del Toro! How young he is there! I guess he's the villain... oh wait a minute, he's the henchman so this other guy must be the villain. Hey, he's a bit rough on his girlfriend, isn't he? Definitely the villain.
Running around, shooting guns… what’s that ridiculous slow motion all about? Did Tamahori have a hand in this?
Right, plane and helicopter chase…
So he's jumping off now, going straight down. Pretty much like his career, then.
Here's the song. Not too bad, nearly as good as "GoldenEye". Maybe if they asked me I could sing them an ABBA song or two? ... What's that? ... No, I realise it won't be necessary now. Or ever.
How come I never got to do this kind of film? I asked Eon again and again for something dark and gritty and what did they give me? An invisible car and surfing over icebergs….
Excerpt from the unreleased Sir Roger Moore commentary for “Diamonds Are Forever”.
Moore: Hello, and welcome. This is Roger Moore and I’ve been asked to give a few words about this film.
Ah, there’s Sean Connery. Sean and I were always good friends, we have been for many years. I remember one time we went out to dinner- now, was it an Italian restaurant or an Indian one? There were a large number of splendid Italian restaurants close at hand, so many excellent ones that I’d hate to pick a favourite. Well, the waiter was very nice and when we arrived he said “Good evening Mr Bond and Mr Bond, I’ve been expecting you”. Oh, how we laughed. Well, I laughed anyway, Sean doesn’t like that sort of thing. He was an excellent waiter and I gave him a large tip at the end of the meal. Or perhaps Sean did, I can’t remember. The meal was good, too.
Now here’s Blofeld. Ernst Stavro Blofeld. He was in a lot of Sean’s movies. Never in mine, curiously enough- well, not by name. I did drop some bald-headed chap in a wheelchair down a high chimney though we never said he was Blofeld. I enjoyed shooting that scene- I was in a helicopter, you see, or at least my stunt double was and I was in the studio. We were supposed to be in London. Lovely chap, my stunt double, we became such good friends. That was in the early ‘80s. Now was that in my sixth or seventh James Bond film?
“Harry Saltzman & Albert R. Broccoli present….” I used to play backgammon with Cubby in between takes. We had great fun, and we were good friends. I used to say he was trying to get back the money he paid me to play James Bond.
Ah, there’s Shirley singing. Dear Shirley. We’ve always been such close friends. She sang the song for one of my Bond films, you know. “Moonraker”, I think it was. Yes, that’s right- (Sings.) “Moonraker! He’s the man, the man with the Midas touch”. Or something like that, it’s been a long time.
“Directed by Guy Hamilton” it says. Of course, Guy directed a few of the Bond films, including two of mine, “Live And Let Die” and “The Man With The Golden Gun”. “Live And Let Die” was my first, of course, and Guy certainly helped me settle into the part. He was a lovely chap and we became good friends.
Oh, I remember- it was definitely me who tipped the waiter.
In my mind I'm reading it in RM's voice in my head. That's definately what he said in the commentary he didn't do, word by word! 😁
That was my plan, to try to make you read it in his voice. The next one is the obvious one....
Excerpt from Sir Sean Connery's unreleased 2016 commentary for "The Spy Who Loved Me".
Hello, they’ve ashked me to give shome commentsh on this film, “The Shpy Who Loved Me”.
Right, here’sh the gunbarrel and here comesh Roger. Dear Lord, what are thoshe troushersh like? Thoshe flaresh look like parachutesh!
Now we’re on a shubmarine. Humph, call that a shubmarine? Shee my movie “The Hunt For Red October” and you'll shee what a shubmarine looksh like! We had a casht of good actorsh in that, and Alec Baldwin wash there too. I wash the captain, and Sham Neill wash my right-hand man.
He told me he’d teshted for the part of Bond, and I told him not to bother with being a shexisht mishogynishtic dinoshaur- in fact he’d be better not being involved with dinoshaursh at all! Turnsh out I wash quite wrong about that.
Ah, dear old Bernard Lee. And there'sh Loish, too. I missh them. Would have been nice to have had them in "Never Shay Never Again" but Cubby wouldn't let Loish do it and old Bernard had died.
Now there’sh a lovely lady. Russian agent XXX, apparently. I wouldn't mind sheeing her in the flesh shometime. Hmmm? What'sh that? Ah, I'm being told she'sh married to one of The Beatlesh. Obvioushly not Ringo, didn’t know Paul wash free again.
Sho, he'sh shkiing now, ish he? Shkiing in the shnow. Or shomebody ish, anyway. If he won't even run without a double then I shertainly doubt he'sh going to shki.
Ah, he’sh killing off the bad guysh- one of them ish the one that wash with XXX earlier. Musht be a plot point.
Now they’ve got him cornered. He’sh heading for a cliff and… he shkish shtraight off! What the hell? Ah, he’sh got a parachute! With a Union Jack! That’sh a good shtunt and a good gag. Now thoshe trousher flaresh make shenshe! It wash foreshadowing!
Right, now we’re into the title shong. “Nobody Doesh It Better”, eh? Oh, you think not? I think you’ll find you’re wrong about that!
Loving these... especially the pitch perfect Roger Moore commentary on DAF...
"Shkiing in the shnow". That's our sir Sean! 👍
Thank you, gentlemen. 🙂
Excerpt from the unreleased 2016 commentary by George Lazenby on “Casino Royale”.
Lazenby: G’day, and welcome. This is George Lazenby and I’ll be doing the commentary for this Royal Casino movie.
No gunbarrel, eh? Straight in to… a toilet? Seriously, we’re introducing this James Bond in a lav? And wasn’t he supposed to be blond?
My God, those titles are bright! Wish I’d brought my sunnies so I could read them.
Thank God that’s over. What do we have now…..? Four old guys in a car. And they’re going to meet… James Bond??? This is James Bond? I thought the guy in the lav was James Bond! This guy ain’t blond either, and he looks old- as old as Roger Moore in “A View To A Kill”. Well, nearly. And what’s with that silly little moustache? I’ve seen this guy somewhere before… Got it, he was stealing diamonds in a Pink Panther movie!
Oh wait, I’m being told something… Wrong movie, whaddya mean “wrong movie”? This is ”Royal Casino”, ain’t it? …. All right, “Casino Royal” then, have it your way. …. Whaddya mean there’s another movie with the same title? …. Oh, right then.
Ahem.
G’day, and welcome. This is George Lazenby and I’ll be doing the commentary for this “Royal Casino” movie…. Okay, okay, “Casino Royal”, that better?
Still no gunbarrel. And it’s in black and white. They must have wanted to save some money, I suppose.
Some man going into an office and there’s a guy in a chair waiting for him…. Hey right, this is James Bond! Now I see why it’s in black and white- people made so much fuss about this guy being blond and that’s less noticeable in black and white. Good call.
Flashback now to some fighting. Good fight.
Right, we’re back to the office again. Hey, Bond shoots him!
Now we’re back to the fight again. That set is bloody awful, it looks like they’re fighting in a public toilet… Oh right, they are in a public toilet. Just like the other movie, then! Bond wins, obviously. But the bad guy ain’t dead and he picks up a gun and…
Ah, NOW we get the gunbarrel! Strange place to put it.
Okay, the titles. Cards, fighting… Hey, where are the ladies?! Ten minutes into this bloody movie and no ladies!
1963. The Llewelyn household. Desmond returns home.
Desmond: Hello, my darling, I’m back.
Mrs L: Hello, darling.
(They kiss.)
Mrs L: So tell me all about it- how was your day?
Desmond: Oh, pretty straightforward actually. I had to give James Bond a briefcase full of secret gadgets, and show him how they worked.
Mrs L: But Desmond, you’re terrible with that sort of thing!
Desmond: Yes, but they made it all so easy. The director was very patient and helpful and Sean Connery was very nice.
Mrs L: Did you meet anyone else?
Desmond: Yes, I had lines with Lois Maxwell and Bernard Lee. They were a pleasure to work with.
Mrs L: How wonderful!
Desmond: Yes, I’m glad I got the part.
Mrs L: Do you think you’ll be back in the next one?
Desmond: Oh yes- they said something about giving him a car. If I’m lucky I can have this part for years and years.
Mrs L: You’re joking!
Desmond: I never joke about my work, darling.
1964. Desmond returns home.
Mrs L: How did it go today, darling?
Desmond: Oh, fine, fine. I gave him the car.
Mrs L: Did you hear anything about the next one?
Desmond: Yes, looks like I may have to go to the Bahamas.
Mrs L: The Bahamas?
1965.
Desmond: Yes, the Bahamas. Now, next time it's Japan.
Mrs L: Japan?
1967.
Desmond: Yes, Japan. Now, I hear that next time it's Portugal.
Mrs L: Portugal?
1969.
Desmond: Portugal was very nice. Next time it's...
Mrs L: Let me guess.... Australia?
Desmond: Close. It's actually Las Vegas.
1977.
Mrs L: Sardinia? Oh Desmond, what’s next? Outer space?
Desmond: Ah….
One of the best yet, Barbel 🤣🤣👏🏻👏🏻
You're too kind, Sir Miles.
In a justifiable piece of trumpet-blowing, this thread has now entered it's third year. The viewcount is high, but should be even higher since in common with a lot of threads many views were lost during the revamp.
Many thanks to everyone, but most especially to the contributors. This thread isn't just for me, nothing here makes me happier than when someone collaborates or even writes one themselves.
1978. Eon HQ, inside a submarine inside a tanker.
Cubby: Anything in the mail today, Michael?
MGW: There’s an offer from CBS.
Cubby: Oh? What do they want?
MGW: They want to do something called “The James Bond Holiday Special”.
Cubby: Say what?
MGW: “The James Bond Holiday Special”. Their idea is that Bond will be driving his Aston Martin, taking Jaws back to his home for something called “Life Day”.
Cubby: “Life Day”? What the hell?
MGW: Jaws will be all worried that he won’t be home in time for “Life Day”, which is very important to him. James will reassure him that they’ll make it in time. They get chased by S.P.E.C.T.R.E. henchmen but James sees them off.
Cubby: Then what happens?
MGW: James gets Jaws back to his homeplace- we meet his father Snapper, his son Bitey, and his wife Chewie… er, Chewer.
Cubby: Snapper, Bitey and Chewer….?
MGW: That’s what it says. They all then turn on the television and listen to Miss Moneypenny singing a song.
Cubby: What???
MGW: Miss Moneypenny sings a song.
Cubby: I’ve heard enough. Tell them we’re not doing it.
MGW: But you haven’t even heard the part where M and Q do a dance together!
Cubby: Enough! Tell them what they can do with their idea.
MGW: Oh, they already know. If you say no, then they’re going to offer the whole thing to George Lucas.
Cubby: He can have it. If we did this, there’d be videos of it going around for years and years for everyone to laugh at.
MGW: You sure?
Cubby: Definitely. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
2022. A hospital ward. A man awakes from a long, long coma.
Man: Hello? Where am I?
Son: Take it easy, Dad. You’ve been in a coma, you’re just waking up.
Man: Dad? You can’t be my son! You’re a grown man!
Son: It’s been a long time, Dad. You went into a coma in 1967 and this is 2022.
Man: 2022? You’re kidding me!
Son: No, I’m not, Dad. This is 2022.
Man: Well, what’s been happening? There must be so much!
Son: Yes, of course, but it’s probably best we take it one step at a time.
Man: All right, I think you’re right. Well, I was always a big fan of James Bond movies so let’s begin there. I suppose Sean Connery is too old these days?
Son: Alas, he passed away a few years ago. He hadn’t played James Bond in many, many years.
Man: Well, I guess Roger Moore got the part then.
Son: That’s right, but he’s passed away as well. There’ve been three other actors since, but you won’t have heard of any of them.
Man: Yeah, I can understand that. All tall, dark and handsome, of course.
Son: Well… to quote Meatloaf, two out of three ain’t bad.
Man: Meatloaf? You’re quoting a food?
Son: Let’s just leave that one to one side for the moment.
Man: But they’re still making James Bond movies, aren’t they?
Son: Yes. Very slowly, but they are still making them.
Man: And they’re full of gadgets, and James ends up with a beautiful girl in his arms in a boat at the end?
Son: Err…. Not as such, no. In fact, they haven’t ended that way in over twenty years now.
Man: The jokes, though, the fabulous one-liners.
Son: Very occasionally.
Man: The pounding, exciting title songs?
Son: Not for a while. Dreary ballads, recently.
Man: Women falling over themselves to be with James?
Son: Not any more.
Man: This is terrible. But he does still win at the end, doesn’t he? He has to defeat the villains and be ready for the next one!
Son: Ah…. no.
Man: What? What do you mean?
Son: He died at the end of the most recent film.
Man: What??? He died???
Son: Yes, that’s right. He wanted to save his family.
Man: His family?
Son: Yes, he’s now got a little daughter and a woman he’d probably have ended up marrying.
Man: I suppose it was the director’s idea that Bond dies?
Son: No, it was the idea of the most recent actor. He said he would only come back for one more movie if Bond died at the end.
Man: And Cubby fell for that?
Son: Dad, Cubby’s been dead for years. It’s his daughter and stepson running the show… at least for the moment.
(The man begins to fiddle around with the medical machinery beside his bed.)
Son: Dad, what are you doing?
Man: Looking for how to put myself back into a coma until they grow out of this whole business and start making James Bond movies again!
1981. The household of Diana Rigg. She is playing with her pet parrot, Chrome.
Chrome: Peanut! Chrome wants a peanut!
Diana: Oh, you want a peanut, do you?
Chrome: Give me a peanut!
Diana: Well, if you insist.
(She gives the parrot a peanut. The telephone rings.)
Diana: Hello?
Cubby Broccoli: (On phone.) Diana, how are you?
Diana: Cubby, how lovely to hear from you! I’m fine, how are you?
Cubby: All fine here. Listen, you probably know we’re making a new James Bond film.
Diana: Of course. You’re not wanting me to come back, are you?
Cubby: Oh no, in fact we’re going to open the film with James Bond visiting Tracy’s gravestone.
Diana: That’s a nice touch.
Cubby: Yes, thank you, we thought so. Now, have you still got that parrot, what was his name, Titanium?
Diana: Chrome. His name is Chrome.
Chrome: Chrome wants a peanut!
Diana: Quiet, you!
(She gives him a peanut.)
Cubby: Ah, you’ve still got him, then.
Diana: Yes, he’s still here.
Cubby: Well, listen, in our film “For Your Eyes Only” there’s a spot for a talking parrot and I immediately thought of your guy Stainless Steel.
Diana: He's not a delicatessen, Cubby, he's called Chrome.
Chrome: Chrome wants a peanut!
Diana: Oh, shush!
(She gives him a peanut.)
Cubby: So I’d like to ask you if we could hire your parrot for a few days to appear in our movie.
Diana: You’d have to treat him right.
Cubby: Oh of course, of course.
Diana: Well… all right then.
Cubby: Just one thing - do you think he can learn to say "Atac to St Cyril's"?
Diana: Atac to St Cyril's?
Chrome: Atac to St Cyril's! Atac to St Cyril's!
Cubby: Excellent! He's got the part!
1987. The household of Diana Rigg. She is playing with her pet parrot, Chrome.
Diana: Who’s a pretty boy, then? Who’s a pretty boy?
Chrome: Pretty boy! I’m a pretty boy!
Diana: That’s right!
(She gives him a peanut.)
Chrome: Pretty boy!
(The telephone rings.)
Diana: Hello?
Cubby Broccoli: (On phone.) Hello, Diana?
Diana: Cubby! Nice to hear you. How are you?
Cubby: I’m fine, how are you?
Diana: All fine here. What can I do for you?
Cubby: Do you still have that parrot, what was his name, Magnesium?
Diana: Chrome, Cubby, he’s called Chrome.
Chrome: Chrome wants a peanut!
Diana: Oh, all right then.
(She gives the bird a peanut.)
Cubby: We’d like to give him a job again in our next James Bond film, “The Living Daylights”.
Diana: (Sighs.) Well, he seemed to enjoy the last one so all right then.
Cubby: Excellent!
Diana: Does he have to say anything strange in this one?
Cubby: Oh no, nothing like that.
Diana: Well, as long as you don’t make him do a double take like that pigeon a few years ago.
Cubby: Oh no, Diana, of course not.
(There's some truth in the above, but it isn't meant to be 100% accurate.)
1984. Kevin McClory’s place. He’s having a meeting with Jack Schwartzman and Irvin Kershner.
McClory: That’s the final returns now in from “Never Say Never Again” - we made $160 million so I think we can safely say it was a success!
Schwartzman: Yes, but “Octopussy” made nearly $190 million.
McClory: A minor detail, we still made a huge profit.
Schwartzman: So, what’s your point, Kevin?
McClory: I think we should… do it again!
Kershner: Well, when I directed “The Empire Strikes Back”, George Lucas said to me-
Schwartzman: Do it again?
McClory: Yes, do it again. Obviously not exactly the same, of course.
Schwartzman: But we are strictly limited in what we are allowed to do.
McClory: There’s some wiggle room, I think.
Kershner: I remember Harrison Ford said-
Schwartzman: Wiggle room? What do you mean, wiggle room?
McClory: Well, you remember the script for “Warhead” that I was trying to make back in the seventies? We could use at least some of that.
Schwartzman: Hmm, you may be right.
McClory: And that was written by Sean Connery and Len Deighton. We could play that up in the publicity.
Kershner: Now, Luke Skywalker used to-
Schwartzman: I think you’re right, and it means that we could use Connery’s name - there’s no way we’d get him back to play Bond, of course.
McClory: And Roger Moore is under contract to Brocco….(Chokes.) Cub… (Chokes even more.) ...Eon.
Schwartzman: Which leaves us only one choice…
McClory: He’d never do it.
Schwartzman: Are you kidding? He’d leap at the chance!
McClory: I can see it now – “George Lazenby is James Bond in Never Say I’m Sorry, I Promise I’ll Behave This Time Again”!
In collaboration with Number24.
2032. Eon Press Conference for Bond26.
BB: Firstly, thank you all for coming.
1st Reporter: No problem, Ms Broccoli, it’s not as if we’ve been doing anything else these last ten years.
2nd Reporter: Except speculate.
1st Reporter: Oh, we’re going to carry on doing that anyway.
BB: We’re here to announce that production will start on Bond26….
3rd Reporter: Yes? Yes?
BB: ...in about four years, perhaps.
(Collective groans from the audience.)
1st Reporter: Four years?
BB: That’s right.
2nd Reporter: Another four years?
BB: Well, perhaps. It might be five.
3rd Reporter: Another five years??? It’s been more than ten years since the last one!
BB: The last one? Poor choice of words there.
3rd Reporter: I mean, the most recent one, of course.
BB: However, as a sign of intent, I am pleased to announce that we have signed up our new James Bond.
1st Reporter: Ah!
2nd Reporter: Aidan Turner!
3rd Reporter: Henry Cavill!
4th Reporter: Daniel Radcliffe!
BB: Would you come out and join us, please? Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to introduce our new James Bond!
(Idris Elba emerges from behind a screen, walking stick discreetly out of sight.)
1st Reporter: Idris?
2nd Reporter: Idris Elba?
Idris: Hello everybody. The name’s Elba- Idris Elba.
3rd Reporter: But… but…
BB: And we’ll have no questions about age, thank you. Just like we didn’t have with Roger Moore.
1st Reporter: Wouldn’t dream of it. So, how old are you now, Mr Elba?
Idris: Well-
BB: Don’t answer that, Idris.
3rd Reporter: And what year were you born, sir?
Idris: I’m sorry, Ms Broccoli has told me not to answer such questions.
2nd Reporter: Oh, of course not. Mr Elba, how many grandchildren do you have now?
Idris: (Proudly.) Oh, there are four of them now! Little-
BB: Enough!
1st Reporter: Are you allowed to tell us how much you’re being paid to be James Bond, Mr Elba?
Idris: Well, after my pension has been deducted it’s not as much as you might expect.
2nd Reporter: How many films have you been signed up for, Mr Elba?
Idris: Three at first, with an option for more.
3rd Reporter: So, going at Eon’s current pace, which makes a snail look like a Formula One car, you’ll be pushing 80 by the time of that option?
Idris: Hey, if it’s good enough for Indiana Jones it’s good enough for James Bond!
Excerpt from George Lazenby’s unreleased 2016 commentary to "Live and Let Die." This was recorded in the afternoon session, following his morning recording of the commentary to "Casino Royale."
Lazenby: Hello and G‘Day, this is George Lazenby, and I will be providing commentary to "Live and Let Die," the first film of Roger Moore as James Bond, and what may have been my third film had I not been such a bloody idiot.
Roger’s first gunbarrel. I see our crack production team queued up the right film this time. He looks rather good here. Pity about the bell bottom trousers later on.
I was told by the producers over lunch at Duke’s to not spend the entire film bragging about my conquests. Fine, it’s your loss. In my commentary to "Casino Royale" I had only made it up to 1974.
What was that? No, I’m not going to talk about the pre title sequence. They didn’t have enough confidence to even show Roger. Just a few random nobodies get offed. One by a rubber snake and another with a quick stab to the liver.
I had a mate in Golburn get stabbed in the liver in a pub brawl. He kept going for another twenty minutes before we finally walked him to hospital. Back at work the next morning. This tw*t probably faints when he nicks himself shaving.
Finally, the opening song. I love Paul McCartney. Shame about the lyrics. I mean they’re fine, better than the Bond films immediately before and after. There’s just so little of them. Like Paul couldn’t be bothered writing lyrics for the entire song. Must have been Linda’s influence. I’d dare call this an instrumental, but no instrumental can compare to "Majesty’s." It is a timeless classic.
Cut to the gorgeous Madeline Smith. We actually met in seventy f--- and I can neither confirm nor deny what you are all wondering.
Here’s Roger. All baby faced and baby chested. How the f%ck does he look younger at 43 than I did at 29?
Back to Madeline. Look up "The Vampire Lovers" with her and Ingrid Pitt. You’ll thank me.
Indeed you will! I second that and here's a pic of Maddy and Ingrid Pitt from said movie- one that I could print here.
Of course, I was only watching it because I'm a big fan of Peter Cushing, and here he is in that film doing what he did best-
Your bonus info is that in that pic we have two Sherlocks for the price of one- the man in the background is Douglas Wilmer, who Cushing replaced in the BBC Sherlock Holmes series in the 60s. And Wilmer's one of ours, too- he was in OP
seen here with another Sherlock you might just recognize. Sir Roger once played Holmes with Patrick Macnee as his Watson
and Macnee was of course famous as John Steed in "The Avengers", which more than once had as guest star....
...Peter Cushing, and here he is in "Frankenstein And The Monster From Hell" with...
Madeline Smith 😁. After this rather crazy interlude, normal service will be resumed shortly.
Now you're just showing off.
Peter Cushing was in The Vampire Lovers? I didn't notice.
Which just about sums that film up
Indeed it does. He's there all right, but there are enough... distractions... that you might not notice him.
2015. Unreleased commentary for “Spectre”, by Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli.
MGW: Hello and welcome to the 2015 Bond film, "Spectre". I’m Michael Wilson….
BB: And I’m Barbara Broccoli.
MGW: We start with the traditional gunbarrel.
BB: Some have complained that it’s not been here at the opening, but I can’t see why. It’s only been thirteen years and three films since it was here.
MGW: And here we are in Mexico, at the Day Of The Dead ceremony, and-
BB: Hey Michael, isn’t that you working the big skeleton from below?
MGW: Well, I’m one of these guys. Now, next we find James Bond dressed appropriately and accompanied by a lovely-
BB: I do believe that’s you just to the right, in the crowd.
MGW: Yes, that’s me. Now, here-
BB: And that’s you to the left now.
MGW: Yes, indeed. They go into the hotel and-
BB: Oh look, there you are!
MGW: What?
BB: That’s you playing Bond, behind the mask!
MGW: Barbara, please, don’t give it all away!
1999. Eon HQ, inside an island shaped like a bald-headed man holding a finger to his lips.
BB: Michael?
MGW: (Looks up briefly from counting huge piles of cash.) Hmmm?
BB: Michael, I-
MGW: (This time he doesn’t even look up.) Yes, Barbara?
BB: Michael, stop counting the proceeds from “The World Is Not Enough” immediately and pay attention to me!
MGW: (Reluctantly.) But of course, princess, what is it?
BB: Have you noticed that there’s a sequel to “Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery” out now?
MGW: Yes, I did hear that.
BB: And did you notice what it’s called?
MGW: No, why?
BB: It’s called “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me”!
MGW: “Austin Powers: The Spy”- oh!
BB: Exactly. Don’t you think it’s rather similar to one of ours?
MGW: No, it doesn’t sound like “GoldenEye” at all.
BB: Not that one!!!! I mean
MGW: Oh right… I see what you mean.
BB: We can’t let them get away with this! It’s too close for comfort!
MGW: Well, I suppose we could write them a letter.
BB: Write them a letter? We should get our lawyers onto them immediately!
MGW: Slow up there a moment, Barbara, relax a bit. Can’t you just see the press headlines? They’ll be all over us, accusing us of having no sense of humour.
BB: (Reluctantly.) I suppose you’re right.
MGW: Then let’s get working on that letter….
Mike Myers’ place. He’s sitting with director Jay Roach, planning their next Austin Powers movie.
Mike: So Jay, baby, what have we got?
Jay: I think you’ll be pleased, Mike. We’ve got Michael Caine to play your fasha-
Mike: My what?
Jay: Sorry, your father. Beyoncé for the female lead, plus guest appearances by Tom Cruise, Gwyneth Paltrow, Danny de Vito, Kevin Spacey, John Travolta, Stephen Spielberg, Ozzy Osbourne, Britney Spears-
Mike: Hey, stop there! I’m going cross-eyed!
Jay: All right. Now, we’ve had a letter I think we should have a look at.
Mike: Okay.
(Jay passes Mike a letter.)
Mike: Neo? Keanu Reeves has sent us a letter?
Jay: Please uncross your eyes, Mike. It isn't from Neo, it’s from Eon. You know, the James Bond people.
Mike: Oh, right. (He reads some of the letter.) What does “cease and desist” mean?
Jay: It means they weren’t happy with us using the title “The Spy Who Shagged Me”. They think we were ripping off their title “The Spy Who Loved Me”.
Mike: Well, we were, weren’t we?
Jay: Yes, of course we were, but we can’t let them know that. They say that they’re okay with us doing it once, they don’t want us to think that they don’t have a sense of humour.
Mike: Well, obviously they have a sense of humour- in their last film they had Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist.
Jay: But they don’t want us to do it again.
Mike: Oh, of course we wouldn’t.
Jay: Never dream of it.
Mike: Definitely not.
(They look at each other and begin to laugh for a long time. Then they stop laughing. Then they start laughing again.)
2004.
BB: Michael! Michael!!!!
2022. A Bond fan’s house.
Daughter: Daddy, can we watch a film?
Bond fan: Yes, of course, my darling. Let’s watch a James Bond film.
Son: But we’ve watched them all! We’ve seen the one with the casino, the one that doesn’t make any sense, the one where M dies, the one where Blofeld is Bond’s brother (Bond fan shudders.), and the one where Bond dies!
Bond fan: Yes, but those are only the most recent ones.
Daughter: The ones where Daniel Craig is Bond?
Bond fan: That’s right. There were twenty more before that.
Son: Twenty?
Bond fan: Well, it depends if you count the unofficial ones.
Daughter: Unofficial ones?
Bond fan: ….it’s a long story. Here, there’s a pile of James Bond films- pick one!
Son: How about this one? It’s in outer space!
Bond fan: …maybe not that one. Pick another!
Daughter: Well, this one looks good- “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”.
Bond fan: Yes, that’s a good one.
Son: Right then!
(The father loads the film.)
Daughter: What’s this with the dots?
Bond fan: That’s called the gunbarrel. It starts every Bond film.
Son: No it doesn’t!
Bond fan: ….it’s a long story. Look, there’s James Bond.
Daughter: That isn’t James Bond!
Bond fan: ...it’s a long story.
Son: The music’s good, though.
Bond: (Onscreen.) My name’s Bond. James Bond.
Son/Daughter: No it isn’t!!!
Bond fan: Quiet, kids, watch the film.
Daughter: Nah, don’t like this.
Son: Put on something else.
Daughter: Something less boring.
Bond fan: All right, all right. (Turns the film off.) Pick another one.
Son: How about this one? It’s got the Eiffel Tower and the Golden Gate bridge.
Bond fan: Er, how about this one here? The one with Fort Knox?
Daughter: No, we want this one!
Bond fan: Okay, okay.
(He loads the film.)
Son: I see those dots are back.
Bond fan: Yes, they’re… never mind. Watch the film.
Daughter: Skiing! Cool, I love skiing scenes!
Bond fan: If you’d stuck with the other one you would have seen plenty of skiing scenes.
Son: Doesn’t matter, this is great!
Daughter: Yeah, and that music’s fabulous!
Son: Yeah, it….. what? The Beach Boys?
Bond fan: ....it's a long story. Don’t worry, it’ll be over in a minute.
Daughter: Great stunts!
Son: We haven’t seen James Bond’s face yet.
Bond fan: Just a moment… there!
Daughter: What? Who’s this old guy?
Son: How old is he, 75?
Bond fan: No, he’s… (Quick calculation.) only 58.
Daughter: That’s M territory!
Son: Why is M doing the mission? Where’s James Bond, back in the office?
Bond fan: ….it’s a long story. Ah, here’s the titles.
Daughter: That song is sick!
Son: Yeah, really ill.
Bond fan: It’s a great song! What do you mean, it’s sick, it’s ill?
Son/Daughter: ….it’s a long story.
(Any autobiographical elements are purely coincidental.)
🤣🤣🤣
I like that one 😂😂😂
Thanks, guys, much appreciated.
1993. Unreleased commentary for “Thunderball” laser disc, by Kevin McClory.
McClory: Hello, welcome to my commentary for my film “Thunderball”. We start off with a funeral, which the audience are led to believe is James Bond’s because of the initials on the coffin, but we soon see… ah, there he is.
That’s Sean Connery as my character James Bond, which I created back in 1959 or so.
Right, we’re having a fight now. I’ve always thought, ever since I created the whole Bond thing, that there should be fights in James Bond films, but he’s fighting a woman-
Oh wait, it’s a man in drag! That’s all right, then.
Ah, a jetpack! I don’t remember writing that part but I suppose I must have, since I wrote all of this film. And the other version, of course, that was “Never Say Never Again”. And the book, too.
Oh, there’s the Aston Martin. That was my idea, naturally. All the gadgets, too.
Now the credits start…. “Albert R. Broccoli and Harry Saltzman present”? Really? They think this is all theirs?
“Ian Fleming’s Thunderball” ???? I think you’ll find it’s “Kevin McClory’s Thunderball”, my friend. I'll sue!