Bond: Forsooth, wherefore art Lord Whitaker now?
Saunders: Eh?
Glen: Cut! Tim - less Bard, more Bond please. Places!
Bond: Hmph. (Pause) Where's Whitaker now?
Saunders: At his place in Tangier.
Bond: Well done.
Saunders: Good luck.
Bond: Ah, Saunders?
Saunders: Mm?
Bond: Thanks.
Door: Bang!
Balloon : Pop!
Bond: My bah.. my bah... my balloo...hhh fff..hhh fffff.... sniff....
Glen: Cut!
Manager: Oh for Heavens sake it’s that Bond fellow again, quickly, out of here, leave him to the new assistant!
Humphries: Are you being served, sir?
Bond: Farquhar?
Humphries: Well, there’s no need for that! It’s my first day here after leaving Grace Brothers.
Bond: No, where’s Farquhar, the manager?
Humphries: He was here a moment ago, anyway how can I help you?
Bond: I’ve come to pick up a hamper for the Ministry. Can I see the list?
Humphries: Ah yes, here it is, sir.
Bond: Foie Gras, acceptable. Change the caviar to Royal Beluga.
Humphries: Certainly, how am I doing, sir?
Bond: Questionable
Humphries: My mother always says that to me
Bond: No, the champagne is questionable, Moët & Chandon is highly questionable, change it to Bollinger RD
Humphries: Does RD stand for Really Dry, unlike your eyes, they’ve really moistened up with emotion?
Bond: No, it means Recently Disgorged
Humphries: Some people have all the luck!
(Good work everyone, I’m enjoying these ) ) ) )
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
Publisher: Good afternoon, Ian. What have you got for us this time?
Fleming: I’ve written a new James Bond novel…
Publisher: Splendid news, old chap. What’s it about now?
Fleming: Well, there’s a giant criminal syndicate named SPECTRE, the largest in the world. They operate from Paris, and plan to steal nuclear bombs-
The door crashes open. Kevin McClory bursts in.
Kevin McClory: Aha! I’ve got you now!
Publisher: What on earth is going on?
Kevin McClory: The game’s up, my friend. Give me that manuscript, or else!
Fleming: (hisses) Shan’t.
Kevin McClory: Admit it, Ian. SPECTRE’s my idea. And nobody else is gonna take that away from me, understand?
Fleming: That’s not entirely true…what about the character of Domino, for instance? Or Emilio Largo?
Kevin McClory : Hey, those ideas were mine!
Fleming: No they weren’t.
Kevin McClory: Cheat!
Publisher: Gentlemen, please settle your differences amiably…
McClory: (cheerfully) Alright, let’s toss a coin for it. If I win, I get credited for the whole book. If you win, it goes to you. OK?
Fleming: You’re on. Heads!
McClory: Tails!
Publisher: I’m afraid it came up heads, Mr. McClory.
McClory: I’ll get you Ian Fleming, and your little dog too! I’ll be back, just you wait and see!
He leaves, cackling villainously to a chorus of boos.
Publisher: I suppose after all that brouhaha, you need a stiff drink…
Fleming: Three measures of Gordon’s, one of-
Publisher: I know, I know…
1967. (The Royal Premiere of “Casino Royale”. The Queen, accompanied by the Duke of Edinburgh, is greeted by Charles K. Feldman.)
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Saltzman, how nice of you to invite me to your premiere.
Feldman: That’s “Feldman”, ma’am.
The Queen: Oh, really? And where is Mr Broccoli?
Feldman: I made this film myself, ma’am. Well, along with six directors, seventeen screenwriters, and half of Hollywood.
The Duke: Lots of pretty women in it, I hope?
Feldman: Oh, yes sir.
The Duke: All wearing next to nothing, just the way I like it! I tell you, you can see their-
The Queen: Philip!
Feldman: I believe you know Mr David Niven, ma’am, who is playing Sir James Bond?
The Queen: How pleasant to see you again, Mr Niven.
Niven: And you, ma’am, it is always a pleasure.
Feldman: Here is Mr Peter Sell… (Whispers to assistant.) Where’s Peter?
Assistant: (Whispers.) I don’t know, he was here a moment ago.
Feldman: (Whispers.) Go see if you can find him. (Aloud.) I beg your pardon, ma’am, next is our beautiful leading lady Miss Ursula Andress.
The Queen: Ah, good evening Miss Andress. (Ursula smiles politely as a voice behind her speaks.)
Voice: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: (Slightly puzzled.) How radiant you look!
Voice: Thank you, ma’am.
The Queen: This will be your second James Bond film, I believe?
Voice: More like fifth.
Feldman: Nikki!
Voice: Er, yes, second that’s it…. ma’am.
Feldman: And next we have- (A small curly-haired woman pokes her head out behind Ursula.)
Nikki: Charlie, don’t forget you promised me-
Feldman: Later, Nikki, later! Your Majesty, may I present… ah, here he is. Peter Sellers, ma’am.
The Queen: Hello again, Mr Sellers. Will you be doing your wonderful French accent in this film?
Sellers: Er, no, ma’am.
The Queen: What part will you be playing?
Sellers: James Bond 007, ma’am.
The Queen: But I thought Mr Niven was playing James Bond.
Feldman: Everyone is playing James Bond.
The Queen: One is a little confused.
Sellers: So will everyone else be after they see it!
Fleming: Good morning!
Publisher: Ah good morning, Ian, how are you?
Fleming: Can’t complain. Well, come to think of it, I certainly can- I’m feeling a trifle parched, and my throat is a little dry.
Publisher: Well, that would never do. I believe I have the very thing right here.
Fleming: Thank you. (Sips.) Excellent. But if you can get a vodka made with grain instead of potatoes, you will find it still better.
Publisher: I’ll take a note of that. Now, I’ve been reading this new manuscript of yours.
Fleming: Oh yes? What did you think?
Publisher: I think it may be your best yet. Such wonderful characters: Red Grant, Rosa Klebb, Kronsteen, Kerim, General Grubby Boys Love Chicks-
Fleming: That’s General Grubozaboyschikov.
Publisher: Wow. Now there’s a mouthful.
Fleming: Indeed.
Publisher: And the heroine, Tatiana. Now, her I liked a lot. But, are you sure you should wait so long before introducing James Bond into the story?
Fleming: Why, yes. I think it builds up the tension rather nicely.
Publisher: Couldn’t you introduce him a little earlier? Perhaps relaxing in a boat with a young lady?
Fleming: No, I’m quite happy with it the way it is.
Publisher: Well, if you’re sure. Speaking of Tatiana, that scene in the hotel room was a bit hot! You don’t think you could, perhaps, tone it down a notch or two?
Fleming: Oh, but that’s very important to the story. It brings the two main characters together and, you should pardon the expression, bonds them.
Publisher: I’ll talk nicely to the censor. Speaking of which, do we need the scene in the gypsy camp with the two girls tearing each others clothes off while fighting?
Fleming: We do. We do indeed.
Publisher: Right. Now, bringing in the Orient Express was a great touch! The atmosphere you created there- some of your best writing!
Fleming: Thank you, I was rather pleased with that.
Publisher: Perhaps you could write in a scene where Bond meets a little Belgian detective and-
Fleming: No! Absolutely not!
Publisher: It wouldn't have to be obvious, you could leave it subtle and-
Fleming: No!
Publisher: Worth a try.
Fleming: What did you think of the ending?
Publisher: Frankly, Ian, that’s the bit I like least. It sounds like Bond is dead!
Fleming: Yes, that’s the idea.
Publisher: You’re killing off James Bond?
Fleming: I’m the one person who can.
Publisher: But why on earth would you want to do that?
Fleming: I’m getting a bit fed up with him, and thought it might be a good idea to give me the opportunity to write other things.
Publisher: You remember what happened with Conan Doyle when he did that with Sherlock Holmes? He had to bring him back!
Fleming: Well, I’ll soften the ending a bit then so he might not be dead and could be brought back in the next book if you like.
Publisher: It’s a decision I think you’ll never regret.
Fleming: Hmm, never say never….
MGW: Er, Cubby, we have a bit of a problem.
Broccoli: What’s up? Has Roger twisted an ankle?
MGW: No, he’s fine.
Broccoli: Is it the props? Has that damned car blown up again?
MGW: No, it’s nothing like that. The on-site caterers have had a problem, they won’t be able to feed the cast & crew today.
Broccoli: That’s no problem- do we have pasta?
MGW: Well, I don’t know…
Broccoli: Find out! And if not, buy some! Buy lots!
MGW: (Writing down.) ...pasta….
Broccoli: And we’ll need tomatoes, lots of tomatoes- or maybe passata.
MGW: (Writing.) … passata…
Broccoli: And garlic, lots of garlic. And Parmesan, don’t forget the Parmesan Michael!
MGW: (Writing)… Parmesan…
Broccoli: And onions! And meatballs!
MGW: But, Cubby, who’s gonna cook all this?
Broccoli: I am!
BB: Time For Death? (Headshakes around the table, murmurs of "Nah"...)
Fukunaga: Another Day To Die?
All: No... Don't think so...
MGW: The Property Of A Lady? Risico?
BB: Not again, Michael, you try that every time.
Fukunaga: Death Has No Time?
All: Hmmm... Nah... (Headshakes.)
Purvis: Die And Let Live?
Wade: GoldenDie? (MGW's finger hovers over a button labelled "Purvis & Wade" (just next to one labelled "Mustafa") but BB catches his eye and shakes her head, mouthing "Not yet".)
BB: No Dying Time...
MGW: No Time To Live...
BB/MGW: (Together.) No Time To Die!!!!
All: Yes!
Fukunaga: That's great!
MGW: We'll get to work on that right away.
BB: Yes, we must be ready for April 2020 without fail! We can't put the release of this back. Again.
Purvis/Wade: We're sure that won't be a problem. What could possibly go wrong?
Pick a year. Casting for the new Bond film is revealed to the press.
1st Reporter: How does it feel to be the new Bond girl, Unnamed Actress?
Actress: Well, you know, we don’t say “Bond girl” any more.
1st Reporter: Oh yes, of course.
Actress: I’m very pleased to be here, this is an exciting script and I’m very happy to be playing opposite Unnamed Actor as James Bond.
2nd Reporter: You’re just a shade younger than Unnamed Actor, since you’re 23 and he’s 67. Do you see this as a problem?
Actress: Oh no, I think we look terrific together.
2nd Reporter: Can you tell us anything about your part?
Actress: It isn’t the same as all those other Bond gir… er, leading ladies in the past dressed in revealing outfits. Time has moved on since then. She’s much more Bond’s equal.
3rd Reporter: Bond’s equal? We haven’t heard that before.
Actress: Yes, she’s a new type of woman. She isn’t just there so Bond can save her from the bad guy and kiss her at the end of the movie.
(Six months later.)
Actress: (In bikini, tied to unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.) James! James! Help me! Save me!
Bond: But of course. (Unnamed Actor’s stunt double leaps on a rope, grabs Unnamed Actress, and shoots the villain.)
Bond: That was a swinging time.
Actress: Oh, James…. (They kiss as the end credits roll.)
I've been deliberately keeping away from the publicity as much as possible, so can't be of help there. Shouldn't be surprised, though.
(Before anyone comments, yes I do know that this sadly did not happen.)
1965. (Jonathan Cape, Publishers.)
Publisher: Ah, there you are, Ian.
Fleming: Good morning.
Publisher: Good morning! I suppose you’d like a-
Fleming: You suppose correctly. Remember, shaken not stirred.
Publisher: Of course.
Fleming: And I suppose you’ve had a look at my new manuscript?
Publisher: That I have, that I have. Gone back to Jamaica again, eh?
Fleming: Well they do say “write what you know” and it’s what I see from my window every day while I’m writing.
Publisher: You got Bond out of the pickle you left him in last time rather neatly, I thought.
Fleming: Well, I couldn’t leave him wandering around thinking he’s a Japanese fisherman.
Publisher: Naturally. What an opening! He tries to kill M then gets de-brainwashed!
Fleming: Just trying to do something a bit different.
Publisher: Of course. Now, this villain Scaramanga...
Fleming: Yes? A problem?
Publisher: Yes, but how can I...? He is not like other people. He has three...
Fleming: (Deliberately unhelpful.) Three…?
Publisher: (Reddening.) Three nipples!
Fleming: (Faking light dawning.) Ah, I see.
Publisher: Does he have to have three nipples?
Fleming: Well, I suppose I could make it four if you like.
Publisher: That’s not what I mean! It just seems a trifle kinky.
Fleming: You didn’t complain when Dr No had steel pincers.
Publisher: Yes, but.. oh all right.
Fleming: It’s a fascinating anatomical titbit.
Publisher: I liked that Mary Goodnight got a bigger role this time, and it was nice seeing Felix Leiter again...
Fleming: Thank you.
Publisher: ….although you seem to have forgotten that he got his left leg chewed off by a shark a few years ago.
Fleming: What do you mean?
Publisher: Well, he breaks his left leg near the end of the book.
Fleming: Ah, but he only got half his left leg chewed off by the shark. It’s the other half he breaks here!
Publisher: It would have to be a pretty crazy Bond fan to remember those kind of details.
Fleming: Indeed. Pretty crazy.
BB: Time For Death? (Headshakes around the table, murmurs of "Nah"...)
Fukunaga: Another Day To Die?
All: No... Don't think so...
MGW: The Property Of A Lady? Risico?
BB: Not again, Michael, you try that every time.
Fukunaga: Death Has No Time?
All: Hmmm... Nah... (Headshakes.)
Purvis: Die And Let Live?
Wade: GoldenDie? (MGW's finger hovers over a button labelled "Purvis & Wade" (just next to one labelled "Mustafa") but BB catches his eye and shakes her head, mouthing "Not yet".)
BB: No Dying Time...
MGW: No Time To Live...
BB/MGW: (Together.) No Time To Die!!!!
All: Yes!
Fukunaga: That's great!
MGW: We'll get to work on that right away.
BB: Yes, we must be ready for April 2020 without fail! We can't put the release of this back. Again.
Purvis/Wade: We're sure that won't be a problem. What could possibly go wrong?
Reminds me of me choosing a name for AJB ) Enjoying this thread.
MGW: You nearly blew it last time, boys.
Purvis: What do you mean?
BB: That whole thing with the tidal wave surfing. And that invisible car!
Wade: Oh that.
MGW: Yes, that.
BB: The good news is though, that we can now reset the bar.
Purvis: Oh, whose round is it?
BB: Not what Michael meant, Neal. He meant that we can now make Casino Royale.
MGW: Make it properly. Without any preposterous gadgets or unrealistic "deus ex machina" to save Bond.
BB: Yes, this time we don't want anything - anything! - other than gritty realism.
2006, Czech Republic, doubling as Montenegro.
Craig: Ok, Martin, what's my motivation in this scene?
Campbell: Well Valenka has just poisoned you, so you stumble out to your car, and, umm, die.
Craig: Die?!!
Campbell: Well fortunately your new Aston just happens to have a silenced pistol and, umm, resuscitation equipment inside the glove box.
Craig: So I don't die then?
Campbell: Well you do, you're clinically dead for a few moments, but you're brought back to life, completely fine, no need for hospitalisation, you just need to change your shirt and then you're ready to save the world again. (Pause) Sorry.
Craig: Sorry? Try putting that in a sentence. Like, "sorry to hear about that Pierce, but I gather they want to make the next one one hundred percent realistic", that kind of sorry?
MGW: You nearly blew it last time, boys.
Purvis: What do you mean?
BB: That whole thing with the tidal wave surfing. And that invisible car!
Wade: Oh that.
MGW: Yes, that.
BB: The good news is though, that we can now reset the bar.
Purvis: Oh, whose round is it?
BB: Not what Michael meant, Neal. He meant that we can now make Casino Royale.
MGW: Make it properly. Without any preposterous gadgets or unrealistic "deus ex machina" to save Bond.
BB: Yes, this time we don't want anything - anything! - other than gritty realism.
2006, Czech Republic, doubling as Montenegro.
Craig: Ok, Martin, what's my motivation in this scene?
Campbell: Well Valenka has just poisoned you, so you stumble out to your car, and, umm, die.
Craig: Die?!!
Campbell: Well fortunately your new Aston just happens to have a silenced pistol and, umm, resuscitation equipment inside the glove box.
Craig: So I don't die then?
Campbell: Well you do, you're clinically dead for a few moments, but you're brought back to life, completely fine, no need for hospitalisation, you just need to change your shirt and then you're ready to save the world again. (Pause) Sorry.
Craig: Sorry? Try putting that in a sentence. Like, "sorry to hear about that Pierce, but I gather they want to make the next one one hundred percent realistic", that kind of sorry?
I actually saw a doctor commenting on that scene. He said it's entirely realistic (I mean medically, given the equipment is available). Sorry.
I actually saw a doctor commenting on that scene. He said it's entirely realistic (I mean medically, given the equipment is available). Sorry.
I'm glad your doctor qualified his diagnosis, Number 24, as being just related to the medical procedure. If he or she had commented that a British secret agent accessing resuscitation equipment, which just conveniently happens to be built into his Aston Martin, then dying, being revived from dead, then immediately going on to win a high stakes poker game as being realistic, then I'd have some grave concerns about their judgement.
1964. (Inside Auric Enterprises, Switzerland. James Bond is unconscious and strapped to a table, below what will later be revealed as a laser.)
Goldfinger: Mr Ling, I want you to meet my nemesis, James Bond.
Mr Ling: You’ve got him unconscious and tied down? Why don’t you just kill him?
Goldfinger: I have an even better idea. I’m going to exchange witty dialogue with him while my (Makes quote signs.) “laser beam” burns its way up the table toward his most sensitive parts.
Mr Ling: Why don’t you just shoot him now? I’ll go get a gun. We’ll shoot him together.
Goldfinger: Mr Ling, it has to be an overly elaborate and exotic death. Preferably using my (Makes quote signs.) “laser beam”.
Mr Ling: I have a gun in my room. You give me five seconds, I’ll get it. I’ll come back, boom! I’ll blow his brains out. It’s no hassle.
Goldfinger: Mr Ling, you just don’t get this…. (Walks away.)
Mr Ling: (Mutters.) Fat bastard….
I actually saw a doctor commenting on that scene. He said it's entirely realistic (I mean medically, given the equipment is available). Sorry.
I'm glad your doctor qualified his diagnosis, Number 24, as being just related to the medical procedure. If he or she had commented that a British secret agent accessing resuscitation equipment, which just conveniently happens to be built into his Aston Martin, then dying, being revived from dead, then immediately going on to win a high stakes poker game as being realistic, then I'd have some grave concerns about their judgement.
He actually said people can function as normal right after being "re-booted" like that. Sorry to take some of the witty sting out of your post (that's a lie - I loved it ) )
I just played around with film titles for a bit substituting words that rhymed eg Spoonbreaker, Tunemaker, A Shoe to Fill, No Crime to Lie, and did the same with some of the henchmen, well tried to anyway. I got a bit carried away and came up with Woman with the Golden Bun which amused me for a few seconds but I quickly dismissed that as being too stupid. I neither have golden hair or wear my hair in a bun ) I then started taking part of one title and mixing it with part of another and eventually decided on TSWND.
Bond: Well, it'sh hardly worth the effort. After all, I wouldn't know which one of you to kill.
Blofeld 1: We appreciate your predicament, Mr Bond.
Blofeld 2: We deeply sympathise.
Guy Hamilton: And cut! Everyone take five. (The two cats are taken to their area on the side of the set.)
Tiddles: So, your first James Bond film then?
Snowy: Yes, it is- you’ve obviously done them before?
Tiddles: Oh yes. In my first one I had to sit in some guy’s lap and was fed a Siamese Fighting Fish.
Snowy: Really? That sounds good, I’ve never had one of those.
Tiddles: Then a couple of years later I just had to sit on the same guy’s lap and be stroked.
Snowy: Sounds good, too.
Tiddles: But the one after that was awful! They kept exploding things and firing guns. I was really scared! This little guy with a scar was holding me tight and I just wanted to get away.
Snowy: And did you?
Tiddles: Oh, yes, eventually. I bet I scratched him bad- I just ran off and hid, it took them two weeks to coax me back out again.
Snowy: Did that put you off being in another one?
Tiddles: Definitely, but they got me back anyway and promised they’d be really nice to me this time. It was a different guy stroking me.
Snowy: Ah, that would be better.
Tiddles: Well, apart from the time he got a phone message “Der Englander ist verschwunden”.
Snowy: “Der Englander ist verschwunden”? What does that mean?
Tiddles: I don’t know, I don’t speak French. I suppose it means “Throw the cat to the floor” because that’s what he did!
Snowy: Terrible.
Tiddles: Well, at least nothing like that’s going to happen this time, I hope. They’ve all been really nice this time.
Snowy: I like the guy in the tuxedo who talksh like thish.
Tiddles: Yes, I’ve met him before. Then he was replaced with another fella, but he seems to be back now.
Guy: Everyone back on set, positions please! Only one of the cats this time.
Tiddles: Do you want to do it or shall I?
Snowy: Let me do it, I don’t think it’ll be much to worry about.
Tiddles: No worries, catch you later.
Guy: Ok, someone put the cat on the couch…. Ready, Sean? Action!!!
Snowy: Meooooow!!!!!
(No cats were harmed in the making of this conversation.)
Bond: Well, it'sh hardly worth the effort. After all, I wouldn't know which one of you to kill.
Blofeld 1: We appreciate your predicament, Mr Bond.
Blofeld 2: We deeply sympathise.
Guy Hamilton: And cut! Everyone take five. (The two cats are taken to their area on the side of the set.)
Tiddles: So, your first James Bond film then?
Snowy: Yes, it is- you’ve obviously done them before?
Tiddles: Oh yes. In my first one I had to sit in some guy’s lap and was fed a Siamese Fighting Fish.
Snowy: Really? That sounds good, I’ve never had one of those.
Tiddles: Then a couple of years later I just had to sit on the same guy’s lap and be stroked.
Snowy: Sounds good, too.
Tiddles: But the one after that was awful! They kept exploding things and firing guns. I was really scared! This little guy with a scar was holding me tight and I just wanted to get away.
Snowy: And did you?
Tiddles: Oh, yes, eventually. I bet I scratched him bad- I just ran off and hid, it took them two weeks to coax me back out again.
Snowy: Did that put you off being in another one?
Tiddles: Definitely, but they got me back anyway and promised they’d be really nice to me this time. It was a different guy stroking me.
Snowy: Ah, that would be better.
Tiddles: Well, apart from the time he got a phone message “Der Englander ist verschwunden”.
Snowy: “Der Englander ist verschwunden”? What does that mean?
Tiddles: I don’t know, I don’t speak French. I suppose it means “Throw the cat to the floor” because that’s what he did!
Snowy: Terrible.
Tiddles: Well, at least nothing like that’s going to happen this time, I hope. They’ve all been really nice this time.
Snowy: I like the guy in the tuxedo who talksh like thish.
Tiddles: Yes, I’ve met him before. Then he was replaced with another fella, but he seems to be back now.
Guy: Everyone back on set, positions please! Only one of the cats this time.
Tiddles: Do you want to do it or shall I?
Snowy: Let me do it, I don’t think it’ll be much to worry about.
Tiddles: No worries, catch you later.
Guy: Ok, someone put the cat on the couch…. Ready, Sean? Action!!!
Snowy: Meooooow!!!!!
(No cats were harmed in the making of this conversation.)
Comments
Vienna, Prater Cafe, 1987.
Bond: Forsooth, wherefore art Lord Whitaker now?
Saunders: Eh?
Glen: Cut! Tim - less Bard, more Bond please. Places!
Bond: Hmph. (Pause) Where's Whitaker now?
Saunders: At his place in Tangier.
Bond: Well done.
Saunders: Good luck.
Bond: Ah, Saunders?
Saunders: Mm?
Bond: Thanks.
Door: Bang!
Balloon : Pop!
Bond: My bah.. my bah... my balloo...hhh fff..hhh fffff.... sniff....
Glen: Cut!
Apologies not accepted!
Manager: Oh for Heavens sake it’s that Bond fellow again, quickly, out of here, leave him to the new assistant!
Humphries: Are you being served, sir?
Bond: Farquhar?
Humphries: Well, there’s no need for that! It’s my first day here after leaving Grace Brothers.
Bond: No, where’s Farquhar, the manager?
Humphries: He was here a moment ago, anyway how can I help you?
Bond: I’ve come to pick up a hamper for the Ministry. Can I see the list?
Humphries: Ah yes, here it is, sir.
Bond: Foie Gras, acceptable. Change the caviar to Royal Beluga.
Humphries: Certainly, how am I doing, sir?
Bond: Questionable
Humphries: My mother always says that to me
Bond: No, the champagne is questionable, Moët & Chandon is highly questionable, change it to Bollinger RD
Humphries: Does RD stand for Really Dry, unlike your eyes, they’ve really moistened up with emotion?
Bond: No, it means Recently Disgorged
Humphries: Some people have all the luck!
(Good work everyone, I’m enjoying these
I'll probably write another one this evening. Got an idea, just letting it develop.
Publisher: Good afternoon, Ian. What have you got for us this time?
Fleming: I’ve written a new James Bond novel…
Publisher: Splendid news, old chap. What’s it about now?
Fleming: Well, there’s a giant criminal syndicate named SPECTRE, the largest in the world. They operate from Paris, and plan to steal nuclear bombs-
The door crashes open. Kevin McClory bursts in.
Kevin McClory: Aha! I’ve got you now!
Publisher: What on earth is going on?
Kevin McClory: The game’s up, my friend. Give me that manuscript, or else!
Fleming: (hisses) Shan’t.
Kevin McClory: Admit it, Ian. SPECTRE’s my idea. And nobody else is gonna take that away from me, understand?
Fleming: That’s not entirely true…what about the character of Domino, for instance? Or Emilio Largo?
Kevin McClory : Hey, those ideas were mine!
Fleming: No they weren’t.
Kevin McClory: Cheat!
Publisher: Gentlemen, please settle your differences amiably…
McClory: (cheerfully) Alright, let’s toss a coin for it. If I win, I get credited for the whole book. If you win, it goes to you. OK?
Fleming: You’re on. Heads!
McClory: Tails!
Publisher: I’m afraid it came up heads, Mr. McClory.
McClory: I’ll get you Ian Fleming, and your little dog too! I’ll be back, just you wait and see!
He leaves, cackling villainously to a chorus of boos.
Publisher: I suppose after all that brouhaha, you need a stiff drink…
Fleming: Three measures of Gordon’s, one of-
Publisher: I know, I know…
"The spectre of defeat..."
1967. (The Royal Premiere of “Casino Royale”. The Queen, accompanied by the Duke of Edinburgh, is greeted by Charles K. Feldman.)
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Saltzman, how nice of you to invite me to your premiere.
Feldman: That’s “Feldman”, ma’am.
The Queen: Oh, really? And where is Mr Broccoli?
Feldman: I made this film myself, ma’am. Well, along with six directors, seventeen screenwriters, and half of Hollywood.
The Duke: Lots of pretty women in it, I hope?
Feldman: Oh, yes sir.
The Duke: All wearing next to nothing, just the way I like it! I tell you, you can see their-
The Queen: Philip!
Feldman: I believe you know Mr David Niven, ma’am, who is playing Sir James Bond?
The Queen: How pleasant to see you again, Mr Niven.
Niven: And you, ma’am, it is always a pleasure.
Feldman: Here is Mr Peter Sell… (Whispers to assistant.) Where’s Peter?
Assistant: (Whispers.) I don’t know, he was here a moment ago.
Feldman: (Whispers.) Go see if you can find him. (Aloud.) I beg your pardon, ma’am, next is our beautiful leading lady Miss Ursula Andress.
The Queen: Ah, good evening Miss Andress.
(Ursula smiles politely as a voice behind her speaks.)
Voice: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: (Slightly puzzled.) How radiant you look!
Voice: Thank you, ma’am.
The Queen: This will be your second James Bond film, I believe?
Voice: More like fifth.
Feldman: Nikki!
Voice: Er, yes, second that’s it…. ma’am.
Feldman: And next we have-
(A small curly-haired woman pokes her head out behind Ursula.)
Nikki: Charlie, don’t forget you promised me-
Feldman: Later, Nikki, later! Your Majesty, may I present… ah, here he is. Peter Sellers, ma’am.
The Queen: Hello again, Mr Sellers. Will you be doing your wonderful French accent in this film?
Sellers: Er, no, ma’am.
The Queen: What part will you be playing?
Sellers: James Bond 007, ma’am.
The Queen: But I thought Mr Niven was playing James Bond.
Feldman: Everyone is playing James Bond.
The Queen: One is a little confused.
Sellers: So will everyone else be after they see it!
Fleming: Good morning!
Publisher: Ah good morning, Ian, how are you?
Fleming: Can’t complain. Well, come to think of it, I certainly can- I’m feeling a trifle parched, and my throat is a little dry.
Publisher: Well, that would never do. I believe I have the very thing right here.
Fleming: Thank you. (Sips.) Excellent. But if you can get a vodka made with grain instead of potatoes, you will find it still better.
Publisher: I’ll take a note of that. Now, I’ve been reading this new manuscript of yours.
Fleming: Oh yes? What did you think?
Publisher: I think it may be your best yet. Such wonderful characters: Red Grant, Rosa Klebb, Kronsteen, Kerim, General Grubby Boys Love Chicks-
Fleming: That’s General Grubozaboyschikov.
Publisher: Wow. Now there’s a mouthful.
Fleming: Indeed.
Publisher: And the heroine, Tatiana. Now, her I liked a lot. But, are you sure you should wait so long before introducing James Bond into the story?
Fleming: Why, yes. I think it builds up the tension rather nicely.
Publisher: Couldn’t you introduce him a little earlier? Perhaps relaxing in a boat with a young lady?
Fleming: No, I’m quite happy with it the way it is.
Publisher: Well, if you’re sure. Speaking of Tatiana, that scene in the hotel room was a bit hot! You don’t think you could, perhaps, tone it down a notch or two?
Fleming: Oh, but that’s very important to the story. It brings the two main characters together and, you should pardon the expression, bonds them.
Publisher: I’ll talk nicely to the censor. Speaking of which, do we need the scene in the gypsy camp with the two girls tearing each others clothes off while fighting?
Fleming: We do. We do indeed.
Publisher: Right. Now, bringing in the Orient Express was a great touch! The atmosphere you created there- some of your best writing!
Fleming: Thank you, I was rather pleased with that.
Publisher: Perhaps you could write in a scene where Bond meets a little Belgian detective and-
Fleming: No! Absolutely not!
Publisher: It wouldn't have to be obvious, you could leave it subtle and-
Fleming: No!
Publisher: Worth a try.
Fleming: What did you think of the ending?
Publisher: Frankly, Ian, that’s the bit I like least. It sounds like Bond is dead!
Fleming: Yes, that’s the idea.
Publisher: You’re killing off James Bond?
Fleming: I’m the one person who can.
Publisher: But why on earth would you want to do that?
Fleming: I’m getting a bit fed up with him, and thought it might be a good idea to give me the opportunity to write other things.
Publisher: You remember what happened with Conan Doyle when he did that with Sherlock Holmes? He had to bring him back!
Fleming: Well, I’ll soften the ending a bit then so he might not be dead and could be brought back in the next book if you like.
Publisher: It’s a decision I think you’ll never regret.
Fleming: Hmm, never say never….
MGW: Er, Cubby, we have a bit of a problem.
Broccoli: What’s up? Has Roger twisted an ankle?
MGW: No, he’s fine.
Broccoli: Is it the props? Has that damned car blown up again?
MGW: No, it’s nothing like that. The on-site caterers have had a problem, they won’t be able to feed the cast & crew today.
Broccoli: That’s no problem- do we have pasta?
MGW: Well, I don’t know…
Broccoli: Find out! And if not, buy some! Buy lots!
MGW: (Writing down.) ...pasta….
Broccoli: And we’ll need tomatoes, lots of tomatoes- or maybe passata.
MGW: (Writing.) … passata…
Broccoli: And garlic, lots of garlic. And Parmesan, don’t forget the Parmesan Michael!
MGW: (Writing)… Parmesan…
Broccoli: And onions! And meatballs!
MGW: But, Cubby, who’s gonna cook all this?
Broccoli: I am!
BB: Time For Death?
(Headshakes around the table, murmurs of "Nah"...)
Fukunaga: Another Day To Die?
All: No... Don't think so...
MGW: The Property Of A Lady? Risico?
BB: Not again, Michael, you try that every time.
Fukunaga: Death Has No Time?
All: Hmmm... Nah... (Headshakes.)
Purvis: Die And Let Live?
Wade: GoldenDie?
(MGW's finger hovers over a button labelled "Purvis & Wade" (just next to one labelled "Mustafa") but BB catches his eye and shakes her head, mouthing "Not yet".)
BB: No Dying Time...
MGW: No Time To Live...
BB/MGW: (Together.) No Time To Die!!!!
All: Yes!
Fukunaga: That's great!
MGW: We'll get to work on that right away.
BB: Yes, we must be ready for April 2020 without fail! We can't put the release of this back. Again.
Purvis/Wade: We're sure that won't be a problem. What could possibly go wrong?
1st Reporter: How does it feel to be the new Bond girl, Unnamed Actress?
Actress: Well, you know, we don’t say “Bond girl” any more.
1st Reporter: Oh yes, of course.
Actress: I’m very pleased to be here, this is an exciting script and I’m very happy to be playing opposite Unnamed Actor as James Bond.
2nd Reporter: You’re just a shade younger than Unnamed Actor, since you’re 23 and he’s 67. Do you see this as a problem?
Actress: Oh no, I think we look terrific together.
2nd Reporter: Can you tell us anything about your part?
Actress: It isn’t the same as all those other Bond gir… er, leading ladies in the past dressed in revealing outfits. Time has moved on since then. She’s much more Bond’s equal.
3rd Reporter: Bond’s equal? We haven’t heard that before.
Actress: Yes, she’s a new type of woman. She isn’t just there so Bond can save her from the bad guy and kiss her at the end of the movie.
(Six months later.)
Actress: (In bikini, tied to unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.) James! James! Help me! Save me!
Bond: But of course.
(Unnamed Actor’s stunt double leaps on a rope, grabs Unnamed Actress, and shoots the villain.)
Bond: That was a swinging time.
Actress: Oh, James….
(They kiss as the end credits roll.)
(Before anyone comments, yes I do know that this sadly did not happen.)
1965. (Jonathan Cape, Publishers.)
Publisher: Ah, there you are, Ian.
Fleming: Good morning.
Publisher: Good morning! I suppose you’d like a-
Fleming: You suppose correctly. Remember, shaken not stirred.
Publisher: Of course.
Fleming: And I suppose you’ve had a look at my new manuscript?
Publisher: That I have, that I have. Gone back to Jamaica again, eh?
Fleming: Well they do say “write what you know” and it’s what I see from my window every day while I’m writing.
Publisher: You got Bond out of the pickle you left him in last time rather neatly, I thought.
Fleming: Well, I couldn’t leave him wandering around thinking he’s a Japanese fisherman.
Publisher: Naturally. What an opening! He tries to kill M then gets de-brainwashed!
Fleming: Just trying to do something a bit different.
Publisher: Of course. Now, this villain Scaramanga...
Fleming: Yes? A problem?
Publisher: Yes, but how can I...? He is not like other people. He has three...
Fleming: (Deliberately unhelpful.) Three…?
Publisher: (Reddening.) Three nipples!
Fleming: (Faking light dawning.) Ah, I see.
Publisher: Does he have to have three nipples?
Fleming: Well, I suppose I could make it four if you like.
Publisher: That’s not what I mean! It just seems a trifle kinky.
Fleming: You didn’t complain when Dr No had steel pincers.
Publisher: Yes, but.. oh all right.
Fleming: It’s a fascinating anatomical titbit.
Publisher: I liked that Mary Goodnight got a bigger role this time, and it was nice seeing Felix Leiter again...
Fleming: Thank you.
Publisher: ….although you seem to have forgotten that he got his left leg chewed off by a shark a few years ago.
Fleming: What do you mean?
Publisher: Well, he breaks his left leg near the end of the book.
Fleming: Ah, but he only got half his left leg chewed off by the shark. It’s the other half he breaks here!
Publisher: It would have to be a pretty crazy Bond fan to remember those kind of details.
Fleming: Indeed. Pretty crazy.
Reminds me of me choosing a name for AJB
(What were some of the names you rejected?
MGW: You nearly blew it last time, boys.
Purvis: What do you mean?
BB: That whole thing with the tidal wave surfing. And that invisible car!
Wade: Oh that.
MGW: Yes, that.
BB: The good news is though, that we can now reset the bar.
Purvis: Oh, whose round is it?
BB: Not what Michael meant, Neal. He meant that we can now make Casino Royale.
MGW: Make it properly. Without any preposterous gadgets or unrealistic "deus ex machina" to save Bond.
BB: Yes, this time we don't want anything - anything! - other than gritty realism.
2006, Czech Republic, doubling as Montenegro.
Craig: Ok, Martin, what's my motivation in this scene?
Campbell: Well Valenka has just poisoned you, so you stumble out to your car, and, umm, die.
Craig: Die?!!
Campbell: Well fortunately your new Aston just happens to have a silenced pistol and, umm, resuscitation equipment inside the glove box.
Craig: So I don't die then?
Campbell: Well you do, you're clinically dead for a few moments, but you're brought back to life, completely fine, no need for hospitalisation, you just need to change your shirt and then you're ready to save the world again. (Pause) Sorry.
Craig: Sorry? Try putting that in a sentence. Like, "sorry to hear about that Pierce, but I gather they want to make the next one one hundred percent realistic", that kind of sorry?
I actually saw a doctor commenting on that scene. He said it's entirely realistic (I mean medically, given the equipment is available). Sorry.
I'm glad your doctor qualified his diagnosis, Number 24, as being just related to the medical procedure. If he or she had commented that a British secret agent accessing resuscitation equipment, which just conveniently happens to be built into his Aston Martin, then dying, being revived from dead, then immediately going on to win a high stakes poker game as being realistic, then I'd have some grave concerns about their judgement.
Loved it, C&D.
Goldfinger: Mr Ling, I want you to meet my nemesis, James Bond.
Mr Ling: You’ve got him unconscious and tied down? Why don’t you just kill him?
Goldfinger: I have an even better idea. I’m going to exchange witty dialogue with him while my (Makes quote signs.) “laser beam” burns its way up the table toward his most sensitive parts.
Mr Ling: Why don’t you just shoot him now? I’ll go get a gun. We’ll shoot him together.
Goldfinger: Mr Ling, it has to be an overly elaborate and exotic death. Preferably using my (Makes quote signs.) “laser beam”.
Mr Ling: I have a gun in my room. You give me five seconds, I’ll get it. I’ll come back, boom! I’ll blow his brains out. It’s no hassle.
Goldfinger: Mr Ling, you just don’t get this…. (Walks away.)
Mr Ling: (Mutters.) Fat bastard….
He actually said people can function as normal right after being "re-booted" like that. Sorry to take some of the witty sting out of your post (that's a lie - I loved it
Oh behave!
I just played around with film titles for a bit substituting words that rhymed eg Spoonbreaker, Tunemaker, A Shoe to Fill, No Crime to Lie, and did the same with some of the henchmen, well tried to anyway. I got a bit carried away and came up with Woman with the Golden Bun which amused me for a few seconds but I quickly dismissed that as being too stupid. I neither have golden hair or wear my hair in a bun
Tunemaker I like, but then I would!
Bond: Well, it'sh hardly worth the effort. After all, I wouldn't know which one of you to kill.
Blofeld 1: We appreciate your predicament, Mr Bond.
Blofeld 2: We deeply sympathise.
Guy Hamilton: And cut! Everyone take five.
(The two cats are taken to their area on the side of the set.)
Tiddles: So, your first James Bond film then?
Snowy: Yes, it is- you’ve obviously done them before?
Tiddles: Oh yes. In my first one I had to sit in some guy’s lap and was fed a Siamese Fighting Fish.
Snowy: Really? That sounds good, I’ve never had one of those.
Tiddles: Then a couple of years later I just had to sit on the same guy’s lap and be stroked.
Snowy: Sounds good, too.
Tiddles: But the one after that was awful! They kept exploding things and firing guns. I was really scared! This little guy with a scar was holding me tight and I just wanted to get away.
Snowy: And did you?
Tiddles: Oh, yes, eventually. I bet I scratched him bad- I just ran off and hid, it took them two weeks to coax me back out again.
Snowy: Did that put you off being in another one?
Tiddles: Definitely, but they got me back anyway and promised they’d be really nice to me this time. It was a different guy stroking me.
Snowy: Ah, that would be better.
Tiddles: Well, apart from the time he got a phone message “Der Englander ist verschwunden”.
Snowy: “Der Englander ist verschwunden”? What does that mean?
Tiddles: I don’t know, I don’t speak French. I suppose it means “Throw the cat to the floor” because that’s what he did!
Snowy: Terrible.
Tiddles: Well, at least nothing like that’s going to happen this time, I hope. They’ve all been really nice this time.
Snowy: I like the guy in the tuxedo who talksh like thish.
Tiddles: Yes, I’ve met him before. Then he was replaced with another fella, but he seems to be back now.
Guy: Everyone back on set, positions please! Only one of the cats this time.
Tiddles: Do you want to do it or shall I?
Snowy: Let me do it, I don’t think it’ll be much to worry about.
Tiddles: No worries, catch you later.
Guy: Ok, someone put the cat on the couch…. Ready, Sean? Action!!!
Snowy: Meooooow!!!!!
(No cats were harmed in the making of this conversation.)
Feel free to use it!
Best one yet! Hilarious!