Dr Kananga: What? Oh yes, Whisper. I want you to put on this waiter’s uniform.
(Whisper looks very doubtful.)
Dr Kananga: Don’t worry, we’ve had it tailored. You are to go to the hotel and put this on. There, you will obtain a bottle of Bollinger and take it to Bungalow 12.
Whisper: Suppose he hasn’t ordered it?
Dr Kananga: Trust me, he will. We’ve studied this guy. You leave the bottle with him. Then, you sneak around to the back of the bungalow and obtain access to the bathroom plumbing. You will insert this (He displays a small cage, containing a snake.) into the plumbing. Then you will make your way off and the snake will bite him and kill him.
Whisper: Can’t I just poison the champagne?
Dr Kananga: What?
Whisper: I mean, this seems like a very long roundabout way to go to kill somebody. I could very easily put poison into the champagne and-
Dr Kananga: Whisper, you just don’t get this at all. Now go!
Dr Kananga: Now, Rosie, you know what to do?
Rosie: Yes, sir. I’m to make him think I’m on his side. Sleep with him. Then the next day, take him up in the hills down there to where Tee Hee will be waiting with a gun inside a coconut-headed scarecrow.
Dr Kananga: That’s it.
Rosie: But, sir…?
Dr Kananga: Yes, Rosie?
Rosie: Why don’t I just shoot him?
Dr Kananga: Shoot him?
Rosie: Yes, I mean, I can get his gun easy enough and just shoot him. Then we don’t have to take him all the way to-
Dr Kananga: Rosie… have you been talking to Whisper?
Greetings, my friends. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here. That is why I am here. That is why here exists. And now, for the first time, we are bringing you the full story of what happened. We are giving you all the evidence, based on the secret testimonies of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places, my friends, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Let us punish the guilty, let us reward the innocent. My friends, can your hearts survive the shocking facts about this ever changing world in which we are living?
Starring
CHRISTOPHER LEE (obviously) as BELA LUGOSI
and Ed's wife's chiropractor
RICHARD KIEL as TOR JOHNSON
EVA GREEN as VAMPIRA
SOLITAIRE as CRISWELL
Directed by
LEE TAMAHORI as EDWARD D. WOOD, JR
Guaranteed-
The worst special effects this side of “Diamonds Are Forever”!
The worst script this side of the 1967 “Casino Royale”!
The worst acting since Sean Connery pretended to be Japanese!
I believe there's a cinema in the USA which holds yearly showings of "Plan 9 From Outer Space" in which the audience all dress appropriately and shout such things as "Bela!" and "Not Bela!" at the screen. I'd love to be there.
1979. Shooting of “Moonraker”. Director Lewis Gilbert is filming the scene in which Drax’s two Dobermann Pinschers chase and kill Corrine.
Lewis: Now, Corrine, this is your last scene. You go running off into the woods-
Corrine: And there I take my clothes off?
Lewis: (Patiently.) No, Corrine, I’ve told you before, you don’t do that. The dogs will chase you into the woods and catch you and kill you.
Corrine: Oooh!
Lewis: Don’t worry, they are very well trained, they won’t hurt you.
Corrine: But suppose they don’t chase me?
Lewis: Don’t worry, they will. We’re going to cover you in liver pate so they will chase you, but when they catch you they will just lick the pate off you.
Corrine: Are you sure?
Lewis: Yes, there’s nothing to worry about.
(Not far away, the two dogs are listening.)
Debbie: Did you hear that, Dobbie? Liver pate!
Dobbie: Yes, I heard- I love liver pate!
Debbie: All we have to do is chase the girl and start licking- yummy!
Dobbie: Now, listen to me carefully, Debbie- I don’t want you to do what you did with the steak earlier.
Debbie: What? I did it perfectly! I didn’t touch the steak until the guy with the beard snapped his fingers, then I ate it.
Dobbie: Yes, but you did it right first time. If we had done something wrong, then they would have had to do it again and we would have had two bits of steak!
Debbie: Oh yeah, you’re right.
Dobbie: So this time, we have to make sure to screw up their first take so they have to shoot it again and we get even more liver pate!
Debbie: But how can we do that?
Dobbie: Easy- I happen to know that the girl, Corrine, is very ticklish.
Debbie: Ticklish, eh?
Dobbie: So you make sure to lick her feet and I’ll lick under her arms.
Debbie: Brilliant!
Lewis: Right, everyone in place? Dogs ready to go? Corrine, are you ready?
Corrine: Yes, Lewis.
Lewis: Then…. Action!
(Corrine starts to run. The dog handler waits a few seconds then lets the dogs go.)
(The dogs catch Corrine. As they had planned, Debbie licks her feet and Dobbie licks under her arms. They are happily enjoying the liver pate when….)
Lewis: Cut! Corrine, why are you laughing?
Corrine: I’m sorry, Lewis, the dogs are tickling me.
Lewis: Oh God…. Right, get the dogs back to their starting point. Corrine, come back over here so we can cover you in liver pate again…. Everyone ready? Take 2!
I'd like to start a thread in the Off-Topic forum about this movie, and Ed Wood more generally, if i thought there'd be enough support for one. All comments welcome.
That's a 1988 release of a live performance at the Hammersmith Palais. It's trumped the original recording on the playlists of every goth club I've been to since.
I'd probably chip in to a 'Plan 9' thread.
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
Robot Monster. I remember giving an oral report on that in middle school (got a lot of laughs), and again in college. In college the report was in German. The instructor was in disbelief as I explained to her the robot alien that looked a gorilla wearing a diving helmet. I really had to work on the vocabulary for that one, especially since it was pre-internet.
I write to report my feelings on the way in which the defection of Georgi Koskov, a high-ranking KGB General, from Bratislava has been handled.
As you know, his defection was my “baby”. He contacted me and I planned it out to the last detail. Feeling sure that the KGB would attempt to kill him during his escape, he asked for Agent 007 to be assigned to cover him.
It is my feeling that this agent treated this very serious matter more like a fancy dress ball. His arrival was dangerously late. His attention was diverted by an attractive blonde girl with a cello in the orchestra whose concert General Koskov was attending and during which he would make his escape.
Furthermore, when this escape was made and it became apparent that this woman was in fact the KGB assassin I did clearly see Agent 007 divert his aim so as not to take out the assassin but merely to incapacitate her.
Once General Koskov was in our custody Agent 007 immediately closed down my intended method of escape to the west and took the General off to an escape channel of his own. When I asked what this was, he merely replied “Sorry, old man. Section 26, paragraph 5. Need-to-know. Sure you understand.”
Although this matter did come to a satisfactory conclusion in that General Koskov did manage to defect, I feel I must protest in the strongest possible terms about the attitude of 007 towards proper protocol and procedures and how such matters should be carried out.
If the Ed Wood thread I've started is popular, we can then look at such cinematic masterpieces as "The Giant Claw"
and "Robot Monster"
either in their own thread or later in Ed's one. (If anyone hasn't seen these, please do, especially if you're feeling a bit down. Guaranteed laughs! I especially like the Billion Bubble Machine in "Robot Monster ")
1969. Eon HQ, inside a yacht which can split in two. Cubby Broccoli and Harry Saltzman sit in an imposing office.
Harry: Look, are we sure we want to do this?
Cubby: We have to cross all the “t”s and dot all the “i”s.
Harry: Yeah, you’re right, Cubby. (He presses a button on the intercom.) Send Mr Connery in, please.
(The door opens and a tall man with black hair comes in.)
Cubby: Sit down, please, Mr Connery.
Connery: Thank you.
(Neil Connery takes a seat.)
Harry: Now, I think we all know why we’re here. We have a vacancy for, shall we say, a certain starring role and your name has come up as a possible candidate.
Neil: I believe that to be true.
Cubby: However, despite your obvious qualifications, we were not very pleased when you took a part in an Italian film. A film with a few different titles, but for simplicity let us refer to it as (He shudders.) “Operation Kid Brother.”
Neil: Ah well, I needed the money they were offering.
Harry: We also weren’t happy that some of our regular cast chose to appear in “Operation Kid Brother” alongside you.
Neil: Again, they needed the money.
Cubby: However, we are prepared to overlook that if you meet all our other requirements. Now, I understand that you were dubbed in that film.
Neil: Indeed.
Harry: Any idea why that should be?
Neil: No, I jusht don’t know. They never ashked me.
(Cubby and Harry stare at each other.)
Cubby: Now, there’s no need to do an impression.
Neil: Impreshion? Thish ish the way I shpeak.
Harry: That may be either a bonus to us, or a problem. We’ll have to shpeak, er, I mean talk about it between ourselves.
Neil: I shee.
Cubby: Have you had any other offers recently?
Neil: Well, I wash in the running to do an advertishement for chocolate, but I think they’re probably going to go with shome Aushtralian chap.
Harry: Right… well, thank you very much for your time, Mr Connery, and we will be sure to let you know our decision once we have made it.
Neil: Thank you.
(He gets up and goes.)
Cubby: Well, I don’t know about this, Harry. He certainly looks like him and sounds like him but that might be, you know, seem as just a gimmick.
Harry: Yeah, I know what you mean. Tell you what, let’s have a look at this Australian guy in the chocolate ad.
2002. The Rubyeon Hotel, Hong Kong. James Bond, clad in sodden pyjamas and with long, uncombed hair and beard, is chatting with the manager Mr Chang, who has just ordered that the Presidential Suite be opened for our man.
Mr Chang: Been busy, have we, Mr Bond?
Bond: Just surviving, Mr Chang. Just surviving.
(As soon as Bond walks away, Mr Chang lifts a phone and starts talking.)
(In Bond’s room, he picks up a razor and begins shaving his unkempt beard. He’s about halfway through when there’s a knock at the door, followed by five fabulous guys bursting in to the room.)
Ted: Well, hello there.
Thom: Love the room!
Bond: There must have been some kind of mistake, I didn’t-
Carson: No mistake, Mr Bond, we come with compliments of the manager.
Bond: But-
Jai: You just can’t go around in public looking like that!
Bond: I know that, and-
Kyan: Oh my, that beard has just got to go.
Bond: Yes, well, that was what I was doing when you all-
Ted: And will you look at that hair? Kyan, you have to deal with that!
Kyan: I certainly will!
Bond: But-
(The five guys manoeuvre Bond into a seat and set to work with scissors, trimmers, etc. Hair goes flying all over the place.)
Bond: Look, will you just-
Carson: I’ve brought you five choices of shirt, six ties, and eight suits.
Bond: That’s very kind of you-
Ted: Now, out of those wet things at once before you catch your death!
(They strip off Bond’s pyjamas.)
Carson: Now, into this shirt and trousers. Quickly, now.
(Bond is forced into the first set of clothing.)
Thom: I don’t know, I’m not so sure about those.
Bond: But-
Carson: Well, let’s try these… Oh yes, that’s much better!
Kyan: Did you remember the shoes, Carson?
Carson: Well, of course I remembered the shoes! Do you want them with lifts?
Bond: Lifts? Oh, no.
Ted: (Aside.) Put those aside for about four years, Carson.
Carson: Right-o. Here, Mr Bond.
(Bond reluctantly puts on a set of shoes.)
Ted: Oh, those complement the shirt so well!
Jai: Not so fast, we have to see them with the tie first!
(With bewildering speed, Bond is dressed with a tie.)
Thom: I’m not so sure…
Carson: Not so sure, let’s try this one!
(One tie after another is tried until finally they all agree.)
Kyan: Oh, that is just so you!
Ted: The jacket now.
(After some minor discussion, the perfect jacket is found.)
Carson: Navy Birdseye, just the one!
Bond: Look, I don’t want to appear ungrateful but-
(There is a knock at the door.)
Jai: Oh, that’ll be the masseuse.
Bond: (Head spinning.) Masseuse?
Ted: Don’t worry, Mr Bond, we’ll just make ourselves scarce.
(The five disappear out a side door, leaving a slightly bewildered Bond to take off the jacket and tie before answering the door.)
Masseuse: I am Peaceful Fountains Of Desire. The masseuse. I come with compliments of the manager.
Comments
Great work, Barbel! Always finding the stories behind the headlines.
I think you should write the next screenplay @Barbel then we would get a proper Bond story 😁😁😁
Thanks, guys. More soon!
1972. San Monique.
Whisper: You sent for me, boss?
Dr Kananga: What? Oh yes, Whisper. I want you to put on this waiter’s uniform.
(Whisper looks very doubtful.)
Dr Kananga: Don’t worry, we’ve had it tailored. You are to go to the hotel and put this on. There, you will obtain a bottle of Bollinger and take it to Bungalow 12.
Whisper: Suppose he hasn’t ordered it?
Dr Kananga: Trust me, he will. We’ve studied this guy. You leave the bottle with him. Then, you sneak around to the back of the bungalow and obtain access to the bathroom plumbing. You will insert this (He displays a small cage, containing a snake.) into the plumbing. Then you will make your way off and the snake will bite him and kill him.
Whisper: Can’t I just poison the champagne?
Dr Kananga: What?
Whisper: I mean, this seems like a very long roundabout way to go to kill somebody. I could very easily put poison into the champagne and-
Dr Kananga: Whisper, you just don’t get this at all. Now go!
Dr Kananga: Now, Rosie, you know what to do?
Rosie: Yes, sir. I’m to make him think I’m on his side. Sleep with him. Then the next day, take him up in the hills down there to where Tee Hee will be waiting with a gun inside a coconut-headed scarecrow.
Dr Kananga: That’s it.
Rosie: But, sir…?
Dr Kananga: Yes, Rosie?
Rosie: Why don’t I just shoot him?
Dr Kananga: Shoot him?
Rosie: Yes, I mean, I can get his gun easy enough and just shoot him. Then we don’t have to take him all the way to-
Dr Kananga: Rosie… have you been talking to Whisper?
PLAN 007 FROM OUTER SPACE
Solitaire predicts:
Greetings, my friends. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here. That is why I am here. That is why here exists. And now, for the first time, we are bringing you the full story of what happened. We are giving you all the evidence, based on the secret testimonies of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places, my friends, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Let us punish the guilty, let us reward the innocent. My friends, can your hearts survive the shocking facts about this ever changing world in which we are living?
Starring
CHRISTOPHER LEE (obviously) as BELA LUGOSI
and Ed's wife's chiropractor
RICHARD KIEL as TOR JOHNSON
EVA GREEN as VAMPIRA
SOLITAIRE as CRISWELL
Directed by
LEE TAMAHORI as EDWARD D. WOOD, JR
Guaranteed-
The worst special effects this side of “Diamonds Are Forever”!
The worst script this side of the 1967 “Casino Royale”!
The worst acting since Sean Connery pretended to be Japanese!
Colourised version now available.
I can't wait!
A worthy successor to "The Rocky Horror Show" or "The Room" for midnight screenings.
I look forward to Lee Tamahori topping his last "masterpiece".
The worst special effects this side of “Diamonds Are Forever”!
The worst script this side of the 1967 “Casino Royale”!
The worst acting since Sean Connery pretended to be Japanese!
I believe there's a cinema in the USA which holds yearly showings of "Plan 9 From Outer Space" in which the audience all dress appropriately and shout such things as "Bela!" and "Not Bela!" at the screen. I'd love to be there.
1979. Shooting of “Moonraker”. Director Lewis Gilbert is filming the scene in which Drax’s two Dobermann Pinschers chase and kill Corrine.
Lewis: Now, Corrine, this is your last scene. You go running off into the woods-
Corrine: And there I take my clothes off?
Lewis: (Patiently.) No, Corrine, I’ve told you before, you don’t do that. The dogs will chase you into the woods and catch you and kill you.
Corrine: Oooh!
Lewis: Don’t worry, they are very well trained, they won’t hurt you.
Corrine: But suppose they don’t chase me?
Lewis: Don’t worry, they will. We’re going to cover you in liver pate so they will chase you, but when they catch you they will just lick the pate off you.
Corrine: Are you sure?
Lewis: Yes, there’s nothing to worry about.
(Not far away, the two dogs are listening.)
Debbie: Did you hear that, Dobbie? Liver pate!
Dobbie: Yes, I heard- I love liver pate!
Debbie: All we have to do is chase the girl and start licking- yummy!
Dobbie: Now, listen to me carefully, Debbie- I don’t want you to do what you did with the steak earlier.
Debbie: What? I did it perfectly! I didn’t touch the steak until the guy with the beard snapped his fingers, then I ate it.
Dobbie: Yes, but you did it right first time. If we had done something wrong, then they would have had to do it again and we would have had two bits of steak!
Debbie: Oh yeah, you’re right.
Dobbie: So this time, we have to make sure to screw up their first take so they have to shoot it again and we get even more liver pate!
Debbie: But how can we do that?
Dobbie: Easy- I happen to know that the girl, Corrine, is very ticklish.
Debbie: Ticklish, eh?
Dobbie: So you make sure to lick her feet and I’ll lick under her arms.
Debbie: Brilliant!
Lewis: Right, everyone in place? Dogs ready to go? Corrine, are you ready?
Corrine: Yes, Lewis.
Lewis: Then…. Action!
(Corrine starts to run. The dog handler waits a few seconds then lets the dogs go.)
(The dogs catch Corrine. As they had planned, Debbie licks her feet and Dobbie licks under her arms. They are happily enjoying the liver pate when….)
Lewis: Cut! Corrine, why are you laughing?
Corrine: I’m sorry, Lewis, the dogs are tickling me.
Lewis: Oh God…. Right, get the dogs back to their starting point. Corrine, come back over here so we can cover you in liver pate again…. Everyone ready? Take 2!
Take 3!
Take 4!
🙂🙂🙂 I love 'Plan 9'. The film that's so bad it's darn good!
Maybe Bauhaus should follow up on their classic 'Bela Lugosi's Dead' with 'Double-O Seven's Dead' as an alternative track to the end titles of NTTD...
(In 'Dracula', of course, it was Bela all the way - but here the "Oh, Bela!" cries start at 6.40)
I'd like to start a thread in the Off-Topic forum about this movie, and Ed Wood more generally, if i thought there'd be enough support for one. All comments welcome.
1985. Michael G. Wilson’s office. The telephone rings.
MGW: Hello?
Secretary: (On phone.) Michaela Clavell for you, Mr Wilson.
MGW: Again? Oh well, put her through.
Michaela: Hello? Mr Wilson?
MGW: Yes, Michaela, what can I do for you?
Michaela: I called yesterday to speak with Mr Broccoli like you said, but he told me to call back today and ask for you.
MGW: (Mentally making a note to speak with Cubby later.) Yes, I’m sure he did.
Michaela: It’s about Miss Smallbone.
MGW: Miss Smallbone?
Michaela: Yes, you remember Miss Penelope Smallbone. I played her in “Octopussy”.
MGW: Oh yes, that’s right, of course you did.
Michaela: But I haven’t heard any more about it since and I know you begin shooting on the next one very soon.
MGW: Yes, that’s right.
Michaela: “A View To A Kill”.
MGW: Yes, Michaela, I know what it’s called.
Michaela: So I need to know if you’ll be needing me or not.
MGW: Yes, well…
Michaela: I mean, I was introduced as Miss Moneypenny’s assistant.
MGW: That’s true.
Michaela: And it looked like, and I thought, that I would be taking over from her very soon.
MGW: Yes, it did look like that, didn’t it?
Michaela: I mean, Lois Maxwell isn’t getting any younger, is she?
MGW: Ah, well, er, em…..
Michaela: So you see, I would like to know if you’ll be needing me or not.
MGW: Ah, yes, well, we, er, we haven’t come to any final decision as yet but when we do I shall be sure to let you know.
Michaela: Oh right. Well, thank you, Mr Wilson.
MGW: Not at all.
(He hangs up and looks across his desk. Lois Maxwell leans over and gives him a chaste kiss, followed by a red rose.)
Haven't heard that in years- is that a remix?
That's a 1988 release of a live performance at the Hammersmith Palais. It's trumped the original recording on the playlists of every goth club I've been to since.
I'd probably chip in to a 'Plan 9' thread.
We've had different lives. I can count the goth clubs I've been to on the fingers in a clenched fist. 😁
I’m up for that! Maybe make the thread about schlock horror movies, then we could include gems like The Giant Claw and Robit Monster 😁
Ah, lovely Lois as Moneypenny. Bernard as M, Desmond as Q - the Holy Trinity. All the others pale into insignificance in comparison.
Robot Monster. I remember giving an oral report on that in middle school (got a lot of laughs), and again in college. In college the report was in German. The instructor was in disbelief as I explained to her the robot alien that looked a gorilla wearing a diving helmet. I really had to work on the vocabulary for that one, especially since it was pre-internet.
Me too - it'll turn up in these pages before very long. Kudos, N24.
1987.
From: Head Of Station “V”
Vienna
Austria
To: Head Of Service
Regents Park
London
Sir:
I write to report my feelings on the way in which the defection of Georgi Koskov, a high-ranking KGB General, from Bratislava has been handled.
As you know, his defection was my “baby”. He contacted me and I planned it out to the last detail. Feeling sure that the KGB would attempt to kill him during his escape, he asked for Agent 007 to be assigned to cover him.
It is my feeling that this agent treated this very serious matter more like a fancy dress ball. His arrival was dangerously late. His attention was diverted by an attractive blonde girl with a cello in the orchestra whose concert General Koskov was attending and during which he would make his escape.
Furthermore, when this escape was made and it became apparent that this woman was in fact the KGB assassin I did clearly see Agent 007 divert his aim so as not to take out the assassin but merely to incapacitate her.
Once General Koskov was in our custody Agent 007 immediately closed down my intended method of escape to the west and took the General off to an escape channel of his own. When I asked what this was, he merely replied “Sorry, old man. Section 26, paragraph 5. Need-to-know. Sure you understand.”
Although this matter did come to a satisfactory conclusion in that General Koskov did manage to defect, I feel I must protest in the strongest possible terms about the attitude of 007 towards proper protocol and procedures and how such matters should be carried out.
Paul Saunders
Head of Station “V”
If the Ed Wood thread I've started is popular, we can then look at such cinematic masterpieces as "The Giant Claw"
and "Robot Monster"
either in their own thread or later in Ed's one. (If anyone hasn't seen these, please do, especially if you're feeling a bit down. Guaranteed laughs! I especially like the Billion Bubble Machine in "Robot Monster ")
This is a classified document you are publishing, word by word. This is highly illegal according to Section 14, Paragraph 8. What are your sources?
This follows from post #2263 above. It's George time again!
1996. A theatrical agent’s office. George Lazenby enters.
Lazenby: G’day.
Agent: George, my boy, come in, come in.
Lazenby: You wanted to see me?
Agent: Yes, yes, but have a seat. (Lazenby sits.) Would you like a drink?
Lazenby: That’s very kind of you, I’ll have a Fosters, thanks.
Agent: There you go.
Lazenby: Now, what was it you wanted to see me about?
Agent: I have a job for you which I think you might be interested in.
Lazenby: Oh yes?
Agent: It’s one you’ve done before.
Lazenby: (Eyes widening.) One I’ve done before, eh?
Agent: Yes, but not for a long, long time. Since the 1960s, in fact.
Lazenby: (Very interested.) Since the 60s, you say…
Agent: One which made your name, you might say.
Lazenby: (Getting impatient.) I’m interested. Very interested.
Agent: The guy who was doing it has resigned, very suddenly.
Lazenby: (Becoming excited.) He has?
Agent: Yes, nobody expected that. And since you’ve done it before, your name came up as a candidate.
Lazenby: Right. I think I will be available.
Agent: That’s great. I’ll tell the chocolate people that you’re in.
Lazenby: The chocolate people????
Agent: Yes, you remember- you used to carry the big box of chocolate and hand them out to people.
Lazenby: Aw, cobblers.
I remember those ads as a kid like they were on yesterday, my dad even said he looks like James Bond!!
Yes, me too. In fact, I've now got the song from the ad playing non-stop in my head. Argh!
1995. The household of Robert Brown. He is pacing up and down.
Mrs Brown: Oh for heaven’s sake, Robert, will you sit down?
Brown: I can’t! They start filming next week and I haven’t yet had a call. Time is running short.
Mrs Brown: If they want you, they’ll call.
Brown: That’s just it- I’m scared they don’t want me!
Mrs Brown: Well, walking up and down won’t help.
Brown: I can’t sit- I have to have my mind settled.
Mrs Brown: Look on the bright side- you have played “M” for them in the last four James Bond movies. You’re established.
Brown: Do you think that would stop them? They dropped Lois Maxwell after she played Miss Moneypenny for them fourteen times!
Mrs Brown: Yes, well….
Brown: And I’ve heard rumours- it seems they are thinking of having “M” played by a woman in the next film!
Mrs Brown: A woman?
Brown: That’s right.
Mrs Brown: That sounds crazy.
Brown: That’s what I’ve heard.
Mrs Brown: What’s the next film called, anyway?
Brown: “GoldenEye”.
Mrs Brown: Well, let’s just wait and see. Care for a drink?
1969. Eon HQ, inside a yacht which can split in two. Cubby Broccoli and Harry Saltzman sit in an imposing office.
Harry: Look, are we sure we want to do this?
Cubby: We have to cross all the “t”s and dot all the “i”s.
Harry: Yeah, you’re right, Cubby. (He presses a button on the intercom.) Send Mr Connery in, please.
(The door opens and a tall man with black hair comes in.)
Cubby: Sit down, please, Mr Connery.
Connery: Thank you.
(Neil Connery takes a seat.)
Harry: Now, I think we all know why we’re here. We have a vacancy for, shall we say, a certain starring role and your name has come up as a possible candidate.
Neil: I believe that to be true.
Cubby: However, despite your obvious qualifications, we were not very pleased when you took a part in an Italian film. A film with a few different titles, but for simplicity let us refer to it as (He shudders.) “Operation Kid Brother.”
Neil: Ah well, I needed the money they were offering.
Harry: We also weren’t happy that some of our regular cast chose to appear in “Operation Kid Brother” alongside you.
Neil: Again, they needed the money.
Cubby: However, we are prepared to overlook that if you meet all our other requirements. Now, I understand that you were dubbed in that film.
Neil: Indeed.
Harry: Any idea why that should be?
Neil: No, I jusht don’t know. They never ashked me.
(Cubby and Harry stare at each other.)
Cubby: Now, there’s no need to do an impression.
Neil: Impreshion? Thish ish the way I shpeak.
Harry: That may be either a bonus to us, or a problem. We’ll have to shpeak, er, I mean talk about it between ourselves.
Neil: I shee.
Cubby: Have you had any other offers recently?
Neil: Well, I wash in the running to do an advertishement for chocolate, but I think they’re probably going to go with shome Aushtralian chap.
Harry: Right… well, thank you very much for your time, Mr Connery, and we will be sure to let you know our decision once we have made it.
Neil: Thank you.
(He gets up and goes.)
Cubby: Well, I don’t know about this, Harry. He certainly looks like him and sounds like him but that might be, you know, seem as just a gimmick.
Harry: Yeah, I know what you mean. Tell you what, let’s have a look at this Australian guy in the chocolate ad.
Cubby: Australian? What does he sound like?
Harry: Only one way to find out….
🤣🤣🤣
2002. The Rubyeon Hotel, Hong Kong. James Bond, clad in sodden pyjamas and with long, uncombed hair and beard, is chatting with the manager Mr Chang, who has just ordered that the Presidential Suite be opened for our man.
Mr Chang: Been busy, have we, Mr Bond?
Bond: Just surviving, Mr Chang. Just surviving.
(As soon as Bond walks away, Mr Chang lifts a phone and starts talking.)
(In Bond’s room, he picks up a razor and begins shaving his unkempt beard. He’s about halfway through when there’s a knock at the door, followed by five fabulous guys bursting in to the room.)
Ted: Well, hello there.
Thom: Love the room!
Bond: There must have been some kind of mistake, I didn’t-
Carson: No mistake, Mr Bond, we come with compliments of the manager.
Bond: But-
Jai: You just can’t go around in public looking like that!
Bond: I know that, and-
Kyan: Oh my, that beard has just got to go.
Bond: Yes, well, that was what I was doing when you all-
Ted: And will you look at that hair? Kyan, you have to deal with that!
Kyan: I certainly will!
Bond: But-
(The five guys manoeuvre Bond into a seat and set to work with scissors, trimmers, etc. Hair goes flying all over the place.)
Bond: Look, will you just-
Carson: I’ve brought you five choices of shirt, six ties, and eight suits.
Bond: That’s very kind of you-
Ted: Now, out of those wet things at once before you catch your death!
(They strip off Bond’s pyjamas.)
Carson: Now, into this shirt and trousers. Quickly, now.
(Bond is forced into the first set of clothing.)
Thom: I don’t know, I’m not so sure about those.
Bond: But-
Carson: Well, let’s try these… Oh yes, that’s much better!
Kyan: Did you remember the shoes, Carson?
Carson: Well, of course I remembered the shoes! Do you want them with lifts?
Bond: Lifts? Oh, no.
Ted: (Aside.) Put those aside for about four years, Carson.
Carson: Right-o. Here, Mr Bond.
(Bond reluctantly puts on a set of shoes.)
Ted: Oh, those complement the shirt so well!
Jai: Not so fast, we have to see them with the tie first!
(With bewildering speed, Bond is dressed with a tie.)
Thom: I’m not so sure…
Carson: Not so sure, let’s try this one!
(One tie after another is tried until finally they all agree.)
Kyan: Oh, that is just so you!
Ted: The jacket now.
(After some minor discussion, the perfect jacket is found.)
Carson: Navy Birdseye, just the one!
Bond: Look, I don’t want to appear ungrateful but-
(There is a knock at the door.)
Jai: Oh, that’ll be the masseuse.
Bond: (Head spinning.) Masseuse?
Ted: Don’t worry, Mr Bond, we’ll just make ourselves scarce.
(The five disappear out a side door, leaving a slightly bewildered Bond to take off the jacket and tie before answering the door.)
Masseuse: I am Peaceful Fountains Of Desire. The masseuse. I come with compliments of the manager.
Bond: I’m sure you do. Come in….
I have no idea who those “five fabulous guys” are (I really am out of touch with today’s world) but that was hilarious, Barbel 😂😂😂