1987. Eon HQ, inside a petrol tanker near Isthmus City. Richard Maibaum and Michael G. Wilson are running over the plot of “The Living Daylights” for Cubby Broccoli.
MGW: ...so Whitaker is using the money he got from the Soviets to-
Cubby: Hey, whoa, whoa there. Just back up and take it from the top again, guys, wouldya please?
Richard: No problem, Cubby. Before the credits, we see a couple of British agents being murdered and the killer leaves a note saying “Smiert Spionam” to be found.
Cubby: Smart Spam, what did you say?
MGW: It’s what SMERSH stands for. Next we see a Russian general defecting, with Bond covering in case he gets shot trying to get away.
Richard: Later on, he gets snatched back again by what we think are the Soviets, but it isn’t. He goes back to his pal Brad Whitaker in Tangier.
MGW: Whitaker has taken money from the Soviets to provide them with weapons.
Richard: And the general we saw fake defecting, Koskov, helped set that up for him. They’re going to use the money to buy drugs, raw opium, from the Mujaheedin-
Cubby: The who?
MGW: Afghan resistance fighters.
Cubby: And they turn out to be good guys?
Richard: Yeah, sure. Can’t see anything going wrong with that.
MGW: So Whitaker and Koskov make themselves a large profit while still selling weapons to the Soviets.
Richard: Koskov tries to persuade the British to kill his boss, General Pushkin, to cover his traces.
MGW: He makes the British think that Pushkin is behind the deaths of the British agents because of the "Smiert Spionam" scheme.
Richard: Ok, Cubby?
(There is a pause.)
Cubby: Can you take it back to the Soviet general, the one with the Fabergé egg?
(MGW and Richard look at each other, then settle down carefully. This will be a long night.)
Terence: Of course it is! Hello Eunice, I didn’t recognize you without Nikki van der Zyl dubbing your voice.
Eunice: Oh very funny. Now listen, Terence, I have heard that the next James Bond film begins shooting next week.
Terence: “Goldfinger”, that’s right.
Eunice: Well, I haven’t heard anything!
Terence: Not heard anything?
Eunice: That’s right- you remember I played Sylvia Trench in “Dr No”
and then again in “From Russia With Love”?
Terence: Of course I remember, Eunice.
Eunice: They haven’t contacted me yet for the next one!
Terence: Oh, I see.
Eunice: Well, what are you going to do about it?
Terence: I can’t do anything about it.
Eunice: But you’re the director!
Terence: Not on this film- they’ve got some guy named Chap Hamilton, I mean some chap named Guy Hamilton.
Eunice: But why not you?
Terence: (Sighs.) I said to Cubby and Harry that I could do with a percentage of the profits, and they told me exactly what I could do with a percentage of the profits.
Thanks, guys. The Bride really was waiting for a phone call yesterday and while she wasn't pacing up and down it did set my mind wandering along the above directions.
1956. Orson Welles directs “Moonraker”, starring Dirk Bogarde as James Bond
Welles himself as Sir Hugo Drax
Peter Lorre as Krebs
Bogarde: My name is Bond, James Bond.
Welles: Very good, Dirk, very good. Now, in the next scene you find Krebs going through your papers and you kick him very hard sending him flying into the wall.
Lorre: Ow, sounds painful.
Bogarde: Don’t worry, Peter, I’ll only pretend.
Lorre: Yes, that’s what Humphrey Bogart said before punching me in “The Maltese Falcon” and I was bruised for a week.
Welles: Quiet, boys, of course Dirk will only pretend. I’ll have the camera pointing towards Peter’s head so we won’t see Dirk’s foot connecting.
Lorre: Well, if you say so….
Bogarde: Speaking of only pretending, Orson, how are we going to do the scene where Gala and I are beneath the Moonraker as it takes off?
Welles: I have that in hand, Dirk.
Bogarde: Good. We don’t want to be burned up for real!
Welles: No, no, that would be ridiculous- we’re not being ridiculous here! Now, you rehearse that scene again while I go and see about a gondola and a pigeon.
Bogarde: Say what…?
(But Welles has gone. Bogarde does a double take.)
It's my clumsy way of asking what Fleming would have thought about CR06 dropping baccarat in favour of poker via fictional Welles dropping bridge for it.
1956. Pinewood Studios, set of Orson Welles’ sadly mythical version of “Moonraker”. Welles is directing Dirk Bogarde, who is sitting in a gondola against a painted background of Venice.
Welles: Lean in a little more, Dirk.
(Bogarde leans forward as two burly stagehands shake the gondola, to simulate movement on water.)
Bogarde: Are you sure this will look okay, Orson?
Welles: It’ll look just fine, don’t worry. I’ll be intercutting this with the real gondola we shot in the real Venice.
Bogarde: Yes, well… if you say so.
1st Stagehand: Is it all right if we take a break now, Mr Welles?
Welles: Yes, of course. Take five minutes, everyone.
(The Stagehands gratefully put the gondola down. Bogarde walks over to Welles.)
Bogarde: I need some inspiration for this scene. I need to know what my character- what was his name again? James Pond or something like that.
Welles: Bond. James Bond.
Bogarde: Yes, thank you. I need to know what he’s feeling in this gondola.
Welles: Feeling? He’s feeling grateful he isn’t in one of those “Doctor In The House” movies which he could quickly find himself in again if he isn’t careful.
Bogarde: Point taken. Shall we start back to work again, then?
Welles: I think so. (Louder.) Places everyone, back to work.
(The 2nd Stagehand approaches Welles. He is tall and strong-looking, with thinning black hair.)
2nd Stagehand: Er, excushe me?
Welles: Yes, what is it?
2nd Stagehand: Mishter Wellesh, ish it okay if we have jusht another five minutesh? I mean, rocking thish gondola ishn’t eashy, you know.
Welles: Fair enough, another five minutes.
2nd Stagehand: Ah, thank you Mr Wellesh.
Welles: Now, where did I put that pigeon….?
2nd Stagehand: Pigeon? You’re the villain, you should be shtroking a white cat.
Welles: White cat…? Good idea, young man, I can see you going far in this industry.
6th October 2022. Miss Moneypenny’s office. The door opens, and a hand throws a hat accurately on to the stand in the corner.
Moneypenny: James!
(James Bond enters.)
Bond: I believe you were looking for me?
Moneypenny: Yes, I was.
Bond: Moneypenny, you know you only have to ask.
Moneypenny: We’ll get round to that later. M is wanting to see you.
Bond: Ah, well, perhaps I might catch you later?
Moneypenny: (Pressing a button on her intercom.) Perhaps.
(The light above M’s door comes on.)
Moneypenny: But you’d better go in.
Bond: You can say that to me later.
(He goes in to M’s office.)
M: Sit down, 007.
Bond: Thank you, sir.
M: I have a most discreet mission for you. Do you read the “Daily Mail”?
(M points to some papers on his desk.)
Bond: I try to avoid it.
M: They have been carrying out allegedly illegal surveillance on certain prominent members of society- Prince Harry, Sir Elton John, for example.
Bond: I see.
M: I think it is important that this stops immediately. I would like you to eliminate the owner and editor of this… newspaper.
Bond: Sir, that seems a little drastic.
M: Nevertheless, that is what I would like you to do.
Bond: May I just have a look?
(He reaches for the papers.)
M: No, don’t do that!
(But he is too late. Bond is already flicking through the papers.)
Bond: Hmm, there seem to be several people involved in this…
M: Stop that!
Bond: ….including one Gareth Mallory, a senior official at the Ministry of Defence.
M: Please, stop!
Bond: They name the hotel you were staying at, the two other people involved, the youth organization to which they belong… and the shop where you bought the equipment.
M: (Quietly.) Oh God…
Bond: I think we’re better leaving this to the legal people to handle- don’t you, sir?
M: (Muttering.) I suppose so.
Bond: Well, I shall be off then. Don’t worry sir, I won’t say anything.
(One line pinched from Monty Python's classic "Blackmail" sketch- see below)
Hear, hear. David Arnold is clearly still invested in Bond. The best solution to restoring the sound of Bond in the films is there in plain sight - or in plain hearing!
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
The Royal Albert Hall. Standing ovation after Dame Shirley has performed 'Diamonds Are Forever'.
Numerous cries for an encore: "Goldfinger! Goldfinger! Goldfinger"
Lone voice in the audience (Dolly; for it is she): "Moonraker! Moonraker! Moonraker!"
Dame Shirley (on stage, trying to spot the outlier): "Where are you? Why do you hide?"
Dolly (waving at Dame Shirley, with a beaming grin): "Moonraker! Moonraker! Moonraker!"
Dame Shirley (spotting Dolly): "I don't sing thaaat... for what good did that song do me? Moonlight trails are just phooey! When moonlight's gone, diamonds lustrrrre! Diamonds are forever... forever... forever..."
Dolly (pouting petulantly, hopes fading): "The moonraker? The moonraker? The moonraker?"
Dame Shirley: "Pretty girl, beware of his dream of gold! I sing gold! I sing only gold! Only gold! Only golllllld!!"
David Arnold (from the wings, also pouting petulantly): "No Good About Goodbye? No Good About Goodbye? No good? No??"
Embarrassed, MGW and Barbara Broccoli shift uncomfortably in their seats.
Dame Shirley smiles wistfully, takes a final bow and exits.
Jack White and Alicia Keys strut forward and cover the disco version of 'Moonraker' as a weird rock number.
Audience rushes for exits. Except for one couple...
Jaws joins Dolly with a bottle of champagne: "Well, here's to us!"
Jack White and Alicia Keys spontaneously combust.
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
Comments
They're from a TV show called "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy", CHB.
For @chrisno1
1987. Eon HQ, inside a petrol tanker near Isthmus City. Richard Maibaum and Michael G. Wilson are running over the plot of “The Living Daylights” for Cubby Broccoli.
MGW: ...so Whitaker is using the money he got from the Soviets to-
Cubby: Hey, whoa, whoa there. Just back up and take it from the top again, guys, wouldya please?
Richard: No problem, Cubby. Before the credits, we see a couple of British agents being murdered and the killer leaves a note saying “Smiert Spionam” to be found.
Cubby: Smart Spam, what did you say?
MGW: It’s what SMERSH stands for. Next we see a Russian general defecting, with Bond covering in case he gets shot trying to get away.
Richard: Later on, he gets snatched back again by what we think are the Soviets, but it isn’t. He goes back to his pal Brad Whitaker in Tangier.
MGW: Whitaker has taken money from the Soviets to provide them with weapons.
Richard: And the general we saw fake defecting, Koskov, helped set that up for him. They’re going to use the money to buy drugs, raw opium, from the Mujaheedin-
Cubby: The who?
MGW: Afghan resistance fighters.
Cubby: And they turn out to be good guys?
Richard: Yeah, sure. Can’t see anything going wrong with that.
MGW: So Whitaker and Koskov make themselves a large profit while still selling weapons to the Soviets.
Richard: Koskov tries to persuade the British to kill his boss, General Pushkin, to cover his traces.
MGW: He makes the British think that Pushkin is behind the deaths of the British agents because of the "Smiert Spionam" scheme.
Richard: Ok, Cubby?
(There is a pause.)
Cubby: Can you take it back to the Soviet general, the one with the Fabergé egg?
(MGW and Richard look at each other, then settle down carefully. This will be a long night.)
I know how Cubby feels....
Much appreciated @Barbel
Thank you, Barbel. As Donald Sutherland says in The Dirty Dozen - “Never heard of it” 😂
That reference didn't go over my head at all. At 6'2'' hardly anything does.
4th October 2022. The House Of Barbel. Bride Of Barbel is pacing up and down.
Barbel: Oh, stop pacing up and down, darling.
The Bride: I can’t, I just can’t!
Barbel: It won’t make the phone ring any quicker, you know.
The Bride: I can’t sit, I have to get that call.
Barbel: Look, just sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.
The Bride: I don’t want tea.
Barbel: What? Who are you and what have you done with my wife?
The Bride: Stop fussing about me and go write another of your Imaginary Conversations at the computer.
Barbel: I haven’t got an idea today.
The Bride: Do one of the premieres, you always like them.
Barbel: Done them.
The Bride: What, all of them?
Barbel: Yup. And a few extras too.
The Bride: A Publisher’s Meeting.
Barbel: Done all them.
The Bride: A production meeting.
Barbel: I just did one of those.
The Bride: That’s never stopped you before.
Barbel: Oh, ha ha, very funny.
The Bride: As long as you don’t do one of those where someone is pacing up and down, wearing out the carpet, waiting for a phone call.
Barbel: (Moving towards keyboard.) Wouldn’t dream of it…..
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
1964. Terence Young’s place. The telephone rings.
Terence: Hello?
Eunice Gayson: (On phone.) Terence, darling!
Terence: Who’s calling, please?
Eunice: Why Terence, it’s Eunice!
Terence: Of course it is! Hello Eunice, I didn’t recognize you without Nikki van der Zyl dubbing your voice.
Eunice: Oh very funny. Now listen, Terence, I have heard that the next James Bond film begins shooting next week.
Terence: “Goldfinger”, that’s right.
Eunice: Well, I haven’t heard anything!
Terence: Not heard anything?
Eunice: That’s right- you remember I played Sylvia Trench in “Dr No”
and then again in “From Russia With Love”?
Terence: Of course I remember, Eunice.
Eunice: They haven’t contacted me yet for the next one!
Terence: Oh, I see.
Eunice: Well, what are you going to do about it?
Terence: I can’t do anything about it.
Eunice: But you’re the director!
Terence: Not on this film- they’ve got some guy named Chap Hamilton, I mean some chap named Guy Hamilton.
Eunice: But why not you?
Terence: (Sighs.) I said to Cubby and Harry that I could do with a percentage of the profits, and they told me exactly what I could do with a percentage of the profits.
Eunice: (Sadly.) Oh, I see.
Terence: So there’s nothing I can do, you see.
Eunice: Thanks anyway, Terence.
--------------------------------------------------
4th October 2022. The House Of Barbel. The Bride has had her phone call and is sitting sipping a cup of tea.
The Bride: Did you write one of those Imaginary Conversations, darling?
Barbel: Oh yes. One just came to me out of nowhere.
The Bride: You didn't do another one of those "person pacing the carpet while waiting for a phone call" things again, did you?
Barbel: Wouldn't dream of it....
🤣
🤣🤣🤣
😂😂😂
To paraphrase M in OHMSS…
What would WE do without you, Barbel? Thank you.
Thanks, guys. The Bride really was waiting for a phone call yesterday and while she wasn't pacing up and down it did set my mind wandering along the above directions.
1956. Orson Welles directs “Moonraker”, starring Dirk Bogarde as James Bond
Welles himself as Sir Hugo Drax
Peter Lorre as Krebs
Bogarde: My name is Bond, James Bond.
Welles: Very good, Dirk, very good. Now, in the next scene you find Krebs going through your papers and you kick him very hard sending him flying into the wall.
Lorre: Ow, sounds painful.
Bogarde: Don’t worry, Peter, I’ll only pretend.
Lorre: Yes, that’s what Humphrey Bogart said before punching me in “The Maltese Falcon” and I was bruised for a week.
Welles: Quiet, boys, of course Dirk will only pretend. I’ll have the camera pointing towards Peter’s head so we won’t see Dirk’s foot connecting.
Lorre: Well, if you say so….
Bogarde: Speaking of only pretending, Orson, how are we going to do the scene where Gala and I are beneath the Moonraker as it takes off?
Welles: I have that in hand, Dirk.
Bogarde: Good. We don’t want to be burned up for real!
Welles: No, no, that would be ridiculous- we’re not being ridiculous here! Now, you rehearse that scene again while I go and see about a gondola and a pigeon.
Bogarde: Say what…?
(But Welles has gone. Bogarde does a double take.)
this conversation is fun to imagine because we all know how to imitate Welles' and Lorre's voices
will we see more of this great lost BondFilm?
Maybe by tomorrow, unless you or someone else finds a scene or two lying in their wardrobe?
That's a brilliant imagining @Barbel
Thanks! Now I'll definitely have to do a bit more tomorrow.
1956. Ian Fleming visits the set of Orson Welles’ version of “Moonraker”.
Welles: ….and this, Ian, is the set for Blades.
Fleming: Very impressive, Orson, I like this very much.
Welles: And here is where Bond and Drax play cards.
Fleming: I see. Yes, that’s good. Here is where we see them play bridge.
Welles: Ah, no, we thought the general public might not be too familiar with bridge so we’ve changed it.
Fleming: Changed it? To what?
Welles: Texas Hold’em.
Fleming: (Aghast.) What???
Welles: Texas Hold’em. It’s a version of poker where-
Fleming: I know what it is! If I had wanted James Bond to be playing poker then I’d have written it that way!
Welles: But-
Fleming: What next? I bet if you were making “Casino Royale” then Bond and Le Chiffre would be playing that instead of baccarat!
Welles: More people understand how poker works than bridge. Poker it shall be.
Fleming: Hmph. I suppose so. Now, what’s this over here?
Welles: Ah, that’s where Bond and Drax do their swordfight.
Fleming: Swordfight???
Welles: You know: Blades, swords. Yes? It will look amazing. They fight until they get stopped by the leading lady.
Fleming: Ah, Gala Brand.
Welles: No, we've now changed that to Miranda Frost.
(There is a pause while Fleming takes several deep breaths.)
Fleming: Look, Orson, I think I’ll come back tomorrow.
Welles: Ah, not here though. Tomorrow we’re in Venice.
Fleming: (Deadpan.) Venice.
Welles: Yes, I’ve found the right pigeon now all I need is a gondola.
Fleming: I think I’ll go lie down a while…..
4th October 2022. The Broccoli limousine heads away from the Royal Albert Hall, MGW and BB in the back.
(87) Encore Bond Theme - part 20 - The Sound of 007 in concert 4 Oct 2022 Royal Albert Hall - YouTube
BB: Oh, that was wonderful.
MGW: It certainly was. Didn’t Dame Shirley sound fantastic?
(87) Dame Shirley Bassey - Diamonds Are Forever / Goldfinger - The Sound of 007 in concert 4 Oct 2022 RAH - YouTube
BB: Breathtaking!
MGW: The orchestra was superb.
(87) OHMSS plus more (see Description) part 2 - The Sound of 007 in concert 4 Oct 2022 Royal Albert Hall - YouTube
BB: Indeed they were. And it was nice to see Don Black giving such a heartfelt tribute to John Barry.
MGW: I was surprised to hear that David Arnold is such a good singer.
(87) You know my Name - David Arnold - part 10 - The Sound of 007 in concert 4 Oct 2022 Royal Albert Hall - YouTube
BB: Yes, he definitely is.
MGW: And he was responsible for putting that whole show together.
BB: Oh yes.
MGW: Barbara…
BB: Yes, Michael?
MGW: I was just thinking….
BB: Yes, Michael?
MGW: David Arnold writes such good music.
(87) A Night in the Opera - Quantum - part 11 - The Sound of 007 in concert 4 Oct 2022 Royal Albert Hall - YouTube
BB: That’s true.
MGW: It might be time to-
Bride Of Barbel: Barbel! Barbel! Wake up!
Barbel: (Waking up.) Hmm…. (Sings.) You Know My Name…
The Bride: Of course I know your name. You’ve been having that dream again.
Barbel: The one where Barbara and Michael see sense?
The Bride: Yes, that one.
Barbel: Aw, crap. We’ll probably get Hans Zimmer again….
😆😆😆
Thanks, Barbel. I've saved the playlist. Give it a listen this weekend,
Texas Hold’em in 1956?
Oh! it’s the imaginary conversation thread, and book Felix is from Texas, so completely plausible, apologies Barbel 😁😂🤣
It's my clumsy way of asking what Fleming would have thought about CR06 dropping baccarat in favour of poker via fictional Welles dropping bridge for it.
There's plenty more on YouTube to enjoy. I haven't checked if it's the complete concert.
Not clumsy at all, Barbel, I knew what you were doing, it’s my clumsy way of trying to add a bit of my sense of humour into the thread.
Yup, gotcha. 👍
I think I'll do another from the non-existent Welles movie then drop it. Unless of course...
1956. Pinewood Studios, set of Orson Welles’ sadly mythical version of “Moonraker”. Welles is directing Dirk Bogarde, who is sitting in a gondola against a painted background of Venice.
Welles: Lean in a little more, Dirk.
(Bogarde leans forward as two burly stagehands shake the gondola, to simulate movement on water.)
Bogarde: Are you sure this will look okay, Orson?
Welles: It’ll look just fine, don’t worry. I’ll be intercutting this with the real gondola we shot in the real Venice.
Bogarde: Yes, well… if you say so.
1st Stagehand: Is it all right if we take a break now, Mr Welles?
Welles: Yes, of course. Take five minutes, everyone.
(The Stagehands gratefully put the gondola down. Bogarde walks over to Welles.)
Bogarde: I need some inspiration for this scene. I need to know what my character- what was his name again? James Pond or something like that.
Welles: Bond. James Bond.
Bogarde: Yes, thank you. I need to know what he’s feeling in this gondola.
Welles: Feeling? He’s feeling grateful he isn’t in one of those “Doctor In The House” movies which he could quickly find himself in again if he isn’t careful.
Bogarde: Point taken. Shall we start back to work again, then?
Welles: I think so. (Louder.) Places everyone, back to work.
(The 2nd Stagehand approaches Welles. He is tall and strong-looking, with thinning black hair.)
2nd Stagehand: Er, excushe me?
Welles: Yes, what is it?
2nd Stagehand: Mishter Wellesh, ish it okay if we have jusht another five minutesh? I mean, rocking thish gondola ishn’t eashy, you know.
Welles: Fair enough, another five minutes.
2nd Stagehand: Ah, thank you Mr Wellesh.
Welles: Now, where did I put that pigeon….?
2nd Stagehand: Pigeon? You’re the villain, you should be shtroking a white cat.
Welles: White cat…? Good idea, young man, I can see you going far in this industry.
Elton John and Prince Harry sue Daily Mail publisher over 'privacy breach' - BBC News
6th October 2022. Miss Moneypenny’s office. The door opens, and a hand throws a hat accurately on to the stand in the corner.
Moneypenny: James!
(James Bond enters.)
Bond: I believe you were looking for me?
Moneypenny: Yes, I was.
Bond: Moneypenny, you know you only have to ask.
Moneypenny: We’ll get round to that later. M is wanting to see you.
Bond: Ah, well, perhaps I might catch you later?
Moneypenny: (Pressing a button on her intercom.) Perhaps.
(The light above M’s door comes on.)
Moneypenny: But you’d better go in.
Bond: You can say that to me later.
(He goes in to M’s office.)
M: Sit down, 007.
Bond: Thank you, sir.
M: I have a most discreet mission for you. Do you read the “Daily Mail”?
(M points to some papers on his desk.)
Bond: I try to avoid it.
M: They have been carrying out allegedly illegal surveillance on certain prominent members of society- Prince Harry, Sir Elton John, for example.
Bond: I see.
M: I think it is important that this stops immediately. I would like you to eliminate the owner and editor of this… newspaper.
Bond: Sir, that seems a little drastic.
M: Nevertheless, that is what I would like you to do.
Bond: May I just have a look?
(He reaches for the papers.)
M: No, don’t do that!
(But he is too late. Bond is already flicking through the papers.)
Bond: Hmm, there seem to be several people involved in this…
M: Stop that!
Bond: ….including one Gareth Mallory, a senior official at the Ministry of Defence.
M: Please, stop!
Bond: They name the hotel you were staying at, the two other people involved, the youth organization to which they belong… and the shop where you bought the equipment.
M: (Quietly.) Oh God…
Bond: I think we’re better leaving this to the legal people to handle- don’t you, sir?
M: (Muttering.) I suppose so.
Bond: Well, I shall be off then. Don’t worry sir, I won’t say anything.
(One line pinched from Monty Python's classic "Blackmail" sketch- see below)
(92) Monty Python: Blackmail - YouTube
Hear, hear. David Arnold is clearly still invested in Bond. The best solution to restoring the sound of Bond in the films is there in plain sight - or in plain hearing!
4th October 2022. The Royal Albert Hall, after the concert.
David Arnold: Thanks everybody, that was unbelievable.
Lulu: Shall we do it all again for the 70th Anniversary?
David Arnold: (Laughing.) I’ll have to see what Barbara and Michael have to say about that.
Hans Zimmer: I enjoyed playing guitar with you, David.
David: Yes, we must have a few fast jams together sometime.
(A door opens and Dame Shirley Bassey makes a grand entrance.)
Dame Shirley: Hello, darlings.
Emma Lindars: OMG it’s her!!! (Swoons.)
Hans: Dame Shirley! (Kneels.)
Garbage: (In unison.) We are not worthy!
Don Black: Oh, hi Shirley.
David: Right, has anyone checked the hall?
Nic Dodds: I’ll go see…. Yes, they’re all gone.
David: Every last one?
Nic: Yes, everyone has gone.
David: All right then. Here’s the keys.
(He produces a set of keys and hands them to Nic, who looks dubiously at them.)
Nic: Are you sure, David?
David: Yes, if everyone has gone home it should be perfectly safe.
Nic: Okay, then.
(He goes to an unobtrusive door and unlocks it. A man and a woman come tumbling out.)
Woman: Well, that wasn’t very funny!
Man: Yeah, what’s the idea?
David: Sorry, Jack and Alicia. Anyway, the stage is all yours now.
(Jack and Alicia look around them warily, seeing the collection of stars.)
Jack: You mean we can go on now?
David: Yes, on you go.
Alicia: And we’re not following Dame Shirley there?
David: No, you’re not following Dame Shirley. That really would be another way to die.
Jack: Right then! Let me grab a guitar… ready, Alicia?
Alicia: Let’s go!
(They run out towards the stage. David Arnold motions at the others, and they all tiptoe off in the opposite direction.)
😄😄😄
The Royal Albert Hall. Standing ovation after Dame Shirley has performed 'Diamonds Are Forever'.
Numerous cries for an encore: "Goldfinger! Goldfinger! Goldfinger"
Lone voice in the audience (Dolly; for it is she): "Moonraker! Moonraker! Moonraker!"
Dame Shirley (on stage, trying to spot the outlier): "Where are you? Why do you hide?"
Dolly (waving at Dame Shirley, with a beaming grin): "Moonraker! Moonraker! Moonraker!"
Dame Shirley (spotting Dolly): "I don't sing thaaat... for what good did that song do me? Moonlight trails are just phooey! When moonlight's gone, diamonds lustrrrre! Diamonds are forever... forever... forever..."
Dolly (pouting petulantly, hopes fading): "The moonraker? The moonraker? The moonraker?"
Dame Shirley: "Pretty girl, beware of his dream of gold! I sing gold! I sing only gold! Only gold! Only golllllld!!"
David Arnold (from the wings, also pouting petulantly): "No Good About Goodbye? No Good About Goodbye? No good? No??"
Embarrassed, MGW and Barbara Broccoli shift uncomfortably in their seats.
Dame Shirley smiles wistfully, takes a final bow and exits.
Jack White and Alicia Keys strut forward and cover the disco version of 'Moonraker' as a weird rock number.
Audience rushes for exits. Except for one couple...
Jaws joins Dolly with a bottle of champagne: "Well, here's to us!"
Jack White and Alicia Keys spontaneously combust.
😁😁😁 (those are pics of Dolly)