;% My blushes, guys. I have to mention though that I was thinking of doing another Publisher's Meeting, when Bride Of Barbel suggested writing one about Blofeld's cat. I obviously followed her idea so thanks to the Bride.
I'll keep working on a Publisher's Meeting and will post it soon.
Publisher: Ah come in, Mr, er….
Fleming: Fleming. Ian Fleming.
Publisher: Ah yes, thanks for coming in. I‘d like to talk to you about this book of yours- the one about the casino. Now, what was it…?
Fleming: Royale. Casino Royale.
Publisher: That’s it! Yes, the one about this secret agent… er…
Fleming: Bond. James Bond.
Publisher: It’s a kind of dull name- how about James Secretan?
Fleming: Well, I did think of that but no.
Publisher: Peregrine Carruthers?
Fleming: James Bond it is.
Publisher: But what made you pick that name?
Fleming: Let's just say a little bird told me...
Publisher: Well, if you insist but I don’t think that’ll catch on. By the way, how about a drink?
Fleming: I thought you’d never ask.
Publisher: Gin? Whisky?
Fleming: Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it's ice-cold, then add a large thin slice of lemon peel.
Publisher: Gosh, that's certainly a drink.
Fleming: When I'm -er- concentrating, I never have more than one drink before dinner. But I do like that one to be large and very strong and very cold and very well-made.
Publisher: I’ll see what I can do. Now, I liked your book very much and we’re going to be publishing it as soon as we can.
Fleming: I’m very glad to hear that.
Publisher: And if it does well, we’re hoping you can write a few more.
Fleming: Well, that was what I was hoping to do.
Publisher: I liked your characters- Felix Leiter, Mathis, and Bond’s boss M. You’ve got to bring them back in sequels.
Fleming: No problem, I’ll do that.
Publisher: And Vesper Lynd- do you think you could perhaps rewrite the ending so she doesn’t die?
Fleming: What? That sort of misses the point! And it would mean I couldn’t have the last line!
Publisher: Have it your way. It means you’ll have to create a new female character every time, though. You may have a problem coming up with names.
Fleming: You just leave that to me. I have names galore.
Publisher: One more thing- the scene in which the villain ties Bond to a chair and batters his bottom with a carpet beater- I thought that was a little, er…
Fleming: It’s not his bottom that’s being battered.
Publisher: Oh, you don’t mean… he batters his…
Fleming: That’s exactly what I mean. I thought I’d made it quite clear.
Publisher: Oh, but… but…
Fleming: I actually toned it down a bit from what I know was done to spies during the war. What they really did was take a mandolin string and-
Publisher: Please, stop! Ok, we’ll let that go as is.
Fleming: Thank you.
Publisher: It’s possible we may have some interest in turning this into a film, would you be interested?
Fleming: Very much so.
Publisher: You wouldn’t have casting approval but it might help if you had a few ideas for casting?
Fleming: Well, how about David Niven as Bond?
Publisher: Sounds about right. And for the villain?
Fleming: Perhaps Orson Welles?
Publisher: Both great actors! I can’t see how a film with those two could go wrong.
Barbel - Snowy and Tiddles ) ) ) just purr-fect :v
I only hope it was Snowy who was chosen as the pussy to pose with the girl in the DAF title sequence... a soft job in compensation for 'getting the boot'!
I love the dialogue at the publishers, too!
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
These imaginary conversations got me thinking of the conversations some of the female characters with .... exotic names more than likely ended up having. Think of the situations you could end up in at the airport, at school, ordering pizza etc. if your name was Pussy Galore, Holy Goodhead, Plenty o'Toole, Chew Mee, Octopusy or Molly Warmflash?
Not to mention when your parents decided on your name or when they registered your name with the authorities, or the reaction of your priest at your baptism )
(The telephone rings.)
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Voice: Is a Ms O'Toole there?
Moe: Who?
Voice: O'Toole. First name Plenty.
Moe: I dunno, I'll see. Hey guys, I'm looking for O'Toole! Plenty O'Toole! (Homer, Barney and company begin to laugh.)
Moe: I want Plenty O'Toole! (The laughter gets louder as Moe realizes.)
Moe: Listen you lousy bum, when I get holda you I'm gonna slice your heart out! (In a home not far away, two children laugh uproariously as they put the phone down.)
Hannes Oberhauser: Franz? Franz? (Young Franz stops pulling the wings off flies and approaches his father.)
Franz: Ja, Vater?
Hannes: I would like you meet someone. Come in, James! (Young James enters.)
James: Hello.
Hannes: Franz, this is James and he’ll be living with us from this time on. James has lost both his parents, you see.
Franz: How would Oscar Wilde have put that, hmm?
Hannes: I don’t know. Now, while I make us some food why don’t you two go for a walk and get to know each other? (Franz and James walk in the snow.)
Franz: What was your name again?
James: Bond. James Bond.
Franz: And you are English?
James: My father was a Scot and my mother came from Switzerland.
Franz: So. Be careful along this high road, James, the footing can be treacherous. Especially in the ice.
James: I’ll be careful.
Franz: There is a sheer drop just there- why don’t you take a look?
James: No, thanks, I’m fine right here.
Franz: Now, this is a toboggan run, you might find it interesting.
James: Yes, I see. No, Franz, this is close enough.
Franz: You enjoy the skiing or the bobsleigh perhaps?
James: If you´ll forgive me, that´s what l´m here to find out.
Franz: You perverse British, how you love your exercise. Perhaps we could go mountain climbing together?
James: I’d prefer not, that’s how my parents died.
Franz: So. Be very quiet at this place here, James, we wouldn’t want to start an avalanche.
James: I’ll be quiet.
Franz: Because that would be terrible. And wrong.
James: Perhaps we should head back now.
Franz: Of course. Would you like to run along this path?
James: I think not, until I’ve learned a bit more.
Franz: I thought you came here to learn.
James: Well, it’s all a matter of perspective.
Doorman: Comrade Henderson, preev-yet!
Henderson: Good evening Boris, I'm well, thanks. And how are things at the Embassy?
Doorman: Good, senk you, Comrade.
Henderson: Good, good. Umm, I don't suppose you....
Doorman: Da! The Vodka. Fourteen bottles! It is not as good as Stolichnaya, buliatch! these people do not know their potato from their grain, but it is ok.
Henderson: Excellent, excellent. And umm....
Doorman: Da?
Henderson (embarrassed): The umm, magazines...?
Doorman: Oh, Da! "Chechen Chicks vis ze Vladivos-diks!"
Henderson (even more embarrassed): Shhh!
Doorman: Sorry, Comrade. Umm, zis is a lot of vodka and a lot of porn. You sure you got enough room for storage in zere? (He reaches forward and taps Henderson's left leg with the barrel of his Kalashnikov).
Henderson: Oww! Wrong leg, you fool. Right idea, but...
Doorman: "... Wrong pussy", I senk is ze title of ze other magazines, da?
Henderson: Shh! They will have to wait. I'm leaving tonight for Las Vegas, to see a man about a mud bath.
Doorman: Dasveedanya! So long! And don't forget, ze vodka must be stirred, not shaken, da?
Official: Please, come in.
Master: Thank you.
Official: Be seated, please. Now, what is it that I can do for you?
Master: You will be aware that I run a martial arts school not far from here?
Official: Of course.
Master: Sadly, our sponsor Hai Fat has passed away.
Official: This is most sad. His passing was noted by many.
Master: I must therefore seek alternative sources of funding for our school.
Official: It was my understanding that a foreigner, a Mr F. Scaramanga, was the new chairman of the board. Have you approached this man?
Master: Alas, Mr Scaramanga has passed away also.
Official: Most sad.
Master: It is therefore necessary for me to approach the Ministry to solicit funding.
Official: Our resources are limited. We can only provide funding to the foremost, the most elite of training establishments.
Master: It is my belief that my school falls into that category.
Official: I must inform you that I have received information to the contrary.
Master: Oh? How so?
Official: It would seem that your school has a champion, who has passed all your tests, by the name of Chula.
Master: This is so.
Official: And yet, this Chula was defeated by an untrained foreigner. Apparently this was an English secret agent, from England.
Master: Yes, but-
Official: And this was your champion. It does not speak well for your school.
Master: It is true, but-
Official: Furthermore, I have also been informed that your entire school, every single student, was defeated in combat by two young girls.
Master: But you see-
Official: Schoolgirls. Schoolgirls who should, perhaps, have been taking ballet lessons.
Master: Yes, but-
Official: I therefore have no alternative but to decline your application. Please leave, and forever hold your peace.
Fleming: Good morning!
Publisher: Good morning, Ian! Would you-
Fleming: Yes. Yes I would. One of my “Vesper” Martinis, please.
Publisher: Of course. You’ve been on holiday, I understand. Relaxing, I hope?
Fleming: Oh hardly relaxing, but most satisfying. So, you’ve read my latest manuscript then?
Publisher: That I have, and that’s what I’d like to discuss. The opening section was brilliant- the scorpion, the dentist. Very atmospheric.
Fleming: I did a lot of research, you know. I might even be able to squeeze in a non-fiction book as well from all the research I did.
Publisher: That would be a nice little bonus. Now, your characters are interesting- Shady Tree, for example, what taste, what style. Wint & Kidd- I just adored their act. The Spank brothers-
Fleming: That’s “Spang”.
Publisher: Not “Spank”?
Fleming: No, “Spang”.
Publisher: Oh, I just thought, knowing you, that…. never mind. Anyway, I liked your heroine Tiffany Case very much. That was a memorable introduction when Bond goes to her apartment under the name Peter Franks and she’s in her bare essentials.
Fleming: I liked that part.
Publisher: Las Vegas was a good place to send Bond to. The casinos, of course, and I liked the car chase- pity it wasn’t a bit longer.
Fleming: Well, I wanted to get Bond to Spectreville.
Publisher: Spectreville, great name! And I loved the train chase. Nice to see Felix Leiter back again, too.
Fleming: Thank you.
Publisher: And that ending, with Wint & Kidd versus Bond & Tiffany on the ocean liner! Another winner, Ian.
Fleming: The whole idea of diamond smuggling appealed to me. I might write one about gold smuggling soon.
Publisher: Surely there's no need to keep involving Bond on relatively simple smuggling matters?
Fleming: An excellent question. And one which will be hanging on the lips of the world quite soon….
Official: Over here, please. Your name?
Blofeld: Dr Guntram Shatterhand.
Offical: Passport? (He examines the photograph.) This appears to be in order. And the lady?
Blofeld: My wife, Frau Emmy Shatterhand.
Official: Passport, please?
Bunt: Of course. (She passes over the passport.)
Official: Please, lower your veil so I can compare it to… Oh, please put it back. Please!
Blofeld: Our luggage is over there, save for this small hand valise. (The valise wriggles slightly.)
Official: Purpose of visit?
Blofeld: I am a horticulturalist and botanist specialising in sub-tropical species. I am prepared to spend no less that £1m on establishing an exotic garden or park which I will stock with a priceless collection of rare plants and shrubs from all over the world, at my own expense. I have permission from the Ministry of Agriculture- see, here.
Official: (Impressed.) A wonderful offer. (The valise wriggles again. Bunt gives it a kick.)
Blofeld: As you can see, I have a ten-year residence permit.
Official: A very rare privilege.
Blofeld: Will that be all?
Official: Of course, Dr Shatterhand. (Blofeld and Bunt walk off into Japan. From the valise can be heard a very faint “Meow”.)
Charles Gray (as Blofeld): As La Rochefoucauld observed, humility is the worst form of conceit. I *do* hold the winning hand.
Cubby: Hold it! Guy, Tom, I thought I said no Roquefort cheese! I want it out!
Tom Mankiewicz: But Cubby, Blofeld's a sophisticated guy... The audience will get that he'd make a scholarly citation...
Cubby: Sophisticated? Look, kid, this is the same character who, last movie, cut off his earlobes to pretend to be a Count!
Guy Hamilton: I think the line kind of works, Cubby... How about if we do one take with it in, and one with it out. We can always decide later...
Cubby: No Roquefort cheese, I say!
Sean Connery: I prefer Gorgonzhola myshelf...
Charles Gray: Cubby, my dear, fellow, I'll read the line any way you please - with or without La Rochefoucauld. No matter. It's just a jump to the left...
Tom Mankiewicz (and with his hands on his hips): Cubby, you know what? Say yes to the Roquefort cheese and... I'll buy you a delicatessen, in stainless steel...
Cubby: Hey kid, now *that's* what I call a good line! I'll have to remember that one...
(Enter Joseph Furst as Professor Dr Metz, chewing the scenery.)
All: Here comes the ham to have with our cheese!
Guy Hamilton: Lunch, everybody!
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
Official: Over here, please. Your name?
Blofeld: Dr Guntram Shatterhand.
Offical: Passport? (He examines the photograph.) This appears to be in order. And the lady?
Blofeld: My wife, Frau Emmy Shatterhand.
Official: Passport, please?
Bunt: Of course. (She passes over the passport.)
Official: Please, lower your veil so I can compare it to… Oh, please put it back. Please!
Blofeld: Our luggage is over there, save for this small hand valise. (The valise wriggles slightly.)
Official: Purpose of visit?
Blofeld: I am a horticulturalist and botanist specialising in sub-tropical species. I am prepared to spend no less that £1m on establishing an exotic garden or park which I will stock with a priceless collection of rare plants and shrubs from all over the world, at my own expense. I have permission from the Ministry of Agriculture- see, here.
Official: (Impressed.) A wonderful offer. (The valise wriggles again. Bunt gives it a kick.)
Blofeld: As you can see, I have a ten-year residence permit.
Official: A very rare privilege.
Blofeld: Will that be all?
Official: Of course, Dr Shatterhand. (Blofeld and Bunt walk off into Japan. From the valise can be heard a very faint “Meow”.)
(Before anyone comments- yes, I know.)
I love the valise wriggling ) It's a good thing it's not Klebb who kicks it!
EON Productions, casting offices.
1962
Agent: Ok great, that takes care of M, Boothroyd, Moneypenny... lets see, who's next? Ahh yes, Leiter. Let's see: "Texan, tall, thin, mop of blonde hair..." ... Hey Danno! Who we got left on the books? Jack who? Ok, book him Danno!
1964
Agent: Ok great, that takes care of M, Q, Moneypenny... lets see, who's next? Ahh yes, Leiter. Hey Danno, is Jack Lord still available? No? Who we got... Cec who? What has he... oh really? Ok let's get him out of that pit and onto the set then.
1965
Agent: Ok great, that takes care of M, Q, Moneypenny... lets see, who's next? Ahh yes, Leiter. Ok we got hell from the fans last time, let's see if we can't get someone a bit closer, eh...
1971
Agent: Me? Yes, I'm new here, but I'm not sure if I'm in the right place... I'm a specialist in bronze casting, you want me to do what?
1973
Agent: Me? Yes I'm back, the last guy got fired... lets see, who's next? Ahh yes, Leiter. Hey Danno, have we got a Texan kind of guy who we don't have to go to the bottom of the sea to find? ....
1987
Agent: Hey Danno, it's Leiter time again! Say, can we get that last guy, he was terrific.... no? Ok book him for two years' time...
1989
Agent: Welcome back David! Yes this time we've got a meatier role for you... your fees? Well I don't want to lose an arm and a leg on this...
2006
Agent: Me, yes I'm new here... Felix who? Blonde haired Texan? No, no, no. I've got a much better idea... You should have a little faith, brother. If you keep your head about you, I think you might just have the perfect Leiter...
Ian Fleming: Aggie, dear, how nice to see you.
Agatha Christie: Ian, dahling, you’re looking as handsome as ever.
Ian: Try one of these cocktails I’ve invented, it’s three measures of Gordon’s...
Agatha: I don’t drink alcohol as you know, I hear you’re writing a novel?
Ian: Yes, it’s to take my mind off getting married, such a dreadful palaver.
Agatha: So true, I even disappeared once during my marriage to Archie.
Ian: I’m having trouble with some names for my characters, I want something really dull and boring for my lead character.
Agatha: In my book The Rajah’s Emerald, I had a shy, awkward character called James Bond...
Ian: Sounds perfect, how about the head of MI6?
Agatha: In my Tommy and Tuppence book about fifth columnists, the traitors are known by the cryptic letters N or M, that would be fun to use a letter, leaving his name a mystery.
Ian: Yes, I remember your book, N or M?, what a fine idea.
Agatha: How’s Jamaica, dahling? I’m thinking of writing a Caribbean mystery.
Ian: Oh, just wonderful, dear, you should see those tropical birds.
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
Agent: Jack, my boy, good to see ya! (Waves cigar.)
Lord: It’s good to be here, I hope you have something nice for me.
Agent: I think you’ll like it. Take a seat while I explain.
Lord: Explain?
Agent: Yeah, you remember that film you did a couple of years ago in Jamaica?
Lord: Sure, I played a CIA agent called Felix Leiter.
Agent: Well, they’ve called and they’d like you to do it again. It’ll be called “Goldfinger”.
Lord: In Jamaica again? That’d be great!
Agent: No, not Jamaica- here in the good ol’ US of A. Miami, Kentucky and- get this- Fort Knox!
Lord: With that Connery guy again? James Bond?
Agent: Yup.
Lord: Well, I could be persuaded. Tell them, first of all, I want equal pay with Connery.
Agent: Equal pay? I’m not sure they’d go for that.
Lord: And equal billing.
Agent: Huh?
Lord: Like this:
Albert R. Broccoli & Harry Saltzman present
SEAN CONNERY as JAMES BOND
JACK LORD as FELIX LEITER
in Ian Fleming’s
GOLDFINGER
Agent: I don’t think they’d be too happy with that. The series is about James Bond, Felix only turns up sometimes.
Lord: Tell them that’s what I want, or they can get someone else.
Agent: Okay… I’ll phone ‘em. (Dials Eon’s number.)
Agent: Hello? Is that Mr Saltzman or Mr Broccoli? … Hi, it’s Jack Lord’s agent, you called me yesterday? …. Well, Jack’s here and he’d be happy to play Felix Leiter again but he has one or two little requests-
Lord: Conditions.
Agent: -conditions for you. He’d like equal pay with Sean Connery and… please stop laughing Mr Broccoli… and he’d also like equal billing… Yes, Mr Saltzman. I see. I’ll tell him.
Lord: What did they say?
Agent: Mr Saltzman says you can take a flying five-oh to yourself.
Let’s say… 2014. (Four distinguished gentlemen dressed in white tuxedos are sitting together admiring a view.)
Sean: Ahh.. very passable, this, very passable.
Roger: Nothing like a good glass of Bollinger.
Timothy: You're right there.
Pierce: Who'd have thought fifty years ago we'd all be sitting here drinking Bollinger?
Sean: In those days, we'd have been glad to have the price of a cup of tea.
Roger: A cup of cold tea.
Timothy: Without milk or sugar.
Pierce: Or tea!
Sean: In a filthy, cracked cup.
Roger: We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up script.
Timothy: The best we could manage was to suck on one of Q’s old ties.
Pierce: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
Roger: Because we were poor! Old Cubby often used to say to me, 'Money doesn't buy you happiness.'
Sean: And he was right. I was happier then and we had nothing. We used to film in this tiny old set, with great big holes in the roof.
Roger: Set? You were lucky to have a set! We used to film in one room, all hundred and twenty-six of us, no props. John Barry playing a slide whistle. Half the floor was missing; we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling!
Pierce: You were lucky to have a room- we used to have to film in a corridor.
Timothy: Oh, we used to dream of filming in a corridor! That would have been a palace to us. We used to film in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken up every morning by John Glen peeing all over us.
Pierce: Er, that was just on you, Timothy.
Timothy: Set!? Hmph.
Sean: Well, when I say 'set' it was only four sheets of newspaper that Ken Adam had coloured in with a felt-tip pen but it was a set to us.
Roger: We were evicted from our sheets of newspaper. We had to film in a puddle.
Timothy: You were lucky to have a puddle! There were a hundred and sixty of us filming in a small shoebox in the middle of the road.
Pierce: Cardboard box, was it?
Timothy: That’s right.
Pierce: You were lucky. We filmed for three months inside a brown paper bag inside a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the morning, clean the brown paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, then go to film for fourteen hours a day week in week out. And when we got back, Martin Campbell would thrash us to sleep with his belt!
Roger: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the puddle at three o'clock in the morning, clean the puddle, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to film every day for tuppence a month, come back, and Lewis Gilbert would beat us around the head and neck with a model Walther PPK, if we were lucky!
Timothy: Well we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and lick the road clean with our tongues. We had half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day filming for fourpence every six years, and when we got back, John Glen would slice us in two with a bread knife.
Sean: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, film twenty-nine hours a day, and pay Cubby for permission to come to work, and when we got back, Terence Young would kill us and dance about on our graves singing 'Hallelujah.'
Roger: But you try and tell young Daniel that today... and he won't believe you!
All: No, no. That’s right….
...and I'm old enough to remember "At Last The 1948 Show" where it originated, and (loved this one as a kid) "Do Not Adjust Your Set".
Has anyone noticed that the "continuing sentences" thing that we sometimes do in the Quote game is pretty similar to one of the games on "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" which of course starred Tim Brooke-Taylor as mentioned above?
Comments
I'll keep working on a Publisher's Meeting and will post it soon.
Publisher: Ah come in, Mr, er….
Fleming: Fleming. Ian Fleming.
Publisher: Ah yes, thanks for coming in. I‘d like to talk to you about this book of yours- the one about the casino. Now, what was it…?
Fleming: Royale. Casino Royale.
Publisher: That’s it! Yes, the one about this secret agent… er…
Fleming: Bond. James Bond.
Publisher: It’s a kind of dull name- how about James Secretan?
Fleming: Well, I did think of that but no.
Publisher: Peregrine Carruthers?
Fleming: James Bond it is.
Publisher: But what made you pick that name?
Fleming: Let's just say a little bird told me...
Publisher: Well, if you insist but I don’t think that’ll catch on. By the way, how about a drink?
Fleming: I thought you’d never ask.
Publisher: Gin? Whisky?
Fleming: Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it's ice-cold, then add a large thin slice of lemon peel.
Publisher: Gosh, that's certainly a drink.
Fleming: When I'm -er- concentrating, I never have more than one drink before dinner. But I do like that one to be large and very strong and very cold and very well-made.
Publisher: I’ll see what I can do. Now, I liked your book very much and we’re going to be publishing it as soon as we can.
Fleming: I’m very glad to hear that.
Publisher: And if it does well, we’re hoping you can write a few more.
Fleming: Well, that was what I was hoping to do.
Publisher: I liked your characters- Felix Leiter, Mathis, and Bond’s boss M. You’ve got to bring them back in sequels.
Fleming: No problem, I’ll do that.
Publisher: And Vesper Lynd- do you think you could perhaps rewrite the ending so she doesn’t die?
Fleming: What? That sort of misses the point! And it would mean I couldn’t have the last line!
Publisher: Have it your way. It means you’ll have to create a new female character every time, though. You may have a problem coming up with names.
Fleming: You just leave that to me. I have names galore.
Publisher: One more thing- the scene in which the villain ties Bond to a chair and batters his bottom with a carpet beater- I thought that was a little, er…
Fleming: It’s not his bottom that’s being battered.
Publisher: Oh, you don’t mean… he batters his…
Fleming: That’s exactly what I mean. I thought I’d made it quite clear.
Publisher: Oh, but… but…
Fleming: I actually toned it down a bit from what I know was done to spies during the war. What they really did was take a mandolin string and-
Publisher: Please, stop! Ok, we’ll let that go as is.
Fleming: Thank you.
Publisher: It’s possible we may have some interest in turning this into a film, would you be interested?
Fleming: Very much so.
Publisher: You wouldn’t have casting approval but it might help if you had a few ideas for casting?
Fleming: Well, how about David Niven as Bond?
Publisher: Sounds about right. And for the villain?
Fleming: Perhaps Orson Welles?
Publisher: Both great actors! I can’t see how a film with those two could go wrong.
I only hope it was Snowy who was chosen as the pussy to pose with the girl in the DAF title sequence... a soft job in compensation for 'getting the boot'!
I love the dialogue at the publishers, too!
Not to mention when your parents decided on your name or when they registered your name with the authorities, or the reaction of your priest at your baptism
(The telephone rings.)
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Voice: Is a Ms O'Toole there?
Moe: Who?
Voice: O'Toole. First name Plenty.
Moe: I dunno, I'll see. Hey guys, I'm looking for O'Toole! Plenty O'Toole!
(Homer, Barney and company begin to laugh.)
Moe: I want Plenty O'Toole!
(The laughter gets louder as Moe realizes.)
Moe: Listen you lousy bum, when I get holda you I'm gonna slice your heart out!
(In a home not far away, two children laugh uproariously as they put the phone down.)
Hannes Oberhauser: Franz? Franz?
(Young Franz stops pulling the wings off flies and approaches his father.)
Franz: Ja, Vater?
Hannes: I would like you meet someone. Come in, James!
(Young James enters.)
James: Hello.
Hannes: Franz, this is James and he’ll be living with us from this time on. James has lost both his parents, you see.
Franz: How would Oscar Wilde have put that, hmm?
Hannes: I don’t know. Now, while I make us some food why don’t you two go for a walk and get to know each other?
(Franz and James walk in the snow.)
Franz: What was your name again?
James: Bond. James Bond.
Franz: And you are English?
James: My father was a Scot and my mother came from Switzerland.
Franz: So. Be careful along this high road, James, the footing can be treacherous. Especially in the ice.
James: I’ll be careful.
Franz: There is a sheer drop just there- why don’t you take a look?
James: No, thanks, I’m fine right here.
Franz: Now, this is a toboggan run, you might find it interesting.
James: Yes, I see. No, Franz, this is close enough.
Franz: You enjoy the skiing or the bobsleigh perhaps?
James: If you´ll forgive me, that´s what l´m here to find out.
Franz: You perverse British, how you love your exercise. Perhaps we could go mountain climbing together?
James: I’d prefer not, that’s how my parents died.
Franz: So. Be very quiet at this place here, James, we wouldn’t want to start an avalanche.
James: I’ll be quiet.
Franz: Because that would be terrible. And wrong.
James: Perhaps we should head back now.
Franz: Of course. Would you like to run along this path?
James: I think not, until I’ve learned a bit more.
Franz: I thought you came here to learn.
James: Well, it’s all a matter of perspective.
Tokyo, 1967.
Doorman: Comrade Henderson, preev-yet!
Henderson: Good evening Boris, I'm well, thanks. And how are things at the Embassy?
Doorman: Good, senk you, Comrade.
Henderson: Good, good. Umm, I don't suppose you....
Doorman: Da! The Vodka. Fourteen bottles! It is not as good as Stolichnaya, buliatch! these people do not know their potato from their grain, but it is ok.
Henderson: Excellent, excellent. And umm....
Doorman: Da?
Henderson (embarrassed): The umm, magazines...?
Doorman: Oh, Da! "Chechen Chicks vis ze Vladivos-diks!"
Henderson (even more embarrassed): Shhh!
Doorman: Sorry, Comrade. Umm, zis is a lot of vodka and a lot of porn. You sure you got enough room for storage in zere? (He reaches forward and taps Henderson's left leg with the barrel of his Kalashnikov).
Henderson: Oww! Wrong leg, you fool. Right idea, but...
Doorman: "... Wrong pussy", I senk is ze title of ze other magazines, da?
Henderson: Shh! They will have to wait. I'm leaving tonight for Las Vegas, to see a man about a mud bath.
Doorman: Dasveedanya! So long! And don't forget, ze vodka must be stirred, not shaken, da?
Ah, so that was what the "certain other things" were!
Edit- just give me a few minutes, I've got an idea.
Official: Please, come in.
Master: Thank you.
Official: Be seated, please. Now, what is it that I can do for you?
Master: You will be aware that I run a martial arts school not far from here?
Official: Of course.
Master: Sadly, our sponsor Hai Fat has passed away.
Official: This is most sad. His passing was noted by many.
Master: I must therefore seek alternative sources of funding for our school.
Official: It was my understanding that a foreigner, a Mr F. Scaramanga, was the new chairman of the board. Have you approached this man?
Master: Alas, Mr Scaramanga has passed away also.
Official: Most sad.
Master: It is therefore necessary for me to approach the Ministry to solicit funding.
Official: Our resources are limited. We can only provide funding to the foremost, the most elite of training establishments.
Master: It is my belief that my school falls into that category.
Official: I must inform you that I have received information to the contrary.
Master: Oh? How so?
Official: It would seem that your school has a champion, who has passed all your tests, by the name of Chula.
Master: This is so.
Official: And yet, this Chula was defeated by an untrained foreigner. Apparently this was an English secret agent, from England.
Master: Yes, but-
Official: And this was your champion. It does not speak well for your school.
Master: It is true, but-
Official: Furthermore, I have also been informed that your entire school, every single student, was defeated in combat by two young girls.
Master: But you see-
Official: Schoolgirls. Schoolgirls who should, perhaps, have been taking ballet lessons.
Master: Yes, but-
Official: I therefore have no alternative but to decline your application. Please leave, and forever hold your peace.
Fleming: Good morning!
Publisher: Good morning, Ian! Would you-
Fleming: Yes. Yes I would. One of my “Vesper” Martinis, please.
Publisher: Of course. You’ve been on holiday, I understand. Relaxing, I hope?
Fleming: Oh hardly relaxing, but most satisfying. So, you’ve read my latest manuscript then?
Publisher: That I have, and that’s what I’d like to discuss. The opening section was brilliant- the scorpion, the dentist. Very atmospheric.
Fleming: I did a lot of research, you know. I might even be able to squeeze in a non-fiction book as well from all the research I did.
Publisher: That would be a nice little bonus. Now, your characters are interesting- Shady Tree, for example, what taste, what style. Wint & Kidd- I just adored their act. The Spank brothers-
Fleming: That’s “Spang”.
Publisher: Not “Spank”?
Fleming: No, “Spang”.
Publisher: Oh, I just thought, knowing you, that…. never mind. Anyway, I liked your heroine Tiffany Case very much. That was a memorable introduction when Bond goes to her apartment under the name Peter Franks and she’s in her bare essentials.
Fleming: I liked that part.
Publisher: Las Vegas was a good place to send Bond to. The casinos, of course, and I liked the car chase- pity it wasn’t a bit longer.
Fleming: Well, I wanted to get Bond to Spectreville.
Publisher: Spectreville, great name! And I loved the train chase. Nice to see Felix Leiter back again, too.
Fleming: Thank you.
Publisher: And that ending, with Wint & Kidd versus Bond & Tiffany on the ocean liner! Another winner, Ian.
Fleming: The whole idea of diamond smuggling appealed to me. I might write one about gold smuggling soon.
Publisher: Surely there's no need to keep involving Bond on relatively simple smuggling matters?
Fleming: An excellent question. And one which will be hanging on the lips of the world quite soon….
Official: Over here, please. Your name?
Blofeld: Dr Guntram Shatterhand.
Offical: Passport? (He examines the photograph.) This appears to be in order. And the lady?
Blofeld: My wife, Frau Emmy Shatterhand.
Official: Passport, please?
Bunt: Of course. (She passes over the passport.)
Official: Please, lower your veil so I can compare it to… Oh, please put it back. Please!
Blofeld: Our luggage is over there, save for this small hand valise.
(The valise wriggles slightly.)
Official: Purpose of visit?
Blofeld: I am a horticulturalist and botanist specialising in sub-tropical species. I am prepared to spend no less that £1m on establishing an exotic garden or park which I will stock with a priceless collection of rare plants and shrubs from all over the world, at my own expense. I have permission from the Ministry of Agriculture- see, here.
Official: (Impressed.) A wonderful offer.
(The valise wriggles again. Bunt gives it a kick.)
Blofeld: As you can see, I have a ten-year residence permit.
Official: A very rare privilege.
Blofeld: Will that be all?
Official: Of course, Dr Shatterhand.
(Blofeld and Bunt walk off into Japan. From the valise can be heard a very faint “Meow”.)
(Before anyone comments- yes, I know.)
Charles Gray (as Blofeld): As La Rochefoucauld observed, humility is the worst form of conceit. I *do* hold the winning hand.
Cubby: Hold it! Guy, Tom, I thought I said no Roquefort cheese! I want it out!
Tom Mankiewicz: But Cubby, Blofeld's a sophisticated guy... The audience will get that he'd make a scholarly citation...
Cubby: Sophisticated? Look, kid, this is the same character who, last movie, cut off his earlobes to pretend to be a Count!
Guy Hamilton: I think the line kind of works, Cubby... How about if we do one take with it in, and one with it out. We can always decide later...
Cubby: No Roquefort cheese, I say!
Sean Connery: I prefer Gorgonzhola myshelf...
Charles Gray: Cubby, my dear, fellow, I'll read the line any way you please - with or without La Rochefoucauld. No matter. It's just a jump to the left...
Tom Mankiewicz (and with his hands on his hips): Cubby, you know what? Say yes to the Roquefort cheese and... I'll buy you a delicatessen, in stainless steel...
Cubby: Hey kid, now *that's* what I call a good line! I'll have to remember that one...
(Enter Joseph Furst as Professor Dr Metz, chewing the scenery.)
All: Here comes the ham to have with our cheese!
Guy Hamilton: Lunch, everybody!
I love the valise wriggling
Shady-
1962
Agent: Ok great, that takes care of M, Boothroyd, Moneypenny... lets see, who's next? Ahh yes, Leiter. Let's see: "Texan, tall, thin, mop of blonde hair..." ... Hey Danno! Who we got left on the books? Jack who? Ok, book him Danno!
1964
Agent: Ok great, that takes care of M, Q, Moneypenny... lets see, who's next? Ahh yes, Leiter. Hey Danno, is Jack Lord still available? No? Who we got... Cec who? What has he... oh really? Ok let's get him out of that pit and onto the set then.
1965
Agent: Ok great, that takes care of M, Q, Moneypenny... lets see, who's next? Ahh yes, Leiter. Ok we got hell from the fans last time, let's see if we can't get someone a bit closer, eh...
1971
Agent: Me? Yes, I'm new here, but I'm not sure if I'm in the right place... I'm a specialist in bronze casting, you want me to do what?
1973
Agent: Me? Yes I'm back, the last guy got fired... lets see, who's next? Ahh yes, Leiter. Hey Danno, have we got a Texan kind of guy who we don't have to go to the bottom of the sea to find? ....
1987
Agent: Hey Danno, it's Leiter time again! Say, can we get that last guy, he was terrific.... no? Ok book him for two years' time...
1989
Agent: Welcome back David! Yes this time we've got a meatier role for you... your fees? Well I don't want to lose an arm and a leg on this...
2006
Agent: Me, yes I'm new here... Felix who? Blonde haired Texan? No, no, no. I've got a much better idea... You should have a little faith, brother. If you keep your head about you, I think you might just have the perfect Leiter...
Ian Fleming: Aggie, dear, how nice to see you.
Agatha Christie: Ian, dahling, you’re looking as handsome as ever.
Ian: Try one of these cocktails I’ve invented, it’s three measures of Gordon’s...
Agatha: I don’t drink alcohol as you know, I hear you’re writing a novel?
Ian: Yes, it’s to take my mind off getting married, such a dreadful palaver.
Agatha: So true, I even disappeared once during my marriage to Archie.
Ian: I’m having trouble with some names for my characters, I want something really dull and boring for my lead character.
Agatha: In my book The Rajah’s Emerald, I had a shy, awkward character called James Bond...
Ian: Sounds perfect, how about the head of MI6?
Agatha: In my Tommy and Tuppence book about fifth columnists, the traitors are known by the cryptic letters N or M, that would be fun to use a letter, leaving his name a mystery.
Ian: Yes, I remember your book, N or M?, what a fine idea.
Agatha: How’s Jamaica, dahling? I’m thinking of writing a Caribbean mystery.
Ian: Oh, just wonderful, dear, you should see those tropical birds.
C&D- about time we had a Felix post, that was excellent! Liked the little touches.
1964. (Jack Lord’s agent’s office, Hollywood.)
Agent: Jack, my boy, good to see ya! (Waves cigar.)
Lord: It’s good to be here, I hope you have something nice for me.
Agent: I think you’ll like it. Take a seat while I explain.
Lord: Explain?
Agent: Yeah, you remember that film you did a couple of years ago in Jamaica?
Lord: Sure, I played a CIA agent called Felix Leiter.
Agent: Well, they’ve called and they’d like you to do it again. It’ll be called “Goldfinger”.
Lord: In Jamaica again? That’d be great!
Agent: No, not Jamaica- here in the good ol’ US of A. Miami, Kentucky and- get this- Fort Knox!
Lord: With that Connery guy again? James Bond?
Agent: Yup.
Lord: Well, I could be persuaded. Tell them, first of all, I want equal pay with Connery.
Agent: Equal pay? I’m not sure they’d go for that.
Lord: And equal billing.
Agent: Huh?
Lord: Like this:
Albert R. Broccoli & Harry Saltzman present
SEAN CONNERY as JAMES BOND
JACK LORD as FELIX LEITER
in Ian Fleming’s
GOLDFINGER
Agent: I don’t think they’d be too happy with that. The series is about James Bond, Felix only turns up sometimes.
Lord: Tell them that’s what I want, or they can get someone else.
Agent: Okay… I’ll phone ‘em.
(Dials Eon’s number.)
Agent: Hello? Is that Mr Saltzman or Mr Broccoli? … Hi, it’s Jack Lord’s agent, you called me yesterday? …. Well, Jack’s here and he’d be happy to play Felix Leiter again but he has one or two little requests-
Lord: Conditions.
Agent: -conditions for you. He’d like equal pay with Sean Connery and… please stop laughing Mr Broccoli… and he’d also like equal billing… Yes, Mr Saltzman. I see. I’ll tell him.
Lord: What did they say?
Agent: Mr Saltzman says you can take a flying five-oh to yourself.
Sean: Ahh.. very passable, this, very passable.
Roger: Nothing like a good glass of Bollinger.
Timothy: You're right there.
Pierce: Who'd have thought fifty years ago we'd all be sitting here drinking Bollinger?
Sean: In those days, we'd have been glad to have the price of a cup of tea.
Roger: A cup of cold tea.
Timothy: Without milk or sugar.
Pierce: Or tea!
Sean: In a filthy, cracked cup.
Roger: We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up script.
Timothy: The best we could manage was to suck on one of Q’s old ties.
Pierce: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
Roger: Because we were poor! Old Cubby often used to say to me, 'Money doesn't buy you happiness.'
Sean: And he was right. I was happier then and we had nothing. We used to film in this tiny old set, with great big holes in the roof.
Roger: Set? You were lucky to have a set! We used to film in one room, all hundred and twenty-six of us, no props. John Barry playing a slide whistle. Half the floor was missing; we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling!
Pierce: You were lucky to have a room- we used to have to film in a corridor.
Timothy: Oh, we used to dream of filming in a corridor! That would have been a palace to us. We used to film in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken up every morning by John Glen peeing all over us.
Pierce: Er, that was just on you, Timothy.
Timothy: Set!? Hmph.
Sean: Well, when I say 'set' it was only four sheets of newspaper that Ken Adam had coloured in with a felt-tip pen but it was a set to us.
Roger: We were evicted from our sheets of newspaper. We had to film in a puddle.
Timothy: You were lucky to have a puddle! There were a hundred and sixty of us filming in a small shoebox in the middle of the road.
Pierce: Cardboard box, was it?
Timothy: That’s right.
Pierce: You were lucky. We filmed for three months inside a brown paper bag inside a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the morning, clean the brown paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, then go to film for fourteen hours a day week in week out. And when we got back, Martin Campbell would thrash us to sleep with his belt!
Roger: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the puddle at three o'clock in the morning, clean the puddle, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to film every day for tuppence a month, come back, and Lewis Gilbert would beat us around the head and neck with a model Walther PPK, if we were lucky!
Timothy: Well we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and lick the road clean with our tongues. We had half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day filming for fourpence every six years, and when we got back, John Glen would slice us in two with a bread knife.
Sean: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, film twenty-nine hours a day, and pay Cubby for permission to come to work, and when we got back, Terence Young would kill us and dance about on our graves singing 'Hallelujah.'
Roger: But you try and tell young Daniel that today... and he won't believe you!
All: No, no. That’s right….
{[] I have three favourite Python sketches-
1) Four Yorkshiremen (obviously)
2) Argument ("I've told you once" "No you didn't")
3) Lumberjack Song
4) The Spanish Inqui....
Four favourite Python sketches....
(The now standard disclaimer- yes I do know that "Four Yorkshiremen" pre-dates the formation of Python proper.)
Excellent skit
But yes, Four Yorkshiremen isn’t from Python...it was written by Brooke-Taylor, Feldman, Cleese and Chapman...and three of those are much missed
Has anyone noticed that the "continuing sentences" thing that we sometimes do in the Quote game is pretty similar to one of the games on "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" which of course starred Tim Brooke-Taylor as mentioned above?