This is from Number24, CoolHandBond, and me. We started on it before the Alec'n'James idea came up so don't worry- that will be back soon!
1987. Bratislava. General Georgi Koskov is speaking with his girlfriend, Kara Milovy.
Koskov: …but my love, Kara…?
Kara: I cannot do this thing, Georgi! Nice girls like me don’t do that!
Koskov: It is so simple.
Kara: So you say, but I’m nervous to hold it. And the other thing you ask, I have never fired a rifle in my life! I do not know one end of a rifle from the other! Hmm, a bit like the first thing…
Koskov: You only have to-
Kara: Please, Georgi, not that!
Koskov: I was going to say aim and pull the trigger.
Kara: Why should I? You must have many girls who can-
Koskov: I was talking about the rifle!
Kara: Oh, you mean fire a rifle.
Koskov: …but only one who can play the cello.
Kara: What awaits us in the West, Georgi? Are the people kulturny?
Koskov: The West has a vibrant culture for us to enjoy- “Dirty Dancing” for example.
Kara: You want us to defect to the West so I can dance dirty?
Koskov: No, no, Kara- though I wouldn’t mind some private dirty dancing if you see what I am meaning.
Kara: What about music? I’m a classically trained cellist, after all. What music is popular in the West. Stravinsky? Tschaikovsky?
Koskov: “Bad” is very popular right now.
Kara: Dirty dancing to bad music is popular there? Maybe we should stay here where people are forced to listen to good music!
Koskov; No, my love, “Bad” is the name of a record album by the very popular singer Mikail Jakobotizson, or something like that.
Kara: Aha….
Koskov: No, not a-ha, they’re… never mind.
Kara: What is going on, Georgi? Why do you want me to blo… er, I mean shoot you?
Koskov: No, no, no, sweet Kara. I do not want you to blow… I mean, shoot me! I only want you to shoot at me- missing me, of course.
Kara: But why?
Koskov: You do not need to worry your sweet little head about that- leave such things for me to worry about.
Kara: But-
Koskov: And once I am safely in the West I shall send for you.
....and some more from the James & Alec files has surfaced.
1971. The Whyte House, Las Vegas. James Bond has scaled the outside, using both a handy elevator and his piton gun, then landed inside the penthouse flat on a toilet seat. He hears voices speaking from inside the flat itself and bursts in, Walther PPK in hand, only for his weapon to be knocked away by a flying white Persian cat. He stares at the man behind a desk, who is using a pistol to cover both him and another man.
Bond: Blofeld!
Blofeld: (Stroking a white cat with a diamond collar.) Good evening, Mr Bond.
Man: (A bit ruefully.) Hello, James.
Bond: Alec! What are you doing here?
Blofeld: He was doing rather better than you, 007. It was he who kicked the other white cat to see where it ran to, which was my now deceased duplicate.
(Blofeld carefully indicates for Bond to look, and Bond now notices there is a dead man on the floor. He is dressed identically to Blofeld, and from what Bond can see of his face he looked identical to him as well.)
Alec: I had the right idea.
Blofeld: But wrong pussy, Mr Trevelyan. Now, both of you, over here.
(He leads them to a lift, or perhaps I should say elevator, and makes them go inside.)
Blofeld: You press “L”, Mr Bond. The word lobby begins with L.
(Bond presses “L” and the door closes. Instantly he throws his feet to the sides of the elevator.)
Alec: Ouch! Watch your feet, James!
Bond: Never mind that- what are you doing here, fouling up my mission?
Alec: Your mission? Listen, I-
(The sound of gas under pressure is heard, blasting into their confined space. Quickly they are rendered unconscious. The door opens not on the lobby, but on an underground road. Two familiar men are standing waiting for them.)
Mr Wint: Double trouble, Mr Kidd.
Mr Kidd: Two unto others as ye would have them two unto you, Mr Wint.
(They pick up the unconscious bodies and lock them in the boot of their car. A small bottle of cologne falls from Mr Wint’s pocket and is crushed in the process.
Several hours later James Bond awakens inside a remarkably spacious and well-lit underground pipeline. The first thing that he notices is a rat, staring at him in an interested manner. The next thing he notices is Alec Trevelyan, waking up and rubbing his head. And the third thing he notices is…)
Bond: One of us smells like a tart’s handkerchief.
Alec: That’s all you’ve got to say? Here we are, God knows where, facing almost certain death, and you’re worried about what we smell like?
Bond: Listen, Alec-
Alec: That’s so bloody typical of you, you’re always the same. I think it’s time you-
(Alec suddenly pauses.)
Bond: You think it’s time I what?
Alec: Run!!!
(A strange welding device is coming down the pipe towards them.)
Bond: Aaahhhh!
Alec: Aaaggghhhh!
(They start to run before realising there’s nowhere to run to. Bond leaps on top of the device and puts two of the wires together, causing a short circuit so that it stops.)
Thanks guys! Now, I'm sure more about Alec'n'James will come to light soon, but meantime....
2024 (I am incurably optimistic.)The new tall, dark, and handsome Bond (See? Incurably optimistic, like I said.) has spent most of the well-made and incredibly popular film’s running time looking around the world for stolen nuclear warheads and has finally tracked them to the villain’s headquarters which turns out to be a tall building with a blue bird logo on the side. Surreptitiously he enters what turns out to be a massive room with a huge space rocket, gantries and all, against one wall. In front of it sits a man. He is very casual, his legs crossed. Two guards approach Bond from behind and take his gun.
Man: Good evening, Mr Bond. I have been expecting you.
(The voice is vaguely familiar. Bond draws closer then gasps audibly.)
Bond: Elon Musk!
Musk: No prizes for observation there, I’m afraid. I am one of the most famous people in the world.
Bond: Could be worse, you could have been Donald Trump. But what have you been doing with the nuclear warheads? And why would a man like you steal them?
Musk: Yes, I thought you might ask that since I am one of the richest people on Earth. Why steal something? Sadly, Mr Bond, money can’t buy you everything. None of the major powers would sell me the warheads which I wanted in the amounts that I needed no matter how much money I offered them.
Bond: Did you ask Great Britain? We’re always looking for money, especially after that Brexit fiasco.
Musk: I said major powers, Mr Bond. Your home country hasn’t fallen into that category for many years.
Bond: (Ouch! Painful but true.) That may be so, Musk, but why? You won’t be planning on blackmailing the world- you’ve already got more than enough money as it is. Would you be planning on destroying it?
Musk: Destroying the world? Why, the very opposite- I am going to create a world! Come with me over here….
(Musk rises and leads Bond to a chart on one wall. It appears to be a map of space, with lines coming out from the Earth and heading to…)
Bond: Mars! You’re heading for Mars!
Musk: Indeed I am, Mr Bond. This rocket contains enough of a thermonuclear payload to destroy the Martian icecap, thus causing water to flood over the barren surface and water molecules to form in the atmosphere- terraforming, if you like.
Bond: You must be crazy, Musk, there is no way your mad plan can work- you could just as easily cause a nuclear winter to descend upon the whole planet.
Musk: You think so? You haven’t looked behind you!
(Bond turns to see another rocket, this one with a strangely shaped nose section. He doesn’t examine it for long, however, since his attention is drawn to the figure strapped under it- it’s Girlio De Filmio, wearing a scanty bikini and helpless under the rocket’s exhaust. Bond lunges forward but is restrained easily by the guards. Later he will effortlessly beat these guards into unconsciousness but let’s not ask any questions.)
Musk: This rocket contains a giant mirror which will unfold in space to roughly the size of, let’s say Denmark. It will reflect the sun’s heat and light to the Martian surface at my direction and, along with the water from the icecap, ensure that Mars will become rich and fertile- a place where many inhabitants can work, rest and play.
Bond: Curse you, Musk.
Musk: And if you look carefully, you will see space for another captive to be tied underneath the rocket. Farewell, Mr Bond.
(He leaves, sure that his plan to kill Bond will go ahead with no hitches.)
Apparently Mr Musk is really planning to do just this.
Thanks, guys. I was watching a video on YouTube about Musk's plan, and I instantly thought "Bond villain plot".
Now, this next is from both me and the 24 and only Number One. Er, I mean, the one and only Number24.
1965. MI6, Briefing Room. A very large room with tall windows and tapestries and paintings on the walls (one of which will later slide up to reveal a map). M sits with other high officials at a desk in the centre. Facing them are a row of chairs in a semi-circle. James Bond enters, late as usual, and walks across the floor, his footsteps echoing.
M: Well, now that we’re all here….
(Bond slows for a second, knowing that it is he M is chastising, then carries on walking to the seventh chair where he stops suddenly. The chair is unexpectedly occupied.)
Bond: (Hissing through his teeth.) You’re in my chair.
Alec: What? Sorry, old boy, I don’t get you.
Bond: (A bit louder.) You’re in my chair.
Alec: Your chair? No, I’m pretty sure this is my chair.
Bond: It’s chair no. 7.
Alec: (Innocently.) Oh, is it?
M: (Nettled.) Will you two stop that at once?
Bond: But sir-
M: You’re behaving like schoolboys. 007, go and find another chair and sit at the back.
(Seething, Bond does as he has been ordered. As he passes Alec again, he could swear that he has seen Alec giving him the finger under cover of rubbing his face.)
M: The Prime Minister has asked the Home Secretary to represent…
(As M continues, Bond stretches out his left leg and kicks underneath the chair which Alec is sitting on.)
Bond: (Quietly.) I’ll get you for this, Trevelyan, I’ll get you….
Alec: (Whispering.) Oh? In the playground after school?
Bond: Just you-
M: 007! 006!
(Bond and Trevelyan instantly stand to attention, recognising the unmistakeable tone of anger in M’s voice.)
Bond: Sir!
Alec: Sir!
M: Both of you leave the briefing room immediately and go wait outside my office!
Bond: Yes, sir!
Alec: Yes, sir!
(They march out of the briefing room.)
(Miss Moneypenny’s realm. She is filing the latest batch of unpaid speeding tickets from the Double-O Section when Bond and Trevelyan come in, still bickering.)
Bond: …I most certainly did not!
Alec: Of course you did!
Moneypenny: James! Alec! What are you doing here? Both of you should be in the briefing room with M.
Bond: Ah…
Alec: Well, you see…
Moneypenny: Oh, I get it. You’ve been sent here to wait for him, is that it?
Alec: Well, you could say that.
Bond: But it was his fault!
Alec: My fault??? Why, you sexist misogynist dinosaur-
Moneypenny: Enough! I get the picture!
Bond: (Ruefully.) And now both of us have to wait here then report to M.
Alec: Yeah.
Moneypenny: Well, never mind, boys. I’ll make you a cup of nice hot chocolate and then after M has finished tearing you… er… apart I’ll take you down to Q branch and let you look at his new little toys. That’ll cheer you up.
Bond/Alec: Thank you, Moneypenny.
Moneypenny: All just part of the job.
(As Moneypenny goes to the kettle Bond kicks Alec on the ankle, while Alec elbows him sharply in the ribs.)
of course, now what I want to know is how is Bond going to flirt with Moneypenny, with Alec sitting there next to him? and would Moneypenny be flattered by the one-ups-manship in double entendres or disgusted?
1965. Moneypenny’s Office. She makes two cups of steaming hot chocolate and gives them to Bond and Trevelyan, who smile gratefully- though only at her, they’re shooting daggers at each other.
Moneypenny: There you go, boys.
Bond: (Tasting it.) Mmm, hot and sweet- just like you, Penny.
Moneypenny: James, you never change.
Alec: You won’t be saying that in a few years.
Moneypenny: Sorry?
Alec: Er, I said you look lovelier every year.
Bond: Oh? So why didn’t you buy her a birthday present, then?
Alec: Er…. Next week’s her birthday.
Moneypenny: That was last week. James bought me a diamond, in a ring.
Bond: I did?
Moneypenny: Well, you were thinking about it, but I settled for a tulip.
Alec: I’ll get you a dozen red roses.
Bond: You’ll be lucky to get anything from him.
Alec: Why, you-
(Alec and Bond fall to the floor in a flurry of fists.)
Bond: You swine!
Alec: You son of a-
(The door opens and M walks in, a folder in hand. His face instantly goes red with anger.)
M: Bond! Trevelyan! What the hell do you think you’re doing?
(Bond and Alec shamefacedly stop knocking lumps out of each other and stand, heads down, facing their boss.)
2021. Safin’s island. After the smoke from the missiles has died down, a small boat heads out from one of the ships. Two junior sailors make their way onto the island.
1st Sailor: (Sarcastically.) “Go check it out and see what you can see”, he says.
2nd Sailor: Relax, it’s an easy job.
1st Sailor: Hmph! What does he think we’ll find, mermaids?
2nd Sailor: Just see what you can find, that’s all.
1st Sailor: You seriously think we’re going to find anything?
2nd Sailor: You never know- hey, what’s this?
(He picks up a child’s toy.)
1st Sailor: Some kid’s thing.
2nd Sailor: Yeah, but what’s it doing here?
1st Sailor: Like I should know? Just tuck it into your belt and take it back with us.
2nd Sailor: Well, okay.
(He tucks it into his belt and they continue poking and prodding around.)
1st Sailor: Just a lot of rubble now.
2nd Sailor: Keep looking.
1st Sailor: What the hell is that?
2nd Sailor: I think it's a mask.
1st Sailor: Weird sh1t. You think we should take it back with us?
2nd Sailor: Who knows? Probably best.
1st Sailor: Look at this thing here.
2nd Sailor: Some kinda joke eye.
1st Sailor: We’re definitely taking that back.
1st Sailor: And look, over there!
2nd Sailor: It’s a gun- if I’m not mistaken that’s a Walther PPK.
1st Sailor: Standard issue, British Secret Service.
2nd Sailor: What the hell would they have to do with this?
1st Sailor: Beats me, though I’d say that-
2nd Sailor: Wait!
(He holds out a hand, indicating “Be quiet”. They stand frozen for a few seconds.)
1st Sailor: What-
2nd Sailor: Sssh!
(They stand still and silent. A faint sound can be heard.)
2nd Sailor: There! Did you hear that?
1st Sailor: Yeah, but-
(The sound happens again, maybe a little louder.)
1st Sailor: It’s coming from behind those rocks.
2nd Sailor: It sounded like… like someone groaning.
1st Sailor: We gotta go see.
2nd Sailor: All right, but be careful.
(They draw their weapons and go behind the rock….)
... to find a note saying "You'll all find out eventually. Love, Barbara and Michael".
1st Sailor: You've gotta be kidding me!
2nd Sailor: (Sadly.) No, unfortunately. I think they're serious.
2023: EON HQ on a hollowed out island off the coast of Thailand,
Barbara Broccoli and Michael G Wilson are lounging on a tropical beach.
Barbara rings a bell to summon her minions.
BB: Purvis! Wade! Tabasco for my brother's Bloody Mary. Another dragon fruit and avocado smoothie for me.
Purvis and Wade (in unison): Yes, Ma'am.
The minions bring the Tabasco and the smoothie.
BB: While the two of you are here I think it's time to begin the script for Bond 26.
Purvis and Wade (as one): Finally!
BB: Excuse me?
Wade: Nothing, Ma'am.
Purvis: We think we've found a new way to reboot the series. It's never been done before.
Wade: Except for John Wick, Mission: Impossible, and Spy Kids.
Purvis: The hook, as we see it is...
Purvis's and Wade's phones each give several notification chimes. They look at their phones.
BB: What's going on?
Purvis: It's midnight in Los Angeles. As of this minute we are on strike.
Wade: Sorry. Can't do anything related to writing.
Purvis: We have to go. The WGA wants us to picket Amazon. Having Brits there will give the picket line some class.
The minions leave.
MGW: Well, this certainly puts a different spin on things.
BB: It most certainly does. Imagine if we had actually been in pre-production or even shooting.
MGW: Dodged a bullet there. Can't have Quantum of Solace all over again.
BB: With any luck we won't have to worry about the script for Bond 26 for quite a while. After the strike settles we can still blame it for delaying everything for months afterward. Maybe even longer.
MGW: Very fortunate.
Barbara and Michael each give a contented sigh and enjoy their beverages in the tropical sun. All is right in the world.
(Leslie Bricusse, lyricist, enters to find John Barry, composer/conductor, waiting.)
Leslie: So what’s so important I had to come over here? I was busy working on “Dr Doolittle”, you know.
John: Bad news, Leslie.
Leslie: What? Harry and Cubby don’t like the song?
John: That’s it, in a nutshell.
Leslie: That’s unfortunate- we were rather pleased with that one.
John: Yes, I know.
Leslie: Well, there’s nothing else for it but to go back to work then. You write a different tune and I’ll find some different words- though I have to admit that using “You Only Live Twice” is tricky and I may have to use some of the same lyrics again.
John: Yes, you’re right.
Leslie: Then we’ll call Julie back and-
John: Ah.
Leslie: What? They don’t want Julie either?
John: Afraid not. Cubby has someone else in mind.
Leslie: Who would that be?
John: The daughter of an old friend of his.
Leslie: (Snorts.) Oh come on, he can’t be serious. Pick a singer just because he knows her mother?
John: Father, actually.
Leslie: Father, then. Who on Earth could be…. Oh no.
(John nods.)
Leslie: You don’t mean…?
(John nods again.)
Leslie: That… that’s not a man to say “no” to.
John: I think he likes things… his way.
Leslie: Yes, I had heard that. All right, you go and tell Julie and-
John: Oh no, I’m not doing that!
Leslie: You most certainly are because I’m not going to do it!
John: Yes you are.
Leslie: No I am not.
(They stare at each other for a moment.)
Leslie: John… are you thinking what I’m thinking?
John: That would be terrible if we’re both thinking the same thing.
Leslie: I think we are. Let’s just.. let’s just not tell her…
(The story goes that Julie Rogers didn’t find out that she wasn’t singing the final title song to “You Only Live Twice” until sitting in a cinema with her family and friends.)
Look under "Career" for some details on her connection with YOLT. The song was unheard until the 30th Anniversary 2CD in 1992, which also contained a few other goodies to delight Bond/Barry geeks like me.
Q: Ah, there you are, 007. Sit down there, would you? And just take off your jacket and let me see it.
(Bond takes off his finely-tailored jacket and hands it to the comparatively scruffily dressed Q.)
Bond: Just be careful with that, would you?
Q: Of course. Now, in this pocket here I think we’ll put this pen grenade, plus a Sony Ericsson phone with GPS plus state-of-the-art camera, and these X-ray glasses. In the other pocket this credit card lock pick, these other glasses to remotely control your gun- please don’t get them mixed up with the X-ray glasses!- this cigarette lighter bomb, and this other phone containing a 20,000 volt stun mechanism and a fingerprint analyser.
Bond: No radio transmitter to show you where I am?
Q: Of course not, the smart blood will take care of that. Now, in the right-hand side pocket we’ll put this small door keypad decoder, this cigarette case which opens up into binoculars, this tube of Dentonite toothpaste, and these polarising sunglasses. In the left-hand pocket we’ll put this pen for writing poison pen letters, a tiny camera with “007” on it in case you forget who you are, a fountain pen (with a Union Jack on it) which fires a small explosive charge- not perfected yet- and an electromagnetic RPM controller ring.
Bond: Is that all?
Q: Of course not. Now take your jacket back (Bond does, and the weight of it almost pulls him to the floor.) and come over here.
(Bond follows Q to what looks suspiciously like…)
Bond: …an operating table?
Q: Yes, of course it is. How else am I going to remove one of your eyes and substitute this bionic one we’ve salvaged from Blofeld? Bond….? Bond? Come back!!!!
but since Bond was vapourised at the end of his last exciting adventure, theyd have too start with the eyeball and build the layers of plastic surgery tissue outwards. hmm, in that case, would that mean the new James Bond would actually be Blofeld?
The household of Billie Eilish. Her daughter enters, carrying a small baby in her arms.
Daughter: Look, Mother, here she is!
Billie: Oh my darling! Let me see!
(Billie looks happily at the bundle in her daughter’s arms.)
Billie: She’s beautiful.
Daughter: Just like her two big sisters.
Billie: Yes, they are all beautiful. Let me hold her, please.
Daughter: Of course.
(Billie takes hold of the precious tiny child.)
Billie: Hello, my pretty little darling- I’m your grandmother, yes I am.
(She nuzzles the baby, a huge smile on her lips.)
Billie: How are you feeling, my love?
Daughter: A little tired, but otherwise I’m all right.
Billie: Just remember to look after yourself.
Daughter: I will, don’t worry.
(The telephone rings.)
Billie: Oh, get that, would you? I don’t want to put the baby down.
Daughter: Of course. (She answers the phone.) Hello? ….. Yes, she’s here but she’s a bit busy just at the moment. This is her daughter, can I take a message? …. Yes, of course…. No problem, I’ll ask her, just hold on.
Billie: Who is it, darling?
Daughter: It’s Barbara Broccoli- she wants to know if you would like to sing the theme song to Bond 26.
Comments
M's OFFICE
M: Come in 007. Take a look at this.
M hands 007 a folder. 007 opens it to find a photograph obviously taken with a telephoto lens.
007: I see reports of his death were greatly exaggerated.
M: He's apparently getting back in the game.
The intercom buzzes.
Moneypenny (voice): 006 is here.
007: Who?!?
M: Excellent. Send Trevelyan in. (To 007) I want you to partner with 006 on this matter.
007: WHAT?!?!?
A blonde woman enters M's Office and extends a hand to 007.
006: Pleasure to meet you, Nomi. I'm Aleksandra Trevelyan. You can call me Alec. Fancy a pint?
****************************************************************
Sorry, all. I couldn't resist the modern era gender swap.
Yes, that could be a topic in itself.
This is from Number24, CoolHandBond, and me. We started on it before the Alec'n'James idea came up so don't worry- that will be back soon!
1987. Bratislava. General Georgi Koskov is speaking with his girlfriend, Kara Milovy.
Koskov: …but my love, Kara…?
Kara: I cannot do this thing, Georgi! Nice girls like me don’t do that!
Koskov: It is so simple.
Kara: So you say, but I’m nervous to hold it. And the other thing you ask, I have never fired a rifle in my life! I do not know one end of a rifle from the other! Hmm, a bit like the first thing…
Koskov: You only have to-
Kara: Please, Georgi, not that!
Koskov: I was going to say aim and pull the trigger.
Kara: Why should I? You must have many girls who can-
Koskov: I was talking about the rifle!
Kara: Oh, you mean fire a rifle.
Koskov: …but only one who can play the cello.
Kara: What awaits us in the West, Georgi? Are the people kulturny?
Koskov: The West has a vibrant culture for us to enjoy- “Dirty Dancing” for example.
Kara: You want us to defect to the West so I can dance dirty?
Koskov: No, no, Kara- though I wouldn’t mind some private dirty dancing if you see what I am meaning.
Kara: What about music? I’m a classically trained cellist, after all. What music is popular in the West. Stravinsky? Tschaikovsky?
Koskov: “Bad” is very popular right now.
Kara: Dirty dancing to bad music is popular there? Maybe we should stay here where people are forced to listen to good music!
Koskov; No, my love, “Bad” is the name of a record album by the very popular singer Mikail Jakobotizson, or something like that.
Kara: Aha….
Koskov: No, not a-ha, they’re… never mind.
Kara: What is going on, Georgi? Why do you want me to blo… er, I mean shoot you?
Koskov: No, no, no, sweet Kara. I do not want you to blow… I mean, shoot me! I only want you to shoot at me- missing me, of course.
Kara: But why?
Koskov: You do not need to worry your sweet little head about that- leave such things for me to worry about.
Kara: But-
Koskov: And once I am safely in the West I shall send for you.
Kara: You will?
Koskov: Of course. What on earth could go wrong?
....and some more from the James & Alec files has surfaced.
1971. The Whyte House, Las Vegas. James Bond has scaled the outside, using both a handy elevator and his piton gun, then landed inside the penthouse flat on a toilet seat. He hears voices speaking from inside the flat itself and bursts in, Walther PPK in hand, only for his weapon to be knocked away by a flying white Persian cat. He stares at the man behind a desk, who is using a pistol to cover both him and another man.
Bond: Blofeld!
Blofeld: (Stroking a white cat with a diamond collar.) Good evening, Mr Bond.
Man: (A bit ruefully.) Hello, James.
Bond: Alec! What are you doing here?
Blofeld: He was doing rather better than you, 007. It was he who kicked the other white cat to see where it ran to, which was my now deceased duplicate.
(Blofeld carefully indicates for Bond to look, and Bond now notices there is a dead man on the floor. He is dressed identically to Blofeld, and from what Bond can see of his face he looked identical to him as well.)
Alec: I had the right idea.
Blofeld: But wrong pussy, Mr Trevelyan. Now, both of you, over here.
(He leads them to a lift, or perhaps I should say elevator, and makes them go inside.)
Blofeld: You press “L”, Mr Bond. The word lobby begins with L.
(Bond presses “L” and the door closes. Instantly he throws his feet to the sides of the elevator.)
Alec: Ouch! Watch your feet, James!
Bond: Never mind that- what are you doing here, fouling up my mission?
Alec: Your mission? Listen, I-
(The sound of gas under pressure is heard, blasting into their confined space. Quickly they are rendered unconscious. The door opens not on the lobby, but on an underground road. Two familiar men are standing waiting for them.)
Mr Wint: Double trouble, Mr Kidd.
Mr Kidd: Two unto others as ye would have them two unto you, Mr Wint.
(They pick up the unconscious bodies and lock them in the boot of their car. A small bottle of cologne falls from Mr Wint’s pocket and is crushed in the process.
Several hours later James Bond awakens inside a remarkably spacious and well-lit underground pipeline. The first thing that he notices is a rat, staring at him in an interested manner. The next thing he notices is Alec Trevelyan, waking up and rubbing his head. And the third thing he notices is…)
Bond: One of us smells like a tart’s handkerchief.
Alec: That’s all you’ve got to say? Here we are, God knows where, facing almost certain death, and you’re worried about what we smell like?
Bond: Listen, Alec-
Alec: That’s so bloody typical of you, you’re always the same. I think it’s time you-
(Alec suddenly pauses.)
Bond: You think it’s time I what?
Alec: Run!!!
(A strange welding device is coming down the pipe towards them.)
Bond: Aaahhhh!
Alec: Aaaggghhhh!
(They start to run before realising there’s nowhere to run to. Bond leaps on top of the device and puts two of the wires together, causing a short circuit so that it stops.)
Alec: Well?
Bond: Well what?
Alec: Well what do we do now?
Bond: We wait…..
Well, this is just my way of announcing it...
Bride Of Barbel: It’s a boy!
Barbel: Hooray!
(The two happily kiss.)
Barbel: You know, I think it's the time to come up with this: I think “James” would be an excellent choice of name.
Bride: No way! You know-
Barbel: Okay, how about Sean? Roger? Pierce?
Bride: No, my love, it’s-
Barbel: Timothy then? Or George?
Bride: Haven't you forgotten somebody?
Barbel: Of course, what am I thinking- David? Or Barry?
Bride: NO! Now, listen-
Barbel: Of course, what am I thinking- it has to be Ian!
Bride: Will you stop just for one moment?
Barbel: Of course, darling, what is it?
Bride: You don’t get the choice!
Barbel: (Sadly.) No?
Bride: No! The grandfather doesn’t get to pick the name!
Barbel: Awww….
Congratulations 🎉
Congratulations indeed
Congratulations, Barbel, another future Bond fan, I’m sure 🥂
Congratulations.
Thanks guys! Now, I'm sure more about Alec'n'James will come to light soon, but meantime....
2024 (I am incurably optimistic.) The new tall, dark, and handsome Bond (See? Incurably optimistic, like I said.) has spent most of the well-made and incredibly popular film’s running time looking around the world for stolen nuclear warheads and has finally tracked them to the villain’s headquarters which turns out to be a tall building with a blue bird logo on the side. Surreptitiously he enters what turns out to be a massive room with a huge space rocket, gantries and all, against one wall. In front of it sits a man. He is very casual, his legs crossed. Two guards approach Bond from behind and take his gun.
Man: Good evening, Mr Bond. I have been expecting you.
(The voice is vaguely familiar. Bond draws closer then gasps audibly.)
Bond: Elon Musk!
Musk: No prizes for observation there, I’m afraid. I am one of the most famous people in the world.
Bond: Could be worse, you could have been Donald Trump. But what have you been doing with the nuclear warheads? And why would a man like you steal them?
Musk: Yes, I thought you might ask that since I am one of the richest people on Earth. Why steal something? Sadly, Mr Bond, money can’t buy you everything. None of the major powers would sell me the warheads which I wanted in the amounts that I needed no matter how much money I offered them.
Bond: Did you ask Great Britain? We’re always looking for money, especially after that Brexit fiasco.
Musk: I said major powers, Mr Bond. Your home country hasn’t fallen into that category for many years.
Bond: (Ouch! Painful but true.) That may be so, Musk, but why? You won’t be planning on blackmailing the world- you’ve already got more than enough money as it is. Would you be planning on destroying it?
Musk: Destroying the world? Why, the very opposite- I am going to create a world! Come with me over here….
(Musk rises and leads Bond to a chart on one wall. It appears to be a map of space, with lines coming out from the Earth and heading to…)
Bond: Mars! You’re heading for Mars!
Musk: Indeed I am, Mr Bond. This rocket contains enough of a thermonuclear payload to destroy the Martian icecap, thus causing water to flood over the barren surface and water molecules to form in the atmosphere- terraforming, if you like.
Bond: You must be crazy, Musk, there is no way your mad plan can work- you could just as easily cause a nuclear winter to descend upon the whole planet.
Musk: You think so? You haven’t looked behind you!
(Bond turns to see another rocket, this one with a strangely shaped nose section. He doesn’t examine it for long, however, since his attention is drawn to the figure strapped under it- it’s Girlio De Filmio, wearing a scanty bikini and helpless under the rocket’s exhaust. Bond lunges forward but is restrained easily by the guards. Later he will effortlessly beat these guards into unconsciousness but let’s not ask any questions.)
Musk: This rocket contains a giant mirror which will unfold in space to roughly the size of, let’s say Denmark. It will reflect the sun’s heat and light to the Martian surface at my direction and, along with the water from the icecap, ensure that Mars will become rich and fertile- a place where many inhabitants can work, rest and play.
Bond: Curse you, Musk.
Musk: And if you look carefully, you will see space for another captive to be tied underneath the rocket. Farewell, Mr Bond.
(He leaves, sure that his plan to kill Bond will go ahead with no hitches.)
Apparently Mr Musk is really planning to do just this.
This is one of the most realistic Conversations you've ever written.
Musk nicked that space mirror idea from a Dr Who episode, The Enemy of the World. The title should be enough to make people stop and think.
Thanks, guys. I was watching a video on YouTube about Musk's plan, and I instantly thought "Bond villain plot".
Now, this next is from both me and the 24 and only Number One. Er, I mean, the one and only Number24.
1965. MI6, Briefing Room. A very large room with tall windows and tapestries and paintings on the walls (one of which will later slide up to reveal a map). M sits with other high officials at a desk in the centre. Facing them are a row of chairs in a semi-circle. James Bond enters, late as usual, and walks across the floor, his footsteps echoing.
M: Well, now that we’re all here….
(Bond slows for a second, knowing that it is he M is chastising, then carries on walking to the seventh chair where he stops suddenly. The chair is unexpectedly occupied.)
Bond: (Hissing through his teeth.) You’re in my chair.
Alec: What? Sorry, old boy, I don’t get you.
Bond: (A bit louder.) You’re in my chair.
Alec: Your chair? No, I’m pretty sure this is my chair.
Bond: It’s chair no. 7.
Alec: (Innocently.) Oh, is it?
M: (Nettled.) Will you two stop that at once?
Bond: But sir-
M: You’re behaving like schoolboys. 007, go and find another chair and sit at the back.
(Seething, Bond does as he has been ordered. As he passes Alec again, he could swear that he has seen Alec giving him the finger under cover of rubbing his face.)
M: The Prime Minister has asked the Home Secretary to represent…
(As M continues, Bond stretches out his left leg and kicks underneath the chair which Alec is sitting on.)
Bond: (Quietly.) I’ll get you for this, Trevelyan, I’ll get you….
Alec: (Whispering.) Oh? In the playground after school?
Bond: Just you-
M: 007! 006!
(Bond and Trevelyan instantly stand to attention, recognising the unmistakeable tone of anger in M’s voice.)
Bond: Sir!
Alec: Sir!
M: Both of you leave the briefing room immediately and go wait outside my office!
Bond: Yes, sir!
Alec: Yes, sir!
(They march out of the briefing room.)
(Miss Moneypenny’s realm. She is filing the latest batch of unpaid speeding tickets from the Double-O Section when Bond and Trevelyan come in, still bickering.)
Bond: …I most certainly did not!
Alec: Of course you did!
Moneypenny: James! Alec! What are you doing here? Both of you should be in the briefing room with M.
Bond: Ah…
Alec: Well, you see…
Moneypenny: Oh, I get it. You’ve been sent here to wait for him, is that it?
Alec: Well, you could say that.
Bond: But it was his fault!
Alec: My fault??? Why, you sexist misogynist dinosaur-
Moneypenny: Enough! I get the picture!
Bond: (Ruefully.) And now both of us have to wait here then report to M.
Alec: Yeah.
Moneypenny: Well, never mind, boys. I’ll make you a cup of nice hot chocolate and then after M has finished tearing you… er… apart I’ll take you down to Q branch and let you look at his new little toys. That’ll cheer you up.
Bond/Alec: Thank you, Moneypenny.
Moneypenny: All just part of the job.
(As Moneypenny goes to the kettle Bond kicks Alec on the ankle, while Alec elbows him sharply in the ribs.)
say that turned out really good!
of course, now what I want to know is how is Bond going to flirt with Moneypenny, with Alec sitting there next to him? and would Moneypenny be flattered by the one-ups-manship in double entendres or disgusted?
With help from @caractacus potts and @Number24 , here's the next part:
Part Two
1965. Moneypenny’s Office. She makes two cups of steaming hot chocolate and gives them to Bond and Trevelyan, who smile gratefully- though only at her, they’re shooting daggers at each other.
Moneypenny: There you go, boys.
Bond: (Tasting it.) Mmm, hot and sweet- just like you, Penny.
Moneypenny: James, you never change.
Alec: You won’t be saying that in a few years.
Moneypenny: Sorry?
Alec: Er, I said you look lovelier every year.
Bond: Oh? So why didn’t you buy her a birthday present, then?
Alec: Er…. Next week’s her birthday.
Moneypenny: That was last week. James bought me a diamond, in a ring.
Bond: I did?
Moneypenny: Well, you were thinking about it, but I settled for a tulip.
Alec: I’ll get you a dozen red roses.
Bond: You’ll be lucky to get anything from him.
Alec: Why, you-
(Alec and Bond fall to the floor in a flurry of fists.)
Bond: You swine!
Alec: You son of a-
(The door opens and M walks in, a folder in hand. His face instantly goes red with anger.)
M: Bond! Trevelyan! What the hell do you think you’re doing?
(Bond and Alec shamefacedly stop knocking lumps out of each other and stand, heads down, facing their boss.)
Bond: Well, sir…
Alec: It was like this, sir…
M: Enough! Get in here right now!
(They dispiritedly trudge into M’s office.)
M: Miss Moneypenny- see we are not disturbed.
Moneypenny: (Sadly.) Yes, sir.
😂
This, I think, is the last from the Alec & James saga- unless anyone else wants to write another one. Thanks to everyone who participated.
1964. Q’s lab.
Q: …and this control here activates the tyre slashers, which will then extend from front and rear tyres.
Bond: Right. Got that.
Q: I think that’s all about the Aston Martin-
Bond: Thanks, Q.
Q: -which is being assigned to 006.
Alec: (Swiftly taking the keys from Q.) Thank you, Q!
Bond: Now wait just one-
(But Alec has driven off, rather noisily, in the Aston Martin.)
Bond: Oh, great.
Q: Don’t worry, 007, I’ve got something else for you.
Bond: Oh?
Q: Yes, it’s this blue Ford Anglia. I bought it cheap from a man called Weasley….
2021. Safin’s island. After the smoke from the missiles has died down, a small boat heads out from one of the ships. Two junior sailors make their way onto the island.
1st Sailor: (Sarcastically.) “Go check it out and see what you can see”, he says.
2nd Sailor: Relax, it’s an easy job.
1st Sailor: Hmph! What does he think we’ll find, mermaids?
2nd Sailor: Just see what you can find, that’s all.
1st Sailor: You seriously think we’re going to find anything?
2nd Sailor: You never know- hey, what’s this?
(He picks up a child’s toy.)
1st Sailor: Some kid’s thing.
2nd Sailor: Yeah, but what’s it doing here?
1st Sailor: Like I should know? Just tuck it into your belt and take it back with us.
2nd Sailor: Well, okay.
(He tucks it into his belt and they continue poking and prodding around.)
1st Sailor: Just a lot of rubble now.
2nd Sailor: Keep looking.
1st Sailor: What the hell is that?
2nd Sailor: I think it's a mask.
1st Sailor: Weird sh1t. You think we should take it back with us?
2nd Sailor: Who knows? Probably best.
1st Sailor: Look at this thing here.
2nd Sailor: Some kinda joke eye.
1st Sailor: We’re definitely taking that back.
1st Sailor: And look, over there!
2nd Sailor: It’s a gun- if I’m not mistaken that’s a Walther PPK.
1st Sailor: Standard issue, British Secret Service.
2nd Sailor: What the hell would they have to do with this?
1st Sailor: Beats me, though I’d say that-
2nd Sailor: Wait!
(He holds out a hand, indicating “Be quiet”. They stand frozen for a few seconds.)
1st Sailor: What-
2nd Sailor: Sssh!
(They stand still and silent. A faint sound can be heard.)
2nd Sailor: There! Did you hear that?
1st Sailor: Yeah, but-
(The sound happens again, maybe a little louder.)
1st Sailor: It’s coming from behind those rocks.
2nd Sailor: It sounded like… like someone groaning.
1st Sailor: We gotta go see.
2nd Sailor: All right, but be careful.
(They draw their weapons and go behind the rock….)
... to find a note saying "You'll all find out eventually. Love, Barbara and Michael".
1st Sailor: You've gotta be kidding me!
2nd Sailor: (Sadly.) No, unfortunately. I think they're serious.
2023: EON HQ on a hollowed out island off the coast of Thailand,
Barbara Broccoli and Michael G Wilson are lounging on a tropical beach.
Barbara rings a bell to summon her minions.
BB: Purvis! Wade! Tabasco for my brother's Bloody Mary. Another dragon fruit and avocado smoothie for me.
Purvis and Wade (in unison): Yes, Ma'am.
The minions bring the Tabasco and the smoothie.
BB: While the two of you are here I think it's time to begin the script for Bond 26.
Purvis and Wade (as one): Finally!
BB: Excuse me?
Wade: Nothing, Ma'am.
Purvis: We think we've found a new way to reboot the series. It's never been done before.
Wade: Except for John Wick, Mission: Impossible, and Spy Kids.
Purvis: The hook, as we see it is...
Purvis's and Wade's phones each give several notification chimes. They look at their phones.
BB: What's going on?
Purvis: It's midnight in Los Angeles. As of this minute we are on strike.
Wade: Sorry. Can't do anything related to writing.
Purvis: We have to go. The WGA wants us to picket Amazon. Having Brits there will give the picket line some class.
The minions leave.
MGW: Well, this certainly puts a different spin on things.
BB: It most certainly does. Imagine if we had actually been in pre-production or even shooting.
MGW: Dodged a bullet there. Can't have Quantum of Solace all over again.
BB: With any luck we won't have to worry about the script for Bond 26 for quite a while. After the strike settles we can still blame it for delaying everything for months afterward. Maybe even longer.
MGW: Very fortunate.
Barbara and Michael each give a contented sigh and enjoy their beverages in the tropical sun. All is right in the world.
👏👏👏👏 Love it!
Thanks @Barbel
BTW, did you get my April 22 PM?
PM sent.
1967. CTS Recording Studios, London.
(3) John Barry ~ You Only Live Twice (Demo Version) - YouTube
(Leslie Bricusse, lyricist, enters to find John Barry, composer/conductor, waiting.)
Leslie: So what’s so important I had to come over here? I was busy working on “Dr Doolittle”, you know.
John: Bad news, Leslie.
Leslie: What? Harry and Cubby don’t like the song?
John: That’s it, in a nutshell.
Leslie: That’s unfortunate- we were rather pleased with that one.
John: Yes, I know.
Leslie: Well, there’s nothing else for it but to go back to work then. You write a different tune and I’ll find some different words- though I have to admit that using “You Only Live Twice” is tricky and I may have to use some of the same lyrics again.
John: Yes, you’re right.
Leslie: Then we’ll call Julie back and-
John: Ah.
Leslie: What? They don’t want Julie either?
John: Afraid not. Cubby has someone else in mind.
Leslie: Who would that be?
John: The daughter of an old friend of his.
Leslie: (Snorts.) Oh come on, he can’t be serious. Pick a singer just because he knows her mother?
John: Father, actually.
Leslie: Father, then. Who on Earth could be…. Oh no.
(John nods.)
Leslie: You don’t mean…?
(John nods again.)
Leslie: That… that’s not a man to say “no” to.
John: I think he likes things… his way.
Leslie: Yes, I had heard that. All right, you go and tell Julie and-
John: Oh no, I’m not doing that!
Leslie: You most certainly are because I’m not going to do it!
John: Yes you are.
Leslie: No I am not.
(They stare at each other for a moment.)
Leslie: John… are you thinking what I’m thinking?
John: That would be terrible if we’re both thinking the same thing.
Leslie: I think we are. Let’s just.. let’s just not tell her…
(The story goes that Julie Rogers didn’t find out that she wasn’t singing the final title song to “You Only Live Twice” until sitting in a cinema with her family and friends.)
At the risk of sounding completely ignorant and going way off topic - who on earth is Julie Rogers? Not a bad song, but it's no Bond theme.
There you go, @chrisno1
Look under "Career" for some details on her connection with YOLT. The song was unheard until the 30th Anniversary 2CD in 1992, which also contained a few other goodies to delight Bond/Barry geeks like me.
OK, now I know. That song The Wedding is a bit of a belter. More like something from the 40s than the 60s, I think my Nan used to sing it at parties.
2023+ ???? Q’s Lab.
Bond: Morning, Q.
Q: Ah, there you are, 007. Sit down there, would you? And just take off your jacket and let me see it.
(Bond takes off his finely-tailored jacket and hands it to the comparatively scruffily dressed Q.)
Bond: Just be careful with that, would you?
Q: Of course. Now, in this pocket here I think we’ll put this pen grenade, plus a Sony Ericsson phone with GPS plus state-of-the-art camera, and these X-ray glasses. In the other pocket this credit card lock pick, these other glasses to remotely control your gun- please don’t get them mixed up with the X-ray glasses!- this cigarette lighter bomb, and this other phone containing a 20,000 volt stun mechanism and a fingerprint analyser.
Bond: No radio transmitter to show you where I am?
Q: Of course not, the smart blood will take care of that. Now, in the right-hand side pocket we’ll put this small door keypad decoder, this cigarette case which opens up into binoculars, this tube of Dentonite toothpaste, and these polarising sunglasses. In the left-hand pocket we’ll put this pen for writing poison pen letters, a tiny camera with “007” on it in case you forget who you are, a fountain pen (with a Union Jack on it) which fires a small explosive charge- not perfected yet- and an electromagnetic RPM controller ring.
Bond: Is that all?
Q: Of course not. Now take your jacket back (Bond does, and the weight of it almost pulls him to the floor.) and come over here.
(Bond follows Q to what looks suspiciously like…)
Bond: …an operating table?
Q: Yes, of course it is. How else am I going to remove one of your eyes and substitute this bionic one we’ve salvaged from Blofeld? Bond….? Bond? Come back!!!!
but since Bond was vapourised at the end of his last exciting adventure, theyd have too start with the eyeball and build the layers of plastic surgery tissue outwards. hmm, in that case, would that mean the new James Bond would actually be Blofeld?
Rather that than his brother!
The household of Billie Eilish. Her daughter enters, carrying a small baby in her arms.
Daughter: Look, Mother, here she is!
Billie: Oh my darling! Let me see!
(Billie looks happily at the bundle in her daughter’s arms.)
Billie: She’s beautiful.
Daughter: Just like her two big sisters.
Billie: Yes, they are all beautiful. Let me hold her, please.
Daughter: Of course.
(Billie takes hold of the precious tiny child.)
Billie: Hello, my pretty little darling- I’m your grandmother, yes I am.
(She nuzzles the baby, a huge smile on her lips.)
Billie: How are you feeling, my love?
Daughter: A little tired, but otherwise I’m all right.
Billie: Just remember to look after yourself.
Daughter: I will, don’t worry.
(The telephone rings.)
Billie: Oh, get that, would you? I don’t want to put the baby down.
Daughter: Of course. (She answers the phone.) Hello? ….. Yes, she’s here but she’s a bit busy just at the moment. This is her daughter, can I take a message? …. Yes, of course…. No problem, I’ll ask her, just hold on.
Billie: Who is it, darling?
Daughter: It’s Barbara Broccoli- she wants to know if you would like to sing the theme song to Bond 26.