Thanks, Sir Miles. It's become an unintended tradition to start a new page with someone pacing up and down, waiting for the phone to ring and today's will be along soon. I can hear the footsteps, but they belong to the least likely person....
This is for @CoolHandBond, who likes "the scenes that must have happened but we don't get to see".
1974. A street in Bangkok. Sheriff JW Pepper and his good lady Maybelle are strolling casually together.
Maybelle: Ain’t this just the best, Jay Dubya?
JW: Humph. I dunno why you wanted to drag us here, Maybelle, halfway round the world. Ain’t as if we ain’t got places back home where we could relax.
Maybelle: Aw, don’t be like that, honey. You know the doctor said you needed to get away from it all and relax.
JW: I can relax back home. Hey, what’s this?
Maybelle: It’s just a showroom for automobiles, hon- looks like those AMC models we got back home.
JW: Yeah, that’s right, that’s right. Ya know, I think I’ll take myself a little look at those there automobiles.
Maybelle: Aw JW, you can see them there automobiles back in Louisiana. There ain’t no sensible reason for you to go looking at them in Bangkok!
JW: Look, sugar, if I wants to go looking at automobiles then I’m damn sure gonna go looking at automobiles!
Maybelle: But JW, even if you buy one you still gotta get it home.
JW: I letcha look at them little elephants, didn’t I? Now, you trot off back to our hotel an’ I’ll go have me a look see at these here automobiles.
Maybelle: (Figuring it’s easiest just to agree with him, being in the best position to know.) Yeah, sure, JW.
(Maybelle walks off, and JW marches into the showroom. A salesman promptly appears.)
Salesman: Good day, sir, how may I help you?
JW: Hey there, boy, I gotta mind to have a look at one of these here cars ya’re selling.
Salesman: Of course, sir, did you have any particular model in mind?
JW: I just wants ta look, ya know?
Salesman: Certainly, sir. May I ask, you’re not a local man, are you?
JW: I sure ain’t, boy! You are talking to Sheriff JW Pepper, Louisiana State Police.
Salesman: Which one?
JW: Huh?
Salesman: Well, either you’re a Sheriff or you’re in the State Police- you can’t be both.
JW: You tryin’ to tell me my job, boy?
Salesman: Oh good heavens, sir, I would never do that!
JW: Humph. Well, are you gonna show me this here auto, then, or are ya just gonna stand there?
Salesman: Most certainly, Sergeant Pepper, sir.
JW: That’s SHERIFF Pepper to you!!!!
Salesman: Of course, of course. Now, if you would care to get into the vehicle of your choice, I would be only too delighted to show you its features.
JW: All right.
(He makes to get in.)
Salesman: Ah, sir, Mr Sheriff, sir…
JW: Yeah? You gotta problem?
Salesman: That would be the passenger side. Most of our customers prefer to sit on the driver’s side.
JW: You don’t tell me where to sit, boy! If I wanna sit here I am sure gonna sit here!
Salesman: Er… yes, of course. If you would excuse me one moment, good sir, I shall be straight back to you.
(The salesman retreats to his office for a moment’s sanity. Unseen by JW a familiar figure enters the showroom and sits in the driver’s seat of the car.)
1999. Eon HQ, disguised as a car showroom in Bangkok. Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli are interviewing prospective directors. Michael Bay enters.
BB: Ah, come in, Mr Bay, do sit down.
Bay: Thank you.
(Sits down.)
MGW: Now, as you know we are looking for a director for our next James Bond film, “The World Is Not Enough”.
Bay: Yes, I know.
BB: And your name came up. Our story starts in Bilbao, Spain. We see James Bond heading for a meeting with a Swiss banker. He goes into a building-
Bay: And it blows up!
MGW: Sorry?
Bay: The building blows up! Debris everywhere! Bodies flying-
BB: No, no! Mr Bay, this is just the opening of the movie. It’s what we call the PTS, or Pre Title Sequence. Yes, things might blow up but not as soon as we see Bond.
Bay: Oh, right. I see.
MGW: Not too much later Bond goes back to MI6 HQ, where we see Miss Moneypenny and M and then-
Bay: M turns into a giant robot and-
BB: NO, Mr Bay, she does not. Look, maybe we’re approaching this all wrong. What are your thoughts on plot?
Bay: Things explode! Shrapnel flies all over the place! We’re deafened by the noise and blinded by the lights!
MGW: ….right…. And how would you be handling the characters?
Bay: (Shrugs.) Some live, some die, and some others….
BB: Yes, some others?
Bay: Some others turn into giant robots and take over the-
MGW: Okay, okay. Give us a moment here.
(MGW and BB whisper to each other before turning back to Bay.)
BB: Look, Mr Bay, all that you’ve been telling us is fine within limits. Yes, of course we will have things blowing up, big noises, and so on.
Bay: (Smiling happily.) That’s good.
MGW: But there’s more to a movie than that, you know.
(MGW pauses expectantly. Nothing happens.)
BB: We said, there’s more to a movie than that.
Bay: (Looking confused.) There is?
MGW: (Sighing heavily.) Thank you, Mr Bay. We’ll be in touch.
1979. Venice. M, James Bond, and the Minister are all walking beside a canal. The Minister is furious.
Minister: I’ve never been so humiliated in my life. Your man should be taken off the assignment. I’ll see you at the consulate.
(He stomps away. M turns to Bond.)
M: I’ll have to do what he says.
Bond: Before you do that, sir, have Q do an analysis of this. (He produces a glass vial.) I took it from the laboratory. Tell him to exercise extreme caution. It is lethal.
M: So there was a laboratory. (Bond nods. M looks at him thoughtfully.) Then I have just one question for you, 007.
Bond: But of course, sir.
(Bond waits while M takes a few deep breaths.)
M: WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU SHOW ME THIS BEFORE???
Bond: (Taken aback.) Before?
M: Before I dragged the Minister- my boss, remember, therefore your boss’s boss- halfway across Europe on an unrealistically short timetable only to put on a f***ing gas mask and embarrass himself and us too in front of Hugo Drax, a very rich and very important man in an unsuspicious office and not in some sort of science fiction laboratory like you said?
Bond: But sir-
(A man and a woman stop on the bridge behind them. If we could see more closely we might recognize them….)
M: All this while you had proof, actual concrete proof, in your possession which you chose not to share with me.
Bond: Ah, yes, but-
M: But? But what, 007?
(There is an awkward silence. Bond can’t think of anything to say.)
M: I will tell you but what. But what you are suspended forthwith. But what 006 will replace you on this assignment. But what he will link up with the CIA in a more productive manner than you have managed so far. Do I make myself clear?
(Bond looks at his shoes.)
Bond: Yes, sir.
M: Now get out of here and book yourself on the next flight back to London. Go home and wait for me to call. Understand?
Bond: Yes, sir.
M: What did you think was going to happen? I would let you go flying around the world again? South America this time, perhaps?
Bond: Er…..
M: Get out of my sight and start working out your repayments.
Bond: (Confused.) Repayments, sir?
M: Yes, repayments. One gondola with extras, one rare glass museum completely smashed, and the pension for life to your late gondolier Franco’s widow and children.
I'll see if I can find another one along those lines, then. But meanwhile....
1967. Eon HQ, on a circular space station which rotates to the sound of the “Blue Danube” waltz. Messrs Broccoli & Saltzman sit behind their desk.
Harry: You sure about this guy, Cubby?
Cubby: Well, Ken Adam vouches for him, they did a picture together.
Harry: What was that?
Cubby: Little thing called “Dr Strangelove”.
Harry: (Rubbing his chin.) Hmm, don’t know that one.
Cubby: (Rolling his eyes.) Let’s get him in.
Harry: Sure. (Presses a button on the intercom.) Show the next applicant in, please.
(The door opens and a spacesuited man floats in.)
Harry: Please, have a seat Mr Rubik.
Stanley: (Sitting down.) That’s Kubrick.
Harry: Oh, yes. Sorry.
Cubby: Welcome, Mr Kubrick. Perhaps you could begin by telling us why you are interested in this job.
Stanley: Well, I’ve had a look at the synopsis and I see that there are several sections of your next James Bond movie which take place in outer space, specifically the opening.
Harry: Yes, we do open in outer space.
Cubby: With one spacecraft swallowing up another.
Stanley: And this ties in very neatly with my own ideas for what I’d like to do with my next film project.
Harry: Please, tell us more, Mr Ru- er, Kubrick.
Stanley: You want to open the movie in outer space? Well, I therefore feel we have to update your gunbarrel like this-
Cubby: Very nice, but we’ll be sticking with our usual approach.
Stanley: And then you want spacecraft moving about?
Harry: Yes, that’s right.
Stanley: I can see them moving to the strains of the “Blue Danube”- it’ll be amazing!
Harry: Er, “Blue Danube”?
Stanley: It’s by Strauss.
Harry: Have you got his phone number?
Cubby: (Before Kubrick can reply.) It’s all right, we’re just going to continue using John Barry, he hasn’t let us down yet.
Stanley: Oh, all right.
Cubby: This will be the first film in which the audience gets to see our series villain, Blofeld. Have you any thoughts on how he might look?
Stanley: Oh, yes. He’ll be all in white except for a black bowler hat, and have make-up on one eye only.
Harry: And be carrying a cat?
Stanley: No, although we could have him battering a cat to death if you like.
(There’s a moment’s silence before either of the producers can reply to this.)
Cubby: Battering a cat?
Stanley: Yes.
Harry: To death?
Stanley: Oh, yes. While singing “Singing In The Rain”.
(Cubby and Harry glance at each other then both start to speak simultaneously.)
Harry: Well, I-
Cubby: Thank you-
(They each wave at the other, then Cubby starts.)
Cubby: Well, thank you Mr Kubrick, and we’ll be in touch.
Stanley: Thank you.
(He gets up to go.)
Harry: What’s the name of the hotel you’ll be staying at?
Stanley: Oh. It’s the Overlook. You can reach me there.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,927Chief of Staff
98 pages in and STILL hitting it out of the park, as I believe our American cousins say 🤣
MONDAY- Nice easy first day making this film. Mr Director Man John told me I had to look left, and it only took a few tries before I got it. Then he told me to look right, and this time I got it almost immediately.
TUESDAY- Today was much harder. First I had to walk a bit. Then I had to say some lines. Then I had to walk and talk at the same time. It was a bit tricky but I managed to do it after only an hour or two. This acting is easy, I don’t see why everyone makes such a fuss about that Meryl Streep woman.
WEDNESDAY- Today I had a scene with Timothy Dalton. He was very nice to me. I also was introduced to Robert Davi, and I will have scenes with him soon. I am puzzled, though- they told me this was a James Bond film and I haven’t seen Roger Moore anywhere.
THURSDAY- Today was not a good day. I had a big fight with Mr Director Man John. He told me that I must come out of the make-up and hair styling rooms earlier, because 3.30pm was too late! I was very angry and told him that he wasn’t the boss of me. He said that yes, he was! We will see about that!
FRIDAY- I spoke with Mr Wilson today and told him that Mr Director Man John had said that he was the boss of me. Mr Wilson said that his papa had given me lots of money to make this film and until it was finished Mr Director Man John was going to be the boss of me. I was so unhappy to hear this that I have decided from now on not to act so good in this film thing.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,927Chief of Staff
Are you sure Friday’s entry wasn’t Monday 👀🤣🤣 excellent as usual 🍸
Very good, sir. I wonder if you'be gotten your hands on the transcript of more of EON's director meetings? I hear Tim Burton, Terrance Malick, Uwe Boll and Sergio Leone were up for consideration.
Thank you Sir Miles! Yes, that could also have been done- maybe one day I might come across the second week of that diary.
N24, at least two of those directors are in the pipeline. I seem to remember, though, that Bergman wasn't going to do MR but YOLT. The plans fell through, though, when he insisted on having his good friend Max Von Sydow play Blof....
2024. Eon HQ, hidden underneath a drugs lab near Isthmus. BB and MGW are sitting at their desk, laughing heartily at the huge piles of letters from Bond fans pleading for more regular and frequent films.
BB: Hey, Michael, take a look at this one!
MGW: (Taking the proffered letter.) Let me see…. Oh yes, this guy again! (Laughs.) You’d think he would have given up by now.
BB: Yes, he keeps suggesting potential directors.
MGW: As if we’d listen to what the fans actually want! (Both enjoy a good laugh at the cherished dreams of lifelong Bond fans being shattered.)
BB: Not after the last time- remember when we hired Tim Burton, just because some guy from Norway thought he’d be a good choice?
MGW: Oh, God, yes…..
(The picture goes all wavy as we enter a flashback to an unspecified year.MGW and BB looking, oh, let’s say about twenty years or so younger, are in their office, happily shredding unsolicited screenplays, when Lindy Hemming comes bursting in.
BB: Why, Lindy, what on Earth is the-
Lindy: That’s it! I’ve had enough!
MGW: Enough? I don’t understand.
Lindy: That Christina girl!
BB: Christina Ricci? But she seems so nice.
Lindy: Nice? Every day she’s in my costume department, throwing out every scrap of clothing that isn’t black!
MGW: Huh?
Lindy: She is insisting that I put her in a black dress with a black shawl, over black tights and black shoes plus a black hat and black gloves.
BB: Look, Lindy, the director we wanted insisted on having her in the movie.
Lindy: Tim Burton? He likes all that!
MGW: Well, you’ve got more than one leading lady to dress so why don't you just use all the colourful clothes on her?
Lindy: (Scoffing.) Helena Bonham Carter? She’s just as bad! Black arm-length gloves, black leather boots, you name it.
BB: We can see you have a problem here, Lindy. Please just leave it with us and we’ll see what we can do. Just try and stay calm.
Lindy: All right, but I can’t take much more of this.
(Lindy leaves. BB and MGW look helplessly at each other.)
BB: What are we going to do now?
MGW: That’s the third complaint about him this week.
BB: We already told him he could have the two ladies but there was no way he could have Johnny Depp play Bond.
MGW: And that Bond had to drive an Aston Martin, not a Batmobile.
BB: And that at least some of the scenes had to take place in daylight!
MGW: And that no, the villain couldn’t be a puppet!
(The image goes all fuzzy again as we dissolve back to the present day. The two producers- no, let’s say occasional producers- are still in their office.)
BB: No, we don’t want all that again.
MGW: Certainly not. (Picks up a letter and reads it.) Hey, Barbara, who is this Nolan guy they keep asking for?
And this one is again for Number24. He asked for Sergio Leone, and this is what came out.
1983. Eon HQ, inside a horsebox with a fake horse’s arse showing. Cubby Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson are interviewing for directors.
Cubby: (On intercom.) Right, ask the next applicant to come in, please.
(The door opens and a tall, slim man enters.)
MGW: Hello, Mr Eastwood, please-
(Clint has already sat down.)
MGW: … take a seat.
Cubby: Right, I see. Now, you’ve directed quite a few films but never as yet a spy fantasy. Why would that be?
Clint: A man’s gotta know his limitations.
MGW: It might be an interesting thing for you to try. Now, I see from your synopsis here that you have certain ideas. You would like James Bond to be driving a-
Clint: Gran Torino.
Cubby: I’m not so sure about that. Any other ideas for his car?
Clint: Pink Cadillac.
MGW: No, I believe we have to stick with an Aston Martin. Anyway, what’s your opinion of previous Bond movies?
Clint: Some were good, some were bad, some were ugly.
Cubby: Hey, wait one minute, we didn’t make that version of “Casino Royale”! Speaking of which, we know that a certain person called Kev… Kevi… (MGW gets Cubby a drink of water.) Thank you, Michael. One Kevin McClory will also be making a James Bond film at the same time as us. Would you have anything to say to him?
Clint: Get off of my Bond.
Cubby: And, finally, we come to the question of payment. How much money would you be looking for if we ask you to direct our next Bond movie?
Clint: A fistful of dollars.
MGW: And if it’s successful enough for us to ask you to do the one after that?
Client: A few dollars more.
Cubby: We’ll be in touch.
Clint: Go ahead. Make my day.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,927Chief of Staff
He's a ask a million dolar, baby. but would he get absolute power over the production? My guess is he would have to walk a tightrope between ..... okay, I'll stop.
1981. Greece, St Cyrils. Kristatos lies dead. Bibi Dahl, aided by Jacoba Brink, tends the wounded Columbo, hopefully Bibi’s new sponsor. James Bond holds the much sought-after ATAC and calmly watches a helicopter land from which emerge a triumphant-looking Colonel Gogol and an armed bodyguard.
Gogol holds out a hand, smiling, then watches in horror as Bond throws the ATAC over the side of the mountain.
Bond: (Wryly.) That’s détente, Comrade. You don’t have it- I don’t have it.
Gogol: What????
Bond: I said, that’s-
Gogol: (Incredulous.) I heard your words! Are you crazy, Bond?
Bond: Well, I-
Gogol: Détente? How could you even think such a thing? Your navy has many more of those gadgets.
Bond: Given their constant budget problems, I very much doubt that.
Gogol: They have the plans! They invented it! They could easily make another if they don’t have one in another ship.
Bond: Yes, but you see-
Gogol: Have you any idea how much of MY slim budget I have expended upon this now useless venture?
Bond: Of course not. How could I?
Gogol: Boats, motorbikes, a very expensive underwater diving suit, a waterfront warehouse, a miniature one-man submarine with claws, skis, cars….
Bond: Not to mention all the operatives that have been killed.
Gogol: Eh?
Bond: Many of your operatives have died on this mission.
Gogol: Oh yes, that as well. (Shrugs- he’s Russian.) Do you realise that you might have risked World Ward Three with that stupid move of yours?
Bond: I hardly think that’s likely.
Gogol: (Heading back to the helicopter.) You think not? Just wait till your superiors inform your Prime Minister!
Comments
😱😳🤣
Thanks, Sir Miles. It's become an unintended tradition to start a new page with someone pacing up and down, waiting for the phone to ring and today's will be along soon. I can hear the footsteps, but they belong to the least likely person....
2024. Eon HQ, disguised as a stealth boat in the South China Sea. BB is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone.
MGW: Oh sit down, Barbara.
BB: I can’t, I just can’t!
MGW: Look if the phone’s going to go then you pacing up and down won’t make it go any more quickly.
BB: Sit down? Can’t you see I can’t???
MGW: Look just have a seat and I’ll tell Purvis or Wade to make you a nice cup of coffee.
BB: Coffee? I don’t want coffee!
MGW: I really don’t think he’s going to phone, you know.
BB: He has to!
MGW: (Very patiently.) No he doesn’t. We paid him a lot of money for that last movie and then we said goodbye, just like- oh, stop crying, honey.
(He passes her a handkerchief into which she honks loudly.)
BB: B-but that can’t be all! That can’t be… can’t be the end!
MGW: Of course it is. We had a deal, everyone concerned did what they were supposed to, and that’s it over.
(Barbara starts crying again.)
BB: It’s not over! It can’t… can’t be over!
MGW: I’m afraid it is. We have to find a new Ja-
BB: No, no! He’s coming back! He’s going to phone and say he’s changed his mind, he’s going to come back to me… er, I mean, us.
MGW: But Barbara-
(The telephone rings. Barbara and Michael stare at each other for a moment before she leaps for it faster than a surfer down an iceberg.)
BB: Hello? …. Yes, it’s me …. Yes, I know ….. No, we’ve told you before …. Definitely not ….. Goodbye.
(She hangs up.)
MGW: Who was that?
BB: Only George Lazenby again.
MGW: Oh.
Brilliant twist on the format 🤣👏🏻🤣👏🏻🤣
Thank you! 😊
This is for @CoolHandBond, who likes "the scenes that must have happened but we don't get to see".
1974. A street in Bangkok. Sheriff JW Pepper and his good lady Maybelle are strolling casually together.
Maybelle: Ain’t this just the best, Jay Dubya?
JW: Humph. I dunno why you wanted to drag us here, Maybelle, halfway round the world. Ain’t as if we ain’t got places back home where we could relax.
Maybelle: Aw, don’t be like that, honey. You know the doctor said you needed to get away from it all and relax.
JW: I can relax back home. Hey, what’s this?
Maybelle: It’s just a showroom for automobiles, hon- looks like those AMC models we got back home.
JW: Yeah, that’s right, that’s right. Ya know, I think I’ll take myself a little look at those there automobiles.
Maybelle: Aw JW, you can see them there automobiles back in Louisiana. There ain’t no sensible reason for you to go looking at them in Bangkok!
JW: Look, sugar, if I wants to go looking at automobiles then I’m damn sure gonna go looking at automobiles!
Maybelle: But JW, even if you buy one you still gotta get it home.
JW: I letcha look at them little elephants, didn’t I? Now, you trot off back to our hotel an’ I’ll go have me a look see at these here automobiles.
Maybelle: (Figuring it’s easiest just to agree with him, being in the best position to know.) Yeah, sure, JW.
(Maybelle walks off, and JW marches into the showroom. A salesman promptly appears.)
Salesman: Good day, sir, how may I help you?
JW: Hey there, boy, I gotta mind to have a look at one of these here cars ya’re selling.
Salesman: Of course, sir, did you have any particular model in mind?
JW: I just wants ta look, ya know?
Salesman: Certainly, sir. May I ask, you’re not a local man, are you?
JW: I sure ain’t, boy! You are talking to Sheriff JW Pepper, Louisiana State Police.
Salesman: Which one?
JW: Huh?
Salesman: Well, either you’re a Sheriff or you’re in the State Police- you can’t be both.
JW: You tryin’ to tell me my job, boy?
Salesman: Oh good heavens, sir, I would never do that!
JW: Humph. Well, are you gonna show me this here auto, then, or are ya just gonna stand there?
Salesman: Most certainly, Sergeant Pepper, sir.
JW: That’s SHERIFF Pepper to you!!!!
Salesman: Of course, of course. Now, if you would care to get into the vehicle of your choice, I would be only too delighted to show you its features.
JW: All right.
(He makes to get in.)
Salesman: Ah, sir, Mr Sheriff, sir…
JW: Yeah? You gotta problem?
Salesman: That would be the passenger side. Most of our customers prefer to sit on the driver’s side.
JW: You don’t tell me where to sit, boy! If I wanna sit here I am sure gonna sit here!
Salesman: Er… yes, of course. If you would excuse me one moment, good sir, I shall be straight back to you.
(The salesman retreats to his office for a moment’s sanity. Unseen by JW a familiar figure enters the showroom and sits in the driver’s seat of the car.)
JW: How about a demonstration, boy?
Bond: Certainly, sir….
Thank you @Barbel that was, as usual, hilarious 😂
Nice one, Barbel!
On a similar theme:
Bond (pulled over by Bolivian cops on motorbikes; to Camille):
Well, what's the bet that Dominic Greene has friends in the police force? Stay here.
(to cops):
Buenas noches.
Bolivian Cop:
Show me your papers. Open the trunk.
Bond:
Now, why would you want me to do that?
Sheriff JW Pepper (emerging into the street from a late nite fast food joint, munching on a saltena):
You tell 'em, bwoy! These here jumped up pacos got no business snooping in that there trunk without probable cause!
Bond:
Oh no...!
Bolivian Cop (to Bond; looking nervously aside at Pepper):
Hurry up!
(Bond opens the trunk, surprised to discover a badly wounded Rene Mathis. The cop yells at Bond.)
Get him out!
Pepper (stepping in; to Bolivian Cop; saltena in one hand, wallet with multiple ID cards unfurling from the other hand):
Now you listen to me, trooper bwoy! I'm Sheriff J Dubya Pepper of the Louisiana State P'ice Department. By the powers invested in me by...
(The Bolivian cops fire on Mathis, having seen that he's still alive; Bond shoots them dead.)
Pepper (to Bond, aghast; dropping his saltena):
What ARE you, bwoy? Some kind of doomsday machine?
(peering at Mathis):
Why... that's that I-talian Frenchman... from Montenegro!
Mathis (to Bond; dying):
Please... stay with me... don't leave me alone... in this movie... with him!
(taking his last breath):
Is his name actually J Dubya Pepper?
Bond:
Not a very good one is it?
(Mathis dies. Bond picks up the corpse and walks over to a nearby skip.)
Pepper:
You're NOT thinking of...
Bond:
Ah sho' AM, bwoy!
(Bond throws Mathis's body into the skip, to the accompaniment of a penny whistle effect by David Arnold)
Pepper and Camille (in unison):
Is THAT how you treat your friends?
Thanks, everyone.
Shady, 😁😁😁 I liked that!
1999. Eon HQ, disguised as a car showroom in Bangkok. Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli are interviewing prospective directors. Michael Bay enters.
BB: Ah, come in, Mr Bay, do sit down.
Bay: Thank you.
(Sits down.)
MGW: Now, as you know we are looking for a director for our next James Bond film, “The World Is Not Enough”.
Bay: Yes, I know.
BB: And your name came up. Our story starts in Bilbao, Spain. We see James Bond heading for a meeting with a Swiss banker. He goes into a building-
Bay: And it blows up!
MGW: Sorry?
Bay: The building blows up! Debris everywhere! Bodies flying-
BB: No, no! Mr Bay, this is just the opening of the movie. It’s what we call the PTS, or Pre Title Sequence. Yes, things might blow up but not as soon as we see Bond.
Bay: Oh, right. I see.
MGW: Not too much later Bond goes back to MI6 HQ, where we see Miss Moneypenny and M and then-
Bay: M turns into a giant robot and-
BB: NO, Mr Bay, she does not. Look, maybe we’re approaching this all wrong. What are your thoughts on plot?
Bay: Things explode! Shrapnel flies all over the place! We’re deafened by the noise and blinded by the lights!
MGW: ….right…. And how would you be handling the characters?
Bay: (Shrugs.) Some live, some die, and some others….
BB: Yes, some others?
Bay: Some others turn into giant robots and take over the-
MGW: Okay, okay. Give us a moment here.
(MGW and BB whisper to each other before turning back to Bay.)
BB: Look, Mr Bay, all that you’ve been telling us is fine within limits. Yes, of course we will have things blowing up, big noises, and so on.
Bay: (Smiling happily.) That’s good.
MGW: But there’s more to a movie than that, you know.
(MGW pauses expectantly. Nothing happens.)
BB: We said, there’s more to a movie than that.
Bay: (Looking confused.) There is?
MGW: (Sighing heavily.) Thank you, Mr Bay. We’ll be in touch.
1979. Venice. M, James Bond, and the Minister are all walking beside a canal. The Minister is furious.
Minister: I’ve never been so humiliated in my life. Your man should be taken off the assignment. I’ll see you at the consulate.
(He stomps away. M turns to Bond.)
M: I’ll have to do what he says.
Bond: Before you do that, sir, have Q do an analysis of this. (He produces a glass vial.) I took it from the laboratory. Tell him to exercise extreme caution. It is lethal.
M: So there was a laboratory. (Bond nods. M looks at him thoughtfully.) Then I have just one question for you, 007.
Bond: But of course, sir.
(Bond waits while M takes a few deep breaths.)
M: WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU SHOW ME THIS BEFORE???
Bond: (Taken aback.) Before?
M: Before I dragged the Minister- my boss, remember, therefore your boss’s boss- halfway across Europe on an unrealistically short timetable only to put on a f***ing gas mask and embarrass himself and us too in front of Hugo Drax, a very rich and very important man in an unsuspicious office and not in some sort of science fiction laboratory like you said?
Bond: But sir-
(A man and a woman stop on the bridge behind them. If we could see more closely we might recognize them….)
M: All this while you had proof, actual concrete proof, in your possession which you chose not to share with me.
Bond: Ah, yes, but-
M: But? But what, 007?
(There is an awkward silence. Bond can’t think of anything to say.)
M: I will tell you but what. But what you are suspended forthwith. But what 006 will replace you on this assignment. But what he will link up with the CIA in a more productive manner than you have managed so far. Do I make myself clear?
(Bond looks at his shoes.)
Bond: Yes, sir.
M: Now get out of here and book yourself on the next flight back to London. Go home and wait for me to call. Understand?
Bond: Yes, sir.
M: What did you think was going to happen? I would let you go flying around the world again? South America this time, perhaps?
Bond: Er…..
M: Get out of my sight and start working out your repayments.
Bond: (Confused.) Repayments, sir?
M: Yes, repayments. One gondola with extras, one rare glass museum completely smashed, and the pension for life to your late gondolier Franco’s widow and children.
Bond: (Stunned.) Eh?
(M walks away then turns back for a moment.)
M: Oh, and that centrifuge trainer, as well.
(Bond just stands there as M strolls off.)
Christopher Wood might have written that 😃
I'm not sure if I should be pleased or not! 😁
Things that would happen in the real world 🤣
I'll see if I can find another one along those lines, then. But meanwhile....
1967. Eon HQ, on a circular space station which rotates to the sound of the “Blue Danube” waltz. Messrs Broccoli & Saltzman sit behind their desk.
Harry: You sure about this guy, Cubby?
Cubby: Well, Ken Adam vouches for him, they did a picture together.
Harry: What was that?
Cubby: Little thing called “Dr Strangelove”.
Harry: (Rubbing his chin.) Hmm, don’t know that one.
Cubby: (Rolling his eyes.) Let’s get him in.
Harry: Sure. (Presses a button on the intercom.) Show the next applicant in, please.
(The door opens and a spacesuited man floats in.)
Harry: Please, have a seat Mr Rubik.
Stanley: (Sitting down.) That’s Kubrick.
Harry: Oh, yes. Sorry.
Cubby: Welcome, Mr Kubrick. Perhaps you could begin by telling us why you are interested in this job.
Stanley: Well, I’ve had a look at the synopsis and I see that there are several sections of your next James Bond movie which take place in outer space, specifically the opening.
Harry: Yes, we do open in outer space.
Cubby: With one spacecraft swallowing up another.
Stanley: And this ties in very neatly with my own ideas for what I’d like to do with my next film project.
Harry: Please, tell us more, Mr Ru- er, Kubrick.
Stanley: You want to open the movie in outer space? Well, I therefore feel we have to update your gunbarrel like this-
Cubby: Very nice, but we’ll be sticking with our usual approach.
Stanley: And then you want spacecraft moving about?
Harry: Yes, that’s right.
Stanley: I can see them moving to the strains of the “Blue Danube”- it’ll be amazing!
Harry: Er, “Blue Danube”?
Stanley: It’s by Strauss.
Harry: Have you got his phone number?
Cubby: (Before Kubrick can reply.) It’s all right, we’re just going to continue using John Barry, he hasn’t let us down yet.
Stanley: Oh, all right.
Cubby: This will be the first film in which the audience gets to see our series villain, Blofeld. Have you any thoughts on how he might look?
Stanley: Oh, yes. He’ll be all in white except for a black bowler hat, and have make-up on one eye only.
Harry: And be carrying a cat?
Stanley: No, although we could have him battering a cat to death if you like.
(There’s a moment’s silence before either of the producers can reply to this.)
Cubby: Battering a cat?
Stanley: Yes.
Harry: To death?
Stanley: Oh, yes. While singing “Singing In The Rain”.
(Cubby and Harry glance at each other then both start to speak simultaneously.)
Harry: Well, I-
Cubby: Thank you-
(They each wave at the other, then Cubby starts.)
Cubby: Well, thank you Mr Kubrick, and we’ll be in touch.
Stanley: Thank you.
(He gets up to go.)
Harry: What’s the name of the hotel you’ll be staying at?
Stanley: Oh. It’s the Overlook. You can reach me there.
98 pages in and STILL hitting it out of the park, as I believe our American cousins say 🤣
Thank you, @Sir Miles. I now have no idea what tomorrow's will be.
1989. The diary of Talisa Soto.
MONDAY- Nice easy first day making this film. Mr Director Man John told me I had to look left, and it only took a few tries before I got it. Then he told me to look right, and this time I got it almost immediately.
TUESDAY- Today was much harder. First I had to walk a bit. Then I had to say some lines. Then I had to walk and talk at the same time. It was a bit tricky but I managed to do it after only an hour or two. This acting is easy, I don’t see why everyone makes such a fuss about that Meryl Streep woman.
WEDNESDAY- Today I had a scene with Timothy Dalton. He was very nice to me. I also was introduced to Robert Davi, and I will have scenes with him soon. I am puzzled, though- they told me this was a James Bond film and I haven’t seen Roger Moore anywhere.
THURSDAY- Today was not a good day. I had a big fight with Mr Director Man John. He told me that I must come out of the make-up and hair styling rooms earlier, because 3.30pm was too late! I was very angry and told him that he wasn’t the boss of me. He said that yes, he was! We will see about that!
FRIDAY- I spoke with Mr Wilson today and told him that Mr Director Man John had said that he was the boss of me. Mr Wilson said that his papa had given me lots of money to make this film and until it was finished Mr Director Man John was going to be the boss of me. I was so unhappy to hear this that I have decided from now on not to act so good in this film thing.
Are you sure Friday’s entry wasn’t Monday 👀🤣🤣 excellent as usual 🍸
Very good, sir. I wonder if you'be gotten your hands on the transcript of more of EON's director meetings? I hear Tim Burton, Terrance Malick, Uwe Boll and Sergio Leone were up for consideration.
And are the rumours that Ingmar Bergman was considered to direct MR?
I was right! I just googled it and I even found some concept art was made:
Of course James Bond has a serious brush with death:
Of couse there would be fun-loving Bond girls to provide some of the director's famous light touch:
This is from tense confrontational scene that was planned as the action finale of the movie:
Thank you Sir Miles! Yes, that could also have been done- maybe one day I might come across the second week of that diary.
N24, at least two of those directors are in the pipeline. I seem to remember, though, that Bergman wasn't going to do MR but YOLT. The plans fell through, though, when he insisted on having his good friend Max Von Sydow play Blof....
....oh, wait a minute....
A couple of days away from AJB and two, not just one, but two classics @Barbel 😂😂😂
Thanks @CoolHandBond, I hope you had a pleasant flight back home. I've still to get today's ready, but it'll be one suggested by @Number24 above.
2024. Eon HQ, hidden underneath a drugs lab near Isthmus. BB and MGW are sitting at their desk, laughing heartily at the huge piles of letters from Bond fans pleading for more regular and frequent films.
BB: Hey, Michael, take a look at this one!
MGW: (Taking the proffered letter.) Let me see…. Oh yes, this guy again! (Laughs.) You’d think he would have given up by now.
BB: Yes, he keeps suggesting potential directors.
MGW: As if we’d listen to what the fans actually want! (Both enjoy a good laugh at the cherished dreams of lifelong Bond fans being shattered.)
BB: Not after the last time- remember when we hired Tim Burton, just because some guy from Norway thought he’d be a good choice?
MGW: Oh, God, yes…..
(The picture goes all wavy as we enter a flashback to an unspecified year. MGW and BB looking, oh, let’s say about twenty years or so younger, are in their office, happily shredding unsolicited screenplays, when Lindy Hemming comes bursting in.
BB: Why, Lindy, what on Earth is the-
Lindy: That’s it! I’ve had enough!
MGW: Enough? I don’t understand.
Lindy: That Christina girl!
BB: Christina Ricci? But she seems so nice.
Lindy: Nice? Every day she’s in my costume department, throwing out every scrap of clothing that isn’t black!
MGW: Huh?
Lindy: She is insisting that I put her in a black dress with a black shawl, over black tights and black shoes plus a black hat and black gloves.
BB: Look, Lindy, the director we wanted insisted on having her in the movie.
Lindy: Tim Burton? He likes all that!
MGW: Well, you’ve got more than one leading lady to dress so why don't you just use all the colourful clothes on her?
Lindy: (Scoffing.) Helena Bonham Carter? She’s just as bad! Black arm-length gloves, black leather boots, you name it.
BB: We can see you have a problem here, Lindy. Please just leave it with us and we’ll see what we can do. Just try and stay calm.
Lindy: All right, but I can’t take much more of this.
(Lindy leaves. BB and MGW look helplessly at each other.)
BB: What are we going to do now?
MGW: That’s the third complaint about him this week.
BB: We already told him he could have the two ladies but there was no way he could have Johnny Depp play Bond.
MGW: And that Bond had to drive an Aston Martin, not a Batmobile.
BB: And that at least some of the scenes had to take place in daylight!
MGW: And that no, the villain couldn’t be a puppet!
(The image goes all fuzzy again as we dissolve back to the present day. The two producers- no, let’s say occasional producers- are still in their office.)
BB: No, we don’t want all that again.
MGW: Certainly not. (Picks up a letter and reads it.) Hey, Barbara, who is this Nolan guy they keep asking for?
BB: No idea.
(Both laugh again. And again. And again….)
And this one is again for Number24. He asked for Sergio Leone, and this is what came out.
1983. Eon HQ, inside a horsebox with a fake horse’s arse showing. Cubby Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson are interviewing for directors.
Cubby: (On intercom.) Right, ask the next applicant to come in, please.
(The door opens and a tall, slim man enters.)
MGW: Hello, Mr Eastwood, please-
(Clint has already sat down.)
MGW: … take a seat.
Cubby: Right, I see. Now, you’ve directed quite a few films but never as yet a spy fantasy. Why would that be?
Clint: A man’s gotta know his limitations.
MGW: It might be an interesting thing for you to try. Now, I see from your synopsis here that you have certain ideas. You would like James Bond to be driving a-
Clint: Gran Torino.
Cubby: I’m not so sure about that. Any other ideas for his car?
Clint: Pink Cadillac.
MGW: No, I believe we have to stick with an Aston Martin. Anyway, what’s your opinion of previous Bond movies?
Clint: Some were good, some were bad, some were ugly.
Cubby: Hey, wait one minute, we didn’t make that version of “Casino Royale”! Speaking of which, we know that a certain person called Kev… Kevi… (MGW gets Cubby a drink of water.) Thank you, Michael. One Kevin McClory will also be making a James Bond film at the same time as us. Would you have anything to say to him?
Clint: Get off of my Bond.
Cubby: And, finally, we come to the question of payment. How much money would you be looking for if we ask you to direct our next Bond movie?
Clint: A fistful of dollars.
MGW: And if it’s successful enough for us to ask you to do the one after that?
Client: A few dollars more.
Cubby: We’ll be in touch.
Clint: Go ahead. Make my day.
Excellent…but did they feel lucky? 🤗
No, they were **** out of luck. 🙁
He's a ask a million dolar, baby. but would he get absolute power over the production? My guess is he would have to walk a tightrope between ..... okay, I'll stop.
1981. Greece, St Cyrils. Kristatos lies dead. Bibi Dahl, aided by Jacoba Brink, tends the wounded Columbo, hopefully Bibi’s new sponsor. James Bond holds the much sought-after ATAC and calmly watches a helicopter land from which emerge a triumphant-looking Colonel Gogol and an armed bodyguard.
Gogol holds out a hand, smiling, then watches in horror as Bond throws the ATAC over the side of the mountain.
Bond: (Wryly.) That’s détente, Comrade. You don’t have it- I don’t have it.
Gogol: What????
Bond: I said, that’s-
Gogol: (Incredulous.) I heard your words! Are you crazy, Bond?
Bond: Well, I-
Gogol: Détente? How could you even think such a thing? Your navy has many more of those gadgets.
Bond: Given their constant budget problems, I very much doubt that.
Gogol: They have the plans! They invented it! They could easily make another if they don’t have one in another ship.
Bond: Yes, but you see-
Gogol: Have you any idea how much of MY slim budget I have expended upon this now useless venture?
Bond: Of course not. How could I?
Gogol: Boats, motorbikes, a very expensive underwater diving suit, a waterfront warehouse, a miniature one-man submarine with claws, skis, cars….
Bond: Not to mention all the operatives that have been killed.
Gogol: Eh?
Bond: Many of your operatives have died on this mission.
Gogol: Oh yes, that as well. (Shrugs- he’s Russian.) Do you realise that you might have risked World Ward Three with that stupid move of yours?
Bond: I hardly think that’s likely.
Gogol: (Heading back to the helicopter.) You think not? Just wait till your superiors inform your Prime Minister!