The AJB007 Christmas Special 2024
Barbel
ScotlandPosts: 38,068Chief of Staff
brought to you by Barbel, CoolHandBond, Harry Canyon, Number24
Scene 1
Eon HQ, underneath the Russian Embassy in Istanbul. Harry Saltzman & Albert R. Broccoli await their next applicant, or in this case applicants, to make a James Bond movie.
Harry: This is a bit unusual, Cubby.
Cubby: I know, but they work as a team and that’s the way they want to approach us.
Harry: If it works for them, then why not?
Cubby: They have been very successful in their field.
Harry: Well, let’s hear what they have to say. (Presses button on intercom.) Send them in, please.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Yes, of course, Mr Saltzman.
(The door opens and two men walk in.)
Cubby: Sit down, please, gentlemen. (They do.) Now, which of you is … ?
Rogers: I’m Peter Rogers.
Thomas: And I’m Gerald Thomas.
Harry: And you are the team behind the long series of “Carry On” films, are you not?
Thomas: That’s right. I’m the director and Peter here is the producer.
Cubby: But we’re the producers.
Thomas: I thought maybe we could come to some arrangement like you had with Kevin Mc-
(Cubby turns white as a sheet. His eyes roil and he falls backwards in his chair. Harry presses an emergency buzzer and Dana and Michael come rushing in to tend to him, Barbara wandering in eventually.)
Thomas: What’s the matter? Is it something I said?
Harry: I’m afraid it is. (Cubby begins to come round.) You must never say that name in front of him.
Rogers: What name, Kevin Mc-
(Cubby splutters on the glass of water Dana is giving him. She glares angrily at the “Carry On” team while trying to see to her husband. MGW wipes Cubby with a handkerchief. Eventually he recovers and his family depart, Barbara at the tail end.)
Harry: Look, let’s just change the subject.
Cubby: (Just about back to normal.) Tell us what your thoughts would be for a James Bond movie.
Rogers: Well, we open with ….
The gun barrel opens up on a wintry lake in Switzerland. A large crowd is walking onto the ice-covered lake where there are dozens of stunning ice sculptures. Bond and a gorgeous blonde with braids walk together.
Bond: So, this is Lake Bouncealot then. What did you say your name was again?
Elsa: It’s Elsa. Elsa Bigguns.
Bond: But of course it is.
Elsa: I’m so pleased to meet you, Mr Bond.
Bond: It’s Sid. Sid James Bond. When did you come?
Elsa: Tonight, on the train.
Bond: Rough night?
Elsa: No, I always walk like this.
Bond: (Turns towards Elsa.) What a wonderful view this -
(He's interrupted by beeps from her smartphone.)
Bond: Would you like to get it now?
Elsa: I’d love to get it now, Sid … but I’d better answer the phone, it's an emergency weather report.
Bond: Oh, terrific.
Elsa: Remember, I'm young enough to date Leonardo DiCaprio, so I'm socially programmed to respond to my smartphone's call immediately.
Bond: Is it from Sony?
Elsa: No, Nokiars.
Bond: Good, I like Nokiars.
(Elsa whips out her smartphone and holds the incredibly large screen absolutely steady. An alarmed-looking blonde is standing in front of a digital map of Switzerland. She looks a lot like Elsa but doesn't have braids or even clothes other than a skimpy but well-filled blue bikini.)
Elsa: It's Betty Bonk, and today she's wearing blue!
Betty: This is Betty Bonk with an emergency weather report! There's a heat wave coming up from Italy. (Every sentence is accompanied by an exaggerated gesture that seems oddly titillating.) The warm push will move quickly down these two valleys (She gives a gesture leaving no doubt what she means.) and congregate in the area around Lake Bouncealot. It will get hot and moist incredibly quickly and authorities urge people to get away from places with snow and ice as soon as possible. (Bond tears his eyes away from the screen and scans the landscape covered in white and icy blue.) The front will part .....
(Bond closes the window on the smartphone.)
Bond: Wouldn’t it be all slushy now after six inches worth last night? The media nowadays will do anything to get clicks!
Elsa: Well, I wasn’t to know how many inches there would be last night, or how long it would last. No, Betty’s different. She's always up front and wouldn't hide anything from us.
Bond: I could see that, but for now we're going to enjoy ourselves on this scenic lake. I have the oddest feeling she won't turn up after this scene or even get mentioned, so let's enjoy ourselves.
(They stroll along admiring the ice art while sipping drinks.)
Elsa: Mmmm … I do love cocktails.
Bond: (Glancing at Elsa.) I could tell you a few of those. You know, I think I'll take my parka off too ...
(They walk past a strange-looking man with a chainsaw making some last-minute changes to his enormous sculpture of a very attractive female.)
Elsa: Look, isn’t that Christina Hendricks?
Bond: Quite a sight. Probably the largest there is.
Elsa: I’ve never seen such a big one!
Bond: Just you wait until tonight….
Elsa: You’re only after one thing!
Bond: Why, what’s wrong with the other one?
Elsa: We’ll discuss that later, but look who that ice sculpture there is- it’s Captain Kirk!
Bond: Where snowman has gone before?
Elsa: And isn’t that snowman there meant to be Spiderman?
Bond: With great powder comes great responsibility.
Elsa: I'm glad we decided to wear our high, waterproof boots that guy on YouTube recommended. The ...... Something .... Experience.
(They splash on to the sculptures further out on the lake.)
Elsa: Look! Those ice sculptures are also fountains, jetting water into the air. I wonder how they do it .....
Bond: Wait, that's not a fountain! It's ....
(People around them suddenly start yelling as the ice starts breaking up.)
Bond: Head for the chills! And never argue with a woman in a bikini....
(He presses a button on his boots and skates pop out. He picks up Elsa and skates at great speed towards land. Avalanches start roaring down several mountainsides.)
Elsa: We won't make it!
Bond: You're right! if only there was something really large we could hold on to!
Elsa: Pick something larger than a door! I've seen Titanic fifteen times, so I would know.
(Elsa’s clothes get caught on the wing of a nearby angel sculpture, and as she falls into Bond’s arms they somehow get ripped off.)
Bond: Coming in on a wing and a prayer?
Elsa: Oh! Sid!
(Bond jumps for the large Christina Hendricks sculpture which by now has melted quite a bit, leaving just a very large bust. Bond lands safely in her .... ahem .... arms and reaches out for Elsa.)
Bond: An icicle made for two.
Bond: Everything looks fine from here.
Elsa: Nice save. We should be safe here.
Bond: Famous last words .....
(The sculpture keeps melting bringing them closer and closer to the semi-cold water.)
Elsa: Oh look, an inflatable life raft! I wonder how that ended up on a Swiss lake in December?
Bond: I have learnt over more years than seem feasible to just go along and not question it when this happens.
(Elsa jumps onto the raft while Bond holds onto the sculpture, flipping off the skates. By the time he's finished the raft has drifted dangerously far away.)
Elsa: Let go, let go! You can't hold it back anymore. Let it go, let it … oooh ….
Bond: Here I come … oh blast!
(Bond jumps and lands next to Elsa on the raft.)
Elsa: Oh, James!
Bond: I'm so sorry, Elsa. This is so embarrassing .....
Elsa: Why?
(The raft floats towards land as rescue helicopters arrive at the scene and St Bernard dogs with small barrels hanging under their necks swim toward the people in the water. Elsa finds a life jacket in the boat and puts it on. Bond’s eyes goggle.)
Elsa: What do you think? Stylish?
Bond: This never happens to me this early! I can usually wait much longer.
Elsa: Never mind, Sid.
Bond: It’s a crazy little thing, cold love.
Comments
Scene 2
Rogers: ….and then we go into the titles.
Cubby: Speaking of which, what are you thinking of for a title?
Thomas: “Carry On Bonding”, obviously.
Harry: Hmmm…
Rogers: It can’t be “Carry On Spying”, we’ve already done that.
Cubby: Well, we normally have our title sequence with lots of discreet nudity, all very tasteful.
Thomas: Sorry, what did you say?
Cubby: I said “tasteful”.
(Rogers and Thomas look at each other and shrug.)
Rogers: No, sorry, you lost me at “tasteful”.
Thomas: You lost me at “discreet”.
Rogers: We’re okay with “nudity”, though.
Cubby: (Sighing heavily.) So, after the titles, what are your ideas?
Thomas: So far you’ve only seen Sid. We have a whole team of actors, you know.
Rogers: And we’d like to get them introduced quickly.
Harry: Seems reasonable. What happens next, then?
Thomas: We go to Bond’s HQ….
MI6. The office of Miss Honeybunny.
The door is slightly open, and two hands appear through it. They use a DD bra as a catapult to send a pair of panties fringed with black lace unerringly to a peg on the coatrack.
Miss Honeybunny: ‘Ere! I’ve told you before about that!
(The door swings open to reveal ... Sid James Bond.)
Bond: Hello, Honeybunny!
Honeybunny: James! I mean, Sid! What’s up?
Bond: Just you come here and I’ll show you what’s up!
Honeybunny: Saucy!
Bond: Is Emmm in?
Honeybunny: Yes, and he’s been looking for you.
(The intercom buzzes.)
Emmmm: Miss Honeybunny, is 00 Ohhh there?
Honeybunny: Yes, sir.
Emmm: Send him in, please.
Honeybunny: Yes, sir. Ouch!
(Bond looks innocently upwards.)
Emm: Bond, stop pinching Miss Honeybunny’s behind and get in here.
Bond: Yes, sir.
(He goes into M’s office.)
Emmm: Sit down, 00 Ohhh.
Bond: Yes, sir. (Sits.) Can we think of a better number for me? This “00 Ohhh” business is getting too much.
Emmm: It’s your own fault for pinching Miss Honeybunny’s behind when she was allocating the numbers. Now, there’s some things I want you to do.
Bond: Really, sir, here in your office?
Emmm: Stop messing about! Have you heard of a TV weather woman called Betty Bonk?
Bond: (Mutters to himself.) You got that one wrong, Sid. She does appear again.
Emmm: What? What did you say?
Bond: Nothing, sir. Please continue. Yes, I’ve heard of her.
Emmm: Hmm. Anyway, I am also sure you have heard of her current paramour.
Bond: Sorry?
Emmm: Her beau.
Bond: Say what?
Emmm: Her inamorato. Her beloved. Her significant other.
Bond: Oh, you mean her boyfriend. Why didn’t you just say so?
Emmm: Not everyone has the IQ of a goldfish, Bond. You have certainly heard of him, for he is … Dr Snow!
(The invisible orchestra blares a dramatic chord. Bond and Emmm look around, confused.)
Bond: Oh yes, I have heard of him. Holder of three Nobel Prizes. He would have held four but his hands weren’t big enough. International sportsman in all categories. Multi-billionaire able to buy out Bill Gates and Elon Musk with the flick of one of his fingers, even though they’re very small. Donald Trump claims to be one of his best friends, probably because of the hands thing. Well-known –
Emmm: Yes, thanks –
Bond: - gambler, who has broken the banks of several well-known casinos. Master of –
Emmm: Bond, that’s –
Bond: - all known forms of –
Emmm: Bond! Enough!
Bond: Ah, yes, sir, if you say so.
Emmm: We believe he is behind the recent bouts of unseasonal and inclement weather being experienced all over the globe.
Bond: I’ve experienced some of it myself, sir.
Emmm: And tonight he’s going to the Arses High club, not far from here, accompanied by Miss Bonk. I want you to be there, strictly only in an observing role. No stealing his girlfriend.
Bond: (All innocence.) Who, me, sir?
Emmm: Most certainly you! Now, get out of here and go see Coo to get properly equipped.
Bond: Properly equipped? I’ve never had any complaints so far!
Emmm: Get out of here!
(Bond heads out to Miss Honeybunny’s office. After a moment …)
Miss Honeybunny: Oh! Sid!
Emmm: Stop that at once and go see Coo!
---------------------------------
Coo Branch. Bond enters to find Coo working on his latest gadgets.
Bond: Morning, Coo.
Coo: Oh hello!
Coo: Did you like those instant skates I gave you?
Bond: But of course – real cutting-edge technology.
Coo: You’re on thin ice with cracks like that. Now look at this.
(He holds out a small object.)
Bond: A lighter?
Coo: Yes, it’s based on a gadget that your American counterpart Derek Flintlock uses, but this one has a built-in sensor to find something that’s not frozen in an iced-up area. I used it this morning on Mrs. Coo’s pussy.
Bond: She’s not fridge-id is she?
Coo: Don’t be silly, 00 Oooh. Her tabby cat was out all night in the cold, that’s all. Next, we have this.
(He opens a cupboard with a triumphant movement, as if expecting trumpets to blare “ta-ra”.)
Bond: Coo, that’s a parka.
Coo: Ah yes, but this has a parachute built into the hood in case you unexpectedly find yourself falling from a height. Something that seems to happen to you with some regularity, I believe. (Bond raises his eyebrows.) Just tug the cord on the hood and whoosh, out comes the parachute. We tested it with a blind man, it’s easy as anything.
Bond: Must have scared the #*@£ out of the dog. Good idea, Coo.
Coo: All my ideas are good, 00 Oooh, it’s just that you never seem to use them twice.
Bond: You only live once, Coo.
Coo: Now, this is a sensor that tells you if a nearby person is in an agitated emotional state, or just simply upset somehow.
Bond: Cleverly disguised as a belt buckle.
Coo: It can tell you when people are angry, scared, or perhaps, er, I believe “turned on” is the correct expression.
Bond: I can usually figure out those sort of things by myself, Coo.
Coo: You never know when you might need some help.
Bond: Was it necessary to have the buckle shaped as a flashing arrow pointing downwards?
Coo: I’m still working on that. Now next we have this pen. Just press here and –
(The pen shoots out a white sticky substance which attaches itself to the wall.)
Bond: That looks like one very excited pen.
Coo: Oh, stop that. This pen fires an unbreakable glue which you can use as a rope to swing from a building, or to tie up your opponents.
Bond: A bit like Spiderman’s web?
Coo: Yes, that’s where I got the idea!
Bond: Coo, you’re a marvel.
Coo: How about DC?
Bond: No, he’s dead. Bombed out.
To be continued ....
by Barbel, CoolHandBond, Harry Canyon, Number 24
Part 2
Back at Eon.
Harry: …and then we go to the gambling scene.
Rogers: Gambling scene?
Cubby: Of course, we have to have a gambling scene.
Rogers: Honeybunny could have a budgie that tweets her the winning numbers at roulette.
Harry: That’s ridiculous!
Cubby: How about a talking parrot, now that’s sensible!
Thomas: Baccarat?
Harry: Don’t be silly, nobody knows the rules for that.
Cubby: We’ll make it poker this time.
Rogers: Ah, right! “Poke her”! We can get a lot of jokes out of that!
Harry: No we won’t.
Thomas: You sure? I can just see Sid making some wisecrack to Bernie about how much he’d like to poke –
Cubby: You can maybe see that but we don’t. And who’s this Bernie, anyway?
Rogers: Have you seen our movies?
Harry: No, for some reason we seem to have managed to avoid them.
Thomas: Hmmm. Well, Bernie is Bernard Bresslaw. You can’t miss him, he’s a giant of a man.
Cubby: Would he make a good bodyguard or henchman?
Rogers: Absolutely.
Harry: Right, then. We can meet him in the gambling scene….
The Arses High Club. James Bond enters, for once not looking at all out of place in his customary evening wear. He strolls through the crowded tables. From one he hears two players talking.
Player One: Double Six.
Player Two: I’ll need a great deal of luck to get out of that.
(Bond looks to see what is being played, and is mildly surprised to find that it is a high-stakes game of dominoes.)
Bond: I once knew a girl called Domino. Or was it twice …?
(He hears the sounds of oohs and aahhs as people surround a table. Recognising Betty Bonk from the weather report earlier, he walks over, rather disappointed that she is in an evening dress and not a bikini. A distinguished-looking man is seated next to her, and a large bodyguard type stands behind them.)
Dr Snow: Is there anybody else who wants to take us on? We’ve beaten everyone else.
(Bond sits in the vacant seat opposite the pair.)
Bond: What’s the game?
Snow: Poker. Heads up. No limit.
(Bond throws a wad of money onto the table, telling the dealer to change it into chips.)
Betty: Ooh, that’s a lot!
Bond: My big stack is legendary.
Betty: I might tap it for good luck. I’m always disappointed if someone comes with a short stack.
Snow: Enough! I hope you lose with good grace, Mister…?
Bond: Bond…Sid James Bond.
Snow: …Bond. Strict rules of Poker. You have your load of chips. Winner takes all.
Betty: Don’t shoot your load too soon, Mr. Bond. It would be a shame to ruin the evening so quick.
Bond: One hand is all I need.
Betty: I think I’d need two hands to handle your big stack, Mr. Bond, or can I call you Sid? (Betty giggles.)
(The dealer shuffles, cuts, and deals two cards to each player face down. Bond has two queens. Snow has 10s and Jacks.)
Dealer: Your bet Mr. Bond.
Betty: (Whispering to Snow.) I’ve seen your one-eyed Jack many times. (Giggles again.)
Bond: Five thousand. (As he tosses chips into the centre.)
Snow: Call. (As he matches the bet.) A big pair? (Looking for a tell, and not getting one.)
Bond: Not quite as big as Betty’s.
Betty: Do you go all-in with a pair of ladies, Sid? (Giggling.)
Bond: Well, there was a time in a gipsy camp when…
Snow: Call! We’re playing poker, Mr. Bond, not This Is Your Life.
Dealer: Now for the flop. (He discards the top card face down, deals three cards face down and flips them over. Ace of Spades, Queen of Spades, Seven of Spades. This gives Bond a set of Queens and Snow a Flush.)
Betty: I do hate to see a flop.
Bond: Ten thousand.
Snow: Raise, twenty-five thousand.
(Bond looks at Snow, is he bluffing a flush? If he’s holding one Spade he has a two-to-one chance of drawing another with the next two cards.)
Bond: Call. I’m never scared to go for a piece of the action. (He looks at Betty for a reaction, he sees a saucy smile.)
(The dealer discards another card face down followed by the turn card face up - a Four of Clubs. Useless to both players. Bond recognises that he can’t be weak in this position and…)
Bond: Twenty-five Thousand.
Betty: I do love a man with a strong hand.
Snow: All in. That's another forty-five thousand, Mr. Bond. A hundred thousand in total. With another card to come.
Betty: I do love a man who shoves it all-in.
(Bond takes stock of the situation. He’s sure he is behind to a Flush. He needs a Queen for quads or an Ace, Seven or four for a full house. A lot of outs.)
Bond: Call.
(Snow prays for King of Spades to make a Royal Flush. The dealer discards one card face down and turns over the river card - it’s a four of Hearts!)
Snow: (Turning over his pocket cards.) Flush. (And reaches over to collect the chips.)
Bond: Not so fast. (He flips over his pocket cards.) A full house.
(The giant of a man Bond had noticed earlier steps out of the shadows behind Dr Snow.)
Snow: Mr. Bond. This is Gnasher. I think you will become good friends. Spend the money quickly, Mr. Bond.
Bond: You can keep the money, Dr Snow. I’ll settle for one drink with Betty.
Betty: (Excitedly.) Oohhh!
Snow: Most sportsmanlike of you, Mr Bond. Goodbye.
Bond: Oh, let’s say au revoir.
(Betty and Barney, er, Bond, head to the bar. Dr Snow turns and whispers to Gnasher.)
Snow: Follow him.
(Gnasher nods and follows as discreetly as a man of his size can.)
Bond: What would you like to drink, Betty?
Betty: It’s more a matter of where I’d like to drink it. Come on upstairs to my room here.
Bond: But of course.
(They go into the nearest elevator. Gnasher watches as the indicator eventually leads to floor 007 (you were expecting anything else?) then wearily begins to climb the stairs.
Meanwhile, in Betty’s room Bond starts to undress.)
Betty: My, what a big one you've got
Bond: (Takes gun from holster.) Yes, I'm told it has a delivery like a brick through a plate glass window.
Betty: I'm looking forward to your delivery.
(Bond begins to undo his belt buckle.)
Betty: Ooh, I like that arrow. Does it always point down?
(She begins to take off her bra. The arrow now points upwards and begins beeping loudly.)
Betty: That’s much better!
Bond: Let’s see if I can hit the bullseye.
(A discreet time later, Bond and Betty lie sated in each other’s arms in one of those magic bedsheets that keeps her covered to the neck but exposes his hairy chest. The radio is softly playing.)
Radio: Now here is the news. The Prime Minister says he has spent all he could-
(Bond casually turns it off.)
Bond: That makes two of us.
Betty: Oh Sid James Bond, I wish I could stay here with you and carry on eternally (Bond’s eyes blink.) but I have to go back to Dr Snow or he will have me killed.
Bond: Stay with me, Betty.
Betty: I can’t, he needs me to give out false weather reports and – oh no, I’ve said too much.
Bond: What is he up to?
Betty: You smooth talker, you’ve convinced me. He’s going to Legoland to –
(The door crashes open and Gnasher bursts into the room, like an elephant in a glass museum. Bond dives out of bed to tackle him but too late sees that the henchman’s target wasn’t him but Betty.)
Betty: Oh James….
(Betty dies as Gnasher makes his escape while Bond is still frantically trying to tug on his underpants, but his foot has got caught and he plummets to the floor.)
Bond: Ow!
Back at Eon….
Rogers: That’s great, we now have a part for big Bernie.
Thomas: Yes, he’ll be just great as this Gnasher character.
Harry: Glad you approve.
Rogers: One thing, though. We have to scale things up.
Cubby: Yes, I know what you mean. We have to involve all the important countries in the world.
Thomas: And Britain.
Harry: Yes, of course. Let’s go to the United Nations ….
General Assembly, New York. The Secretary General beats his gavel to silence all the representatives of all the world's important nations, and Britain.
Secretary General: Silence, silence everyone please! The representative of the United Kingdom has asked to speak on a very important issue.
Sir Archie Pound-Himen: Thank you. Representatives from a number of countries have complained about the lack of snow in recent years, leading to a decline in winter sports sales and, most importantly, Christmas seasonal sales. Unfortunately, the latest data supports these observations about snow. In fact, the warmest ten years on record since we started collecting these observations in the 19th century has been … let’s see ... (He checks his papers.) …. the last ten years.
(Archie pauses five seconds for effect while the facts set in. Few seem very interested. His wife looks on approvingly.)
Sir Archie Pound-Himen: Let’s give the representatives a moment to reflect on this information …
(The Secretary General pushes a button and two huge screens light up on the wall behind him. Both screens show the Earth, one screen showing the Northern hemisphere and the other the Southern as seen from the poles. The digital images show the snow cover pulling back. The SG silently thanks Pradeep (from Lairs Incorporated) who had called and given him a very good offer on computer graphics. Wait – the SG notices representatives from countries near the equator checking their Smartphones or nodding off. He presses another button in front of him. The unfocused representatives jump in their seats as if mildly electrocuted. Again he silently thanks Pradeep.)
Nigel Garage: I really think…
(The Secretary General pushes a button and a milkshake hits Garage in the face before his chair suddenly disappears underneath him, dragging him below. Fire and smoke is momentarily glimpsed through the hole in the floor before the trapdoor closes. There is scattered applause.)
Sir Archie Pound-Himen: Of course…this is just bad luck and happenstance but we can’t simply rely on better luck in the future. Everyone in Canada, Russia, New Zealand and other countries in the temperate zone will become hot. Some are getting very hot …. (The SG takes a brief moment to wink at every younger woman who looks like they come from a country near the poles.) Perhaps even more importantly, if this continues the billion-dollar winter sports and Christmas gift manufacturing businesses will collapse!
(All the representatives gasp in audible horror except the Russian delegate who smiles)
Sir Archie Pound-Himen: The facts are simple – snow leads to Christmas cheer, and Christmas cheer leads to more money being spent on gifts and other Christmas related goods.
(A graph pops up on the gigantic screens showing the correlation between snow and billions spent in November and December in a range of countries. Multiple gasps from those in attendance as the enormity of the situation hits them)
Sir Archie-Pound-Himen: Silence, silence please! Now, we’d asked for a representative from CERN to come and deliver a presentation on the physics behind these grave environmental issues. Unfortunately, Dr. Christmas Jones was unable to attend as she’d already presented on a similar topic back in July, and she only comes once a year.
(A groan is heard from the audience. Everyone looks to see who made it but nobody owns up.)
Sir Archie Pound-Himen: I have taken the liberty of inviting a distinguished guest via videolink who has a quick fix-it that will in no way come back and bite us in the buttocks - please give a big round of applause to Doctor Snow!
(A man is shown on both the enormous screens. The assembly shudders in a rare unanimous gesture.)
Sir Archie Pound-Himen: (Turns to the left screen, then the right in a bi-partisan motion.) Welcome to the UN, Doctor Snow!
(A previously unseen full symphony orchestra in the wings of the large room starts playing a grand piece of music. The brass section takes the lead. The music sounds majestic as well as not so vaguely threatening.)
Snow: Thank you. I feared I'd be met with a cold shoulder, but hopefully the music helped break the ice. Now … everybody chill out … I'm here to make a proposition to the world. I want to turn these mild winters of our discontent into glorious Christmases using my Snow Job machines. I have made machines that can not only make snow and ice, but can also lower the temperatures in whole countries or regions.
(Everyone applauds. Elton Mush takes notes.)
I have set up a demonstration of my winter machine in Central Park. Please wear warm underwear and bring parkas, mittens, a beanie, or clothes made of furry endangered animals. I'll serve eggnog!
To be continued....