2002. The luxurious abode of Dame Maggie Smith, magically disguised by the “Hideyhousus!” spell as an old, yellow van.
Maggie: (Searching through her massive walk-in wardrobe.) Oh dear, now which dress was it I was going to wear to the BAFTA Awards, and which to the Golden Globes? The midnight blue one or the deep mauve one first? It would never do to be seen collecting two different awards in the same dress!
(The door opens and her son Toby Stephens come in.)
Toby: Hello, mother.
Maggie: Toby! How nice to see you! (Kiss, kiss.) How are you? What brings you here to visit your mother for the first time in (Checks diary.) three weeks?
Toby: Nothing has to bring me to see you, mother, can’t I just drop in for a visit?
Maggie: I suppose so. How are things with you? Do you have more work to tell me about?
Toby: Yes, as a matter of fact I do- I’ve got a part in the next James Bond film.
Maggie: That’s lovely, dear…. Wait a minute, did you say James Bond film?
Toby: Yes, that’s right. I’m playing the villain, Gustav-
Maggie: James Bond film??
Toby: (Mystified.) Yes, mother. What’s the problem?
Maggie: (Voice dropping in temperature with every syllable.) With Judi Dench???
Toby: (Light dawning.) I suppose so, mother, but-
Maggie: You are going to be in a film with... (Can hardly get the words out.) Judi Dench?
Toby: (Firmly.) Yes, mother, I am.
Maggie: She’ll steal every scene you’re in!
Toby: Mother, I’m the villain- I don’t have any scenes with her.
Maggie: That won’t stop her! Believe me, I’ve had 60 years of experience!
Toby: She can’t be that bad, mother, they’ve given her an Oscar.
Maggie: That’s right- she has an Oscar. Pass me one of mine, will you, son?
Toby: And she’s really good in Shakespeare plays.
Maggie: She ought to be- she was there when he wrote them.
Toby: Mother, what she’s doing in the James Bond films is no different from what you’re doing in the Harry Potter ones.
Maggie: No different? She just has to sit behind a desk and give orders, while I have to turn into cats and put up with smelly old Filch! As well as watching out for Alan Rickman stealing all my scenes while she only has to worry about Pierce Brosnan.
Toby: I’m sure it will all turn out just fine, mother.
Maggie: Well, I suppose I can’t stop you. (Sniffs.) And I had hopes that you might be James Bond yourself some day.
Gymkata, nice angle to come up with. By this point, well over 100 Imaginary Conversations I think (I ain't counting them), it's finding different angles to pursue that's the hardest part. I enjoyed the Premieres very much, but there's no more of them left. Similarly with the Publishers Meetings. Perhaps more of the newspaper headlines...? Anyway, it's fun finding out what happens next- I really don't know, either!
Indeed. A while back (I'm not going through 39 pages to find it) I did a rip-of.... er, homage to Shakespeare- the porter scene from "Macbeth", to be exact- that flew under the radar.
After a dramatic car chase through downtown Bangkok during which several fruit stalls were overturned, a car was seen making its escape from local police by acquiring wings and flying through the air.
There are unconfirmed reports of a second flying car seen upside down over a ruined bridge not far away.
Helping the police with their enquiries is an English secret agent, from England. Witness to all these alleged events was an American tourist who said “Get your cotton-pickin' hands off me, boy! I tell ya…”
For those who don't know: British tabloid newspapers are a thing unto themselves, with little or no regard for facts or accuracy.
1983
BRITISH TABLOID (Take your pick)
Sean Connery to return to part of James Bond
Connery in 1968's "On Her Majesty's Secret Service"
Welsh film director Kevin MacClorry today announced that he will be presenting Sean Connery in his much-anticipated return to the role of James Bond, which he hasn’t played since 1975’s “Live And Let Live”.
MacClurry said he has the rights to do a remake of “Goldfinger”, which Connery starred in back in 1966. “We will begin shooting in Japan next month”, he said, “where the original was set.”
The film will come out in direct competetionn with the next official James Bond movie, from Alfred R. Brocolli’s Eon Publications, who have made all the previous seventeen James Bond films. This will once again star Roger Moore in his eighth film, and will be called…
Perhaps that's what Swedes do when they die? I've never seen a dead Swede since we haven't been at war with them for more than two hundred years, so I guess it's possible. Perhaps the welfare state keeps supporting them even when they die? I mean, they say the welfare state supports us from cradle to grave, and miss Anders wasn't burried yet was she? 🤔
Written by Barbel, Charmed & Dangerous, CoolHandBond, and (first time!) Caractacus Potts.
1966. A large meeting room in London. Chairs are set in a semi-circle about a desk, behind which M sits. A range of handsome men enter, one of whom requires a helping hand to his seat.
Helm: All right, all right, I can do this. (Sits down rather unsteadily and slurs to himself.) ...Little old wine drinker me...
M: Well, now that we’re all here, I would like to ask your attention. I have cleared the use of your services with all of your respective chiefs.
Palmer: Do I have to be here?
M: Yes, you do.
Palmer: My chief will require a W.O.O.C.(P) Form 4/367 in triplicate with-
M: I said I had cleared the use of your services,
Palmer. Now, a threat has been detected which will require our joint efforts.
Bond: But of courshe, shir.
Flint: Oh, no no no. Mr Cramden knows that I work alone.
Solo: Lucky you. I have a sidekick who keeps stealing the limelight - and the girls.
Drake: (Shakes head in disgust and sighs.) I can't wait till I retire.
M: Silence, all of you. I would ask you all to watch this message which has been received by the United Nations.
(M leans back in his chair and begins to fill his pipe with tobacco from a large receptacle, formerly the base of a naval shell. He pats the pockets of his coat for a match. Flint moves forward.)
Flint (revealing a small gold lighter): Allow me, M.
Palmer: Flashy.
Bond: Until they go wrong. Or exshplode.
(M harrumphs loudly and presses a red button on a small remote control at the edge of his desk. A painting on the wall slides up, to reveal a large video screen displaying a bald man holding a bald cat. A painting on the wall slides up, to reveal a large video screen displaying a bald man holding a bald cat.)
Man: (On screen.) Good evening, Mr Powers, er, I mean world powers. I have acquired a device which will release a virus onto the world and make everyone work from home and wear masks forevermore. It will destroy the world unless you pay my organization…. (Puts pinky in mouth.) One million dollars. (His eye-patched assistant whispers in his ear.) One thousand million dollars!
(Another bald headed man cradling a white cat elbows the first out of view.)
Number One: I shall be taking over from now on.
Man: (Offscreen.) Hey, now, just you- (There is a sound of electricity being discharged.) Argh!
Number One: I believe you have my position. One thousand million dollars, gentlemen, or….(The picture fades.)
M: So you see the problem which is facing us. We need to discover the lair so we are sending you out in groups. (Pauses) This is the big one, gentlemen. I will speak to each group separately. Firstly, 007, Helm and Flint meet me in my office in 20 minutes. Drake, you can come along for the briefing, but I'll need you to go with Palmer and Solo.
M’s Office.
M: Intelligence informs us of two strange new buildings which may be involved in this plot: one in New York and one in the desert - Arizona to be precise.
Helm: (Sings.) By the time I get to Phoenix...
M: This is no time for levity, Helm, in fact it’s no time to die.
Helm: Hey, chill out, pally. You only live twice.
(Bond rises quickly and goes to slam Helm against a wall.)
Bond: Have shome reshpect, Helm, or one of ush will end up on murderer’sh row.
M: That’ll be enough, 007. And Helm - you will address me as “sir”, not “pally”.
Flint: Cool it, man. We Americans are not so uptight about our bosses.
M: Sit down, all of you. You need to work together, the world is not enough to cope with your egos.
Helm: Are there any dames where we’re going? There must be dames, I insist.
Flint: Can’t disagree with that.
Bond: Well, if the collarsh and cuffsh match…
M: Bond, Flint, Helm: You’re booked on the next flight to Arizona. Solo, Drake and Palmer: you're going to New York. I believe that should answer your question. (Hepauses). You'll have to treat this mission with the utmost confidentiality. You may only use your code numbers when reporting in.
Bond: 007 reporting for duty, shir.
(Solo points to a triangular yellow badge with the number 11 on it).
Flint: I use a mathematical progression of 36 - 24 - 36. It's based on...
Helm: Pretty sure mine's a 69...
Drake: Code number? (He bangs his fist down on M's desk). I am not a...
All: We know!
Q Branch.
Q: You'll each need transport to reach your destination.
Bond: It'sh the DB5 for me, Q. Packed with the ushual refinementsh, I hope.
Flint: My flying saucer's parked outside, if anyone wants a, um, spin?
Helm: I think your boss took my car keys, Bond. (HeturnstoDrake). Can I hitch a lift with you, Drake?
Drake: MI7 gave me a Mini but I'll take my Lotus. It's in the underground car park.
(A loud bang sounds in the next room. Drake, lightning quick, raises his fists. 007 spins on his heel, Walther PPK already in hand. Flint pirouettes neatly into a Kung Fu stance. Helm falls over. A muffled voice shouts in a cockney accent: )
Palmer: (Next room.) You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!
Helm: You got room for three in that car, Drake?
Bond, Flint and Helm are outside the 'strange building' in Phoenix.
Bond: Thish sheems to be the villains'sh lair.
Flint: How can you tell?
Bond: Have you ever heard of a hollowed-out volcano in Phoenix before?
Flint: Good point. But how are we going to sneak in without them noticing?
Helm: Yeah, (Hic!) how?
Bond: I have an idea. Helm, you shtart shinging.
Helm: Sure, then what?
Bond: Then, onshe the guard'sh are ashleep-
Helm: Hoy!
Bond: -Flint and I will shneak in!
Flint: Fair dinkum!
Bond: You shound like the other feller.
Helm: (Some time later.) ...And for hours you’re just gentle on my mind...
Bond: (Whispers to Flint.) It sheems like hoursh lishening to thish, have you any earmuffsh?
Flint: It’s worked! The guards have fallen asleep!
(The three enter the base only to come across Solo, Drake and Palmer holding Number One prisoner.)
Palmer: You’re too late - we’ve already got everything tied up and I’ve filled in the report, form CDCP003.5,...in triplicate.
Bond: How the hell did you get here she quickly?
Solo: I have a, ah, rich Uncle who can fix anything. And besides, Ilya brought us some jetpacks.
Bond: Shidekicks, eh? I'll have to ashk Q to get me one of thoshe.
Palmer: And besides, there weren't any birds in the desert.
Flint: How did you get in?
Steed: (Appearing out of nowhere.) You have no idea how useful an umbrella can be, my boy.
(The seven men turn to the seated figure before them).
Drake: So this is Number One? How does it feel to be a prisoner?
Number One: Well, six of one...
(Solo sits, looking exhausted, talking into a pen.)
Bond: What’sh the matter, Sholo ? Too big for you to handle?
Solo: Open Channel D please… Mr Waverly? Everything is fine, sir. What's that? Oh yes, sir - our gadgets are better than everyone else’s.
Flint: (Showing his lighter.) Oh, no, I don’t think so...
Bond: (Showing his rebreather.) Oh, no, I don’t think sho...
Helm: (Sings) ...Don’t look so sad, I know it’s over...
Solo: Ahem, gentlemen if you'll permit me, I need to leave - I have a, ah, pressing engagement...
(The agents squabble as Number One slips away to threaten the world anew...)
Helm: Hey! (Sings.) Return to me...
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
A member from Minnesota, a Mr Jim Catta, has entered a plea of idiocy after not recognising the work of Mr A. J. Barbel, founder of this thread. Seeking clemency, he has pleaded “Shoot me”.
An English member has stated that Mr Catta is mistaken, and a Norwegian member has not noticed anything whatsoever going on.
Mr Barbel has accepted the plea, stating “We’re all idiots here” and that no shooting would be required unless it is on Bond 26, to which a chorus of “Fat chance” was heard.
A powered balloon dramatically exploded at the Millennium Dome yesterday. Early reports indicate that one person was killed and one injured, suffering a displaced shoulder. Several boxes of cigars were found in the wreckage.
The explosion occurred after reports of high speed boat activity along the River Thames, starting somewhere near Vauxhall Cross, where another explosion has been unreliably reported.
Telling of a smartly-dressed man hobbling away from the scene, witnesses said...
SUPERIOR IMAGINARY CONVERSATION SPOTTED IN LOW ORBIT
Amateur astronomers have continued to contact authorities over an imaginary conversation currently in orbit at post 1165 but remaining largely ignored.
'I mean, you can't miss it' stated Charmed & Dangerous, author of the worst puns in the conversation. 'It's not like you even need to look hard for it, it's right there.'
'It's been a good year now that this imaginary conversation has finally been released. There were times we thought it'd never get off the ground, so many 1960s spies kept muscling in on the action' said Barbel, author of the wittiest lines in the conversation. 'It's huge. It's this big, big ball of clever puns and such,' added CoolHandBond, who introduced the characters and penned the initial draft.
All four authors showed pictures of the conversation to assembled drinkers and it is indeed quite impressive.
'We posted that baby and there was not a single comment. I mean, they have to see it right?' said Caractacus Potts, author of the smartest observations in the conversation. 'They just say that nothing shows on radar and ignore it I guess. It's baffling.'
We contacted SiCo seeking additional clarification as to why a conversation this impressive remains largely invisible...
(continued on page 6)
----------------------
In other news:
Maybe not enough femme fatales for Norwegian audiences? (page 11)
Needs more green trainers! Our German correspondent notes (page 13)
No it doesn't, you idiot. A special report by Asp9mm (page 18)
Comments
Very good , Barbel 😁
Some more CD’s.
Up On The Roof - Blofeld (1981)
Rule The World - The Bond Villains Band
Don’t Go Breaking My Heart - James Bond & Vespa
Don’t Speak - Oddjob
The Sun Ain’t Gonna Shine Anymore - The Bond Henchmen Band
I Want To Hold Your Hand - Mr Wint & Mr Kidd
The Young Ones - Roger Moore’s Bond Girls Band
2002. The luxurious abode of Dame Maggie Smith, magically disguised by the “Hideyhousus!” spell as an old, yellow van.
Maggie: (Searching through her massive walk-in wardrobe.) Oh dear, now which dress was it I was going to wear to the BAFTA Awards, and which to the Golden Globes? The midnight blue one or the deep mauve one first? It would never do to be seen collecting two different awards in the same dress!
(The door opens and her son Toby Stephens come in.)
Toby: Hello, mother.
Maggie: Toby! How nice to see you! (Kiss, kiss.) How are you? What brings you here to visit your mother for the first time in (Checks diary.) three weeks?
Toby: Nothing has to bring me to see you, mother, can’t I just drop in for a visit?
Maggie: I suppose so. How are things with you? Do you have more work to tell me about?
Toby: Yes, as a matter of fact I do- I’ve got a part in the next James Bond film.
Maggie: That’s lovely, dear…. Wait a minute, did you say James Bond film?
Toby: Yes, that’s right. I’m playing the villain, Gustav-
Maggie: James Bond film??
Toby: (Mystified.) Yes, mother. What’s the problem?
Maggie: (Voice dropping in temperature with every syllable.) With Judi Dench???
Toby: (Light dawning.) I suppose so, mother, but-
Maggie: You are going to be in a film with... (Can hardly get the words out.) Judi Dench?
Toby: (Firmly.) Yes, mother, I am.
Maggie: She’ll steal every scene you’re in!
Toby: Mother, I’m the villain- I don’t have any scenes with her.
Maggie: That won’t stop her! Believe me, I’ve had 60 years of experience!
Toby: She can’t be that bad, mother, they’ve given her an Oscar.
Maggie: That’s right- she has an Oscar. Pass me one of mine, will you, son?
Toby: And she’s really good in Shakespeare plays.
Maggie: She ought to be- she was there when he wrote them.
Toby: Mother, what she’s doing in the James Bond films is no different from what you’re doing in the Harry Potter ones.
Maggie: No different? She just has to sit behind a desk and give orders, while I have to turn into cats and put up with smelly old Filch! As well as watching out for Alan Rickman stealing all my scenes while she only has to worry about Pierce Brosnan.
Toby: I’m sure it will all turn out just fine, mother.
Maggie: Well, I suppose I can’t stop you. (Sniffs.) And I had hopes that you might be James Bond yourself some day.
Toby: There’s still time, mother. Still time….
Barbel and CHD,these are inspired! 😂😂😂
Thanks, C&D.
Gymkata, nice angle to come up with. By this point, well over 100 Imaginary Conversations I think (I ain't counting them), it's finding different angles to pursue that's the hardest part. I enjoyed the Premieres very much, but there's no more of them left. Similarly with the Publishers Meetings. Perhaps more of the newspaper headlines...? Anyway, it's fun finding out what happens next- I really don't know, either!
more mashups between Bond and nonBond universes please!
Ok, I'll do you one-
1968. A hotel room, somewhere in Europe. James and Emma roll back on their respective pillows.
Emma: Oh James, that was wonderful.
James: We aim to pleashe. (Reaches for his cigarettes.) Would you like one?
Emma: No, thanks, I prefer my own. (She reaches into her discarded leather catsuit.)
James: It amazesh me how you can get thoshe into that shuit, with it being sho tight.
Emma: (Lighting cigarette.) Oh, there are many things about me that would amaze you.
James: I’m looking forward to learning more. (They kiss.)
Emma: Why not? We have all the time in the world.
James: Well, perhapsh not- I have to go to America tomorrow. (Looks at Rolex watch.) Well, later today, now.
Emma: America? You’re not meeting up with that Cathy Gale, are you?
James: No, of courshe not. (Pauses.) Not exactly…
Emma: There’s only one solution for all this. James, I want to get married. Right now. Today!
James: Married? (Begins to slip out of bed, reaching for his clothes.) Who shaid anything about getting married?
Emma: I did. Now.
James: Well, perhapsh we could talk about that another time. Ash I shaid, I have to leave immediately.
Emma: (Kisses him.) Immediately?
James: Almosht immediately….
Emma: As long as you remember what I said about getting married.
James: That can happen to another fellow….
excellent!
you know I like the idea all our rival 60s superspies live in one big shared SpyMania universe
I wonder is there a Secret Origin how Simon Templar ended up with the James Bond 007 codename?
Codename? CODENAME????
I refer you to Post Number 660!!!!
ah yes I see, and Monique Delacroix was looking right at the camera as she said it, so it must be true!
anyways you know what was the last "Bond" movie I watched, so that's warped my thinking, I forgot there were other versions where its not a CodeName.
Oh, just a few. Books as well.
😁 Much too gentle on Forster, Gymkata!
Nice references to "Amadeus" too 😂
I love it when a bit of culture sneaks into these!
Culture can happen to anyone, no matter how much one tries to avoid it.
Indeed. A while back (I'm not going through 39 pages to find it) I did a rip-of.... er, homage to Shakespeare- the porter scene from "Macbeth", to be exact- that flew under the radar.
Just because CHB mentioned he liked these:
1974
BANGKOK LADYMAIL
Flying car spotted in escape from police
After a dramatic car chase through downtown Bangkok during which several fruit stalls were overturned, a car was seen making its escape from local police by acquiring wings and flying through the air.
There are unconfirmed reports of a second flying car seen upside down over a ruined bridge not far away.
Helping the police with their enquiries is an English secret agent, from England. Witness to all these alleged events was an American tourist who said “Get your cotton-pickin' hands off me, boy! I tell ya…”
(Continued on Page 6)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In other news:
Car showroom window smashed, no tyres affected- Page 3
Free peanuts at boxing match- Page 4
US tourist seeks lost husband- Page 5
Fantastic, Barbel! These keep me chuckling for ages 😂
For those who don't know: British tabloid newspapers are a thing unto themselves, with little or no regard for facts or accuracy.
1983
BRITISH TABLOID (Take your pick)
Sean Connery to return to part of James Bond
Connery in 1968's "On Her Majesty's Secret Service"
Welsh film director Kevin MacClorry today announced that he will be presenting Sean Connery in his much-anticipated return to the role of James Bond, which he hasn’t played since 1975’s “Live And Let Live”.
MacClurry said he has the rights to do a remake of “Goldfinger”, which Connery starred in back in 1966. “We will begin shooting in Japan next month”, he said, “where the original was set.”
The film will come out in direct competetionn with the next official James Bond movie, from Alfred R. Brocolli’s Eon Publications, who have made all the previous seventeen James Bond films. This will once again star Roger Moore in his eighth film, and will be called…
(Continued on Page 6)
That's about right.... 😂😂😂
Gymkata, that's excellent! Especially 'slide whistle found by local bridge ' 😂😂😂
Perhaps that's what Swedes do when they die? I've never seen a dead Swede since we haven't been at war with them for more than two hundred years, so I guess it's possible. Perhaps the welfare state keeps supporting them even when they die? I mean, they say the welfare state supports us from cradle to grave, and miss Anders wasn't burried yet was she? 🤔
I'm not sure how I should take this. Sadly, I think.
Written by Barbel, Charmed & Dangerous, CoolHandBond, and (first time!) Caractacus Potts.
1966. A large meeting room in London. Chairs are set in a semi-circle about a desk, behind which M sits. A range of handsome men enter, one of whom requires a helping hand to his seat.
Helm: All right, all right, I can do this. (Sits down rather unsteadily and slurs to himself.) ...Little old wine drinker me...
M: Well, now that we’re all here, I would like to ask your attention. I have cleared the use of your services with all of your respective chiefs.
Palmer: Do I have to be here?
M: Yes, you do.
Palmer: My chief will require a W.O.O.C.(P) Form 4/367 in triplicate with-
M: I said I had cleared the use of your services,
Palmer. Now, a threat has been detected which will require our joint efforts.
Bond: But of courshe, shir.
Flint: Oh, no no no. Mr Cramden knows that I work alone.
Solo: Lucky you. I have a sidekick who keeps stealing the limelight - and the girls.
Helm: (Singing again.) ...Everybody loves somebody...
Drake: (Shakes head in disgust and sighs.) I can't wait till I retire.
M: Silence, all of you. I would ask you all to watch this message which has been received by the United Nations.
(M leans back in his chair and begins to fill his pipe with tobacco from a large receptacle, formerly the base of a naval shell. He pats the pockets of his coat for a match. Flint moves forward.)
Flint (revealing a small gold lighter): Allow me, M.
Palmer: Flashy.
Bond: Until they go wrong. Or exshplode.
(M harrumphs loudly and presses a red button on a small remote control at the edge of his desk. A painting on the wall slides up, to reveal a large video screen displaying a bald man holding a bald cat. A painting on the wall slides up, to reveal a large video screen displaying a bald man holding a bald cat.)
Man: (On screen.) Good evening, Mr Powers, er, I mean world powers. I have acquired a device which will release a virus onto the world and make everyone work from home and wear masks forevermore. It will destroy the world unless you pay my organization…. (Puts pinky in mouth.) One million dollars. (His eye-patched assistant whispers in his ear.) One thousand million dollars!
(Another bald headed man cradling a white cat elbows the first out of view.)
Number One: I shall be taking over from now on.
Man: (Offscreen.) Hey, now, just you- (There is a sound of electricity being discharged.) Argh!
Number One: I believe you have my position. One thousand million dollars, gentlemen, or….(The picture fades.)
M: So you see the problem which is facing us. We need to discover the lair so we are sending you out in groups. (Pauses) This is the big one, gentlemen. I will speak to each group separately. Firstly, 007, Helm and Flint meet me in my office in 20 minutes. Drake, you can come along for the briefing, but I'll need you to go with Palmer and Solo.
M’s Office.
M: Intelligence informs us of two strange new buildings which may be involved in this plot: one in New York and one in the desert - Arizona to be precise.
Helm: (Sings.) By the time I get to Phoenix...
M: This is no time for levity, Helm, in fact it’s no time to die.
Helm: Hey, chill out, pally. You only live twice.
(Bond rises quickly and goes to slam Helm against a wall.)
Bond: Have shome reshpect, Helm, or one of ush will end up on murderer’sh row.
M: That’ll be enough, 007. And Helm - you will address me as “sir”, not “pally”.
Flint: Cool it, man. We Americans are not so uptight about our bosses.
M: Sit down, all of you. You need to work together, the world is not enough to cope with your egos.
Helm: Are there any dames where we’re going? There must be dames, I insist.
Flint: Can’t disagree with that.
Bond: Well, if the collarsh and cuffsh match…
M: Bond, Flint, Helm: You’re booked on the next flight to Arizona. Solo, Drake and Palmer: you're going to New York. I believe that should answer your question. (He pauses). You'll have to treat this mission with the utmost confidentiality. You may only use your code numbers when reporting in.
Bond: 007 reporting for duty, shir.
(Solo points to a triangular yellow badge with the number 11 on it).
Flint: I use a mathematical progression of 36 - 24 - 36. It's based on...
Helm: Pretty sure mine's a 69...
Drake: Code number? (He bangs his fist down on M's desk). I am not a...
All: We know!
Q Branch.
Q: You'll each need transport to reach your destination.
Bond: It'sh the DB5 for me, Q. Packed with the ushual refinementsh, I hope.
Flint: My flying saucer's parked outside, if anyone wants a, um, spin?
Helm: I think your boss took my car keys, Bond. (He turns to Drake). Can I hitch a lift with you, Drake?
Drake: MI7 gave me a Mini but I'll take my Lotus. It's in the underground car park.
(A loud bang sounds in the next room. Drake, lightning quick, raises his fists. 007 spins on his heel, Walther PPK already in hand. Flint pirouettes neatly into a Kung Fu stance. Helm falls over. A muffled voice shouts in a cockney accent: )
Palmer: (Next room.) You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!
Helm: You got room for three in that car, Drake?
Bond, Flint and Helm are outside the 'strange building' in Phoenix.
Bond: Thish sheems to be the villains'sh lair.
Flint: How can you tell?
Bond: Have you ever heard of a hollowed-out volcano in Phoenix before?
Flint: Good point. But how are we going to sneak in without them noticing?
Helm: Yeah, (Hic!) how?
Bond: I have an idea. Helm, you shtart shinging.
Helm: Sure, then what?
Bond: Then, onshe the guard'sh are ashleep-
Helm: Hoy!
Bond: -Flint and I will shneak in!
Flint: Fair dinkum!
Bond: You shound like the other feller.
Helm: (Some time later.) ...And for hours you’re just gentle on my mind...
Bond: (Whispers to Flint.) It sheems like hoursh lishening to thish, have you any earmuffsh?
Flint: It’s worked! The guards have fallen asleep!
(The three enter the base only to come across Solo, Drake and Palmer holding Number One prisoner.)
Palmer: You’re too late - we’ve already got everything tied up and I’ve filled in the report, form CDCP003.5,...in triplicate.
Bond: How the hell did you get here she quickly?
Solo: I have a, ah, rich Uncle who can fix anything. And besides, Ilya brought us some jetpacks.
Bond: Shidekicks, eh? I'll have to ashk Q to get me one of thoshe.
Palmer: And besides, there weren't any birds in the desert.
Flint: How did you get in?
Steed: (Appearing out of nowhere.) You have no idea how useful an umbrella can be, my boy.
(The seven men turn to the seated figure before them).
Drake: So this is Number One? How does it feel to be a prisoner?
Number One: Well, six of one...
(Solo sits, looking exhausted, talking into a pen.)
Bond: What’sh the matter, Sholo ? Too big for you to handle?
Solo: Open Channel D please… Mr Waverly? Everything is fine, sir. What's that? Oh yes, sir - our gadgets are better than everyone else’s.
Flint: (Showing his lighter.) Oh, no, I don’t think so...
Bond: (Showing his rebreather.) Oh, no, I don’t think sho...
Helm: (Sings) ...Don’t look so sad, I know it’s over...
Solo: Ahem, gentlemen if you'll permit me, I need to leave - I have a, ah, pressing engagement...
(The agents squabble as Number One slips away to threaten the world anew...)
Helm: Hey! (Sings.) Return to me...
Gymkata, you're mistaken - Barbel is the author of these incredible fake articles, not me. 🍸
Fake!?!
Are these article fake, you say? But... but they are so convincing and realistic. How can this be?! 🤯
2021
IMAGINARY NEWS
Minnesotan enters plea of idiocy
A member from Minnesota, a Mr Jim Catta, has entered a plea of idiocy after not recognising the work of Mr A. J. Barbel, founder of this thread. Seeking clemency, he has pleaded “Shoot me”.
An English member has stated that Mr Catta is mistaken, and a Norwegian member has not noticed anything whatsoever going on.
Mr Barbel has accepted the plea, stating “We’re all idiots here” and that no shooting would be required unless it is on Bond 26, to which a chorus of “Fat chance” was heard.
A German member said…
(Continued on Page 6)
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In other news:
No reaction as yet to joint work in post 1165- Page 3
Unconfirmed reports of a sighting of Thunderpussy- Page 4
More fake news articles expected soon- Page 5
1999
LONDON HERALD
Balloon explodes at Millennium Dome
A powered balloon dramatically exploded at the Millennium Dome yesterday. Early reports indicate that one person was killed and one injured, suffering a displaced shoulder. Several boxes of cigars were found in the wreckage.
The explosion occurred after reports of high speed boat activity along the River Thames, starting somewhere near Vauxhall Cross, where another explosion has been unreliably reported.
Telling of a smartly-dressed man hobbling away from the scene, witnesses said...
(Continued on page 6)
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In other news:
Diners startled during meals- Page 3
Two traffic wardens soaked. Crowds cheer- Page 4
"This soon???"- Page 5
🤣🤣🤣🤣
May, 2021: a newsroom at the back of the SABG
SUPERIOR IMAGINARY CONVERSATION SPOTTED IN LOW ORBIT
Amateur astronomers have continued to contact authorities over an imaginary conversation currently in orbit at post 1165 but remaining largely ignored.
'I mean, you can't miss it' stated Charmed & Dangerous, author of the worst puns in the conversation. 'It's not like you even need to look hard for it, it's right there.'
'It's been a good year now that this imaginary conversation has finally been released. There were times we thought it'd never get off the ground, so many 1960s spies kept muscling in on the action' said Barbel, author of the wittiest lines in the conversation. 'It's huge. It's this big, big ball of clever puns and such,' added CoolHandBond, who introduced the characters and penned the initial draft.
All four authors showed pictures of the conversation to assembled drinkers and it is indeed quite impressive.
'We posted that baby and there was not a single comment. I mean, they have to see it right?' said Caractacus Potts, author of the smartest observations in the conversation. 'They just say that nothing shows on radar and ignore it I guess. It's baffling.'
We contacted SiCo seeking additional clarification as to why a conversation this impressive remains largely invisible...
(continued on page 6)
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In other news:
Maybe not enough femme fatales for Norwegian audiences? (page 11)
Needs more green trainers! Our German correspondent notes (page 13)
No it doesn't, you idiot. A special report by Asp9mm (page 18)