PTS- An exciting stunt sequence, in which we are introduced to the new James Bond. This may be vaguelyconnected to the main plot, or maybe not.
The main titles, preferably by Daniel Kleinmann. A currently popular singer or band performs the hopefully upbeat title song.
Bond reports to MI6. There is some witty dialogue with Moneypenny, then he is given his mission by M. Perhaps some well-known figure is suspected of smuggling a commodity (gold… diamonds… Faberge eggs… microchips…) and Bond must investigate after he goes to…
Q’s lab. Q gives Bond some seemingly irrelevant device that will become important later. The two have some banter.
Bond confronts the villain over some seemingly innocuous game- perhaps cards? During which (a) Bond insults the villain as far as is socially possible (b) The villain’s kept woman, Sacrificia, and Bond make desirous eyes at each other. Bond will, of course, win the game despite the villain's attempts to cheat.
After the game, the villain’s seemingly indestructible henchman makes an attempt on Bond’s life. We may have a car chase.
Bond goes back to his hotel room to find Sacrificia waiting there for him. We will discreetly fade out after she has given him some important information but before they go to bed.
Bond leaves, as Sacrificia tells him to “Be careful, James”. This is the last time we’ll see her alive.
That leak from Eon has such ridiculously far-fetched ideas that indeed it could only possibly be imaginary.
Obviously what happens next is that a young woman called Mathilde turns up accusing the new Bond of being an imposter of her late father and revealing that Sacrificia is really the step-daughter of Vesper Lynd (cue Vesper's theme) and one Yusef, the second cousin twice removed of... Bill Tanner, who has been secretly on the payroll of Goldfinger's brother since the Goldeneye affair. At this point Bond has a breakdown and disappears to the Far East for five years before deciding to come back and shoot the bad guy from the implausibly outrageous first half of the film and marry Sacrificia, who survives after all... at least until the PTS of the sequel...
:-)
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
I had unfortunately been spoiled on that plot point due to the way the screwy search function works on this board. I still won't be able to see the film for another couple days.
Some very mild spoilers lie below. Non-Brits may not understand all the references, I'm afraid.
2019, London. A show biz agent's office. Hugh Dennis enters...
Hugh: Hello there.
Agent: Hugh, my boy, have I got news for you!
Hugh: Er, no, I do the other one, “Mock the Week”.
Agent: But of course you do. Really, I do have news for you- you’ll be in the next James Bond movie!
(Hugh’s eyes glaze as he unconsciously adopts the Bond pose.)
Agent: No, no, Daniel Craig will be James Bond.
Hugh: Am I the villain then? I get to say those lovely lines like “see that some harm comes to him” or “Put him out of my misery” or-
Agent: No, you’re playing a scientist.
Hugh: Ah, I get it- I’m Q! I’m following in the footsteps of John Cleese! Oh I can see it now- I give Bond a watch that turns into a helicopter or perhaps a-
Agent: No, no, you’re not Q either.
Hugh: (Downtrodden.) Oh. Who am I then?
Agent: You’re a scientist working on some potion that will change the world.
Hugh: Ah, right! I get kidnapped by the bad guys and James Bond has to travel the world trying to find me and rescue me! I have a beautiful daughter who helps James and naturally they fall in-
Agent: No, not quite. In fact you only have three lines.
Hugh: (Very sad.) Tell them to make it four and I’m in.
Agent: Ok, I’ll do that right now.
Hugh: Do I get to make any jokes?
Agent: Well… sort of.
Hugh: All right then. As long as they don’t shoot me after I’ve said my lines.
Agent: Ah….
Hugh: Oh, I see. Well, okay- I’ll take a punt at it.
2019. An office somewhere in London. The owner sits at his desk, fingers making a nervous drumbeat upon it.
Secretary: Please, relax, sir!
Owner: I can’t, I just can’t.
Secretary: I’m sure they will call soon.
Owner: They’ve started shooting, and I haven’t heard a word- not a word!
Secretary: Well, they will, I’m sure they will.
Owner: But they haven’t! And I have the cat all ready for them to hire- they've been hiring white cats from me since 1963!
Secretary: But perhaps Blofeld isn’t in this film.
Owner: Oh no, he definitely is. I saw the cast list, Christoph Waltz is definitely mentioned and I don’t think he’ll be playing a barman or taxi driver- or Felix Leiter, either.
Secretary: But perhaps Blofeld doesn’t have a white cat this time.
Owner: (Snorts derisively.) Blofeld without a white cat? Don’t make me laugh! There’s never been a Bond film with Blofeld where he doesn’t have a white cat!
Secretary: Are you sure?
Owner: Of course I’m sure! They wouldn’t dream of making such big changes to the world of James Bond! The Bond fans would be talking about it for years to come- it’d be the most important thing in the movie!
Owner: Never! (Drains a whisky.) I’m just waiting on them phoning- they have to phone, they always phone, it’sss… (Tails off into incoherence.)
Secretary: Oh dear, this is terrible. What can I do if-
(The telephone rings. Instantly sober, the owner answers.)
Owner: Hello?…… Ah hello, Ms Broccoli, what a pleasant surprise…. Of course, just tell me what you’re after and I’ll… Hairless cats? …. Well, there’s not been much demand for them since Mike Myers stopped making movies…. Yes, of course I can get you one…. Two, I see…. By tomorrow, no problem at all. A pleasure doing business with you…. Bye.
Secretary: Was that Eon? Did they want their white cat?
Owner: (Puzzled.) No, they wanted two hairless ones. Very strange….
😂😂😂 I think I actually want to see a scene like that between Naomie Harris and Daniel Craig in the next Bond movie - especially if a soft instrumental of 'No Good About Goodbye' is playing in the background!
Of course, DC would be interviewed by the press in between filming:
Entertainment correspondent: "A slight case of 'never say never', wouldn't you say, Daniel?"
Daniel Craig: "I know, I know... I regret now that I said after the last one that I'd rather break my ankle again than do another one!"
Entertainment correspondent: "So tell me, Daniel... what exactly *did* it take to lure you back into the shoulder holster? Finance for two back-to-back movies of your choice? A record-breaking fee donated to a charitable Skyfall Trust?"
Daniel Craig: "Well, I think the script on this one is particularly good. I'm less of a pawn in the circumstances... I'm proud that we're doing something new in the franchise that actually means something..."
Entertainment correspondent: "...to anyone who remembers the finale of the ninth season of 'Dallas', you mean?"
Daniel Craig: "You betcha. The name's Barnes. Cliff Barnes. No, wait... Cliff's my brother-in-law... the brother-in-law from Texas, that is; not a brother from Langley... Does he look like he *needs* the oil fields? Me, I'm The Man From Atlantis, right? Or at least the man in the shower... And Judi Dench, she's back in it too... as Miss Emmy... My brother JR... he's still the author of all my pain, y'all! Hey, Pam... er... Eve, pass the soap!"
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
2021. Austin Powers and his boss, Basil Exposition, are at the movies seeing the new James Bond film.
Basil: Now remember, Austin, this takes place in a different timeline from the one you remember from the 1960s and onwards.
Austin: Wait a tick. Basil, if this takes place in a different timeline then why was Judi Dench M for Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig? Why do we have a portrait of Robert Brown as M? Why do we have tunes and songs from the 1960s movies? Why is Felix smoking Delectados? Why does Bond have the Aston Martin with all the gadgets which he’s supposed to have won in a card game plus another one hidden away? Oh no, I’ve gone cross-eyed.
Basil: I suggest you don’t worry about this sort of thing and just enjoy yourself. (Looks straight at the person reading this.) And that goes for you all, too.
Subsequent to the massive explosion on an unnamed island, as reported by this newspaper, a Caucasian man was found by one of our naval vessels in the ocean not far away, about .007 nautical miles to be exact.
He appeared to be dressed in the remains of military gear, and was clutching a child’s toy while murmuring “Dou dou” over and over. This has led medical staff to conclude that he has been stricken with amnesia which they hope will be susceptible to treatment, possibly in a nearby centre in Vladivostok.
“It is amazing that he has survived”, said the senior clinician, Dr Tanaka, “but then, as a famous author once said, “You only live…..
(Continued On Page 6)
-----------------------------------------------
In Other News:
Foreign warships retreat to their home ports- Page 3
UK denies all involvement. “Would I lie to you?” says PM B. Johnson- Page 4
Academy Award found among wreckage on island- Page 5
2021. A large truck en route to Kobe Docks, Japan.
Timmy: Where exactly are we headed, Charlie?
Charlie: An island north of here - somewhere between Japan and Russia, Timmy.
Timmy: That sounds mysterious. (He pauses). Have you got the blueprints?
Charlie: Aye, safely tucked away.
Timmy: I have to say, driving this HGV is easier than I expected, even with all this heavy equipment.
Charlie: We'll certainly have jobs waiting for us when we get back to the UK. (He pauses). I don't think we've ever installed anything quite like this, have we, Timmy?
Timmy: No, Charlie, can't say we have. It's all very mysterious, these trapdoors.
Charlie: The guy who hired us was quite specific. They're operated by some kind of infrared sensor and fired by explosives, much like an airbag in a car. One second missiles are raining down on you, the next minute the trapdoors operate in a hundredth of a second, hurtling whoever is standing on them down into a missile-proof bunker.
Timmy: Much like the demon king in a pantomime?
Charlie: Yes, except the opposite way - downwards. The lucky person is protected from the brunt of the explosions and survives to live another day.
Timmy: Lucky person? From SPECTRE?
Charlie: Yes, according to the guy who hired us - Pradeep.
Timmy: Can you imagine the look on someone's face if they weren't from SPECTRE and didn't know what was coming?
Charlie: Bloody terrified. Then thanking their lucky stars they'd been born, and stared death in the face.
Timmy: One thing is bothering me. Having survived, how would they get off the island?
Charlie: See that odd shape under the tarpaulin back there? It's a bathosub. All good lairs should have one.
Timmy: Yes, very convenient. (Hepauses, astheyarriveatthedocks). C'mon Charlie, we're due on board shortly - it's no time to drive.
Comments
😂😂😂😂 Love it!
Leaked from Eon....
20…?
PTS- An exciting stunt sequence, in which we are introduced to the new James Bond. This may be vaguely connected to the main plot, or maybe not.
The main titles, preferably by Daniel Kleinmann. A currently popular singer or band performs the hopefully upbeat title song.
Bond reports to MI6. There is some witty dialogue with Moneypenny, then he is given his mission by M. Perhaps some well-known figure is suspected of smuggling a commodity (gold… diamonds… Faberge eggs… microchips…) and Bond must investigate after he goes to…
Q’s lab. Q gives Bond some seemingly irrelevant device that will become important later. The two have some banter.
Bond confronts the villain over some seemingly innocuous game- perhaps cards? During which (a) Bond insults the villain as far as is socially possible (b) The villain’s kept woman, Sacrificia, and Bond make desirous eyes at each other. Bond will, of course, win the game despite the villain's attempts to cheat.
After the game, the villain’s seemingly indestructible henchman makes an attempt on Bond’s life. We may have a car chase.
Bond goes back to his hotel room to find Sacrificia waiting there for him. We will discreetly fade out after she has given him some important information but before they go to bed.
Bond leaves, as Sacrificia tells him to “Be careful, James”. This is the last time we’ll see her alive.
That's all we found. Wonder what happens next...?
That leak from Eon has such ridiculously far-fetched ideas that indeed it could only possibly be imaginary.
Obviously what happens next is that a young woman called Mathilde turns up accusing the new Bond of being an imposter of her late father and revealing that Sacrificia is really the step-daughter of Vesper Lynd (cue Vesper's theme) and one Yusef, the second cousin twice removed of... Bill Tanner, who has been secretly on the payroll of Goldfinger's brother since the Goldeneye affair. At this point Bond has a breakdown and disappears to the Far East for five years before deciding to come back and shoot the bad guy from the implausibly outrageous first half of the film and marry Sacrificia, who survives after all... at least until the PTS of the sequel...
:-)
I think Shady Tree's comment contains an actual spoiler.
It's okay, I've put a spoiler warning over it. 🙂
Cheers :-)
I had unfortunately been spoiled on that plot point due to the way the screwy search function works on this board. I still won't be able to see the film for another couple days.
Apologies @Westward_Drift
@Barbel has sent me a tutorial on using the Spoiler function, though it sounds as if you'd had the spoil earlier on. Enjoy the movie even so...
Some very mild spoilers lie below. Non-Brits may not understand all the references, I'm afraid.
2019, London. A show biz agent's office. Hugh Dennis enters...
Hugh: Hello there.
Agent: Hugh, my boy, have I got news for you!
Hugh: Er, no, I do the other one, “Mock the Week”.
Agent: But of course you do. Really, I do have news for you- you’ll be in the next James Bond movie!
(Hugh’s eyes glaze as he unconsciously adopts the Bond pose.)
Agent: No, no, Daniel Craig will be James Bond.
Hugh: Am I the villain then? I get to say those lovely lines like “see that some harm comes to him” or “Put him out of my misery” or-
Agent: No, you’re playing a scientist.
Hugh: Ah, I get it- I’m Q! I’m following in the footsteps of John Cleese! Oh I can see it now- I give Bond a watch that turns into a helicopter or perhaps a-
Agent: No, no, you’re not Q either.
Hugh: (Downtrodden.) Oh. Who am I then?
Agent: You’re a scientist working on some potion that will change the world.
Hugh: Ah, right! I get kidnapped by the bad guys and James Bond has to travel the world trying to find me and rescue me! I have a beautiful daughter who helps James and naturally they fall in-
Agent: No, not quite. In fact you only have three lines.
Hugh: (Very sad.) Tell them to make it four and I’m in.
Agent: Ok, I’ll do that right now.
Hugh: Do I get to make any jokes?
Agent: Well… sort of.
Hugh: All right then. As long as they don’t shoot me after I’ve said my lines.
Agent: Ah….
Hugh: Oh, I see. Well, okay- I’ll take a punt at it.
That last line's great 😄
Brilliant😄
😂😂😂 That last line... nearly killed me (again!) 😂😂
Much appreciated, everyone.
Nice one 🙂🙂🙂
Thank you, Shady.
2019. An office somewhere in London. The owner sits at his desk, fingers making a nervous drumbeat upon it.
Secretary: Please, relax, sir!
Owner: I can’t, I just can’t.
Secretary: I’m sure they will call soon.
Owner: They’ve started shooting, and I haven’t heard a word- not a word!
Secretary: Well, they will, I’m sure they will.
Owner: But they haven’t! And I have the cat all ready for them to hire- they've been hiring white cats from me since 1963!
Secretary: But perhaps Blofeld isn’t in this film.
Owner: Oh no, he definitely is. I saw the cast list, Christoph Waltz is definitely mentioned and I don’t think he’ll be playing a barman or taxi driver- or Felix Leiter, either.
Secretary: But perhaps Blofeld doesn’t have a white cat this time.
Owner: (Snorts derisively.) Blofeld without a white cat? Don’t make me laugh! There’s never been a Bond film with Blofeld where he doesn’t have a white cat!
Secretary: Are you sure?
Owner: Of course I’m sure! They wouldn’t dream of making such big changes to the world of James Bond! The Bond fans would be talking about it for years to come- it’d be the most important thing in the movie!
Secretary: Well, if you say so....
2019. Same office, 8 hours later.
Secretary: Er, don’t you think you’ve had enough?
Owner: Never! (Drains a whisky.) I’m just waiting on them phoning- they have to phone, they always phone, it’sss… (Tails off into incoherence.)
Secretary: Oh dear, this is terrible. What can I do if-
(The telephone rings. Instantly sober, the owner answers.)
Owner: Hello?…… Ah hello, Ms Broccoli, what a pleasant surprise…. Of course, just tell me what you’re after and I’ll… Hairless cats? …. Well, there’s not been much demand for them since Mike Myers stopped making movies…. Yes, of course I can get you one…. Two, I see…. By tomorrow, no problem at all. A pleasure doing business with you…. Bye.
Secretary: Was that Eon? Did they want their white cat?
Owner: (Puzzled.) No, they wanted two hairless ones. Very strange….
Owner (pondering for a moment): Hmmm... Mavis, go and fetch Fluffy and Bianca, and bring me the clippers.
Damn, I wish I'd thought of that.....
😂😂😂 I think I actually want to see a scene like that between Naomie Harris and Daniel Craig in the next Bond movie - especially if a soft instrumental of 'No Good About Goodbye' is playing in the background!
Of course, DC would be interviewed by the press in between filming:
Entertainment correspondent: "A slight case of 'never say never', wouldn't you say, Daniel?"
Daniel Craig: "I know, I know... I regret now that I said after the last one that I'd rather break my ankle again than do another one!"
Entertainment correspondent: "So tell me, Daniel... what exactly *did* it take to lure you back into the shoulder holster? Finance for two back-to-back movies of your choice? A record-breaking fee donated to a charitable Skyfall Trust?"
Daniel Craig: "Well, I think the script on this one is particularly good. I'm less of a pawn in the circumstances... I'm proud that we're doing something new in the franchise that actually means something..."
Entertainment correspondent: "...to anyone who remembers the finale of the ninth season of 'Dallas', you mean?"
Daniel Craig: "You betcha. The name's Barnes. Cliff Barnes. No, wait... Cliff's my brother-in-law... the brother-in-law from Texas, that is; not a brother from Langley... Does he look like he *needs* the oil fields? Me, I'm The Man From Atlantis, right? Or at least the man in the shower... And Judi Dench, she's back in it too... as Miss Emmy... My brother JR... he's still the author of all my pain, y'all! Hey, Pam... er... Eve, pass the soap!"
Are you sure everything after CR isn't actually a long and very cimplicated dream Villiers had? 🤣
Gymkata is too modest with the credit. It's mainly his work, I only assisted.
2021. Austin Powers and his boss, Basil Exposition, are at the movies seeing the new James Bond film.
Basil: Now remember, Austin, this takes place in a different timeline from the one you remember from the 1960s and onwards.
Austin: Wait a tick. Basil, if this takes place in a different timeline then why was Judi Dench M for Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig? Why do we have a portrait of Robert Brown as M? Why do we have tunes and songs from the 1960s movies? Why is Felix smoking Delectados? Why does Bond have the Aston Martin with all the gadgets which he’s supposed to have won in a card game plus another one hidden away? Oh no, I’ve gone cross-eyed.
Basil: I suggest you don’t worry about this sort of thing and just enjoy yourself. (Looks straight at the person reading this.) And that goes for you all, too.
Austin: Smashing, Basil!
All bad fan fiction from from some US State Department bloke, name of Logan Ash.
2021.
NORTH PACIFIC NEWS
Man found floating in ocean
Subsequent to the massive explosion on an unnamed island, as reported by this newspaper, a Caucasian man was found by one of our naval vessels in the ocean not far away, about .007 nautical miles to be exact.
He appeared to be dressed in the remains of military gear, and was clutching a child’s toy while murmuring “Dou dou” over and over. This has led medical staff to conclude that he has been stricken with amnesia which they hope will be susceptible to treatment, possibly in a nearby centre in Vladivostok.
“It is amazing that he has survived”, said the senior clinician, Dr Tanaka, “but then, as a famous author once said, “You only live…..
(Continued On Page 6)
-----------------------------------------------
In Other News:
Foreign warships retreat to their home ports- Page 3
UK denies all involvement. “Would I lie to you?” says PM B. Johnson- Page 4
Academy Award found among wreckage on island- Page 5
"After Basho" 🤣🤣🤣
Oh, definitely. Though, before then, "Who shot JR?" was a greater legend... a question entering the national consciousness even in blighty!
But of course.
Gents, these are all hilarious! 😂😂😂😂
2021. A large truck en route to Kobe Docks, Japan.
Timmy: Where exactly are we headed, Charlie?
Charlie: An island north of here - somewhere between Japan and Russia, Timmy.
Timmy: That sounds mysterious. (He pauses). Have you got the blueprints?
Charlie: Aye, safely tucked away.
Timmy: I have to say, driving this HGV is easier than I expected, even with all this heavy equipment.
Charlie: We'll certainly have jobs waiting for us when we get back to the UK. (He pauses). I don't think we've ever installed anything quite like this, have we, Timmy?
Timmy: No, Charlie, can't say we have. It's all very mysterious, these trapdoors.
Charlie: The guy who hired us was quite specific. They're operated by some kind of infrared sensor and fired by explosives, much like an airbag in a car. One second missiles are raining down on you, the next minute the trapdoors operate in a hundredth of a second, hurtling whoever is standing on them down into a missile-proof bunker.
Timmy: Much like the demon king in a pantomime?
Charlie: Yes, except the opposite way - downwards. The lucky person is protected from the brunt of the explosions and survives to live another day.
Timmy: Lucky person? From SPECTRE?
Charlie: Yes, according to the guy who hired us - Pradeep.
Timmy: Can you imagine the look on someone's face if they weren't from SPECTRE and didn't know what was coming?
Charlie: Bloody terrified. Then thanking their lucky stars they'd been born, and stared death in the face.
Timmy: One thing is bothering me. Having survived, how would they get off the island?
Charlie: See that odd shape under the tarpaulin back there? It's a bathosub. All good lairs should have one.
Timmy: Yes, very convenient. (He pauses, as they arrive at the docks). C'mon Charlie, we're due on board shortly - it's no time to drive.
You"be solved it! You just found the PTS of Bond26! Now the movie can be released in 2024, saving EON four years! 🥳