yes please @Gymkata any dialog we rough in for Safin would be improved rewritten as Freddy Mercury lyrics
we could do a lot in the scene where he and Bond debate his philosophy of power while he holds Mathilde and Doudou captive. Lines from March of the Black Queen, Death on Two Legs or Flick of the Wrist could all be appropriate here
also, can Pardeep make a cameo at the villains headquarters?
note I added a section at the end where the Annoying Little Alchemist remembers to grab the glass vessel full of Evil Nano-Fleas.
Also I added a few more Plague Doctors masks as worn by the Alchemists when they speak their first lines.
At the first appearance of the Plague Doctors masks, we should probably paste in the graphic, and include this wikipedia link, so the audience appreciates the reference
also, remembering to write characters wearing these masks shall get to be an nuisance, so they may come and go in various scenes as Dramatic need requires, But the minions tending the Cesspools at Safin's evil headquarters definitely should all be wearing them.
some vague ideas for the penultimate act, beginning with Bond intending to escape the Evil HeadQuarters through to his final death scene. Many details to be filled in later by fellow sribes. We can use @The Domino Effect 's DouDou soliloquy here, it can be Bond's big speech just as the missiles are landing
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Off shore facing the Evil Headquarters, a fleet of English Naval vessels begjn to assemble. [three-masted sailing ships, diverted from the Caribbean? Naval history experts can describe them better]
On each ship's deck are several large catapults which somehow do not get in the way of the sails and rigging. Sailors load the catapults with explosive ammunition [chemistry or weapons experts need to complete this detail: the catapults shall hurl round objects about the size of a Volkswagen, with lit fuses, somehow not just filled with gunpowder so they explode and do damage, but also chemicals (phosphorus? magnesium?) that will cause a bright white flash and blind the Audience for a full minute]
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(within the Evil Headquarters)
(Bond is casually jogging towards the drawbridge)
Bond: this is timed perfectly, now I needst only find a life-raft or escape capsule as usually appear at this point, and I shall escape the Villains Evil Headquarters split seconds before the big explosion!
(he is very pleased with his days work so begins to hum the Theme)
Bond: Dadoo dadoo, da doodoo, Dadoo doo, dahh DooDoo!
(slows jog)
Bond: Da Doodoo? Da doodoo, hmmm, I am reminded of something ... (snaps fingers) of course! DouDou! Mathilde's doll! she dropped it! I must go back and retrieve it from wherever it didst fall, or mine mission be not truly complete!
(Bond turns round, retraces steps though Evil Headquarters, passes the cesspools one more time, inadvertently taking a different route up the stairs. finally, through a doorway he sees the Poison Garden, with corpses piled up in front of deadly flowers, all the characters that have died in the Playe so far are there for Dramitick Effecte, including Leiter, Blofeld, the Annoying Little Alchemist, and Madeleine's mother. There in front of the corpses is a tiny little child's teddy bear (or rabbit or whatever DouDou was))
Bond: at last DouDou! (Bond reaches to grab DouDou, when suddenly! someone's feet land on his hand)
Bond: ouch!
Safin: hahahh! Bond James Bond, at last we meet again for the second time! [replace with Freddy Mercury lyrics if any can be found which suit]
[here follows a swashbuckling swordfight which others can write, lots of leaping backwards onto tables, somersaults, snuffing candles with the blade, swinging on chandeliers etc, accompanied by much speechifying, including Freddy Mercury lyrics as appropriate]
(suddenly Safin pierces Bond's breast five time [check film for correct number] with his blade)
Bond: (looks down to see blood on tunic) hey! thou canst not do that, for I am the hero of this play! (swings blade and decapitates Safin cleanly with one swooping stroke)
Bond: ha! you see, I win, as I always do in the final act of these adventures! er... (looks down at breast, blood is now spurting from all five wounds in the style of the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
Bond: Ulp! ya got me, bud (begins to stagger)
Bond: oh, I'm not gonna make it (staggers towards stage left)
Bond: I'm a goner! (staggers towards stage right)
Bond: Tell Madeleine and little Mathilde I loved them! (staggers back leftward and slips slightly in own blood which is really starting to make a mess of the floorboards)
[others may insert further hammy overacting death scene soliloquy dilaog here, perhaps consult Bugs Bunny cartoons for reference as he'd do this gag a lot]
(Bond suddenly notices again DouDou in front of the pile of corpses, and bends awkwardly to pick the doll up. Instead he picks ups Safin's skull, and regaining his posture holds it in the palm of his hand, face to "face" in the classic Hamlet pose)
Bond: what the hell? thats not the prop I meant to pick up for this next speech! (tosses Safin's skull over shoulder, and bends to pick up DouDou. Regaining his posture hold DouDou in the palm of his hand, face to face in the classic Hamlet pose)
[and here is where we insert @The Domino Effect 's DouDou or not DouDou soliloquy from above]
(Bond and DouDou move to the very front of centre stage, one lone spotlight, blood continuing to spurt)
Bond: ahem.
DouDou, or not DouDou, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler on the screen to suffer
The slings and arrows of a Type 45 Destroyer,
Or take up arms against Safin in the Sea of Japan
And by opposing, be ended. DouDou - to sleep.
(while reaching final lines of soliloquy, the missiles approach from above, Bond does not notice and continues his Big Soliloquy , then the missiles land violently as he is still Soliloquizing, one right behind his right shoulder, and the stage of the Globe Theatre goes blinding white, accompanied by a deafening Sounde Effecte for a full minute....)
...
(...as white glare fades, Audience starts to see stage once more, partially obscured by smoke, floorboards shattered, props in disarray, curtains in shreds, Bond still speechifying though we cant quite hear him yet while spurting yet more blood, and covered in soot like Wile E Coyote, and still holding DouDou, but now barely able to maintain the vertical, he falls then struggles to hold himself up with one hand, still clutching DouDou with the other)
Bond: is this the Light? have I passed through the tunnel of Light? Have I transcended yon mortal realm of tears, to ascend to the afterlife? is that St Peter I see before me?
(Bond crawls towards the remains of Safin's corpse, and grabs his hand which breaks off, Bond now holding a dismembered hand in one hand and DouDou in the other)
Bond: yecch! (tosses dismembered hand over shoulder)
[others may write Bond's final lines before he says "ulp!" goes crosseyed and falls for the final and conclusive time]
This is caractacus' scene from 2490, rewritten in play format (with a couple of ideas from me). I think this will be Act 2, Scene 1 when we put it all together.
(PS Caractacus, I loved the Norwegian Blue bit!)
(An alchemist’s chamber. Ye table ist littered with Alembics, Aludels, Crucibles, Mortar and Pessels, and other such typical Alchemical gear, and right in the middle of the clutter sits a plate full of nice breads and cheeses (and whatever else Elizabethans ate for lunch). Two alchemists approach giggling, and with tongs carefully place a giant mutant flea in the middle of the bread, then retreat.)
1st Alchemist: This shall teach him for being the most annoying of all alchemists.
2nd Alchemist: Indeed, with luck he shall exit the plot very early and we shall be the only alchemists with any lines for the remainder of the play.
(Behind them are shelves full of squealing rats in cages, and glass vessels crawling with fleas are piled on the tables before them. They both wear Plague Doctors' masks.)
1st Alchemist: Here he comes now!
(An annoying little alchemist enters, also wearing a Plague Doctor’s mask. He hears his fellow alchemists giggling, shoots them a glance, then lifts his Mask ensuring he is two metres from fellow Alchemists. He picks up his loaf of bread to eat, then pauses noticing the giant mutant flea crawling round, just inches from his open mouth.)
Annoying Little Alchemist: Oh, you guys!
(He opens a window to throw the entire plate of food into the street. Outside is a vast pyramid of rotting food, human waste and bits of human and animal corpses, with steam rising and vast swarms of flies buzzing over it, which the passersby must walk around or get their shoes dirty, as is typical in the streets of Elizabethan times. The Alchemist's lunch lands on top with a “splat!”, momentarily disturbing the flies. Our giant mutant flea then crawls off the bread into the pile of waste and immediately finds a rat to infect. Said rat in turn runs into the street to bite the ankle of the next passer-by.)
Passer-by: Ouch! Damnable vermin!
(He plunges a sword through the critter. We now see that he is dressed oddly, in a Plague Doctor's mask and is accompanied by a large group of men similarly attired and all waving swords about. Other passers-by have to step in the waste heap to avoid the swords.)
Men: To Evil! Yea, verily, to Evil!
!st Evildoer: Oh, could this be ye address we do seek? (He reads ye sign slowly, literacy being uncommon in those times.) “Ye… Olde… Al Capo…
2nd Evildoer: (Suddenly afraid.) Al Capone? Hey Al, Al, don’t hold it against me!
1st Evildoer: Nay, stop that! “Al Coho… Alkali… Alchemist’s Shoppe?” Aye, it says “Alchemist’s Shoppe”! This is it, fellow evildoers, let us now enter!
(They kick down ye door and enter with much noise, slaying indiscriminately- but for ye Most Annoying of all Alchemists who they allow to live, and indeed take away with them.Theylead ye Annoying Little Alchemist towards the right, but he pauses.)
Alchemist: Tarry! I almost forgot ye most important item!
1st Evildoer: What now? We have deadlines in this business.
(Ye Annoying Little Alchemist climbs on a stool to reach a rat-cage on ye top shelf. Ye rat must be a Norwegian Blue Rat, for he is kipping on his back. With tongs, ye Alchemist retrieves one particularly nasty looking flea from the dead rats fur and adds it to a glass vessel. This glass vessel is nearly full already with hopping crawling nasty looking fleas. Before he places ye glass vessel in his pocket, he holds it at such an angle that those audience members with opera glasses can read the text on ye label: Top Secret Evil Nano-Flea projeckt. Client: SPECTRE (Crossed out.) Mallory (Also crossed out.) and finally Safin.)
Annoying Little Alchemist: Now I am ready, let us depart.
do you like it? I think that reads great, but I know I'm a little more Stage Direction heavy than you guys. but all that detail makes me laff as I write it, especially trying to remember this all takes place on a wooden stage.
I still think you should hyperlink to the Wikipedia page for the first mention of the Plague Doctors masks, or the audience wont know. like so..
(Behind them are shelves full of squealing rats in cages, and glass vessels crawling with fleas are piled on the tables before them. They both wear Plague Doctors' masks.)
yup, spotted the Man with the Golden Gun quote. I was thinking "Elke Som..." could be another possible mispronunciation of Alchemist, since she was an actress in one of the better BondMania era knockoffs
All right, remind me when we get to the final version (ie when it goes to the other thread). Not there yet!
And yes, it reads well and has good jokes. Congrats!
Next, I hope to sort out the PTS, or Act 1 as we are going to call it. Don't worry if not all your ideas get used, we have a lot of versions covering the same ground. I'm pretty sure not all of mine will be used, so I'll convert those to an Imaginary Conversation.
Continuing straight from Madeleine going flying like Superman:
Act 1, Scene 2
(There is a curtain covering most of the Globe stage, acting as a painted backdrop. There is only a narrow bit of floorboard available in front of painted backdrop. Backdrop image depicts a frozen lake, with snow covered hills in the distance. At the edge of ye frozen lake is painted a house with its lights on, address Number 22 Frozen Lake Lane. Further in the distance is a second house, Number 24 Frozen Lake Lane. Lights are all off in that house, next door neighbour is sleeping right through the first Act!)
(Madeleine emerges stage left, none the worse for her unscheduled flight. She is struggling to drag a heavy object by its shoes. As she continues to struggle, gasping and pausing frequently to regain her grip, we now see ye object is a corpse, leaving a trail of blood on the floorboards. As Madeleine reaches centre stage, she drops ye corpses legs, catches breath, and turns to ye audience.)
Madeleine: Mama! Just killed a man! Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, Now he's dead. (Ye child’s voice rises in pitch and volume.) Mama, life had just begun, But now I've gone and thrown it all awaayyaayyy….
(As Madeleine hits ye high note and holds it on ye second syllable of "away", ye "corpse" stirs, struggling to lean on his right elbow while lying on his back, and raises his left arm to project the actor's impressive voice.)
Safin: So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye!!?? (Ye child stares dumbstruck.) So you think you can love me and leave me to die?!!? (Madeleine shakes her head.) Oh, baby!! Can't do this to me, baby!!!! Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here!!!!
(Madeleine turns to ye audience looking like McCauley Culkin in ye Home Alone poster, and emits an earsplitting never ending scream.)
(Ye forestage fades to black, leaving the child and corpse in silhouette, They exit stage discreetly as a painted backdrop curtain rises. Full lights come on revealing mainstage: a hotel room in Matera. Adult Madeleine is in bed at stage left, snoring loudly.)
(Sir James Bond sits centre stage, enjoying a beverage, holding a printed broadsheet headlined "Ye Adventures of Bulldog Drummonde" His eyes squint and lips move, as literacy was less common in Elizabethan times.
Suddenly Madeleine sits up in bed and screams, just as ye child did. Sir James jumps in his chair, drops broadsheet and beverage and spits out what he's been drinking, and after a second turns to Madeleine.)
Sir James: What the hell? I was pretending to read and you just...
Madeleine: I didst have a nightmare!
Sir James: A nightmare? A nightmare! Canst thee not have one more quietly? (Madeleine gives him such a look.) ...Er, that is, what I meanst to say dearest, was, er, was... what was this nightmare about? Pray, tell me!
(Madeleine opens mouth, then pauses, moving finger to lips, facing audience thinking.)
Madeleine: Nay I cannot tell, not even to thee!
Sir James: (Angered and suspicious, rising from chair.) Whatst’s all this? Thou dost have a secret! I knew it all along! (Turns to audience.) Didst I not tell thee all she hast a secret!!
Madeleine: Oh no I dost not!
Sir James: Oh yes thou dost!
Audience: Oh no she dost not!
Sir James: (To audience, shaking fist.) Oh yes she dost!
One lone voice from back row: You idiot! Canst thou not see she is with Childe?
Rest of Audience: Aye! That ist right! We've all figured it out!
(Madeleine nods to audience, while Sir James waves his hand dismissively and turns back from ye audience.)
... which leads us looking for the argument and Sir James abandoning Madeleine.
I suggest we ignore the Vespers grave scene, and go straight to the car chase. They can continue their argument in the car (remember it's a horse and carriage) while the bad guys chase them. Sir James uses his gadgets to dispose of them, and ends by leaving Madeleine at a waystation (no trains).
I usually ask C&D to write the action scenes, but in his absence could someone else do that please?
where is Charmed & Dangerous? CoolHandBond said elsewhere he hasn't even seen the new movie, so that's most of your regular writing team Missing in Action! we should mail the dvd to CoolHand just so he has no excuse.
gymkata's contributed a bit, Domino Effect contributed the soliloquy and seems to actually knows what Shakespeare really wrote, which could be useful. what about your "anonymous contributor"? I think I recognise those comedy stylings, and it is appropriate his bit should come first.
I suggest you rope in Napoleon. did you read his MAD magazine style parody of Quantum of Solace? he said he'd like to work on a similar parody of the new movie (or at least he'd help finance one), this could be the big show business break he's been looking for!
I have some ideas for the big Aston scene, but I'll have to write them later, I'm supposed to be working today, at this other job where they pay me. The tricky part, is how do you get a horse drawn chariot to do that 360 and make it look cool? but maybe the impractibility of the maneuver can be the joke. I have far more idea's for Safin's dialog, especially the scene where he has Madeleine and Mathilde held prisoner and he and bond argue over "legacy"
by the way Boss, I went back to reread your earlier scenes. do I understand correctly Bond and Madeleine do not break up in the beginning, but instead she is living with him in Jamaica, with two children born and a third on the way? because that actually a major plot change that affects a lot of the most interesting stuff that comes later. We better clarify that before writing any more scenes with Madeleine and Mathilde! for example, how many children does Safin hold prisoner at this evil headquarters? and when Bond and Madeleine meet at the prison, is it no big deal because they just saw each other that same morning getting out of bed and he knows she has this job and is fine with it?
and by the way, did guitars exist in Elizabethan times? if not, what handheld stringed instrument would an AstroPhyziciste with long curly hair use to perform a solo between stanzas in one of Safin's speeches? a lyre? a lute? a mandolin? an autoharp? whatever Brian Jones played on Lady Jane?
Billie Eilish: ...and its... (inaudible) ... Nay Time to (inaudible) ... something something Bad Guy ...
Audience member: speak up!
another Audience member: yeh no-one can hear you!
Audience as one: yeh ! thats right! (they grow restive)
a third Audience member: dost thou not know how to belt it out to the back row as didst Dame Bassey before thou?
(Audiencerises to their feet as a mob, and reach for their provisions brought from the market)
a fourth Audience member, facing backwards into the mob and gesticulating: why didst they not get Safin to sing this song? he hast an excellent singing voice!!! Mr Showmanship they callest him!!!
Audience (in unison): Thou suckest! Get off the stage!! boo! hiss! etc
(and poor Billie Eiliish is pelted with rotten tomatoes and other sundry fortnight-old vegetables, as the opening credits fade to reveal the start of the Second Acte)
well your version does set up the punch line where Bond never shows up at Vespers tomb. Thatd be a good bonus feature on the dvd
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while its fresh in my mind, and I'm on lunch break
(Safin is seated on a throne in his chamber, minions lined up behind him. On the wall is a vast stylised Q logo, adorned with two lions, a crab, some sort of bird and two faeries) [we'll get to this later, but in this context Q stands for Quantum, who I think initiated this Evil project?]
(in front, in chains are Madeleine and Mathilde)
Madeleine: Let us go!
Safin: Bismallah, no, I will not let you go! (waves black fingernail at Madeleine)
Mathilde: Wet uth go!
Safin: Bismallah, no, I will not let you go! (bends slightly and waves black fingernail at Mathilde)
Madeleine and Mathilde: Let us go!
Safin: I will not let you go! Never!
minion 1 (leans in from left): never!
minion 2 (leans in from right): never!
Safin: Never, ever, ever let you go!
Mathilde (looks to Madeleine): Mama mia!
Madeleine (looks to Mathilde):Mama mia!
Madeleine and Mathilde (both look to Safin): Mama mia!, let us go!
Brosnan pokes his head out from behind curtain, stage left: Oh, is this my cue?
All Players, in unison: No! No! No! No! Nooo!!!!
(a variety of stray objects are thrown in Brosnan's direction, including a least one glass vessel full of Evil Nano-Fleas. Brosnan beats a hasty retreat never to return in this Play)
Safin: er, whoops I lost my place! How embarrassing my darlings, now where was I?
oh yes, ahem: (raises hand full of black fingernails dramatically) for Beezelbub has a devil set aside for me!
minion 1 (leans in from left): and me!
minion 2 (leans in from right): and me!
Safin and all minions in unison (Safin rises from throne and waves both hands full of black fingernails high above his head as he projects the high note to the back row) : For meee!!!!
(enter from stage right an Starwatcher with long curly hair carrying a lute ( indeed a most beautiful red lute that was made at home by he and his father when he was a boy), who takes position one step behind Safin and to his left, our right. Minions discretely assemble ye olde effectes peddles before him. Safin dramatically lowers his arm and takes one step back, the Starwatcher steps forward to centre stage and plcks the first note of what shall surely be a killer lute solo when all of a sudden...)
[...and I think this would be a suitable dramatick moment for Bond to make his entrance]
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also, what is a funny pseudo-Elizabethan way to spell Astrophysicist? I cant quite get it right.
EDIT: almost forgot the all important Mama Mia joke
I thought youd like a Brian May cameo, Barbel! if we ever let him actually take a killer lute solo, you'll have to write what it is he's specifically doing, being the professional musician in the gang. Can the Brighton Rock solo for example be transcribed into words?
Now we're calling him a Starwatcher, the reference is getting pretty obscure, so we'll have to find a photo of him in typical Elizabethan garb, which actually sounds like something that should already exist
I especially like the Bicycle Race lyrics to illustrate their contrasting worldviews
can you have Safin at one point say "You're just an overgrown schoolboy, let me tan your hide!" , because I've always thought that sounded like something a villain would say to Bond
@Gymkata Truly funny and well done. I really enjoyed it.
However a couple minor points...
Safin would call Bond "Sir James."
Firearms did exist in Shakespeare but were single shot, so take that into account when taking out the henchmen and Safin. It's not Shakespeare without a swordfight or three.
@Gymkata and @Barbel I sketched out broad chunks of Bond's final scene in post 2499
basically why Bond turns back and his speechifying as he realises he's going to die. his motivation is to retrieve DouDou, which shall set up @The Domino Effect 's DouDou or not DouDou soliloquy
what I skipped over is the actual final battle between Bond and Safin, which is most of what you've written and I think the two could be merged.
also I left Bond's final lines to others, I just really wanted to do the missile strike mid-soliloquy and the Bugs Bunny style "oh ya got me bud, I'm a goner, I'm not gonna make it" stuff
Where our two versions contradict: I had it as a swordfight and you have it as gunshots. A swordfight seems more period appropriate (and would allow for some swashbuckling) but its not important, just the two fragments must agree which weapon is used. That should be easy
also, see post 2500 : its not a vial so much as a glass vessel containing Evil Nano-Fleas (the fleas carry a Variant of the Bubonic Plague). Thats an easy fix in your scene, and I had forgotten completely Bond is also infected with the virus in that scene so very good youve included that (how many ways do they need to doom Bond so that he must die? I now get why some say that death scene was overcomplicated)
other than slight rewrites and how to merge it with post 2499 , I think the Freddy Mercury dialog is excellent, all well chosen appropriate and funny quotes, even better in fact than your previous scene. Safin should definitely be getting in his best Freddy quotes of all in this scene!
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what other scenes does Safin speak in? the scene in the prison where he hands Apothecary Swann the Evil Nano-flea (I've got a quick joke in mind for that one but no real dialog or Freddy quotes). does he speak when he abducts Madeleine and Mathilde in Norway? any other scenes? (Malek was under-utilized in the real film!)
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we should sort out the mechanism of the Evil Nano-Fleas before we contradict each other too much! they carry a Variant of Bubonic Plague, but why are they special? could we say (as the film does) that they do not just spread the Plague to anybody but somehow target specific DNA? then somebody could say "but Alchemists Watson and Crick shalt not discover DNA for another three and a half centuries!" . Then that exposition must go in some scene (Mallory's office?)
that will at least make more sense than however EON explained it. We will need to see the effects of the Evil Nano-Fleas and their plague variant in the Cuba scene. One of us had better research actual plague symptoms (I think black hands and large pustules were some of the symptoms)
also, what was the history of the sponsorship of this Evil Projeckte? in the film it barely made sense. Does Quantum start it, SPECTRE takes over Quantum so theyre the next sponsor, Blofeld is imprisoned so Mallory thinks its a good idea to continue, then somehow Safin gains control? anyway, if Quantum did start it, that would be an excuse for the Q logo in Safin's throne room, and characters could even argue about the history of the changing sponsors, realising to themselves that it makes no sense before Safin tells everybody to "Shut Up, thats irrelevant to how the plotte shall play out in this final scene anyway".
The mechanism can be explained as you say by M or Q. We're not there yet- we have to do Felix dying first when James reports back with the Annoying Little Alchemist (let's keep calling him that, don't name him).
a reference to the prosthetic teeth Malek wore in Bohemian Rhapsody
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scene: outside the Gaol (a man in a Traditional Japanese Noh Mask walks towards the entrance)
Safin (humming) lalala, I go off to work on Monday morning, Tuesday I am off to honeymoon, lalala,
(pauses) ah! here's the GaoI I hast been looking for!
(Safin enters doorway. Moments later Apothecary Swann appears round a corner and also enters same doorway)
interior
a secretary: Oh there thou art, Apothecary Swann. Thou hast a Visitor awaiting thee in thine Offyce.
Swann (aside): A Visitor ? I wondrest whom that could be? I wast expecting no Visitors!
(Swann enters office to see the figure from her Childehoode Trauma, aka Act 1 Scenes 1 and 2. What she always remembered as a creepy snowman is actually a stranger in a Traditional Japanese Noh Mask)
Swann (shocked a moment but recovers): oh, tis thee! the Snowman from mine Childehoode Trauma!
Safin: mwummff mwummff mwumff mwumff
Swann: but why dost thou wear a Traditional Japanese Noh Mask at all? nobody in the Audience of the Globe Theatre even knowest the Isle of Japan exists, indeed I am surprised the Globe's Proppe Departmente shouldst have one!
Safin: mwummff mwummff mwumff mwumff
Swann: You know, I canst not understandeth a Word thou doth say! Pray removeth thine Traditional Japanese Noh Mask so that I might comprehedeth thine Speeche!
(Safin removes Traditional Japanese Noh Mask, revealing the face of a man of indeterminate age. He could be the age of Swann's later father, or only a few years older than Swann herself. It is hard to tell as his face is hideously scarred, and his face is further disfigured by a set of enormous, near perpendicular buck teeth)
Safin (spraying saliva in all directions as he speaks, like Sylvester the Cat): ash-thpllftt I wash-thpllftt thrying to sh-thpllfttt-ay, I thpllftt-ink thou sh-thpllftt-oudsh-pllftt take this glassshhh-thpllftt veshsh-thpllftt-el full of fleash-thpllftt insh-thpllftt-ide yonder prish-thpllftt-on sh-pllftt-ell and weweesh-pllftpllftpllft...
Swann (wiping saliva off her nose): I still canst not comprendeth a word thou speaks! It is those enormous near perpendicular buck teeth! Perhaps thou wantest not a Psychoanalyst, but preferest to visit the Orthodontist who has his offyce next door?
(Safin suddenly realises the problem, reaches to his mouth and removes a set of ridiculously oversized wooden dentures, looks at them, does a double take, and tosses them over his shoulder, wiping his hand on his tunic (note black fingernails))
Safin: Dammit! I had forgotten to remove yonder Proppe Dentures after completing my much lauded role in mine previous Playe last month! Funny nobody said anything til this moment! ... ahem. (licks teeth just to be sure) Now! Bwahahahahahh! As I was saying: I think thou should take this glass vessel full of Fleas inside yon prison cell and release...
Swann (aside): good thing he didst not try to say Ernst Stavro!
[subsititute actual Freddy Mercury lyrics as appropriate, but keep the Sylvester the Cat style speech impediment for his first line, maybe transcribe thpllftt better than I did]
yes @Barbel the further we get in to this the more I appreciate your challenge of merging the fragments together!
I know I think of these funny things while I'm out walking, or first wake up in the morning, and can see the whole scene in my mind and need to transcribe while I still remember, but am guilty of forgetting to check what everybody else has already written
Guys, the missile silo (and doors) have to go. Totally anachronistic. Westward Drift suggests going back to Fleming- the lair is Blofeld's Japanese castle.
Guys, the missile silo (and doors) have to go. Totally anachronistic. Westward Drift suggests going back to Fleming- the lair is Blofeld's Japanese castle.
agreed boss.
I had suggested this: period-appropriate British naval ships launch by catapult some sort of giant explosive cannon balls made from gun-powder, and phosphorous or magnesium or whatever would cause the blinding white flare. But somebody who knows chemistry better than me would have to fill that bit in. But itd be nice to somehow have the blinding white flare, as that has been much debated element of the actual film
Off shore facing the Evil Headquarters, a fleet of English Naval vessels begjn to assemble. [three-masted sailing ships, diverted from the Caribbean? Naval history experts can describe them better]
On each ship's deck are several large catapults which somehow do not get in the way of the sails and rigging. Sailors load the catapults with explosive ammunition [chemistry or weapons experts need to complete this detail: the catapults shall hurl round objects about the size of a Volkswagen, with lit fuses, somehow not just filled with gunpowder so they explode and do damage, but also chemicals (phosphorus? magnesium?) that will cause a bright white flash and blind the Audience for a full minute]
otherwise I am totally envisioning a mediaeval castle. Not only is it more period appropriate, it goes with the imagery of all those early Queen lyrics! maybe just make it more Japanese. The poison garden where they finally duel can be as Fleming describes, we can copy and paste some genuine Fleming quotes to set that scene. and thatd be an excuse for yet more copses piled up everywhere!
Did Mercury not sing one song in Japanese on A Day at the Races? I know on Jazz he says "we'll have breakfast at Tiffany's, I'll sing to you in Japanese, I'm only here to entertain you"
Comments
yes please @Gymkata any dialog we rough in for Safin would be improved rewritten as Freddy Mercury lyrics
we could do a lot in the scene where he and Bond debate his philosophy of power while he holds Mathilde and Doudou captive. Lines from March of the Black Queen, Death on Two Legs or Flick of the Wrist could all be appropriate here
also, can Pardeep make a cameo at the villains headquarters?
@Barbel said:
Later today I plan to rewrite your post 2490.
note I added a section at the end where the Annoying Little Alchemist remembers to grab the glass vessel full of Evil Nano-Fleas.
Also I added a few more Plague Doctors masks as worn by the Alchemists when they speak their first lines.
At the first appearance of the Plague Doctors masks, we should probably paste in the graphic, and include this wikipedia link, so the audience appreciates the reference
also, remembering to write characters wearing these masks shall get to be an nuisance, so they may come and go in various scenes as Dramatic need requires, But the minions tending the Cesspools at Safin's evil headquarters definitely should all be wearing them.
some vague ideas for the penultimate act, beginning with Bond intending to escape the Evil HeadQuarters through to his final death scene. Many details to be filled in later by fellow sribes. We can use @The Domino Effect 's DouDou soliloquy here, it can be Bond's big speech just as the missiles are landing
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Off shore facing the Evil Headquarters, a fleet of English Naval vessels begjn to assemble. [three-masted sailing ships, diverted from the Caribbean? Naval history experts can describe them better]
On each ship's deck are several large catapults which somehow do not get in the way of the sails and rigging. Sailors load the catapults with explosive ammunition [chemistry or weapons experts need to complete this detail: the catapults shall hurl round objects about the size of a Volkswagen, with lit fuses, somehow not just filled with gunpowder so they explode and do damage, but also chemicals (phosphorus? magnesium?) that will cause a bright white flash and blind the Audience for a full minute]
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(within the Evil Headquarters)
(Bond is casually jogging towards the drawbridge)
Bond: this is timed perfectly, now I needst only find a life-raft or escape capsule as usually appear at this point, and I shall escape the Villains Evil Headquarters split seconds before the big explosion!
(he is very pleased with his days work so begins to hum the Theme)
Bond: Dadoo dadoo, da doodoo, Dadoo doo, dahh DooDoo!
(slows jog)
Bond: Da Doodoo? Da doodoo, hmmm, I am reminded of something ... (snaps fingers) of course! DouDou! Mathilde's doll! she dropped it! I must go back and retrieve it from wherever it didst fall, or mine mission be not truly complete!
(Bond turns round, retraces steps though Evil Headquarters, passes the cesspools one more time, inadvertently taking a different route up the stairs. finally, through a doorway he sees the Poison Garden, with corpses piled up in front of deadly flowers, all the characters that have died in the Playe so far are there for Dramitick Effecte, including Leiter, Blofeld, the Annoying Little Alchemist, and Madeleine's mother. There in front of the corpses is a tiny little child's teddy bear (or rabbit or whatever DouDou was))
Bond: at last DouDou! (Bond reaches to grab DouDou, when suddenly! someone's feet land on his hand)
Bond: ouch!
Safin: hahahh! Bond James Bond, at last we meet again for the second time! [replace with Freddy Mercury lyrics if any can be found which suit]
[here follows a swashbuckling swordfight which others can write, lots of leaping backwards onto tables, somersaults, snuffing candles with the blade, swinging on chandeliers etc, accompanied by much speechifying, including Freddy Mercury lyrics as appropriate]
(suddenly Safin pierces Bond's breast five time [check film for correct number] with his blade)
Bond: (looks down to see blood on tunic) hey! thou canst not do that, for I am the hero of this play! (swings blade and decapitates Safin cleanly with one swooping stroke)
Bond: ha! you see, I win, as I always do in the final act of these adventures! er... (looks down at breast, blood is now spurting from all five wounds in the style of the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
Bond: Ulp! ya got me, bud (begins to stagger)
Bond: oh, I'm not gonna make it (staggers towards stage left)
Bond: I'm a goner! (staggers towards stage right)
Bond: Tell Madeleine and little Mathilde I loved them! (staggers back leftward and slips slightly in own blood which is really starting to make a mess of the floorboards)
[others may insert further hammy overacting death scene soliloquy dilaog here, perhaps consult Bugs Bunny cartoons for reference as he'd do this gag a lot]
(Bond suddenly notices again DouDou in front of the pile of corpses, and bends awkwardly to pick the doll up. Instead he picks ups Safin's skull, and regaining his posture holds it in the palm of his hand, face to "face" in the classic Hamlet pose)
Bond: what the hell? thats not the prop I meant to pick up for this next speech! (tosses Safin's skull over shoulder, and bends to pick up DouDou. Regaining his posture hold DouDou in the palm of his hand, face to face in the classic Hamlet pose)
[and here is where we insert @The Domino Effect 's DouDou or not DouDou soliloquy from above]
(Bond and DouDou move to the very front of centre stage, one lone spotlight, blood continuing to spurt)
Bond: ahem.
DouDou, or not DouDou, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler on the screen to suffer
The slings and arrows of a Type 45 Destroyer,
Or take up arms against Safin in the Sea of Japan
And by opposing, be ended. DouDou - to sleep.
(while reaching final lines of soliloquy, the missiles approach from above, Bond does not notice and continues his Big Soliloquy , then the missiles land violently as he is still Soliloquizing, one right behind his right shoulder, and the stage of the Globe Theatre goes blinding white, accompanied by a deafening Sounde Effecte for a full minute....)
...
(...as white glare fades, Audience starts to see stage once more, partially obscured by smoke, floorboards shattered, props in disarray, curtains in shreds, Bond still speechifying though we cant quite hear him yet while spurting yet more blood, and covered in soot like Wile E Coyote, and still holding DouDou, but now barely able to maintain the vertical, he falls then struggles to hold himself up with one hand, still clutching DouDou with the other)
Bond: is this the Light? have I passed through the tunnel of Light? Have I transcended yon mortal realm of tears, to ascend to the afterlife? is that St Peter I see before me?
(Bond crawls towards the remains of Safin's corpse, and grabs his hand which breaks off, Bond now holding a dismembered hand in one hand and DouDou in the other)
Bond: yecch! (tosses dismembered hand over shoulder)
[others may write Bond's final lines before he says "ulp!" goes crosseyed and falls for the final and conclusive time]
This is caractacus' scene from 2490, rewritten in play format (with a couple of ideas from me). I think this will be Act 2, Scene 1 when we put it all together.
(PS Caractacus, I loved the Norwegian Blue bit!)
(An alchemist’s chamber. Ye table ist littered with Alembics, Aludels, Crucibles, Mortar and Pessels, and other such typical Alchemical gear, and right in the middle of the clutter sits a plate full of nice breads and cheeses (and whatever else Elizabethans ate for lunch). Two alchemists approach giggling, and with tongs carefully place a giant mutant flea in the middle of the bread, then retreat.)
1st Alchemist: This shall teach him for being the most annoying of all alchemists.
2nd Alchemist: Indeed, with luck he shall exit the plot very early and we shall be the only alchemists with any lines for the remainder of the play.
(Behind them are shelves full of squealing rats in cages, and glass vessels crawling with fleas are piled on the tables before them. They both wear Plague Doctors' masks.)
1st Alchemist: Here he comes now!
(An annoying little alchemist enters, also wearing a Plague Doctor’s mask. He hears his fellow alchemists giggling, shoots them a glance, then lifts his Mask ensuring he is two metres from fellow Alchemists. He picks up his loaf of bread to eat, then pauses noticing the giant mutant flea crawling round, just inches from his open mouth.)
Annoying Little Alchemist: Oh, you guys!
(He opens a window to throw the entire plate of food into the street. Outside is a vast pyramid of rotting food, human waste and bits of human and animal corpses, with steam rising and vast swarms of flies buzzing over it, which the passersby must walk around or get their shoes dirty, as is typical in the streets of Elizabethan times. The Alchemist's lunch lands on top with a “splat!”, momentarily disturbing the flies. Our giant mutant flea then crawls off the bread into the pile of waste and immediately finds a rat to infect. Said rat in turn runs into the street to bite the ankle of the next passer-by.)
Passer-by: Ouch! Damnable vermin!
(He plunges a sword through the critter. We now see that he is dressed oddly, in a Plague Doctor's mask and is accompanied by a large group of men similarly attired and all waving swords about. Other passers-by have to step in the waste heap to avoid the swords.)
Men: To Evil! Yea, verily, to Evil!
!st Evildoer: Oh, could this be ye address we do seek? (He reads ye sign slowly, literacy being uncommon in those times.) “Ye… Olde… Al Capo…
2nd Evildoer: (Suddenly afraid.) Al Capone? Hey Al, Al, don’t hold it against me!
1st Evildoer: Nay, stop that! “Al Coho… Alkali… Alchemist’s Shoppe?” Aye, it says “Alchemist’s Shoppe”! This is it, fellow evildoers, let us now enter!
(They kick down ye door and enter with much noise, slaying indiscriminately- but for ye Most Annoying of all Alchemists who they allow to live, and indeed take away with them.They lead ye Annoying Little Alchemist towards the right, but he pauses.)
Alchemist: Tarry! I almost forgot ye most important item!
1st Evildoer: What now? We have deadlines in this business.
(Ye Annoying Little Alchemist climbs on a stool to reach a rat-cage on ye top shelf. Ye rat must be a Norwegian Blue Rat, for he is kipping on his back. With tongs, ye Alchemist retrieves one particularly nasty looking flea from the dead rats fur and adds it to a glass vessel. This glass vessel is nearly full already with hopping crawling nasty looking fleas. Before he places ye glass vessel in his pocket, he holds it at such an angle that those audience members with opera glasses can read the text on ye label: Top Secret Evil Nano-Flea projeckt. Client: SPECTRE (Crossed out.) Mallory (Also crossed out.) and finally Safin.)
Annoying Little Alchemist: Now I am ready, let us depart.
do you like it? I think that reads great, but I know I'm a little more Stage Direction heavy than you guys. but all that detail makes me laff as I write it, especially trying to remember this all takes place on a wooden stage.
I still think you should hyperlink to the Wikipedia page for the first mention of the Plague Doctors masks, or the audience wont know. like so..
(Behind them are shelves full of squealing rats in cages, and glass vessels crawling with fleas are piled on the tables before them. They both wear Plague Doctors' masks.)
yup, spotted the Man with the Golden Gun quote. I was thinking "Elke Som..." could be another possible mispronunciation of Alchemist, since she was an actress in one of the better BondMania era knockoffs
All right, remind me when we get to the final version (ie when it goes to the other thread). Not there yet!
And yes, it reads well and has good jokes. Congrats!
Next, I hope to sort out the PTS, or Act 1 as we are going to call it. Don't worry if not all your ideas get used, we have a lot of versions covering the same ground. I'm pretty sure not all of mine will be used, so I'll convert those to an Imaginary Conversation.
I'm not even looking at the end scenes yet!
Continuing straight from Madeleine going flying like Superman:
Act 1, Scene 2
(There is a curtain covering most of the Globe stage, acting as a painted backdrop. There is only a narrow bit of floorboard available in front of painted backdrop. Backdrop image depicts a frozen lake, with snow covered hills in the distance. At the edge of ye frozen lake is painted a house with its lights on, address Number 22 Frozen Lake Lane. Further in the distance is a second house, Number 24 Frozen Lake Lane. Lights are all off in that house, next door neighbour is sleeping right through the first Act!)
(Madeleine emerges stage left, none the worse for her unscheduled flight. She is struggling to drag a heavy object by its shoes. As she continues to struggle, gasping and pausing frequently to regain her grip, we now see ye object is a corpse, leaving a trail of blood on the floorboards. As Madeleine reaches centre stage, she drops ye corpses legs, catches breath, and turns to ye audience.)
Madeleine: Mama! Just killed a man! Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, Now he's dead. (Ye child’s voice rises in pitch and volume.) Mama, life had just begun, But now I've gone and thrown it all awaayyaayyy….
(As Madeleine hits ye high note and holds it on ye second syllable of "away", ye "corpse" stirs, struggling to lean on his right elbow while lying on his back, and raises his left arm to project the actor's impressive voice.)
Safin: So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye!!?? (Ye child stares dumbstruck.) So you think you can love me and leave me to die?!!? (Madeleine shakes her head.) Oh, baby!! Can't do this to me, baby!!!! Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here!!!!
(Madeleine turns to ye audience looking like McCauley Culkin in ye Home Alone poster, and emits an earsplitting never ending scream.)
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Act 1, Scene 3
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(Ye forestage fades to black, leaving the child and corpse in silhouette, They exit stage discreetly as a painted backdrop curtain rises. Full lights come on revealing mainstage: a hotel room in Matera. Adult Madeleine is in bed at stage left, snoring loudly.)
Madeleine: zzzzzz..... zzzzzz..... zzzzzzz..... zzzzzzz.....
(Sir James Bond sits centre stage, enjoying a beverage, holding a printed broadsheet headlined "Ye Adventures of Bulldog Drummonde" His eyes squint and lips move, as literacy was less common in Elizabethan times.
Suddenly Madeleine sits up in bed and screams, just as ye child did. Sir James jumps in his chair, drops broadsheet and beverage and spits out what he's been drinking, and after a second turns to Madeleine.)
Sir James: What the hell? I was pretending to read and you just...
Madeleine: I didst have a nightmare!
Sir James: A nightmare? A nightmare! Canst thee not have one more quietly? (Madeleine gives him such a look.) ...Er, that is, what I meanst to say dearest, was, er, was... what was this nightmare about? Pray, tell me!
(Madeleine opens mouth, then pauses, moving finger to lips, facing audience thinking.)
Madeleine: Nay I cannot tell, not even to thee!
Sir James: (Angered and suspicious, rising from chair.) Whatst’s all this? Thou dost have a secret! I knew it all along! (Turns to audience.) Didst I not tell thee all she hast a secret!!
Madeleine: Oh no I dost not!
Sir James: Oh yes thou dost!
Audience: Oh no she dost not!
Sir James: (To audience, shaking fist.) Oh yes she dost!
One lone voice from back row: You idiot! Canst thou not see she is with Childe?
Rest of Audience: Aye! That ist right! We've all figured it out!
(Madeleine nods to audience, while Sir James waves his hand dismissively and turns back from ye audience.)
Sir James: Bah, thou all art crazy!
... which leads us looking for the argument and Sir James abandoning Madeleine.
I suggest we ignore the Vespers grave scene, and go straight to the car chase. They can continue their argument in the car (remember it's a horse and carriage) while the bad guys chase them. Sir James uses his gadgets to dispose of them, and ends by leaving Madeleine at a waystation (no trains).
I usually ask C&D to write the action scenes, but in his absence could someone else do that please?
where is Charmed & Dangerous? CoolHandBond said elsewhere he hasn't even seen the new movie, so that's most of your regular writing team Missing in Action! we should mail the dvd to CoolHand just so he has no excuse.
gymkata's contributed a bit, Domino Effect contributed the soliloquy and seems to actually knows what Shakespeare really wrote, which could be useful. what about your "anonymous contributor"? I think I recognise those comedy stylings, and it is appropriate his bit should come first.
I suggest you rope in Napoleon. did you read his MAD magazine style parody of Quantum of Solace? he said he'd like to work on a similar parody of the new movie (or at least he'd help finance one), this could be the big show business break he's been looking for!
I have some ideas for the big Aston scene, but I'll have to write them later, I'm supposed to be working today, at this other job where they pay me. The tricky part, is how do you get a horse drawn chariot to do that 360 and make it look cool? but maybe the impractibility of the maneuver can be the joke. I have far more idea's for Safin's dialog, especially the scene where he has Madeleine and Mathilde held prisoner and he and bond argue over "legacy"
by the way Boss, I went back to reread your earlier scenes. do I understand correctly Bond and Madeleine do not break up in the beginning, but instead she is living with him in Jamaica, with two children born and a third on the way? because that actually a major plot change that affects a lot of the most interesting stuff that comes later. We better clarify that before writing any more scenes with Madeleine and Mathilde! for example, how many children does Safin hold prisoner at this evil headquarters? and when Bond and Madeleine meet at the prison, is it no big deal because they just saw each other that same morning getting out of bed and he knows she has this job and is fine with it?
and by the way, did guitars exist in Elizabethan times? if not, what handheld stringed instrument would an AstroPhyziciste with long curly hair use to perform a solo between stanzas in one of Safin's speeches? a lyre? a lute? a mandolin? an autoharp? whatever Brian Jones played on Lady Jane?
barbel said:
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Intermission. A young singer comes on and mumbles some words.
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lets have more Billie Eilish jokes!
Billie Eilish: ...and its... (inaudible) ... Nay Time to (inaudible) ... something something Bad Guy ...
Audience member: speak up!
another Audience member: yeh no-one can hear you!
Audience as one: yeh ! thats right! (they grow restive)
a third Audience member: dost thou not know how to belt it out to the back row as didst Dame Bassey before thou?
(Audience rises to their feet as a mob, and reach for their provisions brought from the market)
a fourth Audience member, facing backwards into the mob and gesticulating: why didst they not get Safin to sing this song? he hast an excellent singing voice!!! Mr Showmanship they callest him!!!
Audience (in unison): Thou suckest! Get off the stage!! boo! hiss! etc
(and poor Billie Eiliish is pelted with rotten tomatoes and other sundry fortnight-old vegetables, as the opening credits fade to reveal the start of the Second Acte)
More Billie jokes, fine!
Old style guitar, let's say a lute. As played by Keith Richards in his early years, before records.
If our anonymous friend wants to do more, I'd be delighted.
My earlier sketch is disposable- we don't have to use it, as said earlier it can easily be converted to an Imaginary Conversation.
It does mean a bit more writing to be done, as I said above.
well your version does set up the punch line where Bond never shows up at Vespers tomb. Thatd be a good bonus feature on the dvd
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while its fresh in my mind, and I'm on lunch break
(Safin is seated on a throne in his chamber, minions lined up behind him. On the wall is a vast stylised Q logo, adorned with two lions, a crab, some sort of bird and two faeries) [we'll get to this later, but in this context Q stands for Quantum, who I think initiated this Evil project?]
(in front, in chains are Madeleine and Mathilde)
Madeleine: Let us go!
Safin: Bismallah, no, I will not let you go! (waves black fingernail at Madeleine)
Mathilde: Wet uth go!
Safin: Bismallah, no, I will not let you go! (bends slightly and waves black fingernail at Mathilde)
Madeleine and Mathilde: Let us go!
Safin: I will not let you go! Never!
minion 1 (leans in from left): never!
minion 2 (leans in from right): never!
Safin: Never, ever, ever let you go!
Mathilde (looks to Madeleine): Mama mia!
Madeleine (looks to Mathilde): Mama mia!
Madeleine and Mathilde (both look to Safin): Mama mia!, let us go!
Brosnan pokes his head out from behind curtain, stage left: Oh, is this my cue?
All Players, in unison: No! No! No! No! Nooo!!!!
(a variety of stray objects are thrown in Brosnan's direction, including a least one glass vessel full of Evil Nano-Fleas. Brosnan beats a hasty retreat never to return in this Play)
Safin: er, whoops I lost my place! How embarrassing my darlings, now where was I?
oh yes, ahem: (raises hand full of black fingernails dramatically) for Beezelbub has a devil set aside for me!
minion 1 (leans in from left): and me!
minion 2 (leans in from right): and me!
Safin and all minions in unison (Safin rises from throne and waves both hands full of black fingernails high above his head as he projects the high note to the back row) : For meee!!!!
(enter from stage right an Starwatcher with long curly hair carrying a lute ( indeed a most beautiful red lute that was made at home by he and his father when he was a boy), who takes position one step behind Safin and to his left, our right. Minions discretely assemble ye olde effectes peddles before him. Safin dramatically lowers his arm and takes one step back, the Starwatcher steps forward to centre stage and plcks the first note of what shall surely be a killer lute solo when all of a sudden...)
[...and I think this would be a suitable dramatick moment for Bond to make his entrance]
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also, what is a funny pseudo-Elizabethan way to spell Astrophysicist? I cant quite get it right.
EDIT: almost forgot the all important Mama Mia joke
Oh, I'm sure you May come up with something...
Edit- call him a Starwatcher? And remember to mention that his beautiful red lute was made at home by he and his father when he was a boy.
I thought youd like a Brian May cameo, Barbel! if we ever let him actually take a killer lute solo, you'll have to write what it is he's specifically doing, being the professional musician in the gang. Can the Brighton Rock solo for example be transcribed into words?
Now we're calling him a Starwatcher, the reference is getting pretty obscure, so we'll have to find a photo of him in typical Elizabethan garb, which actually sounds like something that should already exist
😂😂😂
I especially like the Bicycle Race lyrics to illustrate their contrasting worldviews
can you have Safin at one point say "You're just an overgrown schoolboy, let me tan your hide!" , because I've always thought that sounded like something a villain would say to Bond
@Gymkata Truly funny and well done. I really enjoyed it.
However a couple minor points...
Safin would call Bond "Sir James."
Firearms did exist in Shakespeare but were single shot, so take that into account when taking out the henchmen and Safin. It's not Shakespeare without a swordfight or three.
The idea of a missile silo as Safin's base is just too anachronistic, so maybe go back to the castle from the novel YOLT.
Also, when we finally get to the end maybe have the incoming "missiles" be flaming projectiles from a catapult or trebuchet.
Loving this!
@Gymkata and @Barbel I sketched out broad chunks of Bond's final scene in post 2499
basically why Bond turns back and his speechifying as he realises he's going to die. his motivation is to retrieve DouDou, which shall set up @The Domino Effect 's DouDou or not DouDou soliloquy
what I skipped over is the actual final battle between Bond and Safin, which is most of what you've written and I think the two could be merged.
also I left Bond's final lines to others, I just really wanted to do the missile strike mid-soliloquy and the Bugs Bunny style "oh ya got me bud, I'm a goner, I'm not gonna make it" stuff
Where our two versions contradict: I had it as a swordfight and you have it as gunshots. A swordfight seems more period appropriate (and would allow for some swashbuckling) but its not important, just the two fragments must agree which weapon is used. That should be easy
also, see post 2500 : its not a vial so much as a glass vessel containing Evil Nano-Fleas (the fleas carry a Variant of the Bubonic Plague). Thats an easy fix in your scene, and I had forgotten completely Bond is also infected with the virus in that scene so very good youve included that (how many ways do they need to doom Bond so that he must die? I now get why some say that death scene was overcomplicated)
other than slight rewrites and how to merge it with post 2499 , I think the Freddy Mercury dialog is excellent, all well chosen appropriate and funny quotes, even better in fact than your previous scene. Safin should definitely be getting in his best Freddy quotes of all in this scene!
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what other scenes does Safin speak in? the scene in the prison where he hands Apothecary Swann the Evil Nano-flea (I've got a quick joke in mind for that one but no real dialog or Freddy quotes). does he speak when he abducts Madeleine and Mathilde in Norway? any other scenes? (Malek was under-utilized in the real film!)
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we should sort out the mechanism of the Evil Nano-Fleas before we contradict each other too much! they carry a Variant of Bubonic Plague, but why are they special? could we say (as the film does) that they do not just spread the Plague to anybody but somehow target specific DNA? then somebody could say "but Alchemists Watson and Crick shalt not discover DNA for another three and a half centuries!" . Then that exposition must go in some scene (Mallory's office?)
that will at least make more sense than however EON explained it. We will need to see the effects of the Evil Nano-Fleas and their plague variant in the Cuba scene. One of us had better research actual plague symptoms (I think black hands and large pustules were some of the symptoms)
also, what was the history of the sponsorship of this Evil Projeckte? in the film it barely made sense. Does Quantum start it, SPECTRE takes over Quantum so theyre the next sponsor, Blofeld is imprisoned so Mallory thinks its a good idea to continue, then somehow Safin gains control? anyway, if Quantum did start it, that would be an excuse for the Q logo in Safin's throne room, and characters could even argue about the history of the changing sponsors, realising to themselves that it makes no sense before Safin tells everybody to "Shut Up, thats irrelevant to how the plotte shall play out in this final scene anyway".
I'll merge the two versions soon.
The mechanism can be explained as you say by M or Q. We're not there yet- we have to do Felix dying first when James reports back with the Annoying Little Alchemist (let's keep calling him that, don't name him).
M = Sir Gareth
Q = The Young Wizard
Blofeld = Comte de Blofeld
For consistency
a reference to the prosthetic teeth Malek wore in Bohemian Rhapsody
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scene: outside the Gaol (a man in a Traditional Japanese Noh Mask walks towards the entrance)
Safin (humming) lalala, I go off to work on Monday morning, Tuesday I am off to honeymoon, lalala,
(pauses) ah! here's the GaoI I hast been looking for!
(Safin enters doorway. Moments later Apothecary Swann appears round a corner and also enters same doorway)
interior
a secretary: Oh there thou art, Apothecary Swann. Thou hast a Visitor awaiting thee in thine Offyce.
Swann (aside): A Visitor ? I wondrest whom that could be? I wast expecting no Visitors!
(Swann enters office to see the figure from her Childehoode Trauma, aka Act 1 Scenes 1 and 2. What she always remembered as a creepy snowman is actually a stranger in a Traditional Japanese Noh Mask)
Swann (shocked a moment but recovers): oh, tis thee! the Snowman from mine Childehoode Trauma!
Safin: mwummff mwummff mwumff mwumff
Swann: but why dost thou wear a Traditional Japanese Noh Mask at all? nobody in the Audience of the Globe Theatre even knowest the Isle of Japan exists, indeed I am surprised the Globe's Proppe Departmente shouldst have one!
Safin: mwummff mwummff mwumff mwumff
Swann: You know, I canst not understandeth a Word thou doth say! Pray removeth thine Traditional Japanese Noh Mask so that I might comprehedeth thine Speeche!
(Safin removes Traditional Japanese Noh Mask, revealing the face of a man of indeterminate age. He could be the age of Swann's later father, or only a few years older than Swann herself. It is hard to tell as his face is hideously scarred, and his face is further disfigured by a set of enormous, near perpendicular buck teeth)
Safin (spraying saliva in all directions as he speaks, like Sylvester the Cat): ash-thpllftt I wash-thpllftt thrying to sh-thpllfttt-ay, I thpllftt-ink thou sh-thpllftt-oudsh-pllftt take this glassshhh-thpllftt veshsh-thpllftt-el full of fleash-thpllftt insh-thpllftt-ide yonder prish-thpllftt-on sh-pllftt-ell and weweesh-pllftpllftpllft...
Swann (wiping saliva off her nose): I still canst not comprendeth a word thou speaks! It is those enormous near perpendicular buck teeth! Perhaps thou wantest not a Psychoanalyst, but preferest to visit the Orthodontist who has his offyce next door?
(Safin suddenly realises the problem, reaches to his mouth and removes a set of ridiculously oversized wooden dentures, looks at them, does a double take, and tosses them over his shoulder, wiping his hand on his tunic (note black fingernails))
Safin: Dammit! I had forgotten to remove yonder Proppe Dentures after completing my much lauded role in mine previous Playe last month! Funny nobody said anything til this moment! ... ahem. (licks teeth just to be sure) Now! Bwahahahahahh! As I was saying: I think thou should take this glass vessel full of Fleas inside yon prison cell and release...
Swann (aside): good thing he didst not try to say Ernst Stavro!
[subsititute actual Freddy Mercury lyrics as appropriate, but keep the Sylvester the Cat style speech impediment for his first line, maybe transcribe thpllftt better than I did]
yes @Barbel the further we get in to this the more I appreciate your challenge of merging the fragments together!
I know I think of these funny things while I'm out walking, or first wake up in the morning, and can see the whole scene in my mind and need to transcribe while I still remember, but am guilty of forgetting to check what everybody else has already written
just in case anyone misses the significance of the black fingernails...
I'd rather have too much material than too little!
Guys, the missile silo (and doors) have to go. Totally anachronistic. Westward Drift suggests going back to Fleming- the lair is Blofeld's Japanese castle.
I think that's very appropriate!
Barbel said:
Guys, the missile silo (and doors) have to go. Totally anachronistic. Westward Drift suggests going back to Fleming- the lair is Blofeld's Japanese castle.
agreed boss.
I had suggested this: period-appropriate British naval ships launch by catapult some sort of giant explosive cannon balls made from gun-powder, and phosphorous or magnesium or whatever would cause the blinding white flare. But somebody who knows chemistry better than me would have to fill that bit in. But itd be nice to somehow have the blinding white flare, as that has been much debated element of the actual film
Off shore facing the Evil Headquarters, a fleet of English Naval vessels begjn to assemble. [three-masted sailing ships, diverted from the Caribbean? Naval history experts can describe them better]
On each ship's deck are several large catapults which somehow do not get in the way of the sails and rigging. Sailors load the catapults with explosive ammunition [chemistry or weapons experts need to complete this detail: the catapults shall hurl round objects about the size of a Volkswagen, with lit fuses, somehow not just filled with gunpowder so they explode and do damage, but also chemicals (phosphorus? magnesium?) that will cause a bright white flash and blind the Audience for a full minute]
otherwise I am totally envisioning a mediaeval castle. Not only is it more period appropriate, it goes with the imagery of all those early Queen lyrics! maybe just make it more Japanese. The poison garden where they finally duel can be as Fleming describes, we can copy and paste some genuine Fleming quotes to set that scene. and thatd be an excuse for yet more copses piled up everywhere!
Did Mercury not sing one song in Japanese on A Day at the Races? I know on Jazz he says "we'll have breakfast at Tiffany's, I'll sing to you in Japanese, I'm only here to entertain you"