I was starting to imagine the scene where the SPECTRE agents all die from Bubonic Plague, and I got rather depressed. That's not funny at all, way too close to reality, and I don't want a wacky scene about people's limbs turning black to be my contribution to society. But we've kind of set up the story so that has to happen, so how to handle it?
I have an idea, inspired by Seinfeld. watch this scene from Seinfeld where Elaine meets an old woman with a goiter, from 0:40 to 2:00
it works because we don't see the old woman at all, we only see Elaine's reaction. If they showed the old woman, it would be an insult to old folks who really do suffer from disfigurement. but because all we see is Elaine's reaction, the comedy is in her discomfort, revealing her superficiality and talent for bullshitting, making it a funny well-acted scene based on a tasteless joke. I think this is how we have to handle this big SPECTRE scene.
(and if the youtube link doesn't work, the gist is basically Old Woman: I see your staring at my goiter. does it bother you? Elaine: gasp!!! ohhh, er, goiter? what goiter? I dont see any goiter? ohhh, that goiter! wow! its, er, very distinctive! umm, y'know, in fact I wish I had one!)
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[so, let's not show the dancefloor full of SPECTRE agents at all. Lets show Bond, Paloma, Nomi, and Annoying Little Alchemist together behind the bar, commenting on the horror show before them. The horror show is left entirely to the audience's imagination, but suggested by the commentary of the observers, and if we do it right most of the comedy can be about their reactions.]
(begin with...)
(Annoying Little Alchemist opens glass vessel and releases Evil Nano-Fleas while no-one's watching him)
Annoying Little Alchemist: heh heh heh, now we shall see my creation at work!
(one of Bond, Paloma, or Nomi then grab Annoying Little Alchemist by the scruff of his neck and drag him behind the bar)
Paloma: You're coming with me, Annoying Little Alchemist!
Nomi: No you're coming with me!
Paloma: Uh-uh, he is now in the custody of the CIA!
Nomi: Nuh-huh! He s now in the custody of MI6!!!
Paloma: Oh yeh?
Nomi: Yeh!
Paloma: Oh yeh?
Nomi: Yeh!
etc
Bond: er, ladies? What's happening on the dance floor?
(somebody coughs offstage, on unseen dancefloor)
Nomi: I don't know, the rhumba? the samba? The mamba? Some of these AfroCuban jazz groups are quite good you know, I wouldn't mind hitting the floor myself!
(many more coughs)
Paloma: They certainly are working up a sweat!
Bond: ...and although we are in a tropical climate, it is night and there is nice cool breeze off the Caribbean so they shouldn't be sweating quite that much...
(suddenly the sound of a sneeze: wahahaaaahaaaa-CHOO!!)
Nomi: Oh, yuck! oy, you cover your mouth with your hand when you do that!
Paloma: Why does nobody sneeze into their sleeve like they're supposed to? Is that so difficult? Droplets all over the place!
(more coughs and sneezes and now loud moans)
Bond: The first man who sneezed! His nose is turning black! That doesn't normally happen does it?
Annoying Little Alchemist: it is working! heehee! These are all symptoms! My evil invention is working!
(Bond Nomi and Paloma shoot him a collective glare)
Paloma: Wow, they're really starting to boogie down now! I've never seen that dance move before!
Nomi: Is it the pogo? The slam-dance? The mosh?
Bond: No, those punk rock dance moves shall not be invented for another three centuries, so that can't be what they're doing!
Annoying Little Alchemist: It is another symptom! They are having convulsive seizures! And see the beautiful Buboes pustules forming on their necks! heehee!
(more moans from dancefloor, growing louder, more frequent)
Bond: Symptoms of what?
Annoying Little Alchemist: My new variant of the Bubonic Plague of course! I did not dream it would work so fast! Is it not beautiful?
Paloma: Yeccch, now their extremities are all turning black! They can barely stand on their feet anymore!
Annoying Little Alchemist: Yes! Yes! That is the gangrene! Another symptom! Hooray for my genius!
Bond Paloma and Nomi: ewwww...
[extreme flatulence jokes begin here]
(in the midst of the coffs, sneezes, and swelling chorus of moans and groans, above all we hear the sound effect of a whoopee cushion. Bond, Nomi and Paloma's eyebrows all rise)
plllfffttt
Paloma (scrunches nose, waves hand before her face, then glares towards her rival Nomi)
Nomi (scrunches nose, waves hand before her face, then glares towards her predecessor Bond, of whom she is secretly jealous )
Bond (scrunches nose, waves hand before his face, then glares towards the Annoying Little Alchemist)
Annoying Little Alchemist (shrugs shoulders and giggles) Sorry everybody, I just cannot digest this Latin American food with all its beans!
Paloma: Thou art truly a pig!
(whoopee cushion sound effects continue)
Nomi: No listen, that sound (and stench) is coming from the dancefloor!
Paloma: Oh this is too horrible: They are being propelled forward by each whoopee cushion sound effect as if there were a Daemon in possession of their buttocks!
Nomi: And, and now! The forward momentum of the emission of noxious gases causes them to bump crashing into each other! Tis like a human version of the Bumper Chariots at the Brighton Seaside Pier except more smelly! [someone else correct this reference as appropriate, do they have bumper cars at Brighton? where else would they be found? Coney island is not yet a place]
Bond: Oh this is too much, it is just one Blasphemous Indignity upon the Human Body after another! At least the Globe audience is spared the actual sight and must rely on our Device of Unreliable Narration to imagine it! (too bad about the smell) Annoying Little Alchemist, hast thee no respect for God's Finest Creation?
(from dancefloor, whoopee cushion sound effects diminish and a new sound begins) ulp, gag, blurgghh...
[extreme flatulence jokes end here]
Annoying Little Alchemist: ...and now! They shall begin vomiting blood! ha-ha-haha-hahhh!
Bond: Everybody down!! Now!!! (all four duck behind bar)
(an enormous geysering bucketful of red ketchup special effects sprays the front of the bar and the mirror behind it, with drips slowly trickling down)
(disgusting sound effects from unseen dance floor slowly diminish from more "blurggghs" to more moans, then a series of plops as the bodies hit the floor, then less moans, then finally silence)
(after five minutes, the four characters tentatively raise their heads above the bar and survey the damage, saying "ewww" a few more times, then resume argument about who has custody of the Annoying Little Alchemist)
[could that work? its not quite so tasteless as it might have been and helps reveal the characters a bit more perhaps, especially Annoying Little Alchemist. Rewrite the dialog a bit to make Shakespearian and add more jokes if you think of them, and tie into scenes immediately before and after]
I love the Nomi/Paloma dialogue but like you am not sure re the symptoms though doing it this way is certainly better. Let me think a bit. Meantime, for just before your scene-
(Ye Isle of Cuba. Sir James wanders into a tavern where a most becoming young wench awaits.)
Sir James: Greetings. I trust that thou art Paloma?
Paloma: Indeed, and I trust that thou art he who is called Bond, James Bond?
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so.
Paloma: I am most happy to be workling with thee. Thou art only mine second assignment, you know.
Sir James: Oh? And ye first?
Paloma: An agent called Baines, but he was killed- up in ye hills down there.
Sir James: ‘Tis a relief to know I am next in line for ye same kind of aid.
Paloma: Thou shouldst not worry- for three weeks of training have I had!
Sir James: Three weeks, eh?
Paloma: Now, come with me.
(She leads him down to a cellar.)
Sir James: I am not too keen on thine decorator.
Paloma: Nay, this is ye wine cellar. Now…
(She begins to undo his doublet.)
Sir James: Perhaps this is not quite ye moment…
Paloma: Oh? Ah, I see. Behold!
(She indicates a well styled black doublet and hose, from Sir Tom Ford of London.)
Sir James: How did thee know mine size?
Paloma: Well, I did guess that thou wert about five foot eight-
(Sir James develops a sudden fit of coughing.)
Paloma: …..er, six foot tall. Now, at haste!
(Sir James changes into the outfit which fits him perfectly.)
How about it makes them all develop unruly blond hair and start telling outrageous lies ("I know nothing about this party!") before dropping dead of no confidence?
I'm actually at ease with my contribution to society now that I've written that out. and it really explores why Annoying Little Alchemist is so Annoying.
Extreme flatulence is an excellent symptom, its a perfectly good sound effect and could easily be added, maybe after the sneezes and before the moans. injecting whoopee cushion level comedy just in case the gangrene and blood-vomiting is getting people down.
I know Barbel is itching to add some BoJo jokes to the party scene. that seems inherently visual, can it be done by the commentators describing the unseen action on the dancefloor?
Guys, spot of housekeeping required. This is becoming a massive amount of text, we're going to have to split it in two halves. I suggest the logical point is after Felix dies, ie before James goes to London. Everyone ok with that?
Therefore I also suggest we concentrate on finishing the first half first. It's almost done.
makes complete sense and thats a natural breaking point
I think we've got most of the first half sketched out, still need a Matera car chase scene, and then we can identify the other gaps
theres two long acts after the break we've got nothing for (London and Norway), save Madeleine meeting Safin (presuming anybody likes my prosthetic teeth joke) so thats a huge chunk of work to look forwards to later
the BoJo joke could actually work as the punch line, since i didnt really write one.
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[merge from post 2568 here, I have inserted two more Extreme Flatulence references to the text]
(The four zany characters tentatively rise their heads above the bar, and survey the human wreckage. The whole entire Globe Theatre now really stinks from the Extreme Flatulence gag, the stage hands shall not be able to remove this smell for months.)
(Finally the dance floor is revealed, and despite all the bloody vomit, the corpses appear intact. just they are now all identical somewhat chubby white men in suits with bad blonde haircuts [somebody else describe BoJo better than I can] not quite dead yet but all lying collapsed on the floor, twitching and compulsively making excuses about being at the party)
BoJo 1: I wasn't at the party
BoJo 2: there was no party
BoJo 3: I was there but it wasn't a party, it was a cabinet meeting
BoJo 4: nobody told me parties were illegal! how was I to know? I'm the real victim!
BoJo 5: it is Prime Ministerial prerogative to go to any party I choose to
BoJo 6: in fact it is my duty, to enjoy the parties that the "hoi polloi" cannot, on their behalf! it is a noble sacrifice!
[and further variations therof]
Annoying Little Alchemist: I'm truly sorry, I did not foresee this horrific symptom!
Bond: Thou art indeed a monster most foul, I swear thou shalt pay for this!
Bojo 7:plllfffttt!
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caveat: only problem with this symptom, doesnt that mean Bond shall also turn into a BoJo when he is infected in the final scene? (Blofeld too)
well if it happens to Blofeld, Bond and M and the gang could all start shouting "omigod its happening again" as they look at the dead BoJo where Blofeld once was, that's very horror movie and a reminder that this is the ultimate most horrific symptom of the Variant.
But do we really want it to happen to Bond as his last moment on earth? maybe some think that'd be a swell capper to whole spoof. @Barbel and other british type folk should decide. as a colonist it isnt such a big deal to me.
My version of the death scene I deliberately left out Bond's last lines, I thought someone else might want to write that important bit. But we could have Bond do all his staggering and speechifying and hammy drawn-out death scene, then suddenly he goes into convulsions and struggles with his face, turns away from the audience like an old school impressionist (eg Rich Little or Frank Gorshin) and gags and gurgles a bit while we cant see his face, then turns round to face the Audience once more and Bond now has BoJo's face!!! Then he could say something like "that was The! Worst! Party! Ever!" before saying "ulp!" going crosseyed and dropping dead for the final time.
Here is the Matera chase, with an edit by Barbel to de-Americanize my spelling, up the mock Shakespearean dialogue a bit, and transition to the opening song.
(Sir James approaches Ye Nueva Locanda de Matera. He is out of breath from ye preceding chase.)
Doorman: My Lord, art thou well? You look as if thou hast had a cannon fire in your face, fallen off a bridge, and raced through town at a swift pace.
Sir James: More or less. I also rode a horse up a rampart and leapt over a funeral procession. Thou art very observant. Now, fetch mine carriage. It is the one made by ye DB5th Earl of Aston and ye Lord Martin…. Why doest thou not move? For what are you waiting?
Doorman: Ye valet ticket?
Sir James: Oh, aye, of course.
(Sir James rummages through ye folds of his garment. He is both annoyed and sheepish. He finally finds a slip of paper and hands it to ye doorman, who goes to retrieve ye carriage. Apothecary Swann by coincidence is exiting the inn. She is shocked by Sir James’ appearance.)
Apothecary Swann: James! What tragedy has befallen you? (If only she were as observant as a doorman.)
Sir James: We must flee. Death has not claimed the past, but it will claim us if we do not leave posthaste.
(The doorman arrives with ye carriage. Sir James hands a doorman a coin and he and Apothecary Swann climb aboard.
A pigeon alights on the bench next to Apothecary Swann. It has a tube strapped to one leg.)
Sir James: Open it. I hear horses approaching.
(Madeleine retrieves a letter from the tube and ye pigeon flies off. She unrolls ye letter to reveal to us a drawing of an octopus on the rear of ye paper.
Sir James flicks ye reigns and they proceed down ye narrow street. Several men on horseback approach. Sir James increases speed but ye pursuers gain ground. One pulls along side when the street widens and slashes a sword at Sir James. Madeleine screams as the sword narrowly misses the pair. Sir James pulls a hidden lever (one of many as we shall see). A pole springs out from the hub of the front wheel, tripping the horse next to them. The rider flies through ye air with a Wilhelm Scream and crashes into a storefront. Ye pole retracts.)
Sir James: What dost yon missive say? Speak!
Apothecary Swann: It is nothing but lies from the Comte de Blofeld. He claims me to be a daughter of Spectre.
Sir James: (Thinking.)
I’ve loved you since I do not know when
My dear most lovely Madeleine
Though thine lips do taste of nectar
Thou surely art a daughter of Spectre
Sir James: (Aloud.) Perhaps thou art. They were waiting for me at ye tomb of Lady Lynd.
Apothecary Swann: Why wouldst I betray you?
Sir James: Alack, all of us secrets do have. To yours, we have not yet arrived… yet.
(The carriage races down the street. Two horsemen follow, but maintain a respectful distance, not wanting to repeat the error of their compatriot.
More horsemen appear in front of them. Sir James swerves his carriage down a neighbouring street. They enter the Matera town square. All exit points are blocked. Sir James quickly pulls back on the horses’ reins.)
Sir James: (To his horses.) Whoa, Sir Sean. Whoa, Sir Roger.
Primo: There is no escape for you, Sir James. Matera's town bell will soon toll your demise.
(Several of the henchmen pull out crossbows and bow and arrows.)
Lady Madeline: James! Please! Save...us.
(Big dramatic pause...)
Sir James: Very well.
(Sir James pulls on two other hidden levers. Ye packs on the backs of Sir Sean and Sir Roger unfurl and cover them in leather and chainmail armour. A canopy raises from the rear of ye carriage. When fully extended over the pair, Sir James reaches up and unrolls armour like that on his horses. Sir James and Madeleine are now completely enclosed, able to see outside through small slits in ye armoured fabric. The shafts of incoming light are very atmospheric.)
Primo: Fire!
(Arrows and crossbow bolts rain down on ye carriage, but bounce off ye armour. Sir Sean and Sir Roger are becoming very agitated as errant arrows strike them.
Sir James grabs a firestarter from his corduroy doublet. The sparks alight a small piece of cloth. Sir James grabs two metal canisters from under ye bench. He touches the flame to ye canisters and throws them out toward his adversaries. Smoke begins to billow out, providing cover.)
Primo: Advance on them! Do not let them escape into the dark mist!
(Sir James gives a cruel smile. He uses the flame to ignite two fuses on the floor of ye carriage, then pulls on the reins and ye carriage turns. When the rear is facing Primo and the archers the fuses ignite ye hidden rifle barrels in the rear of ye carriage. A dozen bullets fly out, slaying several men.
Sir James whips the reins and ye carriage races toward a group of men blocking one street. Sir James pulls a lever and blades extend from the rear axle. The horses trample several men while ye blades cut down those who tried to dive out of ye way.
Sir James and Lady Madeline have made their escape. As sunset approaches the carriage and horses, now reset to their initial innocent appearance, approach a waystation in the nearby town of Altamura.)
Apothecary Swann: Thou hast not spoken for hours….
Sir James: It did seem I was expected- how could they have known this?
Apothecary Swann: But surely thou do not think that….?
Sir James: No-one else knew. Also, thou didst receive a missive from ye Comte de Blofeld.
Apothecary Swann: But, James…. (She rubs her belly.)
Sir James: But me no buts, fair lady. Now, out of mine carriage and wait here.
Apothecary Swann: (Getting out.) But when shalt I see thee again?
Sir James: Thou willst not.
(Sir James goads ye horses, and poor exhausted Sir Sean and Sir Roger wearily begin to head off. Madeleine waits, aghast, at ye waystation.
A young woman on a makeshift stage begins to sing….)
Young Singer: ...and its... (Inaudible) ... Nay Time To (Inaudible) ... something something Bad Guy ...
Audience Member: Speak up!
2nd Audience Member: Aye, no-one can hear you!
Audience as one: Aye! That is right! (They grow restive.)
3rd Audience Member: Dost thou not know how to belt it out to the back row as didst Dame Bassey before thee?
(Audience rises to their feet as a mob, and reach for their provisions brought from the market.)
4th Audience Member: (Facing backwards into the mob and gesticulating.) Why didst they not get Safin to sing this song? He hast an excellent singing voice!!! Mr Showmanship they callest him!!!
Audience: (In unison.) Thou suckest! Get off the stage!! Boo! Hiss! Etc etc
(And poor Billie ist pelted with rotten tomatoes and other sundry fortnight-old vegetables, as we begin ye Second Act.)
oh thats excellent, a true spectacle as this scene deserves! I can see why you did not want to be confined to a wooden stage
if I were Bond I'd be pissed at the valet too! When Bond went undercover as a valet on his first adventure, he made the job seem much simpler!
also what is the poem being quoted? "I’ve loved you since I do not know when" etc
so is the visit to the cemetery and its aftermath the only scene from act 1 left? as its action was summarised within the dialog above, that bit actually can be left to the imagination, unless someone has ideas for it
I may go back and insert fart jokes to the big SPECTRE scene, as @Gymkata likes them and I'm sure the Audience at The Globe would appreciate a cheap laff too (whereas the BoJo joke would go right over their heads!)
The Poem is Barbel's. I just put in a request to "put sonnet/ode to Spectre's daughter here."
Yes, this is why I needed the "real world" locations. The feel and jokes would have been different confined to a stage. Doable, yes, but different. Think War Horse meets Spiderman Turn Off The Dark. So many stagehands in all black leotards moving around carriages and fake horses.
I wrote my scene so that we don't really need the aftermath/chase following the visit to the cemetery. The joke is we get it all in a line of dialogue from a doorman. We can go from tomb exploding (if even that is needed) to a disheveled Sir James approaching the Inn.
@Gymkata you are of course one of the highbrows, but one who has the gift to Speak to the lowbrows in our Globe Theatre audience!
I'm swamp-i-mified in my RealWorld non-theatrical job today, or else I'd have inserted the whoopee cushion sound effects by now. I think I know where they'd go. If we include the Bojo capper to that sequence, the last BoJo can do a final poot as well after last line of dialog but right before the scene changes
only thing is I'd created the sound effect pllfftt!! to represent the Sylvester the Cat type saliva spraying sound someone would make as he tried to speak with an enormous near-perpendicular wooden denture prop in his mouth. But pllfftt!! would seem even more appropriate to extreme flatulence. hopefully the nitpickers in the Audience shall not notice the same sound effect is being used in two different ways used to represent two completely different disgusting bodily malfunctions.
I'm piecing together our jigsaw and we have a missing piece:
Paloma leads Sir James into the Spectre meeting. Meanwhile, Primo and ye Annoying Little Alchemist are above them. ALA manages to switch the fleas while Primo isn't looking (perhaps, "Hey look at the dress that girl ist wearing"?).
One of the Spectre people speaks for the Comte de Blofeld (consistency), welcoming Sir James (maybe "cuckoo"? again) and announcing that he will now die...
We then have caractacus' scene, (releasing the fleas, fighting, etc) but with some changes (eg Nomi has to arrive rather than just be there).
1) Ignore it. If we want, Primo has an eyepatch with an eye painted on it.
2) Ye Comte de Blofeld has one as well, and they are enchanted eye patches! When we meet ye Young Wizard (Q) he gives Sir James an enchanted bracelet which will not only relay his whereabouts to ye Young Wizard (via his crystal ball, of course) but will also explode Primo's eyepatch.
Background: the original Q (Desmond Llewelyn) has always been referred to in these plays as ye Old Wizard, so naturally the current Q (Ben Whishaw) is ye Young Wizard. (John Cleese was briefly ye New Wizard). A little magic now and again covers for the lack of tech.
Blofeld is always ye Comte de Blofeld, riffing on his attempts at getting a title in OHMSS. Bernard Lee was Sir Miles (of course), Judi Dench naturally Dame Miles, and Ralph Fiennes is Sir Gareth. The Chief of Staff is William of Tanner, and the secretary Maid Moneypenny.
youd said you already had an idea for the Blofeld scene, but itd be nice if, while M was observing Blofeld through the Victorian equivalent of a video monitor (one way glass from an other office immediately next to Blofeld's cell?) if..
Blofeld could be popping the i-ball from his eye socket into his hand and muttering "now can you hear me?" as he frantically paces his padded cell trying to get a signal, cursing this newfangled wizardry
...thatd really give the MI6 observers good reason to call him a looney!
I'll try to add whoopee cushion sound effects to the SPECTRE scene after breakfast. @Barbel I sent you a quick comment about the Published Scenes, I see an edit needed and chance for expanding "bit missing" into a proper joke in and of itself
@Barbel if youre still merging the next Acte, I have added a sequence of Extreme Flatulence gags to post 2568 (where the start and end point for newly added material is indicated) and post 2579
hopefully the whoopee cushion content is up to the high standard of the scribe @Gymkata though I am more pleased with my in-dialog references to the Device of Unreliable Narrator, and to the Indignities to the Human Body
and Lashana Lynch is an actual Marvel Studios actor, I think she's meant to be the next Captain Marvel in the sequel, but thatd be a @Gymkata question.
Anyway, Nomi could correct Paloma,
Nomi: Nay, not SpiderMan, but I shall be playing Captain Marvel [or whoever] in mine next Playe at the Marvel WoodenStage Universe Theatre across the street next month, once this long delayed production is over.
Paloma: Oh those are always good, much more popular with Contemporary Audiences than these Playes, congratulations!
Nomi: Thanks! and I much admired your performance in last years Playe BladeRunner 1599. I was most impressed at the successful use of pseudoElizabethan era retro-tech in that Production. But enough of yon girlish chit-chat, for now, we art rivals!
if its a balcony off the castle, that gives us a chance to include a Fleming reference!
There is a weather balloon [or elizabethan equivalent] marked with skull and cross-bones logo tethered to the rail. As Bond staggers back and forth during his death scene, he could stagger tantalizingly close a few times, then finally reach out and almost grab it, just as the enormous cannon balls (yon Great Balls of Fire) arrive and the stage goes white. When the remains of the stage comes back into view, he looks to where the weather balloon was and it's still there, but punctured and deflated. He could even try desperately to re-inflate it with is last dying breath!
I'm pretty sure they didn't have weather balloons back then, but I'm very sure they did have weather kites, especially in Asia. It would work in the plot the same way- James could grab the rope as the castle blows up, and Kissy could see him fall into the water and.... and... oh, right.... not that one...
Comments
They will shake his nerves and rattle his brain.
Yes, that sounds the way to go. 👍 Thanks! We should keep things vague + not copy the film too exactly.
I was starting to imagine the scene where the SPECTRE agents all die from Bubonic Plague, and I got rather depressed. That's not funny at all, way too close to reality, and I don't want a wacky scene about people's limbs turning black to be my contribution to society. But we've kind of set up the story so that has to happen, so how to handle it?
I have an idea, inspired by Seinfeld. watch this scene from Seinfeld where Elaine meets an old woman with a goiter, from 0:40 to 2:00
it works because we don't see the old woman at all, we only see Elaine's reaction. If they showed the old woman, it would be an insult to old folks who really do suffer from disfigurement. but because all we see is Elaine's reaction, the comedy is in her discomfort, revealing her superficiality and talent for bullshitting, making it a funny well-acted scene based on a tasteless joke. I think this is how we have to handle this big SPECTRE scene.
(and if the youtube link doesn't work, the gist is basically Old Woman: I see your staring at my goiter. does it bother you? Elaine: gasp!!! ohhh, er, goiter? what goiter? I dont see any goiter? ohhh, that goiter! wow! its, er, very distinctive! umm, y'know, in fact I wish I had one!)
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[so, let's not show the dancefloor full of SPECTRE agents at all. Lets show Bond, Paloma, Nomi, and Annoying Little Alchemist together behind the bar, commenting on the horror show before them. The horror show is left entirely to the audience's imagination, but suggested by the commentary of the observers, and if we do it right most of the comedy can be about their reactions.]
(begin with...)
(Annoying Little Alchemist opens glass vessel and releases Evil Nano-Fleas while no-one's watching him)
Annoying Little Alchemist: heh heh heh, now we shall see my creation at work!
(one of Bond, Paloma, or Nomi then grab Annoying Little Alchemist by the scruff of his neck and drag him behind the bar)
Paloma: You're coming with me, Annoying Little Alchemist!
Nomi: No you're coming with me!
Paloma: Uh-uh, he is now in the custody of the CIA!
Nomi: Nuh-huh! He s now in the custody of MI6!!!
Paloma: Oh yeh?
Nomi: Yeh!
Paloma: Oh yeh?
Nomi: Yeh!
etc
Bond: er, ladies? What's happening on the dance floor?
(somebody coughs offstage, on unseen dancefloor)
Nomi: I don't know, the rhumba? the samba? The mamba? Some of these AfroCuban jazz groups are quite good you know, I wouldn't mind hitting the floor myself!
(many more coughs)
Paloma: They certainly are working up a sweat!
Bond: ...and although we are in a tropical climate, it is night and there is nice cool breeze off the Caribbean so they shouldn't be sweating quite that much...
(suddenly the sound of a sneeze: wahahaaaahaaaa-CHOO!!)
Nomi: Oh, yuck! oy, you cover your mouth with your hand when you do that!
Paloma: Why does nobody sneeze into their sleeve like they're supposed to? Is that so difficult? Droplets all over the place!
(more coughs and sneezes and now loud moans)
Bond: The first man who sneezed! His nose is turning black! That doesn't normally happen does it?
Annoying Little Alchemist: it is working! heehee! These are all symptoms! My evil invention is working!
(Bond Nomi and Paloma shoot him a collective glare)
Paloma: Wow, they're really starting to boogie down now! I've never seen that dance move before!
Nomi: Is it the pogo? The slam-dance? The mosh?
Bond: No, those punk rock dance moves shall not be invented for another three centuries, so that can't be what they're doing!
Annoying Little Alchemist: It is another symptom! They are having convulsive seizures! And see the beautiful Buboes pustules forming on their necks! heehee!
(more moans from dancefloor, growing louder, more frequent)
Bond: Symptoms of what?
Annoying Little Alchemist: My new variant of the Bubonic Plague of course! I did not dream it would work so fast! Is it not beautiful?
Paloma: Yeccch, now their extremities are all turning black! They can barely stand on their feet anymore!
Annoying Little Alchemist: Yes! Yes! That is the gangrene! Another symptom! Hooray for my genius!
Bond Paloma and Nomi: ewwww...
[extreme flatulence jokes begin here]
(in the midst of the coffs, sneezes, and swelling chorus of moans and groans, above all we hear the sound effect of a whoopee cushion. Bond, Nomi and Paloma's eyebrows all rise)
plllfffttt
Paloma (scrunches nose, waves hand before her face, then glares towards her rival Nomi)
Nomi (scrunches nose, waves hand before her face, then glares towards her predecessor Bond, of whom she is secretly jealous )
Bond (scrunches nose, waves hand before his face, then glares towards the Annoying Little Alchemist)
Annoying Little Alchemist (shrugs shoulders and giggles) Sorry everybody, I just cannot digest this Latin American food with all its beans!
Paloma: Thou art truly a pig!
(whoopee cushion sound effects continue)
Nomi: No listen, that sound (and stench) is coming from the dancefloor!
(from dancefloor: moan, coff, groan, plllfffttt!, groan, coff, plllfffttt!, moan, plllfffttt!, plllfffttt!...)
Bond: Another of your damnable symptoms?
Annoying Little Alchemist: Yes! Yes! Now comes the Extreme Flatulence!
(from dancefloor: ...plllfffttt!, plllfffttt!, plllfffttt!, plllfffttt!...)
Paloma: Oh this is too horrible: They are being propelled forward by each whoopee cushion sound effect as if there were a Daemon in possession of their buttocks!
Nomi: And, and now! The forward momentum of the emission of noxious gases causes them to bump crashing into each other! Tis like a human version of the Bumper Chariots at the Brighton Seaside Pier except more smelly! [someone else correct this reference as appropriate, do they have bumper cars at Brighton? where else would they be found? Coney island is not yet a place]
Bond: Oh this is too much, it is just one Blasphemous Indignity upon the Human Body after another! At least the Globe audience is spared the actual sight and must rely on our Device of Unreliable Narration to imagine it! (too bad about the smell) Annoying Little Alchemist, hast thee no respect for God's Finest Creation?
(from dancefloor, whoopee cushion sound effects diminish and a new sound begins) ulp, gag, blurgghh...
[extreme flatulence jokes end here]
Annoying Little Alchemist: ...and now! They shall begin vomiting blood! ha-ha-haha-hahhh!
Bond: Everybody down!! Now!!! (all four duck behind bar)
(an enormous geysering bucketful of red ketchup special effects sprays the front of the bar and the mirror behind it, with drips slowly trickling down)
(disgusting sound effects from unseen dance floor slowly diminish from more "blurggghs" to more moans, then a series of plops as the bodies hit the floor, then less moans, then finally silence)
(after five minutes, the four characters tentatively raise their heads above the bar and survey the damage, saying "ewww" a few more times, then resume argument about who has custody of the Annoying Little Alchemist)
[merge with post 2579 here]
[could that work? its not quite so tasteless as it might have been and helps reveal the characters a bit more perhaps, especially Annoying Little Alchemist. Rewrite the dialog a bit to make Shakespearian and add more jokes if you think of them, and tie into scenes immediately before and after]
I love the Nomi/Paloma dialogue but like you am not sure re the symptoms though doing it this way is certainly better. Let me think a bit. Meantime, for just before your scene-
(Ye Isle of Cuba. Sir James wanders into a tavern where a most becoming young wench awaits.)
Sir James: Greetings. I trust that thou art Paloma?
Paloma: Indeed, and I trust that thou art he who is called Bond, James Bond?
Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so.
Paloma: I am most happy to be workling with thee. Thou art only mine second assignment, you know.
Sir James: Oh? And ye first?
Paloma: An agent called Baines, but he was killed- up in ye hills down there.
Sir James: ‘Tis a relief to know I am next in line for ye same kind of aid.
Paloma: Thou shouldst not worry- for three weeks of training have I had!
Sir James: Three weeks, eh?
Paloma: Now, come with me.
(She leads him down to a cellar.)
Sir James: I am not too keen on thine decorator.
Paloma: Nay, this is ye wine cellar. Now…
(She begins to undo his doublet.)
Sir James: Perhaps this is not quite ye moment…
Paloma: Oh? Ah, I see. Behold!
(She indicates a well styled black doublet and hose, from Sir Tom Ford of London.)
Sir James: How did thee know mine size?
Paloma: Well, I did guess that thou wert about five foot eight-
(Sir James develops a sudden fit of coughing.)
Paloma: …..er, six foot tall. Now, at haste!
(Sir James changes into the outfit which fits him perfectly.)
Paloma: Now, with me!
How about it makes them all develop unruly blond hair and start telling outrageous lies ("I know nothing about this party!") before dropping dead of no confidence?
Sir James: Oh no!
Paloma: What is it?
Sir James: It's the BuBorisic plague!
Surely you can't be serious?
😂😂😂
I'm actually at ease with my contribution to society now that I've written that out. and it really explores why Annoying Little Alchemist is so Annoying.
Extreme flatulence is an excellent symptom, its a perfectly good sound effect and could easily be added, maybe after the sneezes and before the moans. injecting whoopee cushion level comedy just in case the gangrene and blood-vomiting is getting people down.
I know Barbel is itching to add some BoJo jokes to the party scene. that seems inherently visual, can it be done by the commentators describing the unseen action on the dancefloor?
Guys, spot of housekeeping required. This is becoming a massive amount of text, we're going to have to split it in two halves. I suggest the logical point is after Felix dies, ie before James goes to London. Everyone ok with that?
Therefore I also suggest we concentrate on finishing the first half first. It's almost done.
makes complete sense and thats a natural breaking point
I think we've got most of the first half sketched out, still need a Matera car chase scene, and then we can identify the other gaps
theres two long acts after the break we've got nothing for (London and Norway), save Madeleine meeting Safin (presuming anybody likes my prosthetic teeth joke) so thats a huge chunk of work to look forwards to later
the BoJo joke could actually work as the punch line, since i didnt really write one.
__________________________________
[merge from post 2568 here, I have inserted two more Extreme Flatulence references to the text]
(The four zany characters tentatively rise their heads above the bar, and survey the human wreckage. The whole entire Globe Theatre now really stinks from the Extreme Flatulence gag, the stage hands shall not be able to remove this smell for months.)
(Finally the dance floor is revealed, and despite all the bloody vomit, the corpses appear intact. just they are now all identical somewhat chubby white men in suits with bad blonde haircuts [somebody else describe BoJo better than I can] not quite dead yet but all lying collapsed on the floor, twitching and compulsively making excuses about being at the party)
BoJo 1: I wasn't at the party
BoJo 2: there was no party
BoJo 3: I was there but it wasn't a party, it was a cabinet meeting
BoJo 4: nobody told me parties were illegal! how was I to know? I'm the real victim!
BoJo 5: it is Prime Ministerial prerogative to go to any party I choose to
BoJo 6: in fact it is my duty, to enjoy the parties that the "hoi polloi" cannot, on their behalf! it is a noble sacrifice!
[and further variations therof]
Annoying Little Alchemist: I'm truly sorry, I did not foresee this horrific symptom!
Bond: Thou art indeed a monster most foul, I swear thou shalt pay for this!
Bojo 7: plllfffttt!
__________________________________
caveat: only problem with this symptom, doesnt that mean Bond shall also turn into a BoJo when he is infected in the final scene? (Blofeld too)
As I understand it, it's only people with the right DNA (we'll have to gloss over that) that get the condition. He's just a carrier.
However, your idea seems good!
well if it happens to Blofeld, Bond and M and the gang could all start shouting "omigod its happening again" as they look at the dead BoJo where Blofeld once was, that's very horror movie and a reminder that this is the ultimate most horrific symptom of the Variant.
But do we really want it to happen to Bond as his last moment on earth? maybe some think that'd be a swell capper to whole spoof. @Barbel and other british type folk should decide. as a colonist it isnt such a big deal to me.
My version of the death scene I deliberately left out Bond's last lines, I thought someone else might want to write that important bit. But we could have Bond do all his staggering and speechifying and hammy drawn-out death scene, then suddenly he goes into convulsions and struggles with his face, turns away from the audience like an old school impressionist (eg Rich Little or Frank Gorshin) and gags and gurgles a bit while we cant see his face, then turns round to face the Audience once more and Bond now has BoJo's face!!! Then he could say something like "that was The! Worst! Party! Ever!" before saying "ulp!" going crosseyed and dropping dead for the final time.
No, Bond doesn't have the condition- he's a carrier. He isn't going to die of it in the film and he isn't going to turn into Boris in our version.
Here is the Matera chase, with an edit by Barbel to de-Americanize my spelling, up the mock Shakespearean dialogue a bit, and transition to the opening song.
***********************************************************************************************************
(Sir James approaches Ye Nueva Locanda de Matera. He is out of breath from ye preceding chase.)
Doorman: My Lord, art thou well? You look as if thou hast had a cannon fire in your face, fallen off a bridge, and raced through town at a swift pace.
Sir James: More or less. I also rode a horse up a rampart and leapt over a funeral procession. Thou art very observant. Now, fetch mine carriage. It is the one made by ye DB5th Earl of Aston and ye Lord Martin…. Why doest thou not move? For what are you waiting?
Doorman: Ye valet ticket?
Sir James: Oh, aye, of course.
(Sir James rummages through ye folds of his garment. He is both annoyed and sheepish. He finally finds a slip of paper and hands it to ye doorman, who goes to retrieve ye carriage. Apothecary Swann by coincidence is exiting the inn. She is shocked by Sir James’ appearance.)
Apothecary Swann: James! What tragedy has befallen you? (If only she were as observant as a doorman.)
Sir James: We must flee. Death has not claimed the past, but it will claim us if we do not leave posthaste.
(The doorman arrives with ye carriage. Sir James hands a doorman a coin and he and Apothecary Swann climb aboard.
A pigeon alights on the bench next to Apothecary Swann. It has a tube strapped to one leg.)
Sir James: Open it. I hear horses approaching.
(Madeleine retrieves a letter from the tube and ye pigeon flies off. She unrolls ye letter to reveal to us a drawing of an octopus on the rear of ye paper.
Sir James flicks ye reigns and they proceed down ye narrow street. Several men on horseback approach. Sir James increases speed but ye pursuers gain ground. One pulls along side when the street widens and slashes a sword at Sir James. Madeleine screams as the sword narrowly misses the pair. Sir James pulls a hidden lever (one of many as we shall see). A pole springs out from the hub of the front wheel, tripping the horse next to them. The rider flies through ye air with a Wilhelm Scream and crashes into a storefront. Ye pole retracts.)
Sir James: What dost yon missive say? Speak!
Apothecary Swann: It is nothing but lies from the Comte de Blofeld. He claims me to be a daughter of Spectre.
Sir James: (Thinking.)
I’ve loved you since I do not know when
My dear most lovely Madeleine
Though thine lips do taste of nectar
Thou surely art a daughter of Spectre
Sir James: (Aloud.) Perhaps thou art. They were waiting for me at ye tomb of Lady Lynd.
Apothecary Swann: Why wouldst I betray you?
Sir James: Alack, all of us secrets do have. To yours, we have not yet arrived… yet.
(The carriage races down the street. Two horsemen follow, but maintain a respectful distance, not wanting to repeat the error of their compatriot.
More horsemen appear in front of them. Sir James swerves his carriage down a neighbouring street. They enter the Matera town square. All exit points are blocked. Sir James quickly pulls back on the horses’ reins.)
Sir James: (To his horses.) Whoa, Sir Sean. Whoa, Sir Roger.
Primo: There is no escape for you, Sir James. Matera's town bell will soon toll your demise.
(Several of the henchmen pull out crossbows and bow and arrows.)
Lady Madeline: James! Please! Save...us.
(Big dramatic pause...)
Sir James: Very well.
(Sir James pulls on two other hidden levers. Ye packs on the backs of Sir Sean and Sir Roger unfurl and cover them in leather and chainmail armour. A canopy raises from the rear of ye carriage. When fully extended over the pair, Sir James reaches up and unrolls armour like that on his horses. Sir James and Madeleine are now completely enclosed, able to see outside through small slits in ye armoured fabric. The shafts of incoming light are very atmospheric.)
Primo: Fire!
(Arrows and crossbow bolts rain down on ye carriage, but bounce off ye armour. Sir Sean and Sir Roger are becoming very agitated as errant arrows strike them.
Sir James grabs a firestarter from his corduroy doublet. The sparks alight a small piece of cloth. Sir James grabs two metal canisters from under ye bench. He touches the flame to ye canisters and throws them out toward his adversaries. Smoke begins to billow out, providing cover.)
Primo: Advance on them! Do not let them escape into the dark mist!
(Sir James gives a cruel smile. He uses the flame to ignite two fuses on the floor of ye carriage, then pulls on the reins and ye carriage turns. When the rear is facing Primo and the archers the fuses ignite ye hidden rifle barrels in the rear of ye carriage. A dozen bullets fly out, slaying several men.
Sir James whips the reins and ye carriage races toward a group of men blocking one street. Sir James pulls a lever and blades extend from the rear axle. The horses trample several men while ye blades cut down those who tried to dive out of ye way.
Sir James and Lady Madeline have made their escape. As sunset approaches the carriage and horses, now reset to their initial innocent appearance, approach a waystation in the nearby town of Altamura.)
Apothecary Swann: Thou hast not spoken for hours….
Sir James: It did seem I was expected- how could they have known this?
Apothecary Swann: But surely thou do not think that….?
Sir James: No-one else knew. Also, thou didst receive a missive from ye Comte de Blofeld.
Apothecary Swann: But, James…. (She rubs her belly.)
Sir James: But me no buts, fair lady. Now, out of mine carriage and wait here.
Apothecary Swann: (Getting out.) But when shalt I see thee again?
Sir James: Thou willst not.
(Sir James goads ye horses, and poor exhausted Sir Sean and Sir Roger wearily begin to head off. Madeleine waits, aghast, at ye waystation.
A young woman on a makeshift stage begins to sing….)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intermission. Ye young singer, Billie, mumbles some words.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Young Singer: ...and its... (Inaudible) ... Nay Time To (Inaudible) ... something something Bad Guy ...
Audience Member: Speak up!
2nd Audience Member: Aye, no-one can hear you!
Audience as one: Aye! That is right! (They grow restive.)
3rd Audience Member: Dost thou not know how to belt it out to the back row as didst Dame Bassey before thee?
(Audience rises to their feet as a mob, and reach for their provisions brought from the market.)
4th Audience Member: (Facing backwards into the mob and gesticulating.) Why didst they not get Safin to sing this song? He hast an excellent singing voice!!! Mr Showmanship they callest him!!!
Audience: (In unison.) Thou suckest! Get off the stage!! Boo! Hiss! Etc etc
(And poor Billie ist pelted with rotten tomatoes and other sundry fortnight-old vegetables, as we begin ye Second Act.)
oh thats excellent, a true spectacle as this scene deserves! I can see why you did not want to be confined to a wooden stage
if I were Bond I'd be pissed at the valet too! When Bond went undercover as a valet on his first adventure, he made the job seem much simpler!
also what is the poem being quoted? "I’ve loved you since I do not know when" etc
so is the visit to the cemetery and its aftermath the only scene from act 1 left? as its action was summarised within the dialog above, that bit actually can be left to the imagination, unless someone has ideas for it
I may go back and insert fart jokes to the big SPECTRE scene, as @Gymkata likes them and I'm sure the Audience at The Globe would appreciate a cheap laff too (whereas the BoJo joke would go right over their heads!)
The Poem is Barbel's. I just put in a request to "put sonnet/ode to Spectre's daughter here."
Yes, this is why I needed the "real world" locations. The feel and jokes would have been different confined to a stage. Doable, yes, but different. Think War Horse meets Spiderman Turn Off The Dark. So many stagehands in all black leotards moving around carriages and fake horses.
I wrote my scene so that we don't really need the aftermath/chase following the visit to the cemetery. The joke is we get it all in a line of dialogue from a doorman. We can go from tomb exploding (if even that is needed) to a disheveled Sir James approaching the Inn.
@Gymkata you are of course one of the highbrows, but one who has the gift to Speak to the lowbrows in our Globe Theatre audience!
I'm swamp-i-mified in my RealWorld non-theatrical job today, or else I'd have inserted the whoopee cushion sound effects by now. I think I know where they'd go. If we include the Bojo capper to that sequence, the last BoJo can do a final poot as well after last line of dialog but right before the scene changes
only thing is I'd created the sound effect pllfftt!! to represent the Sylvester the Cat type saliva spraying sound someone would make as he tried to speak with an enormous near-perpendicular wooden denture prop in his mouth. But pllfftt!! would seem even more appropriate to extreme flatulence. hopefully the nitpickers in the Audience shall not notice the same sound effect is being used in two different ways used to represent two completely different disgusting bodily malfunctions.
Would BoJo be the Epic Fool Mayor of London Town?
I'm piecing together our jigsaw and we have a missing piece:
Paloma leads Sir James into the Spectre meeting. Meanwhile, Primo and ye Annoying Little Alchemist are above them. ALA manages to switch the fleas while Primo isn't looking (perhaps, "Hey look at the dress that girl ist wearing"?).
One of the Spectre people speaks for the Comte de Blofeld (consistency), welcoming Sir James (maybe "cuckoo"? again) and announcing that he will now die...
We then have caractacus' scene, (releasing the fleas, fighting, etc) but with some changes (eg Nomi has to arrive rather than just be there).
Anyone want a go at that?
I cant even remember how that goes in EON's version: havent got the dvd, and its now four months since I saw the film! so best not be me...
but I have a question, re retro-tech: how are we representing the i-Ball?
2 ways I can think of-
1) Ignore it. If we want, Primo has an eyepatch with an eye painted on it.
2) Ye Comte de Blofeld has one as well, and they are enchanted eye patches! When we meet ye Young Wizard (Q) he gives Sir James an enchanted bracelet which will not only relay his whereabouts to ye Young Wizard (via his crystal ball, of course) but will also explode Primo's eyepatch.
Background: the original Q (Desmond Llewelyn) has always been referred to in these plays as ye Old Wizard, so naturally the current Q (Ben Whishaw) is ye Young Wizard. (John Cleese was briefly ye New Wizard). A little magic now and again covers for the lack of tech.
Blofeld is always ye Comte de Blofeld, riffing on his attempts at getting a title in OHMSS. Bernard Lee was Sir Miles (of course), Judi Dench naturally Dame Miles, and Ralph Fiennes is Sir Gareth. The Chief of Staff is William of Tanner, and the secretary Maid Moneypenny.
I'm a fiend for consistency!
magic! yes of course, I'd forgotten about magic!
youd said you already had an idea for the Blofeld scene, but itd be nice if, while M was observing Blofeld through the Victorian equivalent of a video monitor (one way glass from an other office immediately next to Blofeld's cell?) if..
Blofeld could be popping the i-ball from his eye socket into his hand and muttering "now can you hear me?" as he frantically paces his padded cell trying to get a signal, cursing this newfangled wizardry
...thatd really give the MI6 observers good reason to call him a looney!
I'll try to add whoopee cushion sound effects to the SPECTRE scene after breakfast. @Barbel I sent you a quick comment about the Published Scenes, I see an edit needed and chance for expanding "bit missing" into a proper joke in and of itself
@Barbel if youre still merging the next Acte, I have added a sequence of Extreme Flatulence gags to post 2568 (where the start and end point for newly added material is indicated) and post 2579
hopefully the whoopee cushion content is up to the high standard of the scribe @Gymkata though I am more pleased with my in-dialog references to the Device of Unreliable Narrator, and to the Indignities to the Human Body
I'll get to work on it later
Meanwhile....
Just thought of a line- when Nomi drops in via her rope, Paloma says "I thought I would be working with James Bond, I didn't expect Spiderman!"
and Lashana Lynch is an actual Marvel Studios actor, I think she's meant to be the next Captain Marvel in the sequel, but thatd be a @Gymkata question.
Anyway, Nomi could correct Paloma,
Nomi: Nay, not SpiderMan, but I shall be playing Captain Marvel [or whoever] in mine next Playe at the Marvel WoodenStage Universe Theatre across the street next month, once this long delayed production is over.
Paloma: Oh those are always good, much more popular with Contemporary Audiences than these Playes, congratulations!
Nomi: Thanks! and I much admired your performance in last years Playe BladeRunner 1599. I was most impressed at the successful use of pseudoElizabethan era retro-tech in that Production. But enough of yon girlish chit-chat, for now, we art rivals!
I'll put all this together!
However... we still need the scene I mentioned above!
if its a balcony off the castle, that gives us a chance to include a Fleming reference!
There is a weather balloon [or elizabethan equivalent] marked with skull and cross-bones logo tethered to the rail. As Bond staggers back and forth during his death scene, he could stagger tantalizingly close a few times, then finally reach out and almost grab it, just as the enormous cannon balls (yon Great Balls of Fire) arrive and the stage goes white. When the remains of the stage comes back into view, he looks to where the weather balloon was and it's still there, but punctured and deflated. He could even try desperately to re-inflate it with is last dying breath!
I'm pretty sure they didn't have weather balloons back then, but I'm very sure they did have weather kites, especially in Asia. It would work in the plot the same way- James could grab the rope as the castle blows up, and Kissy could see him fall into the water and.... and... oh, right.... not that one...