Outside a gaol. A man in a traditional Japanese Noh mask walks towards ye entrance.
Safin (For it is he.):(Humming.) Lalala, I go off to work on Monday morning, Tuesday I go off to honeymoon, lalala, ah! Here ist ye gaoI I hast been looking for!
(Safin enters ye doorway. Moments later Apothecary Swann appears round a corner and also enters same doorway. Soon after, she enters her office waiting area.)
Secretary: Good morning and well met.
Apothecary Swann: And to you as well.
Secretary: Be not alarmed... a new patient awaits you. He is most odd.
Apothecary Swann: Most odd? Thou knowest very well and good that we must not say such things. That said... please elaborate!
Secretary: He wears black nail polish, left hand only. He wears ye most unusual set of protruding false teeth. And also a most unusual mask.
Apohecary Swann: Most odd indeed! I shall see him immediately.
(Madeleine enters her office proper. Safin is seated, playing with a strand of hair.)
Apothecary Swann: Please, allow me to tender my most sincere apologies for my tardiness. I did not know that I had any new patients coming today.
(Safin wraps up ye hair in a handkerchief, tucks it into his jacket.)
Safin: Mwummff mwummff mwumff mwumff
Apothecary Swann: But why dost thou wear a Traditional Japanese Noh Mask at all? Nobody in ye Audience of ye Globe Theatre even knowest the Isle of Japan exists, indeed I am surprised the Globe's Proppe Departmente shouldst have one!
Safin: Mwummff mwummff mwumff mwumff
Apothecary Swann: You know, I canst not understandeth a word thou doth say! Pray removeth thine traditional Japanese Noh mask so that I might comprehendeth thine speech!
(Safin removes ye traditional Japanese Noh mask, revealing ye face of a man of indeterminate age. He could be the age of Swann's late father, or only a few years older than Swann herself. It ist hard to tell as his face is hideously scarred, and his face is further disfigured by a set of enormous, near perpendicular buck teeth.)
Safin: (Spraying saliva in all directions as he speaks, like Sylvester ye Cat.) ash-thpllftt I wash-thpllftt thrying to sh-thpllfttt-ay, I thpllftt-ink thou sh-thpllftt-oudsh-pllftt take this glassshhh-thpllftt veshsh-thpllftt-el full of fleash-thpllftt insh-thpllftt-ide yonder prish-thpllftt-on sh-pllftt-ell and weweesh-pllftpllftpllft...
Apothecary Swann: (Wiping saliva off her nose.) I still canst not comprehendeth a word thou speaks! It is those enormous near perpendicular buck teeth! Perhaps thou wantest not a Psychoanalyst, but would prefer to visit ye Orthodontist who has his offyce next door?
(Safin suddenly realises ye problem, reaches to his mouth and removes a set of ridiculously oversized wooden dentures, looks at them, does a double take, and tosses them over his shoulder, wiping his hand on his tunic- note ye black fingernails on ye left hand.)
Safin: Dammit! I had forgotten to remove yonder proppe dentures after completing my much lauded role in mine previous play last month! Funny nobody said anything till this moment! ... ahem…. (Licks teeth just to be sure.) Now! Bwahahahahahh! As I was saying: I think thou should take this glass vessel full of fleas when thou goes later today to visit ye Comte de Blofeld...
Apothecary Swann: (Aside.) Good thing he didst not try to say Ernst Stavro! (Aloud.) Ye Comte de Blofeld?
Safin: Worry not, fair lady. And please accept mine apologies for surprising you. ‘Twas not mine intention.
Apothecary Swann: I enjoy surprises. Truly they are ye zest of life, are they not?
Safin: Just so. I must say, thine beauty ist astounding to behold. I did not expect such beauty from a psychotherapist. Thine beauty must endanger your clients?
Apothecary Swann: To me, no. To themselves, indeed this ist true.
(Safin observes ye plants over Apothecary Swann's shoulder.)
Safin: Lily of the valley... most beautiful. Is their presence here of thine making?
Apothecary Swann: Indeed. They are friendly to me.
Safin: Friendly… Pray, did you know that they can cause a sheer heart attack if you eat them?
Apothecary Swann: I was not aware of this. Art thou an expert of flowers?
Safin: Messenger from Seven Seas has flown...to tell the king of Rhye he's lost his throne. Wars will never cease, is there time enough for peace? But the lily of the valley doesn't know...
(He pauses.)
Safin: Mine father tended a personal garden. He shared his knowledge of flowers with me when I was much younger. He unfortunately died when I was very young. I maintained an interest in flowers to honour him.
Apothecary Swann: ‘Tis a difficult thing to lose a parent so young.
Safin: Truer words were never spoken. The effect it hast on children can be most devastating...as you should know.
Apothecary Swann: And what effect did it have on you?
Safin: An effect most severe.
(He pauses again.)
Safin: Did you know... I once saved a life? I can say with ye utmost confidence, that act had an even more severe effect.
Apothecary Swann: Indeed! Pray, explain.
Safin: The act of saving a life builds a connection most persuasive. An eternal connection that never dies. It's a kind of magic... one dream, one soul, one prize, one goal... a golden glance of what should be. They belong to you.
(Again, he pauses.)
Safin: But stop I must... I have not ye skill to converse about myself. Instead, I have brought with me a box of memories. To thee, this may have some interest.
(Madeleine takes ye box and opens it. Inside is... to her horror… a whoopee cushion. She recognizes it immediately and closes ye box in fear.)
Safin: I never forgot you, Sweet lady. Though it seems like we wait forever. Stay sweet, baby...believe and we've got everything we need.
(He pauses one final time.)
Safin: Truly, ‘tis a shock to see thee after so many years. You needed me then and you still need me today.
Apothecary Swann: What is it that you doth desire from me?
Safin: A simple thing, a favour. You know that you owe me.
Apothecary Swann: You ended the life of mine mother, you fiend.
Safin: And your father ended the life of mine entire family. Except for me. Life had just beguuuuuuun...
(Safin removes a vial from his jacket.)
Safin: Today, you are visiting ye Comte de Blofeld. When you see him, you must have open this vial of fleas. To thee, they shall cause no harm. To him... it shall be as if you put a gun against his head, pulled a trigger... now he's dead. Thou art ye only person whom I can entrust with such a task.
Apothecary Swann: I must decline most strongly.
Safin: You must. If you do not, I shall be forced to end ye life of ye person that you value the most in this world.
Apothecary Swann: Brad Pitt?
Safin: No, I would never kill him.
Apothecary Swann: I've already lost everyone else in my life that I cherish.
Safin: Liar! Nobody believes you! You make me sad, dear Madeleine, as we both know that this is not a true statement.
(Safin looks out the window.)
Safin: It's a beautiful day... the sun is shining. I feel good, I feel right. And no-one's gonna stop me now.
Backtracking to the last (I think) missing scene from Part One, this is by Westward Drift and me:
(Sir James, having been guided by a young man, stands at ye tomb of Lady Lynd. A likeness of her taken from “The Dreamers” (selected by Number24, but banned from being displayed here by Barbel.) stands above ye inscription:
The Lady Lynd
Vesper Lolita Emmeline Lilli Violet Ivy
Emotionally, Sir James begins his Soliloquy at ye Tomb of Lady Lynd.)
Sir James: Sweet Vesper
Skewered was I when first we talked
Of schools, and charity, and parents lost
You thought me cold-hearted, and yet
I would love thee whatever the cost
We played our parts, we did it so well
We acted in a play, or maybe a farce
And in time I learned to love your face
As well as your perfectly formed-
(There ist a sudden explosion. Sir James is thrown back, pieces of stone miraculously missing him. His ears ringing, he spots a card on ye ground. It is ye dreaded Spectre Junior League Symbol.)
Sir James: Ye dreaded Spectre Junior League Symbol! All ist now clear to me! Madeleine….
thanks @Gymkata . I'm reluctant to tamper, but since I know you know your Queen, you know theres the one line Roger Taylor sings that could be adapted to Bond reluctantly accepting Safin's terms, and much of the surrounding verse would be perfect for a villain going over the top and revelling in moment of evil triumph
basically this whole bit, could maybe follow Bond telling Safin he's a loony (whatever that actual quote from the film was):
"I reign with my left hand, I rule with my right
I'm lord of all darkness, I'm queen of the night
I've got the power
Now do the march of the black queen
.
My life is in your hands, I'll fo and I'll fie
I'll be what you make me, I'll do what you like
I'll be a bad boy, I'll be your bad boy
I'll do the march of the black queen"
I think Roger Taylor only sings the first line of the second verse but the whole verse would be appropriate to Bond appearing to surrender (a very controversial moment in the film if you read some of the online arguments)
then the StarGazer could finally be allowed to take his killer lute solo.
I dont know, lets just think about it for now. We've got a long way to go before we have to wrap up the final Acte, and more than a few overlapping ideas. And we want to write a better final Acte than EON did! I already think our first two Actes are much better.
Amazon's probably going to hire us to take over the franchise.
good gosh @Barbel I cant believe you managed to merge those two versions! You are one good Head Writer!
I was going to suggest scrapping all I wrote except the Seaside Rendezvous gag, and I'd post my scrapped dialog in Imaginary Conversations as an OutTake/Deleted Scene to promote and generate interest in the upcoming Playe.
Thats a very good idea by the way. As we work our way forwards and realise there some bits we cant fit in, we should repurpose them as OutTake/Deleted Scenes and use them to promote the finished Playe. That in itself is improving on EON who filmed three endings to this new film and didnt include either of the unused endings as DVD bonus tracks, the stingy cheapskates!
by the way I had some ideas how to render a killer lute solo.
Like the bubonic plague sequence, we could cover it with dialog amongst onlookers, specifically our rowdy audience. They could compare and contrast the StarGazer's lute playing style versus the other great lute players of the Elizabethan era, as the solo is noodling along in the background..
For example
(the StarGazer steps to centre stage wielding his lute, and all other Players fall silent and step back into the darkness. The StarGazer begins strumming, and continues, and continues some more, it is an epic noodly killer lute solo. The lute fanatics in the Rowdy Audience are all amazed and begin to debate what they are hearing.)
"is he as good as Zoso of Page?" " well Zoso's an Occultist of course, that's very square in this new era. Whereas the StarGazer observes the movement of the objects in the heavens and derives a theory of the universe from first principals, like that fellow the Pope just had put to death. Therefor the StarGazer is a Heretic, much more radical than a boring old Occultist ." "yeh, my parents are into the Occult, so pre-Renaissance, all the cool kids are into Heresy." "yeh Heresy rules!"
"But what of Gilmour of Cambridge?" "oh you mean Floyde who art Pink? aw, you've got to be on rye ergot to listen to the weird noises he makes on his pedal steel lute!" "speaking of which, this is some awesome mouldy bread, isnt it?" "oh, wowww, I'm totally seeing Bosch-like visions superimposed on top of tonight's performance!" [if the joke is obscure, LSD was derived from rye ergot found in mouldy bread, and several outbreaks of mass hysteria in the middle ages are speculated to have been caused by hallucinogens naturally occurring in mouldy bread]
"oh wait the killer lute solo's coming to an end, I think there's finally going to be some more dialog in this Playe"
..and in that goes, too. Yes, that's the right approach (again) and if someone doesn't get any of the references, we plough ahead anyway.
Absolutely we reuse any outtakes, putting them in Imaginary Conversations. And that works the other way too, of course. I've already rephrased one from that thread and put it here (see "Inventing The Wheel").
thanks @Barbel I'm sure you appreciate the debates over musicianship. Zoso of Page and Gilmour of Cambridge probably arent the best Eizabethanised names for those two, so maybe someone can do better. but the word/graphic Zoso is supposed to be one of Jimmy Page's occult references, and Gilmour was from Cambridge (as were Waters and Barrett) which still looks like a city from the Elizabethan era if not earlier, from all the photos I've seen (by the way, personally I'm on team Gilmour)
if we can sneak in a joke about audience members consuming mouldy bread as a recreational hallucinogen before the show, then maybe as the show ends and the audience exits the same two Rowdies can say
"woah, that was one messed up Playe. It made no sense, I actually thought I saw Sir James die at the end! But of course that never happens in any of these Playes, does it?"
"Y'know, thats what I thought happened too! That cant be right, must be us who got too messed up. I tell you one thing, I am never eating mouldy bread before one of these playes again!"
@caractacus potts I have already written a Madeline/Mathilde epilogue with an audience reaction. Per @Barbel I am waiting a bit to post it. I think I can work in your Rowdy audience members.
I'm intrigued! I get why you're holding back, @Barbel 's already overwhelmed with what we've written so far, and we're moving into some of the more boring confusing parts of the story, we really need to slog through that first.
But on the other hand, if we have ideas for upcoming scenes and dont post them, we're each going to start thinking up our own versions. for example, I thought of an injoke where Madeleine and Mathilde are interrupted by their next door neighbour from Number 24 Frozen Lake lane asking for an autograph. I may yet submit that as a proposed outtake, just to tease him, but its not good enough for the actual Playe.
did I post upthread my idea for the job applicants outside M's door as he delivers the toast in the first epilog? kind of an obvious gag that could be expanded, or left as a quickie. We probably need more jokes that only take three or four lines!
that could be a never ending rabbit hole! my proposed gag is already a lengthy digression that has absolutely nothing to do with James Bond! but if we're all music nerds maybe others will find this digression funny too (and more interesting than whatever Safin's evil plan is).
I'm not so familiar with those others. can you think of Elizabethan type gags for any of them? or just maybe I could add that exact list of names as youve written. The ones who are easy to Elizabethan-ify are best, a lot of the prog rockers and heavy metal types used a lot of Ye Olden Dayes type imagery. Blues rockers don't fit the context so easily.
I like the idea Brian May is a scientist in real life and therefor would be considered a Heretic at the time of this Playe. I can almost imagine a Robert Fripp joke along those lines (what is he doing with his overly mathematical lute patterns, co-inventing Calculus?), but its not funny and even further down the rabbit hole.
actually why not move through the London and Norway scenes as quick as possible, if others also find those scenes boring?
no more line by line transcriptions, or extended digressions. Just real quick scenes that make one joke per scene (be it satirical or stoopid) and include the plot point, then we can get to the Villains Headquarters stuff which we all seem to have ideas for.
unless somebody has real good ideas for those scenes. @Barbel said he had an idea for the big Blofeld scene. But the repeated visits to Q's apartment, the mushy relationship stuff at Madeleine's house, and even maybe that Norway chase, I'm not seeing a lot of comedic potential worth wasting a lot of additional text on.
Combine all the Norway stuff to the interior of Madeline's house. Bond meets his daughter, realizes danger is on the way after learning of Safin's castle, Logan of Ash and Safin attack. Logan of Ashe is killed but Safin escapes with Madeline and Mathilde.
We do have to cover the Q apartment scene, and I'll deal with that.
We do have to have Sir James reporting back to M, calling him out about the fleas (we haven't used the name Heracles, Sir J saw Mallory's name inside the Annoying Little Alchemists satchel) + how much he's drinking. I don't want to do this one.
We do have to have the Comte de Blofeld scene including Sir J remeeting Madeleine. I'll do it if nobody else wants to but would prefer someone else.
We do have to have the Comte de Blofeld scene including Sir J remeeting Madeleine. I'll do it if nobody else wants to but would prefer someone else.
oh I thought you said you had an idea! that's the best scene in that whole stretch, so much happens, so much to joke about. Blofeld could complain his part is so small in this adventure and Bond tells him thats because everybody agreed he'd stunk up the last adventure (but in more Shakespearian language)
"by god you're thirsty right now!" must have some comic potential.
as for the Norway scenes, the important thing is the introduction of Bond's daughter. I cant think of anything specific, but a toddler is always funny.
at one point Mathilde could interrupt some arguments or exposition with a childish joke and Madeleine says "quiet, dear, the Grownups are talking". This would work best if the grownups dialog was getting especially ridiculous at that point (eg the Grownups dialog has degenerated into a sequence of puns, digressions, absurd Cleese-ian arguments, and/or metafictional fourth wall breaking, the more unGrownup the better the cute childish interruption),
when I've tried to write Mathilde dialog elsewhere I've used lots of W's (for R's and L's) and TH's (for S's), to represent childish diction. not sure how that would transpose to shakespearian.
also the fact Mathilde is unfazed by the carchase and all the violence I think is funny. Some others said that was a mistake in the film, but I believe if she's the great James Bond's daughter that means she's inherited a gene for adventure.
for example here's a stoopid joke I wrote in another thread.
__________________
Madeleine would be driving Mathilde to school over that cool bridge every morning, and Mathilde would be saying "I wemember when your fwend dwove the Wange Wover over this same bwidge and der was hewicopters chasing us! Whee, that was fun mommy! Can we do that again? Can we, pwease mommy?"
__________________
that specific line wouldnt work here, because the idea was for potential plots in Bond26 now that Bond is dead, we were discussing a new series where Mathilde has exciting adventures in the first grade. But thats how I imagine her talking, and her attitude to danger.
in Casino Royale (the "funny" version) Sir James Bond has a daughter named Mata, whose education he has paid for ("is that how they taught you to speak at that fancy boarding school I sent you to?" "now, I taught 'em!"). Mata could be a short form for Mathlde.
Thanks! All fine! I'll work on those later. Right now, too busy to do anything but I will definitely get to it, esp the scene where Maid Moneypenny and Sir James call on ye Young Wizard.
for cheap zany old-school comic effect, when 007 is summoned and both try to enter...
could they both attempt to walk through the doorway at the same time, wedge shoulders against the doorframe and each other so neither can move further, then glare at each other realising theyre both stuck "what makes you think he meant you, geriatric?" "what makes you think he meant you, whippersnapper?", before it is clarified which 007 is actually meant?
thats an old physical comedy gag, it could be rendered better than I just did, and should slip neatly between lines in @Gymkata 's dialog
Ye dwelling of ye Young Wizard. He is happily stirring pots of food, and ye table is set for two with candles and wine. There is a knock on ye door.
Young Wizard: So soon? I didst think I had another twenty minutes.
(He pushes aside two bald cats and a bear with a red hat and a blue coat then answers ye door, to find Sir James and Maid Moneypenny who brusquely enter.)
Sir James: Greetings, Young Wizard, I have missed thee.
Moneypenny: Greetings, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Naught Naught Sev- I mean, Sir James! I had thought thee retired, or mayhap dead at ye hands of Spectre.
Sir James: Aye, well, that ist exactly what I am here about. And Spectre shalt be doing no more killing, of anybody.
Young Wizard: I prithee, another time. I am expecting a guest- he shalt be here soon.
Sir James: Ah, wine.
(He pours two glasses for himself and Maid Moneypenny.)
Young Wizard: Touch ye not! That ist for mine meal!
Moneypenny: Cheers, Sir James.
Sir James: Bottoms up.
(They drink.)
Young Wizard: Do not touch that!
Moneypenny: Young Wizard, we do require a look in thine crystal ball.
Young Wizard: Now? Canst I not have one nice evening?
Sir James: ‘Tis most urgent. And Maid Moneypenny, I prithee, may I have another glass of yon wine?
Moneypenny: Of course.
Young Wizard: I prithee, not ye wine! He shalt be here any minute!
Moneypenny: (Pouring.) Here thou art, Sir James.
Sir James: I thank ye.
Moneypenny: Now, let us make room on ye table for ye Young Wizard’s crystal ball.
Young Wizard: Oh, not ye table! It did take me hours to get it perfect like that!
Sir James: Now, if I just put ye crystal ball here…
Young Wizard: Oh I prithee, not there! Do not disturb ye flowers!
Sir James: Now, Young Wizard, look into thine crystal ball…. Tell me what you see about Spectre and fleas.
Young Wizard: (Suspicious.) Fleas? Art thou here with permission of M?
Moneypenny: Most definitely not.
Young Wizard: I canst not tell ye. I see nothing, I know nothing.
Sir James: Look, Wizard, many have died on account of these fleas and many more will die unless ye help us!
Young Wizard: …Well… I see that all of Spectre are now dead.
Sir James: Not quite all.
Young Wizard: Nay, ‘tis true. I see ye Comte de Blofeld. He lives, imprisoned in gaol.
Moneypenny: And what else?
Young Wizard: I see that many more will die, including…
Sir James: Aye?
Young Wizard: Including all of us who pay allegiance to Sir Gareth!
Moneypenny: More wine?
Sir James: Aye, I do think so.
Young Wizard: Oh nay, I prithee-
(There is a knock on ye door.)
Sir James: ‘Twould be best if thou do answer it, methinks?
Moneypenny: Aye, best not keep William waiting.
(Ye Young Wizard opens ye door, to find William Of Tanner with a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a bottle of wine in ye other.)
Tanner: Ah… hello.
Young Wizard: (Shocked.) Ye did know?
Moneypenny: Of course we knew.
Sir James: What we did not know was that it was supposed to be a secret!
Bravo Barbel. I wouldst change it to magic carriages or coaches. Otherwise just spectacular. I see we will continue the practice of James about to say something rude only to be interrupted by an explosive or a person.
I suggest the same at the end when Sir James perishes. Keep the classic comedy three beat.
Comments
caractacus and Gymkata:
Outside a gaol. A man in a traditional Japanese Noh mask walks towards ye entrance.
Safin (For it is he.): (Humming.) Lalala, I go off to work on Monday morning, Tuesday I go off to honeymoon, lalala, ah! Here ist ye gaoI I hast been looking for!
(Safin enters ye doorway. Moments later Apothecary Swann appears round a corner and also enters same doorway. Soon after, she enters her office waiting area.)
Secretary: Good morning and well met.
Apothecary Swann: And to you as well.
Secretary: Be not alarmed... a new patient awaits you. He is most odd.
Apothecary Swann: Most odd? Thou knowest very well and good that we must not say such things. That said... please elaborate!
Secretary: He wears black nail polish, left hand only. He wears ye most unusual set of protruding false teeth. And also a most unusual mask.
Apohecary Swann: Most odd indeed! I shall see him immediately.
(Madeleine enters her office proper. Safin is seated, playing with a strand of hair.)
Apothecary Swann: Please, allow me to tender my most sincere apologies for my tardiness. I did not know that I had any new patients coming today.
(Safin wraps up ye hair in a handkerchief, tucks it into his jacket.)
Safin: Mwummff mwummff mwumff mwumff
Apothecary Swann: But why dost thou wear a Traditional Japanese Noh Mask at all? Nobody in ye Audience of ye Globe Theatre even knowest the Isle of Japan exists, indeed I am surprised the Globe's Proppe Departmente shouldst have one!
Safin: Mwummff mwummff mwumff mwumff
Apothecary Swann: You know, I canst not understandeth a word thou doth say! Pray removeth thine traditional Japanese Noh mask so that I might comprehendeth thine speech!
(Safin removes ye traditional Japanese Noh mask, revealing ye face of a man of indeterminate age. He could be the age of Swann's late father, or only a few years older than Swann herself. It ist hard to tell as his face is hideously scarred, and his face is further disfigured by a set of enormous, near perpendicular buck teeth.)
Safin: (Spraying saliva in all directions as he speaks, like Sylvester ye Cat.) ash-thpllftt I wash-thpllftt thrying to sh-thpllfttt-ay, I thpllftt-ink thou sh-thpllftt-oudsh-pllftt take this glassshhh-thpllftt veshsh-thpllftt-el full of fleash-thpllftt insh-thpllftt-ide yonder prish-thpllftt-on sh-pllftt-ell and weweesh-pllftpllftpllft...
Apothecary Swann: (Wiping saliva off her nose.) I still canst not comprehendeth a word thou speaks! It is those enormous near perpendicular buck teeth! Perhaps thou wantest not a Psychoanalyst, but would prefer to visit ye Orthodontist who has his offyce next door?
(Safin suddenly realises ye problem, reaches to his mouth and removes a set of ridiculously oversized wooden dentures, looks at them, does a double take, and tosses them over his shoulder, wiping his hand on his tunic- note ye black fingernails on ye left hand.)
Safin: Dammit! I had forgotten to remove yonder proppe dentures after completing my much lauded role in mine previous play last month! Funny nobody said anything till this moment! ... ahem…. (Licks teeth just to be sure.) Now! Bwahahahahahh! As I was saying: I think thou should take this glass vessel full of fleas when thou goes later today to visit ye Comte de Blofeld...
Apothecary Swann: (Aside.) Good thing he didst not try to say Ernst Stavro! (Aloud.) Ye Comte de Blofeld?
Safin: Worry not, fair lady. And please accept mine apologies for surprising you. ‘Twas not mine intention.
Apothecary Swann: I enjoy surprises. Truly they are ye zest of life, are they not?
Safin: Just so. I must say, thine beauty ist astounding to behold. I did not expect such beauty from a psychotherapist. Thine beauty must endanger your clients?
Apothecary Swann: To me, no. To themselves, indeed this ist true.
(Safin observes ye plants over Apothecary Swann's shoulder.)
Safin: Lily of the valley... most beautiful. Is their presence here of thine making?
Apothecary Swann: Indeed. They are friendly to me.
Safin: Friendly… Pray, did you know that they can cause a sheer heart attack if you eat them?
Apothecary Swann: I was not aware of this. Art thou an expert of flowers?
Safin: Messenger from Seven Seas has flown...to tell the king of Rhye he's lost his throne. Wars will never cease, is there time enough for peace? But the lily of the valley doesn't know...
(He pauses.)
Safin: Mine father tended a personal garden. He shared his knowledge of flowers with me when I was much younger. He unfortunately died when I was very young. I maintained an interest in flowers to honour him.
Apothecary Swann: ‘Tis a difficult thing to lose a parent so young.
Safin: Truer words were never spoken. The effect it hast on children can be most devastating...as you should know.
Apothecary Swann: And what effect did it have on you?
Safin: An effect most severe.
(He pauses again.)
Safin: Did you know... I once saved a life? I can say with ye utmost confidence, that act had an even more severe effect.
Apothecary Swann: Indeed! Pray, explain.
Safin: The act of saving a life builds a connection most persuasive. An eternal connection that never dies. It's a kind of magic... one dream, one soul, one prize, one goal... a golden glance of what should be. They belong to you.
(Again, he pauses.)
Safin: But stop I must... I have not ye skill to converse about myself. Instead, I have brought with me a box of memories. To thee, this may have some interest.
(Madeleine takes ye box and opens it. Inside is... to her horror… a whoopee cushion. She recognizes it immediately and closes ye box in fear.)
Safin: I never forgot you, Sweet lady. Though it seems like we wait forever. Stay sweet, baby...believe and we've got everything we need.
(He pauses one final time.)
Safin: Truly, ‘tis a shock to see thee after so many years. You needed me then and you still need me today.
Apothecary Swann: What is it that you doth desire from me?
Safin: A simple thing, a favour. You know that you owe me.
Apothecary Swann: You ended the life of mine mother, you fiend.
Safin: And your father ended the life of mine entire family. Except for me. Life had just beguuuuuuun...
(Safin removes a vial from his jacket.)
Safin: Today, you are visiting ye Comte de Blofeld. When you see him, you must have open this vial of fleas. To thee, they shall cause no harm. To him... it shall be as if you put a gun against his head, pulled a trigger... now he's dead. Thou art ye only person whom I can entrust with such a task.
Apothecary Swann: I must decline most strongly.
Safin: You must. If you do not, I shall be forced to end ye life of ye person that you value the most in this world.
Apothecary Swann: Brad Pitt?
Safin: No, I would never kill him.
Apothecary Swann: I've already lost everyone else in my life that I cherish.
Safin: Liar! Nobody believes you! You make me sad, dear Madeleine, as we both know that this is not a true statement.
(Safin looks out the window.)
Safin: It's a beautiful day... the sun is shining. I feel good, I feel right. And no-one's gonna stop me now.
Backtracking to the last (I think) missing scene from Part One, this is by Westward Drift and me:
(Sir James, having been guided by a young man, stands at ye tomb of Lady Lynd. A likeness of her taken from “The Dreamers” (selected by Number24, but banned from being displayed here by Barbel.) stands above ye inscription:
The Lady Lynd
Vesper Lolita Emmeline Lilli Violet Ivy
Emotionally, Sir James begins his Soliloquy at ye Tomb of Lady Lynd.)
Sir James: Sweet Vesper
Skewered was I when first we talked
Of schools, and charity, and parents lost
You thought me cold-hearted, and yet
I would love thee whatever the cost
We played our parts, we did it so well
We acted in a play, or maybe a farce
And in time I learned to love your face
As well as your perfectly formed-
(There ist a sudden explosion. Sir James is thrown back, pieces of stone miraculously missing him. His ears ringing, he spots a card on ye ground. It is ye dreaded Spectre Junior League Symbol.)
Sir James: Ye dreaded Spectre Junior League Symbol! All ist now clear to me! Madeleine….
(He begins to run.)
thanks @Gymkata . I'm reluctant to tamper, but since I know you know your Queen, you know theres the one line Roger Taylor sings that could be adapted to Bond reluctantly accepting Safin's terms, and much of the surrounding verse would be perfect for a villain going over the top and revelling in moment of evil triumph
basically this whole bit, could maybe follow Bond telling Safin he's a loony (whatever that actual quote from the film was):
"I reign with my left hand, I rule with my right
I'm lord of all darkness, I'm queen of the night
I've got the power
Now do the march of the black queen
.
My life is in your hands, I'll fo and I'll fie
I'll be what you make me, I'll do what you like
I'll be a bad boy, I'll be your bad boy
I'll do the march of the black queen"
I think Roger Taylor only sings the first line of the second verse but the whole verse would be appropriate to Bond appearing to surrender (a very controversial moment in the film if you read some of the online arguments)
then the StarGazer could finally be allowed to take his killer lute solo.
I dont know, lets just think about it for now. We've got a long way to go before we have to wrap up the final Acte, and more than a few overlapping ideas. And we want to write a better final Acte than EON did! I already think our first two Actes are much better.
Amazon's probably going to hire us to take over the franchise.
good gosh @Barbel I cant believe you managed to merge those two versions! You are one good Head Writer!
I was going to suggest scrapping all I wrote except the Seaside Rendezvous gag, and I'd post my scrapped dialog in Imaginary Conversations as an OutTake/Deleted Scene to promote and generate interest in the upcoming Playe.
Thats a very good idea by the way. As we work our way forwards and realise there some bits we cant fit in, we should repurpose them as OutTake/Deleted Scenes and use them to promote the finished Playe. That in itself is improving on EON who filmed three endings to this new film and didnt include either of the unused endings as DVD bonus tracks, the stingy cheapskates!
by the way I had some ideas how to render a killer lute solo.
Like the bubonic plague sequence, we could cover it with dialog amongst onlookers, specifically our rowdy audience. They could compare and contrast the StarGazer's lute playing style versus the other great lute players of the Elizabethan era, as the solo is noodling along in the background..
For example
(the StarGazer steps to centre stage wielding his lute, and all other Players fall silent and step back into the darkness. The StarGazer begins strumming, and continues, and continues some more, it is an epic noodly killer lute solo. The lute fanatics in the Rowdy Audience are all amazed and begin to debate what they are hearing.)
"is he as good as Zoso of Page?" " well Zoso's an Occultist of course, that's very square in this new era. Whereas the StarGazer observes the movement of the objects in the heavens and derives a theory of the universe from first principals, like that fellow the Pope just had put to death. Therefor the StarGazer is a Heretic, much more radical than a boring old Occultist ." "yeh, my parents are into the Occult, so pre-Renaissance, all the cool kids are into Heresy." "yeh Heresy rules!"
"But what of Gilmour of Cambridge?" "oh you mean Floyde who art Pink? aw, you've got to be on rye ergot to listen to the weird noises he makes on his pedal steel lute!" "speaking of which, this is some awesome mouldy bread, isnt it?" "oh, wowww, I'm totally seeing Bosch-like visions superimposed on top of tonight's performance!" [if the joke is obscure, LSD was derived from rye ergot found in mouldy bread, and several outbreaks of mass hysteria in the middle ages are speculated to have been caused by hallucinogens naturally occurring in mouldy bread]
"oh wait the killer lute solo's coming to an end, I think there's finally going to be some more dialog in this Playe"
..and in that goes, too. Yes, that's the right approach (again) and if someone doesn't get any of the references, we plough ahead anyway.
Absolutely we reuse any outtakes, putting them in Imaginary Conversations. And that works the other way too, of course. I've already rephrased one from that thread and put it here (see "Inventing The Wheel").
thanks @Barbel I'm sure you appreciate the debates over musicianship. Zoso of Page and Gilmour of Cambridge probably arent the best Eizabethanised names for those two, so maybe someone can do better. but the word/graphic Zoso is supposed to be one of Jimmy Page's occult references, and Gilmour was from Cambridge (as were Waters and Barrett) which still looks like a city from the Elizabethan era if not earlier, from all the photos I've seen (by the way, personally I'm on team Gilmour)
if we can sneak in a joke about audience members consuming mouldy bread as a recreational hallucinogen before the show, then maybe as the show ends and the audience exits the same two Rowdies can say
"woah, that was one messed up Playe. It made no sense, I actually thought I saw Sir James die at the end! But of course that never happens in any of these Playes, does it?"
"Y'know, thats what I thought happened too! That cant be right, must be us who got too messed up. I tell you one thing, I am never eating mouldy bread before one of these playes again!"
I'll take a look at it later- earlier stuff first, I think.
Yes, I got the Page and Floyd jokes. Hope younger readers get them too!
@caractacus potts I have already written a Madeline/Mathilde epilogue with an audience reaction. Per @Barbel I am waiting a bit to post it. I think I can work in your Rowdy audience members.
I'm intrigued! I get why you're holding back, @Barbel 's already overwhelmed with what we've written so far, and we're moving into some of the more boring confusing parts of the story, we really need to slog through that first.
But on the other hand, if we have ideas for upcoming scenes and dont post them, we're each going to start thinking up our own versions. for example, I thought of an injoke where Madeleine and Mathilde are interrupted by their next door neighbour from Number 24 Frozen Lake lane asking for an autograph. I may yet submit that as a proposed outtake, just to tease him, but its not good enough for the actual Playe.
did I post upthread my idea for the job applicants outside M's door as he delivers the toast in the first epilog? kind of an obvious gag that could be expanded, or left as a quickie. We probably need more jokes that only take three or four lines!
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EDIT: here it is post 2605
a quick gag that ends the first epilog, the actual toast remains to be written.
People here do love to speculate on who will be the next Bond, so this sort of gag will please that faction of the audience.
that could be a never ending rabbit hole! my proposed gag is already a lengthy digression that has absolutely nothing to do with James Bond! but if we're all music nerds maybe others will find this digression funny too (and more interesting than whatever Safin's evil plan is).
I'm not so familiar with those others. can you think of Elizabethan type gags for any of them? or just maybe I could add that exact list of names as youve written. The ones who are easy to Elizabethan-ify are best, a lot of the prog rockers and heavy metal types used a lot of Ye Olden Dayes type imagery. Blues rockers don't fit the context so easily.
I like the idea Brian May is a scientist in real life and therefor would be considered a Heretic at the time of this Playe. I can almost imagine a Robert Fripp joke along those lines (what is he doing with his overly mathematical lute patterns, co-inventing Calculus?), but its not funny and even further down the rabbit hole.
actually why not move through the London and Norway scenes as quick as possible, if others also find those scenes boring?
no more line by line transcriptions, or extended digressions. Just real quick scenes that make one joke per scene (be it satirical or stoopid) and include the plot point, then we can get to the Villains Headquarters stuff which we all seem to have ideas for.
unless somebody has real good ideas for those scenes. @Barbel said he had an idea for the big Blofeld scene. But the repeated visits to Q's apartment, the mushy relationship stuff at Madeleine's house, and even maybe that Norway chase, I'm not seeing a lot of comedic potential worth wasting a lot of additional text on.
Combine all the Norway stuff to the interior of Madeline's house. Bond meets his daughter, realizes danger is on the way after learning of Safin's castle, Logan of Ash and Safin attack. Logan of Ashe is killed but Safin escapes with Madeline and Mathilde.
We do have to cover the Q apartment scene, and I'll deal with that.
We do have to have Sir James reporting back to M, calling him out about the fleas (we haven't used the name Heracles, Sir J saw Mallory's name inside the Annoying Little Alchemists satchel) + how much he's drinking. I don't want to do this one.
We do have to have the Comte de Blofeld scene including Sir J remeeting Madeleine. I'll do it if nobody else wants to but would prefer someone else.
Just to say you're all doing great stuff, guys, I'm only trying to keep some order.
barbel sez:
We do have to have the Comte de Blofeld scene including Sir J remeeting Madeleine. I'll do it if nobody else wants to but would prefer someone else.
oh I thought you said you had an idea! that's the best scene in that whole stretch, so much happens, so much to joke about. Blofeld could complain his part is so small in this adventure and Bond tells him thats because everybody agreed he'd stunk up the last adventure (but in more Shakespearian language)
"by god you're thirsty right now!" must have some comic potential.
as for the Norway scenes, the important thing is the introduction of Bond's daughter. I cant think of anything specific, but a toddler is always funny.
at one point Mathilde could interrupt some arguments or exposition with a childish joke and Madeleine says "quiet, dear, the Grownups are talking". This would work best if the grownups dialog was getting especially ridiculous at that point (eg the Grownups dialog has degenerated into a sequence of puns, digressions, absurd Cleese-ian arguments, and/or metafictional fourth wall breaking, the more unGrownup the better the cute childish interruption),
when I've tried to write Mathilde dialog elsewhere I've used lots of W's (for R's and L's) and TH's (for S's), to represent childish diction. not sure how that would transpose to shakespearian.
also the fact Mathilde is unfazed by the carchase and all the violence I think is funny. Some others said that was a mistake in the film, but I believe if she's the great James Bond's daughter that means she's inherited a gene for adventure.
for example here's a stoopid joke I wrote in another thread.
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Madeleine would be driving Mathilde to school over that cool bridge every morning, and Mathilde would be saying "I wemember when your fwend dwove the Wange Wover over this same bwidge and der was hewicopters chasing us! Whee, that was fun mommy! Can we do that again? Can we, pwease mommy?"
__________________
that specific line wouldnt work here, because the idea was for potential plots in Bond26 now that Bond is dead, we were discussing a new series where Mathilde has exciting adventures in the first grade. But thats how I imagine her talking, and her attitude to danger.
also don't forget this strange "coincidence"
in Casino Royale (the "funny" version) Sir James Bond has a daughter named Mata, whose education he has paid for ("is that how they taught you to speak at that fancy boarding school I sent you to?" "now, I taught 'em!"). Mata could be a short form for Mathlde.
=
Thanks! All fine! I'll work on those later. Right now, too busy to do anything but I will definitely get to it, esp the scene where Maid Moneypenny and Sir James call on ye Young Wizard.
Yes, I'll enjoy doing that. Tonight, though, I can't. It's Bride Of Barbels birthday and I can't sit typing happily away like I normally would.
for cheap zany old-school comic effect, when 007 is summoned and both try to enter...
could they both attempt to walk through the doorway at the same time, wedge shoulders against the doorframe and each other so neither can move further, then glare at each other realising theyre both stuck "what makes you think he meant you, geriatric?" "what makes you think he meant you, whippersnapper?", before it is clarified which 007 is actually meant?
thats an old physical comedy gag, it could be rendered better than I just did, and should slip neatly between lines in @Gymkata 's dialog
Right, I had a few minutes so...
Ye dwelling of ye Young Wizard. He is happily stirring pots of food, and ye table is set for two with candles and wine. There is a knock on ye door.
Young Wizard: So soon? I didst think I had another twenty minutes.
(He pushes aside two bald cats and a bear with a red hat and a blue coat then answers ye door, to find Sir James and Maid Moneypenny who brusquely enter.)
Sir James: Greetings, Young Wizard, I have missed thee.
Moneypenny: Greetings, Young Wizard.
Young Wizard: Naught Naught Sev- I mean, Sir James! I had thought thee retired, or mayhap dead at ye hands of Spectre.
Sir James: Aye, well, that ist exactly what I am here about. And Spectre shalt be doing no more killing, of anybody.
Young Wizard: I prithee, another time. I am expecting a guest- he shalt be here soon.
Sir James: Ah, wine.
(He pours two glasses for himself and Maid Moneypenny.)
Young Wizard: Touch ye not! That ist for mine meal!
Moneypenny: Cheers, Sir James.
Sir James: Bottoms up.
(They drink.)
Young Wizard: Do not touch that!
Moneypenny: Young Wizard, we do require a look in thine crystal ball.
Young Wizard: Now? Canst I not have one nice evening?
Sir James: ‘Tis most urgent. And Maid Moneypenny, I prithee, may I have another glass of yon wine?
Moneypenny: Of course.
Young Wizard: I prithee, not ye wine! He shalt be here any minute!
Moneypenny: (Pouring.) Here thou art, Sir James.
Sir James: I thank ye.
Moneypenny: Now, let us make room on ye table for ye Young Wizard’s crystal ball.
Young Wizard: Oh, not ye table! It did take me hours to get it perfect like that!
Sir James: Now, if I just put ye crystal ball here…
Young Wizard: Oh I prithee, not there! Do not disturb ye flowers!
Sir James: Now, Young Wizard, look into thine crystal ball…. Tell me what you see about Spectre and fleas.
Young Wizard: (Suspicious.) Fleas? Art thou here with permission of M?
Moneypenny: Most definitely not.
Young Wizard: I canst not tell ye. I see nothing, I know nothing.
Sir James: Look, Wizard, many have died on account of these fleas and many more will die unless ye help us!
Young Wizard: …Well… I see that all of Spectre are now dead.
Sir James: Not quite all.
Young Wizard: Nay, ‘tis true. I see ye Comte de Blofeld. He lives, imprisoned in gaol.
Moneypenny: And what else?
Young Wizard: I see that many more will die, including…
Sir James: Aye?
Young Wizard: Including all of us who pay allegiance to Sir Gareth!
Moneypenny: More wine?
Sir James: Aye, I do think so.
Young Wizard: Oh nay, I prithee-
(There is a knock on ye door.)
Sir James: ‘Twould be best if thou do answer it, methinks?
Moneypenny: Aye, best not keep William waiting.
(Ye Young Wizard opens ye door, to find William Of Tanner with a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a bottle of wine in ye other.)
Tanner: Ah… hello.
Young Wizard: (Shocked.) Ye did know?
Moneypenny: Of course we knew.
Sir James: What we did not know was that it was supposed to be a secret!
It comes to this, I stand alone
My name no longer always known
From one too young to know the facts
Of how I saved the world from Drax
And Stromberg too, the list is long
In words and pictures, on and on
Great tales of battles, thrills and shocks
Inside volcanoes and Fort Knox
Of magic cars, and climbs and falls
And one who died to scratch my-
(Enter Maid Moneypenny)
Moneypenny: Sir James, there thou art!
that is so much better than anything in the actual film
Bravo Barbel. I wouldst change it to magic carriages or coaches. Otherwise just spectacular. I see we will continue the practice of James about to say something rude only to be interrupted by an explosive or a person.
I suggest the same at the end when Sir James perishes. Keep the classic comedy three beat.
Thank you all, guys, much appreciated.
Westward, "carriages" doesn't scan, unfortunately.
Everyone ok with the scene above in the Young Wizards place? If so, we can move on
Seems my mind is stuck in this area, so-
Sir James on finding out about Mathilde
It's as if all my life has been shaken
And stirred with a children-sized spoon
It's as if all the values I cling to
Have flown away, raking the moon
From now on there's no "me", it's just "us"
And I'd lay down my life for her love
For this now I know, and for certain
All the time in the world's not enough
Dammit man, you have the making of a poet.
Thanks!
@Barbel I think youre definitely going to have to be the one who comes up with Bond's final words