see thats the other "plothole" in the film I cant figure out.
Palmer doesnt tell Dalby where he's going.
He does tell Jean, and as soons he's gone we see Jean phone Ross, so Ross knows.
Then Dalby and Ross meet in the park to discuss Palmer, and we know Ross knows but he quite conspicuously doe not tell Dalby.
so who gives the order to kidnap Harry from the train?
and note: although unspoken, Ross has suspected Dalby from the start, thats why he placed Palmer as a mole in his rival's office. so he knows not to give away Palmers location.
I just remembered, we need to fix something in the bandshell scene. It's not just some guy Dalby is making contact with, it's Grantby aka Parakeet. I can do this maybe tomorrow, but am happy to be beaten to it.
[sompfin like 'is, while i gots it fresh in me 'ead.]
_____________________________
Dalby (struts into darkened warehouse, tunelessly humming the Imperial March): hum hum-hum, diddly-hum, diddly-hum. Palmer? Palmer? Where art thou Palmer?
Palmer (emerges from shadows, in a nasty mood, holding crossbow aimed at Dalby's heart): 'ere I am sir
Dalby: ?!!? What the deuce are you playing at Palmer?
Palmer: neffer you mind 'at sir, just you back up against that wall, real nice 'n' slow...
Dalby: but how dast you, Palmer? I am your commanding officer!!! and where is Colonel Ross? I distinctly told you to invite Colonel Ross!
Palmer: oh he'll be 'ere any second sir. 'cordin' t'that church steeple across the street
Dalby: But you cant tell time by a church steeple at night! There's no sun out to measure its position by in relation to the church steeple! It could be any time between dusk and dawn for all that church steeple knows!
Palmer: aw yeh, I dint think o that, did I? hmmm (starts to lower crossbow as he scratches head in confusion)
(Dalby tries to rush Palmer)
Palmer: naw sir you stay right where you are!
(they both hear a noise from the entrance)
Ross: Hello? Anybody home? My its dark in here! Palmer? Palmer? Where art thou Palmer?
Palmer: 'ere I am sir. You just back up against that wall over there. Real nice n slow...
Ross: What the deuce are you playing at Palmer?
Dalby: That's what I said!
Ross: Dalby! You here too?
Dalby: I say, this is rather a coincidence! What are the odds?
Ross: But what's Palmer doing with that crossbow?
Dalby: He's dashed insubordinate, that's what he is!
Ross: That's what I always said! Didn't I always say you were insubordinate Palmer? I always said that!
Dalby: thass right, I'm so insubordinate I'm holdin bofe me bosses at crossbow-point at the same time! Now, I know as a fact one of you two's a traitor, I just don't know which one!
Dalby:He's the traitor Palmer! Kill Ross!
Ross: what?!!? No!!! I'm not the traitor! if anybody's a traitor it's Dalby!
Dalby: Ross!
Ross: Dalby!
Dalby: Ross!
Ross:Dalby!
Palmer: Alright alright shut up! Shut up the both o ya's! Lemme think..
Ross: I'm begging you Palmer, come on. Remember how much fun we had the time we both met by coincidence at the Farmers Market with all the exotic American imported foods? Good times wasn't it? Good times!
Palmer: Bloody embarrassin's more like it! You don't know a damn thing bout American imported foods!
Dalby: But what about the time you and I met at the Bandshell and we bopped to out of date military marches? And we both waved our torches during the closing anthem? That was "hellacool" as the youth of today put it!
Palmer (lowers crossbow and points finger in genuine anger, red in the face): Now that was bleedin 'oomiliating 's what that was! I don't give a tinkers cuss if ye does frow me back inna gaol, you are never! ever! being seen in public wif me again!!!
(Dalby and Ross both try to rush Palmer but he quickly aims crossbow and backs them both against the wall)
Dalby: Listen to me Palmer... do as I say... kill the traitor.... (gestures with eyes towards Ross)
Palmer (confused): Why are you talkin' all funny like at sir? All slow n emphasisin' certain words?
Dalby: Oh for heavens sake, Palmer, didn't they teach you anything at that expensive brain-washing session I sent you to? Those are the post-hypnotic trigger words!
Palmer: I haffnt got a bleedin clue whats your talking bout, sir, you are the weirdest boss I ever worked for!! (Ross giggles) 'n' thats sayin sompfin! (Ross looks sad)
Ross: Please, in the name of god Palmer, let's you and I meet at the Farmer's Market again this Saturday, and I swear I'll read up on American imported foods before I go and won't embarrass you in front of your trendy friends at all this time! I swear! I'll play it real lowkey and cool and, and ironic even, just like you!
Palmer: Now thass a point, you were square, but relatively lowkey.
Dalby: Palmer! I have two tickets to the big KISS Army Marching Band concert this Friday! The concert's sold out but these seats are front row centre, and you and I can dress up in costume and makeup, I'll be the Vampire and you can be the StarChild. and then after the show we can go backstage and...
(Palmer fires crossbow right into Dalby's heart. Dalby clutches profusely bleeding chest, crosses eyes, tongue hangs out, sinks to floor)
Ross: but Palmer! how did you decide he's the traitor?
Palmer: It was his hammy scene-stealin' over-actin' sir, thass always the sign o the villain in these Playes!
[now I believe Westward wrote a bit that would come right after this]
I dont know, @Westward_Drift that kind of real world detail kind of overcomplicates the rhythm of the joke (meant to be in the style of all the talk of unladened swallows in Holy Grail)
course I'm bollocks'ing all this talk of telling time in reference to church steeples. I tried to fact check it and I dont think that was actually a thing. but it sounds like it should work doesnt it? the steeple's shadow should work like a giant sundial. If I ever get hold of a TARDIS I'm going back to Ye Olden Days and suggesting that as a timekeeping solution, probably get rich off my idea. Then I'll invest the profits in Tulip stocks and return to the 21st century and be the richest man ever.
by the way westward, how do you know all this stuff? are you a specialist in this period of history or do you know all history in such detail? who knows more about history you or Number24, cuz he fancies himself a history buff?
@Barbel sorry i havent come up with more ideas for the bandshell scene specially since its one of my favourite bits, especially for the Dalby content. I'll try to think of more for that scene.
but one small suggestion: when Dalby's making his arrangements with the bad guys, can Palmer sink real low in his seat and try to cover his face, because he's so embarrassed he doesnt even want the villains to recognise him in public with Dalby? To him even the villains are the Cool Kids in relation to this old-stick-in-the-mud.
I'm realising my idea of Palmer is an insecure high school kid who's obsessed with who thinks he's Cool.
No I am not a historian. I do however read quite a bit. The creation of reliable clocks was instrumental in the ability of ships to measure longitude. I enjoy reading books about the history of foods for example.
I have also been exposed to an excessive amount of Elizabethan theater over the years. Also opera, although I never got the opportunity to see Wagner's the Ring Cycle.
The creation of reliable clocks was instrumental in the ability of ships to measure longitude.
now that I knew! along with the invention of standard time zones in the 19th Century, thats another way in which timekeeping is intertwined with geography. it didnt matter so much when all travel was local, but the more international trade developed the more important it became.
and those standard time zones were invented by Sanford Fleming, a Canadian! next to SCTV that may be Canada's most impressive invention
I forgot about Shatner! we have a long long list of stealth agents in American films and television. anyway, Star Trek may be of greater cultural importance, but I like SCTV even better.
in all seriousness I find the Renaissance era more fascinating than many others, so keep giving us history lessons. I just know small bits I stumble across in my own readings.
What I particularly like is the scientific innovation. The development of the rotatable mast, the "search" for Longitude which you just mentioned, the Mercator projection, the development of calculus a century after Mercator, though Mercator seems to have anticipated it... these changes inventions and discoveries were literally paradigm shattering in a way modern scientific advances are not. We may congratulate ourselves today on achievements the Renaissance men could not have imagined, yet its all so incremental. The iPhone for example may seem to have changed civilization yet its just a repackaging of the Blackberry, not a radical new invention at all. Whereas the development of that mast and the solving of longitude literally changed the shape of the earth and our mobility upon it.
but also the rise in literacy, and the inventing of the printing press, which we joked about a bit in the last Playe. again, I don't think CGI or social media or whatever the modern equivalent would be is actually turning the world upside-down as did the printing press. So we can joke about Ye Olde tech for cheap laffs in our Playes, but in reality I bow in respect to those innovations like no other period in history.
Dalby struts into a darkened warehouse, tunelessly humming ye Imperial March.
Dalby: Hum hum-hum, diddly-hum, diddly-hum. Palmer? Palmer? Where art thou Palmer?
Palmer: (Emerging from ye shadows, in a nasty mood, holding a crossbow aimed at Dalby's heart.) 'ere I am, sir.
Dalby: ?!!? What the deuce are you playing at Palmer?
Palmer: Neffer you mind 'at sir, just you back up against that wall, real nice 'n' slow...
Dalby: But how darest thee, Palmer? I am your commanding officer!!! And where is Colonel Ross? I distinctly told you to invite Colonel Ross!
Palmer: Oh he'll be 'ere any second sir, 'cordin' t'that church steeple across the street.
Dalby: But you cant tell time by a church steeple at night! There ist no sun out to measure its position by in relation to ye church steeple! It could be any time between dusk and dawn for all that church steeple knows!
Palmer: Aw yeh, I dint think o that, did I? Hmmm…
(Palmer sarts to lower ye crossbow as he scratches his head in confusion. Dalby tries to rush Palmer, who quickly points ye crossbow at him again.)
Palmer: Naw sir you stay right where you are!
(They both hear a noise from the entrance.)
Ross: Hello? Anybody home? My, ‘tis dark in here! Palmer? Palmer? Where art thou Palmer?
Palmer: 'ere I am sir. You just back up against that wall over there. Real nice n slow...
Ross: What the deuce are you playing at Palmer?
Dalby: That's what I said!
Ross: Dalby! You here too?
Dalby: I say, this is rather a coincidence! What are the odds?
Ross: But what's Palmer doing with that crossbow?
Dalby: He's dashed insubordinate, that's what he is!
Ross: That's what I always said! Didn't I always say you were insubordinate Palmer? I always said that!
Palmer: Thass right, I'm so insubordinate I'm holdin' bofe me bosses at crossbow-point at ye same time! Now, I know as a fact one of you two's a traitor, I just don't know which one!
Dalby: He's the traitor Palmer! Kill Ross!
Ross: What?!!? No!!! I'm not the traitor! If anybody's a traitor it's Dalby!
Dalby: Ross!
Ross: Dalby!
Dalby: Ross!
Ross: Dalby!
Palmer: Alright alright shut up! Shut up the both o’ ya's! Lemme think..
Ross: I'm begging you Palmer, come on. Remember how much fun we had ye time we both met by coincidence at ye Farmers Market with all ye exotic American imported foods? Good times wasn't it? Good times!
Palmer: Bloody embarrassin's more like it! You don't know a damn thing bout American imported foods!
Dalby: But what about ye time you and I met at ye Bandshell and we bopped to out of date military marches? And we both waved our torches during ye closing anthem? That was "hellacool" as ye youth of today put it!
Palmer: (Lowers crossbow and points finger in genuine anger, red in the face.) Now that was bleedin 'oomiliating 's what that was! I don't give a tinkers cuss if ye does frow me back inna gaol, you are never! ever! being seen in public wif me again!!!
(Dalby and Ross both try to rush Palmer but he quickly aims ye crossbow and backs them both against ye wall.)
Dalby: Listen to me Palmer... do as I say... kill the traitor.... (He gestures with his eyes towards Ross.)
Palmer: (Confused) Why are you talkin' all funny like at sir? All slow ‘n; emphasisin' certain words?
Dalby: Oh for heavens sake, Palmer, didn't they teach you anything at that expensive brain-washing session I sent you to? Those are ye post-hypnotic trigger words!
Palmer: I haffnt got a bleedin clue whats your talking bout, sir, you are ye weirdest boss I ever worked for!! (Ross giggles.) 'n' thats sayin sompfin! (Ross looks sad.)
Ross: Please, in ye name of God Palmer, let's you and I meet at ye Farmer's Market again this Saturday, and I swear I'll read up on American imported foods before I go and won't embarrass you in front of your trendy friends at all this time! I swear! I'll play it real lowkey and cool and, and ironic even, just like you!
Palmer: Now thass a point, you were square, but relatively lowkey.
Dalby: Palmer! I have two tickets to the big KISS Army Marching Band concert this Friday! Ye concert's sold out but these seats are front row centre, and you and I can dress up in costume and makeup, I'll be the Vampire and you can be ye StarChild. and then after ye show we can go backstage and...
(Palmer fires ye crossbow right into Dalby's heart. Dalby clutches his profusely bleeding chest, crosses his eyes, his tongue hangs out, and he sinks to ye floor.)
Ross: But Palmer! How did you decide he's ye traitor?
Palmer: It was his hammy scene-stealin' over-actin' sir, thass always ye sign o’ ye villain in these Playes!
(Ross and Palmer exit ye warehouse.)
Palmer: I could o’ been killed.
Ross: That’s why we pay you, Palmer.
(A young girl approaches ye pair.)
Young Girl: Excuse me, Sirs. Hast thou perhapst seen my pet parrot? He was lost near here. He don't talk much, but makes a lot of funny sounds.
(Ross and Palmer exchange a look.)
Ross: Actually, we have. Dost thou have a name, young lady?
Young Girl: (Curtseys.) Irene, Sir. Irene Penelope Cress.
Ross: Nice to meet you, Young Miss Cress. I am The Colonel and this is Mister Harry Palmer.
I think we got all the major scenes completed, there maybe some links missing for plot points, a paragraph or two required.
sine this has the reputation of being a confusing story, I'm not convinced those links are needed . I find the characters and the attitudes towards class and bureaucracy more interesting.
Its Friday afternoon and I need to get some dayjob work done. I may have more ideas for the bandshell scene tomorrow.
I got one more idea I may try to think through, maybe I'll get a chance to write it tomorrow? It'll get the needed Mozart reference in and pad out the bandshell scene with more musical one-up-man-ship
The idea is 'arry is so trendy, he only listens to music that hasnt been written yet. 'is parents listen to this military stuff. Nobody's even heard of what 'arry listens to because the composer wont be born for 150 years, thats how hip and avant-garde 'arry is. If he lives long enough to actually get to hear Mozart, he wont be into Mozart anymore, because thats what everybody else is into, Now Mozarts actually been born Mozart's for squares, Maybe by1750 'arry'll be into someone even newer like Bowie who wont be born til two centuries after that. or perennial hipster favourites the Velvet Underground.
doesnt everybody know annoying hipster music fans like that? I know I was that person when I was twenty years old! it was always a competition to be into the musician nobody else has heard of yet.
(The villains arrive, led by Parakeet. Palmer sinks low in his chair and pulls his collar up and his hat down)
Palmer:(aside) I don’t want even a villains to recognise me wif this old coot!
Parakeet: So why’d ye have us meet you here, Dalby? Awful noisy isn’t it?
Dalby: It’s not noise, it’s out of date marching music, and I happen to like it! Its spiffy!
Parakeet: er, if you say so. I guess it doesn’t suck too much. Let’s get on with this deal.
Palmer:(turns outraged) What’s this? Doesn’t suck too much?!!? It sucks rotten ole ostrich eggs is what it sucks! I can’t believe your encouragin’ ‘im! Bloody ‘ell, you villains, I tells ye! (shakes head in disgust)
Parakeet: Why look who it is! It’s my buddy the punching bag from the library! Hey look all you minions, I beat up this loser at the library! Hahaha!
Minions: Hahaha! You’re the big man at the library boss! Hahaha!
Dalby: Quiet you lot! I can’t hear the music!
Palmer: Seriously though, even you villains oughta have better musical taste than t’ listen to this din!
Dalby: (shouting to bandstand) Yeah! Woohoo! Play Darth Vader’s Imperial March!
Parakeet:(gives Dalby a bit of a skeptical look) oh yeh? What groups are you into, you’re so much cooler than us?
Palmer:(rises in seat slightly) well I just ‘appen to be the worlds biggest fan o Mozart!
Parakeet:(looks to minions): Mozart? Who’s that?
Minion 1: Never heard of them!
Minion 2: Yeh you’re making them up, there’s no such group as Mozart!
Dalby: (shouting to bandstand) Never mind all that filler! Play the Imperial March!!!
Palmer: Mozart’s not a group, he’s a composer, and the reason you haven’t heard o ‘im is because ‘e won’t be born for another 150 years!
Parakeet: What?!!? Won’t be born for 150 years? Well how do you know he’s going to be any good then? Eh! Got you there!
Palmer: I ‘appen to know cuz I’s an afficianado o’ avant garde composers! Mozart’s gonna be th’ best composer what ever lived, and I’m the first spy on my block to be into ‘im!
Parakeet:(waves hand dismissively) Bah, that makes no sense, you’re just being a poseur!
Palmer: Oh yeh? Lookit this! (turns round to reveal denim jacket with Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart written on back in crayons, in immense Gothic script with elaborate calligraphy and extra umlauts)
Parakeet: Woah, that is cool!
Palmer: and I got all these badges! I get them from the booth next to the American Imports section at the Farmers Market!
Parakeet: hmm, that’s a lot of badges for a composer who won’t be born for 150 years…
Palmer: and this! (opens jacket to reveal Mozart concert t-shirt, further labelled Eine Kleine Nachtmusik World Tour 1787)
(band begins playing Darth Vader’s Imperial March. Dalby leaps onto chair, blocking view of audience behind, making devil horns sign above his head and bopping his head like he’s having a seizure)
Dalby: Yeah! Woohoo! It’s the Imperial March! Waahooo! Hum, hum hum-diddly-hum, diddly-hum! Come on you lot, get into it! Hum, hum hum-diddly-hum, diddly-hum!
(Palmer, Parakeet and minions all discretely move to the back row so no one thinks they’re with Dalby)
Parakeet: So have you ever seen him in concert?
Palmer: Naw, course not! Those compositions will only be performed in the future! But since I eat a good ‘ealfy diet wif lotsa imported American foods that none o you fellers know about cuz only really cool spies eat ‘em, I’m in real good healf, an mebbe I’ll live that long an mebbe I can see ‘im one day!
Parakeet: So? Will you see him, then, if you do live that long?
Palmer: What?!!? Hawhawhaw! Naw, don’t be daft!
Parakeet: But you just said he’s the greatest composer that will ever live!
Palmer: Yeh, well, that’s true, but! In 1787 Mozart’ll be bloody mainstream pop music and every last granny in a suburbs will be lissenin to ‘im! Where’s a fun in that for a music snob? Naw, if I’m still alive in 1787 I’ll be the first spy on the block to be a fan of the Velvet Underground and Nico!
(Dalby is still humming off toon and dancing spastically in front of the bandstand, all alone. He does not notice the band have packed up their instruments and moved to another band-shell so as not to be seen with him)
The bandshell scene, combining my ideas and those of caractacus-
A park. A brass band plays. Dalby sits in ye audience, Palmer enters and sits beside him.
Palmer: Major Dalby-
Dalby: Sssh! (His hand beats out ye rhythm of ye tune being played upon his stick.)
Palmer: But, sir-
Dalby: Sshh, Palmer! This ist one of mine favourites.
(Palmer sits impatiently waiting for ye tune to finish. When it does, he speaks again.)
Palmer: Sir, do ye mind telling me what we art here for?
Dalby: Why ye rush, Palmer?
Palmer: I am scared any of me mates might see me ‘ere wif this old-fashioned stuff.
Dalby: Culture and ye art strangers, Palmer. Just enjoy ye beautiful music.
Palmer: Beautiful music? That ist a military march!
Dalby: Of course.
Palmer: Aw, sir, that was cornball back in ye days of Boadicea!
Dalby: Her army did not have sousaphones. Now ssh, here come ye next one.
(Ye band begins again. Palmer gets more impatient. When ye next tune finishes, he tries again.)
Palmer: Major, ‘tis most important we-
Dalby: Be quiet, Palmer.Now I know you think I'm an old fuddy-duddy, a bit of a pompous git with a broom stuck up his buttocks, and all that sort of rot, as you young folk say. But I "dig" a few "toons" myself, and fancy I can "get down" with the best of them! (Dalby bops his head and pumps his fist to ye marching music with ye least sense of groove ever.)
Palmer: Yes I can see that, sir. (Looks round to see if anybody he knows is watching.) Most, er, embarrassing sir. But do go on.
(Ye villains arrive, led by Parakeet. Palmer sinks low in his chair and pulls his collar up and his hat down.)
Palmer: (Aside.) I don’t want even ye villains to recognise me wif this old coot!
Parakeet: So why’d ye have us meet you here, Dalby? Awful noisy isn’t it?
Dalby: It’s not noise, it’s out of date marching music, and I happen to like it! It's spiffy!
Parakeet: Er, if thou sayest so. I guess it doesn’t suck too much. Let’s get on with this deal.
Palmer: (Turns outraged.) What’s this? Doesn’t suck too much?!!? It sucks rotten ol’ ostrich eggs is what it sucks! I can’t believe your encouragin’ ‘im! Bloody ‘ell, you villains, I tells ye! (Shakes head in disgust.)
Parakeet: Why look who it is! It’s my buddy ye punching bag from ye library! Hey look all you minions, I beat up this loser at ye library! Hahaha!
Minions: Hahaha! You’re ye big man at ye library, boss! Hahaha!
Dalby: Quiet you lot! I can’t hear ye music!
Palmer: Seriously though, even you villains oughta have better musical taste than t’ listen to this din!
Dalby: (Shouting to bandstand.) Yeah! Woohoo! Play Darth Vader’s Imperial March!
Parakeet: (Gives Palmer a bit of a skeptical look) Oh yeah? What groups are you into, if you’re so much cooler than us?
Palmer: (Rises in seat slightly.) Well I just ‘appen to be ye worlds biggest fan o’ Mozart!
Parakeet: (Looks to minions.) Mozart? Who’s that?
Minion 1: Never heard of them!
Minion 2: Yeah, you’re making them up, there’s no such group as Mozart!
Dalby: (Shouting to bandstand.) Never mind all that filler! Play ye Imperial March!!!
Palmer: Mozart’s not a group, he’s a composer, and ye reason you haven’t heard o’ ‘im is because ‘e won’t be born for another 150 years!
Parakeet: What?!!? Won’t be born for 150 years? Well how do you know he’s going to be any good then? Eh! Got you there!
Palmer: I ‘appen to know cuz I’s an afficianado o’ avant garde composers! Mozart’s gonna be th’ best composer what ever lived, and I’m ye first spy on my block to be into ‘im!
Parakeet: (Waves hand dismissively.) Bah, that makes no sense, you’re just being a poseur!
Palmer: Oh yeh? Lookit this! (Turns round to reveal denim jacket with Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart written on back in crayons, in immense Gothic script with elaborate calligraphy and extra umlauts.)
Parakeet: Woah, that is cool!
Palmer: And I got all these badges! I get them from ye booth next to ye American Imports section at ye Farmers Market!
Parakeet: Hmm, that’s a lot of badges for a composer who won’t be born for 150 years…
Palmer: And this! (Opens jacket to reveal Mozart concert t-shirt, further labelled Eine Kleine Nachtmusik World Tour 1787)
(Band begins playing Darth Vader’s Imperial March. Dalby leaps onto ye chair, blocking view of audience behind, making devil horns sign above his head and bopping his head like he’s having a seizure. This covers him exchanging papers with Parakeet.)
Dalby: Yeah! Woohoo! It’s ye Imperial March! Waahooo! Hum, hum hum-diddly-hum, diddly-hum! Come on you lot, get into it! Hum, hum hum-diddly-hum, diddly-hum!
(Palmer, Parakeet and minions all discreetly move to ye back row so no one thinks they’re with Dalby.)
Parakeet: So hast thou ever seen him in concert?
Palmer: Naw, course not! Those compositions will only be performed in the future! But since I eat a good ‘ealfy diet wif lotsa imported American foods that none o’ you fellers know about cuz only really cool spies eat ‘em, I’m in real good healf, an’ mebbe I’ll live that long an mebbe I can see ‘im one day!
Parakeet: So? Will you see him, then, if you do live that long?
Palmer: What?!!? Hawhawhaw! Naw, don’t be daft!
Parakeet: But you just said he’s ye greatest composer that will ever live!
Palmer: Yeh, well, that’s true, but! In 1787 Mozart’ll be bloody mainstream pop music and every last granny in a suburbs will be lissenin’ to ‘im! Where’s ye fun in that for a music snob? Naw, if I’m still alive in 1787 I’ll be ye first spy on the block to be a fan of the Velvet Underground and Nico!
(Dalby is still humming off toon and dancing spastically in front of ye bandstand, all alone. He does not notice ye band have packed up their instruments and moved to another band-shell so as not to be seen with him.)
yes I see @Barbel you caught the actual important detail I missed: the way I wrote it Dalby and Parakeet never had the chance to actually do their deal!
I was thinking of adding a coda where Dalby belatedly realises he's dancing all alone and looks round "Palmer? Parakeet? where didst everybody go??", then spots them at the very back and runs to join them, they look shocked and ready to scatter but he gets there too quick, then Dalby and Parakeet can finally make their deal.
but maybe thatd be too much of a good thing. I'm already feeling sorry for Dalby, I've humiliated him so much
@Barbel one plot point I think we do still have to get in is 'arry being kidnapped. I'd suggested a carriage stopped by highwaymen, @Westward_Drift suggested a boat on the Thames, which actually make more sense if he's planning to leave the country.
and do we need to prove the returned alchemist has been brainwashed? can that be covered in one line of dialog, maybe as Dalby warns Palmer to leave town?
The problem I can see is that him being kidnapped is a very short scene; perhaps it should be added to the end of the scene of Dalby telling him to get out of the country rather than a scene in itself?
And yes, the brainwashed alchemist can be handled in a quick line or two probably in the same scene.
Dalby: Palmer, ye French have put a bounty on thine head.
Palmer: A bounty! What is it?
Dalby: It's a chocolate bar with a coconut filling, but that's not important right now. There ist much concern about Alchemist Radcliffe; it appears that he ist behaving ye same as ye parrot, babbling nonsense and making silly noises, and thou art being held responsible.
Palmer: Me?
Dalby: Thou must find a place to hide.
Palmer: Well, I am sure I have a friend who will be happy to give me a bed.
Dalby: Nay, Palmer, I do not mean Courtney's place.
Palmer: I suppose you're right. I shan’t put 'er in peril too.
Dalby: Palmer, we are spies. We should always to be aware of sources of peril. Now go, go further, out of ye country.
Palmer: At once, Major.
(Ye ancient River Thames. Palmer walks towards a barge.)
Palmer: Hey, there. How much to take me to-
(A club lands on his head from behind, rendering him unconscious.)
that gets it done! I'm assuming "Hey, there. How much to take me to-" is a quote from something?
only change I'd make: instead of "it appears that he cannot remember a thing about his job" maybe we could say he's behaving the same as the parrot, babbling nonsense and making silly noises?
and I think we've gotten in most of the plotpoints needed to advance the story and indulged deeply in all our favourite scenes!
Comments
Dalby: Palmer, ye French have put a bounty on thine head.
Palmer: A bounty! What is it?
Dalby: It's a chocolate bar with a coconut filling, but that's not important right now. Thou must find a place to hide.
Palmer: Well, I am sure I have a friend who will be happy to give me a bed.
Dalby: Nay, Palmer, I do not mean Courtney's place.
Palmer: Oh, you know about that?
Dalby: Palmer, we're spies. We're supposed to know about things like that.
Palmer: 'Tis not ye answer I was expecting.
Dalby: 'Tis not ye answer anyone who read "Nay, Time To Die!" was expecting either. Now go, go further, out of ye country.
if you keep making Airplane jokes maybe @Gymkata will be tempted to rejoin the writing team!
Surely you can't be serious?
Dalby already mentions the Widow Courtney in the Radcliffe exchange, so yes he knows. And Palmer knows he knows.
Instead of
Palmer: Oh, you know about that?
Dalby: Palmer, we're spies. We're supposed to know about things like that.
How about something like:
Palmer: I suppose you're right. I shant put 'er in peril too.
Dalby: Palmer, we are spies. We should always to be aware of sources of peril.
Have the ironic line of dialogue since Dalby is the source of peril.
You're right, I was just going for the cheap laugh as always. I'll change it, of course.
However we need more- 'arry has to give Dalby a clue of where he's going so he can be captured.
see thats the other "plothole" in the film I cant figure out.
Palmer doesnt tell Dalby where he's going.
He does tell Jean, and as soons he's gone we see Jean phone Ross, so Ross knows.
Then Dalby and Ross meet in the park to discuss Palmer, and we know Ross knows but he quite conspicuously doe not tell Dalby.
so who gives the order to kidnap Harry from the train?
and note: although unspoken, Ross has suspected Dalby from the start, thats why he placed Palmer as a mole in his rival's office. so he knows not to give away Palmers location.
We can fix it or ignore it, take your pick.
I just remembered, we need to fix something in the bandshell scene. It's not just some guy Dalby is making contact with, it's Grantby aka Parakeet. I can do this maybe tomorrow, but am happy to be beaten to it.
[sompfin like 'is, while i gots it fresh in me 'ead.]
_____________________________
Dalby (struts into darkened warehouse, tunelessly humming the Imperial March): hum hum-hum, diddly-hum, diddly-hum. Palmer? Palmer? Where art thou Palmer?
Palmer (emerges from shadows, in a nasty mood, holding crossbow aimed at Dalby's heart): 'ere I am sir
Dalby: ?!!? What the deuce are you playing at Palmer?
Palmer: neffer you mind 'at sir, just you back up against that wall, real nice 'n' slow...
Dalby: but how dast you, Palmer? I am your commanding officer!!! and where is Colonel Ross? I distinctly told you to invite Colonel Ross!
Palmer: oh he'll be 'ere any second sir. 'cordin' t'that church steeple across the street
Dalby: But you cant tell time by a church steeple at night! There's no sun out to measure its position by in relation to the church steeple! It could be any time between dusk and dawn for all that church steeple knows!
Palmer: aw yeh, I dint think o that, did I? hmmm (starts to lower crossbow as he scratches head in confusion)
(Dalby tries to rush Palmer)
Palmer: naw sir you stay right where you are!
(they both hear a noise from the entrance)
Ross: Hello? Anybody home? My its dark in here! Palmer? Palmer? Where art thou Palmer?
Palmer: 'ere I am sir. You just back up against that wall over there. Real nice n slow...
Ross: What the deuce are you playing at Palmer?
Dalby: That's what I said!
Ross: Dalby! You here too?
Dalby: I say, this is rather a coincidence! What are the odds?
Ross: But what's Palmer doing with that crossbow?
Dalby: He's dashed insubordinate, that's what he is!
Ross: That's what I always said! Didn't I always say you were insubordinate Palmer? I always said that!
Dalby: thass right, I'm so insubordinate I'm holdin bofe me bosses at crossbow-point at the same time! Now, I know as a fact one of you two's a traitor, I just don't know which one!
Dalby: He's the traitor Palmer! Kill Ross!
Ross: what?!!? No!!! I'm not the traitor! if anybody's a traitor it's Dalby!
Dalby: Ross!
Ross: Dalby!
Dalby: Ross!
Ross: Dalby!
Palmer: Alright alright shut up! Shut up the both o ya's! Lemme think..
Ross: I'm begging you Palmer, come on. Remember how much fun we had the time we both met by coincidence at the Farmers Market with all the exotic American imported foods? Good times wasn't it? Good times!
Palmer: Bloody embarrassin's more like it! You don't know a damn thing bout American imported foods!
Dalby: But what about the time you and I met at the Bandshell and we bopped to out of date military marches? And we both waved our torches during the closing anthem? That was "hellacool" as the youth of today put it!
Palmer (lowers crossbow and points finger in genuine anger, red in the face): Now that was bleedin 'oomiliating 's what that was! I don't give a tinkers cuss if ye does frow me back inna gaol, you are never! ever! being seen in public wif me again!!!
(Dalby and Ross both try to rush Palmer but he quickly aims crossbow and backs them both against the wall)
Dalby: Listen to me Palmer... do as I say... kill the traitor.... (gestures with eyes towards Ross)
Palmer (confused): Why are you talkin' all funny like at sir? All slow n emphasisin' certain words?
Dalby: Oh for heavens sake, Palmer, didn't they teach you anything at that expensive brain-washing session I sent you to? Those are the post-hypnotic trigger words!
Palmer: I haffnt got a bleedin clue whats your talking bout, sir, you are the weirdest boss I ever worked for!! (Ross giggles) 'n' thats sayin sompfin! (Ross looks sad)
Ross: Please, in the name of god Palmer, let's you and I meet at the Farmer's Market again this Saturday, and I swear I'll read up on American imported foods before I go and won't embarrass you in front of your trendy friends at all this time! I swear! I'll play it real lowkey and cool and, and ironic even, just like you!
Palmer: Now thass a point, you were square, but relatively lowkey.
Dalby: Palmer! I have two tickets to the big KISS Army Marching Band concert this Friday! The concert's sold out but these seats are front row centre, and you and I can dress up in costume and makeup, I'll be the Vampire and you can be the StarChild. and then after the show we can go backstage and...
(Palmer fires crossbow right into Dalby's heart. Dalby clutches profusely bleeding chest, crosses eyes, tongue hangs out, sinks to floor)
Ross: but Palmer! how did you decide he's the traitor?
Palmer: It was his hammy scene-stealin' over-actin' sir, thass always the sign o the villain in these Playes!
[now I believe Westward wrote a bit that would come right after this]
Very good.
The pocket watch was invented in 1510, so maybe add a line with 'Arry complaining he can't afford one of 'em expensive German pocket watches."
I'll try to finish the coda tomorrow.
Well done, caractacus. I wonder if there's another scene where we could fit in one more "Ross! Dalby!" interchange. Not essential, might be fun.
Amended ending to bandshell scene:
(Dalby reaches out behind him and exchanges papers with ye man behind, who gets up and leaves. To Palmer’s surprise, it is Grantby.)
Dalby: Now, Palmer, thou wert saying?
(As Palmer leaves, ye Suspicious Stranger who hast been observing ye entire thing follows.)
Also amended:
Dalby: Palmer, ye French have put a bounty on thine head.
Palmer: A bounty! What is it?
Dalby: It's a chocolate bar with a coconut filling, but that's not important right now. Thou must find a place to hide.
Palmer: Well, I am sure I have a friend who will be happy to give me a bed.
Dalby: Nay, Palmer, I do not mean Courtney's place.
Palmer: I suppose you're right. I shan’t put 'er in peril too.
Dalby: Palmer, we are spies. We should always to be aware of sources of peril. Now go, go further, out of ye country.
I dont know, @Westward_Drift that kind of real world detail kind of overcomplicates the rhythm of the joke (meant to be in the style of all the talk of unladened swallows in Holy Grail)
course I'm bollocks'ing all this talk of telling time in reference to church steeples. I tried to fact check it and I dont think that was actually a thing. but it sounds like it should work doesnt it? the steeple's shadow should work like a giant sundial. If I ever get hold of a TARDIS I'm going back to Ye Olden Days and suggesting that as a timekeeping solution, probably get rich off my idea. Then I'll invest the profits in Tulip stocks and return to the 21st century and be the richest man ever.
by the way westward, how do you know all this stuff? are you a specialist in this period of history or do you know all history in such detail? who knows more about history you or Number24, cuz he fancies himself a history buff?
@Barbel sorry i havent come up with more ideas for the bandshell scene specially since its one of my favourite bits, especially for the Dalby content. I'll try to think of more for that scene.
but one small suggestion: when Dalby's making his arrangements with the bad guys, can Palmer sink real low in his seat and try to cover his face, because he's so embarrassed he doesnt even want the villains to recognise him in public with Dalby? To him even the villains are the Cool Kids in relation to this old-stick-in-the-mud.
I'm realising my idea of Palmer is an insecure high school kid who's obsessed with who thinks he's Cool.
No I am not a historian. I do however read quite a bit. The creation of reliable clocks was instrumental in the ability of ships to measure longitude. I enjoy reading books about the history of foods for example.
I have also been exposed to an excessive amount of Elizabethan theater over the years. Also opera, although I never got the opportunity to see Wagner's the Ring Cycle.
westward said:
The creation of reliable clocks was instrumental in the ability of ships to measure longitude.
now that I knew! along with the invention of standard time zones in the 19th Century, thats another way in which timekeeping is intertwined with geography. it didnt matter so much when all travel was local, but the more international trade developed the more important it became.
and those standard time zones were invented by Sanford Fleming, a Canadian! next to SCTV that may be Canada's most impressive invention
I thought Canada's most impressive invention was William Shatner.
In my to-be-read pile: INVISIBLE POWER: ELIZABETHAN SECRET SERVICES, 1570-1603 as well as some Marlowe biographies.
I forgot about Shatner! we have a long long list of stealth agents in American films and television. anyway, Star Trek may be of greater cultural importance, but I like SCTV even better.
in all seriousness I find the Renaissance era more fascinating than many others, so keep giving us history lessons. I just know small bits I stumble across in my own readings.
What I particularly like is the scientific innovation. The development of the rotatable mast, the "search" for Longitude which you just mentioned, the Mercator projection, the development of calculus a century after Mercator, though Mercator seems to have anticipated it... these changes inventions and discoveries were literally paradigm shattering in a way modern scientific advances are not. We may congratulate ourselves today on achievements the Renaissance men could not have imagined, yet its all so incremental. The iPhone for example may seem to have changed civilization yet its just a repackaging of the Blackberry, not a radical new invention at all. Whereas the development of that mast and the solving of longitude literally changed the shape of the earth and our mobility upon it.
but also the rise in literacy, and the inventing of the printing press, which we joked about a bit in the last Playe. again, I don't think CGI or social media or whatever the modern equivalent would be is actually turning the world upside-down as did the printing press. So we can joke about Ye Olde tech for cheap laffs in our Playes, but in reality I bow in respect to those innovations like no other period in history.
I hope to get some more writing done tonight, failing that it's probably a good idea to organise what we've got and see what's missing.
The last scene, by both of you-
Dalby struts into a darkened warehouse, tunelessly humming ye Imperial March.
Dalby: Hum hum-hum, diddly-hum, diddly-hum. Palmer? Palmer? Where art thou Palmer?
Palmer: (Emerging from ye shadows, in a nasty mood, holding a crossbow aimed at Dalby's heart.) 'ere I am, sir.
Dalby: ?!!? What the deuce are you playing at Palmer?
Palmer: Neffer you mind 'at sir, just you back up against that wall, real nice 'n' slow...
Dalby: But how darest thee, Palmer? I am your commanding officer!!! And where is Colonel Ross? I distinctly told you to invite Colonel Ross!
Palmer: Oh he'll be 'ere any second sir, 'cordin' t'that church steeple across the street.
Dalby: But you cant tell time by a church steeple at night! There ist no sun out to measure its position by in relation to ye church steeple! It could be any time between dusk and dawn for all that church steeple knows!
Palmer: Aw yeh, I dint think o that, did I? Hmmm…
(Palmer sarts to lower ye crossbow as he scratches his head in confusion. Dalby tries to rush Palmer, who quickly points ye crossbow at him again.)
Palmer: Naw sir you stay right where you are!
(They both hear a noise from the entrance.)
Ross: Hello? Anybody home? My, ‘tis dark in here! Palmer? Palmer? Where art thou Palmer?
Palmer: 'ere I am sir. You just back up against that wall over there. Real nice n slow...
Ross: What the deuce are you playing at Palmer?
Dalby: That's what I said!
Ross: Dalby! You here too?
Dalby: I say, this is rather a coincidence! What are the odds?
Ross: But what's Palmer doing with that crossbow?
Dalby: He's dashed insubordinate, that's what he is!
Ross: That's what I always said! Didn't I always say you were insubordinate Palmer? I always said that!
Palmer: Thass right, I'm so insubordinate I'm holdin' bofe me bosses at crossbow-point at ye same time! Now, I know as a fact one of you two's a traitor, I just don't know which one!
Dalby: He's the traitor Palmer! Kill Ross!
Ross: What?!!? No!!! I'm not the traitor! If anybody's a traitor it's Dalby!
Dalby: Ross!
Ross: Dalby!
Dalby: Ross!
Ross: Dalby!
Palmer: Alright alright shut up! Shut up the both o’ ya's! Lemme think..
Ross: I'm begging you Palmer, come on. Remember how much fun we had ye time we both met by coincidence at ye Farmers Market with all ye exotic American imported foods? Good times wasn't it? Good times!
Palmer: Bloody embarrassin's more like it! You don't know a damn thing bout American imported foods!
Dalby: But what about ye time you and I met at ye Bandshell and we bopped to out of date military marches? And we both waved our torches during ye closing anthem? That was "hellacool" as ye youth of today put it!
Palmer: (Lowers crossbow and points finger in genuine anger, red in the face.) Now that was bleedin 'oomiliating 's what that was! I don't give a tinkers cuss if ye does frow me back inna gaol, you are never! ever! being seen in public wif me again!!!
(Dalby and Ross both try to rush Palmer but he quickly aims ye crossbow and backs them both against ye wall.)
Dalby: Listen to me Palmer... do as I say... kill the traitor.... (He gestures with his eyes towards Ross.)
Palmer: (Confused) Why are you talkin' all funny like at sir? All slow ‘n; emphasisin' certain words?
Dalby: Oh for heavens sake, Palmer, didn't they teach you anything at that expensive brain-washing session I sent you to? Those are ye post-hypnotic trigger words!
Palmer: I haffnt got a bleedin clue whats your talking bout, sir, you are ye weirdest boss I ever worked for!! (Ross giggles.) 'n' thats sayin sompfin! (Ross looks sad.)
Ross: Please, in ye name of God Palmer, let's you and I meet at ye Farmer's Market again this Saturday, and I swear I'll read up on American imported foods before I go and won't embarrass you in front of your trendy friends at all this time! I swear! I'll play it real lowkey and cool and, and ironic even, just like you!
Palmer: Now thass a point, you were square, but relatively lowkey.
Dalby: Palmer! I have two tickets to the big KISS Army Marching Band concert this Friday! Ye concert's sold out but these seats are front row centre, and you and I can dress up in costume and makeup, I'll be the Vampire and you can be ye StarChild. and then after ye show we can go backstage and...
(Palmer fires ye crossbow right into Dalby's heart. Dalby clutches his profusely bleeding chest, crosses his eyes, his tongue hangs out, and he sinks to ye floor.)
Ross: But Palmer! How did you decide he's ye traitor?
Palmer: It was his hammy scene-stealin' over-actin' sir, thass always ye sign o’ ye villain in these Playes!
(Ross and Palmer exit ye warehouse.)
Palmer: I could o’ been killed.
Ross: That’s why we pay you, Palmer.
(A young girl approaches ye pair.)
Young Girl: Excuse me, Sirs. Hast thou perhapst seen my pet parrot? He was lost near here. He don't talk much, but makes a lot of funny sounds.
(Ross and Palmer exchange a look.)
Ross: Actually, we have. Dost thou have a name, young lady?
Young Girl: (Curtseys.) Irene, Sir. Irene Penelope Cress.
Ross: Nice to meet you, Young Miss Cress. I am The Colonel and this is Mister Harry Palmer.
Palmer: My name ain’t ‘Arry.
So, apart from caractacus wanting to revise the bandshell scene, what else is left?
I think we got all the major scenes completed, there maybe some links missing for plot points, a paragraph or two required.
sine this has the reputation of being a confusing story, I'm not convinced those links are needed . I find the characters and the attitudes towards class and bureaucracy more interesting.
Its Friday afternoon and I need to get some dayjob work done. I may have more ideas for the bandshell scene tomorrow.
Did you see my gag in post 3014?
I got one more idea I may try to think through, maybe I'll get a chance to write it tomorrow? It'll get the needed Mozart reference in and pad out the bandshell scene with more musical one-up-man-ship
The idea is 'arry is so trendy, he only listens to music that hasnt been written yet. 'is parents listen to this military stuff. Nobody's even heard of what 'arry listens to because the composer wont be born for 150 years, thats how hip and avant-garde 'arry is. If he lives long enough to actually get to hear Mozart, he wont be into Mozart anymore, because thats what everybody else is into, Now Mozarts actually been born Mozart's for squares, Maybe by1750 'arry'll be into someone even newer like Bowie who wont be born til two centuries after that. or perennial hipster favourites the Velvet Underground.
doesnt everybody know annoying hipster music fans like that? I know I was that person when I was twenty years old! it was always a competition to be into the musician nobody else has heard of yet.
Re 3014- Yes, that's one of the changes to the bandshell scene needed. And yes, expand on the music thoughts. 😁
(The villains arrive, led by Parakeet. Palmer sinks low in his chair and pulls his collar up and his hat down)
Palmer: (aside) I don’t want even a villains to recognise me wif this old coot!
Parakeet: So why’d ye have us meet you here, Dalby? Awful noisy isn’t it?
Dalby: It’s not noise, it’s out of date marching music, and I happen to like it! Its spiffy!
Parakeet: er, if you say so. I guess it doesn’t suck too much. Let’s get on with this deal.
Palmer: (turns outraged) What’s this? Doesn’t suck too much?!!? It sucks rotten ole ostrich eggs is what it sucks! I can’t believe your encouragin’ ‘im! Bloody ‘ell, you villains, I tells ye! (shakes head in disgust)
Parakeet: Why look who it is! It’s my buddy the punching bag from the library! Hey look all you minions, I beat up this loser at the library! Hahaha!
Minions: Hahaha! You’re the big man at the library boss! Hahaha!
Dalby: Quiet you lot! I can’t hear the music!
Palmer: Seriously though, even you villains oughta have better musical taste than t’ listen to this din!
Dalby: (shouting to bandstand) Yeah! Woohoo! Play Darth Vader’s Imperial March!
Parakeet: (gives Dalby a bit of a skeptical look) oh yeh? What groups are you into, you’re so much cooler than us?
Palmer: (rises in seat slightly) well I just ‘appen to be the worlds biggest fan o Mozart!
Parakeet: (looks to minions): Mozart? Who’s that?
Minion 1: Never heard of them!
Minion 2: Yeh you’re making them up, there’s no such group as Mozart!
Dalby: (shouting to bandstand) Never mind all that filler! Play the Imperial March!!!
Palmer: Mozart’s not a group, he’s a composer, and the reason you haven’t heard o ‘im is because ‘e won’t be born for another 150 years!
Parakeet: What?!!? Won’t be born for 150 years? Well how do you know he’s going to be any good then? Eh! Got you there!
Palmer: I ‘appen to know cuz I’s an afficianado o’ avant garde composers! Mozart’s gonna be th’ best composer what ever lived, and I’m the first spy on my block to be into ‘im!
Parakeet: (waves hand dismissively) Bah, that makes no sense, you’re just being a poseur!
Palmer: Oh yeh? Lookit this! (turns round to reveal denim jacket with Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart written on back in crayons, in immense Gothic script with elaborate calligraphy and extra umlauts)
Parakeet: Woah, that is cool!
Palmer: and I got all these badges! I get them from the booth next to the American Imports section at the Farmers Market!
Parakeet: hmm, that’s a lot of badges for a composer who won’t be born for 150 years…
Palmer: and this! (opens jacket to reveal Mozart concert t-shirt, further labelled Eine Kleine Nachtmusik World Tour 1787)
(band begins playing Darth Vader’s Imperial March. Dalby leaps onto chair, blocking view of audience behind, making devil horns sign above his head and bopping his head like he’s having a seizure)
Dalby: Yeah! Woohoo! It’s the Imperial March! Waahooo! Hum, hum hum-diddly-hum, diddly-hum! Come on you lot, get into it! Hum, hum hum-diddly-hum, diddly-hum!
(Palmer, Parakeet and minions all discretely move to the back row so no one thinks they’re with Dalby)
Parakeet: So have you ever seen him in concert?
Palmer: Naw, course not! Those compositions will only be performed in the future! But since I eat a good ‘ealfy diet wif lotsa imported American foods that none o you fellers know about cuz only really cool spies eat ‘em, I’m in real good healf, an mebbe I’ll live that long an mebbe I can see ‘im one day!
Parakeet: So? Will you see him, then, if you do live that long?
Palmer: What?!!? Hawhawhaw! Naw, don’t be daft!
Parakeet: But you just said he’s the greatest composer that will ever live!
Palmer: Yeh, well, that’s true, but! In 1787 Mozart’ll be bloody mainstream pop music and every last granny in a suburbs will be lissenin to ‘im! Where’s a fun in that for a music snob? Naw, if I’m still alive in 1787 I’ll be the first spy on the block to be a fan of the Velvet Underground and Nico!
(Dalby is still humming off toon and dancing spastically in front of the bandstand, all alone. He does not notice the band have packed up their instruments and moved to another band-shell so as not to be seen with him)
That's... insane! So obviously in it goes.
Today I plan to organise what we've written into some sort of order to help identify what we still need to do, if anything.
The bandshell scene, combining my ideas and those of caractacus-
A park. A brass band plays. Dalby sits in ye audience, Palmer enters and sits beside him.
Palmer: Major Dalby-
Dalby: Sssh! (His hand beats out ye rhythm of ye tune being played upon his stick.)
Palmer: But, sir-
Dalby: Sshh, Palmer! This ist one of mine favourites.
(Palmer sits impatiently waiting for ye tune to finish. When it does, he speaks again.)
Palmer: Sir, do ye mind telling me what we art here for?
Dalby: Why ye rush, Palmer?
Palmer: I am scared any of me mates might see me ‘ere wif this old-fashioned stuff.
Dalby: Culture and ye art strangers, Palmer. Just enjoy ye beautiful music.
Palmer: Beautiful music? That ist a military march!
Dalby: Of course.
Palmer: Aw, sir, that was cornball back in ye days of Boadicea!
Dalby: Her army did not have sousaphones. Now ssh, here come ye next one.
(Ye band begins again. Palmer gets more impatient. When ye next tune finishes, he tries again.)
Palmer: Major, ‘tis most important we-
Dalby: Be quiet, Palmer. Now I know you think I'm an old fuddy-duddy, a bit of a pompous git with a broom stuck up his buttocks, and all that sort of rot, as you young folk say. But I "dig" a few "toons" myself, and fancy I can "get down" with the best of them! (Dalby bops his head and pumps his fist to ye marching music with ye least sense of groove ever.)
Palmer: Yes I can see that, sir. (Looks round to see if anybody he knows is watching.) Most, er, embarrassing sir. But do go on.
(Ye villains arrive, led by Parakeet. Palmer sinks low in his chair and pulls his collar up and his hat down.)
Palmer: (Aside.) I don’t want even ye villains to recognise me wif this old coot!
Parakeet: So why’d ye have us meet you here, Dalby? Awful noisy isn’t it?
Dalby: It’s not noise, it’s out of date marching music, and I happen to like it! It's spiffy!
Parakeet: Er, if thou sayest so. I guess it doesn’t suck too much. Let’s get on with this deal.
Palmer: (Turns outraged.) What’s this? Doesn’t suck too much?!!? It sucks rotten ol’ ostrich eggs is what it sucks! I can’t believe your encouragin’ ‘im! Bloody ‘ell, you villains, I tells ye! (Shakes head in disgust.)
Parakeet: Why look who it is! It’s my buddy ye punching bag from ye library! Hey look all you minions, I beat up this loser at ye library! Hahaha!
Minions: Hahaha! You’re ye big man at ye library, boss! Hahaha!
Dalby: Quiet you lot! I can’t hear ye music!
Palmer: Seriously though, even you villains oughta have better musical taste than t’ listen to this din!
Dalby: (Shouting to bandstand.) Yeah! Woohoo! Play Darth Vader’s Imperial March!
Parakeet: (Gives Palmer a bit of a skeptical look) Oh yeah? What groups are you into, if you’re so much cooler than us?
Palmer: (Rises in seat slightly.) Well I just ‘appen to be ye worlds biggest fan o’ Mozart!
Parakeet: (Looks to minions.) Mozart? Who’s that?
Minion 1: Never heard of them!
Minion 2: Yeah, you’re making them up, there’s no such group as Mozart!
Dalby: (Shouting to bandstand.) Never mind all that filler! Play ye Imperial March!!!
Palmer: Mozart’s not a group, he’s a composer, and ye reason you haven’t heard o’ ‘im is because ‘e won’t be born for another 150 years!
Parakeet: What?!!? Won’t be born for 150 years? Well how do you know he’s going to be any good then? Eh! Got you there!
Palmer: I ‘appen to know cuz I’s an afficianado o’ avant garde composers! Mozart’s gonna be th’ best composer what ever lived, and I’m ye first spy on my block to be into ‘im!
Parakeet: (Waves hand dismissively.) Bah, that makes no sense, you’re just being a poseur!
Palmer: Oh yeh? Lookit this! (Turns round to reveal denim jacket with Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart written on back in crayons, in immense Gothic script with elaborate calligraphy and extra umlauts.)
Parakeet: Woah, that is cool!
Palmer: And I got all these badges! I get them from ye booth next to ye American Imports section at ye Farmers Market!
Parakeet: Hmm, that’s a lot of badges for a composer who won’t be born for 150 years…
Palmer: And this! (Opens jacket to reveal Mozart concert t-shirt, further labelled Eine Kleine Nachtmusik World Tour 1787)
(Band begins playing Darth Vader’s Imperial March. Dalby leaps onto ye chair, blocking view of audience behind, making devil horns sign above his head and bopping his head like he’s having a seizure. This covers him exchanging papers with Parakeet.)
Dalby: Yeah! Woohoo! It’s ye Imperial March! Waahooo! Hum, hum hum-diddly-hum, diddly-hum! Come on you lot, get into it! Hum, hum hum-diddly-hum, diddly-hum!
(Palmer, Parakeet and minions all discreetly move to ye back row so no one thinks they’re with Dalby.)
Parakeet: So hast thou ever seen him in concert?
Palmer: Naw, course not! Those compositions will only be performed in the future! But since I eat a good ‘ealfy diet wif lotsa imported American foods that none o’ you fellers know about cuz only really cool spies eat ‘em, I’m in real good healf, an’ mebbe I’ll live that long an mebbe I can see ‘im one day!
Parakeet: So? Will you see him, then, if you do live that long?
Palmer: What?!!? Hawhawhaw! Naw, don’t be daft!
Parakeet: But you just said he’s ye greatest composer that will ever live!
Palmer: Yeh, well, that’s true, but! In 1787 Mozart’ll be bloody mainstream pop music and every last granny in a suburbs will be lissenin’ to ‘im! Where’s ye fun in that for a music snob? Naw, if I’m still alive in 1787 I’ll be ye first spy on the block to be a fan of the Velvet Underground and Nico!
(Dalby is still humming off toon and dancing spastically in front of ye bandstand, all alone. He does not notice ye band have packed up their instruments and moved to another band-shell so as not to be seen with him.)
yes I see @Barbel you caught the actual important detail I missed: the way I wrote it Dalby and Parakeet never had the chance to actually do their deal!
I was thinking of adding a coda where Dalby belatedly realises he's dancing all alone and looks round "Palmer? Parakeet? where didst everybody go??", then spots them at the very back and runs to join them, they look shocked and ready to scatter but he gets there too quick, then Dalby and Parakeet can finally make their deal.
but maybe thatd be too much of a good thing. I'm already feeling sorry for Dalby, I've humiliated him so much
@Barbel one plot point I think we do still have to get in is 'arry being kidnapped. I'd suggested a carriage stopped by highwaymen, @Westward_Drift suggested a boat on the Thames, which actually make more sense if he's planning to leave the country.
and do we need to prove the returned alchemist has been brainwashed? can that be covered in one line of dialog, maybe as Dalby warns Palmer to leave town?
The problem I can see is that him being kidnapped is a very short scene; perhaps it should be added to the end of the scene of Dalby telling him to get out of the country rather than a scene in itself?
And yes, the brainwashed alchemist can be handled in a quick line or two probably in the same scene.
Please add or change as you like-
Dalby: Palmer, ye French have put a bounty on thine head.
Palmer: A bounty! What is it?
Dalby: It's a chocolate bar with a coconut filling, but that's not important right now. There ist much concern about Alchemist Radcliffe; it appears that he ist behaving ye same as ye parrot, babbling nonsense and making silly noises, and thou art being held responsible.
Palmer: Me?
Dalby: Thou must find a place to hide.
Palmer: Well, I am sure I have a friend who will be happy to give me a bed.
Dalby: Nay, Palmer, I do not mean Courtney's place.
Palmer: I suppose you're right. I shan’t put 'er in peril too.
Dalby: Palmer, we are spies. We should always to be aware of sources of peril. Now go, go further, out of ye country.
Palmer: At once, Major.
(Ye ancient River Thames. Palmer walks towards a barge.)
Palmer: Hey, there. How much to take me to-
(A club lands on his head from behind, rendering him unconscious.)
that gets it done! I'm assuming "Hey, there. How much to take me to-" is a quote from something?
only change I'd make: instead of "it appears that he cannot remember a thing about his job" maybe we could say he's behaving the same as the parrot, babbling nonsense and making silly noises?
and I think we've gotten in most of the plotpoints needed to advance the story and indulged deeply in all our favourite scenes!
I've added that in.