Bond, Moneypenny, Tanner, and Q are seated in a private room at a karaoke club.
Bond: I'm going to need a lot more alcohol if you expect me to sing in public.
Moneypenny: Public? There are four of us. No whisky for you, James. You'll get all dour and subject us to 'Hurt' by Johnny Cash.
Tanner: Complete with a Kentucky Fried accent.
Bond: I was thinking vodka martinis and the Nine Inch Nails version.
Moneypenny: Don't be a smart ass. Who shall go first? Q?
Q: Do you really have to call me 'Q'?
Moneypenny (Whispering into Q's ear) Well, Mr. Boothroyd, how about your university nickname? Boo Boo?
Q: Q it is.
Moneypenny: So what are you singing?
Q: I do a mean Freddie Mercury.
Tanner: I'm thinking something from The Rocky Horror Show. (Q gives Tanner an appreciative look.) What about you, Eve?
Moneypenny: (Scanning the catalog) They have songs from After School. Maybe I will start with 'First Love'.
Q: K-Pop. Nice.
Bond: You speak Korean, Eve?
Monneypenny: I was stationed there for three years, James. Something you'd know if you took an interest in your coworkers.
Bond: What will I sing? Something upbeat? How about--
Monneypenny, Tanner and Q: No ABBA!!
Thirty Minutes Later:
Bond knocks back a double sake served at the perfect temperature, 98.4 degrees Fahrenheit. He takes the microphone. Music begins and Bond begins to sing:
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
Moneypenny: Oh my god, something else he's good at.
Tanner looks to Q and Moneypenny.
Tanner: You two look as if you are about to start drooling.
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
Bond finishes the song, Maybe it's the sake, but he is having fun.
Bond: Do you mind if I do another?,,,,(He scrolls through the song selections)...Perfect.
oh I dont know the other actors resumes well enough to guess...
is it
Q does Freddy Mercury?
Tanner does Rocky Horror?
Moneypenny does Korean K-pop?
now if it were Blofeld from Diamonds are forever (who even dressed in drag) I could see him singing something from Rocky Horror. In fact I believe I once did.
Q does Queen because Ben Wishaw was rumored to play Freddie Mercury in a biopic.
Tanner does Rocky Horror because he played Frankenstein's Monster in Penny Dreadful. Yes, it's a stretch. Plus it sews the seeds for the Q/Tanner stuff in previous imaginary conversations.
Moneypenny choosing K-Pop is just because it's fun. Plus circa 2012 when Skyfall was released was the apex of K-Pop according to some.
Everyone saying "No Abba!" was a dig at Pierce Brosnan's singing in Mamma Mia. It was the original capper to the skit before I hit upon Bond's songs.
Hello, Swiss Furniture AG?…… Ah hello again, Mr Goldfoot…. Finger, sorry…..Why, yes, of course we’d be available to do a job for you…. A table, you say? No problem, we can do that. Now, what size?…. Eight foot by three? Well you see, we use the metric system here and… Yes, that’s better, we can do that for you. Now, the wood- oak? Pine? Perhaps mahogany? …. Oh, you want gold… No, of course I realise your name isn’t Mahoganyfinger ha ha… Still, are you sure? We could produce the same effect with brass, and that’s a lot chea- ….. All your life you’ve been in love with- ….Colour, brilliance, divine heaviness… No, of course we can do it, it’s just that it’s going to cost rather a lot…. And you want manacles on it… Two sets of manacles… We’ll get to work on it straight away, Mr Goldhand… -Finger, my apologies. Now, do you want it delivered? …. I see, you’ll send your odd job man round to collect it. Thanks again, Mr Gold, ahem, Goldfinger.
Now that Nay Time to Die is finished I find myself going through withdrawal. I therefore present a harmless bit of fun. If only I had photo editing software.
of course Steed is so old school we'd hardly notice the difference
____________________________________________
EDIT: actually how would you transpose Steed to the Elizabethan era? the point is he seems a century behind the times, so he'd have to be the scion of an old Saxon family, still dressed in vintage Saxon fashions and demonstrating authentic Saxon manners.
Lady Peel of course would be decked out in all the latest 16th century fashions. did they have leather in the 16th century?
and how would you transpose something like A Touch of Brimstone which is about an evil organization dressed in 18th century fashions in the 20th century? in fact so many of those plots were about reactionaries still living as if it were an earlier time itd get right confusing what was Olde just because its Shakespeare and what was supposed to be really Olde within Shakespeare!
Hmmm, maybe sometime but right now I'm going to stick to the Imaginary Conversations cos they've been a bit neglected lately with us all doing Fakespeare.
A plane heading across the Atlantic.
Stewardess: Captain, I think we may have a problem with one of the passengers.
Pilot: Oh? What’s that?
Stewardess: Well, you remember we all had to go on a course to help us identify passengers who might be a problem?
Pilot: Yes, of course.
Stewardess: There’s a man here who I’m sure is carrying a gun. I saw it when his jacket moved as I handed him a drink.
Pilot: Have you got a name for him?
Stewardess: Yes, it’s a Mr Bond sitting in seat number… (Checks clipboard.) 007.
Pilot: Bond? James Bond?
Stewardess: Yes, that’s right- do you know him?
Pilot: No, but that name came up on one of the awareness courses. Tell me, what drink did he order?
Stewardess: A vodka martini. Funny, he insisted on it being-
Pilot: Shaken, not stirred?
Stewardess: Yes, how did you know?
Pilot: Now listen, you’re quite right, we may have a problem here. Tell me, was he sitting in a window seat?
Stewardess: Yes, he was.
Pilot: Damn. We may have to go to an airport.
Stewardess: An airport- what is it?
Pilot: It’s a large area with runways, but that’s not important right now.
Stewardess: No, what’s the problem with the window seat?
Pilot: It’s just that he has a history of…. Well, never mind, I don’t want to alarm you.
Stewardess: What should we do?
Pilot: Double check that we have enough parachutes, for a start.
Stewardess: Including one for him?
Pilot: Oh no, he won’t be needing one. Is that all?
Stewardess: Yes, I think so… apart from the giant with steel teeth in the back row.
I was sorely tempted to put the "Surely you can't be serious?" line in but I resisted.
@Barbel Glad you liked The Ipcress Folio. It was actually the last one I thought up yet it's so obvious. I hope you're okay with the additions to the titles of Shakespeare's CR and QoS. It's funnier to make them a Part 1 and Part 2. Also makes the titles more "Shakespearean".
@caractacus potts There were a lot of Elizabethan plays set in earlier times, so an anachronistic Steed works. There were leather outer garments back then. I have no idea what they really looked like, but TV and movies have made them overly modern. I envision that Avengers tale to be the third in the series after The Avenging Lord Steed and Lord Doctor Keel and The Avenging Lord Steed and Lady Gale.
oh I got no funny dialogs for Shakespearean Avengers, but it sure does get my mind spinning over the geeky historical stuff that would come into play.
yes I know what you mean about historical period pieces within Shakespeare. I know I was supposed to learn something about history from Richard III for example. not sure if Shakespeare ever had a character who dressed like it was 1500 alongside characters living in 1600, and if he did would we even notice it?
I think even for Steed and Peel it would have to be in two parts: one just to establish the stylistic contrast between the two characters, then the second could be something like a backdated version of A Touch of Brimstone, confusing the era even further. But my brain breaks down when I try to imagine 1600 minus 100 years for Steed's style, then subtract a further 100 years (therefor 1400) for The Hellfire Club's style. We would need to consult with a historical fashion expert.
other thing is Peel's style: it was up-to-the minute when those shows were broadcast, but we perceive it as a nostalgic vision of swinging Mod London that may never have existed outside the movies of the time.
and @Barbel probably wants this unproductive offtopic brainstorming to continue in the other thread because this thread is for Imaginary Conversations that actually exist!
I notice on @Barbel's thread about Bond actor suggestions for one last movie, he tactfully refrains from having Cubby Broccoli suggest that after Licence to Kill, the franchise had many more years left in it.
Manager: Hello, Mr Largo?….. Yes, it’s Ocean Exotica here…. Yes, the shark food people. It seems that you’ve returned your supply of shark food today….. Not hungry? I must say, that’s very unusual for the Golden Grotto variety… No, I wouldn’t be calling except that you did this yesterday as well, and it’s very difficult to keep live food…. No, no, of course I don’t find anything suspicious… No, not at all, but we’ve been delivering to you for two weeks now and I wouldn’t like to think there’s any complaints about our product…. Perhaps you’ve found an alternative supplier?… Well, that’s very kind of you…. Yes, Mr Largo, I’ll be glad to come round to your place- Palmyra, isn’t it?- tomorrow at feeding time and you can show me exactly how you’ve been feeding your sharks. I’ll see you then…. Bye.
Cheerful Cellos, Vienna. Two apprentices are hard at work, giving a brand new and just finished cello a final polish.
Stefan: Not long now, Carl.
Carl: Yes, our apprenticeship is almost over. Soon we will be able to set up our own cello-making establishment!
Stefan: It has been fun, though, hasn’t it?
Carl: Fun? Hours upon hours selecting the best spruce and maple, carefully cutting it and planing it, using the best and only the best varnish… Yes, you’re right, it has been fun!
Stefan: Not to mention the day out at the local stables.
Carl: Oh yes, to pick out only the finest horsehair for the bow.
Stefan: Could be worse- we could be making porcelain at Meissen!
Carl: Oh yes- at least here they don’t smash your work against the wall!
(The door opens and the master cellomaker enters, accompanied by a dark-haired moustached man in his forties and a long-haired woman in her twenties.)
Master: So, you are just about finished there, boys?
Stefan: Oh yes, Herr Cellomeister, we’re just about finished.
Master: Good, I have some customers here who might be interested in buying your cello.
(The man and woman look over the cello carefully, smile at each other, then nod to the master.)
Master: Congratulations, Carl and Stefan- you’ve just made your first sale!
(Six months later, Stefan and Carl go to the cinema.)
Carl: Oh, I hope this will be a good one!
Stefan: Yes, it’s the first with the new guy.
Carl: Well, the other one was getting pretty old.
(The lights go down.)
Stefan: (About half an hour later.) Carl, you don’t think…?
Carl: No, surely not.
Stefan: Oh wait, I recognize it! I’m sure-
Carl: Oh no!
(Other audience members “Shush” them.)
Stefan: That’s not how you’re meant to use a cello!
Carl: All our hard work!
(The “shushing” gets louder and more insistent.)
Stefan: They’ve shot it! It’s got a hole!
Carl: A bullet hole!
(Ten minutes later they have been thrown out to the street, beside a tall weeping German.)
1962. Pinewood Studios, Editing Suite. Peter Hunt is hard at work, becoming more and more frustrated, when Terence Young walks in.
Terence: Hello there, Peter, how are things going?
Peter: How are things going? Terrible!
Terence: Oh surely it can’t be as bad as that. How far have you got to?
Peter: I’m at the scene where Bond goes to Miss Taro’s place and Professor Dent tries to shoot him.
Terence: And what’s wrong?
Peter: It’d be quicker to tell you what’s right! Well, for one thing you remember when she gives him directions to her place?
Terence: Of course. “You leave the Port Royal Road out of Kingston. Then, along the Winthrop Road, until you get to the cement factory. Then you turn left. Follow the road up the hill. Down the other side. And two miles further on, on the left, Magenta Drive 2391. I'll be waiting for you.”
Peter: Sure, but then later he calls what she thinks is a taxi to “2171 Magenta Drive” and she nods!
Terence: Oh, nobody will notice that!
Peter: Maybe not the first time they see this film, but if they watch it again they will.
Terence: (Scoffs.) Who’s going to watch this again and again?
Peter: Well, same scene, we have to see Professor Dent walking up to the house and you haven’t shot that!
Terence: What? Are you sure?
Peter: I’ve been through all the rushes- it’s not there.
Terence: There’s no way Cubby and Harry are going to allow us to go back out to Jamaica just to film that one shot. Hmm, let me think… Take the shot of James Bond walking up to the house, change the angle, put a night filter on it.
Peter: (Doubtful.) Are you sure?
Terence: Don’t see what else we can do.
Peter: All right, I’ll do that, but also-
Terence: You mean there’s more?
Peter: Oh yes. Are you sure you were sober shooting this part?
Terence: Of course I was sober! ….Though I had been out drinking with Ian Fleming the night before.
Peter: Ah, that explains it.
Terence: Just one drink!
Peter: Well, I think we all know what one of his drinks is like- three measures of Gordons, one of vodka, half a measure of-
Terence: All right, all right. Point taken. What else have you noticed?
Peter: Bond puts a silencer on his gun.
Terence: And?
Peter: In the long shot he’s wearing a tie. In the close-up he isn’t.
Terence: Oh well, I think-
Peter: And it’s the wrong gun.
Terence: Right… just go for it, keep the shots short.
Peter: Then there’s his sock. In some shots-
Terence: Enough, Peter! You’re going into too much detail! It’s not like some nerd will be writing these all out for other nerds to read sixty years from now!
SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE - BOND 26 - Another Reboot.
M and Tanner in M’s office:
M: (Speaking into intercom) Send in the last applicant, Moneypenny.
Moneypenny: Ahem! Miss Moneypenny to you!
M: Ah! Sorry…Miss Moneypenny… I keep forgetting these new rules…everyone must be treated as an equal.
A man enters M’s office and sits down in front of a desk with M and Tanner on the other side.
Tanner: You’re Mr… (shuffles papers trying to read the name)
Bond: Bond…James Bond.
Tanner: Yes, yes…um…you’re applying for the position of a double-O agent?
Bond: Yes, I feel that I am perfect for the new style of agent required by Her Majesty’s Secret Service.
M: You are aware that this is a licence to kill position?
Bond: Well, I think that must be a last resort, talking is much more preferable in the course of events, violence is never a good action to take when you could discuss the reasons behind the actions of the perpetrator.
M and Tanner exchange glances.
M: How about women? Would you, for example, make love to an enemy spy for Queen and country?
Bond: For goodness sake, no. Women are to be respected. In fact I have no experience of women at all, it is harassment to even talk to a woman in case she may feel violated, for instance, saying that you like her pretty dress, or her hair-do, is an extreme sexual advance that I consider to be most inappropriate.
M: You have passed the advanced driving test?
Bond: Yes, and of course I would never break any speed limit or drive in any way that would endanger others.
M: Going into deep cover…you would blend in as any person that would fit the situation…a Japanese fisherman for example?
Bond: No, no, no. That would be cultural appropriation and not acceptable. I can only be myself, a virgin, English male, vegan of course, I could never have crabs for example.
Tanner: Well, if you never go with women that won’t be a problem.
M: Anyway, thank you Bond…I mean Mr Bond…u can go now and we will notify you in due course.
Bond leaves.
M: So it’s a toss up between Flint and Helm?
Tanner: Or Palmer…?
M: Where’s his file…?
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
Comments
Nicely meta. I especially liked the Patrick Stewart joke. 😂😂😂
1971.
Cubby: Sean, we’d be very happy if you came back one more time as James Bond in our next film, Live And Let Die.
Sean: Ok, Cubby, but there’sh one condition.
Cubby: More money? I suppose I could-
Sean: No, it’sh not the money. I come back if….
Cubby: Yes?
Sean: And only if….
Cubby: Yes?????
Sean: Jamesh Bond diesh at the end of the film.
Cubby: What????
Sean: Jamesh Bond diesh at-
Cubby: Yes, yes, I heard you, but surely you can’t be serious?
(Barbel resists using the “Airplane” reply, but it’s a close call.)
Sean: Oh, yesh. I think it will bring my time ash Bond to an appropriate end.
Cubby: No way! There’s years of life left in Bond- in fact, I’d bet it could go on forever, long after both of us have gone.
Sean: Well, if that’sh how you feel…
Cubby: It most certainly is.
Sean: Shee you shometime.
(Sean exits. Cubby picks up the phone.)
Cubby: Hi, Harry? Do we still have Roger Moore’s phone number?
1985.
Cubby: Roger, we’d be very happy if you came back one more time as James Bond in our next film, The Living Daylights.
Roger: Ok, Cubby, but there’s one condition.
Cubby: More money? I suppose I could-
Roger: No, it’s not the money. I come back if….
Cubby: Yes?
Roger: And only if….
Cubby: Yes?????
Roger: James Bond dies at the end of the film.
Cubby: What????
Roger: James Bond dies at-
Cubby: Yes, yes, I heard you, but surely you can’t be serious?
(Barbel again resists using the “Airplane” reply, but struggles.)
Roger: Oh, yes. I think it will bring my time as Bond to an appropriate end.
Cubby: No way! There’s years of life left in Bond- in fact, I’d bet it could go on forever, long after both of us have gone.
Roger: Well, if that’s how you feel…
Cubby: It most certainly is.
Roger: See you sometime.
(Roger exits. Cubby picks up the phone.)
Cubby: Hi, Michael? Do we still have Pierce Brosnan’s phone number?
2015:
Barbara: Daniel, we’d be very happy if you came back one more time as James Bond in our next film, No Time To Die.
Craig: Ok, Barbara, but there’s one condition.
Barbara: More money? I suppose I could-
Craig: No, it’s not the money. I come back if….
Barbara: Yes?
Craig: And only if….
Barbara: Yes?????
Craig:: James Bond dies at the end of the film.
Barbara: Yes, no problem.
London 2012
Bond, Moneypenny, Tanner, and Q are seated in a private room at a karaoke club.
Bond: I'm going to need a lot more alcohol if you expect me to sing in public.
Moneypenny: Public? There are four of us. No whisky for you, James. You'll get all dour and subject us to 'Hurt' by Johnny Cash.
Tanner: Complete with a Kentucky Fried accent.
Bond: I was thinking vodka martinis and the Nine Inch Nails version.
Moneypenny: Don't be a smart ass. Who shall go first? Q?
Q: Do you really have to call me 'Q'?
Moneypenny (Whispering into Q's ear) Well, Mr. Boothroyd, how about your university nickname? Boo Boo?
Q: Q it is.
Moneypenny: So what are you singing?
Q: I do a mean Freddie Mercury.
Tanner: I'm thinking something from The Rocky Horror Show. (Q gives Tanner an appreciative look.) What about you, Eve?
Moneypenny: (Scanning the catalog) They have songs from After School. Maybe I will start with 'First Love'.
Q: K-Pop. Nice.
Bond: You speak Korean, Eve?
Monneypenny: I was stationed there for three years, James. Something you'd know if you took an interest in your coworkers.
Bond: What will I sing? Something upbeat? How about--
Monneypenny, Tanner and Q: No ABBA!!
Thirty Minutes Later:
Bond knocks back a double sake served at the perfect temperature, 98.4 degrees Fahrenheit. He takes the microphone. Music begins and Bond begins to sing:
Moneypenny: Oh my god, something else he's good at.
Tanner looks to Q and Moneypenny.
Tanner: You two look as if you are about to start drooling.
Bond finishes the song, Maybe it's the sake, but he is having fun.
Bond: Do you mind if I do another?,,,,(He scrolls through the song selections)...Perfect.
The Who? Interesting selection!
the song makes perfect sense, as he does have Blue Eyes. and its probably a more appropriate lyric, than lets say Uncle Ernie
Exactly @caractacus potts that's why I chose Behind Blue Eyes. Goldmines in the Sky, well...there's audio of Daniel Craig singing it.
Any guesses about the rest of the Scooby Gang's choices?
oh I dont know the other actors resumes well enough to guess...
is it
Q does Freddy Mercury?
Tanner does Rocky Horror?
Moneypenny does Korean K-pop?
now if it were Blofeld from Diamonds are forever (who even dressed in drag) I could see him singing something from Rocky Horror. In fact I believe I once did.
For Tanner it was either Rocky Horror or **hint** Putting on the Ritz.
My thought process on the songs:
Q does Queen because Ben Wishaw was rumored to play Freddie Mercury in a biopic.
Tanner does Rocky Horror because he played Frankenstein's Monster in Penny Dreadful. Yes, it's a stretch. Plus it sews the seeds for the Q/Tanner stuff in previous imaginary conversations.
Moneypenny choosing K-Pop is just because it's fun. Plus circa 2012 when Skyfall was released was the apex of K-Pop according to some.
Everyone saying "No Abba!" was a dig at Pierce Brosnan's singing in Mamma Mia. It was the original capper to the skit before I hit upon Bond's songs.
Bond's choices are described in my last post.
westward sez:
For Tanner it was either Rocky Horror or **hint** Putting on the Ritz
yes I've always enjoyed the Frankenstein Monster's rendition of this Irving Berlin classic
1964
Hello, Swiss Furniture AG?…… Ah hello again, Mr Goldfoot…. Finger, sorry…..Why, yes, of course we’d be available to do a job for you…. A table, you say? No problem, we can do that. Now, what size?…. Eight foot by three? Well you see, we use the metric system here and… Yes, that’s better, we can do that for you. Now, the wood- oak? Pine? Perhaps mahogany? …. Oh, you want gold… No, of course I realise your name isn’t Mahoganyfinger ha ha… Still, are you sure? We could produce the same effect with brass, and that’s a lot chea- ….. All your life you’ve been in love with- ….Colour, brilliance, divine heaviness… No, of course we can do it, it’s just that it’s going to cost rather a lot…. And you want manacles on it… Two sets of manacles… We’ll get to work on it straight away, Mr Goldhand… -Finger, my apologies. Now, do you want it delivered? …. I see, you’ll send your odd job man round to collect it. Thanks again, Mr Gold, ahem, Goldfinger.
Now that Nay Time to Die is finished I find myself going through withdrawal. I therefore present a harmless bit of fun. If only I had photo editing software.
I'm going through withdrawal as well. I'll most likely do another one of these before today's over.
Loved "Ipcress Folio"!
I'd like to see some of these rivals of Sir James
of course Steed is so old school we'd hardly notice the difference
____________________________________________
EDIT: actually how would you transpose Steed to the Elizabethan era? the point is he seems a century behind the times, so he'd have to be the scion of an old Saxon family, still dressed in vintage Saxon fashions and demonstrating authentic Saxon manners.
Lady Peel of course would be decked out in all the latest 16th century fashions. did they have leather in the 16th century?
and how would you transpose something like A Touch of Brimstone which is about an evil organization dressed in 18th century fashions in the 20th century? in fact so many of those plots were about reactionaries still living as if it were an earlier time itd get right confusing what was Olde just because its Shakespeare and what was supposed to be really Olde within Shakespeare!
Hmmm, maybe sometime but right now I'm going to stick to the Imaginary Conversations cos they've been a bit neglected lately with us all doing Fakespeare.
A plane heading across the Atlantic.
Stewardess: Captain, I think we may have a problem with one of the passengers.
Pilot: Oh? What’s that?
Stewardess: Well, you remember we all had to go on a course to help us identify passengers who might be a problem?
Pilot: Yes, of course.
Stewardess: There’s a man here who I’m sure is carrying a gun. I saw it when his jacket moved as I handed him a drink.
Pilot: Have you got a name for him?
Stewardess: Yes, it’s a Mr Bond sitting in seat number… (Checks clipboard.) 007.
Pilot: Bond? James Bond?
Stewardess: Yes, that’s right- do you know him?
Pilot: No, but that name came up on one of the awareness courses. Tell me, what drink did he order?
Stewardess: A vodka martini. Funny, he insisted on it being-
Pilot: Shaken, not stirred?
Stewardess: Yes, how did you know?
Pilot: Now listen, you’re quite right, we may have a problem here. Tell me, was he sitting in a window seat?
Stewardess: Yes, he was.
Pilot: Damn. We may have to go to an airport.
Stewardess: An airport- what is it?
Pilot: It’s a large area with runways, but that’s not important right now.
Stewardess: No, what’s the problem with the window seat?
Pilot: It’s just that he has a history of…. Well, never mind, I don’t want to alarm you.
Stewardess: What should we do?
Pilot: Double check that we have enough parachutes, for a start.
Stewardess: Including one for him?
Pilot: Oh no, he won’t be needing one. Is that all?
Stewardess: Yes, I think so… apart from the giant with steel teeth in the back row.
I was sorely tempted to put the "Surely you can't be serious?" line in but I resisted.
@Barbel Glad you liked The Ipcress Folio. It was actually the last one I thought up yet it's so obvious. I hope you're okay with the additions to the titles of Shakespeare's CR and QoS. It's funnier to make them a Part 1 and Part 2. Also makes the titles more "Shakespearean".
@caractacus potts There were a lot of Elizabethan plays set in earlier times, so an anachronistic Steed works. There were leather outer garments back then. I have no idea what they really looked like, but TV and movies have made them overly modern. I envision that Avengers tale to be the third in the series after The Avenging Lord Steed and Lord Doctor Keel and The Avenging Lord Steed and Lady Gale.
oh I got no funny dialogs for Shakespearean Avengers, but it sure does get my mind spinning over the geeky historical stuff that would come into play.
yes I know what you mean about historical period pieces within Shakespeare. I know I was supposed to learn something about history from Richard III for example. not sure if Shakespeare ever had a character who dressed like it was 1500 alongside characters living in 1600, and if he did would we even notice it?
I think even for Steed and Peel it would have to be in two parts: one just to establish the stylistic contrast between the two characters, then the second could be something like a backdated version of A Touch of Brimstone, confusing the era even further. But my brain breaks down when I try to imagine 1600 minus 100 years for Steed's style, then subtract a further 100 years (therefor 1400) for The Hellfire Club's style. We would need to consult with a historical fashion expert.
other thing is Peel's style: it was up-to-the minute when those shows were broadcast, but we perceive it as a nostalgic vision of swinging Mod London that may never have existed outside the movies of the time.
and @Barbel probably wants this unproductive offtopic brainstorming to continue in the other thread because this thread is for Imaginary Conversations that actually exist!
I wouldn't say unproductive, but yes, the other thread is more appropriate.
I notice on @Barbel's thread about Bond actor suggestions for one last movie, he tactfully refrains from having Cubby Broccoli suggest that after Licence to Kill, the franchise had many more years left in it.
Roger Moore 1927-2017
😃😃😃 though that's not the reason it isn't there, of course.
James Bond becomes reality adventure game show… — ajb007
2022.
Eon HQ, Jamaica, in a place that is definitely not Goldeneye, no sir. MGW and BB are hearing a pitch from a TV executive.
TV Guy: ...so we’re thinking of a game show, with a James Bond-style twist to it.
MGW: Game show?
TV Guy: Yeah, it’ll be like a race around the world using lots and lots of locations famous from the Bond movies.
BB: Just a race?
TV Guy: Oh no, there’ll be questions hidden in these locations that the contestants have to answer to move on to the next location.
MGW: Questions, you say?
TV Guy: That’s right, we’ll be testing the contestants for intelligence as well as endurance.
BB: (Aside.) Not to say the viewers.
TV Guy: What?
BB: Oh nothing, please continue.
TV Guy: As well as answering the questions, there’ll be physical obstacles and the contestants will work in pairs.
MGW: Have you got a title for it? Something classy, in line with Eon’s traditions?
TV Guy: We’re going with “007’s Road To A Million”.
(Barbara and Michael shudder, then confer.)
MGW: We think it sounds cheap and tacky.
BB: It’s the sort of thing that would devalue the Bond name, image, and brand.
TV Guy: ...so?
MGW: We’re in. Let Bezos worry about it.
I thought this thread was for imaginary conversations 👀😳
Ah well, perhaps. 😁
1965
Ocean Exotica, Nassau branch.
Manager: Hello, Mr Largo?….. Yes, it’s Ocean Exotica here…. Yes, the shark food people. It seems that you’ve returned your supply of shark food today….. Not hungry? I must say, that’s very unusual for the Golden Grotto variety… No, I wouldn’t be calling except that you did this yesterday as well, and it’s very difficult to keep live food…. No, no, of course I don’t find anything suspicious… No, not at all, but we’ve been delivering to you for two weeks now and I wouldn’t like to think there’s any complaints about our product…. Perhaps you’ve found an alternative supplier?… Well, that’s very kind of you…. Yes, Mr Largo, I’ll be glad to come round to your place- Palmyra, isn’t it?- tomorrow at feeding time and you can show me exactly how you’ve been feeding your sharks. I’ll see you then…. Bye.
And I thought I was dark in The Ipcress Folio coda. 😁😁😁
I'd better make the next one lighter!
🙈👀🤣
1987
Cheerful Cellos, Vienna. Two apprentices are hard at work, giving a brand new and just finished cello a final polish.
Stefan: Not long now, Carl.
Carl: Yes, our apprenticeship is almost over. Soon we will be able to set up our own cello-making establishment!
Stefan: It has been fun, though, hasn’t it?
Carl: Fun? Hours upon hours selecting the best spruce and maple, carefully cutting it and planing it, using the best and only the best varnish… Yes, you’re right, it has been fun!
Stefan: Not to mention the day out at the local stables.
Carl: Oh yes, to pick out only the finest horsehair for the bow.
Stefan: Could be worse- we could be making porcelain at Meissen!
Carl: Oh yes- at least here they don’t smash your work against the wall!
(The door opens and the master cellomaker enters, accompanied by a dark-haired moustached man in his forties and a long-haired woman in her twenties.)
Master: So, you are just about finished there, boys?
Stefan: Oh yes, Herr Cellomeister, we’re just about finished.
Master: Good, I have some customers here who might be interested in buying your cello.
(The man and woman look over the cello carefully, smile at each other, then nod to the master.)
Master: Congratulations, Carl and Stefan- you’ve just made your first sale!
(Six months later, Stefan and Carl go to the cinema.)
Carl: Oh, I hope this will be a good one!
Stefan: Yes, it’s the first with the new guy.
Carl: Well, the other one was getting pretty old.
(The lights go down.)
Stefan: (About half an hour later.) Carl, you don’t think…?
Carl: No, surely not.
Stefan: Oh wait, I recognize it! I’m sure-
Carl: Oh no!
(Other audience members “Shush” them.)
Stefan: That’s not how you’re meant to use a cello!
Carl: All our hard work!
(The “shushing” gets louder and more insistent.)
Stefan: They’ve shot it! It’s got a hole!
Carl: A bullet hole!
(Ten minutes later they have been thrown out to the street, beside a tall weeping German.)
Stefan: Not my kind of movie, anyway.
Carl: Yeah- too much sax and violins.
1962. Pinewood Studios, Editing Suite. Peter Hunt is hard at work, becoming more and more frustrated, when Terence Young walks in.
Terence: Hello there, Peter, how are things going?
Peter: How are things going? Terrible!
Terence: Oh surely it can’t be as bad as that. How far have you got to?
Peter: I’m at the scene where Bond goes to Miss Taro’s place and Professor Dent tries to shoot him.
Terence: And what’s wrong?
Peter: It’d be quicker to tell you what’s right! Well, for one thing you remember when she gives him directions to her place?
Terence: Of course. “You leave the Port Royal Road out of Kingston. Then, along the Winthrop Road, until you get to the cement factory. Then you turn left. Follow the road up the hill. Down the other side. And two miles further on, on the left, Magenta Drive 2391. I'll be waiting for you.”
Peter: Sure, but then later he calls what she thinks is a taxi to “2171 Magenta Drive” and she nods!
Terence: Oh, nobody will notice that!
Peter: Maybe not the first time they see this film, but if they watch it again they will.
Terence: (Scoffs.) Who’s going to watch this again and again?
Peter: Well, same scene, we have to see Professor Dent walking up to the house and you haven’t shot that!
Terence: What? Are you sure?
Peter: I’ve been through all the rushes- it’s not there.
Terence: There’s no way Cubby and Harry are going to allow us to go back out to Jamaica just to film that one shot. Hmm, let me think… Take the shot of James Bond walking up to the house, change the angle, put a night filter on it.
Peter: (Doubtful.) Are you sure?
Terence: Don’t see what else we can do.
Peter: All right, I’ll do that, but also-
Terence: You mean there’s more?
Peter: Oh yes. Are you sure you were sober shooting this part?
Terence: Of course I was sober! ….Though I had been out drinking with Ian Fleming the night before.
Peter: Ah, that explains it.
Terence: Just one drink!
Peter: Well, I think we all know what one of his drinks is like- three measures of Gordons, one of vodka, half a measure of-
Terence: All right, all right. Point taken. What else have you noticed?
Peter: Bond puts a silencer on his gun.
Terence: And?
Peter: In the long shot he’s wearing a tie. In the close-up he isn’t.
Terence: Oh well, I think-
Peter: And it’s the wrong gun.
Terence: Right… just go for it, keep the shots short.
Peter: Then there’s his sock. In some shots-
Terence: Enough, Peter! You’re going into too much detail! It’s not like some nerd will be writing these all out for other nerds to read sixty years from now!
Very good, as usual, Barbel 😁
SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE - BOND 26 - Another Reboot.
M and Tanner in M’s office:
M: (Speaking into intercom) Send in the last applicant, Moneypenny.
Moneypenny: Ahem! Miss Moneypenny to you!
M: Ah! Sorry…Miss Moneypenny… I keep forgetting these new rules…everyone must be treated as an equal.
A man enters M’s office and sits down in front of a desk with M and Tanner on the other side.
Tanner: You’re Mr… (shuffles papers trying to read the name)
Bond: Bond…James Bond.
Tanner: Yes, yes…um…you’re applying for the position of a double-O agent?
Bond: Yes, I feel that I am perfect for the new style of agent required by Her Majesty’s Secret Service.
M: You are aware that this is a licence to kill position?
Bond: Well, I think that must be a last resort, talking is much more preferable in the course of events, violence is never a good action to take when you could discuss the reasons behind the actions of the perpetrator.
M and Tanner exchange glances.
M: How about women? Would you, for example, make love to an enemy spy for Queen and country?
Bond: For goodness sake, no. Women are to be respected. In fact I have no experience of women at all, it is harassment to even talk to a woman in case she may feel violated, for instance, saying that you like her pretty dress, or her hair-do, is an extreme sexual advance that I consider to be most inappropriate.
M: You have passed the advanced driving test?
Bond: Yes, and of course I would never break any speed limit or drive in any way that would endanger others.
M: Going into deep cover…you would blend in as any person that would fit the situation…a Japanese fisherman for example?
Bond: No, no, no. That would be cultural appropriation and not acceptable. I can only be myself, a virgin, English male, vegan of course, I could never have crabs for example.
Tanner: Well, if you never go with women that won’t be a problem.
M: Anyway, thank you Bond…I mean Mr Bond…u can go now and we will notify you in due course.
Bond leaves.
M: So it’s a toss up between Flint and Helm?
Tanner: Or Palmer…?
M: Where’s his file…?
😂😂😂 It's all too likely, I'm afraid. Can you hear that strange rolling sound coming from Fleming's grave, even from where you are?