2015.Rome. Spectre HQ. Ernst Stavro Blofeld prepares for the big meeting.
Blofeld: (Staring into mirror.) The hair, I don’t know, is it too bouncy?
Dresser: No, Herr Oberhau- (Sees the death glare from Blofeld’s eyes.) I mean, Herr Blofeld, I think it is fine.
Blofeld: (Touches hair.) I’m not sure, it might perhaps be a bit too casual.
Dresser: We could always go the traditional route and shave it all off….
Blofeld: (Quickly.) No, no, it’s fine, just leave it. Now, what do we have here…? I think I shall have this!
Dresser: Ah, the eyepatch. We call that the “Adolfo”. A bit dated, Herr Blofeld.
Blofeld: Well, this, then. (He holds up a fake scar with an eyehole in the middle.)
Dresser: Ah, the “Evil” scar. No, I don’t think you want that, sir.
Blofeld: And why not?
Dresser: It is known in the trade as the “Mike Myers Special”. Not something you want to be drawing attention to, if you see what I mean.
Blofeld: A lame hand? A hump? A beard?
Dresser: I think you look fine just as you are, Herr Blofeld. The Nehru suit and lack of socks definitely complement your style.
(There is a knock at the door, and a head appears round it.)
Head: He’s here now, Herr Blofeld.
Blofeld: Are you sure it’s him?
Head: He’s on the balcony. Gave his name as “Mickey Mouse”. Blue eyes, blond hair, about 5’6” – (There is the sound of a kick.)- Ow! I mean, about six foot tall.
Blofeld: Excellent. Let us go. Neal! Robert!
(His two bodyguards slot into place beside him and he heads for the door.)
Dresser: Oh, I almost forgot- Herr Blofeld!
Blofeld: (Turning, annoyed.) Yes, what is it?
(The dresser produces a small bottle and sprays it lightly on Blofeld.)
Dresser: Just arrived today! It’s called “Eau de Mal Homme.”
Blofeld: Where did we get it from?
Dresser: A present from Vlad in Moscow.
Blofeld: I must send him something in return. Oh well, time for the, shall I say, reunion?
BB: So, we’ve reached the second half of the script. Any ideas?
Wade: Well, Neal and I have been talking…
MGW: Sure, what have you got?
Purvis: Bond has been disturbed by memories- we’ve seen a childhood picture of him and Le Chiffre.
BB: And?
Wade: It turns out that Bond and Le Chiffre were brought up as brothers.
MGW: What?
Purvis: Le Chiffre is jealous of Bond for stealing his father’s affections- in fact, he calls him “cuckoo”.
BB: I’m calling you cuckoo.
Wade: No, listen, he says “We’re not so very different, you and I” drawing a parallel between the two of them.
MGW: I’m drawing a line under this right now. This sounds awfully like what happened in the Austin Powers movies.
Purvis: But-
BB: No, we’re not going there. We do the card game, Le Chiffre battering Bond’s balls, then spend the rest of the film with Bond and Vesper falling in love.
Wade: But-
MGW: We said NO, Robert. Now, let’s hear no more about it.
BB: So, we’ve reached the second half of the script. Any ideas?
Wade: Well, Neal and I have been talking…
MGW: Sure, what have you got?
Purvis: Bond has been disturbed by memories- we’ve seen a childhood picture of him and Dominic Greene.
BB: And?
Wade: It turns out that Bond and Greene were brought up as brothers.
MGW: What?
Purvis: Greene is jealous of Bond for stealing his father’s affections- in fact, he calls him “cuckoo”.
BB: I’m calling you cuckoo.
Wade: No, listen, he says “We’re not so very different, you and I” drawing a parallel between the two of them.
MGW: I’m drawing a line under this right now. This sounds awfully like what happened in the Austin Powers movies.
Purvis: But-
BB: No, we’re not going there. We do the exploding hotel, Greene being abandoned in the desert, Bond totally not getting off with Camille, then end with him and M.
Wade: But-
MGW: We said NO, Robert. Now, let’s hear no more about it.
1983. The house of James Villiers. Villiers paces back and forward.
Mrs Villiers: Will you relax, James?
Villiers: I can’t relax!
Mrs Villiers: If they want you, they’ll call you.
Villiers: That’s just it. I know they start shooting “Octopussy” next week, and I haven’t heard anything!
Mrs Villiers: Did they say they would call?
Villiers: No, they didn’t, but I was good enough to step into the breach for “For Your Eyes Only” when Bernard Lee had died and I replaced him, playing Bill Tanner.
Mrs Villiers: Yes, I remember.
Villiers: So you’d think they would want me to continue. I mean, they’re known to do that sort of thing- Lois Maxwell, Desmond Llewelyn for instance.
Mrs Villiers: Yes, I know.
Villiers: So the next logical step is to make me M!
Mrs Villiers: Just sit down, I’ll make us a cup of tea.
Villiers: I can’t sit down!
Mrs Villiers: James, sit down!
(He reluctantly sits down, then leaps to his feet five seconds later.)
Villiers: They’ve got to phone! Time’s getting really short!
Mrs Villiers: Look, James-
(The telephone rings. They stare at each other, then Villiers grabs the phone.)
Villiers: Hello? Hello? Yes, it’s me. (He covers the mouthpiece and speaks to Mrs Villiers.) It’s my agent.
Mrs Villiers: (Relieved.) Oh, good.
Villiers: Yes, I’m listening… You have a copy of the cast list? And…. Robert Brown is playing M?
Mrs Villiers: Oh dear…
Villiers: So, who’s playing Tanner? …. Nobody??? Are you sure?…. Yes, all right. I’ll call you later. (Hangs up.)
Mrs Villiers: Oh James, that’s a shame.
Villiers: (Deep breaths.) All right, all right. Just because Tanner isn’t in this film doesn’t mean he won’t be back. And I know they’ll be wanting me then!
A timeline near our own where a young Timothy Dalton replaced Sean Connery in ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE.
London, 1982
Lois Maxwell answers her phone to a familiar voice.
Lois: Hello?
Sean: Hello, Loish? It’s Sean. I have shomething very important to ashk you.
Lois: Hello, Sean. What can I do for you?
Sean: Loish, as you may know my “rival” Bond movie begins production next month. I want you there.
Lois: That’s very generous of you, Sean, but I don’t know….
Sean: Lishten, Cubby was a f*cking moron to let you go after I quit.
Lois: I understand his reasoning. Tim Dalton was a child back in ‘69. I would have looked like his mother next to him.
Sean: Nonshense. You’ve shtill got it and I shay you join me and we give the middle finger to Eon.
Lois: Coming in for a scene or two to rehash the old routine just won’t cut it, Sean. Also, my agent slipped me the sides for Moneypenny. She’s clueless. “Free radicals”!?! It’s embarrassing.
Sean: Loish, I’m doing mosht of the producer duties on the film. My writers are rewriting the shcript. Tell me what you want and I can make it happen.
Lois: Well…
1983. Elstree Studios.
Interior M’s Office:
Bond enters M’s office. He stops at the large desk. M’s chair is turned away from Bond.
Bond: 007 reporting as ordered, M.
M’s chair swivels around to reveal Moneypenny as the new M.
M: Sit down, James. We need to discuss the results of your field exercise.
Bond: Of coursh, Moneypenny. Shorry...M.
They give each other a knowing smile and return to business.
1963. Eon HQ- still only an office, the many many millions have still to roll in. Harry Saltzman & Cubby Broccoli are in discussion- still friendly, in the main, their deeper quarrels have still to set in.
Harry: Well, I like it.
Cubby: It’s just not right, Harry, we have to change it.
Harry: I don’t see what’s wrong with it.
Cubby: Look, let’s just take a scene at random- here, Bond meets Kerim.
Kerim: Ah, greetings my friend.
Bond: ‘Allo me old china, ‘owzabout a bit of a chinwag, eh?
(Bond takes his glasses off and cleans them on his tie.)
Harry: So?
Cubby: You can’t see anything wrong with that?
Harry: Sounds good to me.
(Cubby sighs and presses a button on the intercom.)
Secretary: Yes, Mr Broccoli?
Cubby: Send in Mr Deighton, would you please?
Secretary: Of course, sir.
(The door opens, and Len Deighton enters.)
Deighton: Good morning, gentlemen.
Harry: Good morning, Len. Cubby here feels there may be one or two little drawbacks with the screenplay of “From Russia With Love” that you’ve been writing for us.
Deighton: Oh yes? And what might those be?
Cubby: Look, let’s just take another scene. (He flicks through the screenplay.) Here, Kerim takes Bond to the gypsy camp.
Kerim: Tonight, my friend, we are going to a gypsy camp.
Bond: Cor blimey, guv, gypsies? They goin’ to be trying to sell us somefin?
Kerim: These are very good friends of mine.
Bond: Well I ain’t so sure, I’ll be sittin’ on me wallet an’ keepin’ me hand over me watch, know what I mean?
Deighton: Yes, I was quite pleased with that part.
Cubby: Quite pleased? Have you read any of the James Bond books? Or seen our first movie? Do you know how James Bond talks, for God’s sake?
Harry: Hey, hold on a minute, Cubby.
Deighton: Well, I thought that-
Cubby: I don’t think that!!!
Harry: Listen, Cubby, I’ve got an idea. (Cubby’s eyes roll in sarcastic shock, but Harry misses it.) Why don’t Len and I go off together and work on one of his ideas, maybe that “Ipcress” story?
Deighton: Hmmm…. All right with me.
Cubby: And meanwhile?
Harry: Meanwhile, you give Richard Maibaum a call again and the two of you can work on “From Russia With Love”.
Cubby: Hmmm… All right, fair enough- but I claim John Barry!
Oh no, it's not a "What If". Deighton really did work on the FRWL screenplay before Maibaum, with Harry Saltzman taking him to Istanbul early in the process.
the best was when I asked about one of the nonspeaking female extras in Moonraker, an actress I finally realised was in two different scenes, and within seconds @Barbel was telling us all about the various titled aristocrat chicks Drax hangs out with and assuring us they all went up in the space shuttles, he knew all the actresses names and included a screencap of exactly which one was Lois Maxwell's daughter. within seconds and completely encyclopedic!
1973. Pinewood Studios, set of “Live And Let Die”.
Guy Hamilton: So, Yaphet and Roger, I need a bunch of shots of the two of you fighting in the water.
Roger Moore: Of course, Guy.
Yaphet Kotto: No problem.
Guy: We’ve already got the fight on land and the two of you falling into the water. I’ll be intercutting that with some shots of sharks once you’re in the water, just to add the necessary element of danger.
Roger: But of course.
Yaphet: As long as there’s no real sharks in the water with us!
Guy: Relax, they’ll be filmed separately then we’ll cut the film together.
Roger: Glad to hear that!
Guy: Just remember, during the underwater fight, Roger you have to slip the shark pellet into Yaphet’s mouth so that he blows up.
Roger: All right.
Guy: Okay boys, bring in the inflatable Dr Kananga.
(The stagehands manoeuvre the balloon version of Kananga into position.)
Yaphet: Oh, wait just one minute here.
Guy: A problem, Yaphet?
Yaphet: You’re damn right there’s a problem. That… thing! … is supposed to be me????
Guy: Yes, that’s right.
Yaphet: That looks nothing like me!
Guy: Yes, but you see-
Yaphet: No way am I agreeing to that!
Guy: Yaphet, if you’d just-
Yaphet: I know Roger’s gotta win the fight, he’s James Bond after all, but can’t he just make it out of the pool and watch me being eaten by the sharks?
Guy: Yes, but-
Yaphet: That’s close enough to what happens in the book, after all!
Guy: Yaphet, please-
Yaphet: This is ridiculous! It makes a mockery of the ending!
Guy: Do you know how much we spent on this inflatable model of you? It’s going in.
Comments
1962. Set of “Dr No”. Cubby Broccoli and Harry Saltzman show a visiting Ian Fleming around the sets, introducing him to cast and crew.
Cubby: ...and this is our director, Mr Terence Young.
Fleming: I believe we’ve met, Mr Young.
Terence: Indeed, but I trust we’re going to get along better now.
Fleming: But of course.
(They eye each other warily.)
Harry: And our leading actors. Sean Connery you know, of course.
Sean: A pleashure to shee you again, Mr-
Fleming: But who is this delightful young lady here?
Cubby: This is our leading lady, Miss Ursula Andress.
Fleming: What a lovely name!
Ursula: Thank you, Mr Fleming.
Fleming: Call me Ian, my dear. And where are you from, Miss Andress, Sweden perhaps?
Ursula: No, I am Swiss.
Fleming: Swiss! What a coincidence! I am writing James Bond’s latest adventure at the moment, and in it he goes to Switzerland.
Ursula: That is interesting.
Sean: Yesh, and-
Fleming: Perhaps you might like to come round and give me some tips on Switzerland, just for some local colour?
Ursula: Well, I don’t know…
Fleming: Of course you can! And maybe we could have a drink or two?
Sean: Mr Fleming, I think-
Fleming: I know! I can write you into the novel! Wouldn’t that be wonderful?
Ursula: That is very flattering, Mr Flem-
Fleming: Ian, my dear, Ian!
Ursula: Er, Ian, yes, of course.
Sean: Thish shcene we’re doing jusht now ish-
Fleming: So, what time does shooting stop today?
Harry: We stop at 6pm.
Fleming: Excellent! So, Ursula, I’ll pick you up at, let’s say, 6.15?
(He wanders off. Sean and Ursula look at Cubby and Harry, who shrug helplessly.)
Have you got a time machine, Barbel, this looks uncannily true!
And yes, I can hear Fleming turning in his grave loud and clear, loud and clear.
The time machine + a bug in the offices of Eon. I have the idea for another, might write it out later tonight if I get the chance.
2015. Rome. Spectre HQ. Ernst Stavro Blofeld prepares for the big meeting.
Blofeld: (Staring into mirror.) The hair, I don’t know, is it too bouncy?
Dresser: No, Herr Oberhau- (Sees the death glare from Blofeld’s eyes.) I mean, Herr Blofeld, I think it is fine.
Blofeld: (Touches hair.) I’m not sure, it might perhaps be a bit too casual.
Dresser: We could always go the traditional route and shave it all off….
Blofeld: (Quickly.) No, no, it’s fine, just leave it. Now, what do we have here…? I think I shall have this!
Dresser: Ah, the eyepatch. We call that the “Adolfo”. A bit dated, Herr Blofeld.
Blofeld: Well, this, then. (He holds up a fake scar with an eyehole in the middle.)
Dresser: Ah, the “Evil” scar. No, I don’t think you want that, sir.
Blofeld: And why not?
Dresser: It is known in the trade as the “Mike Myers Special”. Not something you want to be drawing attention to, if you see what I mean.
Blofeld: A lame hand? A hump? A beard?
Dresser: I think you look fine just as you are, Herr Blofeld. The Nehru suit and lack of socks definitely complement your style.
(There is a knock at the door, and a head appears round it.)
Head: He’s here now, Herr Blofeld.
Blofeld: Are you sure it’s him?
Head: He’s on the balcony. Gave his name as “Mickey Mouse”. Blue eyes, blond hair, about 5’6” – (There is the sound of a kick.)- Ow! I mean, about six foot tall.
Blofeld: Excellent. Let us go. Neal! Robert!
(His two bodyguards slot into place beside him and he heads for the door.)
Dresser: Oh, I almost forgot- Herr Blofeld!
Blofeld: (Turning, annoyed.) Yes, what is it?
(The dresser produces a small bottle and sprays it lightly on Blofeld.)
Dresser: Just arrived today! It’s called “Eau de Mal Homme.”
Blofeld: Where did we get it from?
Dresser: A present from Vlad in Moscow.
Blofeld: I must send him something in return. Oh well, time for the, shall I say, reunion?
1993. Eon HQ, in a tower on the Black Sea.
Cubby: Ah, Tim, come in, come in.
(Dalton sits down.)
Dalton: Nice to see you again, Cubby. And you, Michael.
MGW: Hi, Tim.
Cubby: Did you enjoy that “Rocketeer” movie?
Dalton: Yes, I enjoyed playing the villain.
Cubby: Now, we know you’ve come to the end of your contract but we have one more Bond film we’d be interested in seeing you do.
Dalton: It’s not the one with the robots, is it?
Cubby: No, no. We have a new script. You’d be going to Russia and Cuba.
Dalton: Hmm, tell me more.
MGW: Sean Bean will be the villain- he used to be Bond’s friend, 006.
Dalton: Well, that sounds good.
Cubby: We have a beautiful female villain called Xenia Onatopp.
Dalton: Onatopp?
Cubby: Onatopp. And a good female lead, too, called Izabella Scor...Scoroo…
MGW: Izabella Scorupco.
Cubby: Yeah, right, she’s a Russian called Natalie Smoov… Nata…
MGW: Natalya Simonova, Cubby.
Cubby: Yeah, right, but most of all we have a new M.
Dalton: A new M? That’s interesting. Charles Dance, maybe?
Cubby: No, no. We have... Judi Dench.
Dalton: (Impressed.) Judi Dench???
Cubby: That’s right.
Dalton: Dame Judi Dench????
MGW: Dame Judi Dench. She’s our new M.
Dalton: That’s very impressive.
Cubby: So, what do you say?
Dalton: I’ll need some time to think it over. Can I call you tomorrow?
Cubby: Yes, of course.
Dalton: (Getting up.) Well, then, I’ll phone you tomorrow.
(Dalton leaves.)
Cubby: Michael?
MGW: Yes, Cubby?
Cubby: Give Pierce Brosnan a call.
That time machine and the Eon bug are working well, Barbel 😂😂😂
😁😁😁
2006. Eon HQ, in a hydrofoil off Nassau.
BB: So, we’ve reached the second half of the script. Any ideas?
Wade: Well, Neal and I have been talking…
MGW: Sure, what have you got?
Purvis: Bond has been disturbed by memories- we’ve seen a childhood picture of him and Le Chiffre.
BB: And?
Wade: It turns out that Bond and Le Chiffre were brought up as brothers.
MGW: What?
Purvis: Le Chiffre is jealous of Bond for stealing his father’s affections- in fact, he calls him “cuckoo”.
BB: I’m calling you cuckoo.
Wade: No, listen, he says “We’re not so very different, you and I” drawing a parallel between the two of them.
MGW: I’m drawing a line under this right now. This sounds awfully like what happened in the Austin Powers movies.
Purvis: But-
BB: No, we’re not going there. We do the card game, Le Chiffre battering Bond’s balls, then spend the rest of the film with Bond and Vesper falling in love.
Wade: But-
MGW: We said NO, Robert. Now, let’s hear no more about it.
-----------------------------------------------------
2008. Eon HQ, in a rocket base in Brazil.
BB: So, we’ve reached the second half of the script. Any ideas?
Wade: Well, Neal and I have been talking…
MGW: Sure, what have you got?
Purvis: Bond has been disturbed by memories- we’ve seen a childhood picture of him and Dominic Greene.
BB: And?
Wade: It turns out that Bond and Greene were brought up as brothers.
MGW: What?
Purvis: Greene is jealous of Bond for stealing his father’s affections- in fact, he calls him “cuckoo”.
BB: I’m calling you cuckoo.
Wade: No, listen, he says “We’re not so very different, you and I” drawing a parallel between the two of them.
MGW: I’m drawing a line under this right now. This sounds awfully like what happened in the Austin Powers movies.
Purvis: But-
BB: No, we’re not going there. We do the exploding hotel, Greene being abandoned in the desert, Bond totally not getting off with Camille, then end with him and M.
Wade: But-
MGW: We said NO, Robert. Now, let’s hear no more about it.
----------------------------------------------------------
2012. Eon HQ, in a fishing boat off Jamaica.
BB: So, we’ve reached the second half of the script. Any ideas?
Wade: Well, Neal and I have been talking…
MGW: Sure, what have you got?
Purvis: Bond has been disturbed by memories- we’ve seen a childhood picture of him and Silva.
BB: And?
Wade: It turns out that Bond and Silva were brought up as brothers.
MGW: What?
Purvis: Silva is jealous of Bond for stealing his father’s affections- in fact, he calls him “cuckoo”.
BB: I’m calling you cuckoo.
Wade: No, listen, he says “We’re not so very different, you and I” drawing a parallel between the two of them.
MGW: I’m drawing a line under this right now. This sounds awfully like what happened in the Austin Powers movies.
Purvis: But-
BB: No, we’re not going there. We do the lonely house in Scotland, M getting killed, then back to London where Bond greets the new M.
Wade: But-
MGW: We said NO, Robert. Now, let’s hear no more about it.
-------------------------------------------------------------
2015. Eon HQ, in a London Underground station.
BB: So, we’ve reached the second half of the script. Any ideas?
Wade: Well, Neal and I have been talking…
MGW: Sure, what have you got?
Purvis: Bond has been disturbed by memories- we’ve seen a childhood picture of him and Blofeld.
BB: And?
Wade: It turns out that Bond and Blofeld were brought up as brothers.
MGW: What?
Purvis: Blofeld is jealous of Bond for stealing his father’s affections- in fact, he calls him “cuckoo”.
BB: I’m calling you cuckoo.
Wade: No, listen, he says “We’re not so very different, you and I” drawing a parallel between the two of them.
MGW: Haven’t you suggested this before?
Purvis/Wade: What? No! Not us! Etc
BB: Hmmm…
MGW: Let’s go for it!
BB: Yeah, nobody will be expecting this! They’ll all love it!
1983. The house of James Villiers. Villiers paces back and forward.
Mrs Villiers: Will you relax, James?
Villiers: I can’t relax!
Mrs Villiers: If they want you, they’ll call you.
Villiers: That’s just it. I know they start shooting “Octopussy” next week, and I haven’t heard anything!
Mrs Villiers: Did they say they would call?
Villiers: No, they didn’t, but I was good enough to step into the breach for “For Your Eyes Only” when Bernard Lee had died and I replaced him, playing Bill Tanner.
Mrs Villiers: Yes, I remember.
Villiers: So you’d think they would want me to continue. I mean, they’re known to do that sort of thing- Lois Maxwell, Desmond Llewelyn for instance.
Mrs Villiers: Yes, I know.
Villiers: So the next logical step is to make me M!
Mrs Villiers: Just sit down, I’ll make us a cup of tea.
Villiers: I can’t sit down!
Mrs Villiers: James, sit down!
(He reluctantly sits down, then leaps to his feet five seconds later.)
Villiers: They’ve got to phone! Time’s getting really short!
Mrs Villiers: Look, James-
(The telephone rings. They stare at each other, then Villiers grabs the phone.)
Villiers: Hello? Hello? Yes, it’s me. (He covers the mouthpiece and speaks to Mrs Villiers.) It’s my agent.
Mrs Villiers: (Relieved.) Oh, good.
Villiers: Yes, I’m listening… You have a copy of the cast list? And…. Robert Brown is playing M?
Mrs Villiers: Oh dear…
Villiers: So, who’s playing Tanner? …. Nobody??? Are you sure?…. Yes, all right. I’ll call you later. (Hangs up.)
Mrs Villiers: Oh James, that’s a shame.
Villiers: (Deep breaths.) All right, all right. Just because Tanner isn’t in this film doesn’t mean he won’t be back. And I know they’ll be wanting me then!
(With thanks to caractacus potts)
1987. The home of Lois Maxwell. The telephone rings.
Lois: Hello?
Cubby: Hi Lois, it’s Cubby.
Lois: Cubby, how nice to hear from you.
Cubby: Yeah, well…. Look, Lois, it’s been a long time since we started out.
Lois: Twenty-five years, Cubby.
Cubby: Time goes fast, doesn’t it?
Lois: Sometimes it only seems like yesterday, I was given the choice of playing Miss Moneypenny or Sylvia Trench.
Cubby: And you chose Moneypenny, of course.
Lois: Well, she gets to wear more clothes!
Cubby: Look, Lois, I have to tell you this. We’ve hired a new actor as James Bond.
Lois: Yes, Pierce Brosnan, I read all about it.
Cubby: No, that didn’t work out- he has to keep playing Remington Steele on television, you see.
Lois: Ah.
Cubby: We’ve went with Timothy Dalton- he’s been considered a few times before.
Lois: Oh yes, he’s good.
Cubby: Yes, but… he’s also about twenty years younger than Roger was, and … and…
Lois: I think I see where you’re going with this.
Cubby: (Deep breath.) Lois, we won’t be using you on the next film, “The Living Daylights”.
Lois: Well, it would look silly me making eyes at Timothy Dalton!
Cubby: I just thought I’d rather speak to you myself than let someone else do it.
Lois: I understand, and I appreciate that, Cubby, I really do.
Cubby: You take care of yourself now.
Lois: And you, Cubby. And you.
(They hang up. Lois looks around the walls of her room.)
(And cries a single tear.)
Oh the pathos.
In another universe Dalton took over for Connery in OHMSS and in all likelihood Ms. Maxwell was replaced in 1969.
Sounds good, Westward, looking forward to reading it.
I’m almost shedding a tear myself, Barbel 🥲
Nice try...although she could have returned in NSNA with Sean Connery. Hmmm. Now I've got a bloody idea. Dammit, Barbel.
A timeline near our own where a young Timothy Dalton replaced Sean Connery in ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE.
London, 1982
Lois Maxwell answers her phone to a familiar voice.
Lois: Hello?
Sean: Hello, Loish? It’s Sean. I have shomething very important to ashk you.
Lois: Hello, Sean. What can I do for you?
Sean: Loish, as you may know my “rival” Bond movie begins production next month. I want you there.
Lois: That’s very generous of you, Sean, but I don’t know….
Sean: Lishten, Cubby was a f*cking moron to let you go after I quit.
Lois: I understand his reasoning. Tim Dalton was a child back in ‘69. I would have looked like his mother next to him.
Sean: Nonshense. You’ve shtill got it and I shay you join me and we give the middle finger to Eon.
Lois: Coming in for a scene or two to rehash the old routine just won’t cut it, Sean. Also, my agent slipped me the sides for Moneypenny. She’s clueless. “Free radicals”!?! It’s embarrassing.
Sean: Loish, I’m doing mosht of the producer duties on the film. My writers are rewriting the shcript. Tell me what you want and I can make it happen.
Lois: Well…
1983. Elstree Studios.
Interior M’s Office:
Bond enters M’s office. He stops at the large desk. M’s chair is turned away from Bond.
Bond: 007 reporting as ordered, M.
M’s chair swivels around to reveal Moneypenny as the new M.
M: Sit down, James. We need to discuss the results of your field exercise.
Bond: Of coursh, Moneypenny. Shorry...M.
They give each other a knowing smile and return to business.
Lovely, Westward, that's the level we're after- there's just enough truth! Glad to have inspired you to write it.
now thats a well reasoned alternate history scenario!
Another road to go down- alternate history. We've touched on that once or twice before.
For caractacus potts and Westward_Drift.
1963. Eon HQ- still only an office, the many many millions have still to roll in. Harry Saltzman & Cubby Broccoli are in discussion- still friendly, in the main, their deeper quarrels have still to set in.
Harry: Well, I like it.
Cubby: It’s just not right, Harry, we have to change it.
Harry: I don’t see what’s wrong with it.
Cubby: Look, let’s just take a scene at random- here, Bond meets Kerim.
Kerim: Ah, greetings my friend.
Bond: ‘Allo me old china, ‘owzabout a bit of a chinwag, eh?
(Bond takes his glasses off and cleans them on his tie.)
Harry: So?
Cubby: You can’t see anything wrong with that?
Harry: Sounds good to me.
(Cubby sighs and presses a button on the intercom.)
Secretary: Yes, Mr Broccoli?
Cubby: Send in Mr Deighton, would you please?
Secretary: Of course, sir.
(The door opens, and Len Deighton enters.)
Deighton: Good morning, gentlemen.
Harry: Good morning, Len. Cubby here feels there may be one or two little drawbacks with the screenplay of “From Russia With Love” that you’ve been writing for us.
Deighton: Oh yes? And what might those be?
Cubby: Look, let’s just take another scene. (He flicks through the screenplay.) Here, Kerim takes Bond to the gypsy camp.
Kerim: Tonight, my friend, we are going to a gypsy camp.
Bond: Cor blimey, guv, gypsies? They goin’ to be trying to sell us somefin?
Kerim: These are very good friends of mine.
Bond: Well I ain’t so sure, I’ll be sittin’ on me wallet an’ keepin’ me hand over me watch, know what I mean?
Deighton: Yes, I was quite pleased with that part.
Cubby: Quite pleased? Have you read any of the James Bond books? Or seen our first movie? Do you know how James Bond talks, for God’s sake?
Harry: Hey, hold on a minute, Cubby.
Deighton: Well, I thought that-
Cubby: I don’t think that!!!
Harry: Listen, Cubby, I’ve got an idea. (Cubby’s eyes roll in sarcastic shock, but Harry misses it.) Why don’t Len and I go off together and work on one of his ideas, maybe that “Ipcress” story?
Deighton: Hmmm…. All right with me.
Cubby: And meanwhile?
Harry: Meanwhile, you give Richard Maibaum a call again and the two of you can work on “From Russia With Love”.
Cubby: Hmmm… All right, fair enough- but I claim John Barry!
Harry: Let’s toss a coin for it.
(While the coin is in the air…)
Cubby: Loser gets Monty Norman.
Harry: Argh!!!!
good What If!
takes me back to me days as a chimbleysweep
Oh no, it's not a "What If". Deighton really did work on the FRWL screenplay before Maibaum, with Harry Saltzman taking him to Istanbul early in the process.
Very funny, Barbel. Can't quite erase the Ipcress Foio I guess.
You're doing research? Glad my obsessive researching is having an effect. 😀
I did know that bit, just never saw any examples of his dialog.
apparently he's written an ebook on his involvement with the Bond films and his friendship with both Fleming and McClory, called James Bond: My Long and Eventful Search for His Father. anybody read this?
No, I haven't read that... yet. My attempt at dialogue was just me trying to copy your 'arry Palmer speak.
And Westward, research??? You think I needed to do research for that? Clearly I have some work to do on my public image.
I'm sorry. I neglected to consider your encyclopedic knowledge on all things Bond. I will now retreat to the "safety" of Elizabethan theater.
the best was when I asked about one of the nonspeaking female extras in Moonraker, an actress I finally realised was in two different scenes, and within seconds @Barbel was telling us all about the various titled aristocrat chicks Drax hangs out with and assuring us they all went up in the space shuttles, he knew all the actresses names and included a screencap of exactly which one was Lois Maxwell's daughter. within seconds and completely encyclopedic!
Thanks, @caractacus potts , but these days I feel like Homer Simpson-
Better late than never....
2022. Eon HQ, inside a tomb in Matera.
BB: I think it’s time we came to a conclusion on this, Michael.
MGW: Already?
BB: “No Time To Die” has mostly finished its run in the cinemas, and we’re over the first burst of home video sales.
MGW: Yeah, you’re right. We should make an announcement before too long.
BB: So, we’re looking for a man who’s tall and handsome…
MGW: Someone who can make a wisecrack yet remain in character…
BB: Someone who looks good in a tuxedo…
MGW: And someone who can convincingly throw a punch.
BB: Then there’s really only one choice-
MGW/BB: Will Smith!
I think the most imaginative bit in the above conversation is the fact that they’re actually talking about the next movie 😂
Ah, if only that were true. 😥
1973. Pinewood Studios, set of “Live And Let Die”.
Guy Hamilton: So, Yaphet and Roger, I need a bunch of shots of the two of you fighting in the water.
Roger Moore: Of course, Guy.
Yaphet Kotto: No problem.
Guy: We’ve already got the fight on land and the two of you falling into the water. I’ll be intercutting that with some shots of sharks once you’re in the water, just to add the necessary element of danger.
Roger: But of course.
Yaphet: As long as there’s no real sharks in the water with us!
Guy: Relax, they’ll be filmed separately then we’ll cut the film together.
Roger: Glad to hear that!
Guy: Just remember, during the underwater fight, Roger you have to slip the shark pellet into Yaphet’s mouth so that he blows up.
Roger: All right.
Guy: Okay boys, bring in the inflatable Dr Kananga.
(The stagehands manoeuvre the balloon version of Kananga into position.)
Yaphet: Oh, wait just one minute here.
Guy: A problem, Yaphet?
Yaphet: You’re damn right there’s a problem. That… thing! … is supposed to be me????
Guy: Yes, that’s right.
Yaphet: That looks nothing like me!
Guy: Yes, but you see-
Yaphet: No way am I agreeing to that!
Guy: Yaphet, if you’d just-
Yaphet: I know Roger’s gotta win the fight, he’s James Bond after all, but can’t he just make it out of the pool and watch me being eaten by the sharks?
Guy: Yes, but-
Yaphet: That’s close enough to what happens in the book, after all!
Guy: Yaphet, please-
Yaphet: This is ridiculous! It makes a mockery of the ending!
Guy: Do you know how much we spent on this inflatable model of you? It’s going in.
Yaphet: But Guy-
Guy: No buts- it stays!