@caractacus potts You're right, of course, but I needed an ending! And if I could have worked in the lamb story I would have, too, but it felt contrived.
1954. The house of Roald Dahl. Ian Fleming pushes back from the dining table.
Fleming: That was a delicious meal, Patricia.
Patricia Dahl: Why, thank you, Ian. Anne, let's you and me go chat and leave these two to their gossip.
Anne Fleming: (Laughing.) Oh, certainly.
(The ladies retire. Fleming lights a Morland Special, his seventieth of the day, and gratefully draws the smoke deep into his lungs.)
Dahl: A drink, Ian?
Fleming: But of course. Three measures of-
Dahl: Yes, yes, Ian. I think I know your recipe by now. Anyway, (He begins to pour and mix drinks.) how is the writing coming along?
Fleming: I’ve just finished the second one now.
Dahl: And what’s it called?
Fleming: “Live And Let Die”.
Dahl: We used to say “live and let live”, but it’s an ever-changing world in which we’re living. (He hands Fleming his drink.)
Fleming: Thank you. And what are you writing just now?
Dahl: Nothing- I’m a bit stuck for an idea, I’m afraid.
Fleming: What? That’s not like you.
Dahl: Just one of those things, I’m afraid.
Fleming: Surely you can think of something to write a short story about.
Dahl: No, I told you, I’m stuck.
Fleming: Would you like some help? With an idea, I mean?
Dahl: Certainly!
Fleming: Well, that was lamb we had for dinner tonight, wasn’t it?
Dahl: Yes, it was.
Fleming: Why don’t you have someone murder their husband with a frozen leg of mutton which she then serves to the detectives who come to investigate the murder?
Dahl: What? That’s crazy!
Fleming: No, not at all. The police won’t be able to find the weapon, you see.
Dahl: …..no weapon…. Ian, that’s brilliant!
Fleming: Thank you.
Dahl: Maybe I can help you with an idea or two someday?
By Roald Dahl, based (uncredited) on an idea by Ian Fleming. Good thing Kevin McClory wasn't there as well.
It's been filmed for TV a few times, once as part of "Alfred Hitchcock Presents" (so another tantalising glimpse of what Hitch and Fleming could have come up with together).
“Joe Dante, and later Peter Jackson, were initially offered the opportunity to direct the film [The World Is Not Enough].. Barbara Broccoli enjoyed Jackson's Heavenly Creatures, and a screening of The Frightenerswas arranged for her. She disliked the latter film, however, and showed no further interest in Jackson. Jackson, a lifelong Bond fan, remarked that as Eon tended to go for less famous directors, he would likely not get another chance to direct a Bond film after The Lord of the Rings.“
But just supposing…
1999. Eon HQ. In a caviar factory on the Black Sea.
BB: Peter, we’ve been having a look through your revisions of the script.
Jackson: Oh yes? Fran and I have been working hard on that.
MGW: Yes… there’s one or two things we’d like to talk about.
Jackson: Such as?
BB: Well, let’s start with the big climax of the movie. Now, the Empire State Building we can get. It’s just a question of knowing the right people.
MGW: But having Bond fight a giant ape all the way to the top of it, that’s where we have a problem.
Jackson: I like that part! It dwarves anything you’ve had so far!
BB: Ah, yes, now that you’ve brought that up- we aren’t happy about the dwarves.
Jackson: What, all of them?
MGW: Yes, all twelve of them. They have to go, Peter.
Jackson: (Grumpily and unhappily, though not sleepily, dopily, sneezily or bashfully.) Oh well, if you say so.
BB: Now, the casting: you want Sean Bean as Renard, I see.
Jackson: What’s the problem? Everybody loves Sean Bean, especially when he dies in his movies.
MGW: Yes, but we just had him two films ago and he died in that.
BB: Twice.
Jackson: Oh, all right.
MGW: And you can’t have Ian McKellen.
Jackson: What do you mean? He’s perfect for the part!
BB: Yes, he is, but we already have an M and I think we’ll just be sticking with her for as long as possible.
Jackson: I see. Is that all, then?
MGW: No, not quite.
BB: Peter, you have to understand that Pierce Brosnan has a contract with us.
MGW: We can’t just replace him at this short notice.
Jackson: But I’ve already made promises!
BB: Then you’ll have to break them. No way is Elijah Wood playing 007 in this film.
1985. The mansion of Elton John. Elton, dressed in ostrich feathers, sits at his diamond-encrusted piano running through a few chords. He hears the sound of feet walking along the corridor.
Voice: Hey, Elton!
(Elton quickly whips a hat upon his head then sees it is his long time friend and lyricist, Bernie Taupin.)
Elton: Oh, hi Bernie. (Takes hat off again.)
Bernie: Elton, I’ve been hearing about the new James Bond film.
Elton: Oh? What’s it called?
Bernie: “A View To A Kill”.
Elton: Ah. Roger Moore again?
Bernie: Yeah, him again. Anyway, I’ve been told about the plot. It seems the villain will be trying to bring Halley’s Comet down to Earth.
Elton: What?
Bernie: He’s going to bring it down into Silicon Valley. Next year is when it approaches close to Earth, you see.
Elton: Why would he want to do that?
Bernie: So his own investments increase in size, hugely- it’s a bit like Goldfinger wanting to make all the gold in Fort Knox unusable so his own stocks of gold increase in value.
Elton: Ah, okay. So what does that have to do with us?
Bernie: I think we should aim for getting the title song. You’ve been trying to do more movie work.
Elton: “A View To A Kill”? Lousy title.
Bernie: But we don’t have to use it- the last film “Octopussy” had a song called “All Time High”, and remember “Nobody Does It Better” from “The Spy Who Loved Me”?
Elton: All right, what do you have in mind?
Bernie: Well, Halley’s Comet doesn’t lend itself to a song so I thought we could be a bit more poetic and write something called “Shoot Down The Moon”.
I'm interested in those Boothroyd posts above... When I recently saw FRWL I imagined that its original audience might at first have assumed that the "Equipment Officer" (Llewelyn) was a different character to the "Armourer", Major Boothroyd, seen in DN (Peter Burton). But FRWL's end titles credit Llewelyn as Boothroyd, so the assumption, from that point, is that it was the same chap after all... The rest is history...
The dining room at Fawlty Q Branch.
Colthorpe: I'll try the pate and the lamb casserole...
Major: Don't touch that! That's my lunch!
R (sarcastically) Thank you SO much! I hope you all enjoy your meals!
Major: I want that ready for Ahmed's tea party!
R (forcing a grin): Whatever you say, Major!
Colthorpe: The wine is corked!
R (Still sarcastically): Oh, I DO apologise! I'll take the bottle away for you... THERE, all gone! (Muttering aside) I wish I could make YOU vanish!
(Explosion. The dining room is in smoking ruins. Enter Cigar Girl through blasted wall.)
Cigar Girl: Que?
R (to Colthorpe, who is grimacing as he dusts down his lapels): SO sorry! She's from Bilbao!
Connie: Not to worry...I'll get on to that nice Mr O'Reilly... (Picks up phone) Hello... Mr O'Reilly... It's Connie Moneypenny here, O. H. M. Fawlty Service... I'd like to interest you in a demolition deal that involves...
Olivia Mansfield: Baaasill...!!!
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
re this idea that Peter Jackson could have directed The World is Not Enough... some folks already complain that film is slow and overemotional, with a female character who adds nothing to the plot and is not persuasive in her role... these are all issues I had with his later Hobbit films, all that gratuitous slo-mo and Sam and Frodo staring into each others eyes. And of course he would have stretched the slight story into a ten hour trilogy. Everything folks dont like about this BondFilm would have been moreso!
On the other hand some folks would have appreciated the battle scene with a cast of thousands that would take up 3/4 of the running time without adding to the plot.
I think Elton did a good job there, too. The rising drama in that song is quite Bondian. Overall, though, it might have sat better with the more recent films of 'later Craig' than with mid-80s Moore - whose swan song as Bond was super-charged by New Romantic boy-band Barry fans!
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
I think it's a beautiful song, and that both Elton and Bernie deserve praise. Elton only sang it live for one tour, unfortunately. To me it was the best song on the accompanying album.
I learned it on piano at the time, though I've forgotten how to play it now.
1999. Pinewood Studios, screening room. Peter Jackson has just finished proudly displaying his cut of “The World is Not Enough” to Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson.
Jackson: Well, there it is! What do you think?
MGW: (Coming out of a daze.) Well… it’s a little long, isn’t it?
Jackson: Long? It’s only three hours.
BB: I’m not sure we’re ready for a three hour long James Bond film… yet.
MGW: Maybe in another twenty years we might do that.
BB: And you’ve not covered most of the plot.
Jackson: What? You told me to have lots of action and I’ve done that.
MGW: But not a boat chase covering three quarters of the running time without adding anything to the plot.
Jackson: And you told me to have a beautiful lady who turns out to be a villain.
BB: Yes, but we didn’t mean the Cigar Girl.
MGW: We meant Elektra King, and you haven’t got her.
Jackson: Not yet, she’ll appear in part two.
BB/MGW: (Aghast.) Part two???
Jackson: Yes, this finishes with Bond sliding down the Millenium Dome. Part two will start at the funeral of her father.
BB: And that’ll be three hours long, too?
Jackson: Oh yes, of course.
MGW: Look, Peter, everything that you’ve shot here was meant for the pre-titles sequence.
Jackson: You told me I could make it the longest PTS you’ve had to date.
BB: Yes, but not three hours long!
MGW: And another thing- why are Gandalf, Frodo, Legolas and company all standing on a bridge watching the boat chase?
Jackson: Er… they got a bit lost on their way to the Mountains of Moria.
BB: That would certainly be an unexpected journey.
Jackson: Hey, I like that! (Pulls out notebook and writes.) An… unexpected… journey. Thanks!
MGW: (Firmly.) No, this won’t do at all. Peter, go back to the editing suite and cut this down severely.
Jackson: Cut it down? To how much?
BB: Maybe fifteen minutes tops.
Jackson: (Horrified.) Fifteen minutes???
MGW: Fifteen. And you’ll have to lose Cate Blanchett reading the prologue.
2000. Pinewood Studios, screening room. Peter Jackson has just finished proudly displaying his cut of “The World is Not Enough- Part Two” to Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson.
Jackson: Well, there it is! What do you think?
BB: So… you’ve started with the funeral of Elektra’s father, and ended with the scene where she and Bond go skiing and are attacked.
Jackson: Yes, that’s right.
MGW: And you’ve still managed to make that three hours long.
Jackson: Well, there were some deleted scenes, I could always add them back in and-
BB: (In terror.) NO! … er, I mean, no thanks Peter, that won’t be necessary. Also, there’s still no sign of Renard.
Jackson: Of course not, he’ll be appearing in part three.
BB/MGW: Part three?????
Jackson: Well, there was only so much I could fit in.
MGW: Only so much? You had three hours!
Jackson: Yes, and I’ve still to fit in my cameo.
MGW: Your cameo?
Jackson: I always do a cameo in my films.
MGW: Your films? I’ve been doing cameos in James Bond films since you were in nappies!
BB: Calm down, calm down. Let’s change the subject. Peter, I see you’ve killed off Judi Dench.
Jackson: Naturally, I had to find a way to bring in Ian McKellen as M.
MGW: Then just change that right back- Barbara and I will decide when it’s time to kill off Judi Dench.
2001. Pinewood Studios, screening room. Peter Jackson has just finished showing “The World Is Not Enough- Part Three” to Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson.
Jackson: So, there you go.
MGW: Another three hour film, Peter?
Jackson: Oh, yes, of course.
BB: (Sighing.) There’s a couple of things we’d like to talk about, though.
Jackson: Oh?
MGW: Yes indeed. We’re not sure about this whole invisibility thing.
Jackson: Really?
BB: Yes- Bond finding this ring which he can use to make himself invisible. We think that might be going a bit far.
Jackson: What would you prefer, an invisible car?
MGW: Oh no, that would be terrible.
BB: Yes, you won’t catch us putting James Bond in an invisible car. Anyway, we don’t like this ring- that’s got to go.
Jackson: But-
MGW: No, Peter, re-edit it and take out the ring.
Jackson: (Grumbling.) All right, if you say so.
BB: And while you’re at it, cut out all the Beatles music.
Jackson: I’ll get back to you on that.
MGW: All of it- every little thing.
Jackson: I will.
BB: Which brings us to the ending….
Jackson: The endings, yes.
MGW: No, Peter, the ending. Only one of them.
Jackson: One????
BB: One ending we want, and one ending is what we will get.
Jackson: I could cut them down, maybe do three or four?
MGW: One. You could save a good twenty minutes or so just there.
Jackson: But-
BB: One ending has been good enough for all the James Bond films before, and one ending is what this one will have.
Jackson: If you say so.
MGW: And no, you can’t have Christopher Lee.
Jackson: What! Everybody loves Christopher Lee!
BB: True, but we’ve had him before, in a very prominent role.
Jackson: You used Joe Don Baker in three different films!
MGW: True, but no-one’s gonna expect him to pull out a golden gun and start shooting.
1988. Eon HQ, in a French chateau. Roger Moore sits with Cubby Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson.
Cubby: Well, we’ve now had the box-office results in from “The Living Daylights” and I must say everyone is very pleased. Well done again, Roger.
Roger: Thank you, Cubby, it was a very enjoyable film to make. I hope that your next one is just as successful and I’d like to thank you for-
Cubby: Hey slow down there, Roger, slow down. We’re planning our next one and would like to ask you back again.
Roger: Oh no, really, I think I’ve definitely done my last Bond movie. I’m getting a bit too-
MGW: Nonsense Roger, you look fine. Didn’t John Glen say you had another four Bond movies in you and you’ve only done one since then?
Roger: He was being very kind, but still-
Cubby: Look Roger, I think this one will be very good for you. For one thing, the plot centres around Felix Leiter and we’d like to bring David Hedison back so the two of you will be together again like in “Live And Let Die”.
Roger: David! It’s always a pleasure working with David.
MGW: Yes, he’ll be playing Felix who’s your oldest friend.
Roger: And there you’ve hit the nail on the head, Michael- “oldest”. He’s the same age I am.
Cubby: And he looks fine, too.
Roger: We had to use a whole team of stuntmen to cover for me on the last film.
MGW: And we’ll use them again, and more.
Roger: I don’t know….
Cubby: Look Roger, let me put it this way.
(He pulls out his chequebook and writes a cheque out. Slowly.)
Cubby: Any thoughts?
(Roger studies the cheque. Slowly.)
Roger: Lots of stuntmen?
MGW: Yes, Roger.
Roger: No silly costumes, like a clown in “Octopussy”?
MGW: No, Roger.
Roger: No leading ladies young enough to be my granddaughter?
Cubby: No, Roger.
Roger: Hang on- no leading ladies young enough to be my daughter, either?
Cubby: Ah… maybe.
Roger: Well…. All right, I’m in.
1989. Royal Premiere of “Licence To Kill”, starring Roger Moore as James Bond.
Cubby: ….and of course you know our James Bond, Roger Moore.
The Queen: Of course. Good evening, Mr Moore.
Roger: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Queen: I’m delighted to see you again.
Roger: Always a pleasure, ma’am.
The Duke: You’ve been doing these films for a long time, eh, Moore?
Roger: That’s true, Your Highness.
The Duke: Pushing 30 years now, what?
The Queen: Philip!
Roger: No sir, it was Sean Connery at first. I’ve only been Bond for about 17 years.
The Duke: Hmph, seems longer than that.
Roger: You're perhaps thinking of "The Saint", sir. I was The Saint back in the 1960s.
The Duke: Hmmm, remind me...?
Roger: I drove a beautiful white Volvo.
The Duke: I thought you were driving an Aston Martin.
Roger: No sir, that was in "The Persuaders!"
The Duke: Ah yes, the one with the ejector seat.
Cubby: (Quickly.) Next, can I introduce you to....
James Bond’s flat. He sits reading his signed copy of “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” when there is a knock on the door. Bond answers, after going through the usual security measures.
Delivery Man: Mr Bond James Bond?
Bond: That’s right.
Delivery Man: No. 007 Fleming Avenue, Chelsea?
Bond: Yes.
Delivery Man: Got any ID?
Bond: Will this do?
(The delivery man finds the business end of a Walther PPK one inch away from the bridge of his nose.)
Delivery Man: All right, all right, keep your hair on. Here, this is for you.
(He hands over a parcel and makes for the exit, fast.)
Bond: A parcel? I wasn’t expecting any parcel….
(He examines the top of the parcel and sees that the sender is...)
Gebruder Gumbold
Advokaten
Bond: Gumbold...? Gebruder Gumbold...? (His eyes open wide.) Blofeld's lawyers!
(He instantly dives behind the nearest chair and listens for a ticking noise from the parcel. Nothing happens. Carefully, he reaches behind him for a golf club then gently pokes at the parcel. There is a scratching noise from inside.)
Bond: What the hell...?
(Slowly he comes to his feet and approaches the parcel. He now notices that there are a series of small holes punched in it.)
Bond: Almost like... air holes?
Box: Meow!
Bond: Oh no, he hasn't...
Box: Meow!
Bond: He couldn't have...
Box: Meow! Meow!
(Bond opens the box lid. A beautiful white cat instantly jumps out and begins to rub against his leg, purring.)
Bond: This I was not expecting.
(At the bottom of the box he sees a letter, which he begins to read.)
Honoured Sir
We represent the estate of the late Ernst Stavro Blofeld, also known as Number One, also known as Franz Oberhauser, also known as Monsieur le Comte Balthazar de Bleuville, also known as Monsieur le Comte Balthazar de Bleuchamp, etc etc. In his last will he specifically requested that we send the accompanying feline to you, knowing your deep love for such things. We trust that you will treat it well.
We remain
Gebruder Gumbold-Moosbrugger
Advokaten
16 bis
Bahnhofstrasse
Zurich
(Bond looks aghast at the letter, then to the cat which is happily making a place to fall asleep on his favourite chair. He reaches for his phone, and dials.)
Voice: Hello?
Bond: Q, is that you?
Q: Of course it is, 007, what do you want?
Bond: I’d like, er, to come round and see you tonight.
Q: Tonight? Well, I suppose that would be all right. What do you want?
Bond: Let’s just say I have a surprise for you. And, er, I won’t be coming alone….
2031. A beach in the Bahamas. Daniel Craig strolls along, enjoying the sunshine and happily beachcombing. A figure appears in the distance and gradually draws closer before waving a friendly hand.
Figure: Hello, Daniel.
Craig: Danny? Danny Boyle?
Boyle: Aye, it’s me.
Craig: Well, hello again!
(They shake hands warmly.)
Craig: I haven’t seen you since… well, since…
Boyle: Since the time I walked off “No Time To Die”? Though of course it wasn’t called that then.
Craig: That’s right. How have you been?
Boyle: Oh, I’ve been keeping busy. Listen, a friend of mine put John Hodge and me in touch with a lawyer who used to work for a man called Kevin McClory- you’ll have heard of him, of course?
Craig: Of course. Before my time with Bond. He’s dead now, isn’t he?
Boyle: Oh yes, years ago. Well, anyway, this lawyer reckons that since John and I put some ideas into the Bond project that eventually became “No Time To Die” then we have a very good case for owning some of the rights, to whit we have the rights to make a James Bond film ourselves.
Craig: I don’t think Eon would be very happy about that.
Boyle: As long as we stay within certain limits it would be okay.
Craig: You wouldn’t be able to use the Bond Theme and gunbarrel.
Boyle: That’s okay, we’ll just start with a lot of “007” symbols. And for the music, we’ll hire a respected Oscar-winning composer and tell him to write a really cheesy, terrible score.
Craig: This is starting to sound very familiar….
Boyle: Well, I was thinking that if we got you onboard to play James Bond then our position would be a lot stronger.
Craig: Me?
Boyle: Aye, you.
Craig: But Danny, I’ve over 60 now.
Boyle: Not a problem- you look fine and we can get stuntmen for the hard bits.
Craig: I’m not sure….
Boyle: And we’ll attempt to bring it out at the same time as Eon’s latest Bond film.
Craig: Like I said, this is sounding very familiar.
Boyle: So, what do you say, Daniel?
Craig: I’m in as long as I can pick the title.
Boyle: What do you have in mind?
Craig: “Never Say I’d Rather Slash My Wrists Again”.
1971. Las Vegas, a police station. An elderly couple sit in the witness room.
Wife: I told you we should just have kept going.
Husband: No, coming here and reporting it was the right thing to do.
Wife: But we’ve been here for hours now and-
(The door opens and Felix Leiter enters, Agent Hamilton close behind him.)
Felix: Hello, there, I’m Agent Leiter and this is Agent Hamilton.
Wife: (Rolling her eyes.) Wonderful, now we’ve got the FBI in on this.
(Felix gives a polite chuckle.)
Felix: No, ma’am, we’re not from the FBI. Now, could you just tell us please in your own words what happened.
Husband: We’ve already told the police!
Felix: I know, sir, but just one more time for me, please, and Agent Hamilton will take it all down.
(Hamilton produces a pad, pen and tape recorder.)
Husband: But-
Wife: (Sighs.) Just do it, Jonathan.
Husband: All right. We had left Las Vegas and were on our way home. The first thing that we saw was a red and black car, heading our way real fast. Real fast.
Felix: Did you get the make?
Husband: No, it was moving too fast. Anyway, we carried on a couple of miles and it was there that we saw it.
Felix: Saw what?
Wife: The alien! We saw an alien!
(Hamilton sniggers, and Felix shoots him a look.)
Husband: Quiet, Martha, I’m handling this. Yes, we saw an alien.
Felix: And what did it look like, sir?
Husband: Well, it was real tall, maybe ten feet, and it had one eye on top of its head.
Wife: And claws.
Husband: Yeah, it had claws, like a crab.
Felix: Could you draw it for me, please?
(He hands over pen and paper. The wife begins to draw.)
Felix: Was it walking towards you?
Husband: No, that’s the funny thing. It wasn’t walking- it was on wheels.
(Hamilton makes a choking sound. Felix kicks him under the table.)
Felix: Wheels, you say?
Husband: Yes, and there was another wheel bouncing along behind it, just next to the men.
Felix: Men? What men?
Husband: A bunch of men in green uniforms, light green uniforms.
Felix: They were running away from it?
Husband: No, that’s another strange thing. They weren’t running away from it, they were chasing after it as if they were trying to catch it.
Wife: Well, here’s the best drawing I could do.
(She hands a drawing to Felix.)
Husband: Yes, that’s it. That’s it exactly.
Felix: So what did you do then?
Wife: We turned the car around and headed back to Vegas as fast as we could!
Husband: Then we came to the nearest police station and told them what we saw.
(Felix studies the drawing.)
Felix: Well, I’d like to thank you both for reporting this.
Wife: Do you know what it is?
Felix: No, ma’am, but I gotta strong feeling I know who’s involved and I’ll be having a talk with him very soon.
Husband: So we can go now?
Felix: Yes, sir and ma’am, you can go and thank you very much. Enjoy your journey back to Smalltown.
Wife: Smallville.
Felix: Yes, of course.
(The couple head for the door.)
Husband: Do you want to spend another night here in Vegas?
Wife: Lord, no, let’s just get back home- we've never seen an alien there.
2012. Miss Moneypenny’s apartment. She is happily listening to the soothing voice of Barry Manilow as she dusts and tidies up when there is a knock on the door. She answers it to reveal her sister, Jane.
Jane: Eve, darling!
Eve: Jane!
(They embrace and kiss. Jane comes in and looks around.)
Jane: How different your place looks!
Eve: Yes, I told you I was having it redecorated.
Jane: Here, I got you a little something.
(She hands over a small parcel.)
Eve: (Opening parcel.) Oh, you shouldn’t have…. Perfume! It’s Calypso!
Jane: Yes, I know that’s your favourite.
Eve: Thank you, Jane. Would you like a drink?
Jane: Yes, please. Oh, I see you’ve got a home bar now.
Eve: It was part of the redecoration.
Jane: Let me see…. Vodka, Gordon’s gin, Kina Lillet…. I might have known.
Eve: Whatever do you mean?
Jane: And a shaker, some ice, lemon… you’ve got all the right ingredients, haven’t you?
Eve: (Totally innocently.) Ingredients for what?
Jane: You know exactly what. (Sighs.) You still haven’t given up hope, have you?
Eve: Hope?
Jane: You’re wanting to bring him back here. Give him some angel cake, mix him a drink, listen to some Barry Manilow, and then….
Eve: (Seeing there’s no point pretending.) Yes, I suppose you’re right. You’re still my guardian angel.
Jane: You’ve been wanting him for how long now? About-
Eve: (Quickly.) Yes, it’s been a long time.
Jane: Don’t you think it’s time to move on?
Eve: Move on? Maybe just a little longer….
Jane: No, now! He’s had his chance, many chances. No final fling. It’s time for you to find someone else to pin your hopes on.
Eve: Well, there’s the new head of Q Branch, he’s rather dishy.
Jane: I think you’re barking up the wrong tree there, Eve.
Eve: I suppose you’re right. But….
Jane: But what?
Eve: I have to go see him tomorrow.
Jane: Where?
Eve: You know I can’t tell you that.
Jane: Still Her Majesty’s secret servant.
Eve: Anyway, I do have to see him. Let’s see if anything crops up there…..
Moneypenny: James, where on earth have you been? I've been searching London for you.
Bond: I was at the casino winning lots of money. After that I was playing golf with a gorgeous brunette in a shirt.
MP: Is that all?
Bond: No wait, I think she was wearing shoes too.
MP: As one should when one plays golf. So what pick up lines did you use this time?
Bond: Oh not many, just three words really; “Bond, (subtle music plays in the background) James Bond”.
MP: (sarcastically) Oh that’ll catch on and what’s so special about them anyway?
Bond: I think it was more to do with the way I said it. I don’t think anybody does it better.
MP: Don’t you mean “Nobody does it better”?
Bond: Ah yes, that’s the one. Anyway, when I got your message I left immediately.
MP: (looking a little suspicious) Immediately?
Bond: Almost immediately.
MP: Oh. In you go.
Bond: Good evening Sir.
M: It happens to be 3.00am. When do you sleep 007?
Bond: I could ask you the same thing.
M: Sit down. Jamaica went off the air tonight, in the middle of the opening procedure. We've checked and... Strangways has disappeared. So has his secretary. A new girl. We'd only just sent her out.
Bond: Was Strangways on something… special?
M: He was checking an enquiry from the Americans. The American CIA sent a man down to work with Strangways. A fellow called Leiter. Do you know him?
Bond: I’ve heard of him. Never met him. Has he found out anything important?
M: Better ask "him". You're booked on the 7 o'clock plane to Kingston.
(Armourer enters the room)
M: (to Bond) Take off your jacket.
Bond: You don’t say that as if you mean it.
M: This damn Beretta again. I've told you about this before. (to Armourer) You tell him - for the last time.
Armourer: The Beretta, has about as much stopping power as an Evertonian goalkeeper. However, it’s nice and light - in a lady's handbag.
Bond: How do you know that?
Armourer: Know what?
Bond: That it’s nice and light in a lady’s handbag.
Armourer: Well, when I was going through my ‘J Edgar Hoover’ phase I needed something to match one of my dresses and so…
M: (getting agitated) Armourer, get on with the briefing.
Armourer: Yes Sir, sorry Sir. Walther PPK. 7.65mm with a delivery like a brick through a plate-glass window. Takes a Brausch silencer, with little reduction in muzzle velocity.
M: The American CIA swear by them.
Bond: As opposed to the French CIA? The Russian CIA?
Bond: (attempting to sing) Underneath the mango tree My honey and me...
Ryder: Stop right there.
Bond: It's all right. I'm not supposed to be here, either.
Ryder: No, I mean cut out that infernal racket. You ruined a perfectly good song. Egads man - you sound worse than Gymkata. Next thing you’ll be singing the same song holding a cup above your Granddaughters head cackling away.
Bond: You know, that’s not a bad idea.
Ryder: What are "you" doing here? Looking for shells?
Bond: No. I'm just perv ...er, umm, I ...I mean I’m just looking. I promise I won't steal your shells.
Ryder: I promise you you won't, either.
Bond: Are they valuable?
Ryder: This one is worth $50 in Miami. 50! I sell them down by the sea.
Bond: You shell your shea-shells by the sheashore?
Ryder: WTF did you jusht shay? Now you've got me doing it.
Bond: Anyway, I can assure you, my intentions are strictly honorable.
Ryder: (a likely story).
Bond: What's your name?
Ryder. Ryder.
Bond: Ryder what?
Ryder: Sometimes a horse, occasionally a bike.
Bond: I like an early morning ride.
Ryder: I’ll bet you do. What's your name?
Bond: Bond, (subtle music starts playing) James Bond.
A frantic Cayman Islander man starts running towards them. Honey pulls out a large knife ready to defend herself
Bond: It’s alright, that’s Quarrel - he’s with me.
Quarrel: Cap'n, beggin' yo pardon, but kin yo tell me what yo have in mind for we? I'se bin puzzlin' an' Ah caint seem to figger hout yo game.
Ryder: Your accent Quarrel? Manchester?
Quarrel: Close, Liverpool.
Ryder: Liverpool?
Bond: Yes, it’s a town in the North West of England. It’s where the Beatles come from.
Ryder: No they don't. Beetles are insects that form the order Coleoptera, in the superorder. Endopterygota. The Coleoptera, with about 400,000 described species, are found all over the world.
Bond: You’re cleverer than you look.
Ryder: I know. I’ve done three weeks training.
Bond: I was actually referring to a pop band called the Beatles who have just started out. I don’t think they’ll be very popular though. Probably best listened to with a pair of earmuffs.
Ryder: So why buy the record in the first place?
Bond: Well - we better take some cover. (to Quarrel) Fetch my shoes.
Quarrel: (First the girl, and the camera, now his flamin’ shoes). Listen Honky - you go and fetch your own god-damned shoes. And you ever speak to me like that ever again, I’ll kick your scrawny little white arse all the way back to Kingston.
Bond: Yes Quarrel, sorry Quarrel.
Quarrel and Honey Ryder run away to hide. Bond follows with his tail between his legs - and his shoes.
"Everyone knows rock n' roll attained perfection in 1974; It's a scientific fact". - Homer J Simpson
Lovely stuff, Mr Snow, and I like the attention to detail. You know, it wouldn't take much effort to extend that into covering the whole movie- or most of it anyway. I'd love to read your take on meeting Dr No, for example.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,757Chief of Staff
Comments
@caractacus potts You're right, of course, but I needed an ending! And if I could have worked in the lamb story I would have, too, but it felt contrived.
The lamb story:
1954. The house of Roald Dahl. Ian Fleming pushes back from the dining table.
Fleming: That was a delicious meal, Patricia.
Patricia Dahl: Why, thank you, Ian. Anne, let's you and me go chat and leave these two to their gossip.
Anne Fleming: (Laughing.) Oh, certainly.
(The ladies retire. Fleming lights a Morland Special, his seventieth of the day, and gratefully draws the smoke deep into his lungs.)
Dahl: A drink, Ian?
Fleming: But of course. Three measures of-
Dahl: Yes, yes, Ian. I think I know your recipe by now. Anyway, (He begins to pour and mix drinks.) how is the writing coming along?
Fleming: I’ve just finished the second one now.
Dahl: And what’s it called?
Fleming: “Live And Let Die”.
Dahl: We used to say “live and let live”, but it’s an ever-changing world in which we’re living. (He hands Fleming his drink.)
Fleming: Thank you. And what are you writing just now?
Dahl: Nothing- I’m a bit stuck for an idea, I’m afraid.
Fleming: What? That’s not like you.
Dahl: Just one of those things, I’m afraid.
Fleming: Surely you can think of something to write a short story about.
Dahl: No, I told you, I’m stuck.
Fleming: Would you like some help? With an idea, I mean?
Dahl: Certainly!
Fleming: Well, that was lamb we had for dinner tonight, wasn’t it?
Dahl: Yes, it was.
Fleming: Why don’t you have someone murder their husband with a frozen leg of mutton which she then serves to the detectives who come to investigate the murder?
Dahl: What? That’s crazy!
Fleming: No, not at all. The police won’t be able to find the weapon, you see.
Dahl: …..no weapon…. Ian, that’s brilliant!
Fleming: Thank you.
Dahl: Maybe I can help you with an idea or two someday?
Fleming: Yes, that would be wonderful.
And here it is: Lamb to the Slaughter--Roald Dahl (1916-1990) (classicshorts.com)
By Roald Dahl, based (uncredited) on an idea by Ian Fleming. Good thing Kevin McClory wasn't there as well.
It's been filmed for TV a few times, once as part of "Alfred Hitchcock Presents" (so another tantalising glimpse of what Hitch and Fleming could have come up with together).
From Wikipedia-
“Joe Dante, and later Peter Jackson, were initially offered the opportunity to direct the film [The World Is Not Enough].. Barbara Broccoli enjoyed Jackson's Heavenly Creatures, and a screening of The Frighteners was arranged for her. She disliked the latter film, however, and showed no further interest in Jackson. Jackson, a lifelong Bond fan, remarked that as Eon tended to go for less famous directors, he would likely not get another chance to direct a Bond film after The Lord of the Rings. “
But just supposing…
1999. Eon HQ. In a caviar factory on the Black Sea.
BB: Peter, we’ve been having a look through your revisions of the script.
Jackson: Oh yes? Fran and I have been working hard on that.
MGW: Yes… there’s one or two things we’d like to talk about.
Jackson: Such as?
BB: Well, let’s start with the big climax of the movie. Now, the Empire State Building we can get. It’s just a question of knowing the right people.
MGW: But having Bond fight a giant ape all the way to the top of it, that’s where we have a problem.
Jackson: I like that part! It dwarves anything you’ve had so far!
BB: Ah, yes, now that you’ve brought that up- we aren’t happy about the dwarves.
Jackson: What, all of them?
MGW: Yes, all twelve of them. They have to go, Peter.
Jackson: (Grumpily and unhappily, though not sleepily, dopily, sneezily or bashfully.) Oh well, if you say so.
BB: Now, the casting: you want Sean Bean as Renard, I see.
Jackson: What’s the problem? Everybody loves Sean Bean, especially when he dies in his movies.
MGW: Yes, but we just had him two films ago and he died in that.
BB: Twice.
Jackson: Oh, all right.
MGW: And you can’t have Ian McKellen.
Jackson: What do you mean? He’s perfect for the part!
BB: Yes, he is, but we already have an M and I think we’ll just be sticking with her for as long as possible.
Jackson: I see. Is that all, then?
MGW: No, not quite.
BB: Peter, you have to understand that Pierce Brosnan has a contract with us.
MGW: We can’t just replace him at this short notice.
Jackson: But I’ve already made promises!
BB: Then you’ll have to break them. No way is Elijah Wood playing 007 in this film.
1985. The mansion of Elton John. Elton, dressed in ostrich feathers, sits at his diamond-encrusted piano running through a few chords. He hears the sound of feet walking along the corridor.
Voice: Hey, Elton!
(Elton quickly whips a hat upon his head then sees it is his long time friend and lyricist, Bernie Taupin.)
Elton: Oh, hi Bernie. (Takes hat off again.)
Bernie: Elton, I’ve been hearing about the new James Bond film.
Elton: Oh? What’s it called?
Bernie: “A View To A Kill”.
Elton: Ah. Roger Moore again?
Bernie: Yeah, him again. Anyway, I’ve been told about the plot. It seems the villain will be trying to bring Halley’s Comet down to Earth.
Elton: What?
Bernie: He’s going to bring it down into Silicon Valley. Next year is when it approaches close to Earth, you see.
Elton: Why would he want to do that?
Bernie: So his own investments increase in size, hugely- it’s a bit like Goldfinger wanting to make all the gold in Fort Knox unusable so his own stocks of gold increase in value.
Elton: Ah, okay. So what does that have to do with us?
Bernie: I think we should aim for getting the title song. You’ve been trying to do more movie work.
Elton: “A View To A Kill”? Lousy title.
Bernie: But we don’t have to use it- the last film “Octopussy” had a song called “All Time High”, and remember “Nobody Does It Better” from “The Spy Who Loved Me”?
Elton: All right, what do you have in mind?
Bernie: Well, Halley’s Comet doesn’t lend itself to a song so I thought we could be a bit more poetic and write something called “Shoot Down The Moon”.
Elton: Great! I like that! Let’s get to work.
(Half an hour later…)
(1) Elton John - Shoot Down the Moon (1985) With Lyrics! - YouTube
Elton: I think we’ve done a good job here.
Bernie: Yeah, it’s really nice. I’ll send it off to them today.
Elton: I think they’ll like it. What else could be their choice, getting some young band to do a song actually called “A View To A Kill”?
🤣🤣🤣
I'm interested in those Boothroyd posts above... When I recently saw FRWL I imagined that its original audience might at first have assumed that the "Equipment Officer" (Llewelyn) was a different character to the "Armourer", Major Boothroyd, seen in DN (Peter Burton). But FRWL's end titles credit Llewelyn as Boothroyd, so the assumption, from that point, is that it was the same chap after all... The rest is history...
The dining room at Fawlty Q Branch.
Colthorpe: I'll try the pate and the lamb casserole...
Major: Don't touch that! That's my lunch!
R (sarcastically) Thank you SO much! I hope you all enjoy your meals!
Major: I want that ready for Ahmed's tea party!
R (forcing a grin): Whatever you say, Major!
Colthorpe: The wine is corked!
R (Still sarcastically): Oh, I DO apologise! I'll take the bottle away for you... THERE, all gone! (Muttering aside) I wish I could make YOU vanish!
(Explosion. The dining room is in smoking ruins. Enter Cigar Girl through blasted wall.)
Cigar Girl: Que?
R (to Colthorpe, who is grimacing as he dusts down his lapels): SO sorry! She's from Bilbao!
Connie: Not to worry...I'll get on to that nice Mr O'Reilly... (Picks up phone) Hello... Mr O'Reilly... It's Connie Moneypenny here, O. H. M. Fawlty Service... I'd like to interest you in a demolition deal that involves...
Olivia Mansfield: Baaasill...!!!
😂😂😂 That’s excellent @Shady Tree
😁😁😁
dueling Q's!
___________________________________________________________________________
re this idea that Peter Jackson could have directed The World is Not Enough... some folks already complain that film is slow and overemotional, with a female character who adds nothing to the plot and is not persuasive in her role... these are all issues I had with his later Hobbit films, all that gratuitous slo-mo and Sam and Frodo staring into each others eyes. And of course he would have stretched the slight story into a ten hour trilogy. Everything folks dont like about this BondFilm would have been moreso!
On the other hand some folks would have appreciated the battle scene with a cast of thousands that would take up 3/4 of the running time without adding to the plot.
Oh, I'd have loved a ten hour three volume version of TWINE since it's one of my favourites! 😁
I think Elton did a good job there, too. The rising drama in that song is quite Bondian. Overall, though, it might have sat better with the more recent films of 'later Craig' than with mid-80s Moore - whose swan song as Bond was super-charged by New Romantic boy-band Barry fans!
I think it's a beautiful song, and that both Elton and Bernie deserve praise. Elton only sang it live for one tour, unfortunately. To me it was the best song on the accompanying album.
I learned it on piano at the time, though I've forgotten how to play it now.
Just thinking....
1999. Pinewood Studios, screening room. Peter Jackson has just finished proudly displaying his cut of “The World is Not Enough” to Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson.
Jackson: Well, there it is! What do you think?
MGW: (Coming out of a daze.) Well… it’s a little long, isn’t it?
Jackson: Long? It’s only three hours.
BB: I’m not sure we’re ready for a three hour long James Bond film… yet.
MGW: Maybe in another twenty years we might do that.
BB: And you’ve not covered most of the plot.
Jackson: What? You told me to have lots of action and I’ve done that.
MGW: But not a boat chase covering three quarters of the running time without adding anything to the plot.
Jackson: And you told me to have a beautiful lady who turns out to be a villain.
BB: Yes, but we didn’t mean the Cigar Girl.
MGW: We meant Elektra King, and you haven’t got her.
Jackson: Not yet, she’ll appear in part two.
BB/MGW: (Aghast.) Part two???
Jackson: Yes, this finishes with Bond sliding down the Millenium Dome. Part two will start at the funeral of her father.
BB: And that’ll be three hours long, too?
Jackson: Oh yes, of course.
MGW: Look, Peter, everything that you’ve shot here was meant for the pre-titles sequence.
Jackson: You told me I could make it the longest PTS you’ve had to date.
BB: Yes, but not three hours long!
MGW: And another thing- why are Gandalf, Frodo, Legolas and company all standing on a bridge watching the boat chase?
Jackson: Er… they got a bit lost on their way to the Mountains of Moria.
BB: That would certainly be an unexpected journey.
Jackson: Hey, I like that! (Pulls out notebook and writes.) An… unexpected… journey. Thanks!
MGW: (Firmly.) No, this won’t do at all. Peter, go back to the editing suite and cut this down severely.
Jackson: Cut it down? To how much?
BB: Maybe fifteen minutes tops.
Jackson: (Horrified.) Fifteen minutes???
MGW: Fifteen. And you’ll have to lose Cate Blanchett reading the prologue.
Jackson: Aw…..
2000. Pinewood Studios, screening room. Peter Jackson has just finished proudly displaying his cut of “The World is Not Enough- Part Two” to Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson.
Jackson: Well, there it is! What do you think?
BB: So… you’ve started with the funeral of Elektra’s father, and ended with the scene where she and Bond go skiing and are attacked.
Jackson: Yes, that’s right.
MGW: And you’ve still managed to make that three hours long.
Jackson: Well, there were some deleted scenes, I could always add them back in and-
BB: (In terror.) NO! … er, I mean, no thanks Peter, that won’t be necessary. Also, there’s still no sign of Renard.
Jackson: Of course not, he’ll be appearing in part three.
BB/MGW: Part three?????
Jackson: Well, there was only so much I could fit in.
MGW: Only so much? You had three hours!
Jackson: Yes, and I’ve still to fit in my cameo.
MGW: Your cameo?
Jackson: I always do a cameo in my films.
MGW: Your films? I’ve been doing cameos in James Bond films since you were in nappies!
BB: Calm down, calm down. Let’s change the subject. Peter, I see you’ve killed off Judi Dench.
Jackson: Naturally, I had to find a way to bring in Ian McKellen as M.
MGW: Then just change that right back- Barbara and I will decide when it’s time to kill off Judi Dench.
Jackson: Hmph.
BB: And you’ll have to lose that dragon.
Jackson: Aw…..
2001. Pinewood Studios, screening room. Peter Jackson has just finished showing “The World Is Not Enough- Part Three” to Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson.
Jackson: So, there you go.
MGW: Another three hour film, Peter?
Jackson: Oh, yes, of course.
BB: (Sighing.) There’s a couple of things we’d like to talk about, though.
Jackson: Oh?
MGW: Yes indeed. We’re not sure about this whole invisibility thing.
Jackson: Really?
BB: Yes- Bond finding this ring which he can use to make himself invisible. We think that might be going a bit far.
Jackson: What would you prefer, an invisible car?
MGW: Oh no, that would be terrible.
BB: Yes, you won’t catch us putting James Bond in an invisible car. Anyway, we don’t like this ring- that’s got to go.
Jackson: But-
MGW: No, Peter, re-edit it and take out the ring.
Jackson: (Grumbling.) All right, if you say so.
BB: And while you’re at it, cut out all the Beatles music.
Jackson: I’ll get back to you on that.
MGW: All of it- every little thing.
Jackson: I will.
BB: Which brings us to the ending….
Jackson: The endings, yes.
MGW: No, Peter, the ending. Only one of them.
Jackson: One????
BB: One ending we want, and one ending is what we will get.
Jackson: I could cut them down, maybe do three or four?
MGW: One. You could save a good twenty minutes or so just there.
Jackson: But-
BB: One ending has been good enough for all the James Bond films before, and one ending is what this one will have.
Jackson: If you say so.
MGW: And no, you can’t have Christopher Lee.
Jackson: What! Everybody loves Christopher Lee!
BB: True, but we’ve had him before, in a very prominent role.
Jackson: You used Joe Don Baker in three different films!
MGW: True, but no-one’s gonna expect him to pull out a golden gun and start shooting.
Jackson: Aw....
GOLDFINGER 2022
2022. Having out-cheated Goldfinger at golf, James Bond has hidden a Homer in his car and follows him to Dover….
Customs Officer: There you are, Mr Bond. Mr Goldfinger’s car has been loaded on the 09.20 ferry to Calais.
Bond: Thank you.
Officer: I must say, that car is heavier than it looked!
Bond: (Interested.) Oh?
Officer: Yes, the ferry definitely went down in the water when it drove aboard. Still, what a car, eh? Rolls Royce Phantom II.
Bond: Phantom III.
Officer: Nearly a hundred years old. Almost as old as your car, eh, Mr Bond?
(He indicates the Aston Martin DB5, slightly nettling Bond.)
Bond: Don’t suppose you got a look at anyone in the car?
Officer: Only the chauffeur. Tough looking customer.
Bond: Well, I suppose I’d better get ready to follow them. When’s the next ferry due?
Officer: Next ferry?
Bond: Yes, I want to follow them on the next ferry.
Officer: Oh, you won’t be able to do that, Mr Bond.
Bond: What do you mean?
Officer: You’ll need to get to the end of this queue
and wait your turn.
Bond: Surely you’re not serious!
Officer: I am serious, and don’t call me-
Bond: Okay, okay. Time Barbel stopped doing that one. Anyway, I didn’t see Goldfinger wait in any queue.
Officer: Of course not- he has dual nationality, and he used his EU passport. You obviously have a UK passport.
Bond: Well, yes...
Officer: Then to the end of that queue you go.
1988. Eon HQ, in a French chateau. Roger Moore sits with Cubby Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson.
Cubby: Well, we’ve now had the box-office results in from “The Living Daylights” and I must say everyone is very pleased. Well done again, Roger.
Roger: Thank you, Cubby, it was a very enjoyable film to make. I hope that your next one is just as successful and I’d like to thank you for-
Cubby: Hey slow down there, Roger, slow down. We’re planning our next one and would like to ask you back again.
Roger: Oh no, really, I think I’ve definitely done my last Bond movie. I’m getting a bit too-
MGW: Nonsense Roger, you look fine. Didn’t John Glen say you had another four Bond movies in you and you’ve only done one since then?
Roger: He was being very kind, but still-
Cubby: Look Roger, I think this one will be very good for you. For one thing, the plot centres around Felix Leiter and we’d like to bring David Hedison back so the two of you will be together again like in “Live And Let Die”.
Roger: David! It’s always a pleasure working with David.
MGW: Yes, he’ll be playing Felix who’s your oldest friend.
Roger: And there you’ve hit the nail on the head, Michael- “oldest”. He’s the same age I am.
Cubby: And he looks fine, too.
Roger: We had to use a whole team of stuntmen to cover for me on the last film.
MGW: And we’ll use them again, and more.
Roger: I don’t know….
Cubby: Look Roger, let me put it this way.
(He pulls out his chequebook and writes a cheque out. Slowly.)
Cubby: Any thoughts?
(Roger studies the cheque. Slowly.)
Roger: Lots of stuntmen?
MGW: Yes, Roger.
Roger: No silly costumes, like a clown in “Octopussy”?
MGW: No, Roger.
Roger: No leading ladies young enough to be my granddaughter?
Cubby: No, Roger.
Roger: Hang on- no leading ladies young enough to be my daughter, either?
Cubby: Ah… maybe.
Roger: Well…. All right, I’m in.
1989. Royal Premiere of “Licence To Kill”, starring Roger Moore as James Bond.
Cubby: ….and of course you know our James Bond, Roger Moore.
The Queen: Of course. Good evening, Mr Moore.
Roger: Good evening, Your Majesty.
The Queen: I’m delighted to see you again.
Roger: Always a pleasure, ma’am.
The Duke: You’ve been doing these films for a long time, eh, Moore?
Roger: That’s true, Your Highness.
The Duke: Pushing 30 years now, what?
The Queen: Philip!
Roger: No sir, it was Sean Connery at first. I’ve only been Bond for about 17 years.
The Duke: Hmph, seems longer than that.
Roger: You're perhaps thinking of "The Saint", sir. I was The Saint back in the 1960s.
The Duke: Hmmm, remind me...?
Roger: I drove a beautiful white Volvo.
The Duke: I thought you were driving an Aston Martin.
Roger: No sir, that was in "The Persuaders!"
The Duke: Ah yes, the one with the ejector seat.
Cubby: (Quickly.) Next, can I introduce you to....
James Bond’s flat. He sits reading his signed copy of “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” when there is a knock on the door. Bond answers, after going through the usual security measures.
Delivery Man: Mr Bond James Bond?
Bond: That’s right.
Delivery Man: No. 007 Fleming Avenue, Chelsea?
Bond: Yes.
Delivery Man: Got any ID?
Bond: Will this do?
(The delivery man finds the business end of a Walther PPK one inch away from the bridge of his nose.)
Delivery Man: All right, all right, keep your hair on. Here, this is for you.
(He hands over a parcel and makes for the exit, fast.)
Bond: A parcel? I wasn’t expecting any parcel….
(He examines the top of the parcel and sees that the sender is...)
Gebruder Gumbold
Advokaten
Bond: Gumbold...? Gebruder Gumbold...? (His eyes open wide.) Blofeld's lawyers!
(He instantly dives behind the nearest chair and listens for a ticking noise from the parcel. Nothing happens. Carefully, he reaches behind him for a golf club then gently pokes at the parcel. There is a scratching noise from inside.)
Bond: What the hell...?
(Slowly he comes to his feet and approaches the parcel. He now notices that there are a series of small holes punched in it.)
Bond: Almost like... air holes?
Box: Meow!
Bond: Oh no, he hasn't...
Box: Meow!
Bond: He couldn't have...
Box: Meow! Meow!
(Bond opens the box lid. A beautiful white cat instantly jumps out and begins to rub against his leg, purring.)
Bond: This I was not expecting.
(At the bottom of the box he sees a letter, which he begins to read.)
Honoured Sir
We represent the estate of the late Ernst Stavro Blofeld, also known as Number One, also known as Franz Oberhauser, also known as Monsieur le Comte Balthazar de Bleuville, also known as Monsieur le Comte Balthazar de Bleuchamp, etc etc. In his last will he specifically requested that we send the accompanying feline to you, knowing your deep love for such things. We trust that you will treat it well.
We remain
Gebruder Gumbold-Moosbrugger
Advokaten
16 bis
Bahnhofstrasse
Zurich
(Bond looks aghast at the letter, then to the cat which is happily making a place to fall asleep on his favourite chair. He reaches for his phone, and dials.)
Voice: Hello?
Bond: Q, is that you?
Q: Of course it is, 007, what do you want?
Bond: I’d like, er, to come round and see you tonight.
Q: Tonight? Well, I suppose that would be all right. What do you want?
Bond: Let’s just say I have a surprise for you. And, er, I won’t be coming alone….
1999. The home of Don Black. Don sits at his desk, a pile of crunched up papers in the bin below him.
Don: It’s no good, I’m getting nowhere with this.
Mrs Black: Just relax, Don, I’m sure you’ll get it- you always do!
Don: I’ve tried everything.
Mrs Black: What is it, anyway?
Don: I’m trying to come up with the lyrics for the new James Bond title song.
Mrs Black: What’s it called?
Don: “The World is Not Enough”.
Mrs Black: That shouldn’t be too difficult.
Don: But it is! The first line of the chorus is the title, and I can’t find the second line.
Mrs Black: Tough? Rough?
Don: No, I’ve tried them, it just sounds corny.
Mrs Black: Cuff? Muff?
Don: Those are silly.
Mrs Black: Never mind, just take a break. Fancy a cup of coffee?
(Don gets up from his desk and walks over to the coffee table.)
Don: I don’t know if that’ll help.
Mrs Black: But it is such a perfect place to start.
Don: (Startled.) What did you say?
Mrs Black: I said, but it is such a perfect place to start.
(Don leaps back to his desk and grabs a pen.)
Don: Thank you, darling!
Danny Boyle has left Bond25 over 'creative differences' - Page 15 — ajb007
2031. A beach in the Bahamas. Daniel Craig strolls along, enjoying the sunshine and happily beachcombing. A figure appears in the distance and gradually draws closer before waving a friendly hand.
Figure: Hello, Daniel.
Craig: Danny? Danny Boyle?
Boyle: Aye, it’s me.
Craig: Well, hello again!
(They shake hands warmly.)
Craig: I haven’t seen you since… well, since…
Boyle: Since the time I walked off “No Time To Die”? Though of course it wasn’t called that then.
Craig: That’s right. How have you been?
Boyle: Oh, I’ve been keeping busy. Listen, a friend of mine put John Hodge and me in touch with a lawyer who used to work for a man called Kevin McClory- you’ll have heard of him, of course?
Craig: Of course. Before my time with Bond. He’s dead now, isn’t he?
Boyle: Oh yes, years ago. Well, anyway, this lawyer reckons that since John and I put some ideas into the Bond project that eventually became “No Time To Die” then we have a very good case for owning some of the rights, to whit we have the rights to make a James Bond film ourselves.
Craig: I don’t think Eon would be very happy about that.
Boyle: As long as we stay within certain limits it would be okay.
Craig: You wouldn’t be able to use the Bond Theme and gunbarrel.
Boyle: That’s okay, we’ll just start with a lot of “007” symbols. And for the music, we’ll hire a respected Oscar-winning composer and tell him to write a really cheesy, terrible score.
Craig: This is starting to sound very familiar….
Boyle: Well, I was thinking that if we got you onboard to play James Bond then our position would be a lot stronger.
Craig: Me?
Boyle: Aye, you.
Craig: But Danny, I’ve over 60 now.
Boyle: Not a problem- you look fine and we can get stuntmen for the hard bits.
Craig: I’m not sure….
Boyle: And we’ll attempt to bring it out at the same time as Eon’s latest Bond film.
Craig: Like I said, this is sounding very familiar.
Boyle: So, what do you say, Daniel?
Craig: I’m in as long as I can pick the title.
Boyle: What do you have in mind?
Craig: “Never Say I’d Rather Slash My Wrists Again”.
1971. Las Vegas, a police station. An elderly couple sit in the witness room.
Wife: I told you we should just have kept going.
Husband: No, coming here and reporting it was the right thing to do.
Wife: But we’ve been here for hours now and-
(The door opens and Felix Leiter enters, Agent Hamilton close behind him.)
Felix: Hello, there, I’m Agent Leiter and this is Agent Hamilton.
Wife: (Rolling her eyes.) Wonderful, now we’ve got the FBI in on this.
(Felix gives a polite chuckle.)
Felix: No, ma’am, we’re not from the FBI. Now, could you just tell us please in your own words what happened.
Husband: We’ve already told the police!
Felix: I know, sir, but just one more time for me, please, and Agent Hamilton will take it all down.
(Hamilton produces a pad, pen and tape recorder.)
Husband: But-
Wife: (Sighs.) Just do it, Jonathan.
Husband: All right. We had left Las Vegas and were on our way home. The first thing that we saw was a red and black car, heading our way real fast. Real fast.
Felix: Did you get the make?
Husband: No, it was moving too fast. Anyway, we carried on a couple of miles and it was there that we saw it.
Felix: Saw what?
Wife: The alien! We saw an alien!
(Hamilton sniggers, and Felix shoots him a look.)
Husband: Quiet, Martha, I’m handling this. Yes, we saw an alien.
Felix: And what did it look like, sir?
Husband: Well, it was real tall, maybe ten feet, and it had one eye on top of its head.
Wife: And claws.
Husband: Yeah, it had claws, like a crab.
Felix: Could you draw it for me, please?
(He hands over pen and paper. The wife begins to draw.)
Felix: Was it walking towards you?
Husband: No, that’s the funny thing. It wasn’t walking- it was on wheels.
(Hamilton makes a choking sound. Felix kicks him under the table.)
Felix: Wheels, you say?
Husband: Yes, and there was another wheel bouncing along behind it, just next to the men.
Felix: Men? What men?
Husband: A bunch of men in green uniforms, light green uniforms.
Felix: They were running away from it?
Husband: No, that’s another strange thing. They weren’t running away from it, they were chasing after it as if they were trying to catch it.
Wife: Well, here’s the best drawing I could do.
(She hands a drawing to Felix.)
Husband: Yes, that’s it. That’s it exactly.
Felix: So what did you do then?
Wife: We turned the car around and headed back to Vegas as fast as we could!
Husband: Then we came to the nearest police station and told them what we saw.
(Felix studies the drawing.)
Felix: Well, I’d like to thank you both for reporting this.
Wife: Do you know what it is?
Felix: No, ma’am, but I gotta strong feeling I know who’s involved and I’ll be having a talk with him very soon.
Husband: So we can go now?
Felix: Yes, sir and ma’am, you can go and thank you very much. Enjoy your journey back to Smalltown.
Wife: Smallville.
Felix: Yes, of course.
(The couple head for the door.)
Husband: Do you want to spend another night here in Vegas?
Wife: Lord, no, let’s just get back home- we've never seen an alien there.
That's a twist, Barbel. Very unexpected. Well done.
that Martha and Jonathon, they see aliens everywhere
Thank you very much. Sometimes these ideas take a long time, while sometimes they arrive faster than a speeding bullet.
2012. Miss Moneypenny’s apartment. She is happily listening to the soothing voice of Barry Manilow as she dusts and tidies up when there is a knock on the door. She answers it to reveal her sister, Jane.
Jane: Eve, darling!
Eve: Jane!
(They embrace and kiss. Jane comes in and looks around.)
Jane: How different your place looks!
Eve: Yes, I told you I was having it redecorated.
Jane: Here, I got you a little something.
(She hands over a small parcel.)
Eve: (Opening parcel.) Oh, you shouldn’t have…. Perfume! It’s Calypso!
Jane: Yes, I know that’s your favourite.
Eve: Thank you, Jane. Would you like a drink?
Jane: Yes, please. Oh, I see you’ve got a home bar now.
Eve: It was part of the redecoration.
Jane: Let me see…. Vodka, Gordon’s gin, Kina Lillet…. I might have known.
Eve: Whatever do you mean?
Jane: And a shaker, some ice, lemon… you’ve got all the right ingredients, haven’t you?
Eve: (Totally innocently.) Ingredients for what?
Jane: You know exactly what. (Sighs.) You still haven’t given up hope, have you?
Eve: Hope?
Jane: You’re wanting to bring him back here. Give him some angel cake, mix him a drink, listen to some Barry Manilow, and then….
Eve: (Seeing there’s no point pretending.) Yes, I suppose you’re right. You’re still my guardian angel.
Jane: You’ve been wanting him for how long now? About-
Eve: (Quickly.) Yes, it’s been a long time.
Jane: Don’t you think it’s time to move on?
Eve: Move on? Maybe just a little longer….
Jane: No, now! He’s had his chance, many chances. No final fling. It’s time for you to find someone else to pin your hopes on.
Eve: Well, there’s the new head of Q Branch, he’s rather dishy.
Jane: I think you’re barking up the wrong tree there, Eve.
Eve: I suppose you’re right. But….
Jane: But what?
Eve: I have to go see him tomorrow.
Jane: Where?
Eve: You know I can’t tell you that.
Jane: Still Her Majesty’s secret servant.
Eve: Anyway, I do have to see him. Let’s see if anything crops up there…..
Apologies if this has already been done, I'm only an occasional visitor to AJB these days, but at work this afternoon as I was drowning Kittens
( It's not part of my work, I just enjoy it ) This idea popped in to my head. I imagine Ronnie Barker as the Eon representative, with Ronnie Corbett
as the Whitehall Mandarin and the beautiful Madeline Smith as the secretary.
A phone rings on an office Desk ..........
" Hello, Chumney-Fumbley-Farcourt-Bonner-Right Here."
" Oh, I only want one person "
" You've got one , I'm Hyphenated "
" You sound it, I'm from Eon productions, to get a few Notes from you about One of your Agent Johnnies ?"
" Oh Yes, Mr James shall we call him, I have the notes here, Much of it redacted of course but it should give you a feel for the man."
" Good Mr Black will be pleased, he'd like to do a really great Theme "
" Very well I shall begin ........ He always runs while others walk ( Wha, wha, wha Wha --- )
" Please Miss Placed-affections put down that trumpet ! There's a time and a place !"
" Typical politician It's OK for you to play with yourself all afternoon"
" Miss Placed-affections, It's By myself and it's Solitaire , now just take some notes "
"Sorry about that now where were we, ... ah yes He always runs while others walk
" So he's always rushing around the office "
" He acts while other men just talk "
" Likes his amateur Dramatics, does he "
"He looks at this world and wants it all "
" Bit of a greedy guts, I got it "
" So he strikes ....... "
" Bit of a left wing Bolshie is he , always complaining in a loud voice. "
" He Thunders and Balls "
" He knows the meaning of success "
" So he's got a Thesaurus then "
" His needs are more, so he gives less "
" Greedy again and doesn't give to charity "
" They call him the winner who takes all "
" Nick name then, bet he doesn't like it "
" And he strikes like........ "
" On strike again, I guess he Thunders and Balls again I suppose "
" Any woman he wants, he'll get "
" Bit of a sexual predator then "
" He will break any heart without regret "
" He must be a nightmare for the office Human Resources "
" His days of asking are all gone "
" A bit rude is he "
" His fight goes on and on and on "
" Bit of an Office Trouble maker "
" But he thinks that the fight is worth it all "
" I'm sure he does, he seems very opinionated "
" So he strikes ...... "
" He didn't go on strike again did he "
" Thunders and balls "
" To anyone who'd listen I'd guess."
" Any of this a help to you "
" Honestly No, I can't see Mr Black being able to string any of this in to a fantastic theme, but I'll pass it on, Thank you "
" Good bye "
Replacing the receiver he looks across to Miss Placed-Affections .....
" It's odd looking at this, Bond went to a good public school. He has had a string of women, he's untrustworthy and takes
No responsibility for his actions !"
" so ?"
" I'm just amazed he's not Prime Minister "
Yes, I can easily see the Two Ronnies doing that! 😂
Headquarters (1962)
Moneypenny: James, where on earth have you been? I've been searching London for you.
Bond: I was at the casino winning lots of money. After that I was playing golf with a gorgeous brunette in a shirt.
MP: Is that all?
Bond: No wait, I think she was wearing shoes too.
MP: As one should when one plays golf. So what pick up lines did you use this time?
Bond: Oh not many, just three words really; “Bond, (subtle music plays in the background) James Bond”.
MP: (sarcastically) Oh that’ll catch on and what’s so special about them anyway?
Bond: I think it was more to do with the way I said it. I don’t think anybody does it better.
MP: Don’t you mean “Nobody does it better”?
Bond: Ah yes, that’s the one. Anyway, when I got your message I left immediately.
MP: (looking a little suspicious) Immediately?
Bond: Almost immediately.
MP: Oh. In you go.
Bond: Good evening Sir.
M: It happens to be 3.00am. When do you sleep 007?
Bond: I could ask you the same thing.
M: Sit down. Jamaica went off the air tonight, in the middle of the opening procedure. We've checked and... Strangways has disappeared. So has his secretary. A new girl. We'd only just sent her out.
Bond: Was Strangways on something… special?
M: He was checking an enquiry from the Americans. The American CIA sent a man down to work with Strangways. A fellow called Leiter. Do you know him?
Bond: I’ve heard of him. Never met him. Has he found out anything important?
M: Better ask "him". You're booked on the 7 o'clock plane to Kingston.
(Armourer enters the room)
M: (to Bond) Take off your jacket.
Bond: You don’t say that as if you mean it.
M: This damn Beretta again. I've told you about this before. (to Armourer) You tell him - for the last time.
Armourer: The Beretta, has about as much stopping power as an Evertonian goalkeeper. However, it’s nice and light - in a lady's handbag.
Bond: How do you know that?
Armourer: Know what?
Bond: That it’s nice and light in a lady’s handbag.
Armourer: Well, when I was going through my ‘J Edgar Hoover’ phase I needed something to match one of my dresses and so…
M: (getting agitated) Armourer, get on with the briefing.
Armourer: Yes Sir, sorry Sir. Walther PPK. 7.65mm with a delivery like a brick through a plate-glass window. Takes a Brausch silencer, with little reduction in muzzle velocity.
M: The American CIA swear by them.
Bond: As opposed to the French CIA? The Russian CIA?
M: Any questions 007?
Bond: No Sir.
Bond starts to walk out with the Beretta.
M: 007.
Bond: Sir?
M: I wasn’t born yesterday.
Bond walks out with his tail between his legs
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the beach in Crab Key (1962)
Honey Ryder: (singing in a beautiful dulcet tone)
Underneath the mango tree
La-la la-la dee
Come watch for the moon
La-la-da-da
Mango tree, me honey and me
Make bu-lu-lup
Underneath the mango tree...
Make bu-lu-lup soon
La-la-la dee-da-da... me honey and me
Bond: (attempting to sing) Underneath the mango tree My honey and me...
Ryder: Stop right there.
Bond: It's all right. I'm not supposed to be here, either.
Ryder: No, I mean cut out that infernal racket. You ruined a perfectly good song. Egads man - you sound worse than Gymkata. Next thing you’ll be singing the same song holding a cup above your Granddaughters head cackling away.
Bond: You know, that’s not a bad idea.
Ryder: What are "you" doing here? Looking for shells?
Bond: No. I'm just perv ...er, umm, I ...I mean I’m just looking. I promise I won't steal your shells.
Ryder: I promise you you won't, either.
Bond: Are they valuable?
Ryder: This one is worth $50 in Miami. 50! I sell them down by the sea.
Bond: You shell your shea-shells by the sheashore?
Ryder: WTF did you jusht shay? Now you've got me doing it.
Bond: Anyway, I can assure you, my intentions are strictly honorable.
Ryder: (a likely story).
Bond: What's your name?
Ryder. Ryder.
Bond: Ryder what?
Ryder: Sometimes a horse, occasionally a bike.
Bond: I like an early morning ride.
Ryder: I’ll bet you do. What's your name?
Bond: Bond, (subtle music starts playing) James Bond.
A frantic Cayman Islander man starts running towards them. Honey pulls out a large knife ready to defend herself
Bond: It’s alright, that’s Quarrel - he’s with me.
Quarrel: Cap'n, beggin' yo pardon, but kin yo tell me what yo have in mind for we? I'se bin puzzlin' an' Ah caint seem to figger hout yo game.
Ryder: Your accent Quarrel? Manchester?
Quarrel: Close, Liverpool.
Ryder: Liverpool?
Bond: Yes, it’s a town in the North West of England. It’s where the Beatles come from.
Ryder: No they don't. Beetles are insects that form the order Coleoptera, in the superorder. Endopterygota. The Coleoptera, with about 400,000 described species, are found all over the world.
Bond: You’re cleverer than you look.
Ryder: I know. I’ve done three weeks training.
Bond: I was actually referring to a pop band called the Beatles who have just started out. I don’t think they’ll be very popular though. Probably best listened to with a pair of earmuffs.
Ryder: So why buy the record in the first place?
Bond: Well - we better take some cover. (to Quarrel) Fetch my shoes.
Quarrel: (First the girl, and the camera, now his flamin’ shoes). Listen Honky - you go and fetch your own god-damned shoes. And you ever speak to me like that ever again, I’ll kick your scrawny little white arse all the way back to Kingston.
Bond: Yes Quarrel, sorry Quarrel.
Quarrel and Honey Ryder run away to hide. Bond follows with his tail between his legs - and his shoes.
Lovely stuff, Mr Snow, and I like the attention to detail. You know, it wouldn't take much effort to extend that into covering the whole movie- or most of it anyway. I'd love to read your take on meeting Dr No, for example.
Except Liverpool is a City and not a town 😏
But most enjoyable 👏🏻
I love the idea of the cross-dressing Armourer. A naked civil servant?
I'm sure it's only a matter of time before there's a trans Q. Trans World Consortium?
"I never joke about my gender, Double-O Seven."