1963. London. James Bond has brought Tatiana back to his flat after their adventures in Venice and on the Orient Express.
Tatiana: But James, you know I have never seen your apartment. How can I agree to live there with you without seeing it? I may not like it!
Bond: Don’t you worry, Tatiana, you will love it.
Tatiana: Is it kulturny?
James: Yesh, Tatiana, it ish very kulturny. And here we are!
(He points.)
Tatiana: Oh, James, it is beautiful!
James: Jusht you wait till you shee the inshide.
(He takes out his keys and unlocks the door.)
James: In you go- ladiesh firsht.
Tatiana: Ooh, you are a true gentleman.
James: You know better than that by now! I think we-
(He suddenly stops speaking and listens.)
Tatiana: James? What-
Bond: Sshh!
(There is a faint clicking noise from one of the rooms. Softly, they approach. Bond draws his gun and opens the door to find…)
Sylvia Trench: Hello, James.
Bond: Shylvia! What on Earth are you….
(He stops, having by now noticed that she is only wearing one of his shirts and is playing golf. The scene has an oddly familiar ring to it.)
Sylvia: Oh, I just thought I’d drop by and greet you on your return to…. (She spots Tatiana.) And exactly who is this, may I ask?
Tatiana: Who am I? I would like to ask who are you!
Bond: Lishten, if you’d-
Sylvia: Who am I? I am his girlfriend! I’m the one he left by the Thames to go and do one of his silly missions!
Tatiana: And I suppose that I was the silly mission in question?
Bond: Ladiesh, pleashe jusht lishten-
Tatiana: Listen? I think I have heard enough!
(She marches out through the door.)
Tatiana: (Over her shoulder as she is leaving.) And your apartment is most definitely not kulturny!
Sylvia: (Gathering her things.) That seems like a good idea.
Bond: Pleashe, Shylvia, if you’d jusht wait a-
(But Sylvia has gone. Despondent, Bond sits down and sighs heavily. After a moment, he walks over to the telephone and pulls a small notebook from his pocket. He looks up a number and then dials it.)
Bond: Hello, Moneypenny? …. Yesh, it’sh me, Jamesh ….. I wash wondering if you’re free for dinner tonight ….. Oh you are? Well, I’ll be round in half an hour ….. Not at all, I’ve been dying to shee you.
(Thank you to Barbel who suggested some of the lines)
2023. The internet.
{@real007Bond.twitter} - No time to write - just got told I have to go to Jamaica!
{@real007Bond.twitter} - Flight was good bus driver from airport was a dead loss.
{Instagram: James007Bond} - This undertaker decided on a cremation
{@real007Bond.twitter} - Need to find a local guide - mustn't quarrel
{Instagram: James007Bond} - If you've got a job to do you got to do it well!
{@real007Bond.twitter} - This job sometimes involves waiting. Played some online solitaire on my mobile phone.
{Instagram: James007Bond} - Two bullets a day keeps the doctor away.
{@real007Bond.twitter} - My new friend @QuarrelAlly and I are going on a secret mission to Crab Key tonight.
{Instagram: James007Bond} Crab Key. I'm just looking.
{@real007Bond.twitter} Note to self: Follow the #MeToo guidelines to the letter when it comes to @WilderRyder.twitter. If not I fear my actions will come back and bite me.
{@real007Bond.twitter} - Deleted @QuarrelAlly from my contacts list. 😥
{@real007Bond.twitter} I haven't given you an update in ages! My phone had problems because of nuclear radiation in the last hour. I'll post more soon!
{@real007Bond.twitter} - I went to @NoMedicalDoctor.twitter for a second opinion. His residence is stylish and luxurious, if a bit too confining for my tastes. To my surprise everyone was waiting for me. Could there be a leak back in London?
{@QBranch.twitter} - Stop posting everything you do er think on Twitter, 007! Who do you think you are? Kim Kardashian? The 45th president of the United States?
{@real007Bond.twitter} This mission is turning into a heap of guano sh*t!
{Instagram: James007Bond} Me inspecting @NoMedicalDoctor.twitter's air duct system. Not looking my normal debonair self(ie) unfortunately ...
{@real007Bond.twitter} @NoMedicalDoctor.twitter seemed to be polite and a real art lover, but in the end I found him to be too heavy-handed. I decided to delete him for good.
{Instagram: James007Bond} I just left Crab Key, but only after posting a flaming review on Airbnb. A real burn!
{Instagram: James007Bond} On second thought I decided to take some long overdue vacation here in Jamaica! Be ready for more updates here on Instagram and on Twitter, Snapchat, Facebook and TikTok!
Chair: Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like you to look at this graph.
Finance: It seems pretty catastrophic.
Chair: Yes, indeed. This is our sales graph for the last 70 years.
Sales: It has been on a consistently downward path- and before anyone says anything, most of that was before I joined the company.
Chair: Yes, yes, no-one’s blaming you. Our sales started strong and have steadily plummeted year after year.
Finance: I’m sure that every other tobacco company has a similar tale to tell. Smoking has been going out of fashion, you know, aided by non-stop health messages and legislation from governments.
Chair: That can’t be denied, of course. I do, however, have to point out that before this period our sales were only modest. They reached a peak in the 1950s and 1960s before the decline you can see took hold.
Sales: And do we know what has caused that?
Chair: I believe we do. James Bond.
Finance: What?
Chair: I said Bond. James Bond.
Finance: I know what you said, I just don’t see how it’s relevant.
Chair: Ah, that’s because you weren’t around back then. In the 1950s, the books made a point of mentioning that Bond smoked Morland cigarettes with three rings on them, just like Ian Fleming himself did.
Sales: So?
Chair: Because the books were extremely popular, a lot of men (and a few ladies too) wanted to smoke the same cigarettes as James Bond did- so our sales went dramatically up. This continued during the 1960s with Bond smoking in the films, but after that Fleming had died and Bond didn’t smoke very often in the movies.
Finance: So what do you suggest?
Chair: I suggest that we approach Eon Productions and ask that their next James Bond smoke our cigarettes in their next film.
Sales: What are you going to appeal to, their heart?
Chair: No, their wallet.
Finance: Oh, that might work.
Chair: I’m going to offer to pay them to place our product in their production- I believe it’s called “product placement” and they have shown previously that they are very susceptible to that sort of thing.
Finance: Good idea, but you’d better get a move on. Their last film was finished years ago, and they’ve surely not been just sitting around doing nothing since then.
Chair: Surely not…..
(This is very imaginary. I’m pretty sure the company concerned doesn’t exist anymore)
2022. SPECTRE HQ, hidden underneath the release department of Eon HQ, where no-one will find it for years. Ernst Stavro Blofeld sits patiently, stroking his white cat. An underling enters.
Underling: Number One! So it’s true, you are alive!
Blofeld: Of course I am alive.
Underling: It was said that you died in Belmarsh Prison.
Blofeld: Yes, and it was also said that I died after being dropped from a helicopter down a giant chimney. Yet, here I am.
Underling: I expect you have a mission for us.
Blofeld: Of course.
Underling: Well, it won’t be to kill James Bond- the world knows that he died during a mission in the Far East.
Blofeld: And as with me, the world has heard that one before, too. But no, this time I have decided we must kill another agent- his friend, Felix Leiter.
Underling: But I thought…
Blofeld: Yes?
Underling: Never mind, I think I’m beginning to understand how things work here. So, you want this man dead- tell me, what does he look like?
Blofeld: Ah, that is where the problem lies. He looks like this:
And this:
And then:
Underling: But that is impossible!
Blofeld: I may even have missed one or two others.
Underling: No one man could look like all those different faces!
Blofeld: (Eyes looking innocently upwards.) I am not the best person in the world to comment upon that.
Underling: Wait, I have an idea- Number One, do you think it is possible that “Felix Leiter” is only a code name given to a series of different agents?
Blofeld: A code name theory? Don’t be ridiculous- next thing you’ll be telling me that “James Bond” is only a code name!
(Both laugh heartily.)
Underling: Well, maybe not.
Blofeld: Code name theory- did you ever hear anything so silly!
1989. The Hedison household. Mrs Hedison enters to find David seated calmly in an armchair, reading a magazine.
Mrs Hedison: David, what are you doing?
David: Isn’t it obvious? I’m sitting reading, darling. See here, they’re talking about the new version of “The Fly” with that guy, what’s his name, Jeff Goldbum.
Mrs Hedison: Goldblum.
David: Yeah, whatever. I betcha it’s not a patch on the old version that I made all those years ago, me and Vincent Price.
Mrs Hedison: (Loyally.) Of course not, dear.
David: I hope he doesn’t make a habit of remaking my old movies! What next, maybe “The Lost World”?
Mrs Hedison: Anyway, David, you know they’re making a new James Bond film soon!
David: Yes, of course I know.
Mrs Hedison: "Licence To Kill" it's called. And we’ve heard that Felix Leiter will be in this one.
David: Yes, that’s right.
Mrs Hedison: But when you heard that back in 1983, when Sean Connery was making “Never Say Never Again” and that Felix would be in that one, you were pacing up and down in front of the telephone waiting for it to ring!
David: (Wry smile.) Yes, I did.
Mrs Hedison: And again, in 1987, when Timothy Dalton was in “The Living Daylights” and you heard that Felix was going to be in that too, you practically wore out my carpet with your pacing up and down waiting for that damned telephone to ring!
David: That’s true.
Mrs Hedison: So why aren’t you doing that this time?
David: Well, I don’t think they’re going to call.
Mrs Hedison: Who are you. and what have you done with my husband?
David: (Laughing.) No, seriously, my love,they won’t call. They’ll probably get the guy who did it last time. I’m too old now, anyway, I’m over 60.
Mrs Hedison: Yes, I suppose you’re right.
(The telephone rings.)
Mrs Hedison: Aren’t you going to get that?
David: Na, it’s probably just the electricity people or something. You get it.
(Mrs Hedison answers the phone.)
Mrs Hedison: Hello? …. Oh Mr Broccoli, how nice to hear from you after all these- argh!
(David has come flying through the air with a speed that belies his age and seized the telephone from his wife’s grasp.)
David: Why hello, Mr Broccoli, how are you? …. What’s that you say? … Felix Leiter? …. Well, I don’t know, I’ll have to think about it…
Your level of research before writing up these conversations is simply impressive! You must've had bugs in the houses and offices of at a minimum fifty people to do this. Some of this surveillance must've gone on since the early sixties when you were just a middle-aged man. I won't even begin to try to calculate how many hours of perfectly legal surveillance (because we all know a man like you got warrants for all of it. Did you have photos of J. Edgar Hoover when you started out?)
And you had to listen to for decades! I assume the bugs are sound activated, so that lightens the load. It must be a relief for a man your age that the bugs in the EON offices have rarely been activated in the last three or four years. The forum and future film historians are deeply in debt to your fantastic work and dedication!
1968. A pet shop. A customer enters, a short bald man with a scar down one cheek and running through his eye. He approaches the owner, who naturally bears a striking resemblance to the young Sir Michael Palin.
Owner: ‘Evening, squire.
Customer: Good evening. I would like to purchase a small domesticated member of the feline family.
Owner: Come again?
Customer: I’m sorry, I have a cold. I would like to buy a cat.
Owner: Ah, I see.
Customer: Would you have any of such specimens available?
Owner: Of course, sir. Would you like a ginger cat?
Customer: No, thank you.
Owner: Then how about a Manx cat? All black, and no tail.
Customer: That’s not what I had in mind.
Owner: A Siamese perhaps?
Customer: That’s getting closer to what I want, but still no.
Owner: I take it you have had a cat before, then?
Customer: Indeed I have. Alas, I lost it in Japan.
Owner: How’d you manage to do that? Was it in a big city or in the countryside?
Customer: Actually, it was in a volcano.
Owner: Say what?
Customer: Never mind. Do you have-
Owner: Oh don’t tell me, I’m keen to guess. A hairless Sphinx maybe?
Customer: Definitely not- too much of a cliché.
Owner: Then a Maine Coon should do the trick.
Customer: Too big.
Owner: A British Short Hair? I’ve got one in tabby.
Customer: No, thank you.
Owner: A Russian Blue? There’s one over there.
Customer: It looks dead to me.
Owner: No, it’s only sleeping.
Customer: On its back?
Owner: The Russian Blue prefers kippin’ on its back!
Customer: Rrrighttt….
Owner: It might be simpler if you just tell me what you’re after.
Customer: I would like a White Persian.
Owner: Then why didn’t you just say so? Look, I’ve got one here.
(He brings a beautiful White Persian up to the counter.)
Cat: Meow.
Owner: There you go!
Customer: Thank you. Have you got a bag for it?
Owner: A bag?
Customer: Yes, I’m going to Switzerland soon.
Owner: (Decides not to argue any more with this strange man.) Yeah, sure. There you go.
(The customer takes the bag and puts the cat in it.)
Cat: Meow.
Customer: Thank you.
Owner: Now, you’ll be wanting some cat food and I’ve got just the right-
Customer: I prefer to make my own arrangements, thank you.
(He leaves the shop.)
Owner: Phew, I’m glad that’s over- here, wait a minute, he didn’t pay me!
A second pet shop. The same customer enters, carrying a medium-sized bag. The owner bears an even more striking resemblance to the young Sir Michael Palin.
Owner: ‘Evening, squire.
(The customer sits a medium-sized bag at his feet.)
Customer: Good evening. I would like to purchase some small rodents.
Owner: Small rodents? What exactly would you have in mind?
Owner: Just as I say. I would like to purchase some small rodents to use as foo- er, I mean, pets. Yes, pets, definitely.
(The bag wriggles slightly.)
Owner: Well, it would be helpful if you could be a bit more specific? Would you be after some mice, perhaps?
Customer: Could be, could be mice…. (He looks at his bag.) I said MICE. (Nothing happens.) No, not mice.
Owner: How about rats?
Customer: That sounds good. Rats. (The bag gives a small wriggle.) Rats? …. No, not rats.
Owner: (By now very puzzled.) Gerbils?
Customer: Gerbils…. No, not gerbils.
Owner: Then maybe hamsters?
Customer: Hamsters?
(The bag emits a loud “meow”. The customer gives it a swift kick.)
Owner: Hey, what’s going on? Have you got something in that bag, like a cat?
Customer: What? No, of course not! What an idea!
Owner: Hmmm… all right, hamsters then?
Customer: Yes, hamsters. How many do you have?
Owner: I have about twelve- but you can’t keep them living together, you know, they’ll fight and kill each other.
Customer: That will not be a problem. And I may be back soon for more.
Owner: Rrrrighttt….
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,756Chief of Staff
1964. Press conference for “Goldfinger”. A row of seats is set out behind a table on a stage. They are at present empty. The reporters are filing in and taking their places. Backstage….
Cubby: Now, is everyone clear on what they have to do?
Harry: I have to work the room, make sure the reporters ask their questions one at a time rather than all at once.
Sean: (Reluctantly.) I have to reshisht knocking the living daylightsh out of every reporter who callsh me “Mr Bond” rather than “Mr Connery”.
Cubby: That’s right, thank you Sean. Honor?
Honor: I have to refrain from giggling every time I say my character’s name.
Harry: Can we try that right now?
Honor: (Very reluctantly.) I suppose so, if we must.
Harry: Miss Blackman, what is the name of the character you are playing?
Honor: My name is Puss… Pussy Ga… (She breaks up giggling.)
Cubby: Now, please, Honor! Try a little harder!
Honor: My name is… (Takes a deep breath.) Pussy Galore.
Harry: There, see, you can do it if you try.
Cubby: And you, Gert?
Gert: Ich muss so wenig wie möglich sagen.
Cubby: I hope the man from “Der Spiegel” turns up, you can handle him.
Harry: Is that everything?
Cubby: Only one more thing- Harold, just smile and say nothing whatever they ask you.
(Harold smiles and says nothing.)
Cubby: Perfect! Let’s go!
Nikki: But Mr Broccoli! What about me?
Cubby: Now, we’ve spoken about this before, Nikki. You can’t join us.
Eon HQ, underneath a mango tree. BB and MGW are taking turns staring at the paint on the wall. The door opens and a blond man bursts in.
Man: Hello, and greetings!
BB: Wha..?
MGW: Who the hell are you? What do you want?
Man: I have just quit my job. I am the answer to all of your problems!
BB: You are?
Man: Most affirmatively! You are looking for a new James Bond, or so I believe?
MGW: Yes, we are.
Man: Although my sources tell me you haven’t been looking too hard!
BB: Whatever gives you that idea?
Man: Pshaw! It is common knowledge, not of course that there is anything common about me, you know.
MGW: Wait a minute, don’t I know you…?
Man: Of course you know me. Now, let me tell you why I am the unique, the unparalleled choice to be James Bond.
BB: Yes, I think I recognise you as well You’re Bo-
Man: Yes, yes, we all know who I am.
MGW: All right, Mr John-
Bo--- John---: I shall tell you why I am the only person to impersonate, act as, or even embody James Bond. Now, what is the one thing everyone knows about James Bond?
BB: He is irresistible to women.
Bo--- Jo---: Exactly! Or even indubitably! Well, everyone is aware that I am most definitely irresistible to women!
(BB and MGW look at him skeptically.)
MGW: Really?
Bo--- Jo---: I know, I don’t understand it myself, but for some reason women just can’t seem to keep their hands off me! Ask Jennifer, or Nadine, or many many others.
BB: You know, I remember hearing about that. All right, if we concede you that point then there’s much more to being James Bond than just being irresistible to women. What other qualities have you got?
Bo--- Jo---: I have seen many of your films, you know, like “Moonraker” or “Die Another Day” (MGW and BB squirm slightly at the mention of that last one, but Bori… I mean, the man doesn’t notice and continues.) and it seems to me that one very important quality of being James Bond is the ability to speak absolute total nonsense and still have many people believing what you are saying.
MGW: And you think you have that ability?
Bo--- Jo---: My dear fellow, millions of people have been believing the utter garbage I have been speaking for years!
BB: And is there anything else? I think you may be, how can I put this delicately, just a shade too mature for the part.
Bo--- Jo---: I’m younger than Roger Moore was in “A View To A Kill”!
MGW: (Doing some quick work with a calculator.) I think that may be a lie.
Bo--- Jo---: Is it? I’ve got to the point where I can’t tell the difference between truth and lies any more.
BB: So, let me see: you’re too old for the job, you can’t tell the difference between truth and lies, and you believe that all women find you irresistible- have you thought about running for President of the USA?
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,756Chief of Staff
(an old man in Scotland helped me out with some jokes. 🙂
1963.The internet.
{@SPECTRE.instagram} SPECTRE Island - the place to go for a quick facelift!
{RosaSPECTRE@Instagram} I'm checking out (or checking ..... how do the English say?) my new recruit {Tatiana@KomeradeKulturny.com} for the planned honey trap operation.
{KomeradeKulturny@Instagram} Apparently one has to make all kinds of sacrifices when working on secondment in the KGB.
{Instagram: James007Bond} Was just looking up an old case when I got summoned to the office. Duty calls!
{Instagram: James007Bond} At work I found out I finally have a stalker! Or is it just some Russians trolling me?
{Instagram: James007Bond} Got some new luggage for the journey. I hope there won't be any problems with airport security and there's room enough for extra underwear and socks.
{Instagram: James007Bond} Have just met our local representative {kerim@StationT&A.com} . He's a family man, but I think we have a lot of interests in common.
{Instagram: James007Bond} I went for some sightseeing in the Hagia Sofia cathedral. Very impressive architecture! ....Oh, I discovered the body of a recently murdered man there too.
{@real007Bond.twitter} Who would've thought the espionage situation in Istanbul was this complicated? It's almost Byzantine!
{Instagram: James007Bond} {kerim@StationT&A.com} took me to dinner and a show.
{Instagram: James007Bond} The Gipsy camp is under attack! Thanks to my complete situational awareness of the battlefield I made sure our side won. I barely have to squeeze off a shot from the hip and and one or two enemies fall dead to the ground. 🥇
{Instagram@RedWine} it's a blast being the bodyguard of that posh bastard Bond! Without my help that cocky bastard would've been dead in the first minute of the attack.
{Instagram: James007Bond} (Post does not comply with Instagram moral guidelines)
{Instagram: James007Bond} I find my background in the Royal Navy to be useful in many situations.
{Instagram: James007Bond} Based on what I observed I decided to visit the Soviet embassy in person.
{Instagram: James007Bond} I found what I was looking for. Now {Tatiana@KomeradeKulturny.com} and I are going on the Orient Express!
{@real007Bond.twitter} We're on the train, but how on earth did the opposition learn of my secret escape plan?
{gag.order@ SPECTRE.instagram} don't you hate it when old men insist on telling you their whole life story?
Instagram: James007Bond} Murder on the Orient Express! 🕵️♂️
{Instagram: James007Bond} I love a good tussle to pass the time on train journeys!
{Instagram: James007Bond} The agent from Station Y {Instagram@RedWine} is very dependable, but i'm not keen on his wine choice.
{Instagram: James007Bond} I love a good tussle to pass the time on train journeys!
{@real007Bond.twitter} I switched from train to boat.
{Instagram: James007Bond} SPECTRE keeps finding me! if I only knew who their source is. I gave them a lecture on the dangers of oil spills at sea.
{Instagram: James007Bond} Nice hotel, though the maid service was terrible. Again, two stars on Airbnb. ⭐️⭐️
{Instagram: James007Bond} I was told SPECTRE had some revenge porn to blackmail me, but as far as I can see this surveillance film is fair and really complimentary . 😀
That’s very good, N24. If I knew what Instagram was I’d have enjoyed it more 😂 is it some sort of review app where people share every waking moment of their lives?
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
With many thanks to my beloved lady, Bride Of Barbel, who came up with the idea.
2023. The Broccoli mansion. In the dead of night, Barbara lies fast asleep in her room clutching her life-size Daniel Craig shaped teddy bear. A ghostly light appears in the centre of the room, takes shape, then moves beside the bed.
Ghost: Barbara….
BB: Zzzzz… oh yes, Daniel, come back to me….
Ghost: (Louder.) Barbara!
BB: (Awakening.) What? Who’s there?
Ghost: It is I, the ghost of-
BB: -the ghost of my father, yes. Daddy, we’ve been through all this before.
Ghost: Not this thing.
BB: We’ve been through letting James Bond die in the last movie, taking too long in between films, and giving Daniel Craig the part in the first place.
Ghost: Not to mention that excuse for a song.
BB: Yes, all right, not to mention “Another Way To Die”. What is it that you want this time?
Ghost: I have returned from my slumbers to remonstrate with you over the other projects you have been wasting your time with rather than making James Bond movies.
BB: What, do you mean those plays that I like to do?
Ghost: No, that’s all right. I mean your films, such as “The Rhythm Method”-
BB: Rhythm Section.
Ghost: Yeah, whatever. And “Film Stars Don’t Fly In Liverpool”.
(BB is too polite to correct her father’s ghost a second time.)
BB: Yes, so? What of it?
Ghost: Time spent making these that should have been spent making James Bond films! I never wasted my time like that!
BB: Oh? What about “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” then?
Ghost: That was at least by Ian Fleming! And it was a lot more successful than what you’ve been making- plus, you got to make a stage version as well.
BB: Dad, I need to spread my wings. I need to do other things than James Bond.
Ghost: Hmph. Really!
(The ghost fades away. Barbara lies awake, an idea beginning to brew in her mind.)
The next morning. Barbara and Michael are sitting down to breakfast, served to them by their flunkies Neal and Robert. They are going through the day’s newspapers.
BB: Oh, Michael, look here- it says that Ben Whishaw will be making a film called “Limonov, The Ballad Of Eddie”.
MGW: That’s good, I hope he does well. Does it say anything about Naomie?
BB: She did a TV series called “The Man Who Fell To Earth”.
MGW: Ah, like that old David Bowie movie.
BB: Yes, it’s a sequel.
MGW: And Ralph Fiennes is making a movie called “Conclave”, then after that one called “The Return”.
BB: Sounds very interesting. What about Rory Kinnear?
MGW: Apparently he’s currently doing a TV series called “The Diplomat”- he’s playing the Prime Minister.
BB: So, they’re all busy then?
MGW: Certainly seems that way.
BB: Oh dear. That will mean they are unavailable for filming a new James Bond movie at the moment, then.
MGW: That’s right.
BB: Oh, well. We’d better not make one then.
MGW: Indeed.
(Pause.)
BB: Pass the marmalade, Michael.
MGW: Certainly. Well, then after that it's time for us to go to Eon HQ.
BB: Er... Michael, I'll be going out for a while today.
MGW: What? You mean I'll have to do nothing all by myself?
BB: Take Neal and Robert with you. I'll catch up with you later.
The Oh Cult Voodoo shop. The shelves and walls are full of stuffed snakes, preserved heads, and so forth. The attractive young lady behind the counter is on the phone as Barbara enters, which gives her time to have a look around.
Lady: (On telephone.) … Yes, I’m glad that doll and pins worked so well for you, Mr Sunak…. No, I don’t think he’ll be bothering you any more…. You’re welcome. Bye now.
(She hangs up and smiles pleasantly at BB who is looking dubiously at a display of shrunken heads on a wall.)
Lady: Something in heads?
BB: Just browsing, thank you.
Lady: Just let me know if there’s anything you need.
BB: Well, there is one thing…
Lady: Please, tell me and I’ll see if I can help.
BB: Do you have something that will keep away ghosts?
Lady: Hmm, that can sometimes be very difficult. Is it a ghost with whom you have a personal connection?
BB: Yes, it is- it’s the ghost of my father. He died nearly thirty years ago and he keeps coming back to tell me off for things that he says I have done.
Lady: Wait a moment, I think I recognise you- give me a second, it’ll come to me…. I know, you’re that James Bond lady! Barbara Cauliflower!
BB: Barbara Broccoli.
Lady: Yes, you’re the daughter of the old producer, Cubby Cauliflower.
BB: Cubby Broccoli.
Lady: Ah, potato, potahto. You’re the one who killed off James Bond in that last movie!
BB: Well, not just me, my brother-
Lady: And you okay’d that godawful song for “Quantum Of Solace”!
BB: Hey, I liked that!
Lady: And you take so long in between movies that kids have finished their school, been at university, and are now married with three kids of their own.
BB: Now, that’s just an exag-
Lady: Is this the sort of stuff that your father’s ghost has been visiting you at night to complain about?
BB: Well, yes.
Lady: Then tell me where his grave is and I’ll go lay some flowers on it. I’m not helping you keep his ghost away!
(Barbara lowers her head and slinks out of the shop.)
(Half an hour later, Barbara has found a different shop- a New Age one. The shelves and walls are covered with crystals, dreamcatchers, and that kind of thing. Behind the counter lounges a languid, louche lady draped in a poncho and with the sort of small, round glasses that John Lennon used to wear.)
Lady: Good afternoon, madam.
BB: (Cautiously.) Good afternoon.
Lady: How may I help you?
BB: I’m looking for something that will keep ghosts away while I sleep.
Lady: Do you mean ghosts in general, or one in particular?
BB: Just one.
Lady: And is this the ghost of someone you know?
BB: Yes, it’s my father.
Lady: And you don’t want to see him?
BB: That’s right.
Lady: Then may I suggest that you take this? (She displays a small box. It's made of silver and has ancient writing on the lid.) Inside it you must place something that belonged to the ghost in life- a ring perhaps- and then put the box under your pillow when you sleep.
BB: And this will definitely work?
Lady: This will deter all ghosts, phantoms, wraiths, apparitions, spirits, and visions from disturbing you in your slumbers.
BB: I’ll take it!
Lady: I must warn you, it costs-
BB: I don’t care how much it is, I’ll take it!
(Much later, back at the Broccoli mansion, Barbara lies fast asleep- tucked under her pillow is the little box in which she has placed her late father’s watch minus its bracelet. However, in the dead of night, the light appears in her room again and gradually coalesces into a ghostly form.)
Ghost: Barbara….
BB: Zzzzz…. Look Pierce, I know how you feel but we had to do it….
Ghost: (Louder.) Barbara!
BB: (Awakening.) What? Who? ….. Oh no, not again!
Ghost: Yes, again, it is I.
BB: But it can’t be! (She reaches under her pillow and produces the small box.) The lady in the shop promised me that this box would deter all ghosts, phantoms, wraiths, apparitions, spirits, and visions.
Ghost: Really, is that what she said?
BB: Yes!
Ghost: Then I am surprised at you, daughter, though sadly not for the first time . You should know that I am no ghost, phantom, wraith, apparition, spirit, or vision.
Comments
1963. London. James Bond has brought Tatiana back to his flat after their adventures in Venice and on the Orient Express.
Tatiana: But James, you know I have never seen your apartment. How can I agree to live there with you without seeing it? I may not like it!
Bond: Don’t you worry, Tatiana, you will love it.
Tatiana: Is it kulturny?
James: Yesh, Tatiana, it ish very kulturny. And here we are!
(He points.)
Tatiana: Oh, James, it is beautiful!
James: Jusht you wait till you shee the inshide.
(He takes out his keys and unlocks the door.)
James: In you go- ladiesh firsht.
Tatiana: Ooh, you are a true gentleman.
James: You know better than that by now! I think we-
(He suddenly stops speaking and listens.)
Tatiana: James? What-
Bond: Sshh!
(There is a faint clicking noise from one of the rooms. Softly, they approach. Bond draws his gun and opens the door to find…)
Sylvia Trench: Hello, James.
Bond: Shylvia! What on Earth are you….
(He stops, having by now noticed that she is only wearing one of his shirts and is playing golf. The scene has an oddly familiar ring to it.)
Sylvia: Oh, I just thought I’d drop by and greet you on your return to…. (She spots Tatiana.) And exactly who is this, may I ask?
Tatiana: Who am I? I would like to ask who are you!
Bond: Lishten, if you’d-
Sylvia: Who am I? I am his girlfriend! I’m the one he left by the Thames to go and do one of his silly missions!
Tatiana: And I suppose that I was the silly mission in question?
Bond: Ladiesh, pleashe jusht lishten-
Tatiana: Listen? I think I have heard enough!
(She marches out through the door.)
Tatiana: (Over her shoulder as she is leaving.) And your apartment is most definitely not kulturny!
Sylvia: (Gathering her things.) That seems like a good idea.
Bond: Pleashe, Shylvia, if you’d jusht wait a-
(But Sylvia has gone. Despondent, Bond sits down and sighs heavily. After a moment, he walks over to the telephone and pulls a small notebook from his pocket. He looks up a number and then dials it.)
Bond: Hello, Moneypenny? …. Yesh, it’sh me, Jamesh ….. I wash wondering if you’re free for dinner tonight ….. Oh you are? Well, I’ll be round in half an hour ….. Not at all, I’ve been dying to shee you.
1999. The Broccoli mansion, Wilson division.
MGW: Come on, darling, we’ll be late for the premiere of “The World is Not Enough”.
Mrs Wilson: Do I have to, Michael? You’ll just be walking about with your sister, introducing everybody to The Queen, and I’ve seen that.
MGW: You can talk to Judi Dench and Pierce Brosnan.
Mrs Wilson: I’ve done that already, remember? Twice!
MGW: Well, you can chat with Denise Richards.
Mrs Wilson: No thanks- the first time we met she kept calling me “Mrs Broccoli”, I think she must have thought I was your mother.
MGW: You can be in the same photo as Paul McCartney.
Mrs Wilson: Quick, zip me up! Let’s go!
The james bond quote conversation - Page 1581 — ajb007
(Thank you to Barbel who suggested some of the lines)
2023. The internet.
{@real007Bond.twitter} - No time to write - just got told I have to go to Jamaica!
{@real007Bond.twitter} - Flight was good bus driver from airport was a dead loss.
{Instagram: James007Bond} - This undertaker decided on a cremation
{@real007Bond.twitter} - Need to find a local guide - mustn't quarrel
{Instagram: James007Bond} - If you've got a job to do you got to do it well!
{@real007Bond.twitter} - This job sometimes involves waiting. Played some online solitaire on my mobile phone.
{Instagram: James007Bond} - Two bullets a day keeps the doctor away.
{@real007Bond.twitter} - My new friend @QuarrelAlly and I are going on a secret mission to Crab Key tonight.
{Instagram: James007Bond} Crab Key. I'm just looking.
{@real007Bond.twitter} Note to self: Follow the #MeToo guidelines to the letter when it comes to @WilderRyder.twitter. If not I fear my actions will come back and bite me.
{@real007Bond.twitter} - Deleted @QuarrelAlly from my contacts list. 😥
{@real007Bond.twitter} I haven't given you an update in ages! My phone had problems because of nuclear radiation in the last hour. I'll post more soon!
{@real007Bond.twitter} - I went to @NoMedicalDoctor.twitter for a second opinion. His residence is stylish and luxurious, if a bit too confining for my tastes. To my surprise everyone was waiting for me. Could there be a leak back in London?
{@QBranch.twitter} - Stop posting everything you do er think on Twitter, 007! Who do you think you are? Kim Kardashian? The 45th president of the United States?
{@real007Bond.twitter} This mission is turning into a heap of guano sh*t!
{Instagram: James007Bond} Me inspecting @NoMedicalDoctor.twitter's air duct system. Not looking my normal debonair self(ie) unfortunately ...
{@real007Bond.twitter} @NoMedicalDoctor.twitter seemed to be polite and a real art lover, but in the end I found him to be too heavy-handed. I decided to delete him for good.
{Instagram: James007Bond} I just left Crab Key, but only after posting a flaming review on Airbnb. A real burn!
{Instagram: James007Bond} On second thought I decided to take some long overdue vacation here in Jamaica! Be ready for more updates here on Instagram and on Twitter, Snapchat, Facebook and TikTok!
And thanks to Number24 for this idea!
2023. Morlands Tobacco.
Chair: Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like you to look at this graph.
Finance: It seems pretty catastrophic.
Chair: Yes, indeed. This is our sales graph for the last 70 years.
Sales: It has been on a consistently downward path- and before anyone says anything, most of that was before I joined the company.
Chair: Yes, yes, no-one’s blaming you. Our sales started strong and have steadily plummeted year after year.
Finance: I’m sure that every other tobacco company has a similar tale to tell. Smoking has been going out of fashion, you know, aided by non-stop health messages and legislation from governments.
Chair: That can’t be denied, of course. I do, however, have to point out that before this period our sales were only modest. They reached a peak in the 1950s and 1960s before the decline you can see took hold.
Sales: And do we know what has caused that?
Chair: I believe we do. James Bond.
Finance: What?
Chair: I said Bond. James Bond.
Finance: I know what you said, I just don’t see how it’s relevant.
Chair: Ah, that’s because you weren’t around back then. In the 1950s, the books made a point of mentioning that Bond smoked Morland cigarettes with three rings on them, just like Ian Fleming himself did.
Sales: So?
Chair: Because the books were extremely popular, a lot of men (and a few ladies too) wanted to smoke the same cigarettes as James Bond did- so our sales went dramatically up. This continued during the 1960s with Bond smoking in the films, but after that Fleming had died and Bond didn’t smoke very often in the movies.
Finance: So what do you suggest?
Chair: I suggest that we approach Eon Productions and ask that their next James Bond smoke our cigarettes in their next film.
Sales: What are you going to appeal to, their heart?
Chair: No, their wallet.
Finance: Oh, that might work.
Chair: I’m going to offer to pay them to place our product in their production- I believe it’s called “product placement” and they have shown previously that they are very susceptible to that sort of thing.
Finance: Good idea, but you’d better get a move on. Their last film was finished years ago, and they’ve surely not been just sitting around doing nothing since then.
Chair: Surely not…..
(This is very imaginary. I’m pretty sure the company concerned doesn’t exist anymore)
I remember going to find it in the 80’s and it had long gone. I’ve got these pics from the internet.
Thanks, CHB, great pics.
2022. SPECTRE HQ, hidden underneath the release department of Eon HQ, where no-one will find it for years. Ernst Stavro Blofeld sits patiently, stroking his white cat. An underling enters.
Underling: Number One! So it’s true, you are alive!
Blofeld: Of course I am alive.
Underling: It was said that you died in Belmarsh Prison.
Blofeld: Yes, and it was also said that I died after being dropped from a helicopter down a giant chimney. Yet, here I am.
Underling: I expect you have a mission for us.
Blofeld: Of course.
Underling: Well, it won’t be to kill James Bond- the world knows that he died during a mission in the Far East.
Blofeld: And as with me, the world has heard that one before, too. But no, this time I have decided we must kill another agent- his friend, Felix Leiter.
Underling: But I thought…
Blofeld: Yes?
Underling: Never mind, I think I’m beginning to understand how things work here. So, you want this man dead- tell me, what does he look like?
Blofeld: Ah, that is where the problem lies. He looks like this:
And this:
And then:
Underling: But that is impossible!
Blofeld: I may even have missed one or two others.
Underling: No one man could look like all those different faces!
Blofeld: (Eyes looking innocently upwards.) I am not the best person in the world to comment upon that.
Underling: Wait, I have an idea- Number One, do you think it is possible that “Felix Leiter” is only a code name given to a series of different agents?
Blofeld: A code name theory? Don’t be ridiculous- next thing you’ll be telling me that “James Bond” is only a code name!
(Both laugh heartily.)
Underling: Well, maybe not.
Blofeld: Code name theory- did you ever hear anything so silly!
Which led me on to....
1989. The Hedison household. Mrs Hedison enters to find David seated calmly in an armchair, reading a magazine.
Mrs Hedison: David, what are you doing?
David: Isn’t it obvious? I’m sitting reading, darling. See here, they’re talking about the new version of “The Fly” with that guy, what’s his name, Jeff Goldbum.
Mrs Hedison: Goldblum.
David: Yeah, whatever. I betcha it’s not a patch on the old version that I made all those years ago, me and Vincent Price.
Mrs Hedison: (Loyally.) Of course not, dear.
David: I hope he doesn’t make a habit of remaking my old movies! What next, maybe “The Lost World”?
Mrs Hedison: Anyway, David, you know they’re making a new James Bond film soon!
David: Yes, of course I know.
Mrs Hedison: "Licence To Kill" it's called. And we’ve heard that Felix Leiter will be in this one.
David: Yes, that’s right.
Mrs Hedison: But when you heard that back in 1983, when Sean Connery was making “Never Say Never Again” and that Felix would be in that one, you were pacing up and down in front of the telephone waiting for it to ring!
David: (Wry smile.) Yes, I did.
Mrs Hedison: And again, in 1987, when Timothy Dalton was in “The Living Daylights” and you heard that Felix was going to be in that too, you practically wore out my carpet with your pacing up and down waiting for that damned telephone to ring!
David: That’s true.
Mrs Hedison: So why aren’t you doing that this time?
David: Well, I don’t think they’re going to call.
Mrs Hedison: Who are you. and what have you done with my husband?
David: (Laughing.) No, seriously, my love, they won’t call. They’ll probably get the guy who did it last time. I’m too old now, anyway, I’m over 60.
Mrs Hedison: Yes, I suppose you’re right.
(The telephone rings.)
Mrs Hedison: Aren’t you going to get that?
David: Na, it’s probably just the electricity people or something. You get it.
(Mrs Hedison answers the phone.)
Mrs Hedison: Hello? …. Oh Mr Broccoli, how nice to hear from you after all these- argh!
(David has come flying through the air with a speed that belies his age and seized the telephone from his wife’s grasp.)
David: Why hello, Mr Broccoli, how are you? …. What’s that you say? … Felix Leiter? …. Well, I don’t know, I’ll have to think about it…
Your level of research before writing up these conversations is simply impressive! You must've had bugs in the houses and offices of at a minimum fifty people to do this. Some of this surveillance must've gone on since the early sixties when you were just a middle-aged man. I won't even begin to try to calculate how many hours of perfectly legal surveillance (because we all know a man like you got warrants for all of it. Did you have photos of J. Edgar Hoover when you started out?)
And you had to listen to for decades! I assume the bugs are sound activated, so that lightens the load. It must be a relief for a man your age that the bugs in the EON offices have rarely been activated in the last three or four years. The forum and future film historians are deeply in debt to your fantastic work and dedication!
🤣🤣🤣
Actually, I don’t know why I’m laughing because I’m older than Barbel 🥲
😂😂😂 Thank you for reminding me how old I am.
And thank you for reminding me I'm still not the oldest around here!
Anytime 😁
1968. A pet shop. A customer enters, a short bald man with a scar down one cheek and running through his eye. He approaches the owner, who naturally bears a striking resemblance to the young Sir Michael Palin.
Owner: ‘Evening, squire.
Customer: Good evening. I would like to purchase a small domesticated member of the feline family.
Owner: Come again?
Customer: I’m sorry, I have a cold. I would like to buy a cat.
Owner: Ah, I see.
Customer: Would you have any of such specimens available?
Owner: Of course, sir. Would you like a ginger cat?
Customer: No, thank you.
Owner: Then how about a Manx cat? All black, and no tail.
Customer: That’s not what I had in mind.
Owner: A Siamese perhaps?
Customer: That’s getting closer to what I want, but still no.
Owner: I take it you have had a cat before, then?
Customer: Indeed I have. Alas, I lost it in Japan.
Owner: How’d you manage to do that? Was it in a big city or in the countryside?
Customer: Actually, it was in a volcano.
Owner: Say what?
Customer: Never mind. Do you have-
Owner: Oh don’t tell me, I’m keen to guess. A hairless Sphinx maybe?
Customer: Definitely not- too much of a cliché.
Owner: Then a Maine Coon should do the trick.
Customer: Too big.
Owner: A British Short Hair? I’ve got one in tabby.
Customer: No, thank you.
Owner: A Russian Blue? There’s one over there.
Customer: It looks dead to me.
Owner: No, it’s only sleeping.
Customer: On its back?
Owner: The Russian Blue prefers kippin’ on its back!
Customer: Rrrighttt….
Owner: It might be simpler if you just tell me what you’re after.
Customer: I would like a White Persian.
Owner: Then why didn’t you just say so? Look, I’ve got one here.
(He brings a beautiful White Persian up to the counter.)
Cat: Meow.
Owner: There you go!
Customer: Thank you. Have you got a bag for it?
Owner: A bag?
Customer: Yes, I’m going to Switzerland soon.
Owner: (Decides not to argue any more with this strange man.) Yeah, sure. There you go.
(The customer takes the bag and puts the cat in it.)
Cat: Meow.
Customer: Thank you.
Owner: Now, you’ll be wanting some cat food and I’ve got just the right-
Customer: I prefer to make my own arrangements, thank you.
(He leaves the shop.)
Owner: Phew, I’m glad that’s over- here, wait a minute, he didn’t pay me!
A second pet shop. The same customer enters, carrying a medium-sized bag. The owner bears an even more striking resemblance to the young Sir Michael Palin.
Owner: ‘Evening, squire.
(The customer sits a medium-sized bag at his feet.)
Customer: Good evening. I would like to purchase some small rodents.
Owner: Small rodents? What exactly would you have in mind?
Owner: Just as I say. I would like to purchase some small rodents to use as foo- er, I mean, pets. Yes, pets, definitely.
(The bag wriggles slightly.)
Owner: Well, it would be helpful if you could be a bit more specific? Would you be after some mice, perhaps?
Customer: Could be, could be mice…. (He looks at his bag.) I said MICE. (Nothing happens.) No, not mice.
Owner: How about rats?
Customer: That sounds good. Rats. (The bag gives a small wriggle.) Rats? …. No, not rats.
Owner: (By now very puzzled.) Gerbils?
Customer: Gerbils…. No, not gerbils.
Owner: Then maybe hamsters?
Customer: Hamsters?
(The bag emits a loud “meow”. The customer gives it a swift kick.)
Owner: Hey, what’s going on? Have you got something in that bag, like a cat?
Customer: What? No, of course not! What an idea!
Owner: Hmmm… all right, hamsters then?
Customer: Yes, hamsters. How many do you have?
Owner: I have about twelve- but you can’t keep them living together, you know, they’ll fight and kill each other.
Customer: That will not be a problem. And I may be back soon for more.
Owner: Rrrrighttt….
Inspired 🤣
And you can always come to me for a refund 😀
Thanks, Sir M, much appreciated.
I wish to register a complaint - I fell off my chair laughing at this - Mrs CHB said I was only stunned, though.
😂 Mission accomplished.
1964. Press conference for “Goldfinger”. A row of seats is set out behind a table on a stage. They are at present empty. The reporters are filing in and taking their places. Backstage….
Cubby: Now, is everyone clear on what they have to do?
Harry: I have to work the room, make sure the reporters ask their questions one at a time rather than all at once.
Sean: (Reluctantly.) I have to reshisht knocking the living daylightsh out of every reporter who callsh me “Mr Bond” rather than “Mr Connery”.
Cubby: That’s right, thank you Sean. Honor?
Honor: I have to refrain from giggling every time I say my character’s name.
Harry: Can we try that right now?
Honor: (Very reluctantly.) I suppose so, if we must.
Harry: Miss Blackman, what is the name of the character you are playing?
Honor: My name is Puss… Pussy Ga… (She breaks up giggling.)
Cubby: Now, please, Honor! Try a little harder!
Honor: My name is… (Takes a deep breath.) Pussy Galore.
Harry: There, see, you can do it if you try.
Cubby: And you, Gert?
Gert: Ich muss so wenig wie möglich sagen.
Cubby: I hope the man from “Der Spiegel” turns up, you can handle him.
Harry: Is that everything?
Cubby: Only one more thing- Harold, just smile and say nothing whatever they ask you.
(Harold smiles and says nothing.)
Cubby: Perfect! Let’s go!
Nikki: But Mr Broccoli! What about me?
Cubby: Now, we’ve spoken about this before, Nikki. You can’t join us.
Nikki: But… but…
Harry: Quick, everyone, let’s go!
Yesterday.
Eon HQ, underneath a mango tree. BB and MGW are taking turns staring at the paint on the wall. The door opens and a blond man bursts in.
Man: Hello, and greetings!
BB: Wha..?
MGW: Who the hell are you? What do you want?
Man: I have just quit my job. I am the answer to all of your problems!
BB: You are?
Man: Most affirmatively! You are looking for a new James Bond, or so I believe?
MGW: Yes, we are.
Man: Although my sources tell me you haven’t been looking too hard!
BB: Whatever gives you that idea?
Man: Pshaw! It is common knowledge, not of course that there is anything common about me, you know.
MGW: Wait a minute, don’t I know you…?
Man: Of course you know me. Now, let me tell you why I am the unique, the unparalleled choice to be James Bond.
BB: Yes, I think I recognise you as well You’re Bo-
Man: Yes, yes, we all know who I am.
MGW: All right, Mr John-
Bo--- John---: I shall tell you why I am the only person to impersonate, act as, or even embody James Bond. Now, what is the one thing everyone knows about James Bond?
BB: He is irresistible to women.
Bo--- Jo---: Exactly! Or even indubitably! Well, everyone is aware that I am most definitely irresistible to women!
(BB and MGW look at him skeptically.)
MGW: Really?
Bo--- Jo---: I know, I don’t understand it myself, but for some reason women just can’t seem to keep their hands off me! Ask Jennifer, or Nadine, or many many others.
BB: You know, I remember hearing about that. All right, if we concede you that point then there’s much more to being James Bond than just being irresistible to women. What other qualities have you got?
Bo--- Jo---: I have seen many of your films, you know, like “Moonraker” or “Die Another Day” (MGW and BB squirm slightly at the mention of that last one, but Bori… I mean, the man doesn’t notice and continues.) and it seems to me that one very important quality of being James Bond is the ability to speak absolute total nonsense and still have many people believing what you are saying.
MGW: And you think you have that ability?
Bo--- Jo---: My dear fellow, millions of people have been believing the utter garbage I have been speaking for years!
BB: And is there anything else? I think you may be, how can I put this delicately, just a shade too mature for the part.
Bo--- Jo---: I’m younger than Roger Moore was in “A View To A Kill”!
MGW: (Doing some quick work with a calculator.) I think that may be a lie.
Bo--- Jo---: Is it? I’ve got to the point where I can’t tell the difference between truth and lies any more.
BB: So, let me see: you’re too old for the job, you can’t tell the difference between truth and lies, and you believe that all women find you irresistible- have you thought about running for President of the USA?
Four years in…and that’s one of your best yet 🤣
Many thanks!
(an old man in Scotland helped me out with some jokes. 🙂
1963.The internet.
{@SPECTRE.instagram} SPECTRE Island - the place to go for a quick facelift!
{RosaSPECTRE@Instagram} I'm checking out (or checking ..... how do the English say?) my new recruit {Tatiana@KomeradeKulturny.com} for the planned honey trap operation.
{KomeradeKulturny@Instagram} Apparently one has to make all kinds of sacrifices when working on secondment in the KGB.
{Instagram: James007Bond} Was just looking up an old case when I got summoned to the office. Duty calls!
{Instagram: James007Bond} At work I found out I finally have a stalker! Or is it just some Russians trolling me?
{Instagram: James007Bond} Got some new luggage for the journey. I hope there won't be any problems with airport security and there's room enough for extra underwear and socks.
{Instagram: James007Bond} Have just met our local representative {kerim@StationT&A.com} . He's a family man, but I think we have a lot of interests in common.
{Instagram: James007Bond} I went for some sightseeing in the Hagia Sofia cathedral. Very impressive architecture! ....Oh, I discovered the body of a recently murdered man there too.
{@real007Bond.twitter} Who would've thought the espionage situation in Istanbul was this complicated? It's almost Byzantine!
{Instagram: James007Bond} {kerim@StationT&A.com} took me to dinner and a show.
{Instagram: James007Bond} The Gipsy camp is under attack! Thanks to my complete situational awareness of the battlefield I made sure our side won. I barely have to squeeze off a shot from the hip and and one or two enemies fall dead to the ground. 🥇
{Instagram@RedWine} it's a blast being the bodyguard of that posh bastard Bond! Without my help that cocky bastard would've been dead in the first minute of the attack.
{Instagram: James007Bond} (Post does not comply with Instagram moral guidelines)
{Instagram: James007Bond} I find my background in the Royal Navy to be useful in many situations.
{Instagram: James007Bond} Based on what I observed I decided to visit the Soviet embassy in person.
{Instagram: James007Bond} I found what I was looking for. Now {Tatiana@KomeradeKulturny.com} and I are going on the Orient Express!
{@real007Bond.twitter} We're on the train, but how on earth did the opposition learn of my secret escape plan?
{gag.order@ SPECTRE.instagram} don't you hate it when old men insist on telling you their whole life story?
Instagram: James007Bond} Murder on the Orient Express! 🕵️♂️
{Instagram: James007Bond} I love a good tussle to pass the time on train journeys!
{Instagram: James007Bond} The agent from Station Y {Instagram@RedWine} is very dependable, but i'm not keen on his wine choice.
{Instagram: James007Bond} I love a good tussle to pass the time on train journeys!
{@real007Bond.twitter} I switched from train to boat.
{Instagram: James007Bond} SPECTRE keeps finding me! if I only knew who their source is. I gave them a lecture on the dangers of oil spills at sea.
{Instagram: James007Bond} Nice hotel, though the maid service was terrible. Again, two stars on Airbnb. ⭐️⭐️
{Instagram: James007Bond} I was told SPECTRE had some revenge porn to blackmail me, but as far as I can see this surveillance film is fair and really complimentary . 😀
...and that old man is well pleased.
He should be. He does a lot of good work!
That’s very good, N24. If I knew what Instagram was I’d have enjoyed it more 😂 is it some sort of review app where people share every waking moment of their lives?
With many thanks to my beloved lady, Bride Of Barbel, who came up with the idea.
2023. The Broccoli mansion. In the dead of night, Barbara lies fast asleep in her room clutching her life-size Daniel Craig shaped teddy bear. A ghostly light appears in the centre of the room, takes shape, then moves beside the bed.
Ghost: Barbara….
BB: Zzzzz… oh yes, Daniel, come back to me….
Ghost: (Louder.) Barbara!
BB: (Awakening.) What? Who’s there?
Ghost: It is I, the ghost of-
BB: -the ghost of my father, yes. Daddy, we’ve been through all this before.
Ghost: Not this thing.
BB: We’ve been through letting James Bond die in the last movie, taking too long in between films, and giving Daniel Craig the part in the first place.
Ghost: Not to mention that excuse for a song.
BB: Yes, all right, not to mention “Another Way To Die”. What is it that you want this time?
Ghost: I have returned from my slumbers to remonstrate with you over the other projects you have been wasting your time with rather than making James Bond movies.
BB: What, do you mean those plays that I like to do?
Ghost: No, that’s all right. I mean your films, such as “The Rhythm Method”-
BB: Rhythm Section.
Ghost: Yeah, whatever. And “Film Stars Don’t Fly In Liverpool”.
(BB is too polite to correct her father’s ghost a second time.)
BB: Yes, so? What of it?
Ghost: Time spent making these that should have been spent making James Bond films! I never wasted my time like that!
BB: Oh? What about “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” then?
Ghost: That was at least by Ian Fleming! And it was a lot more successful than what you’ve been making- plus, you got to make a stage version as well.
BB: Dad, I need to spread my wings. I need to do other things than James Bond.
Ghost: Hmph. Really!
(The ghost fades away. Barbara lies awake, an idea beginning to brew in her mind.)
The next morning. Barbara and Michael are sitting down to breakfast, served to them by their flunkies Neal and Robert. They are going through the day’s newspapers.
BB: Oh, Michael, look here- it says that Ben Whishaw will be making a film called “Limonov, The Ballad Of Eddie”.
MGW: That’s good, I hope he does well. Does it say anything about Naomie?
BB: She did a TV series called “The Man Who Fell To Earth”.
MGW: Ah, like that old David Bowie movie.
BB: Yes, it’s a sequel.
MGW: And Ralph Fiennes is making a movie called “Conclave”, then after that one called “The Return”.
BB: Sounds very interesting. What about Rory Kinnear?
MGW: Apparently he’s currently doing a TV series called “The Diplomat”- he’s playing the Prime Minister.
BB: So, they’re all busy then?
MGW: Certainly seems that way.
BB: Oh dear. That will mean they are unavailable for filming a new James Bond movie at the moment, then.
MGW: That’s right.
BB: Oh, well. We’d better not make one then.
MGW: Indeed.
(Pause.)
BB: Pass the marmalade, Michael.
MGW: Certainly. Well, then after that it's time for us to go to Eon HQ.
BB: Er... Michael, I'll be going out for a while today.
MGW: What? You mean I'll have to do nothing all by myself?
BB: Take Neal and Robert with you. I'll catch up with you later.
MGW: Oh, all right then.
To be continued....
What is Barbara up to? Find out tomorrow!
The suspense! 🥺
😁
Part Two
The next day….
The Oh Cult Voodoo shop. The shelves and walls are full of stuffed snakes, preserved heads, and so forth. The attractive young lady behind the counter is on the phone as Barbara enters, which gives her time to have a look around.
Lady: (On telephone.) … Yes, I’m glad that doll and pins worked so well for you, Mr Sunak…. No, I don’t think he’ll be bothering you any more…. You’re welcome. Bye now.
(She hangs up and smiles pleasantly at BB who is looking dubiously at a display of shrunken heads on a wall.)
Lady: Something in heads?
BB: Just browsing, thank you.
Lady: Just let me know if there’s anything you need.
BB: Well, there is one thing…
Lady: Please, tell me and I’ll see if I can help.
BB: Do you have something that will keep away ghosts?
Lady: Hmm, that can sometimes be very difficult. Is it a ghost with whom you have a personal connection?
BB: Yes, it is- it’s the ghost of my father. He died nearly thirty years ago and he keeps coming back to tell me off for things that he says I have done.
Lady: Wait a moment, I think I recognise you- give me a second, it’ll come to me…. I know, you’re that James Bond lady! Barbara Cauliflower!
BB: Barbara Broccoli.
Lady: Yes, you’re the daughter of the old producer, Cubby Cauliflower.
BB: Cubby Broccoli.
Lady: Ah, potato, potahto. You’re the one who killed off James Bond in that last movie!
BB: Well, not just me, my brother-
Lady: And you okay’d that godawful song for “Quantum Of Solace”!
BB: Hey, I liked that!
Lady: And you take so long in between movies that kids have finished their school, been at university, and are now married with three kids of their own.
BB: Now, that’s just an exag-
Lady: Is this the sort of stuff that your father’s ghost has been visiting you at night to complain about?
BB: Well, yes.
Lady: Then tell me where his grave is and I’ll go lay some flowers on it. I’m not helping you keep his ghost away!
(Barbara lowers her head and slinks out of the shop.)
(Half an hour later, Barbara has found a different shop- a New Age one. The shelves and walls are covered with crystals, dreamcatchers, and that kind of thing. Behind the counter lounges a languid, louche lady draped in a poncho and with the sort of small, round glasses that John Lennon used to wear.)
Lady: Good afternoon, madam.
BB: (Cautiously.) Good afternoon.
Lady: How may I help you?
BB: I’m looking for something that will keep ghosts away while I sleep.
Lady: Do you mean ghosts in general, or one in particular?
BB: Just one.
Lady: And is this the ghost of someone you know?
BB: Yes, it’s my father.
Lady: And you don’t want to see him?
BB: That’s right.
Lady: Then may I suggest that you take this? (She displays a small box. It's made of silver and has ancient writing on the lid.) Inside it you must place something that belonged to the ghost in life- a ring perhaps- and then put the box under your pillow when you sleep.
BB: And this will definitely work?
Lady: This will deter all ghosts, phantoms, wraiths, apparitions, spirits, and visions from disturbing you in your slumbers.
BB: I’ll take it!
Lady: I must warn you, it costs-
BB: I don’t care how much it is, I’ll take it!
(Much later, back at the Broccoli mansion, Barbara lies fast asleep- tucked under her pillow is the little box in which she has placed her late father’s watch minus its bracelet. However, in the dead of night, the light appears in her room again and gradually coalesces into a ghostly form.)
Ghost: Barbara….
BB: Zzzzz…. Look Pierce, I know how you feel but we had to do it….
Ghost: (Louder.) Barbara!
BB: (Awakening.) What? Who? ….. Oh no, not again!
Ghost: Yes, again, it is I.
BB: But it can’t be! (She reaches under her pillow and produces the small box.) The lady in the shop promised me that this box would deter all ghosts, phantoms, wraiths, apparitions, spirits, and visions.
Ghost: Really, is that what she said?
BB: Yes!
Ghost: Then I am surprised at you, daughter, though sadly not for the first time . You should know that I am no ghost, phantom, wraith, apparition, spirit, or vision.
BB: So what are you then?
Ghost: Isn’t it obvious? I am a spectre……
😂😂