This is for my old friend @Higgins though I doubt if he'll remember why.
A debatable year.
Skyfall. No, the house.
Baby: Waaah!!!
Doctor: Congratulations, Mrs Bond, you have a fine healthy baby boy.
Monique: Can I… can I hold him?
Doctor: Of course. (He hands Monique the baby.) I’ll just go and get your husband.
(Goes to the door.) Mr Bond, you can come in now.
(The doctor leaves the room as an excited Andrew Bond comes in.)
Andrew: Oh, Monique, darling! (He kisses his wife.)
Monique: Look, Andrew, he’s so beautiful. (Andrew kisses the baby.)
Andrew: Kincade, come in and have a look!
(The faithful Kincade, at this age bearing a striking resemblance to Ewan McGregor, enters the room and examines the baby.)
Kincade: Aye, a fine lad, a fine lad indeed. Congratulations to ye both. Have ye thought of a name yet?
Monique: A name?
Andrew: Why, no, not yet.
Kincade: Then may I suggest ye start thinking about one?
(Kincade exits.)
Andrew: Why, all these months and we haven’t decided on what to call him. How about… Miles? Felix?
Monique: Oh no, definitely not.
Andrew: Auric? Julius?
Monique: Even worse! Maybe Sean? Roger?
Andrew: Hmmm, maybe Ian?
Monique: I like that! Keep that one in mind if we don’t come up with something else. I’m thinking… Ernst?
Andrew: Now, there’s a possibility. Ernst! Yes, that’s in with a chance.
Monique: How about James?
Andrew: Oh, I like that one too! Very much!
Monique: If only he were twins, then we could have one called James and one called Ernst.
Andrew: Well, he isn’t twins. Most definitely not. In no way.
Monique: Yes, this baby most definitely does not have a brother. (Looks straight at audience.) I could not make this any clearer.
Andrew: So, his name is-
Monique: (Looking lovingly at her baby.) Bond. James Bond.
Andrew: It’s a good name.
Monique: And most definitely not a codename. (Looks straight at audience again, while Andrew nods emphatically beside her.) Most definitely not, for the benefit of the hard of understanding.
Andrew: Shall I go prepare some milk?
Monique: Yes, please. And remember what I told you.
1989. Eon HQ, below a “Fillet Of Soul” in New York.
Cubby: Right, team, what ideas have we got?
Richard Maibaum: Well, we’ve pretty much exhausted all of the Fleming titles so we’re free to think up a new one.
John Glen: Or use one of the continuation authors’ titles, like “Licence Renewed”.
MGW: A licence would have to be revoked before it was renewed.
John: Oh, yeah, you’re right. "Licence Revoked".
MGW: How about one with Bond as a rookie agent on his first mission? Maybe how he became 007?
Cubby: Who would want to see that?
John: Maybe the bad guys want to grab hold of all the water rights in a warm country, then make them pay dearly for their water.
Richard: Water? Bit of a comedown after all the missions Bond has been on. I’m thinking of a revenge plot- the bad guys kill someone close to Bond, so he goes on a personal revenge mission.
John: Like M or Q?
BB: How about the bad guy spends the whole movie trying to kill M, and at the end he succeeds and gets her?
Cubby: Her??!
BB: Er, sorry, Dad, just thinking ahead.
MGW: How about bringing back one of the old villains?
Cubby: Old villains?
BB: Yes, like maybe Dr No.
MGW: Or Goldfinger’s brother- you know, Richard, like you originally thought of for “Diamonds Are Forever”.
Richard: Well, I don’t know, we did think of that, then as you know we replaced him with Blofeld.
BB: Well, Blofeld could have a brother-
MGW: And we could decide that he’s-
BB/MGW: (Together.) James Bond’s brother!
Cubby: (Looks at them incredulously.) That’s the dumbest idea I ever heard of.
(A slow grinding sound can be heard from outside.)
BB: That’s scary- what is that?
Richard: Oh, you’ll get used to it. Cubby and I have heard it many times.
Cubby: It’s just Ian Fleming rolling in his grave.
1954. Goldeneye, Jamaica. Ian Fleming is enjoying his lunch.
Housekeeper: Mr Fleming, phone call for you.
Ian: (Putting down his vodka martini.) Thank you, Violet. (Walks to phone.) Hello?
Ivar: (On phone.) Ian, hello, it’s Ivar.
Ian: Ivar, old boy! How are you?
Ivar: Oh fine, fine. Listen, you told me to call you when they screened that TV adaptation of “Casino Royale”, remember?
Ian: Oh yes, you’re quite right. You’ve seen it?
Ivar: Yes, I watched it last night.
Ian: And how was it?
(Long pause.)
Ian: Ivar? Are you still there?
Ivar: Yes, I’m here.
Ian: So, I asked how was it.
Ivar: Well… Peter Lorre was pretty good as Le Chiffre.
Ian: I would expect no less, Peter Lorre is good in everything. And?
Ivar: Well… the casino set wasn’t too bad.
Ian: Ivar, you need to tell me more than that! How was the actor playing Bond? How did he sound saying “Bond. James Bond” for example?
Ivar: I wouldn’t know, he doesn’t say that.
Ian: Come again?
Ivar: He doesn’t say that, mainly because he’s not called that.
Ian: I’m sorry, this must be a bad line. I thought you just said he’s not called James Bond.
Ivar: That’s what I said. He’s called Jimmy Bond, or to be more exact “Card Sense Jimmy Bond”.
(Strange choking sounds are heard on the line.)
Ivar: Ian? Are you all right?
Ian: (Incredulously.) Jimmy Bond? Card Sense Jimmy Bond????
Ivar: That’s it. Oh, he is called “James” once or twice, I think.
Ian: Card Sense Jimmy Bond????
Ivar: Yes, that’s what they-
Ian: Card Sense Jimmy Bond????
Ivar: Calm down, Ian, calm down.
Ian: (Taking deep breaths.) All right, I’ve calmed down a bit.
Ivar: The actor’s called Barry Nelson, and he’s not too bad. Well, American of course, and-
Ian: They made James Bond an American?
Ivar: Well, actually they made Card Sense Jimmy Bond an American, but I see your point.
Ian: (Sarcastically.) And I bet they made Felix Leiter British, then?
Ivar: Why, yes, how did you guess?
Ian: Call it a wild stab in the dark.
Ivar: And of course they call him Clarence Leiter-
Ian: Cla-
Ivar: Ian, stop right now, think of your blood pressure. Take a few deep breaths…. Ok? Take a sip of your Vesper martini, I know you’ve got one to hand.
Ian: Oh, tell me they have him order a Vesper? Please tell me that’s there!
Ivar: Well, no. Mainly, I suppose, because she’s not called “Vesper”.
Ian: I’m beginning to see the way this is heading. I wonder why they bought the rights to my book at all when they’re changing so much it would have been easier to do an original story in the first place. All right, hit me- what’s she called?
Ivar: Valerie.
Ian: That’s not too bad, at least it begins with the same letter. Ok, I can take whatever else they’ve done, I suppose. Tell me about Mathis, is he any good?
Ivar: Oh, she’s Mathis.
Ian: What?????
Ivar: She’s Mathis- Valerie Mathis.
(Those strange sounds are heard down the line again.)
Ivar: Ian, are you all right?
Ian: Every time I think… oh, never mind.
Ivar: They had to change the torture scene, of course.
Ian: Well, that I can understand. I don’t see them being able to show the TV audience Bond having his balls smashed with a carpet beater. What do they do, then?
Ivar: They pull his toenails out with pliers.
Ian: I can live with that. Anything else?
Ivar: I’m sure there’s more, but I think I’ve told you enough for the moment.
Ian: (Sighs.) Well, there’s one consolation- I know this is the worst possible adaptation of my book “Casino Royale” there could ever be.
Entire body of text disappeared from this post when I tried to edit. Re-posted below. Content reappeared here some time later, making this a double post. My response:
Always have an escape plan. Mine is watching James Bond films.
Bond: "I better grab this revolver since that big lug back there bent my PPK."
Strutter: "Drop it!"
Bond: "I better drop this revolver since that big lug just there also has a PPK."
Strutter *walking towards Bond*: "Now,"
Bond: "Huh? Oh wait, you wanted me to drop it now? Damn, I was a bit premature. Can we try that again?"
Stromberg and hygiene
Naomi: "Oh, by the way, Mr Stromberg prefers not to shake hands. It's the third button."
Sterling: "Because the third button is notorious for harbouring the most bacteria. Very wise of Mr Stromberg."
Later...
Sterling: "An extraordinary number of germs colonizing your elevator."
Stromberg: "You recognise that variety, of course." *points to filthy elevator button*
Sterling: "Of course. Staphylococcus aureus. Fingers avoid it. Those colonies are laden with golden, grape-like clusters. Deadly, and not even handsome."
Stromberg: "I see you know your elevator germs, Mr Sterling."
Later...
Stromberg: "Were they the two from the health inspection office?"
Jaws: *nods*
Stromberg: "Let them get ashore...and then kill them."
Always have an escape plan. Mine is watching James Bond films.
Cubby: Ok, I’d like to thank everyone for being here and now if there are any questions…?
1st Reporter: Hello, everyone knows that Kevin McClory is making a rival James Bond film at the same time as yours. Are you worried about this, Mr Broccoli?
Cubby: No, not at all.
1st Reporter: Can I ask why not?
Cubby: I’ve seen their script.
2nd Reporter: And what was your reaction?
Cubby: I couldn’t stop laughing for three days.
2nd Reporter: Mr Wilson, is that true?
MGW: No, not at all- it was more like four days.
3rd Reporter: Mr Moore, how does it feel being back as James Bond again and will you be doing all of your own stunts?
Roger: It feels wonderful of course, and I shall be doing just as many of my own stunts as ever.
3rd Reporter: Miss Adams, is it true that you are the first actress to return to a James Bond film?
Maud: Why, yes, I believe it is true.
(Over to the side, Lois Maxwell rolls her eyes and decides to call Martine Beswick later- if she’s not too busy talking with Eunice Gayson.)
4th Reporter: And is this a completely different part from the one that you played in “The Man With The Golden Gun”?
Maud: Oh, yes, completely different. Here, I am a woman in SE Asia in league with the main villain, played by an actor with a long career who’s played Dracula, who changes sides and teams up with James Bond. So not similar at all.
5th Reporter: Mr Glen, how is this film going to differ from your previous Bond film?
John: Well, this time we are going to be a bit lighter in tone. “For Your Eyes Only” was basically a serious movie, and this time we’re going to play up the humour a bit more. Don’t worry, though, we won’t be making James Bond a clown.
Well, here's another which was selected by your good self and written by @Charmed & Dangerous (sadly missing in action).
Tokyo, 1967.
Doorman: Comrade Henderson, preev-yet!
Henderson: Good evening Boris, I'm well, thanks. And how are things at the Embassy?
Doorman: Good, senk you, Comrade.
Henderson: Good, good. Umm, I don't suppose you....
Doorman: Da! The Vodka. Fourteen bottles! It is not as good as Stolichnaya, buliatch! these people do not know their potato from their grain, but it is ok.
Henderson: Excellent, excellent. And umm....
Doorman: Da?
Henderson: (Embarrassed.) The umm, magazines...?
Doorman: Oh, Da! "Chechen Chicks vis ze Vladivos-diks!"
Henderson: (Even more embarrassed.) Shhh!
Doorman: Sorry, Comrade. Umm, zis is a lot of vodka and a lot of porn. You sure you got enough room for storage in zere? (He reaches forward and taps Henderson's left leg with the barrel of his Kalashnikov.)
Henderson: Oww! Wrong leg, you fool. Right idea, but...
Doorman: "...Wrong pussy", I senk is ze title of ze other magazines, da?
Henderson: Shh! They will have to wait. I'm leaving tonight for Las Vegas, to see a man about a mud bath.
Doorman: Dasveedanya! So long! And don't forget, ze vodka must be stirred, not shaken, da?
Doctor: Well, it’s time for your annual check-up…. Again. (Drawing a thick casefile towards him.) Ah yes, Mr Bond. You have been with the Secret Service for a long time. (He examines some dates, does a double take, puts on his glasses and reads again.) A very long time.
Bond: That’s true.
Doctor: (He reads some of the file.) In fact, some of these previous doctors have retired.
Bond: Indeed?
Doctor: (Shaking his head to clear it.) Anyway, you have had a long list of injuries. Please take off everything except your pants and stand over there.
Bond: Certainly.
(He does so. The doctor examines him.)
Doctor: Now… it would seem that the ligature mark around your neck has fully healed.
Bond: Ah, that’s good.
Doctor: Not surprising, really, since it happened in 1963. How old would you have been then, Mr Bond?
Bond: Oh, maybe early 30s.
Doctor: (Reading.) And various cuts and bruises from falling or being pushed onto gold bricks the next year… Ah, a bullet wound in your right leg in 1965. Let me just see… ah, that appears to have completely healed up remarkably quickly.
Bond: Glad to hear it.
Doctor: Now, some knife cuts to your forearm in 1973… Long healed up. How old would you have been then, Mr Bond?
Bond: Oh, mid-30s I think.
Doctor: Right… Now, marks from large steel teeth in 1977.
Bond: Yes, that would be right.
Doctor: And again in 1979. Let’s just have a look… Almost gone.
Bond: Excellent.
Doctor: (Skipping a few pages.) Pulled muscles in 1985?
Bond: Ah yes, that would be from holding a rope beneath an airship.
Doctor: (Raising an eyebrow.) I see. Well, those appear to have cleared up remarkably quickly. Now… burns, cuts and bruises in 1989?
Bond: I, er, fell from a petrol tanker.
Doctor: The burns?
Bond: It was on fire at the time.
Doctor: Right… well, those too appear to have cleared up remarkably quickly. Now… a shoulder injury in 1999- dislocated collarbone, snapped tendons.
That must have put you out of duty for a while… Oh, I see that it didn’t. A Dr Warmflash passed you as fit for duty. Noted you have exceptional stamina.
Bond: I’m sure she was touched by my dedication to the job in hand.
Doctor: And how old were you then, Mr Bond?
Bond: Oh, mid-30s I think.
Doctor: Right…. Now, it seems you were severely injured in 2006. “Battered and bruised testicles”, I’m reading.
Bond: Yes, but I recovered-
Doctor: (Reading.)- “remarkably quickly”, yes. I’m beginning to see a pattern here. Now, let’s see…. (Skips a few pages.) It would seem that in 2021 you were shot several times, infected with a biological weapon, and blown to pieces by incoming missiles.
Bond: You mustn’t believe everything you read, Doctor. I recovered remarkably quickly. Can I go now?
Doctor: I’d put on my clothes first if I were you, Mr Bond. I’d like to keep my secretary for the time being.
2008. Eon HQ. Michael G. Wilson & Barbara Broccoli are politely listening to David Arnold.
David: … so I wrote this tune, you’re really going to like it, and I’ve used bits of it in the score. Then I got Don Black to write the lyrics- they’re really good, and he managed to fit the word “solace” in! Then I thought, well I’ve got to go all out here so I asked- you’ll never believe it- Shirley Bassey to sing it!
BB: Er, David-
David: Yes, Shirley Bassey herself! And guess what? She said yes! I mean, I’ve got the real Shirley Bassey, the real James Bond singing person, Dame Shirley herself singing this great song that Don and I wrote!
David: I never thought she would agree! I mean, I was so pleased that Don agreed to work with me, makes it even more like I’m filling John Barry’s shoes, but Shirley-
BB: David-
David: - and she said it was a great song and she was delighted to be singing it, I mean, I’d never have even thought that-
MGW: DAVID!!!!
David: Oh yes, sorry, Barbara and Michael, what did you want to say?
BB: Well, we’ve asked Jack White if he could come up with something for the main titles.
David: Jack White? But I’ve got this-
MGW: Here, David, put these earphones on. Right, now take a listen…
(Three and a half minutes later.)
MGW: David? David?
BB: What do you think’s wrong?
MGW: I don’t know. He was listening to Jack White’s song for about ten seconds before he got that glazed look in his eyes. Then he sort of shook all over before freezing into that unnatural position. It may be shock.
BB: Do you think he’ll ever move again?
MGW: Well, I hope so. He’s a talented composer who’s a definite benefit to the Bond series. We wouldn’t want to have to replace him for the next film or two with someone derivative and repetitive, even if the director says so.
BB: Do you think we should play him the Jack White song again?
(David leaps up from his chair and runs screaming from the room.)
1970. The College Of Arms, London. Sir Hilary Bray sits at his desk, happily comparing the brass rubbings he made in Northern France at the end of the year before. There is a knock on the door, and his secretary enters.
Sir Hilary: Yes?
Secretary: A young lady to see you, Sir Hilary.
Sir Hilary: Young lady?
Secretary: Yes, sir. A Miss Bartlett. She does have an appointment.
Sir Hilary: Oh very well, show her in.
(The secretary shows in an attractive young lady.)
Sir Hilary: Now, then, what can I-
Miss Bartlett: Hilly!
(She runs across the room then stops in front of his desk, now that she can have a closer look. She appears confused.)
Sir Hilary: I don’t understand, what is it-
Miss Bartlett: Where’s Hilly?
Sir Hilary: Er, Hilly?
Miss Bartlett: Sir Hilary Bray! I must see him, at once!
Sir Hilary: My dear madam, I am Sir Hilary Bray. Now, what is it that-
Miss Bartlett: You’re not Sir Hilary! Where is he?
(She begins to look around, opening doors, moving curtains, etc.)
Sir Hilary: I most certainly am Sir Hilary Bray!
Miss Bartlett: Well, you sound like him, I’ll give you that, but you do not look like him- not a thing like him!
Sir Hilary: What makes you think that I am not Sir Hilary?
Miss Bartlett: Because I met you- I mean him- in Switzerland last year.
Sir Hilary: (Now he understands.) Ah, er, Switzerland, you say?
Miss Bartlett: Yes, in a clinic on top of a mountain. We became, ah, very friendly.
Sir Hilary: (Knowing he can’t give anything away.) A clinic, you say?
Miss Bartlett: Yes, I was there to be cured of my allergy. I used to hate chicken- used to make me break out. It was all over. You’d be surprised where.
Sir Hilary: And you’re cured from this now, Miss Bartlett?
Miss Bartlett: Call me Ruby.
Sir Hilary: Yes, of course, Ruby.
Ruby: Oh, completely cured. My family’s got a chicken farm and every time I did something on it I nearly died. (A faraway look comes into her eyes, and her voice becomes robotic.) But that is all over now. I love chickens. I love their flesh, their voice.
Sir Hilary: Ruby?
Ruby: (Coming back to normal.) Oh yes, sorry.
Sir Hilary: Perhaps you could make enquiries at this clinic you mention?
Ruby: I tried! But it’s not there any more- it blew up!
Sir Hilary: Blew up? (He knows perfectly well who was behind that.) That’s terrible!
Ruby: So you see, this is the only place I could go! I have to find him- I have to find him quickly!
Sir Hilary: How quickly?
Ruby: I’ve only got a few months.
Sir Hilary: What? You’re going to die?
Ruby: No, of course not. I mean I’ve only got a few months before… you know… (She pats her abdomen.)
Sir Hilary: Oh! Yes, I see. But I’m afraid I cannot help you, Miss Ba- er, Ruby. As you can see, I am not the man you met on top of a mountain in Switzerland.
Ruby: (Dismayed.) Yes, I know. Well, thanks anyway. (She turns to go then a thought strikes her.) Sir Hilary?
Sir Hilary: Yes, my dear?
Ruby: If it's a boy, do you mind if I name him "Hilary"?
Sir Hilary: No, no, of course not. What if it's a girl?
Ruby: Oh, I'll still name her Hilary.
(She walks to the door sadly and leaves. After a discreet interval, the secretary knocks and enters again.)
Secretary: There’s another young lady who wants to see you, Sir Hilary.
Sir Hilary: Nine o’clock.
Secretary: (Raising an eyebrow at this uncharacteristic behaviour.) And then another.
Sir Hilary: Ten? Oh well, back to work- you have no idea how it’s piling up.
Cubby: Nope. I offered him half the GDP of a medium-sized country, an Aston Martin DB5, and a delicatessen in stainless steel but he still said “never again”.
Guy: So, it’s Roger Moore then.
Cubby: It’s Roger Moore.
Harry: Well, we better get on with it. Tom, what are your thoughts?
Cubby: And don’t make it like “Dr No”, this being Roger’s first.
Tom: Well, I thought we shouldn’t see Bond straight away but start with the deaths of British agents. M briefs Bond, very early in the morning, to find out what happened to the agents. We see Bond in his apartment with a beautiful lady. He arrives at an airport where he’s picked up by a driver who dies soon afterwards. He’s facing off against the ruler of a mysterious Caribbean island who uses the title “Dr” and keeps the superstitious natives away by arousing their fears. Bond will be attacked in his hotel room by a scary creature, placed there by a henchman, but will kill it. A beautiful woman will try to lure him into a trap, but he’s wise to her. He still sleeps with her, though. He’ll be aided by Felix Leiter, of course, and local fisherman Quarrel, and we should see them in a small boat together. An important villain has a metal hand, or hands. And we should film in Jamaica.
1979. Eon HQ. Hidden under guano on a Caribbean island.
Cubby: Well, Lewis, I think we can all agree that “The Spy Who Loved Me” was a great success and you did a wonderful job as director.
Lewis Gilbert: Thanks, Cubby.
Cubby: So, obviously we’d like to ask you back to direct the next one, “Moonraker”.
Lewis: I’d be delighted.
Cubby: Any thoughts, Lewis?
Lewis: Well, my first thought is that I’d like to not just do “The Spy Who Loved Me” all over again.
Cubby: Christopher, what have you got?
Christopher Wood: I’m thinking that the villain is going to steal a vessel belonging to the West.
MGW: Is that how we’re going to open the movie?
Christopher: Yes, then we meet Bond, who is of course with a beautiful woman-
Cubby: Is she part of a plot to kill him?
Christopher: Why, yes. Of course he survives, falling from a great height but saved by a parachute. Soon we meet the villain, who’s a billionaire businessman. Early on, he uses vicious animals to kill off a beautiful female employee.
Cubby: Ah, but does he try to kill Bond?
Christopher: Naturally, he has henchmen who try to do just that. One of them is Jaws, who always fails to kill James and survives certain death while doing so.
MGW: What about a car chase that ends up in the water when the car becomes a submarine?
Christopher: No, no, we have something completely different here- a boat chase that ends up on land when the boat becomes a hovercraft.
Lewis: And what is the villain’s plan?
Christopher: He wants to wipe out all life on Earth and then start again according to his ideals.
Lewis: I see.
Christopher: Bond and the main lady get into the villain’s base, which must be really spectacular.
Cubby: Ken Adam?
Christopher: Oh yes, it has to be Ken. Really huge base with all sorts of gadgets-
Cubby/MGW/Lewis: (All together.) And a monorail!
Christopher: ….ah, no. No monorail.
MGW: Oh, dear. Ken will be disappointed.
Christopher: James arranges for help and we have a gigantic pitched battle. Just in time he destroys the villain’s craft, before disaster is caused. And we finish with Bond and the leading lady making out before being interrupted by M & co.
Lewis: So, not like “The Spy Who Loved Me” at all, then?
Cubby Broccoli: Ah, Richard. Do come in and sit down.
Richard Maibaum: Thanks.
Cubby Broccoli: So what ideas have you brought along for the next Bond film?
Richard Maibaum: Well, I was thinking we needed to go down a more serious route. Get back to the gritty realism of the early Connerys. We ought to do something in the style of From Russia With Love…
Cubby Broccoli: That sounds great. But whatever you come up with has to be fresh and exciting, understand? We can’t just copy an earlier film and hope nobody notices…
Richard Maibaum: (Hastily.) Ah, yes. Absolutely. I agree.
Cubby Broccoli: So what’s the story for “Bond 12”, then?
Richard Maibaum: Well, we start by reminding the audience of a Bond girl from a previous film, before Bond is called away for his mission…
Cubby Broccoli: OK…
Richard Maibaum: 007 is sent to recover a secret codebreaking device…
Cubby Broccoli: Go on…
Richard Maibaum: One of the villains, whose surname must start with the letter “K”, works for the KGB, and is often seen on a boat…
Cubby Broccoli: Yeah…
Richard Maibaum: Another villain is Blofeld…
Cubby Broccoli: *Cough* Who??
Richard Maibaum: Don’t worry about it, Cubby…
Cubby Broccoli: OK, keep talking…
Richard Maibaum: There’s a flamboyant ally, of course, with his own band of henchmen, and an impressive moustache. We have Bond’s local MI6 contact on the ground, who dies. At the end the main Bond girl shoots dead the KGB villain, while Bond gets involved in a fight with a big blond henchman. This henchman’s also trained by the KGB, by the way…
Cubby Broccoli: Brilliant! That’s nothing like From Russia With Love at all, is it?
Richard Maibaum: Of course not, Cubby.
Cubby Broccoli: Good. I’ll call up John Glen and tell him to get here on Monday morning, alright?
Richard Maibaum: That’s fine by me.
Cubby Broccoli: Terrific work, Richard. Care for a drink?
Nobody requested this one. However (and I know I shouldn't say this) this one made me laugh while I was writing it so here it is again.
1973. Langley, USA. Director’s Office. Felix Leiter enters.
Felix: You wanted to see me, chief?
Director: Yes, come in Felix, take a seat.
Felix: (Sitting down.) What’s happening?
Director: You’ve heard of San Monique, I suppose?
Felix: Sure I have, it’s in the Caribbean. Doesn’t resemble Jamaica in the slightest, from what I hear. Most definitely not, in any way at all.
Director: Yeah, that’s it. The island that most surely is not Jamaica and any resemblance is completely coincidental. Their Prime Minister is one Dr Kananga, who’s in New York right now attending the United Nations.
Felix: And…?
Director: Three agents have been killed in the last 24 hours- all Brits, though one was on loan to us. One was on San Monique, one in New York keeping an eye on Dr Kananga, and one in New Orleans- that was the one on loan to us.
Felix: So you want me to go to San Monique and see what I can find?
Director: Only if necessary. First I want you to go to New York and observe this Dr Kananga.
Felix: Sure, chief, I’ll get on it right away.
Director: Oh, and the Brits will be sending a man over to work with you. It was a bad line so I didn’t get the name right- sounded like James Pond or James Bong or something like that…. What’s up, Felix?
Felix: (All the blood drains from his face.) You mean James Bond?
Director: Yes, that’s it! I think you two have met before?
Felix: Damn right we’ve met before! It’s always the same! I do all the hard work and he takes all the credit!
Director: Now, Felix-
Felix: You remember that time I stopped Fort Knox from being flattened by a nuclear bomb? Did I get invited to meet the President, with liquor for three on board the plane? Did I hell! He gets all that! And a beautiful girl too!
Director: But Felix-
Felix: Then I rescued Miami from being blown up the next year and again he gets all the credit! And another beautiful girl too!
Director: Look, Felix-
Felix: Then only a year or two ago I saved Washington DC from being zapped by a laser beam from outer space. Do I get any thanks? No, he gets all the credit and a ride on a luxury liner with a beautiful girl!
Director: I think I’m beginning to see a pattern here, but Felix that doesn’t change anything. I’m sending you to New York, and you will work with this James Bond character and you will like it, do you understand?
Felix: (Reluctantly.) Yes sir, I understand. Another two hours twenty minutes of me saying “Yes, James” and “No, James” and “Are you sure, James?”
Director: That’s it.
Felix: Well, I’ll do it. It’s not as if it’ll cost me an arm and a leg.
1969. Eon HQ. Inside a harmless-looking factory in Switzerland. “Herschel-Albert Enterprises AG” is on the sign.
Harry: So, Peter, you’ve worked for us before and now we’d like to know your thoughts for our next James Bond movie, which you’re going to direct.
Peter Hunt: Well, we’re going to introduce a new, younger, Bond and I think we should take this opportunity to shake things up a bit.
Cubby: What sort of things?
Peter: Your last film was borderline science-fiction with several hard-to-believe sequences and plot points. I want to move away from all that. As few gadgets as possible, for example.
Cubby: No scene where Q hands out the gadgets which Bond will later use to escape from improbable situations?
Peter: No, none of that. And no super strong, apparently unbeatable henchman who Bond defeats towards the end.
Cubby: (Disappointed.) Oh.
Harry: But the last film was enormously successful.
Peter: And if you keep repeating that you’re going to hit the law of diminishing returns. I want to make this a more-or-less believable story, take things back down to Earth. Your last film had almost no Fleming content- this one should be pretty close to the book.
Cubby: But the book has a tragic ending.
Peter: Usually James has a flirtatious relationship with the leading lady. I want him to have a serious, human, romantic relationship with her.
Harry: Normally we end with her saying “Oh, James” as the credits start to roll.
Peter: Exactly, so when she dies it will have a huge impact on the audience.
2006. Eon HQ. On an island in India populated exclusively by women. Well, almost exclusively.
MGW: So, Martin, you’ve worked for us before and now we’d like to know your thoughts for our next James Bond movie, which you’re going to direct.
Martin Campbell: Well, we’re going to introduce a new, younger, Bond and I think we should take this opportunity to shake things up a bit.
BB: What sort of things?
Martin: Your last film was borderline science-fiction with several hard-to-believe sequences and plot points. I want to move away from all that. As few gadgets as possible, for example.
MGW: No scene where Q hands out the gadgets which Bond will later use to escape from improbable situations?
Martin: No, none of that. And no super strong, apparently unbeatable henchman who Bond defeats towards the end.
BB: (Disappointed.) Oh.
MGW: But the last film was enormously successful.
Martin: And if you keep repeating that you’re going to hit the law of diminishing returns. I want to make this a more-or-less believable story, take things back down to Earth. Your last film had almost no Fleming content- this one should be pretty close to the book.
BB: But the book has a tragic ending.
Martin: Usually James has a flirtatious relationship with the leading lady. I want him to have a serious, human, romantic relationship with her.
MGW: Normally we end with her saying “Oh, James” as the credits start to roll.
Martin: Exactly, so when she dies it will have a huge impact on the audience.
Pick a year. Casting for the new Bond film is revealed to the press.
1st Reporter: How does it feel to be the new Bond girl, Unnamed Actress?
Actress: Well, you know, we don’t say “Bond girl” any more.
1st Reporter: Oh yes, of course.
Actress: I’m very pleased to be here, this is an exciting script and I’m very happy to be playing opposite Unnamed Actor as James Bond.
2nd Reporter: You’re just a shade younger than Unnamed Actor, since you’re 23 and he’s 67. Do you see this as a problem?
Actress: Oh no, I think we look terrific together.
2nd Reporter: Can you tell us anything about your part?
Actress: It isn’t the same as all those other Bond gir… er, leading ladies in the past dressed in revealing outfits. Time has moved on since then. She’s much more Bond’s equal.
3rd Reporter: Bond’s equal? We haven’t heard that before. (Looks casually at the other reporters.)
Actress: Yes, she’s a new type of woman. She isn’t just there so Bond can save her from the bad guy and kiss her at the end of the movie.
(Six months later.)
Actress: (In bikini, tied to unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.) James! James! Help me! Save me!
Bond: But of course.
(Unnamed Actor’s stunt double leaps on a rope, grabs Unnamed Actress, and shoots the villain.)
My good friend, and Our esteemed leader, Barbel, is away drinking visiting at the many distilleries local to him and he has asked me to step in and take over the thread for a couple of days whilst he is enjoying the splendours of Scotland. The choice is left to me and I’m choosing this one from Charmed & Dangerous…
2012. Savile Row.
Inside one of Savile Row’s most iconic tailors, a phone rings.
Tailor (picking up the phone) Savile Row. Ah hello Mr Bond, how are you? ... That would be fine, I look forward to.... What's that..... (he turns visibly pale)... but … but…. Yes, Mr Bond. (He puts down the phone). Oh no.
Assistant: What’s up?
Tailor: He’s coming here again today. For another fitting.
Assistant: Mr Bond? Surely you should be happy - he’s one of our best customers!
Tailor: You don’t understand. It started out innocently enough, with a request for a perfectly-fitted Prince of Wales check suit with slightly reinforced pockets for a gunmetal cigarette case and an oxidised Ronson lighter. Then it progressed to suits with pockets for a variety of car keys, a larger-than-usual wallet to hold everything from his Playboy Club membership to lock picks disguised as a credit card; and pens of every size and type, from bullet-firing to listening devices to grenades.
Assistant: A challenge yes, but surely not too much for a master tailor such as yourself?
Tailor: If it was just those, I would have relished the challenge. But in the past few years, I’ve had to include secret pockets to house whistle-activated keyrings, GPS encoders, multiple spy cameras and safe-cracking devices, fake fingerprints, rebreathers, steel-toothed finger-traps, lradioactive lint, bug sweepers, five different types of binoculars, ten different types of mobile phone, twenty different types of sunglasses, trousers with heavy-duty belt loops for a piton-firing belt, and room for concealed holsters of all shapes and sizes, from Berettas to Walthers, even piton guns and a shark-repellent pistol. I even had to make him a wetsuit with room for a miniature flare gun, a homing pill, several rebreathers, and a fake seagull!
Assistant: Unbelievable!
Tailor: Last week I even had his bootmaker on the phone, asking if I could help with hollowing out the heel of his shoes. And now this!
Assistant (aghast): What?!
Tailor: He says he wants his suits to fit “a little more tightly”…
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
My next choice is from Gymkata. Barbel will be back in charge of this thead tomorrow (laden with bottles of single malt)
Lairs Incorporated, this is Pradeep speaking. How can I direct your call?'
'Can you repeat that, please?'
'Who?'
'Yes?'
'No?'
'Oh, I get it. N-O.'
'Yes?'
'Hahahah, yeah I bet you DO get that a lot.'
'Sure, one second.'
('Maynard, grab line 4 please. His name is Dr. No. N-O. Yes, 'No'. No, not 'Yes...'No'. Right, line 4.')
'This is Maynard speaking. Did I understand that your name is 'No?'
'Yes?'
'OK, got it. What can we do for you today, Dr.?'
'Sure, we have experience with reactors.'
'Yes, nuclear.'
'Yes. What do you have in mind?'
'Well...I suppose we could do that, but wouldn't that be unsafe?'
'Well, I mean...having an exposed core like that where you're all in the same room. It really doesn't make sense.'
'Right. Typically, there's a lot of shielding between the reactor technicians and the core.'
'Right, and I mean...it's like you're talking about a studio apartment version of a nuclear reactor. In principle, we could do it, but is it really a good idea?'
'Well, it's your money.'
'Sure, we could take care of protective outfits as well.'
'Sure, I can get you our fax number. It's also in your information packet in the contact section....'
'Yes.'
'OK, now what do you have in mind?'
'Well...yes, we could do that, but I don't think those offer the right amount of protection that you're looking for.'
'Oh I agree, they'd look cool, I just don't think that they'd offer you enough protection from an exposed nuclear core.'
'Well, it's your money.'
'Anything else?'
'Absolutely we can do a decontamination area. What do...?'
'Well, yes.'
'Showers are appropriate, right...but you also need...'
'I'm pretty sure there's more that you'll need there, Dr.'
'Sure, we can install mirrors above the showers. It's an odd request, though.'
'Oh, hahaha...I get it. You're a naughty boy, Dr.!'
'Yep, just reference your informational packet for those charges.'
'Very good.'
'No, we can even take care of the nuclear material. We have a source in Leningrad for that.'
'Yes.'
'Very good, we'll get our drafters working on that now.'
'Yep, just fax us your designs on the outfits and we'll see what we can do with them.'
'Yep, silver is not a problem.'
'Agreed, it would be very sci-fi.'
'OK, sounds like a plan!'
'Hahaha, right...it's pretty easy to say 'yes' to 'no'....especially once the check clears.'
'You too. Bye!'
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
Well, I'm back from my little break and firstly a big thank you to @CoolHandBond for keeping the thread open while I was away. A couple of good picks there and especially a big thank you for including one of the "Pradeep" Conversations by @Gymkata - I had been meaning to include at least one of those before this month of re-runs was over so I was glad to see that!
Today I've selected one which I believe was by the one and only @Thunderpussy - though it's possible I worked on it as well (I have a copy in my files), but I'm not running back through over 90 pages to find out! TP, if you're reading this please advise.
2015. M’s office.
Miss Moneypenny: (On intercom.) Q here to see you, sir.
M: Send him in.
(Q enters.)
M: Any sign of 007, Q?
Q: Still nothing sir, but we did find where he’d abandoned the DB5.
M: Oh?
Q: There were one or two items left in it….
M: Might give us a clue as to where he's gone to ground. Go on, read the list.
Q: One empty bottle of blond hair dye.
M: His or hers?
Q: Hard to tell.
M: Well, as long as the collars and cuffs match.
Q: One Nectar card, one wrist-slashing knife-
M: Well, I’m glad he left that behind.
Q: One baby’s nappy and a pram.
M: Hmmm...
Q: ....and one pair of elevator shoes. Gents, size 9.
M: It’s definitely him then.
Q: Shall I alert the teams to go find him, sir?
M: It might take them some time- I’m thinking five years or more. Perhaps I should start interviewing for a replacement...
1956. Orson Welles directs “Moonraker”, starring Dirk Bogarde as James Bond
Welles himself as Sir Hugo Drax
Peter Lorre as Krebs
Bogarde: My name is Bond, James Bond.
Welles: Very good, Dirk, very good. Now, in the next scene you find Krebs going through your papers and you kick him very hard sending him flying into the wall.
Lorre: Ow, sounds painful.
Bogarde: Don’t worry, Peter, I’ll only pretend.
Lorre: Yes, that’s what Humphrey Bogart said before punching me in “The Maltese Falcon” and I was bruised for a week.
Welles: Quiet, boys, of course Dirk will only pretend. I’ll have the camera pointing towards Peter’s head so we won’t see Dirk’s foot connecting.
Lorre: Well, if you say so….
Bogarde: Speaking of only pretending, Orson, how are we going to do the scene where Gala and I are beneath the Moonraker as it takes off?
Welles: I have that in hand, Dirk.
Bogarde: Good. We don’t want to be burned up for real!
Welles: No, no, that would be ridiculous- we’re not being ridiculous here! Now, you rehearse that scene again while I go and see about a gondola and a pigeon.
Bogarde: Say what…?
(But Welles has gone. Bogarde does a double take.)
1956. Pinewood Studios, set of Orson Welles’ sadly mythical version of “Moonraker”. Welles is directing Dirk Bogarde, who is sitting in a gondola against a painted background of Venice.
Welles: Lean in a little more, Dirk.
(Bogarde leans forward as two burly stagehands shake the gondola, to simulate movement on water.)
Bogarde: Are you sure this will look okay, Orson?
Welles: It’ll look just fine, don’t worry. I’ll be intercutting this with the real gondola we shot in the real Venice.
Bogarde: Yes, well… if you say so.
1st Stagehand: Is it all right if we take a break now, Mr Welles?
Welles: Yes, of course. Take five minutes, everyone.
(The Stagehands gratefully put the gondola down. Bogarde walks over to Welles.)
Bogarde: I need some inspiration for this scene. I need to know what my character- what was his name again? James Pond or something like that.
Welles: Bond. James Bond.
Bogarde: Yes, thank you. I need to know what he’s feeling in this gondola.
Welles: Feeling? He’s feeling grateful he isn’t in one of those “Doctor In The House” movies which he could quickly find himself in again if he isn’t careful.
Bogarde: Point taken. Shall we start back to work again, then?
Welles: I think so. (Louder.) Places everyone, back to work.
(The 2nd Stagehand approaches Welles. He is tall and strong-looking, with thinning black hair.)
2nd Stagehand: Er, excushe me?
Welles: Yes, what is it?
2nd Stagehand: Mishter Wellesh, ish it okay if we have jusht another five minutesh? I mean, rocking thish gondola ishn’t eashy, you know.
Welles: Fair enough, another five minutes.
2nd Stagehand: Ah, thank you Mr Wellesh.
Welles: Now, where did I put that pigeon….?
2nd Stagehand: Pigeon? You’re the villain, you should be shtroking a white cat.
Welles: White cat…? Good idea, young man, I can see you going far in this industry.
This one, by @Westward_Drift, is particularly appropriate given the current strikes by filmmakers.
2023: EON HQ on a hollowed out island off the coast of Thailand,
Barbara Broccoli and Michael G Wilson are lounging on a tropical beach.
Barbara rings a bell to summon her minions.
BB: Purvis! Wade! Tabasco for my brother's Bloody Mary. Another dragon fruit and avocado smoothie for me.
Purvis and Wade (in unison): Yes, Ma'am.
The minions bring the Tabasco and the smoothie.
BB: While the two of you are here I think it's time to begin the script for Bond 26.
Purvis and Wade (as one): Finally!
BB: Excuse me?
Wade: Nothing, Ma'am.
Purvis: We think we've found a new way to reboot the series. It's never been done before.
Wade: Except for John Wick, Mission: Impossible, and Spy Kids.
Purvis: The hook, as we see it is...
Purvis's and Wade's phones each give several notification chimes. They look at their phones.
BB: What's going on?
Purvis: It's midnight in Los Angeles. As of this minute we are on strike.
Wade: Sorry. Can't do anything related to writing.
Purvis: We have to go. The WGA wants us to picket Amazon. Having Brits there will give the picket line some class.
The minions leave.
MGW: Well, this certainly puts a different spin on things.
BB: It most certainly does. Imagine if we had actually been in pre-production or even shooting.
MGW: Dodged a bullet there. Can't have Quantum of Solace all over again.
BB: With any luck we won't have to worry about the script for Bond 26 for quite a while. After the strike settles we can still blame it for delaying everything for months afterward. Maybe even longer.
MGW: Very fortunate.
Barbara and Michael each give a contented sigh and enjoy their beverages in the tropical sun. All is right in the world.
I thought back to this while reading the reports of picket lines outside Amazon headquarters.
And now the actors are on strike. How are the "auteurs" doing without scripts or actors to say the lines? Of course there is still some production in the UK and Canada, but Bond is partially owned by Amazon.
I discovered the dragon fruit and avocado smoothie at the food court at Iconsiam in Bangkok last January. I can recommend. The avocado adds a unique texture and richness to the drink. Babs could do worse.
1978. Honest Del’s Used Car Dealership, Hackney. A man is casually wandering through looking at the cars when the owner of the dealership comes up. He is short, wearing a checked cap and a fur coat, and bouncing on his feet in a friendly manner.
Owner: Evening,squire.
Man: Good evening.
Owner: You, er, after anything special then?
Man: No, not at all, just having a look.
Owner: Not a problem, sir, not a problem.
Man: Well, let me tell you- I just got divorced, and I’m looking to trade in my family sedan (He waves at the rather ordinary looking car parked outside.) for something a bit more…
Owner: A bit more sporty? Bit more fun?
Man: Yes, I suppose that’s right.
Owner: Lovely jubbly- let me lead you straight over here.
Man: All right.
(He follows the owner to the rear of the establishment where a tall, thin young man is polishing a most attractive white car.)
Owner: Right, leave it out, Rodders, got a customer here.
Rodders: Oh, right.
(He stops polishing the car.)
Man: And what would this be then?
Owner: This, my son, is a Lotus Esprit (He pronounces it “S Prit”, rhyming with “desperate”.).
Man: (Rubbing the car.) A Lotus, eh?
Owner: ‘sright, a Lotus. You want a look?
Man: Oh, I don’t know, I think this might be a little bit out of my price range.
Owner: Au contraire, I’m only looking for ten grand.
Man: Ten grand? I could buy a new one for that!
Owner: Yeah, but there’s a two year waiting list and this one is in beautiful condition- only one owner as well!
Man: Let’s just see…
(He opens the door. Some water flows out.)
Man: What the hell?
Owner: Rodders, you plonker! I told you to clean that up!
Rodders: Sorry, Del.
Owner: It’s, er, only water from it being cleaned up.
Man: Oh yeah? (He bends down and picks up a fish.) So what about this, then?
Owner: Ah, er, must be from the previous owner’s shopping.
Man: (Walking away.) You know, I don’t think I’m interested.
Owner: No, come back- I’ve got an Aston Martin round back! Only one careful owner!
And this being the 31st of July, below is the last of the re-runs. It's a favourite of CoolHandBond so I left it till last.
1969. CTS Recording Studio.
Hal David: Is he here yet?
John Barry: No, but he’ll be here soon. I’ve been running the orchestra through the track.
Hal: I had to come, this is a proud moment for both of us.
John: Yes, I was so glad he agreed to do it.
(The door opens and a frail Louis Armstrong walks in, handkerchief and trumpet in hand.)
Louis Armstrong: Hello, everyone.
(The orchestra silently look on with awe.)
John: Thank you for coming, Mr Armstrong.
Satch: Oh, call me “Satch”, please.
John: Satch, this is Hal David who wrote the words to the song. I’m John Barry, I wrote the music and will be conducting the orchestra.
Satch: It’s a great song, I’m looking forward to it. Lovely words, Hal.
Hal: Thank you, Mr Armst… Satch.
John: Now, I’ve written in these sections for you to play on your trumpet at the solo and at the ending.
Satch: I’m sorry, John, but I don’t think I can manage. I’ve been ill, you see, just out of hospital especially to sing your song.
Hal: But you’ve got your trumpet with you.
Satch: Damn right, they’ll have to pry it out of my cold dead hands. It goes everywhere with me.
John: Well, in that case- Derek?
Derek Watkins: Yes, John?
John: Would you play the trumpet parts I’ve written into the score please?
Derek: (Gulping at the thought of playing lead trumpet in front of Louis Armstrong.) Er… sure, John.
John: Then, let’s get going. Mr Arm… Louis… Satch, would you please stand at the mike there?
Satch: Sure.
John: Then let’s go for a take. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…
(Satch sings “We Have All The Time In The World”, his very frailty adding to the emotion of the lyric. By the time the last notes of the song fade the orchestra, seasoned professionals all, are choking back their tears.)
Satch: Was that all right?
John: Oh dear God, yes. It was magnificent.
Hal: Thank you, thank you.
Satch: I just want to say thank you for giving me this job.
(Barry and David surreptitiously reach for their handkerchiefs.)
John: Er.. yes, thank you for singing our song.
Derek: Hey, Satch!
Satch: Hi Chops! Great solo!
Derek: Fancy doing some blues while you’re here?
Satch: Do I? You bet!
(The band start playing some hot blues. Satch, who didn’t have enough puff to play the parts John Barry had written into the song they were recording, grabs his trumpet and chimes in with the band overcome with the power of the blues. All present have a fabulous time, Satch appears 20 or 30 years younger. The tune comes to its inevitable end.)
Satch: Thanks, guys, that was great.
The entire orchestra: Thank YOU, Satch!
(Once more a frail old man, Satch departs. John Barry and Hal David share a look saying “This is a moment I will remember.”)
At the risk of being accused of backslapping…@Barbel is the most prolific contributor to this thread and always turns out an enjoyable “imaginary conversation” and of all the ones he has written, this one (IMHO) is the greatest of all - true-to-life, poignant and simply bloody amazing.
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
Comments
This was the first of the "Cubby's ghost visits BB and/or MGW" type to be written... but far from the last, cos I very much enjoyed writing them!
2015. The Broccoli mansion, the night after the premiere of “Spectre”. BB sleeps peacefully as a ghostly figure enters her room.
Ghost: Barbara…
BB: (Still sleeping.) Oh Daniel, I never thought….
Ghost: Barbara Broccoli!
BB: (Awakes.) Oh! What? …. Dad?
Ghost: I am the ghost of your father, disturbed from my peaceful slumbers by the heinous abomination you have brought upon my legacy.
BB: What do you mean, heinous abomination? He’s a little short, I know, and yes, he does have blond hair but-
Ghost: Will you stop thinking about him just for one moment? You and your brother are responsible for making Bond and Blofeld brothers!
BB: Well, foster brothers actua-
Ghost: As if audiences will remember that detail!
(He produces a whip made from a stingray tail. BB runs from her room in terror. There, she meets MGW running from his room.)
MGW: Barbara!
BB: Oh Michael, I just saw the ghost of father! He has risen and come back because we made Bond and Blofeld brothers! And he had a stingray whip!
MGW: You’re lucky- I got the ghost of Ian Fleming, and he had a carpet beater!
The list of complaints from the ghost grew longer and longer... but that was later.
This is for my old friend @Higgins though I doubt if he'll remember why.
A debatable year.
Skyfall. No, the house.
Baby: Waaah!!!
Doctor: Congratulations, Mrs Bond, you have a fine healthy baby boy.
Monique: Can I… can I hold him?
Doctor: Of course. (He hands Monique the baby.) I’ll just go and get your husband.
(Goes to the door.) Mr Bond, you can come in now.
(The doctor leaves the room as an excited Andrew Bond comes in.)
Andrew: Oh, Monique, darling! (He kisses his wife.)
Monique: Look, Andrew, he’s so beautiful. (Andrew kisses the baby.)
Andrew: Kincade, come in and have a look!
(The faithful Kincade, at this age bearing a striking resemblance to Ewan McGregor, enters the room and examines the baby.)
Kincade: Aye, a fine lad, a fine lad indeed. Congratulations to ye both. Have ye thought of a name yet?
Monique: A name?
Andrew: Why, no, not yet.
Kincade: Then may I suggest ye start thinking about one?
(Kincade exits.)
Andrew: Why, all these months and we haven’t decided on what to call him. How about… Miles? Felix?
Monique: Oh no, definitely not.
Andrew: Auric? Julius?
Monique: Even worse! Maybe Sean? Roger?
Andrew: Hmmm, maybe Ian?
Monique: I like that! Keep that one in mind if we don’t come up with something else. I’m thinking… Ernst?
Andrew: Now, there’s a possibility. Ernst! Yes, that’s in with a chance.
Monique: How about James?
Andrew: Oh, I like that one too! Very much!
Monique: If only he were twins, then we could have one called James and one called Ernst.
Andrew: Well, he isn’t twins. Most definitely not. In no way.
Monique: Yes, this baby most definitely does not have a brother. (Looks straight at audience.) I could not make this any clearer.
Andrew: So, his name is-
Monique: (Looking lovingly at her baby.) Bond. James Bond.
Andrew: It’s a good name.
Monique: And most definitely not a codename. (Looks straight at audience again, while Andrew nods emphatically beside her.) Most definitely not, for the benefit of the hard of understanding.
Andrew: Shall I go prepare some milk?
Monique: Yes, please. And remember what I told you.
Andrew: Shaken, not stirred.
1989. Eon HQ, below a “Fillet Of Soul” in New York.
Cubby: Right, team, what ideas have we got?
Richard Maibaum: Well, we’ve pretty much exhausted all of the Fleming titles so we’re free to think up a new one.
John Glen: Or use one of the continuation authors’ titles, like “Licence Renewed”.
MGW: A licence would have to be revoked before it was renewed.
John: Oh, yeah, you’re right. "Licence Revoked".
MGW: How about one with Bond as a rookie agent on his first mission? Maybe how he became 007?
Cubby: Who would want to see that?
John: Maybe the bad guys want to grab hold of all the water rights in a warm country, then make them pay dearly for their water.
Richard: Water? Bit of a comedown after all the missions Bond has been on. I’m thinking of a revenge plot- the bad guys kill someone close to Bond, so he goes on a personal revenge mission.
John: Like M or Q?
BB: How about the bad guy spends the whole movie trying to kill M, and at the end he succeeds and gets her?
Cubby: Her??!
BB: Er, sorry, Dad, just thinking ahead.
MGW: How about bringing back one of the old villains?
Cubby: Old villains?
BB: Yes, like maybe Dr No.
MGW: Or Goldfinger’s brother- you know, Richard, like you originally thought of for “Diamonds Are Forever”.
Richard: Well, I don’t know, we did think of that, then as you know we replaced him with Blofeld.
BB: Well, Blofeld could have a brother-
MGW: And we could decide that he’s-
BB/MGW: (Together.) James Bond’s brother!
Cubby: (Looks at them incredulously.) That’s the dumbest idea I ever heard of.
(A slow grinding sound can be heard from outside.)
BB: That’s scary- what is that?
Richard: Oh, you’ll get used to it. Cubby and I have heard it many times.
Cubby: It’s just Ian Fleming rolling in his grave.
1954. Goldeneye, Jamaica. Ian Fleming is enjoying his lunch.
Housekeeper: Mr Fleming, phone call for you.
Ian: (Putting down his vodka martini.) Thank you, Violet. (Walks to phone.) Hello?
Ivar: (On phone.) Ian, hello, it’s Ivar.
Ian: Ivar, old boy! How are you?
Ivar: Oh fine, fine. Listen, you told me to call you when they screened that TV adaptation of “Casino Royale”, remember?
Ian: Oh yes, you’re quite right. You’ve seen it?
Ivar: Yes, I watched it last night.
Ian: And how was it?
(Long pause.)
Ian: Ivar? Are you still there?
Ivar: Yes, I’m here.
Ian: So, I asked how was it.
Ivar: Well… Peter Lorre was pretty good as Le Chiffre.
Ian: I would expect no less, Peter Lorre is good in everything. And?
Ivar: Well… the casino set wasn’t too bad.
Ian: Ivar, you need to tell me more than that! How was the actor playing Bond? How did he sound saying “Bond. James Bond” for example?
Ivar: I wouldn’t know, he doesn’t say that.
Ian: Come again?
Ivar: He doesn’t say that, mainly because he’s not called that.
Ian: I’m sorry, this must be a bad line. I thought you just said he’s not called James Bond.
Ivar: That’s what I said. He’s called Jimmy Bond, or to be more exact “Card Sense Jimmy Bond”.
(Strange choking sounds are heard on the line.)
Ivar: Ian? Are you all right?
Ian: (Incredulously.) Jimmy Bond? Card Sense Jimmy Bond????
Ivar: That’s it. Oh, he is called “James” once or twice, I think.
Ian: Card Sense Jimmy Bond????
Ivar: Yes, that’s what they-
Ian: Card Sense Jimmy Bond????
Ivar: Calm down, Ian, calm down.
Ian: (Taking deep breaths.) All right, I’ve calmed down a bit.
Ivar: The actor’s called Barry Nelson, and he’s not too bad. Well, American of course, and-
Ian: They made James Bond an American?
Ivar: Well, actually they made Card Sense Jimmy Bond an American, but I see your point.
Ian: (Sarcastically.) And I bet they made Felix Leiter British, then?
Ivar: Why, yes, how did you guess?
Ian: Call it a wild stab in the dark.
Ivar: And of course they call him Clarence Leiter-
Ian: Cla-
Ivar: Ian, stop right now, think of your blood pressure. Take a few deep breaths…. Ok? Take a sip of your Vesper martini, I know you’ve got one to hand.
Ian: Oh, tell me they have him order a Vesper? Please tell me that’s there!
Ivar: Well, no. Mainly, I suppose, because she’s not called “Vesper”.
Ian: I’m beginning to see the way this is heading. I wonder why they bought the rights to my book at all when they’re changing so much it would have been easier to do an original story in the first place. All right, hit me- what’s she called?
Ivar: Valerie.
Ian: That’s not too bad, at least it begins with the same letter. Ok, I can take whatever else they’ve done, I suppose. Tell me about Mathis, is he any good?
Ivar: Oh, she’s Mathis.
Ian: What?????
Ivar: She’s Mathis- Valerie Mathis.
(Those strange sounds are heard down the line again.)
Ivar: Ian, are you all right?
Ian: Every time I think… oh, never mind.
Ivar: They had to change the torture scene, of course.
Ian: Well, that I can understand. I don’t see them being able to show the TV audience Bond having his balls smashed with a carpet beater. What do they do, then?
Ivar: They pull his toenails out with pliers.
Ian: I can live with that. Anything else?
Ivar: I’m sure there’s more, but I think I’ve told you enough for the moment.
Ian: (Sighs.) Well, there’s one consolation- I know this is the worst possible adaptation of my book “Casino Royale” there could ever be.
(Looks straight at the audience) This is great! 😁
(Smiles contentedly.) Thank you!
Entire body of text disappeared from this post when I tried to edit. Re-posted below. Content reappeared here some time later, making this a double post. My response:
Strutter gets the drop on Bond
Bond: "I better grab this revolver since that big lug back there bent my PPK."
Strutter: "Drop it!"
Bond: "I better drop this revolver since that big lug just there also has a PPK."
Strutter *walking towards Bond*: "Now,"
Bond: "Huh? Oh wait, you wanted me to drop it now? Damn, I was a bit premature. Can we try that again?"
Stromberg and hygiene
Naomi: "Oh, by the way, Mr Stromberg prefers not to shake hands. It's the third button."
Sterling: "Because the third button is notorious for harbouring the most bacteria. Very wise of Mr Stromberg."
Later...
Sterling: "An extraordinary number of germs colonizing your elevator."
Stromberg: "You recognise that variety, of course." *points to filthy elevator button*
Sterling: "Of course. Staphylococcus aureus. Fingers avoid it. Those colonies are laden with golden, grape-like clusters. Deadly, and not even handsome."
Stromberg: "I see you know your elevator germs, Mr Sterling."
Later...
Stromberg: "Were they the two from the health inspection office?"
Jaws: *nods*
Stromberg: "Let them get ashore...and then kill them."
😁 Thank you, QQ! I enjoyed those.
This re-run was selected by @Number24
1983. “Octopussy” Press Conference.
Cubby: Ok, I’d like to thank everyone for being here and now if there are any questions…?
1st Reporter: Hello, everyone knows that Kevin McClory is making a rival James Bond film at the same time as yours. Are you worried about this, Mr Broccoli?
Cubby: No, not at all.
1st Reporter: Can I ask why not?
Cubby: I’ve seen their script.
2nd Reporter: And what was your reaction?
Cubby: I couldn’t stop laughing for three days.
2nd Reporter: Mr Wilson, is that true?
MGW: No, not at all- it was more like four days.
3rd Reporter: Mr Moore, how does it feel being back as James Bond again and will you be doing all of your own stunts?
Roger: It feels wonderful of course, and I shall be doing just as many of my own stunts as ever.
3rd Reporter: Miss Adams, is it true that you are the first actress to return to a James Bond film?
Maud: Why, yes, I believe it is true.
(Over to the side, Lois Maxwell rolls her eyes and decides to call Martine Beswick later- if she’s not too busy talking with Eunice Gayson.)
4th Reporter: And is this a completely different part from the one that you played in “The Man With The Golden Gun”?
Maud: Oh, yes, completely different. Here, I am a woman in SE Asia in league with the main villain, played by an actor with a long career who’s played Dracula, who changes sides and teams up with James Bond. So not similar at all.
5th Reporter: Mr Glen, how is this film going to differ from your previous Bond film?
John: Well, this time we are going to be a bit lighter in tone. “For Your Eyes Only” was basically a serious movie, and this time we’re going to play up the humour a bit more. Don’t worry, though, we won’t be making James Bond a clown.
Yes, I concur, very good QQ and thanks Barbel for reminding us of some of those great sketches from the past.
Well, here's another which was selected by your good self and written by @Charmed & Dangerous (sadly missing in action).
Tokyo, 1967.
Doorman: Comrade Henderson, preev-yet!
Henderson: Good evening Boris, I'm well, thanks. And how are things at the Embassy?
Doorman: Good, senk you, Comrade.
Henderson: Good, good. Umm, I don't suppose you....
Doorman: Da! The Vodka. Fourteen bottles! It is not as good as Stolichnaya, buliatch! these people do not know their potato from their grain, but it is ok.
Henderson: Excellent, excellent. And umm....
Doorman: Da?
Henderson: (Embarrassed.) The umm, magazines...?
Doorman: Oh, Da! "Chechen Chicks vis ze Vladivos-diks!"
Henderson: (Even more embarrassed.) Shhh!
Doorman: Sorry, Comrade. Umm, zis is a lot of vodka and a lot of porn. You sure you got enough room for storage in zere? (He reaches forward and taps Henderson's left leg with the barrel of his Kalashnikov.)
Henderson: Oww! Wrong leg, you fool. Right idea, but...
Doorman: "...Wrong pussy", I senk is ze title of ze other magazines, da?
Henderson: Shh! They will have to wait. I'm leaving tonight for Las Vegas, to see a man about a mud bath.
Doorman: Dasveedanya! So long! And don't forget, ze vodka must be stirred, not shaken, da?
2024. MI6 HQ. Doctor’s office.
Doctor: Ah, come in, Mr….?
Bond: Bond. James Bond.
Doctor: Well, it’s time for your annual check-up…. Again. (Drawing a thick casefile towards him.) Ah yes, Mr Bond. You have been with the Secret Service for a long time. (He examines some dates, does a double take, puts on his glasses and reads again.) A very long time.
Bond: That’s true.
Doctor: (He reads some of the file.) In fact, some of these previous doctors have retired.
Bond: Indeed?
Doctor: (Shaking his head to clear it.) Anyway, you have had a long list of injuries. Please take off everything except your pants and stand over there.
Bond: Certainly.
(He does so. The doctor examines him.)
Doctor: Now… it would seem that the ligature mark around your neck has fully healed.
Bond: Ah, that’s good.
Doctor: Not surprising, really, since it happened in 1963. How old would you have been then, Mr Bond?
Bond: Oh, maybe early 30s.
Doctor: (Reading.) And various cuts and bruises from falling or being pushed onto gold bricks the next year… Ah, a bullet wound in your right leg in 1965. Let me just see… ah, that appears to have completely healed up remarkably quickly.
Bond: Glad to hear it.
Doctor: Now, some knife cuts to your forearm in 1973… Long healed up. How old would you have been then, Mr Bond?
Bond: Oh, mid-30s I think.
Doctor: Right… Now, marks from large steel teeth in 1977.
Bond: Yes, that would be right.
Doctor: And again in 1979. Let’s just have a look… Almost gone.
Bond: Excellent.
Doctor: (Skipping a few pages.) Pulled muscles in 1985?
Bond: Ah yes, that would be from holding a rope beneath an airship.
Doctor: (Raising an eyebrow.) I see. Well, those appear to have cleared up remarkably quickly. Now… burns, cuts and bruises in 1989?
Bond: I, er, fell from a petrol tanker.
Doctor: The burns?
Bond: It was on fire at the time.
Doctor: Right… well, those too appear to have cleared up remarkably quickly. Now… a shoulder injury in 1999- dislocated collarbone, snapped tendons.
That must have put you out of duty for a while… Oh, I see that it didn’t. A Dr Warmflash passed you as fit for duty. Noted you have exceptional stamina.
Bond: I’m sure she was touched by my dedication to the job in hand.
Doctor: And how old were you then, Mr Bond?
Bond: Oh, mid-30s I think.
Doctor: Right…. Now, it seems you were severely injured in 2006. “Battered and bruised testicles”, I’m reading.
Bond: Yes, but I recovered-
Doctor: (Reading.)- “remarkably quickly”, yes. I’m beginning to see a pattern here. Now, let’s see…. (Skips a few pages.) It would seem that in 2021 you were shot several times, infected with a biological weapon, and blown to pieces by incoming missiles.
Bond: You mustn’t believe everything you read, Doctor. I recovered remarkably quickly. Can I go now?
Doctor: I’d put on my clothes first if I were you, Mr Bond. I’d like to keep my secretary for the time being.
Selected by Number24
2008. Eon HQ. Michael G. Wilson & Barbara Broccoli are politely listening to David Arnold.
David: … so I wrote this tune, you’re really going to like it, and I’ve used bits of it in the score. Then I got Don Black to write the lyrics- they’re really good, and he managed to fit the word “solace” in! Then I thought, well I’ve got to go all out here so I asked- you’ll never believe it- Shirley Bassey to sing it!
BB: Er, David-
David: Yes, Shirley Bassey herself! And guess what? She said yes! I mean, I’ve got the real Shirley Bassey, the real James Bond singing person, Dame Shirley herself singing this great song that Don and I wrote!
(2) Alternative "Quantum of Solace" theme | Shirley Bassey - "No Good About Goodbye" - YouTube
MGW: David-
David: I never thought she would agree! I mean, I was so pleased that Don agreed to work with me, makes it even more like I’m filling John Barry’s shoes, but Shirley-
BB: David-
David: - and she said it was a great song and she was delighted to be singing it, I mean, I’d never have even thought that-
MGW: DAVID!!!!
David: Oh yes, sorry, Barbara and Michael, what did you want to say?
BB: Well, we’ve asked Jack White if he could come up with something for the main titles.
David: Jack White? But I’ve got this-
MGW: Here, David, put these earphones on. Right, now take a listen…
(Three and a half minutes later.)
MGW: David? David?
BB: What do you think’s wrong?
MGW: I don’t know. He was listening to Jack White’s song for about ten seconds before he got that glazed look in his eyes. Then he sort of shook all over before freezing into that unnatural position. It may be shock.
BB: Do you think he’ll ever move again?
MGW: Well, I hope so. He’s a talented composer who’s a definite benefit to the Bond series. We wouldn’t want to have to replace him for the next film or two with someone derivative and repetitive, even if the director says so.
BB: Do you think we should play him the Jack White song again?
(David leaps up from his chair and runs screaming from the room.)
MGW: ….perhaps not.
1970. The College Of Arms, London. Sir Hilary Bray sits at his desk, happily comparing the brass rubbings he made in Northern France at the end of the year before. There is a knock on the door, and his secretary enters.
Sir Hilary: Yes?
Secretary: A young lady to see you, Sir Hilary.
Sir Hilary: Young lady?
Secretary: Yes, sir. A Miss Bartlett. She does have an appointment.
Sir Hilary: Oh very well, show her in.
(The secretary shows in an attractive young lady.)
Sir Hilary: Now, then, what can I-
Miss Bartlett: Hilly!
(She runs across the room then stops in front of his desk, now that she can have a closer look. She appears confused.)
Sir Hilary: I don’t understand, what is it-
Miss Bartlett: Where’s Hilly?
Sir Hilary: Er, Hilly?
Miss Bartlett: Sir Hilary Bray! I must see him, at once!
Sir Hilary: My dear madam, I am Sir Hilary Bray. Now, what is it that-
Miss Bartlett: You’re not Sir Hilary! Where is he?
(She begins to look around, opening doors, moving curtains, etc.)
Sir Hilary: I most certainly am Sir Hilary Bray!
Miss Bartlett: Well, you sound like him, I’ll give you that, but you do not look like him- not a thing like him!
Sir Hilary: What makes you think that I am not Sir Hilary?
Miss Bartlett: Because I met you- I mean him- in Switzerland last year.
Sir Hilary: (Now he understands.) Ah, er, Switzerland, you say?
Miss Bartlett: Yes, in a clinic on top of a mountain. We became, ah, very friendly.
Sir Hilary: (Knowing he can’t give anything away.) A clinic, you say?
Miss Bartlett: Yes, I was there to be cured of my allergy. I used to hate chicken- used to make me break out. It was all over. You’d be surprised where.
Sir Hilary: And you’re cured from this now, Miss Bartlett?
Miss Bartlett: Call me Ruby.
Sir Hilary: Yes, of course, Ruby.
Ruby: Oh, completely cured. My family’s got a chicken farm and every time I did something on it I nearly died. (A faraway look comes into her eyes, and her voice becomes robotic.) But that is all over now. I love chickens. I love their flesh, their voice.
Sir Hilary: Ruby?
Ruby: (Coming back to normal.) Oh yes, sorry.
Sir Hilary: Perhaps you could make enquiries at this clinic you mention?
Ruby: I tried! But it’s not there any more- it blew up!
Sir Hilary: Blew up? (He knows perfectly well who was behind that.) That’s terrible!
Ruby: So you see, this is the only place I could go! I have to find him- I have to find him quickly!
Sir Hilary: How quickly?
Ruby: I’ve only got a few months.
Sir Hilary: What? You’re going to die?
Ruby: No, of course not. I mean I’ve only got a few months before… you know… (She pats her abdomen.)
Sir Hilary: Oh! Yes, I see. But I’m afraid I cannot help you, Miss Ba- er, Ruby. As you can see, I am not the man you met on top of a mountain in Switzerland.
Ruby: (Dismayed.) Yes, I know. Well, thanks anyway. (She turns to go then a thought strikes her.) Sir Hilary?
Sir Hilary: Yes, my dear?
Ruby: If it's a boy, do you mind if I name him "Hilary"?
Sir Hilary: No, no, of course not. What if it's a girl?
Ruby: Oh, I'll still name her Hilary.
(She walks to the door sadly and leaves. After a discreet interval, the secretary knocks and enters again.)
Secretary: There’s another young lady who wants to see you, Sir Hilary.
Sir Hilary: Nine o’clock.
Secretary: (Raising an eyebrow at this uncharacteristic behaviour.) And then another.
Sir Hilary: Ten? Oh well, back to work- you have no idea how it’s piling up.
Written by CoolHandBond
1965: Inside a cafe, close to Shrublands.
Pat: Oh my god, you should see this new patient, he’s such a hunk, wouldn’t surprise me if he was voted world’s sexiest man!
Friend: I thought you were having it off with another patient, the older man?
Pat: He’s a Count.
Friend: A bit harsh, but I suppose they all turn out that way.
Pat: No, a Count, as in aristocracy!
Friend: Oh yes, silly me. Anyway have you shagged him yet?
Pat: You bet, but of course I played the game of pretending I didn’t want to at first and then we did it in the steam room.
Friend: What does he do for a living?
Pat: I don’t know, I shall pretend he’s a secret agent....The Spy Who Loved Me...
Friend: More like The Spy Who Shagged Me!
1973. Eon HQ. On an oil rig off Baja, California,
Harry: So we’re sure that Sean isn’t coming back?
Cubby: Nope. I offered him half the GDP of a medium-sized country, an Aston Martin DB5, and a delicatessen in stainless steel but he still said “never again”.
Guy: So, it’s Roger Moore then.
Cubby: It’s Roger Moore.
Harry: Well, we better get on with it. Tom, what are your thoughts?
Cubby: And don’t make it like “Dr No”, this being Roger’s first.
Tom: Well, I thought we shouldn’t see Bond straight away but start with the deaths of British agents. M briefs Bond, very early in the morning, to find out what happened to the agents. We see Bond in his apartment with a beautiful lady. He arrives at an airport where he’s picked up by a driver who dies soon afterwards. He’s facing off against the ruler of a mysterious Caribbean island who uses the title “Dr” and keeps the superstitious natives away by arousing their fears. Bond will be attacked in his hotel room by a scary creature, placed there by a henchman, but will kill it. A beautiful woman will try to lure him into a trap, but he’s wise to her. He still sleeps with her, though. He’ll be aided by Felix Leiter, of course, and local fisherman Quarrel, and we should see them in a small boat together. An important villain has a metal hand, or hands. And we should film in Jamaica.
Harry: So, not like “Dr No” at all, then.
Tom: No, not at all.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
1977. Eon HQ. Orbiting Earth.
Cubby: Well, I’d like to welcome back Lewis Gilbert to the Bond team. It’s been, what ten years since you directed “You Only Live Twice”?
Lewis: Yes, that’s right, Cubby.
Cubby: Let me introduce you to my right hand man, my stepson Michael G. Wilson.
Lewis: Hello, Michael.
MGW: Hello, Lewis.
Cubby: And our writers, Dick Maibaum and Christopher Wood.
Dick/Christopher: Hello.
Lewis: Hello there.
Cubby: Any thoughts, Lewis?
Lewis: Well, my first thought is that I’d like to not just do “You Only Live Twice” all over again.
Cubby: Dick and Christopher, what have you got?
Dick: We’re thinking that the villain is trying to cause war between East and West by stealing crafts belonging to them.
Christopher: Yes, using a vessel which opens up to swallow them.
Dick: In fact, that’s how we’re going to open the movie.
Christopher: Then we meet Bond, who is of course in bed with a beautiful woman-
Dick: - who’s part of a plot to kill him-
Christopher: - which of course he survives-
Dick: - then he gets his mission briefing-
Christopher: - and off he goes to an exotic location he’s not been to before-
Dick: -where he meets a series of contacts.
Christopher: Bond, while using a false name, gets to meet a villain and his glamorous secretary. After the meeting, the villain says “kill him”.
Christopher: After which the bad guys obviously try to kill him-
Dick: - and we have a car chase, with Bond and his lady in a white sports car being chased by the bad guys in a black car, trying to shoot them.
Christopher: Don’t forget the helicopter, Dick.
Dick: Oh yeah, there’s a helicopter too.
Christopher: The villain kills a sexy lady working for him by making her fall into a pool containing-
Dick: - some sort of dangerous fish. We’ll deal with that later.
Christopher: Oh, and the villain has a big strong henchman that Bond fights near the climax-
Dick: - who also ends up in the pool.
Christopher: Bond and the main lady get into the villain’s base, which must be really spectacular.
Cubby: Ken Adam?
Dick: Oh yes, it has to be Ken. Really huge base with the stolen craft-
Christopher: - and a control room separated from the main part-
Everybody: (All together.) And a monorail!
Dick: Bond frees the imprisoned crews from the captured craft-
Christopher: - and we have a gigantic pitched battle. Guns, grenades, you name it-
Dick: - with Bond having to get into the “impregnable” control room-
Christopher: - where just in time he destroys the villain’s craft, before WW3 is caused.
Dick: And we finish with Bond and the leading lady in a small boat, just about to make out-
Christopher: -before being interrupted by M & co.
Lewis: So, not like “You Only Live Twice” at all, then.
Dick/Christopher: No, not at all.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
1979. Eon HQ. Hidden under guano on a Caribbean island.
Cubby: Well, Lewis, I think we can all agree that “The Spy Who Loved Me” was a great success and you did a wonderful job as director.
Lewis Gilbert: Thanks, Cubby.
Cubby: So, obviously we’d like to ask you back to direct the next one, “Moonraker”.
Lewis: I’d be delighted.
Cubby: Any thoughts, Lewis?
Lewis: Well, my first thought is that I’d like to not just do “The Spy Who Loved Me” all over again.
Cubby: Christopher, what have you got?
Christopher Wood: I’m thinking that the villain is going to steal a vessel belonging to the West.
MGW: Is that how we’re going to open the movie?
Christopher: Yes, then we meet Bond, who is of course with a beautiful woman-
Cubby: Is she part of a plot to kill him?
Christopher: Why, yes. Of course he survives, falling from a great height but saved by a parachute. Soon we meet the villain, who’s a billionaire businessman. Early on, he uses vicious animals to kill off a beautiful female employee.
Cubby: Ah, but does he try to kill Bond?
Christopher: Naturally, he has henchmen who try to do just that. One of them is Jaws, who always fails to kill James and survives certain death while doing so.
MGW: What about a car chase that ends up in the water when the car becomes a submarine?
Christopher: No, no, we have something completely different here- a boat chase that ends up on land when the boat becomes a hovercraft.
Lewis: And what is the villain’s plan?
Christopher: He wants to wipe out all life on Earth and then start again according to his ideals.
Lewis: I see.
Christopher: Bond and the main lady get into the villain’s base, which must be really spectacular.
Cubby: Ken Adam?
Christopher: Oh yes, it has to be Ken. Really huge base with all sorts of gadgets-
Cubby/MGW/Lewis: (All together.) And a monorail!
Christopher: ….ah, no. No monorail.
MGW: Oh, dear. Ken will be disappointed.
Christopher: James arranges for help and we have a gigantic pitched battle. Just in time he destroys the villain’s craft, before disaster is caused. And we finish with Bond and the leading lady making out before being interrupted by M & co.
Lewis: So, not like “The Spy Who Loved Me” at all, then?
Christopher: No, not at all.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This one is by @SpectreOfDefeat
Eon Production Office. 1981.
Cubby Broccoli: Ah, Richard. Do come in and sit down.
Richard Maibaum: Thanks.
Cubby Broccoli: So what ideas have you brought along for the next Bond film?
Richard Maibaum: Well, I was thinking we needed to go down a more serious route. Get back to the gritty realism of the early Connerys. We ought to do something in the style of From Russia With Love…
Cubby Broccoli: That sounds great. But whatever you come up with has to be fresh and exciting, understand? We can’t just copy an earlier film and hope nobody notices…
Richard Maibaum: (Hastily.) Ah, yes. Absolutely. I agree.
Cubby Broccoli: So what’s the story for “Bond 12”, then?
Richard Maibaum: Well, we start by reminding the audience of a Bond girl from a previous film, before Bond is called away for his mission…
Cubby Broccoli: OK…
Richard Maibaum: 007 is sent to recover a secret codebreaking device…
Cubby Broccoli: Go on…
Richard Maibaum: One of the villains, whose surname must start with the letter “K”, works for the KGB, and is often seen on a boat…
Cubby Broccoli: Yeah…
Richard Maibaum: Another villain is Blofeld…
Cubby Broccoli: *Cough* Who??
Richard Maibaum: Don’t worry about it, Cubby…
Cubby Broccoli: OK, keep talking…
Richard Maibaum: There’s a flamboyant ally, of course, with his own band of henchmen, and an impressive moustache. We have Bond’s local MI6 contact on the ground, who dies. At the end the main Bond girl shoots dead the KGB villain, while Bond gets involved in a fight with a big blond henchman. This henchman’s also trained by the KGB, by the way…
Cubby Broccoli: Brilliant! That’s nothing like From Russia With Love at all, is it?
Richard Maibaum: Of course not, Cubby.
Cubby Broccoli: Good. I’ll call up John Glen and tell him to get here on Monday morning, alright?
Richard Maibaum: That’s fine by me.
Cubby Broccoli: Terrific work, Richard. Care for a drink?
Nobody requested this one. However (and I know I shouldn't say this) this one made me laugh while I was writing it so here it is again.
1973. Langley, USA. Director’s Office. Felix Leiter enters.
Felix: You wanted to see me, chief?
Director: Yes, come in Felix, take a seat.
Felix: (Sitting down.) What’s happening?
Director: You’ve heard of San Monique, I suppose?
Felix: Sure I have, it’s in the Caribbean. Doesn’t resemble Jamaica in the slightest, from what I hear. Most definitely not, in any way at all.
Director: Yeah, that’s it. The island that most surely is not Jamaica and any resemblance is completely coincidental. Their Prime Minister is one Dr Kananga, who’s in New York right now attending the United Nations.
Felix: And…?
Director: Three agents have been killed in the last 24 hours- all Brits, though one was on loan to us. One was on San Monique, one in New York keeping an eye on Dr Kananga, and one in New Orleans- that was the one on loan to us.
Felix: So you want me to go to San Monique and see what I can find?
Director: Only if necessary. First I want you to go to New York and observe this Dr Kananga.
Felix: Sure, chief, I’ll get on it right away.
Director: Oh, and the Brits will be sending a man over to work with you. It was a bad line so I didn’t get the name right- sounded like James Pond or James Bong or something like that…. What’s up, Felix?
Felix: (All the blood drains from his face.) You mean James Bond?
Director: Yes, that’s it! I think you two have met before?
Felix: Damn right we’ve met before! It’s always the same! I do all the hard work and he takes all the credit!
Director: Now, Felix-
Felix: You remember that time I stopped Fort Knox from being flattened by a nuclear bomb? Did I get invited to meet the President, with liquor for three on board the plane? Did I hell! He gets all that! And a beautiful girl too!
Director: But Felix-
Felix: Then I rescued Miami from being blown up the next year and again he gets all the credit! And another beautiful girl too!
Director: Look, Felix-
Felix: Then only a year or two ago I saved Washington DC from being zapped by a laser beam from outer space. Do I get any thanks? No, he gets all the credit and a ride on a luxury liner with a beautiful girl!
Director: I think I’m beginning to see a pattern here, but Felix that doesn’t change anything. I’m sending you to New York, and you will work with this James Bond character and you will like it, do you understand?
Felix: (Reluctantly.) Yes sir, I understand. Another two hours twenty minutes of me saying “Yes, James” and “No, James” and “Are you sure, James?”
Director: That’s it.
Felix: Well, I’ll do it. It’s not as if it’ll cost me an arm and a leg.
1969. Eon HQ. Inside a harmless-looking factory in Switzerland. “Herschel-Albert Enterprises AG” is on the sign.
Harry: So, Peter, you’ve worked for us before and now we’d like to know your thoughts for our next James Bond movie, which you’re going to direct.
Peter Hunt: Well, we’re going to introduce a new, younger, Bond and I think we should take this opportunity to shake things up a bit.
Cubby: What sort of things?
Peter: Your last film was borderline science-fiction with several hard-to-believe sequences and plot points. I want to move away from all that. As few gadgets as possible, for example.
Cubby: No scene where Q hands out the gadgets which Bond will later use to escape from improbable situations?
Peter: No, none of that. And no super strong, apparently unbeatable henchman who Bond defeats towards the end.
Cubby: (Disappointed.) Oh.
Harry: But the last film was enormously successful.
Peter: And if you keep repeating that you’re going to hit the law of diminishing returns. I want to make this a more-or-less believable story, take things back down to Earth. Your last film had almost no Fleming content- this one should be pretty close to the book.
Cubby: But the book has a tragic ending.
Peter: Usually James has a flirtatious relationship with the leading lady. I want him to have a serious, human, romantic relationship with her.
Harry: Normally we end with her saying “Oh, James” as the credits start to roll.
Peter: Exactly, so when she dies it will have a huge impact on the audience.
Cubby: I don’t know…
Harry: I say go for it, what have we got to lose!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2006. Eon HQ. On an island in India populated exclusively by women. Well, almost exclusively.
MGW: So, Martin, you’ve worked for us before and now we’d like to know your thoughts for our next James Bond movie, which you’re going to direct.
Martin Campbell: Well, we’re going to introduce a new, younger, Bond and I think we should take this opportunity to shake things up a bit.
BB: What sort of things?
Martin: Your last film was borderline science-fiction with several hard-to-believe sequences and plot points. I want to move away from all that. As few gadgets as possible, for example.
MGW: No scene where Q hands out the gadgets which Bond will later use to escape from improbable situations?
Martin: No, none of that. And no super strong, apparently unbeatable henchman who Bond defeats towards the end.
BB: (Disappointed.) Oh.
MGW: But the last film was enormously successful.
Martin: And if you keep repeating that you’re going to hit the law of diminishing returns. I want to make this a more-or-less believable story, take things back down to Earth. Your last film had almost no Fleming content- this one should be pretty close to the book.
BB: But the book has a tragic ending.
Martin: Usually James has a flirtatious relationship with the leading lady. I want him to have a serious, human, romantic relationship with her.
MGW: Normally we end with her saying “Oh, James” as the credits start to roll.
Martin: Exactly, so when she dies it will have a huge impact on the audience.
BB: I don’t know…
MGW: I say go for it, what have we got to lose!
Selected by Number24
Pick a year. Casting for the new Bond film is revealed to the press.
1st Reporter: How does it feel to be the new Bond girl, Unnamed Actress?
Actress: Well, you know, we don’t say “Bond girl” any more.
1st Reporter: Oh yes, of course.
Actress: I’m very pleased to be here, this is an exciting script and I’m very happy to be playing opposite Unnamed Actor as James Bond.
2nd Reporter: You’re just a shade younger than Unnamed Actor, since you’re 23 and he’s 67. Do you see this as a problem?
Actress: Oh no, I think we look terrific together.
2nd Reporter: Can you tell us anything about your part?
Actress: It isn’t the same as all those other Bond gir… er, leading ladies in the past dressed in revealing outfits. Time has moved on since then. She’s much more Bond’s equal.
3rd Reporter: Bond’s equal? We haven’t heard that before. (Looks casually at the other reporters.)
Actress: Yes, she’s a new type of woman. She isn’t just there so Bond can save her from the bad guy and kiss her at the end of the movie.
(Six months later.)
Actress: (In bikini, tied to unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.) James! James! Help me! Save me!
Bond: But of course.
(Unnamed Actor’s stunt double leaps on a rope, grabs Unnamed Actress, and shoots the villain.)
Bond: That was a swinging time.
Actress: Oh, James….
(They kiss as the end credits roll.)
My good friend, and Our esteemed leader, Barbel, is away
drinkingvisiting at the many distilleries local to him and he has asked me to step in and take over the thread for a couple of days whilst he is enjoying the splendours of Scotland. The choice is left to me and I’m choosing this one from Charmed & Dangerous…2012. Savile Row.
Inside one of Savile Row’s most iconic tailors, a phone rings.
Tailor (picking up the phone) Savile Row. Ah hello Mr Bond, how are you? ... That would be fine, I look forward to.... What's that..... (he turns visibly pale)... but … but…. Yes, Mr Bond. (He puts down the phone). Oh no.
Assistant: What’s up?
Tailor: He’s coming here again today. For another fitting.
Assistant: Mr Bond? Surely you should be happy - he’s one of our best customers!
Tailor: You don’t understand. It started out innocently enough, with a request for a perfectly-fitted Prince of Wales check suit with slightly reinforced pockets for a gunmetal cigarette case and an oxidised Ronson lighter. Then it progressed to suits with pockets for a variety of car keys, a larger-than-usual wallet to hold everything from his Playboy Club membership to lock picks disguised as a credit card; and pens of every size and type, from bullet-firing to listening devices to grenades.
Assistant: A challenge yes, but surely not too much for a master tailor such as yourself?
Tailor: If it was just those, I would have relished the challenge. But in the past few years, I’ve had to include secret pockets to house whistle-activated keyrings, GPS encoders, multiple spy cameras and safe-cracking devices, fake fingerprints, rebreathers, steel-toothed finger-traps, lradioactive lint, bug sweepers, five different types of binoculars, ten different types of mobile phone, twenty different types of sunglasses, trousers with heavy-duty belt loops for a piton-firing belt, and room for concealed holsters of all shapes and sizes, from Berettas to Walthers, even piton guns and a shark-repellent pistol. I even had to make him a wetsuit with room for a miniature flare gun, a homing pill, several rebreathers, and a fake seagull!
Assistant: Unbelievable!
Tailor: Last week I even had his bootmaker on the phone, asking if I could help with hollowing out the heel of his shoes. And now this!
Assistant (aghast): What?!
Tailor: He says he wants his suits to fit “a little more tightly”…
My next choice is from Gymkata. Barbel will be back in charge of this thead tomorrow (laden with bottles of single malt)
Lairs Incorporated, this is Pradeep speaking. How can I direct your call?'
'Can you repeat that, please?'
'Who?'
'Yes?'
'No?'
'Oh, I get it. N-O.'
'Yes?'
'Hahahah, yeah I bet you DO get that a lot.'
'Sure, one second.'
('Maynard, grab line 4 please. His name is Dr. No. N-O. Yes, 'No'. No, not 'Yes...'No'. Right, line 4.')
'This is Maynard speaking. Did I understand that your name is 'No?'
'Yes?'
'OK, got it. What can we do for you today, Dr.?'
'Sure, we have experience with reactors.'
'Yes, nuclear.'
'Yes. What do you have in mind?'
'Well...I suppose we could do that, but wouldn't that be unsafe?'
'Well, I mean...having an exposed core like that where you're all in the same room. It really doesn't make sense.'
'Right. Typically, there's a lot of shielding between the reactor technicians and the core.'
'Right, and I mean...it's like you're talking about a studio apartment version of a nuclear reactor. In principle, we could do it, but is it really a good idea?'
'Well, it's your money.'
'Sure, we could take care of protective outfits as well.'
'Sure, I can get you our fax number. It's also in your information packet in the contact section....'
'Yes.'
'OK, now what do you have in mind?'
'Well...yes, we could do that, but I don't think those offer the right amount of protection that you're looking for.'
'Oh I agree, they'd look cool, I just don't think that they'd offer you enough protection from an exposed nuclear core.'
'Well, it's your money.'
'Anything else?'
'Absolutely we can do a decontamination area. What do...?'
'Well, yes.'
'Showers are appropriate, right...but you also need...'
'I'm pretty sure there's more that you'll need there, Dr.'
'Sure, we can install mirrors above the showers. It's an odd request, though.'
'Oh, hahaha...I get it. You're a naughty boy, Dr.!'
'Yep, just reference your informational packet for those charges.'
'Very good.'
'No, we can even take care of the nuclear material. We have a source in Leningrad for that.'
'Yes.'
'Very good, we'll get our drafters working on that now.'
'Yep, just fax us your designs on the outfits and we'll see what we can do with them.'
'Yep, silver is not a problem.'
'Agreed, it would be very sci-fi.'
'OK, sounds like a plan!'
'Hahaha, right...it's pretty easy to say 'yes' to 'no'....especially once the check clears.'
'You too. Bye!'
Well, I'm back from my little break and firstly a big thank you to @CoolHandBond for keeping the thread open while I was away. A couple of good picks there and especially a big thank you for including one of the "Pradeep" Conversations by @Gymkata - I had been meaning to include at least one of those before this month of re-runs was over so I was glad to see that!
Today I've selected one which I believe was by the one and only @Thunderpussy - though it's possible I worked on it as well (I have a copy in my files), but I'm not running back through over 90 pages to find out! TP, if you're reading this please advise.
2015. M’s office.
Miss Moneypenny: (On intercom.) Q here to see you, sir.
M: Send him in.
(Q enters.)
M: Any sign of 007, Q?
Q: Still nothing sir, but we did find where he’d abandoned the DB5.
M: Oh?
Q: There were one or two items left in it….
M: Might give us a clue as to where he's gone to ground. Go on, read the list.
Q: One empty bottle of blond hair dye.
M: His or hers?
Q: Hard to tell.
M: Well, as long as the collars and cuffs match.
Q: One Nectar card, one wrist-slashing knife-
M: Well, I’m glad he left that behind.
Q: One baby’s nappy and a pram.
M: Hmmm...
Q: ....and one pair of elevator shoes. Gents, size 9.
M: It’s definitely him then.
Q: Shall I alert the teams to go find him, sir?
M: It might take them some time- I’m thinking five years or more. Perhaps I should start interviewing for a replacement...
1956. Orson Welles directs “Moonraker”, starring Dirk Bogarde as James Bond
Welles himself as Sir Hugo Drax
Peter Lorre as Krebs
Bogarde: My name is Bond, James Bond.
Welles: Very good, Dirk, very good. Now, in the next scene you find Krebs going through your papers and you kick him very hard sending him flying into the wall.
Lorre: Ow, sounds painful.
Bogarde: Don’t worry, Peter, I’ll only pretend.
Lorre: Yes, that’s what Humphrey Bogart said before punching me in “The Maltese Falcon” and I was bruised for a week.
Welles: Quiet, boys, of course Dirk will only pretend. I’ll have the camera pointing towards Peter’s head so we won’t see Dirk’s foot connecting.
Lorre: Well, if you say so….
Bogarde: Speaking of only pretending, Orson, how are we going to do the scene where Gala and I are beneath the Moonraker as it takes off?
Welles: I have that in hand, Dirk.
Bogarde: Good. We don’t want to be burned up for real!
Welles: No, no, that would be ridiculous- we’re not being ridiculous here! Now, you rehearse that scene again while I go and see about a gondola and a pigeon.
Bogarde: Say what…?
(But Welles has gone. Bogarde does a double take.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1956. Ian Fleming visits the set of Orson Welles’ version of “Moonraker”.
Welles: ….and this, Ian, is the set for Blades.
Fleming: Very impressive, Orson, I like this very much.
Welles: And here is where Bond and Drax play cards.
Fleming: I see. Yes, that’s good. Here is where we see them play bridge.
Welles: Ah, no, we thought the general public might not be too familiar with bridge so we’ve changed it.
Fleming: Changed it? To what?
Welles: Texas Hold’em.
Fleming: (Aghast.) What???
Welles: Texas Hold’em. It’s a version of poker where-
Fleming: I know what it is! If I had wanted James Bond to be playing poker then I’d have written it that way!
Welles: But-
Fleming: What next? I bet if you were making “Casino Royale” then Bond and Le Chiffre would be playing that instead of baccarat!
Welles: More people understand how poker works than bridge. Poker it shall be.
Fleming: Hmph. I suppose so. Now, what’s this over here?
Welles: Ah, that’s where Bond and Drax do their swordfight.
Fleming: Swordfight???
Welles: You know: Blades, swords. Yes? It will look amazing. They fight until they get stopped by the leading lady.
Fleming: Ah, Gala Brand.
Welles: No, we've now changed that to Miranda Frost.
(There is a pause while Fleming takes several deep breaths.)
Fleming: Look, Orson, I think I’ll come back tomorrow.
Welles: Ah, not here though. Tomorrow we’re in Venice.
Fleming: (Deadpan.) Venice.
Welles: Yes, I’ve found the right pigeon now all I need is a gondola.
Fleming: I think I’ll go lie down a while…..
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
1956. Pinewood Studios, set of Orson Welles’ sadly mythical version of “Moonraker”. Welles is directing Dirk Bogarde, who is sitting in a gondola against a painted background of Venice.
Welles: Lean in a little more, Dirk.
(Bogarde leans forward as two burly stagehands shake the gondola, to simulate movement on water.)
Bogarde: Are you sure this will look okay, Orson?
Welles: It’ll look just fine, don’t worry. I’ll be intercutting this with the real gondola we shot in the real Venice.
Bogarde: Yes, well… if you say so.
1st Stagehand: Is it all right if we take a break now, Mr Welles?
Welles: Yes, of course. Take five minutes, everyone.
(The Stagehands gratefully put the gondola down. Bogarde walks over to Welles.)
Bogarde: I need some inspiration for this scene. I need to know what my character- what was his name again? James Pond or something like that.
Welles: Bond. James Bond.
Bogarde: Yes, thank you. I need to know what he’s feeling in this gondola.
Welles: Feeling? He’s feeling grateful he isn’t in one of those “Doctor In The House” movies which he could quickly find himself in again if he isn’t careful.
Bogarde: Point taken. Shall we start back to work again, then?
Welles: I think so. (Louder.) Places everyone, back to work.
(The 2nd Stagehand approaches Welles. He is tall and strong-looking, with thinning black hair.)
2nd Stagehand: Er, excushe me?
Welles: Yes, what is it?
2nd Stagehand: Mishter Wellesh, ish it okay if we have jusht another five minutesh? I mean, rocking thish gondola ishn’t eashy, you know.
Welles: Fair enough, another five minutes.
2nd Stagehand: Ah, thank you Mr Wellesh.
Welles: Now, where did I put that pigeon….?
2nd Stagehand: Pigeon? You’re the villain, you should be shtroking a white cat.
Welles: White cat…? Good idea, young man, I can see you going far in this industry.
This one, by @Westward_Drift, is particularly appropriate given the current strikes by filmmakers.
2023: EON HQ on a hollowed out island off the coast of Thailand,
Barbara Broccoli and Michael G Wilson are lounging on a tropical beach.
Barbara rings a bell to summon her minions.
BB: Purvis! Wade! Tabasco for my brother's Bloody Mary. Another dragon fruit and avocado smoothie for me.
Purvis and Wade (in unison): Yes, Ma'am.
The minions bring the Tabasco and the smoothie.
BB: While the two of you are here I think it's time to begin the script for Bond 26.
Purvis and Wade (as one): Finally!
BB: Excuse me?
Wade: Nothing, Ma'am.
Purvis: We think we've found a new way to reboot the series. It's never been done before.
Wade: Except for John Wick, Mission: Impossible, and Spy Kids.
Purvis: The hook, as we see it is...
Purvis's and Wade's phones each give several notification chimes. They look at their phones.
BB: What's going on?
Purvis: It's midnight in Los Angeles. As of this minute we are on strike.
Wade: Sorry. Can't do anything related to writing.
Purvis: We have to go. The WGA wants us to picket Amazon. Having Brits there will give the picket line some class.
The minions leave.
MGW: Well, this certainly puts a different spin on things.
BB: It most certainly does. Imagine if we had actually been in pre-production or even shooting.
MGW: Dodged a bullet there. Can't have Quantum of Solace all over again.
BB: With any luck we won't have to worry about the script for Bond 26 for quite a while. After the strike settles we can still blame it for delaying everything for months afterward. Maybe even longer.
MGW: Very fortunate.
Barbara and Michael each give a contented sigh and enjoy their beverages in the tropical sun. All is right in the world.
Thank you for the inclusion, Barbel.
I thought back to this while reading the reports of picket lines outside Amazon headquarters.
And now the actors are on strike. How are the "auteurs" doing without scripts or actors to say the lines? Of course there is still some production in the UK and Canada, but Bond is partially owned by Amazon.
I discovered the dragon fruit and avocado smoothie at the food court at Iconsiam in Bangkok last January. I can recommend. The avocado adds a unique texture and richness to the drink. Babs could do worse.
My pleasure, sir.
Yes, it will be interesting to see how things develop. I don't think the Bond film will be delayed any more than they're already delaying it.
1978. Honest Del’s Used Car Dealership, Hackney. A man is casually wandering through looking at the cars when the owner of the dealership comes up. He is short, wearing a checked cap and a fur coat, and bouncing on his feet in a friendly manner.
Owner: Evening, squire.
Man: Good evening.
Owner: You, er, after anything special then?
Man: No, not at all, just having a look.
Owner: Not a problem, sir, not a problem.
Man: Well, let me tell you- I just got divorced, and I’m looking to trade in my family sedan (He waves at the rather ordinary looking car parked outside.) for something a bit more…
Owner: A bit more sporty? Bit more fun?
Man: Yes, I suppose that’s right.
Owner: Lovely jubbly- let me lead you straight over here.
Man: All right.
(He follows the owner to the rear of the establishment where a tall, thin young man is polishing a most attractive white car.)
Owner: Right, leave it out, Rodders, got a customer here.
Rodders: Oh, right.
(He stops polishing the car.)
Man: And what would this be then?
Owner: This, my son, is a Lotus Esprit (He pronounces it “S Prit”, rhyming with “desperate”.).
Man: (Rubbing the car.) A Lotus, eh?
Owner: ‘sright, a Lotus. You want a look?
Man: Oh, I don’t know, I think this might be a little bit out of my price range.
Owner: Au contraire, I’m only looking for ten grand.
Man: Ten grand? I could buy a new one for that!
Owner: Yeah, but there’s a two year waiting list and this one is in beautiful condition- only one owner as well!
Man: Let’s just see…
(He opens the door. Some water flows out.)
Man: What the hell?
Owner: Rodders, you plonker! I told you to clean that up!
Rodders: Sorry, Del.
Owner: It’s, er, only water from it being cleaned up.
Man: Oh yeah? (He bends down and picks up a fish.) So what about this, then?
Owner: Ah, er, must be from the previous owner’s shopping.
Man: (Walking away.) You know, I don’t think I’m interested.
Owner: No, come back- I’ve got an Aston Martin round back! Only one careful owner!
And this being the 31st of July, below is the last of the re-runs. It's a favourite of CoolHandBond so I left it till last.
1969. CTS Recording Studio.
Hal David: Is he here yet?
John Barry: No, but he’ll be here soon. I’ve been running the orchestra through the track.
Hal: I had to come, this is a proud moment for both of us.
John: Yes, I was so glad he agreed to do it.
(The door opens and a frail Louis Armstrong walks in, handkerchief and trumpet in hand.)
Louis Armstrong: Hello, everyone.
(The orchestra silently look on with awe.)
John: Thank you for coming, Mr Armstrong.
Satch: Oh, call me “Satch”, please.
John: Satch, this is Hal David who wrote the words to the song. I’m John Barry, I wrote the music and will be conducting the orchestra.
Satch: It’s a great song, I’m looking forward to it. Lovely words, Hal.
Hal: Thank you, Mr Armst… Satch.
John: Now, I’ve written in these sections for you to play on your trumpet at the solo and at the ending.
Satch: I’m sorry, John, but I don’t think I can manage. I’ve been ill, you see, just out of hospital especially to sing your song.
Hal: But you’ve got your trumpet with you.
Satch: Damn right, they’ll have to pry it out of my cold dead hands. It goes everywhere with me.
John: Well, in that case- Derek?
Derek Watkins: Yes, John?
John: Would you play the trumpet parts I’ve written into the score please?
Derek: (Gulping at the thought of playing lead trumpet in front of Louis Armstrong.) Er… sure, John.
John: Then, let’s get going. Mr Arm… Louis… Satch, would you please stand at the mike there?
Satch: Sure.
John: Then let’s go for a take. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…
(Satch sings “We Have All The Time In The World”, his very frailty adding to the emotion of the lyric. By the time the last notes of the song fade the orchestra, seasoned professionals all, are choking back their tears.)
Satch: Was that all right?
John: Oh dear God, yes. It was magnificent.
Hal: Thank you, thank you.
Satch: I just want to say thank you for giving me this job.
(Barry and David surreptitiously reach for their handkerchiefs.)
John: Er.. yes, thank you for singing our song.
Derek: Hey, Satch!
Satch: Hi Chops! Great solo!
Derek: Fancy doing some blues while you’re here?
Satch: Do I? You bet!
(The band start playing some hot blues. Satch, who didn’t have enough puff to play the parts John Barry had written into the song they were recording, grabs his trumpet and chimes in with the band overcome with the power of the blues. All present have a fabulous time, Satch appears 20 or 30 years younger. The tune comes to its inevitable end.)
Satch: Thanks, guys, that was great.
The entire orchestra: Thank YOU, Satch!
(Once more a frail old man, Satch departs. John Barry and Hal David share a look saying “This is a moment I will remember.”)
At the risk of being accused of backslapping…@Barbel is the most prolific contributor to this thread and always turns out an enjoyable “imaginary conversation” and of all the ones he has written, this one (IMHO) is the greatest of all - true-to-life, poignant and simply bloody amazing.