There's one consolation, though. In the interim he did write a Holmes story, but in a compromise it was set before "The Final Problem". That turned out to be perhaps the most successful and best known Holmes adventure of all- "The Hound Of The Baskervilles".
Earlier I suggested that this might be a route Eon could take- set their next Bond film before the events of NTTD (there's a lot of years to choose from!), then bring Bond back properly in the one after that. Of course they won't do that, though.
maybe in the meantime we could have a film about a missing train, and this otherwise unrelated film somehow incorporates a Letter to the Editor which is not specifically signed James Bond but the phrasing and logic makes it obvious only James Bond could have written the letter? ("do I look like I give a Damn about a missing train? I think I'll call you C... for Conductor. etc") Perhaps that would be enough Bond content to tide us over for the next decade.
😁😁😁 That's excellent! "An amateur reasoner of some celebrity" IIRC was the description of the "Holmes" character - that could be twisted to suit Bond easily enough.
Sounds like a possible story, but tricky to pull off.
This is specifically for @caractacus potts based on his idea above. For non-Sherlockians, follow the link he gives above for some explanation as to what's going on.
1898. A publisher in London. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle enters.
Publisher: Ah, Sir Arthur, so very glad you could make it.
Doyle: Well, I was curious.
Publisher: Please, have a seat.
Doyle: (Sitting down.) Thank you. Now, what was it you wanted to see me about?
Publisher: It’s this latest story of yours, “The Lost Special”.
Doyle: Oh yes?
Publisher: Now I’m sure you remember how, when you had decided to kill off your very popular main character, I among others was most vociferous about how you should reconsider, and keep him alive.
Doyle: That is true, I remember that very clearly.
Publisher: As your publisher I was particularly disappointed at this turn of events, but you were determined to pursue this course of action for your own reasons.
Doyle: Most definitely.
Publisher: Well, I’ve just read “The Lost Special” and it seems to me that you have included your well-known lead character in this story, despite your determination that you were never going to write about him again!
Doyle: Oh, nonsense, I named no names.
Publisher: You didn’t have to. Look, in this story which is about a train being swallowed up by a larger train in an attempt to cause war between the railway companies, a letter is submitted to a national newspaper by-
Doyle: - by “a special agent of some celebrity”. See, no name given!
Publisher: No name needed to be given!
Doyle: It could have been any one of several- perhaps that American one who drinks a lot and likes to sing, or the short one who does his own stunts, or the one who lost his memory, or the Cockney one with glasses.
Publisher: No, no- the writer included such phrases as “do I look like I give a Damn about a missing train?” and “I think I’ll call you C… for Conductor”.
Doyle: Ah yes, maybe, but-
Publisher: “If there had been passengers on the train they would probably have been shaken, if not stirred” and “sometimes the old ways are the best”- neither of those ring a bell?
Doyle: (Innocently rubbing his chin.) No, can’t say they do.
Doyle: I think you’re barking up the wrong tree. Talking about barking, I’ve had this idea about a giant dog terrorising a family on Dartmoor- I think you’re going to like this one….
Monday. A pleasant day working with some aged, I mean, old friends. Robert Brown and I worked together on “Ivanhoe”
and it is always a delight to see him again. Similarly, Geoffrey Keen appeared in some episodes of “The Saint” and “The Persuaders!”,
what a pleasure to see him again. Of course I mustn’t forget dear Desmond Llewelyn, what a splendid chap.
Tuesday. An interesting day in Paris. James Bond had to run up and down the stairs of the Eiffel Tower, chasing or being chased by a villain.
My goodness, my stunt double must have been exhausted by the time shooting was over.
Wednesday. Today I met our villain, Christopher Walken. He is an unusual chap, and a talented actor as well. We shared some agreeable chat together in between the scenes being shot, and I do believe that he and I shall become firm friends. He started to tell me some story about a watch, but I never got to the end of it.
Thursday. Publicity work, once again. I am obliged to sit there with a polite smile (fortunately this is something in which I have had much practice) while endless batches of reporters ask me the same questions, over and over. (a) Will I be making more James Bond films? (b) Do I think that I might perhaps be starting to become a little too old for the part? (c) How is my Bond different from Sean Connery’s?
To which I always give the same replies: (a) No, which is the same answer I gave during the previous film (b) Of course not, I reached that point about two films ago (c) How is your column going to be different from all the others?
1962. An office in London. The owner is talking on the phone.
Owner: Yes, Mr Broccoli, I understand…. By Monday, you say?.... Large and hairy… Must look frightening… I think I have just the thing for you.
One week later, in the private menagerie behind said office, a large, hairy and frightening-looking spider is talking to the one in the next glass case.
Parker: …and next thing I knew, I was supposed to be walking up and down the body of a large, hairy and frightening-looking man!
Peter: Oohh, that must have been terrible!
Parker: I could tell he wasn’t happy about it. He took one look at me and then kept saying “Shend for Shimmonsh”, “Thish ish inshufferable” and things like that.
Peter: So what happened?
Parker: He lay under a sheet of glass and they put me on top of that.
Peter: Huh?
Parker: I know, crazy isn’t it?
Peter: Sounds to me as if it would look pretty strange, and would look exactly like you walking on a sheet of glass with a large, hairy, frightening-looking man underneath it!
Parker: Oh, he was most definitely not frightening-looking by this time! In fact, I think I heard him saying that he was “Shcared shi-
Peter: I see, I see.
Parker: So then they sent for another man, a bit smaller and less hairy, and had me walk up and down his body. I really don’t know what they were wanting.
Peter: What happened then?
Parker: Oh, the first one jumped out of the bed he had been lying in and bashed on the floor with a shoe. I’m glad I was nowhere near that!
Peter: I’ll bet you were.
Parker: But enough about me, what’s happening with you?
Peter: I’ve to go to America tomorrow.
Parker: America? What for?
Peter: I’ve to pretend to be radioactive and bite some young guy.
@Barbel I wish to congratulate you on using the precise panel from Amazing Fantasy 15 where Perter Parker gets bit by the spider, as opposed to many times since then the scene has been redrawn.
Thank you, @caractacus potts, I'm glad you liked that. I had to do a bit of hunting to find the exact pic I wanted. As you say, there were many alternatives (not just from later versions but also from films and TV) but I definitely had this one in mind.
2016 (or thereabouts.) A toddlers’ group in Norway.
Woman: Hello, there.
Madeleine: Hi.
Woman: My name is Inga, what’s yours?
Madeleine: I’m Madeleine.
Inga: Pleased to meet you. That’s my little boy there, he’s called Sven.
Madeleine: And that’s my little girl, Mathilde.
Inga: That’s a lovely name, have you had her christened yet?
Madeleine: There’ll be no christening- I don’t believe, my mother and father are both dead, and I don’t have anyone else.
Inga: Oh. That’s sad. I don’t suppose….?
Madeleine: The father? Let’s not go there.
Inga: What about your grandparents? You must have a nice grandpa somewhere....
Madeleine: All dead. And my grandad made my dad look nice and stable.
(While the mothers are chatting, a group of bigger toddlers try to take Mathilde’s Dou Dou. She drop kicks the first, elbows the second, and headbutts a third. The fourth, wide-eyed in terror, makes to run.)
Mathilde: Stay!
(He does. Mathilde takes Dou Dou back.)
Inga: Did you see that???!!!
Madeleine: I didn’t see anything unusual.
Inga: Wha…..?
Madeleine: Mathilde has been progressing with her ninja classes quite nicely.
(Inga begins to slowly back away.)
Madeleine: She already speaks several languages and has a sound cultural knowledge.
Inga: (Grabbing her son’s hand and continuing to back away.) Right….
Mathilde: Mama! Mama!
Madeleine: Oh, yes, drink time.
(She pulls a bottle of milk from her bag.)
Madeleine: Here you are, just the way you like it. Shaken not stirred.
Mathilde: No, Mama! No!
Madeleine: Now, Mathilde, I’ve told you already, you can’t get a martini for quite a few years to come. Drink your milk.
(Mathilde’s jacket moves to side, revealing something unexpected.)
Inga: OMG, is that… is that a gun??!!
Madeleine: Relax, relax. (Inga relaxes.) It’s only a Beretta. (Inga tenses again.) She can upgrade to a Walther later. (Inga nearly collapses.)
Monday. We have arrived at Palmyra, where we shall be living while not onboard the Disco Volante. Vargas has unpacked my bags.
I must remember to buy him a bottle of vodka and some cigarettes. It seems I have forgotten to bring a spare eyepatch, I must send for one tomorrow.
Tuesday. My incompetent subordinates returned from Nassau after a shopping expedition. I provided them with an easily understandable list and still they managed to get things wrong. I distinctly ordered a black eyepatch and what did they return with?
Subtlety is not their keyword. Well, the sharks needed fed anyway.
Wednesday. Visited today by Fiona Volpe. Mio Dio, how I would love to see her (Censored by Barbel.) then her (Censored by Barbel.) while she (Censored by Barbel.) my (Censored by Barbel). Somehow I don’t think this is going to happen, though. Domino would shoot me in the back if she knew!
Thursday. Go away diary, I am in a foul mood.
Friday. Yesterday I could not bear to write my diary. I lost heavily at baccarat last night to some British man called Bond and that angered me. Later I saw him dancing with Domino and that made me even more angry. If I had had an axe on me I would have smashed something.
Pick a year. Our young lady stands nervously outside a door as her beloved asks her father for her hand in marriage inside. Finally the young man emerges.
Boy: He said yes!
Girl: Whoopee!
(They share a happy embrace. From inside the room the father shouts.)
Father: Come here, you two.
(They go in to join him. Her mother, who of course has known all about what is going on, also joins them.)
Girl: Oh, Daddy!
(She slobbers all over him.)
Father: Hey, stop that!
Mother: Oh, I’ve been looking forward to this day for such a long time. Have you had any thoughts, my love, on how you would like your wedding to be? Traditional church, perhaps, or a registry office, or-
Girl: I want a James Bond wedding!
Boy: What?
Girl: You know I’ve been a Bond fan since I was double-O seven years old. I want a James Bond wedding!
Boy: You mean, like the one in “You Only Live Twice”?
Girl: No, a James Bond-themed wedding.
Mother: I’m not sure I understand what you mean.
Girl: (Excitedly.) I want all the men in tuxedos with black bow ties. I want all the women wearing costumes from the Bond movies- there are plenty of those to choose from!
(Father begins to groan.)
Mother: Are you sure, my love?
Girl: Oh, yes. I want to arrive in an Aston Martin DB5 (Father’s groans become stronger.), I want the cake to look like the one in “Live And Let Die” although of course I don’t want a speedboat to go crashing into it.
Mother: Of course not.
Girl: I want Paul McCartney to sing at the reception.
(Father narrowly avoids a heart attack as he envisages how much THAT would cost.)
Boy: Oh, that can wait till later. We have all the time in-
Girl: Argh! Don’t ever say that!
Boy: Huh?
Girl: And I want you to arrive by parachute!
Boy: Parachute? Me?
Girl: Yes, you and the best man.
Father: This will cost me a fortune- I think I’ll have to rob Fort Knox!
Girl: Funny you should say that, I’ve got an idea…..
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,756Chief of Staff
An undated year. A publisher’s office in London. The publisher sits behind his desk as a prospective author walks in.
Publisher: Ah, come in, come in. Have a seat.
Author: Thank you. (Sits.)
Publisher: Thank you for coming in. Now, as you know, we have been looking for a new James Bond continuation author.
Author: Yes, I'd heard that, and I’m very excited. I’ve been a James Bond fan all my life and I have read the Fleming novels many times. I know-
Publisher: Yes, yes, I’m sure you know all about that kind of thing, but we have to go over a few things which in our view are more important.
Author: (Raising one eyebrow.) More important?
Publisher: (Picking up a sheet of paper.) Oh yes. Let me just go down this list.
Author: All right…
Publisher: Now, firstly, you have to mention a previous Bond adventure once per chapter.
Author: Once per chapter?
Publisher: You can do it twice if you want. And a character or two.
Author: That seems okay.
Publisher: As long as it’s Tracy.
Author: Tracy?
Publisher: Well, Vesper would do if you must.
Author: (Eyes rolling.) But of course.
Publisher: Next, drop in the name of “Sir Miles Messervy” somewhere in the story, just to show you know the name.
Author: Suppose my story is set long after he’s gone?
Publisher: Find a way. Now, you can’t mention Q.
Author: Huh?
Publisher: Oh you can mention Q Branch, you can call its chief Major Boothroyd, you can make it clear that he gives Bond gadgets, even have him say “Now pay attention, 007”- but under no circumstances can you call him Q.
Author: I see.
Publisher: That is, of course, unless you’re doing a film novelisation- you can call him Q on every page then, if you like.
Author: (Making notes.) Film novelisation….
Publisher: You don’t need to make notes, we’ll hand you a list of do’s and don’ts once you sign your contract.
(He displays a contract about the size of “War And Peace”.)
Author: (Sarcastically.) And I guess I can’t mention Miss Moneypenny either?
Publisher: Of course you can, whyever not?
Author: Oh, that’s good.
Publisher: Just don’t call her “Eve”.
Author: Right, I’ve had enough of this.
(He gets up and heads for the door.)
Publisher: Hey, stop! Where are you going?
Author: I’m off to Canada. James Bond is out of copyright there and I can write stories the way I want to!
I almost forgot to mention: this is a good one, because believe that James Bond's daughter shouldnt just sit there like a blob holding her dolly, but would have inherited her daddy's superspy superpowers and would help save the world. I'd like to see further adventures!
In fact, if I ever had the chance to rewrite No Time to Die I'd definitely have Mathilde doing action sequences and other cool spy moves instead of some of the more boring content we got.
2023. A remote house somewhere in Norway. A young girl paces the floor, her mother anxiously standing by.
Madeleine: Oh, sit down my darling, let me make you a cup of that nice warm milk you like.
Mathilde: Shaken not stirred?
Madeleine: But of course.
Mathilde: But I can’t, Mother, I just can’t!
Madeleine: You have to, you’ve been doing this for days.
Mathilde: Days? More like years!
Madeleine: Well, you know that pacing up and down isn’t going to help. You know that if they want you, they will most certainly phone you.
Mathilde: That’s why I don’t want to get too far away from the phone. Suppose I miss their call, what then?
(Tears begin to well up at the dreadful thought.)
Madeleine: Oh Mathilde, my darling, please don’t cry!
(She dabs at her daughter’s tears with a silk handkerchief. The monogram in one corner reads “M.S.”)
Mathilde: They have to phone, that nice lady said they would!
Madeleine: Nice lady?
Mathilde: Yes, the one with the strange name- Barbara something. Parsnip? Aubergine? Horseradish?
Madeleine: Oh, right. Her. (She looks upwards with a “God give me strength” expression.)
Mathilde: Yes, you remember.
Madeleine: That’s right, of course I remember. I also don’t remember her saying that she would call you.
Mathilde: Well, she didn’t actually say it, but she made a promise.
Madeleine: (Confused.) How did she make a promise?
Mathilde: She most definitely said “James Bond Will Return”. It was in writing! I saw it! Everybody saw it!
Madeleine: Mathilde, my love, I don’t think that would stand up in court.
Mathilde: But she has to! If James Bond does return, how can they do a story without me?
Madeleine: You have no idea how many young ladies have said pretty much exactly those words before you, and they were very wrong.
Mathilde: But I’m his daughter! How can they forget about me?
Madeleine: Mathilde, I assure you that the nice lady and her brother are very capable of forgetting about anything. Anything at all.
Meanwhile…
Chateau d'Eon. Queen Barbara Antoinette sits on her throne, her lackeys Purvis et Wade keeping her cool by waving ostrich feathers. Old King Michael has fallen asleep. Young Gregg, son of Old King Michael, bursts in.
Gregg: Aunt Barbara! Aunt Barbara!
Barbara: What is it, he who expects to inherit all this one day?
Gregg: (Mutters.) That's if you've left anything for me to inherit.
Barbara: What did you say?
Gregg: I said, the Bond fans are revolting!
Barbara: Yes, I know. I’ve been close to one or two of them around premieres.
Gregg: No, they are uprising. They are dissatisfied with the ridiculously long waits between Bond films and many of them are beginning to watch “Mission Impossible” and the other fakes.
2023. Eon HQ, under an accurate model of Fort Knox. Purvis and Wade are muttering in the servants’ quarters, er, writing room.
Wade: He was very cheeky, there.
Purvis: Totally out of order.
Wade: I mean, calling us lackeys!!
Purvis: The very idea!
Wade: Everybody knows we’re not lackeys.
Purvis: No, we’re flunkeys!
Wade: It’s completely different.
Purvis: Yes, it’s-
BB: (From the master office.) Purvis! Wade!
Purvis/Wade: Yes, Barbara!
BB: Get in here at once!
Purvis: Yes, Barbara.
Wade: At once, Barbara.
(They rush to the master office, where BB is waiting impatiently. MGW, who had fallen asleep, looks up at them blearily, then falls back asleep again.)
BB: Well?
Purvis: Er…
Wade: Well, what, Barbara?
BB: You can’t say you haven’t had time to think of a new James Bond movie.
Wade: (Whispers to Purvis.) She’s got us there- there’s been time to think of three or four James Bond movies since the last one!
BB: You were saying?
Wade: No, no. I was just… just…
BB: Good. Because if I want sarcasm I’ll talk to my children, thank you very much.
Wade: Yes, Barbara.
BB: Now, have you two come up with any bright ideas (She rolls her eyes heavenward at the very thought.) for the next film?
Purvis: Well, yes we have, actually.
BB: Really. Do tell.
Purvis: In the latest film, you will recall that James Bond died at the end.
Wade: Only because Daniel Cr-
BB: Enough! Yes, of course I know that.
Purvis: This makes the next film a bit of a problem for us.
Wade: We did think of using “Double Or Nothing” by Kim Sherwood as a basis.
Purvis: A James Bond story in which James Bond never actually appears.
Wade: But then we had a better idea.
BB: Tell me!
Purvis: We’re going to go back to the beginning.
BB: What, “Casino Royale”? We did that in 2006!
Wade: No, back to the first film.
Purvis: Call it something like “Dr No Revisited”.
Wade: Or “Dr No Updated”.
Purvis: We can settle on that later.
Wade: And we’ve been hard at work on the dialogue. We open with a couple of songs…
Comments
I'm scared to tell you, cp. You won't like the answer 🙁.
Edit - If you really want to know....
Ten years. TEN YEARS!!!!!
There's one consolation, though. In the interim he did write a Holmes story, but in a compromise it was set before "The Final Problem". That turned out to be perhaps the most successful and best known Holmes adventure of all- "The Hound Of The Baskervilles".
Earlier I suggested that this might be a route Eon could take- set their next Bond film before the events of NTTD (there's a lot of years to choose from!), then bring Bond back properly in the one after that. Of course they won't do that, though.
maybe in the meantime we could have a film about a missing train, and this otherwise unrelated film somehow incorporates a Letter to the Editor which is not specifically signed James Bond but the phrasing and logic makes it obvious only James Bond could have written the letter? ("do I look like I give a Damn about a missing train? I think I'll call you C... for Conductor. etc") Perhaps that would be enough Bond content to tide us over for the next decade.
😁😁😁 That's excellent! "An amateur reasoner of some celebrity" IIRC was the description of the "Holmes" character - that could be twisted to suit Bond easily enough.
Sounds like a possible story, but tricky to pull off.
...though I'll have a go anyway.
This is specifically for @caractacus potts based on his idea above. For non-Sherlockians, follow the link he gives above for some explanation as to what's going on.
1898. A publisher in London. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle enters.
Publisher: Ah, Sir Arthur, so very glad you could make it.
Doyle: Well, I was curious.
Publisher: Please, have a seat.
Doyle: (Sitting down.) Thank you. Now, what was it you wanted to see me about?
Publisher: It’s this latest story of yours, “The Lost Special”.
Doyle: Oh yes?
Publisher: Now I’m sure you remember how, when you had decided to kill off your very popular main character, I among others was most vociferous about how you should reconsider, and keep him alive.
Doyle: That is true, I remember that very clearly.
Publisher: As your publisher I was particularly disappointed at this turn of events, but you were determined to pursue this course of action for your own reasons.
Doyle: Most definitely.
Publisher: Well, I’ve just read “The Lost Special” and it seems to me that you have included your well-known lead character in this story, despite your determination that you were never going to write about him again!
Doyle: Oh, nonsense, I named no names.
Publisher: You didn’t have to. Look, in this story which is about a train being swallowed up by a larger train in an attempt to cause war between the railway companies, a letter is submitted to a national newspaper by-
Doyle: - by “a special agent of some celebrity”. See, no name given!
Publisher: No name needed to be given!
Doyle: It could have been any one of several- perhaps that American one who drinks a lot and likes to sing, or the short one who does his own stunts, or the one who lost his memory, or the Cockney one with glasses.
Publisher: No, no- the writer included such phrases as “do I look like I give a Damn about a missing train?” and “I think I’ll call you C… for Conductor”.
Doyle: Ah yes, maybe, but-
Publisher: “If there had been passengers on the train they would probably have been shaken, if not stirred” and “sometimes the old ways are the best”- neither of those ring a bell?
Doyle: (Innocently rubbing his chin.) No, can’t say they do.
Publisher: Really. “Now pay attention” perhaps? “Shocking, positively shocking.” No?
Doyle: I think you’re barking up the wrong tree. Talking about barking, I’ve had this idea about a giant dog terrorising a family on Dartmoor- I think you’re going to like this one….
thanks @Boss !!
1985. The diary of Sir Roger Moore.
Monday. A pleasant day working with some aged, I mean, old friends. Robert Brown and I worked together on “Ivanhoe”
and it is always a delight to see him again. Similarly, Geoffrey Keen appeared in some episodes of “The Saint” and “The Persuaders!”,
what a pleasure to see him again. Of course I mustn’t forget dear Desmond Llewelyn, what a splendid chap.
Tuesday. An interesting day in Paris. James Bond had to run up and down the stairs of the Eiffel Tower, chasing or being chased by a villain.
My goodness, my stunt double must have been exhausted by the time shooting was over.
Wednesday. Today I met our villain, Christopher Walken. He is an unusual chap, and a talented actor as well. We shared some agreeable chat together in between the scenes being shot, and I do believe that he and I shall become firm friends. He started to tell me some story about a watch, but I never got to the end of it.
Thursday. Publicity work, once again. I am obliged to sit there with a polite smile (fortunately this is something in which I have had much practice) while endless batches of reporters ask me the same questions, over and over. (a) Will I be making more James Bond films? (b) Do I think that I might perhaps be starting to become a little too old for the part? (c) How is my Bond different from Sean Connery’s?
To which I always give the same replies: (a) No, which is the same answer I gave during the previous film (b) Of course not, I reached that point about two films ago (c) How is your column going to be different from all the others?
Friday.
Grace Jones was there.
1962. An office in London. The owner is talking on the phone.
Owner: Yes, Mr Broccoli, I understand…. By Monday, you say?.... Large and hairy… Must look frightening… I think I have just the thing for you.
One week later, in the private menagerie behind said office, a large, hairy and frightening-looking spider is talking to the one in the next glass case.
Parker: …and next thing I knew, I was supposed to be walking up and down the body of a large, hairy and frightening-looking man!
Peter: Oohh, that must have been terrible!
Parker: I could tell he wasn’t happy about it. He took one look at me and then kept saying “Shend for Shimmonsh”, “Thish ish inshufferable” and things like that.
Peter: So what happened?
Parker: He lay under a sheet of glass and they put me on top of that.
Peter: Huh?
Parker: I know, crazy isn’t it?
Peter: Sounds to me as if it would look pretty strange, and would look exactly like you walking on a sheet of glass with a large, hairy, frightening-looking man underneath it!
Parker: Oh, he was most definitely not frightening-looking by this time! In fact, I think I heard him saying that he was “Shcared shi-
Peter: I see, I see.
Parker: So then they sent for another man, a bit smaller and less hairy, and had me walk up and down his body. I really don’t know what they were wanting.
Peter: What happened then?
Parker: Oh, the first one jumped out of the bed he had been lying in and bashed on the floor with a shoe. I’m glad I was nowhere near that!
Peter: I’ll bet you were.
Parker: But enough about me, what’s happening with you?
Peter: I’ve to go to America tomorrow.
Parker: America? What for?
Peter: I’ve to pretend to be radioactive and bite some young guy.
Parker: Hmm, sounds like a great responsibility.
I'm so glad Barbel "found" timothy Dalton's diary. 😊
@Barbel I wish to congratulate you on using the precise panel from Amazing Fantasy 15 where Perter Parker gets bit by the spider, as opposed to many times since then the scene has been redrawn.
Thank you, @caractacus potts, I'm glad you liked that. I had to do a bit of hunting to find the exact pic I wanted. As you say, there were many alternatives (not just from later versions but also from films and TV) but I definitely had this one in mind.
And thank you, too, N24. I feel sure I may find other diaries later. In fact, one is on the way (but not today, I already know what that will be).
2016 (or thereabouts.) A toddlers’ group in Norway.
Woman: Hello, there.
Madeleine: Hi.
Woman: My name is Inga, what’s yours?
Madeleine: I’m Madeleine.
Inga: Pleased to meet you. That’s my little boy there, he’s called Sven.
Madeleine: And that’s my little girl, Mathilde.
Inga: That’s a lovely name, have you had her christened yet?
Madeleine: There’ll be no christening- I don’t believe, my mother and father are both dead, and I don’t have anyone else.
Inga: Oh. That’s sad. I don’t suppose….?
Madeleine: The father? Let’s not go there.
Inga: What about your grandparents? You must have a nice grandpa somewhere....
Madeleine: All dead. And my grandad made my dad look nice and stable.
(While the mothers are chatting, a group of bigger toddlers try to take Mathilde’s Dou Dou. She drop kicks the first, elbows the second, and headbutts a third. The fourth, wide-eyed in terror, makes to run.)
Mathilde: Stay!
(He does. Mathilde takes Dou Dou back.)
Inga: Did you see that???!!!
Madeleine: I didn’t see anything unusual.
Inga: Wha…..?
Madeleine: Mathilde has been progressing with her ninja classes quite nicely.
(Inga begins to slowly back away.)
Madeleine: She already speaks several languages and has a sound cultural knowledge.
Inga: (Grabbing her son’s hand and continuing to back away.) Right….
Mathilde: Mama! Mama!
Madeleine: Oh, yes, drink time.
(She pulls a bottle of milk from her bag.)
Madeleine: Here you are, just the way you like it. Shaken not stirred.
Mathilde: No, Mama! No!
Madeleine: Now, Mathilde, I’ve told you already, you can’t get a martini for quite a few years to come. Drink your milk.
(Mathilde’s jacket moves to side, revealing something unexpected.)
Inga: OMG, is that… is that a gun??!!
Madeleine: Relax, relax. (Inga relaxes.) It’s only a Beretta. (Inga tenses again.) She can upgrade to a Walther later. (Inga nearly collapses.)
Marte? Is Mathilde using an alias or is there an unknown twin?
I'll take any way to get a comment.
Well please don’t stop with these…I’d comment more, but I’d just be repeating “splendid” & “marvellous” all the time 🤗
I'm very grateful, @Sir Miles, and you're not the only one who's said similar things. I have no plans to stop, just to take a pause occasionally.
1965. Bahamas. The diary of Emilio Largo.
Monday. We have arrived at Palmyra, where we shall be living while not onboard the Disco Volante. Vargas has unpacked my bags.
I must remember to buy him a bottle of vodka and some cigarettes. It seems I have forgotten to bring a spare eyepatch, I must send for one tomorrow.
Tuesday. My incompetent subordinates returned from Nassau after a shopping expedition. I provided them with an easily understandable list and still they managed to get things wrong. I distinctly ordered a black eyepatch and what did they return with?
Subtlety is not their keyword. Well, the sharks needed fed anyway.
Wednesday. Visited today by Fiona Volpe. Mio Dio, how I would love to see her (Censored by Barbel.) then her (Censored by Barbel.) while she (Censored by Barbel.) my (Censored by Barbel). Somehow I don’t think this is going to happen, though. Domino would shoot me in the back if she knew!
Thursday. Go away diary, I am in a foul mood.
Friday. Yesterday I could not bear to write my diary. I lost heavily at baccarat last night to some British man called Bond and that angered me. Later I saw him dancing with Domino and that made me even more angry. If I had had an axe on me I would have smashed something.
1964. The home of Jack Lord. He is pacing up and down, while never getting too far from the telephone.
Mrs Lord: Oh, sit down, Jack, why don’t you?
Jack: I can’t, I just can’t!
Mrs Lord: Jack, just sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of coffee.
Jack: Can’t you see? I have to get that phone when it rings!
Mrs Lord: If it rings.
Jack: Oh, it will ring, it will!
Mrs Lord: Why are you so sure?
Jack: Look, they’re making another James Bond film, aren’t they?
Mrs Lord: Yes, I know that.
Jack: And they’re going to want me back as Felix Leiter.
Mrs Lord: They didn’t want you in “From Russia With Love”.
Jack: Felix isn’t in “From Russia With Love”. He isn’t in the book and he isn’t in the film. But he IS in the next book and film.
Mrs Lord: What’s that called?
Jack: “Goldfinger”.
Mrs Lord: “Goldfinger”?
Jack: That’s the title. And they’ve got to want me back as Felix, I just know it!
Mrs Lord: Hmmm… Have you been in touch with them already?
Jack: (Innocently.) Might have.
Mrs Lord: I know that look. What did you say?
Jack: Oh, nothing.
Mrs Lord: What did you say, Jack?
Jack: I… er…. asked them for a couple of things.
Mrs Lord: (Not giving up.) What things?
Jack: I… asked them for equal billing.
Mrs Lord: Equal billing? With who?
Jack: (Very quietly.) Sean Connery.
Mrs Lord: What? Say that louder.
Jack: Sean Connery.
Mrs Lord: Sean Connery, the guy who plays James Bond?
Jack: Yes, that’s right.
Mrs Lord: Do you really think they’ll allow that? Really?
Jack: It’s worth me asking.
Mrs Lord: I don’t think they’ll be happy with that, but if that’s all then you might have a chance.
Jack: Er… that’s not all.
Mrs Lord: What? What else did you ask for?
Jack: (Very, very quietly.) Equal pay.
Mrs Lord: I can’t believe I heard that right. Say it again, but louder.
Jack: (Louder.) Equal pay.
Mrs Lord: You asked for equal pay and billing with the actor who is the star of what is at this time the most successful series of films in the world?
Jack: That’s right.
(There is a pause.)
Mrs Lord: I’m going to the manicurist. I hear they’ve got a new French nail varnish.
Brilliant tag line 🤣👏🏻
Thanks, Sir M. I'm pleased to say that today's is being written by my lady wife, Bride of Bärbel, and will be along shortly.
Written by Bride of Barbel.
Pick a year. Our young lady stands nervously outside a door as her beloved asks her father for her hand in marriage inside. Finally the young man emerges.
Boy: He said yes!
Girl: Whoopee!
(They share a happy embrace. From inside the room the father shouts.)
Father: Come here, you two.
(They go in to join him. Her mother, who of course has known all about what is going on, also joins them.)
Girl: Oh, Daddy!
(She slobbers all over him.)
Father: Hey, stop that!
Mother: Oh, I’ve been looking forward to this day for such a long time. Have you had any thoughts, my love, on how you would like your wedding to be? Traditional church, perhaps, or a registry office, or-
Girl: I want a James Bond wedding!
Boy: What?
Girl: You know I’ve been a Bond fan since I was double-O seven years old. I want a James Bond wedding!
Boy: You mean, like the one in “You Only Live Twice”?
Girl: No, a James Bond-themed wedding.
Mother: I’m not sure I understand what you mean.
Girl: (Excitedly.) I want all the men in tuxedos with black bow ties. I want all the women wearing costumes from the Bond movies- there are plenty of those to choose from!
(Father begins to groan.)
Mother: Are you sure, my love?
Girl: Oh, yes. I want to arrive in an Aston Martin DB5 (Father’s groans become stronger.), I want the cake to look like the one in “Live And Let Die” although of course I don’t want a speedboat to go crashing into it.
Mother: Of course not.
Girl: I want Paul McCartney to sing at the reception.
(Father narrowly avoids a heart attack as he envisages how much THAT would cost.)
Boy: Oh, that can wait till later. We have all the time in-
Girl: Argh! Don’t ever say that!
Boy: Huh?
Girl: And I want you to arrive by parachute!
Boy: Parachute? Me?
Girl: Yes, you and the best man.
Father: This will cost me a fortune- I think I’ll have to rob Fort Knox!
Girl: Funny you should say that, I’ve got an idea…..
Great left-field thinking 🤣
That is excellent 🥂 to the Bride!
Thanks, guys, I'll tell her that once she's finished doing the washing, cutting the grass, hoovering the-
...she says thank you.
An undated year. A publisher’s office in London. The publisher sits behind his desk as a prospective author walks in.
Publisher: Ah, come in, come in. Have a seat.
Author: Thank you. (Sits.)
Publisher: Thank you for coming in. Now, as you know, we have been looking for a new James Bond continuation author.
Author: Yes, I'd heard that, and I’m very excited. I’ve been a James Bond fan all my life and I have read the Fleming novels many times. I know-
Publisher: Yes, yes, I’m sure you know all about that kind of thing, but we have to go over a few things which in our view are more important.
Author: (Raising one eyebrow.) More important?
Publisher: (Picking up a sheet of paper.) Oh yes. Let me just go down this list.
Author: All right…
Publisher: Now, firstly, you have to mention a previous Bond adventure once per chapter.
Author: Once per chapter?
Publisher: You can do it twice if you want. And a character or two.
Author: That seems okay.
Publisher: As long as it’s Tracy.
Author: Tracy?
Publisher: Well, Vesper would do if you must.
Author: (Eyes rolling.) But of course.
Publisher: Next, drop in the name of “Sir Miles Messervy” somewhere in the story, just to show you know the name.
Author: Suppose my story is set long after he’s gone?
Publisher: Find a way. Now, you can’t mention Q.
Author: Huh?
Publisher: Oh you can mention Q Branch, you can call its chief Major Boothroyd, you can make it clear that he gives Bond gadgets, even have him say “Now pay attention, 007”- but under no circumstances can you call him Q.
Author: I see.
Publisher: That is, of course, unless you’re doing a film novelisation- you can call him Q on every page then, if you like.
Author: (Making notes.) Film novelisation….
Publisher: You don’t need to make notes, we’ll hand you a list of do’s and don’ts once you sign your contract.
(He displays a contract about the size of “War And Peace”.)
Author: (Sarcastically.) And I guess I can’t mention Miss Moneypenny either?
Publisher: Of course you can, whyever not?
Author: Oh, that’s good.
Publisher: Just don’t call her “Eve”.
Author: Right, I’ve had enough of this.
(He gets up and heads for the door.)
Publisher: Hey, stop! Where are you going?
Author: I’m off to Canada. James Bond is out of copyright there and I can write stories the way I want to!
I almost forgot to mention: this is a good one, because believe that James Bond's daughter shouldnt just sit there like a blob holding her dolly, but would have inherited her daddy's superspy superpowers and would help save the world. I'd like to see further adventures!
In fact, if I ever had the chance to rewrite No Time to Die I'd definitely have Mathilde doing action sequences and other cool spy moves instead of some of the more boring content we got.
Thanks, @caractacus potts, and this is just for you....
2023. A remote house somewhere in Norway. A young girl paces the floor, her mother anxiously standing by.
Madeleine: Oh, sit down my darling, let me make you a cup of that nice warm milk you like.
Mathilde: Shaken not stirred?
Madeleine: But of course.
Mathilde: But I can’t, Mother, I just can’t!
Madeleine: You have to, you’ve been doing this for days.
Mathilde: Days? More like years!
Madeleine: Well, you know that pacing up and down isn’t going to help. You know that if they want you, they will most certainly phone you.
Mathilde: That’s why I don’t want to get too far away from the phone. Suppose I miss their call, what then?
(Tears begin to well up at the dreadful thought.)
Madeleine: Oh Mathilde, my darling, please don’t cry!
(She dabs at her daughter’s tears with a silk handkerchief. The monogram in one corner reads “M.S.”)
Mathilde: They have to phone, that nice lady said they would!
Madeleine: Nice lady?
Mathilde: Yes, the one with the strange name- Barbara something. Parsnip? Aubergine? Horseradish?
Madeleine: Oh, right. Her. (She looks upwards with a “God give me strength” expression.)
Mathilde: Yes, you remember.
Madeleine: That’s right, of course I remember. I also don’t remember her saying that she would call you.
Mathilde: Well, she didn’t actually say it, but she made a promise.
Madeleine: (Confused.) How did she make a promise?
Mathilde: She most definitely said “James Bond Will Return”. It was in writing! I saw it! Everybody saw it!
Madeleine: Mathilde, my love, I don’t think that would stand up in court.
Mathilde: But she has to! If James Bond does return, how can they do a story without me?
Madeleine: You have no idea how many young ladies have said pretty much exactly those words before you, and they were very wrong.
Mathilde: But I’m his daughter! How can they forget about me?
Madeleine: Mathilde, I assure you that the nice lady and her brother are very capable of forgetting about anything. Anything at all.
Meanwhile…
Chateau d'Eon. Queen Barbara Antoinette sits on her throne, her lackeys Purvis et Wade keeping her cool by waving ostrich feathers. Old King Michael has fallen asleep. Young Gregg, son of Old King Michael, bursts in.
Gregg: Aunt Barbara! Aunt Barbara!
Barbara: What is it, he who expects to inherit all this one day?
Gregg: (Mutters.) That's if you've left anything for me to inherit.
Barbara: What did you say?
Gregg: I said, the Bond fans are revolting!
Barbara: Yes, I know. I’ve been close to one or two of them around premieres.
Gregg: No, they are uprising. They are dissatisfied with the ridiculously long waits between Bond films and many of them are beginning to watch “Mission Impossible” and the other fakes.
Barbara: Then… let them watch fake.
Back in Norway.
Madeleine: See? I told you.
Mathilde: Yes, Mother
"Let them watch fake!"
😁😁😁 Absolute Carry On Classic
Thanks, Chris! 😂
2023. Eon HQ, under an accurate model of Fort Knox. Purvis and Wade are muttering in the servants’ quarters, er, writing room.
Wade: He was very cheeky, there.
Purvis: Totally out of order.
Wade: I mean, calling us lackeys!!
Purvis: The very idea!
Wade: Everybody knows we’re not lackeys.
Purvis: No, we’re flunkeys!
Wade: It’s completely different.
Purvis: Yes, it’s-
BB: (From the master office.) Purvis! Wade!
Purvis/Wade: Yes, Barbara!
BB: Get in here at once!
Purvis: Yes, Barbara.
Wade: At once, Barbara.
(They rush to the master office, where BB is waiting impatiently. MGW, who had fallen asleep, looks up at them blearily, then falls back asleep again.)
BB: Well?
Purvis: Er…
Wade: Well, what, Barbara?
BB: You can’t say you haven’t had time to think of a new James Bond movie.
Wade: (Whispers to Purvis.) She’s got us there- there’s been time to think of three or four James Bond movies since the last one!
BB: You were saying?
Wade: No, no. I was just… just…
BB: Good. Because if I want sarcasm I’ll talk to my children, thank you very much.
Wade: Yes, Barbara.
BB: Now, have you two come up with any bright ideas (She rolls her eyes heavenward at the very thought.) for the next film?
Purvis: Well, yes we have, actually.
BB: Really. Do tell.
Purvis: In the latest film, you will recall that James Bond died at the end.
Wade: Only because Daniel Cr-
BB: Enough! Yes, of course I know that.
Purvis: This makes the next film a bit of a problem for us.
Wade: We did think of using “Double Or Nothing” by Kim Sherwood as a basis.
Purvis: A James Bond story in which James Bond never actually appears.
Wade: But then we had a better idea.
BB: Tell me!
Purvis: We’re going to go back to the beginning.
BB: What, “Casino Royale”? We did that in 2006!
Wade: No, back to the first film.
Purvis: Call it something like “Dr No Revisited”.
Wade: Or “Dr No Updated”.
Purvis: We can settle on that later.
Wade: And we’ve been hard at work on the dialogue. We open with a couple of songs…