Wade: When Bond follows Goldfinger's car to Switzerland he experiences some problems with re-loading time for the car batteries. And of course he'll have difficulty getting through customs after Brex- er, you know what.
Purvis: The tracking system to follow Goldfinger's car can be updated too. We'll have Bond attach a bug to Goldfinger's GPS system. The bug is undetectable apart from the voice of the GPS system changes from a reassuring woman's voice to a very distinct voice. The GPS voice influences how Goldfinger and Oddjob feel upon arrival in Switzerland. Let's say, Christopher Walken (uneasy and nervous). Scarlett Johansson (horny). Joe Pesci (irritable). Fran Drescher (headaches).
Wade: However the bug makes it easy to find Goldfinger in Switzerland in spite of Bond stopping to recharge his car's batteries. What does Bond do while waiting? Play Solitaire?
BB: Wrong film, guys.
Purvis: Well, seducing random women? Desperately searching for fine food near recharging stations? Perhaps he was forced to stop several times?
Wade: About the first stop he says: "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a fine meal within a mile's radius of a recharging station? Hot dogs and hamburgers everywhere, I tell you!"
Purvis: Second stop: "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find my type of woman within a mile's radius of a recharging station? Vegetarians and unclear gender definitions everywhere!"
BB: All right, no more of the dialogue- tell us how the raid on Fort Knox is going to work.
Purvis: Oh, that's simple.
Wade: Instead of "gassing" the military base of Fort Knox it could be modernized into blocking their wi-fi and thus taking away their ability to communicate or doing much at all.
Goldfinger: Well done everyone! Yes, you all noticed that it’s his eye in which Bond spots the capungo with the knife heading for him in the pre credits sequence.
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service: Again his disguise here made him very difficult to spot
so it’s not shocking that nobody managed to point him out. Can you pick which one is him? The word is that he wasn’t pleased at having to shave his moustache for the scene, though.
Diamonds Are Forever: No, he isn’t Bambi or Thumper, as a surprising number of entrants thought. Here he is:
He's the one on the left. It’s fortunate that he kept the spacesuit from “You Only Live Twice”, since it came in handy here that it was the right size.
The Man With The Golden Gun: Thanks to everyone who suggested he was the cowboy in Scaramanga’s funhouse.
Not him, though. He's at the karate school but hard to see since he’s slightly out of focus.
He enjoyed the rigorous training program required, though, and was startled when the two schoolgirls kicked him harder than he expected in the fight scene.
Bond: Yes, sir. A Chinese spy in the Houses of Parliament.
M: Indeed. The press are saying, “right at the heart of power”.
Bond: Mrs Sunak’s accountant? That’s terrible!
M: No, no. The spy had worked as a researcher for the Minister of State for Security, before he held that post.
Bond: I see. No doubt she is stunningly attractive, and I have to keep an eye on her day and night to make sure she doesn’t make contact with-
M: It’s a man, 007. Two men to be accurate.
Bond: I see.
M: Here are their photos. (Passes photos to Bond.) You’ll have to judge for yourself if they are “stunningly attractive” or not.
Bond: Then no doubt you wish them to meet with accidents.
M: Accidents?
Bond: Yes, you know- “accidents” of the sort they have in Russia. Falling out of a window, perhaps, or catching some obscure nerve poison, or-
M: No, 007, not at all. War with China is not yet on our agenda.
Bond: Then what have I to do, sir?
M: These agents clearly have some vital information.
Bond: Clearly.
M: Have them report to Number 10 immediately- they need all the help they can get with schools falling down, the NHS falling apart, and the prison service crumbling.
Bond: Are you sure, sir?
M: Read the papers, 007- they say these spies have been transmitting intelligence to China. If they’ve discovered intelligence in our government, we need to know where it is immediately!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,754Chief of Staff
Variety brings you news that there are plans to bring a new James Bond movie to the screen in 2026, and it isn’t from Eon Productions. The producer of “Casino Royale 2” is none other than Charles K. Feldman III, grandson of the producer of the famous (some might say infamous) 1967 film starring David Niven as Bond, Peter Sellers, Ursula Andress, and a host of others. We caught up with him in Los Angeles.
Variety: Firstly, welcome and thank you for agreeing to be interviewed by us.
CKF: Not at all, it’s a pleasure.
Variety: Can you tell us a little about how all this came about?
CKF: It’s very simple, actually. When Wilson & Broccoli (Michael G. Wilson & Barbara Broccoli, owners of Eon Productions) made their deal with me to remake “Casino Royale” in 2006, I insisted that there be a clause ensuring that the rights returned to me after a period of twenty years.
Variety: That was a clever idea.
CKF: Yes, I learned that from my Uncle Kevin. So, in 2026 I could release another version of “Casino Royale”, which I decided against since the world already has more than enough versions of that story, or do what I’m doing- “Casino Royale 2”.
Variety: What can you tell us about it?
CKF: Well, of course, I don’t want to give too much away, but I can tell you that we’re in negotiations with Ursula Andress for her to return in a cameo role.
Variety: Wow, that’s quite a coup- it would make this her third James Bond movie!
CKF: I would say that was a first, but I believe Maud Adams might have something to say about that. Anyway, the original plan was to ask Woody Allen to make a brief appearance….
Variety: Oh?
CKF: …but our lawyers advised against that.
Variety: Some would say that we already have a “Casino Royale 2” in the form of “Quantum Of Solace”.
CKF: Yes, that’s true, but ours will have a decent song and a competent editor.
Variety: We’ve been avoiding the elephant in the room.
CKF: Ah, I’ve been waiting for this.
Variety: You already know what I’m going to ask you.
CKF: I believe so, but go ahead and ask me anyway.
Variety: The one question everyone wants an answer to. Who is going to play James Bond in your film?
CKF: Now there you have the $64,000 question- although in reality it’s a lot more money than that we’re talking about. This was one of the first questions I asked myself, and I came to a conclusion which I think is original.
Variety: You’ve invited George Lazenby back?
CKF: No, no. There is a major problem with casting this particular role. Half of the world want someone who is tall, dark, handsome, witty, and suave while the other half want another Daniel Craig.
Variety: So what conclusion did you arrive at?
CKF: Oh, it was very simple once I realised it. We’re not going to have a James Bond at all.
Variety: Say what now?
CKF: The big mistake my grandfather made with the 1967 film was having too many James Bonds. I’m going completely in the opposite direction with no James Bond whatsoever.
Variety: How does that work?
CKF: Again, it’s very simple. Vesper Lynd is going to be our main character and we are going to follow the film with her.
Variety: But.. but…
CKF: We’re already in negotiations with Eva Green to reprise her role.
Variety: But Vesper died at the end of the 2006 film!
CKF: It turns out the bitch wasn’t quite dead...
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,754Chief of Staff
More chance of this being made than Bond26 at present 😳
1981. The household of John Hollis. John comes home.
John: Hello, honey, I’m home!
Mrs Hollis: Darling!
(Kiss, kiss.)
Mrs Hollis: Well?
John: Well what?
Mrs Hollis: You know fine well what. Did you get the part?
John: Oh, the part…. Yes!
Mrs Hollis: Wonderful!
(Kiss, kiss again.)
Mrs Hollis: So you’re going to be in a James Bond film, that’s great!
John: Well, great for you, you’re the James Bond fan. It’s only a job for me- I don’t know one James Bond film from another.
Mrs Hollis: What part did you get?
John: I’m a bad guy, one of the villains.
Mrs Hollis: And what’s the name of this bad guy?
John: That’s funny, they didn’t say. But they did tell me I have to shave my head.
Mrs Hollis: What?
John: That’s right, shave my head. And I have to sit in a chair and stroke a cat.
Mrs Hollis: A white cat?
John: That’s right, a white cat.
Mrs Hollis: You know what this means? You’re going to be Blofeld!
John: Blow who?
Mrs Hollis: Ernst Stavro Blofeld- James Bond’s archenemy! He has a bald head-
-well, usually, and he’s always stroking a white cat.
John: So?
Mrs Hollis: You’re going to be the big villain of this film! Oh, this is fantastic- my husband is going to be Ernst Stavro Blofeld, and he’s going to be the villain in a James Bond film. What’s the title of the movie, by the way?
Late 1964. A factory in Switzerland. A property agent is showing a prospective buyer around.
Agent: Ah, I see the boys are still working here- I’d hoped they would be finished by the time you arrived.
Buyer: Don’t worry, not a problem. What are they doing, anyway?
Agent: Just filling in some holes in the walls.
Buyer: Quite a few holes in the walls, apparently.
Agent: Mice, perhaps?
Buyer: Mice don’t make holes in solid stone.
Agent: Ah, well-
Buyer: And these holes all look the same size.
Agent: Really?
Buyer: About .38 if I’m not mistaken.
Agent: What a sharp eye you have. Let’s just go round this corner next … now don’t worry about the mess here, we’ll have it all cleared up before you take possession.
Buyer: I still haven’t decided if I’m going to go ahead with the purchase or not, remember?
Agent: Oh, of course, of course.
Buyer: What is this mess, anyway?
Agent: I really don’t know- a broken window, perhaps?
Buyer: (Looking around.) I don’t see any windows missing here. Wait a minute- that’s not pieces of a window, it’s a broken mirror!
Agent: Oh, is it?
Buyer: What would a mirror be doing here?
Agent: I’m afraid I don’t know.
Buyer: Hang on, what’s this?
(He bends and picks up a shiny badge.)
Agent: Oh, was that there?
Buyer: Yes, amongst the pieces of mirror.
Agent: I really have no idea. Shall we go in?
Buyer: I suppose so.
(They enter through a door.)
Agent: Now, this is an interesting room we have here. The lighting is most unusual.
Buyer: Unusual? I’d say unique.
Agent: Oh, you’ve seen one of these?
Buyer: Only in pictures. This is an industrial laser which emits an extraordinary light, unknown in nature.
Agent: Er… if you say so.
Buyer: It can project a spot on the moon or, at closer range, cut through solid metal. (He examines a nearby table.) Which it certainly appears to have done right here.
Agent: That’s really interesting. Now, if you’d care to come this way-
Buyer: What do we have over there?
Agent: Smelting works.
Buyer: That’s more normal, at least.
Agent: Er, all right.
Buyer: What happened to the previous owner, by the way?
Agent: Ah, he died, sadly. He fell out of a window.
Buyer: Was he in Russia at the time?
Agent: No, somewhere in America, I believe.
Buyer: How high was the window- second floor? Third floor?
Agent: About 35,000 feet- it was an airplane window.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,754Chief of Staff
1979. A hotel in Rio de Janeiro. John Barry sits in the bar, steadily throwing alcohol down his throat as Cubby Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson walk up to him.
Cubby: John!
John: Oh, hello, Cubby. Like a drink?
(He signals to the barman.)
Cubby: Just a soda for me.
MGW: Me too.
John: And I’ll have another jouble Dack Daniels…. I mean, double Jack Daniels.
(The barman moves away.)
Cubby: You sure you’re drinking enough of that stuff, John?
John: As much as I can manage, I’ve only got one mouth.
(The barman returns with the drinks.)
MGW: Anyway, how have you been doing about getting us a singer?
John: Not so good. I started with Kate Bush, like you said.
Cubby: How did that go?
John: She told me to run up a hill, so next I tried Johnny Mathis.
MGW: And?
John: He said I should come back some other time.
Cubby: So that only left….
John: Frank Sinatra. He said he would only do it if he could do it… his way.
Cubby: Ah, right. Any other ideas?
(As John begins to shake his head, two small poodles enter the bar. They are on leads being held by a startling figure. It’s a strikingly beautiful woman, wearing a dramatic evening gown sparkling with gems that may or may not be imitation (my money’s on not.) matching the glistening tiara crowning her immaculately coiffured hair. She is being followed by two attendants, each holding up a corner of her cape. John’s eyes widen in recognition.)
John: Shirley!
Shirley: John!!!
(She blows air kisses either side of his head, graciously not wincing at the smell of whiskey radiating from him.)
John: But what are you doing here?
Shirley: I have a concert tomorrow night. And you?
John: We’re making the new James Bond film, “Moonraker”. You remember Cubby, of course?
Cubby: Hi, Shirley.
Shirley: Cubby, darling! And…
Cubby: My stepson, Michael.
MGW: Hello, Miss Bassey.
Shirley: Oh, Shirley, please! How you’ve grown! I remember you were just a young lad when Cubby put you in that scene in “Goldfinger” where you-
John: Yes, yes, we remember. Listen, Shirley, I have a favour to ask you.
Shirley: For you, John, darling, anything.
John: Well, you remember that you’ve sung two James Bond film songs?
Shirley: And it should have been three! You remember “Mr Kiss-
John: Of course, of course. Now, how would you like to make it three for real?
Shirley: Mmmmm?
John: Yes, how would you like to sing our title song?
Shirley: “Moonraker”? Sounds strange, but yes, of course I will!
John: Wonderful- here’s the address, just drop by the studio in the morning.
September 2023. Eon HQ, behind a false wall in a hotel in Tangier. BB comes bursting into the office, a magazine in her hand.
BB: Michael!
MGW: (Awakening from a lovely dream in which he’d taken more time over “Quantum Of Solace”.) Hmmm? What?
BB: Are you sleeping again?
Gregg: Give him a break, Aunt Barbara, he’s tired out after staying awake during “Film Stars Don’t Die In Liverpool”.
BB: Never mind that, look at this!
(She displays the magazine in her hand.)
MGW: What’s that you’ve got there?
BB: It’s “Production Weekly”. And it says that we are starting production on Bond 26! Look, see there?
MGW: Oh yeah, so it does. Right after “Blocco 181 02”, whatever that is, and before “The Book Of Jobs”.
Gregg: That’s right.
BB: Well????
MGW: Well what, Barbara?
BB: Does this mean we’re actually going to… going to…
MGW: Take a deep breath, now, honey.
Gregg: Yes, take your time there, Aunt Barbara.
BB: (Taking a deep breath and finally blurting it out.) Does this mean we’re actually going to start production??? And you didn’t consult me???
MGW: Don’t look at me, I didn’t tell them anything.
Gregg: Actually, it was me.
BB/MGW: What???
Gregg: I have to get in practice. Look, a hundred times a week people announce films that are going into production. Maybe 10% of them actually do, and maybe half of those finally reach a cinema somewhere.
BB: Yes, but none of those are James Bond films!
MGW: Quiet, Barbara, I think I see where he’s going with this.
Gregg: Thanks, Dad. Look, this is a list of films that are going into production.
BB: Yes?
Gregg: But it doesn’t say- it never says- how long that production is going to take!
MGW: And so we can take as long as we like-
Gregg: -blaming any delays on, oh, the actors’ strike or the writers’ strike-
MGW: -or waiting for the director we want-
Gregg: -just like we did with “Spectre”-
MGW: - or just do what we usually do-
All Together: -say nothing at all!
BB: Genius, Gregg.
Gregg: Thanks, Aunt Barbara.
MGW: Now will you all go away, please? It’s time for my morning nap.
(BB and Gregg quietly leave, tactfully not pointing out that it’s 2pm.)
1962. Kingston, Jamaica. A band have just finished performing a song in what will be Pussfeller’s bar to an audience of one- director of “Dr No” Terence Young.
Terence: Thank you very much, gentlemen.
Bandleader: You be hiring us for your movie, mister?
Terence: Ah, no, I don’t think so, but thank you anyway for-
Bandleader: No? You want to tell us why?
Terence: Well, for one thing, I wasn’t too keen on your song. We distinctly told you that we wanted you to perform the song “Jump Up” because that is what we want to be heard in our motion picture. Our composer plagia- er, wrote it himself.
Bandleader: Rarse, mon, that song be a pile of-
Terence: Nevertheless it is the song we require the band we hire to play in our film.
Bandleader: We writes our songs ourselves!
Terence: Yes, well, and for another thing we definitely gave you the suits which we want our band to wear.
Bandleader: Me and the boys never gonna wear those kind of clothes.
Terence: Well we can’t let you wear those clothes you are wearing. And the hair as well, it’s much too long.
Bandleader: Too long?
Terence: And that hairstyle, we can’t have that.
Bandleader: You ain’t gonna get no band here that wears their hair like yours, mon!
Terence: Oh, but we already have.
Terence: And they wear the suits we asked for, as well. I just wanted a look at another band to be sure I was doing the right thing.
Bandleader: Ha!
Terence: I’m not too keen on those cigars you keep smoking, either.
Bandleader: Cigars?
(He turns to the band, who laugh scornfully.)
Terence: Anyway, thank you for turning up and I’m sure you’ll find your opportunity sooner or later.
Monday. Wrote about 800 words today, not bad. I’ve been concentrating on the MI6 staff today. Glidrose tell me I’m not allowed to use the “Q” character, but I can have Major Boothroyd give Bond his guns and gadgets. I’m finding that rather boring, so have come up with an attractive young lady working in Q Branch to do that. Can’t think of a good name for her. It has to be the right one, something cute.
Tuesday. Good day, managed over 1000 words. Mentioned the Saab as often as possible; well, that’s only polite considering. I must think of ways to use the gadgets it has.
Struggling for a title. Thought of “Licence Revoked” then decided that some people might think it was about someone having their driving licence taken away. Then thought of “Licence To Kill” but it seemed a bit unexciting, so settled on “Licence Renewed” which works on a meta level.
Wednesday. Only 600 words today. I got distracted, had to do an interview with the TLS. Tried hard not to be sarcastic about this being the first time they’ve been interested in me and I’ve been writing for years. Bestsellers some of them, and a couple of movies, too. The magic of the Bond name, I suppose.
Thursday. Did over 1000 words again. If I keep on at this pace I’ll be finished soon and can start on one of my own books. I never think of the Bond stories as my own, as I do with the Boysie Oakes books.
Friday. 900 words today. I’ve got Bond fighting with a henchman in the cargo compartment of an airborne plane before the henchman falls from a great height.. He’s not done that before, and if this book ever gets filmed this will be a highlight. I’m sure the filmmakers won’t use the idea before then.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,754Chief of Staff
I think this coulda happened. Chris Blackwell was Blanche Blackwell's son and was helping the filmcrew hire local talent and find locations, according to the Goldeneye book. he may already have known Bob Marley
photos of the Wailers from the mid60s do show them with short hair and matching suits, I think they mightve been trying to look like The impressions as they covered some of their songs, eg People Get Ready
You learn something new every day! Thanks for that, @caractacus potts, I clearly didn't expect it or I would have written that piece differently. We can imagine a world where the Wailers did get that job - maybe someone might like to write a piece about that? 😁
@Sir Miles, I believe I'll find another entry from Gardner's diary overnight and share it tomorrow.
Comments
Part 2
(Not by Purvis and Wade at all, more like CoolHandBond and me)
Three sight challenged mice in a row…
Mango, banana, and tangerine, but no sugar cos it’s bad for me…
Moneypenny: James, you should have been here 45 minutes ago!
Bond: I know, my Uber was late.
M: Our woman in Jamaica, Trueblood, has disappeared, along with her secretary Strangways.
Major Boothroyd: You’ll use this Walther PPK. It has a delivery like a football through Barbie’s house.
Pleydell-Smith: Tut-tut, cyanide in a vape?
Quarrel: You picked the right place if you likes good eating
Bond: Only if it's vegan, gluten free, and lactose free.
Miss Taro: …along the Wentworth Road, until you get to the sustainable forest….
Quarrel: I gets my navigational directions from my nose, my ears, but mainly from my eyes looking at my GPS tracker.
Bond: Fetch my shoes.
Quarrel: Fetch them yourself, you colonialist dinosaur.
Dr No: The Americans are fools, I offered my services and they declined
Bond: The Russians, then?
Dr No: I didn't want to fall out of a window or get poisoned or have my plane mysteriously crash.
Part 3 Written with Number24 and CoolHandBond
Back at Eon HQ.
BB: Hmm, don’t know. I’m not convinced.
Purvis: Well, how about we update another of the old ones then?
Wade: Yeah, a really old one like “Goldfinger”.
(MGW wakes up suddenly.)
MGW: (Indignantly.) Hey, less of the “really old” if you don’t mind- I’m in that one!
Purvis: Oh yes, we’d heard about that.
Wade: (Keenly, seeing an opportunity to settle a longstanding question.) Michael, could you tell us please, exactly where are you in it?
MGW: Ah, I was in… I was in the scene where…. Er… (Sadly.) I forget.
BB: Boys, just tell us your ideas.
P&W: Well, we thought of….
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Contact: Don’t go back to your airb&b, senor. They’ll be watching you. There’s a plane to Miami in an hour.
Bond: I would have been on it, but there’s been a strike by air traffic controllers.
Bond: Auric Goldfinger- sounds like a French nail varnish.
Leiter: He’s British, but he doesn’t sound like it. Big operator, worldwide interests. Owns one of the finest oat milk refineries in the US.
Bond: Where’s my Aston Martin?
Q: Oh, it’s had its day, I’m afraid.
Bond: But it’s never let me down yet. Apart from that time it blew up in Scotland.
Q: M’s orders, 007. You’ll be using this Tesla with modifications.
Bond: Modifications?
Q: Yes, we’ve installed extra batteries so it can go more than 25 miles without recharging.
Bond: No lethal accessories?
Q: Well, with all that electrical power best not touch it when it’s raining.
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Back at Eon HQ.
BB: Hmm, any more bright ideas?
Purvis: But of course.
Wade: When Bond follows Goldfinger's car to Switzerland he experiences some problems with re-loading time for the car batteries. And of course he'll have difficulty getting through customs after Brex- er, you know what.
Purvis: The tracking system to follow Goldfinger's car can be updated too. We'll have Bond attach a bug to Goldfinger's GPS system. The bug is undetectable apart from the voice of the GPS system changes from a reassuring woman's voice to a very distinct voice. The GPS voice influences how Goldfinger and Oddjob feel upon arrival in Switzerland. Let's say, Christopher Walken (uneasy and nervous). Scarlett Johansson (horny). Joe Pesci (irritable). Fran Drescher (headaches).
Wade: However the bug makes it easy to find Goldfinger in Switzerland in spite of Bond stopping to recharge his car's batteries. What does Bond do while waiting? Play Solitaire?
BB: Wrong film, guys.
Purvis: Well, seducing random women? Desperately searching for fine food near recharging stations? Perhaps he was forced to stop several times?
Wade: About the first stop he says: "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a fine meal within a mile's radius of a recharging station? Hot dogs and hamburgers everywhere, I tell you!"
Purvis: Second stop: "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find my type of woman within a mile's radius of a recharging station? Vegetarians and unclear gender definitions everywhere!"
BB: Enough of that, carry on with the plot.
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Bond: Do you expect me to WhatsApp you?
Goldfinger: No, I expect you to FaceTime me!
Bond: If I fail to email my report 008 replaces me.
Goldfinger: I trust he will be more successful.
Bond: He knows what I know. Operation Big Mac for instance.
Fufu: My name is Fufu Galore.
Bond: I must be dreaming.
Goldfinger: Man has walked on the moon. He has sent submarines under the North Pole. But more than that, he has-
Mr Solo: Put pictures of his cat on FaceBook?
Goldfinger: No, he has-
Mr Midnight: Invented cheese crust pizza?
Goldfinger: Well, yes, but-
Mr Ring: Suffered through 3 seasons of “The Kardashians”?
Goldfinger: Right, I’ve had enough. (He stomps off.) Kirsch!
Kirsch: Yes, Mr Goldfinger?
Goldfinger: Just gas them all now.
Kirsch: Certainly, Mr Goldfinger.
Goldfinger: Pointless idea anyway, explaining everything to them when I was going to gas them all anyway.
Goldfinger: Your share of Operation Big Mac will make you a very rich woman, my dear.
Pussy: Why else would I be in it, Mr Goldfinger?
Goldfinger: You’ll retire to England, I suppose?
Pussy: Oh God, no. Who wants to go there after Brexit?
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Back at Eon HQ.
BB: All right, no more of the dialogue- tell us how the raid on Fort Knox is going to work.
Purvis: Oh, that's simple.
Wade: Instead of "gassing" the military base of Fort Knox it could be modernized into blocking their wi-fi and thus taking away their ability to communicate or doing much at all.
Purvis: See? No problems!
Thanks everyone for submitting your replies to "Spot Michael G. Wilson: The Early Years". We’ve been through them all and some were really inventive.
Here are the answers-
Dr No- We’re afraid that isn’t him at the cards table where we first meet James Bond, but good guess. He’s one of the band at Pussfeller’s club.
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From Russia With Love- No, he isn’t doubling for one of the gypsy girls during the fight scene as many thought.
Here he is, as the Orient Express passes by:
Tricky one, since for some reason many people believe that this is somebody else entirely. Can't remember who, probably not someone significant.
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Goldfinger: Well done everyone! Yes, you all noticed that it’s his eye in which Bond spots the capungo with the knife heading for him in the pre credits sequence.
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Thunderball: No, he isn’t one of the frogmen in the underwater fight scene.
He’s sitting in plain view, smoking a cigar, as Bond enters the night club.
Again, for some reason many thought this was someone else entirely.
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Casino Royale (1967): Sorry to all those who submitted answers, some of which were very imaginative
but he isn’t in this one. He did want to volunteer, but his stepfather said he wasn’t to do it.
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You Only Live Twice: We’re surprised that no-one spotted him in the pre-credits sequence. Still, the astronaut suit made it hard to see his face.
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On Her Majesty’s Secret Service: Again his disguise here made him very difficult to spot
so it’s not shocking that nobody managed to point him out. Can you pick which one is him? The word is that he wasn’t pleased at having to shave his moustache for the scene, though.
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Diamonds Are Forever: No, he isn’t Bambi or Thumper, as a surprising number of entrants thought. Here he is:
He's the one on the left. It’s fortunate that he kept the spacesuit from “You Only Live Twice”, since it came in handy here that it was the right size.
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Live And Let Die: Many suggested he was one of the mourners in the funeral scene
or perhaps in one of the voodoo scenes
but no. Bit of a trick question, this one. He doesn’t actually appear, rather he’s one of the backing vocalists on the title song.
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The Man With The Golden Gun: Thanks to everyone who suggested he was the cowboy in Scaramanga’s funhouse.
Not him, though. He's at the karate school but hard to see since he’s slightly out of focus.
He enjoyed the rigorous training program required, though, and was startled when the two schoolgirls kicked him harder than he expected in the fight scene.
Prizes are on their way. The winner, of course, gets the top prize - one of their great grandchildren gets to do a cameo in Bond 26.
It's incredible what one can learn reading this thread!
Yesterday. M’s office. James Bond enters.
M: Ah, there you are, 007. Sit down.
Bond: Thank you, sir.
M: Seen today’s Times?
Bond: Yes, sir. A Chinese spy in the Houses of Parliament.
M: Indeed. The press are saying, “right at the heart of power”.
Bond: Mrs Sunak’s accountant? That’s terrible!
M: No, no. The spy had worked as a researcher for the Minister of State for Security, before he held that post.
Bond: I see. No doubt she is stunningly attractive, and I have to keep an eye on her day and night to make sure she doesn’t make contact with-
M: It’s a man, 007. Two men to be accurate.
Bond: I see.
M: Here are their photos. (Passes photos to Bond.) You’ll have to judge for yourself if they are “stunningly attractive” or not.
Bond: Then no doubt you wish them to meet with accidents.
M: Accidents?
Bond: Yes, you know- “accidents” of the sort they have in Russia. Falling out of a window, perhaps, or catching some obscure nerve poison, or-
M: No, 007, not at all. War with China is not yet on our agenda.
Bond: Then what have I to do, sir?
M: These agents clearly have some vital information.
Bond: Clearly.
M: Have them report to Number 10 immediately- they need all the help they can get with schools falling down, the NHS falling apart, and the prison service crumbling.
Bond: Are you sure, sir?
M: Read the papers, 007- they say these spies have been transmitting intelligence to China. If they’ve discovered intelligence in our government, we need to know where it is immediately!
🤣🤣🤣
Thank you, Sir M.
The household of Ralph Fiennes. He and his wife lie fast asleep.
Ralph: (Muttering in his sleep.) Yes, down this way… I see the room… I can see His Majesty… I can see… No! Oh no, no, no!
Mrs Fiennes: Ralph! Ralph, wake up!
Ralph: (Waking up.) What? Oh, I understand. It was all just a dream.
Mrs Fiennes: Dream? That was no dream, that sounded like a nightmare!
Ralph: Yes, you’re right, my darling. It was only a nightmare.
Mrs Fiennes: Can you remember it? Can you remember what was happening?
Ralph: Yes, I remember. Oh, it was horrible- horrible!
Mrs Fiennes: Were you being eaten by Hannibal Lecter? You were in that film “Red Dragon”, after all, that was pretty scary.
Ralph: No, no, it was worse than that.
Mrs Fiennes: Was Harry Potter turning you into a small, weak creature?
Ralph: Much worse!
Mrs Fiennes: Did Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli tell you that they didn’t want you to play M any more?
Ralph: Oh, God, much worse, much, much worse.
Mrs Fiennes: Well, what was it?
Ralph: I was in Buckingham Palace…
Mrs Fiennes: So? You’ve been there before.
Ralph: Yes, but.. but.. I was being led to see the King.
Mrs Fiennes: And again, so? You’ve met him before.
Ralph: Yes, but he had a sword.
Mrs Fiennes: Oh no! Was he going to kill you?
Ralph: I wish he was going to kill me! In front of him was… was… a cushion.
Mrs Fiennes: (By now becoming impatient.) What’s scary about a cushion?
Ralph: It’s not the cushion- kneeling on the cushion was… was…
Mrs Fiennes: Yes???
Ralph: Colin Firth! He was being knighted!
Mrs Fiennes: It was only a dream, Ralph, my love. You’re just tense because Colin Firth got an Oscar and you haven’t got one.
Ralph: (Loud enough to wake the neighbours.) Yet!
Mrs Fiennes: (Quickly- she’s been here before.) Yes, of course, darling. Yet.
2023. “Variety”.
Variety brings you news that there are plans to bring a new James Bond movie to the screen in 2026, and it isn’t from Eon Productions. The producer of “Casino Royale 2” is none other than Charles K. Feldman III, grandson of the producer of the famous (some might say infamous) 1967 film starring David Niven as Bond, Peter Sellers, Ursula Andress, and a host of others. We caught up with him in Los Angeles.
Variety: Firstly, welcome and thank you for agreeing to be interviewed by us.
CKF: Not at all, it’s a pleasure.
Variety: Can you tell us a little about how all this came about?
CKF: It’s very simple, actually. When Wilson & Broccoli (Michael G. Wilson & Barbara Broccoli, owners of Eon Productions) made their deal with me to remake “Casino Royale” in 2006, I insisted that there be a clause ensuring that the rights returned to me after a period of twenty years.
Variety: That was a clever idea.
CKF: Yes, I learned that from my Uncle Kevin. So, in 2026 I could release another version of “Casino Royale”, which I decided against since the world already has more than enough versions of that story, or do what I’m doing- “Casino Royale 2”.
Variety: What can you tell us about it?
CKF: Well, of course, I don’t want to give too much away, but I can tell you that we’re in negotiations with Ursula Andress for her to return in a cameo role.
Variety: Wow, that’s quite a coup- it would make this her third James Bond movie!
CKF: I would say that was a first, but I believe Maud Adams might have something to say about that. Anyway, the original plan was to ask Woody Allen to make a brief appearance….
Variety: Oh?
CKF: …but our lawyers advised against that.
Variety: Some would say that we already have a “Casino Royale 2” in the form of “Quantum Of Solace”.
CKF: Yes, that’s true, but ours will have a decent song and a competent editor.
Variety: We’ve been avoiding the elephant in the room.
CKF: Ah, I’ve been waiting for this.
Variety: You already know what I’m going to ask you.
CKF: I believe so, but go ahead and ask me anyway.
Variety: The one question everyone wants an answer to. Who is going to play James Bond in your film?
CKF: Now there you have the $64,000 question- although in reality it’s a lot more money than that we’re talking about. This was one of the first questions I asked myself, and I came to a conclusion which I think is original.
Variety: You’ve invited George Lazenby back?
CKF: No, no. There is a major problem with casting this particular role. Half of the world want someone who is tall, dark, handsome, witty, and suave while the other half want another Daniel Craig.
Variety: So what conclusion did you arrive at?
CKF: Oh, it was very simple once I realised it. We’re not going to have a James Bond at all.
Variety: Say what now?
CKF: The big mistake my grandfather made with the 1967 film was having too many James Bonds. I’m going completely in the opposite direction with no James Bond whatsoever.
Variety: How does that work?
CKF: Again, it’s very simple. Vesper Lynd is going to be our main character and we are going to follow the film with her.
Variety: But.. but…
CKF: We’re already in negotiations with Eva Green to reprise her role.
Variety: But Vesper died at the end of the 2006 film!
CKF: It turns out the bitch wasn’t quite dead...
More chance of this being made than Bond26 at present 😳
Sadly, that's true. 🙁
1962. Eon HQ, still merely an office.
Harry: Thank you for coming in, Mr Roddenberry.
Gene: My pleasure, Mr Saltzman.
Cubby: Harry and I have been reading through your ideas for our James Bond film.
Gene: Yes?
Harry: And we have some thoughts to discuss with you. First of all, our hero is called James, not Jim.
Gene: Ah, but-
Cubby: People don’t call him Jim. This line here, it should be “It’s worse than that, he’s dead, James”, for example.
Gene: Well, all right, I can live with that.
Harry: And the villains, they come from an evil organisation called Spectre. It’s not a different planet.
Gene: Okay, I get that.
Cubby: What is this crazy dialogue you’ve got Felix Leiter saying? “Fascinating”? “That would be illogical”???
Gene: You don’t like that?
Harry: No, we don’t. Makes him sound like he's from another planet!
Gene: Ah, you see, his father-
Cubby: And the hero’s car is called an Aston Martin, not the USS Enterprise, whatever that may be.
Gene: Well, it’s a-
Cubby: Never mind, that’s not important.
Gene: Not important???? The Enterprise is not important???
Harry: And one more thing- his gun is a Walther PPK, not a phiser.
Gene: Phaser.
Harry: Whatever.
Cubby: So, all in all, we believe that you might be better plying your ideas elsewhere.
Gene: I see.
Harry: Live long and prosper, Gene.
Gene: (Grabbing a piece of paper.) Live… long… and prosper. Right, thanks gentlemen.
Inspired 🤣
Thanks, Sir Miles. 😊
1981. The household of John Hollis. John comes home.
John: Hello, honey, I’m home!
Mrs Hollis: Darling!
(Kiss, kiss.)
Mrs Hollis: Well?
John: Well what?
Mrs Hollis: You know fine well what. Did you get the part?
John: Oh, the part…. Yes!
Mrs Hollis: Wonderful!
(Kiss, kiss again.)
Mrs Hollis: So you’re going to be in a James Bond film, that’s great!
John: Well, great for you, you’re the James Bond fan. It’s only a job for me- I don’t know one James Bond film from another.
Mrs Hollis: What part did you get?
John: I’m a bad guy, one of the villains.
Mrs Hollis: And what’s the name of this bad guy?
John: That’s funny, they didn’t say. But they did tell me I have to shave my head.
Mrs Hollis: What?
John: That’s right, shave my head. And I have to sit in a chair and stroke a cat.
Mrs Hollis: A white cat?
John: That’s right, a white cat.
Mrs Hollis: You know what this means? You’re going to be Blofeld!
John: Blow who?
Mrs Hollis: Ernst Stavro Blofeld- James Bond’s archenemy! He has a bald head-
-well, usually, and he’s always stroking a white cat.
John: So?
Mrs Hollis: You’re going to be the big villain of this film! Oh, this is fantastic- my husband is going to be Ernst Stavro Blofeld, and he’s going to be the villain in a James Bond film. What’s the title of the movie, by the way?
John: It's called “For Your Eyes Only”.
Late 1964. A factory in Switzerland. A property agent is showing a prospective buyer around.
Agent: Ah, I see the boys are still working here- I’d hoped they would be finished by the time you arrived.
Buyer: Don’t worry, not a problem. What are they doing, anyway?
Agent: Just filling in some holes in the walls.
Buyer: Quite a few holes in the walls, apparently.
Agent: Mice, perhaps?
Buyer: Mice don’t make holes in solid stone.
Agent: Ah, well-
Buyer: And these holes all look the same size.
Agent: Really?
Buyer: About .38 if I’m not mistaken.
Agent: What a sharp eye you have. Let’s just go round this corner next … now don’t worry about the mess here, we’ll have it all cleared up before you take possession.
Buyer: I still haven’t decided if I’m going to go ahead with the purchase or not, remember?
Agent: Oh, of course, of course.
Buyer: What is this mess, anyway?
Agent: I really don’t know- a broken window, perhaps?
Buyer: (Looking around.) I don’t see any windows missing here. Wait a minute- that’s not pieces of a window, it’s a broken mirror!
Agent: Oh, is it?
Buyer: What would a mirror be doing here?
Agent: I’m afraid I don’t know.
Buyer: Hang on, what’s this?
(He bends and picks up a shiny badge.)
Agent: Oh, was that there?
Buyer: Yes, amongst the pieces of mirror.
Agent: I really have no idea. Shall we go in?
Buyer: I suppose so.
(They enter through a door.)
Agent: Now, this is an interesting room we have here. The lighting is most unusual.
Buyer: Unusual? I’d say unique.
Agent: Oh, you’ve seen one of these?
Buyer: Only in pictures. This is an industrial laser which emits an extraordinary light, unknown in nature.
Agent: Er… if you say so.
Buyer: It can project a spot on the moon or, at closer range, cut through solid metal. (He examines a nearby table.) Which it certainly appears to have done right here.
Agent: That’s really interesting. Now, if you’d care to come this way-
Buyer: What do we have over there?
Agent: Smelting works.
Buyer: That’s more normal, at least.
Agent: Er, all right.
Buyer: What happened to the previous owner, by the way?
Agent: Ah, he died, sadly. He fell out of a window.
Buyer: Was he in Russia at the time?
Agent: No, somewhere in America, I believe.
Buyer: How high was the window- second floor? Third floor?
Agent: About 35,000 feet- it was an airplane window.
🤣🤣🤣
Standards are still impeccable 🍸
Many thanks, boss. 😁
2023. A pub somewhere in Scotland. BondFan and his Best Friend Forever are having drinks.
BFF: So, when’s there going to be a new James Bond movie, then?
BondFan: (Drinks some beer.) Don’t know.
BFF: Don’t know? That’s not like you! You normally know these things. Well, what’s it going to be called, then?
BondFan: (Drinks more beer.) Don’t know.
BFF: What?
BondFan: (Finishes the beer.) Don’t know.
BFF: Oh, I heard you, I just wanted to be sure what you said. So, who’s going to be James Bond?
BondFan: (Has switched to whisky.) Don’t know.
BFF: This is ridiculous. Tell me, IS there going to be a new James Bond movie at all?
BondFan: (Downing more whisky.) Don’t know.
BFF: This just isn’t like you.
BondFan: (Swallowing the last of the whisky, rather shakily.) Yesh, It’sh shad, ishn’t it?
BFF: Ah, Sean Connery impressions- now that IS like you!
🤣 think we’ve ALL had this conversation over the past 6 months 😞🫣
Sadly, yes. 🙁 Not much of the above was imaginary.
I was going to say that that sounds like a real conversation 😂
1979. A hotel in Rio de Janeiro. John Barry sits in the bar, steadily throwing alcohol down his throat as Cubby Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson walk up to him.
Cubby: John!
John: Oh, hello, Cubby. Like a drink?
(He signals to the barman.)
Cubby: Just a soda for me.
MGW: Me too.
John: And I’ll have another jouble Dack Daniels…. I mean, double Jack Daniels.
(The barman moves away.)
Cubby: You sure you’re drinking enough of that stuff, John?
John: As much as I can manage, I’ve only got one mouth.
(The barman returns with the drinks.)
MGW: Anyway, how have you been doing about getting us a singer?
John: Not so good. I started with Kate Bush, like you said.
Cubby: How did that go?
John: She told me to run up a hill, so next I tried Johnny Mathis.
MGW: And?
John: He said I should come back some other time.
Cubby: So that only left….
John: Frank Sinatra. He said he would only do it if he could do it… his way.
Cubby: Ah, right. Any other ideas?
(As John begins to shake his head, two small poodles enter the bar. They are on leads being held by a startling figure. It’s a strikingly beautiful woman, wearing a dramatic evening gown sparkling with gems that may or may not be imitation (my money’s on not.) matching the glistening tiara crowning her immaculately coiffured hair. She is being followed by two attendants, each holding up a corner of her cape. John’s eyes widen in recognition.)
John: Shirley!
Shirley: John!!!
(She blows air kisses either side of his head, graciously not wincing at the smell of whiskey radiating from him.)
John: But what are you doing here?
Shirley: I have a concert tomorrow night. And you?
John: We’re making the new James Bond film, “Moonraker”. You remember Cubby, of course?
Cubby: Hi, Shirley.
Shirley: Cubby, darling! And…
Cubby: My stepson, Michael.
MGW: Hello, Miss Bassey.
Shirley: Oh, Shirley, please! How you’ve grown! I remember you were just a young lad when Cubby put you in that scene in “Goldfinger” where you-
John: Yes, yes, we remember. Listen, Shirley, I have a favour to ask you.
Shirley: For you, John, darling, anything.
John: Well, you remember that you’ve sung two James Bond film songs?
Shirley: And it should have been three! You remember “Mr Kiss-
John: Of course, of course. Now, how would you like to make it three for real?
Shirley: Mmmmm?
John: Yes, how would you like to sing our title song?
Shirley: “Moonraker”? Sounds strange, but yes, of course I will!
John: Wonderful- here’s the address, just drop by the studio in the morning.
Shirley: But what shall I wear?
John: Just something casual.
Shirley: I know the perfect thing.
Bless !
😁
New poll (2020): Who do you want as the next James Bond? - Page 50 — ajb007
September 2023. Eon HQ, behind a false wall in a hotel in Tangier. BB comes bursting into the office, a magazine in her hand.
BB: Michael!
MGW: (Awakening from a lovely dream in which he’d taken more time over “Quantum Of Solace”.) Hmmm? What?
BB: Are you sleeping again?
Gregg: Give him a break, Aunt Barbara, he’s tired out after staying awake during “Film Stars Don’t Die In Liverpool”.
BB: Never mind that, look at this!
(She displays the magazine in her hand.)
MGW: What’s that you’ve got there?
BB: It’s “Production Weekly”. And it says that we are starting production on Bond 26! Look, see there?
MGW: Oh yeah, so it does. Right after “Blocco 181 02”, whatever that is, and before “The Book Of Jobs”.
Gregg: That’s right.
BB: Well????
MGW: Well what, Barbara?
BB: Does this mean we’re actually going to… going to…
MGW: Take a deep breath, now, honey.
Gregg: Yes, take your time there, Aunt Barbara.
BB: (Taking a deep breath and finally blurting it out.) Does this mean we’re actually going to start production??? And you didn’t consult me???
MGW: Don’t look at me, I didn’t tell them anything.
Gregg: Actually, it was me.
BB/MGW: What???
Gregg: I have to get in practice. Look, a hundred times a week people announce films that are going into production. Maybe 10% of them actually do, and maybe half of those finally reach a cinema somewhere.
BB: Yes, but none of those are James Bond films!
MGW: Quiet, Barbara, I think I see where he’s going with this.
Gregg: Thanks, Dad. Look, this is a list of films that are going into production.
BB: Yes?
Gregg: But it doesn’t say- it never says- how long that production is going to take!
MGW: And so we can take as long as we like-
Gregg: -blaming any delays on, oh, the actors’ strike or the writers’ strike-
MGW: -or waiting for the director we want-
Gregg: -just like we did with “Spectre”-
MGW: - or just do what we usually do-
All Together: -say nothing at all!
BB: Genius, Gregg.
Gregg: Thanks, Aunt Barbara.
MGW: Now will you all go away, please? It’s time for my morning nap.
(BB and Gregg quietly leave, tactfully not pointing out that it’s 2pm.)
1962. Kingston, Jamaica. A band have just finished performing a song in what will be Pussfeller’s bar to an audience of one- director of “Dr No” Terence Young.
Terence: Thank you very much, gentlemen.
Bandleader: You be hiring us for your movie, mister?
Terence: Ah, no, I don’t think so, but thank you anyway for-
Bandleader: No? You want to tell us why?
Terence: Well, for one thing, I wasn’t too keen on your song. We distinctly told you that we wanted you to perform the song “Jump Up” because that is what we want to be heard in our motion picture. Our composer plagia- er, wrote it himself.
Bandleader: Rarse, mon, that song be a pile of-
Terence: Nevertheless it is the song we require the band we hire to play in our film.
Bandleader: We writes our songs ourselves!
Terence: Yes, well, and for another thing we definitely gave you the suits which we want our band to wear.
Bandleader: Me and the boys never gonna wear those kind of clothes.
Terence: Well we can’t let you wear those clothes you are wearing. And the hair as well, it’s much too long.
Bandleader: Too long?
Terence: And that hairstyle, we can’t have that.
Bandleader: You ain’t gonna get no band here that wears their hair like yours, mon!
Terence: Oh, but we already have.
Terence: And they wear the suits we asked for, as well. I just wanted a look at another band to be sure I was doing the right thing.
Bandleader: Ha!
Terence: I’m not too keen on those cigars you keep smoking, either.
Bandleader: Cigars?
(He turns to the band, who laugh scornfully.)
Terence: Anyway, thank you for turning up and I’m sure you’ll find your opportunity sooner or later.
Bandleader: Right. Thank you, Mr Young.
Terence: And thank you, Mr Marley.
Bravissimo! (I've just watched the opera episode of a song contest show on TV)
Grazie! (Did you enjoy it? I'm not an opera fan)
1981. The Diary of John Gardner.
Monday. Wrote about 800 words today, not bad. I’ve been concentrating on the MI6 staff today. Glidrose tell me I’m not allowed to use the “Q” character, but I can have Major Boothroyd give Bond his guns and gadgets. I’m finding that rather boring, so have come up with an attractive young lady working in Q Branch to do that. Can’t think of a good name for her. It has to be the right one, something cute.
Tuesday. Good day, managed over 1000 words. Mentioned the Saab as often as possible; well, that’s only polite considering. I must think of ways to use the gadgets it has.
Struggling for a title. Thought of “Licence Revoked” then decided that some people might think it was about someone having their driving licence taken away. Then thought of “Licence To Kill” but it seemed a bit unexciting, so settled on “Licence Renewed” which works on a meta level.
Wednesday. Only 600 words today. I got distracted, had to do an interview with the TLS. Tried hard not to be sarcastic about this being the first time they’ve been interested in me and I’ve been writing for years. Bestsellers some of them, and a couple of movies, too. The magic of the Bond name, I suppose.
Thursday. Did over 1000 words again. If I keep on at this pace I’ll be finished soon and can start on one of my own books. I never think of the Bond stories as my own, as I do with the Boysie Oakes books.
Friday. 900 words today. I’ve got Bond fighting with a henchman in the cargo compartment of an airborne plane before the henchman falls from a great height.. He’s not done that before, and if this book ever gets filmed this will be a highlight. I’m sure the filmmakers won’t use the idea before then.
Several more Gardner diary entries to follow? 👏🏻
@Barbel said:
Terence: I’m not too keen on those cigars you keep smoking, either.
Bandleader: Cigars?
(He turns to the band, who laugh scornfully.)
Terence: Anyway, thank you for turning up and I’m sure you’ll find your opportunity sooner or later.
Bandleader: Right. Thank you, Mr Young.
Terence: And thank you, Mr Marley.
_______________________________________________________
I think this coulda happened. Chris Blackwell was Blanche Blackwell's son and was helping the filmcrew hire local talent and find locations, according to the Goldeneye book. he may already have known Bob Marley
photos of the Wailers from the mid60s do show them with short hair and matching suits, I think they mightve been trying to look like The impressions as they covered some of their songs, eg People Get Ready
You learn something new every day! Thanks for that, @caractacus potts, I clearly didn't expect it or I would have written that piece differently. We can imagine a world where the Wailers did get that job - maybe someone might like to write a piece about that? 😁
@Sir Miles, I believe I'll find another entry from Gardner's diary overnight and share it tomorrow.