Monday: An interesting call from my literary agent. Apparently I’ve to go to a meeting tomorrow with the people from Eon! He didn’t say why but it’s obvious: at last, they’re going to make a film from one of my James Bond books. Not before time, I say. They’ve been using parts of my books uncredited for years. I nearly wrote to them about using the airship in “A View To a Kill” a year after I’d had one in “Role Of Honour” but decided against it.
Tuesday: Well, that was a bit of a letdown. Turns out they don’t want to make a film out of one of my Bond books after all. Quite the reverse, actually: they want me to make a book out of one of their Bond films. The Broccoli chap was very nice, but he’s getting on a bit and his son or son-in-law or something did most of the talking. They think I’m the best man for this job, and I’ll probably enjoy doing it. We’ll see about that.
Wednesday: It’s quite an easy job turning the screenplay into a novel, but not a satisfying one. I can’t wait to get back to creating my own story, I can go wherever I like with it rather than have to follow what someone else has created. One good thing, though, I can finally call Q “Q”.
Thursday: I ran up against a major problem today. My books follow on from Ian Fleming’s, of course, so whenever Felix Leiter turns up he’s limping around after a shark in “Live And Let Die” chewed off one of his legs and an arm to boot. Not that one boots an arm, but you see where I’m heading. Anyway, this film has Felix being chewed by a shark for the first time in the film series since it wasn't included in the film of "Live And Let Die". How am I supposed to reconcile that with book Felix having suffered the shark attack years ago, and gone through the rest of Fleming’s novels plus mine with an artificial leg and a hook for a hand?
Friday: I finally solved that problem, I hope in a satisfactory way for the readers. Now I have to figure out how James Bond meets Milton Krest for the first time here when he already met him (and his boat, the Wavekrest) in "The Hildebrand Rarity". One thing’s for sure: I’m never going to novelise another film again!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,929Chief of Staff
This is a treasure trove of delights 😀
YNWA 97
Silhouette ManThe last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,870MI6 Agent
edited September 2023
Great stuff, @Barbel. John Gardner definitely found the film novelisations hard work and even said he'd only do the one after LTK was completed! I think it was a mistake for Gardner to have Leiter be attacked by the shark twice - that led to some rather silly stuff about "lightning sometimes striking twice". There was also the inconsistency of having Milton Krest be a character even though he died in 'THR'! All this goes to show that the Wood and Benson approach of detaching their film novelisations from the Fleming novels (or in Benson's case) his own original novels was no doubt the best course of action. Some nice use of irony there too regarding the title, the Saab product placement and especially the cargo fight with Caber in Licence Renewed which was pinched for Bond's fight with Necros in TLD. Gardner did have his work sneakily adapted in some of the 1980s Bond films but sadly he was never credited as Eon could always say it was a kind of "generic thriller idea" they'd coincidentally just had at the same time. And Q'ute was indeed cute, but not for every reader it seems. 😀
"The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
Did Gardner watch the Bond movies? I thought I read somewhere that when he got the gig to write he stopped watching them lest he get distracted by 'movie Bond'. But, I bet even if he didn't, he must have heard Eon had pinched a load of his ideas. Frankly, I was amazed they didn't pinch Q'ute when Desmond called it a day.
Silhouette ManThe last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,870MI6 Agent
Yes, Gardner said in interviews that he hadn't seen a new Bond film since he was commissioned by Glidrose to write some new Bond continuation novels in 1979. He said that he didn't want to be influenced in any way by the Bond films of the day. Sadly Q'ute seems to garner a lot of negative attention with people calling her corny but she's used rather sparingly by Gardner after her initial appearance in Licence Renewed.
"The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
1982. A record fair in London. A young man with dreadlocks looks idly through some reggae albums.
Man: Hey, there.
Stallholder: Hello, my friend. Are you after anything special?
Man: Yeah, well, I’m looking for some Bob Marley.
Stallholder: Got a few Marley albums right there in front of you.
Man: Yeah, that’s just the normal stuff. You got anything, y’know, special? (He looks left and right.) Like, unofficial?
Stallholder: Oh, you mean bootlegs.
Man: Sssh! Hey, quiet, man!
Stallholder: Relax, relax. No-one cares here.
Man: You sure?
Stallholder: ‘Course I’m sure, been selling here for years. Been through Elvis bootlegs, Beatles bootlegs, you name it. That guy there (Points.), he’s your man for Zep stuff. Him over there (Points again.), he does the Stones.
Man: What about that guy there, the one with nobody looking through his stall?
Stallholder: Oh, he does the Osmonds. Now, you were asking me about Marley. You want some Bob?
Man: That’s right.
Stallholder: Well, have a look at this. (He brings an album out from under the counter. Pictured on the front are Bob Marley and The Wailers, looking distinctly out of character with short hair and neat suits.) Bet you’ve never seen that before, eh?
Man: Never.
(He reaches out a hand to touch the mysterious vinyl album.)
Stallholder: Hey, don’t fondle the merchandise!
Man: Sorry. What is it?
Stallholder: This? This is the Holy Grail, my son, that’s what it is. The Holy Grail of Bob Marley music.
Man: What’s on it? Live somewhere in Kingston? Sessions for Chris Blackwell?
Stallholder: Nah, that’s kid stuff. This is the “Dr No” sessions!
Man: What????
Stallholder: Yeah, not just the stuff any fool can buy on the soundtrack album- this is the complete, uncut recording sessions!
Man: It can’t be- you mean to tell me this is (His eyes widen and his voice trembles in awe.) “Bob Meets Bond”?
Stallholder: Yes, this is it.
Man: I'd heard of it, but I was beginning to think it didn't really exist. This album is... is... it's legendary.
Stallholder: Well, here it is. Just waiting to be all yours.
Man: Seven takes of “Jump Up”?
Stallholder: Eight.
Man: The version of “Under The Mango Tree” with the unadulterated lyrics?
Stallholder: Oh yeah. Definitely. Tells you what him and his honey really got up to under that damned tree, not all this boo-la-boo nonsense.
Man: The fabled 12 minute version of “Kingston Calypso”?
Stallholder: Two different takes.
Man: Bob arguing with Monty Norman over who gets the composing credits?
Stallholder: You bet, with some unexpurgated language there that nobody thought would ever see the light of day. Plus…
Man: Yes??? Plus????
Stallholder: An early take of a song called “No Honey No Cry” that didn’t make it into the film, but did become a hit later after some rewriting.
Man: Okay, I’m sold. How much do you want?
Stallholder: Ah well, you’ve gotta understand, something like this doesn’t come along very often. This is only the second one I’ve ever seen.
Man: Never mind that. Just tell me how much?
Stallholder: Fifty quid.
Man: Make it forty and you’ve got a deal.
Stallholder: Done.
(Money and vinyl change hands.)
Stallholder: Pleasure doing business with you.
Man: And you.
(As the man wanders happily off, the stallholder rubs the dust off about a dozen copies of “Bob Meets Bond” under the counter.)
now I want to find this record! or at least help spread the rumour it exists...
one reason I like this Imaginary Conversation is I have spent many Sunday afternoons at record collector shows here in Ontario, and "live/rare" vinyl bootlegs were one item I was always hoping to find, though I was mostly looking for Floyd, Bowie and Genesis. so the dialog rings true: kids, do your research first, don't just believe the dealer's hype!
Like you, I spent many a happy time, and too much money, at record fairs. And like you I enjoy Genesis and have some unofficial stuff though today that's on CD.
1962. The home of Barry Nelson. He is walking agitatedly up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone.
Mrs Nelson: Oh sit down, Barry, won’t you?
Barry: I can’t, I just can’t!
Mrs Nelson: (Watching her carpet getting worn away.) Sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of coffee.
Barry: Coffee? I can’t think about coffee!
Mrs Nelson: Look, if they want you they’ll phone you, won’t they?
Barry: I can’t take the chance of missing their call. I want to be able to answer that phone the second it rings!
Mrs Nelson: If it rings.
Barry: Oh, they have to phone me! I’m the only guy who’s ever played the part before.
Mrs Nelson: (Dubiously.) Well, there was that man in South Africa….
Barry: That was on radio, it doesn’t count.
Mrs Nelson: And weren’t they supposed to be thinking about someone like Cary Grant or David Niven?
Barry: They would be too expensive, I know this film is being shot on a tight budget.
Mrs Nelson: Well, even so, you haven’t heard anything that suggests they will phone you.
Barry: I know that, but the fact remains- I am the only actor who’s played James Bond before so that gives me the best chance of getting it again.
Mrs Nelson: To be exact, you didn’t play James Bond.
Barry: Yes I did! I was in “Casino Royale” in 1954!
Mrs Nelson: But you were really playing “Card Sense Jimmy Bond”, weren’t you?
Barry: Well, if you put it that way…
Mrs Nelson: And they’re not looking for someone to play Card Sense Jimmy Bond in this one, are they?
Barry: No, but-
Mrs Nelson: In fact, I’ve heard that there’s only one quick scene with him playing cards at the start and the rest of the time he’s on some Caribbean island or other.
Barry: (Sadly.) Jamaica.
Mrs Nelson: Jamaica. So not much to do with cards.
Barry: No, I suppose you’re right.
Mrs Nelson: And I have also heard that they have some Irish or Scottish fellow ready to play Bond.
Barry: (Defeated.) Yeah… I’ve heard that, too.
Mrs Nelson: So, you might as well…?
Barry: I might as well sit down.
(He sits down, looking very deflated.)
Mrs Nelson: Never mind, darling, all is not yet lost.
Barry: Huh? How do you mean?
Mrs Nelson: They might want you to play his friend.
Barry: His friend?
Mrs Nelson: Yes, you might end up playing Leiter.
Barry: Leiter! (He perks up.) Yes, I might end up playing Clarence Leiter!
Read no further if you intend to read "Never Send Flowers"
The Diary of John Gardner. 1993
Monday: Had a reply back from Disney in the post. They're quite happy with me using Disneyland as the climactic location in my new Bond book, as long as I don't paint them in an unflattering light. That's fine with me, it's my villain who I'm going to paint that way!
Tuesday: I haven't had a reply back from the Royal Family, and to be honest I didn't think that I would have. Back when I was writing "The Liquidator" all those years ago I certainly didn't ask if I could use Prince Philip, I just went ahead and used him. Of course, my profile is a bit higher these days and naturally a new James Bond book gets more attention than a first novel from an unknown author.
Wednesday: Have to think up a good villain for this book. As everyone knows, a Bond story rises or falls by how memorable the villain is. Seriously, you can't go too far over the top when putting one together. Start with a ridiculous name: Fleming gave us the models for that, so I always start there. Pick one.... Goldfinger will do, then play around with it. Add in part of another Fleming name, let's say Drax. His real name was Drache which is German for dragon. So, that gives us Dragonfinger. Not bad, how about Dragonfoot? Dragonshoulder? No, Dragonhead is better. I'll think about it for a while.
Thursday: I’ve had to think up some features for my villain, whose name I have finally decided will be Dragonpol. I have to give him something unusual, such as Dr No’s hands, so I settled on making him twins, one deaf and mute at birth (though he recovers speech and hearing later, still to decide how), and Bond doesn’t find out about this till near the end. I’ll also make him a famous actor who goes around murdering people. There, that should do it.
Friday: Almost as hard is thinking up a good female lead, or at least thinking up her name. It has to be somewhat exotic. After running through some ideas, each more outlandish than the last, I picked Flicka. Now some may say that sounds like a horse’s name but it’s short for Fredericka, and she can be a Swiss agent; that hasn’t been done before.
Also decided to change the location for the climax to EuroDisney. It’s much closer to home and it’ll be easier for me to do the necessary research.
Silhouette ManThe last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,870MI6 Agent
Great stuff, @Barbel. It's good to see a diary entry for one of my favourite John Gardner Bond continuation novels! 😀
"The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,929Chief of Staff
Interesting diary entry there…although his slapdash thinking explains a very poor Bond novel 😳😉👷🏻♂️
YNWA 97
Silhouette ManThe last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,870MI6 Agent
A year well in the future (I hope). Bondfan dies in his sleep after a long and happy life. He is met at the gates of Double O Heaven by none other than Cubby Broccoli himself.
Cubby: Welcome, Bondfan.
Bondfan: What? How did you know I was coming?
Cubby: I have been… expecting you. (Grins widely.)
Bondfan: Well, I’m delighted to be here. And by the way, where is here?
Cubby: Ah, straight from “Goldfinger”, and no doubt you could quote many other lines from Bond movies. Which is why you’re here- welcome to Double O Heaven.
Bondfan: (Beginning to understand; he can be a bit slow on the uptake.) Double O Heaven!
Cubby: Let me show you around.
(Cubby takes the new entrant by the arm and begins to lead him around. Shortly they arrive at a large, opulent chamber with many people inside.)
Cubby: Now, in here we have the casino. Take a look.
(Bondfan looks in. There, at a familiar looking card table, sit Sir Sean Connery and Sir Roger Moore. Both men are in their prime and both wear tuxedos- Connery in black, Moore in white.)
Sir Roger: I’ll take seven diamonds- double O seven, of course.
(The onlooking beautiful young ladies gasp and murmur.)
Sir Sean: I’ll shee your sheven diamondsh and raishe you sheven more.
(The ladies gasp even more.)
Cubby: Now, if you’ll come with me…
Bondfan: No, wait- I’d like to shee, I mean see who wins.
Cubby: Nobody wins, my boy, don’t you understand? The game goes on eternally.
Bondfan: Ah, of course! Because-
Cubby: - diamonds are for ever, naturally. Now, look over there.
(A huge open area is in front of them. Men are swinging on ropes from helicopters, climbing up cliffs, falling out of planes without parachutes, running along the tops of speeding trains, and so on.)
Bondfan: The stuntmen!
Cubby: Yes indeed, the stuntmen. Where would James Bond be without them? Here they can do the most dangerous stunts day after day forever.
Bondfan: Wonderful!
Cubby: Now, next we have the music room.
(He indicates the doors to, presumably, a music studio. The doors are closed and from behind them can be heard a furious row with much swearing and possibly fists striking faces, chairs being broken over heads, and so on.)
Bondfan: What’s going on in there?
Cubby: It’s been going on for a long time and I think it will be going on for eternity. John Barry is just having a quiet word with Monty Norman.
Bondfan: Aha!
Cubby: Yes, them too.
Bondfan: Can I have a look?
Cubby: Well, I don’t know…
Bondfan: Let me just open the door a bit and put my head in.
Cubby: (Doubtfully.) Well, all right but let’s be discreet about it.
Bondfan: “A View To A Kill”, the Minister, in M’s office.
Cubby: It wasn’t mean to be a quote!
(Bondfan carefully opens the door and has a quick look.)
Cubby: Well?
Bondfan: I think John is trying to give Monty a trumpet lesson, although I’m not convinced he’s going the right way about it.
Cubby: Now if you’ll just come over here…
Bondfan: Hey, stop- what’s that there? Looks like a 100 metre high brick wall!
Cubby: Sssh, not so loud. That’s where we keep the Daniel Craig fans. They think they’re the only ones here.
BondFan: (Embarrassed.) Yes, well, I don’t think we should go in there, you know?
Cubby: You misunderstand me, my boy. This isn’t a ladies bathroom- nobody here needs to go to the bathroom, we’re in Heaven, remember?
BondFan: Ah, yes…
Cubby: This is a room especially for the ladies who have been in Bond’s world back on Earth.
(He goes in, with an unsure BondFan following.)
Cubby: Look, there’s Lois Maxwell. Hi, Lois!
Lois: Hi, Cubby! (Blows him a kiss.)
BondFan: (Starstruck.) Wow, Lois Maxwell!
Cubby: And here’s Tanya Roberts.
Tanya: Help me, James! James!
Cubby: We’ve tried to persuade her to say other things, but she’s fixated on that.
Tanya: James! Help me!
BondFan: Well, she said it so often back then it’s understandable.
Cubby: I think that’s enough here for just now. If you’d follow me…
(They head to another room which is full of typewriters at desks, all being furiously pounded at. At the front is a raised podium, where a golden typewriter sits with no-one working at it.)
Cubby: The writers’ room.
BondFan: Yes, I see. There’s John Gardner, and there’s Christopher Wood. But what’s with the typewriter at the front?
Cubby: I would have thought that the fact it’s plated in gold might have given you an idea.
BondFan: It’s Ian Fleming! That’s Fleming’s typewriter!
Cubby: Took you a while, I thought you would have been quicker than that what with having been a lifelong Bond fan.
BondFan: It’s just that there’s a lot to take in. But where is he…?
Cubby: (Smiling.) Go on, Mr BondFan.
BondFan: Not with the stuntmen. Perhaps at the casino…? No, he’s at the nearest bar! Or maybe in the Ladies’ Room!
Cubby: Don’t you mean, “Five’ll get you ten it’s a drink or a dame”?
Voice: (From somewhere behind a typewriter.) Hey! That’s my line!
BondFan: (Awed.) Richard Maibaum!
Cubby: Yes, Dick, but I paid you to write it so it’s mine now.
Richard: Hmph.
Cubby: Now, let’s move on.
(They exit, then enter the next room. It’s full of clothes rails and hangers, with hundreds of tuxedos, thousands of beautiful dresses, millions of shoes, all being tended by dozens of hard-working ladies and a few men.)
BondFan: The costume department?
Cubby: Yes, indeed. Here is where all the people who have been behind the wonderful clothes worn by the casts of the Bond films end up.
BondFan: Magnificent! But there seems to be some clothes missing.
Cubby: Missing? Whose would those be?
BondFan: I don’t see any of the clothes Grace Jones wore.
(The entire staff of dress designers and costumers all shriek simultaneously, throwing their hands in the air and running for cover.)
BondFan: …Was it something I said?
Cubby: You can criticise their work. You can run down the colours and designs they choose. But you must never… NEVER! say that name in here again.
BondFan: (Head hanging.) Yes, Cubby.
Cubby: If you do, I’ll send you down below to live with he-who-must-not-be-named for ever.
BondFan: Oh, you mean Kevin Mc-
Cubby: Utter one more syllable and I’ll have you shot!
BondFan: "Casino Royale", M to Bond, in her apartment.
Cubby: Enough!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,929Chief of Staff
Comments
At the request of @Sir Miles
1989. The diary of John Gardner.
Monday: An interesting call from my literary agent. Apparently I’ve to go to a meeting tomorrow with the people from Eon! He didn’t say why but it’s obvious: at last, they’re going to make a film from one of my James Bond books. Not before time, I say. They’ve been using parts of my books uncredited for years. I nearly wrote to them about using the airship in “A View To a Kill” a year after I’d had one in “Role Of Honour” but decided against it.
Tuesday: Well, that was a bit of a letdown. Turns out they don’t want to make a film out of one of my Bond books after all. Quite the reverse, actually: they want me to make a book out of one of their Bond films. The Broccoli chap was very nice, but he’s getting on a bit and his son or son-in-law or something did most of the talking. They think I’m the best man for this job, and I’ll probably enjoy doing it. We’ll see about that.
Wednesday: It’s quite an easy job turning the screenplay into a novel, but not a satisfying one. I can’t wait to get back to creating my own story, I can go wherever I like with it rather than have to follow what someone else has created. One good thing, though, I can finally call Q “Q”.
Thursday: I ran up against a major problem today. My books follow on from Ian Fleming’s, of course, so whenever Felix Leiter turns up he’s limping around after a shark in “Live And Let Die” chewed off one of his legs and an arm to boot. Not that one boots an arm, but you see where I’m heading. Anyway, this film has Felix being chewed by a shark for the first time in the film series since it wasn't included in the film of "Live And Let Die". How am I supposed to reconcile that with book Felix having suffered the shark attack years ago, and gone through the rest of Fleming’s novels plus mine with an artificial leg and a hook for a hand?
Friday: I finally solved that problem, I hope in a satisfactory way for the readers. Now I have to figure out how James Bond meets Milton Krest for the first time here when he already met him (and his boat, the Wavekrest) in "The Hildebrand Rarity". One thing’s for sure: I’m never going to novelise another film again!
This is a treasure trove of delights 😀
Great stuff, @Barbel. John Gardner definitely found the film novelisations hard work and even said he'd only do the one after LTK was completed! I think it was a mistake for Gardner to have Leiter be attacked by the shark twice - that led to some rather silly stuff about "lightning sometimes striking twice". There was also the inconsistency of having Milton Krest be a character even though he died in 'THR'! All this goes to show that the Wood and Benson approach of detaching their film novelisations from the Fleming novels (or in Benson's case) his own original novels was no doubt the best course of action. Some nice use of irony there too regarding the title, the Saab product placement and especially the cargo fight with Caber in Licence Renewed which was pinched for Bond's fight with Necros in TLD. Gardner did have his work sneakily adapted in some of the 1980s Bond films but sadly he was never credited as Eon could always say it was a kind of "generic thriller idea" they'd coincidentally just had at the same time. And Q'ute was indeed cute, but not for every reader it seems. 😀
Did Gardner watch the Bond movies? I thought I read somewhere that when he got the gig to write he stopped watching them lest he get distracted by 'movie Bond'. But, I bet even if he didn't, he must have heard Eon had pinched a load of his ideas. Frankly, I was amazed they didn't pinch Q'ute when Desmond called it a day.
Yes, Gardner said in interviews that he hadn't seen a new Bond film since he was commissioned by Glidrose to write some new Bond continuation novels in 1979. He said that he didn't want to be influenced in any way by the Bond films of the day. Sadly Q'ute seems to garner a lot of negative attention with people calling her corny but she's used rather sparingly by Gardner after her initial appearance in Licence Renewed.
Thank you, everyone.
1982. A record fair in London. A young man with dreadlocks looks idly through some reggae albums.
Man: Hey, there.
Stallholder: Hello, my friend. Are you after anything special?
Man: Yeah, well, I’m looking for some Bob Marley.
Stallholder: Got a few Marley albums right there in front of you.
Man: Yeah, that’s just the normal stuff. You got anything, y’know, special? (He looks left and right.) Like, unofficial?
Stallholder: Oh, you mean bootlegs.
Man: Sssh! Hey, quiet, man!
Stallholder: Relax, relax. No-one cares here.
Man: You sure?
Stallholder: ‘Course I’m sure, been selling here for years. Been through Elvis bootlegs, Beatles bootlegs, you name it. That guy there (Points.), he’s your man for Zep stuff. Him over there (Points again.), he does the Stones.
Man: What about that guy there, the one with nobody looking through his stall?
Stallholder: Oh, he does the Osmonds. Now, you were asking me about Marley. You want some Bob?
Man: That’s right.
Stallholder: Well, have a look at this. (He brings an album out from under the counter. Pictured on the front are Bob Marley and The Wailers, looking distinctly out of character with short hair and neat suits.) Bet you’ve never seen that before, eh?
Man: Never.
(He reaches out a hand to touch the mysterious vinyl album.)
Stallholder: Hey, don’t fondle the merchandise!
Man: Sorry. What is it?
Stallholder: This? This is the Holy Grail, my son, that’s what it is. The Holy Grail of Bob Marley music.
Man: What’s on it? Live somewhere in Kingston? Sessions for Chris Blackwell?
Stallholder: Nah, that’s kid stuff. This is the “Dr No” sessions!
Man: What????
Stallholder: Yeah, not just the stuff any fool can buy on the soundtrack album- this is the complete, uncut recording sessions!
Man: It can’t be- you mean to tell me this is (His eyes widen and his voice trembles in awe.) “Bob Meets Bond”?
Stallholder: Yes, this is it.
Man: I'd heard of it, but I was beginning to think it didn't really exist. This album is... is... it's legendary.
Stallholder: Well, here it is. Just waiting to be all yours.
Man: Seven takes of “Jump Up”?
Stallholder: Eight.
Man: The version of “Under The Mango Tree” with the unadulterated lyrics?
Stallholder: Oh yeah. Definitely. Tells you what him and his honey really got up to under that damned tree, not all this boo-la-boo nonsense.
Man: The fabled 12 minute version of “Kingston Calypso”?
Stallholder: Two different takes.
Man: Bob arguing with Monty Norman over who gets the composing credits?
Stallholder: You bet, with some unexpurgated language there that nobody thought would ever see the light of day. Plus…
Man: Yes??? Plus????
Stallholder: An early take of a song called “No Honey No Cry” that didn’t make it into the film, but did become a hit later after some rewriting.
Man: Okay, I’m sold. How much do you want?
Stallholder: Ah well, you’ve gotta understand, something like this doesn’t come along very often. This is only the second one I’ve ever seen.
Man: Never mind that. Just tell me how much?
Stallholder: Fifty quid.
Man: Make it forty and you’ve got a deal.
Stallholder: Done.
(Money and vinyl change hands.)
Stallholder: Pleasure doing business with you.
Man: And you.
(As the man wanders happily off, the stallholder rubs the dust off about a dozen copies of “Bob Meets Bond” under the counter.)
now I want to find this record! or at least help spread the rumour it exists...
one reason I like this Imaginary Conversation is I have spent many Sunday afternoons at record collector shows here in Ontario, and "live/rare" vinyl bootlegs were one item I was always hoping to find, though I was mostly looking for Floyd, Bowie and Genesis. so the dialog rings true: kids, do your research first, don't just believe the dealer's hype!
Like you, I spent many a happy time, and too much money, at record fairs. And like you I enjoy Genesis and have some unofficial stuff though today that's on CD.
Writers celebrate WGA deal with pay bump and streaming bonuses (msn.com)
September 2023. Eon HQ inside a huge supertanker. Purvis and Wade sit in their dungeon.
Purvis: I hear they’ve finally announced production on Bond26, then.
Wade: What? Where did you hear that?
Purvis: Well, I read it, really. It was in “Production Weekly” on 21st September.
Wade: So, it’s official then. Production has started.
Purvis: I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but they haven’t got a script.
Wade: Not much we can do about that- we’re on strike, remember?
Purvis: Yes, the writers’ strike. We’re in the union.
Wade: We have those big hats saying MAGA.
Purvis: They say WGA, Robert, MAGA is something else entirely.
Wade: Oh, yeah.
Purvis: Anyway, we can relax a bit longer because we’re still on strike.
Wade: That’s true, we don’t have to worry about hearing that voice shouting “Purvis! Wade! Get in here!”
(At this point a message starts to emerge from Wade’s watch.)
Purvis: What? What does that say?
Wade: It says… WGA strike is over.
Purvis: Oh no- you know what that means….
BB: (From off.) Purvis! Wade! Get in here!
Purvis: Yes, Barbara!
Wade: Right away, Barbara!
^^^
Purvis: I hear they’ve finally announced production on Bond26, then.
As soon as I read this I knew it was in the imaginary conversations thread 😁
😁😁😁
1962. The home of Barry Nelson. He is walking agitatedly up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone.
Mrs Nelson: Oh sit down, Barry, won’t you?
Barry: I can’t, I just can’t!
Mrs Nelson: (Watching her carpet getting worn away.) Sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of coffee.
Barry: Coffee? I can’t think about coffee!
Mrs Nelson: Look, if they want you they’ll phone you, won’t they?
Barry: I can’t take the chance of missing their call. I want to be able to answer that phone the second it rings!
Mrs Nelson: If it rings.
Barry: Oh, they have to phone me! I’m the only guy who’s ever played the part before.
Mrs Nelson: (Dubiously.) Well, there was that man in South Africa….
Barry: That was on radio, it doesn’t count.
Mrs Nelson: And weren’t they supposed to be thinking about someone like Cary Grant or David Niven?
Barry: They would be too expensive, I know this film is being shot on a tight budget.
Mrs Nelson: Well, even so, you haven’t heard anything that suggests they will phone you.
Barry: I know that, but the fact remains- I am the only actor who’s played James Bond before so that gives me the best chance of getting it again.
Mrs Nelson: To be exact, you didn’t play James Bond.
Barry: Yes I did! I was in “Casino Royale” in 1954!
Mrs Nelson: But you were really playing “Card Sense Jimmy Bond”, weren’t you?
Barry: Well, if you put it that way…
Mrs Nelson: And they’re not looking for someone to play Card Sense Jimmy Bond in this one, are they?
Barry: No, but-
Mrs Nelson: In fact, I’ve heard that there’s only one quick scene with him playing cards at the start and the rest of the time he’s on some Caribbean island or other.
Barry: (Sadly.) Jamaica.
Mrs Nelson: Jamaica. So not much to do with cards.
Barry: No, I suppose you’re right.
Mrs Nelson: And I have also heard that they have some Irish or Scottish fellow ready to play Bond.
Barry: (Defeated.) Yeah… I’ve heard that, too.
Mrs Nelson: So, you might as well…?
Barry: I might as well sit down.
(He sits down, looking very deflated.)
Mrs Nelson: Never mind, darling, all is not yet lost.
Barry: Huh? How do you mean?
Mrs Nelson: They might want you to play his friend.
Barry: His friend?
Mrs Nelson: Yes, you might end up playing Leiter.
Barry: Leiter! (He perks up.) Yes, I might end up playing Clarence Leiter!
😂😂😂
Was there any given reason why Clarence was used instead of Felix?
I don't know for sure, but I'd guess that someone thought Clarence sounded more English than Felix.
Of course, to someone of my vintage the name Clarence instantly makes me think of an old TV show called "Daktari" and it's associated film.
This is for @Silhouette Man, with thanks.
****SPOILER WARNING*
Read no further if you intend to read "Never Send Flowers"
The Diary of John Gardner. 1993
Monday: Had a reply back from Disney in the post. They're quite happy with me using Disneyland as the climactic location in my new Bond book, as long as I don't paint them in an unflattering light. That's fine with me, it's my villain who I'm going to paint that way!
Tuesday: I haven't had a reply back from the Royal Family, and to be honest I didn't think that I would have. Back when I was writing "The Liquidator" all those years ago I certainly didn't ask if I could use Prince Philip, I just went ahead and used him. Of course, my profile is a bit higher these days and naturally a new James Bond book gets more attention than a first novel from an unknown author.
Wednesday: Have to think up a good villain for this book. As everyone knows, a Bond story rises or falls by how memorable the villain is. Seriously, you can't go too far over the top when putting one together. Start with a ridiculous name: Fleming gave us the models for that, so I always start there. Pick one.... Goldfinger will do, then play around with it. Add in part of another Fleming name, let's say Drax. His real name was Drache which is German for dragon. So, that gives us Dragonfinger. Not bad, how about Dragonfoot? Dragonshoulder? No, Dragonhead is better. I'll think about it for a while.
Thursday: I’ve had to think up some features for my villain, whose name I have finally decided will be Dragonpol. I have to give him something unusual, such as Dr No’s hands, so I settled on making him twins, one deaf and mute at birth (though he recovers speech and hearing later, still to decide how), and Bond doesn’t find out about this till near the end. I’ll also make him a famous actor who goes around murdering people. There, that should do it.
Friday: Almost as hard is thinking up a good female lead, or at least thinking up her name. It has to be somewhat exotic. After running through some ideas, each more outlandish than the last, I picked Flicka. Now some may say that sounds like a horse’s name but it’s short for Fredericka, and she can be a Swiss agent; that hasn’t been done before.
Also decided to change the location for the climax to EuroDisney. It’s much closer to home and it’ll be easier for me to do the necessary research.
Great stuff, @Barbel. It's good to see a diary entry for one of my favourite John Gardner Bond continuation novels! 😀
Interesting diary entry there…although his slapdash thinking explains a very poor Bond novel 😳😉👷🏻♂️
That must've been that pesky predictive text, @Sir Miles. I think you must've meant to type "one of best Bond novels". 😀
I see the predictive text messed up your post too 🤨👀🤣🤣
It reads perfectly to me. 😀
I remember Daktari very clearly - what a fabulous decade the 60’s were - the best ever!
For music, for sure. And for films- we wouldn't be here on this site if not for the 60s!
Co-written with CoolHandBond.
1971. Eon HQ, behind a bullring in Portugal. Cubby Broccoli’s phone rings.
Cubby: Yes?
Secretary: (On phone.) A Miss Thorson is calling, Mr Broccoli.
Cubby: Thorson? I don’t know a Miss Thorson.
Secretary: She was most insistent, sir.
Cubby: All right, put her through.
Linda: Hello? Mr Broccoli?
Cubby: Hello, Miss Thorson. What can I do for you?
Linda: You don’t recognise my name, Mr Broccoli?
Cubby: No, I’m afraid not. Perhaps you could tell me who you are?
Linda: I’m the last “Avengers” girl.
Cubby: Avengers?
Linda: Yes, you know the TV series with Patrick Macnee. First he was with Honor Blackman who moved on to being in “Goldfinger”-
Cubby: Honor, yes of course.
Linda: Then when she left, next was Diana Rigg-
Cubby: Diana, yes. She was in “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”.
Linda: And when she left, next was me!
Cubby: Ah, next you say?
Linda: Yes, I played Tara King. And now it’s time for me to be in a Bond film!
Cubby: And what makes you think that, Miss Thorson?
Linda: Oh, call me Linda. You have to put me in your film because then you’ll have the complete set!
Cubby: (Head spinning.) Complete set?
Linda: Of Avengers girls, silly- you’ll have the complete set of Avengers girls appearing in your James Bond movies!
Cubby: Yes, well, it doesn’t work like-
Linda: I’ve read the script and I know what parts there are in this film. “Diamonds Are Forever”, isn’t it?
Cubby: Read the script? Exactly how did you manage to do that?
Linda: I have connections, you know. I think I’d be just right for playing Tiffany Case, I really do, she’s just right for me.
Cubby: But she’s American and you have an English accent.
Linda: (In an American accent.) I can do an American accent no trouble, for Heaven’s sake- I am Canadian, you know.
Cubby: All right, but we already have an actress for that part.
Linda: Plenty O’Toole, then. I’ll need to build up my chest size a bit, though.
Cubby: No, I’m afraid not.
Linda: Bambi, then? Or Thumper? I’m good at fighting skills!
Cubby: Please, Linda-
Linda: All right, Maria, then. It’s a small part but it’s the first female part in the movie, I’d love to do that one,
Cubby: We already-
Linda: (Getting desperate.) Mrs Whistler? You can put the old age make-up on me.
Cubby: (Firmly.) No. Linda, I’m sorry. There isn’t any link between James Bond and The Avengers, and I won’t be casting anyone else from that series.
More excellence 👏🏻👏🏻
Thank you @Sir Miles
And from me, too, of course. 😁
A year well in the future (I hope). Bondfan dies in his sleep after a long and happy life. He is met at the gates of Double O Heaven by none other than Cubby Broccoli himself.
Cubby: Welcome, Bondfan.
Bondfan: What? How did you know I was coming?
Cubby: I have been… expecting you. (Grins widely.)
Bondfan: Well, I’m delighted to be here. And by the way, where is here?
Cubby: Ah, straight from “Goldfinger”, and no doubt you could quote many other lines from Bond movies. Which is why you’re here- welcome to Double O Heaven.
Bondfan: (Beginning to understand; he can be a bit slow on the uptake.) Double O Heaven!
Cubby: Let me show you around.
(Cubby takes the new entrant by the arm and begins to lead him around. Shortly they arrive at a large, opulent chamber with many people inside.)
Cubby: Now, in here we have the casino. Take a look.
(Bondfan looks in. There, at a familiar looking card table, sit Sir Sean Connery and Sir Roger Moore. Both men are in their prime and both wear tuxedos- Connery in black, Moore in white.)
Sir Roger: I’ll take seven diamonds- double O seven, of course.
(The onlooking beautiful young ladies gasp and murmur.)
Sir Sean: I’ll shee your sheven diamondsh and raishe you sheven more.
(The ladies gasp even more.)
Cubby: Now, if you’ll come with me…
Bondfan: No, wait- I’d like to shee, I mean see who wins.
Cubby: Nobody wins, my boy, don’t you understand? The game goes on eternally.
Bondfan: Ah, of course! Because-
Cubby: - diamonds are for ever, naturally. Now, look over there.
(A huge open area is in front of them. Men are swinging on ropes from helicopters, climbing up cliffs, falling out of planes without parachutes, running along the tops of speeding trains, and so on.)
Bondfan: The stuntmen!
Cubby: Yes indeed, the stuntmen. Where would James Bond be without them? Here they can do the most dangerous stunts day after day forever.
Bondfan: Wonderful!
Cubby: Now, next we have the music room.
(He indicates the doors to, presumably, a music studio. The doors are closed and from behind them can be heard a furious row with much swearing and possibly fists striking faces, chairs being broken over heads, and so on.)
Bondfan: What’s going on in there?
Cubby: It’s been going on for a long time and I think it will be going on for eternity. John Barry is just having a quiet word with Monty Norman.
Bondfan: Aha!
Cubby: Yes, them too.
Bondfan: Can I have a look?
Cubby: Well, I don’t know…
Bondfan: Let me just open the door a bit and put my head in.
Cubby: (Doubtfully.) Well, all right but let’s be discreet about it.
Bondfan: “A View To A Kill”, the Minister, in M’s office.
Cubby: It wasn’t mean to be a quote!
(Bondfan carefully opens the door and has a quick look.)
Cubby: Well?
Bondfan: I think John is trying to give Monty a trumpet lesson, although I’m not convinced he’s going the right way about it.
Cubby: Now if you’ll just come over here…
Bondfan: Hey, stop- what’s that there? Looks like a 100 metre high brick wall!
Cubby: Sssh, not so loud. That’s where we keep the Daniel Craig fans. They think they’re the only ones here.
That’s excellent @Barbel
Thank you, kind sir.
And here's...
Part Two
Cubby: …and over here, we have the Ladies’ Room.
(He starts to open the door.)
BondFan: (Embarrassed.) Yes, well, I don’t think we should go in there, you know?
Cubby: You misunderstand me, my boy. This isn’t a ladies bathroom- nobody here needs to go to the bathroom, we’re in Heaven, remember?
BondFan: Ah, yes…
Cubby: This is a room especially for the ladies who have been in Bond’s world back on Earth.
(He goes in, with an unsure BondFan following.)
Cubby: Look, there’s Lois Maxwell. Hi, Lois!
Lois: Hi, Cubby! (Blows him a kiss.)
BondFan: (Starstruck.) Wow, Lois Maxwell!
Cubby: And here’s Tanya Roberts.
Tanya: Help me, James! James!
Cubby: We’ve tried to persuade her to say other things, but she’s fixated on that.
Tanya: James! Help me!
BondFan: Well, she said it so often back then it’s understandable.
Cubby: I think that’s enough here for just now. If you’d follow me…
(They head to another room which is full of typewriters at desks, all being furiously pounded at. At the front is a raised podium, where a golden typewriter sits with no-one working at it.)
Cubby: The writers’ room.
BondFan: Yes, I see. There’s John Gardner, and there’s Christopher Wood. But what’s with the typewriter at the front?
Cubby: I would have thought that the fact it’s plated in gold might have given you an idea.
BondFan: It’s Ian Fleming! That’s Fleming’s typewriter!
Cubby: Took you a while, I thought you would have been quicker than that what with having been a lifelong Bond fan.
BondFan: It’s just that there’s a lot to take in. But where is he…?
Cubby: (Smiling.) Go on, Mr BondFan.
BondFan: Not with the stuntmen. Perhaps at the casino…? No, he’s at the nearest bar! Or maybe in the Ladies’ Room!
Cubby: Don’t you mean, “Five’ll get you ten it’s a drink or a dame”?
Voice: (From somewhere behind a typewriter.) Hey! That’s my line!
BondFan: (Awed.) Richard Maibaum!
Cubby: Yes, Dick, but I paid you to write it so it’s mine now.
Richard: Hmph.
Cubby: Now, let’s move on.
(They exit, then enter the next room. It’s full of clothes rails and hangers, with hundreds of tuxedos, thousands of beautiful dresses, millions of shoes, all being tended by dozens of hard-working ladies and a few men.)
BondFan: The costume department?
Cubby: Yes, indeed. Here is where all the people who have been behind the wonderful clothes worn by the casts of the Bond films end up.
BondFan: Magnificent! But there seems to be some clothes missing.
Cubby: Missing? Whose would those be?
BondFan: I don’t see any of the clothes Grace Jones wore.
(The entire staff of dress designers and costumers all shriek simultaneously, throwing their hands in the air and running for cover.)
BondFan: …Was it something I said?
Cubby: You can criticise their work. You can run down the colours and designs they choose. But you must never… NEVER! say that name in here again.
BondFan: (Head hanging.) Yes, Cubby.
Cubby: If you do, I’ll send you down below to live with he-who-must-not-be-named for ever.
BondFan: Oh, you mean Kevin Mc-
Cubby: Utter one more syllable and I’ll have you shot!
BondFan: "Casino Royale", M to Bond, in her apartment.
Cubby: Enough!
The quality never drops 🍸