2015. The Dench household. Dame Judi is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone, while her friendly rival Dame Maggie Smith attempts to calm her down.
Maggie: Oh, sit down, Judi, why don’t you?
Judi: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Maggie: Sit down and I’ll make you a good strong cup of tea with a dash of Cognac in it. Or at my age, more likely I’ll ring the maid and tell her to do it.
Judi: Tea with a dash of Cognac in it? I can’t think of tea with a dash of Cognac in it at a time like this.
Maggie: But-
Judi: And anyway I prefer Bourbon.
Maggie: Oh, of course you do. Now, just relax and-
Judi: Relax??? How can I relax???
Maggie: Sit back and polish your Oscar. Or you can polish one of mine, if you like.
(Judi seethes. She’s heard that one before.)
Maggie: Look, Judi, if they want you they’ll phone you.
Judi: That’s just it- they’ve got to want me! Haven’t I been their M for the last twenty years or so?
Maggie: That’s true, but now they have Ralph Fiennes.
Judi: Fiennes? Ha! Everybody knows he’s just using the part as a placeholder until he gets his knighthood.
Maggie: (Eyebrows raised in that Lady Bracknell way she does.) Oh, he thinks he’s getting a knighthood, does he?
Judi: Everyone- well, everyone except him- knows that he’ll have to wait till after Colin Firth gets his.
Maggie: And Firth’s already an Oscar ahead of him.
Judi: Must keep him awake at nights.
(They laugh.)
Maggie: Anyway, didn’t they kill you off in that last James Bond film you did?
Judi: Yes, but they can find a way round that. They can be very clever.
Maggie: Who, Purvis and Wade? Really?
Judi: That would be a first, wouldn’t it? No, I mean Wilson and Broccoli- they can be very clever if there’s money in it for them.
Maggie: Anyway, please sit here with me. I’m sure Ken Branagh will phone soon with a good part for you.
Judi: Ah, dear Ken. He’s had this crazy idea of playing William Shakespeare with me playing his wife.
Maggie: Really? But you‘re old enough to be his-
Judi: I know what my age is, thank you very much. He says it might take a couple of years to set up.
Maggie: I’m not surprised.
(The telephone suddenly rings. They stare at each other then Judi makes her slow, dignified way towards it.)
Judi: Hello? …. Yes, this is she … Ah, Barbara, we were just talking about you … Yes, Maggie and I … Maggie who, you say? … (Maggie grits her teeth. She knows Judi is just paying her back for the Oscar dig.) …. Maggie Smith, of course … Yes, she’s still alive (Maggie takes her walking stick and bashes Judi hard on the knee. The one that works. Judi keeps the receiver clamped to her ear while hobbling in pain.) .… What’s that? …. (She stares intently at Maggie.) … You want me to play M again? … Ralph too? …. Oh, I don’t know …. I’ll have to think about it …. Yes, I’ll call you back very soon.
(She hangs up.)
Maggie: Barbara Broccoli? About M?
Judi: Indeed she was, and indeed it was.
Maggie: So… you’ve to come back from the dead? No more Ralph Fiennes?
Judi: Apparently we’re both going to be there.
Maggie: Sounds like this film will be just like the last one.
Judi: Oh, no. They wouldn’t do that….
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,924Chief of Staff
Nicely played 🤣🤣
I guess Purvis & Wade will be that old by the time they write the next script 😳🤣
20something. A dingy flat somewhere in London. The telephone rings. Neal Purvis, now with a long white beard, gets painfully to his feet with the aid of his walking stick and shuffles over to the telephone.
Purvis: Hello? …. No, you can’t be Purvis, I’m Purvis … Oh, I see, you want Purvis …. Well, I’m him … Yes, he’s here too.
(He looks over at one of the two wooden seats in their sparsely furnished apartment. Robert Wade, now also with a long white beard since they can’t afford to buy razor blades being out of work for so long, has fallen fast asleep. Again. Yes, just like when they were writing “No Time To Die”.)
Purvis: Anyway, who are you? …. Barbara, you say. Barbara who, now? …. Oh yes, that Barbara. Are you still alive after so long? …. Of course I remember you. My memory’s not that bad.
(Wade grumbles and wakes up. He blurrily sees Purvis on the phone, puts on his thick glasses, and pays attention.)
Wade: Who is it, Neal?
Purvis: (Stage whisper.) It’s Barbara.
Wade: Barbara who?
(Purvis crosses his free hand over his shoulder, forefinger extended.)
Wade: Oh, right. Her.
Purvis: (Back on the phone.) Sorry, what were you saying there? … You do? Really? After so long? … Yes, of course …. We’ll be over soon.
(He hangs up.)
Wade: Does she want what I think she wants?
Purvis: But of course.
Wade: Right then.
(He takes his Zimmer and wheels over to their one cupboard, opening it to reveal a large number of manuscripts. They are in drawers labelled “Draft Screenplays 2021”, “Draft Screenplays 2022”, “Draft Screenplays 2023” and so on.)
Wade: How many should we bring?
Purvis: Best bring all of them, just to be sure- you never know what she’ll want this time.
Wade: Right.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,924Chief of Staff
I did think of calling her "Mrs D. Krycsiwiki" but felt it would have been too nerdy. Similarly I considered "Mr T.H. Johnson" for the artificial arm, but "Mr T. Hee" was obviously better (and less nerdy of course).
One island complete with bauxite mine (remains of). Should be ready for habitation in 58 years. Apply British Colonial Office, er, make that Jamaican Government Real Estate Office at B01
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,924Chief of Staff
Like everyone else I’m enjoying the “Reviews Of James Bond Films By Professional Critics” thread. Some of those critics, though….
The Downtown New Angeles Courier, 1974.
Film Review: The Man With The Golden Gun
Yes, people, another James Bond film hits the screen, the tenth in the series. Roger More plays Bond for the third time, having replaced Sean Connery since “On Her Majesty’s Service” in 1968.
This time Bond is on the trail of an assassin memorably played by veteran horror star Vincent Price who uses a solid gold gun with silver bullets. The incredible stunts are as breathtaking as ever, especially a speedboat chase interrupted by a Southern sheriff who gets a boat through his car. Once again 007 is smooth and charming with the ladies. The villain’s girlfriend is played by Britt Ekland and Bond is assisted by the beautiful but scatty Maud Adams.
The henchman this time is a little person who is always pointing to the sky and shouting about planes for some reason, and confusingly keeps switching sides.
It is always nice, of course, to see Desmond Llewelyn as M and Bernard Lee as Q, but there’s a new Miss Moneypenny in the form of Lois Maxwell. She’s very good, and I wonder why they haven’t used her before.
The film’s director, Cabby Broccoli, keeps the story moving and Don Barry has composed one of his best scores.
I can’t wait to see the next one!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,924Chief of Staff
1969. Pinewood Studios. Dubbing Suite. Director Peter Hunt and Editor John Glen are running scenes from the film, while George Baker stands ready at a microphone.
(James Bond, in his Sir Hilary Bray disguise (hat, pipe, glasses), disembarks from a train to be met by…)
Fraulein Bunt: I am Fraulein Irma Bunt, personal secretary to the Count. Have you had a good journey?
George Lazenby: Aw cobblers, this Goddamn pipe is burning my mother****ing throat.
Peter: And there we go. George, are you ready to dub the line?
George Baker: Ready, Peter.
John: Remember to try and match the lip movements while saying the correct line.
George Baker: I’ll try.
Peter: Right, action.
(James Bond, in his Sir Hilary Bray disguise (hat, pipe, glasses), disembarks from a train to be met by…)
Fraulein Bunt: I am Fraulein Irma Bunt, personal secretary to the Count. Have you had a good journey?
George Baker: No, intolerable. I’m not a good traveller.
1968. The home of Robert Markham. He is lounging with a stiff drink after a hard day’s write (he’s been working like a dog) when the doorbell rings. Not expecting anyone, he gets up and opens the door to find a figure he finds vaguely familiar- about six feet tall, dark hair falling in a comma above the right eyebrow, and a scar down one cheek giving a faintly piratical effect.
Markham: Yes?
Man: Mr Markham?
Markham: That’s me, how can I help you?
Man: Mr Robert Markham?
Markham: Yes, of course. I just told you-
Man: Mr Robert Markham, author of “Colonel Sun”?
Markham: Look, what is this about?
Man: I’m from- well, let us just say interested parties. We have been wondering if you intend to be writing other books of a similar nature.
Markham: A similar nature? Oh, you mean Ja-
Man: I think we both know what we are talking about here. And more importantly, who we are talking about.
Markham: You want to know if I will be writing more books about… er, the same character who was in that one.
Man: That’s right.
Markham: What makes you think I might do that?
Man: The fact that you have written more books about him earlier, making three in all, and all under different names.
Markham: That wasn’t me!
Man: We are very sure that it was.
Markham: No, I mean the different names part- that was the publisher’s idea, it wasn’t mine!
Man: Nevertheless, Mr Markham, the people I represent find it rather suspicious that you have authored not one, not two, but three books concerning that certain person and all under a different name. One of those names, in fact, belonged to a high-ranking officer in... a certain government department.
Markham: Well, there were reasons for that. I-
Man: No, I don’t want to hear your reasons. I merely require your assurance that there will be no more books from you about Jam- er, I mean, that character no matter what name you select for them to be published under.
Markham: And if I refuse?
Man: There will be… displeasure.
Markham: (Getting the idea.) Then I see no other way than for me to agree.
Man: Thank you.
(Markham closes the door. The man walks off, rounds a corner, then pulls off the mask he had been wearing.)
Man: Good, that’s another Bond author screwed up. Now, who can I cause trouble for next….?
One (1) decanter of brandy, 30-year-old Fine indifferently blended with an overdose of Bons Bois. Contact Col. Smithers, at B03
A quantity of identical rings with octopus style motif - perfect for those who want to let everyone know they belong to a secret society. Contact Mr E. Largo, at B04
One (1) pair sunglasses. Makes you look like a new man! Contact Mr F. Leiter, at B04
One (1) pair magic trousers- interchange from long pants to shorts in an instant! Contact Mr F. Leiter, at B04
One (1) toupee, red. Contact Lady F. McTarry, at B05(A)
One (1) set Tarot cards, slightly imperfect. Contact Ms S. Latrelle, at B08
One (1) butler outfit, would suit the smaller sized gentleman. Contact Mr N. Nack, at B09
One (1) funhouse attraction, complete with real people pretending to be waxwork models. Contact Mr N. Nack, at B09
One (1) slide whistle, used only once. Contact Mr J. Barry, at B09
One (1) shark, requires frequent feeding. Contact Herr S. Stromberg, at B10
One (1) fan, open carefully. Contact W. Lin, at B18
One (1) cigar, unused in any way. Contact Ms E. Moneypenny, at B19
-------------------------------------------------
Lost-
Major G. Boothroyd. Contact MI6, at B08
One (1) bottle perfume, scent a trifle overpowering. Contact Dr H. Goodhead, at B10
One (1) bottle perfume, last seen Belmarsh Prison. Contact Dr M. Swann, at B24, 25, …26?
--------------------------------------------
Found-
One (1) scuba suit, complete with seagull. Contact Sr Romales, at B03
One (1) keyring finder. Many useful features. Contact Gen. B. Whitaker, at B15
Comments
2015. The Dench household. Dame Judi is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone, while her friendly rival Dame Maggie Smith attempts to calm her down.
Maggie: Oh, sit down, Judi, why don’t you?
Judi: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Maggie: Sit down and I’ll make you a good strong cup of tea with a dash of Cognac in it. Or at my age, more likely I’ll ring the maid and tell her to do it.
Judi: Tea with a dash of Cognac in it? I can’t think of tea with a dash of Cognac in it at a time like this.
Maggie: But-
Judi: And anyway I prefer Bourbon.
Maggie: Oh, of course you do. Now, just relax and-
Judi: Relax??? How can I relax???
Maggie: Sit back and polish your Oscar. Or you can polish one of mine, if you like.
(Judi seethes. She’s heard that one before.)
Maggie: Look, Judi, if they want you they’ll phone you.
Judi: That’s just it- they’ve got to want me! Haven’t I been their M for the last twenty years or so?
Maggie: That’s true, but now they have Ralph Fiennes.
Judi: Fiennes? Ha! Everybody knows he’s just using the part as a placeholder until he gets his knighthood.
Maggie: (Eyebrows raised in that Lady Bracknell way she does.) Oh, he thinks he’s getting a knighthood, does he?
Judi: Everyone- well, everyone except him- knows that he’ll have to wait till after Colin Firth gets his.
Maggie: And Firth’s already an Oscar ahead of him.
Judi: Must keep him awake at nights.
(They laugh.)
Maggie: Anyway, didn’t they kill you off in that last James Bond film you did?
Judi: Yes, but they can find a way round that. They can be very clever.
Maggie: Who, Purvis and Wade? Really?
Judi: That would be a first, wouldn’t it? No, I mean Wilson and Broccoli- they can be very clever if there’s money in it for them.
Maggie: Anyway, please sit here with me. I’m sure Ken Branagh will phone soon with a good part for you.
Judi: Ah, dear Ken. He’s had this crazy idea of playing William Shakespeare with me playing his wife.
Maggie: Really? But you‘re old enough to be his-
Judi: I know what my age is, thank you very much. He says it might take a couple of years to set up.
Maggie: I’m not surprised.
(The telephone suddenly rings. They stare at each other then Judi makes her slow, dignified way towards it.)
Judi: Hello? …. Yes, this is she … Ah, Barbara, we were just talking about you … Yes, Maggie and I … Maggie who, you say? … (Maggie grits her teeth. She knows Judi is just paying her back for the Oscar dig.) …. Maggie Smith, of course … Yes, she’s still alive (Maggie takes her walking stick and bashes Judi hard on the knee. The one that works. Judi keeps the receiver clamped to her ear while hobbling in pain.) .… What’s that? …. (She stares intently at Maggie.) … You want me to play M again? … Ralph too? …. Oh, I don’t know …. I’ll have to think about it …. Yes, I’ll call you back very soon.
(She hangs up.)
Maggie: Barbara Broccoli? About M?
Judi: Indeed she was, and indeed it was.
Maggie: So… you’ve to come back from the dead? No more Ralph Fiennes?
Judi: Apparently we’re both going to be there.
Maggie: Sounds like this film will be just like the last one.
Judi: Oh, no. They wouldn’t do that….
Nicely played 🤣🤣
I guess Purvis & Wade will be that old by the time they write the next script 😳🤣
Your wish is my command....
20something. A dingy flat somewhere in London. The telephone rings. Neal Purvis, now with a long white beard, gets painfully to his feet with the aid of his walking stick and shuffles over to the telephone.
Purvis: Hello? …. No, you can’t be Purvis, I’m Purvis … Oh, I see, you want Purvis …. Well, I’m him … Yes, he’s here too.
(He looks over at one of the two wooden seats in their sparsely furnished apartment. Robert Wade, now also with a long white beard since they can’t afford to buy razor blades being out of work for so long, has fallen fast asleep. Again. Yes, just like when they were writing “No Time To Die”.)
Purvis: Anyway, who are you? …. Barbara, you say. Barbara who, now? …. Oh yes, that Barbara. Are you still alive after so long? …. Of course I remember you. My memory’s not that bad.
(Wade grumbles and wakes up. He blurrily sees Purvis on the phone, puts on his thick glasses, and pays attention.)
Wade: Who is it, Neal?
Purvis: (Stage whisper.) It’s Barbara.
Wade: Barbara who?
(Purvis crosses his free hand over his shoulder, forefinger extended.)
Wade: Oh, right. Her.
Purvis: (Back on the phone.) Sorry, what were you saying there? … You do? Really? After so long? … Yes, of course …. We’ll be over soon.
(He hangs up.)
Wade: Does she want what I think she wants?
Purvis: But of course.
Wade: Right then.
(He takes his Zimmer and wheels over to their one cupboard, opening it to reveal a large number of manuscripts. They are in drawers labelled “Draft Screenplays 2021”, “Draft Screenplays 2022”, “Draft Screenplays 2023” and so on.)
Wade: How many should we bring?
Purvis: Best bring all of them, just to be sure- you never know what she’ll want this time.
Wade: Right.
Brilliant 🤣🤣🤣
And probably true 😳
You never know! 😁
CoolHandBond and I saw these in a newspaper and thought you might be interested...
Classified Ads
FOR SALE:
One (1) bowler hat, slightly singed. Contact Mr O. Job, at B03
One (1) chair, seat needs some attention. Contact Mr L. Chiffre, at B21
One (1) artificial arm, requires rewiring. Contact Mr T. Hee, at B08
One (1) gun, solid gold. Hardly used. Contact Mr F. Scaramanga, at B09
One (1) gun, solid gold. Hardly used. Contact Mr A. Goldfinger, at B03
-------------------------------------------------------------
Lost-
One (1) set dental braces. Contact Mrs D. Jaws at B11
One (1) iguana. Contact Mrs El Presidente at B16.
One (1) “Playboy” magazine, February 1969. Contact Herr Gumbold at B06
One (1) bottle of turpentine. Contact Ms J. Masterson at B03
One (1) striped parachute. Contact Ms M. Day at B14
-----------------------------------------------------------
Services Offered-
Removal of speed boats from swimming pools. Contact Louisiana 555-0007 or at B08
Very clever 🤣👏🏻
whats the D stand for in D. Jaws?
Dolly, of course.
stupid me, I didnt spot the Mrs in Mrs D. Jaws. I thought you meant Mr Jaws and his dental braces
well of course she's misplaced them, too bad it happened the same day they were filming her scenes
I did think of calling her "Mrs D. Krycsiwiki" but felt it would have been too nerdy. Similarly I considered "Mr T.H. Johnson" for the artificial arm, but "Mr T. Hee" was obviously better (and less nerdy of course).
I'm a big fan of Christopher Wood's novelization and an eensy bit nerdy myself, but Jaws's real name wouldve gone over even my head
Some more of the same, from CoolHandBond and me (with some help from Number24 on the last entry).
For Sale-
One (1) stainless steel delicatessen, never used, great potential. Contact Mr E.S. Blofeld at B15
One (1) gentleman’s watch w/built-in cheese cutter. Contact Chief Guard Orient Express at B02
One (1) egg, remains of. Contact Mr K. Khan, at B13
One (1) fireaxe, slightly damaged. Contact Mr D. Greene, at B22
One (1) back stretching machine, one (1) sauna pod - both may need some refurbishment. Contact Dr Wain at Shrublands B04
One (1) mink glove, guaranteed to give satisfaction in the right hands. Contact Ms P. Fearing at Shrublands B04(A)
------------------------------------------------------------
Lost-
One (1) white cat, last seen in Sahara Desert. Contact Mr E.S. Blofeld, at B24.
One (1) volcano, last seen off Japan. Contact Mr E.S. Blofeld, at B05.
One (1) oil rig, last seen off Baja, California. Contact Mr E.S. Blofeld, at B07
One (1) flotilla of motorboats, loudhailer included. Contact Mr E.S. Blofeld, at B02
One (1) allergy clinic, last seen on top of an Alp. Contact Mr E.S. Blofeld at B06
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Found-
One (1) water damaged reel of cine film - found in Venice. Contact Gondolier B02(A)
One (1) Cadillac, slightly crushed. Apply Mr Solo at B03
---------------------------------------------------------
For Sale/ May Let-
One island complete with bauxite mine (remains of). Should be ready for habitation in 58 years. Apply British Colonial Office, er, make that Jamaican Government Real Estate Office at B01
These are good 👏🏻🤣
Thanks, Sir M!
Seconded, thank you, Sir Miles.
One (1) striped parachute. Contact Ms M. Day at B14
I guess we should be lucky it wasn't the strap-on dildo Miss Jones was rumoured to wear in her bedroom scene with Roger Moore.
Well, I did have other plans for today's entry, but that one is too good to miss!
From CoolHandBond and Barbel, with one suggestion from @Westward_Drift
Lost -
One (1) pet tarantula, contact Dr J. No at B01
One (1) dress, very low cut. Contact Ms. P. O'Toole, at B07
Two (2) knife throwers, matching set. Contact Ms O. Smythe, at B13
One (1) Lotus Vanquish. Colour .... er... Contact Mr Q (formerly Mr R), at B20
One (1) sense of timing. Contact Mr M. G. Wilson or Ms B. Broccoli at Eon Productions
-------------------------------------------
Found -
One (1) squashed tarantula, contact Prof R.J. Dent at B01
One (1) squashed golf ball. Contact The Club Professional, at B03
------------------------------------------
For Sale –
One (1) leather chair, needs recovering and rewiring. Perfect for unwanted guests. Contact Mr E. S. Blofeld, at B04
One (1) consignment of wrecked police cars. Contact Sheriff J. W. Pepper, at B08
One (1) speedboat (fastest on the whole river), needs attention. Contact Mr B. Bob, at B08(A)
One (1) Lotus Esprit, white. Some water damage. Contact Major G. Boothroyd, at B10
One (1) strap-on dildo, unused. Contact Ms G. Jones, at B14 *
One (1) caviar factory. Some repairs possibly required. Contact Mr V. Zukovsky, at B19
One (1) ashtray, requires some attention. Contact Mr C. Mitchell, at B22
One (1) sling, used. Contact Col G. Mallory, at B23
One (1) artificial leg, below knee. No longer required as leg grew back. Contact Mr F. Leiter, asstd Bs 1-25
---------------------------------------------------
* (under no circumstances contact Sir R. Moore, at Bs 8-14)
“Sense of timing” 👏🏻🤣🤣
Like everyone else I’m enjoying the “Reviews Of James Bond Films By Professional Critics” thread. Some of those critics, though….
The Downtown New Angeles Courier, 1974.
Film Review: The Man With The Golden Gun
Yes, people, another James Bond film hits the screen, the tenth in the series. Roger More plays Bond for the third time, having replaced Sean Connery since “On Her Majesty’s Service” in 1968.
This time Bond is on the trail of an assassin memorably played by veteran horror star Vincent Price who uses a solid gold gun with silver bullets. The incredible stunts are as breathtaking as ever, especially a speedboat chase interrupted by a Southern sheriff who gets a boat through his car. Once again 007 is smooth and charming with the ladies. The villain’s girlfriend is played by Britt Ekland and Bond is assisted by the beautiful but scatty Maud Adams.
The henchman this time is a little person who is always pointing to the sky and shouting about planes for some reason, and confusingly keeps switching sides.
It is always nice, of course, to see Desmond Llewelyn as M and Bernard Lee as Q, but there’s a new Miss Moneypenny in the form of Lois Maxwell. She’s very good, and I wonder why they haven’t used her before.
The film’s director, Cabby Broccoli, keeps the story moving and Don Barry has composed one of his best scores.
I can’t wait to see the next one!
And all too true 🫣😵💫🤣🤣
A top quality review! Leave reviews to the professionals, I say. 👍
Thanks, guys 🙂
1969. Pinewood Studios. Dubbing Suite. Director Peter Hunt and Editor John Glen are running scenes from the film, while George Baker stands ready at a microphone.
(James Bond, in his Sir Hilary Bray disguise (hat, pipe, glasses), disembarks from a train to be met by…)
Fraulein Bunt: I am Fraulein Irma Bunt, personal secretary to the Count. Have you had a good journey?
George Lazenby: Aw cobblers, this Goddamn pipe is burning my mother****ing throat.
Peter: And there we go. George, are you ready to dub the line?
George Baker: Ready, Peter.
John: Remember to try and match the lip movements while saying the correct line.
George Baker: I’ll try.
Peter: Right, action.
(James Bond, in his Sir Hilary Bray disguise (hat, pipe, glasses), disembarks from a train to be met by…)
Fraulein Bunt: I am Fraulein Irma Bunt, personal secretary to the Count. Have you had a good journey?
George Baker: No, intolerable. I’m not a good traveller.
Peter: Great. You get that okay, John?
John: Yes, it’s in.
Peter: Right, let’s try another….
-------------------------------------------------------
(In Ruby’s bedroom. “Sir Hilary” has brought the book he was talking about earlier.)
Ruby: I want to see the pictures.
George Lazenby: And I want to see those knockers. ‘Strewth, get them out!
Peter: (Taking a deep breath.) And there’s the next one. Are you ready with the actual line, George?
George Baker: Of course, Peter.
Peter: Then let’s go. John?
(In Ruby’s bedroom. “Sir Hilary” has brought the book he was talking about earlier.)
Ruby: I want to see the pictures.
George Baker: But you’re a picture yourself, and twice as lovely in the firelight.
Peter: Fine, fine. Good job there, George,
George Baker: Thank you.
Peter: Next scene, John.
John: Just one moment… okay, ready. Just give the word.
Peter: The word is given.
------------------------------------------------------------
(Back in “Sir Hilary’s” room, he is surprised to find Nancy waiting there for him after his escapades with Ruby.)
Nancy: But I think you do not like girls, Hilly.
George Lazenby: You bloody kidding me, Sheila? Riding some chick’s what I effin’ live for, you know?
Peter: (Sighing heavily.) And here we go again. Ready, George?
George Baker: All set, Peter.
Peter: Okay then. John, roll it.
(Back in “Sir Hilary’s” room, he is surprised to find Nancy waiting there for him after his escapades with Ruby.)
Nancy: But I think you do not like girls, Hilly.
George Baker: Usually I don’t, but you’re not usual. Coming here like this was an inspiration, and so are you.
Peter: Great work there, everyone, thanks very much.
George Baker: Will that be all, Peter?
Peter: (Sadly.) I wish. No, we’re all back here tomorrow.
Inspired 🤣🤣🤣
Fantastic 🤣🤣🤣👏🏻
Much appreciated, guys 🙂
1968. The home of Robert Markham. He is lounging with a stiff drink after a hard day’s write (he’s been working like a dog) when the doorbell rings. Not expecting anyone, he gets up and opens the door to find a figure he finds vaguely familiar- about six feet tall, dark hair falling in a comma above the right eyebrow, and a scar down one cheek giving a faintly piratical effect.
Markham: Yes?
Man: Mr Markham?
Markham: That’s me, how can I help you?
Man: Mr Robert Markham?
Markham: Yes, of course. I just told you-
Man: Mr Robert Markham, author of “Colonel Sun”?
Markham: Look, what is this about?
Man: I’m from- well, let us just say interested parties. We have been wondering if you intend to be writing other books of a similar nature.
Markham: A similar nature? Oh, you mean Ja-
Man: I think we both know what we are talking about here. And more importantly, who we are talking about.
Markham: You want to know if I will be writing more books about… er, the same character who was in that one.
Man: That’s right.
Markham: What makes you think I might do that?
Man: The fact that you have written more books about him earlier, making three in all, and all under different names.
Markham: That wasn’t me!
Man: We are very sure that it was.
Markham: No, I mean the different names part- that was the publisher’s idea, it wasn’t mine!
Man: Nevertheless, Mr Markham, the people I represent find it rather suspicious that you have authored not one, not two, but three books concerning that certain person and all under a different name. One of those names, in fact, belonged to a high-ranking officer in... a certain government department.
Markham: Well, there were reasons for that. I-
Man: No, I don’t want to hear your reasons. I merely require your assurance that there will be no more books from you about Jam- er, I mean, that character no matter what name you select for them to be published under.
Markham: And if I refuse?
Man: There will be… displeasure.
Markham: (Getting the idea.) Then I see no other way than for me to agree.
Man: Thank you.
(Markham closes the door. The man walks off, rounds a corner, then pulls off the mask he had been wearing.)
Man: Good, that’s another Bond author screwed up. Now, who can I cause trouble for next….?
From CoolHandBond and Barbel
For Sale-
One (1) decanter of brandy, 30-year-old Fine indifferently blended with an overdose of Bons Bois. Contact Col. Smithers, at B03
A quantity of identical rings with octopus style motif - perfect for those who want to let everyone know they belong to a secret society. Contact Mr E. Largo, at B04
One (1) pair sunglasses. Makes you look like a new man! Contact Mr F. Leiter, at B04
One (1) pair magic trousers- interchange from long pants to shorts in an instant! Contact Mr F. Leiter, at B04
One (1) toupee, red. Contact Lady F. McTarry, at B05(A)
One (1) set Tarot cards, slightly imperfect. Contact Ms S. Latrelle, at B08
One (1) butler outfit, would suit the smaller sized gentleman. Contact Mr N. Nack, at B09
One (1) funhouse attraction, complete with real people pretending to be waxwork models. Contact Mr N. Nack, at B09
One (1) slide whistle, used only once. Contact Mr J. Barry, at B09
One (1) shark, requires frequent feeding. Contact Herr S. Stromberg, at B10
One (1) fan, open carefully. Contact W. Lin, at B18
One (1) cigar, unused in any way. Contact Ms E. Moneypenny, at B19
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Lost-
Major G. Boothroyd. Contact MI6, at B08
One (1) bottle perfume, scent a trifle overpowering. Contact Dr H. Goodhead, at B10
One (1) bottle perfume, last seen Belmarsh Prison. Contact Dr M. Swann, at B24, 25, …26?
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Found-
One (1) scuba suit, complete with seagull. Contact Sr Romales, at B03
One (1) keyring finder. Many useful features. Contact Gen. B. Whitaker, at B15
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Wanted-
One (1) gang for £100m diamond operation, Hatton Gardens. Movie deals guaranteed. Contact HM Government, at B04
One (1) luxury hydrofoil able to move at supersonic speed. Contact Mr E. Largo, at B04
Gadgets (several). Contact Mr J. Bond, at B06