2002. A house in Thailand, nr Bangkok. Two sisters are present. One sits and calmly sips tea, the other paces up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone.
1st Sister: Oh sit down, why don’t you?
2nd Sister: I can’t sit down!
1st Sister: Sit down and enjoy a nice cup of tea with me.
2nd Sister: Tea? How can I think of tea at a time like this?
1st Sister: A time like this? Sister, it has been twenty-eight years!
2nd Sister: All the more reason why they should call!
1st Sister: Look, just relax and-
2nd Sister: Relax? How can I relax? They should be phoning us!
1st Sister: Phoning us?
2nd Sister: Yes, that nice Mr Broccoli said so.
1st Sister: Well, actually he said “Thanks very much, I’ll see you around” as he handed us a large pile of cash.
2nd Sister: It’s the same thing! They really should call us, we saved them.
1st Sister: What?
2nd Sister: We saved them! That tall handsome Englishman in the white gi
was about to be killed by an entire school of karate experts-
1st Sister: But-
2nd Sister: -and we protected him! We showed that school who was boss!
1st Sister: Yes, but-
2nd Sister: So now they have to call us!
1st Sister: Sister, listen. That was only for a movie. It wasn’t real.
2nd Sister: So you have told me many times, but I cannot believe you. If it was only for a movie then that man Hip who was supposed to be our uncle would have waited for the Englishman-
1st Sister: James Bond.
2nd Sister: -James Bond, to get in the car and not driven away!
1st Sister: Ah, well there is a perfectly good explanation for that.
2nd Sister: I cannot think of one, and I am sure that many, many others have tried lots of times to explain what he thought he was doing. Please, tell me why Hip drove off leaving James Bond behind.
1st Sister: Of course. Well, you see-
(The phone starts ringing. The two sisters stare at each other for a second, then one of them seizes the phone.)
2nd Sister: Hello? ….. Yes, that’s right …. Yes, my sister and I did indeed help James Bond against the karate school … What? …. Well, I don’t know …. Yes, I’ll ask. Please call back in about five minutes.
(She hangs up.)
1st Sister: Well? James Bond again?
2nd Sister: No, it was a man called Mike Myers, he wants to ask our daughters if they will be in his next movie.
1st Sister: Oh…. (She goes to the door and calls up the stairs.) Fook Yu! Fook Mi! Come down here at once!
Lunes- I am muy, muy pleased to be in this new James Bond film. Some people say that an actor should always be trying to play the hero, but I think that this is loco. The villain gets all the best lines. I hope to be saying such words as “Come in, Mr Bond, I have been expecting you” or perhaps “Unfortunately I misjudged you, you are just a stupid policeman” or “Look after Mr Bond. See that some harm comes to him”. I am muy impatient to see the script!
Martes- My first look at the script. How disappointing. Instead of those marvellous lines all I get is “Hello James, how do you like my island?” and a long speech of stuff about rats. I hope the rest of my lines are better!
Miercoles- A day in the make-up suite. Another disappointment, que triste. I thought they would give me a scar through one eye, or maybe metal hands, but all I got was a blond wig. Do they think I am Pussy Galore, or one of her Flying Circus? Still, I got a nice white suit to wear.
Jueves- Today we went to film in Scotland, or at least that was the plan. We spent most of our time huddled in our caravans waiting for the rain to stop. Is Scotland always like this, I wonder? I think Sam managed to get about 30 seconds of filming done, mostly of the Aston Martin car.
Viernes- Open air filming when the rain finally stopped. I was standing at my marks, and I asked Sam if the crate next to me was where Judi was to stand. He said “No, that’s for Daniel. Judi’s is over there”, and he pointed to two crates stacked together. Without those she would be talking to my nipples, so this is how we can both have our faces on screen together.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,924Chief of Staff
Someone in Scotland made a few quid knocking crates up that week 🤣
This is based on an idea by @Westward_Drift. For context, at roughly page 80 and afterwards @caractacus potts and I went off on a tangent about how Alec Trevelyan and James Bond had a shared history of rivalry, long before GE.
1974. Outside a karate school in Bangkok. Lieutenant Hip is waiting impatiently for his nieces when he is approached by a man he doesn’t know.
Man: Lieutenant Hip?
Hip: (Suspiciously.) I might be. Who wants to know?
Man: Perhaps this will satisfy your curiosity.
(He shows Hip a small wallet bearing an identification inside.)
Hip: But this says -
Man: I know.
Hip: It says that you’re 00-
Man: I know who I am, thank you. I understand that you’re working with one of our men at the moment.
Hip: That’s right.
Man: And what are your current intentions?
Hip: I am going to pick up my nieces from this karate school, which is run by my brother, then go to help Jam-
Man: I get the idea. What if I were to tell you that your instructions have changed?
Hip: My instructions have changed? I would have to hear that from M himself.
Man: Perhaps … this may change your mind.
(He holds out a large bundle of notes.)
Hip: That must be twenty thousand bahts!
Man: Forty thousand.
Hip: Why, you could buy two wooden elephants for that!
Man: I want you to do something very simple for me. Go to where you are supposed to pick up Ja- er, the man we were talking about.
Hip: Yes?
Man: But don’t do it. Don’t pick him up.
Hip: You mean just leave him where he was?
Man: That’s right.
(Hip eyes the forty thousand bahts.)
Hip: All right. I’m in.
Man: I thought you would say that.
(He hands over the money.)
Hip: Thank you, Mr Trev-
Man: Ssh. You don’t know my name.
Hip: Gotcha.
(Later that night, Bond is in bed. His mind is racing, trying to figure out why Hip would have abandoned him to Chula and his friends at the karate school. Could it be a plot by Scaramanga? No, not his style- he would have been lurking in some darkened doorway or crouched on a rooftop somewhere, ready to fire a golden bullet. Perhaps old Blofeld? No, it must be….)
Bond: (Abruptly.) Alec!
Andrea: (Very surprised, considering what they had been up to at that exact point.) What?
Bond: Er, I mean Andrea!
Andrea: Well, that isn’t very flattering, I must say! I mean, a man shouting out another woman’s name while we are busy making love is one thing, but you just shouted out another man’s name!
Bond: No, er, I-
Andrea: I’m not standing for that!
(She gets up and begins dressing to leave.)
Bond: No, Andrea, please-
Andrea: Oh don’t worry, James, I’ll get your precious Solex Agitator like I promised but the rest of our deal is off!
(She stomps away furiously. Bond looks around, miserably, Andrea having left before… er… matters had reached their natural conclusion, then he suddenly remembers.)
Bond: Goodnight!
(He puts on a dressing gown, lights a cigar and heads for the wardrobe, hiding his tumescent condition as much as possible before opening the door.)
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,924Chief of Staff
Competent Continuity Girl. Contact Messrs Saltzman and Broccoli (or if you must, Mr McClory), at B04
Competent Matte Artist. Contact Messrs. Saltzman and Broccoli, at B05 and B07
Flying lessons. Contact Mrs Bell, at B08
Professional assassin. Group of jealous husbands, outraged chefs and humiliated tailors willing to pay $1m to target specified man (identity to be divulged). Contact us, at B09
Flying lessons. Contact Mr Jaws, at B11
Competent singer/band for movie title song. Contact Ms B. Broccoli and Mr M.G. Wilson, at B15, B18, B19, B22, B25. Especially B22. For the love of God, B22, oh please
Competent movie editor. Contact Ms B. Broccoli and Mr M.G. Wilson, at B22
Competent scriptwriters. Contact Ms B. Broccoli and Mr M.G. Wilson, at B17-B20 and B22-B25
Four (4) suction pads for hands/knees - appear instantly when needed. Contact Major G. Boothroyd, at B05
One (1) THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED - compilation album of movie music. Contact Mr J Barry, at B17 - B25 inclusive. Especially B17. And B23. Come to think of it, B24 as well. But B17 most especially
One (1) Noh mask, slightly damaged. Contact Mr. L. Safin, at B25
In bulk: half a ton of spent brass cartridges, used. Contact city council, Matera, at B25
One (1) white Persian cat (possibly in nervous condition). Contact Mr E. S. Blofeld, at B05
One (1) Walther PPK, well used. Great sentimental value. Contact Dr M. Swann, at B25.
---------------------------------------------
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Found-
On road that leads to Nassau…. eventually: two (2) flippers, blue. Apply Ms F. Volpe, at B04
Halfway up a volcano, one (1) hairpiece and kimono. Apply Ms K. Suzuki, at B05
-------------------------------------------
Stop Press-
Wanted – One (1) space shuttle. Contact Mr H. Drax, at B11
Lost – One (1) space shuttle. Contact HM Government, at B11
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,924Chief of Staff
Especially B22. For the love of God, B22, oh please 🤬
2024. Eon HQ, underneath a fight between a mongoose and a snake in Madagascar. MGW and BB are, as usual these days, hard not at work. Today it’s poker. Yesterday it was chess. The day before, Monopoly. Anything to avoid doing what they are supposed to be doing, actually making a James Bond film.
BB: I’ll see your ten and raise fifty.
(She slides some betting chips across the desk.)
MGW: Oh, it’s like that, is it? Well, I think I will-
(The intercom buzzes.)
Secretary: (On intercom.) Visitor for you, Mr Wilson, Ms Broccoli.
BB: Without an appointment?
MGW: Tell them we’re busy.
Secretary: Er, I think you really have to see him.
MGW: Why, who is it, The Pope? The King Of-
(The door has opened and King Charles has entered. The Broccolis are speechless, but manage to quickly hide their playing cards and chips.)
King: Ah, good morning.
BB: ….. er …. Good morning, Your High-
MGW: (Whispers to her quickly.) Majesty.
BB: Your Majesty, yes.
MGW: (Recovering quickly.) And what can we do for you, sir?
King: Well, one would like to discuss a certain matter with you both. A small favour, one might say.
BB: A favour?
King: Yes. You will doubtless recall that a few trifling years ago my late mother granted you permission to film inside Buckingham Palace.
MGW: Of course, most gracious of her.
King: And then she went up in a helicopter together with your James Bond fellow and they both jumped out over Wembley Stadium?
BB: Oh, but that was really one of our stunt- Ow! (Michael has sharply kicked her on the ankle.) I mean, yes, of course we remember.
King: One has had the idea that it may be time to carry out such a matter again, only this time with me.
MGW: You want to jump from a helicopter?
King: No, no, not exactly the same thing. I have given this matter some thought, and I believe that one would like to be travelling down a fast-flowing river with your man Bond, James Bond, on a raft.
BB: A raft… yes, we can do that.
King: Then suddenly we find that we are at Niagara Falls and the raft goes over.
MGW: The raft goes over???
King: Yes, then Bond presses a button and a Union Jack parachute opens up, saving us, and we drift comfortably down to the ground.
BB: Er… Union Jack parachute?
King: Yes, that’s right. Now, I know you chaps have done things like this before so one doesn’t imagine that it shall take very long for you to get organised. I shall, of course, arrange the necessary permissions with the appropriate authorities. So, shall we say next Monday then?
MGW/BB: Next Monday????
King: All sorted. See you then.
(He leaves. Barbara and Michael stare at each other, shocked.)
BB: Next Monday?
MGW: I could talk to the stunt people, I’m sure they can arrange the logistics.
BB: And the King will clear it with everyone who it has to be cleared with. Kings are good at that.
MGW: There’s only one thing, though…..
BB: What’s that, Michael?
MGW: We have to have a new James Bond selected by then!
MGW: What would that be? (He sees the look in her eye.) Oh, no- no!
BB: Why, Michael, you don’t even know what I’m going to say.
MGW: I don’t? Let me put it this way- NO!!!!
BB: (Little girl smile.) But Michael-
MGW: I said no. That smile hasn’t worked on me for years.
BB: But, why?
MGW: He's too old now.
BB: Oh, and Roger Moore wasn't, I suppose?
MGW: He’d cost too much money.
BB: You were perfectly happy back when Dad paid Roger ridiculous sums of money to keep playing James Bond for film after film.
MGW: Dad wasn’t trying to get into Roger’s pants.
BB: What?
MGW: Let me put it this way- he wasn’t trying to roger Roger.
BB: I can’t believe you’d think such a thing of me, your own sister!
MGW: It’s because you are my sister that I can think exactly that. Anyway, you know he’d say no. Again. Didn’t we kill him off just to make sure he wouldn’t be coming back?
BB: Solving that isn’t beyond the abilities of good writers. Or even Purvis and Wade.
MGW: No! Now, let’s go to the bookies and see who is favourite this week.
A bookmakers, not far from Eon HQ. An experienced worker is explaining things to a new entrant.
Old Hand: …so that’s the horses, you see?
Newcomer: Yes, I think I’ve got it. What’s that over there?
Old Hand: Ah, that’s the James Bond department.
Newcomer: James Bond?
Old Hand: Yes, we run a book on who the next James Bond is going to be.
Newcomer: What, you do this whenever the current James Bond has quit or been fired or something?
Old Hand: Oh no, we pretty much do it all the time.
Newcomer: Why do you do that?
Old Hand: There are always rumours, and the websites love nothing more than to talk about who the next James Bond is going to be. Some of the people get very opinionated about it, and someone then challenges someone else to put their money where their mouth is so they come here and put a tenner on their favourite.
Newcomer: And does that work?
Old Hand: Hardly ever- the last time it worked was back in 1995. It was so obvious that Pierce Brosnan was going to be the next Bond that we had to stop taking bets. But hey, wait a minute!
Newcomer: What is it?
Old Hand: See that couple that just came in?
Newcomer: Where?
Old Hand: The old bearded guy, and the woman with long dark hair.
Newcomer: I see them, so?
Old Hand: (Sighs.) You don’t know who they are?
Newcomer: No, should I?
Old Hand: I'd have thought the Aston Martin parked outside might be a clue? (The younger one shakes his head.) Well, then, perhaps the fact that the woman is tightly clutching a signed photograph of Daniel Craig close to her heart might give it away.
Newcomer: Hey, wait one moment. Is that blood I can see on that photo?
Old Hand: No, it's only lipstick.
Newcomer: Aha, they're James Bond fans!
Old Hand: (Sighs again.) If only that were true, son, if only that were true.
Newcomer: Well, should I recognise them?
Old Hand: Perhaps yes, perhaps no. Keep your eye on them, anyway.
Newcomer: Do you want to know how much they’re betting?
Old Hand: Betting? I doubt very much if they will make a bet here.
Newcomer: Then what are they here for?
Old Hand: Can't you see what they’re doing?
Newcomer: Well, they’re standing at the James Bond section, studying the names there and….
Old Hand: Yes, and?
Newcomer: …and they’re writing the names down. And then they’re making a note of what the odds are against each name.
Old Hand: Right, I thought so.
Newcomer: Hey, now they’re leaving- they haven’t made a bet at all!
Old Hand: I wouldn’t quite say that. They’re about to take a very large gamble.
Newcomer: They are?
Old Hand: Yes, indeed. You’ll read all about it in tomorrow’s papers….
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,924Chief of Staff
Thanks! Now, I know I said there would be just the "one more" above, but....
Later that day, back at Eon HQ after their trip to the local bookmaker.
MGW: So, I think we’re just about ready now to make the big announcement.
BB: You mean, “New James Bond takes King Charles over Niagara Falls on a raft, saved by Union Jack parachute”?
MGW: No, Barbara, the King said we were to do that on Monday, remember? It will be great publicity.
BB: So today we’re just announcing the new James Bond, then.
MGW: Yes, that’s right. The British press will be delighted- they won’t have to keep running pictures of a man without an umbrella getting very wet in the rain.
BB: There’s just one thing, though.
MGW: What’s that?
BB: I think his name is too long. We’ve never had a James Bond with three names before, you know.
MGW: We should ask him to change it, you mean?
BB: Well, shorten it, maybe.
MGW: Shorten it?
BB: I think so.
MGW: I don’t know…. People can be quite attached to their names.
BB: I know… Gregg.
MGW: You know not to call me that! If I wanted to be called that then I’d have billed myself as “M. Gregg Wilson”. Anyway, I’m not sure if he would do it.
BB: Look, Dad and Harry told Sean Connery to wear a toupee and he did. Then they told Roger Moore to lose some weight, and he did.
MGW: Yes, but then Cubby and I told Timothy Dalton to lighten up and be funny and we all know how that turned out.
BB: True, I forgot about that. Also, are we going to have him come up the Thames on a small boat?
MGW: Can’t do that, he’d be put on a plane and sent to Rwanda. No, I think we’re just going to have to rely on the Niagara stunt.
BB: Okay, but remember there’s always the Australian guy.
MGW: Australian? Hmmm, we tried that once before, it didn’t go too well. Which Australian guy anyway?
BB: The one that played Elvis just recently. He’s… he’s quite sexy. (Smiles dreamily.)
MGW: (Quickly.) Oh no, I’m not going through all that again- the one with three names gets it!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,924Chief of Staff
No idea how you keep coming up with these…and such high quality….but I’m glad you do 😀
Comments
🤣🤣🤣
2002. A house in Thailand, nr Bangkok. Two sisters are present. One sits and calmly sips tea, the other paces up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone.
1st Sister: Oh sit down, why don’t you?
2nd Sister: I can’t sit down!
1st Sister: Sit down and enjoy a nice cup of tea with me.
2nd Sister: Tea? How can I think of tea at a time like this?
1st Sister: A time like this? Sister, it has been twenty-eight years!
2nd Sister: All the more reason why they should call!
1st Sister: Look, just relax and-
2nd Sister: Relax? How can I relax? They should be phoning us!
1st Sister: Phoning us?
2nd Sister: Yes, that nice Mr Broccoli said so.
1st Sister: Well, actually he said “Thanks very much, I’ll see you around” as he handed us a large pile of cash.
2nd Sister: It’s the same thing! They really should call us, we saved them.
1st Sister: What?
2nd Sister: We saved them! That tall handsome Englishman in the white gi
was about to be killed by an entire school of karate experts-
1st Sister: But-
2nd Sister: -and we protected him! We showed that school who was boss!
1st Sister: Yes, but-
2nd Sister: So now they have to call us!
1st Sister: Sister, listen. That was only for a movie. It wasn’t real.
2nd Sister: So you have told me many times, but I cannot believe you. If it was only for a movie then that man Hip who was supposed to be our uncle would have waited for the Englishman-
1st Sister: James Bond.
2nd Sister: -James Bond, to get in the car and not driven away!
1st Sister: Ah, well there is a perfectly good explanation for that.
2nd Sister: I cannot think of one, and I am sure that many, many others have tried lots of times to explain what he thought he was doing. Please, tell me why Hip drove off leaving James Bond behind.
1st Sister: Of course. Well, you see-
(The phone starts ringing. The two sisters stare at each other for a second, then one of them seizes the phone.)
2nd Sister: Hello? ….. Yes, that’s right …. Yes, my sister and I did indeed help James Bond against the karate school … What? …. Well, I don’t know …. Yes, I’ll ask. Please call back in about five minutes.
(She hangs up.)
1st Sister: Well? James Bond again?
2nd Sister: No, it was a man called Mike Myers, he wants to ask our daughters if they will be in his next movie.
1st Sister: Oh…. (She goes to the door and calls up the stairs.) Fook Yu! Fook Mi! Come down here at once!
😂😂😂 Excellent and strangely enough there is a shop here at one of the malls that I try to keep Mrs CHB out of 🤣
Fooking hell 🤣🤣 an excellent one there
@Barbel more inspired silliness 👏🏻🤣
Thanks very much, guys. 😊
2012
El Diario De Javier Bardem
Lunes- I am muy, muy pleased to be in this new James Bond film. Some people say that an actor should always be trying to play the hero, but I think that this is loco. The villain gets all the best lines. I hope to be saying such words as “Come in, Mr Bond, I have been expecting you” or perhaps “Unfortunately I misjudged you, you are just a stupid policeman” or “Look after Mr Bond. See that some harm comes to him”. I am muy impatient to see the script!
Martes- My first look at the script. How disappointing. Instead of those marvellous lines all I get is “Hello James, how do you like my island?” and a long speech of stuff about rats. I hope the rest of my lines are better!
Miercoles- A day in the make-up suite. Another disappointment, que triste. I thought they would give me a scar through one eye, or maybe metal hands, but all I got was a blond wig. Do they think I am Pussy Galore, or one of her Flying Circus? Still, I got a nice white suit to wear.
Jueves- Today we went to film in Scotland, or at least that was the plan. We spent most of our time huddled in our caravans waiting for the rain to stop. Is Scotland always like this, I wonder? I think Sam managed to get about 30 seconds of filming done, mostly of the Aston Martin car.
Viernes- Open air filming when the rain finally stopped. I was standing at my marks, and I asked Sam if the crate next to me was where Judi was to stand. He said “No, that’s for Daniel. Judi’s is over there”, and he pointed to two crates stacked together. Without those she would be talking to my nipples, so this is how we can both have our faces on screen together.
Someone in Scotland made a few quid knocking crates up that week 🤣
SiCo doesn't mind me earning a little money on the side, Sir M. 😁
At least he knows where you keep your wood 😳🤣
🤣🤣🤣
This is based on an idea by @Westward_Drift. For context, at roughly page 80 and afterwards @caractacus potts and I went off on a tangent about how Alec Trevelyan and James Bond had a shared history of rivalry, long before GE.
1974. Outside a karate school in Bangkok. Lieutenant Hip is waiting impatiently for his nieces when he is approached by a man he doesn’t know.
Man: Lieutenant Hip?
Hip: (Suspiciously.) I might be. Who wants to know?
Man: Perhaps this will satisfy your curiosity.
(He shows Hip a small wallet bearing an identification inside.)
Hip: But this says -
Man: I know.
Hip: It says that you’re 00-
Man: I know who I am, thank you. I understand that you’re working with one of our men at the moment.
Hip: That’s right.
Man: And what are your current intentions?
Hip: I am going to pick up my nieces from this karate school, which is run by my brother, then go to help Jam-
Man: I get the idea. What if I were to tell you that your instructions have changed?
Hip: My instructions have changed? I would have to hear that from M himself.
Man: Perhaps … this may change your mind.
(He holds out a large bundle of notes.)
Hip: That must be twenty thousand bahts!
Man: Forty thousand.
Hip: Why, you could buy two wooden elephants for that!
Man: I want you to do something very simple for me. Go to where you are supposed to pick up Ja- er, the man we were talking about.
Hip: Yes?
Man: But don’t do it. Don’t pick him up.
Hip: You mean just leave him where he was?
Man: That’s right.
(Hip eyes the forty thousand bahts.)
Hip: All right. I’m in.
Man: I thought you would say that.
(He hands over the money.)
Hip: Thank you, Mr Trev-
Man: Ssh. You don’t know my name.
Hip: Gotcha.
(Later that night, Bond is in bed. His mind is racing, trying to figure out why Hip would have abandoned him to Chula and his friends at the karate school. Could it be a plot by Scaramanga? No, not his style- he would have been lurking in some darkened doorway or crouched on a rooftop somewhere, ready to fire a golden bullet. Perhaps old Blofeld? No, it must be….)
Bond: (Abruptly.) Alec!
Andrea: (Very surprised, considering what they had been up to at that exact point.) What?
Bond: Er, I mean Andrea!
Andrea: Well, that isn’t very flattering, I must say! I mean, a man shouting out another woman’s name while we are busy making love is one thing, but you just shouted out another man’s name!
Bond: No, er, I-
Andrea: I’m not standing for that!
(She gets up and begins dressing to leave.)
Bond: No, Andrea, please-
Andrea: Oh don’t worry, James, I’ll get your precious Solex Agitator like I promised but the rest of our deal is off!
(She stomps away furiously. Bond looks around, miserably, Andrea having left before… er… matters had reached their natural conclusion, then he suddenly remembers.)
Bond: Goodnight!
(He puts on a dressing gown, lights a cigar and heads for the wardrobe, hiding his tumescent condition as much as possible before opening the door.)
Nicely done 🤣
Bravo, you took the idea to a much more...er...satisfying conclusion.
I guess in the last photo a cigar is not just a cigar.
....and a good night was had by all!
Thanks guys. 😊
Written by CoolHandBond and Barbel
Wanted –
Competent Continuity Girl. Contact Messrs Saltzman and Broccoli (or if you must, Mr McClory), at B04
Competent Matte Artist. Contact Messrs. Saltzman and Broccoli, at B05 and B07
Flying lessons. Contact Mrs Bell, at B08
Professional assassin. Group of jealous husbands, outraged chefs and humiliated tailors willing to pay $1m to target specified man (identity to be divulged). Contact us, at B09
Flying lessons. Contact Mr Jaws, at B11
Competent singer/band for movie title song. Contact Ms B. Broccoli and Mr M.G. Wilson, at B15, B18, B19, B22, B25. Especially B22. For the love of God, B22, oh please
Competent movie editor. Contact Ms B. Broccoli and Mr M.G. Wilson, at B22
Competent scriptwriters. Contact Ms B. Broccoli and Mr M.G. Wilson, at B17-B20 and B22-B25
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale –
Four (4) suction pads for hands/knees - appear instantly when needed. Contact Major G. Boothroyd, at B05
One (1) THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED - compilation album of movie music. Contact Mr J Barry, at B17 - B25 inclusive. Especially B17. And B23. Come to think of it, B24 as well. But B17 most especially
One (1) Noh mask, slightly damaged. Contact Mr. L. Safin, at B25
In bulk: half a ton of spent brass cartridges, used. Contact city council, Matera, at B25
--------------------------------------------------------
Lost -
One (1) white Persian cat (possibly in nervous condition). Contact Mr E. S. Blofeld, at B05
One (1) Walther PPK, well used. Great sentimental value. Contact Dr M. Swann, at B25.
---------------------------------------------
Advertisement -
Finding getting insurance a problem? Spider bites? - no problem. Flooded hotel rooms? - no problem. Car crushed? - no problem. Patients injured in health clinics? - no problem? Staff eaten by piranha fish? - no problem. Whatever your needs - don’t panic! Calm down, dear! Contact Insurance Improbable 555-0007
----------------------------------------------
Found-
On road that leads to Nassau…. eventually: two (2) flippers, blue. Apply Ms F. Volpe, at B04
Halfway up a volcano, one (1) hairpiece and kimono. Apply Ms K. Suzuki, at B05
-------------------------------------------
Stop Press-
Wanted – One (1) space shuttle. Contact Mr H. Drax, at B11
Lost – One (1) space shuttle. Contact HM Government, at B11
Especially B22. For the love of God, B22, oh please 🤬
Other than that 😏 brilliant stuff, gentlemen 👏🏻🤣🤣
B22?
What on Earth could you mean...?
2024. Eon HQ, underneath a fight between a mongoose and a snake in Madagascar. MGW and BB are, as usual these days, hard not at work. Today it’s poker. Yesterday it was chess. The day before, Monopoly. Anything to avoid doing what they are supposed to be doing, actually making a James Bond film.
BB: I’ll see your ten and raise fifty.
(She slides some betting chips across the desk.)
MGW: Oh, it’s like that, is it? Well, I think I will-
(The intercom buzzes.)
Secretary: (On intercom.) Visitor for you, Mr Wilson, Ms Broccoli.
BB: Without an appointment?
MGW: Tell them we’re busy.
Secretary: Er, I think you really have to see him.
MGW: Why, who is it, The Pope? The King Of-
(The door has opened and King Charles has entered. The Broccolis are speechless, but manage to quickly hide their playing cards and chips.)
King: Ah, good morning.
BB: ….. er …. Good morning, Your High-
MGW: (Whispers to her quickly.) Majesty.
BB: Your Majesty, yes.
MGW: (Recovering quickly.) And what can we do for you, sir?
King: Well, one would like to discuss a certain matter with you both. A small favour, one might say.
BB: A favour?
King: Yes. You will doubtless recall that a few trifling years ago my late mother granted you permission to film inside Buckingham Palace.
MGW: Of course, most gracious of her.
King: And then she went up in a helicopter together with your James Bond fellow and they both jumped out over Wembley Stadium?
BB: Oh, but that was really one of our stunt- Ow! (Michael has sharply kicked her on the ankle.) I mean, yes, of course we remember.
King: One has had the idea that it may be time to carry out such a matter again, only this time with me.
MGW: You want to jump from a helicopter?
King: No, no, not exactly the same thing. I have given this matter some thought, and I believe that one would like to be travelling down a fast-flowing river with your man Bond, James Bond, on a raft.
BB: A raft… yes, we can do that.
King: Then suddenly we find that we are at Niagara Falls and the raft goes over.
MGW: The raft goes over???
King: Yes, then Bond presses a button and a Union Jack parachute opens up, saving us, and we drift comfortably down to the ground.
BB: Er… Union Jack parachute?
King: Yes, that’s right. Now, I know you chaps have done things like this before so one doesn’t imagine that it shall take very long for you to get organised. I shall, of course, arrange the necessary permissions with the appropriate authorities. So, shall we say next Monday then?
MGW/BB: Next Monday????
King: All sorted. See you then.
(He leaves. Barbara and Michael stare at each other, shocked.)
BB: Next Monday?
MGW: I could talk to the stunt people, I’m sure they can arrange the logistics.
BB: And the King will clear it with everyone who it has to be cleared with. Kings are good at that.
MGW: There’s only one thing, though…..
BB: What’s that, Michael?
MGW: We have to have a new James Bond selected by then!
BB: You mean, we have to….
(They stare at each other, horrified.)
Both: Work!!!!!
It's a hard life...
Work? Heaven forbid….👀🤣
Well, just a little more then......
BB: There is always an alternative, you know….
MGW: What would that be? (He sees the look in her eye.) Oh, no- no!
BB: Why, Michael, you don’t even know what I’m going to say.
MGW: I don’t? Let me put it this way- NO!!!!
BB: (Little girl smile.) But Michael-
MGW: I said no. That smile hasn’t worked on me for years.
BB: But, why?
MGW: He's too old now.
BB: Oh, and Roger Moore wasn't, I suppose?
MGW: He’d cost too much money.
BB: You were perfectly happy back when Dad paid Roger ridiculous sums of money to keep playing James Bond for film after film.
MGW: Dad wasn’t trying to get into Roger’s pants.
BB: What?
MGW: Let me put it this way- he wasn’t trying to roger Roger.
BB: I can’t believe you’d think such a thing of me, your own sister!
MGW: It’s because you are my sister that I can think exactly that. Anyway, you know he’d say no. Again. Didn’t we kill him off just to make sure he wouldn’t be coming back?
BB: Solving that isn’t beyond the abilities of good writers. Or even Purvis and Wade.
MGW: No! Now, let’s go to the bookies and see who is favourite this week.
🤣🤣🤣 wonderful!
Bravo 👏🏻🤣👏🏻🤣
MGW finally has agency and stands up to Barbara. About time. No longer is he Dennis Thatcher from the end of FYEO. Is it odd I saw him that way?
I never thought of that, but I can see where you get it from.
Thanks everyone, much appreciated. I guess I should present one more chapter from this story then move on.
A bookmakers, not far from Eon HQ. An experienced worker is explaining things to a new entrant.
Old Hand: …so that’s the horses, you see?
Newcomer: Yes, I think I’ve got it. What’s that over there?
Old Hand: Ah, that’s the James Bond department.
Newcomer: James Bond?
Old Hand: Yes, we run a book on who the next James Bond is going to be.
Newcomer: What, you do this whenever the current James Bond has quit or been fired or something?
Old Hand: Oh no, we pretty much do it all the time.
Newcomer: Why do you do that?
Old Hand: There are always rumours, and the websites love nothing more than to talk about who the next James Bond is going to be. Some of the people get very opinionated about it, and someone then challenges someone else to put their money where their mouth is so they come here and put a tenner on their favourite.
Newcomer: And does that work?
Old Hand: Hardly ever- the last time it worked was back in 1995. It was so obvious that Pierce Brosnan was going to be the next Bond that we had to stop taking bets. But hey, wait a minute!
Newcomer: What is it?
Old Hand: See that couple that just came in?
Newcomer: Where?
Old Hand: The old bearded guy, and the woman with long dark hair.
Newcomer: I see them, so?
Old Hand: (Sighs.) You don’t know who they are?
Newcomer: No, should I?
Old Hand: I'd have thought the Aston Martin parked outside might be a clue? (The younger one shakes his head.) Well, then, perhaps the fact that the woman is tightly clutching a signed photograph of Daniel Craig close to her heart might give it away.
Newcomer: Hey, wait one moment. Is that blood I can see on that photo?
Old Hand: No, it's only lipstick.
Newcomer: Aha, they're James Bond fans!
Old Hand: (Sighs again.) If only that were true, son, if only that were true.
Newcomer: Well, should I recognise them?
Old Hand: Perhaps yes, perhaps no. Keep your eye on them, anyway.
Newcomer: Do you want to know how much they’re betting?
Old Hand: Betting? I doubt very much if they will make a bet here.
Newcomer: Then what are they here for?
Old Hand: Can't you see what they’re doing?
Newcomer: Well, they’re standing at the James Bond section, studying the names there and….
Old Hand: Yes, and?
Newcomer: …and they’re writing the names down. And then they’re making a note of what the odds are against each name.
Old Hand: Right, I thought so.
Newcomer: Hey, now they’re leaving- they haven’t made a bet at all!
Old Hand: I wouldn’t quite say that. They’re about to take a very large gamble.
Newcomer: They are?
Old Hand: Yes, indeed. You’ll read all about it in tomorrow’s papers….
Tomorrow’s news today 🤣🤣🤣
Thanks! Now, I know I said there would be just the "one more" above, but....
Later that day, back at Eon HQ after their trip to the local bookmaker.
MGW: So, I think we’re just about ready now to make the big announcement.
BB: You mean, “New James Bond takes King Charles over Niagara Falls on a raft, saved by Union Jack parachute”?
MGW: No, Barbara, the King said we were to do that on Monday, remember? It will be great publicity.
BB: So today we’re just announcing the new James Bond, then.
MGW: Yes, that’s right. The British press will be delighted- they won’t have to keep running pictures of a man without an umbrella getting very wet in the rain.
BB: There’s just one thing, though.
MGW: What’s that?
BB: I think his name is too long. We’ve never had a James Bond with three names before, you know.
MGW: We should ask him to change it, you mean?
BB: Well, shorten it, maybe.
MGW: Shorten it?
BB: I think so.
MGW: I don’t know…. People can be quite attached to their names.
BB: I know… Gregg.
MGW: You know not to call me that! If I wanted to be called that then I’d have billed myself as “M. Gregg Wilson”. Anyway, I’m not sure if he would do it.
BB: Look, Dad and Harry told Sean Connery to wear a toupee and he did. Then they told Roger Moore to lose some weight, and he did.
MGW: Yes, but then Cubby and I told Timothy Dalton to lighten up and be funny and we all know how that turned out.
BB: True, I forgot about that. Also, are we going to have him come up the Thames on a small boat?
MGW: Can’t do that, he’d be put on a plane and sent to Rwanda. No, I think we’re just going to have to rely on the Niagara stunt.
BB: Okay, but remember there’s always the Australian guy.
MGW: Australian? Hmmm, we tried that once before, it didn’t go too well. Which Australian guy anyway?
BB: The one that played Elvis just recently. He’s… he’s quite sexy. (Smiles dreamily.)
MGW: (Quickly.) Oh no, I’m not going through all that again- the one with three names gets it!
No idea how you keep coming up with these…and such high quality….but I’m glad you do 😀
AND political satire 🤣
Thanks, Sir Miles.