Thank you, guys. However I see that we've started a new page and that means someone somewhere somewhen is pacing up and down, never getting too far from their telephone. ..
2006. The Andress household. Ursula is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone, while Husband #4 (or possibly #5) looks on concernedly.
Husband #4 or possibly #5: Oh sit down, Ursula, why don’t you?
Ursula: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Husband #4 or possibly #5: Just relax and-
Ursula: Relax? How can I possibly relax???!!!
Husband #4 or possibly #5: Just sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of chocolate, you being Swiss.
Ursula: Chocolate, me being Swiss? I can’t think about chocolate, me being Swiss, at a time like this!
Husband #4 or possibly #5: What do you mean, a time like this? Nothing is happening!
Ursula: But that is just it- nothing is happening! I know they are making a new James Bond film right now and nobody has phoned me- nobody!
Husband #4 or possibly #5: Well, perhaps- now listen carefully, my darling- perhaps there might just possibly be a teensy weensy little chance that they maybe don’t want you to be in this one.
Ursula: What? But they must want me! Aren’t they doing a new version of “Casino Royale”?
Husband #4 or possibly #5: Well, yes.
Ursula: And who is the leading female in that story?
Husband #4 or possibly #5: (Very quietly.) Vesper.
Ursula: What? I can’t hear you.
Husband #4 or possibly #5: (Louder.) Vesper.
Ursula: Vesper who?
Husband #4 or possibly #5: (Very distinctly.) Vesper Lynd.
Ursula: Vesper Lynd. And remind me, dear husband #4 or possibly #5, who played Vesper Lynd in the earlier film of “Casino Royale”?
Husband #4 or possibly #5: (Knowing he’s going to regret saying this.) You did, my love.
Ursula: Exactly. So I am waiting on the telephone to ring to ask me, very politely, if I would like to rep… er… reappraise… er…
Husband #4 or possibly #5: Reprise.
Ursula: Don’t interrupt me! Yes, to ask me if I would like to reprise the role of Vesper Lynd in their new production.
Husband #4 or possibly #5: But Ursula, they already have someone for that part.
Ursula: What? How dare they! Who is it?
Husband #4 or possibly #5: Some actress called Eva Green.
Ursula: I have never heard of such an actress! What does she have that I haven’t got?
(Ursula poses proudly, displaying her still magnificent figure, while Husband #4 or possibly #5 swallows as he gets enough courage to say what has to be said.)
Husband #4 or possibly #5: Ursula… now try to keep calm… she’s 40 years younger than you.
(This has exactly the effect you would think it would have on any ageing actress.)
Ursula: What??? How dare she be 40 years younger than me!!!
Husband #4 or possibly #5: (Hastily.) Of course she is nowhere near as beautiful as you are, Ursula my darling, but it would appear that she is the one that the producers have picked.
Ursula: Just wait until they phone me! I will give them a piece of my mind!
Husband #4 or possibly #5: Yes, well, I’m not 100% sure that they will phone.
Ursula: Of course they will phone! Nikki, are you ready?
Nikki van der Zyl: (Who has sensibly been keeping very quiet until required.) Yes, Ursula?
Ursula: Just repeat what you are to say when the phone rings.
Nikki: Of course.
(Nikki produces a sheet of paper and begins to read in that beautiful well-modulated voice all Bond fans know.)
Nikki: “Hello, Ursula Andress speaking. Why hello, Mr Wilson/Ms Broccoli/delete as appropriate. What a surprise to hear from you. Yes, of course, I would be delighted…..”
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,749Chief of Staff
edited June 25
Brilliant 👏🏻
I was waiting to see if Nikki would appear…and of course she did 🤭😁 love it 🤣👏🏻
Ursula Andress seems to be channeling the character of Ayesha, She Who Must Be Obeyed
which should give her hope, since Ayesha lived to be 2,000 years old, and probably therell be maybe another Bond film made sometime in the next 2000 years and they might require her services yet
Friday: Signed that ATJ actor to play James Bond. Told Purvis & Wade to get the script ready. Agreed with Michael that this should be a traditional Bond movie- no suddenly appearing relatives or surrogate relatives, none of the regular characters dying, and so on.
Nah, just kidding. Didn’t get out of bed at all.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,749Chief of Staff
1987. A pipeline at the border between Czechoslovakia and Austria. James Bond and Rosika Miklos have just put a very reluctant Georgi Koskov into a pig. No, not the kind found on a farm- a scouring plug to clean out the pipeline (this one’s been designed to carry a man.)- and Rosika is giving some last minute instructions to Bond.
Rosika: Remember, when this says 100, turn this. Not before.
Bond: Where are you going?
Rosika: To take care of the supervisor. When pig goes, his control panel will light up like Christmas tree.
(Rosika goes into the supervisor’s office. He looks up, surprised, to see her removing her belt and pulling down enough of her top to expose some very generous cleavage. He begins to speak, but the large strong Rosika pulls his face into her prodigious bosom.
The supervisor splutters and pulls away.)
Supervisor: Sorry, Rosika, but I play for the other team.
(His control panel chooses this moment to indeed light up like a Christmas tree, and since he is now not being enveloped by mammaries he sees it and quickly presses the alarm button. Bells ring and all the doors instantly seal shut. Rosika turns to run but realises that there is no escape.)
Supervisor: Well, now I know what kind of girl you are.
(He presses a few buttons on his panel as sentries fill the room.)
Supervisor: Take her away.
(Down in the piperoom Bond has turned the correct lever when the dial reached 100, sending Koskov on his way. He hears the alarm bell ring and realises that the doors have now sealed shut. He frantically looks for a way out, but a dozen heavily armed sentries appear from nowhere and bar his way. After some confusion over language, they settle on English.)
1st Sentry: Who are you and what are you doing here?
Bond: (Sighing.) I’m the Man from U.N.C.L.E., don’t you recognize me?
2nd Sentry: You must be crazy.
1st Sentry: The Man from U.N.C.L.E. eh? Our asylums are full of people who think they’re Napoleon. Or Illya.
2nd Sentry: Shall we shoot him here?
1st Sentry: Take him away.
(Some time later the pig carrying Koskov comes to a stop. Hesitantly he opens the lid and steps out.)
Pushkin: Welcome back to Moscow, Georgi.
Koskov: Oh! Moscow! General Pushkin! I have been on, er, a secret mission.
Pushkin: But of course you have, Georgi. You can tell us all about it from the nearest gulag.
Koskov: But-
Pushkin: Take him away.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,749Chief of Staff
The Bond timeline could be littered with the fraught dangers of people potentially riding on the other bus 😯🤣
Pick a year. The Moneypenny household. The lady herself comes in the door, to be greeted by her current boyfriend. He looks a lot like Michael Billington, or perhaps Clive Owen, or maybe Lewis Collins.
Moneypenny: Hi honey, I’m home.
Boyfriend: Darling!
(Kiss, kiss.)
Boyfriend: So lovely to see you.
Moneypenny: You too.
Boyfriend: How was your day?
Moneypenny: Oh, my boss was as grumpy as usual.
Boyfriend: Oh, dear.
Moneypenny: But then James came back from –
Boyfriend: James again?
Moneypenny: Yes, James. He-
Boyfriend: Bloody James. That’s all I hear.
Moneypenny: But-
Boyfriend: “James went off to Greece”, “James came back from Thailand”, “James is in San Monique, which is definitely not like Jamaica in any way whatsoever”, “James went to Japan”, “James-
Moneypenny: But he does! He does go to all those places!
Boyfriend: Next thing you’ll be telling me is that he came back from outer space!
Moneypenny: Ah, it’s funny you should mention that because-
Boyfriend: Right, that’s it! I’ve had enough!
(He puts on his jacket and head to the door.)
Moneypenny: But my darling-
(It’s too late. He has gone. A devastated Moneypenny sits on the sofa and begins to weep.)
Moneypenny: Oh no! Will I always be a Miss?
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,749Chief of Staff
Comments
Not sure the queue will be very long after the election 😂
Excellent 🤣
Thank you, guys. However I see that we've started a new page and that means someone somewhere somewhen is pacing up and down, never getting too far from their telephone. ..
2006. The Andress household. Ursula is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone, while Husband #4 (or possibly #5) looks on concernedly.
Husband #4 or possibly #5: Oh sit down, Ursula, why don’t you?
Ursula: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Husband #4 or possibly #5: Just relax and-
Ursula: Relax? How can I possibly relax???!!!
Husband #4 or possibly #5: Just sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of chocolate, you being Swiss.
Ursula: Chocolate, me being Swiss? I can’t think about chocolate, me being Swiss, at a time like this!
Husband #4 or possibly #5: What do you mean, a time like this? Nothing is happening!
Ursula: But that is just it- nothing is happening! I know they are making a new James Bond film right now and nobody has phoned me- nobody!
Husband #4 or possibly #5: Well, perhaps- now listen carefully, my darling- perhaps there might just possibly be a teensy weensy little chance that they maybe don’t want you to be in this one.
Ursula: What? But they must want me! Aren’t they doing a new version of “Casino Royale”?
Husband #4 or possibly #5: Well, yes.
Ursula: And who is the leading female in that story?
Husband #4 or possibly #5: (Very quietly.) Vesper.
Ursula: What? I can’t hear you.
Husband #4 or possibly #5: (Louder.) Vesper.
Ursula: Vesper who?
Husband #4 or possibly #5: (Very distinctly.) Vesper Lynd.
Ursula: Vesper Lynd. And remind me, dear husband #4 or possibly #5, who played Vesper Lynd in the earlier film of “Casino Royale”?
Husband #4 or possibly #5: (Knowing he’s going to regret saying this.) You did, my love.
Ursula: Exactly. So I am waiting on the telephone to ring to ask me, very politely, if I would like to rep… er… reappraise… er…
Husband #4 or possibly #5: Reprise.
Ursula: Don’t interrupt me! Yes, to ask me if I would like to reprise the role of Vesper Lynd in their new production.
Husband #4 or possibly #5: But Ursula, they already have someone for that part.
Ursula: What? How dare they! Who is it?
Husband #4 or possibly #5: Some actress called Eva Green.
Ursula: I have never heard of such an actress! What does she have that I haven’t got?
(Ursula poses proudly, displaying her still magnificent figure, while Husband #4 or possibly #5 swallows as he gets enough courage to say what has to be said.)
Husband #4 or possibly #5: Ursula… now try to keep calm… she’s 40 years younger than you.
(This has exactly the effect you would think it would have on any ageing actress.)
Ursula: What??? How dare she be 40 years younger than me!!!
Husband #4 or possibly #5: (Hastily.) Of course she is nowhere near as beautiful as you are, Ursula my darling, but it would appear that she is the one that the producers have picked.
Ursula: Just wait until they phone me! I will give them a piece of my mind!
Husband #4 or possibly #5: Yes, well, I’m not 100% sure that they will phone.
Ursula: Of course they will phone! Nikki, are you ready?
Nikki van der Zyl: (Who has sensibly been keeping very quiet until required.) Yes, Ursula?
Ursula: Just repeat what you are to say when the phone rings.
Nikki: Of course.
(Nikki produces a sheet of paper and begins to read in that beautiful well-modulated voice all Bond fans know.)
Nikki: “Hello, Ursula Andress speaking. Why hello, Mr Wilson/Ms Broccoli/delete as appropriate. What a surprise to hear from you. Yes, of course, I would be delighted…..”
Brilliant 👏🏻
I was waiting to see if Nikki would appear…and of course she did 🤭😁 love it 🤣👏🏻
Thanks, Sir M, glad you enjoyed it.
Casting anacondas and put them in phyton-face, it could never happen today. It's snake-cultural oppropriation, you know!
😁 How times have changed.
Ursula Andress seems to be channeling the character of Ayesha, She Who Must Be Obeyed
which should give her hope, since Ayesha lived to be 2,000 years old, and probably therell be maybe another Bond film made sometime in the next 2000 years and they might require her services yet
I was going to laugh, then realised that's closer to the truth than we would like.
Yes, Ursula looked great in "She". Nikki sounded great, too.
2024. The Diary of Barbara Broccoli.
Monday: Got out of bed on the right side.
Tuesday: Got out of bed on the left side.
Wednesday: Didn’t get out of bed at all.
Thursday: Took it easy.
Friday: Signed that ATJ actor to play James Bond. Told Purvis & Wade to get the script ready. Agreed with Michael that this should be a traditional Bond movie- no suddenly appearing relatives or surrogate relatives, none of the regular characters dying, and so on.
Nah, just kidding. Didn’t get out of bed at all.
Yay..😯 errr….boo 😩
🤣
Should I laugh or should I cry???
Thanks, guys. A belated mention to CoolHandBond who suggested that Ursula be next to pace the floor.
1987. A pipeline at the border between Czechoslovakia and Austria. James Bond and Rosika Miklos have just put a very reluctant Georgi Koskov into a pig. No, not the kind found on a farm- a scouring plug to clean out the pipeline (this one’s been designed to carry a man.)- and Rosika is giving some last minute instructions to Bond.
Rosika: Remember, when this says 100, turn this. Not before.
Bond: Where are you going?
Rosika: To take care of the supervisor. When pig goes, his control panel will light up like Christmas tree.
(Rosika goes into the supervisor’s office. He looks up, surprised, to see her removing her belt and pulling down enough of her top to expose some very generous cleavage. He begins to speak, but the large strong Rosika pulls his face into her prodigious bosom.
The supervisor splutters and pulls away.)
Supervisor: Sorry, Rosika, but I play for the other team.
(His control panel chooses this moment to indeed light up like a Christmas tree, and since he is now not being enveloped by mammaries he sees it and quickly presses the alarm button. Bells ring and all the doors instantly seal shut. Rosika turns to run but realises that there is no escape.)
Supervisor: Well, now I know what kind of girl you are.
(He presses a few buttons on his panel as sentries fill the room.)
Supervisor: Take her away.
(Down in the piperoom Bond has turned the correct lever when the dial reached 100, sending Koskov on his way. He hears the alarm bell ring and realises that the doors have now sealed shut. He frantically looks for a way out, but a dozen heavily armed sentries appear from nowhere and bar his way. After some confusion over language, they settle on English.)
1st Sentry: Who are you and what are you doing here?
Bond: (Sighing.) I’m the Man from U.N.C.L.E., don’t you recognize me?
2nd Sentry: You must be crazy.
1st Sentry: The Man from U.N.C.L.E. eh? Our asylums are full of people who think they’re Napoleon. Or Illya.
2nd Sentry: Shall we shoot him here?
1st Sentry: Take him away.
(Some time later the pig carrying Koskov comes to a stop. Hesitantly he opens the lid and steps out.)
Pushkin: Welcome back to Moscow, Georgi.
Koskov: Oh! Moscow! General Pushkin! I have been on, er, a secret mission.
Pushkin: But of course you have, Georgi. You can tell us all about it from the nearest gulag.
Koskov: But-
Pushkin: Take him away.
The Bond timeline could be littered with the fraught dangers of people potentially riding on the other bus 😯🤣
I loved this line 😂 Brilliant, as usual, Barbel 👏
1st Sentry: The Man from U.N.C.L.E. eh? Our asylums are full of people who think they’re Napoleon. Or Illya.
Thank you very much, gentlemen.
Pick a year. The Moneypenny household. The lady herself comes in the door, to be greeted by her current boyfriend. He looks a lot like Michael Billington, or perhaps Clive Owen, or maybe Lewis Collins.
Moneypenny: Hi honey, I’m home.
Boyfriend: Darling!
(Kiss, kiss.)
Boyfriend: So lovely to see you.
Moneypenny: You too.
Boyfriend: How was your day?
Moneypenny: Oh, my boss was as grumpy as usual.
Boyfriend: Oh, dear.
Moneypenny: But then James came back from –
Boyfriend: James again?
Moneypenny: Yes, James. He-
Boyfriend: Bloody James. That’s all I hear.
Moneypenny: But-
Boyfriend: “James went off to Greece”, “James came back from Thailand”, “James is in San Monique, which is definitely not like Jamaica in any way whatsoever”, “James went to Japan”, “James-
Moneypenny: But he does! He does go to all those places!
Boyfriend: Next thing you’ll be telling me is that he came back from outer space!
Moneypenny: Ah, it’s funny you should mention that because-
Boyfriend: Right, that’s it! I’ve had enough!
(He puts on his jacket and head to the door.)
Moneypenny: But my darling-
(It’s too late. He has gone. A devastated Moneypenny sits on the sofa and begins to weep.)
Moneypenny: Oh no! Will I always be a Miss?
The perils of a work place infatuation 👀🤣
And the lovely Lois Maxwell will always be the only Moneypenny.
Thanks again for sending me this portrait, CHB.
My pleasure, Barbel.
1967. The Blofeld household. Ernst comes through the door.
Blofeld: Hi honey, I’m home.
Wife: Darling!
(Kiss, kiss.)
Blofeld: It’s so lovely to see you.
Wife: And you. Did you have a nice day at the volcano?
Blofeld: Not really. I ran into that James Bond chap again.
Wife: Oh yes, Triple-0 Six, wasn’t it?
Blofeld: Double-0 Seven.
Wife: (Sympathetically.) He’s always getting in your road, isn’t he?
Blofeld: Too right. He blew up Dr No’s establishment on Crab Key, which was very expensive-
Wife: One million dollars, if I recall.
Blofeld: That’s right. Now take your pinky out of your mouth, my love, when you say that.
Wife: Oh, sorry, it’s got to be a habit. And he killed Dr No as well, didn’t he?
Blofeld: Right, and then the next year he set fire to a fleet of our boats as well as killing Klebb, Grant, Morzeny, and many more.
Wife: Which meant you couldn’t sell the Lektor machine to the Russians.
Blofeld: Then only last year he stopped us blowing up two atomic bombs, while killing Largo and Volpe.
Wife: Well, you’ve got him now, haven’t you?
Blofeld: I hope so. I’ve left Hans guarding him.
Wife: Well, sit down and I’ll make you something to eat. Where’s Tiddles, by the way?
Blofeld: Tiddles? Oh no, I must have left her in that volcano!!!
He didn’t buy it from my exact-wife, did he? 👀🤣
Is that a typo, Sir Miles?
That would be the ‘autocorrect’ function 🙄
No idea why that happened 🤷🏻♂️ but I do know I don’t check posts for that blasted thing enough 🤬
It was meant as ex-wife…who decided she wanted at least half of something she had no interest in 👀
Anyway…another good addition to the Imaginary Conversation’s 👏🏻🤣
I am familiar with that exact variety of ex-wife. Too bloody familiar.
Glad you liked the above, but no more "Hi Honey I'm Homes" for a while. I've already got the pacers and the diaries as regulars!
Seems we have two things in common then 😵💫😟🤭
Bravo 👏🏻