1995. The Glen household. John is pacing up and down furiously, never getting too far away from the telephone, while his wife looks on concernedly.
Mrs Glen: Oh sit down, John, why don’t you?
John: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Mrs Glen: Try and relax.
John: Relax? Can’t you see I can’t relax!
Mrs Glen: Look, let me make you a nice cup of tea and-
John: Tea? I can’t think of tea at a time like this!
Mrs Glen: What do you mean, a time like this? Nothing is happening.
John: That’s just it, nothing is happening! And I happen to know that they are starting work on the new James Bond film “GoldenEye” this week!
Mrs Glen: But, John -
John: And they haven’t contacted me!
Mrs Glen: But-
John: Me! Didn’t I direct five James Bond films in the 1980s?
Mrs Glen: Yes, John, of course you -
John: More than any other director, I might add.
Mrs Glen: Yes, I know.
John: Didn’t I direct Roger Moore’s last three and Timothy Dalton’s only two?
Mrs Glen: (Who knows all this perfectly well.) Of course you did, John.
John: Well, then, they have to call me!
Mrs Glen: Didn’t you tell me that you and Timothy Dalton had disagreements on the last one, now what was it called, “Living To Kill”?
John: “Licence To Kill”, my love. Yes, you’re right, but that doesn’t matter- he’s gone, it’s Pierce Brosnan now.
Mrs Glen: Ah, the guy from “Remington Steele”.
John: So, you get that right but you can’t remember the names of my James Bond films?
Mrs Glen: Well, they’re all the same, aren’t they?
John: All the same? All the same? You’re trying to tell me that I took all that trouble to make “Octopussy” look like it was really taking place in India
and it’s just the same as “Moonraker” being set in Outer Space?
Mrs Glen: Well, maybe not but –
(The telephone rings, the sound harshly interrupting their duologue. John reaches for the receiver.)
John: Hello? …. Yes, this is John …. Oh, hi there …. Outer Space, you say? ….. Yes, I believe I can handle that …. Yes, ‘ll see you Monday morning at the studio …. Bye. (He hangs up.)
Mrs Glen: Well? Was it Eon? Are you to do more James Bond?
John: (Glumly.) No, it was Gerry Anderson. I’ve to direct his new show “Space Precinct”.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,920Chief of Staff
I thought these were imaginary? 🤭🤣
John Glen had to put up with some things during his Bond years…mainly a tiny budget 🫣
Thank you, and Sir Miles of course. There's scope for someone to write about all the connections between the Bond world and that of Gerry Anderson but that won't be me. I do know that I'm not quite finished with John Glen, though, and I want to write more about him.
1977. Pinewood Studios. Editor John Glen and Director Lewis Gilbert are going over the final edit of their film, “The Spy Who Loved Me”.
John: Lewis, I’ve noticed something while editing the rushes together.
Lewis: Oh? What’s that, John?
John: Sometimes Bond is holding his Walther PPK but at other times he’s holding a Beretta.
Lewis: Well spotted, John, but I don’t think anyone other than a gun expert will notice that.
John: All right, well, this scene near the end with the bomb?
Lewis: Yes?
John: Well, after Bond sets the timer we can hear twelve ticks yet when we see the timer again only seven ticks should have happened.
Lewis: (Thinking fast.) Ah… that was deliberate.
John: (Sceptical.) Deliberate?
Lewis: Yes, of course. It’s a tribute to the climax of “Goldfinger” when the bomb is going to explode in Fort Knox- Bond says there were only three seconds left but the timer says 007.
John: Right… Now, when Anya is walking inside the sub up to the hatch she doesn’t have a hat.
Lewis: Okay…
John: Then suddenly she’s wearing one to hide her hair, yet nobody else in the crew is wearing one.
Lewis: Shane Rimmer is.
John: He’s the Captain, Navy Captains wear hats to be easily identified.
Lewis: And he isn’t wearing one inside the submarine either.
John: Of course not, it’s his submarine. The crew all know who he is.
Lewis: She could have had one in her pocket.
John: But-
Lewis: It’s not the most important point, John, there’s plenty going on there.
John: If you say so. Now, we are supposed to see two different nuclear missiles being launched from the two submarines but you’ve only given me one shot to work with.
Lewis: No problem, just reverse it and darken it a bit. No-one will notice.
John: Right… well, how come the shark which Jaws kills floats on the surface instead of sinking to the bottom?
Lewis: Just leave it unless David Attenborough writes in, then we’ll change it.
John: Okay, you know the scene where Bond visits Faslane and meets the Minister?
Lewis: Yes, of course.
John: That’s supposed to be Scotland but it isn’t raining.
Lewis: Only really obsessed Bond fans living in Scotland would notice that. Right, that’s enough now.
John: If you insist, Lewis, but-
Lewis: No, I don’t want to hear any more mistakes. Have you got the end credits in place?
John: Sure, have a look.
Lewis: Good. I can’t see any problems with that.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,920Chief of Staff
That’s the first thing wrong I noticed about TSWLM - that is wasn’t raining in Scotland 🤣
1962. Eon HQ, still only an office. Cubby and Harry are interviewing potential directors for their first James Bond film, “Dr No”.
Harry: Come in, Mr Ford, have a seat.
John Ford: Thank you. (Sits.)
Cubby: Now, Harry and I have been reading your thoughts about what you’d like to do with our film “Dr No”.
Ford: Oh yes?
Harry: And we have one or two comments to make. Firstly, we’re dead set on making this film in Jamaica.
Ford: And why is that?
Cubby: Firstly, the book is set there, Secondly, we can get a good tax deal if we film there. And thirdly, we’ve already started setting up there.
Ford: Ah, that’s a shame. I had my heart on Death Valley, in California.
Harry: We thought you would, having shot 27 motion pictures there already.
Ford: It’s so much more picturesque for stagecoach chases.
Cubby: Ah yes, we were coming to that- no stagecoach chases.
Ford: But-
Harry: No bows & arrows, no riding shotgun.
Cubby: No covered wagons, no outlaws.
Ford: Ah, you see-
Harry: We are in Jamaica in the early 1960s. A car chase you can have- two, tops.
Ford: (Glumly.) All right.
Cubby: Now, about the leading ladies.
Ford: You don’t like what I had in mind?
Harry: I’m afraid we don’t, no. No young ladies dancing in saloons, hanging on to our hero’s arm.
Ford: Aw.
Cubby: And speaking of which, our hero doesn’t ride up to a saloon on horseback then go in and order a shot of red-eye. He drinks vodka martini, shaken not stirred, and he drives a car.
Ford: Are you sure?
Harry: We are very sure. Just as we are sure that he isn’t called Two Gun Jim.
Cubby: Or the Walther Kid.
Harry: Or Buffalo Bond.
Ford: Well, I guess I’ll just have to go away and think about it.
(He gets up to go.)
Cubby: Yes, thanks.
Harry: Oh, and one more thing.
Ford: Yes?
Cubby: You can’t have John Wayne play James Bond.
Ford: Aw….
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,920Chief of Staff
Shame that didn’t come to fruition…I’m sure I could have helped with casting…especially with the saloon ladies 🤗🤣
I’ve heard the rumours of Clint Eastwood bring considered for Bond, but John Wayne, that’s interesting 🤔
John Wayne’s Bond:
Friend, there's nobody up there shooting back at you. It isn't always being fast or even accurate that counts. It's being willing. I found out early that most men, regardless of cause or need, aren't willing. They blink an eye or draw a breath before they pull the trigger. I won't.
I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, and I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them
The hell I do.
I don't believe I ever killed a man that didn't deserve it.
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
I know what you're thinking, "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I've kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a Walther PPK, with a delivery like a brick through a plate glass window, you've got to ask yourself a question: "Do I feel lucky?" ....
1972. James Bond’s flat. M and Miss Moneypenny have come to call. Miss Caruso is hiding in the wardrobe.
Moneypenny: I've got your ticket to New York. Q has repaired your wristwatch. And some background on San Monique.
Bond: Thank you, Moneypenny.
M: (Crustily.) I'm sure the overburdened British taxpayer will be fascinated to know how the Special Ordnance Section disburses its funds. In future, Commander, may I suggest a perfectly adequate watchmaker just down the street.
(Bond pulls out a button on his watch. M’s spoon flies from his coffee cup to Bond’s watch.)
M: Good God!
Bond: (Full Roger lecture mode.) Pulling out this button –
(A fork and spoon fly over from the sink and join the spoon, with a loud “clang!”)
Moneypenny: Oh!
Bond: (Unperturbed.) – turns the watch into a –
(M’s watch is pulled over to Bond’s, leaving them linked at the wrist. The coffee cup goes flying, but is safely caught by Miss Moneypenny.)
M: Bond! Help!
Bond: (Carrying on smoothly.) – hyperintensified magnetic field -
(Moneypenny’s jewellery pulls her over to join M and Bond, causing them to waltz around the room.)
Bond: - strong enough to …. to ….
(Bond gives up talking since no-one is listening. Miss Caruso comes flying out of the wardrobe, pulled by the zipper on her dress which she is frantically clutching with one hand while attempting, unsuccessfully, to cover her breasts with the other. She joins the MI6 three and they finally all crash down on the floor before Bond manages to turn the hyperintensified magnetic field off. M is first to recover. He sits up and looks at the beautiful Italian agent.)
M: Miss Caruso, I presume?
Miss Caruso: Caruso! Si!
Bond: Ah, I can explain everything, sir, if you –
M: Oh be quiet, Bond. Moneypenny, contact 008. Bond .... you come with me.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,920Chief of Staff
@Sir Miles It is a type of farting. I wouldn't have thought of it had you not made that comment. I'm completely innocent in this. 😀
@Barbel It just occurred to me most zippers are non-magnetic. Sterling silver is also non-magnetic. Is Bond's cutlery base iron? Good thing M didn't have a pacemaker. I want to see the discussion where Q convinced M to be his errand boy.
Comments
1995. The Glen household. John is pacing up and down furiously, never getting too far away from the telephone, while his wife looks on concernedly.
Mrs Glen: Oh sit down, John, why don’t you?
John: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Mrs Glen: Try and relax.
John: Relax? Can’t you see I can’t relax!
Mrs Glen: Look, let me make you a nice cup of tea and-
John: Tea? I can’t think of tea at a time like this!
Mrs Glen: What do you mean, a time like this? Nothing is happening.
John: That’s just it, nothing is happening! And I happen to know that they are starting work on the new James Bond film “GoldenEye” this week!
Mrs Glen: But, John -
John: And they haven’t contacted me!
Mrs Glen: But-
John: Me! Didn’t I direct five James Bond films in the 1980s?
Mrs Glen: Yes, John, of course you -
John: More than any other director, I might add.
Mrs Glen: Yes, I know.
John: Didn’t I direct Roger Moore’s last three and Timothy Dalton’s only two?
Mrs Glen: (Who knows all this perfectly well.) Of course you did, John.
John: Well, then, they have to call me!
Mrs Glen: Didn’t you tell me that you and Timothy Dalton had disagreements on the last one, now what was it called, “Living To Kill”?
John: “Licence To Kill”, my love. Yes, you’re right, but that doesn’t matter- he’s gone, it’s Pierce Brosnan now.
Mrs Glen: Ah, the guy from “Remington Steele”.
John: So, you get that right but you can’t remember the names of my James Bond films?
Mrs Glen: Well, they’re all the same, aren’t they?
John: All the same? All the same? You’re trying to tell me that I took all that trouble to make “Octopussy” look like it was really taking place in India
and it’s just the same as “Moonraker” being set in Outer Space?
Mrs Glen: Well, maybe not but –
(The telephone rings, the sound harshly interrupting their duologue. John reaches for the receiver.)
John: Hello? …. Yes, this is John …. Oh, hi there …. Outer Space, you say? ….. Yes, I believe I can handle that …. Yes, ‘ll see you Monday morning at the studio …. Bye. (He hangs up.)
Mrs Glen: Well? Was it Eon? Are you to do more James Bond?
John: (Glumly.) No, it was Gerry Anderson. I’ve to direct his new show “Space Precinct”.
I thought these were imaginary? 🤭🤣
John Glen had to put up with some things during his Bond years…mainly a tiny budget 🫣
Well, any budget would be tiny after MR!
Brilliant!
Thank you!
I haven’t seen Space Precinct but I guess it’s a bit of a sad ending for John Glen’s directing career?
Great sketch, though 😁👏
Thank you, and Sir Miles of course. There's scope for someone to write about all the connections between the Bond world and that of Gerry Anderson but that won't be me. I do know that I'm not quite finished with John Glen, though, and I want to write more about him.
1977. Pinewood Studios. Editor John Glen and Director Lewis Gilbert are going over the final edit of their film, “The Spy Who Loved Me”.
John: Lewis, I’ve noticed something while editing the rushes together.
Lewis: Oh? What’s that, John?
John: Sometimes Bond is holding his Walther PPK but at other times he’s holding a Beretta.
Lewis: Well spotted, John, but I don’t think anyone other than a gun expert will notice that.
John: All right, well, this scene near the end with the bomb?
Lewis: Yes?
John: Well, after Bond sets the timer we can hear twelve ticks yet when we see the timer again only seven ticks should have happened.
Lewis: (Thinking fast.) Ah… that was deliberate.
John: (Sceptical.) Deliberate?
Lewis: Yes, of course. It’s a tribute to the climax of “Goldfinger” when the bomb is going to explode in Fort Knox- Bond says there were only three seconds left but the timer says 007.
John: Right… Now, when Anya is walking inside the sub up to the hatch she doesn’t have a hat.
Lewis: Okay…
John: Then suddenly she’s wearing one to hide her hair, yet nobody else in the crew is wearing one.
Lewis: Shane Rimmer is.
John: He’s the Captain, Navy Captains wear hats to be easily identified.
Lewis: And he isn’t wearing one inside the submarine either.
John: Of course not, it’s his submarine. The crew all know who he is.
Lewis: She could have had one in her pocket.
John: But-
Lewis: It’s not the most important point, John, there’s plenty going on there.
John: If you say so. Now, we are supposed to see two different nuclear missiles being launched from the two submarines but you’ve only given me one shot to work with.
Lewis: No problem, just reverse it and darken it a bit. No-one will notice.
John: Right… well, how come the shark which Jaws kills floats on the surface instead of sinking to the bottom?
Lewis: Just leave it unless David Attenborough writes in, then we’ll change it.
John: Okay, you know the scene where Bond visits Faslane and meets the Minister?
Lewis: Yes, of course.
John: That’s supposed to be Scotland but it isn’t raining.
Lewis: Only really obsessed Bond fans living in Scotland would notice that. Right, that’s enough now.
John: If you insist, Lewis, but-
Lewis: No, I don’t want to hear any more mistakes. Have you got the end credits in place?
John: Sure, have a look.
Lewis: Good. I can’t see any problems with that.
That’s the first thing wrong I noticed about TSWLM - that is wasn’t raining in Scotland 🤣
Bravo 👏🏻
Lewis: Only really obsessed Bond fans living in Scotland would notice that. Right, that’s enough now.
Now, who on Earth could that be? 🤣
Thanks, guys. CHB, I have no idea at all. 😊
1962. Eon HQ, still only an office. Cubby and Harry are interviewing potential directors for their first James Bond film, “Dr No”.
Harry: Come in, Mr Ford, have a seat.
John Ford: Thank you. (Sits.)
Cubby: Now, Harry and I have been reading your thoughts about what you’d like to do with our film “Dr No”.
Ford: Oh yes?
Harry: And we have one or two comments to make. Firstly, we’re dead set on making this film in Jamaica.
Ford: And why is that?
Cubby: Firstly, the book is set there, Secondly, we can get a good tax deal if we film there. And thirdly, we’ve already started setting up there.
Ford: Ah, that’s a shame. I had my heart on Death Valley, in California.
Harry: We thought you would, having shot 27 motion pictures there already.
Ford: It’s so much more picturesque for stagecoach chases.
Cubby: Ah yes, we were coming to that- no stagecoach chases.
Ford: But-
Harry: No bows & arrows, no riding shotgun.
Cubby: No covered wagons, no outlaws.
Ford: Ah, you see-
Harry: We are in Jamaica in the early 1960s. A car chase you can have- two, tops.
Ford: (Glumly.) All right.
Cubby: Now, about the leading ladies.
Ford: You don’t like what I had in mind?
Harry: I’m afraid we don’t, no. No young ladies dancing in saloons, hanging on to our hero’s arm.
Ford: Aw.
Cubby: And speaking of which, our hero doesn’t ride up to a saloon on horseback then go in and order a shot of red-eye. He drinks vodka martini, shaken not stirred, and he drives a car.
Ford: Are you sure?
Harry: We are very sure. Just as we are sure that he isn’t called Two Gun Jim.
Cubby: Or the Walther Kid.
Harry: Or Buffalo Bond.
Ford: Well, I guess I’ll just have to go away and think about it.
(He gets up to go.)
Cubby: Yes, thanks.
Harry: Oh, and one more thing.
Ford: Yes?
Cubby: You can’t have John Wayne play James Bond.
Ford: Aw….
Shame that didn’t come to fruition…I’m sure I could have helped with casting…especially with the saloon ladies 🤗🤣
but he couldve filmed the Spectreville scenes from Flemings Diamonds are Forever
I’ve heard the rumours of Clint Eastwood bring considered for Bond, but John Wayne, that’s interesting 🤔
John Wayne’s Bond:
Friend, there's nobody up there shooting back at you. It isn't always being fast or even accurate that counts. It's being willing. I found out early that most men, regardless of cause or need, aren't willing. They blink an eye or draw a breath before they pull the trigger. I won't.
I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, and I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them
The hell I do.
I don't believe I ever killed a man that didn't deserve it.
@Sir Miles I bet you'd have loved that!
@caractacus potts That's one of the great unfilmed Fleming sequences which I'd love to see. Obviously it has to be followed by the giant squid fight.
@CoolHandBond I can just picture Clint...
I know what you're thinking, "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I've kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a Walther PPK, with a delivery like a brick through a plate glass window, you've got to ask yourself a question: "Do I feel lucky?" ....
1981. Cortina. An ice cream parlour, not far from Bond’s hotel.
Ice Cream Vendor: Good evening, sir and madam.
Bond: Good evening. Now, Bibi, which flavour would you like?
Bibi: You’re serious?
Bond: But of course. A promise is a promise.
Bibi: It’s not an ice cream that I want!
Bond: Yes, well, I think we all know what you want, Bibi.
But I think you’re just a little, er, …
Bibi: You think I’m too young?
Bond: Well, I wasn’t going to say exactly that.
Bibi: Oh, you were going to say that I’m too young for you personally?
Bond: Ah, that thought has occurred to me.
Bibi: Well, what age are you, then?
Bondi: That’s not the sort of question a gentleman answers.
Bibi: Got something to hide, eh?
Ice Cream Vendor: Has your daughter decided which flavour she would like, sir?
Bibi: Daughter!?!?
Bond: This, er, isn’t my daughter.
Ice Cream Vendor: Oh, sorry. Has your granddaughter decided which flavour she would like?
Bibi: Right, I’ve had enough.
(Bibi turns and quickly knees an unsuspecting Bond straight in his groin before stomping off.)
Bond: (Collapsing.) Ooof!
Ice Cream Vendor: Crushed nuts it is, sir.
🤣🤣🤣
Ooof! 😂😂😂 very good
Thanks, guys.
If "Tomorrow Never Dies" took place in 2024. M’s office.
M: Now, I expect you know why we’re all gathered here, 007.
Bond: Yes, ma’am, but-
M: That’s enough. Now, Robinson, tell us what you heard in the car.
Charles Robinson: (Reluctantly.) Well, er, ….
M: Out with it, man!
Robinson: (Very reluctantly.) I heard 007 make some comment about… about pumping Moneypenny.
M: Pumping Moneypenny.
Robinson: Yes, ma’am, and… and something about how much would be required.
M: How much what?
Robinson: (Agonizingly slowly.) How much pumping would be required.
M: Anything to say, 007?
Bond: Well, ma’am, I do believe it was you who first used the word “pumping”, not me.
M: I am not the one on a sexual harassment charge, 007! Now, Miss Moneypenny?
Moneypenny: (Dabbing away tears.) Y-yes, ma’am?
M: Did 007 make a comment to you in the car?
Moneypenny: (Slowly at first then getting faster and faster.) Well, I don’t know, I suppose he may have done but I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by –
M: Did he or did he not make a comment to you?
Moneypenny: Waaahhhh! (Face into handkerchief.)
M: All right, I think we can take that as a “yes”.
Bond: But-
M: Had you perhaps been drinking, 007?
Bond: Never touch the stuff.
Tanner: Look, ma’am, I don’t believe that 007 has had a fair chance of defending himself.
M: Silence, Tanner! Now, 007, I have no alternative but-
(Sirens wail. Bells ring. Klaxons sound.)
M: What…? (Her phone rings.) What is it? … Say that again! … China and the United Kingdom are now in a state of nuclear-
(There is a massive explosion. The MI6 building and half of London disappears under a mushroom cloud.)
Pumping….🤭🤣 to my childlike sense of humour, I can’t get past that meaning farting 🤗 makes that whole scene take on a different meaning 😵💫🤣
Imagine the charges against Bond if Pussy Galore testified 😳
There could be some queefing involved with the pumping.
And I thought the comic strip thread might be getting a bit close to the knuckle 😂
Very topical and of course, very good Barbel 🤣👏
Oh, for the good old days when men were men and…
Thank you, gentlemen, you're very kind. At least I think you are- @Westward_Drift what's queefing?
1972. James Bond’s flat. M and Miss Moneypenny have come to call. Miss Caruso is hiding in the wardrobe.
Moneypenny: I've got your ticket to New York. Q has repaired your wristwatch. And some background on San Monique.
Bond: Thank you, Moneypenny.
M: (Crustily.) I'm sure the overburdened British taxpayer will be fascinated to know how the Special Ordnance Section disburses its funds. In future, Commander, may I suggest a perfectly adequate watchmaker just down the street.
(Bond pulls out a button on his watch. M’s spoon flies from his coffee cup to Bond’s watch.)
M: Good God!
Bond: (Full Roger lecture mode.) Pulling out this button –
(A fork and spoon fly over from the sink and join the spoon, with a loud “clang!”)
Moneypenny: Oh!
Bond: (Unperturbed.) – turns the watch into a –
(M’s watch is pulled over to Bond’s, leaving them linked at the wrist. The coffee cup goes flying, but is safely caught by Miss Moneypenny.)
M: Bond! Help!
Bond: (Carrying on smoothly.) – hyperintensified magnetic field -
(Moneypenny’s jewellery pulls her over to join M and Bond, causing them to waltz around the room.)
Bond: - strong enough to …. to ….
(Bond gives up talking since no-one is listening. Miss Caruso comes flying out of the wardrobe, pulled by the zipper on her dress which she is frantically clutching with one hand while attempting, unsuccessfully, to cover her breasts with the other. She joins the MI6 three and they finally all crash down on the floor before Bond manages to turn the hyperintensified magnetic field off. M is first to recover. He sits up and looks at the beautiful Italian agent.)
M: Miss Caruso, I presume?
Miss Caruso: Caruso! Si!
Bond: Ah, I can explain everything, sir, if you –
M: Oh be quiet, Bond. Moneypenny, contact 008. Bond .... you come with me.
That’s something that really shouldn’t be shared on this board 😳
Let's just look that up ..... Oh! 😯 Yes, you're right!
Er ..... Nice weather today.
Yes, a bit windy though 🤭
@Sir Miles It is a type of farting. I wouldn't have thought of it had you not made that comment. I'm completely innocent in this. 😀
@Barbel It just occurred to me most zippers are non-magnetic. Sterling silver is also non-magnetic. Is Bond's cutlery base iron? Good thing M didn't have a pacemaker. I want to see the discussion where Q convinced M to be his errand boy.
And so you shall, though not immediately.
Miss Caruso's zipper is definitely magnetic -
- though Madeleine Smith's wasn't. However I didn't check the cutlery.