I have not as yet ever fed any of my employees to a shark, although I admit that sometimes I may have felt like doing exactly that. I am a tough producer, but not that tough.
😂🤣
Now we need to know who these people are, Barbel, I know you have the recordings, somewhere 😁
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
One of the granddaughters asked for a glass of Mango tea. She didn't understand why I held it above her head and laughed like the fool I am for ages. The Bride, who did understand, told me to stop it at once and give the kid her drink.
Thank you, CHB 😊. Someday those recordings will inevitably surface, don't worry.
Meanwhile, though, we have started a new page since the last Imaginary Conversation and you know what that means. Someone somewhere is pacing back and forth, waiting for the phone to ring ...
Great, Barbel. Next thing you tell me the universal studios shark is "racist" towards the image of sharks in human society! You are an almost perfect lobbyist for predators, but I forgive you!
1984, on the Set of A View to a Kill in front of the Eiffel-Tower.
Roger Moore waves some imaginary dust of his right shoulder: "No, I won´t do that, I am not driving in half of a Renault with only two wheels! Take the French stuntman, who did the scene where the Renault looses its roof!"
John Glen insists: " It could easily be maneuvered for some quick totals of you! That would add realism to the scenes! This was designed for you to be in it!"
Roger denies him: "No Way! This reminds me of the Stromberg Confrontation in Spy! Those explosives under my chair went off too early and bruised and burned my Moviestar arse! I could not sit for half a year! They said it was safe! My agents would kill me, if they knew, I went again this far.
Q: Now, pay attention, 007. Take this little gadget here.
Bond: Looksh like shome short of moushetrap.
Q: More of a rat trap, I’d say. If you think there is any chance of you being caught and searched, pull back this spring here and insert it into your holster.
Bond: I think I get it. If shomeone triesh to take my gun out of the holshter-
Q: That’s right, their fingers are painfully trapped.
Bond: Now, I jusht put it in here and OW!
1972
M: Right, Miss Moneypenny, come with me to visit 007.
Moneypenny: Certainly, sir.
Q: Oh sir, if you’re going to see 007 I have this watch to give him, would you mind-
M: Since when have I been your errand boy, Major?* I have important instructions to give 007!
Moneypenny: I’ll do it, Q, just give it here.
Q: Thank you Miss Moneypenny, and don’t forget to tell him that it can be used as a miniature buzz saw if-
(But Moneypenny and M have gone.)
Q: Oh, blast. I hope he figures it out.
1974.
Q: Ah, there you are, 007.
Bond: But of course, Q.
Q: Now come here and take your shirt off.
Bond: (Doing so.) You never say that as if you meant it.
Q: Now stop that, you know this whole thing was your idea. Just face me a bit…
Bond: My idea? I mean, you’ve always had my respect but that’s about as far as I-
Q: Oh be quiet. I’m trying to examine your nipples.
Bond: Now Q, you’re a lovely fellow but not quite my type if you see what I mean.
Q: I have to decide where to place the extra one.
Bond: (Reddening.) Ah. Yes. Of course you do.
1977.
Bond: I trust you have everything prepared for my trip to Berngarten, Q.
Q: Naturally, 007, you would expect no less. Now pay attention: this is your new watch.
Bond: Digital, I see.
Q: Yes, all wristwatches will be made this way soon. There’s no way that this is just a passing fad which will seem dated in a few years time.
Bond: Certainly. By the way, good pun, Q- “time”.
Q: Enough of your adolescent jokes. This also includes a miniature message system, causing instructions from M to be typed inside the device then emerge so you can see them.
Bond: That doesn’t seem overly complicated and contrived at all. Now, do you have the parachute I asked for?
Q: But of course, here, have a look.
Bond: This is just plain white.
Q: Of course it is. If you should happen to be being chased by a gang of machinegun-wielding Russian agents and be obliged to ski over the edge of a mountainous precipice to escape them, you’ll want your parachute to be white so that it blends in with the snow and doesn’t make you an easy target.
Bond: But I wanted one with the Union Flag on it.
Q: Oh, don’t be foolish, 007!
*This line is for @Westward_Drift who wondered about this very situation a couple of pages back.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,920Chief of Staff
edited September 1
Brilliant 👏🏻🤣
And the 1974 ‘nipple’ scene is more than good enough to have been included in the film 👍🏻
Although, and I know I’m being pedantic…but it’s a Union Flag…🤗
Yes, you're quite right and I've corrected the flag situation. My only excuse is the speed with which I write these (I find stream of consciousness much the most creative way to write).
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,920Chief of Staff
No, it’s fine…🤣 everyone tells me it’s the autistic pedant in me 🤗
Thanks, CHB, and this one's for you cos of what you said above re Cubby.
1965
Palmyra, Nassau. The three producers of “Thunderball” (Cubby Broccoli, Harry Saltzman, and Kevin McClory) are walking around what will be Largo’s place in the film.
Harry: … and this is where Bond and Largo do some skeet shooting.
Cubby: I hope Dick comes up with some witty lines for that part.
Harry: Don’t worry, I’m sure he will.
Kevin: Ah yes, the skeet shooting. I wrote that bit.
(Cubby’s eyes roll as they walk on.)
Harry: This is obviously the swimming pool.
Cubby: Yes, another excuse for us to have Domino in a bikini.
Kevin: Domino, my beautiful Domino. I created that character, you know.
(They continue to walk, Cubby silently fuming.)
Harry: And this is the other pool, see the sharks there?
Cubby: Golden grotto sharks. The most savage, the most dangerous.
Kevin: My idea, of course, to have these sharks.
(Cubby has had enough. He pushes Kevin into the water, then thinks for a second or two and shoves Harry in as well.)
Harry: (Splashing as the sharks approach.) Cubby! What are you- Aargh!
Cubby: They know when it is time for them to be fed.
Kevin: Cubby! Cubby! Cubby!
(Kevin’s voice merges into that of Cubby’s beloved wife, Dana.)
Dana: Cubby! Cubby!
Cubby: (Waking up.) What? Oh, Dana!
(He looks around. He’s in his bed at Broccoli Mansions. Dana is approaching carrying a tray with coffee, their little daughter Barbara clinging to her mother’s skirt.)
Cubby: Oh!
Barbara: Good morning, Daddy.
Cubby: Good morning to both of you.
Dana: Here, sit up. Have you been dreaming again?
Cubby: Yes, another dream.
Dana: Not a nightmare?
Cubby: No, quite a pleasant one, actually.
Barbara: Mummy let me make the coffee for you.
Dana: Oh my darling, Mummy was going to let you make the coffee but you were taking such a dreadfully long time about it I had to take over.
Cubby: Is she still doing things very, very slowly?
Dana: Yes, I’m afraid so. I hope she grows out of that. Here, drink some coffee.
1965. Eon HQ, under Pinewood Studios. Harry Saltzman & Cubby Broccoli are interviewing potential writers and directors, and are discussing the next one due.
Harry: Him? Surely not.
Cubby: I’m surprised myself. I would have thought he was too big a fish for our net.
Harry: In the cinema, he’s more like a whale than a fish.
Cubby: Exactly. Really, he shouldn’t be here.
Harry: Well, let’s ask him and see what he says. (Presses a button on the intercom.) Send in the next applicant, please.
Secretary: Yes, Mr Saltzman.
(The door opens and a man in his sixties enters. He has a pencil moustache and is very smartly dressed.)
Cubby: Well, there’s no need to ask your name. Have a seat, please, Mr Disney.
Disney: (Sitting down.) Call me Walt, please.
Harry: Walt it is. I have to say we were very surprised to see you applying to make one of our James Bond films.
Walt: Yes, I thought you might be.
Cubby: After all, as head of your own very successful studio you’re a household name and can make any film you like.
Walt: That’s true, but I’ve just had a very stressful time and I think I need a break from my usual routine.
Harry: Stressful time?
Walt: Well, I suppose it’s no secret that I had major disagreements with the woman who wrote “Mary Poppins”.
Honestly, I just need a break and I thought I’d go for something very different.
Cubby: Well, I can see your point. Now, Harry and I have been having a look through your suggested storyline and we have some comments.
Walt: Oh yes?
Harry: In the first place, our hero uses a Walther PPK and not a cutlass when he’s dealing with his enemies.
Walt: Oh, but I think-
Cubby: And he travels around in an Aston Martin DB5, not a coach that turns into a pumpkin at midnight pulled by four horses that used to be mice.
Walt: Now, that's-
Harry: Also, when he kisses the beautiful girl she does not go to sleep for a hundred years.
Walt: She doesn't?
Cubby: It sort of defeats the purpose. Now, about the cat.
Walt: Cats, plural, surely.
Harry: We did tell you that our villain strokes a white cat.
Walt: That’s true, you did.
Cubby: We did not tell you that he had a whole bunch of cats strolling around Paris, singing their little feline hearts out!
Walt: Everyone loves cats! One isn’t enough!
Harry: One white cat and that’s all.
Walt: Wait, what about… Siamese?
Cubby: A Siamese cat?
Walt: No, two of them
and they can sing and dance together and-
Harry: No, one white cat we ordered and one white cat we want.
Walt: Aw.
Cubby: Now, do you think you know what we want from a script for a James Bond movie?
Walt: I think I’ve got the… bare necessities.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,920Chief of Staff
Loved that one 🤣
I suppose, just like Walt…they put that idea on ice 🥶
Re Disney: you're thinking of John Gardner's Bond novel "Never Send Flowers" and our resident Gardner expert is @Silhouette Man who may have more to tell you since it's one of his favourites.
Comments
I have not as yet ever fed any of my employees to a shark, although I admit that sometimes I may have felt like doing exactly that. I am a tough producer, but not that tough.
😂🤣
Now we need to know who these people are, Barbel, I know you have the recordings, somewhere 😁
Roger Moore Bond is alive and well within Mr Barbel 🤣👏
It really is the minutiae that gets us 🤣
I've mentioned this one before-
One of the granddaughters asked for a glass of Mango tea. She didn't understand why I held it above her head and laughed like the fool I am for ages. The Bride, who did understand, told me to stop it at once and give the kid her drink.
Thank you, CHB 😊. Someday those recordings will inevitably surface, don't worry.
Meanwhile, though, we have started a new page since the last Imaginary Conversation and you know what that means. Someone somewhere is pacing back and forth, waiting for the phone to ring ...
1977. The Hamilton household. Guy is pacing back and forth, never getting too far away from the telephone. His worried wife looks on, concernedly.
Mrs Hamilton: Oh sit down, Guy, why don’t you?
Guy: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Mrs Hamilton: Just relax and-
Guy: I can’t relax!
Mrs Hamilton: Look, just relax and I’ll make you a nice cup of coffee.
Guy: Coffee? I can’t think of coffee at a time like this!
Mrs Hamilton: What do you mean, a time like this? Nothing is happening!
Guy: That’s just it- nothing is happening! That phone should be ringing by now!
Mrs Hamilton: The phone? Who do you think should be calling you?
Guy: Eon, the James Bond people, of course.
Mrs Hamilton: But you told them you wanted to direct “Superman” so wouldn’t be available to direct their next Bond movie, “The Spy Who Loved Me”.
Guy: Yes, but that fell through and now they’ve got Richard Donner directing that. I want to go back to Bond.
Mrs Hamilton: Well, you’ve left that a bit late and I’m sure they already have someone picked out to be their director.
Guy: But it’s got to be me! Didn’t I direct what most people call the best scene in a Bond film ever?
Mrs Hamilton: Yes, you did, but you also directed what many people call the worst scene ever!
Guy: Didn’t I give them the best henchmen?
Mrs Hamilton: And the worst, too!
Guy: Didn’t I direct their last three movies?
Mrs Hamilton: And you also told them you were quitting!
Guy: Look, I’ll just have a word with Harry and-
Mrs Hamilton: Harry’s quit too, Guy.
Guy: Oh yes, that’s right.
Mrs Hamilton: It’s just Cubby now.
Guy: Well, that’s okay, Cubby and I have always been on good terms.
Mrs Hamilton: Yes, but he’s on better terms with Lewis Gilbert.
Guy: Gilbert? All he wants is big lairs with monorails! Explosions! Boom! Bang!
Mrs Hamilton: Maybe that’s what Cubby wants.
Guy: What? Do a film that's “You Only Live Twice” all over again? That’ll never work.
No, it certainly won’t 🤣🤣
Another well thought-out imaginary conversation👀 👏🏻
Great, Barbel. Next thing you tell me the universal studios shark is "racist" towards the image of sharks in human society! You are an almost perfect lobbyist for predators, but I forgive you!
Paris.
1984, on the Set of A View to a Kill in front of the Eiffel-Tower.
Roger Moore waves some imaginary dust of his right shoulder: "No, I won´t do that, I am not driving in half of a Renault with only two wheels! Take the French stuntman, who did the scene where the Renault looses its roof!"
John Glen insists: " It could easily be maneuvered for some quick totals of you! That would add realism to the scenes! This was designed for you to be in it!"
Roger denies him: "No Way! This reminds me of the Stromberg Confrontation in Spy! Those explosives under my chair went off too early and bruised and burned my Moviestar arse! I could not sit for half a year! They said it was safe! My agents would kill me, if they knew, I went again this far.
"
Thanks! Of course, we mustn't be sharkist or Miss Snowflake will write us a letter.
Roger and his stuntmen provide a rich vein of comedy.
@Barbel I love the “pacers” sketches and this one’s a beaut! 😂
@Xando Excellent 😂 great picture too!
Thank you, CHB! 😀
Q scenes we didn’t get to see
1971
Q: Now, pay attention, 007. Take this little gadget here.
Bond: Looksh like shome short of moushetrap.
Q: More of a rat trap, I’d say. If you think there is any chance of you being caught and searched, pull back this spring here and insert it into your holster.
Bond: I think I get it. If shomeone triesh to take my gun out of the holshter-
Q: That’s right, their fingers are painfully trapped.
Bond: Now, I jusht put it in here and OW!
1972
M: Right, Miss Moneypenny, come with me to visit 007.
Moneypenny: Certainly, sir.
Q: Oh sir, if you’re going to see 007 I have this watch to give him, would you mind-
M: Since when have I been your errand boy, Major?* I have important instructions to give 007!
Moneypenny: I’ll do it, Q, just give it here.
Q: Thank you Miss Moneypenny, and don’t forget to tell him that it can be used as a miniature buzz saw if-
(But Moneypenny and M have gone.)
Q: Oh, blast. I hope he figures it out.
1974.
Q: Ah, there you are, 007.
Bond: But of course, Q.
Q: Now come here and take your shirt off.
Bond: (Doing so.) You never say that as if you meant it.
Q: Now stop that, you know this whole thing was your idea. Just face me a bit…
Bond: My idea? I mean, you’ve always had my respect but that’s about as far as I-
Q: Oh be quiet. I’m trying to examine your nipples.
Bond: Now Q, you’re a lovely fellow but not quite my type if you see what I mean.
Q: I have to decide where to place the extra one.
Bond: (Reddening.) Ah. Yes. Of course you do.
1977.
Bond: I trust you have everything prepared for my trip to Berngarten, Q.
Q: Naturally, 007, you would expect no less. Now pay attention: this is your new watch.
Bond: Digital, I see.
Q: Yes, all wristwatches will be made this way soon. There’s no way that this is just a passing fad which will seem dated in a few years time.
Bond: Certainly. By the way, good pun, Q- “time”.
Q: Enough of your adolescent jokes. This also includes a miniature message system, causing instructions from M to be typed inside the device then emerge so you can see them.
Bond: That doesn’t seem overly complicated and contrived at all. Now, do you have the parachute I asked for?
Q: But of course, here, have a look.
Bond: This is just plain white.
Q: Of course it is. If you should happen to be being chased by a gang of machinegun-wielding Russian agents and be obliged to ski over the edge of a mountainous precipice to escape them, you’ll want your parachute to be white so that it blends in with the snow and doesn’t make you an easy target.
Bond: But I wanted one with the Union Flag on it.
Q: Oh, don’t be foolish, 007!
*This line is for @Westward_Drift who wondered about this very situation a couple of pages back.
Brilliant 👏🏻🤣
And the 1974 ‘nipple’ scene is more than good enough to have been included in the film 👍🏻
Although, and I know I’m being pedantic…but it’s a Union Flag…🤗
Thank you, Sir M, my inner Maibaum is glowing.
Yes, you're quite right and I've corrected the flag situation. My only excuse is the speed with which I write these (I find stream of consciousness much the most creative way to write).
No, it’s fine…🤣 everyone tells me it’s the autistic pedant in me 🤗
That tape watch was ridiculous, unlike your conversation which was superb 😂🤣👏
Thanks, CHB, and this one's for you cos of what you said above re Cubby.
1965
Palmyra, Nassau. The three producers of “Thunderball” (Cubby Broccoli, Harry Saltzman, and Kevin McClory) are walking around what will be Largo’s place in the film.
Harry: … and this is where Bond and Largo do some skeet shooting.
Cubby: I hope Dick comes up with some witty lines for that part.
Harry: Don’t worry, I’m sure he will.
Kevin: Ah yes, the skeet shooting. I wrote that bit.
(Cubby’s eyes roll as they walk on.)
Harry: This is obviously the swimming pool.
Cubby: Yes, another excuse for us to have Domino in a bikini.
Kevin: Domino, my beautiful Domino. I created that character, you know.
(They continue to walk, Cubby silently fuming.)
Harry: And this is the other pool, see the sharks there?
Cubby: Golden grotto sharks. The most savage, the most dangerous.
Kevin: My idea, of course, to have these sharks.
(Cubby has had enough. He pushes Kevin into the water, then thinks for a second or two and shoves Harry in as well.)
Harry: (Splashing as the sharks approach.) Cubby! What are you- Aargh!
Cubby: They know when it is time for them to be fed.
Kevin: Cubby! Cubby! Cubby!
(Kevin’s voice merges into that of Cubby’s beloved wife, Dana.)
Dana: Cubby! Cubby!
Cubby: (Waking up.) What? Oh, Dana!
(He looks around. He’s in his bed at Broccoli Mansions. Dana is approaching carrying a tray with coffee, their little daughter Barbara clinging to her mother’s skirt.)
Cubby: Oh!
Barbara: Good morning, Daddy.
Cubby: Good morning to both of you.
Dana: Here, sit up. Have you been dreaming again?
Cubby: Yes, another dream.
Dana: Not a nightmare?
Cubby: No, quite a pleasant one, actually.
Barbara: Mummy let me make the coffee for you.
Dana: Oh my darling, Mummy was going to let you make the coffee but you were taking such a dreadfully long time about it I had to take over.
Cubby: Is she still doing things very, very slowly?
Dana: Yes, I’m afraid so. I hope she grows out of that. Here, drink some coffee.
😅🤣😂
Imaginary you say? 🤔🤭🤣
Thank you, Barbel, that’s a classic 😂🤣😂
And thank you, guys, much appreciated.
1965. Eon HQ, under Pinewood Studios. Harry Saltzman & Cubby Broccoli are interviewing potential writers and directors, and are discussing the next one due.
Harry: Him? Surely not.
Cubby: I’m surprised myself. I would have thought he was too big a fish for our net.
Harry: In the cinema, he’s more like a whale than a fish.
Cubby: Exactly. Really, he shouldn’t be here.
Harry: Well, let’s ask him and see what he says. (Presses a button on the intercom.) Send in the next applicant, please.
Secretary: Yes, Mr Saltzman.
(The door opens and a man in his sixties enters. He has a pencil moustache and is very smartly dressed.)
Cubby: Well, there’s no need to ask your name. Have a seat, please, Mr Disney.
Disney: (Sitting down.) Call me Walt, please.
Harry: Walt it is. I have to say we were very surprised to see you applying to make one of our James Bond films.
Walt: Yes, I thought you might be.
Cubby: After all, as head of your own very successful studio you’re a household name and can make any film you like.
Walt: That’s true, but I’ve just had a very stressful time and I think I need a break from my usual routine.
Harry: Stressful time?
Walt: Well, I suppose it’s no secret that I had major disagreements with the woman who wrote “Mary Poppins”.
Honestly, I just need a break and I thought I’d go for something very different.
Cubby: Well, I can see your point. Now, Harry and I have been having a look through your suggested storyline and we have some comments.
Walt: Oh yes?
Harry: In the first place, our hero uses a Walther PPK and not a cutlass when he’s dealing with his enemies.
Walt: Oh, but I think-
Cubby: And he travels around in an Aston Martin DB5, not a coach that turns into a pumpkin at midnight pulled by four horses that used to be mice.
Walt: Now, that's-
Harry: Also, when he kisses the beautiful girl she does not go to sleep for a hundred years.
Walt: She doesn't?
Cubby: It sort of defeats the purpose. Now, about the cat.
Walt: Cats, plural, surely.
Harry: We did tell you that our villain strokes a white cat.
Walt: That’s true, you did.
Cubby: We did not tell you that he had a whole bunch of cats strolling around Paris, singing their little feline hearts out!
Walt: Everyone loves cats! One isn’t enough!
Harry: One white cat and that’s all.
Walt: Wait, what about… Siamese?
Cubby: A Siamese cat?
Walt: No, two of them
and they can sing and dance together and-
Harry: No, one white cat we ordered and one white cat we want.
Walt: Aw.
Cubby: Now, do you think you know what we want from a script for a James Bond movie?
Walt: I think I’ve got the… bare necessities.
Loved that one 🤣
I suppose, just like Walt…they put that idea on ice 🥶
I was going to respond to that with a big pic of a happy Mickey Mouse, but decided we could do without being sued. So I'll just say thank you.
Edit: If anyone hasn't seen the film "Saving Mr Banks" referred to above, I recommend it.
Very creative, original and funny, Barbel! Thank you! Keep it coming..
Wasn't there a plan to make Disney a Bond villain with the Park its lair? In DAF maybe? I think I heard something like this.
Thank you, @Xando, you're very kind.
Re Disney: you're thinking of John Gardner's Bond novel "Never Send Flowers" and our resident Gardner expert is @Silhouette Man who may have more to tell you since it's one of his favourites.
That was it!
Disney Bond would be Condor- Man, which is very dear to my heart!
I'd completely forgotten about that movie
but I can understand why you're saying that.
Saving Mr Banks is excellent.
I always thought they missed a trick by not spelling the song Bear Necessities, seeing as Baloo sung it.
If Disney owned Bond at least we’d be getting a new movie every two years.
And, oh, yes, great sketch, Barbel 😁😂👏
Thanks, CHB. And yes, Disney owning Bond might have its benefits.