Thank very much, gentlemen. Today's will be along shortly. Feet are already pacing, back and forth, occasionally with a little bourbon falling beside them from a glass held in a shaky hand ....
The Martin household. Dean is pacing, slightly unsteadily (it’s after midday and he IS Dean Martin, after all) back and forth while never getting too far away from the telephone. His concerned wife looks on, worriedly.
Mrs Martin: Oh sit down, Dean, why don’t you?
Dean: Sit down? I can’t sit down! (Sips a little of his bourbon.) Wait a while and I might fall down, though.
Mrs Martin: Just try to relax, my love.
Dean: I don’t know how much more relaxed I can get. (Sips a little more.) Mind you, I’m working on that.
Mrs Martin: Put the bourbon down and I’ll make you a nice cup of coffee.
Dean: A nice cup of coffee? You seriously expect me to drink (hic!) a nice cup of coffee? Who are you and what have you done with my wife?
Mrs Martin: (Sighs.) Well, just sit here and I’ll get you more bourbon then.
Dean: Sit here? At a time like this?
Mrs Martin: What do you mean, a time like this? Nothing is happening!
Dean: (Wobbling a bit.) That’s just it, amore mio. I happen to know that a new Matt Helm production is being made and they haven’t contacted me yet.
Mrs Martin: Are you sure they’ll contact you?
Dean: Of course they’ll contact me! The Bond (hic!) people brought Sean Connery back to play James Bond, didn’t they?
Mrs Martin: Well, yes, but then they replaced him with Roger Moore.
Dean: (Ignoring that.) And I was Matt Helm in the whole cinema series, wasn’t I?
Mrs Martin: Of course you were, darling.
Dean: And at the end of “The Wrecking Crew” they said there would be another one.
Mrs Martin: Of course, Dean, my love, but that was six years ago and you’re nearly sixty now. Don’t you think that you might be, now please take some more bourbon, getting just a little too, er, mature to be playing a secret agent with young girls chasing after him while you beat up the bad guys?
Dean: Me? Of course not! I bet you Roger Moore will still be playing James Bond at that age!
Mrs Martin: Now that would be silly. The young girls chasing him at that age? Unbelievable!
Dean: Maybe yes, maybe no. But I still say (hic!) that if they’re making a new Matt Helm production then they have to call me!
Hic!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,757Chief of Staff
This next comes from a friend to all living things though especially dogs and no stranger to these pages....
Written by Bride Of Barbel
1962 Set of “Dr No”
Director: Look, we definitely told you to bring a tarantula.
Animal Handler: Are you sure?
Director: Of course I’m sure!
Animal Handler: Well, I’m here now and –
Director: What on Earth made you think we could use a hamster?
Animal Handler: They’re about the same size and they’re easier to work with.
Director: Of course they’re easier to work with! That’s the whole point – we don’t want something that’s easy to work with, we want something scary and dangerous.
Animal Handler: Have you never seen an angry hamster? It can give you a nasty bite.
Director: Get off my set! And take that, that thing with you!
1965 Set of “Thunderball”
Director: No, I distinctly remember telling you we needed sharks.
Animal Handler: Once they’re in the water it’s very hard to tell the difference.
Director: You’re kidding me.
Animal Handler: No, not at all, you’d be surprised the amount of shark reports that turn out to be dolphins.
Director: Get off my set! And take those, those things with you!
1967 Set of “You Only Live Twice”
Director: That is not what we asked for,
Animal Handler: I know, but they’re very friendly and love being stroked.
Director: But it’s huge!
Animal Handler: Now, I know it’s a little bigger than what you asked for.
Director: A little bigger? It’s a [censored] Irish Wolfhound!
Animal Handler: Yes, of course.
Director: You were told we wanted a white cat!
Animal Handler: Ah yes, but –
Director: If that sits on Blofeld’s knee you won’t be able to see him!
Animal Handler: It could just sit beside him and –
Director: Get off my set! And take that, that thing with you!
1979 Set of “Moonraker”
Director: Call that two Dobermanns?
Animal Handler: Of course not.
Director: There’s three of them for a start.
Animal Handler: You might need a spare.
Director: And they’re not Dobermanns.
Animal Handler: I know, but our last two were bought just last week so I thought –
Director: You thought that Red Setters were a suitable alternative? In Heaven’s name what made you think that?
Animal Handler: They’re about the same size.
Director: But they’re obedient and friendly! When the bad guy sets them after the girl what are they going to do, lick her to death?
Assistant Director: Er, boss?
Director: Yes, what is it?
Assistant Director: The dogs, on the floor over there, they’ve just, er, ……
Animal Handler: Oh. Sorry about that.
Director: Clean that up then get off my set! And take those, those things with you!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,757Chief of Staff
Eon HQ, on the back of a 747 crossing the Atlantic. Cubby Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson are interviewing potential writers for their next Bond film.
Cubby: You sure we wanna see this guy, Michael? I’ve never heard of him.
MGW: He’s been having some success with his stories, and since our next film will be science fiction-
Cubby: Science FACT!
MGW: Of course, science fact, and I think we ought to at least hear him out.
Cubby: Well, all right then. (He presses a button on the intercom.) Send in the next applicant, please.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Of course, Mr Broccoli.
(The door opens and a very tall dark-haired man enters.)
MGW: Come in, Mr Adams, take a seat.
Adams: Thank you. (Sits.) Call me Douglas.
Cubby: All right, Douglas. Now, Michael and I have been having a look at the treatment you sent us and we have one or two comments we’d like to make.
Douglas: Oh yes?
MGW: Now, more than once in our series James Bond has had to struggle to prevent the end of the world. You, on the other hand, have the end of the world happening within the first five pages.
Douglas: Ah well, you see –
Cubby: Your female lead, Trillian, is good. We like her a lot.
Douglas: That’s good, I like her too.
MGW: However, you say that Bond totally failed to get off with her at a party in Islington. Now, we can just about contemplate Bond being at a party in Islington.
Cubby: It might be necessary for a mission.
MGW: But there’s no way he would have totally failed to get off with her.
Douglas: Now –
Cubby: This is James Bond. He does not, to use your phrase, totally fail to get off with a woman be it at a party in Islington or anywhere else. Including outer space.
Douglas: The story spends a lot of time in outer space.
MGW: It does indeed. About 32 half-hour episodes, if my counting is correct.
Douglas: Seems about right to me.
Cubby: A trifle longer than we had anticipated. We’re looking for a movie about two hours long.
Douglas: But a film of my story that’s about two hours long will only cover the bare essentials and miss out a lot of the most interesting parts.
MGW: You’ll just have to deal with that. Also, there’s the henchman problem.
Douglas: There’s a problem there, too?
Cubby: We are determined to have a giant with steel teeth as the henchman, just like we had in the previous film. Not a severely depressed robot with a brain the size of a planet.
Douglas: But that gives so many opportunities for comedy situations.
MGW: We’re not against comedy situations – we’re actively considering a gondola that turns into a hovercraft, for example – but no paranoid androids. Also, there’s a problem with the villain.
Douglas: I think Zaphod Beeblebrox is a fantastic name for a villain.
Cubby: It’s not the name. We’d just prefer our villains to have only two arms.
Douglas: Are you sure?
MGW: We’re sure.
Douglas: Well, if you insist.
Cubby: And only one head.
Douglas: Aw.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,757Chief of Staff
🤣👏🏻🤣
Could have been interesting to see Marvin in the ‘lost’ Dalton Bond film The Property of a Lady 👀🤣
Fortunately, an excerpt from that script has just turned up, @Sir Miles -
Villain: Marvin, take Mr Bond and place him in the easily escapable chamber.
Marvin: Oh, how thrilling. "Take Mr Bond and place him in the easily escapable chamber". Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and that's the best you can think of for me to do?
Villain: Look, Marvin-
Marvin: I mean, it isn't exactly rocket science is it? Not that I would know because they never let me near a rocket.
Villain: Marvin!
Marvin: Or science, come to think of it.
Bond: Look, let's make things easy. I'll just go there myself.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,757Chief of Staff
Editing suite for the film “Robin And Marian”. Director Richard Lester is talking with composer John Barry.
John: Good morning, Dick.
Richard: Ah, John. I’ve been wanting to have a word with you.
John: Oh yes?
Richard: Now, it’s this scene here …
(He starts to run a scene from the movie.)
John: I know this one, it’s early in the movie.
Richard: Indeed, it’s our introduction to Robin Hood.
John: As played by Sean Connery.
Richard: Now there’s the problem. The music you’re using for this scene…
John: You don’t like the tune?
Richard: Oh no, that’s not it. I love the tune.
John: So what’s the problem?
Richard: It’s… how can I put it? It’s a … hmmm … a familiar tune.
John: Yes, it is.
Richard: Very familiar.
John: Of course.
Richard: I’m just not sure it’s the tune we want.
John: What? Listen, chum, I’ve been doing this for a long time and I of all people know what tune to use when Sean Connery gets introduced to the audience.
Richard: (Sighs.) John, with that particular tune playing the viewers will be expecting him to announce to anyone within earshot “The name’sh Hood. Robin Hood.”
John: Yes, I was a little disappointed that he doesn’t do that.
Richard: That’s because he’s with his best friend, Little John, who doesn’t need to be told who he is.
John: You’re sure?
Richard: I’m sure. Also, and you know a lot more about music than I do so please correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t believe they had electric guitars back in the 12th Century.
John: (Resignedly.) Well, I’ll write a different tune then if that’s what you want.
(He turns to go.)
Richard: Thanks, John. There’s just one more thing, though….
John: (Turning back, beginning to become a bit impatient now.) Yes?
Richard: The music you’ve written to another scene, much later on.
John: Which scene would that be? (He’s pretty sure he knows.)
Richard: It’s the one where Sean Connery fights Robert Shaw…
John: Ah, you mean like this?
Richard: No, I really want it more like this –
John: Aw.
Richard: I’m beginning to wonder now if I should have maybe kept Michel Legrand and not fired him to get you.
John: Legrand? Hmph! I can do his job, but there’s no way he could do mine.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,757Chief of Staff
Excerpts from the unpublished third volume of David Niven’s memoirs “The Moon’s An Empty Horse”. These are the only times he mentioned the 1967 "Casino Royale",
1967
After another delightfully spontaneous weekend at Cap Ferrat with Grace and Rainier, I was quietly sipping a pre-prandial sherry in the rather tasteful bar of the Royal when a familiar figure slipped on to the adjacent stool. Charlie Feldman had been an agent in Hollywood and was now trying his hand as a producer. “David, my friend”, he began. Now that was overstating the situation somewhat strenuously, I thought. “David, my vague acquaintance” might have been nearer the mark but nevertheless I politely let him continue. “I’m thinking of you to play James Bond in this movie I’m making”.
Anyone in the know in the motion picture business was aware that Feldman had acquired the rights to Ian Fleming’s first novel, “Casino Royale” and was endeavouring to make it into a profitable film, inspired by the success of the series starring Sean Connery which had been breaking box-office records all over the world. “James Bond, you say?” I replied, “and who else will be in this production?” He smiled and said, “I have Orson Welles as the villain and Ursula Andress as the leading lady”. My being reassured by this, we moved onto the ghastly subject of renumeration and soon came to a satisfactory arrangement.
The next day I partook of a most enjoyable luncheon with Cary and Noel at the Trattoria. I must say that retirement is suiting Cary very well, not to mention that he’s no longer my main competition for roles. Bumped into that hilarious fellow Peter Sellers on the way out, and asked him what his next project would be. He replied that he would be playing James Bond for Charlie Feldman in “Casino Royale”. Of course I did not let slip that I had already been contracted for that role, and wished him all the best. It’s always possible that he was joking, he has such a quirky sense of humour and can keep a perfectly straight face when necessary.
1968
Work started today on a film about the so-called sexual revolution of the 1960s. It is called, rather unfortunately, “Prudence And The Pill” and one compensation is that I am teamed for the third or fourth time with the most congenial Deborah Kerr which is always a pleasure. Certainly it was one of the few pleasures of the most recent film we had worked on together, “Casino Royale”. I was tactfully trying to hide the reviews of that notorious debacle from her until I found out that she was also trying to hide them from me. When this came to light we both shared a sad laugh and stopped putting the newspapers under cushions, etc.
1980
I am currently shooting a film called “The Sea Wolves” with old pals Gregory Peck and Roger Moore. Gregory and I amicably reminisced about the times we had while making “The Guns Of Navarone”, a most splendid production which did both of our careers much benefit. I also chatted happily with Roger about his being the current James Bond. Being the gentleman that he is, he never once mentioned “Casino Royale”.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,757Chief of Staff
M: Another successful mission completed, 007. Well done.
Bond: Thank you, sir.
M: The Norwegians are no longer on the brink of declaring war on the Philippines thanks to your efforts and those of the Norwegian agent, Store Bryster.
Bond: We aim to please, sir.
M: You wouldn’t know where she ended up, by any chance?
Bond: I … just couldn’t say.
M: Well, on your way then.
Bond: I’ll drop by Q Branch on my way out.
M: By all means.
Q Branch. Q is adding the finishing touches to his latest invention.
Q: Ah, there you are, 007. What did you come to see me about?
Bond: Just returning the unused gadgets from my latest mission.
Q: Unused gadgets? Now there’s a first. Normally you use everything I give you, often in the very order in which I’ve shown them to you.
Bond: Yes, well, out there in the field one has to take every edge that’s available.
Q: It would seem that this time that wasn’t necessary.
Bond: Here’s the pen.
Q: You didn’t need a sub-machine gun, then?
Bond: Well yes, but I was in the Aston Martin at the time. Now, here’s the watch that turns into a helicopter when you press the right button.
Q: Autogyro, 007, not helicopter. A helicopter would obviously be too big to fit into a watch.
Bond: Obviously.
Q: Is that all?
Bond: Now pay attention, Q -
Q: Oh, very droll.
Bond: You gave me these headphones that pick up and record sounds, such as conversations from far away.
Q: Yes?
Bond: But the playlist is stuck on The Beatles, and you didn’t give me earmuffs.
Q: You’d prefer something else?
Bond: Yes, K-pop, I think. Now, this trouser belt you gave me – you said it extends into a fifty-foot rope but there was something else it could do …?
Q: The buckle can be detached and used as a grenade.
Bond: Ah, that was it. I took the buckle off the moment I got out of here – I didn’t want it going off accidentally and, er, ruining my chances.
Q: Really, 007, you should have more faith in my work. I see you didn’t use the eye mask either.
Bond: No, I wasn’t on any flights long enough to justify my wearing it and being able to see the other passengers through it. Here, take this credit card back, too.
Q: The one that doubles as a Morse code transmitter?
Bond: That’s right. A bit outdated nowadays.
Q: And you didn’t use the iPad that doubles as a drone?
Bond: No, not this time.
Q: Not even with the small webcam on an arm that lets it take selfies?
Bond: Definitely not. And speaking of which, what on Earth made you think of giving me an oven that’s actually a flying drone?
Q: It didn’t come in useful?
Bond: Q, people simply don’t walk about carrying ovens. It would be very conspicuous.
Q: But it has a hidden robot arm that can grab objects such as white cats and throw them inside then switch the heat on and -
Bond: Enough, Q - I’ve got a licence to kill not a licence to grill. Anyway, I didn’t meet any white cats. We don’t really go in for that any more.
@Barbel is being more than generous giving me credit on the above sketch, I supplied two or three ideas for gadgets, the rest was down to the other two.
And you pesky Norwegians, always causing problems 🤪🤣
Great, entertaining stuff, Barbel 😂🤣
Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
Thanks very much everyone, and it's good to do our bit for Philippine/Norwegian relations. I'm pretty sure nobody but @Number24 got the name of the Bond woman joke, but that's okay! 😁
Comments
@Number24 I think EON want to know how they’ve been bugged!
Terrific work @Barbel 😁😂🤣👏
Thank very much, gentlemen. Today's will be along shortly. Feet are already pacing, back and forth, occasionally with a little bourbon falling beside them from a glass held in a shaky hand ....
1975
The Martin household. Dean is pacing, slightly unsteadily (it’s after midday and he IS Dean Martin, after all) back and forth while never getting too far away from the telephone. His concerned wife looks on, worriedly.
Mrs Martin: Oh sit down, Dean, why don’t you?
Dean: Sit down? I can’t sit down! (Sips a little of his bourbon.) Wait a while and I might fall down, though.
Mrs Martin: Just try to relax, my love.
Dean: I don’t know how much more relaxed I can get. (Sips a little more.) Mind you, I’m working on that.
Mrs Martin: Put the bourbon down and I’ll make you a nice cup of coffee.
Dean: A nice cup of coffee? You seriously expect me to drink (hic!) a nice cup of coffee? Who are you and what have you done with my wife?
Mrs Martin: (Sighs.) Well, just sit here and I’ll get you more bourbon then.
Dean: Sit here? At a time like this?
Mrs Martin: What do you mean, a time like this? Nothing is happening!
Dean: (Wobbling a bit.) That’s just it, amore mio. I happen to know that a new Matt Helm production is being made and they haven’t contacted me yet.
Mrs Martin: Are you sure they’ll contact you?
Dean: Of course they’ll contact me! The Bond (hic!) people brought Sean Connery back to play James Bond, didn’t they?
Mrs Martin: Well, yes, but then they replaced him with Roger Moore.
Dean: (Ignoring that.) And I was Matt Helm in the whole cinema series, wasn’t I?
Mrs Martin: Of course you were, darling.
Dean: And at the end of “The Wrecking Crew” they said there would be another one.
Mrs Martin: Of course, Dean, my love, but that was six years ago and you’re nearly sixty now. Don’t you think that you might be, now please take some more bourbon, getting just a little too, er, mature to be playing a secret agent with young girls chasing after him while you beat up the bad guys?
Dean: Me? Of course not! I bet you Roger Moore will still be playing James Bond at that age!
Mrs Martin: Now that would be silly. The young girls chasing him at that age? Unbelievable!
Dean: Maybe yes, maybe no. But I still say (hic!) that if they’re making a new Matt Helm production then they have to call me!
Hic!
Love it 🤣🤣
Hic!
Dean: Me? Of course not! I bet you Roger Moore will still be playing James Bond at that age!
Mrs Martin: Now that would be silly. The young girls chasing him at that age? Unbelievable!
😂🤣
Thanks, guys.
This next comes from a friend to all living things though especially dogs and no stranger to these pages....
Written by Bride Of Barbel
1962 Set of “Dr No”
Director: Look, we definitely told you to bring a tarantula.
Animal Handler: Are you sure?
Director: Of course I’m sure!
Animal Handler: Well, I’m here now and –
Director: What on Earth made you think we could use a hamster?
Animal Handler: They’re about the same size and they’re easier to work with.
Director: Of course they’re easier to work with! That’s the whole point – we don’t want something that’s easy to work with, we want something scary and dangerous.
Animal Handler: Have you never seen an angry hamster? It can give you a nasty bite.
Director: Get off my set! And take that, that thing with you!
1965 Set of “Thunderball”
Director: No, I distinctly remember telling you we needed sharks.
Animal Handler: Once they’re in the water it’s very hard to tell the difference.
Director: You’re kidding me.
Animal Handler: No, not at all, you’d be surprised the amount of shark reports that turn out to be dolphins.
Director: Get off my set! And take those, those things with you!
1967 Set of “You Only Live Twice”
Director: That is not what we asked for,
Animal Handler: I know, but they’re very friendly and love being stroked.
Director: But it’s huge!
Animal Handler: Now, I know it’s a little bigger than what you asked for.
Director: A little bigger? It’s a [censored] Irish Wolfhound!
Animal Handler: Yes, of course.
Director: You were told we wanted a white cat!
Animal Handler: Ah yes, but –
Director: If that sits on Blofeld’s knee you won’t be able to see him!
Animal Handler: It could just sit beside him and –
Director: Get off my set! And take that, that thing with you!
1979 Set of “Moonraker”
Director: Call that two Dobermanns?
Animal Handler: Of course not.
Director: There’s three of them for a start.
Animal Handler: You might need a spare.
Director: And they’re not Dobermanns.
Animal Handler: I know, but our last two were bought just last week so I thought –
Director: You thought that Red Setters were a suitable alternative? In Heaven’s name what made you think that?
Animal Handler: They’re about the same size.
Director: But they’re obedient and friendly! When the bad guy sets them after the girl what are they going to do, lick her to death?
Assistant Director: Er, boss?
Director: Yes, what is it?
Assistant Director: The dogs, on the floor over there, they’ve just, er, ……
Animal Handler: Oh. Sorry about that.
Director: Clean that up then get off my set! And take those, those things with you!
Bravo 👏🏻🤣
Maybe it was a Siberian hamster? 👀
😂🤣👏
And 😁😂🤣👏 to the Bride for a great sketch!
The Bride says thank you, and will no doubt come up with more later.
1979
Eon HQ, on the back of a 747 crossing the Atlantic. Cubby Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson are interviewing potential writers for their next Bond film.
Cubby: You sure we wanna see this guy, Michael? I’ve never heard of him.
MGW: He’s been having some success with his stories, and since our next film will be science fiction-
Cubby: Science FACT!
MGW: Of course, science fact, and I think we ought to at least hear him out.
Cubby: Well, all right then. (He presses a button on the intercom.) Send in the next applicant, please.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Of course, Mr Broccoli.
(The door opens and a very tall dark-haired man enters.)
MGW: Come in, Mr Adams, take a seat.
Adams: Thank you. (Sits.) Call me Douglas.
Cubby: All right, Douglas. Now, Michael and I have been having a look at the treatment you sent us and we have one or two comments we’d like to make.
Douglas: Oh yes?
MGW: Now, more than once in our series James Bond has had to struggle to prevent the end of the world. You, on the other hand, have the end of the world happening within the first five pages.
Douglas: Ah well, you see –
Cubby: Your female lead, Trillian, is good. We like her a lot.
Douglas: That’s good, I like her too.
MGW: However, you say that Bond totally failed to get off with her at a party in Islington. Now, we can just about contemplate Bond being at a party in Islington.
Cubby: It might be necessary for a mission.
MGW: But there’s no way he would have totally failed to get off with her.
Douglas: Now –
Cubby: This is James Bond. He does not, to use your phrase, totally fail to get off with a woman be it at a party in Islington or anywhere else. Including outer space.
Douglas: The story spends a lot of time in outer space.
MGW: It does indeed. About 32 half-hour episodes, if my counting is correct.
Douglas: Seems about right to me.
Cubby: A trifle longer than we had anticipated. We’re looking for a movie about two hours long.
Douglas: But a film of my story that’s about two hours long will only cover the bare essentials and miss out a lot of the most interesting parts.
MGW: You’ll just have to deal with that. Also, there’s the henchman problem.
Douglas: There’s a problem there, too?
Cubby: We are determined to have a giant with steel teeth as the henchman, just like we had in the previous film. Not a severely depressed robot with a brain the size of a planet.
Douglas: But that gives so many opportunities for comedy situations.
MGW: We’re not against comedy situations – we’re actively considering a gondola that turns into a hovercraft, for example – but no paranoid androids. Also, there’s a problem with the villain.
Douglas: I think Zaphod Beeblebrox is a fantastic name for a villain.
Cubby: It’s not the name. We’d just prefer our villains to have only two arms.
Douglas: Are you sure?
MGW: We’re sure.
Douglas: Well, if you insist.
Cubby: And only one head.
Douglas: Aw.
🤣👏🏻🤣
Could have been interesting to see Marvin in the ‘lost’ Dalton Bond film The Property of a Lady 👀🤣
Fortunately, an excerpt from that script has just turned up, @Sir Miles -
Villain: Marvin, take Mr Bond and place him in the easily escapable chamber.
Marvin: Oh, how thrilling. "Take Mr Bond and place him in the easily escapable chamber". Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and that's the best you can think of for me to do?
Villain: Look, Marvin-
Marvin: I mean, it isn't exactly rocket science is it? Not that I would know because they never let me near a rocket.
Villain: Marvin!
Marvin: Or science, come to think of it.
Bond: Look, let's make things easy. I'll just go there myself.
Excellent 🤣🤣🤣
I’ve never seen or read “Hitchhikers” (doesn’t appeal to me) but I’m sure the sketch is excellent even though I don’t know the humour 😁
The humour is very quirky, you either like it a lot or not at all.
1976
Editing suite for the film “Robin And Marian”. Director Richard Lester is talking with composer John Barry.
John: Good morning, Dick.
Richard: Ah, John. I’ve been wanting to have a word with you.
John: Oh yes?
Richard: Now, it’s this scene here …
(He starts to run a scene from the movie.)
John: I know this one, it’s early in the movie.
Richard: Indeed, it’s our introduction to Robin Hood.
John: As played by Sean Connery.
Richard: Now there’s the problem. The music you’re using for this scene…
John: You don’t like the tune?
Richard: Oh no, that’s not it. I love the tune.
John: So what’s the problem?
Richard: It’s… how can I put it? It’s a … hmmm … a familiar tune.
John: Yes, it is.
Richard: Very familiar.
John: Of course.
Richard: I’m just not sure it’s the tune we want.
John: What? Listen, chum, I’ve been doing this for a long time and I of all people know what tune to use when Sean Connery gets introduced to the audience.
Richard: (Sighs.) John, with that particular tune playing the viewers will be expecting him to announce to anyone within earshot “The name’sh Hood. Robin Hood.”
John: Yes, I was a little disappointed that he doesn’t do that.
Richard: That’s because he’s with his best friend, Little John, who doesn’t need to be told who he is.
John: You’re sure?
Richard: I’m sure. Also, and you know a lot more about music than I do so please correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t believe they had electric guitars back in the 12th Century.
John: (Resignedly.) Well, I’ll write a different tune then if that’s what you want.
(He turns to go.)
Richard: Thanks, John. There’s just one more thing, though….
John: (Turning back, beginning to become a bit impatient now.) Yes?
Richard: The music you’ve written to another scene, much later on.
John: Which scene would that be? (He’s pretty sure he knows.)
Richard: It’s the one where Sean Connery fights Robert Shaw…
John: Ah, you mean like this?
Richard: No, I really want it more like this –
John: Aw.
Richard: I’m beginning to wonder now if I should have maybe kept Michel Legrand and not fired him to get you.
John: Legrand? Hmph! I can do his job, but there’s no way he could do mine.
Very true 🤣🤣🤣
That is very clever 😁👏😂
Thanks, guys.
Excerpts from the unpublished third volume of David Niven’s memoirs “The Moon’s An Empty Horse”. These are the only times he mentioned the 1967 "Casino Royale",
1967
After another delightfully spontaneous weekend at Cap Ferrat with Grace and Rainier, I was quietly sipping a pre-prandial sherry in the rather tasteful bar of the Royal when a familiar figure slipped on to the adjacent stool. Charlie Feldman had been an agent in Hollywood and was now trying his hand as a producer. “David, my friend”, he began. Now that was overstating the situation somewhat strenuously, I thought. “David, my vague acquaintance” might have been nearer the mark but nevertheless I politely let him continue. “I’m thinking of you to play James Bond in this movie I’m making”.
Anyone in the know in the motion picture business was aware that Feldman had acquired the rights to Ian Fleming’s first novel, “Casino Royale” and was endeavouring to make it into a profitable film, inspired by the success of the series starring Sean Connery which had been breaking box-office records all over the world. “James Bond, you say?” I replied, “and who else will be in this production?” He smiled and said, “I have Orson Welles as the villain and Ursula Andress as the leading lady”. My being reassured by this, we moved onto the ghastly subject of renumeration and soon came to a satisfactory arrangement.
The next day I partook of a most enjoyable luncheon with Cary and Noel at the Trattoria. I must say that retirement is suiting Cary very well, not to mention that he’s no longer my main competition for roles. Bumped into that hilarious fellow Peter Sellers on the way out, and asked him what his next project would be. He replied that he would be playing James Bond for Charlie Feldman in “Casino Royale”. Of course I did not let slip that I had already been contracted for that role, and wished him all the best. It’s always possible that he was joking, he has such a quirky sense of humour and can keep a perfectly straight face when necessary.
1968
Work started today on a film about the so-called sexual revolution of the 1960s. It is called, rather unfortunately, “Prudence And The Pill” and one compensation is that I am teamed for the third or fourth time with the most congenial Deborah Kerr which is always a pleasure. Certainly it was one of the few pleasures of the most recent film we had worked on together, “Casino Royale”. I was tactfully trying to hide the reviews of that notorious debacle from her until I found out that she was also trying to hide them from me. When this came to light we both shared a sad laugh and stopped putting the newspapers under cushions, etc.
1980
I am currently shooting a film called “The Sea Wolves” with old pals Gregory Peck and Roger Moore. Gregory and I amicably reminisced about the times we had while making “The Guns Of Navarone”, a most splendid production which did both of our careers much benefit. I also chatted happily with Roger about his being the current James Bond. Being the gentleman that he is, he never once mentioned “Casino Royale”.
Brilliant…and that IS David Niven ‘speaking’ 😳👏🏻🤣
Excellent 😁😂👏
Thanks, guys. 😊
This was written by @Number24, @CoolHandBond, and me.
Pick a year. M’s Office.
M: Another successful mission completed, 007. Well done.
Bond: Thank you, sir.
M: The Norwegians are no longer on the brink of declaring war on the Philippines thanks to your efforts and those of the Norwegian agent, Store Bryster.
Bond: We aim to please, sir.
M: You wouldn’t know where she ended up, by any chance?
Bond: I … just couldn’t say.
M: Well, on your way then.
Bond: I’ll drop by Q Branch on my way out.
M: By all means.
Q Branch. Q is adding the finishing touches to his latest invention.
Q: Ah, there you are, 007. What did you come to see me about?
Bond: Just returning the unused gadgets from my latest mission.
Q: Unused gadgets? Now there’s a first. Normally you use everything I give you, often in the very order in which I’ve shown them to you.
Bond: Yes, well, out there in the field one has to take every edge that’s available.
Q: It would seem that this time that wasn’t necessary.
Bond: Here’s the pen.
Q: You didn’t need a sub-machine gun, then?
Bond: Well yes, but I was in the Aston Martin at the time. Now, here’s the watch that turns into a helicopter when you press the right button.
Q: Autogyro, 007, not helicopter. A helicopter would obviously be too big to fit into a watch.
Bond: Obviously.
Q: Is that all?
Bond: Now pay attention, Q -
Q: Oh, very droll.
Bond: You gave me these headphones that pick up and record sounds, such as conversations from far away.
Q: Yes?
Bond: But the playlist is stuck on The Beatles, and you didn’t give me earmuffs.
Q: You’d prefer something else?
Bond: Yes, K-pop, I think. Now, this trouser belt you gave me – you said it extends into a fifty-foot rope but there was something else it could do …?
Q: The buckle can be detached and used as a grenade.
Bond: Ah, that was it. I took the buckle off the moment I got out of here – I didn’t want it going off accidentally and, er, ruining my chances.
Q: Really, 007, you should have more faith in my work. I see you didn’t use the eye mask either.
Bond: No, I wasn’t on any flights long enough to justify my wearing it and being able to see the other passengers through it. Here, take this credit card back, too.
Q: The one that doubles as a Morse code transmitter?
Bond: That’s right. A bit outdated nowadays.
Q: And you didn’t use the iPad that doubles as a drone?
Bond: No, not this time.
Q: Not even with the small webcam on an arm that lets it take selfies?
Bond: Definitely not. And speaking of which, what on Earth made you think of giving me an oven that’s actually a flying drone?
Q: It didn’t come in useful?
Bond: Q, people simply don’t walk about carrying ovens. It would be very conspicuous.
Q: But it has a hidden robot arm that can grab objects such as white cats and throw them inside then switch the heat on and -
Bond: Enough, Q - I’ve got a licence to kill not a licence to grill. Anyway, I didn’t meet any white cats. We don’t really go in for that any more.
Someone has been using Google Translate .... 😁
Very good, guys 🤣
The tensions between Norway and the Philippines are all over the news, so I'm glad 007 takes care of it! 😂
@Barbel is being more than generous giving me credit on the above sketch, I supplied two or three ideas for gadgets, the rest was down to the other two.
And you pesky Norwegians, always causing problems 🤪🤣
Great, entertaining stuff, Barbel 😂🤣
Thanks very much everyone, and it's good to do our bit for Philippine/Norwegian relations. I'm pretty sure nobody but @Number24 got the name of the Bond woman joke, but that's okay! 😁
2006. Pinewood Studios. Shooting of “Casino Royale”. Director Martin Campbell is overseeing the torture sequence.
Bond: No! No! No! To the right! To the right! To the right!
Le Chiffre: You are a funny man, Mr Bond.
Martin: And cut! Well done there, guys.
Mads Mikkelson: Thank you.
Daniel Craig: Yes, thank you.
Martin: I think that about wraps us up for today. Same time tomorrow? Okay.
(The crew, who have just been waiting for their cue, quickly pack up and head off. Martin and Mads walk off together, discussing the scene.)
Daniel: Eh, guys?
(There is no reply.)
Daniel: (A bit louder.) Hello? Guys?
(He’s beginning to worry now.)
Daniel: Come on, boys, joke’s over.
(Silence. The lights are turned off.)
Daniel: Help! Help!
Daniel: Help!
All I can say is that Barbel has a very sophisticated, ney even intellectual sense of humor. 😁