It's a new page, so time for someone to be pacing back and forth. Written by The Bride and me.
2017
The Craig household. Rachel is pacing up and down, never getting too far from the telephone. Her sister looks on, worriedly.
Sister: Oh sit down, Rachel, why don’t you?
Rachel: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Sister: Just sit here and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea and -
Rachel: A nice cup of tea? I can’t think of a nice cup of tea at a time like this!
Sister: What do you mean, a time like this?
Rachel: Daniel was due to phone me an hour ago and he hasn’t.
Sister: Well, there could be a lot of reasons why. Maybe his phone battery is flat.
Rachel: I made him take two, I always do.
Sister: Maybe he’s out of range?
Rachel: He’s only in London – and I know what that means!
Sister: What do you think it means?
Rachel: It means …. he’s with her again!
Sister: Her? Do you mean he has another woman?
Rachel: Not in the sense that you mean. He’s with … Barbara!
Sister: Barbara? Who on earth is …. Oh, that Barbara.
Rachel: Indeed. That Barbara.
Sister: But he can’t be. He promised that last time was the last time … er, if you see what I mean.
Rachel: Yes, that was two years ago and he absolutely promised that it would be the last time. He even said he’d rather slash his wrists than go back.
Sister: Maybe she offered him lots of money?
Rachel: I don’t think she could offer enough money to make him go back.
Sister: Maybe she offered something else?
Rachel: What, like … you don’t mean …?
Sister: That’s exactly what I mean.
Rachel: Surely he wouldn’t be interested!
Sister: It’s not him that’s interested, from what I’ve heard.
Rachel: I know, I know.
Sister: He won’t do another one, he promised that two years ago.
Rachel: Yes, he said that. So did Sean Connery, if you remember, more than once.
(The telephone rings. Rachel grabs it.)
Rachel: Hello? … Oh, darling, I’ve been worried about you … You’ve been where? …. With who? … And she asked you to do what? … She did? …Well, what did you say? …You said yes … Right, I’ll see you soon … Love you.
(Rachel hangs the phone up and bursts into tears.)
Rachel: (Between sobs.) He … he’s going to … do another one.
1984. Eon HQ, in a house of ill-repute in Hong Kong. Roger Moore is saying goodbye to Cubby Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson.
Roger: Well, thank you very much, gentlemen, I wish you all the best for the future and trust you will find a new James Bond for your next film.
Cubby: Show him the cheque, Michael.
(MGW shows Roger a cheque. One of Roger’s eyebrows lifts.)
Roger: I do appreciate that, Cubby, really I do, but in all honesty I believe that I might be getting just a shade too –
Cubby: Show him the other cheque, Michael.
(MGW shows Roger another cheque. Both of Roger’s eyebrows rise.)
Roger: That’s … very kind of you both, it’s heart-warming to know how much you value my services but frankly I feel that I’m becoming just a little bit too –
Cubby: Show him the last cheque, Michael.
(MGW shows Roger another cheque. Both of Roger’s eyebrows go into orbit around his head.)
Roger: So … nine o’clock on Monday, then?
MGW: Nine o’clock it is. See you then, Roger.
2017. Eon HQ, under a horse stable in France. Daniel Craig is saying goodbye to Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson.
Daniel: Okay then guys, all the best and I hope you find a new James Bond for your next film.
BB: Show him the cheque, Michael.
(MGW shows Daniel a cheque. There is an almost imperceptible twitch in one of Daniel’s cheeks.)
Daniel: I’m impressed, but really –
BB: Show him the other cheque, Michael.
(MGW shows Daniel another cheque. This time, Daniel’s cheek twitches twice.)
Daniel: No seriously, guys, I don’t want –
BB: Show him the last cheque, Michael.
(MGW shows Daniel another cheque. He’s more prepared this time and his face doesn’t move at all as his eyes count the zeroes, but Barbara’s eyes are pleading.)
Daniel: So … nine o’clock on Monday, then?
MGW: Nine o’clock it is. See you then, Dan.
(BB smiles happily.)
1967. Eon HQ, on a beach near Nassau where the remains of a black-clad man have been pinned to a tree by a harpoon. Sean Connery is saying goodbye to Harry Saltzman and Cubby Broccoli.
Sean: Now f*ck off.
Cubby: Show him the cheque, Harry.
(Harry shows Sean a cheque. Sean barely glances at it.)
Sean: Perhapsh I didn’t make myshelf clear. Both of you, f*ck right off right f*cking now.
Cubby: Show him the other cheque, Harry.
(Harry shows Sean another cheque. Sean doesn’t even look at it.)
Sean: Pick a window, you two. You’re leaving.
Cubby: Show him the last cheque, Harry.
(Harry shows Sean another cheque. Sean’s eyes don’t leave Harry’s face.)
Sean: Right, that doesh it.
(Sean takes a step forward, Broccoli and Saltzman scuttle away as fast as they can. Sean nods to the corpse pinned to the tree.)
Sean: I think they got the point.
2002. Eon HQ, on a ship moored off Hong Kong. Pierce Brosnan is saying goodbye to Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli.
Pierce: Well, goodbye then, and see you next time.
MGW: Yes, of course, Pierce.
BB: See you next time.
(All happily wave, but BB and MGW have their fingers crossed behind their backs.)
1989. Eon HQ, underneath a tram in Bratislava. Timothy Dalton is saying goodbye to Cubby Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson.
NB "Pick a window" is a Scottish phrase used as a threat of impending violence. The window concerned is metaphorical, there doesn't have to be one nearby.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,550Chief of Staff
2024. Eon HQ, inside a stuffed teddy bear inside a locker at Los Angeles International Airport. BB is just finishing a conference with Purvis & Wade.
BB: …now get out of here and back to your writers’ cell!
Purvis: Yes, Barbara.
Wade: Right away, Barbara.
(P & W dejectedly leave, having had yet another of their ideas turned down.)
Purvis: I don’t know where we went wrong this time, I really don’t.
Wade: Me neither. I think that stealing atom bombs then holding the world’s governments to ransom is a great idea.
Purvis: And Bond can then go to some glamourous location like, er, like …
Wade: The Bahamas?
Purvis: Yes, like that, and spend more time chasing beautiful women in revealing outfits than actually looking for the bombs.
Wade: We can have Felix find out where the bombs are.
Purvis: While James plays games with the really obvious villain.
Wade: I don’t see what she doesn’t like about that.
(Purvis looks up to see that, engrossed in their conversation, they have taken a wrong turn inside the TARDIS-like deceptively spacious Eon building.)
Purvis: Er… Robert?
Wade: Yeah?
Purvis: Do you know where we are?
Wade: Of course, we’re … we’re …
Purvis: Lost.
Wade: Yeah. That’s it! We’re … lost.
(They look around for a clue as to their whereabouts.)
Purvis: Well, we’re not back at our writers’ cell.
Wade: And we’re not at the publicity department.
Purvis: True, I can’t hear anyone snoring.
Wade: And we’re not at the location scouting office either.
Purvis: Because we can't hear the sounds of them playing cards to pass the time.
Wade: Let’s try this door here.
Purvis: What, the one labelled “STRICTLY PRIVATE” in seventeen languages?
Wade: Yes, that one.
Purvis: It’s got a lock like a safe.
Wade: Ah, no problem. Look what I took from the props department.
Purvis: Oh, very handy.
Wade: What an amazing coincidence.
Purvis: Just like in James Bond movies.
Wade: Hold on …. Right, I’ve got it.
(The door opens to reveal a darkened interior.)
Purvis: There must be a light somewhere … ah, here.
(All is light.)
Wade: Wow, this is a bigger room than I at first thought.
Purvis: This must be where they keep things that the public aren’t supposed to see.
Wade: Especially Bond fans. Look, there, some reels of film.
Purvis: They’re labelled “You Only Live Twice – four and a half hour initial cut”.
Wade: And next to them, “Outtakes from OHMSS – George Lazenby asking for a vodka martini shaken not stirred (14 takes), saying “My name is Bond, James Bond” (27 takes), throwing his hat onto Moneypenny’s coat rack (143 takes)” and so on.
Purvis: What’s this here? “Roger Moore doing a stunt himself. Includes ambulance ride to hospital”.
Wade: There’s more – this is the seven film contract which George Lazenby never signed.
Purvis: Now here, this seems to be Cubby’s notes for negotiating with Kevin McClory, including the phone number of a hitman as last resort.
Wade: And here's the Batman outfit which Michael likes to wear when no-one is looking.
Purvis: It’s very old.
Wade: About 80 years, I’d say.
Purvis: What’s over in that corner?
Wade: It’s … let me see … It’s a pile of blow-up models of Daniel Craig.
Wade: It’s what Joe Don Baker used to blackmail them into giving him parts in Bond movies. Three times!
Purvis: Let me see!
Wade: Oh no, trust me, you don’t want to see that.
Purvis: Let me see … Oh, you’re right. I wish I hadn’t looked now.
Wade: What’s that there, below it?
Purvis: Let’s see … it’s a carbon copy of Sean Connery’s first James Bond contract.
Wade: And it says that they were paying him £17 per week, rising incrementally to £21 per week by 1967.
Purvis: You know, I’m beginning to think old Sean had a point.
Wade: Over here, that looks like an old-fashioned tape recorder.
Purvis: And there’s a label on the reel of tape. It says …
Wade: “What the voices of the actresses sounded like before they were dubbed by Nikki van der Zyl”.
Purvis: Oooh, let’s hear that.
Wade: You put on these headphones and I’ll start the machine.
Purvis: All right … Hmmm, I’m hearing “He’s holding on to the six of spades, so I guess he thinks you want it”.
Wade: That’ll be Shirley Eaton.
Purvis: She doesn’t sound bad at all, I don’t see why they had to dub her.
Wade: Want to hear another one?
Purvis: Sure. Now, who’s next? “We had a cycle beetle. I started at A ven I vas 8 and now I’ve reached – “
Wade: Cycle beetle? What, like Ringo Starr on a moped?
Purvis: No, it’s Ursula Andress trying to say “encyclopaedia”. Now I see why Nikki was necessary!
Wade: You want to hear some more?
Purvis: No, I think I’ve heard enough.
Wade: Okay then, look at this.
Purvis: That’s sheet music, you know I can’t read music.
Wade: You don’t have to. Just read the title at the top.
Purvis: It says the “James Bond Theme”.
Wade: Yes, yes, but keep reading.
Purvis: “James Bond Theme” Written by …. Oh!
Wade: Yes, indeed.
Purvis: Somehow I’m not surprised to see that.
Wade: Nor would anybody in the Bond world be.
Purvis: I can see why they’ve kept this down here, safely locked away, for all those years.
Wade: And look over here, there’s some letters.
Purvis: Let’s see now … the first one, which is quite long, is from Michael to David Bowie, offering him the part of Max Zorin in “A View To A Kill”.
Wade: And the second, which is from Bowie back to Michael, is quite short.
Purvis: Very short.
Wade: Here’s one from Jaguar Cars.
Purvis: What does it say?
Wade: It says “We’re very sorry we told you we wouldn’t give you any of our cars for your films “Goldfinger” and “Thunderball”, meaning that Aston Martin got the contract, millions of pounds in extra sales, and unlimited free advertising. Is there any way we can persuade you to change your mind and use perhaps a Jaguar E-type in your next film”?
Purvis: Is there a reply?
Wade: Sure. Cubby tells them that the next film “You Only Live Twice” is set in Japan so they’ve already come to an arrangement with Toyota. He ends by saying don’t call us, we’ll call you.
Purvis: Here’s one from the Queen giving permission to film inside Buckingham Palace.
Wade: And one from the Duke asking for Judi Dench’s phone number.
Purvis: Some more film reels over here.
Wade: The first one says “Lazenby saying goodbye to Saltzman and Broccoli”.
Purvis: But it also says “Only to be opened by @Westward_Drift ”.
Wade: Who’s that?
Purvis: No idea. What’s the next one?
Wade: The label says it’s Michael Apted trying to get Christmas Jones to say “nuclear fissionable material”. He tries for about an hour before settling for “big bomb”.
Purvis: Hey, look at this!
More tomorrow!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,550Chief of Staff
Comments
We Norwegians have been perfectly reasonable and completely right as always, even when we eat smalahove or sink our own warships!
and thank you for giving me a clue how to get that joke. this new vocabulary will come in handy next time I'm in Norway on a secret mission
I didn’t get the joke so I need to know what it means, I haven’t got Google translate.
PM sent.
I guess she had two outstanding points 🤭
I think you sent the PM to the one person who already knew. 😂
No, I sent it to our joint message box just so you were in the loop.
Well spotted! 😁
Right. Now I know .... 😅
Ah, I see, I should have known 🤣
Dako Daghun.
It's a new page, so time for someone to be pacing back and forth. Written by The Bride and me.
2017
The Craig household. Rachel is pacing up and down, never getting too far from the telephone. Her sister looks on, worriedly.
Sister: Oh sit down, Rachel, why don’t you?
Rachel: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Sister: Just sit here and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea and -
Rachel: A nice cup of tea? I can’t think of a nice cup of tea at a time like this!
Sister: What do you mean, a time like this?
Rachel: Daniel was due to phone me an hour ago and he hasn’t.
Sister: Well, there could be a lot of reasons why. Maybe his phone battery is flat.
Rachel: I made him take two, I always do.
Sister: Maybe he’s out of range?
Rachel: He’s only in London – and I know what that means!
Sister: What do you think it means?
Rachel: It means …. he’s with her again!
Sister: Her? Do you mean he has another woman?
Rachel: Not in the sense that you mean. He’s with … Barbara!
Sister: Barbara? Who on earth is …. Oh, that Barbara.
Rachel: Indeed. That Barbara.
Sister: But he can’t be. He promised that last time was the last time … er, if you see what I mean.
Rachel: Yes, that was two years ago and he absolutely promised that it would be the last time. He even said he’d rather slash his wrists than go back.
Sister: Maybe she offered him lots of money?
Rachel: I don’t think she could offer enough money to make him go back.
Sister: Maybe she offered something else?
Rachel: What, like … you don’t mean …?
Sister: That’s exactly what I mean.
Rachel: Surely he wouldn’t be interested!
Sister: It’s not him that’s interested, from what I’ve heard.
Rachel: I know, I know.
Sister: He won’t do another one, he promised that two years ago.
Rachel: Yes, he said that. So did Sean Connery, if you remember, more than once.
(The telephone rings. Rachel grabs it.)
Rachel: Hello? … Oh, darling, I’ve been worried about you … You’ve been where? …. With who? … And she asked you to do what? … She did? …Well, what did you say? …You said yes … Right, I’ll see you soon … Love you.
(Rachel hangs the phone up and bursts into tears.)
Rachel: (Between sobs.) He … he’s going to … do another one.
Sister: Oh Rachel, stop that. This is
No Time To Cry
My turn to not understand.
🤔
🫣🤭
I thought you were going to reference DC’s new project with BB, which is Othello…so you really blindsided me 😁
It’s the same meaning as Store Bryster, but in the Bisaya language here (spoken in the Visayas region which includes the islands of Cebu and Mactan) 😁
Of course. Should have guessed that.
1984. Eon HQ, in a house of ill-repute in Hong Kong. Roger Moore is saying goodbye to Cubby Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson.
Roger: Well, thank you very much, gentlemen, I wish you all the best for the future and trust you will find a new James Bond for your next film.
Cubby: Show him the cheque, Michael.
(MGW shows Roger a cheque. One of Roger’s eyebrows lifts.)
Roger: I do appreciate that, Cubby, really I do, but in all honesty I believe that I might be getting just a shade too –
Cubby: Show him the other cheque, Michael.
(MGW shows Roger another cheque. Both of Roger’s eyebrows rise.)
Roger: That’s … very kind of you both, it’s heart-warming to know how much you value my services but frankly I feel that I’m becoming just a little bit too –
Cubby: Show him the last cheque, Michael.
(MGW shows Roger another cheque. Both of Roger’s eyebrows go into orbit around his head.)
Roger: So … nine o’clock on Monday, then?
MGW: Nine o’clock it is. See you then, Roger.
2017. Eon HQ, under a horse stable in France. Daniel Craig is saying goodbye to Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson.
Daniel: Okay then guys, all the best and I hope you find a new James Bond for your next film.
BB: Show him the cheque, Michael.
(MGW shows Daniel a cheque. There is an almost imperceptible twitch in one of Daniel’s cheeks.)
Daniel: I’m impressed, but really –
BB: Show him the other cheque, Michael.
(MGW shows Daniel another cheque. This time, Daniel’s cheek twitches twice.)
Daniel: No seriously, guys, I don’t want –
BB: Show him the last cheque, Michael.
(MGW shows Daniel another cheque. He’s more prepared this time and his face doesn’t move at all as his eyes count the zeroes, but Barbara’s eyes are pleading.)
Daniel: So … nine o’clock on Monday, then?
MGW: Nine o’clock it is. See you then, Dan.
(BB smiles happily.)
1967. Eon HQ, on a beach near Nassau where the remains of a black-clad man have been pinned to a tree by a harpoon. Sean Connery is saying goodbye to Harry Saltzman and Cubby Broccoli.
Sean: Now f*ck off.
Cubby: Show him the cheque, Harry.
(Harry shows Sean a cheque. Sean barely glances at it.)
Sean: Perhapsh I didn’t make myshelf clear. Both of you, f*ck right off right f*cking now.
Cubby: Show him the other cheque, Harry.
(Harry shows Sean another cheque. Sean doesn’t even look at it.)
Sean: Pick a window, you two. You’re leaving.
Cubby: Show him the last cheque, Harry.
(Harry shows Sean another cheque. Sean’s eyes don’t leave Harry’s face.)
Sean: Right, that doesh it.
(Sean takes a step forward, Broccoli and Saltzman scuttle away as fast as they can. Sean nods to the corpse pinned to the tree.)
Sean: I think they got the point.
2002. Eon HQ, on a ship moored off Hong Kong. Pierce Brosnan is saying goodbye to Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli.
Pierce: Well, goodbye then, and see you next time.
MGW: Yes, of course, Pierce.
BB: See you next time.
(All happily wave, but BB and MGW have their fingers crossed behind their backs.)
1989. Eon HQ, underneath a tram in Bratislava. Timothy Dalton is saying goodbye to Cubby Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson.
Timothy: Well, I’ll be saying goodbye.
Cubby: Goodbye.
MGW: Yes, goodbye.
(Pause.)
Timothy: I’ll be leaving then.
MGW: Yes.
Cubby: You said that.
(Pause.)
Timothy: So, bye then.
Cubby: Yes, bye.
MGW: The door’s over there.
Timothy: Right….
NB "Pick a window" is a Scottish phrase used as a threat of impending violence. The window concerned is metaphorical, there doesn't have to be one nearby.
🤣🤣 and all are probably true 😳🤭
Poor Tim, so unfair.
Another good one, Barbel 😂🤣👏
Russia has been taking it literally.
No Lazenby? I'm shocked Connery pre-DAF or pre-NSNA didn't make an appearance.
Thanks very much, guys.
I'm sure you'd enjoy writing those yourself, W_D. 😁
1967. Pinewood Studios. Production Designer Ken Adam approaches Director Lewis Gilbert.
Ken: Ah, Lewis. May I have a word?
Lewis: Sure, Ken. What’s up?
Ken: Well, it’s just that I put a lot of effort into the set for Mr Osato’s office.
Lewis: Yes, of course, Ken. It’s much appreciated, you did a fine job.
Ken: Yes, well, it takes a long time to source the furniture and fittings. Like the couches, for example, or… the statues.
Lewis: Oh. The statue.
Ken: Yes. Yesterday James Bond was fighting with the big sumo wrestler guy
and they were throwing the couches all over the place and then Bond broke the statue in two pieces by smashing it over the other guy’s head.
Lewis: Yes….
Ken: Then today Bond goes into the same office to meet Mr Osato and Helga and it’s got to look like nothing has happened.
Lewis: Yes….
Ken: I was able to fix up the couches easily enough, but it was a devil of a job going round all the local antique shops to find a matching statue.
Lewis: Well, I suppose it didn’t have to match completely.
Ken: Yes, it did. The audience would notice if it’s a different statue.
Lewis: I suppose you’re right.
Ken: So if you‘re going to have another big fight in one of my sets I’d just like to ask if you could be a little more careful with the fittings.
Lewis: You’re right, Ken, I’ll definitely make a point of doing exactly that.
Ken: Thanks, Lewis. What are you shooting next?
Lewis: Oh, it’s the big explosions inside the vol …. Ah.
🤣🤣🤣
Do you know what? I must have watched YOLT at least 30 times and have never noticed that 😂
Brilliant spot, Barbel 👏👏👏
Thank you!
2024. Eon HQ, inside a stuffed teddy bear inside a locker at Los Angeles International Airport. BB is just finishing a conference with Purvis & Wade.
BB: …now get out of here and back to your writers’ cell!
Purvis: Yes, Barbara.
Wade: Right away, Barbara.
(P & W dejectedly leave, having had yet another of their ideas turned down.)
Purvis: I don’t know where we went wrong this time, I really don’t.
Wade: Me neither. I think that stealing atom bombs then holding the world’s governments to ransom is a great idea.
Purvis: And Bond can then go to some glamourous location like, er, like …
Wade: The Bahamas?
Purvis: Yes, like that, and spend more time chasing beautiful women in revealing outfits than actually looking for the bombs.
Wade: We can have Felix find out where the bombs are.
Purvis: While James plays games with the really obvious villain.
Wade: I don’t see what she doesn’t like about that.
(Purvis looks up to see that, engrossed in their conversation, they have taken a wrong turn inside the TARDIS-like deceptively spacious Eon building.)
Purvis: Er… Robert?
Wade: Yeah?
Purvis: Do you know where we are?
Wade: Of course, we’re … we’re …
Purvis: Lost.
Wade: Yeah. That’s it! We’re … lost.
(They look around for a clue as to their whereabouts.)
Purvis: Well, we’re not back at our writers’ cell.
Wade: And we’re not at the publicity department.
Purvis: True, I can’t hear anyone snoring.
Wade: And we’re not at the location scouting office either.
Purvis: Because we can't hear the sounds of them playing cards to pass the time.
Wade: Let’s try this door here.
Purvis: What, the one labelled “STRICTLY PRIVATE” in seventeen languages?
Wade: Yes, that one.
Purvis: It’s got a lock like a safe.
Wade: Ah, no problem. Look what I took from the props department.
Purvis: Oh, very handy.
Wade: What an amazing coincidence.
Purvis: Just like in James Bond movies.
Wade: Hold on …. Right, I’ve got it.
(The door opens to reveal a darkened interior.)
Purvis: There must be a light somewhere … ah, here.
(All is light.)
Wade: Wow, this is a bigger room than I at first thought.
Purvis: This must be where they keep things that the public aren’t supposed to see.
Wade: Especially Bond fans. Look, there, some reels of film.
Purvis: They’re labelled “You Only Live Twice – four and a half hour initial cut”.
Wade: And next to them, “Outtakes from OHMSS – George Lazenby asking for a vodka martini shaken not stirred (14 takes), saying “My name is Bond, James Bond” (27 takes), throwing his hat onto Moneypenny’s coat rack (143 takes)” and so on.
Purvis: What’s this here? “Roger Moore doing a stunt himself. Includes ambulance ride to hospital”.
Wade: There’s more – this is the seven film contract which George Lazenby never signed.
Purvis: Now here, this seems to be Cubby’s notes for negotiating with Kevin McClory, including the phone number of a hitman as last resort.
Wade: And here's the Batman outfit which Michael likes to wear when no-one is looking.
Purvis: It’s very old.
Wade: About 80 years, I’d say.
Purvis: What’s over in that corner?
Wade: It’s … let me see … It’s a pile of blow-up models of Daniel Craig.
Purvis: They’re all covered in lipstick.
Wade: And worn out through heavy usage.
Purvis: On this shelf here, what is that?
Wade: Let’s have a look … ah.
To be continued ....
This is brilliant 😁😂🤣👏 roll on tomorrow, I can’t wait!
Glad you liked that! ☺️
Another cracker 🤣🤣
Thanks, Sir M.
Part Two
Purvis: What is it?
Wade: It’s what Joe Don Baker used to blackmail them into giving him parts in Bond movies. Three times!
Purvis: Let me see!
Wade: Oh no, trust me, you don’t want to see that.
Purvis: Let me see … Oh, you’re right. I wish I hadn’t looked now.
Wade: What’s that there, below it?
Purvis: Let’s see … it’s a carbon copy of Sean Connery’s first James Bond contract.
Wade: And it says that they were paying him £17 per week, rising incrementally to £21 per week by 1967.
Purvis: You know, I’m beginning to think old Sean had a point.
Wade: Over here, that looks like an old-fashioned tape recorder.
Purvis: And there’s a label on the reel of tape. It says …
Wade: “What the voices of the actresses sounded like before they were dubbed by Nikki van der Zyl”.
Purvis: Oooh, let’s hear that.
Wade: You put on these headphones and I’ll start the machine.
Purvis: All right … Hmmm, I’m hearing “He’s holding on to the six of spades, so I guess he thinks you want it”.
Wade: That’ll be Shirley Eaton.
Purvis: She doesn’t sound bad at all, I don’t see why they had to dub her.
Wade: Want to hear another one?
Purvis: Sure. Now, who’s next? “We had a cycle beetle. I started at A ven I vas 8 and now I’ve reached – “
Wade: Cycle beetle? What, like Ringo Starr on a moped?
Purvis: No, it’s Ursula Andress trying to say “encyclopaedia”. Now I see why Nikki was necessary!
Wade: You want to hear some more?
Purvis: No, I think I’ve heard enough.
Wade: Okay then, look at this.
Purvis: That’s sheet music, you know I can’t read music.
Wade: You don’t have to. Just read the title at the top.
Purvis: It says the “James Bond Theme”.
Wade: Yes, yes, but keep reading.
Purvis: “James Bond Theme” Written by …. Oh!
Wade: Yes, indeed.
Purvis: Somehow I’m not surprised to see that.
Wade: Nor would anybody in the Bond world be.
Purvis: I can see why they’ve kept this down here, safely locked away, for all those years.
Wade: And look over here, there’s some letters.
Purvis: Let’s see now … the first one, which is quite long, is from Michael to David Bowie, offering him the part of Max Zorin in “A View To A Kill”.
Wade: And the second, which is from Bowie back to Michael, is quite short.
Purvis: Very short.
Wade: Here’s one from Jaguar Cars.
Purvis: What does it say?
Wade: It says “We’re very sorry we told you we wouldn’t give you any of our cars for your films “Goldfinger” and “Thunderball”, meaning that Aston Martin got the contract, millions of pounds in extra sales, and unlimited free advertising. Is there any way we can persuade you to change your mind and use perhaps a Jaguar E-type in your next film”?
Purvis: Is there a reply?
Wade: Sure. Cubby tells them that the next film “You Only Live Twice” is set in Japan so they’ve already come to an arrangement with Toyota. He ends by saying don’t call us, we’ll call you.
Purvis: Here’s one from the Queen giving permission to film inside Buckingham Palace.
Wade: And one from the Duke asking for Judi Dench’s phone number.
Purvis: Some more film reels over here.
Wade: The first one says “Lazenby saying goodbye to Saltzman and Broccoli”.
Purvis: But it also says “Only to be opened by @Westward_Drift ”.
Wade: Who’s that?
Purvis: No idea. What’s the next one?
Wade: The label says it’s Michael Apted trying to get Christmas Jones to say “nuclear fissionable material”. He tries for about an hour before settling for “big bomb”.
Purvis: Hey, look at this!
More tomorrow!
Ringo on a moped 👏🏻 love it 🤣
Close enough 🤗