Normally at this point someone should be pacing back and forth, never getting too far away from the phone. However, I'm currently working on this year's Christmas Special with my trusty companions Number24 and CoolHandBond. We're working away just like Eon making a new Bond film.
This isn't a closed shop and if anyone wants to join in please drop a PM.
This one just comes from reading the news headlines.
2024. M’s new office.
M: Ah, there you are, 007. Sit down.
(Bond looks around, puzzled.)
Bond: Er …
M: Oh yes, that’s right. We only have one chair now. That’s partly what I wanted to talk to you about.
Bond: Chairs, sir?
M: Alas, no, 007. Budget cuts. You’ll be familiar with the Chancellor’s budget plans, I take it.
Bond: Yes, sir. She’s going to make major cuts – “swingeing” was the word some of the press have been using – to the budgets of most if not all government departments.
M: That’s right, which is why we have been relocated to this disused office building in Glasgow.
Bond: I had thought that was merely for security reasons.
M: Only partially. The main reason is that property values here, or to be honest literally anywhere in the British Isles, are lower than in our previous location in Central London.
Bond: Makes it a longer drive to get to work.
M: Speaking of which, your Aston Martin has been repossessed.
Bond: But -
M: Government property now, 007. Your new scooter will arrive tomorrow.
Bond: Scooter???
M: Oh don’t worry. Q has outfitted it with some accessories. Budget versions, of course – it fires rubber-tipped arrows (Health & Safety won’t allow anything else), is speed limited to 50 mph, and you’ll have to do any repairs yourself.
Bond: But -
M: Now, let me see your gun?
Bond: (Reluctantly handing over his treasured sidearm.) Here, sir.
M: Thanks. This should fetch a few much-needed pounds on eBay.
Bond: But, sir, that gun –
M: The ammunition alone will take too large a portion of my meagre budget, I’m afraid. Q will give you your new water pistol.
Bond: (Can barely get the words out.) A water pistol?
M: Indeed. And we’ll be auctioning off your Tom Ford suits as well and issuing you a voucher for Primark instead.
Bond: (Aghast.) Primark???
M: Yes, you can pick that up from Miss Moneyhalfpenny on your way out.
Bond: Miss Moneyhalfpenny????
M: Well, we can’t afford the previous one any more.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,754Chief of Staff
Funnily enough, I once knew a girl called Tuppence [Tuppence Moore, believe it or not]. Her parents must have an odd sense of humour as her sister was named Halfpenny [Penny for short]. While Tuppence is a genuine name, tge other is just made up. Almost as bad as the Beckhams. Terrible for the girl's self confidence, no doubt.
2024. The Mescal household, in Fulham. Paul comes home from a hard day’s work on “Gladiator II”.
Paul: Hi honey, I’m home.
Partner: Darling!
(Kiss, kiss.)
Paul: I’m so glad to be home.
Partner: Oh? You didn’t enjoy your day, then?
Paul: That Ridley is one tough director. He had me do twelve different takes of a scene with Oliver Reed.
Partner: Oliver Reed? Isn’t he …?
Paul: Oh yes, for more than twenty years now. It isn’t going to stop him being in this film, though, Ridley’s just going to CGI him.
Partner: Is it any good?
Paul: Definitely, you can even smell the booze.
Partner: Did you hear anything about a sequel?
Paul: A sequel, like “Gladiator III” you mean? Darling, they haven’t even finished this one and it took about twenty-five years to get this together after the first one!
Partner: Yes, that seems to be the in thing with movies these days. Remember “Top Gun”?
Paul: That took about the same time to get a sequel. I hope all film series don’t take as long between films as that. That would be really terrible, making people wait such a long time between movies.
Partner: Yes, that would be awful. Who would do such a thing, deliberately waiting years in between films?
Paul: I just don’t know. (All right, I’ll stop now. Barbel)
Partner: Oh, you got a phone call while you were out.
Paul: I did? Who from?
Partner: Can’t remember. A Barbara something or other.
Paul: Barbara?
Partner: Yes, it was something unusual. Cabbage or Cauliflower or something.
Paul: Barbara Brassica?
Partner: That’s closer. If only I could remember the name.
Paul: Don’t worry, darling. I’m sure it’ll come to you.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,754Chief of Staff
This is one of my favourites to date - brilliant 🤣🤣🤣👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
2024. The Mescal household in Fulham. Paul is pacing back and forth, never getting too far away from the telephone, while his worried partner looks on concernedly.
Partner: Oh sit down, Paul, why don’t you?
Paul: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Partner: Just relax a moment.
Paul: Relax? How can I relax?
Partner: Let me make you a nice cup of tea and –
Paul: A nice cup of tea? How can I think of tea at a time like this?
Partner: A time like this? What do you mean, “a time like this”? Nothing is happening!
Paul: But that’s just it- nothing is happening! That phone should be ringing!
Partner: And who should it be on the phone?
Paul: (Proudly.) Eon!
Partner: Eon? Who’s Eon?
Paul: The James Bond people, of course!
Partner: Ah, the James Bond people.
Paul: Barbara Broccoli, or maybe Michael Wilson.
Partner: I’ve heard that he’s retired these days.
Paul: Well, his son then.
Partner: What makes you think that they’ll be phoning you?
Paul: Haven’t you seen what the bookies are saying about the odds for the new James Bond?
Partner: No, I haven’t. Is your name on the list, then?
Paul: Well, no, but it used to be!
Partner: There’s an awful lot of actors whose names used to be on the bookies lists for the next James Bond.
Paul: And I’m also being talked about as the next James Bond on the Internet!
Partner: Well, of course you are but again so are an awful lot of other actors as well.
Paul: You don’t understand. I’m –
(The telephone rings. They stare at each other for half a second then Paul dives across the sofa to grab it.)
Paul: Hello? …. Yes, I’m Paul … What? … Right now you say? … All right, I’m on my way.
(He hangs up.)
Partner: Oh Paul, was that Barbara Broccoli?
Paul: (Sadly.) No, it was Ridley Scott. I’ve to come back in for some reshoots.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,754Chief of Staff
Advertising Executive: …so, if you’d just come this way, please, Mr Connery? Or can I call you Sean?
Connery: No, Mr Connery will do jusht fine.
Ad Executive: Er.. right, okay. Over to this table, please.
(Connery sits down.)
Connery: Here?
Ad Executive: I think so, what do you say, John?
Photographer: Yes, sitting there will do just fine.
Connery: Right.
Ad Executive: Now, let’s get the bottle … and a glass.
Photographer; Er …
Ad Executive: Yes, John, what is it?
Photographer: Is that how he’s going to look?
Ad Executive: Let’s see- white shirt, dark jacket. I think that’s fine.
Photographer: No, I mean the …
(He gestures vaguely upwards.)
Ad Executive: What? A halo? This isn’t Roger Moore, you know.
Photographer: No, I mean … the hair.
Ad Executive: The hair?
Photographer: He, ah, hasn’t got any.
Ad Executive: What? He hasn’t … Oh, I see what you mean.
Photographer: You’d better talk to him.
Connery: Are you guysh all right over there?
Ad Executive: Yes, everything’s fine, Mr Connery. It’s just that …
Connery: Yesh?
Ad Executive: We were rather expecting you to be wearing a… toupee.
Connery: A toupee?
Ad Executive: Yes, like you do when you’re playing James Bond.
Connery: But I’m not playing Jamesh Bond, am I? Thish ish an ad for shome short of booze.
Ad Executive: Oh of course, of course. It’s just that, er, you wouldn’t mind putting it on for the picture, would you?
Connery: Ash a matter of fact I would.
Ad Executive: Oh, but -
Connery: You hired me for thish photo shoot, not Jamesh bleeding Bond.
Ad Executive: Yes, I know but -
Connery: And it jusht sho happens that I have my contract right here with me.
(He unfolds the contract which has magically appeared from his jacket pocket.)
Connery: It shays to be here at thish time and poshe with shome whishkey while you take shome photographsh. Doeshn’t mention anything about a toupee.
Ad Executive: Well, yes, but –
Connery: Here I am, here’sh the drink, now if you’ll jusht pay me my money I’ll be on my way.
Photographer: I think he’s got us, boss.
Ad Executive: Leave this to me. Mr Connery, I take it that this contract has a sum of money agreed upon mentioned in it?
Connery: Of courshe.
Ad Executive: (Exhales through gritted teeth.) We’ll double that if you wear a toupee.
Connery: Double it?
Ad Executive: Yes, double it.
Connery: Well, it’sh not quite ash shimple ash that. Do you think one of thoshe thingsh ish going to magically appear out of my pocket? I’m not going to shpend any more of my time –
Ad Executive: (Grinding his teeth to powder.) We’ll triple it.
Connery: Triple it?
Ad Executive: (Trying not to cry as he sees his bonus evaporating before his eyes.) Yes, triple it.
Connery: (A toupee has magically appeared out of a pocket and is heading for his head.) Which direction do you want me to face, photographer?
Comments
🤣🤣🤣
Purvis: What is it?
Wade: It’s what Joe Don Baker used to blackmail them into giving him parts in Bond movies. Three times!
Purvis: Let me see!
Wade: Oh no, trust me, you don’t want to see that.
Purvis: Let me see … Oh, you’re right. I wish I hadn’t looked now
😂😂😂
Brilliant stuff, Barbel. Some of this is genuinely making me laugh out loud 🤣🤣👏👏
Thank you!
Part Three
Wade: It’s a knife. So?
Purvis: Not just any knife – this is the actual one Barbara and Michael used to stab Pierce in the back!
Wade: You might say they pierced Pierce.
Purvis: Oh very funny.
Wade: Over here, Neal – there’s something very horrible.
Purvis: Let me see – oh, no, this is awful!
Wade: We can’t let anyone see these!
Purvis: You’re right, nobody should ever see our first drafts.
Wade: Like the one where Bond goes to Mars.
Purvis: Or the one where Q invents a time machine.
Wade: Or the one where Blofeld and Bond are brothers.
Purvis: Yeah, that would be batshit crazy and totally insa- … er, Robert, we actually did that one.
Wade: Did we?
Purvis: Yes. Unfortunately.
Wade: You sure? Next thing you’ll be telling me is that we did one where Felix and James get killed off!
Purvis: Robert ….
Wade: I’m beginning to think we better get out of here.
Purvis: And keep our mouths very shut.
Wade: Agreed.
(They exit, turning off the light and locking the door behind them.)
Purvis: Now, let’s find our way back to where we ought to be going.
Wade: You mean, like Michael and Barbara should have been doing for years?
Purvis: Exactly that.
🤣🤣🤣
Brilliant 👏🏻🤣🤣
This definitely one of your very best, Barbel 😂🤣👏
Thank you all very much.
Normally at this point someone should be pacing back and forth, never getting too far away from the phone. However, I'm currently working on this year's Christmas Special with my trusty companions Number24 and CoolHandBond. We're working away just like Eon making a new Bond film.
This isn't a closed shop and if anyone wants to join in please drop a PM.
Normal service will be resumed soon.
This one just comes from reading the news headlines.
2024. M’s new office.
M: Ah, there you are, 007. Sit down.
(Bond looks around, puzzled.)
Bond: Er …
M: Oh yes, that’s right. We only have one chair now. That’s partly what I wanted to talk to you about.
Bond: Chairs, sir?
M: Alas, no, 007. Budget cuts. You’ll be familiar with the Chancellor’s budget plans, I take it.
Bond: Yes, sir. She’s going to make major cuts – “swingeing” was the word some of the press have been using – to the budgets of most if not all government departments.
M: That’s right, which is why we have been relocated to this disused office building in Glasgow.
Bond: I had thought that was merely for security reasons.
M: Only partially. The main reason is that property values here, or to be honest literally anywhere in the British Isles, are lower than in our previous location in Central London.
Bond: Makes it a longer drive to get to work.
M: Speaking of which, your Aston Martin has been repossessed.
Bond: But -
M: Government property now, 007. Your new scooter will arrive tomorrow.
Bond: Scooter???
M: Oh don’t worry. Q has outfitted it with some accessories. Budget versions, of course – it fires rubber-tipped arrows (Health & Safety won’t allow anything else), is speed limited to 50 mph, and you’ll have to do any repairs yourself.
Bond: But -
M: Now, let me see your gun?
Bond: (Reluctantly handing over his treasured sidearm.) Here, sir.
M: Thanks. This should fetch a few much-needed pounds on eBay.
Bond: But, sir, that gun –
M: The ammunition alone will take too large a portion of my meagre budget, I’m afraid. Q will give you your new water pistol.
Bond: (Can barely get the words out.) A water pistol?
M: Indeed. And we’ll be auctioning off your Tom Ford suits as well and issuing you a voucher for Primark instead.
Bond: (Aghast.) Primark???
M: Yes, you can pick that up from Miss Moneyhalfpenny on your way out.
Bond: Miss Moneyhalfpenny????
M: Well, we can’t afford the previous one any more.
🤣🤣🤣
All too true, once again 😂🤣👏
Thanks, guys.
🤣🤣🤣
Thanks, Number24.
Very good.
Funnily enough, I once knew a girl called Tuppence [Tuppence Moore, believe it or not]. Her parents must have an odd sense of humour as her sister was named Halfpenny [Penny for short]. While Tuppence is a genuine name, tge other is just made up. Almost as bad as the Beckhams. Terrible for the girl's self confidence, no doubt.
😄 There's probably a sketch to be written there.
Couldn't the parents have named her Haley Penelope?
Was there a brother named (Pound) Sterling?
🤣🤣🤣
2024. The Mescal household, in Fulham. Paul comes home from a hard day’s work on “Gladiator II”.
Paul: Hi honey, I’m home.
Partner: Darling!
(Kiss, kiss.)
Paul: I’m so glad to be home.
Partner: Oh? You didn’t enjoy your day, then?
Paul: That Ridley is one tough director. He had me do twelve different takes of a scene with Oliver Reed.
Partner: Oliver Reed? Isn’t he …?
Paul: Oh yes, for more than twenty years now. It isn’t going to stop him being in this film, though, Ridley’s just going to CGI him.
Partner: Is it any good?
Paul: Definitely, you can even smell the booze.
Partner: Did you hear anything about a sequel?
Paul: A sequel, like “Gladiator III” you mean? Darling, they haven’t even finished this one and it took about twenty-five years to get this together after the first one!
Partner: Yes, that seems to be the in thing with movies these days. Remember “Top Gun”?
Paul: That took about the same time to get a sequel. I hope all film series don’t take as long between films as that. That would be really terrible, making people wait such a long time between movies.
Partner: Yes, that would be awful. Who would do such a thing, deliberately waiting years in between films?
Paul: I just don’t know. (All right, I’ll stop now. Barbel)
Partner: Oh, you got a phone call while you were out.
Paul: I did? Who from?
Partner: Can’t remember. A Barbara something or other.
Paul: Barbara?
Partner: Yes, it was something unusual. Cabbage or Cauliflower or something.
Paul: Barbara Brassica?
Partner: That’s closer. If only I could remember the name.
Paul: Don’t worry, darling. I’m sure it’ll come to you.
This is one of my favourites to date - brilliant 🤣🤣🤣👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Glad you liked that, cos here's another ....
2024. The Mescal household in Fulham. Paul is pacing back and forth, never getting too far away from the telephone, while his worried partner looks on concernedly.
Partner: Oh sit down, Paul, why don’t you?
Paul: Sit down? I can’t sit down!
Partner: Just relax a moment.
Paul: Relax? How can I relax?
Partner: Let me make you a nice cup of tea and –
Paul: A nice cup of tea? How can I think of tea at a time like this?
Partner: A time like this? What do you mean, “a time like this”? Nothing is happening!
Paul: But that’s just it- nothing is happening! That phone should be ringing!
Partner: And who should it be on the phone?
Paul: (Proudly.) Eon!
Partner: Eon? Who’s Eon?
Paul: The James Bond people, of course!
Partner: Ah, the James Bond people.
Paul: Barbara Broccoli, or maybe Michael Wilson.
Partner: I’ve heard that he’s retired these days.
Paul: Well, his son then.
Partner: What makes you think that they’ll be phoning you?
Paul: Haven’t you seen what the bookies are saying about the odds for the new James Bond?
Partner: No, I haven’t. Is your name on the list, then?
Paul: Well, no, but it used to be!
Partner: There’s an awful lot of actors whose names used to be on the bookies lists for the next James Bond.
Paul: And I’m also being talked about as the next James Bond on the Internet!
Partner: Well, of course you are but again so are an awful lot of other actors as well.
Paul: You don’t understand. I’m –
(The telephone rings. They stare at each other for half a second then Paul dives across the sofa to grab it.)
Paul: Hello? …. Yes, I’m Paul … What? … Right now you say? … All right, I’m on my way.
(He hangs up.)
Partner: Oh Paul, was that Barbara Broccoli?
Paul: (Sadly.) No, it was Ridley Scott. I’ve to come back in for some reshoots.
Fantastic 🤣🤣👏🏻👏🏻
This one has me totally lost! Who the #£@% is Paul Mescal?
See this thread, CHB -
https://www.ajb007.co.uk/discussion/56761/next-james-bond/p1
1966.
Advertising Executive: …so, if you’d just come this way, please, Mr Connery? Or can I call you Sean?
Connery: No, Mr Connery will do jusht fine.
Ad Executive: Er.. right, okay. Over to this table, please.
(Connery sits down.)
Connery: Here?
Ad Executive: I think so, what do you say, John?
Photographer: Yes, sitting there will do just fine.
Connery: Right.
Ad Executive: Now, let’s get the bottle … and a glass.
Photographer; Er …
Ad Executive: Yes, John, what is it?
Photographer: Is that how he’s going to look?
Ad Executive: Let’s see- white shirt, dark jacket. I think that’s fine.
Photographer: No, I mean the …
(He gestures vaguely upwards.)
Ad Executive: What? A halo? This isn’t Roger Moore, you know.
Photographer: No, I mean … the hair.
Ad Executive: The hair?
Photographer: He, ah, hasn’t got any.
Ad Executive: What? He hasn’t … Oh, I see what you mean.
Photographer: You’d better talk to him.
Connery: Are you guysh all right over there?
Ad Executive: Yes, everything’s fine, Mr Connery. It’s just that …
Connery: Yesh?
Ad Executive: We were rather expecting you to be wearing a… toupee.
Connery: A toupee?
Ad Executive: Yes, like you do when you’re playing James Bond.
Connery: But I’m not playing Jamesh Bond, am I? Thish ish an ad for shome short of booze.
Ad Executive: Oh of course, of course. It’s just that, er, you wouldn’t mind putting it on for the picture, would you?
Connery: Ash a matter of fact I would.
Ad Executive: Oh, but -
Connery: You hired me for thish photo shoot, not Jamesh bleeding Bond.
Ad Executive: Yes, I know but -
Connery: And it jusht sho happens that I have my contract right here with me.
(He unfolds the contract which has magically appeared from his jacket pocket.)
Connery: It shays to be here at thish time and poshe with shome whishkey while you take shome photographsh. Doeshn’t mention anything about a toupee.
Ad Executive: Well, yes, but –
Connery: Here I am, here’sh the drink, now if you’ll jusht pay me my money I’ll be on my way.
Photographer: I think he’s got us, boss.
Ad Executive: Leave this to me. Mr Connery, I take it that this contract has a sum of money agreed upon mentioned in it?
Connery: Of courshe.
Ad Executive: (Exhales through gritted teeth.) We’ll double that if you wear a toupee.
Connery: Double it?
Ad Executive: Yes, double it.
Connery: Well, it’sh not quite ash shimple ash that. Do you think one of thoshe thingsh ish going to magically appear out of my pocket? I’m not going to shpend any more of my time –
Ad Executive: (Grinding his teeth to powder.) We’ll triple it.
Connery: Triple it?
Ad Executive: (Trying not to cry as he sees his bonus evaporating before his eyes.) Yes, triple it.
Connery: (A toupee has magically appeared out of a pocket and is heading for his head.) Which direction do you want me to face, photographer?
notices that there are several lines and dialog and narration where everybody but Connery shaysh the word sh!t
"what you want me to sh!t and drink the product at the same time? arent you worried about e-coli?"
Connery does make for good comedy cuz he's such a crotchety character, I'd like to see more Connery sketches
I think that can be arranged ...
Another good one, Barbel 🤣👏🏻
Thanks, Sir M. I need to get back into work on the Christmas special now, though.
Than you, Barbel. Still none the bloody wiser who he is, though 😂
The Sean toupee sketch is brilliant 😂👏
Glad you liked it. I'll see if inspiration strikes today, but as you know work continues on the Christmas special.